S4 - Ep. 36 - Howard Kremer

Are you leaving? I you wanna way back home? Either way, we want to be there. Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a terminol and gay.

We want to send you off in style.

We wanna welcome you back home. Tell us all about it.

We scared her? Was it fine?

Malborn? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do your need to ride?

To ride?

Do you need.

With Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need a ride? This is Chris Fairbanks and.

This is Karen Kilgaroth.

Karen, I saw that you did Largo recently.

Yes, thanks for asking.

I and all the listeners would like to know how your first time back on stage and quite a.

While went well.

Thank you.

It was a live podcast, so I was not getting.

Stand up comedy.

I thought, that's okay. I'm not disappointed except for your voice. Yeah, it's too late. I did the ex sale. I wanted you to have done a whole twenty minutes a new one liners.

It's okay.

God, I wish with the and we can blame Elon. Musk's absolutely just destroying Twitter. I don't have material anymore because I don't write jokes as a fun.

Practice anymore either me either. It's I do talk into my phone, into my notes. That's my new Twitter. But you don't get the feedback.

So how do I know?

You know what we could do?

And I'm kind of serious about this because also our friend Zach Mary Towers is a person who I'm going to go to a show that he's going to do later this week, and he was like, and if you're interested in stage time, I can get you on this show. And I was like, what I haves minus ten minutes? I not only don't have ten minutes, I haven't been on stage in so.

Long, but what about doing old bits.

The last time I did a set like it's was four years ago. It was truly terrible. I didn't care about anything that's saying because it was just like a string of tweets. Yeah, there was just kind of no personal anything behind it.

Shit, did you see that pop hoole?

No, it's amazing what the rain does to the roads here.

It looks like a pop pond, the pop pool. It was gigantic, but anyway, it was ghosted by Roz Hernandez's live podcast. I did it with Chris Fleming, who is the funniest.

Yeah.

I was thinking from the photo he should be on the podcast. He makes me laugh all the time I thought he was on the podcast, other than the time he was on.

But you know what it was, It was a zoom version.

He should be with us.

Yes, he is such an in person vibe process like so fun Yeah, and he's so funny and it was such a delight. But I will say this, I had two funny experiences as I was sitting there. At one point I realized I was just watching like I was watching TV. I had felt no compulsion to be funny at all or participate. And then I was like reminding myself, like, you're in this show. You're not watching this show right.

Didn't like what I was saying.

Oh and really, yes, that that surprises me.

Well, but I don't think that's actually what was happening. I think that's that thing that comedians due to themselves on stage, where they are starting to interpret the sights and sounds around them incorrectly to feed the narrative. Right, I can't do this anymore. Oh they don't like like that kind of thing. Where whoever? The first person who I talked to you after, I was like, oh my god, you killed that was amazing, and I was like, what I thought?

That was like an abject failure.

I compare everything if it's a hey, here's a homework show or a live game show or any of those non just stand up gigs. I'm so used to and depend on laughs per minute with my stand up Yep, I take it personally. When it's just an audience listening to a conversation.

Yeah, it's hard. It's harder.

Yeah, Like, if we were doing that's on stage right now, they're so far and I'm not knocking us at all, there would have been zero left so far.

We're just building up.

This is true.

We haven't I haven't. We haven't.

I am you haven't said anything. I haven't said anything. Funny is what I meant to say.

But here's here's the fun cute part. Yes one, I went with Bridger and because it's hard to go to shows by.

Yourself and be like, oh I'm here.

So I made Bridger go with me, and when we went out to my car, somebody had stuck a gift certificate unfortunately for Starbucks, which we're trying not to go to anymore, right.

But they went and stuck it on my car. It's like, Chris, here's for Chris and Carrot.

How they know your car?

Well, because we fucking talk about it on this podcast. But it didn't. I swear to god. It didn't scare me or make me go. Oh no, it made me go, you guy, yeah, yeah, yeah, because that's the vibe to me.

Yeah, oh, for sure.

It's amazing. They probably had no idea. They're like, well, it was it in the alley.

Yes, oh, I'm sure they've gone to Largo before and they know that's gotcha.

Okay, that makes sense, it seems to me, because hey, it's a tesla, it's probably ours.

Here's twenty five dollars.

Yeah.

Also, there's so many teslas in this town that they were rolling the dice for sure.

Yeah.

But they probably saw my terrible park job and they're like, there she is.

No, no, you're behind the wheel. You are quite adept.

Thanks grit, Yeah, how are you?

I'm great?

I Uh, someone did call me a mouth breather today, but I think it was just a.

General Why were you being incredibly sexist and racist or something exactly?

That's what I think too.

You hear the phrase mouth breather and you think someone that's like aggressive or a big.

Dumb guy with like a bowl cut that you know, it's a dumb ass, But it I think it was because I was.

Standing there with my mouth open and I realized I do, indeed technically breathe.

Through my mouth, and I snore.

Who was this person just to passer by someone to try their window was down. I was standing on a corner waiting to cross to go get some coffee, and they thought that there's a guy with his mouth open. I've been waiting to fire off this bit. They don't ever have stage time. This person in the car They called me a mouth breathing and I'm like, what is the connection? Why did we say, Hey, someone's a big, tough, mean looking person. Why are they breathing through their mouth?

He's got sources.

People, if you're a snorer, you you developed incorrectly. That's what this sleep study is saying. Now, I'm not saying you don't know stuff. You don't have street smarts, street smarts or mars. You don't leave mark I'm out there doing graffiti, leaving street marks.

That takes brain power.

God, damn my own brain mouth andase, yeah, I uh yeah, I just didn't know there is that connection.

Yeah. I just thought it was an insult.

Yeah, me too. It's it's quite technical. It was started by a doctor.

So do you think a doctor did a drive by insult on you?

I think it was doctor Drew. Oh that he said I need to lift more weights too.

Damn it.

He said.

He said, this relationship is not healthy. Stop dating your junior high history teacher.

That's the doctor Drew we all liked.

Now he's just like, do you want to know how to get rid of corners? All?

It isn't from salads? And he's lifting weights while saying it. I got this video today.

He's lifting weights telling people how if you're above forty, you need to stop being without muscles, and you don't know anything. Dieting and salads are not the answer. And then it's some link to make money. Yeah, although you know, if he's listening.

You look great.

Don't kiss his assay.

No, he's just as surprising as JK. Simmons without a shirt on.

And yes, I googled it. It's just you know, a lot of a lot of time in the gym.

Well, he made a lot of.

Sweet, sweet money.

Yeah.

I'm sure he has a gym right outside his bedroom door, of course. And he's got the free time. He's got the privilege and the luxury of being a war guy and bossing other people around.

He's got the ego of a doctor. I know everything.

Yep, yep.

Let me tell you how to do stuff. Okay, I'm listening.

Yeah, and I am listening.

And I am listening. But here's the thing. Ryan Seacrest never tells me what to do, except for go to Marongo casino.

Oh does he do ads?

Oh?

Yeah? Wow on podcasts?

Really? Oh that's one of its sponsors that keeps him from drinking. No, uh, wow, I didn't know that.

Yeah, it's true.

It's a beautiful rainy day. I thought a nice segment would be, let's swap Karen. Okay, our most memorable rain based stories.

Okay, is this a bad segment? No?

I think it's really good rain based Well, I'm.

Talking about the rain. That's what they can't. We can.

And also the words were wrong.

Well it's talking about.

Oh I get it.

You change them.

Wait wait, so we can keep it in because it's a spoof.

Right, it sat tired and I changed the genre.

Jim cleared it from pop to folk.

As long as you change the genre.

It was folk. When you're just saying it, yeah, the rain, don't do it again?

Oh damn it?

Twice now?

Two lawsuits, one episode?

Can we get around this? Sir? Just let me buy Thank you, thank you. That's how we work together, Los Angeles.

They did it. Thank you. I appreciate it. What's that car?

A Kia right up ahead, the.

One that let me over?

Oh yeah, Kias are friendly.

Drivers, Sea soul, really down to earth people. Here's my rain story. I got into three different car accidents when I was living in sacrament know, going quote unquote going to college, but actually flunking out of college.

Are you boozing.

No, every single time it was because I was driving too fast in the rain.

You've become such a good driver, though, that's the second time. Now it seems like I'm kissing your ass doctor Drew style.

It seems like you're drowing me, and I will not click your look.

You're a good driver. I've said it before.

But I am always like, because you know, when it does the first time it rains, especially in Los Angeles, people immediately like, be careful, this is where all the oils come up, and the roads are more slick and whatever. I can't tell you that all three accidents, it was me zipping along in some shitty old car that my dad let us take to college, and suddenly I'm like, uh, oh, hit the brakes and just slide into the back of the car in front of me. Oh every time, So

It's great, okay?

And I is it segment worthy?

It is okay. I don't know if the song was, but I.

Heard that when I moved to Texas, be careful when it rains here. There's oil on the road, I guess because it gets so hot that it seeps up from the melting, because the road would melt there, it would bubble wow, and you'd walk across on flip flops and they'd stick ooh, and then you'd burn your feet it is.

And then a scorpion goes in your boot.

Yeah, it's a whole series of events, and it happens every time, and it's true.

When I moved, I bought a rear wheel drive like Mustang because I thought that was a Texasy car.

And it was a lot of Mustangs did it.

And I moved from Montana and then I just every time it rained, it was like driving on ice shit and.

Cars would fly off the road.

So I saw so many terrible rags and I didn't I never understood it because actually, when it rains here, it's not as slippery because the road melts a little less.

I think it's less melty and more well. And also I think the especially lately, Oh look at that. That's gonna be a real truck. Yeah.

That bus thought I could throw its weight around. But no one cares about the bus. No, sorry, sorry, bus people are gonna have to wait to see the stars homes. I also thought the oil when I first moved there, just because I've only watched movies about Texas, which are just oil men with oil raining down on them.

Yeah, I thought about.

Actual oil coming down, being drilled and drizzling down, and that's why I was on the roads.

Oh I could there there could be some truth to that.

Were you just as straight up Montana Rube.

There's a lot I didn't know, coming from the isolated fourth largest state in the country.

Yeah, yeah, we have all.

Of our civics teachers are teach wrestling. I didn't a lot about the world.

I mean, you know, I think everyone can kind of say that.

Yeah. Yeah, a lot of gym teachers teach history and government.

They do and wear the same bike shorts bike brand, not bicycle. Those those polyester gym teacher shorts with the strap up top and they say bike.

Oh, and they're kind of like to stand and watch boys practice football.

Yes, yes, yeah, and watch them shower at least in my school.

But oh yeah, you had to shower. If you didn't, you got a check mark every day.

You had to have a towel. You had to write your name on a shirt. I asked recently, it's still a rule. No, you have to have your name on your shirt. And you have to shower otherwise you fail.

And then they and they let a teacher stand there and watch boys shower.

They enforce it and sometimes it's like a teacher's assistant. So it's someone your age that and they're uncomfortable.

We need to make some phone calls out for this podcast.

I know.

It's very strange, very strange. It seems like a distant memory. It is, but I remember it vividly because I'm like, I've never been naked in front of anyone. Now it has to be. All of my peers were all growing at different rates. Yeah, and I was not ahead of the gang.

Are you serious?

I was a little boy, a little boy with a little boy penis, showing it off to guys who are already shave and and with all supervised under an adult.

Creepy.

Yeah.

I don't like any of it.

I don't know either. My rain story, Oh, I think I have one. Oh I one time I used to because mine is sort of a drinking story, and I'll finish it quickly because we're.

Coming up on Dragon manner.

Yeah, you better.

I used to at this house, me and my friends would go party at There was a lot of drinking young young like malt liquor drinking, the first drinking I ever did, and I was always worried when the police came to shut things down. I would run and hide in a bush, the same bush every time, so often that my friends knew, at like two in the morning to go check the bush. And sometimes I'd go back to the bush and my wallet would be there from the previous weekend, or a key, Oh there's my house key.

Home, talking about the rain.

That's the end of the segment. We're trying out new things talking about the rain. One day, you'll teach me to harmonize way lesson over.

I think you do, or maybe I do.

I think I learned. Wait, you know, as we're waiting for Howard, yes, our guest of the day, m hm, you can, he'll pull this out and tell you who gave us that beautiful gift.

And as you look it up, I will give you the sleep dot org.

It says to Karen and Chris, if you're reading this, I'm sorry for the crazy fangirling you just saw. Enjoy a double tall one popemoca and an Arnold Palmer with coffee instead of tea on me.

Love the podcast, Love you guys in the podcast. Kelly Jones from San Diego.

That's nice.

She came all the way up from San Diego to see you.

You do know that, right, yes, Idea and roz and she says she's a dinosaur and a murderingo for life. God bless you. Kelly Jones. Yay, Kelly, thank you.

And yeah, Howard's not quite here yet. So here's the Sleepfoundation dot org. Here are the negative effects thought to be associated with mouth breathing. Oh okay, sleep disorder, dry mouth cavities, gum disease, bad breath, decreased cognitive ability.

Dang, isn't that What are they saying? It affects your brain to breathe through your mouth, like it's better to breathe through your nose for your cognitive ability.

I think it's a byproduct of something that happened at birth, my convulsions. I don't know snoring, and my inability sometimes to perform like well doing taxes.

I'm sorry that cab almost hit me.

I watched that cab drive straight toward me and then basically right at the last second, realized I was in the road.

Sometimes it seems like they're being a you. If I were to judge the driving of every New York City cab driver who does it all day in its second nature for them.

They get so close to other cars, Yeah, they.

Are in control. I would I would not go two inches from another.

No, I certainly would not either.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Yes, who knows today's guests from clubs, clubs and colleges?

I know, Hey, Gran, Hey, what's up? Flash?

Do you have you ever met on a lease?

It's very very rare that a guest says hello to our Really, yeah.

You got a bunch of rude rudys.

Howard, how are you? I miss you?

I miss you too. It's been so long, it has been so long. I've got to confess something right off the bat. Okay, So it's great to see you both. First of all, I know both of you longer than you known each other. How about that?

Ye, the first time you took me into a laundromat to do stand up and I was terrified.

That's the night I met Karen.

Oh wow, when.

You were doing the British accent going the loundrow and it made me laugh.

I could see it. That sounds fun. So here's what happened. I uh, I read your book. I don't know how many books do you have, Karen? Okay, so you got robbed the year that came out of like the Twain Prize or something like that. I mean, I'm nervous to talk to you actually, because there's the chapter specifically on the latch key kids. I mean I was like, when have I laughed at hard reading something out loud? And

That's so great that literally is making me cry. Yes, that means the world to me.

Would you Like I go into the into the bathroom to get the hair brush and I hold it up over my head. It's real now, and then you go and to beat the hell out of her with it. But then and there's so many times it just says hate her, and I just like felt that every time.

Oh that's you know what's funny when I so we you know, we got this book deal, and then we were both like what the fuck are we doing? Like what how are we going to write a book? Like it was so scary.

I didn't know that you got the deal before that you were even writing a book.

It's like that thing that they do.

We're like, if you have a thing that gets popular enough, you suddenly it sets off the thing of like now you're gonna have.

This you this what I write, either a book or yoga clothes.

We tried so in writing that we just kind of figured like, well, just it'll be a bunch of essays and then that'll be the way, you know, we'll just do it that way because we're not gonna like sit down together write a you know some sort of.

And then it also surprised me that it was so like confessional, but not about really what you guys talk about on your podcast, right, it was self help, self help be in a good way, and then also just sharing life stories. Yeah, for anyone listening who thinks you got to be into murder to read that book, you don't Howard.

I can't to get a four star or a five star review from you is just the greatest.

I practice what I was going to say, and I was like, oh, there she wrote that.

But I will tell you just for the moment of it, because I know both of you will appreciate this because you probably both definitely had this feeling before.

When I got the idea for that latch Key Kid chapter.

It was like that thing where it goes glean in your brain and you're like, oh shit, this is good. And I wrote it super fast and literally just it was a true memo.

But also I was like, oh this is I was just so excited.

Yeah, I mean that that that came out quick makes sense to me because it's just like it's so it was one of those things where I don't want it to end, and it just kept going. And then like the way you took you know, you took such small increments of time. You know you cover seven to seven thirty. So good, Oh that's.

Great, I got.

I'm being quiet right now because I feel bad that I not only haven't read the book just in general. It's a little secret of mine that I don't read and I'm feel embarrassed about it because I have I've always had an issue and I would get over it where I'm like, been through three pages and I realized the whole time, I'm just thinking.

About yeah yeah, okay, yeah, I start.

Back over yeah yeah yeah.

All the time. So it takes me forever to get through a book, but I need to. And also it's.

Also like practice too. If you've been doing it a lot, it gets easier than just starting, like, I haven't read in months, how do you do it?

Yeah?

And I truly have probably twenty five copies of the book laying around my house because I'm supposed to be doing things with it.

But I'll say more, Hey, I have one my twin sisters, a murderino. Yeah oh hell yeah, and we're in a semi kind of a Cold war feud.

Like, let's solve it.

You could have no I want to arms. Yeah, that's you and your sister. I'd rather you inscribe it with something like Howard's right.

Howard's right, and you've been wrong all along?

Yeah, that book.

That giving her that book will be like David Hasselhoff singing at the Berlin Wall, It's going to end the Cold War.

Or it's going to blow it up so much worse as I her favorite podcaster come down on her brother's side.

Oh yeah, that's what I want.

Howard, If you could write a book, or if you had to write a book, what do you think you would write about?

That's a tough one. I never feel like I have. You know, it doesn't seem like you have much to share until you have a gun through your head, like you have to write it. Yeah, but uh, how to have a summer We tried that one time, like how to teach people to have more of intense summer experience?

Yeah I would buy that.

I would too.

Yeah.

Then not read it?

Yeah, not read it? Leave it? Why you're ound? That's my problem? You put it at a local neighborhood library.

Yeah, well I can just already see the cover of it. You on a ski do with an oranga tan?

Yes you do learn that? Yeah?

Yeah? What about when you long before I met you?

But the stories about you and Chip in Austin, it's like, oh, those are the guys that made it in Austin Stories?

How did that come about? How did you get that show? I don't think I ever knew?

Oh really? Yeah? Okay, yeah, Austin Stories MTV.

We did a definitive nineties fake reality television.

Yeah yeah, fake reality, scripted reality ahead of its time. Yeah, played ourselves pre.

Best in Ship, pre waiting for Guffman, go On, go In, and.

So living in Austin doing stand up. They sent a couple people around MTV did to look for talent, and they went to a bunch of cities. They went to San Francisco and found like Paton and Blaine for whatever they were trying to do, and then they came to some other towns and stuff, and then they just thought

So sad. I was so sad when I saw that.

Yeah, yeah, rip, he's super funny, super good guy.

Wait what sorry, I don't remember him from Austin Stories.

Oh yeah, he wasn't in it because he chose to do King of the Help. Oh and that was that was one of the like I remember just this phone call I had with him. Where I'm going, Dude, we're gonna be on camera. We that thing's a cartoon. No one's gonna see you. This is how Karen should do this. He wound up like buying his mom three houses. But yeah, yeah, So anyway, they saw us and they gave us one

Okay, that's why I thought. I thought the video. I didn't know.

They came at you with, hey, will you do a show about Austin?

That's all they said, right, yeah, they just they were just like, do a show about yourselves. Austin wasn't even super like a character in the show yet that was their idea. But basically, we made all these videos and then they just passed on it. They passed on it, and then another year went by and then they looked at it again and then they called us like, hey, we want to do something. So now it's two and a half years since they initiate that.

I remember, like, out of nowhere, you just got the call.

Yeah, legend has it that Johnny was at MTV or something and said, well you should remember them. It was like some kind of thing. So yeah, that was it. Then then that kind of got rolling slowly and then we shot a pilot. They waited three months to get green lit, so it took three and a half years from the em initially finding us to get our show and then we did one season. Yeah yeah, but we got to come out here and you know, meet everybody.

Do stand up at a laundrymount?

Do stand up at a laundry mount. I remember the first time I saw you was at the improv. You and mary Land. Oh really yeah, And I was like, oh god. I was like, I'm like, these are seniors. I'm freshmen.

That's where they're doing girls Guitar Club.

No, it was something maybe Sarah was in it too, us about a ghost Remember that there's something you know.

At the improv in the in the.

Main room you were doing it was like, because this is when I was like, oh wow, like alts sneaking into the main club and these fuckers are good at it, and yeah, you were doing it was some wacky conceptual thing in the main room.

Wow, ghost based Remember, it wasn't sure, it wasn't the sketch show that me and Margaret Chow did.

It wasn't I remember being you and Maryland? Where's that tour? How about that? Like when I came into the Queens of you know what I'm saying, you, Sarah Maryland, that's a tour people would want, don't you think?

I don't know.

I'll make a poster for it.

Get him on the horn.

I did a poster for Comedians of Comedy.

Nice.

Yeah, that was nice to hear from Dave Wrath that year as my manager.

Well, you design. I love the guy. I enjoy his company. I was at the bottom of the grapes of wrath.

Of wrath, you were that bottom grape, Yeah, the one that's a little small and kind of brown, but so sweet. I don't understand how people want to be managers when essentially you set yourself up to make it so that no one's ever happy and you're never giving anybody enough, right.

Like that is just I think it's the same, you know, it's the pimp mentality. Just I'll service my top clients and just kind of keep everybody.

Yeah yeah, yeah, and then ultimately, bitch better have my money.

Yes, you are am I supposed to tell you what's what's the No, No, you just want to stare at the backs of our head.

Do you have Errand I don't know.

It's like I couldn't think of one. I could get a lighter.

Maybe are you still doing those arsons?

Yeah? For my arsons?

Yeah, yeah, don't do it in the rain, it'll take fu Yeah.

Yeah, this is stupid today.

Howard, are you still doing the legendary COVID beating comedy show on the sidewalk?

Oh?

A great question. Squat melt squat melt comedy crawl stopped it about I don't know, like eight months ago. We came back strong out of pandemic. Ye, but never really built the audience back. And I'm not a great promoter or anything like that. The idea I wanted it to be was people new to come and show up. So it never really got to where people would just come no matter what and know that they could get up.

Oh yeah, just around I mean that would be.

It's good for festivals.

It's a great idea for a festival.

Yeah, the best version I felt was in Echo Park on the lake there, wandering around and then but there was that one time where these kids on bikes were being tough and smoking cigarettes, drinking their mad Dog and they were hackling, and then I let something come out of my mouth that maybe would make a kid want to fight.

Did you say, relileigh?

Yeah, no, that's all that's two thousand and five, Chris. I brought them really to Minnesota and had ever. They're like, what are you just saying?

Really? Really? I'm like it came from Yeah, that's how.

You start a fight like like that. You're basically saying do you want to go?

It's him processing what happened and he can't believe it because he's so made. You cut me off with no one else on the road.

Really, yeah, yeah, someone bumps into me in line?

Really really really.

I think it had a popularity the really as a confrontational world word, but it kind of went away.

Let's bring it back, Yeah, bringing it back it helps.

To build up the tension in your own mind too, like just keep.

Really yeah it really just paste around my apartment saying really, really, this is life?

Really are we in Santa Monica.

I think so is that a bad idea?

No? But it's crazy though. I've been doing some stand up at this club that's like in a bad, seedy part of Santa Monica. Gold Diggers, Uh No, it's.

It is it called the Los Angeles Comedy clubber No, Okay, are.

You gonna tell us what it's called.

I could tell you it's called third Wheel.

M But have you been posting videos of you performing that was?

Yeah, that's that place, okay, and you can get up a lot. But it's like it's not uh, I mean it's not as friendly of an environment as we're used to. I would say that's what we need. Yeah, there's just a lot of like people just come at you.

Yeah, you know, like with heckling.

Not as much checkling. It's just the other comics. It's just like this new generation of comics has had it pretty tough. You know, like a lot of them even live in their car. Like it's so it's like you don't get a lot of just come at you for all kinds of ship.

You know, wow during your set or just.

Like you're hanging outside outside and stuff. But yeah, there can be hecklers and then there's like some fights have happened. It's just like town, there's there's there's there's hookers out there every night. Let's say I'm sorry, sorry, sorry, hey, what I'm sorry, I'm behind on that. I didn't know that.

If you go way back, you're yeah, that's like yeah, like that's like.

Between I think it went hookers, Uh, prostitutes.

Yeah, that's one thing is on forensic files.

Yeah.

And then basically it's just that culturally people use that phrase. And then it's like, so therefore, if I say, if I call a person that, I don't have to care what happens to me because they're blank.

And so the new version is sex workers to be like, hey, there.

Are people I like to go with the classic that I think should make a come comeback Women of the Evening.

Oh that's very nice, classy. What I'm hearing in some of the rap songs is cracking cars. I'm out here cracking cars.

Really, what is that? Could you delve into that?

Meaning I'm like, I'm making my money getting it out of these cars that go by.

Oh oh yeah, wait, guys, I think we're on. We're here, we're unseen from a big something or other over here.

Yeah, we we like to investigate crime.

Yeah yeah.

Can we get a comment? I get it.

Do you have anything to say? Pucks Tony Phil?

Did you see that postni Phil attacked the guy that was holding him up this year?

Yeah?

Yeah, that was amazing.

Love that that guy looks so pissed.

The animals are wisen up.

Yeah they are.

Stop users for your weird rituals.

Stop putting clothes on it.

Yeah yeah, I bit your hand because I thought my shadow.

Was on it.

Sorry. I mean it makes sense that they do that to that groundhog and hold him up like that and do all that ship where it's like, it's amazing, it hasn't happened sooner, and it's a.

Made up like tooth fairy thing. There is no what what started that tradition? Does anyone know?

Let Howard take this?

Howard do you know about this?

They're like, we're too dumb to know what the weather's gonna who's smarter than us, this groundhog?

Yeah yeah, there's all these big words in the Farmer's Almanac.

Let me get this rat to talk.

My dog brought in blossom.

She brought in a mole into the house one time, and it was black like my sweater.

Via inviter in her mouth.

In her mouth, it was making a clicking noise that sounded like mechanical.

What's that?

And I look over and she's like whipping it around like I'm gonna love it. And then I looked at it and its front teeth were like bigger than its face. I can't explain it, but they're so scary and wild looking, and those front teeth are like look like it's like.

It's an underground, subterranean creature.

That's right, that's got to like bite his way through earth and rock. You don't want to be there near those teeth.

Oh my god, is my point?

No, especially like when you're hanging out in your house, you're smoking pot and then all of a sudden, it's just a woids critter.

It's a clicking metal mole under attack.

And then the wallpaper wallpaper starts bubbling up and it's a tooth first worm with legs.

Lord, hey, we're going We're gonna go past this place if we keep going down.

Okay, great, let's do it. We'll do a drive by. I'll see if we can sign up for their showcase.

Now, yeah, we can stop and play quarters in front too, if you want, we play quarters out there where you gotta like you gotta throw your quarter closest to the wall. Oh and it's it's it's surprisingly compelling.

Are you not allowed to touch like bounce it off?

Now you can bounce it, but you just gotta be you know, it's got to land closest. And those guys play poker upstairs over there, and uh, I hate it. I think it's boring. And they all get into like poke. Poker's like coke. It'll just like take a right person and just drain all the fun out of there and making weird and suddenly so true.

Yeah, wow, I'd love this new scene that you're diving into.

And I've seen comics get off stage and then get into their car with their pillows and stuff.

That makes me sad.

Yeah, no, it's sad for something. But like a lot of them are just up front about it. And then some of them I moved out of it. Now they've got a place and stuff, but then new ones come.

Have they scoped out safe places to park?

Yeah, there's some kind of there's lots and there's like stores where they could go and they don't get bothered man. Then one of them's like, hey, I got a part in this movie and I want to know if you want to play my neighbor. And I was like, oh, yeah, that's so's cool and he goes yeah, he goes, I'm living in my car and then you're the guy in the next car. You're my neighbor. Oh. So it's like, all right, that's how you see me. Okay, that's good, sounds good.

Yeah, and he's like, and I'm filming it on my phone.

Yeah. Yeah, Actually I think he just pulls out his throne. You're hired. This is non union.

So wait, you've basically kind of stumbled upon a new comedy scene.

Yeah. It's been pretty crazy because when I first walked in there, I was like, oh, look at all these people. I was like, I got to prove to these people I'm funny. Jesus Christ, you know, because nobody you don't know anybody. And then after a few months went by it was kind of going a lot. I was like, wow, yeah, it's got all these new It really reminded me of Austin to Christ just what I keep thinking of. Yeah, and there's and there's characters, you know, every scene has

There.

There was a guy that used to show up at vel veto open mic that just would bring a bucket on stage, not say anything, turn his back to the audience.

And try and pee into the bucket.

Oh my god.

A lot of times he'd have stage fright and it wouldn't come out, and he said, sorry, I'll try again next week. And we remember the week that he successfully started peeing in the bucket and you could hear it, and everyone started cheering because we'd all seen this weirdo.

Right, Yeah, that's setish.

I bet that was a setish. You guys were used.

He did ask everyone to please take their shoes off first.

I wouldn't have let that fly. That had to be after I moved.

Oh yeah, yeah, no, there was there was definitely a gate keeping at the velveto room where I remember telling a series of puns and then someone just shut out, like uh like beacher, someone just shut off the mic on me, and I got so Montana angry, and then I learned to love those guys like it was there to.

Say really about ten times yeah yeah really.

Yeah, I was made jerk and then really, yep, that's me. But yeah, that's what goes on here too. It's like a lot of that, Like it's like a big pack of dogs and that everybody's kind of like regulating each other.

Are there any girl comics?

Yeah, there are. That. Like one thing that's great about it's it's like, you know, black, White, Latin, Asian, LGBT, there's females, there's everything. But it is I mean there are times when you're hearing stuff that you just really haven't heard a comedy club in a while, because I mean there's there's like you know, there's Eastern European guys going up and they say what they want and they say it a lot of times in front of the

Yeah, I have the same every other Monday. I go all the way down to Manhattan Beach to Poncho's Mexican restaurant and they have a show that they've done for like ten years.

So people show up and it is you.

Know, local guys.

Yeah, like surf fiscally conservative surf dads, right, and but it it It is good for me to make sure I can make those people laugh.

And when I was running my set for like Conan, which is a long time ago.

I would go there to make sure that it had like, uh, you know it appealed to like regular people, not just LA comedy scene people.

Super valuable.

Yeah, it's for TV, yes, Yeah, you need to realize the majority of people watching TV or maybe people you wouldn't have over.

Yeah, and they won't get your jokes about Dave Ra exactly.

Besides also like just so see in general, you go down there and you're like, oh, they don't get anything that you talk about in LA like did just you're not preaching to the converted at all.

Yeah, right, that's like the I actually love the Irvine improv but I did a set there once after having not done stand up for five years. Greg Barrett was like, come and open for me.

You have to get back up and start doing it at a place to get your feet way to get great.

And my material was all that kind of like there was really nothing to it because I was just like trying to trying to put material together, and so it was just like the timing was off. There was nothing actually funny happening. There was certainly nothing relatable happening because I was just talking about myself and at the end of my but I only had to do fifteen minutes, so I got through it. But at the end, a woman came up to me and she goes, well, I liked it, yeah the best, Like, yeah.

That's my favorite, bet or not I could do that's my favorite.

I'll make her feel better letting her know that one person was doing it.

It felt like no people liked what you just did, but one did.

Yeah, yeah, this place is coming up. I got to interrupt.

Oh the lighter or the comedy.

The club. You'll never even know there's a club there at all. It's up here on the right. Please let it be a launder mat. It's this great place right here. Really yeah, inside there, like wow, inside there.

Wow, really that's so weird.

Yeah, and then they're like, just for instance, some comic came out of there, had a bad set with the gate open.

Broke the gate.

He's banned two months, you're out two months. Oh no, it's just wild West for he had just gotten in. He just got two weeks from getting into a fistfight in the showroom. And yeah, when they saw him break the gate, that's two more.

Yeah.

That's the other thing that made me think of Austin. There was fights.

Yeah, there's fights.

Yeah, Chris, it.

Sounds like you're really really energy needs to show up at this.

No, I'm just getting this.

You'll get within three months.

I don't want to go back to really.

Yeah.

Really these two guys, uh, just talking through my set in Austin, and I had a drink on stage and I just threw it on their table. Whoa yeah and knocked over there.

Oh gosh, I mean years ago, Yeah, back back when I was your backup dnswer Oh yeah, like a long time ago.

The second time I broke my arm without noticing.

You gotta be careful. What what kind of a stool you do? The diving worm off of Hey, man.

You signed a release, didn't you?

I did? I did?

You know.

That's why I didn't sue because I'm quite litigious. It's coming down.

This stuff has been I mean, you guys expected it to be nice now by now, do you. Yeah, it's been raining for a month.

I know, and I've been. I've been, I've had snowboard fever. I really want to go. And I went to Mountain High a few days ago.

My friend was visiting, and we went up there and it was just like this, like it you think it's going to turn the snow, but it was pouring rain.

And there's these kids. They have like a sledding hill with a conveyor belt that brings you up with tubes. Yeah, and they're just in the rain.

What used to be several feet of snow according to their Instagram was just patches of dirt the rain, just just because it was five degrees too warm. And it was so sad to see all these families like visiting. It seemed like European families that just went up there to.

Make all the way over here to go to Mountain High.

I think, I yeah, they're like, let's go see our first snow and make a snowball, and because everyone showed up in snowsuits that they just got at like a second hand store.

And then they're just in the rain and it was blowing so hard.

I saw people like tipping over, and of course I laughed because when people fall it's funny, but it also was heartwarming.

I really, but it was coming down like this. It's like kind of scary.

I did the wrong thing. There?

Have you had two? You got away with it?

Yeah?

Have you guys had it? I mean, it just doesn't rain a lot when you do these right hard. Yeah, I got the rain episode.

Can you hear it?

Yeah, it'll be over.

That's very that's cool.

It's at Yeah, it adds an element, the pitter patter not of feet, but of drops.

Did you ever do stand up at that ramon Ann Howard?

Yeah, the story I remember the phost Is. It's a hotel and in the basement they have stand up, So I'm doing stand up there once. It was on Sunday nights and there was a woman there in a really shiny dress. I guess she was just someone who was

Oh no, she ran off because she was sad.

He looked like she's like seventh Oh no from the stage. Oh yeah. There was nothing I could do. I didn't know what was going on until she ran past me, crying to the elevator. The worst, best, worst best, Thanks for driving that.

Sure you can't handle it?

Holy shit? Hey do you gut? Should we go? I was this was just I was thinking if I had to have an errand to go to.

Uh Children's hospital or coffee?

Oh yeah, you know the Quentin Tarantino's new coffee shop.

Oh yeah, you want to go there?

I mean, it was just something stupid if we needed something to do.

Yeah, I'm gonna loop back around because if I change lanes right now, I'll kill us.

All Okay, well we made parking might be a pain in the ass, so well, let's check it out.

Okay, it's at least it's where have you been to his theater?

That's where it is. It's at the theater. They opened the coffee shop in front. It's like coffee, like the Pam Grier movie.

Coffee see O F F y and she's it's like her paintings in the window.

Right. Yeah, yeah, I gotta go there.

I heard.

It's really cool.

All the vintage you know, popcorn machines and all the costumes from its movies.

And the interior is gorgeous. It's like, oh yeah, it's an old art house theater. So it's like I can't remember if that's the one that has like it's an Egyptian theme.

Yeah, it looks kind of Egyptian.

Yeah, so good.

But they mostly just play foot movies there, right, I don't know. Yeah, I guess Napoleon.

What's there. It's like a movie that's up for like two days and then it's a new movie.

Oh I don't know.

Yeah, I know they're showing like old ones too, or I don't know if they're showing old ones.

Actually it's kind of like because yeah, he does the New Beverly too, so I think it's like what he likes and what they program.

Yeah, he shout out to Jared Grody, who I used to know to live in this neighborhood. Name from back in the day, one of the greats. Yeah.

He always was very complimentary if my art work, but it would he'd compliment it right after I got off stage, and I'd always want to say, what about my comedy, But he's a fan of my art While I was doing stand up, which I appreciate to this day.

Invite him over to watch you draw and then I'll go, you're really funny.

He's another person like doctor Drew or JK. Simmons, where he just had surprisingly big arm muscles.

Yeah, he had like four arms, like he had strung four arms.

Yeah, and he admitted to putting a lot of work into his arms.

Popeyes.

Yeah, because he's a gay man, that's what they care about.

Well.

He also a big fan of Spinach.

I loved you. He used to go to the Old Largo when he was in high school and like brought his friends and all that. He was the cutest.

Yeah.

He started early, Yeah he did.

That's why I always wanted his approval is because that's where I knew him from and all the Largo, the Largo Group.

I wanted so much to be accepted there.

Were you ever accepted?

Yes? To this day. I still perform there this day. This is that stuff.

Right now, we're by the Steve Allen Theater and one of the old stops for the comedy crawl.

Yeah, am I correct?

Yeah? Well we did at Barnstall on the one year anniversary. The cops came in SUVs and chased us out.

Oh yeah, I just worked for that one.

And that's when I was like, Okay, this thing needs to be on the move because we were doing it in one spot at that point, and I was like, maybe if we're on the move, then they won't care as much. We did it on the move for.

Were you doing it there?

In the tradition of comedy venues that had closed the first being meltdown and then that know what it was.

Is after the initial location at squad Well, they kicked us out of there, so we moved to Steve Allen, which was a comedy theater. It's also in berry Berry. Oh yes, the acting school in Barry. And then they kicked us out of there right before the first anniversary. So it was like, all right, we'll do it across the street at Barnesdale, and then the cops didn't like that, and then we put on the road.

Did you ever go upstairs?

Like sometimes backstage I noticed older old men, uh in polyester upstairs and they'd have like Roy Orbison medallions.

It was an atheist group run.

Yeah, I thought it was magicians. Say, is this the Magicians Union? No, it was an atheist group, and they were all sweet old men. They were like, we don't believe in God because apparently that was Steve Allen's thing outspoken, oh wowing.

But they were the sweetest old guys. They're just not They weren't wearing all black.

Because that place was called like the Center for Inquiry. Yes, that's he must have intended it to be a meeting for non denominational.

Yeah, and it just it made it seem so wholesome that it was like, Oh, I missed the grandpa I never had.

You never had grandpa's.

I did have a couple of grandpa's, but not the kind that you.

Miss I never met. Most of mine, they like died before I was born.

Yeah, I think with mine, they just weren't.

I was born in California, my Yeah, mom and dad wanted to move us back to Missoula where they grew up when I was like two years old because they thought, oh, the grandparents might want to be part of these kids.

So they wanted to help raising your cures.

Oh that's whatever. Yeah, but I never I never yeah, never was set.

They were never sided, were part of California, were born in.

It was Monterey pretty close to Karen Is Yeah, in the grand scheme of the world.

Yes, very close.

Easy days drive.

And a beautiful one.

Ageous it is.

Yeah, but I am glad I didn't grow up there because now I would be making glass sculptures of dolphins.

Horrifying.

Yeah, it's just not my scene. I love It's great to visit.

But if George Lopez has a how do you know Meianship wrote for TV lands George Lopez Show two seasons. Oh wow, yeah, like fifteen, twenty fifteen, and sixteen, and.

He invited you to his scation home.

Oh no, no, he just heard about it.

I get no way.

No, I haven't heard a lot of stories celebrating and being kind or anything.

But I do know that there is a wormhole you can go down on instagramm.

Or YouTube of George Lopez randomly approaching groups of kids skating and filming them like in support, like, let's see.

You land this.

Oh, I think it's great you guys out here in the streets. And then I found another one after that, he serially goes out with his phone and tries to motivate skateboarders by filming them, and they're like, that's George Lopez.

Wow, yeah, it's youtubable.

I got a theory he's trying to steal that market from Paul Rodriguez because Paulgez's son is a Skateboarder's right.

Yeah, He's like it's like he's trying to get in on the territory.

Look at it.

We've already got some flooding here.

Yes, whoa whoa that Yeah, Paulgez Junior and Senior. We're on The Daily Habit, a show I worked on because of you, Kramer. Oh yeah, you introduced me to everyone there and it became seven years of my life. And they he on the show like kind of apologized and got emotional for not being in Paul Rodriguez Junior's p Rod's life.

In the do you guys know what was his name? Chris the he dj' for Paul McCartney. Chris, Chris Holmes used to hang around comedy a lot. Oh you guys know him anyway, he lived right there in that purple house. But he was he was like a comedy producer and stuff.

And then uh, DJ for Paul McCart.

Yeah, Paul mccorney had a tour and said, I want you to mix up like Beetles songs and stuff before the tour. So he's like toured with McCartney. He told a story about a party at his house right there where there was like four o'clock in the morning. Everybody had left except one dude who wouldn't shut up, and it was Lars from Metallica. Maybe I forgot. We were teething in front of his house.

Is he still there? Not at ours? But Chris, Oh, I don't know.

I don't know what's flying deuces? I wonder.

Oh yeah, it was probably called World War two movie or something.

Oh yeah, yeah, it'll be an old yeah Cheech and Chong two and then tomorrow it'll be something else. We're here at the Vista Theater.

Are they really just doing one day two day movies? Oh?

Look at Pam's coffee's clothes. No really no, unless I mean it looks like it because there's a clothes sign.

Oh yeah, did Pam Greer enjoy coffee?

Or is it just like coffee? Brown was her character's name.

Oh see coffee in those movies?

Yeah?

Hey, watch that movie if you want to see the slowest end credits you've ever seen in your life. Really, yeah, like you have like time to read each name, like seventeen times.

You mean for Jackie Brown, No, for coffee? Oh really?

Yeah? Yeah, that's just on the other night I randomly saw I'm like, look at these credits.

My god, who were they're taking?

Forever?

Yeah?

I wonder who's in charge of that? Like do you get to set the pace of your own credits?

Probably because it was like, you know indie movies, Yeah, like you know exploitation movies.

I bet it was like, this is barely considered a feature because the run time is one twenty.

How do we add more credits credits?

Seven minute credits?

Yeah, that's what blooper reels are for.

I'm going to go, but I wonder if I can.

Well, let's it is a confusing intersection.

It's random, we're being scoff loss.

Also, one's the last time you've seen like this is I believe on sunset now nobody was coming from the other direction.

Yeah that was crazy. Yeah that's a five way stop too.

She just navigated the hilarious thing about the city that I'm still not used to.

People are crippled with fear when it comes to rain.

Yeah, they stay home for sure, for sure and making right on red. They just can't do it unless you remind them it's illegal, and then you have to honk.

Then you're the asshole.

It is a thing. Here's a crosser with great posture. Good job, man.

I want those boots.

Yeah, yeah, they're good boots.

Those are good for my home state that has some of the only text mechs in the city.

Chris, if you want to dip your chips in melted cheese homesteak? Are you tired of breakfast burritos and long for the smaller breakfast taco home state? It's a good commercial and multiple locations. I remember when it first opened. I went and the nice woman from Austin that runs that place was like, I hope it. Do you think tex mext will take off here? And I'm like, sure, who doesn't like you?

Who wouldn't? Yeah, and ready Mexican there.

Are multiple locations now printing money.

How about this? If you a place that counter, if you wouldn't, couldn't believe, is still open. It's the clubhouse that there, it's still there.

Yes, how would you need coffee? We could go right up here?

Sure, I mean yeah, so we just we'll get wet. Yeah, did you guys how to play quarters in the ring?

I gotta go to I want to go. I'm a little nervous.

Yeah, it's exciting.

It's been a while since I've gotten a post stage fight.

The club the clubhouse.

They love you there though. If you're funny, they give it up.

With fun and also it's improv and stand up right.

Yeah. They have a lot of weird specialty shows, like you know, like there's one called Jenga where it's like you gotta pull something out of the Djenga and then on it they have the topic. Oh I like that?

No, I know.

Yeah, a lot of those shows. It's like, I'd rather just be stand up. I don't, but they have to have four shows a night. Yeah, shoot, every night.

I don't want to do freeze tag or like give us a suggestion, and the two of us are gonna be in a kitchen. Yeah, no, I do like, okay, you have like my favorite show was that set list show where they would just project.

That shows amazing, the Great Moon War of you know, just.

Going that's great.

Having a topic projected is good because it'll make you stay on it.

Yeah, that's very true.

I think it's very important for the audience to see that topic come up when you do, and then they're in on.

It with you think we're talking about this and it wasn't my idea. We have to talk about it. Go with it.

Yeah, to favorite parking in here.

I think there's probably someone waiting in a car. But if they give us any.

Guff one are free.

Oh we'll be fine.

Oh yeah first or free if you validate.

Yeah, just say something nice about them.

So how does it?

So?

Go ahead?

Is okay?

Good?

Thank you?

Do you have someone hijack your podcast? Sometimes people come on and they blow format and it just sounds like they're talking.

To their people.

We're here with Howard, Hey, hey you got some here with Karen and Chris. It's a weird one. We're on the car.

Charge and they're recording with their own equipment.

Why doesn't make sense.

Yeah, it's like Byron Allen, you know, with with those junkets.

Oh yeah, because with fuel TV.

Uh.

I thought it was going to be my invention because it was free to go to these movie press junkins and they give you the tapes. You just have to somehow be an accredited you know. There was magazines in there and stuff that would people. And I was like, wait, could I just do this on my own? If I was able to get in here and they hand you the tapes, that's content.

And that's what he did. That's how I built his h and.

To look like they were coming to him.

Well, Howard, you just mentioned who Charted. You've had many podcasts. You've had podcasts for a long time. Are you still doing who Charted?

I don't Yeah, ye, yeah you are charted. Yeah. Chris was just on it.

Love to have you on, Love to come back?

Okay, what we're gonna do for ten years? Oh god, that's my my fault. I was intimidated because I wrote that book. Yeah, because I love We'll have you on for like a mile seven hundred's coming. You're want to be our special seven hundred. Okay, it will be in like a couple of months. Okay, I would love to have you on sooner, but I can't make seven hundred happen sooner.

Yeah.

No, you can't change the way chronological time works. I just can't.

Not in podcasting without a delure in.

But but you have Who Charted, But then you also have another podcast.

Yeah, we have Hood Charter. We count down the top five and music and movies with comedians each week. Also, there's a drop date duel. New albums come out every Friday. Did you know that Friday was the day? Now? It used to be Tuesday? Really anyway? Yeah, now it's Friday all albums, all albums, and I major albums. Sometimes one or two trickle in on Wednesday. But I make two battle each other every week brand new albums. They battle

Oh that's a great idea, And we've been.

Doing that for a while and people have made thousands listen to us. She's a master at it. She's the master on that show. And on the pupil nice and that one's good.

My favorite with the show, the QBC Style show, where you brought people on and they sold their old head.

To headshot shots. I did that at Meltout Comics until they closed it in twenty eighteen, and then we took the We started doing the stand up show in the back alley so we could still hang out.

Right.

It was around the headshot that I auctioned off had my blood on it because I cut my finger cutting with the paper cutter.

At Kinko's you had to cut your own headshots.

Yeah.

He was the only one had to make new ones.

Yeah.

Yeah, everyone else just had them laying around.

Oh here, they can have this fax machine too. Any other obsolete shit you want?

And Howard, do you have anything else to plug or that you want to say?

Go over to my social Howard Kremer H O W A R D K E M E R. You can see clips of all the stuff we've been talking about. I got a new rap album coming out this year, actually two of them, Yes, Dragon Boy Suage. Yes, two new albums this year.

How do you do two albums?

Well? I did one last year, but it wasn't finished so it's going to come out this year, and then I'm doing one this year year of the Dragon Dot Dot Voice Wade, and that's the second one.

Look for that stuff and yeah, make sure to put them out on a Friday, will you.

Yeah, and then you bottle yourself.

Yeah.

Pick up also a copy of State Sexy and Don't Get Murdered. It was the pleasant surprise.

I know you're talking to me.

You get it.

Pick it up in the office.

And how about this. If I had to have even the slightest criticism of the book, those book covers that they make that are like black and the newish, it's like a new trend. It's like you have to clean them, like the way you clean like a coffee table or something. You have to like spray something on the Yeah, it's like your hands gets on that.

Oh it's kind of a Matt finish.

Yeah, as long as it's not about my writing. I take that feedback.

Just like they did that.

If you did a part two of that day, like what happened that night when you guys were going to sleep, I would read it. I reread it.

I'll tell you this. My mom walked in the door. Oh, that might be in there because we would never clean the living room, and she'd call us from work to say clean the livery before I get there. We just wouldn't do it.

Yeah. Yeah, she came in, Yeah, disappointed. The one thing I told you guys to do, and you're like, I hadn't thought of it since she said it.

Yes, every night that would happen.

Thank you.

Great to see.

Yeah, do you mind if you just get out here and then we'll ridiculous. You've been listening This is That with Cream and you've been listening to do you need to write?

Ye?

This has been an Exactly Right production produced by Annalise Nelson.

Mixed by Edson Choi.

Our talent booker is Patrick Coottner.

Theme song by Karen Kilgarrett.

Artwork by Chris Fairbanks.

Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at dinar podcast That's d y nar Podcast.

For more information, go to exactly Rightmedia dot com.

Thank you, Oh You're welcome.