S3 - Ep. 64 - Fahim Anwar

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Ride with Karen and Chris. Welcome to Do you need to ride? This is Chris Fairbanks.

And this is Karen Kilgareff.

Hello, my friend Karen Kilgareff.

Hi, Chris Fairbanks.

I have a story to tell you. Surprisingly let's hear it. I think I had just said I'm going to go into it.

Great, I'm ready.

Okay, good race yourself.

All right.

I was driving today and at a light, this guy shuffled into the middle of the walkway or the crosswalk, in front of all the line. I'm like, and then he stopped and he was limping, and then all this he pulled kind of a willy walkup where he's like, look at me, I'm limping. No, I'm not, and he started juggling, but he juggled and I didn't look to see if this is like world world record. But it was seven balls, seven balls super high above his head and he was doing like lake k He was like

Because you know what I think the crying part is because it wasn't just It's not like juggling itself would move you. But that man knows everyone is on the razor's edge of losing their minds right now. Yeah, so he's like, you know what, I'm gonna go out. I'm gonna take to the streets and I'm going to remind people of human magic and that'll just be my volunteering for the day.

And on top of that, I of course was thinking, what is his background to be that good? Was he in circus or some other circus. I'm sure he had. He did it for a living at some point. Seven balls is nothing to sneeze at, but it is something to round home about.

I was trying to imagine what's the standard amount of balls, which I guess opener amount is three. Yeah, right, that's when you're like in the kitchen trying to be kind of fun and sexy at the same time. Yeah, hey, look what I can.

Do erotic the erotic three they call.

It the erotic Apple juggler, but then incorporating four more, that's a lot.

Yeah. Like Tommy Drake, this guy in Houston that used to be a comic and juggler at the same time. He'd like opened for share and then he did family friendly versions of his joke as he juggled swords and knives at at six Flags anyway, he did five knives and that was like a record, like he was the best at. So I'm seven balls has to be something. Can someone do eight? And this guy, you know what I'm thinking of?

Is like all of the grammar school art that my teachers had on the wall, where like there would be a clown with a with all the balls that had children's names inside or something, and it's like that was probably twenty five in a standard classroom. I'm just trying to compare. Yeah, I don't really have a lot of juggling background myself.

Right, but that's it's a good comparison. Because everyone in traffic turned to a little kid, and they all were in a good mood, and I wanted to pull over. But what am I going to say, Hey, you're good at that, here's a dollar. I'm going to insult you.

He's like, sir, get away, I'm an artist.

Yeah, stop her eying. Yeah, he just snubs me and doesn't make eye contact.

And like Kase, he didn't do it.

I feel like I'm at a comedy party again.

You know who absolutely will know how many balls is the juggling limit? Is our guest today?

Yeah, I was gonna say, he'll know he used to juggle and do magic.

Yeah.

I don't know that that's true, but I do know.

From the Pacific Northwest, that's where all that stuff he.

Brought rain that we're experiencing down from Seattle. Everybody.

Sorry, sorry, guys, that was me.

You've seen her. The clubs and colleges, He's hilarious. He does a lot of colleges. Put your ears together for fahim anoir, thank you, thank you.

Good to be here. Hey, I love the boiler play. Clubs and colleges. Like crowds are just wow, Like, oh my god, honey, this guy does clubs and colleges.

Educated children. Can you imagine that audience?

You know, I throw in a third credit. I say, say, clubs and colleges, and then throwing corporate events from time to time. They're like, whoa, he can wear a corporate clean Yeah, because there might be some executives in the crowd. That's right, because I'm advertising when I'm up there, too, right.

I treat every set like a LinkedIn profile.

Have to.

Yeah, that's when your career really starts to skyrocket. Like I used to do things that I thought were funny, but now I just treat it like, you know, yeah, like you said, a LinkedIn profile.

Yeah.

I opened my set by saying I'm here to network, and then I hand out cards to the front up.

Let's keep them laughing at a minimum because this is business.

Yeah, this is business, guys. You can't hear my strengths.

It's funny though, because we are supposed to do some level of that. When I was young and opening for comics, I remember Mike Berbiglia and like Dane Cook actually putting down paperwork and gathering it in a bag at the end like an email list, and then they go home and tell everyone thank you for coming to the show. And that was something I still don't that's so far removed from my brain.

But yeah, yeah, it's necessary. It's such a necessary thing, you know. That's a that's what separates a lot of people, like like someone who's like Kevin Hart or someone who's like very funny, but you'll never know who they are, or I have a you know, it's hard to get to that level without having like open micro energy. No matter what level you're at, it's crazy, like it never ends.

Yeah, I'm still going to lie to myself and say it's about joke quality.

Yes, that's all.

That's not true.

It took me a long time to realize that. Lesson I'll like being good and people caring are they're like independent of each other. They have nothing to do with each other.

Yeah, yeah, and you are. You are one of my favorite comm You do a a very relate like every joke you do, it's it's that situation where it's like, oh my god, why didn't I think of that before, Like your bit about trying to meet up with someone that's on the move or they're a different club, Like I think everyone has realized has thought that is the most frustrating thing ever, but no one has done a joke about it as far as I know. And your whole act is like a bunch of relatable scenarios and

And oh cool.

So many things in that were like, god, I've thought of that, except for the joke part.

I'd just like, yeah, you know, that's that's just great comedy. You know, you just say what we're all thinking but haven't put it into words yet.

I mean, it is truly, that is actually the formula. I think.

I think so too. Yeah. I mean there are people who have jokes and you're like, ah, yes, you know what I mean, Like they just cracked it a certain way, and I think that's there's between like stand ups and people who just have regular jobs. Is everyone has these thoughts. But I think, like, you know, the art of doing stand up is just drilling down the minutia and like taking a feeling into like a thought for an audience or something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've seen you do it many times and I love it.

Thanks man, Dittoh yeah, I'm a fan too. That's school. You saw the special, thanks dude.

Yeah it was great.

You know it's it's available on YouTube, so that's.

Not like channel for him on water. I watched her two late night sets because oh yeah, our producer on Elise sends us a little thing of like, we know what's going on with this guy, and it's nice.

That's more than most general meetings you go on. You know, like your people will be like so and so and Sony wants to meet you. You go, oh great, and you get in the chair and they have this like look of like who the fuck is this guy? And you go, oh, this is just a stand up show in an armchair that I have to do.

YEA for one dry man who does.

One doesn't know who you are or why you're here. He filled the calendar, He's just dotting his eyes and crossing his te so that if you get famous, he won't get fired.

So they'll be like I met with him, great guy, this stuff, love to share stuff.

He was very well hydrated. We took care of him, two bottles of water and diet coke.

I remember having that realization going on meetings and they do you like your representation always words it like they they want you for this park, they want to meet you, and it's completely not true. And it was like probably year three of living here where I was like, wait a second, these people are being paid a lot of money to meet with people all day long. They don't want to meet with me. They don't care about me.

Yeah. And then the last one I did, and it had been years since I had like a general meeting, never over zoom. They were after seven to ten minutes, They're both like, well, I got to go, I got another thing, and I have all prepared. We hadn't even gotten to my ideas or thoughts about anything.

You had like an easel on the other side of the door, Like, ready to a friend is going to come in with your pitch for Jurassic Park.

The reboot turns out that pitch was softer than I thought.

It's not dinosaurs, it's frogs. Are you ready?

Wait?

Hold on? Are you ready leave meeting now?

I mean, zoom has really made it great for pointless meetings. Though. All you gotta do is crack open a laptop and be like, oh, this is fun. Guys by no traffic, no parking, It's great. H the pandemic person, Yeah, isn't that great?

For real?

The sweat that I would build between putting on makeup in my car and walking across the like six football fields of parking lots in all of the studios around town, We're just like, what is what am I doing? Why would I do this? This is horrible?

Yeah, yeah, it's kind of nice. I mean, look, the pandemic was a terrible thing, but I think what has come on the other side of it is people really valuing their time. Yeah, it's like, pre pandemic, no one gave a fuck about their time. It was crazy how much we were just giving for point like things that could have been phone calls, things that could have been zooms auditions. I did a callback for this like NBC show via zoom. That's like a big thing that they're

Do you think it was easier to do a callback on zoom than if you were in the room.

I well, the thing is like I am a stand up whose visits these Hollywood things, like stand is my main thing. So I love it because I'm not. My entire being isn't wrapped up and like I hope I get this part right. So I love the value of time and that feeling of nervousness. I am in my home, it's so minimal, Like maybe when I crack open my laptop for like two minutes or five minutes, it might

Yeah, and being in a room and being judged in some way, there's this power dynamic that kind of doesn't exist over zoom and from.

It's so funny. It's like they still try, if they still try the mind fuck you via zoo. Yeah, they're like, can you go downstairs and just fidget on your sofa for thirty minutes and then come back up.

Or they try and make their monitors slightly bigger. They have like a design guy.

I just he just puts a crown. He puts a crown on.

It's good to be here. Don't mind this scaff I'm holding.

Yeah, I'm he changes his background to a cloud. That's right, motherfucker. I'm god.

Yeah, yeah, And I've said this before. When that was happening and we I was like, I can't believe I'm doing stand up into a siline and over zoom, And then went turn on TV and Stephen Colbert is struggling through a monologue over zoom, and I realized, oh, we're all the same. Look at this human with no power, and all my gray hair went away. I had gray hair on the sides here. It's kind of come back now that we're all thriving again. But it was such a weight off my shoulders.

Oh, it was great. Like it was. It's pretty interesting, just like the smoke and Mirrors of gloss. Once the pandemic happened, everyone was a YouTuber like Trevor Noah, Jimmy, Like vloggers had an edge up on them because that's what they've been doing their whole lives, you know what I mean, Like they had to come down and like these people were at that level all the time. It's interesting.

Yeah, you still haven't kind of pulled out of that.

Yeah, Like it's fun, it's cool, but like I feel like after the pandemic it feels less relevant. It was already kind of on a decline, but when you got to see it's like you got to see Late Night with no makeup on. Yeah, the pandemic happened, right, Yeah, so now it feels kind of like a relic on the fifties or something.

There was also up north. I was at my sister's house and they were doing the news, but they were all from home, so there was like the weather man was like at a weird green screen in his living room and it was my favorite. I think he had a cat that kept walking through or something. But I was just like it was so fascinating to watch where I was like, hey, first of all, it's not my problem, Like I don't have to feel any of that tension of like what are we gonna do? How are we

That's awesome.

But then the idea of like, wait, this is better, Like we the way things have gotten to this point where it's like, what we like is a bunch of people fake applauding and fake laughing. What we like is this It's like, no, we don't like people. What people like is seven balls being juggled in the crosswalk.

God I liked it.

Yeah, yeah, because that's real.

It's real. God, damn its streets.

You get a honk, you earn that honk. There's no sign that says honk now from a producer.

Yeah, maybe that's why I like those drive in shows. You think someone tells you that they're gonna honk at you. I was like, Oh, that's gonna be terrifying. A honk only means bad, get out of the way. I want to kill you. And I've never a symphony of honks. It's like my favorite, Yo, what if?

What if you're still like conditioned from the pandemic these comedy shows though you're in like the four or five people are honking, You're like I crushed. Yeah, these guys love me.

They're honking because you won't it's green and you won't drive, and you're just like, thank you, I'll be here all week.

You just sit there till when it's still here with my work.

You're from Seattle, right, I am?

Yeah?

Did we talk last time about working it? Boeing and.

Maybe the thing is like I went to U Dubb University Washington, got my engineering degree there mechanical. If you guys were wondering, yay, mechanical engineering.

I was going to mechanical, not kitchen appliances, the big stuff.

The big stuff, not saying cars, robot dogs that kill, that killed. Yeah. So then I got a job in Long Beach because I just applied the jobs in southern California because I knew I wanted to do this. So you got to go New York or LA. And I'm a West Coast kid. My family's still in Seattle, So I was like, I'll just apply to this.

So you knew right away after you did all the post grad work, You're like, how do I also do stand up? Were you struggling with that?

Yeah, I mean it was just like a very methodical, premeditated plan. I mean I was doing stand up when I was eighteen, Like when I graduated high school, I was just going to the I was going to the comedy underground and giggles a lot through the summer no laughs.

In Kirkland.

Well it wasn't. Yeah, I love them, David Angela. Yeah, they were their first comedy club was like part of the ramata In in the Wow and I used to go there all the time, like Friday and Saturday. They would give me twenty minutes because I was going to college and I couldn't my parents are a little strict, like I couldn't do comedy through the middle of the week, so but Friday and Saturday they would give me twenty minutes. So that was kind of like my home club, this

They're like when it sounded the first clubs that said hey, we're going to take a chance on you because of a video we saw or something and I that was one of the first times that happened.

Oh yeah, they're great. I think I'm gonna do it sometime this summer because they weren't Kirkland and then now there were Giggles used to be in the university.

District and it's good. I've been there. It was fun.

Oh cool.

Yeah, is Giggles the one with a brick wall like a brick it's a brick corner.

Yeah, it is a corner. Maybe it used to be brick. Yeah, they.

That might be my memory laying on a comedy club brick element that wasn't actually there. It was just a corner.

It'd be funny on the road. So long you can just blindfoldedly late, like lean against a brick wall and you can you could say what club it is?

Three by five entures. It's good to be back in Cleveland.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's just it's so rare because you had but a good job that you worked hard to become a a is it aero aerospace engineer?

I mean that is space you It sounds cool. I guess will be like you like rocket scientists or something. I go, I can I stay in the atmosphere you know. Yeah, yeah, it's just gets much credit. Yeah, it's just aerospace.

But you did have to use a protractor, right, that was it?

I wish no, just no, just numbers, just no. Yes, it's just the computer work really oh yeah yeah, but it gets it gets it. It's so niche, you're not even like you. I mean, I mean this may be hyperbole, but I feel like you could teach a high school kid who's to do any job really because it gets so specialized once you get into the field. It's repetitive and you use the same software.

Yeah, what were you working like smarter in college last last time? The last thing you were working on, do you remember, Like was it a hatch door or a window?

Like?

No, like, okay, the whole time I was there, I'm trying to think. It was like the floor beams O the seven four seven dash eight freighter, which is like ups and all that, and then passenger, which is like once we fly, you know people, so.

You want to have a solid divide between the passengers and the luggage.

That's the free Well, the loads are different, you know what I mean, like the load cases you get. But I mean it's very unglamorous. You tell someone like I worked on the floor beams, so when you walk to your seat, you're welcome. The reason you don't fall through the floor is me.

Yeah, and they're like clicking off the zoom. Oh I didn't I thought it was outer space bye bye.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Did you ever have to do equations on a gigantic chalkboard?

Yeah?

I mean yeah, no, but that'd be great, just just to feel like I'm in a beautiful mind or something. Yeah, it's very simple to do this.

Yeah, right, equations in front of a bunch of drunk college kids from Boston.

Yeah. Like apples. Yeah, I wonder if any I wonder if anyone tries to use that quote nowadays. But everyone's too young, so they're like, what are you talking about?

What apples?

What apples? I want to do a joke like say, like I like going on dates with like girls in their early twenties and just do movie quotes from the nineties. Yeah, so it's be like somebody's stuck me. Do want to make you holdy baby?

Do it?

Just be like what are you doing? What's going on?

She's dialing nine one one next?

Yeah, or you're on a day. But someone that's never ever seen a movie. They were like, they grew up in a very religious commune and they just think you're a genius. Everything he says. It's always in a different voice, but it's so funny.

He's just quoting ace Ventura and they think that you're some savant. That is so weird. You ever meet those people, Yeah, like you're saying, who are like very religious or we didn't watch movies growing up, and it's it's like they're in Sino Man or something. Yeah, it's crazy. You have no cultural touchstones with them.

Speaking of Encino Man, when you when you guys close your eyes, do you just I can't get rid of the vision of Brendan Fraser crying.

That's all in Encino Man.

I've seen him cry so much lately, no more grown up Brendan crazier him and uh way Kwan, uh wow, what's his name? They were both in the Casino Man. I forgot anyway that I.

Saw that screen grab of them and Encino Man, like both are Oscar winners.

Yeah, yeah, it is really cool and it does make me cry too. It's just there's a lot of crying and I'm hey, you know, I cry. I wake up crier I love cry, but man, yeah, a lot of cry.

Well, when you look at his career and the trajectory, I think you're out and then there's this outpouring of support and then you win the biggest it's yeah yeah.

And for both of them, Yeah, standing ovation. Brenda Fraser got in Khan for it was like a ten minute standing ovation or whatever, where it's like that's how he came back after he gone for fifteen years.

Or something like they all had just watched The Whale and then freaked out and he didn't know if anyone would even like it exactly.

Really Yeah, well that director's pretty big, though, is any like aeron Osky or whatever? Theren so? I mean, it's not really a roll of the dice, like if you're in a Spielberg film and you're like, I hope people like it, will it be good? Yeah, I'm in this Tarantino movie. I hope it's good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I did this bit at the improv one time, because like I always read every year, it's always like so and so gets, Dune gets seven minutes standing ovation or the Whale gets and everyone just accepts it. I want to be like, do you know how fucking long seven minutes is I go, that's bizarre. I go, let's let's do an experiment. Let's pretend my film just got done screening, and you guys start clapping, all right, So I did the Hollywood inpro I go, okay, my film just got

Eight?

Your hands are getting bloody.

There's just no way anyone means it by minute like seven.

There's no way correct. It's almost like the perfect microcosm for Hollywood. Just the artifice, the bullshit, the veneer like clapping. It's so performative, like Arnofski to clap, clap, clap. They're probably all filmmakers in the audience. I wonder if there's one guy who's in a suit and to tie during con you know. And then he like sits down after three minutes and everyone's just giving him the stink eye and he gets fired from whatever. Yeah whatever, studio.

Gotta play ball. Jerry, we saw you.

You couldn't stand for ten minutes. Brendan saw that. He's upset, but he's crying again. He's not gonna do the whale too. Now.

I was laughing because the two guys that did everything everywhere, all at once, which is an amazing movie, and they just like it. They deserve this price. But after your fifth speech, go up there, grab it and run like do the thing everyone wants you to do, which is zip it and go, not like I just I just thought it one more thing, my teacher, I forgot my tea. Yeah, they did it every time, or just like no, no, no, you're you were welcome the first three or four times. Now get out for real.

It's almost like MCing, you know. I you know, I never did it. Whenever I whenever I did EMC, I would do my time up top and then I would just introduce people. I'm not trying to do time in between, you know what I mean.

There's times I've enjoyed that. But if anyone does time before me or after me, I take it as a oh, this guy just ate it, so let me do a joke.

That's a good point. You're like, oh, this guy's trying to palette cleanse. Yeah yeah, yeah, that's the coffee beans at the fragrance counter.

Or they do a little crowd work that. Then they eat it as the EBC where you're just like, no, no, we can't go down any further. You have to only go up. You can't do that.

It's almost like seeing the matrix because sometimes they're like younger comedians and don't know and like, you know, the most they can get as an EMC during this show. And then you're like, oh no, they're doing bits like I know they want it to go, but it's just it's like impossible. Yeah yeah, so you should just yeah, just bring someone up.

Yeah, it's funny we're talking about that because every time I've seen it, I'm like, oh, what are you doing? And I know that I've done it. Well, I got to be professional. Maybe it's not very professional. Just go up, Hey, that was great, here's the next comic. I shouldn't do that. I don't know why I forget.

That's why I love doing that. You know, my new mantra is I want to do the least amount of work to get the most amount of money. Honestly, Like it's new for you.

You've never thought of that before.

Well, here's the thing, because I think when you're younger, you get glitz and glam, like, oh yeah, it'd be cool to be an actor on some c W show or whereas like you might make more just doing stand up, or you might make more writing a show. So all these like jingly Hollywood things like okay, but now that you're older, you realize the time suck of all these

Acting is so much harder. I mean, well, Chris might disagree when I think it's just I had this idea of what it was in my head where it's like, no, I like stand up because I'm in charge. I write it, I decide I leave and I want.

Yeah, everything you put into it you get out of it. Whereas auditions it's like, Okay, you have to memorize three four scenes, you're spending two three days, you're running it with somebody else, you drive, or you used to do whatever you do the audition, you don't get it. All that work just evaporated.

And also to this, you retain the memory of the scenes like do you have you ever had that? Where like I've done things where I've memorized it. It kind of didn't make sense. I wasn't the biggest fan, and for years afterwards I could do that scene if people walked up and cued me yeah, because it was it all became a traumatic failure memory where I was just like, oh, I didn't get that.

Yeah did like a one woman show. And you're just dumping all all the memories of the auditions you never got and you just kind of it's like your synapses are firing and you used to do a commercial for amodium ad and then you do you do a scene from some sitcom.

It's like snarky best friend, slutty best friend, man, hungry best friend. It's just like every single possible scene.

I've friend because that was only trauma puts it in your memory forever, all the fun stuff you don't remember that.

You know.

What's funny is like I think maybe this is five years or six years ago Hollywood they were doing. They were doubling up on a diversity role. I was seeing so many roles for like a gay Indian. There were so many just auditions for like the characters gay and he's gay and he's Indian. It was just funny how they were doubling up on the rolls like two diversities.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, just so they can get them. Yeah. Oh, I'd love to see the meeting about that. Hey, this guy's a they probably have a word for it. This guy's a two for one.

Well, I think they write what they want to write, and then they kind of see what comes down from the top and they go, okay, all right, well we need too we don't have two roles. Let's have rog be gay.

Right, Yeah, that's great.

It's a long way from nineties auditions where no joke. I think I auditioned two different times for sitcoms where a woman falls in love with a talking dog, no joke, there's a talking dog that then the the arc becomes there's romantic feelings about the dog. I swear to God, the first time I saw it, I was like, this is a joke, scre this is fake. There's no way this is real. And I was going in, is the man hungry best friend of the girl that discovers her

I mean so, I mean, is the audience rooting for this dog to fuck this chick?

I mean no, I don't think anyone knew what they were rooting for. In the nineties, it was like such a difficult time for all.

Yeah, there was if you to think back that there was a show called Small Wonder about a robot girl that that said the darnedest things. I really think we've evolved as humans over the last maybe in a lot of way it's not for the best, but.

You know, I guess we didn't realize what a golden age we were in terms of just being a creative and pitching what was acceptable. Yeadn't didn't have to be in the realm of reality. You probably didn't even have to have a pitch deck Yeah, you just like went in there and then you go, yeah, it's about a robot.

Look out the window, there's a dog.

Dog.

Yeah, that's it.

Yeah.

Yeah, or like Olf, you know, someone went in there and just went, yeah, he's like a furry alien guy.

Good enough, let's do more cocaine.

Literally, that guy, the ALF guy, was on Heroin. That's the best part of that story. That's yeah, the what's that movie Permanent Midnight with Ben Stiller?

Oh?

Sure, it's about the guy that he. I don't think he was the show, and I think he was a writer on ALF and he just basically was kind of like lightly on Heroin in the beginning and then basically had his downfall as he the more successful he became because of that show.

He started turning more and more into ALF.

Yeah, he himself was becoming Alf.

Actually, that'd be a funny, true Hollywood story, just like ALF is getting gagged out of his mind just with all the success. He's going to nightclubs, he's going to Studio fifty four.

Then he's driving around downtown trying to score.

It's like, just drove by, he wrecked his car. That's when it got real. He's on life support.

That's when I started wanting to eat cats. That was one of his character traits, is that he wanted to eat cats. I thought that one just kind of flew under the radar. That should not have been.

Well, do you think they probably tried dogs first draft and the focus groups were having none of it. There to go, let's switch it to cats.

We can only be in love with dogs. Yeah, yeah, this is true, cannot eat them.

But in the movies back then in the nineties, you could catch a cat on fire, throw it into a Christmas tree. It was just have a rail in the in the background for a laugh and a record scratch fame.

Aside from your aeronautics job, what's the worst job do you have? Like a high school job or a part time job. Did we talk about this already?

No?

We last time we just it was an hour talking about air frars I think, which I've gotten.

For by the way, Oh okay, because I was I was going to talk about air friars, but we already covered it.

Yeah.

If we covered it, I mean we can dip a little into it. If there's highlights.

I think I covered everything. Yeah, probably that needs to be I spread the gospel of airs.

You are the Oprah of air fryers.

Yeah, except I don't give them to people. I just say get one with your own money.

Yeah, get your own I go.

You can buy an air fryer. You can buy everyone. Look under your chairs, there's air.

There's an Amazon lank under your chair.

Go ahead, yeah do it.

Maybe you didn't have one of those bad jobs because you went from engineer to a comedian, right or did what did you do? Nah?

But I would have like little summer jobs, you know. One one was one sucked. I was like helping some guy like with like odd jobs around his business, and so it's like a lot of manual labor, like lifting a bunch of newspapers one time for him. And I'm like a tiny kid, like I kind of grew late, so it was a lot of work. And then he had me clear out bees in the back. What he gave me some spray and there's like sticker bushes and then he's like, yeah, can you just like clear out

Yeah that's dangerous.

Yeah, I turn, I'll have the child do it.

Can you get rid of these rattlesnakes after you do the bees.

Just you have tinier wrists. That'll be I'm like, O, how does that make sense? You have tiny wrists get rid of these snakes. So yeah, that kind of sucked. Yeah. I think I worked at Dominoes for thirty minutes one delivery.

Yeah.

Well, well, what's funny is when you get so it was training, but it's all on a computer. So I'm like learning how to make pizzas on a computer. They probably bought some software like train your employees on the computer. Yeah. So I'm making like half ground beef pizzas on a computer, like clicking buttons and stuff like it's the worst video game in the world. So I'm doing that for thirty minutes, and then I find out that I got a job at Safeco Insurance, which is like a cubicle, like a

Yeah.

Yeah, So I pretty much just costplayed as a Domino's employee for thirty minutes.

You're like, now I know how to do that just in case, like you just have it in your Yeah, it's.

Not like Dominoes is going to call the insurance company and be like, hey, we thought you should know we walked out mid Pi.

Yeah, okay, you're not stop headhunting our guys.

Yeah, so nothing too terrible. What about you? You ever have like a terrible one?

I did a thing where when I was like twelve, the lady up the street hired me to feed her horses after school, which I was like dreamcome Drew, but I had to take I had to not just feed them, but clean out their stalls. And they had been standing in their stalls all day, so it's like four o'clock, so I would have to bridle them, take off an electric like an electric thing so that they wouldn't like try to push against the door, and they were they

And see what built character. Yes.

Meanwhile, I'm like running after thoroughbred horses and all this shit where it was just like so over the top. I should not have been in charge of those horses.

Yeah, you could have got Abraham Lincoln. You know what happened to didn't get kicked in the head by horse making history.

He was politics.

It's yeah, it's kind of it's people don't remember it because the it got overshadowed by the getting shot in the theater thing. Yes true, yeah, yeah, but he did chop down that cherry tree.

I know, I know, what was your worst job, Chris.

I think it has to be delivering because on paper, it sounded good. I was going to go door to door and deliver coupon books and you got a percentage. It was always some sales job, but I.

Remember those, Yeah, those coupon books.

Yeah.

It was called Serendipity Ventures and uh. And the first time I got picked up, the girl was just chain smoking. We had to stop at a bar. These guys were fighting and they were my co workers, adult men. I was like fifteen. They got in the car, one of them had a bloody nose, and then we drove to a part of town that I'd never been to that where people want savings, so it was like a mobile park and they we just got dropped off until the son went down and I'm with two drunk adult men.

Sales man like if you have that jean or gear, like you can make so much money.

Yeah, and I it was weird. It took me several jobs knives, all the all the sales jobs you get before you're in college. And I'm like, okay, I'm not good at this. I'm not good at selling my soul for a product. One time, this is named Mike. I was like, we were supposed to meet. He's like, yeah, this family invited me and they were having a party and I ate a bunch of chicken and pizza. I'm like, you got invited into a house. He was like partying

With the family. Like documentary Hand the Chicken. What is that Netflix shows about, like the guy who had sex with the entire family?

Right? Oh wait, the neighbor one where yeah, he was the neighbor, and then he ended uping the one girl.

Yeah, and they're not mad at him, and like he ended up having sex with a wife and then the husband.

It's like, crazy, man, he must be great in the sack.

Oh, it's so gross.

I want to I want to take his seminar. You know, you can go to pick up artists, but they only teach you how to pick up women. I want to know how to fuck an entire family.

Yeah, when you see that guy, it's like that idea that this was any kind of a like that. It's a reveal of any kind that he's a bizarre and creepy pervert. It's just like, yeah, you if you moved into a house and he came over, it's like, hey, what's up, I'm her across the street, neighbor, you would immediately sell that house. The creepiness is coming off of him in waves. So I don't know what was going on in that family that they were just like, well,

That just what's good with Grandma's good with all of us.

Yeah, that's another gear. Like I'll see all these cult documentaries too, And part of me is like, Yeah, what is this guy? He has something? There's something to be learned there.

You know.

It keeps on happening over and over again, like yeah, the way they talk to people.

They're like, yeah, I think it's like extreme eye contact. I think it's the thing that most people are so uncomfortable doing where it's like if you lock in on someone and you act like you love looking at them, they'll fucking do anything you write. And then it's a classic trick.

I found when I when I'm trying to get someone to do something I know they don't want to do, I don't blink and I look at one eye. I learned this from Michael Kaine. It's an acting Oh really, you just look at one eye and not both eyes. A lot of people dart around, a lot of people blink. If you look at them one eye, you can get them to do all types of sex. You can get them to buy.

Knives, coupon after coupon.

Oh so many coupons.

What if you get both After you're done having sex, you want some knives.

And then you get a coupon for next time. The idea of selling coupon books sounds like it's from nineteen forty two, Like I know where it's like before the Internet, there was stuff going on that like went unchecked or was assumed. Like when I first moved out for college, I remember opening that someone knocking on the door, Like, I wonder who's at the door opening the door? Some dude, and he begins to pitch me buying magazine subscriptions right and like, and of course he was a charismatic type.

It, and I had to. It's a social contract.

I agreed by having a door. Just the weirdest like difference.

Yeah, especially because now if someone knocks on the door, I just laugh out loud and keep sitting there. It's like, who the fucking up? Okay, murder a movie? Yeah that it's so I don't know how because here was my opening pitch. One of the coupons was for ten dollars off of an oil change that I remember. The book itself was twelve dollars to purchase, so I would just open it I'm like, here's most of your money right here. Everyone needs an oil change. This is ten dollars off.

Hey, I mean that logic checks out for me. Yeah, okay, yeah, all right, at most two dollars I'm paying for the coupon book change.

You're naturally good at math. You know, there's a lot of people would be very challenged by that opening, that opening gambit. We're just like I'd be like.

What, yeah, they cause thick, these pages are. This is quality stock, just totally the wrong thing, practically card stock. I remember when I moved to It's just funny how it's so antiquated coupon books Like that was a deep memory that I totally forgot about coupon books because I used to sell them. Part of middle school too, you know,

Yeah, you had to find the page. Then you had to fight. It was like a whole There was like several factors. You had to go to a page, then you had to follow the grid. Then you find where you are and after that information I don't remember how you then have to look up the grid coordinates of your destination and then what get a highlighter. All while driving.

You're memorizing streets above and below the address, so you're like, well, if I turn here and I suddenly see Adeline, okay, then I'm closed, Like you're yeah.

It's insert well, even you know, as talking about this just the act of asking someone for directions doesn't exist anymore. No, and it doesn't feel that long ago, like that used to be such a big thing. Yeah, it's like stop at a gas station. How do I how do I get to the four or five? Or how do I get to the south?

That was part of a gas station where you raised yes, that's right, yeah, that and handing out a dirty spoon connected to a key.

That and throwing an oily rag over her shoulder. He begins to gesture southward or wherever you're going.

I wanted to do a sketch for like Law and Order or something where they go, like they go into a bar to ask about a murder, and the bartender just he has busy work that doesn't make sense. You know, he's just like polishing a beer can. Like he's just like a nervous actor and doesn't know how to do natural things.

He has a stable sauce, he's resurfacing the wood.

He's just stacking the cans. You know, he's like, yeah, she used to come around here or something like, Uh, no one does that, no one, No one would do that. You just do what do what bartenders would do?

Make dear towers sorry.

Sorry, we were doing the same joke and.

He's just like twirling the rag the whole time while talking about how what the.

Girl was doing picking at his skin until it leads sir, that's more.

That's bar back behavior.

Yeah, they go, we can't recast him. We're into deep. We need to move, we're losing daylight. Just work with him, work with the actor. Hey, buddy, I know you're nervous, but uh, it's okay. Just maybe just don't do do anything with your hands this time.

Just yeah, I want to know what Eric Stoltz did on that day and back to the future where they had shot like a third of the movie and then he chewed it so hard one day that they're like, we got to reshoot this with someone else. That's so interesting though, because like he he's a good great yes. So I mean, was it just that they kept on filming and they go, Okay, it's just not gelling for the vibe that we want for that. That's exactly what they always say. There's never anything. I'm the first one

Stoltz like, is it a completely different movie?

It's just memorable scene. Yeah, he's stone faced and dramatic and the music is different. It's an entirely different movie.

Would they tell him to like lighten up or something, or do it twist on it or did he have his own interpretation?

It had to be like I remember they're they're having the clock tower conversation in Doc Brown's house and he's so dramatically is realizing that the clock like that, it's two high stakes. It's not as playful it was like the clock tower realization. You can.

But this is the thing, this one I'm talking about where how hard acting is because you're seeing some takes but like we probably did forty where it's like this is my funny version. Okay, I guess I'll be less funny, you know what I mean? Or depending on how they're directing them, where it's like you're as an actor, you're just expected to just keep doing it over and over in different ways. I'm still amazed by that. I always thought I wanted to be an actress, and I was

That's the way.

I'm an automatic one take.

Do you enjoy it? It is a great way to get health insurance too. But yeah, once you get like you can watch Star Wars auditions and watch you can see Mark Hamill nail and audition so hard. He's better than he is in the movie at acting. He nailed That's why he got. You see all these other well known actors and their same audition. I do a lot of YouTube and you guys and then they talk about it. But he's so good in his audition that's like, oh, of course he got it. Not as good in them.

Yeah, I mean, yeah, auditioning is a different art form onto itself. Some people can just kill auditions, but then they're they're not as great in the actual thing.

Like you can see Kurt Russell audition to be Luke Skywalker and it just didn't nail that audition, but he would have been very interesting, you know.

Wow, that's out there. You can see Kurr I go down Weird Wormholes audition in person at current current age.

Yeah, it's kind of fun to watch and you can learn from them.

Yeah, there's those office auditions. Those are on YouTube. And then I think Steve Carrell's audition for a anchorman on YouTube is pretty great.

Man, that was good.

Yeah.

I had an audition once. I'm gonna tell you the story of my proudest but failed audition is I got a call on a Saturday for someone saying they were from casting for Seinfeld calling me in for an audition, and I go shut up and then hung up the phone. And then they call back. They're like, no, no, we're not joking or whatever. And I'm like, oh, sorry, I could have sworn you were like a friend. Like I go it's Saturday, and they're like, I know, we had

Right.

So I walk and I'm like, man, this is like and I'm thinking almost like normally I would have been out of my mind, but it was also surreal that I was just like this is crazy. And so then I get this idea right at the last second before they're like are you ready to go? I'm like, oh, I'm gonna say taketos with an accent. So they do the que line or whatever it is, and then I go takito and the entire room goes like erupts, and then I just been looking around like fuck yeah, like

Was just like I had to look at the paper to say the next line. And then I was just like thank bye, and it was like I knew I didn't get it. But then it was that thing of like that's and also that's I'm not I don't mean.

To brag or tell that story to brag or whatever, because I always ate shit in every audition I went to. But it was like this one time where I was like, oh, maybe I get what I'm supposed to be doing here, like bring a little something to the and then something different immediately, like can't get over the just it's like that was my accomplishment. I'm not acting. This was like I can't not take it all.

It's so bra I'm a stand up. That's the stand up in you, because like you're sitting in the pocket of the laugh and just yeah, you're you. You're like I did that, and they oh yeah, hold on, I have to act.

Oh oh the point of the scene, Oh are you the lady that danced? And I'm sure I said it like so flat and boring. It's like, are you the lady that danced weird last year? Thank you? Thank you?

We always forget what we're going to close on. That happens all the time.

It sucks.

I can totally see you nineties Karen delivering that line all dead pan, and you would have been great. You really screwed the pooch the husky. You screw the Washington Husky on that one.

Every single time, I.

Kind of want to watch that episode and just see who got it. Yeah they did, be like oh now I know why they got it. They really they really rop subsessed to him.

Yeah, I can't believe it was a young Judy Dench. Yeah, for real.

It's like someone It's like, oh, Charlie's Throng got her start on Sign.

There is a lot of that though. You watched the show and like Terry Hatch or like all these guest stars you know, yeah, and then like Daphney on Frasier, like yeah, they all kind of have little guest stars on that show.

Yeah. I one of the first times opening for a comic. It was his name was John Bowman and he was like an umbrella salesman on Seinfeld And I'd seen that episode so many times and I had to share a condo with him in Boise. It's when they're used to be these comedy condos and you just have a roommate for four days five I think it was Tuesday through Sunday, and I couldn't. I'm like, oh my god, it's the umbrella guy from Seinfeld. I could never let it go. I never let him be a person.

He was just how did he treat it? Was just did he just treat it like a thing that came and went or did he revel in it? Like yeah, that's pretty cool.

Yeah, I'm I think maybe I don't. I think it was in his in his intro, yeah, okay, yeah, So he was proud of it, and he was fun. He was very funny. He made me laugh. I missed that guy. I miss being his roommate. But you know how I hold salesman in such a high regard, high regard to successful umbrella salesman.

What if he juggled the umbrellas? That would have put you and another lead?

No one does more than five the seven. I just faint. Oh god, they're lucky. I wasn't unconscious in that car the other.

Passengers was the juggling guy in that crosswalk? Do you think he's working Los Angeles as a whole or do you think he's just in that area.

He he seemed like he had had a very bad year, and his limp I don't think was fully an affectation. He in a past life was an amazing juggler, and that that's why I got very emotional about it. But it seems like he's rediscovered it.

I hope he's taking that show on the road. You can't have that for one intersection.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I want multiple roads, though I don't want a single road. I mean that talent, you gotta go to different intersections.

He's got to go to the Walk of Fame and he's gotta get yeah over by that really dirty SpongeBob SquarePants guy.

Yeah yeah, because I'm going to be his agent and I'm gonna I'm gonna get you in the sense strip.

I wished I was an agent in that moment.

I was, I'm talking to Santa Monica Boulevard. I so interested.

Yeah, and you didn't know I was watching, but I was. I love the limp. In the beginning, he really did pretend. He's like, oh, I'm gonna act extra for long, Like he was really dragging his leg and one of his pant legs was ripped open. And then he was amazing and he was having fun and he smiled and I was like, oh, look at it. He's like a happy It was really everyone. I was looking around. Everyone's like, ah, everyone in their car was freaking out.

It kind of the pinnacle of street performance because there's a shot clock. You know, it's a high stage environment, there's cars and stuff. It's a captive audience. Yes, it's pretty amazing.

It was great. I loved it.

Was it thirty seconds? How long did he have?

It was a sort of a long light. I don't know how he did that part, but it was. It's because it was where Alvarado meets Glenn. It was like a there you had to wait for five different streets to intersection. It wasn't just.

So how many shows do you think he does per hour? Like how many times does that crosswalk come on?

I that's something I want to know too. Of he just stepped to this because he was juggled. He was juggling on the corner. And then once the cars stop, I guess he does the limp and he was dragging like a milk crate. So everyone's like, oh, brother, it's going to take a while. They don't realize they're about to see the best show on earth.

I feel like maybe we should pitch this show. It's sort of like America's Got Talent, but it's at crosswalks and everyone has thirty seconds to put on the grandest show whatever they have. And then the people in the cars vote, you know, they decide.

Yeah, and if they don't get it, you execute them right.

Then you run them over. You run him over.

Yeah, it's like it should be near a freeway exit, so everyone has road rage, so they're not automatically going to love it. They're probably the literal toughest audience there.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, an angry audience. Yeah, thirty seconds.

Like the time I was doing morning radio in Austin. They got a guy that would win Nickelback tickets if we could make him laugh, and he was so angry and so many he came in there ready to not laugh, and it's like, this isn't gonna wait.

Did he not want the tickets?

He really would. I I've talked about this before.

I'm repeat, no, wait, you mean you mean if he didn't laugh, you would try to make him laugh. He didn't, he would win Nickelback tickets.

Right, I'm sorry, no, if right, I think they are going to give them to him anyway. But the object of the game was he gets free Nickelback tickets unless, against his will, we make him laugh, which is an impossibility, especially a guy who called in and said on the phone, I love Nickelback so much. I named my horse Nickelback, which actually is a pretty good it's a horse name.

Is a great horse name. Yeah.

I never realized that until now. Now I love the band.

Yeah, well I've thought about it a few times because I disliked the name Sea Biscuits so much. I came on a list of betters.

Huh.

But yeah, he did not laugh, and I think he enjoyed nickelback and I was scarred for life. Yeah it was awful.

Everyone won, right.

Yeah, but yeah, I think I love the show where it's like you have a street corner, but then you're you're using people. I guess that's about.

Wait, why are they they're voluntarily colleting? They love it. They lived a juggle exactly. Come on.

Yeah, and you don't have to rent a theater and and hire Nick Cannon and all that stuff.

Yeah, and it's for the people. There's no artifice of all this production is It's like the podcasting of talent shows. You know, it's it's real, it's gritty.

I like it, and I like it's in your faith.

Yeah, you're commuting, you can't get away from it.

Have you ever pitched a Have you ever pitched a show about Oh, here's the premise. It's an aeronautical engineer who is funny in the office. And have you ever pitched that?

No? Yeah, no, I to take my life story. You're like, so when you're growing up in Afghan boy?

Yeah?

Yeah, and then I got into engineering.

And I turned to math.

You just wanted to get away from the grunge music scene? Uh, where's the time got when we were already and this was an.

Episode we have kept you for a long time.

I did want to ask, though, because I started listening to your dance party podcast hours because I don't see another name on it. Are you talking to yourself? Because the other voice sounds like you?

Oh no, it's my buddy all Ali Balouch.

You guys have did you know you have very similar voices?

I did not know. But he's he's Afghan as well, so maybe.

That's not Hey, hey, you know I'm not different. I'm just saying all I never saw a photo the other way.

I mean, I mean you sound different. I meant different.

I just liked the idea and how difficult it would be to record both sides of a podcast as one person. Cause you're like, I'm like, after there was enough banter, I'm like, okay, there's no way there is good people.

Yeah, this is top level talent. If he is doing a podcast with himself a recorded. That means there's two guys that talented in this world, they have to both be him. Yeah. I was doing it for a bit and then and then I got the writing job, so I wasn't able to you know, your time is less, so I stopped doing it, but I'm bringing it back.

So yeah, we're concluding. Is there anyone anything you want to promote like writing?

Yeah, tours, No, I mean I've done with the writing job. Yeah, I'm on tours. So if you go to fhemanor dot com, you'll see what cities I'm doing. I'm doing Irvine this week and then Phoenix, and then I'll be in New York and Chicago, Terrific some other places. So yeah, just check out that. I guess my ig, you know, fahimn Or I put stand up clips up there and then the podcast I'm starting up again. So that's my YouTube channel where the special is as well. Just Fahim an or Nice.

Yeah, if you are on look at his website and if you live in LA he's often at the Comedy Store and he's very good and his special takes place in all three rooms at the Comedy Store and it's very funny. If you like jokes, Thanks one of the great like well written jokes.

Thanks for being here with us.

Of course, thanks for having me.

As always, guys, you've been listening to Do You Need a Ride?

D y n A R.

This has been an exactly Right production.

Produced by Analise Nelson, mixed by Edson Chroi. Our talent booker is Patrick Kottner.

Theme song by Karen Kilgarrett.

Artwork by Chris Fairbanks. Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at dinar podcast That's d y nar Podcast.

For more information, go to exactly rightmedia dot com.

Thank you, Oh you're welcome.

Honk honk. We used to honk the horn finking I get it, I get it.