S3 - Ep. 63 - Karen & Chris

I leave in I you wanna way back home? Either way, we want to be there. Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a terminol and gay aid.

We want to send you off insta. We wanna welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it. We scared her? Was it fine? Malborn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do your need to ride?

Ride you need.

With Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need ride? This is Chris Fairbanks.

And this is Karen Kilgaraff.

Oh, it's so blistery, blistery cold.

Karen the weather Look, nobody wants to hear people in southern California to talk about how hard it is to live in fifty degree weather. We understand that and we know, but we.

Still have to talk about it because it's so crazy.

Let's just give a quick weather update everybody, all your listeners, first of all, thanks for listening. We appreciate it. Also, Kathy mckibbon, if you're listening, I saw Rick. Thank you for listening. My old neighbor Rick. You may have met him at my housewarming party. Chris, but oh yeah, he had to come over because there was so many bad things going on with my house because of the storm last week that Rick came over because he's a contractor

Yeah, we do just talk.

We really do.

Yeah.

But I couldn't be more grateful to have had them as neighbors when I lived at my old house, because I had a contractor that lived next door, which is one of the hardest things in Los Angeles, one of the hardest people to get a hold of, because of course, and that can help you when your house is screwed up and it may have happened to you in this weather, like it's been pouring rain for days and days like hard rain, and we haven't had rain here in three years, right,

Like.

It's the kind of weather all across this town that no one is prepared for and no house is prepared for it.

Right, that's we're not complaining about the I mean, and in our defense, it was thirty nine the other night, not a low of fifty. But none of the houses here like are equipped for Like the rain is soaking up into the foundation. We don't have houses on stilts or anything. And my like, in my garage, the roof just fell on my car and dented it. Like wow wow, yeah, somehow it got wet seeping from the ground and all this wet dry wall landed luckily. I don't care much

Rain, and we're not equipped for rain.

But last week the wind was so extreme my electricity went out a couple times I don't know if that happened to you. No, no, I think it was Friday night.

But I did see a tree crush a toyota supra that a guy has worked on his whole life, and it made me very sad for him.

Yes, yeah, no, I mean that happened everywhere because these trees are all dried out to the roots, and so this is the funniest thing. So there's a big tree separating my house from my neighbor's house. I didn't hear anything or anything, but I got up in the morning and I went to empty the garbage and this tree is just leaning on my house and I was like, whoa because it didn't make noise nothing. So it's like in the wind, there was such constant wind that this

On elbow on your roof.

But it's a huge.

Tree and uh cut, you know, it's like, oh okay, but that's you know, there's doesn't seem to be any damage, but it's got to go. And so I called the neighbor and he he owns the house, but he doesn't live there, and so oh no, I emailed him and then I didn't get a response, and then I saw that he had called me, and so I called him back and he's like, hey, so, yeah, that tree you know, I don't know if you saw it whatever. And I'm like,

Tree with your chainsaw that you own, yeah, exactly, and your leather.

But wait, he goes, wait, what do you mean, it's your tree in my yard. So I have a tree in my backyard that I didn't even know went down and fell into his backyard and broke the fence between our yards, and that I didn't even notice because I was so obsessed with the tree in the front. So when I go, oh, no, I was talking about the tree in the front, and he goes, I know what are you talking about? And I'm like, oh, yeah, a gigantic tree in like the front planner is just kind

No, no, no, it's scary. People die from.

They die, and this tree just is leaning. The roots didn't come up. It doesn't look like a tree that fell over because it isn't. It hadn't fallen all the way over, so the people that live in the house didn't even notice that the tree was over because it's just over, like five feet from where it normally was.

I love that they're falling subtly and resting upon things as if to lightly yeah, like it's a water and they're about to say, what are you getting into this weekend.

It was the funniest phone call because I don't know this person very well, and this is where you really learn who people are, right, because he could have called and been like you owe me this much money, or he could have done anything. And when I sent him the email, I really was like, Hey, this is awkward because We've only had one conversation. But I'm not demanding anything from you. I just I'm trying to let you know, like, hey, we need to make.

A plan or something.

And then when I didn't hear back, I was like, oh, no, these I wonder what this means. So then when he called me, it was like he called me on Sunday, but the call didn't go through until Tuesday, and he goes, I called you on Sunday, and so he and it just didn't Sometimes that happens, like the call doesn't come through. So he thought I was avoiding him, and I thought he was avoiding me, and we both were talking about different trees.

Yeah, another leisurely weekend tree.

It was.

We laughed and laughed, and then we were both very relieved that we aren't unreasonable people and we can just like he's like, so he's.

Just get a guy. He's the contractor guy.

No, No, the contractor guy is from my old house, Rick, who's who helped me with the flooding.

Oh.

But then Rick was like, you got to get that tree off your house that could actually do damage. And I'm like, yeah, I know, I'm talking to the guy whatever. So anyway, thank God, it's a positive ending to the story. But it's like we're not just talking about like being chilly or whatever. This weather has been so extreme that like it's like it was hailing on the east Side today. Ye like a little bit of snow in Silver Lake or Glendale's.

And it's cold in our houses. Our house, there's zero insulation. If you look in my attic, it is just planks of wood. So even though it might be zero degrees where you live, you have like a heating system that's ready for that.

I am raying you live in a culture that's prepared for it. Yeah, your steam heater comes on and fills up the room, and.

You own car hearts, you have surreal boots. I'm in my apartment with my surf trunks.

Trembling, crying, crying, begging the Lord to help.

Oh, I get so religious, but I don't have to be anymore. Guess who got fancy, very high end health insurance. I'm so excited.

How did you do that?

I just I called a broker and eyes like, here's what I need. And I know I'm going to pay a lot a month, but I'm just gonna get in there, get all the cameras in my holes do everything that a guy my age needs to do. I can't wait for these cameras because each painful one will bring me peace of mind. That's right, And the guy was very helpful, the insurance guy. I don't remember what my insurance company is called. It's some Obamacare, it's a.

New met Life snoopy, it's no.

I wish I wish it was. Oh God, imagine, imagine if I had just an insurance that reminded me of my childhood and no adults and dancing. Now I need to look. I was looking because I am always nervous when over the phone. It seems so bizarre to give your card number and the three digit code and everything. And sure enough, I got distracted by not I didn't find the insurance because I apparently have been eating at many Italian restaurants in Florida. I don't know if it's related,

Just a double check that you weren't like sleep eating or anything.

Or to see that they weren't like it was a parent company of a place I went here in LA but I haven't been eating out here either. They were all pending, they all got reversed. Everything is fine.

That happened to me recently. And the first it's the first place they used my card was at Ralf's to buy groceries, and it bummed me out so bad, where I'm like, this is where we're at, Like, yeah, this is where we're at, where people are desperate and they're they're not stealing people's identity so that they can go do crazy shit.

They're trying to buy groceries.

Yeah, yeah, this was I mean, he went out for a fancy who they whoever it was. It could have been an accident. I don't know, but it seems like a lavish Italian dinner. That kind of made me upset. But you're right. While I was on stage years ago in Seattle, someone went into the green room stole my wallet. Obviously looked at the wallet and said, hey, that's the guy on stage right now. This is how much they

Look how much calamari these people still on your dime?

Yeah in Florida.

What if it's two old people that are just like, we don't give a shit anymore.

Happy anniversary, sweetie.

This one's on fair bag.

Yeah, they come in wearing ski masks. Oh. I love this elderly career criminal couple. Oh. Speaking of my favorite old lady that compliments the scariest of people in the parking lot. And everyone's saying, hey, you should have her on the podcast. I keep getting because she's a delightful lady that and I did see her at Lasen's today, but I didn't. I think I probably made the good choice not to just invite a random stranger on our podcast.

I would know, and also, let me let me just tell, let me tell you and the listeners this as a person who had to go through the audience every single day at the old talk show I worked at. Right, She's great in real life because she's great in real life. Yes, that is not does not always translate, in fact, rarely translates.

I'm going to say, yeah, the media, Yeah, there's a one percent chance that all of a sudden should be comfortable on their personality.

I mean, I would love it.

You know, it would almost be like if we found out she, like your dad, was an old radio host DJ and had the chops or whatever. And actually, you know what, now that I say that, this is Los Angeles, where everybody used to be somebody at some.

Point, I'm assuming she was. She's got she's got this glamor to her. She's this pomp and circumstance. I don't even know what that means. But I just like the I just like the way she carries herself. Maybe all podcasts aside. I just need to become friends.

Yes, you should talk to her anyway from a bit of a distance, Yes, just for comfort sake. But then also maybe when we get back into the car and you've already made friends with her and we find out that she used to have a contract at Paramount and she was in you know, one of the swimmers with Esther Williams or whatever, that would be right, some amazing thing. Then she's in the cart.

It makes sense.

I want her to be one of those synchronized swimmers where they where they kicked together in the form of a flower wearing a pink little hat. I hope that was her past life.

The height of Hollywood glamour. There was some one of those studio sets that had a gigantic pool on it where people were just in the pool shooting all day.

Yeah, the same pool that they danced and fell into and it's a wonderful life.

The sideways dive one after the other like a roll off, but into a pool.

We love that.

Yes, perhaps at the Elizabeth Taylor Aquatic Center where I did my physical therapy for a short while.

Perhaps that's what it is. Did you ever see the movie Hale Caesar, the Cohen Brothers movie.

Yeah, I love it. I didn't realize I loved it. I had to watch it again.

Well, you know, the Coen Brothers make movies like old school movie style, where it's like you're not going to get this all at once. Yeah, like you're going to be able to watch it multiple times and see new things. But that part where Scarlett Johansson is Esther Williams, but she kind of talks like this, like it was the funniest and then she ultimately falls in love with Jonah Hill at the end.

Oh I don't remember. I got to watch it again.

I think, Oh, it's so good and just like that idea where it's like it's the business side of Hollywood, where you know, Josh Brolin is walking around having to be.

The that runs the studio.

Yeah, yeah, making sure everybody's doing what they're supposed to be doing and not doing what they're not supposed to be doing.

So good.

Oh yeah, at a time when not only were they the agent of the actor, they also own the studio, so they're double dipping just all these and they have to slap them around when they're not on set in time, and most of.

Them are from the mafia. That's how they got everything to work the way it worked. It was because there was a real mafia presence.

Oh I love old dirty Hollywood.

It was a dirty town and it continues to be, but now it's also windy.

Yeah, none of the buildings have been maintained at all.

It is kind of cool that, like Paramount's still there, Warner Brothers are still there, like the same exact places where they, you know, filmed, like Humphrey Bogart movies.

They're still there.

Hey, why all these studio Hey Karen, why do all these studio lots have their own water tower?

Oh?

Uh, that's because if there's a fire on thel, you need a source of water.

I actually don't know. I made that up.

I bet you're right. It ain't for drinking.

I bet it ain't for drinking. And I bet it is some sort of because also it's like those kind of water tower things they're in New York too, on people's roofs, old water towers.

What are they called.

Yeah, Sometimes sometimes confused ladies that maybe getting followed by a ghost or something crawl into one and die. Remember that that's a bad one. Is a bad one. It's scary. It's a scary, scary, scary thing that I revisit off and I still want to solve it.

Her name is Alisa Lamb and it's horrible and sad. And they think probably she was off her meds and so she was having a manic episode.

Yes, that was a that is what makes it very sad. Well, I'm sorry I brought it up, but don't crawl into water towers, is all I'm saying for real.

Also, the hotel she was staying at is has such a creepy history, and we should actually tell our listeners.

This first listener that weren't.

Here in La right, Yes it was. Yeah, there's a documentary about.

That break downtown. There's a great documentary on some streaming network about it.

You can look it up.

But if you listener ever come to Los Angeles to visit, yes, do not stay downtown unless it's like a Hilton or one that has like more than ten floors. But there's a lot of people who make this mistake where they come to Los Angeles but they want cheap lodging and then they end up downtown at a hotel that's also like a halfway house or something crazy, and it's like way worse than you could even imagine.

And in this case, if I recall correctly, all the permanent residents that lived there were on the lower floors, so you had to go through to get to the actual hotel rooms. You had to go on an elevator, sharing it with the people that were like squatting or or there to shoot up needle drugs or play illegal poker.

Or possibly the nightstalker. He stayed there for a while.

You're kidding.

Two different serial killers stayed in that hotel. You can look it up on Netflix or whatever and watch it.

And yeah, the part of that documentary is there was like a hotel manager that was trying so hard to make it a nice hotel and took a job so seriously, and I felt bad for her the whole time she was striking. She was.

Yeah, she was the kind of person when you watch that, when you watch that documentary, which is a great one by the way, like it's just there's so much going on in it, but that woman, you just want to like grab her by the shoulders and go. At some point you have to give up, Like, at some point, this is too much for one person.

Like you went to.

Probably college for hospitality and you know, like hotel whatever. Yeah, and this is isn't that? Don't do it to yourself. Concierging, hotel concierging. Yeah, it's a it's a small major, but it's a good major.

It's a you know, it's a friendly major.

Yeah, watch where you stay. Don't save money.

Don't save money in downtown Los Angeles, Right.

That's slurge.

Had I were to finished, I had to take a sip of my cold coffee.

Oh well, it's bad timing. Is cold coffee part of your new diet?

It's me trying to save money. Actually, I just tell coffee I brewed. I brewed it yesterday, and uh and I just you know, you warm it back up. It's only been a day.

You know.

It's funny. I always make the same amount of coffee. I always make six cups. Yeah, I always have coffee leftover, yep. And I actually sometimes I'll reheat it later in the day or like you know, if I need it later.

But I don't hold it over to the next day.

No, I fill a whole pot. I make. I live alone. Yet I make enough coffee for a boss and three staff writers. That's how prepared I am.

Then you put your clip on, tie on, and you go into the front room.

You got to create your own future. You have to make it happen. That's what I'm doing. It starts with making enough coffee for a production shoot.

You've got one of those big, like the kind of coffee dispensers that's like at a wedding or whatever that ye're like, you know, one hundred cups in it.

A big steel rental yep, yeah, with a spigot on it.

Fun always the worst coffee, just the worst coffee that they make in those but you have it with your pie and you'll love it.

Oh God, I've been buying entire pies too, and just eat one slice.

I love around the holidays when you get to eat pie for breakfast and no one says a word about it.

Yeah, there's a there's a lot I'm going to miss with my new which I asked you about before we start recording. But I'm doing the whole thirty and I don't believe pie is on that diet.

Probably not.

I don't think there's any It's nuts. I can have nuts and dried fruits. Let's see if I recall this correctly. I can have sardines because great. You know me, I'm a salty old fisherman and I love cannon, my own tiny fish.

You're a cat with a hat and a tie.

Yeah, I have an alley cat friend. I'll go out and get some fishbones from him. And then I like, yeah, I think you said I could have cauliflower brice. I don't know. I bet I start to feel great though physically, I'm just not going to Flavor Country this month.

But also you're one of those people that doesn't care about sweet things? Am I right about that?

You know me? I have drinks a few nights a week. You know I'm not going to be drinking. So I think that's where my sugar tooth and all the teeth, all the sweet teeth are going to want some sweet tea and cake and everything because you know, alcohol won't be satisfied. Yeah. Yeah, turns to sugar in your body now. I'm not even getting that accidental future sugar. That's right.

The sugar area of your system is going to be like, what the hell's going on?

Yeah, anytime I stop drinking it is, I'm just as I follow lessly if I'm counting snickers, ice cream bars, jumping over a fence.

Oh so you don't, So that's good to hear that you will you believe that basically the reason you don't have a sweet tooth is because you're satisfying it with a little beersy beers here and there.

Yeah yeah, or I'm afraid some of the clear liquors you're vonn because I don't have a problem. I don't think. Maybe a little bit, but that is one of the main reasons I'm doing this diet. It resets your body, according to the website, Sure, and uh makes it very difficult to make meals, which I'm looking forward to. But I also feel like I could use no alcohol for a month or maybe more.

It'll definitely be a nice system reset. I mean that's always good to just you know, for three months or however long you decide to do it. Yeah, you've doing it, clean it out. And I have to tell you, and you were talking about this earlier, but I have quit sugar multiple times and the first two weeks are very difficult, and it's just because we're we don't understand how much

Yeah, I bet I'm going to experience it just because of how much sugar is in whatever goddess dressing or the things I eat all the time. And I don't realize, you know how, I'm a bit of a gott it. It's got goddess are nothing for me. You can take that olive oil and vinegar and get to toss it in the trash. I'm a goddess boy.

But I love those herbs.

Yeah, I love herbs. I love it. But I'm yeah, I'm going to notice how much sugar I have been taking in. I don't know, this is a new thing. I got health insurance. I'm gonna do a diet thing, not going to drink.

The good part of it is once you get past those two weeks, and this was the thing that really really blew my mind kind of every time. Once you get past the two weeks and you just like you just gut it out, you feel unbelievably great.

It's not easy to get to that point.

But then once you get to that point, that craving thing gets turned off, right, so it's out of your system. And then if you can just keep on and then that's the challenge is then you just keep on not having those things. You don't put it back into the system. You're fine, right, and you have tons of energy. You'll notice like your attitude might have a like an upswing or you're you know, if you have any kind of like depressive tendencies. They're gone, Yeah, okay, I'm excited.

That's why I'm doing this because I and you probably did this before too, when like ten years ago, it was like a cult. It's that master Cleanse thing that was there. Yeah, it was like syrup and cayenne pepper and lemon water and I was bringing a bag of lemons with me everywhere like a weird little farmer and making it but trying to do that. I was still doing shows and I was drinking. But I did that for fifteen days, Like that was too long to do it.

That thing too, that was big.

I remember I had a where people started doing that and then it was like, oh, you're not doing it. There was like a lot of pressure yeah, and kind of like you should do it, and why aren't you doing where It's just like sorry, I can't just drink that weird water all day long. Like that won't I won't do well on just weird water, but it is fun. Like I remember when I did. I think it was The Zone.

The first time we did the Zone.

So I was just basically eating like steak and almonds or like steak and broccoli or whatever, like just real basic. And after about a week, I remember Nate Larson, who I worked with at the time. We were both in the kitchen at work, and I was like, he was the writer's assistant and I was just like, hey, so we got to do it. And I was like kind of like just ticking off this list of stuff we had to take care of, and he goes, what's going on?

And I go, oh, I'm on the Zone and he goes, oh, that's why you're in go mode.

Oh wow.

The phrase always stuck in my head because I was like, yeah, I'm not like dragging my ass trying to like chug coffee so that I have energy and like clarity. All of a sudden, it's like it's there, and I'm like being kidnapped by my own energy. Like the energy is just going and I'm just kind of like, here we go. Here's what it be like if I had energy all the time. Yeah, nightmare.

Yeah, because it's not like positive energy. It is just manic. What I remember just having, Yeah, talking mile a minute because I think that my brain was starving. If that's a thing you can do.

Yeah, it absolutely is.

That's the If we're going to talk about dieting this much, we should absolutely be talking about the downside of dieting, which is A you are starving your brain, and your brain does shrink when you diet, and when you restrict calories and food, and b you fuck up your metabolism. And sometimes, like when I was doing that no sugarno flower off and on all the time, Yeah, I fucked my metabolism up so that when you stop again, you immediately gain weight and it bec comes way harder.

To lose it. Yeah. I just know that this thing that I'm doing seems very similar to the diet I went on. Went back when I had full body pain and they just said, oh, you have arthritis and you'll have it forever. And then some friend of mine, their wife was like a dietitian, and she said, oh, just do the no gluten, no dairy, no sugar thing, and

Actually you should.

I think it's there's so many things these days that really do Like the second I stopped eating gluten, which was it's about a month ago, it's a total game changer. I could tell the difference, like within three days. It was crazy how different I felt.

You're doing that now.

Yeah, I just because I got really sick one night, and that's I traced it back to like, oh, this is because I ate too much like bready things.

Yeah I didn't. Yes, great writer, I uh yeah, I feel like I didn't quite believe that's what was helping me. But sure enough, if you're in a situation where it's like, hey, we're ordering a pizza, and it was it's like, well, I'm not going to be a weirdo if that's what everyone's ordering. I'll have a slice of pizza. The next day.

Well, but it's not like you're not a sloppy little pig. This situation of our the state of our and world right now and the way we mainline bad news, like you have to cope in some way, so there's lots of different ways to do it. You're very good about exercising, but you know, but you're actually sensitive. I think you're probably gluten sensitive, Like you might want to get tested for that. Yeah, you never have the grain part. It's

Yeah. And when I did this diet that was not you could maybe get gluten free bread, but it just fell apart like a dandelion when you like, they're way better at it now because this was like ten years ago when I had that full body oh yeah attack. Yeah.

No, there's a place in the valley and I actually sent my niece who has Celiacs. I center the postcard when they sent it to me when it opened. It's called bread Block and it's a bakery where every single thing is gluten free and they make sandwiches and they make desserts and they make just baguettes and all this stuff, and all of it is safe.

Yeah, because what I am bad about is making my own food. But because I live alone, who makes a whole meal? And then what am I in? The guy from the Last of Us, you know, just making my own meal and listening to classical music. But I the.

First eating out of a can.

Yeah.

Oh you mean Nick Offerman's episode. Yeah, Nick making those beautiful meals?

Yeah, yeah, I love that episode. Anyway, I yeah, I immediately when I was researching this diet or just the other day. This is my first day doing it. I'm getting ahead of myself. But I looked up restaurants that honor it, and fucking like cheesecake factories on there. But there's things you can order that are compliant with this thing. But it's so funny. It's like Olive Garden cheesecake factory places that I because I know, oh, I'm going to break down and want to go have someone hand me food.

Yes, it's hard, I mean.

And also like it's there's an emotional component to food, and you can't give up food like you give up alcohol. So there's lots of things attached to it. And like you and I have talked about, like having moms that are bad cooks make eating like this reward that or like I get to have something, and it's like most people that don't have that relationship are just like, yeah, it's lunch, it's not a big deal, and this isn't

Yeah? And I open my fridge and it's just an opened tub of tofu And I think that's when I'm like, I think the answer is going to my friend who lives down the street, and the schwans man drops off frozen burritos at his house, isn't what Oh.

Yeah he had burrito delivery.

Yeah yeah, yeah, they just threw it in his chimney and.

Uh wait, what's a schwans Man.

Yeah, maybe that's a mid I almost said Montana is not in the Midwest, but it's up there and it's real close to it. But yeah, it's a truck with a giant swan on the side, a refrigerated truck, and they drop off food that children can prepare in the last key situations microwavable. Yeah really yeah, yeah it was the swan. It was you know, ice cream and things

Yeah, yeah, all brand here, have your all brand.

No.

I would like corn pops, which used to be called in the seventies sugar corn pops. They kicked that sugar off there, but it's still it's still on the corn pops, but it's just off the front of the box.

Yeah. That The only reason I remember that is there was a commercial where the Pops Bear was skateboarding and he was like in the forest and he did a three sixty flip and I'm like, okay, I bet our start eating that cereal apparently makes you figure out Trey Flips.

Was his name? Pops that bit?

I think it was Pops. I don't even remember if he's a bear. He could have been a toucan, but he's a great skateboarders.

That's fruit lips.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think he was.

I think he was a bear, yeah, because I think he was kind of a stoner.

Yeah.

I think he of Yogi Bear?

Am I just like I think you're thinking of smoking weed out of a high honey Bear. You're thinking of Brad Pitt's best character work, Honeybear stoner guy.

Wait, I'm going to look it up, Sugar Pops Bear.

Yeah, we have to, and if you put in skateboarding, you will find that I am not telling tails out of school Sugar.

Oh, that's sugar smacks Bear. Wait, we might be thinking of is it thinking of this guy?

Max is a frog? I think wait, yeah, he's always smacking his frog lips.

What cereal?

Did Sugar Bear represent? Posts, Sugar Post, Super Sugar Crisp. Oh, that was the the wheat puffs.

Oh I didn't. I didn't like that cereal.

Yeah, I don't know that it was ever made it into my house. That's you know, I'm not talking total sugar snack about my mom, because yes, she was not a passionate food preparer. But that's because unlike any other moms on my block, she was like a vegetarian, pieda person. And imagine how hard that is in small town Montana, there's like one grocery store that has carib chips or whatever. I understand why there wasn't like, hey, let me whip up a meal for my kids.

It was hard enough, not a lot of options. Did you have to eat like a lot of egg plant? Yes, stuff like that? Ugh nightmare?

Yeah, and man as it's slimy, all that stuff, eggplant, tofu, all that stuff that is a slippery, wet sponge. You got to really know what you're doing. I didn't have good tofu till the other week. Someone at stage I blew my mind. I'm like, I am craving after these pieces of tofu. I don't they like they had, they had varied texture in the middle. It was like firm. I don't know what they did. I was like bothering the staff, what do you do with this tofu? They're like,

I mean, it's not none of your business.

And I buy it in bowl. I'd like a bucket of tofu. And they just ended up pushing me out. You don't even need to pay. Please leave.

Wait, that's a vegetarian restaurant near you.

Yeah, stage just like a vegan place, and it's the good kind of tofu, not the fucking you know. For a while they they were telling us it's bad because of certain GMO. Soy, I don't know. I don't want to get into that snows festival. But this was like really good. It was just last week that I had my first good dose of.

Tofu back in the day. It just makes sense that there was there weren't a lot of options, and the options that were there were not great. Like I'll never forget getting taken to the movies by our family friend and they were hippies. They didn't have kids, so we would like sometimes they'd hang out with us to be like, yep, that's right, we don't want kids. And we went to the movies with them one time and I was like

It's not fair.

I've eaten so many of those sweet I don't know what it honey and covered and sets me seeds. Yeah, it's like an accident that happened on a counter and someone accidentally put it in.

Their mouth and then said this will do this, will do it.

Yeah, I had I ate a lot of those in my house. Yeah. Man, yeah, upset, No, But now I'm thankful for it. I think it's really cool. And this was when Peta wasn't like, you know, kind of going off the deep end. It seems a little this was like it was cool that my mom, like we had pictures of chickens. At one point, there was a I have vague memories of this, but there was an actual

It was one of the coolest things. A cooler thing would have been just a grilled cheese sandwich or something.

You know, let's just let's get reasonable.

I did. I do think we had cheese. It was more of like a vegetarian thing. So I'd eat cheese and go out and try and say how to the turkey, and he'd attack me. I think that's why I'm okay with eating turkeys. That turkey was so mean. He looked like a big dinosaur.

They hate us.

I'm not saying diets should be a vendetta, but man, I've had enough Turkey's wrong me that I have a nice, good Thanksgiving every year, and I'm sorry if you're out there.

You should not be eating Thanksgiving turkey laughing and saying this is what you deserve. But you're not wrong if you do.

That's yeah. But you know, I am confronted by eating the pigs because they're sweet and you know, just fast George Clooney, Yeah, and they're smart.

They're smart as a seven year old child.

Well. Also, if you take a dead pig and throw them in their little pig pen, they will eat they will become can't eat it.

Yeah, yeah, because they know how good pigs are to eat.

Yeah, just like a seven year old kid.

I just wish it's like at least your mom was like, oh, we're a vegetarian family, or I'm doing a specific thing, or I care about animals. My parents were doing a very kind of a lazy like, oh, this is what's going on culturally here in the seventies, so we'll do a version of it, but not full so like we had the peanut butter that you'd to stir yourself with the oil, which is right, Adam, truly one of the

It was there was no and then your mom's like, who bent the butter knife? It was the thick peanut butter. Mother.

You bought it, mother, not I.

Or we just would eat saltines and that to this day, I know it's a psychological connection because when I feel like especially stressed or don't know what to do, I begin to crave saltines, Like there's nothing better than just sitting down with a sleeve of saltines and eating a shit ton of them.

Yeah, yeah, I agree, And I've spent an entire winter where because the saltines were free in Bend, Oregon. When I snowboarded every day at Mount Bachelor, they had saltines that were like, well, we can get these away and every day that's way for lunch, and they're at free condiments. I would have textured vegetable proteins something my mother sent with me. It was a powder you add water and form it into patties. I'd literally put those in my

Shit, I mean that TVP or whatever you're saying it was TVP. It must have gotten a job done, though, because that fueled you.

Yeah, I was up there all winter. I had By the end, I had an empty bag. And I don't think I ever complained about being hungry. I didn't have money to eat out.

But yeah, my mom used to tell me stories of when she was in nursing school and she had no money. They used to go to diners and order a cup of coffee and a bowl of hot water and then put ketchup in the hot water and drink it like a tomato soup.

Oh my god, we were so poor. Yes, I come from very poor poor people, and this is going to gross you out, but I've already gone down this road. In the apartment I lived in that winter, there was a seven eleven around the corner, and I would go and want the employee there would take smoke breaks, and then an employee would come in and so she'd put a misty slam in the astray and I'd go run and take it, run back to my apartment and smoke

That's absolutely but shoplift. It sounds like you didn't shoplift.

Oh, I've never I have never stolen anything. I stole one whistle that goes and my Dad's like, I didn't buy you that whistle, and we had to go back to the store and I returned the whistle, at which point I got in trouble for scaling it.

I stole one time when I was little, I stole a Jolly Rancher single. So I think at the time they were three cents, no joke. Yeah, And I stole it because I was with I didn't have money on me, and we were with like we were staying at our neighbors for the weekend, and I just couldn't. We had to go get their mom something at our corner store, and I was like, I can't come here and not have.

Candy, like it's what I get to have.

So I just took one.

And then I.

Felt so guilty for like the full week that at the end of the week I had to confess to my mother and she's like, well, no, now we have to go back and you have to tell Jimmy just that you stole something. And it was horrifying because we would go to Ageism buy candy every goddamn day, and so they were the nicest people that owned the store. And then I'm like I walked in and I was six years old probably, and I walked in and then kind of looked around and I just walked back out and like, I can't do.

I can't do it.

Yeah, I can't do it.

I can't tell them.

But of course she'd already had the conversation with him, like they are they all knew that I did.

Yeah, I think my whistle return was a setup. Also, they knew I was coming. But I've always thought if you do take something like a whistle, you're gonna end up choking on it. My friends, Uh, that's true. The skate shop. One day, my sweet friend Zach that started the skate shop. I went with my friend and it was a friend that I wasn't super close with, and they it was open, they didn't lock it, and he grabbed a skateboard off the wall and I, you know,

That's also I like that you were morally centered, which probably is was from your mom.

Right yeah, it seems like my dad.

Yeah, and you're well, yeah, of course your dad.

But but then also I think that idea is true. I think I've told the story at least ten times on this podcast. But my later in life stealing was I got this job at a coffee shop in my like I was nineteen. It was when i'd flunked out of college. Everything was a little dark, and I'd convinced myself like, oh, they barely pay me, you know, because I think it was like for seventy five an hour was the minimum wage or whatever, And so I took

I just stopped doing Well, how what were you twenty two or something?

Nineteen? Oh?

See, then it's even more excusable. I was when I was when I was doing this nefaria, picking up cigarette butts and drinking forties and eating salting and sleeves, I was like, I was already at the age people have started careers like twenty four. Thank god, I turned my life around to be you did, productive member of society. I am today. I'm off crackers, I'm off the SIGs.

I'm off crackers. I'm proud to say I've quit crackers.

I don't hold wire hangers over a gas stove and burned designs on a stranger's back.

Was that something you did? Yeah?

It was like he wanted like a cross of some kind.

As a wound, as a brand.

Yeah, I don't. It probably doesn't look good today. Well he took it like a champ, and he wanted me to do it, and I was like sure, And then it became the this is such a weird confession, but yes, I knowingly and purposefully burnt a friend's back.

But well for his request.

Yeah, but I could have said no, you know, there was really no peers around that were laying down heavy pressure.

Yeah, where was the Chris phr you'll to his friend into returning his skateboard.

He was gone, yeah, yeah, I'm like, only good things can come out of this. Now, this is gonna hurt by down on this length of leather. I always kept one in my pocket for this fact. It was so but yes, he wanted me to want me to do it. It was a weird time. It's a weird time.

I mean, it's always a weird time. I used to make my roommate Dave cut my hair. Like I would get drunk and be like, you had to give me a bob, and he'd be like, I don't know how to cut hair. Your hair's too thick, and I'd be like, just do it, and then I would have like a super misshapen but cute nineties bob.

Yeah, as long as you weren't looking straight at you know, from either side, it would look good.

Well.

I always just kept my head at a slight tilt, like huh, I just I look like hunt all the time, Karen, do you have a question.

Nope, it's just my hair.

Yeah, yeah, it's just uneven haircut. I'm not interested in what you're saying. I'm not deep in thought.

Also, I would cut my own bangs.

Man.

That was a that's classically what you're not supposed.

To do, you cannot do it. And in the nineties baby bangs became very popular.

But the delineating factor there was.

You had to be like basically a model to pull off baby bangs because they were like, you know, if your normal banks sit directly above your eyebrows, baby banks, it was like take those up an inch, so you literally just look like a mental patient.

Oh yeah yeah.

And plus I have always had a big round face, which also is like baby banks.

Really that ain't it.

So every time like that, after I would do it and I'd be like tiny banks, everybody I'm hip, and people would be like whoa.

Like I've had people like recoil after I cut my own bank.

Yeah. Yeah, it's like the very unsuccessful times I shaved off my eyebrows. One they don't come that's you're looking at three months before they come back, and you look like an extra from Children of the corn if you if you do your bangs, you mess with your eyebrows, anything that you do at home without having any knowledge, you will look like a children of the corn.

You will you will be from the cornfields. Wait, why would you shave your eyebrows off?

Oh that was just to be silly. Oh oh yeah, that was you know, at a time dying hair, and you know, yeah it was a poor choice. It was knowingly I'm going to do something dumb and make my friends laugh, shave off the eyebrows. Also, I didn't have I always had kind of a blonde, wispy trump combover eyebrows, so no one really missed them. They didn't turn into the predominant uh, Colin Ferrell's you see up here today there's Peter Gallagher. I'm I mustaches, but I yeah.

Yeah, they're huge. Yeah, I can't imagine, you know.

Any I'm feeling by simply looking above my eyeballs.

Wait, now that we're speaking of this, can we just dip into a Colin Farrell moment really quick?

Yes?

Yes, First of all, did we talk about and did you watch Banshee's of in a Shares?

Yes, and my phone knows I watched it, and I'm getting a lot of interviews with him and that other actor who's name I don't know, like them having their their friendship. I'm like, yeah, Gleason, their their real life friendship. Why is friends with him? He had told sweet stories about how he, you know, is a good friend. They are like the sweetest friend couple.

Yeah.

There's also a really good interview with him and Jamie Lee Curtis. She's interviewing Colin Farrell for like some magazine or some whatever, and it's a very like clearly Jamie Lee Curtis loves Colin Ferrell, and so there's a lot of kind of like flirty tension, which of course he's very good at because clearly that's all he does all day,

To talk to you.

And it was this thing where it was like I knew it was him, but it wasn't him, because I was like, all right, we'll talk about that later, Like I was trying to get away from him, and it was so hilarious. But then when I woke up, I was like, God, he was into me. It was like a real it was like a fake kind of a confidence dream.

Yeah, you weren't being yourself in that, because I know you have as big a crush on him as I do. Jamie Lee Curnis.

Yes, I love him, but it wasn't He didn't have the same like celebrity energy that he had the day that I saw him at the Arc Light, when he was wearing a girl's headband in weird eyeglasses, where you like you could I felt him coming from one hundred yards away. Because he is a true and legit celebrity in this dream. He was kind of like someone I already knew that was already bugging me. So it's just kind of like, Okay, that's enough, I have to get a bus ticket.

Yeah.

It was like one of those kinds of things. And when I woke up, I was like, God, he loved me.

Was great.

Yeah, and I'm not going to retell any of my American Outlaws, Scorpions, sting Star. I'm not going to tell any of that, but it is my only time seeing him on a day to day basis. But I was an extra. I was never in any of the buildings. I'm just in the background doing mundane task in the heat. So I didn't realize I knew that, you know, like Timothy Dalton and Kathy Bates were the big actors in the movie. But he was just a friendly guy with

I think you.

I think your energy that you gave him and that you took from him propelled him to the top. But you know what, I think that's You've told me that story many times, but I but I'm I'm only saying I love hearing it because I always focus on the scorpion in your mind.

No, I I don't even really bring up.

But Chris did get a scorpion of his boot.

If you're if this is the first episode of this podcast you've ever listened to, please go back to episode one because we always talking.

About that shit and it wasn't even my boot. It bypassed. The boot went up the pant leg and got me on the knee. It was heading towards my janitals. I don't know what it's it's an ultimate plan was but it's very painful. I mean it's yeah, episode too, twelve thirty three, forty to one and six. I've told all the parts about it being nice on set and friendly to everyone. Everyone loved him.

You have told those things.

It just didn't sink in. And maybe it was just like this scorpion focus. I was just like, I got back the scorpion. But I was ripping myself off in that because if you told, if you heard a story that Colin Ferrell is kind of a douchebag, you'd be like, well, yeah, because he's a super hot, famous guy that's been famous since he was eighteen or something like. That's part for the course that just like most people don't handle fame well.

Yeah, he was super sweet. He was wearing boots too. And there was a water tower at the end, so they built this. I've talked about that. I'm so sorry this was so many years ago, but it was the water tower part and there were they they knocked it. They destroyed this whole town like it was a whole city that they built. And in the end they burnt

What is the name of that movie?

It is called American Outlaws. I would have to watch it with you to pause and see that blurry guy in the background. Oh see they cut right before I pull my pants down screaming.

I would, oh, there's an American Outlaws grill?

What in honor of the movie?

I don't hold on a second, because then that when I just Google searched it. Wait, that's Sugar Sugar smacks, bear hold on American Outlaws there.

I mean, it's about the same group as Young Guns. It was like a low budget Young Guns.

Here's the first thing that actually comes up for this movie, because the picture is up there for the two thousand and one film. But sure, the first we might as well mention that the American Outlaws is a nonprofit group dedicated to organized support for the men's, women's and youth US soccer teams.

Oh wow, I wonder why they call themselves outlaws when they're doing something that is not only legal but helpful for the children.

Because it's because they kick. It's too much kicking.

Yeah, they're only outlaws if they use their hands, if if I'm correct about the rules of soccer.

Also, wait, there's a going down further. They're an unofficial supporters group for the United States men's national soccer team and the women's and have been described.

As a raucous group of US supporters by ESPN.

So I thought I was doing a really nice service for it's a nonprofit group.

But they're just fans.

And they and they have their own grill.

Oh yeah, where is the girl?

Maybe I just misread something because now it's all this movie. Oh Scott conn was the co star. Yeah, we've talked about him.

Yeah, that's the guy I wanted to, you know, talk about old times. And he thought I was a real weirdo. He didn't act like calin Ferrell at all. He's like hit the bricks.

Did I just like hallucinate that I'm scrolling a lot and nothing like that is coming up.

Well, we should go sit down. When I'm done with my grueling diet, go to the American Outlaws grill and start our calin Ferrell specific side podcast.

Just to tell you, at the top of every podcast you tell that story of how he helped you try to get a five and under.

You go in with your solid eyebrow material. Yep, I think we got a whole season.

I think it's easy to This would be easy and fun, and then we can talk about it's his eyebrows, your eyebrows. Of course, I have plenty of stories of fucking up my own eyebrows. I mean this is people love shit like this.

They love it. They're loving this right now.

What we're doing this a second, it's perfect podcast.

You're going to get so many messages about this being our best episode yet. It's going to blow your bangs back.

They're going to go baby bang again, and I won't be able to hand.

I've been money to ask a bit. You've said baby bangs a lot. Was there a doll where you could cut the doll's hair and it would grow back, you know, any bangs? Yes, wait and eventually so I imagine the doll itself was filled with hair and it would just you pull it out and then cut it and once the doll runs out of hair, you throw it away.

There was a doll.

I will say this without looking because I started to look it up. And I will tell you this that I remember, like the tactile experience, there was a doll in the seventies where you could make her ponytail long and I don't know how the hair went back in, but I remember.

Pulled the hair out abusively give.

A longer, longer, longer ponytail, and it was like that. You could hear the clicking in the doll's head of the hair coming out and you could make give her shorter long hair.

I'm sorry, but doll if from tilting them back and the eyes closed. It starts with that my fear of dolls. And this has nothing to do with Chucky or Megan, but I'm so scared of my sister and I in our house. I think we finally buried it. There was a doll that would laugh and here's how the laugh went as that's exactly out went Lisa. If you're listening, let me know if I got the song wrong. But it was horrifying. A horrifying, laughing doll that I thought

And I will hear it now and follow up with this was a doll I got for Christmas one year, and it was called like Baby Crawl Away or something. And this was a baby on all fours with and all of its joints were kind of like mechanized, and if you turned it on, it was like a battery thing and then it could crawl and it would like crawl around and I don't know, you're supposed to fucking follow it or like make sure it didn't fall into

Yeah, that's horrifying. That's straight out of Poulter. Guys. At that point when we were horrified by these dolls, there were there was yet to be any doll based other than your the Trinid Trilogy of Terror or whatever that was more of a voodoo sculpture. But yeah, that dolls are horrifying baby dolls and them dolls and then kick it all of a sudden, the battery kicks in in the middle of the night.

And you think you want it, and the only reason you actually want it is because it's the only thing there's a commercial for on your like Saturday Morning cartoons.

It would be like that would be the doll.

So there's one doll that you feed, and then there's you know, your sister's.

Doll was laughing or whatever? Baby alive? Was it? Baby alive?

God, I think that's baby crawl away, Baby alive. Who names? Well, it's a baby, and we want it to be a lot. Baby alive. Let's not think about it anymore. Put it on the shelves.

That's a good name for a girl. Baby alive.

Make sure that it's rigid and you can pinch your skin and its joints when it crawls and your.

Yeah, it was the kind of thing where it was like the first night of going to bed with your new doll and you're just like, well, you're horrible to touch.

So that's bad for a doll. We're starting bad.

Yeah. I don't want to sound like a bad mother, but my baby is smoking. The engine has shorted out. Yeah, there is. I played with a lot of dolls. You know. My sister was older, and that's where the toys in the basement. She included me. I'm you know, I've been open about my not only dollhouse construction, but actual I don't know if I've told you, but I did play a lot with the dolls.

So yeah, you had to if little brothers that Uh, that's the burden and or freedom of a little brother is that you you have to do girls stuff you're forced to be aware of.

I lost it lifestyle.

I'm so glad. Yeah, she included me. I did throw them down the stairs and do boy things, I guess, but you.

Couldn't help it. Let me just let me just show you really quick. When I looked up the first doll we were talking about, which is can you was there a doll that you could cut its hair?

Yes, I know there had to be.

Well, the first thing that came up was mannequin head hair. But this is this was this is to train hairdressers. But look at how hilarious those pictures are.

Holy shit.

Head hair.

It's to you know, safely train hairdressers to have horrid nightmares.

Yeah, here, here, here, do what you can with this man.

Yeah, that's like a month where it's a right there.

Also, as a hairdresser, you have to cut men's beards.

Back in the day. I mean I never ask for it, but I usually get. The only place I grow a beard is the back of my neck. There's an unsolicited you know, they just yet that looks like a police sketch and it's supposed to prepare you for a career.

It also kind of looks like a Christmas wreath at the same time.

Well, I can't believe our best episode ever is coming to a close.

I know that was really we gave it our all and we really What I like about us on this podcast is the preparation. It's the preparation, it's the research. How much we share about our diets, diet tips, fordic.

It is ridiculous, but I had fun. These are for me, the funnest episodes.

Always the funt well because they're the easiest, right, Yeah. But also, you know, listener, if you haven't seen American Outlaw, the two thousand and one film starting.

Yes, yeah, I'm an extra, I'm not I'm not in. I'm not not in my IMDb it fell.

He's the fourth lead, I believe, is what he's referred to.

I was socially one of the leaders of the group of extras and that was upwards to three hundred people in the back of a truck. So that did not make it into the credits though. But it's my first I made some people laugh, and I immediately started doing stand up. Thank you American Outlaws of the film. I'm sorry I used the wrong out house, which was meant for the director of the movie, and I yelled at who was the director? I made flubber.

Oh he did.

Yeah, I never never worked again.

Hold on, I'm getting I got to get back to the film really quick.

It's got fourteen percent on Rotten, Yeah, yeah, fourteen percent.

Yeah. No one during there there wasn't an applause break when they wrapped. There was never like, hey, I think we're making some real good art here, just people. No one made eye contact. It was very solemn. But Colin Farrell was there to make everyone happy because he's a sweet, sweet as cypros. Yes, do you do?

You remember the motto of American.

Outlaws sometimes family, something about family.

Yeah, it's bad as good again.

Oh, for God's sake, that is good again.

And then the picture of the three of these of four of these guys absolutely looks like modern day dudes dressed in old fashioned clothes.

That's my favorite.

Like Colin Ferrell's hair is absolutely from two thousand and one. They didn't even try to make him look western.

All it's wonderful.

Yeah, God, it was a good time. I don't think there was a script either. I think it was all just improvised.

How about this. One of the first video things is.

You found a picture of me, didn't you.

It's it's like the first thing on YouTube is the three of them not wearing shirts, like by a horse trough.

Every day I showed up, they would be shirtless and playing lassoing or practicing twirling the gun around their finger, and always shirtless, and we'd be we'd be driven with there was like a truck, a flatbed truck, all the extras that get locked in there. There was a gate around it. It was a cattle truck, I mean, all the extras, and we had to drive by the stars and they would just be shirtless and kind of wave and judge us from a distance. God, it was humiliating.

Yeah, it was great money.

Yeah, you know added up.

Congratulations, Thank you so much.

I'm so glad we could revisit these stories.

I made you go back to the story.

I've complained very very viciously about you retelling, and I brought it up again.

Thank you on me.

Yes, so note that listeners. I'm sorry, I don't know what I'm saying. I haven't had sugar all day.

You better wrap this thing up.

Yeah, I think I should thank you for thank you and you're well. Thank you, Karen, thank you and thank you. Yes, and you're welcome and you're and you're welcome. They were both welcome. You've been listening. Do you need a ride? D yn her? This has been an exactly Right production.

Produced by Analise Nelson.

Mixed by Edson Choy.

Our talent booker is Patrick Cottner.

Theme song by Karen Kilgarif.

Artwork by Chris Fairbanks.

Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at dinar podcast That's d y Nar Podcast.

For more information, go to exactly Rightmedia dot com. Thank you, Oh You're welcome