S4 - Ep. 1 - Karen & Chris

I leave in I you wanna way back home? Either way, we want to be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and.

Give us time and a terminol and gay aid.

We want to send you off insta.

We wanna welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it. Re scared her? Was it fine? Malborn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do your need to ride? Ride?

Do you need with Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need a ride? This is Chris Fairbanks.

And this is Karen Kilgareth.

We're in a car right now.

It's happening. Guys.

I've been so excited and it's so far lived up to the hype.

I've been excited, but I'm the one that always has to warn and be like careful and be like the one that's like, we can't do it now because of this and that. But that has nothing to do with the level of wanting to be in the car.

I'm happy to hear you say that, because I wasn't sure if you wanted.

I wanted and have since COVID began, since the first cough of covid uh splattered all over California. I was like, get us back in that car. That's where our personal brand of comedy magic happens.

And we're back.

I'm so much less liable to repeat myself because when I see it coming, when I start thinking about my cat, that's right, when a biker will cut in front of.

Us, I'll slap my hand against your.

Chest out of safety.

Safety is not repeating yourself.

It's so weird. You don't realize you miss things until they're gone. And you treating me like a book bad the book bag that might spill everywhere is such a heartwarming since the first time you did it, I mean.

How long have we been doing this, bug jaut? Do you have the night?

I'm just going to start saying a decade?

Yeah, no, eight years, eight or nine.

It might be a decade.

It might be because it's been a while. And this is the very road we first started, is it Ventura, We were coming the other way.

I was traumatized because of a story that I'm not gonna tell again, a bit of a car happening and we were in the same model. Yeah, the memories they're coming back. The Honda fit days yes, and and here we aren't a much safer vehicle. And it's so quiet, it's studio quiet. It's in here.

I said, when I was car shopping on the Auto.

Wall studio on wheels, I said, I.

Need a sound per vehicle. Can I have this same car that? I can't think of anything that records in a car besides us.

And yes, and that's.

And John Daily and John Tall John's podcasts.

There are many, now, yes, are there? It seems like, well, there's the famous Seinfeld one, but he's in like old you know, steam powered engine cars and everything you know from the sixties. There's no way that's gotta be like, that's got to be like. That's one thing we have on that possibly more famous recording is quality.

Yes, and thanks to Onalise for providing that quality of sound on.

Aalise in the back seat.

I'm so happy to be here.

Thank you for being had.

Listen. That sounded very facetious. I'm sorry. This truly is a dream come true. But that also sounds fastious.

It's hard not to sound facetious when we talk these days.

Yeah. Yeah, anytime I say something genuine, it will be easily confused for sarcasm. But I'm very happy.

We're doing this me too. And also, you know, I was on vacation for basically a.

Month last month, and so I haven't been in Los Angeles, and I think you understand that feeling of when you leave LA, you don't appreciate LA when you're here. LA when you're here, not you personally, everybody kind of hates it all the time. Yeah, you go away and you go to other places, and then you come back and you're like, no, I like it here.

Yeah. Yeah, I mean you were in Italy. I was in Italy, which is much more It's a.

Lot better than LA.

Yeah, hands down. Yeah, I was in New York. But the same thing I do appreciate here. I do like being able to just get in a car and not on a metro train. I appreciate it.

Yeah, we I mean, there's just there's positives. Here's the thing I'll tell you about Italy that was one of the funniest, slash death defying, scariest things when we were in cars. Italian drivers treat the road like it's a one way street going their way until a car comes, and then they just move over about three quarters of an inch and it is truly one of the garious, most insane things I've ever seen.

They never crash. They tailgate each other like on the highway, right up against each other's bumpers, and that's just how it's.

They're very aggressive drivers and they're also very they get they know how much space is on the outside of their car, and they don't. The roads aren't wide enough to move over any.

Further and right, they're all narrow. Right, that's a European there, I mean, that was my experience in Spain and in England, yes.

Because it's all kind of old, and you know, they're basically based on what the Roman soldiers built when they were coming through, unlike La where it's all it was all built about two months ago.

Yeah, yeah, this road is about two months old. It's a very young road.

It's young and it's wide, and I appreciate the space we have here in California. Anyway, it was just kind of funny.

There was a couple of times where we truly thought we were gonna die, but our drivers were so they handled shits so well. They there was one guy that he was driving through the mountains, uh like truly very steep mountainous roads and he was. It was a stick shift van and he was texting, so he was shifting with his left hand. He'd reach over and shift while he was texting with his right hand.

You know, I appreciate multitasking.

I mean, he could really do it. He was a real argument for men multitasking.

I'm just not I don't think I'll ever be there. I have to limit my expectations of myself because I'm a full grown adult. I don't know that I'll ever get better at juggling different things while driving.

Yeah. No, don't do any of that. Don't just focus, just focus.

Yeah, well, there must be a reason that all those race car drivers are from Italy. Yeah, they're all adept. That's a blanket statement. I'm sorry. I think it's a driver from Italy and it's like, what about me? Me out?

Oh yeah, but you know what, those people aren't stepping forward because they'd never admit it, because they're a prideful people. It's one of the many things I loved about them. It's such a wonderful country.

What about the food. Did you enjoy the food?

You know, I didn't love the food. No, just kidding, it was unbelievable.

Well, I heard that when you go get into like an Italian sausage, it's very related to a hot dog. Is that true?

Well, no, I don't think so.

There's been americanized and what we know.

Okay, No, you were talking to someone who went to a baseball game stoned.

I think right, and they thought they were they had.

Misconstructions with Italian friend.

Yes, they didn't go to Italy. They just hung out with a guy from Brooklyn, probably.

Well in Italy. What was the what was the thing that stands out the most?

Well, I was it was a thing that I was very surprised happened because I'm just not this person, never have been. I got completely hit on in the street in a way that I couldn't stop laughing because I was like, I don't know the lines for this part.

I'm never this person. And there it was like this guy came out.

Of nowhere and basically told me he wanted to get to know me. And it was one and he was beautiful and Italian. He looked like a soccer player and it was so to know you. I know, but I first of all didn't speak Italian, he didn't really speak English. He knew these phrases like I just want to know you and how long are you here? And I couldn't stop laughing because I was just like, I just didn't I couldn't believe it was happening.

Yeah, that's cartoon initially, what you've see in movies or TikTok videos exactly, you will be swept off your feet by someone on the street.

Yes, And I was kind of like, I just wasn't prepared. If I could do it again, I would do it very differently. But it was also just funny because it was he was very like, you can tell it's something he does a lot. It's like he's probably working that part of the street that's not where it really is.

Someone's eventually going to say yes.

Right, which I respect in a way.

But yeah, I was kind of thinking I would be seeing it happen too, because there's a million Americans there. There's lots of like groups of young women with their friends having the time of their life. And so I was like, yeah, sure, that's great, this is I would love to witness it. And then I got some up close and it was a real you know, I got my groove back. It was a real huge compliment and you kind of can't pay for an experience like that, or you can, but I wouldn't.

Is that just something that very rarely happens here? Because when I was in New York, that's my only comparison my European trip to New York. I found that I was having a lot of open, friendly interactions in a place where you know, historically you're supposed to like, hey, fuck you, fuck nuts stuff like that. And I made friends everywhere I went. Yeah, I'm like, is it me?

Yes, in the street, I think this, Yes, there's no love in the streets here. I think this is a tough town to be open in or have like a big smile on your.

Face in right right big eye contact.

Yeah. But you know, it's funny.

I've always found New York to be like that, where people I think because people are smashed together, they get along better. And it's like here people think they're supposed to act stuck up, so they do.

Whereas New York. It's like people will start asking. They'll be like, hey, should I buy this for my girlfriend.

In like the aisle at CVS, And then you get into a conversation.

I love it. I love it too, And I think here, especially in recent years, I've gotten so used to not interacting that it would just felt great. I love's I'm going to change this city. You start talking to people. Yeah, that's my New Year's resolution. Starting now.

It's hot girl summer for you and I. Yeah, we're gonna we're gonna bring that open energy to one of the more closed areas of the nation. Clothed.

Yes, I'm not doing this at the beach.

That's the hardest time to really be open and vulnerable.

Yeah, but I'll start by doing it indoors. But eventually I'm gonna take this openness to the streets. You should and and that's what I'll think about taking some clothes off.

Yeah, because you paste that out.

Don't do it all at once. No, No, you can't just start talking to people and get naked in the same day.

They can't process all of the you need to go in levels and stuffs. Yeah. Yeah, but also, hey, Fiat, get the fuck over and go.

Well, there's a car in front of them.

Thank you.

Also, why are you so small? Now? I get mad? Fiats have to be that small?

Sir?

Oh there's a car in front of him. I thought you meant a car coming toward it.

Oh you didn't see it was totally totally locked. Yeah, they are of the same shape. But now that they're next to each other, isn't it funny because the other car is much larger, So much larger. That's perspective for you guys.

This is a perspective that podcast listeners cannot have or appreciate.

I do think they appreciate it, our listeners. Okay, yeah, I used to worry about it. And then I've been told that specifically people like when we're talking about things happening in the street that they can't see. It's like a radio show. And well we're doing, uh, you know, fully work. I have shoes on my hands and I'm crunching on gravel. Hey, mug, and then I punched some meat. I've always you know, like shoes. I just my point is, when are we going to go the new R route

Little bit at the first all but you you came around the second time, and then I understood what you meant.

Now the fashion brand is it douau No dooya dooya?

It's doya doya. Who are you wearing tonight?

Doya no doya.

See, I've made the classic la error, as if I haven't lived here for thirty nine fucking years, getting in the left lane when you're going down Franklin under the overpass by the extra space uh RET storage facility. You do not want to be in this left lane. You get stuck here because there's left turn people. I mean it up and here comes a school bus.

You're also podcasting. If I was driving right now, and I'm not trying to put this in a position where you will always be the driver, I promise I will give it a go.

I will always be the driver.

I thank you God. I don't want to drive, please. I would be on the curve. I would be disrupting that man's abode. There's a man's abode.

There is an abode. We don't know if it's a man or a woman.

Yeah, you know what. It's put together so haphazardly. I think it reminds me of my dad and I building a deck in under eight hours.

Don't rush a deck.

No, you can't. People stand on that for so long. Yeah after Yeah, if it's a good barbecue, they'll stay.

Here's what I was going to say about our hot girl summer, that we're both agreeing to participate in.

This summer tanning. I'm going to be tanning.

Oh but we're gonna get We're gonna get lip injections, We're gonna wear tube tops, We're gonna go to every party we get invited to.

I am definitely doing that.

Okay, well I'm gonna do it too, so don't leave me out. But here's a vibe that I picked up on in Italy that when people are and I it was the men, but when they are being appreciative of women in the street, the underlying energy of it was very loving and respectful.

It wasn't creepy.

Ever.

Now maybe that's because a lot of them are wildly beautiful to a degree that doesn't make sense.

That's kind of the deciding factor.

But you have definitely met and interacted with hot people with terrible vibes that you're like, this person is dangerous. Yeah, so it's possible, but over there it felt like they were like everything was.

Kind of like, oh, look at you, ladies. It was that kind of thing where you don't normally hear.

If someone was like saying something about my parents, I'd be like, how about you don't talk about my parents and instead.

You respect my mind or some shit.

Yeah. I never said that in my life, But do you do you think that was the trick of the the accent. Yes, I think if if tone in the right tone in Italian, I would appreciate anything anyone says.

Because it has a little bit of a sing song.

They literally do have an put an a at the end of every word, because that's kind of more like their language, you know.

So it's like, uh, would you like a menua?

Really?

Uh huh? Not that bad, but no good. A general vibe of driving.

Now pass what used to be the one on one diner, some of our some of our early tune of melts, Yes, the earlier melts that we shared.

And now have you been to the Clark Street Diner. It's awesome, I have it. The food is really fucking good. It was amazing.

Well, the early meetings you had with Georgia, was there that's right. I mean so much history.

A true.

They used to have a comedy show there before it was even Redone, back when it was still kind of shitty, and there was weird curtains and stuff in there that we all would do.

I don't know if you lived in it, No, I didn't. I only remember visiting and doing laundromats with you, a series of landermats, a tradition that I'm glad has disappeared.

That was the laundrymat show was so hard and so funny, like no one did well. Everyone just would get up and eat it while other people tried to ignore them while they did their laundry.

I had decided to move here and was just visiting, and I felt like I was making a huge mistake. But yeah, I was also doing that show with you and CJ. Arabia, and I was nervous. I was. I was nervous for ten years here every time I got on stage. Now I'm nervous again because I've stopped drinking before every show. How's that going. It's been going great. Have been wanting to talk to you about it because

And when you're on stage, do you lose words or no?

No, I don't. I feel like I remember all my jokes. But I yes, I am nervous. I have that new feeling or that old feeling of being nervous every time I get on stage. But it's a good good it's a good yeah. That's energy, right, Yeah, it's energy.

That's like actually being in your own body.

And there was a number of times we recorded this podcast and I would because I was nervous, I would have a drink or two. I'm gonna admit that, and we're just talking white Claws or something. I wouldn't get hammered like the NASA episode. But that in my evac I was at a party and I suppose I knew we were podcasting that day, but it didn't stop me.

Tip having which did you say the NASA episode.

We drove and people will remember in the mountains and just ended up at a nursing.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah, yes, I picked you up from Al Madrigal's party.

That's right. Yes. And then we both auditioned to be astronauts. Auditioned, We sang and danced about the moon.

Do you want us here? We'd be really good on your moon.

I'll do anything that doesn't involved math.

Oh. Look, wait, this roundabout is news.

We're discovering new things about the town. You know what this means? Eighty percent more accidents but zero fatalities. That's the story of the roundabout.

Is that true?

That's in a roundabout. Sorry, I'm sorry.

It was a beautiful set up.

Thank you, thank you.

Well, you're welcome from me.

Thank you. I actually thought it would get quite the ground.

I hear I've made a large error on my first in car episode. Oh, I do not think we're in the right place.

Oh I think we are. I think yeah, wait a minute, you perhaps are correct.

You know what I'm doing. I'm going to Laura Milligan's old house. Do you know Laura Milligan? She might be a pre moving hair person.

Should we just break the news to Margaret and pick.

Up she doesn't live here anymore?

Oh no, she should be the news to each of them and just pick up whoever lives here. Hello, Oh oh god.

So I'll just jump on the freeway.

Missed this chaos. We went the wrong way and it feels great.

But on a last we're still recording, right. Oh yeah, Golden, that's all we care about.

Nice Okay, I stopped for nothing and then we run over someone, So we bringing us back to this pre mentioned I mean, and it's true, they really there's no fatalities here, but of course people panic and they just run into each other. Yeah, but but are you making that up or no? No? Eight more accidents?

Where are you getting this down?

Venders? From the roundabouts of my hometown of Miszoula, there was a corner where many people were hit on bicycles if they had started to be called the malfunction junction, and uh, I got them quick and the the the bikes were just kind of locked to a pole. To remind you, they were painted white and it was very sad. And then they that's where they put Misula's first roundabout and there has since there has been no fatalities anymore.

This is season four wheel Drive.

I mean that's great too, these plays, it's one of my favorite, not only in advertising but with comedy. It just turns a phrase and it's a fun surprise.

Wait, sorry, what are these two people doing? Is are they being filmed? There's two people just sitting at a table on the sidewalk.

Yeah, they're looking around, like look at me, look at me. Yeah, that's a reality show. And uh, I do too. It makes me nervous, but it makes me cry.

It's so good.

It can be most things. But I I was going to say that it's a good thing that this will no doubt be a two hour episode. Yeah, I think that that's fine.

Yes, Well, here's the thing as a podcast fan myself, when I have a podcast that I've dug into and like say, I do the dishes in the morning, then I have to stop and go do a meeting, and I get to go back to the same podcast to go to do.

Is that there's what hill?

Sorry, my book bag fell everywhere? Where was your arm on that one? I could have used a nice chest caress. Oh, we aren't doing that, windy serpentine. We're going up this blue snow here we go nice.

Oh, this is like truly some sweet ass back road ship.

We also made the decision of doing this during rush hour. Yeah, but that's because there's more fodder for conversation.

Yeah.

I think rush hour LA is the pinnacle of Los Angeles living.

Would you say, ye?

Really?

Wow, we're doing this? Oh, I'm telling you. When I said blue snake, I met look out out of my way, there's a blue snake in my lap.

Okay, when I was home, So I flew home from Italy to Pedaluma I mean to San Francisco, but ultimately got to.

Pedaluma Mill Valley and I was short driving.

With my sister and there was a guy jogging on the side of the road holding a stick with a big dead snake on it. That's something I saw as she was dropping me off to come home to La.

How hilarious is that? Like he found the snake or somebody ran over it, he was going to keep it.

Maybe he was designing a flag for society made all of snakes.

Oh, keep going, we are.

Doing this, I swear right now. We're in someone's driveway.

Yeah, a rich person. Yeah, Yeah, hello ding dong, we're here.

You were calling hello ding dong in the car.

I don't think I've ever called anyone a ding dong.

No, this person that's on the wrong side of the road, whatever in.

Progress, whatever you were to the right.

This is exciting.

Yeah it is.

I've been up here.

This I'm I really have to say again. I'm I'm excited for has to be back in the car. This is Uh. At first I felt like I was nervous, almost like I was doing a new thing. That seems so it's just great to be back.

Yeah, it really is.

There's lady helping her child. He's not in the stroller. He refuses to get in the stroller.

You wanted to look at a rock. That thing babies love to.

Do towury snakes. They love picking them up, hold.

Them on a stick. But what if that was a baby that was jogging with the snake on a stick. Look at that cool house Hong Kong.

I can see, yeah, doing karate in there. You're silhouette.

Hey, mister Miagi.

Yeah it's very Miagi like that looks like very Oh there's a dojo up there.

Whoa, there's a lot of nice houses up here. Yeah.

That's one thing about driving in the city. I want to scream what the hell do you do for a living to everyone?

Yeah.

When you first move here, you think, oh, all these houses, it's rich people because they're movie stars. No, a lot of those A lot of those movie stars just rent an apartment.

Yep, they can't afford it.

These people work on augmenting chins, or they get murderers off or uh you know, jobs like that.

If the glove doesn't fit, you must have quit down, black.

Up, turned right, Yes I should be doing this. Yes you should and I well, now forever you're a navigator.

Look at this.

We're coming up on a park. Will turn right.

Okay, yeah, perfect, we're gonna dump out of Oh. I see where we are.

I see where we.

Are too, I see more.

Look at this great Oh wow, we really did circumvent this is.

The park Griffith Park, Yes, it is. It's a it's a large park. There's about three Griffith Parks in this city, and it took me a while to realize they were all one park. Yeah, you can just approach it for so many different areas. There's a mountain in the middle as far as I know, and uh, it's a great place to picnic or just hang out bush and try and meet new people.

Bring that open energy to this any kind of a bush or shrubbery.

I'm doing it. Twenty twenty three, that's this is the year. Yeah, to leap out and surprise people with my presence in their life.

How's your height? You yell real loud, all at once.

That's the thing. I just bit my tongue. I'll try to ignore it. That's the thing in New York that I didn't expect. I was so sore every single day. Yeah, because all you do is ride city bikes and walk and run to trains. And my watch was freaking out, like, who is this new? Who are you? Jim Fits it said, in case you need a reference to.

No one, Jim Fix.

He wrote about being healthy and then died.

Jim Fix.

Jim Fix two exes.

Really he was the jogger guy that died of a heart attack while jogging.

Yes, yes, there was a Bill Hicks joke about him dying around the same time as Yule Brenner in the contrast and their lifestyles and basically you should just live your life because they both died. Yeah, yes, so true, but oh lost my train of thought. Beautiful park is what I say.

Same if we're going to equate my New York City Italy trip. Yes, same where Adrian had her fit bit and we were walking twenty thousand steps a day. Yes, because we were just hauling ass all over every city we were in.

That's what I heard from my friend who lied about the hot dogs, is that they were and everywhere people who were actively eating hot dogs left and right. No, that have so many just ballpark franks and everyone was like fit yes because there's so much walking. And I realized not to keep bringing up New York. But I haven't been to Italy, and I like to steam roll your possible stories.

I think they really kind of jigsaw puzzle piece very nicely together.

Yeah. Yeah, because they're both on a grid system.

Also in Italy.

I'm going to be the person I talked about Italy for I like you after I come back, but they and now so I'm.

Like, hey, was that person Italian? Then I just saw it a.

Yeah, yeah, you want them here.

I'm like Jacomo Choo choo.

The food there is all so beautifully farm fresh and whole whole food that you're walking a ton and then you're not eating preservatives and chemicals and shit that is a huge thing, and you can't. There's not a lot of processed food available. Like there was one store that was almost like a novelty shop of snacks. It had some snack name and that's where all the chips were. And other than that, the only really like food you had to go to like a you know, a stand or a restaurant or whatever.

Wow, there wasn't like.

It was like American themed. Welcome to this heavy breathing America. I'd like that my attempt at the accent to be stricken from the record.

I'm sorry it has to go on the permanent record. That's just the rules.

I wonder if all fr conversions does is make a giant black metal billboard for a bumper. I see, it's quite the conversion.

Do you what are they trying to keep mud off of their license plate?

In the back of this Toyota family wagon has basically a snowplow, And that's the conversion.

But oh, the license plates up there, I see.

I was about to say, you can't cover your license plate like that, but it's directly in front of my stay.

Yeah, it's it's it's bright and clearly inside.

Fr conversions is so distracting that I couldn't spot the license plate.

That's why they do it so they can have made the coppers.

That's the conversion.

Yep.

That's like it's like James Bond style where it's like, right, we fucked with your mind.

Now you can't report us.

Do you remember in Cannonball one or two, or perhaps it was three, which everyone had dom Delouise, they would they had a car they were they were driving haphazardly and they were getting pulled over and they had they had a Lamborghini or something. It was yellow, and then they pulled over and washed the paint off, and then all of a sudden it was white. And then the

A crime that's coming up, Oh yeah, the one you're planning. Is that also for Hot Girl summer? Because I don't know if we can do all those things.

Yeah, no more rules, and that includes those of the law.

Okay, okay, the ultimate rules, not just societal Okay.

But I am gonna be more open to take my clothes off more and I'm going to start doing home invasions.

Thanks to FR conversions.

Yeah, thank you FR Conversions, which is so many free commercials. I hope the people that pay for real ones don't get upset.

But if if this basically what looks listener like a black piece of plastic someone shoved up under their back bumper, that says FR Conversions at the bottom, If that's the advertisement, what are they advertising?

I think now that I'm looking at it, and it's grippy nature that comes out at an angle, comes down and becomes an access ramp. Oh yeah, oh, and we both learned something and I appreciate what everything f our Conversions does.

Now I understand conversions conversions.

If you need a ramp on your car, that also kind of looks like you could maybe kill people with it, or I did the.

Law right, which I bet you. I bet you.

People with disabilities or other abilities, they they're sick of just something looking like kind of technical. Yeah, they want something a little sexier.

Yeah, probably, and that even though it's out of our lives forever now, Yeah, it's somehow gotten some pob lane. Where the hell did that family go?

But you know what, they f are converted right the fuck to the right, and now they're gone and we don't remember their license plate.

I think there was a two in it.

Yeah, we could have read that out loud. I smell a lawsuit we should. We're in. As I mentioned before, that rush hour traffic. I don't think it's a bad thing. I just it is something that's happening. It is people work. I forget about nine to five jobs, traditional humans.

We haven't had.

To deal with this level of traffic on the show right in three and a half years.

And we used to be really good at it. Need I remind you of the times we used to go to the airport and drop people out. I cannot believe we ever did that.

It was so kind of us, it really was.

That's why I say, I can't believe it because we've become so unkind.

The pandemic shrunk our hearts like two grenches mm hm. And that's the other thing we're fighting against this summer is basically the smallness.

Of the pandemic. Yeah, and I think it's we're going to get it solved in this traffic.

Yeah, we're certainly by the end of the episode, we're going to have this.

Yeah, because this episode's going to be four and a half hours long. If this traffic gets any.

Worse again, any anything. And I'm speaking for myself when I mentioned something there's a lull or I make zero sense, we can just trim that out right in the least.

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.

That'll be fun. Editing's fun.

It's fine.

Some it's a passion to find the walls take them out.

For some, it's a passion. So when you were in New York, did you do shows?

I did? And I loved every minute of it. I did you kill I did? I felt great. And you know, I'm not one to be braggadocious.

I asked, so you had to answer that.

I've really felt like I was doing well and I felt comfortable, and I was like well, this joke will work. I'll do this one. And I realized it was just all my favorite jokes were working, and all the ones I've done to be relatable on the road or to get a cheap laft or involve my passion of Genitalia, none of those needed or they weren't appreciated. People would celebrate the ones that I liked, and it made me think, Man,

Well, it's a very human to entertain that idea when you're killing right right.

It's like, but the minute I have four roommates and we're all in bunk beds and.

You're hanging your bike from the ceiling. Yeah.

That was something I saw in a Brooklyn apartment one time, and I was just like, guys, I don't know if this is worth it.

You're hanging a bunch of shit from the ceiling.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's like you live on a submarine.

Yeah. And I saw a friend that I was golfing with here and he had moved back to New York, and I said, no, do you golfer he's like, oh no, I'm done doing that. Like you can't. There are certain things that I would have to sacrifice and I don't think I can do that.

Yeah, you need to be outside.

I do. I'm an outdoorsy guy. Yeah, the lion needs to get walked, that's right, or or if not, it gets frustrated, needs to remind folks that he's king of the jungle.

I hate to interrupt you, but is that jim Iroquay.

That's spiritual insanity for you to have said that. That is the I want that hat. I love that that person's wearing that hat.

Oh wait, there's another kicky hat. Look at her. Did you see the woman?

Are we in that hat neighborhood? Oh wow, yeah, that's more of a.

Oh we must be. We must have just crossed the line into Silver Lake.

Here we are. Yeah, guys, silver Lake is the landa.

Hat also a bunch of seventy five year old women with very hip hats. If it were nineteen ninety two, awesome.

I love the dreamier a quay. Am I saying that white? Am I saying that white dreamier a quay. Anyway, The point is not drinking makes you a sharp communicator. Dreamier a quay, am I saying that white Yes you are, Yes, sir, you are indeed saying it in the whitest way and.

The whitest way you came.

I love Jamia Quay. I love how he dances that conveyor belt.

What if that was you actually channeling the woman who was wearing that hat? And that's what she says all the time.

I love Jimmy ra Quay and people are like, ma'am, just ring up your stuff at the self check, gut and go.

She only goes because of the conveyor belt. But the time she tried to dance on it was not well received.

We're going to have to call our guest and be like, hey, so do you actually want to do this two hours after we set the time for.

Yeah. I am a little nervous because I feel like today's guest is going to be Margaret Cho I'm just going to go ahead and say it might as well. She has done so much that it's hard to believe she isn't someone that probably has something else to do today.

She absolutely probably does. But you know, like we were going to drive her to the market. I believe, yes, But if we don't have enough time we can just drive around with her and be like, hey, we can get a solid thirty minutes out of you.

Chris and I just put in an hour hour. So whatever whatever she can.

Give us will tape, right, and if and if, even if it's not recording, and I'm going to make this promise to her without her even being in the car, we will still take her to the market. Yeah how about that?

Sure, absolutely, you've done that already.

I mean I've in a non podcast environment, it said, okay, I will still There's been times where the recording didn't work out, but we still did an airport drop up.

Oh right.

I think that has happened. And I've personally, I've picked people up and they thought it was going to be the podcast.

And you're like, no, this is your star friendship.

I thought you just wanted to ride. Why everyone wants something?

Why are you? Why do you want me to record you all the time?

Yeah, all the time as well? You're sleeping to figure out your sleep cycle?

Okay.

The reason to record someone sleeping.

Oh right, just to see if they have or or.

Have they blurt out good ideas in their dreams that you can steal. That was going to be. My invention is because I always think of funny, good ideas when I'm dreaming, and the minute I wake up, I'm back to my dull day brain. So I wanted an apparatus that the minute I woke up, a Pulley system would yank me out of bed, something else like a Rupe Goldberg machine, shoot a pen in my hand, immediate piece of paper, and I would write down jokes. This was an invention.

Give me an example of one of these great ideas.

Well. There are so many times that I've woken up and I'm like, that's such a funny idea, or that's a great idea, or I just drammed a movie, and then one minute later I've forgotten all of it. I do not remember my dreams. I just don't. And so I thought, maybe in that little window of time, if I immediately was able to write, cell phones have changed it. I got things in my notes. They never make sense, but I do immediately write them.

I mean, because that was what I was going to say.

I remember having very specifically having a dream, because I do remember my dreams, and it's all kind of nonsense. But I do remember one time when I very first started stand up. I think maybe it was younger, and I dreamed I was in the Mervins in our town, but I was up on stage in the center of Mervins and there was I was like doing comedy.

So this was a nightmare.

It was I didn't know yet that that kind of show would be horrible, and it was in the round even worse. And I said this thing about penguins, and everybody like lost their minds. And when I woke up, I was like, should I write that down? I'm like, no, it's fucking blather. Like that's how dreams work, where you're in a different reality where people would think that was fun.

Yeah, there's only been a handful of times where it actually was a good idea.

Yeah.

Usually it's just your brain convincing you it's a good idea.

Yeah, and it's blather. But that's okay because then that enables you to go to New York and make it there and make it anywhere.

You know what, people love penguins, Karen.

They're funny as hell.

They are they are dressed up for formal events, they walk hilariously, they have their own books. No, I just I went from what the fuck are you talking about to seeing that perfect little logo, and and then and then I thought that the shirts, and then like, do they make those shirts too? Yeah, penguins.

Penguins are super fucking relatable.

Yeah. They it's a rich area. They love once and they can't walk backwards, and they only love once and never again. They're loyal and they're not afraid to stand up for their friends.

Oh really yeah.

Oh if you push a little penguin over and you will want to because it's funny to see him fall, their friends will all gang up. I've seen it in videos. I haven't experienced it. They will, they will. They will dive in for a friend that falls in the ice. They they're very loyal.

And you got all of this from your friend, mister Popper.

Yes, doctor pimple Popper. Hey his side interest as penguins, Yeah, I got. I get most of my stories.

From the doctor from that good.

When we pick up Margaret in the morning, do you think we should offer breakfast?

We're just rolling along at this as, as Meryl Streep said, a glacial.

Pace here just I mean, we're at the height of LA traffic four forty eight pm. Everybody's out looking around. Everybody knows it's hot girl summer. You can tell the energy from these cars. Yeah, everybody's got their eyes peeled.

They are just so horny.

Chow Bella, they all say.

Is that Italian? It's Italian and it means what does it mean?

Put it together? You know what choo means.

Goodbye and bella. I'm guessing your name is Bella. I don't know, No, I don't know what bello.

Choo is a little bit of a loha.

For Italy, it's hello and goodbye, okay, although I learned that they don't say it as much as Americans say it to them. Oh but uh chio Bella means hello, beautiful.

Oh okay, Well that I should You're right. I should know that because of my niece. Her name is Bella. Oh really Isabella, which means is a beautiful. Oh god, you know I've enjoyed myself from that that loving self snort rears. It's ugly giant nostrils. I'm sorry, but thank you. So we're gonna want to get in these right lanes. You already know that.

I do.

I feel like people obey.

This car kind of. It's a little bit like you have to fight your way in well you're.

Doing a great job.

Thank you.

Oh my gosh, your little map has other little cars. Yeah, it's like frogg er yeah, no, frogs. It's like, don't go over there. Oh they're gonna do it.

Oh we're turing right or are we getting on the freeway. We're getting on the entrance of the freeway. Yeah, I five, which is up ahead a little bit. Oh yeah, so we don't. We don't have to go over there to go five south.

Yeah.

Oh that's there, motherfucker. So roll down your window and put your arm out.

I will do that. I've never done that.

Can we get over?

Can we get in there?

Hi?

They have tinted windows. I don't know if they were open or receptive.

Hi.

Oh no, no, they are not open or receptive.

Hi.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Good job.

I find that if I just save HI over and over, smiling like.

Ridiculous, that car didn't know what we wanted or needed.

Well, there was they it was not within the confines of the law. That that shade of tint was way too dark.

They couldn't see out.

Yeah, and and god knows what they were doing in there.

And so I'm going to take a left after.

The slice, we're going to cross under hyperion. Okay, then take an immediate left.

Perfect a couple. It's literally going to be dark when we get.

To It's okay, it's it's it's we've we've had some time off. We've had some time off and we we didn't. It's okay. We'll get better, hopefully.

Our friend Mark, we've known for a very long time.

You've known You've known her very well. I'm she's a new friend, Yes, I hope, I think so. It's I'm she is such an icon in comedy that she's someone I'm nervous around, much like I am when I meet a pro skateboarder. I look up to her. But most comics it isn't that way anymore, you know. But with with Margaret, it is that way, and that of course it's a compliment.

She is the kind of person that'll be like, you know, if she can't, if it doesn't work for her, she'll let us know, and she mostly probably doesn't care, right, I would imagine, yeah, especially because she knows me, and I'm the kind of person that's like, hey, I went to your old house and she's like, uh huh, Because that's.

The kind of thing I do.

And now we're just getting right onto the five South to complete gridlocked traffic. Oh man, Oh the big old jacked up trucks.

That's interesting.

Yeah, that's not northern California bro behavior.

Normally, those guys try to shoot at you.

Yeah, it's a shame that I think that of trucks now, but I do like that is a jacked up truck. There's a firearm and the guys socks are going to be pulled up to his knees.

Yeah, although socks to the knees, that's also skateboard behaviors.

I know.

It's a fine line, you know. Whether it's depends on the foot That's when I have to investigate the footwear.

And then what does the footwear tell you? Cowboy boots with tall socks, Yes, then you know you're in danger.

No, that's someone that shouldn't be operating a motor vehicle. If you have got my boots with socks, well maybe that's just a cowboy on summer on summer, hot, a.

Hot cowboy on summer.

I have been thinking about getting boots. I was in Austin and I did look at some. I'm glad I didn't pull trigger on them.

But as a person with wide feet, I can't consider that's they're just not for me.

Yeah, it's one of those shoes like a crop where someone says, oh, they're so comfortable. I'm like, in spite of them not being comfortable, they're surprisingly comfortable.

They somehow are defying the laws of physics.

That's being comfortable.

Comfortable if the heel's made of a block of wood.

Also, it's like, I get they're comfortable if you are a cowboy that does a certain job. Right, ma'am, what are you doing?

She's just preparing for the inevitable merge.

When go now, go now? That is a seventeen year old case bug. Oh for an eighty year old. It helps when you're looking for your car in a parking lot.

Yeah. I used to write my name on my underwear so you.

Can find them in a parking lot.

Yeah. At times that's where I wake up. Its chances are all eminence points where that's where my underpants are?

Where am I?

And then you check your the underpants band and you're like Chris Fairbanks doing fine.

Yeah, it's like memento. Everything I need to know about myself is in my underpants. I've always said that since I was a child in Italy. Do they drive on the opposite side of the road? Is at a dumb question? They don't. It's not a dumb question.

It was a smart question.

Yeah, because I assume we all had.

The same question, and then we were very grateful that it was the crux side of the road because we didn't think we could take the fear element of the style of driving combined with being on the other side.

Yeah, it's I mean, I've talked about it in a million times, but the time I had to drive in a commercial on the wrong side of the road and added to that where old men on bicycles and sheep and very narrow roads like you said, and yes it's a one lane road.

Yeah.

Everywhere yea, in England.

And in Italy, there's lots of bicyclists.

So like say we went to Lake Como and it's real windy, windy, windy, seems like it's a one way street. Then there's like a pod of bicyclists on the side, so the driver gets over and then a car's just coming straight at it.

Also, they do a lot of passing on windy mountain roads. Just blind like curve passing.

Oh that scares me.

It's scary, It's real scary. But then you've got this kind of Italian Stathum esque driver, like the one I told you about the cold text and drive and stick shifted.

Did he look like Jason Statham?

He had the vibe of Jason Stathum. Oh, I want to be over there, and I don't want to be killed.

You're doing Oh cars, got some get up and pap does Look at these guys. Wow, they don't care.

Totally allowed this way right nor yes?

Yea, yeah, okay, I have no help. I'm so sorry.

That's all right.

Uh you're doing the more confirming after the fact.

Yes, yes, I'm just yes. And it's funny that Lake Cuomo. I did not. I do not think of Italy. I think of Perry Cuomo. It just doesn't. When you said Lake Como, I just think about the state New York or something. And is there another Lake quot? Very am I saying that.

Yes, it's Perry Como, it's it's Andrew and his brother whatever Cuomo. Yes, you're right about the state of New York and Cuomo, but in Italy it's Como or like the lake.

Is Como you had me with. I'm right about the one in New York because I know I pulled that state out of my ass hat.

Good job. Okay, tell me the exit.

Now we stay on the freeway for four point four miles.

Great, hall ass up here.

Yeah, boy, car's got some Peppini step.

Yeah.

And there's your old car. Yeah there is, Jason Memories.

Look at this lunatic like speeding and breaking. Sir, what are you doing?

Yeah, that's like double footing. You can't be double footing.

Don't double foot not in front of me.

Oh, you're good at driving, smooth transition into lanes, right, you drive with purpose and it feel safe. Okay, good, and I'm not being sarcast Okay, good.

Yes, this is a real adventure.

This is a true kickoff episode one season four Wheel Drive.

This is what I needed. There's rare, rarely times where I feel anxious or like I'm gonna screw up when we're doing it for Zoom, which just makes for better, better storytelling. And that's what we're here to do. We're here to tell us.

Story We're the succession of podcasts.

Yeah, we really are. And this is not our grand Finelle quite the opposite the premiere season four wheel.

Trow four wheel drive.

Oh enjoyable. Did you stay in the same place the whole time you were in Italy?

No, we went to We were in four different places, so we went to Tuscany, we went to Florence, we went to Chinkatara on the coast, and then we went to Lake Como.

At the end. Oh man, I bet it's beautiful. They would like a slide show on the projector Okay, I know you own not because of Mac and Me. That was the old one, but it's been replaced with a newer model. I was sent one, but I don't have any white walls to screen my own Mac and Me.

Oh, that's right.

That would be really funny if I invited people over to show them my vacation pictures.

I think you should style. It's something that people used to be a joke, like, oh no, we have to see the slides. Like that would something as a child, there would be fondue and my parents would actually show slides. I don't know where all these photos have gone, because I don't even know what I look like as a child anymore.

I think they probably donated them all to like.

Very sought after my child's photos, especially the ones who later hosen.

God I was a kid kid there were There's a guy on TikTok that goes and finds people's old vacation slides and then puts the slides together on TikTok, which I think is awesome.

And because someone offered to find my crosswalking, I already searched, so I know they're very difficult to find. But someone did offer to research and find through microfiche. I guess newspaper stuff, old photos.

Oh that's good. Is it starting to rain a little.

We're getting some weather.

It's been driving so long, the weather change.

Yeah, I did want this podcast. The one thing that was missing was possibly slippy streets. And by that I mean slippery.

Yeah.

Oh we got a case of slippy streets. Uh, be careful, gonna say it a third time.

Slippy streets.

My favorite certain words just have a nice cadence. Slippy streets is one.

Jamira quay is another.

Yes, Oh god, that was a beautiful have What was that cagle?

It looked like a furry cagle.

I wonder if I could get away with that.

A lavender furry cagle. That woman was doing it right.

You know that she loves that hat. And I wish we had been on foot so we could go great hat, could she'd be like a woman? And Arthur, Oh, I know I've heard.

Is that a line in Arthur?

Yeah, he's drunk and he's about to say he and Susan will not be getting married. He was just beat up by Susan's father and he didn't know what to say. Felt awkward. Everyone's staring at Arthur and he's limping and bloodied. And there is a lady with a floppy hat that she was already complimented by the great Liza Minelly yep, and so just back to back compliments on this floppy hat and she was just elated. So I'm my point is always compliment Oh yeah, that's great lady's hat. Because

Also, I think these days, you know, trunds come big, bold, and you might find yourself wearing a like a bolero in the.

Middle of the day.

It does feel pretty risky, like you think it's a good idea because it's what everyone else in social media is doing.

Yeah, then you're just.

Out and about with like a big old wide brim hat on.

Yeah, and a lot of times. And I've done this myself, like someone along have a loud, complicated shirt and I'm like, great shirt, when I really don't think so at all. I just know they went out on a limb. They're like, I'm gonna wear my shirt with purple and mustard.

Yeah, you're saying, great idea to risk it.

Yes, I'm supporting your your your bad taste, your freedoms. But boy, you have bad taste. I leave that part out.

I'm supporting your freedoms, your varied freedom. Oh we have a.

God. We got to turn on the scanner. That would add to the chaos.

I'm gonna drive by this guy.

Real, he's evading. I believe we're No, he's just over in orderly fashion. But at first it looked like an evasion. Oh well, they don't have to pull over. That's just a college campus cop. Nope, community yep, Glendale Community College cop. You don't even need to pull over.

What did that girl do, Glen?

Oh no, this is the Glendale Community College it is.

She was doing Glendale Community College stuff, probably looking at her notes on her phone. She's studying for a test while driving.

He's like, I know you you have some libraries books that are overdue. Yeah, yeah, put your hands on the hood.

A lot of people forget that's a jailable offense.

Do you know that?

When I was little, I checked out like eight Encyclopedia Brown books and then I didn't return them, and I knew they were overdue, and then they just put them in the back of my closet and never told anybody, and they stayed there for months, And my mom's like, what was the plan here? Like why wouldn't you just tell me and we would go to the library.

Were you at an age where you didn't realize you were costing her money?

Yes, young enough to not understand the fines. But also.

I think it's a good reflection of how my sister and I were often left to our own devices to fix things that were actually adult level problems. Right, So then it was like, oh shit, I don't I can't get to the library, and I don't have the money to pay for this, so I'm just going to hide the books.

Yeah, yeah, that's I had a roommate that if a pot or a pan got burnt or was uncleanable, he just put it in our clothes washer and then you'd find it later with last of us mold on it. But then you said Encyclopedia Brown books. I thought Brown Encyclopedias. But Encyclopedia Brown was a child sleuth.

Yes, a real smart boy that.

Just kind of new trivia stuff and that would help him solve.

Mysteries around town.

Oh really, yeah really? Oh really? Well, I was thinking trivia. It's not like, what's where is Lake Pomo? And then he's like the murder weapon is here?

He's like, it's Lake Cuomo.

Uh I should uh? I all these childhood books I never even read back then.

You didn't know too cool?

Yeah, for school, and there was a lot of reading at school. Yeah, I want to stay cool.

Yeah, and so I didn't. Uh you said fuck it?

Yeah okay, but still good ease A lot of people had.

Did you have ease for excellent?

He asking you for unsatisfactory?

No, that sounds like some montessory bullshit.

Yeah it does, Yeah, yeah, it really does. We created our own lesson plans. Lesson plans.

Yeah, I hope that cop isn't gonna pull me over.

Well, we were driving like community college kids.

Okay, Now we just go all straight down the street. Now I know we're.

Yeah, we used to drive in this neighborhood too.

Yeah.

It's the only way I see the city I live in is through this podcast.

And so it's great that we're back in the car.

Yeah, it is. It is. It's gonna make me appreciate where I live. It's right up that road.

Okay, So should we tell her we're herehow?

Yeah?

On a Lisa's on it.

It would be so funny if Margaret came out with like old age makeup on.

That's just what she's doing with your time waiting. Look at her old timey mailbox. So cool. Well, should we practice our apologies on each other?

Yeah, okay, Hey, I'm so sorry, Chris and Anally's got to my house and I was blow drying my hair, which is a classic move of mine.

So you're gonna take ownership. Yeah, that doesn't mind, doesn't work, because I was gonna blame it on you. I had uh, I had at court Jerry duty. Yep. Then I'm gonna use that.

Oh you had it like this morning?

Oh wow? It's a nice house.

Oh yeah, she has a beautiful home.

It is beautiful and well, there she's coming down the walk, yay, wearing a long gray wig. This has been an exactly Right production.

Produced by Analise Nelson, mixed by Edson Choi. Our talent booker is Patrick Coottner.

Themed song by Karen Kilgarritt.

Artwork by Chris Fairbanks.

Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at dinar podcast That's d y nar Podcast.

For more information, go to exactly rightmedia dot com. Thank you, Oh you're welcome.