S3 - Ep. 67 - Tess Barker

Hello, do you need ride fans? It's Christopher James Fairbanks, letting you know about a few shows I have coming up here in May. On the tenth, Brooklyn, New York, I'll be at the Bellhouse. If you live in New York, please go to that show. I'm very excited about it. And then the next night, the eleventh, I'll be in jam and Java. Please be BBD in Vienna, Virginia. That's near DC. Closing out this little run, I'll be at City Winery this time in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Please go to

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Tell us about it. We scared or was it fine? Malborn? Do you need to ride?

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Do you need with Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need to ride?

This is Chris Fairbanks and this is Karen Kilgaroff.

Hello, Karen. I feel like I haven't seen you in days, just mere days. Yeah, I saw you in real life.

I know that was that was incredible.

It had been more than a year. That's what a lot of people don't know.

That's how hilarious.

Is that not true?

I don't think it's true, but it isn't. But it can't be far off because it's been so long.

But it was very fun and I, you know, after it was on the heels of that diet. I had the best cheeses. It was my first day off of that damn thing. And I still feel great though I had a little cheese, big deal. Still haven't drink. I think I haven't without going through any sort of program. I tricked myself into not drinking anymore.

That's good. Yeah, well you're doing it. You don't need a program if you can do it based on just purely how you feel, and you feel that much of an improvement. That's why sometimes those and here it do you need a ride. We do not endorse dieting in any way, except if you have arthritic inflammations exactly some kind of a you know, gas strotestinal issue whatever.

We only approve of dieting for medical purposes.

Yeah, or if you just feel shitty and that is somehow going to They understand.

I felt medically shitty and now I feel terrific. My brain works better. That's the one thing I noted once I started doing stand up. I was like, I was remembering all my jokes, and that made me realize, oh, I'm usually kind of drunk by the second show, just out of habit, and that was a weird realization. All of my shows went well. I thought that just with stand up you had to have a couple bad shows, but I think it.

Was me Well, I think these are the kinds of things we adapt to. First of all, I became a stand up comedian because I was an alcoholic, and it was the perfect like a thing to It wasn't it was more than a hobby. It was like something I was really trying to do. But at the same time, it was the perfect setup to be like, well, if I don't have a drink in my hand, that's weird. I'll be the weird one.

Especially, Yeah, you're getting paid and drinks when you first start.

Yes, And also it's like I could have chosen to be a librarian, but you know that didn't get me closer to the drink quotient that I wanted to be reaching every single night.

So I do remember my high school librarian did have a flask in her drawer. So you can still party, which.

Oh yeah, I guess that's true. I think it. Depending on the school you work out, you probably want to. But yeah, you know there.

Was a lot of teachers with flasks. Yeah yeah, yeah, Well.

We support teachers drinking anytime they want, day or not, exactly whatever, as long as you're not hitting anybody.

Yeah, exactly, as long as it makes you an ire teacher.

If you get ire with it, yea support you definitely do it after work down at Applebee's for sure.

Yeah, of course please. Speaking of Island vibes, I'm very excited about our guests today.

Yeah, yeah, the perfect seguee.

Yes, I mean they just flow out of me.

Yeah you get it.

Oh yeah, I totally get it. It's always it's always there, you know, are from clubs and colleges across the country, writer, podcast or hilarious comedian. Everyone put your ears together for Test Barker. Hi, Hi Test, Hi Test.

Hello Hello how's it going, you know, pretty good TVH. It sounded like you were being h and I appreciate that. Yeah, yeah, I try to keep it age scarin the good. That's nice because you it almost felt like a discovery as you were saying it, like pretty good.

Actually, yeah, well, because I feel like today kind of felt like that day because it got like warm today and so it kind of feels like the first day where I'm like pretty good, Like.

Yeah, i had an Italian sub for lunch. I've been listening to Jewel all day, really warm, pretty good. Yeah, that's a real no complaints day right there with you just described that sounds like me in ninety one. Yeah exactly.

You just said said that was like a time machine. I never forgot about Jewel.

I know, every three years I remember about her, and I'm so glad I did.

And I was actually caremul I was listening to her.

I was like, you kind of have you remind me of Jewel a little bit like you guys both have that like clear folk.

Thank you. Yeah, I have to be honest right now and say that in my in my I would say my sophomore year of comedy, I went in pretty hard on the low affair just because that was what you're supposed to do at the time. Is about being contrary

But I mean, I think you can be absolved now and no one needed to know that, You're right.

I'm just I'm putting it out there as a like, get this out of me and yeah, so we don't have to talk about it. It's the Catholic things.

Sean does that to me all the time, Like he confesses his like food to me, hope, like I had six wings and then bacon like on my sandwich and like six hel marys.

I what's the answer, what's the answer to that? To that amount of wings?

Right?

It doesn't feel good though I love coming clean about stuff. It feels. Then it's you're like, okay, like now I'm done with that. Yeah you hangle light on it.

Yeah, come all the way clean and tell this jewel joke. It's not on YouTube. I just searched now.

You literally I could not remember I talk about her having a baby talking like a baby, and then I'm sure it was something that led to pedophilia.

Okay, oh right, yeah, because oh you like if you like that, because for a while I get it.

I give it was just you know, I feel like in the early nineties comedy there was just a lot of wild swings at whoever was like on a magazine at the time. Yeah, it's just like what we were all doing.

Yeah, and Lila Fair was easy to make fun of unfortunately, but then like.

Looking back, it slept completely like I mean, oh my god. And also that was all I just caught. Somebody just retweeted something, a video of it, and it was Sarah McLaughlan was the one that did it all because she was so sick of like all these female musicians were like killing it in the charts, but they were just constantly being compared to each other and like, oh, well, if you're here aren't you mad at so and so? It was like all that bullshit, you know, it was

That's the problem and the font, if we're being honest, I think it was like it's very I'm giving like Celtic fair.

Yeah, there had to be a Celtic not in there.

Yeah, yes there was. There was some sort of Enya pointing to Enya style, you know, lowercase along why tail on the why just the type of vibe.

Can I tell you guys, I haven't.

I guess I don't know what. I guess.

I'm just going through a nineties thing right now. But I have a neighbor who has a bumper sticker that says I had rather be crying to Ya, and I just wanted to find out who this person is and befriend them.

Yeah, that is so specific. That's like someone that they had to have that bumper stick.

Man, right, yeah, what if it's it turns out it's just Brandy Posey's card.

Oh my god, here are any friends with her? Fifteen years? I never knew Posey wasn't in your head.

No, she's crying a real big fish.

Yeah, crying to scot that's disturbing. Oh my god, I'd rather be crying to yet. And Yeah, here's what I love is when people there was one that uh one that went viral that somebody took. It looked like they were behind them in the Starbucks drive through line or whatever, and it said tell your cat, I said, which is the fucking funniest bumper sticker of all time?

Is so good?

Yeah, that's incredible. People are funny, Like I know, I used to just think like it was me and my friends and maybe eight other people, like you had to do stand up to be funny. And it's like, here's the sad news. Everybody's funny. Yeah, yeah, it's true.

That guy at the bar that's like everyone says, I'm funny, Like he stand ups like to be like why don't you stand up. You're not funny. He's funny. He is the junk guy at the bar's funny. Like, no one's funnier than my grandpa. Like I was talking at my grandpa's ninety two and I was talking to him, like he was telling me about this trip he went onto Mexico a few years ago. I said, did you see the ruins when you were in Mexico and you just went the only ruins around were me?

Yeah?

Like high five?

Yeah, I love Grandpa's joking about partying exactly.

Did you guys see that video when the lady, some lady ran up onto like Mayan temple and everybody there started screaming. It was like it's so, you know, obviously a sacred sight and so being preserved and all that stuff. And some lady tried r ran halfway up to try to like get her picture or whatever, and the entire group that was there just people just started screaming at ours. Look that one up. It's amazing.

That sounds like a really did she succeed in taking the picture? Or is it like when a model falls?

It was she It was kind of far away, so I'm you know, somebody was videoing it, but everyone was because that's the only thing you're looking at is this big temple in front of you that's been there for like, you know, a thousand years or more. But what was great is just there's people yelling at her in Spanish, people yelling at her in English. It was just like everyone there was just like you're disgusting, Like how dare you?

Yeah, amazing, And I think those are like not standard steps like you have.

That's a lot of efforting.

Those are like Mayan height steps, yes, yeah, for not rituals.

Yeah, there's a real effort she put into breaking all the rules and getting up there, and then just basically I think, uh, you can get charged with a crime if you do that, Yeah, I would. There's all kinds of stuff I would hope.

Yeah.

And also just bad, did you probably like of all the places? Yes, like terrible.

Yeah, sacred ground. Yeah, yeah, it reminds me at the time, I was at Glacier Park and they do have signs off the trail. The trail is like a wooden deck that you walk up, but it's a protected tundra, the weird tundras on all these signs, but I saw a ground square or marmot I think it's called. Oh they're great. They have great posture and they yell at you, and they have buff teeth and they're pretty cute. But a bud was like had this guy pinned down and he

Wow. Yeah, she was defending the natural order. Like you can't be defending that marmot. Now he's too weak to be existing on the tundra, right, Yeah, she she.

Just didn't have a place in her heart for animals, but she did for plants.

But like, I don't think Chris that you like that story tells me that you could not be a videographer for a planet Earth because you gotta just let it be.

I know, I can't. That was nothing was a more natural occurrence than that bird attacking it. And then I come in with my with my clothes and my my unused camera, and I try and the same way.

We saw when I was in Vancouver, we saw some killer whales kill a seal, and like everyone else that we were with loved it, but I just I couldn't.

I didn't I loved it.

I was the only person on the boat that was like this, this is deeply disturbing.

Was it a bunch of heavy metal dudes?

It was like yeah, but Kitsie, it was like yeah, I mean it was cool seeing the killer whales like up that close and like when they would come out of the water and do flips and stuff.

Yeah, of course that was cool.

But the blood squirting out, that's not majestic. I what a question of those people on the boat are nuts.

Well and actually, well, okay, I'll tell you it's not that bloody. How they do it is actually a little bit more disturbing. They were teaching the baby how to kill and how they do it is they stun the seal and so they kill it and they like put into a coma first, and then they knock it around like a volleyball for a while, oh like.

With their tails.

Yeah, and then they take it down and they eat it down deep.

Wow.

Yeah.

Wow. It starts with head trauma. Yeah wow.

But that's nice because then it's there's a it's there's mercy at the beginning. Sure it's not, because here's what's interesting I just heard, and here's the kind of world we're starting to live in. I don't know if I saw this on TikTok, if I heard it on a podcast, if I dreamed it, if I left on animal Planet and went to sleep and drink. So there's this is not verifiable at the moment. And also I'm not giving credit to the people I heard it from, which I

I'm gonna. I'm gonna. I have to see the orca surgery where they isolate and extract just the liver.

Right, It's like that Audrey's Tattoo movie where they like, maybe they sell the rest on the black market in the ocean, Like maybe another animal is selling shark brain down on the Mexican Gulf.

Yes, that's right, shark fins.

Wow, I really, I'm actually I desperately want to go diving with great whites and I found a place in Mexico that I was gonna do it, and they just went out of business.

And why did they go out of business? Because someone got eaten? Act one thousand percent.

Now nobody got eaten A couple of sharks have gotten harmed by digging their noses into the cages, which is kind of problematic. But I actually from the article I read, it actually sounds like it was the fishermen in the area kind of being dicks to the shark people.

Okay, Well, this headline that Anally's forwarded kind of answers my surgery question, and it's absolutely horrifying. It says, discover how killer whales squeeze out great white livers like toothpaste. Yes, that's a headline. Without gagging, they continued to type and tell.

Where is it in the body? Does it have a picture?

No, I'm requiring myself not to view the visuals. I just that show. Also, it just makes you think a liver toothpaste? Which something?

Is there a picture?

If I'm squeamish, I'm afraid there is.

Okay, I'm going it's uh oh now, I'm oh no, I'm gonna look.

Wait, it is the squeezing from the middle.

Okay, I mean, if it's anything like toothpaste, it's from the bottom. I don't I Oh, there's no picture of the actual liver squeezing. That's just a guind photo. That shows a otherwise intimidating shark in despair, which I guess since they used to be the bullies.

It's kind of hilarious to see. It looks like Jaws is crying as two orches on either side are like yeah yeah, and he's like no, yeah.

I guess. I like that Jaws is crying.

He's like, guy Scott.

I feel like Steven Spielberg did Sharks so dirty, Like you guys just brought up Jaws, Like we have so much sharkphobia as a species, and like I when I worked at MTV News, they wrote an article about sharks in California because I was like, it seems like there's been a lot more great Waite spottings in California. I talked to a shark scientist who was like, they've been here the whole time. We just have drones so now

Movie, right, Tess, I need to do a point counterpoint with you right now.

Okay, because I'm from the California, I grew up twenty five miles away from Stinson Beach where they surfers get eaten by great white sharks constantly.

It's a thing. They have signs, so a, I'll put that there, and then b sharks. They only live to kill things. That is all they do. It's they literally like don't sleep. I think they're just constantly moving and constantly trying to eat things.

Have you ever seen their teeth going after Yeah, we've all seen their teeth and then the following several sets behind them. They have a backup teams. They have teeth that are riding the bench waiting to be the base.

Chaincase one tooth goes out tearing flesh, there's a backup flesh tearing.

I think they're eating these surfers because they're all in black wetsuits and they think that they're seals, like a lot of as. I don't think they have it out for us humans. That's why I don't know why they don't make like wildly colored striped wetsuits. I think they do, actually.

But I bet they started to.

I feel so vulnerable in a shiny black body suit.

Right, we basically put on seal costumes. Yeah, yeah, that's true. They might not have it out for humans, but they certainly don't have it in for humans. That's all.

I feel like we humans, We are the serial part of the lucky charms for them, like they would rather not.

Right, We've only heard that we don't taste good, Yeah, because of all the processed food and liquor we drink.

Yeah, our livers actually do taste like toothpaste. And that's a real bummer for them when they do eat us. And I know what you mean, and I'm actually going to counterpoint myself by saying, you're right the danger that we've put sharks in people killing sharks, assuming that that's going to be almost like a preemptive Now everyone's safe.

Exactly, Like most sharks are docile, and like even I know the northern California they are bigger. But I have a lot of friends that surf too, And like when they you say they eat a surfer, don't you just mean like nip?

Yeah, they take off one foot, that's a nip, right.

It's just nipping with seven rows of sharp keep.

Is it's just that, yeah, like asparagus and then I swim off.

Yeah. Yeah.

But again, I think it's because of that fucking movie, because it has a great.

Score and a great me of good and evil.

And it's so easy who's the good guy and who's the bad guy, and it gives us a distorted view of us it's the good guy, when in fact we are the bad guy.

It taught us to hate mayors exactly.

It taught us to love Fourth of July exactly. Have you guys heard about this story? And I covered it on My Favorite Murder because it's truly one of my favorite things I ever. When I found out about it, I was like, this can't be real. There's a story of in the thirties or forties, a shark kind of got lost, went the wrong way and ended up going up this very very small river and I believe it was New Jersey or New York state, I can't remember.

Yeah.

I think two, definitely two boys were killed by this shark. There may have been more children or more people killed. I can't remember. But it was this freak like thing that never happened. But then suddenly it was just like it's like every horror movie where like it's not people going out into the ocean and having a gigantic shark eat them. It's like the shark came up a river to find some people.

It's like when Jason came to Manhattan.

But flat laying down, flat.

More swimmy, but still just as dead eyed.

Just as scary and yeah, absolutely socopathic in the same way.

Wow, And if only they had listened to the town drunk. That just goes to show. Listen to the town drunk.

Listen to drunks. They're smart. Say what you will about drunks. They tell the truth, that's right, they yell the truth. Usually. I mean, I'm again talking about myself.

Yeah, you're right, that is true. I tell the truth whenever I'm drunk. It's when the it's the last few weeks of sobriety that I've been lying to myself and others.

M Chris, what do you think is the what kind of do you do? You have any examples of clarity that you want to share with Tessa and I with your one month right free of alcohol?

It is, yeah, just a month and a week. And I don't mean to be preachy about this. I may fall off the wagon tomorrow. I haven't even established there is a wagon, and I can't remember if if messing up is falling on or off.

The point is I always get that confused as well? Yeah, yeah, because what's the wagon? It's confusing matter wagon is.

Being on the wagon is sobriety, sobriety falling off is a delicious beverage.

If you want to drink on the wagon, right, Okay, go ahead, right.

I honestly my brain the two things I've noticed, and maybe it could have been the sugar and things like that, but I think we all know it's the booze. I have been not suddenly feeling depressed at night when unexplained, you know, there isn't a depressant coursing through me. I didn't expect that I've been generally happier, and then, yeah, my memory is better. I'm not better at talking, as we've displayed during this there's been a void that might

Yeah, that's great when you were because I yeah, I realized a few years ago that like it's way better to do to end up completely sober, which is so shitty. Yeah, because like, and I will volunt when I do stand up with Babs and Brandy all offer to go first so that I can start drinking after my set.

Right, You're like, I'm not waiting. I'm not waiting for your shit.

But yeah, it does make and I find too with the timing. I think even one drink can sort of throw off I think my connection with the audience and the timing because you have to be like it's almost more like like how you have to be when you're doing something athletic, right, where you kind of have to be like all the weight dial or it's better when you're all the way dialed in, Yes, for sure.

Well, and it's the kind of thing I think, Uh, you know, people who are funny take it for granted of the what it takes to be funny, right, you guys have probably been funny your whole lives. It's part of who you are. So that's like you're not worried about that part. But then there's this other part of it, and then it's like, yeah, I can mess around with this a little bit and either get a little buzzed or a little whatever, because ultimately I'm still funny and

Yeah, like you're gonna have a great time regardless if you have like your first it's not going to impact your enjoyability and may increase it, right, Yeah, exactly.

And it is.

I think it's also can be a little bit of a gifted kid thing too, of like I'm gonna get it might be an a but I can do this yeahah in my locker, you know, during recess and not actually do my real homework and still pass this class kind of vibe too completely.

Yeah, it's also trying to shake the initial realization that when you're young, like I was pretty shy and if I said, ain'tthing funny, it was under my breath or to the person next to me. Come senior year, I finally started going to these parties that I never went to, and I all of a sudden had this courage to be funny to groups of people and it was working. And then I thought, so then I've sat in my

That, but m hmm, yeah, because it works because it's the truth. I mean, that was my You know, I really loved drinking from the day I started, when I was like fourteen years old or whatever, nightmarishly young age. I started because I did have this ongoing, like onslaught of internal dialogue that was like, don't do that. He looked terrible, constant and drinking two beers and suddenly being like that's gone, and now what else is going on?

Like that feeling was run and do a front flip over bonfire?

Yes, all of a sudden, I should.

I wait till the senior year of high school to be the coolest student in town. Do you hear about Fency front flipped over the bonfire, broke his nose on Ben Johnson's shoulder, legendary?

Yeah, of course, yeah.

I wouldn't have gotten that with my previous years as skim milk.

Those are the only two choices in life liquor or skim milk.

Yeah, and make your choice or together in a white Russian what's your what is your favorite?

Like if you had a tough day and you were to show when you just finished, what's your dream cocktail? Somebody would hand you when you walk off.

Stage, like a paloma or something with tequila.

Here, what's a paloma?

It is tequila, grapefruit juice, grapefruit soda and then on the rim tajein and salt. Yeah, what's if you know that like it's on you know when you get like the street fruit that has like the mango and that like red spice, it's like that.

Yeah, yeah, oh nice. Yeah, Chrissy, you said, yes, have you had palomas?

Oh yeah, I'm at tequila boy, it's index sugar that it processes down to. A doctor told me to drink tequila. So no more brown liquors from you, some eighty year old hip doctor.

Yeah.

I was prescribed tequila.

Aaron Lampard told me like six years ago that tequila was good for you, and I've been writing that high ever since.

Aaron works at that Barini. That place is the best.

Yes, yeah, great wine bar and she's got impeccable taste in wine. That is one of that's if I'm going to choose, I love to go to Lampy's wine bar with a book, be like, Lampy, pour me something weird. Yeah, and just I like a weird wine some olives.

See, that's what I can see myself doing after I spend a little more time doing Let's go back and have like a classy glass of orange wine, which is a new that's it's one of my favorites, somewhere between red and white. I'm assuming we can all assume that.

Yeah, what is that a some sort of a rose? It's an off rose.

Yeah, it's like in the rose family. Yeah, it's basically rose, but it's orange, which is like just so fun.

And I don't have to say I'll have a rose please. I can't because of the Rose all Day sign in my kitchen. It's an embarrassed that it's even hanging there.

Teacher, It's is private sign. Please don't read it Rose all Day. There is a lot of at home goods. There's a lot of rose merch that you can get down there, or wind declaratives if you need, you know, a sign.

Or a.

Yeah, no care. What are you a home good are you in? What's going on with the food at home goods? I guess is my question?

Oh thank you for asking. I have now organized it in a way. I Here's the thing. The food isle at home goods I find is almost always too crowded to go into because once you start looking at stuff, you're like, oh, pasta made of corn, Who's I understand why this is here? No one wants that or whatever. You start looking, but then you're like, wait a second, aren't chocolate covered gummy bears a good idea? This is what I do every time. And then I'm like and

Yes, And then like there will also be like novelty aspects to it, like sometimes Hello Kitty will be on Apasta for some reason and I'm often I guess really high there. I must be high because I'm like, hello Kitty pasta Like it's like it knows I'm high.

Yes, yes, It's like it's made by and four stoners where it's just like come down here and just see how far you'll go with a snack.

But it's like stoner ladies who also have a membership at the Huntington Gardens, Like that's.

Me, you found me. I belong here. But the last time I went to Home Goods all that's happening in the food aisle I could not find a spatula. Or it's just like isn't this what you guys are supposed to be doing? And like they don't. That's the funniest thing. And the thing I love about that place is it's it is perfect for like if you want a stone shop or you just want to like kill forty five minutes.

It would magically, know, if you weren't looking for a spatula, there would be like a purple spatula there that day, Like you could only find it if you didn't need it.

Yes, you're like a spatula from the TV show Friends. That's weird, Okay, I don't. I have three spatulas. I don't need it. But if you were really just trying to outfit your house, you know that's not That's not the place to go. Although I bet right now for Easter they have a bunch of great shit down there. Just a bunch of baskets, yeah, baskets, but all giant eggs. I bet you like eggs that go in the middle of the table that if you break them open, there's like a small diorama inside.

Mm maybe and like eggs with like a map of the world, like a globe, but it's an egg.

Yeah, and a lot of cats. I assume they're a Catholic company.

I'm just guessing, probably because they go pretty hard on Christmas. Although I did get a ray done mug there that's the lady that just draws in that very thin font it all caps and will say like, I have a mug that says mommy on it, but it looks like it looks like someone's screaming it because the way the font is like they made it to seem nice, but it doesn't seem nice. You have to see it. And then I found one that says Shaloam, where I'm like, well,

Wait, that font is someone's art. I've seen that font.

Yes, it's the is this woman who she did it first and she now has this. You know, it's a huge company, like very successful, and it's basically all those things that are made uneven pottery. And then like a word on the front that says like candies or whatever. Sometimes it's funny or whatever, but yeah, she's gigantic, and there's people that are obsessed with those with her, with her products.

I'd like, that's the type of thing that's impossible to reverse engineer. But I hear that, and I'm like, why am I not focusing all of my energy on lopsided pottery? You know?

Yeah?

Or it's yeah, something very easy and specific that seems to be the recipe for success. Now I'm gonna spread myself thin on a bunch of complicated things that I will follow through with.

That I know have no real like lucrative ending.

Yeah, let me hunt over for hours doing detailed drawings, when really I should do some thin calligraphy. God damn it.

You should do like the just the word cookies and all caps with like a smiley face, and a million people will buy your.

Jar, yeah or whatever. I think the best idea I had was sharks and pizza. That's the name of the website. Everything on there has sharks and pizza. It's somehow mingling, and that's that's all I do. You're the sharks and pizza.

Guy combined, like a shark eating a pe pizza or a shark with pizza teeth. Great pitches right.

There, Yes, shark shape pizza slices, a pizza pizza wearing sunglasses, surfing on a wave made of sharks.

It's endless and orca eating a shark eating a.

Pizza squeezing out pizza from the shark like toothpaste. Oh, this is gidding.

This is good.

Oh god, I gotta write that down.

This is and it's also destined for home goods. That's a you're describing the perfect home goods item.

Yeah, a shark pizza Christmas ornament, reeks of home.

Goods, pizza cutter with shark shaped teeth on the circle cutting part.

I like a shark with little pizza slices for teeth. It's just smiling and it's I mean, it's a perfect shape. This is the kind of brainstorming session I needed.

Yeah, this is what you need it. And also the shark maybe the cartoon that you could do is like the shark biting and I'm like, ah, you know, biting is like bottom lip and being like whoops, I did it again. Oh that's cute.

I'm gonna be I'm gonna be like Lisa Frank this is gonna be this.

Is I at your first At Christmas time, I was trying to get a bunch of last minute stuff before I went up to up to Pedaloma, and one of the things I found was a mermaid tail that you could pull up like you could pull on and up to your waist, and then it was like having a blanket, like a lap blanket, so it was like a thing to be cozy and as you watch TV and I pull I was gonna get my niece one and my other two older nieces and I was carrying them around

Right, The size might be an issue, But I have a pretty good track record with buying my niece's childlike things that I know they'll like that I know they're too old for. But I'm reminded of the time I felt like I discovered a onesie pajama with like little skateboarders on it, and as an adult, I got so excited because I never had it as a kid. And they make adult onesie pajamas. Yes, they do zipper up front, and nothing will make you happier. I encourage everyone to

Yeah, there's only like five years where you don't want to be eleven, right, I think that's it. It's just I guess from thirteen to eighteen.

Yeah, But then like college kids like to act like babies.

I think, can I remember being in college only taking a blanket with me to class?

I think I wore a onesee in college.

Yeah.

I was also doing a lot of Molly, so I had a lot of pacifiers.

Man, they had back when you were in college.

That's oh, oh my god.

I think it was college when I realized I need to start wearing pajamas because in the dorms, the bathroom was in the hallway, and my whole life I've just slept in my underwear. So the first few weeks I was just making sure no one was in the hallway and just running out there in my boxers. And then you know, there was like girlfriends visiting, you know, I think it was a co wreck dormitory, and I was walking around in my underwear just because I didn't grow

Straight from skivies to a little onesie.

Uh no, I yeah, No. I went classic shorts with shirt, you know, classic pajamas with some piping and a nice pocket in case you want to bring a mouse to.

Bed like a dad in a Disney movie.

Yes, I get Disney Dad. I finally got pajamas. I remember vividly, like, hey, I think I need pajamas. You can get me that for Christmas, because I mean there was a couple episodes I think once the flap was open. I don't want to get graphic, but I was exposing myself to other students and I'm glad that that I finally discovered pajamas at age eighteen.

I feel like my college dorm, like you would like, it was just everybody. There were so many naked people always like, what college did you go to?

And we're say, Santa Barbara, Oh.

Yeah, I went to U see Santa Barbara honor rarely because I grew up in came Rio. So like when I was a teenager, I would party at.

UCSB, oh gotcha, which was great.

But I went to the dorms at Emerson Yeah, and it was like what I mean, Yeah, the doors were always open everywhere. There were always people like having sex in the elevators or like passed out in the stairwells or like I mean, it was, yeah, there was That's something when I was in college. I don't know if this was like an Evergreen college thing or just like an OTS thing, but called do you guys know what a flipping fuck is?

What is it? Like a wedge pillow kind of.

Yeah, it's like a foldable one person futon, So it kind of folds up into like a video game chair and then you flip it open and it turns into like a little twin sized mattress.

Oh yes, I've seen those.

Yeah, well that I guess that's what I got for my dad's next note. He's gonna lay on this leather flipping fuck.

I don't think i'll call it that when I would not, Please don't.

It's one.

Yeah, he throw yourself down on that, flip the buck and I'll see in the morning. Yeah, that's really funny because I you know, I did flunk out of college, but in the one year that I was in the dorms at Sacramento State, it was just so not like that.

And I think because it's kind of a commuter school and it wasn't really you know, I think Emerson's very like artsy. That's where all like the sketch people go and all the comedy people go. There's a real artsy feel to it. I think there's a lot of like accounting majors in the dorm that I went to, so it was a lot of like you know, it was the year that that Guns N' Roses album came out, and that was just being blasted constantly, and there was

I did that once off a party party boat in Portugal, just threw up a beer boll well that I was in Europe with my met my brother in Europe and my brother came up to me. I can handle a beer bong, but my brother came up to me without warning and shoved it in my mouth, not even like a head's up, and so I sewed it everywhere and everyone thought I chunked because I couldn't handle it, and I was like, no, I was just attacked.

Yeah, you had to take a breath. That's like dunking your sister underwater when she's not ready exactly exactly.

So he had a laugh.

But beer bombs and drinking games they've always liked me, like to meet that concept is like they're so unnecessary, Like we were going to drink anyway.

Yeah, right, and now that we're being competitive about it, I'm gonna have a terrible night because I want to win.

Yes, well, and I or I just don't want to publicly lose. That's the that seemed to me to be the pressure where it was somehow I was being called to the mat as a person of just like come on, you gotta do it, and it's like right, and then if I do this wrong, that's I'm just that girl. I refuse, yeah, to be that girl. Yeah. Well, and it feels like as a woman, the pressure is even more yeah, because once again I'm not getting paid the rest of the same as those dudes are getting paid the beer bomb.

We open our bullets twice as wide and we get half the bud light and.

It is fucking bullshit. I cannot believe how fast this podcast has gone by. I know, it was literally like I feel like we've said four things and I just looked down and was like, what is this crazes? Have you been writing about anything lately or doing any journalisming that you're especially excited about.

I have been writing stuff that's sort of like longer form stuff that I'm kind of in the trenches on right now. But yeah, I'm kind of I'm working on some kind of bigger pieces that I'm getting my fingers dirty with, kind of follow up to the reporting I did around the Britney Spears story, which kept me busy, Yeah for a couple of years.

Yeah, that was an unexpected busyness.

Huh oh yeah, it completely sideswiped ups. It was like one day I was just having a Tuesday, and the next day it was like, oh my whole world's going to change.

Yeah. You see, handedly made me pay attention to and appreciate Britney Spears. I didn't think about her much because I just didn't. I think it's my age. It was happening after I was already doing these beer bongs.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What I didn't know about you is that you've written musicals and lyrics. Yeah, Like, I never knew that about you know, I just talk about myself whenever I see Yeah.

No, I was so excited to do this podcast because both of you are people that when I see you at a party, I'm like, oh cool, there's someone cool here that I can talk to.

I felt that, Yeah, But yeah, my musical I mean, I like musicals are just so my love.

Like I don't have a good voice really, so I've never been like a performer good enough to do it professionally, but having musical ear, like I can hear when someone's flat and I have a musical ear sort of in that sense. And yeah, my musical. Uh, that was kind of a crazy story how I wrote that. I had this friend from college who he went on he became a musical composer and like conduct stuff on Broadway and

Yeah, and the.

Next day, like hungover, he was like, I'm serious, let's talk about the show.

And I was like, yeah, let's do it.

So we hiked Runyon and we started talking about this show and we got so like consumed with the idea that I was like, he was like, do you have a keyboard? We need to buy a keyboard, And I was like, I my boyfriend at the time had just gotten a keyboard and I was like, hey, do let's go to my house. So we start writing our first song. We got like so consumed by the process that he like canceled his flight home. Was like I have to stay here and finish this song with you. Like we

Oh.

He was like, I have a mansion in South Carolina that has a sin Away piano music room in it, and I want you guys to go, like go on retreat and write this musical in that mansion.

And so we did.

That's where you did it.

Yeah, so we like exile on Main streeted it and like, see.

If you weren't drinking at that wedding, I'm starting to think about it, you wouldn't.

You have to wait. You have to wait for the moment, You have to wait for the the opening sign exactly exactly.

That is so cool.

Yeah, So yeah, it was a really crazy experience and it was like off Broadway, and I mean, yeah, it was really cool.

I mean yeah, it was.

One of the It kind of like changed how I write, because like I realized that I really like writing on isolation. I mean, we wrote an entire show, but like we

Like it was like a really crazy Were.

You like singing what rhymes with this? Were you like singing versus to each other? Like an ishtar the good part of ishtar? The ft?

Yeah, yeah, I mean.

He wrote ahead of me like he would I wrote, like he wrote like like a few bars ahead of me the entire time.

So he would tell me like, I need to up a but and then I would work.

On that and you were adding jokes.

I would guess, yeah, yeah, it was me adding like blow job jokes, and uh, yeah, that's great.

Can you tell us what the musical was called.

Yeah, it's called Time between Us, and it's a two person show and it's sort of like the Last five Years meets Will and Grace. So it follows these two best friends sort of over twenty five years of their life.

And that's all piano cello. The whole score is piano cello.

I did not know that you had written musicals.

Incredible, Thank you. I mean, that's what I like about

I don't know that I've ever seen you in a bad mood, and that's something that you make an effort to do. And that's why at a party, I'm like, oh, I've been feeling down, maybe I'll talk to tests And Yep, it worked again. Why not be happy all the time.

Oh, I'm definitely not happy all the time.

I will say, no, it is you make an effort to present yourself that way, and I realize I don't if I'm not feeling great, I kind of let everyone know it. And I'm trying to watch that. And I learned it from you specifically.

Oh my god.

But I think you're like pretty fun to be around to though. I mean, you're a good conversationalist too, and you're someone who does engage with the people that you're talking to. Like there are so many people in LA that the whole time you're talking to them, they have one lazy eye that's just looking for someone else that they may potentially want to.

Oh god, I can't stay.

We're done recording. I'll give you the names of the people they do that the most. Say it as I'm saying the name, and it will come out of the mountain as if we're twins.

I mean, I think that is the challenge, though, you know, there's it's like people who have a gift, like an artistic kind of expression gift, it's easy to get bad habits of Like here's how I need to I need to do this to get this or I need to. You know, those people, like the people who look for other people while they're talking to the person in front of them. Those people never find the person they're looking for. That's the sad part, is like, and that is a

Actually people with the wandering Hollywood I do and up getting what they want.

I hate that, I know. I hate that.

Everyone I'm thinking of is like certainly a home owe doing awesome. You know.

I do think a lot about Lizzie Cooperman.

I don't know if she still tells this joke, but she had a joke back in the day of like talking about like I wonder if people say, how are things going to pan out?

And this is how they panned out? This is it? This is this is it? This is how they panned out. What you have right now? Is it?

Yeah? Yeah, Like when someone after a show says, hey, man, keep it up, you're gonna make it, I'm like, oh no, I'm no, I'm afraid I have this. I'm so sorry to disappoint you, but you're looking at my level of success that I've strived for.

But that's not true. You don't know, you have no idea, And that's what kind of thing we're like. They always say, well, you're on your way, but they always say, you know, like any quote unquote overnight success that people feel like they're witnessing took ten fifteen years to get to that point. So like everybody has this clock that they made up that like, oh, well it's too late now, No, it's

Like and Karen, I feel like you're someone who's had success in so many different mediums too, and I feel like when you work in different mediums it looks less linear because I mean there are people that are like, I'm just gonna do stand up and like that's kind of an easier thing to track. But when people write and produce and you do TV and podcasting and blah

What is here? Yeah, here's where you are? Here, especially for comics, usually just means what somebody else. Usually it means for me, the person I hate the most who has stuff, I'm not there. Yeah, And then you're just like, well, I'm not there, and it's like you can do you can absolutely do that to yourself. And sometimes it works, you know, if you're trying to prod yourself. But most of the time it doesn't work that way.

Someday I hope to be at the place where all the people I hate are. I'm waiting until, you know, as I get older and become more and more mature. That's why I plan on quote unquote making it when I'm about sixty.

Nothing, we'll handle it.

I won't be any doing any of this, you know, Justin Bieber stuff where I throw rocks at cars outside of my church or aside. Yeah, he was well, he was always driving erradically outside of a church. Usually, Hey, at least he's going. At least he's a believer, a believer.

Can you got something I realized recently. I substitute taught Justin Bieber's wife when she was a child.

What how did you Hailey Bieber, No, she did not.

The only reason because she's the daughter of a Baldwin.

She's a Stephen Baldwin's daughter, and so I used I was a substitute teacher for Beverly Hills Unified, so like a lot of my kids were like Larry King would like come drop his kids lunchop. Like I taught a lot of celebrity kids, and so I would this one school that I worked at, Stephen Baldwin's daughter would go into and I'd be like, Oh, I have a Baldwin kid in this class.

Oh wow.

And then I put two into together. I was like, wait, that girl's name is Hailey Baldwin. And then I went back to l rodeo and I was like, I gave that kid like spelling tests.

Wow to Haley Baldwin. Is is Stephen Baldwin the kind of lighter haired Baldwin?

Yes?

Yeah. He came to Missoula with a group of skateboarders and as they put on a skate demo for the Lord, he would yell scripture from a megaphone and he was I think still is part of a Christian skateboard coalition and they do little demos like the Power team, except they do kickflips, and there was known skateboarders that were in this group, so we all went to see it and it's like, wait a minute, what are they yelling through?

Like skateboard west Side story.

Yeah, yeah, just start singing and dancing well skating. Yeah, it was a real thing.

Wow, But isn't he Oh No, I think it's Billy Baldwin. That's the good one, and that's very politically.

Vocal, right, yeah, he's the one from Backdraft, right yeah, I think so.

Yeah.

And then I think Alec Baldwin, before his minikurfuff I think was a pretty solid Democrat.

Yeah. Yeah, he's been a real mister bungle lately.

He really, he really has talk about butterfingers, truly violent kerfuffles that have happened.

He's chicanery is off.

The what I truly love. And I don't think anyone. I don't think there's enough time in human existence to spend enough time talking about Hilario Baldwin and her fake accent and all the all that that means and all of the ways that like in some ways people are just like, she's the nicest person. It doesn't matter, no one cares. And it's like absolutely and great and it's nice to know that. And at the same time, what are you doing?

Right? What are you doing spend the weekend?

Right? Like if we've taken a groundling class, like the idea of maintaining an accent for that.

Exhausting?

Yeah. Yeah. The only thing I hold against Jim Carrey is acting like Andy uh Kaufman. Why are we it's Kaufman Kaufman. Thank you? I thought you said Bachman Andy Kaufman overdrive for the entire like off camera. There's a documentary about it, and I'm like, Okay, this is actually annoying. Other than that, I love the guy.

Yes, yeah, that's that's exhausting. Here's my job to think about it.

His commitment to character gives me TMJ.

Yeah, you should be able to tell an actor to fuck off if they do that, because I mean, don't we all I mean a comic who's always on, Yes, terrible imagine like that, but with acting, right.

Oh god, so much more boring and less entertaining. Yeah, it's just like you have to stop acting now. Where I'm going to kick you out of this dead.

Although I do like comedians who are funny all the game, damn time. It's a fine line.

Yes, that's true. Yeah, and I'm willing to go through the pain parts because of the comedy, like absolutely that ain't I adore it.

Thanks.

But I find that people who are funny all the time are usually especially funny when they're like grumpy, yes, or like they're funny in the way that they're angry.

Usually yes, you know, it's not them.

Like I just made Oh what am I doing? I'm sorry?

And they always they always have like cool sweaters and they skate.

There we are, thank you again.

Yeah, and they always give up drinking for a month in a.

Well there we are, Okay, everyone out of the bag. I'm angry and hilarious around the clock.

I actually just saw a thing on TikTok. If this helps you, If the next time you get angry, you just go and push against a wall and count thirty seconds and push as hard as you can against the wall. And then when you're done pushing against the wall, you stand there and then you put one hand on your stomach and one hand on your heart, and you stand

Yeah, like allowing yourself to go there as hard as you want instead of putting the what's that car part the governor?

Have you ever done like a shadow a shadow box? No?

Oh, the way you're describing sounds like a shadow boxing class, Like I'll take them on like YouTuber peloton, and it's exactly that like you just do these like coordinated punches and you find like things that you forgot you were pissed off about, like bubbling to the surface and it just feels so good and you just like punch it out of your fists and you feel euphoric afterwards, or I do oh, I want to do that because.

Yeah, yeah, I can punch that at the air here, I have enough room.

I can kick, I can punch.

I high, I can kick.

When Kristin Glover was on yet kicked off.

Look, I'm strong, I'm striking and I can't kick.

And Letterman just you ever do a commercial and when they came back, he wasn't there.

No that It's one of those many times that guy was my hero for most of my life and then you watch these old the way he treats, you know, like Drew Barrymore or I'm like, wait, he was like a grumpy I don't know. I loved Letterman for so long, but he overreacting and got pissed at Chrispin Glover, who was just being a character. The foot wasn't that close to his face, That's what I'm saying.

He it's a control thing, though, I think because anything you see on especially a talk show when they're like a surprise and oh he didn't know. It's never a surprise. They know everything. It's all fake. So he's he's about control and basically Crispin Glover came out, was super weird and then started kicking toward David Letterman's head and he was like, we'll be right back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think I'm team Letterman on this one.

Yeah, yeah, I got I got to come up with better examples.

I have to say, I think David Letterman is like still one of the best interviews for so he has.

I think it's Netflix, which is him doing like long form interviews, Like they don't make him like that anymore.

Yeah, yeah, I just wish you would shave that beard. It's so distracting. Yeah, it's crazy, and it's so hilariously different than what he was like before, Like he was a mister fucking button down, he was mister Brooks Brothers, and then now he's like truly like a lighthouse keeper in a way where you're just like, Dave, what do you doing? And it makes people itchy to look at.

Yeah, that is what happens with me. I imagine him having blemishes under there and scraping at them. Yeah, beards are gross business. And there's mayonnaise and all of them. Yeah, all mustaches have mayonnaise. That's why I got rid of it. If you really want to know, I don't even mayonnaise.

It's the air. It's just it's a mayonnaise catcher.

Yeah. I found a test doesn't like mayonnaise either. People get Yeah, it turns clear overnight hate it. Get it?

We all hate it? Yeah, Oh, we are so right, you guys. Used to give herself mayonnaise hair conditioning packs on the weekends.

I will, and she would.

She would have it under her fingernails, and I truly like any I sometimes you have to have it on a sandwich just for moist but if it's if there's any more than what is absolutely necessary, I'm just like, I can't, I have to. I can't do this. I'll take mustard both sides.

Yeah, yeah, any mustard, man, But I don't want that in my hair either.

I was a child actress and my mom used to be for auditions. She would make me do a raw egg or sometimes I would have to do a cold shower and she would pour a coarse light in my hair, shiny body.

Yeah, which she did? You think you'd get more work if you had dreadlocks eggs.

I just been out for really like inappropriate kind of rolls.

Cool runnings, just always only cool runnings. I think we're at time, guys. I think we've done it and my dons won't stop barking effortlesslie tess, what would you like to plug on your way out? Aside from of course exactly? Writes own Lady to Lady podcast.

Yes, please listen to my podcast Lady to Lady. You can listen to my investigative documentary podcast Toxic, the Britney Spears Story. Watch me do stand up on Testify Barker with two s's on my Instagram and Twitter where I post my dates and stuff like that.

Nice, you're the best test What a joy? That was lovely. That was the easiest, best conversation.

I expended little to no energy in your presence and that a compliment.

The ripping was feather light, so fun.

You've been listening to Do you need a ride? D y n hey are? This has been an exactly right production.

Produced by Annalise Nelson.

Mixed by Edson Choi.

Our talent booker is Patrick Kottner.

Theme song by Karen Kilgarrett.

Artwork by Chris Fairbanks. Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at dinar podcast That's d y nar Podcast.

For more information, go to exactly rightmedia dot com.

Thank you, Oh, You're welcome.