S3 - Ep. 46 - Karen & Chris

I leave in I you wanna way back home? Either way you want to be there.

Doesn't matter how.

Much baggage you claim, and give us time and a terminol and gay.

We want to send you off in style.

We wanna welcome you back home. Tell us all about every scared her?

Was it fine?

Malcorn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Ride?

Do you need.

With?

Karen and Chris.

Welcome to Do you need a ride?

This is Chris Fairbanks And this is Karen Kilgaroff.

Hello, Karen. How are you today?

Oh my god, Chris, I'm you know good, but like I'm just gonna have so many answers for you. I guess we're our own guests today. I answer that in so many ways.

I just opened up a big can of worms. I left it broad. How did you start your day? What is your routine?

My I keep thank you for asking. Finally someone cares. I fall asleep on the couch watching TV. Wake up usually at one am or so, put myself to bed, go to sleep for until three point thirty. Wake up, start watching TikTok and literally until like six thirty in the morning, and I'm like, well, I might as well just go make coffee. And I've done that like three nights in a row, where tonight I have to not do it because my sleep is so.

Fucked up se And I'm not bragging, but I do not have a problem sleeping. I sleep at least eight hours a night. But sometimes I wake up in that three o'clock what am I doing with my life? And I'm having trouble breathing pay I don't know if it's a panic attack, but it comes out of nowhere, and I'll do that. But coffee, I've been drinking coffee all day. I started by making my bed, which is a routine

Well, can I give you a suggestion, Yes, please, because I was forced to take a break from coffee when I got COVID and couldn't taste coffee, so it was literally like drinking bitter swill, hot garbage water. So I didn't drink it for like, you know, it was only like a month at the most, probably right, But then when I started again, I only needed like two cups instead of that kind of like just keep on drinking

Yeah, it's going into the adrenals.

It is the adrenals are I've just heard other people say that. Yeah, I don't either. I don't either. I don't know where they are. I know they're gland.

Because that's the word that pops up after you say a drenal adrenal.

I bet they're right in the top of your nasal cavity. No, not really, Oh my god.

I went down to uh Insanitas to do stand up with mostly surfers that do stand up, but one of them was JT. Parr of Chad and JT. They do all the like city council meetings, they have it. They're very funny.

They do bits, they do bits, they.

Do live they sit in on city council meetings with ridiculous ideas, but they do it so dryly in like a surfer character, even though.

They are guys that did the thing about they went to the city council meeting to talk about partying.

Yes and to get a statue videos of Paul Walker in Orange County Yeah, to change the treatment plant to the Britney Spears toxic treatment plant, And they earnestly talk about how much they love these people and how much they inspired him, like there is no and they do man on the street stuff and talk to people about masks in southern California where people are continue to be surprisingly very conservative and they're on the right. So I

The water.

Yeah, you could see the ocean right there, and I was like how And and BRIT's job was taking things right. When someone dies, she rushes there in something like an ambulance and extracts donor like we're talking, yeah, spinal cords, sciatic nerves like she pulls them out like a snake and coils them up, I don't know, puts them in a cooler. It was and she was the most like funny not you. I bet someone like that to be

Is it a good like she would be able to tell us where the adrenals Actually, I bet there's someone on your neck right or something.

Yeah, yeah, mine are pits. Yeah, they got them in the pits. I've had people with the armpit gland problems where they had some issues and had to get cut on the armpit.

That's all I know. But what a stressful.

Job like, like dealing with something that valuable and sitting in with surgeons but being part of the surgery and violently pulling someone apart. But it was just her job. It was like a to her. It's like working on a car like a mechlanic.

Do you know for a fact it's violent. I bet it isn't violent.

To get extract things from a body, just knowing when I made the mistake of watching my hip surgery, how insanely you're right, Yeah, And I guess when you're pulling things and there's a skeleton involved, or you have to move a lot of shit to get to these important oh organs and everything and that you're right, that requires strength and jaws of life. And I mean not to get all crazy gross, but oh man.

So sorry. These were just people you'd never met, never met, were basically like.

I knew right away sitting in the audience when they're laughing at me and it looks like they don't paddle out on waves that they were. They do you need to ride fans? And they were and I took pictures with them and we went and got in and out and I stayed at their fancy house and they're my new friends for life.

So britten, Amy Lee, thanks for listening to Do You Need a Riot?

Yeah? Yeah, that's a shout out to the Allens Hell.

Yeah, because I.

Stupidly I just went to do this show with no plan of where. I'm like, that's probably an hour's south. I'll just turn around drive back, of course not. I had three beers and then the show ended late and I was three hours away. It took forever to get there, so they saved the day. Notice like she does with people and organs.

Now, you must have known about what she does for a living when you went to stay. There was there any fear that she might steal your spleen?

It was lingering. I didn't know them that well. Yeah, but I did sleep with my eyes open all night looking.

At the door. That's how they get the retinas.

I was also in a modern you know, the kind of big boxy glass house where a lot of these current horror.

Movies take place.

It wasn't a haunted scary house.

It was more like sleeping with the enemy kind of domestic violence.

Things turned Yeah, yes, you don't know your husband as well as you thought you did.

Yep.

Yeah, very open space, plenty of time for me to see someone running at me with garden shears. There was also a garden. A cat was on the loose. We were worried about the cat, like whatever, it's a pet, seminary cat. There's a lot of things that were going through my mind. Halloween is among us, Halloween is upon us. It is upon us, and I mean there's all us pressure. What do we do go to a hay ride? Do we go to a pumpkin patch? Which I drove by

It is. In fact, my sister I just had to take her first grade class to a pumpkin patch and the morning. We talked to each other every morning as she drives to work, and she was so mad, and I was like, it made me immediately start laughing. He I was like, why are you this mad about the punkin bash. She's like, you don't understand. It's really hot and it's boring, and she was like talking about it where it was like it might be about something else

For me, of course, it's for kids. But I do get excited about Halloween more like I want to be somewhere right now where I'm walking through crunchy leaves. I wish it was colder. Yeah, you know. I love this time of year, all the seasons that have been torn from me by moving somewhere that's seventy five degrees. It always sounds like you're bragging, but it's it's beautiful and sunny here all the time, but also too hot.

But today it was like ninety two.

I know, and it's crazy. There's no the passing of time is not ever benchmarked by seasons, and my life is flying by. I think that happens when you get older anyway. But oh I could use some I could use a long cold winter.

Well, no, that makes sense, because a pumpkin patch or like a haunted corn maze or something like that is like this definitive. We are in fault, doesn't matter how hot it is outside. We know this for a fact. But like when you're older and you don't have kids or whatever, you don't really do stuff like that because it just feels like it's for other people. Yeah it is.

And I drove by slowly and I watch them voyeuristically, but in a holiday mood, much like I do during Christmas, and I slow down sometimes I park, I watch them open their presence. I mean, I think about my own family as I get closer to the window and breathe a foggy circle to then draw a sinister pentagram.

Just kidding, pull the bellaclava down over your face. Yeah, I just turned it to Halloween. Yes for Mary Christmas.

When one of the first times I saw you do stand up at Largo. I know I've brought this up before, but do you remember you're you had like a hay ride or a hay may or a corn maze. You were just talking shit about it in a conversational way. So of course I'm not going to ask you to repeat it, but I laughed. I'm like, that person is very funny.

Thanks.

One day, we're going to do a podcast together.

For nineteen years. Yeah, here's the thing, and this is the one part I talked about it for so long and described it in such detail. But the thing that is the truth about that bit is we all went to a haunted corn maze at like some kind of like freestanding mom and pop Halloween event space, right, So there was like food trucks and you could also we got really stoned and there was a guy who was swallowing swords out front and he picked me, which is

Do you think about displaying a very shaky hand?

I know, we're like I kind of would, just like I don't know, like.

Just did he want you to lower the sword into his gullet?

No, he wanted me to pull it back out right.

Why don't yeah, yep. Also, it's it's unsanitary.

He was, but also dangerous, like what if I do wrong? And he was just like just go fast, go fast,

It's even more scary when you know they're not union right. Also, there's babs a uh claustrophobia or just all the fears we have instilled in us from the shining of actually feeling like there's no way out. I don't think I want to be an amazed situation either, the more I think about it.

No, and in that one, it isn't true maze because you have to follow a certain path, like they're not just letting you anger. But it still was just the thing where I went, oh, yeah, no, I don't want to do this. It's not daytime. I'm not with children. Yeah, like this whole everything about this is not what I like.

Well, I thought I wouldn't like the Not Scary Farm one of my favorite puns, but I totally did. And it was because I was getting scared but no one was allowed to actually touch you. It's just like little jump scares. But after you know twenty minutes of getting scared, you're expecting it, and then you're just admiring the costumes and everything. And I totally had fun and I didn't think I was going to. I like that.

We went one year and there's guys that were running around and they had like crushed coat cans pads. Yeah, and they would run and slide it you screaming and sparking. Yeah, And so it was I just could. I thought that was so ingenious because I'm like, yeah, you can't people, you can't touch people, you shouldn't touch people. Yeah, but that is just as good as that because it's shocking and like bizarre and like what is coming at me? Also, just like when you just said a gardener with sheers

Yes, yes, Yeah, there's a lot of imagery in that was very scary to.

Me, very scary. What else is scary this Halloween season?

What about if you if someone was like there is a real haunted house. It's on the Haunted House registry. It's a bed and breakfast. Do you want to go stay there?

What would you? Would you stay for one night to see if something would happen? Yeah, I guess so. I guess it depends. It kind of depends on who I was with, because if it's somebody that's jumpy and panicky, I wouldn't. I wouldn't want to. If it's someone that's like, we've got to investigate this. If it was one of those ghost investigation guys with the big necklaces, I might be into it because they're like going to handle it right.

So if there was like infrared goggles involved, you would do it.

If somebody was had like an e meeter or whatever those things are, and they were kind of treating it scientifically, maybe, but I feel like I wouldn't. I certainly wouldn't do it by myself, and because I believe in that stuff, Like I know, I feel like ghosts are real or that those things when people talk about those experiences, it's real. Yeah, it's just kind of unexplainably real.

Yeah. When growing up, I thought because I'd never had any experience, Looking back, though I certainly have. I just was trying to ignore them because I was trying to be cuff tough, Karen, cuff tough. I was trying to be just roll up my slaves and be cuff tough. That's what I meant. But I did when I stayed at a bed and breakfast, just whatever was affordable. One time I was doing a show in New Orleans and it was clearly I mean, the place was a mess.

Did they maybe, like, yeah, they were releasing a tiny bit of gas into the room at the people that you rented the room from. Yeah, maybe they were just trying to keep you there.

Yeah, they were, I mean, and the scariest part about the place there was no parking down the street.

That is horrifying.

Yeah, I but it was a and I looked it up later. It was famously a haunted.

House that you stay at.

People stay there as a stunt, and I did not know that it was just the most affordable ghost experience that let you stay the night.

Well, New Orleans is so old, it's filled. There's so much crazy shit that happened there that it is filled with haunted spots.

I believe. My friend Shrewdy did the music for the new Anne Rice's Interview with a Vampire, which takes place in New Orleans, and it's and she's good. The music is great. I just watched the introductory episode. But it's it's very Yeah, everything spooky is it's New ORNs, New Orleans. It's very spooky. It's funny when I you know, I think it's starting to happen more often as I get older, where I fully just say sentences backwards. It's almost like it's a superpower that will never help me.

You know what. Partially I think it might be too. It's wrong with me, Well, it's wrong. What's wrong with everybody. We're not around other people as much as we normally are. I mean more and more we're getting to be, but it's almost like we just haven't been practicing in that way of just like I am silent a lot of

That's not talk to anyone in twenty four hours, and the last person I talked to was you when we recorded yesterday. That's a gap of voice and brain relaxation that needn't happen one entire day.

Perhaps maybe the new thing should be when we wake up in the morning, we make our beds, as we know is best for our mental health, right, tidy up. Instead of drinking a bunch of coffee, you get some hot water and some lemon, like an opera singer, and then you just do some vocal warm ups.

Me.

I mean, I love New York.

I need New York apples and bananas and the lots of fruit. I don't know a lot of them, so I make them up one one two one one two three two one one two three four three two one one two three four five four three two one. I can do it faster than that if you want to really be annoyed.

Uh yeah, No, speed is important to speed, addiction, all of and then just saying stuff, just words and practicing, it's all important.

The thing that I'm annoyed with is because I've set my alarm, I made my bed, I started my day because I have a tax appointment tomorrow. I missed my extension. I in a lot of ways. I mean, when we first met, we both had this mounting tax issue. It was yes, but I kind of let it happen again that just last years, not multiple years, so it's it's not that daunting. I just need to add up expenses. But once I made my bed, I'm like, hey, this feels good. I'm off the floor. I've just been cleaning

Can I make a suggestion please, because honestly I think, well, I have, of course read almost every self help book there is, and there is the real effective, like strategy of doing things for only ten minutes. So you sit down, you go, I'm only gonna I'm going to like basically like you're gonna do all your car costs whatever, right right, you just do section by section every morning for ten minutes.

What's my rewarding between sessions? Cigarettes, neighborhood?

You can you can have one cigarette. You can have a cup of hot lemon water for your voice. You can have a third thing that you choose around your home.

Okay, maybe I'll just go on little walks. My neighborhood is all Victorian homes. Maybe we'll also fill this halloween shaped hole in my soul. I I just walk around and look some of these spooky houses, one of them the Thriller House.

Are they all decorated? No?

I was thinking, you know, I'm always thinking of my plan B jobs. What if I went door to door, and I'm like, Hi, I decorate houses for Halloween and I just charged five thousand dollars, bought you know, five hundred dollars in and I.

Just spiderwebbed it up.

I'm starting to realize I don't want to do my new job.

Yeah, because that's like you need a ladder. You're gonna get mad a bunch of different times. Yeah. And also on TikTok there's a woman who was like, I got bored, so I decided to decorate the front of my house. I think people, especially LA people, if they're going to

I would have fun making that. I yes, there'd be moments of frustration, like how where, Oh my god, I have to take back this ladder I borrowed or I poked my eye with a stick. But I do like getting crafty, you know, yes, you do and there's the immediate satisfaction of like, oh, I just made that look cool.

Let me.

I don't get that with adding up receipts.

Can I No, of course you don't. That's like, that's that's why this. As soon as you can, you should just put it all over. When I used to go to a place to get my taxes done, and it really did fill me with all the dread that you are feeling. Yes, I just had all my receipts shoved into a Manila folder and the guy would just pull everything out and then just ask me a question. So it's not like you have to figure everything out to the dime. I don't. It has to be a conversation.

Receipts expire in like I see them turn the shiny translucent pieces of paper.

I've quit.

I haven't had a receipt or kept it. I just look at my bank statement and I go from there, Oh that's fine, yeah my past. Yes, so that's my big receipt. I mean all my expenditures.

I have an idea. Yes please Okay, because you're art based, can you buy yourself and this could be an expense that you write off and it goes it reduces the tax base. What if you went to CBS and you bought one of those packets of like five different color highlighters. Yes, and then you went through your you print your big statement, so you have some hard copies and you go through and you highlight different This is my car expenses, this is my blue blue expenses. This is for show bis.

You're describing exactly what I do on my iPad, except I zoom in because you can pinch and zoom in and I do it. Yeah, everything's color coded, just like you're saying. But I've let my iPad charge up all day, so it's the same concept, but much easier if I just had a dry erase board.

You're right, yeah, yeah, just highlighters in a hard copy. It's almost more art like, because I think when things are on the computer it feels like this far away. It's not as satisfying to be done. You get to the last paper, you slam them all down, you screen fuck you at the ceiling, you celebrate, however.

You Yeah, I punch a hole in a pumpkin. Yeah, I have my whole rootine, but I really I do. I think that you're right also because now when I do my art and illustration on my iPod. I draw on the iPad too, That's how I actually make my art, and it's less fun than getting massy and doing it on paper. I got to go back to hard copy creating.

Just see if you prefer it, because just remember it's a choice, and sometimes that just the tactle. It feels like more of an accomplishment, like here, look, I did that line. It's pink, and that this one's blue. Look at me figuring shit out. Then you put it down for ten minutes and you go back to it for ten minutes. If you're watching TV simultaneously, you like put it down for a little while. But then you can also listen as you do it. You don't have to stare at the teav Oh, this.

Is what I and I always save it tonight at night time because I feel like that's when my brain is operating better because of stand up. I guess, I don't know. Maybe I put everything off to the last minute and that's what I'm doing.

What about this though, because you're there's a lot it feels like there's a lot of self judgment in the way you're talking about.

Yeah, there's a lot of it doesn't want you to judge me right back.

No, because it doesn't work. Beating yourself up isn't going to get it done, because if that did work, I would have never had four years of taxes that I didn't pay attention to. All it is is you have to chip away in the way that you know how, and then turn it over to that person that you're going to give it to or TurboTax.

He gets, he gets, yeah, I just there's so many different states that I have to return tax forms for. I need his help. And he used to work for the I R S. So he he's very helpful in that way.

What looks good or looks bad.

But I yeah, he gets so happy when I have it all itemized for him that I got. I got to keep thinking of him.

Can you print up a little picture of him and put it on your coffee table as you're doing it, and it's like, this is for you, Jerry, this is my work for you.

And yeah, and when I go to do my taxes, I'll have a framed photo of me and I'll put it on his desk and name it at him.

And then even though you're sitting there, you tap on it and you say, think of this guy, think of this guy. Well, you're asking for that money back even though I'm right here.

Also, if your eyes slipped away, like because you're looking at your keyboard and all the paperwork, I'm going to put this down closer to where you're looking in case you don't want to look up at me, like maybe it hurts your neck. I'm also down here, I'm everywhere, and he looks up and it's entire pictures of me at different ages.

You're gonna make it fun for him. You're gonna make it fun for you. You're going to approach it like this is actually could be fun. And I'm a hypocrite for saying all this because I didn't do my taxes for four years.

That's why I brought it up to you. And you're still making me feel better because I forgot about these little breaks I can take. Yes, I'm just going to be saying that.

That's the key I find when I have something that I have to get done, I automatically start doing as like you're saying, you clean your whole house, right you you automatically start doing something else if you know that's what you're going to do. You don't have to pretend this is like a secret that you're doing. Like I learned sometimes if I have to write something, I start writing a second thing so that I can bounce back and forth, and then I don't dislike the first thing.

Yeah, and I have to see little bits of progress to keep knowing m I think dry erase is the way to go.

You mean, like you're gonna put it up on a whiteboard like representative Katie Porter and just like let everybody know.

Red yarn and photos and evidence, and I'm going to solve this tax crime that's happening to me. Yes, yeah, and find out that it's me that's doing the crimes.

You're the one paying a bag for gas every.

Eight day, using five thousand miles of my cars mileage for business. I'm the one that has an office that's not really seventy feet from my living area.

I'm whatever.

There's so many examples. Did I really give money to charity? Or did I throw clothes away and say that I gave them away?

Oh? No? So many times I donated things at Goodwill and the guy that worked there would be like, do you want a receipt? And I'd be like no, And then later on the tax person be like, why would you do that? That's like that is like you one hundred and fifty dollars right off, and I'd just be like, because I don't play by the rules. Yeah, because I'm so different. And then you spray paint your name on.

The wall where the backwards are because you don't give a fuck.

Yeah, and a screampunk rock. Oh. Also, don't forget to use your timer when you're doing your ten or fifteen minute increments, because then it'll show you how quickly time passes.

Yes, and then I won't get you know, distracted. Every two minutes. I'm like the time going.

I got to do this.

I'm going to do fifteen minute inquipments. Yeah, okay, you feel better about You've actually made me feel a lot better. It's a daunting thing, and I miss the deadline. I just feel dumb for that. Oh while I make.

Mine does though everyone does.

Yeah, I yeah, I'm I'm not. I'm just my general ability to postpone things till the last minute. I really want to outgrow that. But I think I'm done growing. I'm I'm an adult man. I'm actually getting shorter five to nine going on five eight.

And you can write that off. That's good.

I can write off one whole inch.

Yes, yes, that's worth five hundred. Well. Update.

The lizard came out the tail. That's lizard. While I was making my bed, he ran out, and I'm not kidding. He just was standing in my living room and he looked at me. I know I've talked about this with turtles, but he looked me at my face and I saw his little eyes. And he hung out by the door, and I walked by him, and he didn't scurry away, and I opened the door and he ran out.

He knew you were his friend.

He grabbed no newspaper and he brought it to me.

He said, he said, it was fun to curl up on your shoulder last night as you slept, and you're like, what.

Have you thought about gating life insurance? Again, that's a joke from last episode. Remember that's a tag to the last week.

That's for the og din our heads, the dinosaurs that are there and can I sleep over? That's what podcasts are for.

Yeah, it's like Airbnb, but conversations. But he was really cute and a lot bigger than I thought. And how much bigger? Show with your hands? Uh like a penis length?

Ah?

Good one, but no that's what the tail was gone. Yeah, yeah it's pretty big.

Yeah you mean that's torso alone. You weren't you weren't, Like, No, that's adding tip.

The nose to back of the stump, detached area to detach area, that's scene of the crime. Before I left, I did a little cute little chalk outline.

But he'll be so take your tail with you, son of a bit.

Yeah, yeah, take your tail, don't you? Let your tail hit you on the way out, and then I throw his tail at him.

And hit him, and then he puts his hat on, and then it's the theme to the odd Couple starts up.

My favorite is a worm. It starts raining and a worm gets all excited to go on a walk because they like the rain. He's like, I'm gonna go for a stroll, honey, And he has a little hat and a little bow tie. What's the kid's book where the worm had a bow tie?

That's the Richard Scary Book, or like Busy Town.

Yeah, yeah, you know that. I know what I'm talking about.

Absolutely all those things, those memories from childhood. This is another funny thing. Not to talk about my sister so much, but she also, being a first grade teacher, is still around all the books that we had when we were in the seventies. So every once in a while she did it to me today. She'll just send me, like, remember like those sid Hoff books, Like she'll send me a picture of the Like there was one where it was a dinosaurs don't dinosaurs don't grab or something like that.

Okay, was he did he do the Everybody Poops book?

No? Okay, fine, hold on, let me. I'm going to look it up and tell you exactly what books he wrote. Okay.

I got a note from Onalise that it's Danny and the Dinosaur.

Yes, yes, thank you, only see.

That's producer and and thank me for the first time ever recognizing the chat. Usually I'm bad at multitasking, but in this preparation of doing my tax says, I find that I can carry a lot. Also, I'm on Adderall and Ridley.

What now you never told me?

I do know that Adderall makes me a superhero, so I guess that means I need it. Okay, So what's the book?

Well, no, I was just There's a Thunderhoof that's about a horse Julius who's a gorilla. There's Danny and the Dinosaur, where a boy basically just gets a dinosaur and then walks around town saying fuck you to people because he has a dinosaur. It's pretty great.

Don't forget Amy's Dinosaur.

Wait can you see?

Oh no, why is it blurry? It's thinking it's your blurry background.

Oh oh did I blur the background? Oh that was me the other night before while we were Yeah, Stephen went through and were like, hey, look at all these things you can do, and basically like changed our backgrounds. I like it. I didn't realize I was still blurred. That was purely just to show myself that I could do it.

It's funny because yesterday, when you had it that way, I put on my reading glasses and I was like, well, these don't work anymore. But it's just yeah, it's your your blurry background.

I like it.

I oftentimes when we're talking, I get distracted by the hard edges of your couch and pillars.

By the completely blank wall behind me in absolutely no decorations. Some people really really decorate for the zoom shot. Yeah.

I mean I kind of got blamed for that with my outdoorsy wallpaper, but I assured everyone, no, I did this before I knew the world was becoming so private. You know.

Yeah, but you got blamed. Who blamed you?

There's a lot of finger pointing during these zoom comedy shows. Oh look at Chris he paid for wallpaper to make up for his jokes not being finished. A lot of finger pointing.

I can't believe they said that out loud to you. Yeah.

Yeah, well they thought their chat, they thought their audio was off. The audiences like, ah, look at this bullshit wallpaper.

And you started crying. You said, I wish I was back with the surfers. Yeah, I was back in Insignia. At least they.

Were silently judging me. I think they actually no, no, I think they were actually mad because I said I don't surf. I'm scared of surfing. If I said the line about it feels like falling off a roof and having the house chase you. But they they were like, oh, well then you don't belong to this part of town.

They screamed poser and said get out. Yeah.

And I'm like ice skate jerks, okay, And I'm not talking longboards.

I can balance on things with other boys.

That's what I did for most of the show, just on one leg, plates a pencil on the tip of my.

Nose, just kind of a real hard lean to the right. Yeah, look at that.

I could be in a V eight commercial. They weren't impressed.

They don't care, but I was gonna say, I think it's really it's very impressive and telling, like there's so many people doing comedy that there's a subgenre of stand up surfers. These kind of amazing.

Two of the guys I know from when I worked at Fuel TV as professional.

Surfers and that's how I got They say, hey, do.

You want We're doing this comedy show, and they all had jokes and it was good to see them. But they've retired from surfing and getting into the lucrative world of stand up comedy.

Yeah, yeah, why, I.

Mean, it's the same rush.

You paddle out, that's the setup.

You stand at the crest of the waves. Yeah, that's the middle part of the joke. Yes, and then you get held under water under a coral reef. That's the punchline. It's just like dangerous surfing.

You get held under a coral reef that's been tucked under it. That's what I think.

Even when I'm in Venice, I think I'm gonna end up under a coral reef, being held under while being stung by a spiny underwater glow in the dark spiny fish.

In your surfing days, have you ever seen a big fish or a creature near you?

Yeah, in Oregon, I was out there with little but they're little sea otters, like sweet little guys that are like Hi, I'm basically a dog seeler. It's pretty cute, like little face with whiskers coming up to say, hey, the how's the surf? Sorry, I don't know a lot of the human words. I'm embarrassed by. Yeah, it in Oregon. There's a lot. And I think that's why there's more sharks there too, like in cold water. And you know this from like they surf under the Golden gate Bridge.

Nor cowbaby nor cow baby fucking black trucks and have your socks all the way.

Pulled to the top. Don't forget your flat brimmed hat because we're about to get metal militia on your ass.

Sorry.

That see, that's who I should have been on stage. Yes, I should have been nor cal specific.

You're just like you're like me when we used to do that show with April Richardson at the Improv Lab, and I would get on stage and say comedy is over, and then people would be bummed and I'd be like, oh, I didn't do very well. It's like stop telling people to not like you. Don't get on stage and be like here's our differences. Here's what's not gonna work. They don't like it. They wanted everyone to be the same. They want unity. Yeah I did.

Oh, I was you and it y for the first part of my set.

But then as they started that's Queen Latifa. Sorry, I had to do it. I had to make the reference.

But then when they were actually leaving, I had to address our differences as they went out the door. Well, yeah, it had to be addressed. I had for the people that remain there, like, why is this happening? Why are people leaving? It's not me, it's our differences driving you out. They love the ocean. I'm a land lubber.

Ocean's only.

That's where you meet mermaids for dating.

There was some video that I saw surely on TikTok and it was like people are surfing and then this camera goes underwater and there's seals swimming along with them. They just kind of don't know yet because they're like in the wave. O. Wow.

My dad's cousin who we used to drive down to visit all of his cousins and my great Grandma in San Diego. We'd drive all the way from Montana in a hot air conditionless buckless Saber and his cousin Bill, who was such a sweet man and taught me how to get up on a surfboard when I was young.

Wow. And I just shout out to Bill, Bill, did you call him uncle Bill or cousin Bill?

I just called him mister Wilson. And then I shot him with a slip shot.

I've heard of you guys.

Yeah, they were really cool. And there there was all this talk of like, hey, let's switch houses. We want to go to Montana when it's sub zero and be in your cold house, and we're like, uh, fucking you're welcome to it.

It never happened. Yeah, it didn't work out.

The house swap never worked.

They didn't mean it. I think they did.

We just I don't know. I think my whole family is if you offer us something, we won't accept it. I was I was raised to say no to any handouts or favors or offers for help. Yeah.

Yeah, that's that's a shame that brings dishonor to your ancestors.

Yes, yes, oh god, I can't do that to Christopher Fairbank, my distant acting relative over in London, England, and other relatives.

I have a thing where like I I know that people do this. It's very much like how I would never send food back at a restaurant. Yeah no, I've never seen anyone do it. I've never That's not what my family does.

I lie under the table if someone at my table does it right.

And it's people that work in kitchens are like, people do it all the time. You absolutely should do it. They want you to have the best meal possible. But it's like I distinctly remember, I'm sure I've told you the story being in San Francisco with my parents and when I was like eight years old and we went to a restaurant in North Beach and it was we had to kind of pick it randomly because we were like it was we were waiting to go somewhere we decided to go to dinner. It was a random choice.

Didn't Yeah, James Corden just got outed for something like that.

I just read about it.

I was like I read it and I'm like, well, that's what people do. They are like want everything to be perfect at a restaurant. But yeah, it doesn't seem to me like that's a poor person thing. But my family does the same stuff. We were at at Applebee's and she it wasn't a hair in her foot. It was like someone took a clump of hair off of a off of a brush. It was like, someone, fuck this job. I quit and shoved it in her pasta.

It's it's just well, Also, I think I think stuff like that is like you need the experience. I think it's like my parents were raised. They never went out to dinner, they never went out to restaurants as growing up. That just wasn't like something they got to do, so they want to act like their idea of what the best guest at a restaurant would act like that, and it's all made up where it's just like, you know, you have to I remember one time this was heartbreaking

Really outside of your house.

Well yeah, because I don't like red sauce. It's a whole thing. I'm very picky. And I was just like, oh, yeah, just some spaghetti with some parmesan cheese on it. Yeah. Well, I put the parmesan cheese on the spaghetti and I'm tasting it. It doesn't taste right, but I'm just like, oh, this is all I have, and so I try to take like two more bites. Eventually I realize some it was the parmesan cheese that stayed on the table all the time. So some asshole fucked around and put sugar

Oh my god, I just had that done to me at the Someone did took the time to loosen the top of the pepper. Yes, and I got my favorite and I pod a whole thing of pepper on it. And guess what, I didn't say shit, I stooped it off.

I scooped off what I could.

I mixed it up and I had extra peppery bowl of beans and rice or whatever I had ordered.

In this day and age, you can say it. You can be like, hey, someone loosen this like they would be.

I was so hungry that I'm like, fuck it.

I like pepper. I like pepper.

Let's do the viral pepper challenge.

Make it work. Don't sneeze while you eat this thing.

Honestly, it wasn't that bad. I do like pepper.

I like pepper too, I think honestly, for a long time, I was just like, parmesan cheese and pasta is kind of best case scenario for me. Then suddenly, you know, in the last ten, fifteen years or whatever it's all about. When you go to a fancy Italian restaurant, caccio de peppe, which is literally that exact dish, but it's Italian and it's better because an actual chef makes it. Wait, what is it? It's caught, it's I don't know. It just means I think it just means spaghetti with parmesan cheese

Yeah, Okay, I'm getting hungry, I know.

I think that's why we're talking about that.

Do you think I should put off my taxes to make a large meal?

Yes, but you can only make the meal for ten minutes at a time, and then you have to go do some highlighting.

And then I can only take ten bites you're right now. Thank you for helping me with that.

That is what I'm going to do.

I'm going to do it right when we're done into the night, I'm going to have a.

Party with it. It's going to be great. Well. Also, I think being allowed to take breaks, and also you can actually tell yourself, like whatever your internal monologue is, you can also then go okay, I heard you, thanks and then just do it. That's what like, I think that's what like the grindy, you know, achievers do where it's like as creatives, which is something I loved that. John Gaber said when we recorded with him, it was yesterday, but for this episode it'll be.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's pretend think. But overnight I watched five episodes of his show, and last until I I couldn't stop laughing. They are so there's sweet moments watch a one hundred and one.

US party party before you die on the I bit my tongue. I was so excited. God damn Sharp Molers so good, right is it? Aren't They just the most two of the most delightful people.

As you watch, I love their friends party and I love that Visually it is just a travel and food show, but they say the gnarliest thing the whole when they're eating it, and it made me want to go to Denver and go to all those places I've already eaten at that that mortuary or crematorium that is now a restaurant. And the jokes they made were like the same as Jopes I made there to myself as alone. But whatever

It's so it's the two of them are such natural funny people, but not you know sometimes, I mean, I think we can be like this. Our friends are like this, where when you're stand up comic, you're so you I should just speak for myself. I love my ideas, so I'll fucking say it four times if I think you didn't hear me, and IM like, I'll hit it really hard or whatever. When they're hanging out and they're being funny,

But when there's a funny thing that one of them says, they definitely reward each other with laughter. Oh yeah, and uh it's in fact, if you like this podcast, because Karen and I are such brilliant conversationalists and friends, you will like that show.

One Places to Party. But I swear of got it was the the first day that I watched it. It put me into a good mood because I felt like I was traveling and I felt like I was hanging out with people.

It's what it did to me yesterday. I was like, I'm on vacation. I'm not going to fucking start my taxes for real.

Also, it made me feel like I was friends with John Gabris when I and then when he was on this podcast. I'd never met him before, but I was like, I know this guy. Yeah, I love this guy.

Yeah, I do feel like both him and Adam Pally are my friends. Yeah, it's I would do that thing that I've done many times before. Or once Josh Brolin was jogging by and I was on the beach like wondering my hip hurt for a while I was running on the sand. I think that's what rubbed off the last of my cartilage. But he was running by, and he's not Josh Berlin's short. He's my height, which was surprising, and his head was shaved, so it was just a

He stopped.

He seemed very interested in the fact that I was saying high.

Yeah, you tricked him, That's what I did.

It was magic comes in so many forms, and I tricked him.

But there is something You're right. The kind of people you know who's like this, of course, is Flanagan who runs Largo when you first meet him. Because I I am so self conscious and so self aware and such an overthinker. When I first meet people, especially if I care in any way about the relationship or if they like me or whatever, it is awkward and weird and

That's done that since day one, and it's it's effortless. I am like, oh, yeah, we are friends. I've been around him once. What did he just do to me? Is it witchcraft. It is Irish witchcraft. Yeah, he's very good at it. And now I miss him.

I know I do too. I told him I was going.

To go to Large.

He's still alive, he's still with us, but he works all the time. I was going to go to Largo just to see him and then go see because Grantly Phillips was playing Who Is the Greatest? But yeah, yeah, Then I like literally woke up the next day like, oh shit, I was supposed to do that, you know, not happened. I care, but not that much. That's my problem.

Were you afraid that he would say, do you want to get on stage? You're up in five minutes, and you wouldn't know how to say no to him because of his kind face.

A Well, I don't think, not really, because I think I'm so out of practice. He would have been like, sounds good because he knows I haven't done sets and so long. He's actually asked me to do a couple, and I just it's like, yeah, I just work too much to I can't put a set together from home. Yeah, And I work too much to go start doing sets. And honestly, when I was doing sets before, like I

Yeah, you're right, you're right. I don't want to be that person either, but I'm going to ask him for some stage time.

That being well, and also you should, but also you're not that person because you actually do sets in your headliner. There's there's a big difference.

Well, thank you, but I felt that lately I have not been doing the work. And it's the same reason you can tell when someone famous, even and they'll have a Netflix special, they've been doing all their writing from a private facility, like you know someone training for Olympic gymnastics no one near them, or you know Rocky working out in a barn.

You have to be if it would be hard if you were.

Chris Rock or someone though, and just go do sets somewhere, like where does that guy practice where.

Yeah he has to do like secret drop ins at the cellar. Yeah, you know, I guess, yeah, But I also think that at that at a certain point, you know how it goes, you know what I mean. So it's like I think, yeah, I don't know. There's also some people who have like ultra constant confidence that is baffling to me.

Yeah, I just don't know that I've seen anyone that is above needing to practice. Everyone loses that would stand up.

I don't know.

That's why I like it so much. It's so damn hard.

It's really hard, and when like, I would love to do it again just because I would love to get good again. Would be an amazing love for you to do it again.

We've been told about your visitation. Wait, what's that Someone opened the door right, yes, oh yes.

Melissa just Losa just dropped up. Okay, But she this is the thing that breaks my heart about Blossom because she is a Oh she smells so good. She smells so good because she is you know, adopted or whatever, and she would at a foster home before she was here. Every time she leaves this house, she thinks she's being brought somewhere else, or given away like it kills me,

Yes, understood.

Also she's like, she gets greasy because it's just the weird her weird wire hair terrier. Yeah, yeah, it gets Greek, real greasy. So now she's soft like a little sky.

Yeah, it's those greasy short hairs that though are the dogs still pet the shit.

Out of them?

But then I have to hold my hands like a surgeon who just washed and and and rub my hand. I'm very allergic to short haired dogs. I wish I wasn't, but I'm.

Not allergic to the lizards. I wonder if he'll come back.

I wonder if he'll ever come back.

What if he comes back wearing a little dog hair coat? Would that? What would you do.

That I've been on vacation. I bought this dog hair coat. I do want him to come back, but I don't know there was nothing wrong with him living here, And feel bad I opened the door and kicked him out.

Well, I think he needs to be outside. That's where his friends are, that's where his food is.

I mean I got bugs in here, do you?

Yeah?

Oh, man place, he's riddled with all kinds of bugs.

I wanted to tell you this earlier when we were talking about creepy stuff. So my sister taught me not to talk about my sister all the time.

She's pretty talking about my sister.

We've got our sisters. We love our sisters. It's sister time. Yes, well, sister chat my sister. When she buys strawberries from the grocery store, she soaks them in water for like an hour before she rinses them and puts them in the refrigerator. And she does this because she saw a video on TikTok where you do it. And sometimes there's a little, tiny tiny worms in the strawberries and they come out in the water and then you can rinse everything off and you don't have those little man.

I mean, if we all worried about the tiny tiny bugs, I mean, if you put scratch your face and put your fingernails under a microscope, there will be just a thousand sand crabs. Yeah, you know, there's all I'm just gonna go ahead and keep eating tiny worms.

Well, no, your system is made for you to eat tiny worms. That's like, it's how we are as people. But here's the thing. So I got some strawberries. So I was like, I'm going to be like my sister and soak these. And I soaked them and then rinsed them and then left them on the counter. And then they got moldy in like two days because there was too much water on them. Yes, I can't handle anything.

Okay, you sold me on getting out of my lifestyle of tiny worm eating.

It was crazy.

Oh my god.

What because they were they got to basically spend a little time. I'll send you this video.

Wait, do you think the worms are just hanging out on the surface or are they emerging from within the strawberry? Because that I can't handle a surface. Okay, Well, I was about to blame strawberries and fruit in general. I will get scurvy if it means I can avoid. I don't know what scurvy is, but I don't want to eat any more worms.

No, no, well you don't know when you're eating the worms. But this felt very It was almost like next level of like I don't want to be involved in anything that ends up in this. Wait, let me just super quick send you this video, okay? Or do you not want to see it? As it too creepy?

Uh no, I would look, it's Halloween. Send me the I'm going to show you my new friend extracting a attic nerve.

Okay, it's just a nine second video. I'm sending you shocking.

Okay, it's coming. I'm watching. Okay, are you fucking kidding me?

See how big is this puddle? Tiny? At the end?

I tip, Oh, those are just on strawberries. Yeah, organic strawberries, I presume, yes, organic. Oh god, it's like an advertisement for pesticides. And now I'm gonna a chemical aisle only.

But here's the thing, when you can't believe that the reason they were on the counter like that, they look like little eetles. I know, but that's the soaking gets them out. That's why they were on the counter because because I got rid of them. I'm sold.

I'm just gonna soak strawberries right before I put them in my face. Wow, that is actually a horrifying video you've sent me because it's not Sorry, that's small of a puddle. You you zoom out and in the background I can see that they're actually, you know, very noticeable, mid size.

I just walked up and that was what was happening on my counter, and then I was like, well, I need to capture this in some way because that's not good. That's absolutely I just sent you a follow up picture to kind of cleanse your.

Okay, is it going to be of a puppy?

How did I guess it? Oh my god, I zoomed in and the dog has worms. No, it shouldn't have been a photo of it. Inner ear.

Yeah, No, that's a that's a clean, groomed, healthy little dog.

They always put like a little scarf on the dog once she's clean, which is very cute. Yeah, but I have to take them off because I think it's so you.

Know, people that think your dog's a train robber. Okay, I'm going to do it. I'm going to start my taxes. I'm going to open up my receipts, and I'm going.

To remember, Yeah, it's not about perfection, It's just about eventually getting it done and how fun it'll feel once you're done.

Okay, I'm going to let you the music. I'll periodically get up and dance to the music I'll be playing.

There you go.

Now, I'm going to turn this into a tax form dance party.

Also, highlight a line and then try to write a joke about what's in the line, so you're like gasoline fifty eight dollars and then it's like, guys, have you noticed gas prices? Oh?

You know what, that's not a bad idea.

Right, Yeah, that can be your second task.

Because I do some tax jokes. Yes, wouldn't it be nice if I had one for each category of deduction?

Yes, it's time for a tax chunk.

Yeah, and just do a whole set and start doing private corporates for accountants.

Yes, they will fucking love it.

All, doing cruise ships. I'll be doing seminars in Vegas. Yes, it sounds awful.

Guys, do you ever try to write off makeup and then remember you don't wear makeup? And then you just hold the mic out to the audience as they fucking go insane, screaming, laughing. This one knows what I'm talking about. Hey, plane face, Hey hey, do you have the flu? Or are you just not wearing the makeup that you wrote off? None of this is making sense right now, but this is just a placeholder for what you're going to do.

It's hard to to hear jokes from our new accounting sets without you have to actually be there.

But they need to be Yeah, we need an audience. We need to know I'm not going to do the makeup bit. But that's basically what you're looking at is kind of like a weird little record of your life where you can literally go through and remember that day I bought that thing. Oh, that was that day, here's the bit, where's the bit out of that day? I'm not kidding.

It is like going on a little, uh, you know, memory lane of the past year. I remember that sandwich, right, Oh, I remember those shorts that didn't fit. I sent those back and you're going to deduct them.

Did you ever eat a Portobello sandwich? So big your shorts don't fit? Zoom Like Truly, these taxes write themselves. It's so stupid. We're way over we did our we did.

We did, we did our illegal obligation and we had fun solo episodes and the fun doing it.

They're breezy. I feel like we just had a party, easy and breezy.

Well, good to see you again, friend, I'll see you again soon.

Wonderful you been listening? Do you need a ride? D y n hey or.

This has been an exactly right production.

Produced by Analie Nelson.

Mixed by John Bradley.

Our talent booker is Patrick Kottner.

Theme song by Karen koberret.

Artwork by Chris Fairbanks. Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at dinar podcast That's d.

Y n Ar Podcast. For more information, go to Exactlyrightmedia dot com.

Thank you well, You're welcome, Hong Kong