S3 - Ep. 70 - Myq Kaplan

Are you leaving?

I you wanna way back home? Either way, we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a terminol and gaye ad. We want to send you off in style. We wanna welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it? Re scared her? Was it fine?

Now?

Porn?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do your need to ride?

Ride with Karen and Chris? Welcome to Do you need to ride? This is Chris Fairbanks.

And this is Karen Kilgarriff.

This is Karen Kilgarriff's friend, Chris Fairbanks. I don't know where I'm trying to work on. I keep worrying about someone assembling a montage of my intro the first thing I say, and it being identical. For some reason, I want to ask him.

Sorry.

So I've been adding weird inflection, weird cadence, weird other words that our guest today will know better than me because he was a linguistics major.

But I it's a concern, yeah, keep it fresh.

Yeah, but yeah, I'm also hanging out. My dad is in town. I it's the reason I bought I've been talking about this one man futon which I've been sleeping on. My dad's in my bed. But we're having a great time. But my dad is good. He's good at talking, and so I'm more. I've been paying it holding a mirror up to my own talking, because my dad is a professional talker.

True, And what have you learned from from Jim?

He's just got He's just got it, you know, as they used to say in the UH in the terrestrial broadcast journalism business.

He's just got the goods.

He's got the goods, and he's meant for the airwaves. And he needs to put those cans on his head and scratch those ones and twos.

I don't know a lot of the terms, right, but he's a radio he was a radio man.

That's right. Yeah, Well that's good.

You're absorbing. You're absorbing the dos and don'ts of Jim.

Yeah, it's it's never too late to glean influence from your father.

Is he like every morning when you see him? Is he like good morning? Different every morning? And that's what inspired you to try to change it up?

It's certainly. Yeah, it's so funny you bring that up because when someone says good morning, it usually makes me flinch. I don't like hearing good morning because it reminds me of my mom vacuuming, or someone opening the shades while you're hungover, Like, don't bring that good morning. Shit, it's not even eleven.

It's always passive aggressive in your world. There's never a positive good morning.

Yeah it is.

It's always an underhanded good morning. It's never like you know, of fun good morning. So now my dad's been yet. He does wake up early, early to bed, early to rise, and I think that's good. That has been possibly at the top of the influence the last few.

Days, which also is very that's very radio DJ. If he is the morning DJ. Yeah, it work at five thirty am exactly.

He's preparing me for that eventual four am slot where I talk about the roads before traffic even is a thought.

The traffic report is always everything's fine, you'll get there on time.

It's clear because it's four.

Am and everyone's still in bed. So but one day I'll get a better slot. But yeah, I got a last minute spot at Largo, which makes me think of you because we often talk about Flannagan and Uh, news flash, he's the sweeter never and that's I did a show with Brett Goldstein, who's on ted Lasso, and he it's so funny to see he's kind of a gruff, tough guy on that show, and of course in real life it's it's almost like a version. He's just not that

No, not in the least.

But also, I'm gonna ask a question that I'm pretty sure I know the answer to it.

But did you destroy?

I did great?

Yes, And I haven't been destroying lately. I've been He saw me kind of give give a soft set in a barber shop, and so it was fun to like that's how that's how it is these days, Dad, and I could tell he was like, oh, let me readjust my thoughts. Yeah, but yeah, it's all victory.

Yeah, it was all it was great. So that was fun. So far successful Dad visit.

But well, we better introduce our guests. I think you're right can get in because I know for a.

Fact that he's got commentary about all of the things we just spoke about and the challenges. Will you remember every single topic that you just covered.

Your goddamn right by Caplin will and I've said his name, the most amateur thing ever, you know, damnit? Today's guest does clubs and colleges? Put your ears together for Mike Kaplan?

Ha ha, Yeah, ears together. That's delightful, Karen.

The thing that you just said about me having so many things to say about everything that has just been said, that cuts right to the heart of my being. I'm gonna try. I'm gonna try. I have so many things. Number One, Chris, I don't want to make you any more nervous. I don't think I could. But do you do you worry? Do you worry? I mean, you are currently worried that somebody will do a super cut of you saying hello identically, But are you not worried that they'll do the reverse?

They'll be like, this guy can't commit to anything.

Look at all the weird ways that he says hello, Hello, Hello, Hell, hell Hell.

I mean, would you would about the entertainment factor of listening to a variety of hellos rather than we're talking And this is a thirty minute long thing?

What if it was all identical?

It's going to be thirty minutes long, this future thing that won't exist.

One is work on this.

It's the amount of work who take to do a one minute string out?

And I'm the idea.

You're so worried about it.

Three hour YouTube video me endlessly saying hello to me.

It's I'm worried about I'm still worried about it.

It's beautiful because it means that you love yourself and you believe in yourself, and you care about yourself so much. To believe that someone to think, I mean, you would have to be like.

Who do they do that for? Who do they do that?

People that are important, people that they they care about, like people who are in the in the news, people who are celebrated.

That's all.

Now, you're it's slightly ar scissistic that I think this is coming my way. You love yourself that's what I write. No, it's good potato potato, Thank you.

Knowing you're sorry.

There's a new there's a new nat. I came out of nowhere, house, came out of nowhere. I'm so sorry.

Better than a newt is that something.

There is a There has been a gnat for three days that has been living in the like two foot area around Karen's head throughout her house. And she thought she just killed it, and I thought that would be an emotional loss.

But good news is there's a new gnat in town.

Here's the thing.

It makes me feel like I have a banana peel somewhere that I don't remember pushing aside as I was doing something else, and now it is growing Larva.

Classic classic comedy, you know, the banana peel hidden somewhere in the comedian's home.

Yeah, now everyone knows you were not happy to see them.

I'm so happy to be here.

I love you both. I love listening. I truly if I just listened the whole time. I mean, I'm just like I guess I'm saying, like, listen, I would listen to you.

I like your both.

It's funny that you, Chris are like, oh my dad the professional talker. He says into a microphone that he's done for twenty years as well.

Also, yes, I guess I suppose much longer than he did.

Yeah. Also, I'll say this.

I when you said you had a I'm glad that you had a wonderful set at Largo. What a wonderful place to do comedy, and that you met those nice people, and that your dad did as well. All fantastic. Also, this is so this will be the least important thing on some level, but just to look into my brain that when you said that you had a soft set at a barber shop, do you do anything like this? Now, I'm going to introduce the concept to you of syllable twins.

You came up with that quickly. Yes, my brain does these.

And so when you said soft set at a barber shop, I heard it to the tune of fat Guy in a little coat from Tommy Boy.

Soft set at a barber shop. Yeah, yeah, of course it is. I mean it's really weird. You can do it without singing, you can.

And I know that from as you mentioned, my studies of linguistics. I took a class called intro to Cognitive Science, and we learned about priming, in which like, if somebody says to you bug, you know, then your brain's neural networks for all things related to bugs of any kind. If you're talking about an insect, like the net that's flying around like they're like, oh, net bug, and all the related things pop up, even like then electronic equipment like a spy bug, and then spy networks light up

Uh.

And so did you live in a constant state of as if you're taking a test one of those tests association tests.

Yes, I think that there is that is an undercurrent, uh, you know, on the back burner, if not the front burner.

It's on It's on one of the burners.

But also I think it points to your musical talent and ability, because that's one of my favorite things. Those songs, the comedy songs you were doing. I don't know if you still do them, but they were so good, Mike, I mean truly, they were great.

Thank you so much.

It's it's really kind of you to say, especially as someone as I know you also create comedy songs. And I have a joke that I tell sometimes your songs I love as well, And I sometimes tell this joke about how when I see a musician because I my parents were music teachers, and I studied violin from age four and taught myself guitar in high school and came

I'm just gonna Oh.

I love writing, I love playing around I love recording, so I have a bunch, like I've released some and then I just have a lot of unreally least that I'm like, these are fun for me and my friends, but like if I was going to release them, i'd make them sound better somehow.

But sure they're probably fine. But yeah.

So the joke that I tell sometimes is like when I see a musician, not not even a comedy musician, but just a you know, a musician, a band and art You're familiar with the ways that music can be played by one or more people, and we call them different things sometimes, be it a band or a singer songwriter.

I'm a joker joke writer and comes back to mine.

Yeah, and so if I see beautiful music played live and I can talk to the person after, I'll tell them that was beautiful.

And also I'm a musician.

So this compliment, please take it as more valuable than just some schmo.

It's like, that was beautiful, but what do I know?

Like that was beautiful and I know all that really, Yeah.

It has a little R in a circle at the end of the compliment. It is a registered compliment.

Oh yeah, and that's it's not that that compliment paid eight dollars to be verified. That compliment was verified, but in the original ancient way by people your manager calling.

The head of Twitter whoever it was at the time. But that yeah, that.

Sorry really quick.

No.

The blue check flip that happened on Twitter is still one of the funniest things that's ever happened on Twitter, Like it is so unbelievably. It was a cultural shift that happened in like two days where everybody went, oh, okay, well I lost my blue check, don't care, doesn't matter, you're getting a blue check.

No one's paying for it. Literally, I think they said eighty two people actually signed up for that.

Obviously tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of people that belong to it, and then all the people who did pay for it are now complaining about the people not paying for it, as if that's something you can argue and debate down into, like, oh, I guess you're right, I have to buy it now. It's like no, no, no, the cool people just said no, fuck off, and now you're stuck with the blue check.

It is hilarious, right, So now even if because some ran I'm just now seeing you're seeing in real time. My reaction to mind being taken away and look still.

Exactly as happy as I was before.

It's meaningless.

But some people it's funny though, because there is a part of me that I was happy when I saw that I was verified at one point.

It is does have meeting.

That it did have meaning in twenty in twenty.

Twelve, back when I wanted it, and I'm like, how do you get this? Who do I do? I have to meet the right people. I'm starting to look like I'm not professional. But now that it's gone, it would be embarrassing if you still had it, because then everyone knows you paid to buy into a popularity contest.

Sort of. Yeah.

It's like the famous quote by Jim Carrey and others that I'll paraphrase poorly, Like he's like, I hope that everyone gets, you know, all of their dreams met of being rich and famous, so they can find out that that's not it. Like that doesn't do it? Like you know, before you have the verified check, uh, they're like, well, who even am I? And then after you're like, oh, yeah,

I'm sorry to do a bit on you. It's for real.

I have a good One of my best friends is a practicing Buddhist who I've been hanging out with and learning with and from. Uh, And there's like meaningful stuff. And you know, one of the one of the one of your basics in Buddhism is that, uh, there is suffering,

That's that's not everyone's favorite.

But even the good things, you're like, oh, this feels good and it's gonna go away probably at some point, like even the yeah, the suffering of change they call it as well. Like he one time was my buddy was in like a there was like a pool and a jacuzzi and he's like, I'm in the jacuzzi and it feels good. But then you get a little too hot and you're like, I don't like.

This dive into the cool water. Ah, that feels good.

Then this is actually a little cold. I'm gonna go back into the jacuzzi. He's like, it's a miracle. I'm not still there doing that over and over again.

Yeah.

We're constantly struggling to be like, what's the thing when I get Oh, that's the horizon when I get there. Oh, now there's another horizon. Great, Ah the blue check. Oh not the blue check.

Uh.

Yeah.

Anyway, my point is, thank you Karen for your kind words about my music.

It's the best.

I just think it's it's such a funny.

Somebody had a great tweet and I won't be able to remember because now there's all these people I don't follow that I'm constantly reading their tweets. But they said something like, oh, yes, all of a sudden, the thing that I thought I was supposed to want is the exact thing I'm not supposed to want.

This is just like eighth grade. And I was like, that's it. There's a real That's what Twitter is all about. Anyway.

It's about you show up at school. No one gives a shit that you're there. You're like, hey, they're supposed to care. I'm here because it's me. Then you for four years post your thoughts, and then suddenly, slowly people go, we do like that. You have these thoughts and it builds up over a long period of time, and then you get a little check and somehow that validates you. And then this guy came in that's really bad at tweets and really bad at being a human being and

Go ahead. I don't think the fact that I cared this much is embarrassing.

Yeah yeah, I know.

And then it's like, now pay money, No way, dude, not even if I had as much money as you would I pay.

Everything is a roar shack, you know.

It's like everything tells us something about ourselves. It's like you ever have I don't know if this ever happened in real life, but I have an imagination of like everyone's like line up over here, here's the front of the line. Everyone that way, and then they're like, actually the front is the back, in the back is the front, and you're like, wait a second.

But I like stamp. I've stampeded over people like campel people to be in that's the point.

That's the thing. You know, airlines does that sometimes. You don't know if there there are airlines where it's like, oh, look, I'm I'm gonna be at the very end, I'm seat thirty five. Ah, surprised people are getting on an opposite order.

It's a y you don't know in the front of the back. Also just they're it. I don't know who told me this.

But there's like experts in like I don't know the ergonomics of airplanes that are like there's an actual way that would be the fastest and most efficient to board an airplane, and it involves, for example, everyone who has a window seat get on first, the windows in the back first. Sure not by row. Don't have ile people. You have an ile person sitting before the window person. Sorry, gotta get up, stand in the way. Do it like

The a reason they don't do it that way or you just heard someone bring up capitalism.

I don't know they had the charge us all would be a way to charge us.

Yeah, yeah, we do this well and quickly it'll cost you more money.

Yeah, and there I did go on I feel as like Virgin Airlines once and they were like, if you can board, if you have whatever status right now, but also if you don't have a carry on bag, if you don't have an overhead, get get on at anytime, and then rewarding people for you know, a thing that would actually be practically helpful, right right.

That's smart.

Yeah.

I do like Virgin Airlines. Yeah, I mean, and they're sexy lighting and you know, a good opening video and stuff.

Yeah, it used to feel like getting into a Macintosh product.

It was blowing.

It was just like, am I part of an iPad hot?

I mostly fly Delta since I learned in like twenty ten that if you fly only one airline then it's good sometimes that you know, you get bumped up. And then every once in a while when I'm on a different one like Virgin, it's like a completely it's like an alternate dimension and I'm like, oh the video at the beginning, it's like a fun cartoon. I'm like, I sometimes do feel tricked when I'm like, this is a really cool song a commercial.

No, I enjoy a commercial. But I'm like, yeah, but it.

Made me feel good, so I'll take it.

Yeah.

Yeah. I downloaded on purpose the theme song to a news program on the hill. I'm like, that is the it's it sounds like John Tash and Tame and.

Paula got together to do the new epic.

News theme song. And I downloaded it and I listened to it in my car. It's the funniest thing to be listening to because it is newsy, but it's like it's my new Eye of the Tiger. Oh fucking love it.

That's a great song too. Here's a related topic.

I was like, I almost forgot, but oh good, I'm gonna divert the whole conversation. Who hold on, that's being a man in society. Let's talk about what I want to talk about for a moment. I'm reminded during the pandemic, I started doing weed edibles more than I ever did before. They I now understand what it does to me, Like you know how they're like, oh, this one will put you to sleep, and this one will not do that. I'm like, incorrect, They'll all do that. They'll all put me to sleep.

But it's nice.

I'm like, I used to try to do weed, like in public with people, and like that doesn't do it.

No.

I'm like if I'm at home alone and sometimes I'll just or with my girlfriend and sometimes we'll watch something or just listen to music and I'll feel my body and I'm like, that feels good. My girlfriend will be like, you could probably just feel your body regular if you just didn't do something for a little while, and I'm like,

That's what I was gonna say is those songs like Chris's Auto Ze AutoZone Back.

And the Ford Tourist theme. We've sung it many times on this podcast. There's a lot of those. It was like a hard charging. It was back when people got paid decent amounts of money to do their job, so that composer got to sit at home for say a month and come up with the theme song of a news show, so like they'd be like Action eight news

That was like this.

It was like almost like a weird op T shirt come like animated, come to life, where it's like with this amazing rock song behind it, and it's like there was a good shit it got you through, you know, through the news or through your shitty sunny de commercial or whatever.

Music is so good. Yeah, I have two quick things.

Number One, In the past couple of years, I created a couple jingles and I love doing it. One for my dad, who like started a new little business. And then because of that one or actually I forget what the one I made for my dad is. I have it somewhere, but my dad's brother in law owns a car wash and my dad was like, do you want to make one for the car wash? And I'm like, I'd love to make one for the car wash. So

We love a lot of the same things. We are very good friends.

And I was having a meal with Drew Michael once a wonderful comedian friend as well, and Drew was like, oh, I mentioned Zach and He's like, oh, yeah, you and Zach are like Mario and Luigi. And I was like, that's correct, that's you. You've seen us to our core.

And plumbers Slash Brothers.

That's us. Yeah, oh yeah, Zach and I both are. We got into plumbing recently. And yea, Zach and I actually have a project that hopefully will be coming out soon, of all of the podcast theme songs that he and I have written together. I've written my own for mine, and we've done at least a dozen for other people, some of which are still in operation these days, and some of them which we made one that we really loved for a show called does This Hold Up?

And they we gave it.

To them and they're using another one, and that's fine, but we're like, we think that ours there, we think ours is correct.

But the point is we're available.

And can I want to hear? Yeah, me too.

I mean I can send it to you, but I legally, I yes, you legally keep sing it?

Oh top I Truly it's long enough ago.

Do you ever have you You must have songs that you've written that you don't remember how they go. I'm sorry if I had to make it again right now. Which this is kind of my impression of my previous girlfriend, who was younger than I by approximately a decade like I was. I'm forty four, and she is in her early thirties, and so we dated uh at for a time. And the joke I tell about her in this way is, you know how like so we have different references for things, like you.

Know that song opposites attract. She didn't know that song.

So so I would ask her, like, you know that song opposite attract, and she would start singing.

Opposite it's a track.

She'd just start making up a melody when she didn't know it, And so that's what I would have to do for Triangle.

Car wash, they get three things done.

You know that they might be Giants song. Yeah, that could be Giant Triangle man.

Oh, you're one hundred percent right.

And I'll tell you the two artists slash groups that were the most influential to me my favorites as a teenager were the syllable twins of they might be Giants and Annie DiFranco. Oh NONI yeah, wonder one hundred percent.

It was a small window, but there was a brief period where everyone I knew was paying attention to Annie DiFranco.

I still pay attention her music so beautiful.

Yeah, I gotta re dive, dip my toes back in. You gotta redive dip. Absolutely, I've did three things. That's that's what I want.

That's not the only thing I love about you, Chris, but I feel like I really resonate with you. I feel a kin I think we've talked about this, the kindred spirit of sometimes you don't say something, or we sometimes we say something so quickly it might come out. The joke I have and the truth of my girlfriend and my's relationship, and the way that we are is like I she thinks before she speaks, and I speak before I think.

But sometimes when you nail it, you want to recreate it, and so you lie and pretend you're doing it again. You and I are.

Both do that. We do both one hundred percent.

But also every once in a while it really happens a real beautiful mistake, that a crisis that turns into an opportunity. As those two, as I understand in Chinese, are the same word.

Like the first, the very first dump cake, the very accident that.

I have made.

So many people watch the dump Cakes infomercial that it's one of the first things that comes up in my search bar on YouTube because it's my favorite. Like I'm always like, you don't know what dumb cakes are? And people are like, I don't know what you're talking about, And then I start doing an impression of the lady as if that's somehow gonna awaken some memory.

They yeah, like jes so to cant a sprite, And the way everything is like it's her favorite fucking thing that she can put soda into cake mix and then make a dessert. It's just like, can you fucking believe this shit.

I adore it so much in that it's a real like can you imagine that if that was your mom?

Like every time you went into the kitchen.

She's like, get in there, I made a doctor pepper cupcake and be like fuck, yes, I love you.

Oh, I mean absolutely, we all believe we would feel that way, and if she were our mom, we'd be like mom again.

Didn't it turn into the sale of dump cake specific rings that you pour whatever you want into them?

Like, wasn't that like.

Sell cake cake molds and yeah, molds. I think that was like, here's your dump cake kit that you can order.

Yes, there probably was a thing you got and you could add shit on. But then she went into dump dinners, and I swear to god that infomercial where people they can't believe dump cakes to begin with, and then when she's like, and now.

We have something else to offer, it's just like her.

Dumping shit into a pan and acting like it's the best, most wonderful, And at one part of the infomercial she's talking about it like it's there's a kind of diet element where it's a healthy dinner, and it's like, ma'am, you just cracked open a can of like ministrant soup and something else like no and corn bread or whatever.

It's like so crazy.

I want to see a version of it, Like I always think of things where you can mash up editing everything she's pouring in there.

It just goes to that scene and back to.

The future where it's he has the fusion thing where he's just putting garbage into the He puts in there whatever you want cigarette months.

If I may briefly, this is an idea that I have for a new soup called Maxy Strony.

It's like Minuetrony but bigger.

I'd like to do an infomercial and real quick before I forget.

It's way too late now.

But when you mentioned AutoZone, don't I wish I remembered what comedian from Boston. I don't know if he still does comedy, but year, like fifteen to twenty years ago, there was a comedian in Boston. If any Boston comedy comedian fan listeners, anyone knows this comedian, I'm just gonna I think his name was Anthony or Tony, and I don't remember his last name or even his first name. But if I had to guess it's Anthony or Tony, maybe both, maybe he.

Goes by both.

And he had a joke about the AutoZone commercial music, which just for if anyone needs a refresher.

Auto zone, get in the zone if you want it, if you need it, just ask us and you'll get it.

And then you wait, that's different than that's.

Get in the song at ze.

Oh my god, I wonder so you don't know mine at all?

No? Wow, Well yeah this is a maybe it's a classic. It's more involved, more lyrics.

This is fantastic to learn that there that there is a difference.

Wait, what's your O'Reilly auto parts?

Oh my god?

Can wis remember when I talked about I ran into the live performance at a corporate event of the of the actual people that recorded the first uh O'Reilly O'Reilly auto part?

Oh?

They someone said. I was at that event and they were total asshole divas.

Like their rockstar.

I didn't ask to follow up much because it was just in my messages, but the idea of them having like egos and throwing their weight around because they they had the most popular regional jingle.

It was a good jingle, and I can see where you'd get a big head of that because you're just like.

Oh oh oh, it's good stuff.

It is powerful. I don't even know if I know it, but I love what you just did. Oh yeah, maybe that's but also you know what it's like. I don't know if.

Oh wait, you have to finish Anthony or Charney's jokes.

Yes, yeah, I'm so sorry. I will, I will one.

But I do want to say briefly, the fact that we now know that there are two different versions of the AutoZone theme song. It's like it's like if you grow up Jewish and you go to your synagogue and you sing the songs the way that you know them, and then if you go to another synagogue and it's like the same lyrics but slightly different or completely different, and you're like, wait, I thought, but it's so weird.

Yeah, that's so.

Another alternate reality.

Yeah, yes, Andy, if I could put off Tony slashing Anthony's of course, there's a time that I met I made a new best friend, Ross Peterson in sixth grade, and then after a year, I bumped into him at a family reunion because he was also my cousin. Yeah yeah, yeah, what yeah, But now we're you guys closer.

Are you guys still cousins today?

I mean not first cousins. I think are his uncle and my mom are cousins. Anyway, it's henny. I didn't want to get too deal, Okay, it is.

I want to keep on putting off Anthony until the very end of the.

Until it's too much expectations.

Cliffhanger, until next time. Also, I do I do I have enough? You know now, I'm an only child. I'm an only grandchild, so I don't have any like first cousins that are removed in some degree, like I have second cousins and I have some first cousins once removed. I think I've I've figured it out every once in a while or people have told me, yeah, you've got them.

Sure, I think it is the most versatile of the Can I admit something real quick as we please? I don't know.

I'll admit one thing before this week.

I'm going to yeah, I had killed someone in October. Oh sorry, Oh, I thought we were doing it right now. I thought we were doing it now. I what I'm admitting is I don't know what once or twice removed means or or death.

What's the removal? I know I always just nod twice removed. Oh. Interesting.

Now I'm going to number one. It's very brave of you. Thank you for your vulnerability. Also, I am not one hundred percent on this, but this is what I think.

I think.

Okay, I'm going to start telling you number one. Like, if let's say my dad has a brother, my uncle, and if he had kids, that would be my first cousin.

Uh.

And if that kid had a kid, then that would either be my second cousin or I think that would be my second cousin. But I think, uh am, I my girlfriend is coming into report. I think it's that I love.

I love outside input on this. I want. I want you to go get a neighbor. Yeah, have them tell.

You some Here's here's what I think it is. I think from my actual life. My grandmother has a brother. He is my great uncle. His child is my mother's first cousin, and that's my second cousin because he's or that's my first cousin once removed. That's what I forget. I forget if he's my second. I think he's my second cousin and his kid is my first cousin once removed, same same level of generation his first cousin, but it's removed because it's through my mom being cousins with his dad.

And I'm no, I'm no closer to knowing. But I do appreciate. I think your did a no purpose. You made me feel better by making it more confusing than I even thought humanly possible.

There is confusing, though, this is just some fucking like who would know this stuff besides an an ancestry dot Com level expert, right, because I thought it was. But I'm we're talking about two different things because the once removed part.

I have no idea. I just know that my mom's cousin is my second cousin.

Okay, if you know that that's true, I think you might be right. Oh and we're getting a chat yeh a chart in the chat A little chet chart, chat job chat Okay, full on cousin chat chart.

Hilarious, beautiful. Yes, I've seen this before.

Yes, let's all look at the cousin chart morning, right, Okay, while we're looking at the cousin chart, I will I think this is appropriate to let you know. Also, the thing that I'll admit is that for many years I did not know what the term cliffhanger meant. For this reason, you're familiar with a cliffhanger, example, on a TV show when it says to be continued, and you're like, ah, a cliffhanger, what happened to me?

You get it? You get I was watching one.

Time the the old Batman series from the sixties, an episode where at the end of it there was a to be continued, a cliffhanger that I didn't know that word at the time, and Robin was like, on you know those contraptions that exist in shop class and villains layers where it's like a rotating saw and.

A conveyor belt.

Conveyor belt heading towards rotating saw, perfect for building furniture or murdering superheroes. And Robin is on this conveyor belt heading towards the slow. If it takes the power too, will Batman rescue Robin? And I point at the screen because I want to know what the contract aption is called. I'm like, what is that thing that's in all of my cartoons? Like there must be a name for it. And I'll give you a brief interlude another a cliffhanger

Never heard of?

So a gava guy is a made up word, as all words are made up, but it was made up specifically for a linguistic experiment or like a thought experiment, to be like if you're learning a new language and somebody points at a rabbit like hopping across a field and says, that's a gava guy. In my language, that's a gava guy. It could mean that gavia guy means rabbit, it could mean and tall, a small mammal, maybe a

Wow, So every time you went to the lumber mill and you saw it actually being used in real Yeah, like another great, well maintained cliffhanger.

Yeah, putting some raw oak through the old cliffhanger.

Huh.

Boys, they're like, what the hell's that kid talking about? Why is there a kid here on the wood the woodlaw and.

The wood floor they called the wood floor.

Yeah, here's what here's going to be my confession. I love so much that on Le's put this chart up for us. I can't read charts.

My back started so long, and I.

Was like, I have more questions than I did before we started that part of conversation.

It's a pyramid shape. There's colors. Also, it's like, oh, this is like arows too much. It's like a game of high stakes.

Oh no, I can't do it looks kind of like a board game. But he's here.

Will be my other confession, because this has been making me laugh. I this office that I'm in is also there's a closet here that I put dresses in because the guys who I bought this house from, their closets are for boys, not girls, so all of their stuff is hung shirt level, not dressed.

Oh wow, So if I put a dress.

In my bedroom closet, half of it is on the ground. So I have to hang them in here. And so I am going on a trip. So I went in to find all of the kind of oh these are this would be good dresses to have on this trip.

And I hung them on the little hooks that shut the closet, and I hung like five on each side.

Just so I could see what I had, see what I'm working with. Whatever do I have enough? I left the closet door open. About five different times. I have scared the living shit out of myself because it looks like a real tall in wearing black is in this room hiding behind them.

I don't know slender Man and yes.

And the first time it happened, I was like, oh my god, like that where it's like how would they have gotten in?

Like the dogs would have barked, There's a million things.

But but then I didn't shut the door to get it out of the door jam. So it just keeps happening, and it's like a bad movie where I'd come around the corner like oh there, And I've done it over the past week. I think I've done it to myself five times.

That's exactly what I did when I did that haunted mansion in Davenport. I thought that I was protecting myself by putting my belongings in the corners large.

That was a real fun place.

You've done that, Okay, so you've maybe been in this corner room where you look upon the very very scary ex asylum and very cuckoo's nasty place. But I put a sweater on one hanger and my bag kind of in a chair over here, and then when I went to sleep, I'm like, that's a person. No, that's my smack, that's a little guy. Oh, that's my bag.

That's what ghosts.

You got, haunted by the ghost of your past self setting up that thing that you it's always the thing that you think is going to protect you, that you know, like you trap yourself in a like a suit of armor or imprison yourself in a wall. Yeah, so just don't don't even don't try to preemptively strike.

It's just a translucent dotted line outline billy version of me from family circus that is actually a ghost child of I think. I don't know, I got some weird family circuses.

Not me, Yeah, not me.

Also, I we don't have to spend too much time on this, but I I have had an enlightening experience with the cousin chart because be cousin. Did you think, Yes, here's here's the thing, here's the thing that.

It is the cousin.

I'm gonna I'm gonna record it in my digital recorder that I used to record jokes.

Be cousin. That is my new word.

I know, I know you well enough to know that will soon be three or four minute bit has.

So here's the thing that's cousin fusing about first cousin.

I'm fair enough.

Splits. It's actually appropriate because on this chart. Here's the here's why it's confusing, is there are two ways to make a first cousin once removed. One way is the child of your first cousin is your first cousin once removed. The other way is the parent of your second cousin is a first cousin once removed as well. So I always thought I didn't have first cousins. My cousin Jonathan, who is like my age and is you know, we we share our grandparents are siblings, so we are second cousins.

You will, I will.

It'll unlearnable.

It's impossible. Anyone who thinks they know it, they don't know it. They are lying.

Yeah, I'm going to continue ignoring it and know that. I'll mean says I can only have sex with people from out of town.

That's how I play it safe. You don't have on the chart.

Oh yeah, do you know I think it might be Iceland. I think it's might be Iceland. I said it Ice, the land of Ice. Yeah, of course, b Yorkland, New b York City, capital of Iceland. I believe it's there or somewhere equally small. And because it's tight knit, I think that they have like an app that like like their dating apps, have an additional thing of like making checking ancestry to make sure because much it's much more frequent that you'll run into somebody who you're related to.

And that's being careful. And now I feel bad for making light or fun of that situation, because that's kind of sweet, but they care.

But I feel like Icelandic people have great senses of humor. They're very hardy people. They don't give a shit. They're not dipse. Yeah that's not how they are.

Yeah, yeah, they're more laid back then we give them credit. Someone just watched the Equal Pay. I just have to my My dad's familiar with Mike Kaplan and he already loves Karen. I just want my dad, who just walked in he washed his car, to say hello, Hello, Jim Fairbanks, come to the mic and just say hello and then hello, yeah, talking to the talking stick.

Yeah, I was five minutes away. It took me forty minutes to get here.

I know, I knew you got lost. I sent him on a journey to go get his car washed.

Well, I'm just going to go around the lake.

Take a look at that pretty lake with the paddle boats and yeah, yeah, they're all excited. I said, Well, maybe I won't get.

Out because I'm just going to run right back.

Yeah that was forty five minutes.

Okay, we'll get on the paddle boats. We're gonna do that together.

Okay, wait in my bedroom.

Father, I don't ever we said high.

Yeah, tell him we're saying high I know, because you can't hear.

Yes, of course, and that's something I didn't realize, as he wouldn't have. He's waiting for a response, and I'm wearing the only cans in the house.

Uh cans.

Oh Lord, thank your father, my dad.

When you go on those boats, Uh, do you think you'll call them daddle boats?

You know, only because of that's who I'm with.

I gotta Yeah, it's uh, it's it's a lake that's been renovated that they they took a dozen bodies out of it from over the years, and now it's it's yeah. Yeah, there was a lot of uh, disposing of bodies in Echo Park Lake.

Some renovation.

Yeah, that's all they did. And uh, you know that's the only planted. Some plants added, some turtles, got rid of some human cadavers.

Different here.

Yeah, it's just the overall vibe.

Oh yeah, there used to be legs in those lily pads.

That's a that's a guy.

That's like a New York mafia guy.

That's good some body. Oh no, we don't use this lake anymore. Oh where do we go now? Yeah? The tar pits, Yes, of.

Course, Yes, of course, of course, which also I was going to bring my dad to. I've never been to the tar Pits. There's so many things in Los Angeles I've ignored for twenty years.

I actually know a lot because my dad does like to visit me a lot. I know a lot of good dad places because he's very picky and he only wants to do like he's very preference based. Can I get it's Peterson Auto Museums if he likes cars.

Of course, which is right near the course it is, Yeah, there used to be a car actually hanging outside.

Yeah.

And then that's right where Moca is. I think right down right there on Wilshire. You're kind of like there's a nice spot. And then I think there's a Marie Calendars if it hasn't closed.

And he could get what every dad wants, some French onion soup with cheese on top, is.

A bit of pie.

What is Mocha? That's our museum? That's the one. Yeah, with all those street lights in front of people, use it's a photo op.

Okay, it might be Lacma.

Sorry, it might be lack I know it's Lackma.

I didn't want to condescend and correct haa coming up soon.

The Anthony Tony joke, I don't know why I did.

If I may briefly digress us slightly further, You Karen and I both mentioned the libre at tarpets, and I don't know if y'all have listened to music and we've spoken of music, everything makes sense, everything's connected. It's free association, still continuing.

These associations are free.

Time has made up my man, it does not exist.

So Zach sherwhin the aforementioned Luigi to my Mario. He has a song called Good Heavens, and I was like, I think he mentions the libret tarpets in it. So if I may just offer, if people are not familiar with Zach's music and the crossword show, please become familiar. But on the song good Heavens, which is track one on the album Brutus, he he says, and I'm just doing a reading, not like, not at all a an up to snuff performance rendition. But he says, I spit

Vista, Oh so good. That's sweet. Yeah, it's nice.

Yes, it is a selection of consonants.

He's so good. He's the one he does. Is it about flags?

Oh, flag roast? Is that one?

Yes?

Asking God damn it. I saw that so long ago.

It was like so long ago that he performed it on a show I was working on, and I was just like, what is fucking going on? I love that feeling. I've gotten it A bunch of times as I've done comedy over the years, were like in the beginning when I started stand up comedy, it was like, I know all comedy and I've decided this is what it's like, and I'm going to try to get to the top

The last class.

I like to call class like it's high school, but I do it by decade, and I felt like by the time I was watching people like Zac Sherwin or the first time I saw Jared Logan do a set and work the crowd like that kind of thing where I'm just like, oh, this is fucking next level in a way that I didn't like. I dropped, I was kicked out of college. I couldn't do this if I wanted to. I had no idea what any of those flags were. Like that idea of watching people and being like, oh,

It's so awesome because I always have tried to play to that back of the room and it's been a priority. Be it a good or idea to make the comics laugh. But if instead of laughing I heard the comics go what the fuck?

That would feel so good.

If they're like kind of kind of upset that the it's a new thing, that would feel so good.

Chris, What you could do?

You don't have to do this, but all you could do if you want to really entertain the back of the room, just you go to the back of the room and then tell the audience that now the front of the room is the back of the room.

Exactly?

Can I tell you one more? Zach Sherwin fun musical fact. There is a song that he wrote that I think I know in full more than he does. Like we've talked about, there's some songs that I've written that I've forgotten. This is not in his regular rotation, like he might have recorded it but not released it.

I know, Yes, I know some Henry Phillips songs better than Henry Phillips.

Yes. Yeah.

And this song, I'll just tell you the concept of the song and a couple of the lyrics. It was when Eminem came out with a new album and Zach and we listened to it. I remember having a conversation and Zach just came up with this this description of what Eminem was doing, which is like he's rhyming. He's so good at rhyming. He's not only rhyming things that

None of them rhymes, but he makes them rhyme.

Yea.

And then Zach introduces the concept of he learned about a thing called a Twinkie burger, which apparently some company found this thing where they like flash fry and like smashed down Twinkies as the bun, and then there's a burger and cheese and bacon.

We're both upset by this and it seems.

Like yeah, and so it seems like it shouldn't work, and so Zach is like, what Eminem is doing is like creating these lyrical twinkieburgers, and then he the song everything rhymes with the word twinkieburger, and it's it. I'll just if I may the first couple lyrics, he says, let me kick a rhyme like a twin key burger. By the time I'm done, you're gonna think.

Keys burger lyric lee.

It's like sponge cake buns, applewood, bacon, beef, Patty's in cheese were merged. I'm cooking this up, but I'm out of my tree, opposite of how the freakin' keeblers work.

And it just keeps going.

It's it's like, it's one of my favorite things in like one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite people, and it's just like one of my favorite artistic experiences. Like it's like because yeah, like you were saying, Karen, Like, when you start, you see what other people have done, and you're like, oh, can I do my version of what they're doing, or maybe even my own? Can I invent my own genre? Can I be my own flavor? Am I creating a brand new instrument and a whole

Did you know we could do that?

I mean, we can't excuse me, teacher, this is this was not the assignment. They're doing better than.

Us, They're doing so much better. But also I just recently saw TikTok about how like kind of hyper pattern recognition is a coping mechanism of children who are like in certain situations whatever. It's not always like bad, but it's just a thing that kids develop when maybe their needs aren't met in specific ways. So becoming highly attuned to patterns is how you get them met, or is how you figure it out. And I saw that TikTok like four days ago, and all I can think about was.

Like, that's all of comedy.

That's all of comedy because it's this kind of like whether the pattern is a sarcasm or the pattern is metaphor, or the pattern is do you like rap? I'm going to comedy rap. You're going to recognize what I'm doing, and I'm going to make you laugh.

I'm going to combine it like I'm going to blow your mind.

All of that is just more and more heightened pattern recognition and like the appreciation of it. It's just I don't know, I love it and I love it.

Yeah, and I mean even more broadly than comedy. I mean, of course, it is exactly what's happening in comedy and music and art and also in just humanity.

We are all, you know, meaning.

Seekers like pattern like we need. If you don't recognize patterns, then you may die from the thing that killed your friend that you didn't you're like, oh, that thing poisoned him.

But it's probably fine for me, yeah, mutually for me.

Yeah, yeah, I will eat this tiger, you know, Oh no, the tiger will eat Okay.

Yeah, I see a pattern forming.

Yeah, fascinating, fascinating.

I didn't know you were. And it, of course almost comedically makes sense that you have a master's in linguistics, and there's something that a linguist linguistics person told me once that I've always repeated, and I don't even know if there's any truth to it. But I'm from the you know, kind of Pacific. I'm from Montana, so it's not even Pacific Northwest, but I would say I'm close. I'm next to that panhandle of Idaho. He told me that that part of the country is the only part

And the be part of that question is what's the Craig and Auto Parts theme song in that.

Part of the country?

Yes, all leaning up to Tony's joke coming up?

Of course I will here, I'll say a few different things that will dance around the answer to your question.

I'll give you the answer to your question is he hasn't done it.

It gets me excited when that happens. That I appreciate it.

So newscasters are like famously historically have trained themselves to speak with as it's weird to say, like without an accent, or with as little you know, discernible accent. But here's the thing is, of course, like to a British person, everyone in the United States has an accent. They speak English.

And any as someone from Louisiana, I'm going to have as as strong of an accent as they do to me.

Oh yeah, you're you know you definitely depends on you. You have an accent you sure, yeah.

That's people. But the confusing thing is I've been asked if I'm from Canada, but I've also been asked if I'm from Philadelphia specifically, so I don't. It's like, well, where's the logic in that I don't.

Yeah, everyone out there just ask him where are you from?

If you want, you know, don't have rather than yes, you don't have to guess.

You don't have to pin people down conversationally.

It's weird.

I know, I know it's weird.

It's just interesting to me.

I guess this is geographic linguistic astrology.

You don't have to do it. Yeah, yeah, you're.

It's it's teetering on the edge of an unhealthy thing to even care about. I think, Yeah, so I've decided I don't care anymore.

And with that, I think that you need to re sing the East Coast Craig and Auto Parts theme and tell us and yes, oh if you have anything to plug before you do this, and this can be the final button.

If we do it that way, I'd love to do it.

And so yes, in conclusion, the AutoZone theme and joke by Anthony slash Tony someone Anthony and before that, yes, Mike Caplan is my name, and it's spelled weird compared to many people who spell their names differently. Maybe you're all weird. Maybe everyone's weird except for me. So Mike Kaplan, m y q ka p l A N. That is all of my social media. It's my website. You can

My podcasts are called Broccoli.

And ice Cream and the Faucet, and I would love to have each of you on as guests. And I love talking to people that I love and I love you and I am oh I'm also a stand up comedian. I don't know if I mentioned that very so I will be in My tour dates are usually on my website. I will be going to the Edinburgh Fringe Fest in August of twenty twenty three, so if you are there or want to be there, my show that I'm doing

I have many albums. The two newest ones are.

Called AKA, which is short for All Killing Aside because the topic the theme is love, compassion and not murdering.

Big fan of not murdering. And the other album.

That I recorded previously but only widely released this year is called Live in Between Albums because I recorded it in between two themed hours that but I had a lot of jokes that didn't fit with the hours and I was like, great, I'd like.

To record these also.

So Live in Between Albums has a wonderful new Ramene Naser.

Artwork cover Yeah that and yeah so those I think those are the things I'm really excited about.

The new show that I'm touring with that I will be bringing to Edinburgh and hopefully recording soon. Imperfect is about another theme show about my girlfriend our relationship. She is a co creator and contributor, not only to this podcast. Thank you again, Rene for your help, your helping, intending help to all a bunch of people who understand less

And now, with only.

A little more further ado Anthony's I'll start it over just to give you to let you know. This is this the way that the song goes on the East Coast, and he sings it. He's like AutoZone, get in the zone.

If you want it, if you need it, just ask us and we'll get it.

And then he says, yeah, that's how most businesses work. If you ask them for something, then they'll get it for you. And then he imagines, I forget the exact phrasing, but he then sets up like this could be their theme song. If you want it, if you need it, just ask us, but I'm on my break now, so talk to another guy. Or then he'll be like, actually, we don't have that in stock right now, call the other store. Maybe I'm gonna be I'll be back for

Get it in the zone.

Yeah, I love it is the best. That's our new theme song.

Thank you for really that was the perfect button.

That's so great.

That was executed perfectly.

Yeah, thank you, thank you so much for having me.

It is a pleasure to see your faces and hear your voices, and uh, I thank you and love you.

I love you as well you've been I love you, Mike. Yeah, Karen loves you too. Mike included thank you, Thank you the listening to do you need to write?

D Y n A R.

This has been an exactly right production.

Produced by Analise Nelson, mixed by Edson Choy. Our talent booker is Patrick Cootner.

Theme song by Karen Kilgarret.

Artwork by Chris Fairbanks.

Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at dinar podcast That's d y n ar Podcast.

For more information, go to exactly rightmedia dot com.

Thank you, oh Welcome,