S4 - Ep. 24 - Karen & Chris

Are you leaving? I you want your way back home?

Either way, we want to be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim, and give us time and a terminal and gay we want to send you off inside. We wanna welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it. We scared her? Was it fine?

Malforn?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do your need ride?

Ride with Karen and Chris? Welcome to Do you need a ride? That says Chris.

Fairbanks, And this is Karen Kilgaroff.

It is the middle of the night, which is five o'clock pm.

Very spooky there. The sky is mid blue, dark blue gray clouds with a yellow horizon, like something that's happening over.

There, with a kiss of mauve.

I feel like there are times where I do a Jimmy Glick impression and I just realized it, and I'm going to try not to anymore.

Why I love Jimmy Glick and no.

One accused me of it, so I'm going to keep doing it.

Also, it's just it felt more like a It felt very It didn't feel like you were doing a Karen.

No, I'm not. You don't consciously.

I just happened to hear myself, which I rarely listen to myself, especially on this podcast. I find it unlistenable. Yeah, no, I'm kidding. I've listened, and I think we're great. Oh oh, I just heard.

My voice just then. It sounded a little glicky.

It was slightly glicky. I just think that Martin Short on that show figured out a way to be perfectly funny at a tempo that's not common.

Yeah, you can.

So you have to, like, as a comic, you have to be like, what's going on here? I have to figure it out.

Yeah.

And the one the main thing you can learn is you can insult someone as long as.

You have your fort And then he jumps up and puts his feet under him and puts his hand to this.

Yeah. It's uh, it's something to watch and we all.

Have it's it's of a time for sure, but oh my god, it just I think Martin Short is one of the funniest human beings.

Yeah, he really is. I watched Inner Space recently.

Oh that's a good movie, right, it's great.

It holds up. Yeah, and I think I already talked about it.

It's is that a Rob Reiner joint?

I think it is. It is a Rob Reiner joint. Yes, I guess, I'm I'm I'm pretty sure. But they when he's swimming around in quaid, they use actual footage. The background is not I thought when I watched it, I'm like, it's going to be grainy footage of the inside of a body. But no, they made models of like our heart and lungs and cells, and it's.

Just really cool as a miniature lover.

It's a it's a it's a mini feature, yes, really, But my point I was gonna. I realized something today is that we all say we hate daylight savings because of this time of year. But yes, actually daylight savings is what just ended. Right now, We're in normal time. It's supposed to be dark at five, So what are people complaining about?

Just the darkness? I think personal darkness, I think the darkness around us.

But if they got a lot of people get excited when the conversation of states giving up daylight savings time not doing it anymore. But actually that would just make it to where it was this all the time it's dark earlier.

Yes, they are. I feel like you're correct in that the phrasing and the terms they're using are incorrect when they say I don't like daylight savings, Yes you do. You don't like normal farm.

Time or these are people that don't like how light it is early and they don't haven't discovered, like I have blackout curtains.

You mean in the morning.

Yeah, like at a paper route hour, you get jostled awake by the sun.

I guess that's what, and then screws up your route for the day. Yeah, missing you miss miss Landry's house.

Yeah, and give her mister Weatherby's paper and oh, no sports section.

We've all been there.

So I guess I like daylight savings time. I've been talking bad about it because I didn't realize in my head I switched them.

You got the terms wrong.

I did, But I wonder there must be not interesting. But I think a lot of people.

I think it is though, because I think it's like a I think it's a social media shared mistake where everyone's referring to what we're in right now as daylight savings. Yeah, and that's incorrect.

This is the weather, that's the pits, but this is just life.

But also it's not whether it's just this, it's just a way we're all agreeing to your past time.

You're very right that the sunrising and setting is no type of weather.

I'm sorry to really one up you on that one. It felt good inside, but I do apologize.

Every sunrise I look out the window and say, it looks like we're going to get some weather.

All clear.

But I just made the.

Sun again, the sun coming up.

Yes, Oh maybe it's just all exhausting.

I mean, I think for sure it is. I think every single fucking way any person is trying to be right now is exhausting.

In another shower, I just showered yesterday. That kind of thing.

I'm supposed to shower every day when there are volcanoes going off in Iceland, Italy and now I think America.

Right. Plus, no one's snelling me.

It's just if you need it. Another it's just for.

My own comfort. I don't like having a sticky neck.

You mean the showering of the not showering, and.

Then when I don't shower, I get a sticky neck. And a character is that when I don't shower, I get a sticky neck. It's like a lighthearted Bruno Kirby.

Yeah, it's a it's a it's a convivial Bobby Slaton convivial. Yeah, I had to dig deep. That's why it took me five full seconds to think of that word.

So if he was like not the bulldog of comedy but the or Am I wrong about that?

No, you're correct?

Yeah, yeah, the only hatshot I've seen with a spiked dog collar.

Oh and there is his fist up in the shot.

I think, so maybe a fingerless love if I'm not mistaken.

Uh, you know. But I will say this about Bobby Slayton because he was a San Francisco headliner when I started comedy at San Francisco. Was very meaningful. He's very meaningful to me. He's a classic headliner. But also he did lots of like character work in movies and TV shows, and he's a fucking great actor.

If I showed you this headshot of old Bobby Slayton, people would go, oh that guy.

Yes, yeah, he's really good. Some of his comedy is, or maybe a lot of his comedy is kind of shitty to be shitty, right, but there's something to that. It's almost like he's like if Don Rickles were even meaner, right, which is you know, interesting, Yeah, it.

Is, it is, he's possibly meaner. I did do a show with him in Mill Valley. Oh yeah, and I was like, yikes, you can't say that. I don't think I've ever said that to Rickles.

I don't know.

Maybe it's a face thing, but I don't think I want to hug Don Rickles's face off.

Don have you seen that fucking clip where Don Rickles is giving de Niro shit while they're filming Casino. No, So here's a story. This is all TikTok once again, this TikTok corner. Rickles found out that de Niro worshiped him because he's like an old insult comic, like a Catskill style comic, and apparently that's de Niro's favorite thing.

And he had to study comedy because he was in the King of Comedy, that movie no one's really watched.

That's pretty good, that's right.

Yeah, So and he knows it, he respects it, but he's like, but that's also and they say this in this TikTok that when they're explaining it, it's or it might be from a documentary where they're all explaining it, but it was the New York way of like wisecracks on the street type of guys or the like the funniest guys. So then someone tells Don Rickles this, So then Don Rickles just won't stop giving de Niro shit,

Because I still am scared of that man because of cape fear. I don't even though he's got older, he scares me. I feel like he'll kill me.

He wants to kill you.

I think, yeah, I've heard you've heard this too.

It's gossipy, but it's true.

Oh, I guess I should stay in my apartment more.

I think we should do many more gossip kind of chunks of conversation on.

This podc Yeah, we should name names like de.

Niro is aggressive. That's just the Hollywood subtle.

But those are your words, not mine. I just leave you out.

Yeah, you're just like, no way, I'm not going to be a part of that. It's like, no. This is the point of gossiping is two people have to do it together and like doing it.

Yeah, I'm not wearing cement shoes in the bottom of the harbor.

He's not in the mafia. He's just played mafia.

Oh sure he's friendly with him though.

I'm sure they must love him so much. Look at that empty bed bath and beyond.

Oh, it's all beyond now. I uh, since I got my quint's sheets and I got some pillows from the old Ikea, I my pillows were embarrassing. Yeah, just coffee stains, because that's we sleep. Coffee comes out, are you?

Yeah, Brown, I don't know. I do believe.

I think that it's because I go to bed with a wet head Chris, But I don't know where their colors coming from. Are you telling me that when you take your pillow cases off, you're ten to twelve year old pillows, you don't have brown stains?

You know, we all do, We all do?

They're tan, sure, we all do.

Well.

I got rid of them, and I'm sleeping so much better now. These sheets oh sleek. Oh yeah, I'm afraid I'll get them dirty. I take a shower to go.

To bed because you want to be you want to rise to the level of your new sheets.

Yeah, well they're white.

Oh well, yeah, you better be careful, especially with all the brown coming out of.

It. Is it is, but it's all taken care of.

Now, okay, good? Yeah, Actually I.

Put coffee filters in my ears.

Yeah good. Oh I don't like it. I'm sorry, but it makes me think Tom Papa has that amazing joke where he goes, you ever take your pillowcase off. Your pillow looks like a Civil War bandage.

Oh yeah, that's great, it's so good. Yeah, that's better in my coffee line.

It's not a contest, it is, you know, I'm constantly in competition with the Papa.

With Papa, Oh yeah, Papa.

I am.

The algorithm has been sending me many animal video and I they were and monkeys.

I'm still old school.

I like little tiny monkeys doing things, picking at a thing, looking around as they play with something made for human and isotone or glove of band whatever. But I most recently it's interesting to think that animals have different, fully different personalities because they released this tiny gorilla into an adopted family, Like they took care of the gorilla, it's

Him out of the way.

Yeah.

And then another one was like, oh, that was mean, and so didn't want to hug him, but just kind of put his arms around him and patted him on the back. And then they were all running by him and he was trying to hug everyone because he was excited.

Somehow he knew, oh, this is my new family. I gotta be cool. I watched it over and over.

It's just or the squirrel, like I've seen squirrels that are like basically commit suicide in front of me, especially in Texas. So squirrels would leap in the street. It became a normal thing, especially in Texas. I don't know why. Squirrels were everywhere with their tails up, which means they were alert.

And then I've seen this, I know you've seen this.

The squirrel that's staging its own death and put a broomstick on his belly.

And pretends death.

Why because he gets caught in a kitchen and he feels like maybe they're going to use the broom just I don't.

Know what it is, or maybe it's a pet.

All I know is the squirrel lays flat and then doesn't think it's convincing enough and grabs a broomstick and lays it on his chest and then goes back to pretending to be.

Dead like it died in a broom accident.

And it is insane.

I can't.

I will send it to you. So there's there's I'm saying, there's smart squirrels, and then there's like high functioning anyone that's like pretending to be dead. I know possums do it, they're yeah, with the ability, that's right, But this squirrel was playing possum.

This but also like playing like yes, acting but laying totally still and flat.

I think it was one of those flying squirrels. That's why they were still flat.

Maybe it was a very smart flying squirrel, which I don't even think is a road.

No, I think it is because you know our friend Bradford, he had one in his house. I think they just have a little extra skin, flap of skin under their arms. But they seem like normal squirrels until they jump off something, and then.

We may have flying squirrels in Los Angeles.

No, No, he lives in Wisconsin. Sorry, sorry, we.

Have flying squirrels in Wisconsin.

Really, I mean I.

Really thought they were.

Uh that's a very like that. We is very You're including yourself.

Way Wait a minute, next time we go to Sheboygan, you and I we're gonna have flying squirrels.

And Boygan is in Michigan, isn't it Uhboygan, Wisconsin? Is it Wisconsin?

Yeah?

Yeah?

They make the cheese in a bucket with a little red squirrel on top.

Is that right?

I believe I want to have I want on Elise to tie break it. I have to say this. I love that we're wearing these matching sweatshirts. We haven't mentioned them. It's for a podcast. No one would ever know.

We're both wearing super sweet coffee and tattoo sweatshirts.

They're matching, they're matching. We're driving around it. I just realized it's our job.

We should have uniforms that match.

You're right, it feels good and fun. But I just realized, because there were kids yelling at us from that.

Car, there's no way that they saw.

They were making fun of us wearing matching sweatshirts. Well, what do they I mean, what do they care?

Yeah, we look professional.

This is what podcasting uniforms look like. Yeah, Sheboygan is indeed a city in Wisconsin. Oh, I'm so. I'm so sorry.

And the terrible thing is I knew I was right.

And you couldn't stand behind it. I was like, ah, you're probably right, you know, I caius. That's my personality. I'm kind of bossy that way, where I just I'm really good at convincing people things that they know aren't true when they are true, just to kind of have my real estate.

No.

I also, you're a knowledgeable person. That's why I believe you it's not the tone you're taking.

But I've told you time and again that I don't know American geography, what or presidents at all.

Neither do I. God, Taft was a good one.

The bathtub.

Oh is he a tough guy.

He's the tough guy.

See you know plenty well.

And the only reason I know that is because of a thing in exchange. Georgia and I had on a during a live show one time and I she said something about Taft and I went, ooh, Taft, and then we started laughing so hard. I was like, I had no idea why I did it. It was super weird. And then this listener, who is such a good artist, drew a picture that basically just had Taft in the bathtub with his leg straight up there, and underneath it just said ooh taft in like that fifties poodle curses.

Is this bathtub business?

He died in the bathtub, I believe.

Oh oh Elvis style.

I think Elvis died, yeah yeah, but in the bathroom.

Yes, he died a little bit in the tub. I think the ship was everywhere, So that's terrible. That's a really bad it is and.

Also it's like, but I did I was doing it again.

Everyone in Graceland stopped listening so mad at us.

Right now, I think Graceland closed.

I think it's in Wisconsin, I have I actually don't know much about. Is Graceland a town or is that just what he calls his house or they call it it was.

What they called their like a state.

Okay, yeah, it's in Memphis, is it?

I'm asuman, Yeah that's where he's from. I think, uh, it's it's or maybe it's Graceland.

Is the city, Yeah, it could be, it could be.

Why wouldn't they make it the city at this point?

I love stories about Elvis that my dad tells me where he would beat someone up with karate and feel bad and give them keys to a new Cadillac stuff like that. Really, yeah, he's always beating people up and being like, here's a.

Cadillac man because he was overreacting and he was admitting it yeah wow.

Yeah, or or he just had a weird way of giving gifts.

I mean, I know he was big into karate because it was the seventies.

Yeah, apparently he was a black belt I mean, that's nothing that sneeze happened.

Think if you're Elvis, they give it to you early.

Oh yeah, they're kind of kissing him. But it's like, you can't get a black belt and then do that to people, you know, isn't part of learning it that you have to be good person?

Right? Yeah? Because suddenly I legally your hands are weapons.

Yeah, you can't just be like, oh, I'm I'm upset. I mean to now karate chop fucking everybody.

The funny thing is, though all assault is illegal, true.

Yeah, whether you're trained or you're just kind of sloppy about it, you shouldn't do it.

Even if I limp wristedly did get a karate chop with a high pitched squeal, I would be treated the same as Elvis.

That's right.

In that situation, Well.

The effect could be different than Elvis is finely tuned karate chop.

Right right, Yeah, he puts his pelvis into it.

That Elvis.

Yep.

I felt like there was something about this flying squirrel animal video.

Yeah. I just kind of brought that up.

It was something I was so obvious when I have a planned topic.

And that was one. No, I'm not I want to talk about that squirrel.

It's not a confrontation.

I really thought, first of all, stop yelling at me. I really thought that you would know.

Of the squirrel, since you're a TikToker, right, I am a TikToker, But I've never seen that one.

I will look for it for sure. Yeah, you'll see it when I send it to you.

Yes, yes, please send it. But I guess the thing I was going to say is I have a theory, and this is gonna sound fucking crazy. Are you ready?

Yeah, I'm ready.

I think animals and human beings are becoming like they are starting to be able to communicate with each other, because I've seen some TikTok videos where dogs clearly understand English and basically are communicating directly with their owners. I'm not talking about those stupid like the button that they you train them I put. I don't like it. Yeah, I think it's creepy.

And I will watch it and be entertained and make sounds like I enjoy it.

But I don't like that dog with a cat on its back, and on that cat's back as a little mouse.

You don't like that, no, because you think it's fake.

It's beautiful to see it. I know it's real and it took years of abusive training.

Yes, that's right.

If you're screaming at a mouse after just having yelled at a cat that just after on the heels of screaming at a dog that's swallows to catch a spider, it's just too many. It's too much abuse. Like my sea animals doing tricks. I feel like that was done out of instilling fear and reinforcing with treats.

Yeah, sorry, agree.

But you think, wait, what's happening actual language, it's just a it's a rogue bus driver.

There ain't no kids on that nose.

That fire trus Oh should he helps solve another crime?

Somebody?

They're looking for a body.

They're looking in a ravine.

They're looking in a ravine with flashlights.

Oh So I don't know why I turned down the street because I kind of don't know where I am now.

Oh, I know where I.

Am on the grid basically, but I don't. I think I had a plan in my head and it was the wrong story.

And we're not off the grid. I think we're eventually going to find a coffee shop.

Yes, that's right here. Why don't we make this machine help us find the coffee shop?

Yes, think blank.

Now, will if we drink coffee that's late in the evening, will you get Sometimes my legs jiggle and I have to have some far aflu or something.

Calm it down.

Yeah, maybe we should get lemonade.

I know I'm going to get coffee because that's what I want.

Yeah, me too.

Well, let's just quit lying to each other about this lemonade business.

I had a strawberry lemonade from Del Taco the other night, and I swear to God, maybe it was just the like, oh, I'm supposed to turn right there. God, damn it.

Well that bus has that out for us.

Yeah, the bus is I want the bus to leave me alone. And it's hard to talk and kind of navigate all of this at the same time. But I never order strawberry lemonade, but it said on the Deltaco menu real strawberry lemonade, So I was like, that sounds like it could be really good. Yeah, if it's not super gross. And it was so good.

So what's their chunks of.

Strawberries in there?

Strawberries?

And they it was almost like they probably opened a bag of frozen strawberry. Sure, yeah, dumped them in a big vat.

I mean they're not organic.

No, it's not it some mom didn't chop them up for me personally, but it worked.

Wow.

I like the sound of it. I've become the sweetest of teeth. And I the other day I lost my mind because I rediscovered just straight up vanilla ice cream with cherries in it.

Oh, get out of fucking town.

Wait a second, I won't. I'm going to stay and ask you questions.

Oh my god, I couldn't a pint. I threw away the lid.

Now was that cherry Garcia?

No, it was it was the it was yeah, it was the what's the hagadas?

It was Okay.

It's not this crazy, Hey, Jimmy, fallon Mike's pretzels with caramelel or whatever you liked almost too much once and I only eat that chip too. Don't get me wrong, but this was I was feeling like, I want a real laid back flavor. Let me go with a classic that I don't recall every eating.

In my life.

Simply vanilla ice cream with cherries.

Yeah, I'm telling you. I was making noises, I was humming and stuff. Then God, know them.

Was around question did they look like Maraschino cherries or do they look like pitted cherries from I mean regular cherries from the groceries.

Yeah, these are sweet ass cherries. These are the kind you find in a Cosmo.

Got it?

Yeah?

And the magazine and I am the brand, And so it was Hoggenda's. Did they say they're doing a throwback flavor.

No, it was just like back of the freezer. No one's eating this. Hey, what do you think Fairbanks Isle?

Okay, well, since you ignored my animal esp concept, I'm gonna get thrown. I want to know.

I was gonna dive back in. I want to know how you think they're talking to us.

Okay, But before we get to that, I'm gonna say I think you might have bought a ghost pint. I think the pint of ice cream that you ate was from nineteen eighty one.

It did? It was?

I bought it out of nostalgia from a past life, because I said, in my life, I've never eaten it. Yeah, but I yearned for it and I remembered it and it was from back when I lived on a Victorian farm, and you were right, Yeah, and brought back memories for sure.

Uh okay, CATTYESP what I mean, animal a sp what do you think?

What evidence have you seen?

I guess it's both with both and dogs. But it's like, okay, So this one video I saw was a kitten, like a baby kitten, and it was it said, this is her first time trying wet food and the cat is eating. I'm going as they're eating, and it's the cutest thing in the world. And then as.

The cat so the cat's basically going like, holy shit, what is It's so good?

I'm freaking out. I can't believe this is so delicious. Dude, never give me that dry shit again. But whatever. And then when the cat turns around and goes and I immediately was like that kind is saying thank you.

Oh yeah.

And then but the people were just filming it, so they were like do you like that or whatever? And then the cat comes over and is like trying, and it's like, pick that cat up. It wants to thank you, it wants to hug you, like it's so happy you gave it that. And maybe I'm just losing my mind, but I believed I was right. When I was looking at that cat, I was like I felt like I was interpreting the cat's intention.

Yeah, I think some are. And that's what my point is. Some are just regular cats or dogs. Other ones are have evolved kind of like we are. You know, our hands and feet are getting more webbed, and we're evolving as humans.

I'm a better swimmer every year.

Yeah, there might be holes in that theory, but I do think that's Have you seen the one where there's three dogs lined up and they're like, who did this?

Who did this mess? Who made this mess?

And they're all looking down guilty, and then one dog reaches over past the little dog in the middle and just puts his paw and the other dog and that dog gets pissed and just rubs his nose in his face.

Like fuck you, he showed me out.

It is the most and they're not making a noise, but it's so clear.

And do you think they were trained into doing that? Do you they real?

No?

Because they were in trouble. They you could tell by their faces. The dogs can't act that way, like act.

Guilty like you've done something bad.

Oh that's true.

I suppose they could if you if you abuse them enough.

Or if you tied a little very What did you see that? No, that guy was doing a Papa wheelie up the way down the street with control, with and also not going round.

Yeah. I used to think it was reckless.

Now I see people riding wheelies, especially in my neighborhood so much like it'll be like fifteen kids on dirt bikes and they just we ride wheelies and they're so controlled that it's it doesn't even scare me anymore.

I used to think it was insane. You stop, and I.

Would think it was I would think it was insane. But that guy was great. Yeah, he handled shit.

Yeah, it's it is a new is this? Oh it does have a drive through it.

It does. Love everyone's so convenient modern convenience.

Today's We got a fifty dollars coffee.

Oh, thank you so much.

From our friend. It would come via email, so it's very official. Patricia curly carely k e er not curly like mo and carey.

Carey, Patricia, thank you so much. Was that's a big one. That's big, and that's generous and nice.

Yeah, it is very nice.

And we appreciate you caring enough to listen in the first place, but then to give a gift.

Well, I think they've seen that once we get hopped up on caffeine, the.

Episodes get better than Yeah. Yeah, it's an investment. I'm very excited about.

This just smells. Thank you, and can we have a couple of napkins? Thanks so much? Did you want yours hot?

It's okay, no, okay, I think that what I've ordered is basically a tiny piece of cheesecake, so you want it cold?

And uh, we're doing what everyone hates. We're all. I took a bite and I might not continue.

I just am going to take one boat.

Of course, if you could bear with us, audience, we're just taking a couple.

Bites only, can you just put in a light keyboard sound while I try this?

Yeah?

Okay, thank you.

Yeah.

No one should be forced to listen to other people eat on my but yeah.

Oh shit, oh shit, that's some good stuff. At least we're not pulling over split in a box of donuts.

We're continuing to drive and eating our own donuts.

Wow, yeah, I get it.

I get it, Sugar, I love you, Sugar, you every time. But also, you know, questionable about drinking coffee this late. It's not look it's six pm. It's not crazy late. It feels like it's nine.

And I'm someone that can have a giant coffee and immediately have a nap. It just doesn't keep me from sleeping.

But what a true treat to go get the usual coffee and they'd be like, you know what I'm doing. I'm going to eat that insane pastry. That's only for a treat, right.

It's like a long time ago when I was opening for Larry the Cable Guy. He and his audience was screaming and yelling and they were all drunk, and he said, he said, I wrote this joke about birthday cake, and now it shouldn't have to be your birthday. You should be able to eat birthday cake whenever you want. But I don't think my audience will like it. Will you do the joke?

Oh?

So I can see how it does. And I'm like, yeah, I'll do that birthday cake joke.

How to go?

I It went.

Okay, it would just it was a throwaway moment and I'm not giving the whole joke.

I'm not doing it justice. I can't remember the twist.

There was some sort of an act out, I think, but he was very thankful.

Do you know that my old boss. Her dad was a lawyer at a TV network, I can't remember which one, and every day after he ate his lunch, he ate a piece of cake. Then he got at the commissary and people constantly said happy birthday or asked him what the special occasion Wasn't he just had a piece of cake every day?

Wow?

Isn't that the best?

Yeah?

I guess that that's okay, it is. I used to think it was crazy when at the end of eating meal there like did you leave room for this area? No, it's the last thing I want, And now I get it.

It just I took.

Wunderham. I never would get desserted. I do overeat when it's the entree, so I'm full. I'm never lying like, oh I shouldn't. I just never craved it, and now I do. Now I do get deserted. I do look at that excram menu that will make you come out with a large plate and showcase what you.

Have wheel that cart by me. I'm really sorry I continue to eat that Danish. I couldn't help it.

Yeah, I mean, it's sitting here burning a hole in my crotch. It's like.

I really want to bite this thing. It's just sitting there. It's also a hazard. It could fall on the floor and they'll be covered with hair. But no, you got you got your car detailed. There's so many reasons I shouldn't throw cake on the floor this time.

I mean, this is the time to not do it, right.

I'm just saying if I did, there wouldn't be dog hair on That's right.

You could eat. You could pick it back up and then eat eat off. You could eat off the floor of this car.

Not when anyone ever says I'm getting my car detailed, I always just think of pulp fiction and that you had to do it because there was.

A murder in the back.

Did they get there's detailed after they went through that.

Yeah. Yeah, that's why they called Harvey Kaitel.

Really he's a detailer. Yeah, he was the cleaner. Oh wasn't he called the fixer?

I don't know that wolves very well. He was. He was the fixer calling the wolf.

Yeah yeah, I think he had a lot of nicknames in it.

And and he he showed up and they said, okay, first of all, we're gonna need some towels. All of it was just basic cleaning knowledge. Yeah, that's what he did. That was his role in the movie. He cleaned up the back seat and he didn't even do it. He said, I need you to get all those hitty bitty pizzas of brain and skull and clean them up. And you

Well, yeah, because he can't be the cleaner if you don't tell other people how they need to clean their thing, if they hired you as a cleaner, or maybe they mean that in like a a kind of mafia way, Yes, mafia way.

That's how he was a cleaner.

Like how Michael Clayton is is the what do they call it, the the what guy? The cleanup guy or whatever. There's a phrase for it.

Yeah, and it usually means, you know, literally a mess. But in this case, and maybe that was a joke that everyone laughed about when they were reading the script, he's actually cleaning. He's telling them, he's dictating, right, I don't know.

So it was like, oh, get it. It's literal.

Yeah, do you get it? Do you get the funny joke.

But I always if someone says they detailed their car, I'm like, okay, murderer, that's what I think.

I wasn't thinking that about you.

Well you already accuse me of that though, so well it's too late.

You do wear a lot of black.

Goth murders the time on the show where we cough and control.

I mean, this is probably censorially for the listener, one of the worst shows we've ever done.

Yeah, I know, and I agree with that. But the last time we did a solo, we were knocking it out of the park.

We're not machines, okay, I mean our ability undulates.

Like the Rising Seas or a New Muffin. There would be no Leftover's Thanksgiving and there's a guy with an axe. That's a new movie coming out. Ladies and gentlemen.

Oh yeah, I have saying that on the sides of buses.

Thanksgiving horror movie.

I'll watch it. I love horror.

Horror.

I love horror horror. I do.

But yeah, it's okay that we're having a let We weren't prepared for this. We had we had a we had a guest cancelation, So it's it's good we're doing a solo episode and everything. You know, I think besides all the prep I usually put in, I yeah, time.

You didn't do your vocal exercises. You don't stretch me.

Me, me me.

But I do think we're being a plus funny, so I'm not worried about that. I just felt bad because I was like, I literally with absolute disdain for the listener, was like, oh, I'm eating this fucking Danish.

Yeah, distain on behalf of the listen. We don't have to distain for our listeners.

Well, I feel like though it would be easy for a listener to interpret disdain from how rude that was exactly is my Yes, my apologies for that.

I'm making up for it by having this wedge of cheesecake and rest on my chinos.

Look at it there, just sit just riding that plate.

I thought it was I thought that was a scone.

No, I didn't know what I was getting.

I just saw cranberry and it was triangular shaped.

But I have gotten a piece of cake.

Oh pretty good.

Oh it's really good. I actually took another bite.

Guys, you have to forgive our coping mechanisms. It's very dark outside. That's scary. Everything else is scary.

I stop drinking.

Chris has a sweet like mouthful of teeth.

I can't help it.

He can't help it, and he shouldn't have to help it. Right, he's adjusting. Everything's fine.

I mean, if you don't want me to eat into the microphone, you might as well just push me off the wagon.

That's right.

It will be your fault if Chris starts drinking again, because you hate so much to listen to people's smack food.

And I have to have candy Well re record in lieu of the VOD because I used to sit and nobody knew about it, including Karen.

In the car.

Oh, it's just my juice. Why do you think I always had juice that was.

Kind of pale, the weird pale juice in a cup.

M M. I had a real problem, Chris.

Please don't bring that cup in the car. What I want, he would say.

The problem is you can hear me getting all hyped up when I eat sweets.

Now I want to get in a fucking fight. No, hey, what are you looking at? No?

No, no, no, no, he's nice, not unless he's nice.

Oh he's nice. I didn't expect that. No, I learned my lesson.

Did you sorry? And I know I've asked you this before. Did you ever know or meet my old friend Danny Sebios who was in the comedy hang World, but he didn't do stand up. He was like a writer and a.

I think no.

I think actually if I saw a picture him, I would maybe know him. Yeah, I think you would, but I think more I've gotten to know him through your stories.

He has all.

Is it Daniel Frank?

Do you remember this Daniel Frank?

That was a comic scene guy. I think he used to do comedy.

No, Danny Sebios had prematurely gray hair, but then he was other than that, a very very hip kind of hipster. He wore very cool clothes, and he had great taste and he had great taste of music. Okay, he one time though, because we would drink to excess and that was he was one of my favorite people to drink

Yeah, it is.

That story proves that comedy is all about timing. Yes, no, you have good time. You have the best timing who me, Yeah, But you can't do other people's jokes because they have their timing.

Well, right, You can't reenact a moment that killed you because most of it is you're drunk and you're like twenty seven, you're scared shitless, like you're overdrawn in your bank account again, you're fucking like everything is. You're running from the reality of in every way, and you're just trying to look for like a golden moment. And then they happen.

In the Jack of the Box drive through, I recall a time at a Jack and the bugs drive through. Let's tell these stories. They've been sitting here for a long time. This is a long time ago. But I had just done comedy at the Saddle Ranch. Oh, they used to have a comedy night there. They would not turn off the electronic bowl.

Why would they?

No, No, that brought in more tips than the comedy did.

But afterwards I went with the guy that booked the show and his his his jeep had a glitch where the horn was just honking intermittently, but as we started driving, it would stop and you'd kind of forget about it. But when he slowed down it would go beepe And we went into the drive through and in front of.

Us were two cops.

Both of us had had I think he had had drinks as well as me, but we were just in a beeping We were honking at the cops front, and they kept looking back like they just became people that were annoyed. I couldn't believe. And we were just waving and smiling like it's the car. I don't know why they didn't get out and and uh, you know, have their.

Way with us.

Yeah, I mean, we're sorry. They were in the Jack in the Box drive through. They were in a trooper's cruiser, so maybe they were like, oh, if they're being if they're making fun of us, there's nothing we can do about it, I.

Guess, but there totally is they can do whatever they want.

I mean, and yes and do it was it was I just recalled it.

Now, what a what a terrible situation to suddenly be in, And we just couldn't stop laughing because there's nothing we can do about it. We couldn't back up and lin if there's a car behind us, I guess we're just gonna annoyingly hunk at the cops.

Yeah, and then try to explain it. That happened. One time, my dad had this old white truck that was embarrassing anyway, and he drove us to high school one morning and on the drive, the horn got stuck and we're like Dad, Like, as we were getting closer, we're like, no, you can't do it. And he drove us all the way in like cause we were like, please drop us off on the corner. He's like, nope, you're going in, and like so.

Because he thought it was money, oh yeah, yeah.

And he was like, eh, it was like kind of doing it. That's that same way. It was, so.

Yeah, like on an old truck where a horny is actually a button that can totally get stuck because it's.

Filled with old skin cells.

I'm sorry, I can't get yellow business. It's but nowadays, you know, everything's we're just in it. Right now, we're driving around in an iPod. Yeah right, something a better reference anymore? Please be interrupting with a better example than iPod.

I'm embarrassed.

Well, actually, the most.

Technical thing I could think of, and it's been obsolete for over a decade. Oh, this fancy new car, it's like driving around in a Commodore.

Sixty flower radio. It's insane in here.

Yeah, boy, this this technology, it's like floating along a ham radio.

H oh.

Look at their going full on wintertime.

Okay, yeah, I'm not above enjoying Christmas lights.

Hell, yes, it's I'm ready for it right this second.

Yeah me too.

That looks really pretty.

I might make a cornicopia this year for Thanksgiving. Yeah, and buckled shoes.

I just didn't have Halloween, so I want to dress up. You know what you can do my system.

And it's pumpkin bass.

Yeah, do it, do it, and fill the cornucopia with your vanilla cherry ice cream. Just let it.

Float out, let it melt in there.

And then shove a Gordon there.

Yeah, if you think it's a good idea. I'll do it. I do.

I do.

Wonder where would I get one of.

Those twisty baskets, one of those cone that's the cornicopia?

Yeah, where do you get those? I never see them on sale.

Thrift store, your grandmother's house, an old person's right.

Yeah, you kind of just have to stumble upon them. Someone has to.

Pass because that's like saying, where do you get a mid sized white wicker basket where it's like, yeah, at your mom's house. There's like the moms have bought all of those.

Karen, where do you in town?

Do you think I would go purchase a ball of dusty potpourry.

Home goods? Actually you might be able to get a cornicopeat wormut worm Goods.

I really appreciated it.

The other day I was going, I had my keys tasseled to my belt loop.

You know I do.

I basically am like a janitor. Now, yes, I hook them with a carabiner.

Very cool.

Yeah, I let them dangle. I want people to think I'm in charge of a building. I want them to think I'm a super Yeah.

Everybody loves power.

So yeah, I want to wheeld the power of a building.

Cleaner power of keys.

But I have to lunge my hips towards my padlock on my on my garage, there's just a classic padlock on there, so it looks shifty, it looks shady when I'm like, it looks like I'm hiding something.

Mm hmm.

And uh my neighbor, a neighbor, a neighbor, I don't I've never seen them before.

They're like, excuse me, do you live here?

And I was like I do, and he's like, oh, okay, just checking and I was like thank you. Like he was like ready to fight whoever was breaking into a garage.

Yeah, that's cool.

And I didn't quite register until he was long gone. He just he just walked into a mist and kind of dissipated.

That was a ghost.

It was another ghost.

It's ghost. And he was like, would you like some of this delicious ice cream? Like sure?

Cut to me just holding nothing is just pouring a canteen of sand in.

My mouth, delicious.

I love sugar. Everything's fine.

Everything was fine these days. Nothing's terrible. No, yeah, sweet sweet sand.

It's fine.

Everything is fine. It's gonna be great.

We're back at your house.

We're back.

Not only was this episode short? It was sweet?

Was it short? I think right on time?

Really?

One hour boom?

I guess you know classically that meant we were having fun.

That's right, because by so so quickly.

Yeah, well I had a great time with you brand. I'm glad we dressed let's say, even though we couldn't show it off to anyone, I.

Feel like the good good people kids at Super Sweet. The sweatshirts were wearing. Also the theme of this episode, hm, right, yeah, kind of thematic.

Yeah, we always pulled full circle and we don't even mean to this.

I like this sweatshirt a lot, biggating tattooed. Just keep upping the game. How much do we have to interact with this brand?

I just I just keep bringing That's how thankful I am.

I mean, that's all it takes with this guy. Yeah, he likes his own name on a chalkboard in a business in Echo Park. What can you do for him?

It is staggering how much that?

That really punched me right in the old heart strings, right in the old I love sack.

Wait, well then can I tell my can I tell my closer story?

Yeah?

And I know you know the story, And I know I've told it already.

Is this a closer story like a guy that finishes financial deals or a story that will end this podcast?

It's going to end this podcast forever.

I kind of knew the answer.

This is the end of the podcast.

What this is terrible? Do I sign a new contract? I'm going to miss everyone.

I walked in. I was on the road doing colleges in like nineteen I was still drinking, so it was like nineteen ninety six and I was in upstate New York driving a rental car by myself, I think.

So I had a college in Ithaca.

It was wonderful going but basically by myself. I had twenty minutes material at an hour to do. I was eating it and then progressively getting a little bit better as it went. But it was really awful. And so I'm on like the third college or the third hotel, feeling like a failure, feeling unfunny as hell. I walk in and there's a little one of those boards that are now very popular with like young mothers to put in their kitchen. That's like it's black felt when you

Yeah, yeah, they're a classic board.

One of the one of those larger size Marquee boards is in the lobby of this hotel and it says welcome, guest of the day Karen Kilgera. As I'm walking in and I'm like, holy fuck, I'm so let's say it is Ithaca. I'm like, I've just pulled into this, like Marriotte in Ithaca and my name's on the board and I'm.

Like a hotel. I didn't that didn't register. It wasn't at the school.

Yes'm I'm walking up to the to the front desk to check in.

Oh, this was a small town.

And it says welcome Karen Kilgarriff, guest of the day.

And when a hotel does that.

So I walk up to the front desk to the girl and I go, oh, my god, Hi, it's me. I'm Karen Kilgarriff and she goes, oh, they just do that with whoever.

Wait, she took it away.

So immediately she didn't she didn't even look up from what she was working on. I was I was acting like I'd just been crowned Miss America and I'm like, it's me, it's arter and she's just like, oh, Yeah, they just do that. They pick someone randomly, randomly immediately shut it down. It was so fucking funny and it was so perfect to what the like it was.

I refuse to believe her.

I think that it said, Okay, one of the rooms is being calmped, there's a comedian in town.

That's our premiere guest.

No. I think I was overdoing it, and she was basically like, hey, don't get to like she shut her down, And what I should have said to her is, don't wor I've been eating at Royal at every college. I'm doing nowoners, lady, you don't need to bring me down any further than a person with no material doing nooners at a college and Upstate New York.

I suck boo, who you're doing nooners? I'm getting off of a graveyard. Where's my marquise?

She was just jealous.

She might have been jealous because actually, college is even if you eat it at a college gig, you get paid really nicely.

Yeah, if it's through the uh naka yeah, which I never did mind Roy's non union.

I's a real college scab.

Shit, yeah you scab.

Yeah, you could still do college circuits underground.

The school didn't even know about me being there.

Yeah, that that old guys in the cafeteria again. Yeah, go get the old security guard to get rid of it.

Keeps going down to the quad and barking and flying. I guess let him perform.

He keeps selling Hackey sack at people. We don't know what that is. We don't know what it means.

It is regional. A lot of people call it footbag up in Ithaca. Oh well, Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Hey, Happy holidays and New Year.

You've been listening to do you need a rut? Heyd Ryan?

This has been an Exactly Right production produced by Annalise Nelson, mixed by Edson Choi. Our talent booker is Patrick Cootner.

Theme song by Karen Kilgareth.

Artwork by Chris Fairbanks. Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at dinar podcast That's d y n Ar Podcast.

For more information, go to exactly Rightmedia dot com.

Thank you, Oh You're welcome.