S4 - Ep. 21 - Brandie Posey Pt. 1

Are you leave then? I you wanta way back home?

Either way we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a turmanol.

And gay ad.

We want to send you off inside.

We wanna welcome you back home. Tell us all about it. We scared?

Or was it fine?

Malforn?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do your need to ride.

With Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need a ride? This is Chris Fairbanks and this is Karen Kilgarath. We're on the road with fresh clean windows.

Oh my god, Chris just busted ass cleaning these windows.

That's the most labor I've done in weeks.

Are you exhausted?

My back, my neck, my crack, all of them, all, the all of my nooks, everything. I'm sweaty. You used it all my Yeah, I can feel it, but I'm I'm glad I did it and then too. The wipers Are the wipers the problem? It seems like the wipers added dirt.

Nothing's hoping.

Yes, for sure.

I have a very hands off approach to almost every element of my life. And it shows. And this is just one where you know, I leave my car parked outside in the driveway and then different things happen to it, like dust and sap and different things, and it creates a problem that I don't think about until the next time I get in the car.

I feel like my problems with the spotting on my car, I'm just gonna call it spotting.

I mean something else to girls.

But yes, yes, it started when I'm thirteen, ry early, when I was driving all this spotting and it's something is dripping from my roof and it is a roof of a garage made of a cement foundation, so there's not a lot I can do.

Oh yeah, that's kind of a pain.

So it's old residue and dirt from the nineteen thirties locked into that cement leaking down on like ghost it's it's ghostly.

Spots onto your windshield.

Yes, just historic. There's a history there.

There's pieces of Ala Fera Street are in there.

Yes, early early, the people that first built downtown Los Angeles. They're sweat and tears, Yeah, covering my car.

That must you have to get that off there.

Yeah, yeah, it's probably bad for the paint.

But also that's the when something gets onto your windshield. It's the last thing you're prepared to deal with when you got into your car, unless you thought about it beforehand. Of course I never do, and brought it out with you because you're now out of the house, usually kind of far away from where your supplies would be.

Right.

Uh, maybe this is an argument for building a little shelf in the garage with stuff on it that could fix that. Do you already have that?

I do?

Did you build it yourself?

I do? I did build it myself. It is not weight bearing at all. I used the wrong L shaped arm shelve.

So you only have very light paper towels on there.

Yes, I have one bottle of rainax and some break fluid that are making that's making it sag, so I can't add to anything else.

Just how about a very light sign that says do not use Yes? That could help.

Do not step here? Yes the way, Oh, there's a sign. There's a part of an airplane wing that you really are not supposed to stand on the rest of it. Do a clog dance if you want, but do not step here, not near the rudder. No, please, yeah, my, my whole I didn't. I didn't do a lot of research when I ordered my shelving. I got it from the dollar store. And that sounds like a joke, but they had a lot of Hey, did you just move

They said it's too cheap and easy for Chris.

Yeah, so I don't. I don't take care of my car either. I'm also hands off.

I mean, I think in Los Angeles after a while, because there is so much Hey, listener, let us know if this is the most boring conversation we've ever had, we'd love to hear it.

And that second from me too. And then I want you to start pointing fingers.

Well, and don't point until I make this point.

What the thing I was about to say, Yeah, you know, we redeem it after five minutes.

We are creating the fodder upon which we improv Yes, But I was going to say, in Los Angeles, there is a layer of dust on your car every morning when it is not dusty, because that's the level of kind of like air pollution and shit that's always floating around where you can wash your car, and like, if you're black, you will see dust the next day. Yeah, so everything feels a little bit pointless, and I think it after a while people are just like, really, who cares?

Yeah, And if you're in your car, at least you're being protected by this smog dust. Stay in your cars. It's the only place safe to protect your lung.

True.

Sure, it's also the problem causer. It's a real chicken and egg thing.

Well, but here's the problem finisher.

Mm hmm.

Get into your car, Get back in your car. There's a ninety night Sun store for you.

Yeah, I bet see. They They mostly have can goods at those ones. This was an independent Oh yeah, Are you a blue collar type guy? Do you do a lot of the occasional laboring? Do you clean windows for friends? That? That was the place by my house?

Huh?

Yeah. There wasn't a lot of food food food.

Would you say to get food?

I tete a lot of cuisine from other lands, and I say food food. And also sometimes I leave my windows dirty because it's a butterfly and it got squished and I want to keep it there in memoriam, like an open casket.

Now, how long would you mourn a butterfly on your windshield? Would you? Would that be a day?

Three weeks, monarch, six weeks? And a moth? I still even people apparently moths are ugly. Ooh, they're gross. It's like a pigeon's compared to doves. They're the same.

Not true.

I love a good moth. Absolutely, I see one, I'm like, enjoy my sweaters. You deserve it. Yeah, eat a hole, eat a hole in my pocket.

It is weird. The first time I had moths and started realizing that that's the reason I was starting to get holes in my sweaters and sometimes expensive like a cashmere sweater, where it's like, wait what, I can't wear this right now? And then it's like to finally trace it back and be like, oh, that's not a cartoon, right, That's really a thing you should try to prevent. It's the weirdest experience.

I really did. It's funny, as said cartoons, I really thought moths only eight cartoon sweaters. Yeah, they are alive and well, and they're in this plane of.

Existence, and I think if you get because this is also the part of this whatever show we're doing now where this is the conversation we have. You can get like cedar chips and put them in your closet or place whatever your spaces that has moths, and the cedar chips will make them leave you alone.

Yeah, and we all know mothballs are just a little that. It's a punchline at this point. It's the smell of an old person.

Yes, And also the smell is so bad it's kind of like I'd rather have a hole in my sweater.

Yeah.

That have people avoiding me right and being like I can't be called grandma again.

It hurts me even more than it hurts you. I am, I have some pretty exciting news.

Oh I've you know, but you're like, let's get all the dust chit chat out of the way.

Yes, mos are fuzzy. Butterflies in conclusion, memorialize their deaths, especially when you're the car murderer. Next subject, I have a menu item named after me?

What?

Yeah? Where super sweet tattoo. I've never had coffee there because I thought, oh, you have to be getting a tattoo. I'm wrong. Okay, it's a coffee shop right by my house and they have a lemon cold brew drink now called the Fairbanks. But this is one that I think I was gonna get one for you, but I didn't have a little cooler. I just put some ice packs in there cooler. I'm like, won't that be fine if

It was just a newspaper. But there is a cop up ahead that's doing that thing where they drive back and forth so we can't go faster than.

Oh that's I will never understand what that is.

It's them slowing the traffic down because there's something ahead that they need to make sure everyone isn't just barreling into it.

Well, it's absolutely horrifying when, like me, you used to go do comedy and have a few drinks and then you're driving home at two in the morning, even though you know your blood alcohol level is at a legal limit. You probably shouldn't be in the car, and then all of a sudden they're going back and forth, and all these guilty, scared people are just driving timidly behind them, like.

Yep, I can adjust down to forty five. That's no big deal to my drunken brain.

But if it's a traffic thing, why do they do it at two in the morning. That's why I understand.

It isn't always a traffic thing. Sometimes it's because there's an accident, or like one time, it was because for us, I think there's another piece of paper.

Are you sure that policeman isn't throwing newspapers? I think it's a hijacked car, and that's just someone wildly yelling print is dead. It's what it is.

And this is the funniest thing about Los Angeles are a really good one. The reason he's doing it like that is because if he doesn't do it like that, people will try to pass him, because this is Los Angeles, somewhere on the one thirty four. Wow, so he is listener, We've got a highway patrolman in an suv doing a serpentine. That is so the s's are so sharp, yeah, that it looks like he's trying to act crazy.

He's turning and almost coming back the same direction. Yeah.

Times, he needs to know that we're all in this same page that we have to right now. We're going fourteen miles an hour, Yeah, on the one thirty four, which is unprecedented, never happens. Yeah, but something is ahead that He's like, we can't just have all these people driving into this mess.

I also, don't you think, though, he's just having fun right now? Put me thinks he's just.

Giggling aside from the shape of the fun.

Well he did it. Now it's well, none, we have a vehicle coming ahead. He From what I understand, a car is coming this way.

No, is a high speed chase.

I hope it's a high speed chase on the right side of the road. Not that I don't want. I don't want anyone to get hurt.

I certainly don't want us to fucking get hurt. Oh wait, sorry, I'm gonna roll this window back up.

I really think he said we have a vehicle coming up this way.

I hope he goes up and takes the hit for us, because I don't want to just be sitting here.

Well, there's several cars in front of us. Don't worry, they'll get it.

Well, I'm leaving a at least two car in front of me and the tesla ahead of us.

I guess now I'll pray. Please Lord, let the other cars get hurt before us. How about that's all most people?

Please? Lord. It's me Chris Fairbanks from trampoline camp or whatever it was called. I might be combining a couple of year childhood stories.

No, well, you've created a childhood I wish existed trampoline camp. I'll go there tomorrow.

There is one you can go to that's like a trampoline place where all the floors are trampolines and you just go and do that all day.

Dear sweet baby Lord, if I make it through this oncoming car, please let me go to adult trampoline.

Camp as a reward for surviving this oncoming car situation.

Yes, I will deserve a reward. Well, I guess we're waiting. We are waiting for I mean, this happened the other day. I was watching the news. It was a hilarious. Another announcement.

I heard something.

Oh there was a wrecked car. It is not a car coming our way. Oh see, because the windows were up. I didn't quite hear. Okay, that was almost a very exciting episode of do you need it?

I was legit scared when I thought a car was coming this way. I was like, if we just get into sitting here get smashed into, I'm gonna get really upset.

Yeah, well you do want to switch up cars this? Oh yeah, uh yeah, there was just a car wrecked. I guess they just plucked a car up and now we're all just driving in memoriam of that car.

Why is everything in memoriam?

I don't know. It seems like a slow funeral cavalcade.

Here's a here's a third. Oh, there's the tow truck. I see. Oh, here's the other memoriam. On my way home from the getting my teeth clean on Monday, I believe driving down Ventura Boulevard right by Laurel Canyon, like you know, the big crop intersection.

Sure, there was a car flip though, like on its back like a turtle.

Yes, so some kind of accident where the car was going fast enough where it hit something and flipped and I came upon it. There was people outside, there's people around, but there was no services yet. And I watched the driver get out of the driver's side of an upside down car on ventor.

You were the first responder? Or did your training kick in your father's training?

No, because I was actually like the fifth responder, and the fifth responder just gets to go home with like a clean conscience, because what am I going to do that's any more than what those people?

Yeah, what I usually do is fumble with my phone until I spot someone else that's already on their phone, and then I'm like, well, I did a good deed today.

They don't need fifteen nine one one calls. No fact, that doesn't help at all.

Do not flood the dispatch center please with your calls.

In memoriam of the dispatcher.

Oh sorry, it's okay. Well I could use a hand here, stick your arm out, Jesus, I'm so sorry. There we go.

I went to break and my flip flop got caught underneath the break. That scared me. Oh wow, what's happening? What is Are we in danger? On this episode?

I feel like, you know how some Jesus, Oh, your car keeps yelling at us, that red car. Oh it's it just highlighted another prius. Is this like a social media thing in built into your tesla. Yeah, I don't know another tesla.

Another Tesla. Or it's like, hey there's a Prius, stay away from that Prius.

Yeah, lowly Prius. It's a new electric car in town. Get real fashion hybrid. Yeah I am. I'm not a flip flop guy. You know that about me?

I do.

I'm mainly because I'm I'm very scared of having my feet exposed. I've kifted, kick, kiffed. What is wrong with me? I've kicked many a coffee table. My household had many knobby wooded redwood furnitures that are made by my dad, and I would kick them at a high rate of speed, very excited. Usually when I was happy, yep, like yay, I gotta go to trampoline camp.

Kick bare toe, broken toe? I trampline camps canceled, there are.

It's been so painful that I'm like, well, what is it like to have a broken toe, because I don't I've never kicked and broken a toe, but it is that thing. And I remember seeing my sister kick the same tables and just you immediately collapse and lay there in silence, and everyone gets quiet because you know how painful it is and oh man, stubb and toes and that flip flops are just like, hey, here's my toes ready for the stubborn. There's no roof, It's just a

So you can't. Really, there's really no world where you could wear a flip flop.

No, what if I have to run? What if I all of a sudden it's time to go, don't put your flip flops under your armpit.

Well, you don't always have to run those. Sometimes you can dip over into a corner and not run. Let people run past you.

Yeah, as long as I'm hidden, I have to be in a dark corner, no one one seeing me take my flip flops off.

I'm just saying as as a compulsive flip flop wear, and I also have gnarly toes, and it much like my windshield. I'm like, who cares truly, But I had this thing where a couple days ago it got a little bit colder, which in LA it's like, oh, the season's changing and then that's fall.

It's concluded.

Yeah, it's already over, back to eighty five. But I was really bummed that I had to put I was like, oh, I'm too cold to wear flip flops. I have to put on socks and I have to make this transition into covered shoes. And I was very upset about it. Felt weird. It's like that thing where you know, you wear your bathing suit all summer, you wear shorts all summer, and then you have to put long pants on. Yeah,

It is the reason I have my slip on shoes, like a van slip on that's got the same I just slide into those.

Yep SAMELI same vibe.

They will fly off. I don't lie really don't understand them. At the beach, it's like, oh, let me like collect sand for me to continually walk on.

Well, but then you just pick your foot up and that sand goes away.

Right, You are right about that.

I mean, I've been there.

I've had enough sand filled van slip on to know I should be a flip flop man.

At least at the beach.

I guess, much like the shoe, my opinion of it, I'm a flip flop flip flopper, I don't.

I'm so sick of you not landing on one side of flip flopping or another.

I'm just like any call me McCarthy because both sides of the isle are mad. Oh my god, Yeah, I get very political. I did a little research for that one. I figured it would come up.

Are you gonna keep talking about Kevin McCarthy, No, I don't.

Know much about him.

I don't either.

I know more about Kevin McCaffrey's a comic that was World Stumbast also loved by Republicans everybody until the show was canceled, but still continues to play World Stummist.

Check it out on Fuel TV or wherever you get your fine clip shows.

Did you know that there's a channel? What's happening? Did you know? Think of something? Think of something? There's a channel, Kirk, you're talking, people are listening. Keep talking. Fairy X on my TV. Within the Samsung device MM without the purchase of any plan that just plays this show I've never watched called Portlandia. That's I want to talk about now because it's funny. Really, I never watched Portlandy. I don't know where it was on IFC. When have I had

I didn't know that still existed.

It's it's I mean, they're on the show, they're on new iPhones and stuff. It seems pretty recent.

Oh good, Well, did you know I wrote on a season of PORTLANDI.

I didn't know that that. This didn't even Are you kidding me?

No?

Is that how your pals with Fred? No?

I knew Fred from early comedy days at Largo. Oh okay, kind of before I met him, right before he started doing stuff that led him to Centerate Live.

Okay. Yeah, was one of the things where he went into a dance studio.

Yes, I think so. Yeah, when he was just kind of doing man on the Street stuff that was so good and funny.

Yeah, yeah, I watched that recently. Well, I'm watching Portlandia. I'm ready to laugh at a show that's more than ten years old. Yes, some of the episodes, so it is. But the clock there is a Golden Girls station. I'm just I'm not here to talk about TV, but I've been watching it. I'm going to admit that now a lot of people watch it. So a lot of people right now are like me too.

Yeah, a lot of people are like, You're not the only one. But then you're like, but I am the only one that waited for a decade to give PORTLANDI a chance, right.

Yeah, yeah, And anyway, there's also a World's Dumbest channel, so I can watch how I used to look ten years ago exactly, and it's confronting.

Yeah, I bet it is. Yeah, well, you know the thing about it is time passes.

It is We're on our Earth that is spinning in space, and time is made by the Lord in space.

I said time passes, and you said it is time passes.

It is.

It is. See that's an interesting way to look at it, because it was, it is and it will.

Yeah they will never not true time has passed, although wait it may who knows, because they you know, there's the new Hubble telescope in space that's way more powerful and they're seeing way.

More shit in Yeah.

Yeah, really cool.

So this week I've seen a bunch of they're like, oh, they just discovered these planets that are not what do you call it when you go around a store. They don't they're not in an orbit. They're just floating. That's weird. They saw that somewhere far far away. And then the one I saw this morning is they you know, one of those pictures where it's like all the stars and it's basically all black with orange little spots. Yes, orange

Yeah, the web, Yes, yes, that's that's w EBB. You know, I know I know about space and science and politics and mom, if you came here to learn, well you should probably go somewhere else.

But yeah, not for learning, but just for chatting. This is all shit. You could say at a party that unless someone immediately looked it up, they wouldn't know that you weren't right about it.

Right.

That's what we're providing. And that's one thing I did learn from a Portland episode. All you have to do is learn one thing and then drive the conversation to that one thing. Yeah, and then continue and then people are like, god, you know a lot, but you're really secretly getting everyone to talk about what you want to talk about, like a real conversational sociopath.

I have to say, of course, Fred Armison is truly one of my favorite performers and favorite comedians and number one Kerry Brownstein also not only hilarious but in one one of my favorite bands of all time, so like cool.

Truly cool after watching. As a side note, yes, I listened to a lot of Slater Kenny after watching, just to get the.

Full yes taste test. Yes of wow, these guys have it all. But then on top of that, Jonathan Kreisl was the EP and the director and he is also how do I know his name? Kreisl? The he's the EP of Baskets. I've talked about him a lot because he's like one of my favorite bosses ever and.

Like he directed my commercial for HR.

Yes, he's he does. He's a great director, okay, but he's also a great creative executive producer and you know guide and he really like it's the three of them that made that show. I think like gave it the kind of sensibility.

That it had. Yeah, he's like a calming presence. He's like, goof around, be silly, this doesn't matter, right, he was really if I am if that, I'm pretty sure that was the guy. Did he direct a lot of baskets?

Yes, he's yeah, and he also has I like that guy. He has kind of crazy hair. Yes, yeah, that's him. He's the best.

Well I do believe he knows about this podcast, Yes he does, and that podcast that I've done with you the whole time. So thank you. And I think that's why I think I'm thanking you now for getting me that H and R block commercial. Oh think so yeah, I think so.

Well you're welcome then doubly yeah, I mean, but also, I mean that's okay fine, But I would say, here's the thing is people listen to their friends podcasts all the time, and it doesn't mean they cast the other person on the podcast anything. So that's you can put that right back to yourself.

That wasn't nepotism, right right, I nailed the fuck out of that audition. That's right? What that was?

You're undusted right now? Did you realize that?

Oh yeah, listen to my voice. Should I do more characters? I can do characters. Okay, you're gonna hear another Italian.

Chef I do Wait? Are you arguing or are you doing an impression?

Yeah? Someone put the sauce in the wrong fucking botty bush. My guy, he's a chef, but he also you know, you don't want to mess with them. No, no, no, yeah, yeah, but yeah, well I guess I'll wait for casting to call.

Oh yeah, oh, and they will once the actor's strike is over, we should delineate. Actors strike is not over. They have to settle with the actors. They have to give the actors what they gave the writers. They have to start respecting the people that make things right.

More and ran right now, what we're what's happening now, folks? Is there where there were allowed to go into pre production? So the writers correct me and my mom writing on things now and then and the writers are settled there contra Yeah, they're getting into rooms together and and then soon they're gonna call Fairbanks.

That's right. The auditions are going to kick back up and they'll be like drive to Santa Monica. Pretend you're talking to a squirrel. It's gonna take you four hours for one line.

I forgot. I don't like it.

We're gonna go with the famous person I forgot.

That's how i'd see. I'm just gonna act like everything's the way it was the past few months. Okay, yeah, zero expectation.

Well you never know that because we put in a lot of episodes. So maybe people are like, since recent episodes are just like, I just have to work with this person.

Yeah, maybe that is happening. You never know what people are thinking of you.

I don't know what anyone's thinking or feeling of you.

Let's see of your car as another friendship with this car, it did just say hi. It was a little bumper wink.

It said high in a nice tone, not like the beep beep beep we got before. Hi, friend, Hi, you should sell me soon before. I don't have any value, Karen, That's what I'm hearing. You should probably trade the sense for something else. Did you realize there's some real problems. I do that too, the owner of this company.

When I'm giving bad news.

I get a little higher. It's hard not to go up here with it.

I really like this car, but don't you think it's given the current blood?

Don't you think the fact that he's a crypto fascist.

Crypto fascist that has a nice ring to it.

I actually don't know what that means.

I know it's perfect. It's buzzwords. I like him. I'm buzz'm we're bees baby.

Oh it's another character.

Put the sauce down.

Who dropped that bag of drywall?

Yeah, that was gonna be really usable.

Who collected the drywall and then dropped it in the street?

And that's the bad stuff. I could tell by its fibrousness that it was a mesothelioma causing drywall. The can that you cannot clean up yourself.

You know, it's funny. My grandfather did was a dry waller and a plasterer.

Is he no longer with us?

He is no longer?

Was it lung based? It was not okay?

He got to die of old age.

You know, I wanted to be a doctor.

No, I do know. And you love to talk about doctor things.

Dude, I love on the inside of our bodies is the blood and skeleton, Karen, aren't you interested?

Have you ever seen that thing? The bodies exhibit where it's But it's basically human bodies without skin, so and they're posed to certain things.

Yes, what's your what's your feel about that? I find it fascinating, but it's scary. I watched a documentary about it and the the artist has a very creepy voice. It's it's it seems like, hey, I'm a serial killer and I reassemble bodies. But some of them are are really cool, but it's hard to look at. It's like a skeleton, you know, and the musculatures in front of

Hard to is it though. That's my thing? So Georgia just covered this. Yes, the other podcast that I do, it's called My Favorite Murder.

Yeah, I've heard of that.

Georgia did a story about the Bodies exhibition, and I thought it was leading to this big reveal of like, but then here's the horrible thing. So from the get I was like, I hate this, it's so gross, sort of being super like that, and she basically got told me when she's like, well, yeah, but it, I mean, that's fine. It's still going on today, and I was like, oh, no,

Yeah it is, it is. It's it's amazing, but I don't really want to see it. I don't want to see it. I've told myself you should go see it.

No, don't tell yourself that anymore.

I just like the I don't like the process though. Think about that. It's like embalming.

It's your dead bodies, you know you Okay, So I mean, look, I don't want to be you know, mean to people who's like this is their passion or something, But why is that your passion?

Right?

Like, this is we have so much to be figuring out with all our skin on. Why do you want to disarticulate human beings? Tons of them? And horses. Horses the nicest thing on the planet that almost everybody just wants to touch their head and nose. And you want to take it apart, skin it and remove the skeletons from the.

Meals like disassembled?

No thanks, I'd like it assembled always strictly as a rule.

Yeah, I like my horses in one piece. Please, unless I'm trying not to be rude at a at a.

Barbecue or I'm in a costume with a friend. Ah, I like it.

The one in fact just smells their farts all day. It's a great cost.

How does the woman back get that?

J'all talk about a terrible coin flip to lose? Oh the back of the horse costume? Okay?

Can I just tell you sidebar. I was shopping on Amazon today and I needed to get something on there. It was the detergent for the washing machine that I had to get because it's the only one that fit in the space in my house and so now I have to get specialty detergent whatever. I have to order it on there. I clicked on the button that said best sellers just because I was like, what's this going to involve?

Al, let's go to best sellers.

I've never seen clicked on it before. And the first thing on the best seller page she lost both her babies.

Oh there's just a lady that she seems disappointed, but not as disappointed as I would be. Where did she go with those babies? And where are the babies now?

She could work for a baby gifts store. And that's somebody just ordered that and she's walking it to their house.

That's like a carriage version of the horse, because one of those babies has to be in back. That's right. Anyway.

The best seller, the best the number one thing on the bestseller page today was a coin flip. It's a coin that you can use to make decisions, right, So there was one that just said yes no. But then there was another one that literally had a sexy lady in a bikini carved out on it. But it looks like it's fake copper.

It's a best seller.

It's the number one best seller. Number one and two were these two coins and it said coin flip decision coins or something like that. So one is just a yes no coin flip. The other one says I hope I get some tail and it's and then it would have had a lady in a bikini on it, and I'm like, excuse me, where is this selling so great?

The other side say, but I'll settle for some hat. Oh what kind of it? Were you? In a special category on Amazon Grandpa's Den? Oh shit?

Yeah, I don't know what was happening, but I bet you that is what it said it had to You mustn't think that.

No, I mean that's the kind of writer's room I want to be in.

Yes, you will. You will be victorious in that writer.

This is over. It's by eleven o'clock. They're carrying me off in my rolling office chair.

I'm just saying it was so victory is yours? But I'm just saying it's so weird. This bikini lady was carved out like fucking abe Lincoln. But it's a lady, like supposed sexy lady. Like what I just looking at that? I stared at it for so long, of like what am.

I being shown?

What is this?

Oh?

Wow? Okay, Donnalley found it?

Am I right about it being on the bestseller's page?

Well, the only other thing is attention. Let's flip a coin. It has to be a coin flipping category. Yeah, it's I'm telling you it is a sultry This is a front her. Her nipples are blurred out because they can't show it. Yeah, the the real coin, you see nipples. This had to be This coin was X rated and had to be edited.

Wait in the description, does it say that the other side says anything about it? Well, it says heads. I get tail tails, I get head. Yeah, you want it? You want it?

Yeah, just good job, that's I just have a gift. I have a gift. Uh yeah, that's well. The funny thing is when for to know that there's nothing going on a funny business when it comes to coin flipping. That's why you use a quarter because everyone knows it hasn't been tampered with. Yes, no one shows up with a little burlap sack. Oh don't worry, guys. I have a special coin for flipping that's ten minutes to everyone testing it and biting.

It and going, this is magnetized. So you're trying to rip this off?

Yeah, that's how you. Using that coin would get you murdered at most casinos.

I mean, also, why are you flipping coins at casinos? Let the professionals handle it?

Yeah? Are you the best seller? That means that everyone is just completely indecisive.

But also I have to say not the Bikini Lady one. But I was like, well, that's kind of a dumb, funny gift to give to people, right, if you feel like, what do you get the guy that has everything? Right, sexy decision coin? Yeah, I bring one for Bridger if I ever do. I said no gifts again.

Yeah. If you do know someone that needs a lot of things though and really has nothing, do not buy them that coin. It is only for somebody that has everything already.

Wait on aly, sorry, but how much was that coin? And wait, I think I'm turning on.

Well, see that's the other thing. A quarter is as far as it still is only costs a cord it is.

Yeah, quarters are still twenty five cents.

Yeah, well, it's just crazy to me, what a worthless thing to purchase?

That isn't that good?

But I will never I like anguishing over decisions. I love that it's hard for me, but I would not feel good about any decision if a coin decided it.

What about a sexy lady coin?

If a sexy lady came over and said, listen, we have to make some decisions about your life. Enough of the shit and I'm not going to wear clothes, and I'd be like, all right, if you can sit, let's start with my taxes.

She is a really sexy CPA that doesn't wear clothes. Yeah, for your it's kind of like the the Topless Maids service. Yeah, they have here in Los Angeles for reasons that I baffle me to this day.

Yeah, what a scary job every day, horrifying. Just they are definitely expect funny business, yeah, for real, the kind.

That doesn't make you laugh, the unfunny business.

Yes, serious business. I love this neighborhood.

This is like, isn't it nice?

They're like mini look at that mini house. Yep. There's a street in Orange County, in Costa Mesa or Newport Beach. I remember I used to drive by it a lot that is houses for little people and then have little doors. Sure, it's like a whole community.

That's cool. Yeah and fun. Yeah.

And they're beautiful houses.

And it's that was specifically built so that finally they don't have to be in people's world.

Yeah, it's a shorter house everything, the doors, the windows are lower.

It's great.

I was like, wait a minute, is this a street for little people thinking I was making a hilarious.

Joke or independent children. There she is, yay.

Posy, look at that speaking of skeletons, at least that one doesn't have his skin.

That is, she was pointing of what side of the car should I get into. I thought you were pointing going get in here. Oh it's this house.

It's one of the we're switching cars. I love what you've done this. Thank you, came the spectrum. How'd you do that? Did you do that yourself?

My friend Jenny did it? Who from Bad Cop, Bad Cop Delightful punk band. She's an artist too, and she makes amazing cakes and she did it for me.

Wow, it's really cool.

Yeah, that's great.

Drink abaja blast and watched it happen? Did you see the I have two inflatable eyeballs in the front of my house. You should drive out.

Giant skeleton with a little owl. Friend.

Oh yeah, just this week did some Halloween decorating so it looks a cooking monster.

And the railing looks like the tea.

Yeah, exactly, awesome. Yeah, that's really that's an inflatable skeleton too. And you have a baby skeleton with a plastic bag over its head because it it died, yes, with a plastic bag. Yeah, it came like the it came with a bag on its head, like just from home depot.

And then I was like, well, let's just not take the bag off, because I think it's tell a little story about exactly the We have a little little little kids in the neighborhood that love the skeletons a lot.

Yeah.

Some other the other night family walked by and this one little boy, he's like maybe four. Every day he walks by and he goes, Hi, skeleton to my big twelve footer, and he has a a little owl in front of him right now, a little like skeleton now that I got lost year for Christmas because people just buy me bones.

Yeah, now they know you love them, they know me we have We're gonna ask Brandy about her opinion, okay, okay, but they.

I was like, oh, who's your what's your favorite part of the new setup? He said, I like the owl? And I was like thatwel doesn't have a name. Do you want to name him? And he goes, okay, hold on Owli Skeleton is his name. And then his parents both looked a little disappointed.

Yeah too, Yeah, that's like I put him up for adoptions. It's like, oh we there shall hope.

Here he's he was under a lot of pressure though.

Yeah yeah.

I was like, you take your time. That's the first pitch, buddy.

Yeah, whatever you want to think about it, Olie Skeleton.

Just like, I don't know what do you what would make you guys happy? I don't know, yeah, right, like you Carl whatever, Yeah, Carl, Carl would have been great.

That kid I want to hang out with.

Yeah, I know it's Brandy, Yeah, it's me, she's here anybody. So we were just talking about the bodies exhibition. Oh yes, what's let's hear your opinion about the body's exposition. I've seen the bodies. I've seen it. You've gone to Vegas? Yes, I was in Vegas and it was like.

For free at the Tropicana one year, okay, and I was like, well, what am I gonna do? Let me that's it was like the hotel next to me, so like we go see it. I did not enjoy my time there because isn't there like there's a weird rumor that Uh, it's like bodies that are like they weren't donated. They were like prisoners or like, yes.

Whoa see, that's exactly the kind of nefarious background I wanted to hear about this guy because he's so scary. He's like sounds like Joseph Mangela or something.

Yeah, yeah, that makes and they like seeing them person They it's like you've seen we've all I'm going to make big generalization, we've all seen somebody in a muscle onesie, right, No, maybe not, maybe that's just me.

A muscle ones.

Yeah.

Yeah, you know like a like a like a like a you know, like a zip up like a little suit with like a muscle muscula chair on it.

Oh sure, yeah, I got you like a good good body yes, yeah, charge yeah yeah, don't you mean that like the guy that there was a character on Conan early days Conan where he was like, I'm mister goodbody.

Yes there's yeah, yeah, based.

On a model you could get when I was young, it was like all the organs and then you glue it together, Chris, and that was mister exactly. Yeah, Okay, we got we've all seen that.

We've all seen that.

Yes, I have seen, but to see the to see the real thing is a little it's hard because like their belly buttons are there, and like they cut like they're they're there's a few parts that there's skill skin and a belly button, there's a little bit of skin.

There's like a little bit of skin.

Around the eyes, and it's just you're like, oh, this isn't I don't actually want to see this right. It's like I don't think i'd be good at taxidermy, and I don't, like, I never wanted to dissect a frog, but like, you know, bones, once they've been bleached and clean interesting to me.

Just not with all the extra I was confronted, and mainly my mom was confronted because she was a member of PEDA and everything. We had to dissect frogs in science class, like in eighth grade, and I think her and I decided together that I wouldn't be cutting on frogs. Yeah, and I was like, okay, let's work for me, I guess, but it's actually interested in drawing them. So I just drew. For people that couldn't draw, I would draw their frogs.

I couldn't tell you.

I don't know that. There's no way I have the kids and be like, ah, this is I refuse.

Yes, it's real.

It is really disturbing. But in the late eighties I was the only kid that was like, I don't like this.

Yeah, I like that you chose to create instead of destroy.

Chris, Yes, that's true.

I will draw things and bring more the world. Yeah, but they like I would just like to that parallel, which I understand you're just kind of trying to make that point. But these are people, and that's my thing is just like that idea that this person who wanted to do this idea is like everybody's gonna want to look at this. And he was right in a way

Yeah, it was free.

I was like, I would never would.

Have paid for this, but it was like if it's you know, it was in like the I imagine, like your corpse is in like the lobby of a casino.

Yeah.

God, yes, I very much think about I just I want to be burned because I listened to a Dan Carlin's hardcore history about the fall of the Roman Empire years ago, and there's a few of like I think, like Cicero was his enemy is when he died, they dragged his body through the streets and like people flew through like like feces at it, and then they like threw his body to the dogs. And I don't know, it upset me so much that I was like, you

What are you doing that this might be a fear.

I want to know they're gonna creepate me and then just pour my ashes on a pile of shit.

You can go both ways, ashes of okay with I just don't need my foot. There's enough bad pictures of me on stage as a comedian. I don't need people to be taking even worse photos with my corpse.

Than I need.

Yeah, yeah, I try not to think about it, but I am more upset by the horses, just like in a Western when I can watch people get shot all day, but when they shoot the horse and then because the real horse actor you know horse actor, yeah, falls.

Over there, are yanked to the ground.

Yeah yeah, yeah. Westerns are troubling to watch. Yeah yeah, I don't need to see that.

Yeah, but what's okay? If Westerns are in the more troubling side of things to watch, what's the most healing thing to watch? Hmmmm?

And we're talking old movies that maybe or from a where everything is troublesome or anything.

Ah, what's the antidote to if you just watched a horse get shot in a Western?

I my pitch would be reality shows that are about people being good at what they're good at with with no drama. Are talking about forged in fire and I know you also a great pottery throwdown. Oh you know, like things where it's just like you're good at what you do and this is lifting you up and you're meeting other people that are like your your peers.

Ye.

And it's bringing a community together.

Yeah, I like that too. And I'm just on my phone on purpose find the people even though they know they're on camera, these guys that are just giving money to people without homes. And that's the best. Every time it gets me, every time, I fully cry.

Well, it's solving real people's in me I problems in like such a serious way.

Yeah. And it's a short amount of time you're committing like a you watch five of those and you've only five minutes later, you're in a better mood. You don't have to watch three Golden Girls episodes.

That's right, Brandy. You can have anything you want off this.

Man on the menu that includes one food.

Item one food item wow oral water. Yeah. Hi, I don't want to get too close to this car.

Hi.

Uh? Can I get a couple drinks? Can I get a double tall one pump mocha hot?

All have a hot coffee with almond milk?

Okay? Can we get a grande just whatever your regular coffee is with almond milk? Yeah, I kind of grande iced green tea lemonade, no sweetener. Can we also get a grande iced green tea lemonade with no sweetener on, Elise. I would love a cake pop And do you have cake pops right now? The chocolate one? A chocolate one?

Please?

Thank you?

Very exciting. I mean he can get sing songy in the end. But we heard that cake pop attitude.

I don't guess the cake I don't know.

It's been a while since I worked here, Ted, I.

Mean, they're also you can't tell me there aren't seasonal cake pop flavors. But whatever, if you don't want to help, that's fine. I realized you've probably been screamed at eighty nine times today, right, just give me some pumpkin spice bullshit, may motherfucker.

I always i go through a drive through. I'm always just say hey, how are you doing today? And they're so thrown offcause they get treated by such like like such shit all day. They're like, uh, I'm good, how are you? I mean, thank you for asking. I've got, I've got, And then I'm not charging you just because I said how are you? Yes, that's you know. I'm

I just like to watch a video of a performer treating anyone else that they're human, and.

It's not comedian destroys Heckler. It's actually comedian builds Heckler back up to a place where they don't feel like interrupting a show is going to make them feel like they're in the world. Yeah, exactly, the world already destroyed them. How about we like rebuild? Yeah, you know, how about we ask them some questions about their parents exactly. Not looking for joke answers, looking for some I'm looking for some connection. Yeah.

So you're Every year Halloween comes and I'm like, oh, I should have started on my costume. It's very important for me to dress up. I'm not this year. I have to be on the road. But have you have you thought about costumes and what you're gonna wear.

I do have a costume situation this year.

I'm gonna be in New Orleans for Halloween and my with my boyfriend and then my one of my best friends in eighth grade and his wife lived there, and the four of us are going to do the Cereal Monsters.

So I'm gonna be Frank, Frank and Berry.

It's great.

Rick is going to be your Boyfriend's gonna be h Count Chocula. Sure, and then we've got Booberry and yummy Mummy. Yeah, yummy mummy, Yummy Mummy. Who's gonna get Booberry? I'm worried. Well, I think with the four of us together, I think it might help. Yes, like I think you honestly you need Count Chocula.

Yes, you do.

My boyfriend is going on a crash diet to fit into the suit that he bought. Rick, please be careful if you eating disorder.

He's just like, I have to lose ten pounds to fit into the count Choculate suit. I was like, don't talk to me about it.

That's so funny. I've had so many costumes that I was too big for and I'm not a huge person. Yeah, that happens a lot because they're for kids. Try finding an adult size Count Chocula.

I mean, truly, there's kind of nothing worse than that too, where it's very as you like to say, Chris confronting, where the year I had to find scrubs because I was the Ebola nurse trying on scrubs in like a you know, costume thrift store or vintage store, and it's like, these scrubs don't fit me. It's like, god damn it, Like that whole that it was such a traumatizing experience, just be like trying on these crazy pants and like some of them are gigantic, but most of them are,

Yeah.

Well, the scrubs, I will say, based on my Instagram ad scrubs have gotten sexy in a weird way. Yeah, because there's a lot of scrubs. They're very form fitting. They got joggers. Ye. Now, these nurses are beautiful, and I'm like, no, it's not the nurses.

And I've at the hospital, but I guess, you know, all right, good for you. For you guys, I mean, okay, that's how you want to do it.

Yeah, I've been intimidated by the scrubs I've seen on Instagram.

Okay, thank you, don't worry. I guess you're right there there. Maybe these days just slightly more fitted than I just kept expecting how I was gonna basically be. It would be like if you were borrowing pajamas. You wouldn't be like, oh, they kind of don't fit into your pajamas, and it's just like, but I don't fit into these fucking scrubs. Did you do a croc with them? I did clogs because I was it was the year I want to see Bowler Nurse.

Oh, I like that.

It was a while ago, that's fine, And I knew I purposely picked that costumes so I wouldn't actually really have to be have a costume on because I was just like, oh, I'm just gonna I might as well have been a jogger because I'm like, I just want to be comfortable, so I'll just wear these scrubs.

Yeah. The year you there was an exactly right Halloween party and everyone put time to their costumes. And I just had a lab coat and covered it with those spider webs and I'm like, okay, so I'm just a dusty old Okay, I'll put some spider webs in my hair. How about some spy in my hair? And I couldn't get it out. It was a it was a costume that lasts for an entire week.

There you go, spider doctor.

Yeah. Everyone thought it was an origin story for Peter Parker or something, or I guess there is a Spider Man character that turns into something, because.

Yeah, I'm the five and nunder from the flashback.

Exactly. Yeah, I just need to do a little research after I make my costume and apply it to something.

That was the same party where I went as Megan Fox and Frank. I brought my dog and he was machine gun Kelly. He's got that. I could see it. He's got the vibe. But all I did was put I bought Fox ears on a weird and a really long wig, and people kept telling me, oh my god, you have to grow your hair out. That looks so good on you. I'm like, you, guys, this is like

Yeah, it's people trying to compliment you, but all they're saying is you should wear wigs.

Yeah, yeah, you could look different cold. You cover this up more in some way. But I love the way it looks really quick. Sorry, Brandy, because this started before you got in the car. But Chris was telling me, and I think you're in one hair too. He's got a drink named after him. Congratulations.

Yeah right, you always wanted that.

As you were telling me, that's when we spotted the highway patrolman that was driving crazy because there was an accidental one. Oh they did the thing where they bobbed and weaved across. I'd never seen that U till I moved to California. That the first time I saw that happening, I was like, is there a be in his car? I thought it was a full Tommy Boy situation.

Are the cops from super Bad?

Yeah?

They're so hot right now, I'm sorry, Oh, this guy looks like of course, this guy looks like you would have an attitude about cake Pops.

Yeah, it'd be nice to her. Yeah, yeah, hey, let's take my chance to kiss her on the cheek or kicked her. He's going to kick you on the cheek.

You will not bet or not.

It's gonna be.

Nice, But there is we are going to find out exactly where this ends. Anyway, when we all have our coffees, will you tell the actual story. I want to know the how and why?

Okay, okay. This has been an exactly Right production.

Produced by Annalise Nelson, mixed by Edson Chroi. Our talent booker is Patrick Coottner.

Theme song by Karen Kilgarrett.

Artwork by Chris Fairbanks. Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at dinar podcast That's d y n ar podcast.

For more information, go to exactly rightmedia dot com. Thank you, Oh You're welcome