S4 - Ep. 18 - James Adomian Pt. 1

Are you leaving? I you wanna way back home? Either way, we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a termino and gage.

We want to send you off in style.

We wanna welcome you back home. Tell us all about it? We scared? Or was it fine?

Malborn?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do your need need to ride?

Ride?

Do you need.

With Karen and Chris welcome to do you need to ride? This is Chris Fairbanks.

And this is Karen Tilgariff.

We are this this car is so do you know what I was wondering about? This electric vehicle?

What Chris?

Do you And this might be a dumb question. Never do you need to get ride?

Of right?

Do you need to get a ride?

You're pitching new titles for the show.

Yeah, and this might be just because the vehicle's electric. I feel like we should change the title, okay to do you need an electric ride? Does this car? Do you need oil changes? No, it does not, because.

It's not there's no engine. It's a battery.

Internal, but it's there. It's got to be a motor. It's an electric motor. I knew it was kind of a dumb question.

Well, you're asking me and then telling me I'm wrong when I tell you the answer.

Well I would, I would say it's just an electric motor.

Oh, you're right. I'm sorry.

But but that's great that you don't have to go get oil changes.

I mean, I gotta say this. Even when I had a normal motor, I never wanted gotta has changes. That's why, like, well I had the Honda fit. You didn't have to do stuff like that because it's a Honda.

Yeah, yeah, I go. For some reason, I obey. I don't know why. It's the way I was raised. I every six thousand miles of the minute, it says you need an oil change. It's the only thing I'm on top of. I wish I treated taxes that way.

But because of that, you have a car that's lasted you how many years it's never had a problem.

Yes, it's long. Oh oh thirteen explosion thirteen end of the world thirteen years.

Yeah that's great. Yeah, that's quite a record.

It's not so much that oil changes as it is me whispering, sweet, nothing's to the dash where, of course a car's brain is. That's right, an heart just above the motor. Yes, the heart. I keep the heart in the jockey box.

You guys have done a great job.

Everybody in the right lane that.

Isn't actually a lane be ready.

I saw some amazing behavior. I don't know where the moon is right now.

Oh, it's going to be full on Friday.

Well, people are getting ready. I saw it was actually pretty impressive. This older lady was in her car, flat tire middle of the freeway, just had the hazards on, no and it was rubber shooting off, and she just had a smile on her.

Face and sorry she was continuing to drive middle flight of flat tire, middle of the freeway.

No attempt to not be doing that anymore.

I almost no. She was just going for it. Got to get to that destination. I'll deal with it then, yeah.

Very la.

And that was right after I saw and this kind of bummed me out. It was a car that was being towed in The windshield wiper was like thirty tickets. It had been smashed and broken into and so many chalk marks all over it, like warnings of riding on the windshield, and there was a spider one of the windows because it was missing a spider web and just a spider going for a ride. Probably loved where it was living, and now it's going to be on the other side of town. Yeah, it's to start a life over.

Or maybe it's getting a ride back to where it's actually from. And it's been taking him eleven years to try to get to the west side because he's just a spider. This is an animated feature, I mean pitched. What an adventure I gave.

It's called The Spider's Adventure and it's been given the green light.

Oh my god, this is great.

The writer's strike is over.

What a way to celebrate.

Yeah, now that the strike is over, I'm a Disney executive and sold.

There's been some real upsets in the studios. Chris is now in charge of show business.

Yeah.

Yeah, I did nothing to deserve it, but I just willed it, and I borrowed copy of the secret had a lot to do with it.

Yeah, that's how most studio heads get to where they get. I probably are right, I mean right, a lot of manifestation. You can tell the way they handled the strike.

Step one, have unshakable confidence. Step two Communications degree.

Step three, communicate so badly that all of America hates your guts.

Yeah exactly.

That's the I mean, to me, the exciting part, because I was the way they were talking all big in the beginning, like they're going to starve people out and they're going to make writers lose their homes and they're I mean like that kind of shit where it's like, now everyone's against you. You thought that was going to like intimidate people. Well, that's not the world you live in anymore, right, It's so great.

And no one's going to forget. No, no, whoever it was that said that said that they might forget who it is.

Like I just displayed, well, when you're in the writer's guild, you will remember every word that everyone says.

Yeah, yeah, it's or are you in the writer's skill I am not a writer skilled member. I've only written for shows that aren't writers skilled non union yep, which you know maybe one day, I mean.

Is that a goal?

No?

Right now, I'm a professional car broadcaster. That's been my uh, that's been my main That's what I'm falling back on.

Great do you like it?

I love it?

Oh?

Good, good good.

I'm just trying to think of ways to get you involved.

Hey wait a minute, Hey, you know that you're in charge of show business.

I can be a part of it. Yeah, it's gonna be great.

Thank you for joining me. Oh, I keep green lighting everything today.

Really a good idea to greenlight your own podcast.

I love being an executive with a heart under my dash.

What are some projects that are coming up in a future.

We are doing a reality show about plumbers.

Yes, what are plumber's up to these days?

Called Pete the Plumber. I'm just reading. There's a van next to me.

Yeah, I saw.

It's my favorite thing in a movie or a show where they don't have an idea and they just look up and read a sign.

Here's what's great about Pete the Plumber. His business was established in nineteen forty five.

Who maybe his family PTP Pete.

I don't know, I mean I would imagine.

Yeah, maybe his grandfather was the original Pete Pete the first.

Yeah. Yeah, it's his family owned.

Since nineteen since nineteen forty five five.

Yeah, so I think the stories, I mean, it can be like a Perry Mason thing. We're going back into, like you know, World War two era Los Angeles. What was the plumbing, like if all the boys were away fighting for our country.

These are all questions. If we slowed down, this car is so much acceleration. We could just ask Pete himself, what if it was the original Pete? He's just in a Civil War era jacket.

Oh like you mean he's like a vampire.

He was born in nineteen forty five.

Oh so now he's eighty.

Yeah, he's eighty.

He's seventy six.

Seventy six and family owned just has a nice ring to it.

You mean he's lying, No, he's.

Just Hey, I am my own family. He's a single guy. His only kids are pipes.

Copper only in this family, Oh.

Copper only if you're at night looking for some miss deal.

Has there ever.

Been a plumber's TV show? Can you think of any show that people have?

Yes?

Okay, let's hear what you've come up with. Sorry, I don't know why I'm being so confrontational. No, no, real tone.

You obviously didn't know of the One Day at a Time offshoot about Schneider.

Oh my god, did I loved Schneider? Yeah?

I really did. I don't remember what he did. I just remember his stature. He's a tall, lanky uh look like Ernest goes to camp looking guy. But yeah, or anywhere Ernest went u Jim Varne. I think he saved Christmas and to do that he had to fight the devil.

Yeah, he had to go to health.

But he had a selicky mustache.

He did, and he had kind of like a it was very the gritty seventies, right, so you know he was like gritty selick. Well that's what you just said. But I mean like he was like because he was the building super. So he was a plumber. He was a handyman. He did it, was an electrician. He had had big tool belts, right.

Yeah.

I other than I really can't think of any plumbing shows. I bet people are thinking of them, though. I'm gonna get some strongly worded handwritten letters.

Yeah, let's let's uh oh on the least, got it?

Oh?

What can I say? Mine? The one I thought of, which is do you know one of those ghost shows? Those real ghost shows started It was plumbers and they were the ones that came and discovered that. Like oftentimes when people think that they have poltergeist in their house, it's because of the plumbing and the plumbing is making weird noises.

That's so funny because sometimes the plumbing makes knocking noises that a arrhythmic knocking noises. Yeah, that could only be you think, a dead drummer, but someone in a percussion like someone that died in a percussion based accident. But it's really pie. I still to this day, I don't know why it would. It would beat to the rhythm of a metronome.

Well, it's usually what water going through the pipe, which has its own nature, has its own natural rhythm.

Yeah.

Actually, what could be more fluid in nature than water?

Right?

Yeah, it's not like rivers are fast one day and slow the next. Only it's hand on your phone and there's a show and it's a newer show. Okay, yeah, seventy percent rating on IMDb or Rotten Tomatoes, White House Plumbers.

Oh show.

Yes, Toby Houses on that show, you know Toby.

Yeah, he used to do the Sinatra impression for MTV.

Yes, he did it all.

I know.

He's been on one thousand other TV shows, you know, But.

Every time I see him, it's just like, rescue me. I'm like, Oh, that's a comedian on MTV that used to say inappropriate things.

To Cindy Crawford, Jim Turner, Uh no.

Dennis Leary, Oh oh yeah, just as an example of someone else. I can't go beyond. Like every time I every time I see Polly Shore, I'm like, hey, it's the wise I was.

I the first time I saw Paul Shore, I felt like I was witnessing the future.

It was like, who is this guy?

This is? It's like how Northern California felt about Southern California. Or it's like they're so innovative down there, just doing things differently and they're so advanced. And then it's like Poly Shore in a kitchen being like that, wez.

Yeah, just wearing cutoff shorts, baby dolls short shorts? Uh?

Or is the baby doll for boys?

Maybe?

Yeah, he did that before.

Anyone, Like dove shorts.

Dove oh, like the dovetail. Shall they go down now?

It was just the duh Yeah, it's yeah, I don't I don't don't know.

I don't know what dove shorts are.

Okay, they were when you're because I think your sister and I are the same age, so it would have been something Lisa War And it's like in the early eighties, I would say early to mid and they were shorts that had would have a white panel and then a red panel, so one leg would be white, one leg would be red, and on the back it would be the opposite, and then you'd have a tank top that matched right, And they were kind of nilony, but it was I think mostly girls wore them.

And those are coming back, are they?

Yeah?

I've seen it a lot on like a work pant, something like what I'm wearing now. No, different colored in the front, correspondingly opposite on the back. Four panels. Huh, and they're they're often called two panel pants.

Is that?

Are you making that out?

No?

No, no, I've been. I almost thought about buying them. Uh, Dove shorts. I thought was where you're wearing shorts and you should wash them, But instead you just put a bar soap in there and go on with your day.

You just rub a little soap on there and keep on chugging.

Oh dove, Oh no, I'm thinking Ivory, one of the soaps liquid soaps. I think it was Ivory stung so bad when it got in your eye. And I only know this because we had a pump of it in my childhood. Bathroom. Yeah, and it would get coagulated at the at the end of the pump, and everyone would avoid cleaning off that hardened residual exactly. Next person has to deal with it somebody else. Yeah, And I would pump it. And one time it's shot liquid soap directly

I don't think I've heard this before.

It's stung so bad that I panicked and then I slipped in the bathroom and fell hard, and my mom ran in and was just laughing as she should. Yeah, I mean, because it was like, why are you suddenly on the ground. Why did you scream? She thought something scared me, But then I showed her my eye. That's horrible, Yeah, it was. It was so don't the dove is okay, I didn't mean to attack the dove people, But ivory soap is so painful.

I mean, I bet you you're not going to find a soap that isn't painful if it goes right on your eyeball.

You know, I'm going to tell you the most painful, which one doctor Brauner's peppermint that stuff.

Because then you're your eye heart. It's really bad. But you're having to read all that copy on the bottle.

But it's almost like a joke that they're playing. Yeah it is Willy Wonka. You should have read the disclaimer sized font.

Yeah, at the very bottom of the Doctor Browner's bottle it says watch out for your eyes.

But you know we don't read it.

No, No, it's too late. At that point, it's already blurry and you're.

Screaming it's too far gone.

It feels like these girls that are waiting for this light to turn are at PE or some sort of after school exercise program.

Yeah, and well, that girl's in a different program.

She's running, she's going somewhere else, but she has the same hair.

She's getting extra credit.

She's like, who cares, I'll run all the way to Western.

That girl was a grown up.

Oh yeah, she's not part of the.

Other team, but wearing similar clothing.

Yeah.

You see that a lot like entire classes of kids running through Los Angeles together. Yeah, that seems like a small town thing.

But I wouldn't love having to do PE just in and around Los Angeles.

Yeah, hey, let's go out and get what is statistically the worst air quality and these young growing lungs, let's fill them up.

Fill her up.

But it is good that it's just weird that those three were like, you know what, let's take a pit stop.

Here, let's just hang out there. Will They look tired and kind of.

Sick of it. I think it's weird that the full grown lady that had nothing to do with them, who was also jogging, had the same kind of ponytail.

Well, we're going to get a second look at her here and decide if had she heard me, if she'd be offended or not. Let's see, let's see, Nope, she would have been. That's a child, that's a teenager. That's a teenager. I think that the highlights and the hair that uh they threw you, yeah, because they are kind of gray.

Are you gonna let me over? Are you just the worst fucking person in.

The world telling you it's the moon? I got a spider to transport across.

Town out of my way. I'm Pete the plumber.

It's just bothering me that. What is the story of that? When someone just leaves their car, abandons their car and lets it gather. Yeah, there was literally thirty tickets.

Well, I wonder since you're saying it's all smashed up and you're imagining the order differently. I imagine they got into an accident, had to park it somewhere.

They shouldn't have parked it. They couldn't go get it.

That explains the front bumper and it because it looked like there was an accident. Yes, but right while it was sitting there, I think that's when someone did a smash and grab, or as I like to call it, the old Welcome to San Francisco. It's happening a lot there. If you live there, you know you laughed in a specific way. Yeah, and they're you know it just all the chalk marks. That was all. It showed a story that has been months. It reminded me of there was

Just trying to wrap up his call.

Yeah, I'm very excited for our guests today. Do you know get it?

Do you need a ride?

Almost ten years ago was the last time we did it. We gave him an electric ride. Yeah, that's electric.

Hello, you know him from.

Jeans Jeans, James, me and our guest today. You know I'm from clubs and colleges, James Agmy and there's our guest today.

Well this is great. Yeah, there's no pre show the car we are.

On, you're on.

We're right into it. We aren't going to discuss today's game plan. You know how it works.

We need a tight forty nine from you right now.

It was almost ten years ago that you were last on.

Yep.

Does that blow your mind?

Uh, you know, there's a lot of things I've gotten used to. Nothing really blows my mind. Yeah, the passage of time.

Yeah, yeah, I don't know why I kept keep getting surprised by it.

Nobody. Yeah.

I do have like memories now of comedy things that I think are like recent times.

Like we all just fucking sat around and they're like, oh, that was before.

Obama yeah, yeah, this was so sad.

Those are Remember we all just sat around.

Those are your best memories?

I love sitting.

All of my memories are couch based.

This is a great podcast for me. It is well, here we are and it's tesla. Have we got a big iPad uh in the which is great engineering?

Yeah right. We love when things stick out. Human beings love.

It a jut. Yeah. Not a lot has changed since you were last one, but the car.

Certainly has car.

Yeah, we wrecked it. We just were looking for a good season ender.

I turned this off.

Now the doctor calls the dumb son of a bitch, what are your I waited an hour on the hold with this guy on a busy day and now they call, what two and a half hours late?

Do you want to take the call?

No?

I don't. I want him to suffer. Although it's meat, it's going to be suffering.

Yeah, I mean we could have put it on speaker, but no.

People love medical content like it.

Turns out you have false balls.

I don't suffer from a rare syndrome of false balls.

You have amnesia with the installation of nudicles. Are you familiar with nudicles?

Uh? No? Is that just nuts.

It is a surgical false ball that you give a pet, a pet that's been need so they like as a gift. Yeah, and so they don't have a sense of loss. But deep down, you know, if you actually interviewed a dogger cat, I think they know something.

I need something like that. But like a little career that I can have as.

A toy autical job.

Yeah, like a just a career that you can bat around like a cat and be like I'm important.

I think I think you have a great career.

I know, I've had to go for the joke.

Kid.

The last time spoke, we spoke, we both spoke together. Each of us were listening. You were about to record either an album or a special.

Yeah, it was great.

Give us some three highlights and two low lights.

So we did it at Uh we did it at the Allegion. I guess two weeks ago. And I don't know when this comes out, so it could be two months ago.

But whatever it was, right, we don't know either.

Uh. It was recorded.

It's a historical fact now, yes, it's in Heroditus's histories of the Americas. So I did two shows in one night. It was recorded by eight hundred pound Gorilla. The seven thirty show was really good and sold out, and then the nine thirty show was not sold out, but better. We're gonna just use the nine thirty show as the show. Nice and it's a little long, it's an hour and fifteen.

That's so I'm going to trim.

The fact beside for the children cut nothing.

Siktoks was there was there any bed not using bits of each show.

I did the same shit in both shows. Yeah, there was just slightly better in the nine thirty show.

Well that yeah, that was my experience. I recorded two shows also and did the same ship mostly, And you know, sometimes a version of one joke could go better the second show, and sometimes it'd be better at the first show. So if mix and there are setups that were from the first show, and then the punchline would be from the exactly.

There was one thing that I did I did better.

I performed better in the second show, which was I was sweating like a hog on stage, which I knew it was gonna happen, and so then there's people panicking around me between shows trying to change my wardrobe, and I was like, let's just dry it out and let me sweat. Out like a hog a second time on schedule, and I'll just address it. So then I had didn't address it in the first show. I was just like

Unless you make one good joke and about are you gonna call it? James Adomian sweating like a mine?

It's up there.

What are our choices so far?

Talk to of the titles? Yeah, oh, I have some good ones. I have the list. Let me pull it out here. Uh what do I have? Let's put this guy on airplane mode.

James Adomian, the doctor just called back.

There's so many, There's so many.

One of them is unfair? Use right?

Sure, Okay, where's the list of titles.

I anguished over the title so much, and I still don't know that I made the right decisions.

I thought about calling it crowd work because I do zero cloudwork, and I even like make fun of like how I'm not gonna do crowd work.

Yes, that's hilarious.

Did you do that during your set? Like?

Yeah, which is yeah, you know you, sir, Yeah, exactly? Do you like this? Next?

The joke is the joke I do is you know you're used to seeing comedy the way it should be on a vertical screen where someone's doing crowd work, that the comedy legally is now. But I'm not gonna do it. I'm not going to do a comedian destroys Heckler video. When you see mine, it's gonna be like James and Domian negotiates with Heckler.

Comes to an arrangement.

Everything is like everything is all of them are self deprecating, false positive, unmindful, fucking tickets still available? Surely that must have been done someone.

I don't think, so that's great.

The other thing is I have to that's a hard thing to google though, yes it is still available, and they're like, well, no ship and we've been looking at the website.

I think crowd work is such a good idea because the people. It's just such a funny thing, like the idea that people might want to watch a special because it's crowd work.

Just then yes, okay.

What are you doing? Why is this the part you want?

Or I could call it clapter too? How else can I defeat myself before.

How about audience manipulation?

But you know the show is going to be immediately banned in many countries.

Great the special because you're talking about ethereum exactly.

And they can't handle it.

It's only going to be screenable in the in Uh what is it? Where's what's Boukeli the president of is the press El Salvador. That's right, he's like the most bitcoin favorable world leader.

That's right.

He wanted to have a volcano power.

He literally wanted to have a volcano power the Bitcoin server, which is like, go there.

Yes, how is that possible?

We have not.

Harnessed yet the power of the magma. Why are we dicking around with all these wind wind chimes and ship Yeah?

How long do jesus they want to die?

You know, we were stuck.

He did have a look on his face like I'm an eddie and I'm an eddie that don't make eye contact.

But also they were I think he was doing that because that we were stuck in that crosswork.

Yeah, against the light that it actually changed.

That's like the Philadelphia way to coursework, get out of here. There was also a guy on a motorcycle who came behind you on the crosswalk. I don't know if he saw that part motorcycle wrong way on the street crosswalk. This is Hollywood Wednesday in Holly would Yeah, this.

Is why people move here for that kind of action.

Get ready to be surrounded by both at both ends, by people that want to be somewhere else.

I actually the unfortunate part is that I was trying to I wanted to turn right so we could go to that Starbucks and get coffee. But all right, it was all sucked up.

Well, there will be another one. That's a good thing about the mom and pop that's independently.

That's the thing about it is that they are not couple. So James, what else is going on?

I mean, especially Fanny and Bruce Starbucks.

Yes, yes, they work so hard.

Family owned since nineteen forty five.

Yeah, Fanny Starbucks started this change out of a bottom of a bottom of basement.

She had a dream, she had a cup of coffee.

She wanted to caffeinate hobos all around, and she did it.

She did do it.

One of my favorite things when someone's running for office is when like John Edwards did this and a lot of other people do too. Where if you listen to the words or even just like lightly google them, you're like, oh, I get it, your grandfather was rich. But then they try to say the story like like it was a

Yeah, they can't even manufacture a backstory that sounds my father was a small town.

You could be any kind of asshole in a small town, and then you're suddenly there William Jennings Bryant campaigning for the common people.

Yeah.

Eddie Pepatone mentioned just flippantly Julie Leuis Dreyfus. I don't know. I have so much trouble. It's because I don't like Richard Dreyfus uh coming from money, and I know her dad was a bit multi billionaire. That's surprised. Is fun because she doesn't seem like a I like her so much.

Like someone I guess, yeah, totally. Yeah, there's Jesus.

Jesus broke bread with Roman soldiers and tax collectors and I am a Christian.

Now sorry, break well, what are you King James or Old? What's your favorite testament?

I go with the septuagent.

I go with the Gideons.

Sure, yeah, gettable.

Handheld, easy, easy to access. The only time I'm religious is when I'm in a hotel.

The only time do you never come to miss miss Janiios Cristianos Guerreros they have Jehovah.

Yeah, don't do it.

I have a minor theory theological disagreement.

With about something very specific.

This is my this is what this is my little literal favorite thing. When you're like in a Wikipedia hole reading about some war from the past.

And they're like, uh, the entire war. It lasted twenty five years.

There was a war about whether the Holy Spirit was an equal part of God as Jesus and the And you're like that was the whole You thought a war about them, that's a whole Well, the Holy Spirit was like a.

Guy, Yeah, even today, it'll be about a specific, very specific thing about who was a witness to Jesus or something that like even uh, in what's the main the war that I should know more about? But I went to school in Montana, so I don't know.

Let me rattle off.

Twelve.

Yeah, the one hundred years wore Roses were the roses?

Yes, yes, what a great script. I sat on a plane next. Yeah, I was on an airplane going to Aspen for a comedy thing and the guy next to me.

I worked for the Planetageny retainer war the Roses.

The guy the guy next to me wrote that he made that movie, and my cousin Vinny, he was it was a nice guy.

It's a funny movie.

What is it? What are their names? Uh?

The stars Kathleen Turner and Michael.

Kathleen, Michael fucking Douglas.

Oh man, that was pretty good. Yeah, the last time you're.

At the heyday of Hollywood's smoking stars.

It still holds up. I watched Romancing the Stone with their work there. Oh yeah, it's not allowed. Whatever you want to do. That's the rules with motorcycles. The deal is if there's a wreck, it's not your fault, so you can rest easy at night.

If you survive it, you win it.

Yeah, exactly, which is what I've always said. Oh no, you're okay to do this. All of a sudden, surrounded by scooters.

I like that you went back to the intersection of the scooters.

I'm like, you know what, boys, I have something else to say to you.

Guys.

Yeah, which they were around for you to get your revenge.

I realized. Also, this is the worst placed Starbucks drive through of all time. Yeah, terribly placed.

Well, one of the entrances just has a chain, as if to say.

Right, the entrance that goes with the flow of traffic is like, not this one, You're gonna make a you turn three lefts Oh yeah.

That's you turn down to God damn it.

Well well then why no wonder no one's in mind? Make it easier to access.

You know what.

We're going to bring all of this up to them when we get up to that window.

Yeah, it turns out I'm the one writing a strong leg worded leather. Leather, I'm going to write it on leather.

This is mayhem. Guys.

I'm glad that we have you on again, because last time, James, you kept getting interrupted by people were climbing in the car.

Oh right, God, you drove me to l e X or something.

Yes, and fifteen different people. Oh that's kept climbing.

In It's like legendary A legendary episode.

Half half the podcast. You were on the roof.

Wait wait wait, wait, pull over. I see Eddie Peppertone edd on the side of the road.

Can we pick them up?

Okay, oh Eddie, where are you going?

He sees us.

Steve, Let me in a fucking tesla. Let me in a fucking tesla. I have a doctor's appointment and I gotta get there in a fucking tesla.

I got problems.

I I'm a working class comic.

I'm fucking working class. You know.

I always I always doubt myself, and I never doubt myself.

More than when I look in the mirror and I go.

There, you are you fuck. It's why I brought up the Julie Louis Dreyfus thing, because I wanted to bring up Eddie pet.

Don't get me started on these fucking billionaires and people of people of critics said, they say, Eddie, why do you have large scale beef with minor sitcoms.

It's because I ad for them.

All you want to do, all you want to do is sit down, I have a nice cup of Nesley cocoa or something, and just get a couple of chuckles. In before you have to go to bed, and there it is an a billionaire.

Eddie.

You've been working out, right, I see you.

H yeah, I'm working out. I'm starting an only fans so far it's just lonely fans. All right, folks, those are not the jokes. If you'll excuse me, you can drop me off here. I'm auditioning. I'm auditioning for a children's production of the Wizard of Oz.

It's the Cowardly Lion in Longland, like it dead with Burt Law. The fucks.

These fucking kids don't know how bad it's gonna get.

Thanks for the fucking ride, than Eddie.

Oh stop buying it. What do you think of Amazon?

Oh shit?

Oh well, it was nice of Eddie. I've rich James had got gotten back in the car.

I know, I know that when he's in the car, you you give him a wide berth.

Yeah, you just really got to let him have his say.

It was nice of you not to interrupt him. It was good to see Eddie.

Yeah, it's been a while.

Last time, famously he did not notice. But that was the only time we had a close call with a collision. It will never happen though.

I'm glad that you know that.

Yeah, I do know.

We are where I just Oh, I can't believe I missed the spot.

Your doctor.

No, we I but it is a medical incident right here at this part of Fountain Avenue that gets cut off by the school.

Yeah, and it's zig zags.

You have to take jog on another street to get back on the fountain.

That's where I fell off a bird scooter during the pandemic.

No, and I.

Broke my arm.

Oh shit, what'd you do?

And this bit did not make it into the special Fair outtakes.

So yeah, I was you know, it was the night that meltdown, comics burned down, Oh my god.

Wow.

And it was on a full moon.

But it was an Aquarius full moon and so I being like it was like hard hardcore lockdown, like like early August twenty twenty, and I was.

So fucking bored and crazy.

And it was an Aquarius full moon, and I, being an Aquarius, was like, it's time.

I'm gonna, I'm gonna go get it. Yes, I'm gonna, I'm gonna.

And it was like two nights in a row full moon because the full moon was at noon or whatever. So I was like, I'm gonna fucking take bird scooters around all the places that I used to do comedy.

Just remember my life.

Yeah, because you were in a panic about the future.

And I got to.

And then the second night, Meltdown comics caught on fire and it was on social media, and I was like, well, I have been planning to get on a bird scooter and drive around to the places I used to do comedy.

Might as well go say goodbye to Meltdown. So I got on a bird scooter.

If someone read between the line, it sounds like you're admitting that you're the one that burned down Meltdown.

Sure the timeline.

You thought about it the night before.

You know.

You know me, I'm a famous pirate, so I bird scooters and I'm an I am an expert bird scooter writer, you know. I like slalom my weight back when you're about to hit a bump, slow down, speed up, eyes, Like I have very alert eyes because I don't usually drive, and I'm like street all the time, so I'm like possible threats in every direction. Yeah, and I deliberately take smaller streets like not Hollywood Boulevard if you can avoid it.

And you do go side by side feet kind of slow. I'm like, you're on a.

Yeah, and I'm not even a good skateboarder.

I know that's what that do, but that's the misconception. I all I do is skateboard, but I stand side by side on those things. It doesn't make sense to have to be surface.

I thought for a second, you know if you ride you skateboard with your feet side by side, it's.

Me for seventies, look at me. No, I approve of your decisions.

So I mean I get to meltdown conks, I take pictures. At this point, I'm like, I'm gonna put her on Instagram. It's great and need some content. There's good street art right sure, I'm having memories. And I had an intention to buy a bunch of beer and then ride back home and drink it.

Flash forward.

I never ended up drinking this beer, so I wasn't drunk when it happened. But I got back on the bird scooter. I ate some food. When back when you had to be like, could you please pass the fork through the through the law?

And I got uh, I got to the I got there are they open that Chase bank? But I don't know if this branch is open.

Oh okay, somebody put look it up on your phone.

I'll do that.

What am I They've been closing without notice lately, but please don't tell the public that I have.

Oh yeah, yeah, you must love fees closing sound Yeah, alright, let's whip around that.

But they also have been closing without notice anyway. So I eat.

Something, I'm like, well, I bought these beers. Let's go home and drink them. I'm on the bird scooter. I have beers and shit in my backpack, and I'm driving down Sunset a fountain on the bird scooter, thinking to myself, Wow, it's not so bad. There's no traffic on the streets. I'm gonna get through this pandemic. There was a full moon.

I'm like singing the song from the sixties, this is the dawning of the age.

And then there's the part of fountain that you have to zigzag and the lights are not as good. And there was a full moon, but there's a lot of big trees covering the moonlight. And I didn't notice it because I was just zipping and I passed by a bunch of possible obstacles.

I never figured out what it was. There was a construction.

Site, which I went back a few days later and saw that there was like a construction site with a busted fence where a bunch of gravel had fallen into the road. So there was just like gravel and rubble and also potholes and branches everywhere.

And I was like, it could have been any of these things. Whatever it was.

I'm cruising at max speed on the bird scooter eighteen miles an hour, and then out of nowhere, dark Street hit something.

Fop and then like and I you know, I could I'd.

Never broken a bone besides like little fingers and toes, you know. And immediately I was the wind was knocked out of me. I thought I'd broken a rib. I was like, I scraped my face and my glasses flew off like.

A boy's characters. Of course, and I this is crucial.

I was wearing a fedora and I was exactly forty years old, so of course I was a forty year old fucking.

Dork in a fedora on a bird scooter.

And many people would think like, oh, you deserve to fall over it.

Yeah, And then so like I'm like, oh, wind winded and then this guy rides by and a bicycle goes are you okay?

And I go and he just keeps riding.

Yeah.

He was like, as long as he's alive, that's all I care about.

You're fine.

How'd you get to the hospital?

I got back on the bird scooter because and I had a broken right arm, which is how you knew the gas pedal part of it on that particular model.

Did you know it was broken?

I'm very proud of myself.

You should be.

I knew it was broken because it was a worse pain, right than a.

Sprain in the shape and it was like it was like swollen, oh man, you know that thing, and it hurt.

It hurt to make the bird scooter go, So I was I wasn't going eighteen miles an hour. It was like.

You might as well blocked.

Yeah, but I fucking got there.

I fucking got there, very proud of myself, like some kind of hero in action movie.

Yeah, there's nothing more badass than riding the vehicle that broke your arm to the hospital.

Yeah, continuing, you taught it a lesson.

Yeah, Yeah, And then I had I like I had to like I had to like stop and take a.

Picture of the bird scooter.

You know, make sure that it's I didn't want to be have the toll running all night.

Long, exceeding your medical buildings.

In fact, it was the same ride I didn't bird scooter was like, you're good. Did you fall off and break your arm? That happens sometimes, Yeah, keep going go to the hospital.

Yeah, you should have to put in your insurance information just to start up a bird scooter.

And I only mean these stories as recommendations for people in medical crises. If you've fallen off a bird scooter, do ride that bird scooter.

Plea.

It's why I do comedies, to recommend that people do the same things I do.

Do medical stuff. And uh, there's a we work right there up over there. It's like a place you can go and look at your laptop.

Oh, it's like a coffee shop.

We work as like a library that you pay for that.

Doesn't have It's a coffee shop with nothing to eat or drink.

But no one will shut you. I yeah, I can't believe that that happened, and that you.

Now do you know when it's going to rain now? Because of your broken arm?

I feel it.

I feel the air pressure change. But I have already had injuries in my knees that weren't breaks.

So now it's like.

And I had sliced opened my hand several years ago, and so I have now multiple there's.

A multiple alarm belts that go off when there's an air pressure.

You're a weather vein.

I feel my ankle's.

Knees, my left palm, and my right wrist.

Farmers called jams task. How Cornet's gonna you know.

You know when ducktails, how like when Gizmo Duck would lose control of his mechanical suit.

That's what it's like when it rains. I'm like, I.

Had no idea until you did the voice that there school.

Okay, it looks open.

Yeah, they do have a parking lot in there. It does not really fool They lie.

People, they do.

They lie there.

You have one or two spaces. Oh, they're gonna have also a looting zone.

Which can I just go.

In here and you know what, let's just go right there.

Can I take this microphone off while I do my Yes.

Of course, we'll just brief I leave.

I'll wire some stuff to them.

Yeah, I know. But James and his offshore accounts.

This has been an Exactly Right production produced by Analise Nelson, mixed by Edson Troy.

Our talent booker is Patrick Cottner.

Theme song by Karen.

Ke Garrett, artwork by Chris Fairbanks.

Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at dinar podcast That's d y n ar Podcast.

For more information, go to exactlyrightmedia dot com.

Thank you, Oh, You're welcome.