S3 - Ep. 9 - Chris and Karen

Are you leaving?

I you wanna way back home? Either way we want to be there. Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a terminal and gay. We want to send you off InStyle. You wanna welcome you back home?

Tell us all about it.

We scared her? Was it fine? Malforn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Ride?

Do you need.

With?

Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need to ride? This is Chris Fairbanks.

And this is Karen Coilgarove.

Hello, my friend Karen.

Hello Chris and Montana. How's it going?

I am in Montana? How did you know?

Wait? Should I not blow up your spot?

Is?

The children like to say?

You know it's okay. I think I'm safe here.

Knock knock, knock, knock knock.

You probably noticed all the brothers and sisters of your painting that can that sounds weird?

Yeah, I don't think they're related. The related, it's it's.

All the cousins and the second cousins of my Pike Pike Place painting.

Yeah, the extended farmers market acrylics. Yeah, I am at my dad's and it's really comforting, and there's glasses in every room.

Yeah.

I didn't know going blind could be so convenient.

I mean, you can get those glasses at any CVS. You too, can live that way for not an expensive price.

I do.

Yeah, I have three pair and I literally shove them in my pocket and then sit down.

I've just been going through them, you snapping them right in half.

I guess I gotta get a little carrying case, maybe a fanny.

Pack, maybe immerse a man bag. You know what I won't do postman satchel.

A chain around the what do you call that?

A pouch on a chain.

The glass when someone has them on the ready like it says.

I thought we were still talking about different kinds of purses for men.

Yes, I see, you mean like Libra serious lyby.

Wait a minute, I think we just accidentally invented something. It's a tiny purse that you wear like a medallion around your neck.

That has to exist.

I meant to be not in the high fashion world.

Don't you think there's some that are like solid gold, but they're like Grandma's change purses at the end of a really huge chain.

Oh my god, that would be the best. This is what I want for Christmas.

Let's bring back the coin purse.

You know what my mom had that I really wish I could find is she used to have a little watch at the end at the bottom of a necklace as a pendant in the seventies. So she'd wear a turtleneck and then a gold long chain that came down to a little You popped it open and it was just a little circle clock.

Yeah. Such, I fully support that. Which and I used to want a pocket watch, and that quickly got taken over by not the hipster world, but like the steampunk guys that wear a top hat with goggles.

And yeah, you couldn't just have a pocket watch with some dockers. You'd have to really rack it up with a bunch of other props.

I mean, this might get lost because this is a visual and we're dealing with audio entertainment.

But look at these audio only Look at.

These fucking pants, Karen, Look at these Oh these pants.

Chris have new doctors. Let's see he's coming up in the screen.

Look at them close.

See the embroidered what are those American eagles.

Vacation jeep wagoneers with a canoe on top?

What the fuck? Yeah? What the fucking deed? Oh? Have you been shopping at lban What is that?

You know what? That's a good guess. A long time ago, my dad had a pair of Ralph Lauren khakis that had just intermittently embroidered pheasants. I think, sure, yeah, And I borrowed him and I was the hit of a wedding. The bride almost left the groom for me. They were such nice pants, and I and in looking for a present for my dad. You did just notice I'm wearing the pants right now. But I was trying to find those all over embroidered pants and I it's out.

They're gaunt.

No one, Ralph Lauren's not making them ll beans out. Eddie Bower's busy putting their name on the side of a Ford Explorer.

Yeah, they're too busy with their cars to worry about embridered pants. Also, I think that look because J Crew had closed like that a lot too, And you might want to look, but I feel like that style that was very like it basically kind of tried to put a plant a flag in what year would it have.

Been two thousand and nine.

Right, yeah, that's a guest just slightly over a decade ago. All the race.

It's just like it's not nostalgic yet. It's still dorky, right, but these ones, I'm sorry to say that because you're actually I just realized you're wearing the pants. Those ones look great.

No, you, I knew that when you said it's still dorky. You weren't talking because I saw your hair blow back when you saw these tiny jeep wagoneers. And then I got a pair with little mooses.

For my sued that they were at the jeep Wagoneers were American flags, and that immediately had a strange maga vibe where I was.

Like, how long have you been? Okay, you very much?

You know exactly the brand of this company where I found them, because goddamn right, they have little American flag pants. That's one of the things they make, and pumpkins and little Christmas trees. But because I looked up this is the weird point of my story. Actually, you and I both know there's no point in my story, but I I was trying to find those pants on my computer, and then the ad for these pants just came up on my phone. So the cookies. Don't eat the cookies.

Oh I got you? Yeah, sorry they I thought that was a drug reference.

No, I found this is a weird. There was this guy that he lives in like Nantucket or Rhode Island his name because they're posing in Vermont in front of a snow capped house and there's kids ice skating. I thought it was some uh, trust fun guys that got famous on Instagram, but it's these beautiful photos. But then I read about the guy and he he just became a vintage clothing guy while he is mowing lawns and

It's just that's their merch can do you want to say the company? Or are you not saying?

Oh, it's I just can't remember his name. It's keeled James Patrick. And these pants. I have a feeling I'm going to be saying it a lot because these pants people have been lowering their sunglasses. A group of construction workers stopped working to whistle at me. Yes, and it was cold outside, baby, it was cold outside.

But they rubbed their hands together and they blew into a little a little whistle fire they were making for themselves, and they made it happen.

Yeah. Yeah, they really, I really put a spring in their step. And then they finished that building today on time and under budget because my pants were so beautiful.

Because your embroidery inspired them to build.

Yeah, and grow, it's inspirational. Have you purchased yourself any new clothing in lieu of family members who you should have been shopping for?

I am the worst. I mean, we're recording this. You're going to hear this in the jam. Yeah, in the new year, but it's still pre Christmas for us. I always like to be honest.

People thought I was just now dealing with COVID. We are revealing that we aren't recording this the day before. I think it's okay to admit that.

Yes, there's no shame in.

My anxiety attack that I had during the Dungan dressle But that just aired, and so people are and now asking me if I'm feeling okay, which I really appreciate it.

By the way, well what choice do they have because that was you went into a full medical meltdown. And also again I will say, those are moments, content moments that we should aim for. If you have a test and you have the dout, you have to take that test on the air.

I wish that we were recording. When I did take an at home test, I let it sit out too long, more than five minutes, and there was a pink line. So I did have COVID for five minutes. Then I went and bought two more tests that same day and they were both negative.

And you fucked it up, you know.

I did the same thing where I got I just bought two tests at the store because I'd been feeling tired, like sluggish and tired, but not a lot else. And so I was like, yeah, but what if the this is that kind one of those ones is real subtle.

So I took the test, but you know the part where you have to drip in.

Exactly six drops of liquid, Yeah, in the little hole. Yeah, I drip in my exactly six drops And then was like, did they all go directly in or did I lose some on the sides. Therefore, should I put another drip or two? I ended up putting in eight drips instead of six. And then when it went the whatever it's called the constant or whatever that term is for the one line that immediately pops up right and then you're

Yeah, yeah, six goops of coffee.

But by the time I get to six, I always I'm like, is that enough? I don't think it is, And then I put in seven.

I do it all the time.

Yeah, I can't just do the number that I'm supposed to do.

Well, imagine what it's like for me. You're good at multitasking. If I'm doing a thing and even a thought goes into my mind, I just walk away. And for do you know how many times I've put grounds in the filter and then just went on with my day.

That's a smart never hit, never hit power like, never hit thought.

About it, never got water, something happened. It's not like the phone's ringing. It's not the nineties.

It's the twenty twenty ones, where everything is about as adhd as it possibly could be.

Yeah, god, we have an excuse now. It's great.

It's a really good you know, because I kept saying to my sister, I just want to make sure I don't have COVID, and.

She goes, you don't. You never leave your house. How could you have COVID?

She goes, you're just legitimately tired, and I was just like, oh, yeah, I guess that's true too.

But you saw me and my brain shot down right when we were recording with people love that episode, which then I take it personally it's like, well I was silent. I was having an episode.

Yeah, that's the people are trying to tell you to be quiet on your own podcast.

They are, I think that's even though they're saying I love your part and a bunch of other nice things, and how are you I know it's a.

Jab, that's right.

It's actually a manipulation. They're trying to get you, trying.

To get everyone's out to get me, They're out to get you.

I can't believe I let them know I'm in Montana. They're gonna get me. But I h yeah, I do recall now that you mentioned it. When I was doing those six drips into my COVID test out of habit I did drip one into.

My eye and then one on the tongue.

Just see what happened.

Yeah, and it did not make the redness go away? On that line? I think it's the control line? Is it the That's what I was looking for. Yeah, I spent a lot of time in skiance class.

But did I say control?

You said? I said, another sea word, another seaword? Oh yeah, you said the cunt line. I said, sorry, Hey, you know that's a that's it?

Do you need to ride first? That we threw out the see you next Tuesday line? You went for it.

Oh you're a man in twenty twenty one saying the seaword?

Do you know the bravery?

Yeah, exactly. I walked out on a limb, and I don't. I just know this is a solid tree, you know what I mean?

Look, if you grew this tree, you built this tree on rock and roll.

But wait, can I ask you a question?

You said you left you left your something out too long or whatever, like there was just another thing where you didn't you'd attest you didn't follow it through the whole way.

Yes, if you leave it out, it says keep the keep your mouth sample dipped in the six strips for ten minutes and then look at it. But you better look at that in five minute window. The whole test should be fifteen minutes. I went and ran some errands, I vacuumed, and I went to pick up some Brussels sprouts. Came back and I had COVID and because there was a faint line, so faint that I'm not sure that my very bad eyes weren't making it up. They probably were,

So it's the thing that's waiting to get activated when your disease hits it. And you can see it if you're staring at it, But the disease has to make it like actually red and not the faintess.

Yeah.

I stared at it long enough that like one of those computer generated patterns, I started to see the image of a.

Like a magic eye poster.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, which I've never. I always thought there was something wrong with me because I could never. I pretend all the time, Oh, I see it a skull. Yeah, I just told you it was a skull. But I know too, because I can see it right now.

I cannot see those No, neither can I not see them ever, And I absolutely panic, and I get a weird.

Know what I've heard that means you have a high IQ if you can't see it, Yeah, means you're high functioning. I've heard that.

Yeah, then yes, then that's exactly what, and not just that I can't relax enough to let my eyes us to see something fun.

Yeah, you're supposed to go dead eyed, but keep them still never And I used to like cross my eyes in halfway blank and like, oh I see it, But no, I did not have COVID. I just I think duncan he's a high functioning, smart brained person, and I think I got paranoid. And then he backed it up a little bit, which is all I needed, and I was like, is short enough a shortness of bread than sweating as

Here's the thing. You had a little bit of a doubt and you had a worry.

Then we discussed it thoroughly enough that your worry was supported, yes, and then we were talking about a bunch of other stuff, and all you could do is think about the worry.

Right, And thank god, you were at your most high functioning, Chris, I.

Was phoning it in. Was nothing.

You've never seen me high functioning. You've never seen it, no idea what it looks.

Like at one point I was watching with my hands on my chin and I'd set the microphone over on the desk somewhere. But we are both and today now's a good time to mention we don't have a guest.

Yep, it's just us.

Yeah, it's this is just us. And a lot of people came to my shows in Philly and they multiple people said I love just Chris and Karen episode. And I said, well, don't hold your breath.

You got all mare of ese time.

Because we have nothing but good guests.

You have amazing though.

Hannah Chrichten is our booker at exactly right, and she has been helping us and we've just been able to say, hey, what about this dream person that we both love but don't know very well?

And we've been able.

To get I've literally described people from my dreams.

You know that poster of like have you seen this man in your dream? That little weird guy.

Let's get Yeah, next week we're going to have a boat captain with a chicken body.

I dreamt him.

Yeah, when you know what we should definitely coming up have Pat Summer.

I was on say it again, Pat Summer, All he's an old sports broadcaster. No.

Our friend who Patrick kan Yes, Patrick Kean, who did it constantly with us anytime we didn't feel like getting our show.

I was. I forgot that I was going to bring him up again because I did shows in Irvine and he's a teacher in Orange County. He has an apartment and he's been teaching a high school in Orange County and he I stayed with him and he I laughed for twenty four hours straight.

Those kids must be the happiest kids.

Yeah, the one. He's funniest, He's very thoughtful and one of my favorite people. Yeah, we got we're going to bring back some oldies. Got to not just the newbies and the goodies, but some old timey, classic oldies. It's three o'clock and we're going to be right back after this weather traffic shit. Yeah, I said. I told a lot of folks that were at my show, like they're like, I can't wait for you in the cars so you can get swung out with a bike clock And I

Now, that's because we talk about it all the time.

It's yeah, yeah, we brought it up right. Yeah, that's one of the great things like that happening. I can't wait. Maybe right now, if I was recording in a room full of birds or something, there would be surprise things to change the subject, Like what if I was talking about COVID and then all of a sudden a cockatoo was on my shoulder.

I mean it would Would it be great for podcasting, It's debatable. It would be very loud noise, it would be irritating, and it would remind me of the documentary about Heidi Flies, where it seems to me surrounding yourself with birds can sometimes be a cry for help in.

Certain Wait a minute, now, are you talking about the Madame of New York that was somehow connected with Charlie Sheen?

Yes, but not of New York, of Los Angeles.

She was of Los Angeles. Yes, Well, you don't know about the I know her from her New York work. No, I've never never you never used a working lady of the night.

Too late. We know about your proclivities.

Oh, I said the S word earlier. Oh yeah, I've never seen that documentary.

Actually, Oh it's amazing, it's so good.

I'll watch it.

So Wait, you did stand up in Irvine? Do you want to talk about your show?

Oh? I mean I was there a while back, and then I was just in Philadelphia, where I've actually had trouble in the past. I feel like in my mind that that city is like a bunch of dads that wished that you had wrestled and done football in high school, and they watched with their arms crossed and they're like,

Yep.

They'd all be like, hey, a joke for a dollar. I'm like, well, that's frat, that's refreshing. And then the next guy had jokes. It got to the point where I was like, hey, the guy at thirty eighth and Plymouth is doing your he's doing your bird joke. He'd be like, that's son of a bitch. I know exactly who you're talking about. The streets aren't open mic so in the past, I've had trouble there and this time it was so much fun.

What was the difference?

I think, And you're gonna probably think I'm just in my head about it. But I grew back the cop mustache and I cut my hair, and no one's gonna there's a weird thing that happens. I think you will be on board. It's it's people pay attention to a guy with a mustache. I'm in a position of authority, and last time I was some bald face weakling. And also I think I've been doing the big one is I've been doing stand up for a decade since I was last there.

Yes, that's a good one. That's good to keep in mind.

Yeah yeah, and I just did whatever did you actually perform comedy with that hair?

The old hair? Oh yeah?

Oh yeah, and I had the balls to do reggae with it, wondering why it wasn't hitting so ironically.

You had juggler hair.

That's the thing is you were misguiding and misleading the audience with your appearance, right and there. If you're I think we talked about this, but yeah, you can't. You can't look funny.

You have to be funny, and honestly, you're right, and by that ration, I could also just have short hair and no mustache. But whatever, it makes you somehow memorable. I don't know why I'm doing it.

No, I mean I think that, I think the look aside.

I think just hair that isn't doing anything because unless you're and I'm pretty positive you're not willing to do a solid five minutes about.

How weird your hair is.

No, I'm not, so then the audience is confused, and then they're then they're upset at you.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking. Looks like Jane Wilder. Fuck Robert Downey Junior playing whatever it was, a silent film actor, it doesn't matter, Albert Einstein, Charlie Chaplin, god damn it. But no, it was. It was very fun and I started to feel like I know what I'm doing again.

So that's good.

I'm going to Saint Louis and Indianapolis, all these places I've never been great, and I'm excited because it's been really fun. I was missing it doing stand up.

Yeah, I bet.

And also, you can now go having all these good shows under your belt knowing that that whole idea you're just making up stories of dads in the audience with their arms crossed because it's mad that you didn't play sports. No one knows what the fuck you did when you were a child.

Stop it were the kind of dads. My dad's not mad I didn't play sports.

Yeah, they don't give a shit.

Yeah, most dads are at this point, like we tortured ourselves with this. It's fine, keep moving. Most people at this.

Point, you know this.

They just want entertainment of any kind. Please let them escape from the horror and their bank account and the ship that they're going through in their own lives. Like, it's not about your shit, it's about getting them away from there.

You know what I used to do ten years ago that all of us used to do when there was like an alt scene is try and be surreal and obscure and absurd and they funny ideas that I liked and try and sell them to a mainstream audience. But now I'm having more fun just trying to think of random things that are super relatable. And I didn't used to do that, so I'm just have more relatable stuff.

It's been Also, the stand up comedy is so much more widespread Now it's so much more of a shared language.

People aren't going there like, oh no, what this is? What fuck you? Like that's the nineties.

Yeah, that's PTSD from real club experience. These days, people are going as like specified fans who are like, I'm not spending forty random dollars, I'm going to see you in particular.

Yeah, it's been great.

That's a huge difference. It's like that makes all the difference in the world.

Yeah, there are so many nice people coming now and they all say hi to you, Hi, Hi, And then they're like, you should get her to do stand up. You guys should do shows together, And I'm like, I, hey, look, it's okay if Karen doesn't want to do stand up, that's what I tell them.

Yep, this is a separate conversation.

But you and a yeah, yeah it is.

It is.

Let's talk about what's in the news sports.

My thing is I have to to do stand up that like you haven't stopped doing it ever. I've stopped and started so many times right that I don't I've lost my actual personal train of thought, personal thread of what I want to be talking about, and genuinely the people I see doing it these days try so hard. They they're so competitive, they're so in it to win it, they're so smart.

Like it's just a different time.

I feel like it's like it's a young man's game, and there's all these people who are like, no, no, no, I'm going to you know, make my mark. So it's like, go ahead, I don't care to talk about what we've all observed this week.

I do it anyway. I'm so tired.

That's the other point that people don't realize. You have a full time outlet that is very much going well and is one hundred percent at your job. Why go back to the thing that you connect to struggling for so many years.

Yeah, I'm also going to pick up a shift washing some dishes. Yeah, because I might as well just keep it real all the way around.

Yeah.

Remember back when you're at your dishwashing job and you knew how could think how good you'd be at it?

Now go actually would I would?

I mean not to say that that's not true, because it's a really hard job where you have to handle really fucking hot water and hot dish washing. You know, those those huge dish washers stuff. I couldn't do it. I'm being very cavalier right now, I could not do that job. If the job was at a like one of those tiny New York restaurants that has like eight tables, I could do those dishes, because then I would be

So if it was less of a restaurant more of a food based art gallery, yes.

I can rinse out those plastic wine cups and I can kind of like make sure the kitchen's clean in a way that my favorite thing is just staying in the kitchen during any party or event. That's my goal and it's what I like to do best. And since I can't cook, the way I keep my spot in the kitchen is I do the dishes.

Did you ever do one of those dinner theater things. I was going to do a dinner theater play of something called David and Lisa, I think.

And we rehearsed it.

It was at the end of college, and I was like, wait, people are eating during the whole time. I had anxiety about it. And then the venue dropped out and then I think I pretended to be dead and I didn't answer my phone. I was so glad that I was off the hook.

Dinner theater and all so murder mystery theater.

Like the month I started stand up, I immediately got booked on a gig at a murder Mystery theater show. And I had a handheld mic and I was just standing in the middle of a room, turning in circles because everyone was always behind me. It was like doing a theater in the round.

And so like they turned the lights off and turn them back on and be like, ha, everyone in here is holding a knife. Was there like dinner joke? Butter was?

It was like a play itself.

And then it was almost like while they were eating, take a break and watch the comedy stylings of and so then it was it was awful.

There's nothing worse for comedy than food happening except that Largo. Somehow, the old Largo, I don't know.

I yeah, I don't know how they manage that.

But I think just because that the room was pitch black and so you never really saw people eating, and you didn't worry about them eating, didn't draw anything away.

Yeah, that's one thing. I forgot with because I was at a comedy club for a few days in Philly, and there is the check drop fifteen minutes when I'm ramping up to try and get my conclusionary laughs. Everyone was hunched over doing math, and I'm like, oh, I forgot about the flaws with my job. No one's even listening. They're worried about money.

You need to write a bit about that for that moment. You're right, right, there's a niche that needs to be filled there, right.

What would it be? Let's spitball it now?

All right?

But what if you started singing the Jeopardy question music while they were doing it, and saying, I'm going to put my act on pause and just give you background audio so that you don't have to focus.

Just sit humming that song and going out to the audience climbing under their tables, really freaking them out.

Or you can also be like, this will be the question and answer perious.

Oh yeah, oh yeah, that is a good time to field questions.

Just let the moment happen, guide the moment, host the moment, and then once all the pens drop, boom, we're right back to your mom and dad jerking off in the doorway.

Hey, you know what, I'm glad you bought that joke up because it kind of doesn't work anymore. I have a new comic.

Oh yeah, you're not doing stuff like that. You know a lot.

Fewer dick based jokes, not so much toilet based humor. I have one bidet bit that does okay, but less graphic.

Do you want to roll it out in front of the people who like you the most? Let your biggest fans hear your beadet material and we can let you know what we think.

Oh right now, yes, certainly not you just you just asked. You just said you do comedy, tell me.

A jell me a joke about it, bidet.

That I wouldn't mind if I was on an air plane and someone said, oh, you're a comedian, you've made jokes about bidets. I would like that specific assignment.

It would be like sometimes the water squirts right up in you, right, so you just kind of start them off.

A little bit, just laughing because he's in the bidet business and he's flying to some uh the Water in your Ass festival in Vegas. It would be at the Water in.

Your Ass festival is a bid day based festival. Yes, but uh yeah, I.

Don't say when I'm golfing or I'm on a plane. I just say I'm a graphic designer because I can talk about that and it's so much easier.

Yeah, it is.

That's just maybe two follow up questions and they're back at to me interviewing them about about uh you know, h R.

The tables have turned.

You're like, where did you get your embroidered pants? See, I think you're bordered pants phase is definitely based on and influenced by your golf phase.

You know a little bit think so it is very Yeah, it's more of an outdoors because these are flannel. You know, they wouldn't be great for golf. They're not very breathable.

Oh they're pajama bottoms. They are.

If you saw them, if I took them off and I showed you the liner to the pockets. They're handmade in I think Vermont, very good quality. They're hardly pajamas wetpants. They are corduroy slack dungarees and they're of the highest quality. Did I mention they have an all over embroidered print of miniatures. One of my favorite things, tiny little cars. It's like wearing clothes and little toys at the same time. I have micro machines all over my pants.

It's you're right back to your underrest days, and you couldn't be more.

You're clearly filled with a childlike Zober.

You'll keep going back to underwearing pajamas, Karen. I'm just saying these are that I could wear these pants to it to a high falutin business meeting with a suit and a tie.

You said flannel, though, which kind of is more towards a sheep's.

Okay, Okay, Well, then I take back just about everything, actually, including raising my voice because I meant the fucking word corduroy. What is happening to me? Oh, look the entire pants. They're very nicely made.

There's no flannel involved.

That's why you said pajamas. I'm like, why is she attacking these nice corduroy pants because you're going in pajama you're absolutely flannel. Good God, Like an angry bear in a cave, I was jabbing you with a stick.

Hold on, let me just tell you something now that we're talking about flannel.

Do you they're really nice pants?

I believe you. I saw them stood up on a chair. You like them so much?

I'm absolutely I'm on your level with these pants. But do you know that it's right now so freezing in Los Angeles that I think it might be thirty five degrees outside?

Wait a minute, yes, okay, the whole world is so messed up because of al Gore's invention. Yes, global warming is that it is now colder in Los Angeles than where I'm at in Montana.

Sorry, really quick, I'm exaggerating because it's really fifty two here but the low, but the low is thirty seven, so it will be thirty seven tonight.

Yeah, it is in the high twenties here and snowing, so when I got here was warm. But it was very warm in Philadelphia, where I expected it to be a miracle on whatever street Christmas.

YYI.

I know that's a New York film, but whatever. They're interchangeable cities, not really one more, you're more likely to get punched in Philly. Yeah, I'm not going to say which. The people that live in New York and Philadelphia know which one I'm talking about because they call it punchy town.

Philly is pretty punchy. Yeah, that's the right answer. Go Eagles.

Jesus, my joke about not liking the Eagles the band almost got me.

Babu, what are you please? You're playing with fire there? Don't you know that story?

I think it was Paul Tom because he used to tell it because he's from Philly. Yeah.

The crowd that went out and tipped over, I think it was quiet Riots tour bus. Yeah, I mean they just don't fuck around. Those those fans are serious.

And the before anyone knew who Bill Burr was, he had a viral in back in the pre viral on YouTube video of him just being screamed at in him just going.

Yeah, fuck you.

I hope y'all get cancer and stub your toes. And I remember that was how everyone got to know him. But no, Philly was the nicest. I loved it. Yeah, I had a great time. They were the sweetest audiences. And I worked with these great comics. I and the buildings are so old. It's like, is that where Ben Franklin signed the declaration? You know, I didn't do a lot of research, but there's all these old buildings.

Yeah, because there's some of the Constitution.

They're little shorties, like all the build everything's two stories and the doorways are real small.

Yeah, because people used to have little poliold legs. It's just it's just the the building, the architecture alone. I just walked around and I'm like, just looked at so many gargoyles on the edges of built like, yeah, so old. And then you go back to Los Angeles. I mean there's some old buildings here in Montana, but not not these buildings are a century older.

I mean I think there's a Mentocino farms down on Ventura that's pretty old. It's been there for eighties.

Yeah, yeah, the one that yeah, before they renovated that strip mall.

Yeah, yeah, it's that's like the same.

It's nineteen nineties, caring, that's nineteen ninety, not eighteen nineties.

It's just I wanted you to get the update because it was seventy for months, if not yours, and then all of a sudden, three days ago, some kind of a storm rolled in.

Yeah, there was insane rain. I caught some of it, oh because you left.

Yeah yeah, I came home for like twenty hours.

But it was just the weirdest, strongest, crazy, and there was some swift water rescues that had to take place. Every time this the La River goes from a trickle to a raging torrent. People get caught in that river and have to get rescued.

I of course have told you this, but this is this is why we call this the Bringing Back the Oldies podcast. When my brother in law, Mike, was teaching a swift water rescue class to the other fireman. As he was teaching it, a man floated by in the river yep, drowning, and he saved him.

I did tell you that several times, but I love to hear it. Oh, I love to hear it every time we celebrate Mike. That's Mike, you know what I mean. Mike is the ultimate fireman. He's doing it, he's teaching it, he reaches behind him and swift water rescues somebody.

He can do it all.

He always can tell you about the time he is in a kayak and a fish jumped in and landed in his lap and he held it up like he just caught it for fishing.

Do you love Mike, Well, yeah, yeah, he's pretty great. Huh yeah, of course, yeah, he sounds like the best. Yeah.

First of all, he's in a kayak, which I always respect automatically. People that go out of their way to get like suctioned into a boat.

Those are brave people.

Those people that are like, I don't care if I flip over and am held underwater by my own craft. I'm still going to do this.

Have you ever I uh no, I have kayakd never ever would.

But just in a swimming pool, try and learn the role.

I don't want to learn a role I would rather.

Not otherwise you're in danger of drowning.

What do you just talk yourself to one side or the other? Like, what do you do?

You have to involve the ore the paddle rather.

Yes, by what sticking it up out of the water, and.

Yeah, you got to force it force masure, you gotta and then pop yourself back up.

You gotta do a barrel roll they call it. Have you ever seen the movie Force Masure?

Is it about an avalanche, but more importantly about Yeah I slept through that.

You have to rewatch it?

Okay at the halfway mark? Is it a real snooze fest? And then all of a sudden it gets No.

The last way I was to describe that movie is as a snooze fest.

Yeah, I just kept waiting for the avalanche to come. I saw that it was becoming a bad marriage movie where she hates that he.

Yes, well, I mean it's not It wasn't San Andreas. He wasn't going to like ride the avalanche into you know, the sea or anything.

That was just the exciting incident, right.

I thought it was an action movie, and I'm like, God, this marriage needs to end.

She hates this guy and he needs to grab a gun and run to the forest.

Action.

But when does the action start. I was just on the heels of a bunch of Kurt Russell movies, and I'm like, you call this an avalanche?

This really actually is.

You're right, that's the kind of thing that when you base a movie around an avalanche, you can't blame people for expecting action. And then if you send them into just the slow creeping slide out of like love from a relationship, that's it's a lot for people to take in.

Yeah, yeah, it was.

It was just like that bad marriage movie with whatever it was called, which one, oh, with that long faced talented actor Pants Hall.

It's out of Driver Driver, the Driving Man.

Yes, it was a gritty divorce movie and they were charges they're both so good in it, But that doesn't mean it's kind of like Jimmy Hendrix music. Just because I know there's talent there doesn't mean I have to enjoy it.

I love Jimmy Hendrix. Hey, here's what I'll say about this is you're exactly right. I've already suffered through a bad marriage.

I'm not going to go back and watch other people go what if it was like this? There's no value in that in my life. If I've already kind of suffered the sling s narrow, I have nothing to learn from a fake version of the thing. I went through it very painfully, for real.

Exactly.

There's a movie called In the Bedroom starring Sissy Spasic, and I believed the British actor Tom Wilkinson and their child, their their adult son dies and then and I didn't. I remember going with my boyfriend at the time, and he it was just like one of those independent movies.

We were at the like one of those.

Indie movie houses, and I halfway through realized the whole plot of this movie was about how a family copes when someone dies unexpectedly.

And I was I turned him and.

I go, I don't need this I've already done this a handful of times. In reality, Sissy Spasic can do nothing for me that I don't haven't already done for myself in this real situation. I don't need to watch these people fucking fuck shit up. And it's all from one guy's mind.

No, just because Sissy's Spasic is one of the funnest names to say, according to linguists Karen A, it doesn't mean I need it. Even my sister, when we were towards the end end of dealing with our mom and Alzheimer's, she made me watch this. She sent me a DVD of a movie called Savages with Laura Lenny and Paul and Philip Seymour Hoffman, who already makes me sad because I was real sad when he died. And it is

Is this a message that why?

But it was a good movie, but it, yeah, I don't need to go through it again.

Not good for your scenario, Not good for the reality of your life. That was like when we went to see The Notebook because we just thought it was a rom com and then you know it's basically about a woman with Alzheimer's and I was so devastated at the end I couldn't leave the theater because I had to sob it out for five minutes. I don't I'm not going to go to the fucking AMC nineteen in Burbank to cry my guts out.

That's not why I show up at a place like that. I don't want that.

That's not the experience I'm looking for. Don't trick me into having it.

I could watch it now, but yeah, I avoided watching it forever because I thought The Notebook was about school and I did bad in school.

Well.

Also, it leaves you dissatisfied in these ways. First of all, you're being triggered by your own serious pain. Secondly, you're watching someone. I'm watching people and criticizing their Alzheimer's acting, whereas not really like that.

You know, it was really good. Just as a side note, as Alzheimer's actor is John Lithgow in whatever Planet of the Apes movie, where James Franco was in a lab testing ape. I don't know the third whichever uh planet the Apes movie. Uh, it just as a B or C plot. His dad was John Lithgow and he had Alzheimer's and that's what he was coming up with a medication. So he then used on a gorilla that it turned him into a high functioning warmonger. Whatever, but it was

It's really He's great, John, John Letkow. There are none none higher, none better, truly legends, still doing it. Remember him and Perry Perry Mason.

Hospital talking about him past tense but yeah.

Yeah because of that, because of Perry Mason. Yeah yeah, no, all believed it that he died. No, he's so amazing.

But that's just like that fucking movie Awakenings, which is one of the best movies I've ever seen.

It's based on a true story. You've got Robin Williams playing a doctor.

You've got Robert de Niro, playing a child like a patient with this strange shut in disease, the shut down disease I should call it, because the shut in disease is a different one.

Yeah, it's fun to watch him do something like that.

And then they come to life.

I was like, this is a fucking nightmare. This movie is the saddest thing I've ever seen that, Like, this is so awful, like what we're just all grieving this saddest medical condition.

I always thought.

But I liked it, And I'm like, where's the scene where he makes everyone laugh with his clown nose? And I'm like, oh, I'm thinking of Patch Adams.

That's Patch Adams.

But he's got the sort of oddly similar plot.

Though, well you know what it is.

He's in both Patch Adams and in Awakenings he's wearing a white coat, and so then you go, I know, I know what Robin's doing in this one.

But then I can't remember in which of those movies where he puts on a sweater vest and teaches those boys poetry.

That's in a third option. Oh yes, and what's that called. That's called that's called New England Porns, New England corn for dinner Children of the New England corn. People talk about that movie like it is the greatest thing, and I'm like, it has been making me cringe since nineteen eighty six.

Yeah, there's all these real cheesy moments, like everyone stand on the deck poetry.

Okay, cool, I am I am him? No, I am him. I just read Pablo Neruda. Sit down? So did everybody else? Shut up?

Yeah that's that movie. That movie was riddled with some real twenty year old thesbians.

If you ask my opinion, I don't like your intonation. This reminds me a lot of when you yelled cut earlier.

Let's bring that back. Oh yeah, that.

Pazard drop into the sea bomb.

This is how we do it.

This is compelling podcasting done right.

Yeah. We'll push buttons, maybe the wrong button, yeah, but we push them at the right time.

That's right.

You're probably just trying to get your grandma to listen right as Chris yelled the sea word.

Sorry, grandma, I'm not sold on it.

Although back in my day that was a compliment. Oh I got a nice man to come from the neighboring town and say I can see your breath through your bloomers, And then he was your husband, whether you liked it or not, and scene and scene. One time, when I first moved to La someone i think the street is called Seward. It's not Seaword.

No, it's not Seaward.

Because someone was giving me directions because I didn't have my Thomas Guide right or my map Quest print out. Someone said, take a ride on Seaward Street and I was like, hold on, hold on, there's a street in Los Angeles.

I said it again.

That's twice in one episode.

That's one too many times. I think the first time was refreshing. Now it feels like, you know, we're an alt break it all sea racist who's trying to say the Sea word and to signal and to be your people.

Yeah, you're just now, you're just a Nazis. That's it.

I just I just like to haphazardly talk about one.

Seaword shout shame on you, Yeah, one Seward, shame on me as my co host. But the only option is one seaword.

Chot right, do you think on the second one will bleep it out? Kind of like when I did Conan, they say we can say ship twice on the show, so they had to bleep one of the other shits to so I could buy my shit. Yes, and I remember the one they believed was like does a bear shit in the woods? Everyone knew that was shit, so.

They bleeped that there's no value to that shit.

I got my necessary shit for my groundbreaking shits and giggles joke.

This was back when you still did bathroom humor is what I'm.

Right, right, And I didn't know you didn't like it. Listen, I have turned over a new leaf. I have very thought provoking vaccine bits, but I'm not bombarding people with it. I think I've changed some minds. A lot of people left my show and went and got a shot. I think I never thought of it that way. I remember one man heckling.

Hey, thanks for pointing that out.

I can't believe I quit being a police officer today. I'm going to get my shot and get my job back. Remember another man saying conversationally after my concert.

He said that conversationally, just standing in the showroom putting his blazer on.

Yeah, he was in the back. He's saying it into the urinal down to his own.

Here we are again in toilet in toilet land, you can't stay out of toilet land.

You know, I just say, thedet joke. What's it going? It's not going to diminish you in any way.

Oh god, the bidet joke is so long. It's like seven minutes long, Karen. And it involves a lot of act outs. It's a whole. It's a story. It's a long story of an awkward do.

You use the stool as your pretend toilet to get up onto it?

A minute for a minute to show that I had to get up on a terraced surface to get to the well lived.

Really, you're back on the road in a very real way.

Oh and then by the end when I used the mic stand as a giant flusher, people really yeah, they really get into it. It's very physical. I crossed my eyes at the end. People love it. But in real life, it's a story about the control. It was a remote control bidet, Yeah, in a bathroom that I wasn't supposed to be using, and I dropped the remote and the batteries fell out of it, and then I was trapped with a bidet blasting full blast and there was no

It is very.

True and I got in a lot of trouble. I got kicked out. That guy doesn't talk to me anymore because he he said, nobody go in this bathroom. This is off limits. Here's the guest bathroom. I took a peek in the nice bathroom, and I'm like, I want to use this bathroom. It was esthetically pleasing, and I made a real mess. And I was not drunk. That was for your dog. Looked at me. That wasn't for you.

You clearly were drunk and you were clearly in the wrong.

I had to like put my hand over the bidet spray and I couldn't find the last battery. I couldn't turn it off, and then a guy came in. It was a whole it's a story. It was very fun. So it is toilet humor in that it's a room that has a toilet in it.

But it's French toilet humor. It's our day.

Uh yeah, And it doesn't work that well. To be honest, I can't believe I've talked about it this long.

Let's just go over your opener real quick and then we'll be done. Then we'll shut it down.

I know what you're thinking. Did so and so and Charlie Chaplin had a baby there it is, thank you, that's what I look like. Next joke, if that's how I didn't Okay, let's go through the list here, people. I don't have a lot of time. I got to get a flight in the morning.

Joke, one joke, one, all right, that's it, next joke, and you're saying it to the audience like they have any control over or what you're about to do next.

They all get nervous, and I do remember that. I can't remember who it was, but they had that joke or it was holding a mirror up to that joke where they're like, I know what you're thinking, did Jack and Judy Johnson have a baby? And there's no response and he's like, God, that joke could work better if my parents were famous. It's really a funny. I think it was like a comic in Austin. I don't I remember thinking it was the best.

That is a good version of that.

It is a good version of making fun of that joke.

It's turning traditional stand up on its ear, yeah, or.

Up on its head?

Oh?

Is it on its ear or on its head? Same saying same, Well, are we done?

We did it.

I think we did do it. It doesn't have to be a full episode.

We're at fifty nine minutes. We're about as full an episode as we could ever be. Really, this flew by, I know because we never talked to only each other anymore. It's easy and fun.

Honestly, I'm I'm that was good news. Our guests couldn't make it today. Last minute we found out, and I'm like, oh boy, I'm going to give people. Some of the people that asked me, I thought it was an empty promise. Never you've just been listening to a Chris and Karen only episode.

We're going all the way back.

Karen, did you fall down a well again?

Yes?

So well of good intentions about our show?

What let me lower down the bucket of support? Yay.

Finally I'll pull myself up on the rope of uh.

Thinking of things to actually say that anyone would want to hear.

I'll bring I'll pull you up with this rope of vocabulary.

And suggesting words.

Did I draw a complete blank because my brain doesn't work anymore?

Yes, it does, and that was good improv. There's a reason we're a two man duo.

That's true. When we describe the well of support people.

I ended you. I almost noboddyed you and said, hey, wait a minute, that's just baby Jessica, And that would have just gotten a brief laugh and ruined the scene.

Right, we don't. We're not here to compete.

We're here to build our fellow support, the bill, build the.

Foundation, the experience, good city, inviting in the welcoming in.

Not the plashers, a series of girders, brick and mortar, three unions involved. We're going to build this city on rock and roll, plaster and blaster. Well, that's fun. You're fun. Good to see a friend.

Good to see you too, my friend. We hope that this gave you everything you needed. Listener, listener, who who's been with us for all of these years, all of these seasons, all these different versions of this show.

Yeah, yeah, we've gone through a lot of chapters. And if, like Karen mentioned earlier, you're a first time, first time grandmother listening. Oh, I don't usually scream the C word twice.

No, that was a special occasion. That was a very special Do you need to ride?

Yeah, this has been a very special holiday episode. Do you need a ride?

Dyn r.

This has been an exactly Right production.

Produced by Analise Nelson.

Engineered by Stephen Ray.

Morris, mixed by Ryo Boum.

Theme song by Karen.

Kilgara, artwork by Chris Ferbanks.

Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at dinar podcast That's Dynar Podcast.

For more information, go to exactlyrightmedia dot com.

Listen, subscribe, leave us a review on.

Apple Podcasts, Stitch or wherever you get your podcasts.

Thank you and you're welcome.

Yeah, oh ho oh it's January.

I know, I know. That's fun.