I leave in I you wanna way back home? Either way, we want to be there. Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a termino and gage aid. We want to send you off in style. We wanna welcome you back home. Tell us all about every scared he was?
It fine?
Now porn.
Do you need to ride?
Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do your need to ride?
Ride with Karen and Chris? Welcome to Do you need to ride? This is Chris Fairbanks and this.
Is Karen Kilgariff.
Hello Karen, Hello Chris.
Listener, you need to know the reason the vibe is off on this episode from beginning, Yeah, or on maybe maybe the ViBe's on. Chris Fairbanks has shorn his mustache of maybe three years, five years.
Yeah, and I it does my upper lip look thin and strange like a fish.
It looks lonely and like it's in the snow.
Yeah. The mustache did kind of bring a friendship between my chin and eyes that it feels like I just look like a divorced dad. Now, yeah, yeah, it'll get I have to I had to do it.
It's just every once in a while. I uh, you gotta start over again, that's.
Right, start fresh. Also, you did it for Halloween, right for ye Yeah?
Yeah, I can't be a mustache elvis on a toilet. Also in real life, the mustaches are gross if you really think about it. The trace amounts of food, there's probably bacteria. One time in college, there's this guy that I was friends with, even though he had dreadlocks, a white guy with dreadlocks, and he put egg whites and things in them. Bucks fell out of his dreadlocks and into his food and he got a stomach virus. Now, why could that not happen on a smaller scale with a mustache.
It absolutely happens every day.
But I think that your immune system and any man with a mustache or woman, you're eating it just enough bacteria that you're becoming stronger and stronger.
No one can kill you.
I yeah, I believe in that wholeheartedly.
I had.
I had perfect attendance in elementary school, and I do believe it's because I played in a sandbox that was riddled with cat poop and I never got sick once.
All these brags, what you're just adding in brags?
But yeah, but they're disgusting. So is it really a brag if it makes me gross?
I don't know. Man, cool friend with dreadlocks. I'm just throwing that in there.
We need to introduce our guests. I tell him we.
Didn't Sorry, was I not supposed to talk? No?
No, we we do the We did a bad job of prepping you.
That is on us.
Do it you. You are hearing the voice now of our our very good friend. He does clubs and colleges across the country. He's a hilarious comedian. Put your ears together for Matt Bronker.
Everybody, thank you, thank you, Chris. Hi.
Now we understand what's happening.
Yeah, sorry, now we get it.
That's that's we usually were, Like Matt, before we get started, Karen and I usually talk two to three minutes time. That's a little shite. No, that's a speech we're supposed to give you.
I just assume you.
I gotcha, I got you. Don't don't don't. Don't feel bad, guys, It's okay.
I do.
I feel terrible also because I think I was thinking about the last time you were in the car with us, and in my mind that was recently, and no, joke.
It was probably eight years ago, so.
So long ago.
It was so long ago, yes, because I was like, oh, he remembers.
Yeah.
And then also the car setup is completely different than the zoom set up. Nothing about that track.
And I feel like, after all we've been through, it feels twice as long as it actually was. Where it's like, you know, I feel like Karen, you and I are like just these on like a ghastly level of elderly for some reason in a movie and we're in at a rondeck chairs and we're sitting there and we have our our dram mount ra medically allowed of alcohol or marijuana or whatever, just sitting there and and there's a
nurse that's watching us. And one of us looks, the other one goes and just goes remember us then, and we and we laugh like our skeletal bodies or shit, And no one knows why we're laughing. That's out. After all we've been through. It just feels like And Chris, you're the same, You're it's the three of us. It's like Cocoon before you, before you found the people a cocoon were like in their forties or whatever. They were so depressing.
I'm in the background, swimming in the pool getting that sweet, sweet alien energy.
Yeah, you're like the Danimici. You're like the incredibly fit old guy. You're like the guy it's who's Who's you know, just annoyingly ripped. You know, you're the Curt.
Danamiti.
He did have the best breakdance moves in that hilarious scene where they just start break dancing. That is that is a no, you're right when you first find out Wilford Brimley was just fifty two in that and then.
They show you a picture, Yeah, he was just fifty two.
And then they show a picture of Tom Cruise at fifty two hanging out of an airplane.
It's just two different styles of humans.
I was reading because remembering when I read Something Wicked This Way comes the Red Red Bradbury novel about the you know, traveling Devil circus and the father's guilt that the that the evil forces play on is that he had a son at forty Like, it's just what if I don't like, he can't chase him and ship because the kid's like twelve now, and you know, so he's
about to die. You know. He's written in like the sixties or something, and like, I'm just howling remembering that because I had my kid at forty six, Like ooks, Oh well, yeah, I'm utterly.
Screwed when that devil Carnival comes. Oh you not be able to handle.
Oh the guilt that they'll they'll get out of me, for sure.
Your papery skinned arm reaching toward How is child Matt.
She's great. She's very very very strong and powerful.
Uh physically.
She was playing with uh John Roy's son, Griffin, and she she tackled him. She tackled him like if, Like if.
Ronnie Lott was like like was in love with you and and we were barbecuing, and Rose just like grabs him and does the whole the textbook hold and use your body weight to just make them fall back and just just didn't mean to be just bop and Griffin's crying, and like even now anytime I bring her out there, she's like if and if and I sawry like she says it to like no one, and it's the sweetest thing.
But it's just like, honey, she didn't realize, Yeah, didn't know, she didn't know she was.
Trying to hug him.
Yeah, and then she fully un lenned him from my men.
Also, she's so little that she actually had never experienced falling backwards and getting hurt by it.
Like she was like, this will be fun. It's like being in bed. It's like that's how young.
She Oh, yeah, I didn't feel anything, but yeah, because Griffin absorbed all of the weight and laying on his back on the pavement.
Well, have you done this thing that all all dads have to do at some point with their toddler.
It's the trust fall where you stand behind them and then at the last minute you run away.
And is that just my childhood?
You scream that's life and just loud.
And you're gonna get words. Wait till you have to pay taxes.
You scream that's life and you loudly open a beer. So that just goes with their their trauma and their memories.
It's making me think about when I was little and we would do stuff and get hurt and my dad's response was like it was it was basically you'd get yelled at for getting hurt.
Where it's just like what the hell are you doing?
See I told you he slowed out and it's like no, I'm crying and like there's a big gash on my arm.
But like it's basically like, learn your lesson.
It's so nice that parenting has evolved in the in the last fifty years, so it's not so fucking intense for children.
I will say. They always say you can't react with how you really feel, which is oh my god, oh my god, you know, don't. Then they're just like, holy shit, it's worse than I thought.
You have to.
Then they cry you have to be like, well, whoa that happened?
Hey, you know, pick them up and kind of move around.
So kind of you know, but i's your weird hack.
I certainly wouldn't be like, oh, what the fuck road.
You wouldn't go with the Jim kill Garff style, Okay, I mean it's your choice, it's.
A modified version. I do appreciate his style, his tough love style.
I don't know that I because nowadays when I see parents like talk to their kids like they're already adults and everything has to be a discussion and their opinions have to be considered with adult divisions, I'm like, just like, I shouldn't have an opinion because I have no child. But I'm getting eddy too. If in one knocks on the door. Sure, yeah, just sometimes you have to be that because I'm the dad. Yeah yeah, when a kid is hurt, yeah, I would always care about that.
I'm just impressed by their resilience. Like every kid. I see it this banket's face off the edge of a door frame and then be like and like what it's just they're made of nerve. It's only until someone really you know, caru Okare wasn't home and I was bringing roads. She's running down the hall and she just full on went in like face just gong to the point where you hear the door like the wall shape face and
get them and it was like a like crying. But then I got her in the apartment and then she just like oh she's fine, and then running around but the craziest shiner.
O, craziest, no dangerous.
I'm worried for me. Like people will think I full on belt at this two year old.
Yeah, let's ring her into the grocery store and get some weird looks. And the old.
Excuse of I ran into a door.
She really did, she did?
Yeah, I mean I took her to daycare and like her daycare is the funniest daycare. All the women wear these like neon nurse scrubs and they play like they speak Spanish to them and stuff. It's it's great, but they were they they are so honest. They're just like we were so glad that didn't happen with us. And I was like, oh, thank you for saying that, because you know, you pick your kid up and it's just like, well, I don't know, I guess right, we hit her with a car by mistake. So so.
Do you have to like baby proof your place when she is first learning to walk? Did you have to cover corners with pads and stuff?
We did that with the fireplace and like plug plugged up all the the sockets, but like a lot of it, and like you you know those those cinches those kidnapping and all the all the cupboards, all the colors, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you don't actually use those because then you have to clip them every time. Oh I forgot the fuck yeah, just washing liquid every time. But uh yeah, it's just it's just other than that that, like we read read up on it, but it's like I wasn't going to
live in a foam house, right. A lot of it is just kind of I'm always here when she's here, so it's just corrective. No, no, no, we don't do that. We don't do that.
I do like your method of just immediately picking her up and moving her around like everything is an experience. Now you're moving in the air in my arms are distracted, Okay, run along.
I can still remember babysitting my niece who is now fifteen, when she was like two or three years old and like accidentally slamming her fingers in her We had this old fucking dresser that was my like grandpa's dresser that then my sister hadn't she It was just for the other adults to put her little baby, you know, onesies
and socks or whatever into. And she was standing there and I was like trying to get it shut and then finally got it, you know, into its groove and this fucking boom, and she had been holding onto it. And it happened twelve years ago, and it gets to I get a stomach ache, like once a month. I remind myself of it, and then I can feel it in my body where I was just like, thank God, I'm not a parent.
Because you do it all day long. It's horrifying.
My mom and I still think it's the funniest thing. But I think when I was four or five, my dad slammed my head in the trunk of the Pinto station wagon we had. And my dad is six foot six, he's taller than I is. He's shrunk in a little bit, so we we're about the same now. But you know, this was in his prime. This is like early eighties. You know, you'd probably about forty or something, still a strong,
you know, tall man. And he says we were ready to go for a trip and he'd put all the bags away, and I'd wandered in and got my big a hass head in there, and he's like, he's like, all right, you know, said something, you know whatever, Santa Barber here we come, just rug like my and it was like he's like oh, He's like, oh, oh my god.
And like I would bring it up and we'd laugh and laugh, and my dad it took probably twenty years after I was already you know, twenty or whatever for him to be like, oh that was that was a scary day. He just wouldn't even crack a smile because it's just the.
Trauma of yeah, truly like you've just abused, accidentally accused a child, and the pain it's not something small.
It's like, no, I slammed her fingers.
Into a drawer.
Oh, it's horrifying.
Yeah, sickness, it's any any extremity face, head, fingers toes like ouch.
My sister did the classic one of with Adrian's baby at the time. He's now twenty seven. She was whole him and then just turned like this to say something and just smacked his head into the wall, like she just like whipped around.
To do something.
And she's like, I think about it all the time, because I admit went to her and was like, I slammed Nora's fingers on the door.
And she immediately told me that story. She's like, I literally could have given Johnny brain damage. Like we know now he has a great job and everything's fine, but it was a scary, Like, but kids are Have you ever seen the X ray of like a baby's face where their teeth go all the way up toward their nose, so they just basically it looks like they're wearing a little mask of calcium underneath their skin.
Yeah, I'm gonna avoid but I have heard that I guess I visualized.
It protects them like they are more they're very strong.
Yeah. I mean when Rose was being born, there were complications and we had this doctor that was like, she's so locked in. She's just like she's like, all right, well, you know, like I got to get her out there, and you know did they got gathered around uh, and so they got her out all that jazz. But I'll never forget like the moment before that, and it's like that moment where you're just like, is she okay? Why
are there so many people in this room? And we had, you know, you bring a birth mix, so we just had like nineties R and B and all kinds of stuff. And the doctor, the obgu I n who we were working with, she was like the one uh for some reason, like it was her and two young interns. She's around my age and my wife's age, and she's like, she's like, Okay, we gotta get to check. We gotta make sure this heart read partpet is strong. Okay, in the next couple
of seconds are gonna be very important. It's fine, keep breathing, keep breathing, keep pushing, keep pushing. Is this SWV what? And then her two interns are like, I don't know who that is, and she's like, you are you fucking kidding? You know, all right? It was just this thing of it. May it Actually it relaxed me in the moment where I'm just like, this person is so across it. This person is literally everything that could or will happen, and
it's just like, let me take excuse me. You know I heard this is a this is a sweet jam.
If she remembers s s WV that means she paid attention in medical school and she yes, right, she can't remember that she does?
She does, she does, but also you're you're so right? Where the thing that's so scary, of course to you guys as first time parents, like this is their job every day they do eight of these and go home for dinner. This is standard fair and problems are standard fair and there it's it's all handleable.
I love.
It almost makes me go like did she do that on purpose? To be to basically bring the to be like, oh, this is a maybe not actually the emergency you think it is.
By the way, hey, and if that's.
True, great right now one of my favorite things. We're in that room for so long and it was a nice, big one, and this was during twenty twenty, so we had to wear masks the whole time. But there was a sign on the wall that was huge that spelled out everything like, if you've brought a doula, here is what they are not allowed to do under any circumstance of me. It just warmed my non new age medicine.
Heart well and as powerful as like the conviction of a like a specific type of new age person is right. I do apologize because I was raised by registered nurse. You do not fuck with nurses, and like that's the doctors whatever. You know that a nurse printed that sign and put it up because nurses are the ones that are actually doing stuff deal until the moment.
And they're the one.
It's like the importance of not introducing doubt into a process that is already so scary. Not that that's what I have no idea what doulas do in any meaningful way, but just that it's about being a team player.
So it's like, well, then I guess you need to know the rules.
And that you know follow along and you know, to be fair, I'm sure ninety percent of duelas are just like listen. I'm just here. You know, if you need me, I will talk you through. The doctor is the is the boss?
Well, yes, because it's needed though, thinking about how gross the medical system can be where you come in, like there's a doctor that's like, well whatever, you know that kind of thing.
Where then just to argue the.
Other side of how important it would be to have like a Grandma's style person woman has done it a bunch of times and is like, I know the tricks to get you to the point where then that doctor comes in and you deliver this baby. Yeah, there's a bunch of other shit that happens before that that's super scary, super important, And you know, having a lady there that looks like your mom's friend is probably incredibly comforting, you know, if they do it right.
Yeah, And like I appreciate the nurses were incredible and they're their human skills were amazing. Like at one point, I mean, my brain was broken. I didn't know what was down, what was up. Well before she even started
giving birth or went into labor. I went and got us coffee, and I left Cedar Sinai and and got back in the building somehow got back in the hallway and went right into the wrong room, confident, and there was a couple that had had the baby like an hour ago, and she's breastfeeding, no shirt husband there and I had two coffees. Hey go oh, I'm so sorry, and I just turned and like and they just fell
out laughing. And I went to the hallway and a nerves this mail nurse is just staring at me, shaking his head and I'm like, I'm sorry, Please don't throw me out. We're gonna have a kid. And he's like, I'm not gonna throw you out, man, Just go to that room and like and you know, we both had a laugh. But it's like I walked in on a half naked woman, like that's.
Holding scalding hot coffee baby, and.
Then start slowly fining for me.
Will Yeah, early drama, will.
Err Lewis trauma.
Scalding day.
I just feel like the funniest Jerry Lewis to me is Martin SHORTZ, Jerry Lewis.
You sent me Matt when you sent me that video of him.
Themes from an Idiot's Marriage is the funniest, like five minutes of any TV, Like.
The Tender Fella thing where he sticks the gas pump in.
His sprayings into his mouth.
I still show that.
I show that ever since you sent me that out of nowhere. I still show that to someone monthly.
Him coming out. If you don't know, Karen, it's it's, uh Jerry Lewis in uh what was like a tender Fellow Mercies and it's Robert Duvall, Robert Duvall Tender Mercies, but if it was Jerry Lewis and the Robert Vall role, and he he comes out of the shotgun shock, he drank away all his money and he's been a slate for three days, and thees like how are you feeling? Is like, like, I don't feel good so much, and
it's doing he does. He does. It's it's angry put upon Jerry Lewis, and then he just goes full on wild.
Physically bad ship hilarious.
It's so goddamn good.
Love that man, Yeah, love that man.
Yeah that's from an old Showtime comedy special.
Yeah, that's what it was. It was time. Yeah. So if he walked in on the on the topless woman, I think he would just yell, you know, like you know, boobies or breast and he would just he throw both cups in his face, in his face and just like.
Burn for each boob. Yeah, oh that's that's terrific.
How old's Rose, she's too, she's two years two months.
When you were in the hospital and eight o'clock rolled around, even though you were standing right near nurses, could you still bang pots and pants together in.
Within I'm three feet away back to.
Jerry Lewis, I know. I I just maintained a respectful distance and whatever they told me to do, I did. That was it. That was it. Yeah, solid takes and it was like nobody, you know, nothing's around that hospital besides you know, a couple of retail stores and stuff in office buildings, so there were people would gather on the door, like when they'd change shifts. Everybody would stop what they're doing and the round of applot cool, you know, so that that was very cool. That was very cool
at the entrance. Yeah, yeah, that was nice. That was nice. That's over now, Yeah, no more applause for them.
Yeah, insane.
Yeah.
My neighborhood really a coup park, really partied at eight and it lasted about fifteen minutes.
Where I lived, no one did anything. It was silent.
It was just you could hear pin drop. Was just like, was if Hollywood is doing it, why aren't we doing it in the valley?
So that's so crazy.
But because there was nowhere to park, That's that's what it was. Everyone what it was. Yeah, they were in their house.
It was almost like it was a way to celebrate the medical people, the frontline people, but it was also a way to get out like the like I think I might be going insane feeling, yeah, you know, And they were just like like that it's a good release.
Yeah, you're suddenly interacting in agreeance with hundreds of people from a distance.
Yeah.
But but it was that's what was really.
It feels good.
I was in during twenty twenty, we were going to go up to drive up to Portland to see my folks to bring the baby up, and then Oregon caught fire, do you remember, Yeah, and then California caught fire because it was jealous, and then we were like, this is a baby developing lungs, why don't we drive to Boston. And we drove thirty three hundred miles with a six week old in an electric car with California play during
an election year. Highly recommend and we got to her little town outside of Boston, and we lived there as counties for about a month, month and a half, and then we drove back and we drove back through the South to stay warm, like the days ticking down, you know, to the day. And we were in a hotel in New Orleans when they called it for Biden and oh wow, play you know, like it's a blue dot in the
reddest state there is. And it was everybody, everybody walking down the street was either partying their dick and butt off or had this blank stone face. There was no you know, because this was before it was like it was stolen, before that whole thing was introduced. It was just either I'm in the biggest heaven of my life or I am in the deepest shock of my life. And I remember that, but I wish I was both.
Kind of wished we were in LA weeks later because the stuff that jumped off, like DEMI who shot that thing at that gas station where they're all standing on top of cars. That gas station is like a stone's throw from our house, right And I asked him about that,
and he was like he hadn't heard the news. But he goes out he goes up in the balcony of his apartment and a man just walks into like the driveway area, who's just walking around, just blaring a bagpipe, and DEMI grabs whatever he had because he plays like nine instruments like a flute and starts jamming, and like I was like, oh, because I saw. I definitely saw some of that.
You know, people were so happy that they reformed rusted route.
Yes, that's the only way to express it.
Uh.
Yeah.
My street was dancing and kissing in the street and the bus couldn't get through, but the bus driver didn't care.
They were like cheering.
I I just I have a pretty good video on my Instagram of everyone dancing too. I want to dance with somebody, Yeah, and they're just it was like everyone's crying.
It was.
It was about a lot more than just Biden winning. It was liked it was pure relief. Yeah yeah, yeah.
I mean we had we had champagne with lunch and then walked our baby through the quarter and got dackerse and like we're like, let's just go to the hotel and then grab like some dinner somewhere I don't care where. It was more we felt more you know, we had this kid to keep alive, so we couldn't go nuts. But it was like we also we also just were just like I just felt a deep, bone deep exhaustion
from the last four years. And I remember because the night before we were in Oh god, it's it's in the Ozarks and it's like the one it's like Steve Martin lives there, and damn it, what's it called? Just really really Banjo Town, Beverly Hill. It's in the it's in the it's in the southeast, and like it was the night of the election, and there were people that were it was like, oh, we don't know which way it's going to go. It's gone in here and there.
And I hadn't even thought about mail in ballots, and it looked really I was like what is happening? And guys were driving their pickups in and just antagonizing the hippies in town with flags, and it was like, I don't like how this feels. Regardless of who wins. I fucking hate the decorum, you know, where you're just screaming
and being an asshole. So like to kind of land in there and just have that like, oh god, you know, I was very surprised that we didn't have any part of us that were like, let's just go dance, Let's go dance around in the street.
You know.
So this non walking baby, yeah, you know, so it's like, oh man, anyway.
Yeah, to celebrate with her. You did include her in the celebration.
Yeah, exactly, yea, yeah, this clueless.
Child in basically party town, USA. That's the funniest part is like it is like the greatest thing to celebrate and the best place to do it, and you guys are just like, okay, we're turning in.
It's yeah, not a lot of babies.
At Marty gro No and will I will say during twenty twenty that you know, it's like when you go to if you go through the let's say, go down Bourbon Street like seven am, it's the saddest place in the world. You know, it's just like there's cups and bars.
It was. It was sad all the time because no one's there and the bars are trying to stay around, and you know, the only people wandering the streets are just they start talking to you right away and you're like, okay, I don't want any of what you're selling, you know, baby huh, yeah, my sister has a baby. You know, I just I've noticed it. Okay, no, no, no, no, we're not starting, We're not you and I are not talking. Stop walking along with us.
Do not say the word Christ to me, Do not bring him up.
Yeah, and I think it was actually more nefarious than that. It was like someone who's like, you know, could you loan me? It's just this kind of wandering skev dudes.
And when you turn to him and say, I'd love to talk to you about Christ and then.
Yeah, yeah, will you pray with me? Sir? Nothing's worth this.
Running away?
Oh my I do you feel, Matt, you've been on the road right doing shows?
Do you find that strange people are in the audience and feeling empowered and being more vocal than a few years ago.
Last night I had a very strange, scary.
I scaled back my road this year. Yeah, and it's it was the smartest thing I ever did. Like I'm I'm i'm homeway more, I'm I'm helping my wife way more. Or you know, Rosco's a daycare all day, but weekend she's she's with us, And that's why you want it. But when it's just one of us all weekend. It's it's a lot, you know, the two of us. It's great. Yeah,
but yeah, I was. I was in this club. There's great club called Laugh Camp in Saint Paul, Minnesota, and the second show Friday night, these two dudes would not shut up. And I don't mean they're talking, they just kept yelling stuff during my setups and I'm just like this.
I put out the fire uput of the fire like six seven times and finally went, ah, you guys gotta go man, and the crowd's like applauding because they the crowd has turned on and the crowd is like, yeah, shut up, and they're like what No, And they got walked out by this old bartender there's no security and finished the set, had a good one, got it, went to the bar for a beer with the staff, and I'm just making conversation with the bartender and I was like,
what the hell will those guys were like, what twenty five and he's like no, they were their fifties. And that threw me for such a loop that the next night I had a so soo set where I could not get my bearings. Not that I was afraid of people talking to me. I don't really care about that because it eventually gets snuffed. But just how old, yeah, drunk and unaware they were. It just went I was like, who who is this?
Yeah?
The worst hecklers I ever had at Crackers in Indianapolis.
They wouldn't stop.
And I asked them who what they did for a living, because you know, I love crowd work, and they were like, we're high school history teachers. They were high school writers, and they were being the most disruptive children in the room.
You know. Yeah, they're like, it's time for me to get some Yeah, those kids interrupt me all the time.
I'm gonna throw a paper airplane at you. That They had to be fifties, nineteen fifties teachers.
They keep they keep yelling boner, like during everyone you're life, would you stop, please stop yelling boner.
I feel like also, these all is tied together with the communal thread of either people are drinking too much these days or they're on they're on a ton of fucking pills in that way where they're they're like, when they're in the real world, it doesn't feel real to them anymore, so they're doing shit like that. I feel like that's like a people are just kind of like on drugs or on.
The biggest part. I think everyone's kind of wasted right now. Yeah, yeah, rightfully.
So look, I get it. It's a it's a it's a time of high anxiety. But it's like not that you can ever totally check out from reality. But the time to do that is when you're in your early twenties. Yes, you know, I'll say all of your twenties, maybe some of your thirties, you go to a festival and blackout. Okay, yeah,
fair friends that look out for you. But it's like, you know, when you get into adulthood and you have some modicum of responsibility, like like, okay, for example, your guys they're teachers, Okay, they're like, wouldn't it be crazy if at the lights come up, we just stood up and pulled each other's dicks out of our pants. And they do that, and they're like, eh or whatever, and one of their students is there with their parents and that fucks up that student's head so bad where they're like,
it wasn't even sexual. It's not like he wanted to touch his friend's peanit. They were just trying to be disgusting.
I do like the mutualism that you just came up with on the top of your head, like I'll pull your.
Quite a hypothetical. It's quite a hypothetical, to be fair.
I said something way cooler than those guys. Whatever, be comfortable to do, Okay, okay, And then this this student is just like fuck, I didn't know mister Dorsey was like such a piece of shit. He seemed like kind of a nerd. But I like the stuff he's talking about, and he has an insight. Boy, it's a real jackal and hide situation when that guy gets drunk.
Yeah.
Any Civics, court history, Uh, it seemed government. Those classes seem to be taught I don't know why by football coaches and teachers.
And these guys were big, like jockey dudes, you know, just locker room took and tickle.
What's a problem. I definitely I had a history teacher who had the whole you'll grow out of it if you cared about any other strat of society besides your own. You know, it's just like no, no, you'll get it. You'll someday you'll know that those people, Oh God, why are you taking why are you teaching us history?
Are teaching children? Yeah?
For real.
I also think that all the hecklers are being empowered by this trend now of everyone trying to do a viral uh oh crowd work video, Like I don't want to burn my materials, so I'm going to do a lot of hey what do you do for a living's? And and it's kind of I've noticed it affecting audiences. I get it, and I like crowd work. It's great, but uh, crowd's been chirpy and talking and confident.
It's like the super drunk person that thinks they're helping times ten. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know, it's like I know, I know, you know, Yeah, that's that's my cousin. That's that.
Also, there's a lot of those people, like in the viral videos I've watched of comics that are getting somehow quote unquote attacked. Is those hecklers are genuinely stupid. So it's like it's like a thing where it's kind of like you're you're trying to be witty toward a barking dog because that's they're just drunk and basically going like I don't have to think the way you think or so get out of your aunt, Carol, what are you doing?
Yeah, it's it's genuinely sad. Yes, a lot of those videos where you're like, this is a person with a broken mind and a broken.
Life a comedy club to fight with like premises like stop it.
But then they got drunk and then you read the comments that they lost their job or something. It's like, well, I don't want that. I just oh, maybe I had to stay at home.
Yes, I read a drunk A drunk pair of women during my setups. You can just hear them discussing something as loud as we're talking right now, in the silence that is there when we're not talking. And everyone kept shoshing them, kept shoshing them, and I was like, I just I just put them out, put him out, put them out. Then finally snapped and go and just I just yelled, you gotta shout the fuck up. I hate doing that. I hate when I snapped. I feel like
I lost control and applause. But then and after the show, people were like, what the fuck is wrong with you? And they were like, well, we were with our friend in the hospital. She has cancer.
It was like, no, all right, that is leave your fucking friend out of it. You were an asshole, and don't.
Be like I need to drink nine drinks. This is so hard to get through.
And then go to a comedy right, go drink nine drinks at a bar where they like stuff like that, Yes.
Where the music is loud and it can be loud.
To do your thing.
I'll never forget. This reminded me, but it's very off topic. But when I lived in San Francisco. When I lived in San Francisco, and now that I think back, like we were living off the fat of the land in the early nineties.
It's fucking hilarious.
Like I worked at the Gap and I was able to live in San Francisco and like go out to dinner when I was just laugh insanity, just insane. So right, we got drunk because that's what we did every weekend, like literally buying Budweiser Tall Boys, drinking as many as we can and then going to get like one or two drinks in an actual bar because we have to, Like you had to figure out how to get your bus.
I did that, mag and I have done that together. Continue go on.
Right, it's the classic, like when you're twenty seven, and you're like, this is how we're gonna do this. We rolled in super drunk to a jazz bar on Market Street where some jazz legend had come to play, and the room probably had fifty people in it.
We plopped down in a booth and we're.
Just like anyway, so that backing guy says to me, and people are like and like the hardcore shushing we were getting, and I'm like trying to drink like a you know, a Greyhound or something, and we think that we're just sitting there to drink and smoke and talk over this fucking it was. It could have been fucking
stand getz. It could have been the greatest jazz music in a full time and we were literally treating it like background music and we were so drunk, and then the vibe, it was like the entire room turned on us. And when then we're like, we gotta get out of here. Like suddenly we came to like, oh, we fucked this
up so bad. But it feels to me like the people that end up being like those ridiculous like endless hecklers, there's so drunk they can't come up into even feeling that the entire room hates them.
They're still under there.
Yeah, they're what I call invisible drunk. Like we've all been there where it's like you're so you're so hammer, you're taking your clothes off and stop stop you don't You're like, no, everything's just warm and cool. Everybody's cool. You're not even like your intellect isn't even just in the fact that people's faces are like, oh god, stop, stop stop, like you're shocking everyone. It's that level of lack of awareness.
That's what happened in the most recent where the crowd the audience member threw that beer at uh oh yeah, the comic oh yeah, and I wish I knew her name right now, but she picked it up and just kept drinking it.
I thought it was kind of a badass move, but oh incredible.
They did not realize the audience was against them until she said, do you guys think they should stop? And everyone cheered, and that's what all of a sudden, they weren't invisible. There was that moment, and it caused the guy with to throw a beer.
Someone took a beer and just as they're throwing it, in their mind they're like this is fine. Yeah, like this is like, that's that's a level of drunk. That's I mean, above and beyond the wall of duty.
Makes me want to focus on podcasting.
I'm like you not.
It does not make them want to go to lax and fly somewhere.
Oh yeah, oh yeah. I mean those two guys there was there was a guy in front of them who was kind of like, you're you're kind of crazy young guy who actually looked like the same the same look as like Fairbanks ten fifteen years ago when you when you when you had you had the flat bill and that bush of curls behind your head shirt, curly hair shirt. And he he was he was in front of them, and he was he was about your side. He's turned around and looked right at those guys. He's like he's like,
I'm gonna beat the fuck out of both. I shut up. And like after the show, the guy was standing there like people are like hey with a handlet shaking my hand and this and this kid was like, oh man, I was about to throw it down, bro, And I'm like, I know, and I'm glad you did. I'm glad I don't want this to become a fucking, you know, kettle of madness. I don't want I don't want anyone to get punched. I don't care what they did. I don't want this stuff that start like well.
And also it doesn't make sense to me those clubs that don't take action immediately, because I think many of us. If you, if you did the majority of your stage time coming up in Los Angeles and you got to play at places like you know, the Hollywood Improv or Largo or any of those places where immediately you'd get dragged out of that fucking room. There's no way they would let two drunk guys just sit there and have their way at the show.
That it's tough because that place is and people people, not that you said that, but people are there are people like what what a security? They did nothing, And I'm like, this club is holding on by a string. They don't have security. They have They had a small woman doing sound and a bartender who was like almost
my dad's age. Who but I later found out the guy who told me that they were in the fifties, he had a concealed carry on him and I was like, oh boy, you imagine his training ticks just keep going Wronger.
Lord, Two dead bodies Oh that's my closer.
I like that.
You said they have a small woman doing sound like a tall woman would have cost them more.
So they had to get a small woman because they were hanging on by the edge.
Just it's all. It's all about numbers and yeah and masks.
Well with an eight piece band like a music outfit, they do have an eight foot tall woman that comes in for that.
Oh yeah, she does. The more security does the scheduling.
Yeah, the more complicated the job, the taller the person. That's how it's always been.
That's how it is.
That's how it's always been.
Yeah, that's so true. At Fable, I did Mike Bredenstein and Mike Combs is shot Fable. Ye, my crazy guy that was focused on me and was following me around and sitting next to me. Oh to at such a crazy level where I was just like, oh, I have to engage with him. He's like a lost person. Maybe connecting with him is the way to go, But it wasn't. He was crazy and they finally they kicked him out
and they did a good job of it. So that sometimes yeah, yeah, there because it was a bar and there was a bouncer up front, like yeah, bars have bouncers.
Comedy clubs are like, it'll be fine.
Yeah, part of the job.
You joke your way through it.
Even though a comedy club is just a bar with a mic. Yeah, yeah, all it is.
It doesn't matter even what we're doing on stage, as long as we're selling drinks.
Oh yeah, oh yeah, yes, you know.
Do you a lot of people? I was about to change the subject. Did you have a conclusionary remarks about the current subject?
Not me, No, I don't know. I don't know what to do about it. I'm hoping it. I'm hoping it works itself out and comics find something else to do videos about or whatever.
But yeah, it's not Yes, yeah, most of the guests we have on here, i'd say about more than half of them, we end up talking inevitably about good times at Bridgetown. And it wasn't read your information sheet. I forgot that that first year where I stayed in your tall dad's basement.
You did with your short dad and your No, I get it.
You're tall.
Both your parents are very tall and very sweet. And I was in the basement because I was like one of the last comics to be added. But that was one of the second year. Maybe you started that with Andy. I did.
I did, and we had a lot of people who did the real work and it was awesome. I mostly just watched tape and asked my famouser friends to do it, and then I would I would do it myself as well. But you know, even with all the money that came in, of which I never took a dime, I didn't think that was the right thing to do because I didn't do a lot of work for it, and I always had so much fun.
You know.
They were all making about as much as you'd make edit Burger king right for years for the work. So after ten years when Andy was like, I think this might be it, I was like, dude, I get it right. But it's funny that you like you were in the basement. It was just like there was no money then to put anybody anywhere, you know, so like people were staying over in friends houses and.
All that jazz and well, I hope the people that worked at Bridgetown year after year and any even if a one off year, I hope they understand what a gift they were giving the performers because I have so many amazing I mean, I think I went two or three years. Every memory I have from there, every performance, every like location, the bartenders, the staff, the people that worked there at the other comics, Like it was such
it wasn't just like stand up summer camp. There was this other kind of like really beautiful shared art experience that only.
Those people could have provided for us.
And like, you know, a Ron Lynch midnight show where everyone's doing some weird thing he made up and it turned out to be the fucking greatest thing you've ever seen.
Like there was so much of that shit going on at Bridgetown, it truly, Especially in Quarantine, I thought about different shit we did at Bridgetown so much because it was like, it would be so fun to be in that big party room again, or it'd be so fun to you know, whatever idea, and it's just such a it's such a lovely you know, like people did work really hard and volunteered and kind of gave it there all.
But it was such a great experience. It was such a great festival.
Oh yeah, I I yeah, same, Like like every single year it was. It was different but the same, and that everybody had such a gas at such a great time. The shows were so incredible, and you know, I mean we we caught so much hell for our uh you know what what some peep comics would call like anti white dude segregation or whatever. But it's just like we just had like slots to fill and it was just like all right, we'll full up, full up white dudes, you know, and it's just like, you know, it just
Portland is already such a white place. And I think, you know, like that was the only real negative was Andy would catch hell. I never no one said ever said shit to me. But you know the positive thing was it laid this groundwork for comedy in Portland was good and had a definite scene. But now the scene is enormous and has been since like the halfway point, the final point of Bridge Down, Like it's it's so
great there. Like you know, Kanaane lives there now, yeah, yeahs in Beaverton with Rachel and like he just does gigs in town and he's always telling me, he's like, fuck, everyone's so good. He's like I feel terrible you know sometimes you know, well just that, but don't you. I mean, every every comic, I play the comedy store once or twice a week, and I'll always go there and I'll watch at least two people that make me feel like dog shit. Yeah, it's like where I'm just like, yeah,
you need that. You need someone who's just like, God, damn it, Why why do I have to that.
People are getting good and I like that I'm not not everyone's doing crowd work videos.
I'm there's so many comics are so amazing.
Right now, so amazing well, and the people watching other people over the years. It's like the benefit of being somebody that's starting or five years in right now is all of the people who who did it before, right So it's like it's it's the natural progression, and it is the perfect thing for like a person who's like a stand up comic personality to have all of their jeal triggered because it's like that's how good I wanted to be, And like like the last time I did
stand up, like I had to follow James Fritz. Have you had to follow James Fritz lately? Like his shit is about important things right now that people are talking about, but the jokes are amazing. He is fucking hilarious, completely authentic. So it's that kind of thing where I'm like, I
don't need to do this. If this is the level that people are doing, I have had my chance and like and God bless everybody do this level, because I'm bringing the level down with my I'm actually reading my tweets out loud and basically telling everybody I don't care.
Enough to try.
And then meanwhile people are putting together like it's not just like late night sets anymore. People are putting together one man or woman shows and just doing them like fifteen minute increments is beautiful.
No, I have two that I consistently have to fucking follow it. It makes me furious. Is Rick Ingram, who is like the greatest livings uh crowd work man of all time, Like that guy Chris Rock took him on tour like all through Europe and I would die to see him just roast a French crowd or whatever. He just says the craziest ship to people and just never has material. And I'm just like, fuck you, I've been
trying to write all day. And then you know, Fahim an War will just do the silliest premise and it will just destroy Yeah, and he's he's never not funny, like it's you know, and I've told him that it's just he's one of those guys, and he's one of those guys who like the biggest names. Oh Fahim's up. You know. Yeah, yeah, it's just but it's like I still get that definite imposter syndrome from Damn and others. But it's like, so what you know, like you're still It's just it is part of it.
It's part of the engine.
It's like the it's the fuel in the engine that gets you so that you you know, so that you do the next thing and the bigger thing and take a bigger bite.
Well, and Rick is so negative that when he found out I quit my podcast, he was so jealous, like he's in the parking. I like, he quit his fucking podcast. You can do that. God damn it wrong. You're a better man, and I hate it. You know what for quitting, I've inspired you by giving up. Yeah.
I really had a feeling last night when I of getting older, my career having been going on a long time. As I wrote some jokes and I wrote them on a piece of paper and that it's on stage and because the there wasn't a stark spotlight, I looked down at my notes and it was just blurry. I couldn't read, Oh god, because I needed these reading glasses now and I sat on them.
As you can see there, it's just one arm whatever the.
Last time, like well, I have new jokes here, but it's a series of vague and watercolor stripes.
I have no idea what I wrote down?
Do you have anything you want to plug before we get out?
My special Doug, which is named after a terrible man my wife and I met on vacation. Once is on, It's on everywhere on video on demand. It's just I tell the story of you're driving across the country, us having the baby out, fatherhood has just changed me, and also looking back on my garbage days and how actually being with a with a pirate woman partner has made life a lot more fun. So that's that's out there.
And yeah, check out Doug's and this episode of Do You Need a Ride? We're gonna go ahead and dedicate to Doug please do.
Awesome.
Thanks for the past, Thanks, oh thanks for having me guys.
This is awesome. Appreciate love you both.
You've been listening to Do You Need to Ride? D y n a are This has been an exactly right.
Production produced by Analise Nelson.
Mixed by Edson Choy.
Our talent booker is Patrick Kottner.
Theme song by Karen Kilgarrett.
Artwork by Chris Fairbanks.
Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at dinar podcast That's d y nar Podcast.
For more information, go to exactly rightmedia dot com.
Thank you both, You're welcome.