Hello, do you need ride fans? It's Christopher James Fairbanks, letting you know about a few shows I have coming up here in May. On the tenth, Brooklyn, New York, I'll be at the Bellhouse. If you live in New York, please go to that show. I'm very excited about it. And then the next night, the eleventh, I'll be in jam and Java in Vienna, Virginia. That's near DC. Closing out this little run, I'll be at City Winery this time in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Please go to Chris Fairbanks dot
com for tickets. Thank you and you're welcome. II LEI.
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Tell us all out it we scared? Or was it fine? Mel porn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need.
With Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need to ride? This is Chris.
Fairbanks, and this is Karen Kilgarrat.
Hello, Karen my friend.
Hi, Chris my friend. How are you?
Oh good, you're we're speaking right after I almost made a grave mistake, which i'm I'm leaving tomorrow. So I was going to give myself a haircut and then I thought, no, this could go wrong, and if it did, Karen would notice. It's another one of those ww KD situations. Would Karen cut her hair? I'm not worried about fucking it up. And then these shows, all the audience seeing that I gave myself some weird asymmetrical haircut.
You're worried about the lip I would give you about it?
I just because I honor your lip.
Well, finally, finally someone does. Although it's the reason I was laughing so hard the idea that you would say that, because that was something I was infamous for. With my college roommates Dave and Christy and Malayva. I would get drunk.
Every time I got drunk, I would ask them to cut my hair or I would start cutting my hair and I'd be like, come on, it's easy grabbing my hair, and Dave especially, he'd always be like, it's there's so much more than you think there is back here, because he would try to just get a straight you know, just do a straight bob. Yeah, all the way around. But it's I have so much hair that it's like you start and like you think you're doing it, and
then it just keeps going and going. You have to keep on cutting it evenly anyway.
Yeah, you and I both have a lot of hair. Like even someone that is used to cutting fine hair, you got to find someone that's used to volume.
Yes, because it can get misshapen very easily. And also but I think we're the same that if you screwed up, you can kind of cover up, okay if you just as long as you don't go too short.
Yeah. I don't know how to cut hair at all, and I've tried and I'm bad at it. But with my hair it is really just like sculpture, or rather trimming hedges. I have a mask and I need to shape it and it's with rapid stabbing motions. I don't hold it down and see, well, I hope this works. Like the clippers just scissor stabs, and if I take out a big chunk, some moral lay over it. Right, So I think I would have been okay, but I'm glad probably.
But here's the thing that I have learned over the years, especially now I don't drink wine coolers anymore. The satisfaction you're imagining you're going to feel after you're done cutting your hair does not exist in the world. Right. You always don't do a good job, It doesn't look as cute as you think it would, and then you're just left. Basically, you've stranded yourself on an island of weirdly shaped hair for like at least a week until someone can fix it for you.
Yeah, there's never been a scenario where someone's like, man, that's better than a professional would have done.
Never once.
Yeah, I mean I reached out to my guy. He was booked today, so I you know, I was, I'm just gonna and now I'm looking here in the zoom. It's not you know, it's a little bit of body. Maybe I stand a trim around the years, but it looks good.
Yes, But also when you go because you're going on the road, you're going to be in Green Bay, Wisconsin, You're going to be in Minneapolis, Minnesota. But you could go to a super hipster barber there and have someone with a tor lely mustache cut your right.
Maybe I should save it for New York City. Get a big New York City Wall Street haircut.
Don't let them slick your hair back.
I'm going to go to New York City and listen to nothing but Genesis and do cocaine and murder people. What movie?
Uh? The Christian Bale one? Yes, I'm a killer. I'm a killer. Batman Batman, yes, Batman, Yes, he always slick.
Us back rubber hair. In two Little Ears.
You were talking about Serial Killer one.
Right, yes, yes, I was.
Indeed, what's the name of it?
It's a movie American Psycho and it's a movie that's a book, apparently a violent book, much like Mary Sheeley's Frankenstein. You must be ready for the graphicly uh, Breddy ston Ells actually wrote it. The point is Freddy? Who is it? Shelley?
Mary Shelley, Oh Shelley.
Why'd I say Sheeley?
I don't know. It was like you're giving it a little flare.
Yeah, yeah. My favorite actress is Ali Shetty.
And you keep all your tools out in the sheet.
Especially my web eater. See it's fun. Would the would we do mutual word? Plays if we had a big, fancy guest today.
No, we wouldn't even have we first of all awkward Zoom problems. We're right on the verge of getting back in the car.
Yeah, I know, I knew you were. I was hoping you'd say that you and I can go out inaugural car.
Yeah, but that we needed our producer to engineer it.
Yes, of course.
But I'm so sick of Zoom conversations. I think I've talked about this for like two years straight. But the Zoom awkwardness, it's like, I don't It's something I don't want to master. I don't want to get better at Zoom. I just don't want to be dependent on it anymore.
I wonder if we're hurting Zoom's feelings. You know a lot, like all these targeted ads come up when you talk about something, the computers have to be hearing. And yeah know from a terminator that computers can learn to cry.
Did he cry in that movie? Yeah?
He did at the very end when Edward Furlong pre cocaine parting had to partying partaying had to lower him his new friend, the first adult first father figure. I'm of course talking about terminator to colon Judgment Day. Yes, yeah, he can have feelings, or like little Hayley Joel Osmon, that little computer boy, they were hurting Zoom's feelings, is all I'm saying.
Listen, Zoom. If you're a I and you are processing this in an emotional way, I apologize. First of all, we really value you made it possible for us to do our jobs in a very difficult worldwide quarantine. So sorry for the ingratitude. I couldn't didn't even think about it.
Yeah, I couldn't do it without you. But you couldn't do this without me being able to circle three different stop lights in a grid of photos.
Right, it's a two way street, Zoom, Yeah, you can't if you are listening.
Yeah, if that is your real name. I the other day I just grabbed these photos of a stage I painted back when I worked on Fuel TV. We did an outdoor week on on the each and I did a quick painting of these geometric lines basically, and I pulled them from my Facebook the other day to my phone, just because I had forgotten i'd done this twelve years ago, and I'm not kidding you. Five minutes later, I was sent a targeted ad, so I didn't say anything out loud.
I thought our phones could hear us, but they also are looking at these images. The golf shirt was the exact I'll send it to you after this. It was the exact pattern that I made up out of my head, and it was on a shirt. Yes, but it's a shirt that actually exists. I looked for it elsewhere and it's not based on the photo. It was the most It actually scared me. That's how when you see these two photos, you'll be like, no way.
I'll also get scared.
You will get scared, and you don't need to go to a mansion in Renrick, Ohio on the twenty eighth for my haunted mansion. I'm just kidding. I think it's the twenty seventh. Anyway. The point is, are you doing a haunted mansion show? I am, and it's not on my poster. I added it later.
You have to. Can you see it from my point of view where it seemed like you just made the most obscure reference of all time.
To be funny, the funny thing is I'm on I'm I'm on alert because in my if you asked me, I already have mentioned that three times. But that's because I'm so used to repeating myself. But there is no way, because I did just book this about a week ago and I have been I'm staying there after the show. It's a big, very scary looking giant castle in the
middle of nowhere. So it's like literally on a hillside where there's always lightning, and I'm staying there and the book or the show, he guaranteed I would have a ghost experience.
Wow.
So with that much, he's that sure of it that I'm actually, can you put me in the ghostless room? Because I don't I'm not looking to get possessed.
No, but that's different. I think a possession style house Amityville horror Ish is different than just your regular ghost Airbnb.
This is here's what it has in common with the Amityville House. It is symmetrical. If you squint, you can see a face in the windows. It is that's.
That's the gardener, Yes, trying to do his job.
It's a cutout promotional cut out from three men and a baby. It is I am, I am, I am a little nervous.
But you asked for it. I asked for it, and blame.
But yeah, it's your doggie right now.
Looks like your dog's.
On your shoulder. Oh Blossom, Oh Blossom doing spatial work. You knew you'd look like you're on Karen's shoulder.
She knows, she knows how to do it. She knows how to deliver. Listener, My dog is walking across the back of the couch, which is actually a move she doesn't usually make. Yeah, she stays off screen, so it's kind of she just made like a fun entrance.
Yeah, yeah, that was cat behavior.
It was actually and carings to sit behind you.
Karen's shoulders end in my view, it's the end with the horizon at the back of the couch. So really looked like a dog did a prancy little dance across her shoulders and quite fun.
She is my circus dog. I do love the fact that Blossom love like. Blossom's ideal position for you petting her is she comes and stands on her hind legs and puts her little feet on your leg as you're sitting down, and then you can just pet her like that, so she's not trapped by you in any way. She can get away anytime she wants. But she also like you're gonna either pet her head or probably her back,
so it's like very specific and it makes me. And then if you're laying on the couch, she does the same thing where she'll come and put her feet up and you like pet her head, and sometimes she'll put her head down next to yours, which is the cutest thing. But she never like sits next to you and cuddles. She doesn't want right, she doesn't want you to have the one up on her.
Yeah, that's cat behavior. I think there's a little bit of cat if you looked in the genealogy, much like tigers and lions make ligans and tions. You know, at some time refugees us they'll have sex through the fence. I don't want to get into why it happens, but it happens. There's bound to be a cat in that dog's lineage.
Having like a line of sex through the fence. Ye.
So yeah, and not romantic.
No, did they even talk before?
No? I think a lot of times it comes as a surprise one animal, because fences we all know are great for us scratching your butt. Oh and then whoopsie, whoopsie there, asked Martha Kelly. We watched the making of a tion or liger for real at Noah's Land. At Noah's Land outside of Austin.
Yes, is it a rescue park.
Yeah, That's when I knew they weren't just a refugee safe place for there, it was also an accidental breeding ground. It's like, well, I think you guys need more rules. Have you thought about just putting up a sign that says no fence fucking?
And do these ligers and tyons read? Can they English? Oh? Can we go back to the Haunted Mansion really quick?
Yes? Of course your show.
Isn't at the Haunted Mansion.
You just asked it is, and Chris I was asked, and then I saw Kyle Kanan had done it. I asked him about it. He said it was very fun if you're in the area. I am indeed in the area. It's like an hour from Chicago, so I'm driving the Porsche there. Amazing will wake up and something will be hovering above me trying to unbutton my pants. Like in Ghostbusters that's seen everyone forgot about where Dan Ackroid gets a ghostly blow job.
It's cold. It's a cold one.
Yeah.
I feel like your ideal would be a Dan ackroid ghostly blowjob. But there's also a chance that there could just be like a widow in a wet nightgown standing in the corner and you don't realize she's there until you turn your head.
Because of my usage of it here and online, I tried to avoid the word neglige, but she would be wearing a dusty nineteen twenties neglige similar to the one hovering above me in New Orleans, which I believe is the reason I almost slept through my show. I was lullaby.
Don't just blame the neglige.
I'm blaming the murder from fifty years years ago, or some ghost turned out. I'm just saying I sat an alarm. I consciously said it. I looked, it was still set. It never went off. That never happens. Usually it's an AMPM situation, or i'd a volume turned down. This was just a ghost that wanted me to be late.
A sexy Victoria's Secret ghost.
Yeah, but this sexy little ghost fix and didn't know how fast I could run almost a mile with an umbrella, did she?
Yeah?
I made it on time?
Yeah, God damn it. Now did you make it on time? In terms of the very beginning of the entire show, or right as the Middler was like, ladies and gentlemen, your next comic place, clubs and colleges all over this country.
I think I misspoke. I the poor opener, had to stretch and do like an hour.
And was it didn't make it en?
No, No, I was very late. I mean in time for the to do a show.
Yes, no one had left.
Yeah up, and sometimes flights around it does happen. Yeah, and I've been lucky so far. But that was that was on me. And then I looked online and found out the Bed and Breakfast I was in or sorry, yeah, Bed and Breakfast. I just chose not to eat their muffins. They are famously haunted called the Banana House or something, and yeah, I could just I think a lot of ghost experiences they're boring because no, nothing is impressive about me, just knowing that I felt a presence right like there's
no reason I should go, huh, what's that? And there's nothing there that to me or just my neck hair standing up in a cold breeze or blowing on my neck like there's little things, but I've never seen an apparition.
Well and also because when people tell you about things like that, it for me personally reminds me of like there's a kid in grammar school who would lie for a time, and then you're kind of like, uh huh uh huh okay, and you're just like, I don't know what you want me to care about this because it don't it happened to you, and I don't believe you. So there could be that element.
Yeah, me too, And I'm the same way, and I would expect you to be logical about it. That's why I was very hesitant years ago when I told you about what was clearly a young child haunting my kitchen. But I just felt it and I was sure of it. And I what made me more sure is the day I realized it wasn't happening anymore. Oh, it's just whatever presence there was I had, uh you know anyway, it's.
It seems like that's the kind of thing you need to go to the public library and look in the microfiche if there was a crime in your building.
Yeah, yeah, I The problem with microfiche is you need to know the year. I wanted to just generally because I was trying to find for our listeners, the actual cover store of me with my address walking children to school. You know, perfect everything. A kidnapper needs a checklist, and I checked. I scrolled through the entire year I was in kindergarten, and I just I don't know if I looked on every Maybe it wasn't the cover, it was a personal interest section.
I looked. It seems like a page eater. You have to know just scrolling and scrolling. Yeah, you have to know the specific like issue or months at least.
And which is very ghostly about that experience was me going to the librarian who was a twenty year old something and I was like, can someone help me with the microfiche? And he looked at me all scared, and he's like, anyone that knows about that has been dead for years. So I had to figure it out a lot. I had to fire up the projector on my own. No one there, No one has asked about microfiche or film in recent years, so I was on my own.
I miss anything that would move the way microfiche slides slide. Yeah, Like they're so beautiful and fluid as you're like trying to go through and skip through, there's nothing operates that way anymore.
You're right, it's like a shuffle board.
It's like beautiful and fast and smooth and kind of liquid.
The way it goes through is it like a centipede ball or is it a joystick? What I remember?
Uh?
You could just whip across it and it keeps going on its own and slowly slows down.
This could be made up, because I doubt you. I think where would I have used a microfish thing? Like at my high school or public library? But I remember some sort of a lever that moved from left to right and it was on a horizontal plane, and that's how you like turn the page page page right.
But you can also that up and down, you could. Yeah. I think it was similar to to sketch, but not knobs levers levers Okay, so nothing like an etch a sketch except you got your vertical, you got your side to side. Anything else it's scarecases, baby.
There is an element of control, and that is that is where the edges sketch similarities end.
Yeah, and there there there's a screen and you.
Can make a flower out of squares. Yeah, but you'd have to say it's a flower because it would be unrecognized.
And much like an etch a sketch, if you're at the library and you're not getting what you want, you can shake the shit out of it.
Shake it and run. What I light now that you say stairs, what I realize is when I played with an etch of sketch, which now I'm kind of thinking I want to buy one because it would be just fun to look at. It would just be fun to play with. Everyone should have one, I think so. But as a person who, unlike yourself, not very artistic in that way, you can't really draw. But when I would play with it when I was little, what I loved
was watching the weird little thing you were controlling move. Yeah, So it was less about what I was making and more about, like, make that thing go around.
Yeah, which is the reason one of the first things I did as a kid is taken apart and all that what was likely real lead going all over my carpet because there's a screw in the back. It was like they're asking for it. Yeah, I did take it apart and.
What was in there? Like is it a magnet and magnet fibers? Like the guy that you give a beard to.
Yeah, yeah, it is magnet shavings. So it isn't let yeah, and it was a Those knobs are controlling a sliding horizontal bar and a sliding vertical bar and oh you and then in the middle is this this tip metal shavings. I'm lucky I didn't get it in my eye. The amount of time I should have blinded myself for real. But when it's a magnet, you just pull them out with magnets.
I think you're the doctor when it comes to magnet injuries. Don't worry about it. Yeah, I know, just kills the opposite of how it went it, Just pull it right back out.
I'm a magnet, a knowledgeable person, the opposite of insane clown posse. Now that's only you would know.
He knows how magnets work. He doesn't have to know in a song.
And I don't. I don't hate my dad and I don't love Mountain dew. See. That was the low blow. That's not nice. A lot of our listeners used to be part of the Juggalo family.
Yeah, they might still be.
And I only lash out because I'm jealous of your camaraderie and I it seems like a supportive.
Environment of us being in the insane clown posse.
Yes, just the gathering of the Juggalos, I just wonder, Yeah, we're.
Oh my god, you know that's the thing is, we're there for the support. There's just yes, there's partying, Yes there's music. It's not really about that though, No, it's about turning to your fellow clown yeah Jugglo and saying I've been going through some stuff and they're like, okay, let's just walk over here to a quiet area and tell me all your problems. Yeah, and I will absolutely listen to you and ignore this show. And that's amazing.
It is it honestly is in when I worked to fuel Jordan and all those other comics, I was never the one to go, but they would go to the gathering of the Jugglos to go there and possibly make fun of them, and all they experienced were like a group of people that maybe didn't have good parental figures and they really were like sweet and cared about each other. And it was like, well, that's kind of hard to
make fun of these people. That just But then I watched something that Kat Golfway did and he was being driven around in a golf cart and someone got hit in the head with a bottle.
The guy I think it was Brian Posin. Yeah, tell that story.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Where they went It was like they tried to do comedy at the Jugglo Festival and they got like a tack. But of course it was the nineties, so I think they were probably doing very mean you guys are nerds comedy. Yeah, probably, yeah, I would assume.
Yeah. And if it was back then and it was those two, that means it was the Comedians a comedy tour. And I feel like Maria Bamford was with them because I drew the Posters back then. So yeah, but yeah, I actually I'm not even kidding now that my mind has been open to a world where I enjoy edm electronic music festivals. I was so surprised at how much I enjoyed that, because I've I thought I wouldn't and then they sample one New Order song and I'm like, Okay, I'm in. I'm enjoying it.
It's all about the vibe these days. I think this is the lesson we've learned in the twenty twenties is people want. In the past, I think we've been very clique and we've We've gotten a lot of personal what we believe to be personal satisfaction and security out of like uthering people and saying I'm in here and you're out there, and that actually doesn't feel good. And really what feels good is just feeling good and making sure
everybody else feels good. So, whether you're at a Jugglo convention or you are tripping balls in the desert with a bunch of rich kids who don't have to worry about where their next meal is, coming.
Out frond most of the people there, you're right.
Yeah, yeah, there's all the different groups have are kind of like from different classes, but ultimately we all just are scared shitless of the world we now live in. Yeah, we need we need a little We just want to have some fun.
Yeah that's all. Yeah, And I and I did, and I am going to be opened and I get The only thing that's going to take a lot of work is for me to go to my first Dead show. That's going to take some mental preparation because I don't like the noodling Karen Well.
And also you have to travel into the past, because are you going to go to the John Mayer.
Dead Star John featuring the Dead. Yeah, I guess that's not what I want to be at. I would have to get into a time machine.
Although you know that I think is the original vibes centric group of people, because everyone's on acid, right and everyone is kind of trying it is being nice, you know, because they're on acid, or because they want to make sure other people are having a good trip or whatever.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think I've seen a couple of Dead documentaries. I can speak on these people.
Yeah, I've seen enough to where I feel like I was at Woodstock documentaries. I mean, I am, by the way, speaking of substance abuse and not doing it, I guess, or more realistically, I'm changing the subject.
More accurate segue is i'm changing the subject?
I am. Yeah. I'm three and a half weeks into this whole thirty thing, and I so I haven't drink. I don't want to get graphic, but my movements are like when I was fifteen years old. I feel so good. I'm like have energy. It's great, and I wonder how much of it really is that I'm not drinking. And when I'm doing stand up, I remember every joke I was going to tell.
I have to tell you We've talked about this a million times, but as a person who when I drank absolutely adored it. Just really yeah, and I do every once in a while, like we'll have a beer if like.
Yeah, you had a beer in Hawaii years ago. I remember I marked it on my calendar.
I had a couple my ties and Hawaii. Like if I'm on vacation and there's certain people around me or whatever. But it's all the people that when I do it, they go okay, but there you can tell they're like, don't start doing this again, and their nervousness keeps me in check.
Sure.
Also the alcohol itself, because it absolutely makes me so sick, and I kind of do it anyway. But overall, when you have a constant stream of alcohol in your system, it's a depressant. So even though you're having fun or whatever, the long term like after effects are really depressant in all kinds of voice depressant and inflammatory. So just it's like having a poison come out of your system.
Where like yeah, and also you know, no sugar, all the things. I'm just no processed food basically is what it is. I'm meaning that's amazing, But I haven't lost here's what's interesting. I've weigh maybe I've lost a couple pounds, but my face shape has changed, right, And that was all booze.
Cheeks inflamed booze cheeks.
Yeah. And I also, you know, when I was nervous to go up at the comedy store because I, you know, because of history and me. I get nervous and I realize you're human. I am. I I'm not usually nervous. Oh wow, I usually have one or two drinks before every time I do stand up. That was running to me.
Yeah, yeah, well but that's kind of like that's natural. You're in a bar, you're at a club, you know. Oh here, I'm here, I have it. I need a beverage. Like it's it's very it's a given. Almost. Wait did you go do his show?
Fahim? Yeah? Yeah, And Fahim was so he This show was like, here's three or four comics that are going to break it up, but he was doing like seven to ten minutes in between everyone of all new jokes. He had them all typed out. He was trying to get familiar with each one. They were just the fact that they were typed out. I'm like, well, I've never done that. They all he was so funny and they
all were like finished jokes. It was a entirely in my mind, it was like watching someone try out a new half hour and they all had a through line and his act outs. A lot of people when they do act outs, it's so obvious that they're doing them. He does them during a point. He's not animated while he talks, so when he stops and acts something out, it's like a special treat because he's not animated otherwise.
And the idea is he had a joke about all the wine drinking white ladies should be solving crimes, and he acted out, all right, what do we got here, Jim, And it was like a lady with wine and a cops throwing up because it's so gory, and she's like, all the way rookie. He set it up, of course, way better. But it was a very, very my favorite murdery. I wish you had seen that bit.
It was so funny, Like, I mean, I watched his oh.
Right, yeah, hat trick trick.
But I started watching that and he is just he is just I mean, we've done We've done this now twice where he's on the show and then we talk about him. Yeah the next time, it's okay. We get a little bit of a fahim An war hangover because we adore him so much. But yeah, he just is thinking through these ideas that like you told him when he was on where it's like, I wish I thought of that. It's so right there, But then the way
he does it is so different. And then the act outs of course always like when he was doing the thing of looking for the girl, like like meet me here, meet me there, type of thing, and he keeps pulling up. Yeah, yeah, funny.
Yeah, that's so the most relatable. I don't think anyone's I would venture to guess no one's done a joke about that. When someone's on the move and you're trying to meet up with them, it's such a on the move yeah, oh yeah, we just left there. Oh god, it's so hard to talk about someone's material. But he was great, and he it was first and example, after saying all those things about him, that's exactly what he's doing. It was all, why didn't I think of that? Daily observations.
I want to be better at that, but I'm okay, then I'm not. That's not my specialty, you.
Do a different thing if just you basically going, here's what I think you're saying, because well, this is all how I feel too. I admire the amount of work.
I admire the night after night dedication to the work, and basically that I feel like when he's doing comedy, he feels very free to just kind of try and like and have it be like if it's not one thousand percent, it's okay, which I know you and I have that very perfectionistic tendency of like, if I'm not the best comedian on the show, I have failed, right, Or like if I forget a joke, yeah, that's the
worst thing in the world. Where Like, I have a feeling I've seen enough bits of his on like social media and stuff to be like, yeah, he doesn't give a shit, ye Like he's truly just like, yeah, I'm just going to do it again later.
Whereas when I have a bit, even if it kind of worked, if it didn't work as well as I wanted it to, I've actually vocally apologized, either with my face or by actually saying sorry, And I gotta stop doing that. But also, it was a room full of his fans that they really like him, and I have to leave town to get that, it seems.
But I think you have to leave the town of your mind is what you need to do.
You're right, I need to do some brain traveling.
Yes, get on the brain train and get out of town.
Let me pack my earbags.
Oh no, so we do you want to talk about that? You have live shows coming up, and I think our listeners love to support you all around this great names.
By the time this airs, I think we'll have to be looking at May. But that's I'm going to New York, and I'm going to Philadelphia, and I'm going to Vienna, Virginia, which is basically Washington, d C. I think that's all that's on that leg. But I very much want people to go to the Bell House in New York. I have sweaty nightmares about there's just being forty people in the front row.
And the Bellhouse is the best. We had one of our very before we had a touring agent. I booked us at the Bellhouse and we didn't know. We were like, oh, we're going to lose a live show at the Bell House.
And there's you know, whatever, three hundred tickets you can sell or two hundred, and the guy from the Bellhouse called and is like, what the hell, Like, we didn't realize there was going to be a turnout or demand at all, and we basically kind of fucked them up because there was people like, Hey, I want to get a ticket or whatever, and we were just like, I was like, I'm so sorry. We didn't. We just didn't know.
We didn't know our numbers. I had the exact same fear and the exact same kind of like, oh, I hope this goes good.
You don't know until it's happening, even because I'm not that on top of online communicating with people's and then cut to a year later, you too were selling out Australian opera houses and everything.
Insane so neat. Yeah, but I think if you give people enough time, like how we're doing on this podcast, and then you're like, if you're in the New York in the Tri state area and you want to see Chris Fairbanks do stand up live, he is Brooklyn Bellhouse in May, make it happen. Go support him. I mean there's going to be three hundred dinosaurs.
I hope. So yeah, yeah, that was the one. Yeah, I'm I'm I want I'll do whatever to get people in there. I will walk around with a sandwich board pretend the world's ending, except it says I have a show tonight at the Bellhouse.
The world's ending. I have a show tonight. You might as well go.
Yeah, if you don't go to this show, to me, the world has ended. That's what my sandwich we'll say.
Do not induce the apocalypse, you selfish asshole. Go to the Bellhouse in May to see.
Chris Ferbick continued on back and then I have to turn around.
And then on the back it just says how much we love fahim on water all the way down.
Not to keep dragging this through the soil. But that's all saying. Anyway, that's down my leg.
Can I just say that and not to dip into the weather? Small to whatever it is? Yes, okay, thank you. There's a leak in my ceiling and it's I have like literally a bowl on the ground with a dish towel under it. I'm just catching water, which is insane. It's like there's so much rain here and rain has not stopped for days.
What is insane is you have a beautiful house, but both of our places were built just after the turn in the center or maybe no, Oh, yours was the fifties.
Right, mine's nineteen fifty.
Yeah, mine is nineteen thirty. And I have and it's nothing to write home about. And the wiring is horrifying. It's wrapped in fabric. I have no leaks, and I'm not shoving this in your face, but I've been dry as a bone in here.
Baby, God damn it, but it's not your foot thatage, it's good.
Did you know yesterday there was a tornado in Bellflower? Like did you see the footage? In Los Angeles? So far, we've gotten more rain than famous rain city Seattle, which has not had a shortage of rain this year. We've exceeded in a rainfall and this welcome to the weather. And a tornado in Los Angeles? Has that ever happened? And we're the footage. You need to look at it
if you haven't. Literally, chunks of roof were ripped off several buildings and windows shattered on cars, Yeah, multiple cars because of flying roof to bris.
And I think that people, if you're not from Los Angeles, it's not just like, oh, we're not used to this kind of rain. For the past, would you say five years it has been bone dry here. We're like the last two summers. I've been stressed the whole summer because I'm like, it's so hot and there's no moisture everything. And that's our big thing was the fires, yea, and there were so many wildfires because this whole state was dry as a bone and now there's water everywhere. And
up north. There were two cyclones that came in at the same time in right around San Francisco, which is right where I'm from. Two cyclones basically hid at the same time, and at one point there was the winds were so high. I saw a woman of a video on TikTok. She lives in this high rise in San Francisco, and her couch blew off of her deck down onto literally like it looked like ten or twenty stories down onto just the sidewalk. Just it just picked up and blew off.
Yeah, semis were tipping over on the Bay Bridge, and I saw a TikTok. We love TikTok weather. I saw a building in San where it was just raining the windows off of a skyscraper, glass flying like frisbees. No one was injured.
What do you mean, oh, it was blowing off the windows.
Like glass on a finished building was flying off and flying through the air. What I mean if you get hit with one of those, your last thought it has to be man, I must have deserved that. Yeah, you're immediately like, of course if any of you have lost someone to a flying window pane at a jugg little contention. Again, a lot of what I say is flippant outbursts. Yeah, and I mean you no harm.
And Ai Zoom if you lost a loved one, if you, as Ai can imagine losing a loved one in one to get revenge, don't do it.
I think Zoom has sort of lost its older brother Skype.
Remember when Skype that people would always be like that was the big kind of like innovation in the early two thousand, people like, we're going to do a live Skype and that's I worked in TV at the time, where I'd be like, don't do it, don't it's the worst, Like, no one wants to see a worse version of your own TV screen with somebody with terrible sound, and they're kind of like far away, Yeah, no, don't do it.
No, let's all tune in for the most boring TV show. Ever, Hey, and here's the catch, it's also poor quality.
Am I cut out? Okay, stick around, We'll be right back.
Yeah. I cannot believe there's a tornado. Look it up if you don't believe me.
It's so weird. But also the thing that's tripping me out is usually in southern California compared to northern California or the PN word word, it does not rain consistently. It doesn't rain for a whole day down here, because this is like a we're actually at arid desert climate. We just came and built things to make it seem like it's not, but that's the natural set. So down here, if it rains, it'll rain for like forty minutes and stop. It'll rain for a little bit of the afternoon and stop.
It's been raining for like six weeks. It's like fucking unbelievable.
And everyone knows I like to snowboard, and I keep trying to meet other friends that snowboard at my level, mainly because then you're at the bottom and get on the chairlift. At the same time, it's kind of a pain to go with someone not at your level. I still haven't found anyone but doesn't Mammoth Mountain. The pictures are insane. The chairlift is covered with snow like what is usually thirty feet above the snow. In certain parts, wind has blown snow. They've gotten so much snowfall that
you can't even go there. They're just now getting to where it's dug out and you can ride the bottom part of the mountain. So even though I'm looking at these pictures and I'm like, oh God, I look at that snow that would feel so good to ride on, you can't go up there. It's too much snow times one hundred.
Well, and also there's already snow up there, and then it could start snowing again, and then you could get socked in, like what happened to all those people in Lake Arrowhead, where there were people who went up there for the weekend to get away. It started snowing, it didn't stop. There was ten fucking feet of snow and they had to emergency like life back in a bunch of like water and food.
Yeah, it's so funny to me, and I am someone I grew up a snow like that is not bad news to me. I just think of how badly I wanted snow since nineteen eighty eight when I first started playing in it. And so imagine if you don't, if you just live at Lake Arrowhead and you're not into skin and skiing or sledding or anything, it's just got to be like the worst. You're just locked in your house, which I have.
To say I wouldn't mind. I'm a big isolator and I do enjoy it. But the idea that you're locked in and you're just slowly you're slowly running out of food. Now you're down to like boiling black beans and panicking, and then even then people aren't coming like they it's so close to I mean, it's literally what an hour drive back down the mountain to be like at any fast food joint you want. It's not like you're way
out in the middle of nowhere. You're relatively close to, you know, immediate civilization, and those people are just like we're trapped. Yeah, yeah, it's crazy.
I feel bad. I feel bad for an old Brooks Sweland. He just went up for a getaway with his lady friend. He was there a week, had to wait for the plowman to come. Jesus Christ, he's okay, he's Okay Brooks, say is Okay Brooks.
I believe, and he'll make it through no matter what. That's what he's all about. He's resilient. But I saw that there was a video on TikTok from Mammoth of the guy that was standing tapping the top of the ski lift and you don't He's just standing on snow and tapping this thing, and you're like, okay, who cares? And then they show the picture of where how it normally is and it's like he's literally three stories up tapping on the top of the thing. It's nuts.
And as someone that never got the training of how to not die in one I am scared of avalanches. Yeah, it's a very real thing. There's a little sensor in my jacket, so after three weeks you would find my body.
But oh good, it's not enough of a comfort.
I'm not too worried about burial or ashes. Are you even finding me that?
I mean, it's good that I guess you splurged for the corpse retrieval button, but you don't have to do it next time.
It's a button. Oh at last, I thank god, At the last minute, I tripped off my corpse retrieval button.
Okay, there he is down there. Great.
Otherwise you have to have a walkie talkie like a transceiver. I just that's things I'll get later after I start with.
Also, I've seen, like I'm sure you have to, you know, documentary footage or whatever somebody that like gets into not even an avalanche, but just like getting into snow, like it's.
A horrible like where it's sliding, yeah.
Or like being covered by snow where it knocks you over and then you don't know if you're standing upright or upside down. Yeah, you know that kind of thing. Yeah, you have to like dig for light. And so, I mean that's.
There are times, and I didn't realize how serious of a situation it was. There are times where I've just messed up on the edge of a trail and tumbled into a tree. Well, and then the snow so I'm upside down in a you know, a recessed part at the base of a tree, and then the snow from the top of the tree falls on you. So suddenly you're on no, but there's several pounds of loose snow
on you. Even though you're really your feet are still sticking out you're strapped into a board and you I have spent an entire hour just trying to stay calm and digging out so I can get myself inverted and undo my board. There are you know, if you're upside down that long, you can die just from that. Yeah, And it's happened to me, and I didn't. I was just like, oh, that was frustrating. I didn't realize how dangerous that situation is. So maybe good, Maybe it's good
that I haven't snowboarded. I have my board all waxed. It's right by the door. I just think someone's gonna come over and take me to them.
Well, yeah, you'll, you'll always be ready, yeah and ready. But do you think that if with that much snow, like how how could you're saying? Is there is the likelihood of an avalanche increased?
Yes? Oh, especially because.
You're going on the way up hills. I was thinking of like this, especially if it.
Got really cold and there's ice, and then on top of that there's a new pack of fresh snow that's just on a snow slide like it's Oh, that's why when you're checking for avalanche, you have to look at the layers and tap it. That's why I thought you said the guy, what's tappened? I kind of know how to figure out if it's dangerous or not. I just don't know how to not say, well, we shouldn't snowboard today. I'll just be like duly noted it's dangerous, and I go with my day and.
Then I'm informed, yes, you can sign the can you sign verbally signed the consent to say? I was warned.
Years ago that I had the chance if I could have just come up with like four hundred dollars for gas money to be part of my My very good friend Ross was in a snowboard video where the helicopter had a landing pad on a boat and they went to Alaska and they dropped them at the top of these mountains, and then someone in the helicopter would be telling them, oh, to your left, don't go that way,
there's a twelve foot cliff. Go to your right, my right, or you're right like these it's never been ridden before a lot of these mountains. And I when I watched that footage, I was like, oh, I very much. This would have been a point where I realized is ain't over my head? All of my friends and Ross are way better than me. I would have been in danger. I was very glad. I it would have been an experience,
and I known how to not get in trouble. I just would have to publicly be like I'm scared, I'm going this way, and then they'd all make fun of me.
But it wouldn't be as bad as the time I went skiing. First and last what happened and it was my ex's family because they all ski, and his dad was like, I want to teach you to ski. It would be my honor, and I was like okay, but I was like, I'm old, and I am very like as you well know, like kind of said in my ways and kind of like when I know something is a no, it's a no and I won't discuss it with you. But I really wanted to, Like I don't know,
it's like a skiing thing. Skiing people are very separate, different than me. I always feel like they're better. So I'm like, okay, I should learn to ski, not to mention.
The pressure to bond within laws right.
And please people. So he taught me for like i'd say a little over half an hour how to go and we were on like the bunny slopes and it's like pizza friends. And even then it was more of a verbal discussion than it was, like I think I actually tried it two times, and then I think I went down the bunny slope once and it went fine, and so i've it's like Karen. And then we had lunch and I was like, I have to take these
boots off. They're too small. And then afterwards Pete's like, let's go up like the regular run, and I'm like, I can't. I just don't think I can't. I don't think I know enough, and he's like, come on, it means a lot or I don't know whatever. We go up there and we start down this thing and it's like people are speeding past little kids, yeah, and everybody going down this narrow thing and I'm like, no, I do not know how to do this. Like what I did all day today was basically on a big flat
driveway and this is like a literal run. There's no way I can do this. And so we start going down and like then there's immediately a turn. I was like, no, I was not taught anything. If this is what we were supposed to be doing, I know nothing right now, and I ended up They had to call ski patrol. I had to get like in a little cart. I had to get pulled down the mount and it was the most humulating thing. Took off them boots and was just like did you grow.
And pretending pretended to be hurt. Oh, my aching broken leg.
It was almost like I started. It was almost like I was hurt because I wouldn't stop putting my legs and feet in the wrong position. They're like, just don't don't do that. I'm like, right, but I can't keep sliding down this hill out of control, like if I don't do this, oh, because I kept sticking. I was jamming my ski poles into the ground to keep myself from going forward. Like it was a total disaster to the point where they had to and it was it
was his mom that was like, this is ridiculous. We're calling ski patrol. Where it was just like, yeah, how the fuck else am I going to get down here? Like I'm not choosing to not go down. I don't know how to ski, like it was a nightmare. And I just remember laying back in that little cart that they caught you down in as if I'd have broken legg staring up and being like this. I've done a lot of humilating things in my life. I think this might be this is number one.
And it's always under the chair, everyone watching you. Oh yeah, memorize that jacket. We have to heckler in the lodge. You better be.
Limping skiing alongside you and looking down like literally like what happened? It was? It was awful. It was really bad. And I also wanted to like, didn't. I don't. I'm not telling the story to be critical because his dad was so lovingly like, I want to impart sure to you so we can all enjoy this together. And it's like it does it. It's more. It takes more than an hour to impart that.
Yes, it takes a long time to get to where it's not dangerous for you to be up there. I've always taken it really seriously when I but I when I am with someone that isn't that Like I brought a girlfriend years and years ago. I had a girlfriend from Orange County and we went to Montana and she wanted a snowboard and I went off with my friends because I was in my twenties and and she of course got caught in a tree well and well stuck. She was gone all day. I'm like, oh, I she's died.
I don't and very she very much could have. And it was just falling off of a traverse trail and landing in a I'm realizing now what the position I put her in, just because I was like, but she wanted she really wanted to go.
It wasn't just me, but I think people don't. It's like people don't understand. It's like that kind of thing where like if you were roller skating and you've been roller skating for five years, then it's like, yeah, it's no big deal, we're gonna roller skate. But if you just put on roller skates, remember that thing where you'd like hold the wall and anytime someone passes you, you're like,
I could have fallen down. Like there's a part of it, of all that kind of thing where it's the letting go that's part of it, and like trusting yourself and finding that balance. If you're in fear, then you're fucked because then you're doing everything kind of backwards and off balance.
When I would skateboard in front of the house, my mom would occasionally come out and she's like, can I try? And I was just like, no, no, you can't. You will. I'm already traumatized enough when she carried my trombone home from packs and slipped on ice and broke her tailbone.
Oh shit.
I quit blowing the horn because of that.
Yeah, you should have anyway.
Yeah, what do you think now?
See the goddamn horn never beated it.
Same thing with my lips. Didn't need that two hundred dollars sweat locker spit valve. Having disgusting, chapped lips. Every day, no one talk to me. It'd bang against my braces. But yeah, I was so worried that my mom would just, like when I wasn't looking, trying to drop in on my quarter pipe and break her arms. I'm just, yeah, physically protective.
Of my mom. Well, and also because especially skateboarding. My ex also took my nephew, Johnny, who at the time was I think ten Now he's like thirty. It's so crazy, But they went there was a new skate indoor skate park in Pedaluma, and they went to it because Johnny was got super into skateboarding, and of course Pete had a skateboard. Yeah, and he dropped in and he you know,
but his pretty serious bowl. Yeah, he dropped in immediately did something his ankle like rolled his ankle fell down and then just was like at the bottom of it. And Johnny rode back over. And then some kids came over and one of the kids goes, I think your grandpa's did.
He just jumped a generation.
It was just like all humiliation upon insult upon emiliation, just like worse the worst, so embarrassing.
Nothing's worth nothing, nothing is worth Wow, why can't I Nothing's worse than being writhing in pain and off in the distance you hear a child call you grandpa.
Just put the icing on the cake there.
Yeah, And I'm not saying I would if it was an indoor facility and there was a teacher there. I think moms can. All moms should skateboard. That's what's my mind has been opened, not only to how long there's guys my age that are still on top of their game, and I all I do is follow moms and kids and little girls that are really good at skateboarding. It blows my mind. I could not have anticipated it just ten years ago. And I love it, but it is not anything to lightly go into and think that you're
just going to do it, you will break your wrist. Well.
And also if you are, like speaking as a middle aged woman who does a lot of sitting in front of her zoom all day long, it's not the kind of skateboarding is the kind of thing where it's like unless you're very limber and like have balance and really good, like you practice balance, because it's not casual. Your mom was like, can I try it? Can I hop up on that board? You're being realistic. It's like, no, No, you need to go practice some shit. You need to
go do some ankle moves. You need to like, you know, to work on it a little bit because this thing will absolutely snap your neck if you do it.
Wrong, unless it's a robot. Skateboard that is voiced by Dom Deluiz as in the movie three movies The Skateboard Kid one through two, which was produced and directed by Who's the guy that did all this stuff with Tim Conway.
Harvey Harvey Corman.
Harvey Corman made these movies, so the voice is Dom deluiz. I watched it with with Doug Millard when I was in Austin. It was it's the funniest, weirdest, like, oh my god, we've evolved as a society type of movie where you watch and you're like, I cannot believe they made this. It was, you know, around the time of Goonies and Ghoolies and all those shows. It's a skateboard that talks and tells jokes. It's just like Jack Frost,
the talking snowman. That is your dead dad. The fact that those cocaine riddled pitch meetings were giving the green thumb and they're like, yeah, it's a talk at skateboard. It flies around all of a sudden. The kid's good, kids love it. Yeah, yeah, dom DeLuise, when is he? You know, he's the reason that people like cannon Ball run. Let's make snort. Let's all snort this line off of this board meeting table or Chairman of the Board, the Surf movie with.
Carrot Top, Oh yeah, that's right, or Son in Law with Polly Shore.
There was a tweet about Ernest you know that the man who went to camp and was in the army and did all the things Polly Shore did and movie the form Jail. Yeah, he went to jail. He saved Christmas. There was a tweet that had the list. I'm like, wait, that's nine thing things. There's no way there was nine movies. Scarring a guy that was a Orange County cars pitch man. He kid, Yeah, like he had commercials Cohen, you know
what I mean? Verne, we got nineteen eighty eight Toyota that like you can find his original work, which is clearly just another coked up executive watching TV. They're like, I don't know, Let's see what's on that guy, him, the guy in the commercial. Let's give him twelve movies. It's nineteen eighty seven. What do we have to lose?
That's back when in nineteen eighty seven there was literally four people in charge. They were all white men that were sixty two, and they had terrible taste. And that explains everything that was happening back then. Yeah, yeah, it's the skateboard kid. Oh we did it. That's an hour boom.
I see that blows my mind? Does that mean? And I think it does because that seemed like the fast this one we've ever done. Does that just mean we were our best and the funniest. Yes, that is what it means.
Huh every time?
God, how what's going to be the ceiling on this the ceiling, Karen. Sure, one day I'll be able to enunciate words. But above that, how I mean do it? We're just going to keep getting better. Yes than what?
Then we might have comedy acts that we can do publicly and proudly.
Yeah, you're right, it's all.
It's all going into the talent pot what I like to call the talent pop.
Yeah, and I'll mix it on my high powered agent stick or spooned. Probably not a stick but a spoon.
The little agent spoon just stirred around. They make it happen with the one pinky.
Our success is just witchcraft. Or you got to be a waiter. I just watched a thing where it's like Jennifer Lawrence, Findy, every one that's famous was discovered while waiting on someone. That's another that's more of a nineties thing, I think.
But Jennifer Anderson was a NEPO baby. She's not on that list. A famous soap opera.
Yeah there was. There was a whole list of them. And it's just like you're in a park, someone approaches you and your mom and says, you've got the goods to be a model. Ashton Poucher and then all of a sudden or Jennifer Lawrence is someone that's very good at acting. I just watched all the Hunger Games thoroughly enjoyed the second one to where I cried five times. But she is very good. And she just was hanging out with her mom and someone was like, you'd be
a good model. I'm so high on coke and then look at her now, Well, this was a fast one because we had fun. You're fun. That was fun.
It was fun.
Yeah, you've been listening to Do You Need a Ride? D you y in? Hey you are? This has been an exactly Right.
Production produced by Analise Nelson.
Mixed by Edson Choi.
Our talent booker is Patrick Kottner.
Theme song by Karen Kilgarrett.
Artwork by Chris Fairbanks. Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at dinar podcast That's d y nar Podcast.
For more information, go to exactly Rightmedia dot com.
Thank you, Oh You're welcome.