S4 - Ep. 37 - Tig Notaro

Are you leaving? I you wanna way back home? Either way, we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a terminol and gay.

We want to send you off in style.

We wanna welcome you back home. Tell us all about it.

We scared? Or was it fine?

Malforn? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do your need to ride?

Ride with Karen and Chris? Welcome to Do you need to ride? This is Chris.

Fairbanks and this is Karen Kilgara.

Hello Karen, my friend.

Hello Chris, how are you?

I'm great?

I said that like a space alien who's wearing the suit of a man i've been. Yeah, that's the role I want to get if I ever get an acting job, a human man with an alien inside him, pretending to be human, because that's kind of how I feel.

Yeah, I can see that. Can I get more than just one line? Can you give me like a little alien speech trying to be convincing that you're human?

Hello, Karen, you are my friend. Let us unempty our food organ.

With this witch of.

Sand, and then I kind of twitch because I'm not used to my skin yet.

Yeah.

Oh, this damn Ham suit.

And the whole thing is in an integration with Subway sandwiches.

Why don't you people, I mean us, why don't we have claws? So that's a terrible design by your maker.

Get the new.

Alien six inch super sub But this weekend.

I predict you enjoy it. Will you.

That I already have commercials? You already cast me in a commercial?

Yeah, because this sitcom is so popular that you you immediately get integrations and that kind of money where it's like, if the alien himself is actually Ham inside of that suit, we gotta get Subway and we've got to get those special sells.

Every one of our listeners misses the classic multi cam Small Wonder, where a little girl who's actually a robot lives with a butler named Belvidere.

I never really watched it.

It was kind of the same interchanging hold on, that's my sister calling every single time we record.

Are you sure it's not a typhoon coming?

That's the alarm.

It's very low and calm because you're absolutely just being told you're about to die.

You're gonna beyond alive. I have time to go to the helicopter pat on the top of the Hilton.

My only plan when I lived by the beach.

Were they just taking all comers when in times of emergency or that was just what you were gonna do.

They were taking old comers and old timers.

I God, damn it, what I'm supposed to get on the freeway there?

Oh, there will be another chance up here.

Great always true in Los Angeles.

I don't know I was gonna worry about helicopter access once I was up there.

Do you have a gun? Be honest?

Yes? What kind thirty eight special do you me?

I have a night Ranger.

My dad got it in the nineties because his wife at the time was worried because they had a used Corvette and she thought they would get car drapped. So my dad, in like nineties fix bought a tiny handgun and then kept it in a box in a closet, uneasy that he owned it. And then he was like, during one of my you know, someone stole something off my porch or I had a funny story about getting mugged. My dad was like, do you want this gun? And

During a visit, brought it down. I've left it in the box with the bullets that he bought.

With the gun, and I just am keeping it away from any wrongdoers. So far, the gun's role is to keep it off the streets. Great, So I'm controlling. I'm all for gun control, and I'm starting one gun at a time.

You're starting with.

The man in the mirror, just like Michael Jackson always told you to.

I don't want this man to change his ways. No, no, mug all you want you just can't use this gun.

You have to use a sharp voice.

Change your ways. Have you tried mugging with nun chucks?

Mug with vibes?

Yeah, mug with a mean look on your face.

Often call a mug. I uh yeah, it's I feel embarrassed. But you asked, and you know I'm.

Not truth to I ask you did do you ask about any gun? Maybe? You said gum?

You're right, I said, do you have any gum?

I just want you for this podcast.

It's funny.

You have wanted to freshen your breath, and I just started to talk about my artillery.

Oh chewing gun. I have a chewing gun.

I'm I'm I know what I'm gonna do.

Yeah, the little side hustle.

Yeah, we are parked in the exact spot I was in when I got rear ended after conan for real.

Yes, Oh I thought it was up that way.

Now there was a couple of cars in front of us. One of the kids was in not another teen movie, which after I crawled out of the burning wreckage, I said, were you in another teen movie?

He's like, yeah, are you okay?

Wow?

And uh, I still follow the guy that hit us on Twitter.

Uh he left town. He was uninsured. Yeah, tried to call him once. Oh, and uh he was a motivational speaker and uh personal trainer.

I feel like I took it.

To Denver, didn't know him, not judging him whatsoever. I think it's great when people leave this town. But sometimes, and this is what happened to me in Sacramento, I just kept getting into car accidents and finally my mom said, that's enough. I'm coming to pick you up. You don't

Yep. I noticed when I found it because we found.

As his dad was a proctologist at the Mayo Clinic, so it's like, Okay, he has money, why is he evading this responsibility?

And then I found him through his father's.

Work and yeah, he was like a personal trainer and probably wasn't going well. He had a top knot gotten a car wreck. Time to take this to Denver, Let that hair down, play a little frisbee golf now, not answer phone calls from Geico. That's all you have to do, apparently, if you're responsible for rear ending someone again, I'm just gonna ask this.

Question in my fault, Karen, Sorry, I'll let you go.

Should there be less defining features of this person so that you can't know exactly who it is within like three Internet guesses.

His name is? Okay? Fine?

Right?

Just a couple less because literally is like, how many proctologists from the Mayo Clinics sons live in Colorado?

And if to do that, just send them a box of flowers because I'm over it.

You can't control what's going to be on the other side of them, being like, how dare you try to kill Chris Fairbanks?

If I thought our listeners were going to go out and do my bidding, I would think of much better people than.

Oh you did the middle name.

Too, Yeah, squire.

I let the squire squeak out. Yeah, it's all in the past. No harm done except for my fake.

Hip except you dock singer.

Yes, right here on the show. My neighbor. Oh hey, hey everybody.

Hey, there's those lines. Sure yellow for a reason.

It's only a suggestion.

Come on, come on down, Okay, go ahead.

Anything yellow is just a suggestion when it comes to signs. Maybe they think that is the case with lines. You know, when you see thirty five around this corner, you can't actually get pulled over for going forty five around the corner?

Is that true?

Yeah, it's a suggestion. But then can you still get a reckless driving picket?

Yeah?

Probably?

Yeah, I don't know.

It's been a long time since I was on the force.

You haven't taught traffic school for years.

No, five hundred feet behind amber lights? Say, I still got it?

You.

My neighbor was has been digging a trench, pulling out ivy leaves that were grown into the chain link fence that separates his house from my apartment. And it was a lot of work, like going all the way down to the roots pulling this thing up. There's a four foot trench, and I was just like, why are you

Idea cat and dog skeletons.

Yeah, he said, thirty of them could have been in there. Oh, they go in there at night. The guy has dogs that bark at a butterfly.

Yeah, and they had no idea.

Wait, they can be quiet if they want to, unless there's a siren then that can't help it.

They're just like teenagers that way.

Yeah. Yeah, they can do it if they want.

All these coyotes needed was a little discipline.

And to get their homework done in time.

I couldn't believe it though, It's that's crazy.

That was a den, a coyote den.

Yeah, congrats, Yeah, that's I'm just amazed that they were my neighbors. I never there was one time I saw four or five coyotes go past my window peripherally. I just was looking at and they were full grown. They are such dogs. Yeah, they're no different.

I told you about the one that walked up to the backsliding glass door one night, right blossom started barking, and I went and looked.

Because I knew this, but it was a raccoon.

No, no, it was a coyote.

And it was coming toward the door like it was gonna all inside and stiff around, and I was like, no, no, you shouldn't feel comfortable doing this, which is like, has this happened while I've been gone? And the dogs just like bark, but don't keep them out.

Yeah, that's the one thing that makes me nervous about coyotes in my dealing with them. They are not afraid of us. They absolutely could give a shit. You could be Dwayne the Rock Johnson I bit my cheek.

I didn't mean to tease. To the end of Draine the Rock Johnson, Chris.

Gets really choked up when he talks about the Rocks.

My tongue starts tap dancing.

He's like this man.

He went from pro wrestler to one of the great dramatic actors of our times.

His Broadway, his Fiddler on the Roof.

I couldn't think of any Broadway. This is just a block from the Pantageous. I could think of one stage play.

Yeah, there's one right there on that big flag Chicago.

I want to write a stage production of The Outsiders.

What do you think?

Yes, entirely. I will back it.

I mean I gotta get smart about things that, of course would get made. Yes, you could have him singing and dancing, which is what I think that movie was missing.

I'm gonna stop you there. Okay, don't you dare well?

It has to be a musical, are you kidding?

Okay, convince me?

Okay, what is the one thing you wanted to see out of the original.

Brat Pack like Matt Dillon's shirt shirt offs?

Say well, you get a little bit of that already.

Oh have you ever seen Matt Dylan's shirtless body sliding across the floor on his knees while singing soprano.

That's you're thinking of Patrick Sweezy.

They're not.

The vibe is different.

Oh Swayze, I forgot he's in it too, Yeah he is.

He's the Gary, the oldest brother.

I used to have posters of The Outsiders on my wall in like fifth grade. We were big into The Outsiders.

Did you have the poster that starts with Tom Cruise showing its side butt on purpose? This is pre this is when he had summer teeth. Yep, what kid, summer to summer point in this way, summer pointing that way? And then and then I believe it was Ralph Macchio. Then Emilio asked ofz Then Matt Dylan, the tall one in the middle. Yeah, then I have this poster memorized.

Yeah.

Then uh, Thomas see Thomas. Hell no, he's third. Okay, I didn't know the poster.

Your sister clearly had the poster, right, I was, are you.

You're not going to believe this?

But I was mostly a fan of the book because they forced us to read it, not only in sixth grade, but the teachers didn't talk and we read it again in eighth grade, when I appreciated it more. Yeah, but all I knew of it was a Stevie Wonder song I liked was in the movie.

But the book I loved.

The book was amazing.

Yeah, I still have a copy.

When I stepped out into the bright sunlight from the darkness of the movie house house, I only had one thing on my mind. James Dean and a ride home. Oh wow, that's the opening line of that book.

That is a poem, of course, by uh Robert frost YEP I believe so.

Yeah, he kept he keeps quoting.

See, he gets in knife fights, he gets in scuffles with the soshas, one of them played by a young Oh who's the.

Boy, Leef Garrett, Life Garrett.

Thank you? Oh who's the boy? What if you knew my brain?

That?

Well? Oh, who's the boy? The boy?

The day I did, I did it.

Leaife Garrett starring in Outsiders, the musical stage show.

He's a social he's got many and he's gonna get stabbed a spoiler alert.

Thirty years later forty Actually.

I used a direct Life Garrett on the World's Dumbest Oh, and he was very kind and run back. Yeah, and he'd bring coffee and I was like, you're the most down to earth of all these It used to be world's dumbest criminals, and they had like him and Tanya Harding and people that had brushes with the law.

Was he were his brushes just kind of drug stuff? Yes, Yes, he didn't do anything bad bad.

I think that he had something that was terrible in his life that was not criminal of him was well, he was drunk driving. I think, oh, crashed and a friend of his diet and it bothered him. Oh, probably the rest of his life. It's the reason he's went to drugs because he was nice. It's really sad. I think about him often. So that wasn't the first time I worked with him.

Really.

He was also Amy Schumer's sidekick on that on the Reality Bites Back thing where they had to do his physical hunting with the stars, and he was so nice back then too.

I mean, I feel like that he's a child actor. He's either going to be the worst or the best, right.

Yeah, Like my dad said, the biggest asshole that he ever met in Hollywood was the kid from Dennis the Minis.

He was like this kid was like, bring me this now.

My dad was working in a Mexican restaurant in Toronado, just yelling at people.

Wow, what a terrible child.

Oh shit, Yeah, I wonder if he was the same kid who was the creepy kid from that episode of the twilight Zone that can make you disappear. I think it might be the same child actor. I could be wrong.

Yeah, that it was around that time.

Probably he was pissed off because he's only getting Twilight Zone episode, so he thought he was going to be Dennis MNAs forever.

It was back when they only had one child actor every decade. Yeah, and he had to do all the child parts.

Yeah, there weren't that many.

No, Now people have babies just to make them actors.

Oh, there is a there's a documentary I really want to watch, and I really don't want to watch. Have you heard of it. It's called Quiet on the Set and.

It started it last night.

It is very upsetting.

Well, if you do a little googling while you watch it, which is what I do with everything, you find that the victims themselves grew right into their own controversial behavior and they don't really talk about that. Oh, because I guess it complicates the message, but I was like, oh no, what happened to this guy? And in googling it, I was like, oh, he himself is a sex offender.

Well, right, that's sometimes that happened to you. Yes, but I think the point of it is they were children that then their lives are ruined in whatever way.

Well, it's interesting because the the the evil doer in it. One of them, the main one is the guy from that skiing movie with John Cusack that I used to like.

Off Dead. He's like the neighbor weird boy.

He went in there with no experience and started pitching these shows and.

Was just not nice, you know.

I mean to say the leader.

There's other people that were that are more focused on the actual.

I just want to make sure you're not coming off pro pedophile's conversation.

It's so far I'm in episode two. The guy from Better Off Dead is not U p Doo as they say over the.

Pond Dan Schneider.

Though, I think, well, where there's unsolicited, hey give me a massage in front of everyone on set, not private massage, Chris.

Again, I'm just keeping it open mind.

There are some they have established some baddies in it though.

Oh, I was immediately supposed to turn right.

Oh the fuck, just take a right up here and then and then we'll be able to do it. Oh, we're almost coming up on For a brief period we were in a studio, out of the car.

What were we thinking?

Oh?

Yeah, and Aaron used to record for us good Old Air, sweet Man the best. Yeah, still hanging tough at all things comedy, doing it, getting it done for everybody.

On time and under budget, and gives.

You good quiet laughing much like our friend on Eleise, where you know you're being funny, but you don't have to like stop.

And talk about it, right.

That is all that I did.

By the way, when I was directing the World's Dumbest Show, they would tell their jokes and I couldn't laugh out loud, but I wanted to give approval or direction, so I would just silently make a laughing face and give a thumbs up.

And that was my job to sit in a chair and do that.

Yeah, people need support, all of us. Yeah, laughing support, humor support.

Um, genital support.

I'm sorry, what we're going back to the pediphi.

No, no, no adult genitals.

Everyone's an adult with these genitals.

Oh, should I turned one street too early?

No, damn it, It's okay. You gotta sneak.

Up on our Have you run through this gate and climb that wall?

Yeah, knock on her back door?

Run through? Uh Ooh smells delicious. Hey, someone's kitchen. That's from Ferris Bueller, soon to be a musical directed by me.

God damn it.

That's the one thing we want to see.

Everyone loves that scene in Ferrispueller where he's lip syncing to shake it up, baby now twisting it out.

A lot of people in parentheses.

Our friend is here, you know, clubs, colleges, movies, podcasts, friendships.

Put your ears together for Tignataro.

Put your ears together, Put them together, put them together.

Hello hoo, Hello.

Yes, the tips today we had it. We read a ad for your podcast handsome.

Oh nice, thank you for doing that.

We got the cross promos going nice. Yes, big time podcasting business.

How long have you been doing that podcast?

We have been doing it, I think six months. Yeah.

It's new, yeah, but already wildly popular.

People love it wild. It's wild wild. It's my fourth podcast, and uh, I think I finally am onto something.

You were always onto something.

Well, everything just kind kind of hit the mid time and then uh, this one's doing well.

Oh that's great.

Yeah, yeah, well of course you gotta you gotta look at the numbers you got, Paige.

We've been all about the numbers on this one.

Yeah, you can tell how kind of vicious we are about ratings and pre production.

I think just vicious people in general really works for us. Yeah, and that's what I'm here to talk to you about. Oh, now you've both treated me over the.

No not another personality interventions.

I thought, I apologize you did, and it's not enough. It's not taking No. I find myself still very upset with you. So I said, come pick me up and let's uh promote my career.

That'll solve it.

Yeah.

You might as well be recording during any of these interventions. Yeah, I realized the other day and wanted to when we did Largo together.

But I think I you know, crowds make me nervous.

I heard so many, we heard so many intimate well mostly bathroom use, yeah, but relationships. I wanted to chime in during.

You know, if there is arguments, can I ask a question about the bathroom use?

Yes?

Are you talking about Largo or when you guys lived together.

Oh, this is a good question. I'm lost what happened? This will clarify a bit.

Go on, Chris, Yeah, I'll take it from here. We moved into the tiniest home.

It was snugly, it was great.

We loved it.

We used to put a flower in that one vase and stare at it in the corner while holding hands.

I'm not even kidding. Remember that face?

Yeah, but I thought you said, remember that face?

Remember that face.

When I was staring at you. I don't have it anymore. So you have to remember, I've only seen the back of your heads so far, so it could be a different faces.

Let's stare at the flower.

Stand behind me, look at the back of my head, and then I'll move when it's your flower viewing.

Chris turns around and it's John Travolta's face.

What Sorry, that's okay. I had a room and then there's a living area in kind of a kitchen.

Yours wasn't even a room yours because I rented the house first. Yes, and then Chris and I worked together in Boise and fell into friendship.

Yeah.

Yes, And then I said, and he was going through a breakup, and I was like, do you want to just move in with me? We had so much fun that weekend.

Oh okay, you remember I thought you found I'm like, what great timing.

I thought you found it right.

You were opening for me in boise and we fell into friendship love and couldn't stop laughing.

Boy see girl see whatever I.

Can get, they see. And so I said, I you know, he and his girlfriend had just broken up, and I said, I just runted this house. Do you want to just move in with me? And he said sure, and then he moved into the think. I don't know. Is it like a little TV room?

Yeah, a dad like French doors.

Yeah, but it seemed like a bedroom.

This is the first I've heard that I was not in a bedroom.

It makes sense that you chose the actual bedroom first, because I thought you were just giving me the bigger room.

Well, because I had a closet. Oh right, that was the trade off, is you got the big room, no closet.

With a pile of clothes on my bed.

Yeah.

I thought that was your girlfriend. She's so boring.

She's been there for nine years.

My girlfriend was at tennis ball at the end of a broomstick so you could just keep.

The perfect eye lines with your imaginary girl.

That whole relationship was just a green screen experiment.

But yeah, thin walls and we became very close.

Forced Yeah, yeah, I actually this is unrelated but tangential. I went to a restaurant last night, and when I went into the bathroom, there was a table right outside the wall where the bathroom was, so there's a window up high, but I could hear their conversation so clearly that I was like, well, I'm about to pee and then flash the toilet and they're going for me very clearly.

And that's gross when you're at a restaurant. Yeah, it's also gross to share that story, right, No, no.

You know that.

You did and wash my hands.

From the beginning of the story, I was like, Karen, finally speaking my language. I know.

We've been abandoning it. I can take us right back to it. I have a couple of stories. Let's go. Okay. I was in a public bathroom at the airport, and oh my god, this was so funny. But I also felt for this woman. She was clearly a single mom traveling with like a two year old, and she had to go to the bathroom and in the stall, she traps her child in the stall with her because the kid was too young to just wait outside. And and I'm in the stall next to her, and I hear ew mommy.

Gross stings, and the mom was saying quiet.

It was like, eh, it's gros and this is four. Woman is trapped and they're just trying to go to the bathroom.

Yeah, And then when and everything, a child says, it's truth that you know, they're not lying, they're not trying to embarrasser.

It's like, no, the child was truly trapped in a stinky situation.

Should have pushed the child out of the stall.

Might fine?

Fine, I would love five minutes to myself, go go wander around.

I'm just gonna sit on the pot and after I flush, I'm just going to exhale for ten minutes. You do you? And then the other thing. This isn't number one or number two stuff, but it's even I would say it's number four.

Okay, it is.

The number one grossest thing I've ever seen in my life. And I don't know where you guys land with germ issues. But I'm in the stall, and in the stall next to me, the traveler at the airport has put their personal home pillow on the floor of the bathroom. Oh no, and then I can only imagine gonna snuggle into that while they're flying through the air.

I can't even rest my backpack upon the floor.

I struggle with it too, Like that's not even make it so you don't.

Sometimes hooks are broken off because or.

Even hold your pillow while you're doing your business on your head, like they were in the SERENGETI.

Yeah, I like the idea of the person sitting down the neck pillow was around their neck and they're like, oh, I can't swell my cheeks and puff up like I usually do when I'm docing.

Let me rest this right where everyone has splattered.

You've got to clear this airway while I go. Yeah, nothing worse than that visual. I wonder about that person. Always want other gross like no boundary of grossness? Are they willing to?

Yeah?

Also, how old were they?

You wonder they were?

Yeah, they were twenty six and a half.

You can learn a lot from someone's shoes. It's like counting tree rings. Make shoes.

I have know they're barefoot shoes. Oh, and they allow my toes to display out because as I age, which i'll be a lot older on the twenty fourth, just in a few days. And I invited both of you, and neither of you responded to the invite. But it was disguised as just a screening for my new special. But it is my birthday party.

I've not seen either. But I also am very bad at email. Okay, well I will, I will go, I'll be there.

I will be there too. It is a private screening at large go and yes, and there will be a pizza.

Truck cake and Flannagan was talking about that.

I'm so there. Yeah, okay, then I'll put you on the list.

I'll r s v P.

Flannagan was like, should I do this? And then I did a lot of the planning. It's funny that I just hadn't settled on a date. Reminded me, Yes, planning happy birthday.

What a surprise party. Yes, the two people that that planned it, yeah, co.

Producer special, I don't know if I uh, yeah, I will, I'll be there. It'll be great, wonderful. I've been wearing these rubber toast spacers. There's a first set that you wear and then the second one's harder rubber, but it does the same thing. And I because it said do you have hip or posture issues? Everything? Just a list of things I have trouble with. And it was an Instagram. Hey, slouchy, my phone not only listens judges from uh through the camera, I guess, but I uh, they work because I wore

The fair this is the calves in your body.

Yes, these baby cows I brought. Everyone's like, be quiet, I'm trying to hear. A guitar solo.

Is really cramping my style?

Can a four each guy going on to the town to see some rock and roll?

This croneo is really cramping my calves.

My I should have said my left and right leg calves.

You should have I'm like Amelia Badelia, and I take everything seriously. I loved that book. So Karen Karen kill Garrett, Karen Marie Kilgart. Anytime it was circle time in school, uh and we could pick a book, I was like.

All the way, gotta tell her story. Oh my god, she had no idea what was going on? It was chaos all the time.

She'd have the list of things to do, and on the list bad The list was draw the drapes. Well, she put up an easel and she sketched the drapes.

That's well, like Bobby Pince flew out of her hair because she was so stressed out all the time.

She grew up to be Kathy.

I didn't hack.

I laughed as if I knew. I just I laughed like an idiot because Amelia Badelia makes me laugh. I like word but I was pretending to know what the book was.

Do you really ever have to say that in your life that you like wordplay people, Chris, I don't.

It's been a while since you seen me do stand up. It is all I sit down. I tell stories now. I still do the word.

Just do rhymes, fun name rhymes, rhymes with no reason.

But I'm not so Amelia Badelia would do, would take saying things literally.

Yes, it made me and Karen I found out just a moment ago laugh. So I really think when when people asked early comedy influences, I do say Amelia Vadelia.

Hell, yes, Well she was supposed to be the maid, so she was like show up with her maid outfit on. If I'm not mistaken, You're not Karen, Okay, I just wanted to go on. I like to do things in my childhood where I combine like four things and I'm like, this is the monkey right that they made get a job? No, that's a different book. But she was like a maid, so she was supposed it would be like a fancy

Yeah, with your index finger halfway up your nostril.

He was.

I heard that if you pick your nose it could give you some sort of cancer. Has anyone heard that, Well.

If you pick your nose, you could get some sort of cancer? Is that what they said? Meaning me? I just said it. The doctor's like, well if you do that, you could get some sort of cancer. So just be careful.

When I would use the restuom take a no in and remind me I should get cancer screenings, she's like those you remember that I do?

Yeah, you're squiggles.

Well, because there were there were things that were left behind. Sometimes I were back to the ones and teos.

She meant I would bring like neck pillows and stuff in there.

I was telling Chris to get his cancer squiggles checked out. Meanwhile I was wandering around full blow just riddle with cancer so much.

Can kind why I brought it up, because I knew you would just say that every time I.

Get your finger out of your nose, and Missy just yours. I was always trying to get the boogers off my tips. Sure enough, I got to ask cancer, Well, let me make a correction. I didn't have ass cancer, but I did have boogers all over my tips.

God fuck, talking's fun, all right?

Goodbye?

Oh gosh, that's great, A lot of good memories.

Everybody would always ask, and I'm sure we just said talked about this on the other time I was on the show, but why not revisit it? But people would always say, oh my god, what was it like with you living together? And I would always act out us like sweeping and being like do you have money for the electric bill? I mean, we had fun times, but it was also like just a lot of sweeping and paying bills and having roommates alternating you know, coming and going and running the back house.

And the back house.

Who was in the back house? Can you give us some do some name drops?

Well, Kristin Shawl for a little bit, christ Great Opener?

Uh, will Or Waite? Who's the funny coast of Why am I forgetting? Is that? Seth uh?

Seth Rogan?

It was Joe Rogan, very funny, red haired guy with glasses. That's a comic.

Kurt, Yeah, he lived back there to really yeah Glazer, she was on the couch.

Did you guys have a signing sheet or anything to keep track there?

There's that. There was a German guy. He slept in the nude. Someone came into the house.

You were gone.

They walked right through those French doors and a very large man just walked in my room.

No, he was clothed. I was in my underpants.

I pushed him out and he would look so surprised that I.

Was kicking him out of the house.

Then he got angry on the porch and was trying to get back in. So I went out the back. Yes, yes, and very but certainly was in the gym at some point. I went in the back and the guy that was living back there, that German guy came out. He's like, yeah, he had a Volkswagen bus and a dog and.

In your German just because your car.

It was the accent and the uncircumcised penis that he came out with. I was looking to see if this guy was leaving, and he just ran up and he was flapping around.

He's like, what's going on? And I was like, right.

Here, You're like, I have the same question for you.

Yeah, will you just sleep like that? You weren't ready to go out?

Uh?

And then and but we uh, we did some diversionary tactics. He did like a cop voice, and the guy finally left.

A German cop voice. Yes, a naked German cup. So did the guy that came into our house? Did he see the naked German Man?

Yeah?

After the girl from Russia or Ukraine lived back there, MELI, who was she? I don't know, but I think she had something to do with the theft of your television.

Do you know what is very bizarre? Right?

Her friend? Remember you?

Your first Jake had never bought was one Aerosmith cassette and some some boxers and.

And you, Karen, I didn't remember your voice to be that beautiful.

It's Karen Karen Range.

When podcasting, when I feel like we're the same singers when we're podcasting, and then you hear her album, which I believe it's one of your favorites and all that. Karen knows how to take it to level two or three or four, but to not make us feel bad.

She has her car singing voice.

Oh okay, I forgot about brain roommate.

Well, you have that TV for a week. It totally makes tons of sense.

What is this?

I don't know?

Oh boy, okay, Well, there's just a guy standing in front of our car.

He is not the weird thing is coulous?

His line his.

Does this happen typically on the show?

No, it has a crazy guy basically standing on the car, but I can't tell him.

His eye line is with your eyes.

He's he's trying to make that and he's saying, yes, I have to roll down the window, which will never have no.

No, no, no, okay, there's a cop.

Oh my lord, thank you officer. God. I holy it was Yeah.

It's it's scary when someone is like that focused on you and you can't figure out why, and you start to think.

He came a spirit the sidewalk, like he saw our car and was coming for us. Specifically, he looked like he was just an asshole in a bar that was trying to start share.

Yeah, yeah, I'm wow. Well I'm glad. I just wanted to guys we did it tell him to stop.

Totally took down the vibe a little bit. Yeah, yeah, I think we can bring it back. I think we can. Yeah, I think we can't for sure.

But my thing of like I started picturing I'm going to go in reverse, which did you hear him go you can't go in reverse?

Did you hear him say that?

Oh, Like I put it in reverse to try to do the like back back whenever. And then it's like, but if I go that way and he jumps behind the car, then I hit.

Him right right.

Yeah.

Also that I can't find where these cameras are.

Yeah, it is.

It was like he was baiting us for something that we didn't have.

It's like someone in a black tesla fuck with him before, right, which they're everywhere.

Something someone wronged him and they had a car like this with the same But.

He also had the energy of like there could have been a gun in that yea, that was right.

That was the part.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

I didn't like that party either.

Yeah he did have a bag. It's ay scary when someone has a bag. Yeah he Oh.

Wait, I'm sorry. It's always scary when someone has a.

Bag, be it, yes, a backpack, a duffel, anybody, even if it's a clear bag, and even.

Loved one.

I don't like when people have things with them.

What I do don't even talk about if don't you did? You know as you can carry in burlaps?

Do you guys think that some of the people in traffic thought we did something to that guy and we were just getting what we.

Deserve, like you're making us look bad or that we just wouldn't go. Yeah, we were just like we were just thinking about it.

What's in that underpants store over there is what we were talking about.

It still bothers me that for some reason he singled you out, But then luckily I became his yes, source of attention.

We were able to transfer it over. But it was honest, he didn't care at all about me. I was taking my face in, I was trying to take pictures. Have you ever watched you go like this with your finger?

Oh?

No, you didn't.

You don't recognize her from many things very well known.

Blend Freemium, Blend freemium, Blaine one, Blaine twenty seven years ago, surf.

It's me the observation, I still haven't I could.

I see stuff that everybody else don't realize they see.

And I'll ever dig.

And she thought of a funny idea. She don't say, there's golden lazier.

He said, she killed her brain and then I just run off the heels looking for gold. God, that was weird.

I don't know, it's it's weird.

We're all low key traumatized.

It's not high key.

No.

Do you remember when that right there on the corner used to be like a cute little French quarter, New Orleans style, But look at it now? It is my point?

Yeah, look at it now.

That has a no trespassing sign, which reminds me of one of my favorite signs that I oftentimes see that says keep out exclamation point, which is weird because it's a sign yelling at you about something you already do.

Yeah, why escalate it? Yeah, you could keep emotion out of it and just say, hey, keep out.

Yeah, it's like, you know how you're not in here. Keep doing that.

Yeah, exclamation point kind of makes you want to go in there.

Right, Yeah, why are you already yelling at me? I'm I'm just looking in the direction of yours.

And I'm out. Yeah, I'm going to keep doing it, not even because of your side.

You keep doing that.

You have no interest until my choice?

Yeah, yeah, you're just yelling at someone out my choice.

What do you think would happen if those cops never came?

Karen still traumatized?

You guys, you would have seen that. I took karate in sixth grade.

I think it was because my choice was let's wait until somebody else.

Yeah, you're right.

I'm not proud.

I was not I did not want to get out, But then when he was being a dick, I think my plan always is to go, hey, do you mind, I'm sorry that you're having a bad day. Like you can relate to people, I can.

Get at it.

Yeah, you're right, I a bag. I don't. I do not like a bag. There could have been anything.

I've been anything, And the assumption of reason, I think, is how people get into trouble because the whole thing was happening in a world that he was living in, so he wasn't there to communicate with you about how there's no problem, right, he was going to fight my car.

Yeah, it just I thought at first because of his almost borderline kind face when it's resting, he had resting kind face, I thought he needed help, like, hey, can you pull over? Some stuff fell out of my bag?

All safe? Yeah, Michael Stipe.

Vibe, Yes he did.

Yeah, yeah, just like just a slender bearded man that you know. That came like b line, that's me at your bumper.

I should that all day.

It almost became a hood ornament.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, and he kept getting closer. There really was no Also, doesn't this car act on its own when there's a person's body, Like obviously on your map or whatever, there was an image of a person there, and your car would not have let you go forward, right.

I don't think if I pressed the gas it would have gone forward. I know it would have beaped, but I think it would have moved like a regular so we could.

Have taken care of it pretty quickly. I should have.

I'm sorry it wasn't efficient of.

Me, but I thought that's what he was saying. When koble Akwards Uh, maybe he knew a little bit. He used to work on Tesla.

It wasn't efficient of you in your very efficient car.

Before we lived together and I had the breakup. We lived behind this liquor store.

What and then in that yellow ye story and.

One day a car slammed in the side of it. We were not there. The brick and mortar all over the floor.

Okay, don't you think it's weird that you were telling the story of like the guy that came in and then that's kind of what happened in real life.

Yes, Chris, I was being interviewed recently and and your name came up, and I was just delighted that this guy interviewing me, and the Hollywood reporter was like, I love Chris Fairbanks. So we had a little.

Were you guys talking about comedy? I crossed my fingers.

You know, he's just in love with you. Yeah, yeah, I wanted to ask you out. I always used to go to.

His house, but he kicked me out. Yeah, I know.

He was saying, how funny he said, he's a big fan of Karen. I was getting to that, Karen, mean, he loves you too, and he listens to my favorite murder and then he said because of that, he started listening to this podcast. So I'm just now realizing he's gonna hear this all, and it took me a second the time. I's like, oh right, this is what turned him on to you. And then now he's very familiar with your comedy.

It's it's it's a shame that in the beginning of the story you just tore him apart for his physical appearance.

I was off putting.

Man, bun Kay can go back and get it.

That's well.

I love that it all is joined up in this super group of a podcast episode.

Yeah, this is.

The Alan Parsons of talking.

It was always funny when I first met you and you had pictures of you as a kid, like working on a car or something, and you'd have sig in your mouth, and it just seems like something you would never do that.

I've only known you to be a health person.

Yeah, well I did it. I did it. And in fact, that picture you're talking about of me smoking a cigarette, I'm changing a car tire.

Yeah, but you're twelve, Well I.

Was like eighteen or something. And on my podcast Handsome, we are making these stickers that are specific to each host that we're going to sell for our individual birthdays, and for my birthday we are packaging. It's funny that you would mention that picture, Chris, because look at this, my friend. I just sent it to Stephanie to choose which one to go with. Stephanie my wife. Oh yes, I'm so sorry with it, saying okay, Dike at the bottom.

Oh god, that's funny. Yeah, that's hilarious.

That's your long hair, Dave. Girls.

Okay, we get it, we get it well.

And the okay, Dyke that is at the bottom of that is from when Stephanie, my wife, and I first got together. We just we met up in person for the first time after texting for so long, and when we immediately met up, we start making out just instantly, and then and then we continue for a long time. And then the next day I'm like, Wow, I really do like this person that I had a hunch that

You said your wife that she's not gay.

She said this, yeah, yeah, because she hadn't dated a woman before.

I thought this was a recent email. No, oh my god, I'm like, this has happened before, Thomas light in the game.

This is what happens to the brain.

I'm traumatized by all the straight girls you dated. We lived together.

So she writes through this long, long email, and then I was like, I was a little deflated, but I just thought, well, what can I do? And then I just wrote back, okay, Dike.

Oh I'm okay.

And then she said when she got that too, that's so delighted. I was like, okay, I do like this. And now we're married, and we had two kids. Three cats the production company we're on year eleven.

I love them all, and I love two of the cats.

I you don't like the third. Like you you are cities imitation her into this woman into our podcast because she's just right there.

Oh yeah, we've done that before.

See that's when usually it was a time I tried to lightheartedly say we get it.

You're on a bicycle and that I chased us down.

Oh see, this isn't unusual that you run into mishaps. We've had a lot of problem. That's a great new name for the show, mishaps on.

Wheels easier to remember.

If I get introduced one more time with can I give you a ride?

Give it up for Christopher. I am embarrassed.

Please don't tell Steph that I should know when you said Stephanie, but I thought of your friend Stephy Will that was always at our house. So it's because we're thinking of that time. But I'm still obviously embarrassed that you had to go.

I am, I am. It's egg on my face.

So anyway, that's why it says okay, Dike, and we're selling those stickers genius.

You got it.

Yeah, it's not a sticker. You can just stick on something in mixed company.

No, no, no, don't stick it on the pew at church or do with your Episcopalian you'll be fine.

Yeah, those goddamn Episcopalian they don't know what they think.

Tick.

What are you? What are what pastime are you excited about these days? What are you interested in?

I've been treading water, really, yes, yes, I've had some surgeries in my in my past, and every time I've recovered from surgery, I'm told you gotta walk, but don't walk too much. Yea, And so we go again.

No, he's friendly, he just looks crazy.

It's a sweatshirt. It's not a bag. It's a sweatshirt.

Hey, pro onion. Man, that guy's a grip for sure.

Sorry, the other guy was a director.

We I swim too. That it's the best therapy, right.

Yeah, well, but I tread water for an hour at a time, and I started doing that so that I could exercise my entire body without putting too much pressure on myself. And I started at fifteen minutes, and I was like, oh, that's not bad. I'll go up to thirty. Did that. That's not a problem for me. I want to up to forty five. Who cares.

Let's do an hour a kidding for an hour.

Chris and I like, you should play water polo. Well, then i'd have to get a whole team together, and i'd have to learn the sword, whereas I can just be by myself in a pool and tread water. And I do that for exercise and I love it so much. And so we're putting a pool in over at our office.

Oh that's great.

Yeah, we didn't want to do it with our kids.

Please make it just be a deep, deep hot tub with a treading pool.

So but I have two arm lengths wise, yeah, because that is my hip.

Guy.

He was said, no more running. That makes your bones rub together, and uh, I started swamming. I didn't even know how to swim. I had to get a snorkel and now I love it.

Well, we should tread water sometime.

Okay, if you don't mind someone being right next year for fifteen of those fifty.

Minutes with a snorkel on, just in case I go below water. Yeah, I'd love to have you for fifteen of those minutes, doesn't it if.

You have any pain in your body because I had it radiating down my leg. Yeah, and then I would swim and it's like, oh my whole body feels better.

There's not much else.

It's so magically helpful in uh, strengthening your body, and like.

That's amazing that you tread that long. I can't.

Yeah, I kind of do it as it also is a meditative I don't like put headphones in. I don't do anything.

I just write.

I just tread and think.

When I first got into it, I'm like, there's no way this won't be the most boring thing ever. So I have waterproofed a little iPod and got underwater eared buds that were actually hard to find, and they of course didn't work. Water gets in there anyway. But I yes, just the focus and the breathing and maintaining a rhythm, because if I wasn't paying attention, I just all of a sudden veer off into the rope or whatever. You kind of have to pay attention to your breathing. Yeah,

But it's pretty great though.

I do love it. It's and I always forget how therapeutic it is.

Well, I'm I'm you know, as I mentioned getting older. I'll be fifty three, and I I can't believe that I have become the person that when I go out of town or I'm on tour, I bring my lesbian bikini which is just short board shorts and a swim shirt, and I get up in the morning and I go swim before other people. Well, I tread water, let's be honest. But I play water polo alone.

Ye, no team, no ball.

Yeah, but I do that now.

That's great because my guy was like, oh, just wait, like run in the water. And so I went to the Elizabeth Taylor Aquatics Center where I was prescribed to go a swimmer.

No, that's the funny thing.

There's these giant, long flags the shape of a flag that.

That get out of my pool.

Liz doesn't approve, and there's just her in a swimsuit. And that was the first thing I asked. I'm like, was she a big swimmer? And they're like, oh, no, she hated swimming. She just paid for this building. I despised it classic, but it was just me and a bunch of oldies, you know, rocking back and forth, and I'm like, I gotta start swimming. But treading takes it to the next level. That's actually it's very hard to like not touch the bottom for a whole hour. I'm proud of you.

Oh well, thank you. I'll blow your mind right now. Sometimes I tread without my arms, just legs, just like yeah, because after you get into treading water, there's only so much you can do, and so I start doing things like just tread with my arms, just tread with my legs, just you know what.

Do you do with your arms when you're just using your legs tight?

Well? Yeah, like Donald, I put them on my hips and I tread like a lady. Like is that the cops again?

Dance?

Do you know? My favorite thing to do is been like a cop pull someone over or there's something going on. I like to roll my window down and go, officer, what happened here? And they're like moving along it is? It brings me so much joy. They're so irritated, like why would they share with me? Explain? This is everything? All right? What happened here? While the person's being a handcuffed away?

Do you guys need a help?

I fancy myself a bit of a gum shoe.

I'll do the backup call.

If you want me to do a backup call.

Do you want me all his feet for? You know you're not cuffing his ankles? Okay? You want me to home time?

Just a cowboy, fully dressed up and cowboy gear.

I like the way that cop. I was rolling through that stop sign and I was basically about to just keep going and take the right, and then stopped because a cop was there, and he smiled as like, yeah, thank you.

I do the roll and stop too.

I do that all the time.

Karen.

Why did you ask what my hobby was these days? Out of things?

Yeah, I was like, well, I was trying to make small talk, and I feel like sometimes we have so much fun riffing that we don't give the guests like the floor in the right, right right, Oh, that we should.

We're going to have an open space now for you to talk about whatever you came to talk about, you your verbal diary. Yeah, but I'll tell you what Tigg's been doing as a hobby.

Oh, she gave me this. It's sprinkleable.

Oh yeah, it's mushrooms.

It's well, you don't tell everyone what's in it because I have the top seeds.

Yeah, well I gave away there's mushrooms and seeds.

Well, there's seventeen different types of mushrooms. And I call it Dike dust.

And it's working on me.

Have you enjoyed it? Isn't it so good? In savory?

I'm halfway done with.

The Okay, well swayed back by. It makes you feel real good.

It gives you. What does it give you?

Well, it's very nutrient dance and I created it when I became this isn't why I'm on the podcast, by the way. I I'm on the podcast because I needed a ride around in a circle.

But then to then have the confronting moment with a assaultant.

Early this morning called and said, can you help me get into a street fight.

But I when my family, my wife and our two children became vegan, I was in that typical panic of oh my gosh, what if we don't get enough protein and iron and whatever? And so I created this this I don't know little thing that you can sprinkle supplemental spy an old sprinkle and if somebody can come up with a name for it, because I would like to sell it one day. Whenever I go to someone's house or somebody comes over, I give him some of my

Missus Dike, I like sprinkleable supplements.

Yeah, and that's my attorney suggests that I call it, oh Notaro zone. Uh oh yeah, like a joke about like Newman Zone.

Illustration of you.

Yeah, that'd be great. What about Missus Tiggs, missus missus Tigs. Well, there's somebody in my my history of my life would call me miss Tig and I she was very terrible, uh, from my childhood, and I can't bring myself when somebody calls me miss Tig. I'm like, mister Tig.

It is mister Tigs Sprinkleble Supplement.

Mister Tig's Wild Sprinkles, and.

Mister mister Wild Sprinkle Ride.

Wait is my name now, tizz.

Missus Chizzys Sprinkles, Tizzy Fit, thank Youzzy Fit.

Yeah. So I can get you some dice dust if you like something and I want I would like.

Some, Okay, yeah, I do, because it also adds like a crunchy texture.

Two things like on a salad where you.

Want you want it for like you know, savory dishes like Pasta's pizza, yea salad, soup, baked potato. You understand you're getting it because.

It's relatively flavorless, but it gives.

But there's a little bit of flavor and it's so good like on avocado toast. Yeah yeah, and uh yeah, so this sounds awesome and I also want to make sure sorry mister tig sprinkleble tizzy uh for dykes only, and.

Then I should be dressed like an old fifties grocery store manager with like an apron and a bow tie, and then.

Like already do it, already do it. That's how I'm blinded.

I think, add a top hat to that, go outdoors to a carnival and be like, I've never met this person in my life.

What ails you? And then I'll be like on my back and my neck kits and then my neck tips, well they just coming in.

That's your neck tips a little soggy.

And then and then I'll sprinkle some on and then do a little tap dance and everyone will line up like an elixird person.

Yeah, I mean sold, It'll be.

Sold.

But I did come on the podcast to tell people about my new stand up special called Hello Again Nice and it is on Prime video?

Is it out already?

It comes out on March twenty six, and my beautiful lovely wife Stephanie directed it. Oh nice. Yeah, that's terrific. Yeah. So we work a lot together and we enjoy it. You have a production company, we do, We have a production company together. That's great. Yeah, I love it. Yeah, I love you too.

And are you and I owe you.

And I owe us some love.

Did you know that we acted like idiots every day and it feels like we're living together again?

Yes, it does.

It was like, what if we did the things we do, giggling and making we would laugh so hard. I one of us would make the fart noise and the other one has to react to the fart face without life.

That matches the particular thing.

I don't care who you are.

You can be a professor, are of all parts of everything, butt farts.

Butts.

Uh, and you will laugh. It's so fun to make the face.

Yes, yes, we don't have to do it now because it's not good for audio. And then just different physical scenarios act the mount and it's like, what if we did this song, No one would think with tigs dry delivery and my wordplay that we're just just monkeying around.

Just waiting to make mushroom dust for everybody.

That's right.

One of my favorite memories is being at Sarah's roof party and the three of us pretended we were about to jump off the roof for like a half an hour. Do you remember that we just kept going up and it would be like somebody would like do some bad small talk of like what are you interested in these days?

And they'd be like, pretend that story didn't go anywhere, But I am.

It was the funniest thanks to me, like a little a little.

Sample of maybe what it was like if there the guard rail was exactly med thigh height, y you so easily could accidentally it was so there might have been.

Many people from Sarah's rooftop parties that ended up. When you're like, where did that comedian go? I hadn't heard of them in a while sidewalk Yes, wow.

Oh I one time there. I wasn't with you.

It was when I was still getting invited as a solo project. I thought it'd be funny to accidentally fall in the pool and have someone toss me that life preserver and it didn't get Everyone thought it was too much.

Yeah you agree, Yeah it was too much.

Were you there?

Well, I could just tell you overdid it? Yeah? You pushed too hard?

I said, help, help.

I cannot swim and not swim. I can't swim, but I cannot cannot, but I can tread water for one hour and.

No one's listening. That makes them jump off.

That's tough because you really made a huge case at that part.

I had to take my huge splash.

I walked wet in my underwear to my car feeling like I made no new friends.

Yeah on ah boy, there's many embarrassing moments.

Yeah, take thanks for being here.

Yeah, this was not one at my house. Yeah, thanks for living here. Okay, thanks for having me here at my house. Parked in front, and do you want to go around one more time? No, no, I'm all done.

He again.

If anybody wants to check out Handsome, it's me Fortune, Famestera and May Martin and we just if you like the nonsense of this podcast, we are one hundred million percent nonsense.

Yeah, I like it. That's the only relaxing.

That's the thing I like.

Is like doing the dishes, going around my house, trying to calm the fuck down for the day, and you're listening to your friends. Just have fun and it's just jokes and calm Yeah, laughing.

Enjoyment is tizzy.

And listen to us. Now it's radiates.

To break out your mushroom powder and pour it on your face.

You could have it on your avocado toast, or you can put it straight on your face. Hello Again, premiering the twenty sixth of this month, the month I forget because I don't go to school anymore and I don't write checks. I don't know what year it is, but on the twenty six one of these months, Hello Again by Tig, a comedy special. Okay, and let's not forget Misty Tig Sprinkleble supplements.

Available at all your depositories.

Stores, Unhandsome. We did talk about how many times in Fortune's life her grandmother shoved a suppository in her bottom anytime she didn't feel well. In goes a suppository, no matter what the symptom want, I go to get out of there, find something else to do.

My mom loves sticking stuff up there too.

Scramble, you just have a fever?

Why do we have to use that?

Don't you have a tennis ball to put at the bottom of your uh Walker Walker stranger? Yeah, so weird, guys, but tennis balls at the bottom of Walker.

It's like my father's middle name was Walker. Oh all right, well with that, I'm going to walk home. Thanks for having me. I know you're both two of the funniest people alive, and I'm sick of people thinking that I'm exaggerating.

Oh thanks, well, I got I expect it's thank you.

Detroit you were awesome. You're the best. I mean it, Detroit was the best. PA two are the funniest.

Oh Ti, you're the best.

Yeah, that was a classic.

I'm sorry I ever left you. You've been listening to Do You Need a Ride?

D y n A.

This has been an exactly right production.

Produced by Annalise Nelson.

Mixed by Edson Troy.

Our talent booker is Patrick Coottner.

Theme song by Karen Kilgarrett.

Artwork by Chris Fairbanks.

Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at dinar podcast That's d y n ar podcast.

For more information, go to exactly rightmedia dot com.

Thank you both.

You're welcome.