S4 - Ep. 38 - Shane Torres

Are you leaving? I you wanna way back home? Either way, we want to be there. Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a terminol and gay.

We want to send you off inside. We wanna welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it. We scared her? Was it fine? Malborn?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do your need ride?

Ride with Karen and Chris? Welcome to Do you need a ride? This is Chris Fairbanks.

And this is Karen Kilgara.

There was a bubble in my nasal passage that added a consonant and made me say do.

You need a ride?

Oh? Did you?

Yeah?

I just had to call attention to it because I hate getting off on the wrong foot.

Yeah.

I think that's really really responsible and mature of you.

Yep, A and B.

I did not hear it.

Oh, I knew when I brought it up. It could have gone without even bringing it up.

I mean you know, I would have loved to have jumped right down your throat about calling it ganou instead of.

Du It's my favorite game.

As a kid who went to speech therapy and had a k installed in the roof of his mouth. Oh to poke at his tongue and train him to talk. Right.

I love it when to this day.

I mispronounced something and attention is called to it, Chris, just for nostalgic purposes.

I think the cage. I know you've said that before, but it never really stuck with me the way it's hitting me right now. It was brief, But but why was that the fucking plan?

It was okay, it was part of my braces for a short while. I know it sounds like something I dreamt up in a sweaty.

I don't mean why was it your plan? I mean, why was it anybody's?

Uhl.

The orthodontist was against it, and I said, I want a cage, much like on the edge of a building meant for birds.

No, you did it.

It was to frighten my tongue because I had a tongue thrust and I get very excited. I used to say, my esses, this is a visual you have to be sy me. But I used to stick my tongue against my teeth sure to say S, and I would spit.

I'd get excited. I'd spit on the other.

Children, and grammar school was fun.

It was hard for everyone.

It was. It was a.

Challenge, but yeah, it it.

I think it was meant like there was all these things I had to do, like suck on the button at the end of string, which seems like a choking hazard, but it was. They made me think it was to make my lips taut tight like sisy spasic and push my strong my new strong, muscular lips would push my.

Teeth because my teeth started to thrust.

I had a little David Letterman gap, sure, And I don't think any of that was true.

I think it was just for me to pay attention to my.

Mouth, to what you were doing.

Yes, I talked with a lazy mouth, as my father once hurtfully.

Said, Oh.

That's but it was it needed to be. No, it did not.

It was not a choice.

That's what I'm saying.

All these things are like everything was so punitive back then.

Yes, the eighties were a mildly abusive time.

They were. I was thinking about just kind of bullying eighties bullying in general, and how like because you know, there's lots of to talk discussion and discourse about, like why is gen X the way. It is kind of thing. And it's like because we had some of the most full frattle like adult supported bullying that I think has ever existed, and like it was just part of everybody's day.

I like to think kids are more tolerant these days, but I haven't been on a school yard in a while.

We got to keep you away from those schoolyards.

I yes, the only reason I go is because I I think it's important to know that the future is better. The only reason I go and say, hey, kids, gather around, I want to watch your behavior for a minute.

I wear a rob coat. That's a cop car. Sorry to one up.

I'm sorry, I won up to cop car sound well it was better or cop core.

That was some light SFX bullying. Yes, yes, it's how we were.

There.

You go there it is uh.

Today, leaving my house to get my coffee, I there was a helicopter circling above my plate, really kind of in tight circle. And then as I walk down to the coffee place, I swear the helicopter was.

I'm like, wait, did I commit a murder?

Was it me and my mouth cage?

I can totally be convinced that I've broken the law. Sure, it doesn't take much. This helicopter had me convinced. And I was looking around, like, who is it? Clearly it's someone middle of the day. Someone is in this vicinity that's done something wrong. Yeah, And here I was wearing this striped I look like that shirt.

At least the hamburglar or the cookie crook.

They're like, there's the jail escapee. He's right there.

Why do I always wear this shirt when I do crimes? It gives me away?

And this little mask just over my eyes. I like that. Burglars and cartoons just have the mask over their eyes.

Yes, as if there are no other as if you're a mustache and crooked nose aren't going to give you away the eyes.

Whoever prune these trees needs to clean up.

Yeah, you know, just leave it.

I don't like that there's piles of tree and they just put cones around it. Yeah, not a solution.

That is just making it someone else's problem.

That's just like filling up your dirty dishes with water and soap and walking away and being like, I'm halfway through doing the dishes.

Now it is relatable. I'll do that to myself all the time.

I just took what other people cannot see or understand and I made them understand it.

Yes, with a metaphor.

Or simile, Yeah, what's the difference there? Use the word like her as for a simile. In the metaphor, you just say it and it's all inferred.

Ah or implied. Yes, both. Actually, metaphor is more complex.

There's a story, it's fancy or it's like college student shit. Yes, yes, simile is like you're doing that and that's just like this.

Yeah.

I think it was that you have to say it fast and flappers style. I think it was on the SATs. A fire engine is to emergency as a see I can't do. The fire engine is to emergency as a bird.

Is to flight.

Birdshion, you're right, as a bird is to ship. Yeah, of a bird, because they bring yours is way better. The bird brings ship to you quickly and sometimes through the air.

It's all paid for by the city tax dollar, by my tax dollar.

Same reason I want those trees cleaned up.

But I did kind of wave at the helicopter and then he retreated. I think I just had to admit, sorry, I'm I'm buttoning.

That's good. Good.

I don't had to let the ending be. I waved because that's how.

Low they were.

It isn't me. You got just the shirt.

Maybe it's me. I don't know. I could be talked in anything.

And they're like, oh, it's not him.

I finally got to do my helicopter sound effect.

Let's hear it again.

Yeah, probably can't hear it through the mic, but Disney Worthy fully work.

I'm still here.

Still available. Me and my friend Bradford, who I think you know, were in my backyard.

Bradford Marsillis.

You think you when for Mark Salis?

I think he has a brother named Bradford.

Are you thinking of Chicken Marsala? So Bradford Marsalis and I were in my backyard and we had just both left our jobs that we worked at together, and we're so we're kind of like, yay, this is the best. We're doing fun stuff during the day, and then we look over and we're in We're at my pool, swimming and stuff, and the Goodyear blimp is like on the other side of the sky and we're like, look the Goodyear blimp. And the Goodyear Blimp comes over and no

Was it the kind of laugh where you were nervously laughing because you thought it would be like, uh, what was that zeppelin that famously burst into flames?

Yes, I knew. I just wanted to see if you knew.

I did know.

But something that big hovering over your pool will make you laugh. There's there's our guests today looking sharp.

Ooh ooh.

We just wanted to see if we could squeeze.

In and back out of this that sucks.

Get in the backseat.

Hello, we're already recording we're in the middle.

Today's guest does clubs in colleges throughout the country.

Put your ears together for Shane Torre.

Wow, look at me, Look look at me. Drink it up everyone.

Let just look at them. Listeners.

Why you can tell.

I'm old because I forgot podcast are now on YouTube. Yes, you got it. An visual element to audio.

Ears aren't enough. Yeah, that's what I've always said. Now, how are you, my sweet friend?

I'm good man, I'm good. I uh came in town to do some work stuff, and yeah, tell us.

About this work and what kind of work. That's part of the theme of the podcast talk.

I'm out of comedy now I've really decided to lean. I still want to be an entertainment Uh. So I'm going to be one of these young kids who's into Catholicism. So I'm moving back towards the church. Yeah, I know it's it's it's risky, but.

Let's go get Eastern stuff.

And so after you do all that, you're going to be an influencer for the Catholic Church.

Yes, it's uh. Wahlberg's kind of the top dog. Have you guys seen his stuff on there? No, it's a little much Uh, he's always like got his shirt off and he's in front of like nice looking cathedrals and churches, and then he's like stay prayed, y'all and then he.

Like, yeah, Catholics aren't like that. What is he doing?

Well, they need help, they gotta they gotta reimage, you know, like they need they need a hot young comedian.

That's not what I'm going for.

Let's bring the abs back into Jesus.

Yes, yes, so yeah, that's that's my.

New moves church.

I love it.

Yeah, I'm not sure about it.

Yeah, what are your concerns, sister, Well, yeah, that's that's a big one for me.

The lingo is also kind of lingo.

This is very strong lingo in the Catholic show.

There's the whole book of Yeah, and also with you. Yeah, but yeah, I'm I was here doing after Midnight. So it was good. It was it was fun. It was myself, uh can and Amy Miller. Yeah, it was a good like so we actually got to have fun. I didn't have to be on there with you know, yes, yes, yeah, I don't. I don't even know. I don't know who I'm allowed to hate anymore.

So yeah, that's a whole Portland themed show then.

Pretty yeah, because Kyle has got his place up.

There now and oh yeah, yeah, I guess how about a plan? Yeah, yeah, it's nice. It's got a you the Mountain in the River.

It's a Portland theme show, but it's also an excellently funny theme show where everyone's good at comedy.

That's true. Yeah, everybody on is pretty good except for me. But I don't do it anymore.

Oh right, you just you just were like our father the second Yeah.

Yeah, I was just like I hit the button and I'm like.

God outcomes of hymnal.

Yeah.

I had trouble with the button on that show. I think kind of one thing, remembering to push it. Oh yeah, I'm not good at multitasking, so I would just kind of panic and wave my arms and and Chris would call on me because.

He could original let's go ahead.

You're supposed to push the button, excuse me, But actually I think mine was many times I pushed it.

It was like a wire was loose.

I really going with the controllers broken.

Yes, that's that Jeopardy things like holding it up and pressing it and.

I was like, I hope the camera is non me when I'm very clearly upset and my buzzer isn't working.

But yes, it's very fun. Did it feel the same?

Was it?

I never did the old thing.

I never I got I was supposed to do it, and then the day I was supposed to do it wasn't they announced that they were canceling it.

Oh yeah, so well it's nice to get that.

Yeah, it's nice to get a little silver medal.

Wait a second, that is shitty. That's like the thing where you hear about news stories that no one ever heard of because they were on the same day as nine to eleven, where it's like, that's an amazing thing. Why didn't anybody know about that? It's the same thing, like, well, it's not exactly like that, but it's what it makes me.

But it's like fara faucet when Michael Jackson. Yes, yes, yeah, it's similar.

I love to have Fara fawcet notoriety even still I remember that, but I don't even think how long ago did Michael Jackson that hit parafacet?

Yeah, boy, martin a decade.

It was definitely pre COVID. I know that for a fact.

And then it happened China. The wrestler the day that David Boie died.

Is that true?

Yeah, I was like, oh, China, she was on a reality show that I was on.

She was sweet, you were on a reality show.

Ten minutes later, the wind got pulled, yanked from her death sales.

I have been watching a lot of wrestling documentaries for some reason lately, and hers was one of the more like moving ones.

I should watch it.

Why was it?

She was because she was like a good person who had this like heel, like she like everyone thought she was sweet. She just had a lot of demons, I guess, yeah, and like but like and she looked so menacing, as like a you know, jacked lady who would come out and beat up professional wrestlers.

Yeah, but she was kind and when they were kind of taken advantage of, Yeah, I think abused because she had such this great physique and everything and like or like, let's really milk her for all she's worth in every possible way, whether it be wrestling or.

Like, yes, old stuff. Yes, So it was really like and it just like I don't know if you guys know this, but the history of ladies and wrestling sometimes is not good.

They didn't talk about that on documentary Glow.

The documentary Globe.

But women are treated so well everywhere. This doesn't make.

Sense, that is, I know, I don't know why, because it seems like such a feminist forward industry. Yeah, and Vince McMahon The Greatest Hour.

Yeah, she wanted to hold hands when it was craft services. She was like, felt nervous about being around a bunch of people. Really, She's like, well, you hold my hand, and I'm like yes. But it was kind, it was sweet. She was sweet, She was a nice Was it tender? It was a tender handhold. She didn't grip too hard with my little hands.

Oh, very younger, she's very much stronger, was she?

How tall is she?

I don't know.

She was a little taller than me as well. Yeah, but uh, it was that reality bites back thing with Eric Kreischer and Amy and all these people that went on to become famous, theo Von. But the episode was almost oh, it was a comedy Central. It was a joke that they kind of said, well, it's it's a reality show.

We're poking fun at reality shows.

But really we were all tricked into being, you know, fighting every episode to stay on so we could keep getting paid. So it was very young, yes, and and the hunting every day, fetal position wake up. But she was They expected her to be aggressive and uh, people were shooting at us with these air guns and she just kind of casually was she was just not aggressive at all. I think that, in fact, she was the reason I got kicked off. But I miss her and I and it was it was.

She was sweet.

Are you guys in this part of town?

I am, yeah, yeah, I thought you're on the west side for some reason.

I was for the longest time fifteen years.

Oh, the longest time.

Oh god, any any of his work.

I don't even know who it is.

Billy Joel, yeah, the guy I most often call Billy Idol.

I don't know why. They are very different.

They have both Catholic.

And then when I most I moved to this near downtown, and it's amazing how much friendlier my locals only neighborhood is than the beach area.

Really.

Yeah, these retired boat people were very kurt and wouldn't make eye contact.

And then Jane rich people, rich people. Yeah, I think I figured, let's use that term.

It does sound like a slur.

It was a little slurry yeah.

Yeah. I used to be able to take my kids to that part to the retired boat pa.

Yeah.

Yeah, you know, to put up your hands so no one hears boat people.

Yeah, you do the look around joke.

Yeah, but yeah, I love it over here.

It's very, very Yes, everything is walkable, it's great.

What about you care?

I live in the valley, not walkable. I'm not interested in walking. I just want to be in my home.

It's truly nothing I've ever wanted more in my life now and just be in my apartment. Yeah, And I mean I have my new places in the East Village and it's on the ground floor. Saint Patrick's Day, I'm like, my bedroom is on the street and Saint Patrick's Day was like that would normally be like the darkest day of someone's year. Yeah, And I was like, I'm home on a Saturday for the first time in four fucking months. I don't have to eat chicken fingers like it was glorious.

And did you get to enjoy kind of the festivities from where from your room?

Or I think I would. I've been on this. I haven't drank in like almost a month. Yeah, so yeah, over a month, but so that kind of is still is almost a month when you think about it.

When I first started this, what is just a couple of days. Now it'll be a year.

I had just drinking.

Yeah, good for you. It had just.

Started when I was hanging out with you and Kyle in New York and you guys and you had a.

Very good set at the Bellhouse. It was very fun.

I'd never get to watch my friends do long set and it was fun to watch you.

But to see people I want to do se do comedy people like, it's really fortunately well.

It seemed to happen more often when we were I guess younger and doing festivals, and that was.

The funnest though. The festivals. I think that's where I met both of you. Did I meet you at Bristow as welcome?

Yeah?

Yeah, yeah, I think I met you.

You did a guest set when I was working Helium. It was like you and Ian and I was like, I don't think I can follow my guest sets really, first of all, No, it just it it was a motive in a good way, a motivator.

I am going to follow these guys and it was great. It's a good thing.

Yeah, it was fun, like but we wanted to see like good comics.

Then they were like, uh, it was so weird because I remember we said you there, And then the next week Sebastian Manascalco was there before he was in.

From television's Bookie. Yeah, he has his own show called I watched it with my dad. I just thought I did.

Literally never heard of that ever once.

I watched it.

It's not bad.

It's not bad.

Is it like a classic sitcom?

It is HBO though, Yeah, but yeah.

Like single cam okay, yeah, I think I think I'm saying that right.

I was like, yeah, I agreed, and I don't know.

Multi multi cam is like The Honeymooners. Yeah, single cam you go outside is.

Arrested development, Yes, thank you, people follow you around.

Yeah, I'm still.

Oh the Honeymooners was a show in the fifties.

Oh well, I mean I know what it was. That was Jackie Gleason. Yeah, yeah to the Moon.

Yeah, to the Moon, yeah of course.

Yeah. Wow, man, it's crazy that that was such a big catch phrase. Yeah, punch your wife.

That was the first ye had brush it up of it.

Yeah, they had comb it's hair and put it out there, put a little poetry into it.

I It's funny.

I didn't know you lived in New York. Yeah, funny years, probably ten years. Oh isn't that hilarious? You lived there from from Portland?

Then?

Yeah, that's when things were really taken off.

I hope you don't take it personally that I had no idea where you lived.

I knew it wasn't hair.

I took it so personally I am living.

I hope you don't take it personally that I thought you moved back to your hometown in Texas.

Really No, okay, no, I would actually.

That you have been in longview, right.

I'm just taken again living in Del Rio, Texas?

Is that where you're from?

No, I'm from fort Worth?

Oh?

Okay me Bill Paxton?

Uh, Leon Bridges? Oh and uh, well, Diana's Amora. That was the other one.

The only time I did stand up in Fort Worth was for the Don't Mess with Texas Litter campaign and uh, for some reason, a lot of the audience was wearing bonnets.

And state flowers a blue bonnet maybe, yes? Yeah?

Yeah? And uh, and I had to write control your your garbage output jokes for a.

People who are notoriously not into environmental.

Yes, it was a well, litter. They don't like litter.

They yeah, I mean I guess not, but I fucking.

And I was me and Eddie Gosling and I remember, wow, Yeah, he had some joke, don't mess with Texas, don't even fiddle with it.

I thought was nothing good top that, But there was joke. It was a corporate thing, but it was.

I why is that so funny? Because Eddie Gosling is one of those people. He was the reason in our reading and by that I mean our producer only. He wrote some things for us to know about you. But you were inspired by is it true? David Cross?

Yes?

I was, Yeah, by David Cross.

I like that that on that document it said by a musician and comedian David Cross, and I was like.

David Crosby, it's filthy.

I'm sorry, I'm getting a spam call. It's my the one of eleven thousand I get a.

Day, So let me that we should take that to air.

You know what, Crosby, do you know what you're supposed to do with this? I heard this figured this out for spam calls to get taken off list. You're supposed to answer like it's a medical line, because they'll get find if they get reported for spamming on like emergency lines.

So John's catheters like yeah, like.

Like a hospital or like or a even a you know, like an elder care center or or like you know like like forced police department, any of those kind of things.

This is great, juicy like information that will actually help people.

If this does not work, though I've been doing.

It, yeah, I mean, I don't care. I'll be getting morse spam calls. But I've been told that's true, and I feel like the number has gone down since I started doing wow. Yeah, so please put it into effect. Yeah, you might have to.

Do something because it's gotten to the point where if I don't know a number, I just do not answer. And a lot of those times it may have been Hollywood calling.

The calls. The universal does.

We saw your I said, Fairbanks, don't make any excuses. Hit him on a small bike.

He didn't answer. I guess he doesn't want to work in Hollywood.

Now we don't know what social media is, so that's that.

There was only some other way to reach him. Yes, I was.

I was inspired by David Cross.

I've been telling like I did his podcast recently.

Yeah, yeah, and I heard this.

Story about him that I have been telling everyone for years because I thought it was hilarious. Turns out it's not even true at all. So like, maybe take this coll thing with a grain of salt. Because I heard the audition for SNL, which I guess he never really did, but he had like writing privileges there or something, and that when he auditioned, he just counted down from one thousand in his audition. And I have told that, and I do mean hundreds of people.

First of all, that sounds like someone making a shitty joke about David Cross about yeah there's here's being insufferable or something. But that is fucking hilarious. And then when you told him that story.

Did you just go no, He's like, that's actually he was very even temperative because that's not true.

Yeah, I had he heard that before.

No about it, I don't think.

But there are a.

Lot of it's a slam.

There are a lot of comedians younger than me even who now believed that Davids Cross.

Can you get the work you got out there? You told the story.

This is something you can't find on the internet.

Maybe it's like a game of telephone and it just got misconstrued.

His goal was to tell a thousand jokes or something good.

No, I don't he never auditioned. Oh wow, I think it's sketch. He said a sketch group got scouted or something like that at one point.

But it honestly sounds like something another comedian would say to be shitty, Like this is something that he wants.

Yeah, like they're like like.

Being insufferable or something, which is like hilarious.

Yeah, it's a it's a pretty funny burn like.

Yeah.

Then I also think.

About Eddie Pepatone doing that just screaming from one thousand.

Which like really gives me a tackle.

Yeah, wow, when did you do that podcast?

Like a couple of weeks ago, pretty recently.

Fun David was nice enough to have curating something a museum.

I don't know what else you curate.

You're a producer. What else do you curate? Okay? Yeah, good, good good, very undervalued good. That's two.

Well, and that makes a list. It's more than one.

Chris, this might be weird, but you know the one thing you and I for sure have in common.

Oh let me hear it?

Do you really? It's gonna might want to cut this one. Our moms died on the same day apart.

That.

Yeah, and I saw you on a flight that weekend. Do you remember that you were in Minneapolis? Yes, And I was like.

And how did it come up you?

I you had posted something and I think I wrote like, I'm so sorry, you know, like, and you were at the club across town. And then we just happened to be on the same flight and we were sitting across there. I was like, I'm so sorry. And then we're sitting across the aisland. I was like, there's a lot of pressure from me on this flight. Know how much I'm supposed to talk right, because there's airplane etiquette. And then and then I posted like a year later ago, my

That you could hear his voice.

Yeah, chickens have come home to roosh.

Wow.

I forgot about that. I do remember that being on an airplane.

Yeah.

Originally, when Karen and I were first talking about podcasting, it was going to be about our moms being sick.

Both have both having Alzheimer's and we're going to name the podcast before I forget. Really that was the name that yes, And then everyone we know I liked was like.

Do not do this, Like, I mean, we could have. I think that's the only thing that could have made it worse. Of you were like called it are you my child.

Living room?

Yeah? Yeah?

Are you the nice boy that works at the bakery?

No, that was in the fifties, talking about my grandma. Yeah, she asked me if I was the nice boy that worked at the bakery.

Oh, yeah, that's.

It isn't My great grandmother she had it and then she would just be like I'd be like nine, and she'd be like, where are your kids? It was like I didn't know about I didn't know what exactly was going on. Yeah, and then my dad would just be like, gosh, she's going fucking nutes. Don't worry about it.

So gently handled.

Yeah.

Yeah, Simon to knew how to paint with his words, franky old bastard.

Well, grandma's do want you to they do want you to bring them grandchildren? Yes, that is common.

Also, I just am sad that they got to live in a time and we didn't where bakeries were such a huge part of day to day life. Yeah, like she knew the boy from the bakery.

Yeah, Karen, I don't want to burst your bubble, hear it. But they still can be.

Wait wait, explain that people are still making bread out there?

Maybe not, but in the real heart land.

Is there a bakery in New York City.

That you like?

Whatever one is closest to me is typically where I go to. It's kind of like a I guess, like a high Faluton bakery and everybody knows about it. But Levon they make these giant chocolate like that. I think they live up to the hype of the cookie.

I agree. They just open one here, oh really? And I literally ordered them on Postmates one night because people had talked about them so much, and I was like, I want that, but I'm not going to Larchmont. And then I got them and I was like, this is the best thing I've ever eaten.

Do you think they would have tasted better with the drive on your first one?

Like probably standing in the bakery?

Yeah, and like, because I like to do the thing where I put my cookie on top of my coffee so it heats it.

Oh, that's a great idea, like a hot plate.

Yeah yeah, like a guy who's freshly out of prison hot cookie.

Yeah yeah, I was cooking on a hot like.

I placed my cookie on there, like it's my only option for warming food.

When I first moved to Austin to start doing stand up and inspired to do it because Veddie Gostling is.

You know, you're only twenty too early.

I had a hot plate that was not allowed in my little my little apartment.

We had that happened too in Portland.

Yeah, they burn everything down.

Did someone confiscate it?

Because one day I came home and there's just a muddy bootprint on my bed because a fireman came in. Someone tipped off the fireman. They broke into my room and confiscated my heart.

Sure it didn't catch on fire, and that's why the fire.

I hadn't even used it.

There was just my neighbor who listened to everything and used to cry when I'd slam my microwave shut and then suddenly had a four page letter that was unhinged. When you slam your microwave, the vibration vibrates through the floors, through my bed, and against my brain like a rubber mallet.

I used to read these memoriz.

That's how you know it's real.

I used to read these letters on stage and people are like, you have to move. I yeah, but I think he smelled something cooking, and uh called the Rock.

That's that explains the book. The footprint.

Yes, yes, the Rock always signs everything with this because, as we know, the people's elbow, he does not, right, he just signs everything with a footprint like a baby.

He's also on the back of a lot of strippers backs as a tattoo. Really well, the foot that have you ever seen?

Oh?

Sure, yeah, I have a baby footprint on. Like I haven't been a shrip cub fifteen years probably, But that's wait, are you being serious about them? Yeah?

Like they'll get yeah, they'll get a yeah. I don't know, I don't know.

Where are you from, California?

Yeah? Okay, well four more Texas? Yeah yeah, no, that's the thing I've seen. That's like airline food as a joke to me.

And and when you moved to Texas, I was from coming from Montana, where.

Strip strip clubs are just a thing that you see in movies.

And then you move to Austin and there are billboards and radio announcements and family knights and all you can eat.

Yeah, it is such.

A all the local radio would be We're live at the Yellow Rose for Easter.

Yeah.

It it was so common. And this bunny and the comedy club had a deal and they would take the car. Oh, we assume that you want to go to the local strip club.

I'm like, this is isn't that a sin?

I have like a weird thing with them because I was in Portland for so long and it's like that.

Oh yes, it.

Was such a like part of the culture and like you could just go there and have drinks and if you win, and if you watch them dance, you would throw money down.

Isn't there a vegan one?

Yeah?

Yeah, they're unionized.

There's a one with with a jukebox, so you have to That's very It's the oldest bar in Portland.

Really.

Yes, I used to have.

I used to have a jacket from there because it was cool to have their swag and uh yeah, and then the whole Gus Van Sant wearing it on an episode of Entourage. Oh, I don't know what is yeah, And I'm like, I don't like, I'm not like anti gust Van sand but I'm like, this is all over the place, like I don't know what worlds are colliding and what I thought was separate.

What's funny to me too, is I had friends that when I lived in San Francisco, they would always make jokes about if they were broke, like it's amateur night at the Mitchell Brothers or whatever, where it's like, is it time did you start going into stripping because nobody can pay their bills whatever? And then so it was very much like it felt like women kind of making choices for themselves and taking options and whatever. And then like in the whenever that was the two thousands.

Yeah, kind of taken like women were just.

Like this is our fucking thing and out of the way kind of thing, which was I thought was great. But at the same time, yet then it was like a Bridgetown. It's like, now we all go to the strip club together and it's like there, I don't what are you talking.

Yeah, that's what I'm trying to think.

There was there was a day where everyone went, but it was during the day.

It was I think it was after breakfast. It felt like I remember just being like I'm gonna go back to my hotel room.

That was yeah, like I mean that really was like part of the scene there. Yeah, people would want to come in, like especially when it was younger, somebody would always ask if they could go, or shit, what's a good one? Yeah, you know, like not everybody, but it was like at least fifty fifth.

It's funny that all I did is gone to that cat cafe where you drink coffee and pet cats.

Truly the least surprising thing I've ever heard.

Yeah, I kind of liked it.

I have to say, you're a really good driver. You're checking both sides. Yes, yeah, I don't know if you get enough compliments on it when you're doing this.

No, you are the episodes in the beginning where I was driving and recording where complete chaos and I was just.

You guys, weren't preemptivity And.

Yes, Karen is the permanent driver.

Well, also the way people are driving these days, and this is borderline hacky now, but it is in my opinion. My theory is it's a post COVID brain issue. But people like literally don't stay in their lane like you. I feel like I have to be much more careful than normal because who the fuck knows what's going to happen with people who like I watched a lady take a left turn basically across an intersection in front of the that she was supposed to be letting go like that.

Had before, and then she just cut them off.

She Yeah, it was a big enough intersection where she just came closer to the cars where I was and just tried to like get ahead of him as he was going straight. It was pure insanity. And so every time I'm out driving around, I'm like, uh oh, like it feels.

Like you just call it long covid.

Yeah, some people lost their sense of smell or taste.

Some people are just like I gotta get there. I'm gonna go this one straight line or what I don't know.

Used to be great till COVID tilt.

Yeah, everything was perfect.

Yeah, So I mean I don't I think there's just there was an adjustment of people coming back out like.

It is a still happening.

Yeah, And do you think maybe the break and then phones on top of the break of people not being out as much and then phones on top of it have like just like amplified it.

Yeah, for lack of a better Yeah, because it's.

I think it's the reason I was staring at my phone for two years and then I went out in the streets and suddenly needed glasses. I think I can blame that on. Yeah, constantly looking on my phone. My eyeballs got just like when you're too close to the TV in the fifties, you know.

What I do.

Now they're so big you don't have to be close to them.

Yeah, exactly.

I'm gonna say, Oh, I saw that you were talking about that crazy driver. It reminded me of the two things.

Uh.

I was walking to my apartment the other day and this person just gun did after a stop sign, like really put their foot down, and I was like, what the fuck?

And then they started slamming.

This was like on the Lower East Side, started slamming into cars that were part You saw this, Yeah, I was, what the fun I had my headphones in, you know, like, and I was just kind of like a nonnestly.

I just happened to see her out of the corner of my gun it.

Out of the corner of my eye, hear her gun it, and then she crashed maybe like thirty feet in front of me, but like it really kind of freaked me up. But she had a seizure while she was dry. Yeah, and like she like was like what happened, like you know, and she seemed like a normal lady.

Wasn't like somebody.

Who was like a junkie pertending they had a seizure afright, Like I was like, this lady's nice, like you know, you can.

Just tell Jesus.

Yeah, And I was like, but it kind of were you the first on the scene, how did you respond?

A lot of people called my arms the jaws of life the car Yeah, wow, yeah it was you may have seen it. Uh, But then it was kind of just like it was weird because yesterday I don't want to make a cheap joke. I mean, I'm not gonna make a joke, but the thing that happened Baltimore. Oh yeah, I was in Baltimore this weekend and I drove over that bridge and then that thing happened. Like like it's not obviously they're not related or there's there's no I don't think there's anything.

But it's one of these things like.

How often is this happening? And I'm not even aware?

Right? Yeah?

Yeah, I mean you are the common denominator that is the.

Thing that yeah, there's probably nothing else in common.

Yeah, well, but it is that thing of uh, the assumptions that we're all fine doing this when actually it's a bunch of individuals who are probably questionable at best.

It's just like trying to put lottery balls in a line.

Driving, right, We're very lucky. It doesn't happen all the time.

And it does. It just doesn't happen to you all the time. Yeah, yeah, it doesn't.

Certainly it doesn't happen in front of you probably all the time. But Jesus, just for full disclosure, I do have a seizure disorder, but mine is controlled by medicine, so that's never gonna happen.

Good.

But you know, I feel like you should be.

It was me that before.

Yeah, admittedly, sorry, it was often on my mind in the early days. It's the podcast, but there has not been a single close call.

I've proven over these eleven years that, I mean, what.

I say, is this podcast eleven years?

Well, yeah, I'm just gonna say yeah.

Because I didn't we start twenty thirteen or twenty fourteen. Yeah, I can't remember. Wow, we have been doing it a long time.

Yeah, it was intermittent.

Have you heard the first time you were doing anything for ten years?

Boy?

You know, like nothing, I can't it happens. Life really goes by like this, fucking I know. I just got into my forties, right, so I'm like really having a hard time. Yeah, yeah, is like really, I'm like, have you wasted everything? Are you any good at any of it? Wait to follow your dream?

Geek like, yeah, forty is a big one because fifty is around the corner for me, and it's way less of a big deal than forty. For some reason, forty is the one we all remember our dad's having a I'm forty mug.

Yeah, yeah, over the hill.

Bury me on forty.

Yes, my dad had over the Hill party decorations. And I kept asking my mom like I don't understand, is dad gonna die? And she's like it's no, it's a jokey sport whatever. Where I'm like it was nonsensical and very threatening.

Yeah, it's traumatic. As a kid.

I remember my mom's fiftieth birthday and I was like, she's the oldest person that has ever been like, yeah, remember it clearly in that she is. God damn, it is like ten years away. It's bananas.

It's so crazy.

Yeah, and I often wonder if I'm in a better financial position than my parents were.

I think about that all the time, to where I call and ask my dad about his tax returns when he was forty nine.

When did you turn forty eighty?

Uh?

That's so yeah, when did you turn forty Chris?

Oh, that would have been the twenty fourteen young young man. I'm a child.

No one knows.

I have all these new Karen hooked me up with some high quality and I've been using them.

Have you snail the eye patch? No, just all kinds of facial toner.

I start with a toner and then I go with the snail stuff.

Pretty good, right then.

I like the eye patches that go under for dark rings. I get a lot of good results out of those.

Are they the Cox ones?

I don't know. Is that a brand or or a style?

So it's Korean?

It's the brand?

Yeah, yeah, they are not. I don't think they might be. But I just got what else.

I'll send you a screenshot, okay, if you gotta go.

Change because it has snail music in it, which just very organically eats off like the top layer of your skin. Really yes, so you start getting very beautiful, like and almost immediately this is.

And it's Marshalls side.

I won't talk that much about it, but this is my absolute amoy obsession, like I want everyone to use it. But not only does. It's like it's Korean skincare, so they have many more regulations I think, so, like their SPF is the best that you can get, and like American SPF is like literally terrible for it.

It's like olive.

Oil and like grade or something like horrible chemicals.

It's like things plumbers won't used to clean.

Huge gloves to rub it on your face. So the Koreans SPF is amazing and like really good for you and moisturizing, et cetera. But then there this trend started and I found it on TikTok where it's like if you do this seven step skincare routine, you can like totally change this quality of your skin. And of course I'm fifty three, so I'm really trying to work on it's working on the aighty thank you, But it made a difference like in the first week where like what the fuck is this ship?

It is working. I'm very excited about it.

It's funny because right before that, sometimes when I go meet my friends and we skateboard in the uh in the Costco parking lot at seven am, we'll start talking about other things. And my my skater friend was like, oh, I'll hook you up with the best I cream and he did. He he sent me a link and it was Ola. It was Ola, and I ordered it and it had tint It was like makeup ike cream. So it's like I have to blend it in.

It's brightening, so it's it's just so if you have dark circles.

But it's like really tinted to where I'm like, is it so? Is it good?

Or is it does work? Opion?

You need to know a lot about this.

The Ola Yeah, La is like drug store stuff. Yeah, I bet it's okay.

But if I'm thinking about getting into this a little more, this might be a good start.

Another link.

If you're worried about your under eye circles, that might be a good start. But I would look into if are you.

On TikTok, I like, I have it, you know, but I don't.

Well, if you have it, then you can secretly go on there and just put in Korean skincare.

It'll already because we're talking about it.

Yeah, exactly. Your phone. Your phone will bring it up for you. But there's all kinds of great shit that like, whatever your concerns are, there will be some twenty four year old girl that's like if you have blah blah blah like I do, and then she'll show you how to do it. It's the best.

But that's not where I thought showbiz would take. I know, like, I'm glad.

I'm glad, Yeah I was.

I was always like, I'm gonna be sitting ring side at heavyweight fights and stuff.

Well you still can.

I'm working on that.

Do we want to make sure that when you're a ring side there's no rings around your eyes?

I like it. That's all right. That would be good for Madonna because she's always at fights, is she? Yeah? She likes boxing?

Is she she's at the big fight?

Really?

Yeah?

I don't expect that out of Madonna.

She's such a person who like really it kind of does what she wants, yes, And I think she's just like very attracted to beauty. And I think that's what boxing looks like to a lot, Like when you look at those guys, it's yeah, we're not even sexual. Sometimes it's marvel like.

How did you do it?

Yeah?

Yeah, were you either of you surprised at this new news of the crime syndicate that puff Daddy have you read about?

I just was reading about that, But I can't believe some of the I don't want to say I wasn't surprised because I am like, He's like, is kind of like I don't know who's good anymore and who I'm allowed Like, I like, I just I want to believe.

You're both good and you know who was real tight with Karen before she started for can't fighting?

Yeah, Like that's that's another thing, Like.

They always.

What are you doing? You had a main coon up, but it's a Cali that's like South Paul. But I always, like, I always wonder, like how much I'm allowed to still enjoy something?

Right?

Yeah, and announce it by the time this podcast posts to everywhere you listen to podcasts and watch and watch sometime.

Sometimes you really want us to do YouTube videos, don't you show?

I think it would be Look, I don't know if you guys are successful in the forecasting world.

But by the time we will know more about this this guy.

But the next twenty twenty six, Tesla is going to have a podcast studio.

Of course, get it all done. Yeah, then I'm commuting to nowhere.

Yeah, you go to your garage to work like your grandfather used to your grandfather. But I heard the puffy thing. I saw something where they were like he got on a plane and left his kids, his sons.

Yeah yeah, and I don't know how his boys are.

They're thirty and twenty five. It was okay, yea, yeah, yeah, it's not like but.

That he went, he got on a plane and he's in a on an island with no.

Extradition, right, which is chocolate. I mean that's like, so it's safe to assume he's guilty.

Yeah, absolutely, Yeah, it's insane. There's even like drugs and guns and all this stuff like he was a are almost fine.

Yeah, it's just crocs for videos, which I wish it was that.

Yeah.

So wait, I don't know the details. Will you give like a couple of the worst details. It's all the yes and stuff?

I think, Oh no, right, crazy, I might you might as well add that to the list.

It's all allegedly right, we don't know this.

Yes, please don't come after us, don't leave Barbados or wherever you are.

But yes, a wild to start talking ship to Puffy, Yeah, I always wait.

And then he's like, I never left.

What are you doing In the back, there's just a guy in a funny hat with a mustache that gets off the bus.

He's like, you were wearing the exact outfit Anthony Hopkins had at the end.

Nobody wearing the puffy He's wearing the puffy rapper suits.

Uh yeah, but I think.

That's yeah, the child trafficking thing, Yeah, he is human traffick, yes, human, But also.

There's a lot of people coming forward and been like talking about them being very young and not all that kind of stuff, which.

Is like I would assume if there was a human trafficker out there who had a real problem with underage kids being part of his operation, it would be a thing that they run into all the time, even if they were trying to avoid it, which I'm sure they're not.

Right.

I think it's like that's just how dirty it is, Like I think one kind of makes the other filthy.

It's not a business for people that are going to have ethics here and there.

There's not an O show requirement.

No, that's a sociopath's only kind of business where you're going to be okay with any direction it takes you.

Well, I'm done drinking this vodka.

That's all I have to say that I already was. I already was, even though it's gluten free. Makes my bones feel better.

Your friend Bert Kreischer now has a vodka you can buy.

Oh, you're kidding.

Him and went out. I was calling back to your what's it.

Called poors two bears okay because of their pot or whatever, because.

I know that neither of us drink, Karen, but we should have a podcast liquor.

I mean you could, No, Well do you do you want to pay for a podcast liquor? You know it doesn't you have to pay for it?

Oh you gotta get someone to invest or. Just yeah.

But here's what I think, as your your friend and business.

Partner, yes, yes, because you're hired.

I think the driving and booze thing as a sponsor, you're right, is huge. I think it's like it'll make a big sweatar and we just need you to get it to you or you can do like a hard coffee. I feel the beverage world is out of control as it is.

Yes, Yeah, that's the place where everybody is learning that they can get into it without actually having to. It's like beverages and then having like a skin caroline as a celebrity that you never you have no idea how it's made, and you have no connection to it in any real way.

And it's a it's very.

And I wonder who does know, you know, like I wonder who actually gives a shit about their product?

Right?

It seemed to me.

That Burt actually put a lot of time into it so well, and.

He would like that's his whole party guy. Yeah, so he would be like, this is my very the favorite. Yeah whatever. Vodka is made out of charcoal.

Yeah, it's made it's distilled through charcoal, but made from potatoes, I guess.

Or right, if you're you know, puff daddy, if you're in jail. Yeah, toilet water.

That's like a weird like that's like a weird thing, like a new Hollywood legend, like like the David Cross story.

I kept telling if you order your.

Child, that's it's your signal to the other traffic.

Yeah, yeah, like a club.

Yeah, it's like the beverage version of a wink.

Yeah. It used to just be a week with a beverage. Yeah, but I think it's interest.

Yeah, come out.

I had Blue Ribbon hard coffee.

Now that's what I was going to bring up. The paps fun.

Pass like it's just it's paps also makes up pop.

So they make weed drinks.

I mean it's like it's it's too much.

They I thought they were doing great with their Blue Ribbon.

Yeah.

Yeah, well it's been since nineteen eighteen forty two or something.

It's been a while nineteen eighteen Columbus.

Yeah, the paint or the Santa Maria.

But it's like, uh yeah, I guess I'm saying I miss lines of clearly defining.

Like of cocaine. Yeah, oh the line.

Yeah, like we're not doing that.

We make beer, you know, like why would I Yeah.

No, papstays all over the place.

Now I blame Seltzer. I think it started, yes.

Yeah, and which I think is a very weird combination where it's like I have tried to drink kombucha so many times, like this is what I need or gross.

If I want to get slapped, I call it boozy booch.

Sorry I'll slap myself.

No, I'll slap myself.

Guys, got me.

Yeah, that's actually a great fucking idea.

But you can do that instead of a hard Oh you can't.

I guess you could do it.

You can't really instead of hard.

Yeah, it's weird because it's an alcohol, but it's also putting good bacteria into your stomach.

Lining that's not if you throw it up, if you pick it up.

I had a remarkable battle with food poison.

Oh no really, it was just recently, yeah, like two days ago.

Did you pin down the culprit?

I don't know. It could have been one of two things. But it could have been my airline.

Meal, yes, you always eat the chicken, yeah, Or it could have been the taco place.

I like it, and I really hope it's neither, because like I like frequenting them both.

Yeah, I think, so, wait, what do you? Did you narrow down what the item was or the thing?

No, but those are the only two things I had to eat within like the food poisoning window of gestation or whatever, And it was so I was I'm staying on you guys, know, Charlene Connolly of course, Yeah, yeah, I'm staying on it.

Sometimes.

Charlene uh is on your podcast with Kyle right, yeah, yeah, yeah, she she she produces our podcast.

Uh, just the best laugh in comedy. She wrote, like, if I said this the other day, but if she quits the podcast, it's financially disastrous. We need someone to laugh at it because Kyle and I are too bad a mood all the time to enjoy anything.

Yeah, but I'm staying on her couch. And I was like, it was such a nightmare.

Food poison is a nightmare anyways, but not being in your own bed and worrying that you're waking your friend up like like, and then having her fucking Pomeranian bark. Oh goddamn, You're like, no, just new meddling into her sne I.

Have only got There's two very memorable times that I got food poisoning, and both times I wasn't at home. I was in a condo and Omaha, and the club owner, I think her what is her name? If she's the sweetest. She brought I was there for one show and then I was sick for the rest of the week. She still paid me and she brought care packages and soup to the condo. She's the best And I can't remember her name.

That She's terrific, and.

It's also very Midwestern. I feel too.

Yeah, Yes, I wish I could remember a name.

But the other time, I was just staying in an unfurnished room in between places in Austin, and it was this place next to the Velveta room that had these burgers that were famous and they.

Were so.

Yes, and I got super sick and I knew that was all I had eaten that day. And I was sick for four days, and at the end, I somehow I was craving those burgers again, and.

I went there. I'm like, what are the chances that? And I went there again just to test.

Did you get sick?

No?

I did that?

You got some fucking like that. I'm not going back to my taco place.

No.

I will eat my plane because I can't be bored for that long, even if I'm not hungry.

Yeah. The last time I had food food poisoning, I got a Chinese chicken salad at Fresh Choice, which is that that store chain that doesn't exist anymore for good reason. And again, I was at my friend's house because I had moved back from working out of town and somebody was sub letting my house, so I was just waiting, so I was in my friend's house. Got the worst food poisoning and literally it was this this salad was made of shredded cabbage and all the other things that

It was so bad.

It was so scary.

You're like, why is this affecting me? Like like if getting older, like being sick and getting older is like this, I don't think I want to do it. Like like I was like I can't have it be that bad, yeaheah. Like but I was like I was really worried for a little like it's just like my stomach was going to burst. Yeah.

How many days were you like this I got?

I mean it was only like a day and a half. I was really down.

I think after that I in that unfurnished room. I was in there for like four days. I very clearly.

Should have gone.

That's a lot.

Yeah, but it's back when you never go to the doctor, you know.

Yeah, weird when you're like, I'm assuming you were poor, then yes, yes, of course, when you're like, the cheapest thing is my best option.

I mean, I remind you the room was unfurnished, there was no bed. I just laid on a carpet that was beige, and it was in a.

Lot of pain there worse.

Yeah, never again, never an. I always ask questions about the cabin.

Never again, he says. The person who went back and got the burger was you.

That was a challenge that I don't know why, but I was craving it. I want it. That's the ultimate revenge.

But the true test of a champion is when they get back.

It's funny because that place it used to be, maybe not anymore, but Casino El Camino.

A lot of the employees were from the Jim.

Rose circus side show like lifto an Enigma, the guy with the puzzle pieces. Yeah yeah, they all just were bartenders there, so it was it was like going to that show.

But it's not who you want handing you food.

I mean, and it seems judge, but you're I also think you're right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's pretty judging.

I'm being judging.

Yeah I don't. I don't really want to want to.

But also with food poisoning, you blame everybody. Everybody's in the wrong. You've never been like there were it was such a dark knight of the soul. When I was my friend's house where I'm like, come, no one's helping me, and it's like no one I was desperate.

Does no one care?

Yeah, but no one knew, no one knows. And also you wouldn't want like you don't want someone there while you are like violently barfing and shitting for hours.

I said it.

Evacuating is the only word I could think of. And you're just like everything is like within ache and pain and like it's an emergency.

There's no warning.

No, yeah, yeah, there's nothing worse.

Then you start taking tiny SIPs of water immediately throwing them up like that.

That was It's just and I'm such like a little chunk at heart. I would was like I had some water, and then I just started having some ginger rail and then I was like like sugar, So yeah, I had two golds of it and then I was just like.

The worst.

Yeah yeah, your Burger redemption story is much more inspired than my trying ginger.

It was I really overcame things.

It was a little Canada dry heat.

We should talk about your podcasts before and anything else that you want to plug.

So I got the podcast with Canaane. It's called No Accounting for Taste. We basically defend things people tend to dismiss, is the theme. So we did professional wrestling. We did the post office church.

People don't like the post people do not like Karen, I love it.

Are you from a family of post war I think we had.

A post office in my hometown that was just like it was almost like a little bank, and everyone would go there and like you knew the people that work there, so it was like, oh I yah up North. Yeah yeah. So it was just I always just had good and well it feels like people are helping you, and it's.

It's so crazy. Your experience of the post office is not what anyone else half.

And people made you cookies, right, and they would give you cookies through the window. Now I'm just free cookie Friday at the post.

Yeah, yeah, Tuesday. Ye, Taco Tuesday started off as a delivery system for the post.

They would fold it, put a stamp on it, put it through the windows.

That's why burritos are folded.

Yeah, and you take callers, right, we do take callers and a lot of them.

Like we really generally go on the brighter side of things. Like even though like nobody really liked like the general consistuents was the post of was like, yeah, it sucks and it's not run well, but it's like the most necessary thing we have. Like people often make really good points about it, which whatever subject we're doing, like it sunds like we need the post office because FedEx wouldn't ship medicine to old people if it wasn't cost efficient,

It has a boat people feel to it.

It's it's important for everyone to know you're referring to your own beautiful blue eyes.

Yes, yes, yes, and those are like the two things. And then I'm I don't know when this comes out, but I'm always on tour, so yeah, it's it's a never ending hell in a prison.

I've built myself every minute of it between you smile on stage, yeah, right.

In between in between angry nos. Yeah, but yeah, this was a bless thank you guys for having me.

You're the best. I'm glad we were able to work it out.

Yeah, me too, man, Thank you so much. Yeah. Should does anybody like hit the horn before they leave.

School?

Good luck?

It's all about practice nothing but next you've been listening to do Need a Ride? D y n Aar. This has been an exactly right production.

Produced by Analise Nelson.

Mixed by Edson Choi.

Our talent booker is Patrick Coottner.

Theme song by Karen Kilgarret.

Artwork by Chris Fairbanks. Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter and Facebook at dinar podcast. That's d y n Ar Podcast.

For more information, go to exactly rightmedia dot com.

Thank you, Oh, you're welcome.