S3 - Ep. 51 - Jo Firestone

Are you leaving? I you wanna way back home?

Either way, we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim.

And give us time and a termino.

And Gabe aid, we want to send you off inside.

We wanna welcome you back home. Tell us all about it.

We scared her?

Was it fine?

Now? Porn?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do your need.

With Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need a ride?

This is Chris Fairbanks and this is Karen Kilgarrett.

Hello, my friend Karen.

Hello Chris. Are you pretty good? How's your day?

My day has been great. I died a couple pairs of pants bright red by accident. Oh, I was just experimenting, but you know, so I got a few pairs of red pants.

Wait, so experimenting sounds like you tried something, but so it wasn't You had pink socks with your white jeans.

I had a pair of gray pants, and I had a pair of green pants, and I thought I'd add a little bit of red, just to experiment, and they became both very red pants. So it works very well. Very strong dye.

And what are you envisioning your future plant for two pairs of red pants to be.

Well, I think my future involves having nothing but red pants. I'm just going to be that guy. I'm willing to try anything.

Now, people will think that you're from France or Germany. I just want to warn you that that's very European.

Red pants.

Pants is kinny.

And black and white striped turtlenecks.

Yes, and a little mustache, yeah, cross body bag for men, sandals, Yes, I'm doing all that.

Small round glasses.

Yes, these, I'll start with these. Oh good, that's good podcasting. I'd show my new glasses.

People love visuals on this podcast. We're different than other podcasts because people.

Love the visuals.

Yeah, we usually describe them while driving, but now we describe them while sitting and there's less to describe. But we do not spare you any d tales. They are black frames and the lenses are small, and you should see them. I did a golf tournament, a real one, on Monday. It was at a private, fancy resort.

Where are you rich?

I'm everyone in it was a millionaire like. They all had named tags of a business that I was familiar with, and they were the ones that started that business. I drove into the parking lot and I felt like Beverly Hills cop because everyone scared at my car because it wasn't a brand new all wheel drive Maserati. But they were nice. Everyone was nice, and it was it was very fun. It was for the Heart Foundation. And at the end, I put my money in the pot for

It sounds like you were halfway close to winning twenty five.

Yeah, I didn't win.

I did win the tournament. Our team won.

But congrasts.

But that's that's the trophy, not the twenty five grand. But it doesn't matter because it was for a charity cause and so I did well.

Right.

This is the second golf charity tournament story you've told me on this podcast, which makes me feel like you're slipping into a millionaire's golf underworld that I am uncomfortable.

Everyone, we went into this candlelit room. They had me put on a robe. What we chanted, Yes, this was all part of it. And tiny here to let you know about the inside underground golf world. And I'm still waiting to get picked up.

Just be careful.

Don't be going around being like millionaires are nice, you know, to everybody. You can't just go back to the list feelus golf course and talk like well.

I was trying to be open minded, and I'm glad it was because they all were very sweet to me. It was very a very pleasant time. I'm glad thank you. That was an exciting story. There's a lot of twists and turns.

The part where they made you get on the ground and play what was it? What was the thing from Succession? Piggy on the ground Hog on the ground.

Hog on the stick? I don't know. I can't remember that Succession episode.

Very disturbing.

Yeah, yeah, I thought you were going to tell me something like that. They made you wrestle something, no somebody else.

They just everyone was nice to me and I could have won twenty five thousand dollars, but I didn't. That's all. It's all. I don't need that kind of money. Very excited for our guests today.

Karen, I am too. I'm her number one fan. I think I told her that on Twitter one time.

I was just listening to her album The Hits, and I related to very many of the jokes, and so I'm going to bring up those jokes and it will be very fun for her and for me.

People love that when you quote.

I'm going to tell some of her jokes my version of them back to her, and I think that will be fun.

She plays clubs and colleges all over this contry.

You know her from television shows you know her from her own comedy specials. She has live comedy in New York City, and we know if you can make it there, you can make it anywhere. Ladies and gentlemen, Please welcome to the podcast. Joe Firestone, Thank you so much.

What this is really a nice vibe in here?

Do you like that in this zoom? Yeah?

Yeah, it's really I feel like I'm in California.

Hey, where are you in real life?

Yeah, I'm in Saint Louis where it's like twenty five degrees it's so cold. It's like everybody says high then it's just not. But this is different. This feels different. Yeah, it's good. Are you both in California?

We are?

We are.

Yeah.

It really does feel like you're a California.

Friendship because because we're kind of casual, kind of like Stoner's, You're.

Like casual, but it's warm, there's a warm. It's really it's pleasn't listen. I really I understand. I understand why you have listeners now, and I understand why you're gonna get more listeners every.

Episode after this episode.

After this episode especially, but you know, I think it's gonna be It's really it really makes you feel like, well, these are.

Okay, things are going to be okay.

That's the best review we've ever gotten.

It's really good.

Do you have comedy concerts in Saint Louis?

What is that?

What are are you performing? Are you performing stand up?

I'm sorry about that, that's of course, that's what you're asking. I was doing one show and there was a festival and I did it was one night and I did it. And then I live here, or I grew up here, and so I had to take my dog on an airplane, and so I thought, well, might as well not do that twice in one month, and so I just stayed here until after Thanksgiving. So it's day we're on day four.

Good times yep, day four, Yeah, day four.

They're fourteen.

And so the temple was the temperature like in the twenty fives when you landed?

Oh yeah, yeah, I'm.

Hold ready for that, because.

No, my grandpa told it was eighty. My grandpa told me it was eighty degree. And it's thirty. It was thirty when I got here.

Was he going by Celsias?

That's the only explanation. But even then, it's it's so cold. I don't know what all my sex are just it feels like not wearing sacks. It's so cold, and you experienced this kind of cold recently. It's so bad.

I believe you because you're indoors right now and you seem quite bundled up with a scarf.

Yeah, you're just drafty.

It's a real adjust well because normally you live in New York. Is that crazy?

Yeah, so it's it's not like it doesn't get cold there, but it just hadn't really gotten cold yet. Yeah, so you kind of left more autumnal weather to go into what sound it's like a polar vortex.

It's a polar vortex just nor easter. Something's happen like it was basically like you know that, like you know, when you're sweating on your way to the airport, you can't fathom that wherever you're going is going to be different than sweating. Yes, that's what happened to me.

That's you, That's what.

Happened to me.

I think we need to find out why your grandpa's lying to you.

That's what Yeah, but you get him on this podcast.

Oh my god, where is the can he come on?

Give me? Can he explain himself? Is he a type of person who would want to explain himself or no.

You know, I think he'd stand by whatever he lied to me about. I think he would really double down maybe, But he's managed to go the whole pandemic, not one touch and zoom.

Yeah, he's smarter than all of us, I bet.

Can you imagine it's easier for Grandpa's to do that, to stay away from the zoom?

Yeah, it must be an age thing.

Yeah, I just think about the times I go, uh, because I'm from northern California, when I go up there and I don't prepare correctly, or there's been times and I've gone there and then had to stay way longer than what I packed for and I end up wearing weird clothes of my sisters that she stopped wearing like eight years ago, but doesn't get rid of. She just

Grandpa sweaters?

Oh, Grandpa's Well, I was. I found this sweater in my closet and I was like, well, this is a nice sweater. Why did I leave this here for ten years ago? And then I put it on and I was like, oh, oh, it's like you I have a sweater where you're like, this makes me look like the worst of any human. It's like, yes, I couldn't believe it. It looks like a normal sweater. And then I put

Sure, it's okay, you can say that.

No, that's fine because you're a doctor.

Well I'm an doctor. It just right at the pubists. And I don't even know where that is exactly, but I know that's where those sweater stops. And it's just a fit that nobody's supposed to nobody's supposed to wear sweater to the pubist. It is either blow the pubist, or above the pubists or up there.

Yeah you don't want to hit it, you don't want to put a sweater arrow toward it?

No, no, no, well we're not trying to go bowling.

You might have to while you're there.

Yeah, for real, But that sweater, I gotta gowl you better. I want to find my true love.

I get very excited this time of year because I have quite a collection of sweaters. But I am particular about how they are in the pubis area or just the waist area, the wast, the Diane Wast.

Area there wears a lot of sweaters.

Think of any movie with Diane Weast, what is she wearing.

She loves a long sweater, short hair, straight sweat.

We can have it pillowing right above the waistline, now, can we?

No?

No, no, you're not well.

But I'd rather I mean, can you imagine having long hair and a short twitter.

That's the life.

She made the right decision.

Yeah, I'd rather have short hair in a long sweater, for sure.

I did buy a winter coat that just reminded me when you're saying the wor shape, the worst shape ever where I just wanted a straight winter coat, not double breasted. I just wanted it to have like three buttons down the middle, straight down.

But I'm not straight down.

And that's the thing I always always forget, even though I've basically had the same body since I was twelve, and the shape I took on putting that coat on it.

Was so hilarious bad because.

It was almost like in the front it looked okay, and then when I turned to the side, it just it like billowed out in the worst way.

Or I was just like, what was I thinking?

Is it because you're standing above a Marilyn Monroe air vent.

That's what it is. I put my fan on the floor to try on on my coat.

You gotta be careful where you stop on a sidewalk.

There's just an idea sometimes that I get where I'm like, I'm just gonna cover all this up and that will be the solution, and it isn't the solution. And I love that the young women of today are like, not only am I not going to cover it up, You're going to drink in every inch of my body. Where It's like I just was not raised in that era.

There's I used to live in this, in this neighborhood. There was this store there in the first many seasons, there was this item in the front of the store, and it was the best way I could describe it is queer buttons. Guest buttons, no fabric, the buttons were connected and it was a vest.

What like clear like it was made of plastic, transparent.

Plastic Yeah, like basically like plastic clear coins touched together with metal and it was a vest. And I was like. And then I finally walked by with somebody who was fashionable and I was like, what what are these? What is that? And she's like, you wear that plane? No, you wear that plane? Wow?

So like it's your shirt, your shirt, but that's all you get plane.

I got a sweater vest, my first sweater vest. I saw it and I liked it, and I bought it, and I keep getting reprimanded for wearing a T shirt under it. Apparently in my neighborhood, all all the friends and passerbys unsolicited, We'll say that's a sweat you need to show off your arms with wo like a muscle shirt, and I'm not willing to do that.

Wow.

That style is so specific too.

But I've gotten so much feedback, like what's with the sleeves under there? You got to rock. I don't know why this neighborhood wants to see my arms. They're nothing to write home about.

Would you say over five people have given you that feedback.

I'm I'm going to go ahead and say half a dozen.

Oh my god. Now it's a skateboard brand that is over fun, that is.

Kind of a skateboard style now that preppy but with an edge to it. And so I think having a sweater vest and having no shirt underneath it's a very specific but I'm not kidding a recent skate style. That's where it's coming from. Wow, I'm not getting this kind of feedback from like people outside that world.

But just like Joe's button vest, button coin vest, your sweater vest, I would not like to be experiencing that material on my skins directly.

It's itchy. It's not percent cotton, Like, don't you know this is a polly wool a galvanized Yeah yeah, no in the chest? Dare I say the nipples? I hate scratchy nipple shirts. I'm sorry that I went there, but we already said pupils.

You went, oh you, I really have to get discussed wicked.

They're just a wicked reference.

Oh wow, it's a challenging time of year.

You know. Yeah, but is it like in la is it kind of just like but you're always kind of like do you really ever have to wear a.

Coach Sometimes a window kickup.

Yeah, every once in a while there's a wind that there's a yeah, you're scanning, it's coming from the sidewalk. But I uh, it will get in the forties maybe night cool, And that's the money. That's it's I'm not bragging, It's just I am. I have been cold lately. I do have a space heater blowing on me my face, yah.

Because we're so especially lately, like the last couple of years, it hasn't gotten that cold at all. So this year, all of a sudden, it was like hot, hot, hot, and it wouldn't cool down until look what Chris like end of October and then suddenly it when it drops, you're just like beside yourself, and you don't have any

Yeah, I turned I geater on and somebody it wasn't me, has been putting hair in it. Apparently very much reactive burnt hair like that time. We're we're on vacation in Calfor, im from Montana originally, so one of the trips we went on vacation, my sister was blow drying her hair and there was a giant cricket that had been living in this hair dryer, my great grandmother's hair dryer, and it smelled and burned, and a flaming cricket flew in her hair and did not stop being on fire. It

No?

Well, here that reminds me, and it's not a direct link, but I'm going to share this one anyway. That reminds me of the night I was sitting at the kitchen table typing something up, very focused, really getting some stuff done, and I just had a weird feeling and I looked down on my shoulder and there's it's a praying mantas sitting there staring at me, and.

When I look down like this, his.

Head turned like that, eye contact.

Like turned and we were looking right into each other's eyes. And then I screamed like an absolute lunatic, which I don't think I'm that type of person. I'm not like super skiv you that way. And normally I would be like I think if it was a cricket, I would have been calmer yah, But praying Manta says looked like aliens.

It was very scary, and they always take it as an opportunity to slowly shadow box like they're ready to go, They're ready to throw down.

I think it is like what is kind of disheartening, Like I'm sure you both are you know, doing getting owned to therapy, getting changed, But I think that what is really frustrating is that like even you can go to therapy for years and then those moments happen, you're gonna scream everything. Like every time something happens that I'm afraid of, I go like this and I don't even try, but it just happens every time I mind how much I go.

Whoaa, You can't control just your plain old human reaction, though, but I.

Wish I could. I wish I could change it for the whole world, because it's not it's not appropriate at all.

That's way better than screaming a low whoa whoa woe. It sounds very calm.

Can you tell us a whoa whoa woe story that's happened recently, Like.

My dog will get attacked. I go whoa, whoa whoa. I got mugged once. I go whoa, whoa whoa, Like you just really can't do anything else. And I think that if I could change one thing, I mean, you know the list, you know, you go into therapy with the whole list, say change these, but that would be at the top.

You can the list of the therapist. Change these? Please within three years?

Do it? You don't check it out?

Well, there's just so much to cover with a therapist, and you could be with the same one for years, and praying mantis has never come up.

Yeah, one time I was in an Airbnb and I heard scratching. I heard scratching up above. Whooped up? Saw a little Paul come out? What little pap come out?

Did the paw have kind of fingers? Because that's a raccoon finger. That was a raccoon paw, was it?

I don't know. I never saw the rest of the body.

Because you're too busy saying whoa, whoa, wohoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa whoa paw fingers.

That's the only one with fingers. Are you sure?

I if you really? And Karen and I talked about raccoons and what I'm going to go ahead and just call hands way too often on this podcast. We're both yeah the way, there's a famous one. I'm sure you've seen it, Joe. It's a it's a raccoon scooping up a bunch of cat food and running away on its hind legs. It might as well have been wearing a tracksuit. It's the cutest thing ever. But they're unpredictable. They'll jump right in your face. I've learned from a handful of

What was your raccoon? Paul reaching down for.

Yeah, I think he just was kind of like, I'm up here. I just kind of tricky thing. What I'll tell you that tell you this is that I was you know, I was saying, oh, you got to get this thing out of here, right, And so they moved me out forbid, and then I came back. When I came back, there was a pair of underpants.

No ground, Please tell me it was the raccoons underpant.

Little tiny guys.

Oh god, that'd be great. And I'm afraid they were human.

They were a beautiful woman's underpants.

Oh no, like they fell out of the guy's pocket. I'm just dancing. But I'm afraid that's what happened.

I mean, it's hard to know what happened. But you know, when you see a pair of underpants, you think, oh, a beautiful woman.

Worthy some gorgeous polyester, maybe like pink polyester.

It's just beautiful. I do believe it added like kind of a leopard thing. Oh, but you know, just beautiful.

I hate talking visuals, but right I'm currently wearing leopard underpants and leopard pants both. Yeah, it's just funny that you mentioned that. Did I tell you, Karen, about the time that I was doing a corporate.

Sorry, yeah, here we go.

They're green. Wow, and then my underpant.

Oh, oh my goodness.

He really is the listener. He really is. A lot of people think.

I'd tell tales out at school or then I'm one of these liars. But I'm telling you, I'm wearing two liars. A leopard. Yeah.

A lot of people, a lot of millionaires.

Yeah.

It was just running into these fact checkers, and I always have to show them my underpants. I was doing a corporate show for some home mortgage company years ago. It was before, it was around two thousand and seven. I think I caused the financial crisis.

That was you.

That was me. It wasn't Fanny May and Ralphie May, Fanny Mac. I don't you know what I'm saying this. They asked me at this private comedy show to do an impression of their boss. So they brought a gray wig and a long trench coat, and I was like, well, I haven't even talked to him. Just be have a low voice, like you smoke a lot of cigars and be really confident and just say fire some people or something,

Certainly did not ruin that marriage.

You were merely already on the rocks.

He ruined his own mind.

He wanted to get caught, but then had this jacket. It wasn't the jacket he was wearing. He didn't know this. He wasn't like, oh, we be funny. I never got a clear story as to what happened. I just know he and his wife were not there at the end of the show. That just I don't think I've ever told you that one, Karen, No, I've never heard. I usually like a broken record with my stories goo, and that one is a fresh, never.

Before fresh hot goss but from years ago, but still fresh.

Yeah, yes, fresh in my mind. I've suppressed it until now.

Because when you said you reached into the pocket, hmm, Joe. I don't know if you did this, but my comedy brain went through the rolodex of the possibilities, and I was hoping, maybe a little bag of cocaine something fun for Christmas? Yeah, like you go, oh, you shouldn't have that. But also, at the same time, if you're some sort of running a company, maybe.

That's I could have been clever and said let it snow, am I right? You know, like, oh that's so clever.

Yeah? Yeah, what would you say, Okay, let's just kind of go for this. What would you say, he's had a big bag of pot in there.

We all know the Christmas colors are are red and green, but this green is gonna send you to jail. You can't buy anything with it. And then they'd start to boo, will you really put me on the spot there, Joe?

No, I think you did the perfect. No, you did perfect.

You had to throw this is improv you had to throw something out. I know I would have said. I would have held it up and said what's up, cheech and chong.

See that's way better. It's relatable.

But I had it literally half a minute more than you did.

Yeah.

I got to sit there and think while you were talking.

You should have yelled freeze and tapped my shoulder and taken over Joe.

What would your what would you are? Off the cuff remark have been about the bag of weeds.

There's a handgun. Now I'm going to mix it up and changing.

Oh oh it's a hand gun, yeah.

A little tiny gold gun.

Oh gold gun. Yeah, okay, maybe something kind of about Men in Black.

Yeah.

Oh, let's say somebody's about to shoot alien. Well I think I did too quick. Yeah, a pretty quick reference right at the tip of everybody's tongue.

And topical or it'spicultural.

Yeah, people are always watching that movie. When's the lesson? You watched Men in Black? In full?

I can tell you actually, because it's the first time I watched it. Was the most recent time I watched it, so whenever. That was nineteen twenty, the year two thousand. But me and my sister and the guy was dating at the time. We're all at the movie theater together and the guy was kind of super low key, and my sister and I are like me, and I'm like her and she's like me. And when that part where the pug starts talking in the real deep voice, you know that part, and he's also he sings the song.

He raps the song.

My sister starts laughing so loud and so hard and she can't stop, like she it like just kind of tickled her funny bone perfectly, and she was laughing so hard that everyone else started laughing, and people weren't liking it that much, but she was like, and she if I bring it up to her, she starts laughing just as hard today twenty years later, because she's like, you're.

Telling me that little dog didn't make me us.

She still to this day thinks it's the funniest thing she's ever seen.

Wow, yeah, you can really change. Everyone always wants me to see The Matrix and everyone loves that movie. And I was the only one that didn't because I saw that in the theater and there was a deaf person in the audience, so they had captions at the bottom, but they were coming up a little soon, so it would say, like, I think one of Keanu's lines and it is oki dokie, And so it said oki doki at the bottom for a long time, and then when he finally said it, everyone laughed like it was we

It is amazing, though, I think, like, it's so much easier. I find it's like so much easier to watch comedy movies and comedy TV with a group. Like by myself, I find myself feeling like I should be in jail, Like I'm watching it and I'm like, and I enjoy it, and this is my face like straight line across the mount, and I just I can't seem to It's just so much easier to laugh around other people.

Yeah, it's there. You feel insane if you're by yourself laughing in a room alone, no other people nearby. It seems like that's what someone rocking back and forth in a padded room. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm with you on that.

That. I just once, every couple of years, I'll watch Beet and like, I'll kind of forget it, but then the same joke makes me laugh for like ten minutes. But it's just this one joke. I think it's in season three, and it really gets me every time. I always forget it's coming and then I remember, Oh, it's coming in and I We had a good ten minute.

Laugh at which one is it? Just say it?

Well? She says she's trying to make small talk and her uh like Gary's kind of abandoned her and she's really desperately trying to make small talk. And she's like, someone says their name and she goes and I forget what the name is, but she goes, Oh, I wish I had a cousin with that name. Is that's the worst small tu That's the worst.

That's I like jokes like that where when you hear it, the first thing that popped in my mind is whoever wrote that joke actually said that one time? Right, They're just like when you're going around a room like that, of like, what's the dumbest thing we could say here? And then everyone just starts saying the dumbest thing or the most embarrassing thing that.

Held for years afterwards. Like one time in junior high, I said.

This, Yeah, that was that was a day in the writing room where they all told embarrassing stories. And they probably had fun at their little table.

I wish I had a guessin with that mad.

A really special one that Yeah, but it just you do you both laugh at comedy?

I do, I do, And I found I was paying attention to it more when we were all in quarantine and I was just said, I was monitoring my behavior pretty closely because I was really afraid I was going to go crazy. But I have to say I kind of enjoyed myself, and that included laughing out loud at a lot of things.

Wow, yeah, wonderful.

I laughed very The hardest I laughed was at that moment in Shit's Creek where the mom makes up that story about a biker that cut off all her daughter's hair because she's trying to scare off this guy that was going to give the hotel a bad review. And the story she comes up with all off the top of her head is. I watched it over and over and over, and I kept laughing at Catherine O'Hara's made

Mine was if I may mine was please Arrested Development, because I've rewatched Arrested Development in the past three years. I think I've watched it eight times, and like the last time I went to start it again, I was like you, I think, I said out loud, like you, you've lost your mind. This is too many times. But it isn't too many times, because I think a lot like Veep, where they have such subtle jokes and so many jokes that you miss them entirely, like the first

For so long.

And then a little while later George Michael opens a different cupboard and he's like, he's just it's just his action while he's saying something else, and he reaches up. When he opens the cupboard, there's one nature velly granola bar sitting on a shelf and nothing else in the entire thing, and he just takes it down like that's his snack.

It's so hilariously perfect.

That makes me think that was something where again, someone hid that up there and it wasn't. They didn't know what was going to be there. That was another fun day in the writing room. God, I gotta get in one of these writing rooms.

I mean, we can't actually be talking about hilarious television shows though, Joe without talking about Joe Para talks with you.

I knew it.

Oh wow, what a transition I was looking for kind of pro we're both very pro.

Oh my god, it's just such a good show.

I mean, tell us about everything about it that you feel and think.

Please, Well, uh, they gave my dad his television debut.

I love that amazing. M h wait what episode was the end?

Was it the He's in the grocery Store episode He's plays Fred the sample guy he gives honey the honey ham that takes the honey amazing, and he got to fly in season three, so he he had a pretty good time all in all.

So good And so you were on it and you wrote on it, right.

Yeah, but it was kind of like I think at the time we were all like some of us had had like a like a couple of years of late night experience, but that was about it. Like the that was like the I think we had a combined maybe two years of television making that we had all together too, Yes, and so everybody we were all like, I can't believe it even got made because it was like we were just like a bunch of monkeys and typewriters like we were.

I want to assume and I do assume he's probably one hundred percent the person he is on that show in real life.

Yeah, I think he's like, you know, he's like a city you know, like he like, you know, he's like I think maybe he does grow tomatoes, but he's Yeah, i'd say he's a little you know, he's a he's a dirty comedian, just like the.

Okay, that's even better.

Yeah, but I don't I don't know. He might go to church.

Hard to say, but yeah, he's just for the friendships he's built there.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, his friend group is through the church. But I don't know if he.

Has no Yeah, it's to counterbalance the people he spends time with it at comedy shows. He has to the first time I ever met him was at a comedy show at Ron Lynch's Midnight show.

Oh, that's a great shows.

It's the best. I miss it.

It's I think it is. Actually I think he might be doing it at the Allegion.

Yeah, if I'm not mistaken, it's a great show.

But Joe was in town and he was doing a set. Now, I grew up on a street called Eucalyptus Avenue and it was way out in the country. Out it was like five miles out of town. And also it had an eucalyptus grove on it, so between our house and my aunt Jean's house was our next door neighbor, but they lived like half a mile away. We'd walk up the road and because of the eucalyptus grove, all the acorns would fall or whatever and there would be little caps on the ground and you would pick them up

Make a whistle out of an acorn cap.

And I'm standing on the side just there to watch him, and I fucking started crying. It was it was I was like, whatever, whoever this guy is, whatever the fuck he is doing, I am so one hundred percent into it. And he literally taught everybody how to use an acorn cap to whistle and then left the stage. No one knew what the fuck was going on. They couldn't figure out if it was a character. They didn't know what and I was just like, yes, I'm here for this.

It made me so.

Fucking happy, and it was so wholesome and so sweet and also kind of that thing of like when people do stuff like that for me in laced into comedy shows where everybody's trying to be a bigger, tough guy, a cool girl, whatever, everybody's trying to be edgy or whatever thing they do, when it's run through with people who actually are just kind of showing up as themselves and like I have an idea, it's like, oh, this is what I got into it for.

This is like I don't know.

It made me so happy, and then like basically everything I've seen him do after that, I'm just like, that's fucking acorn cap. Now he's on TV. But actually it did not seem like a TV show that people who didn't know how to make TV made, because there's some episodes of that when he babiesits that little fucking girl and they do fireworks. It's the most beautiful episode of television I've seen. Like there's so much good shit in that show.

It's so good.

It's like everybody had to learn really quick, and I, yeah, it's a I think that given what we what we knew beforehand, Yeah, I think it'll turned out better than we it should have. But it was it was definitely like a big learning curve. It was like also, the acting was just like kind of more than a lot of us had ever done. It's like we were used to doing like web series and stuff. So it's like you're like, oh, I gotta stay here forever. I used to snacks. You're like, do I get to eat all

The next take on camera.

Yeah, yeah, and your character didn't really go to eat.

Cheetos, So that's a continuity issue.

There's a continuity issue that's pretty pretty bright, and so.

You wipe them off on the back of your of your chinos and then there's that problem.

Yeah, then you got orange. You know, it's just kind of where's the orange gonna go?

It's tricky, you know, and you try and suck it off your fingers and it just turns to cement orange cement.

M h.

That's right.

Have you figured out how to eat cheetos in a way that's okay to do in front of other people?

If you don't mind me going first. I get a paper towel and I put them in the paper towel in my cupped hand and I just kind of scoop them in with a paper.

Towel hand with the mouth like you're a horse, like a horse.

Like I'm feeding myself, but myself is a horse, and I instead of hoofs, i've hands. It works great.

Yeah, that's better.

Yeah, that's what I do.

Yeah, and you did it in front of other people.

I know. I think for me, and I think they should be for everyone. And cheeto consumption is a private matter.

M m.

It should be dealt with without others. But you end up at a party and it's always in a bowl, and then I want to hug people.

Well, here's the thing. When they're in a bowl at a party, there's too much moisture in the air. And so if you think you're going to enjoy one that you pull out of a public bowl your high as a kite, which actually might help. But for me, if I were to do that, I would only eat one and I'd be like amazing, and I pretend that's all I wanted, when in fact I had just started that sodium like harrow and hit where then you just want

I would go straight out of the bag.

And for some reason, because of the way that Cheetos are shaped, because.

I only like the crunchy ones.

Yes, well you're normal, right, Okay, thank you.

I think the puffed ones are weird, Yeah, too artificial.

I hold them and then I hold my other three fingers up like a like a fine British lady. So I kind of eat them like that, like hmmm, dainty, but like a dainty pig.

I hold mine like a little club because every Cheeto reminds me of Captain Caveman's little club.

And so you hold it with your whole fist.

Yeah, and I go Captain cave And then I throw it into my mouth like I'm striking my face. Yes, that's a private. Well why are these parties you go to all wet in the air? Is it because of the dancing and kissing?

Yep, yep, they're dirty dancing parties where everybody re enacts.

High octane makeout parties.

That's awesome.

Yeah, you got to come and go to the parties.

You've got a common party with Joe. How do you eat Cheetos?

You know, here's what I found that I the last two times I've seen them in public, I have eaten them, and then I, no matter what, something is wrong with my hands because it just it's almost like none of the cheese remains on the chip into my body. It's it's all on the hand. And so then I kind of wonder if there's a way to get it off, And sometimes I think, well, maybe there's a way to get it off, just if I go like this enough,

Yeah you could. You could rub your tips together and roll off the tiny little cheese worms. That's right, tiny little cheese worms. I'm sorry, that's I'm so sorry.

I was at a loss for words, but it is rubbing your tips together to get off the little cheese worms. That was the expression I was looking for, desperately.

Searching for that express, that very well known expression.

Rubbing your tips together to get off the little cheese worm.

Ridiculous.

Is there anything that you be in Saint Louis that you're excited because it's funny. My friend just came back from Saint Louis and he made me and my other friend Saint Louis style pizza and he brought back the pizza crusts, the sauce, and he bought that special cheese.

You know, don't you think of it? Provail? What do you think of it?

I thought it was really good.

It was almost like having an appetizer for dinner, which I'm always down for anything that changes it up like that in such a fantastic way.

But I really loved it.

And he actually bought it there, packed it with ice packs and brought it home to us.

I know, Yeah, Saint Louis is like really, I'd say the biggest, the proudest part of Saint Louis is the heavy ash.

Really are there other ones?

Oh? Yeah, there's a deep friedli they call toasted gravid at.

The at the Helium there. Yeah, you had it.

The toast, that's a very good one. And there's this thing called Joey butter cake and then kind of like.

My friend brought us that. It's on. I have half in my kitchen right now.

Well, take a good friend.

I know Zachny Towers.

He's as I was on the same festival as him.

Oh was it in Saint Louis.

Yeah, and he he's from Saint Louis too, I just learned.

Yeah, that's the friends. He's the funniest.

Yeah, he's great.

Yeah.

Last time I sent Saint Louis, I hung out with the guy from Perfect Strangers. That was not belky.

How did that happen?

He's from there, and I hung out with his friends and I think someone put something in my drink. It wasn't him, but I don't remember most of the night, and I took many ubers to different parts of town. It was a learning experience, but again rich, very wealthy financiers, and I trust I told you. Until then I had to follow the paper trail and see what I had done that night.

Oh, be careful.

Yeah, but I love him. I love the city. I had a great time. I really enjoyed it.

Wow.

Other than being.

Drugged, there's well yeah, other than that that, it does have so much to offer.

Yeah, and maybe I was offered those things, but I was so out of it, I don't recall much.

Yeah, there's this, uh, there's a great grocery store called Schnooks. That's the big one. Listen, there's a lot going on Lewis, for sure. You know, there's there's just so much at all times.

You could go in the elevator and the top of that arch, yes, you can't. It's like a walk of Vader. It goes sideways at one point, right.

Yeah, Mike Rain works there, and she told me that she can't drink coffee when she works at the top of it because there's no bathroom.

Oh wow.

So once you're up, only four people can go up at a time, and only four people can go down at a time.

Wow. It's like a smoke jumpers lookout station.

And so you can't go to the bathroom. There's no bathroom.

Wow, there's no way I could do that.

Does that arch ever get struck by lightning?

Not that I know, but they thought, you know, big did you see They didn't think those are two arches were going.

To meet in the middle when they built it.

Yeah, they built up the sides on both sides, and they nobody thought I was going to meet.

Really, they didn't have a plan.

You know. I think that maybe just a lot of people doubted.

A lot of negativity.

They say, show me, show me it's gonna Is that.

What they mean by that?

Yeah, show me that arch is actually going.

To Yeah, let me see for my shoe. Yeah. And did you have fun at that festival?

Oh? Yeah, who's got a little doggy? I got a little doggy here?

I'm so sorry. I put my dogs want to be in here with me when I record, but they are too noisy. And then I put them outside and they stay good for like thirty five minutes. And then my dog, Frank, he just can't take it anymore. He has to punish me for leaving him out.

Yeah, my dog punishes me when I take a shower, screaming. He started screaming.

What kind of dog do you have?

It's like a Yorky in Honey, I blew up the kid, big, huge, huge Yorky, too.

Big, a gigantic Yorky.

Yeah. About eighteen pounds.

Do yor kids have like Wilford Brimley mustaches.

Someone just recently said that, like he kind of looks like really hot possum.

Oh okay, yeah, I'm not familiar with the hot possum breed.

Yeah, like a sexy possum.

Oh a sexy sensual possum. Let's get a leopard sweater for this hot possum.

That is That is an expression. I was also looking for you.

Yeah, I have a way. I have away with it. Yeah, I see the gap and I fell it in with the right information. I wanted to talk to you about in New York, and I worry about them during the wintertime. Do you have these little cute delivery robots. No, they are in like Beverly Hills here and Hollywood, these cute little robots on four wheels. It's a little box and it reminds me of Wally. And they're really cute and

I don't think they're in New York yet.

Well, they're just slowly. Are you seeing them, Karen?

I have seen people post pictures of them who live in I think Hollywood, like more Central. I've never seen them in person.

I don't know why I like them so much. It's not what I expected, but I really want to dress them up. I worry about them being vandalized in a way that I'm like, would stand up for this.

Just because we were talking about having dogs and you were like, this is the closest thing I can see.

Yeah, it's the closest thing I have to a pet. Is I have access if I drive to the right neighborhood on these little robots that I've built a little friendships with, and I think it's mutual. If I saw some a group of near Dowell's hitting one with a baseball bat. I think I would intervene and say leave it alone. You know. Oh, I really worry about them. This sounds crazy, but I really like delivery robots. I think they're just cute.

Well, you're made for the future where you empathize with machines. I mean, that's you're gonna do great.

Yeah, I cry at the end of Terminator three, they can develop emotions.

He goes down into that. Yeah, it's really sad.

Yeah.

Can I say something kind of controversial? Yeah?

Please, that's the reason we do this.

Okay. So I saw a Terminator recently, the first one. Yeah, and I thought the only good scene was when those two ladies were getting ready her roommates. Yeah, and then he goes and kills her, and that's didn't done and there's nothing else like that. That was the best part of that whole movie.

I don't even remember this.

He killed some innocent Sarah Connor's roommates.

They're putting makeup on in front of the mirror, having a good time laughing. He comes in and blows her up. Done.

Yep, yeah, oh I don't Why don't I remember that. I blocked it out.

I guess it's when he first starts to go find her. I have to say this is a controversial opinion verse of yours Joe, because I find the love story in that movie that is such a classic eighties boy action movie. But the love story between Sarah Connor and her future babies, yes, John Connor, John Connor is so romantic, like because they're just trying to survive.

Yeah no, didn't do it.

Yeah no, I see that. I think it does. I see what you're saying. I think that's another highlight of the movie. I would say, i'd say the worst part.

I don't. I remember on VHS watching their love scene repeatedly, but I don't think it was coming from the heart. I think I was just a young boy and it's the closest we had to adult film. But it wasn't important to me. They're really ship.

Well, I think you should give that little scene of them getting ready to rewatch.

It's really awful.

That sounds like true, like you you feel like they really are friends.

That sounds great scene from RoboCop, but much more violent. That's that's a disturbing movie.

It is. I never seen that one.

It's very don't bother you'll will it'll put you in a dark place.

Oh, No, I don't need that.

Not in the twenty degrees.

No, I had this uplifting conversation, I can't go back.

Down, don't go don't go back Joe.

Two of the stories from your stand up or jokes that had stories involved that I liked the most. I related very much to having a comedy haircut because I had one after quarantine, and that comedian was carrot top. I had long, carrot, choppy hair and I had to deal with that, and I said goodbye to it because I was confronted by the fact I had comedy specific hair.

He did it because he wanted the weekends free.

Yeah, what do you think was the reasoning behind that?

Yeah? Probably it's a lot of fifth grader on the weekend.

That's awful.

It's really tough, you know, to think about just that Monday through Friday down.

Yeah. I had a little sixth grade girlfriend. She was so cute and I liked her, and she would she broke up with me ten times because I was too scared to try and kiss her, and all of her friends would gather around and they'd heckle us. It was very traumatic. Yeah, anyway, I related to your comedy.

You kind of piggybacked on Joe's tragedy with your own tragedy.

I do do that. I do do that.

I thought that was really love. I loved it. You know, someone else is getting dumped. That's the best thing you can think of when you get dumped, to hear someone else got dumped. That's the only thing you want to hear.

True, And how did he just called you up? And what did he say?

You dun't? I mean it was really kind of a classic economy of words.

Get dump.

I imagine him on the phone, the hand that wasn't holding the phone was doing something like this with his thumb, You're dumped, and he was emotioning.

I kind of imagined an index finger pointing down you dumb.

That is that is more of a burn.

Yeah, yeah, it's really brutal. I mean, worst case scenario is called the milky way. Take a big bite after, you know, really brutal. I don't know if you feel this way. But I'm always every time. I like, every time I do something, I'm like, wow, this is cool, look at look at this, people check it out, and then afterwards it's like a few years later, I'm just horrified that it's even out in the world. That's so horrified. And then you said that you listened to it, and

Oh what happens? Absolutely?

Yeah, every time I do comedy for a living and I'm petrified that people are licening to it when I'm not around.

When I put out a comedy album, I had to pretend it didn't exist for like five years, but because I was like, how did I even do that? How did I get that done? And then just I was just like, I don't want to hear about it. If you have anything to say about it, that's your business, Like wow, the real shame avoidance issue.

But things change when those big fat checks start rolling in.

Yeah, man, oh god, it was really can I just say for this that particular.

Album, So I hadn't gotten any money from it, and I was like, well, what the hell's going on here, and you know, I'm getting real confident, you know what I mean, because it's been a few years and I forgot it existed. And then I thought, oh, well maybe that's an income source. And so then you know, I get all fired up. Yeah this is interesting. I haven't seen one pretty since. I was so self righteous. And then they were like, oh, well, you still haven't made

What's the name of that album, Joe?

I couldn't possibly or the one that you have, you know what we could if you don't want to mention albums. Hear about the game that you invented, the card game. I think it's amazing that you're inventing. You're an inventor of games.

So this game it's called Fruits, Yeah, and it's like basically, what you're trying to do is it's kind of a game of strategy and change. But basically what you're trying to do is get bunches of three of the same fruit, and there's like apples and bananas and grapes. But then what happens. You can some people can sport your efforts by putting mice or locusts on really on, but you can, you know, you can double your points with a pie, kind of like jin Rummy meets Uno meets.

So this is basically is like from eight to eighty anyone can play this game.

That is indeed true the truth. Yeah, yeah, my ninety five year old grandpa just learned it. They learned it, so so over eighty.

For fruits And is this available anywhere on the web site?

Where can we get.

Oh, it's available anywhere you can find it. But it's you know, I think that it's It was like we had like a little release party and like thirty people were playing this game, thirty adults and I gave it. They were eating blopops And just see a group of adults eating bluepops playing colorful card game. It's really next to you think, what's gone what's gone on here? You know, it's really it's a very interesting picture. It's a very it's a wholesome Yeah.

I think that sounds wholesome.

Because have you played Apples to Apples, which is not I love that game. We had a game not going through quarantine with the same kind of five or six people, and we usually ended up playing because there was lots of choices, obviously, but we would end up playing Apples to Apples because it was kind of funny and easy and kind of low key. And it sounds to me like Fruits is very similar in that way.

I tried. I did it with this digestion nap. We tried to make the game you could play in the hospital.

Just to get you back on your feet.

Yeah, kind of like you know, it's like you want to play something in the hospital that's not like something that you could focus on a little bit but not have to focus on too much. Yes, the hospital game.

Yeah, perfect. It'll just put a little spring in your step.

It'll put a little fluid in your ivy bag.

Hopefully if you're going to the hospital, grab your Fruits.

I don't know how long you'll be there.

Yeah, But can I just ask one thing please about what this podcast was like before COVID.

Yeah, who drives Karen. Karen is much better at talking and driving I but you combine them and I am everyone's life is in danger or I'm driving well and I'm not even listening to anyone talk. So we we learned very quickly that Karen's the better multitasker.

And then do you sit in the front seat? We do.

We don't look at each other. It's profile, the profile I rarely glance over. It wasn't until we start doing Zoom that I started to look at Karen's face.

I've never seen Chris's right eye until.

Yeah. She thought I was this weird cyclops for so.

Long, but I accepted him, and I think that's why it worked. Yeah, we can't wait to get back in the car. So everybody that does the Zoom version of the podcast gets to automatically get rebooked for when we're real.

So if you're in town doing your comedy concerts as you like to call them, you I demand you call them. We can take you to your show. And occasionally we still do airport pickups at burbankcon.

Burbank burbancone laxis to yes, okay fighting l Yeah became too violent.

Okay, Well, I wouldn't want to get into violence right away.

Not right away.

I'll go to Burbank, don't.

Pro Okay, yeah, just pay a few hundred dollars more on your flight for the purposes of being in our podcast and we will love you for it.

Thank you so much, Thank.

You so much. You're a You're a delight uh to speak with.

You're hilarious.

Yeah, you both are so funny and I really am so I was so honored to be asked to be honest. It's this is such a dream. Thanks for having me.

Well, thanks, it's nice you to say you've been listening to Do you need a ride? D U I n A are? This has been an exactly right production.

Produced by Analise Nelson, mixed by Edson Troy.

Our talent booker is Patrick Kottner.

Theme song by Karen Kilgarrett.

Artwork by Chris Fairbanks.

Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at dinar podcast That's d y Nar Podcast.

For more information, go to exactly rightmedia dot com.

Thank you, Oh You're welcome.