S3 - Ep. 37 - Laurie Kilmartin

Are you leaving?

I you want your way back home?

Either way, we want to be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and they terminol and gay a, we want to send you.

Off INSTI you wanna welcome you back home?

Tell us all about it.

We scared her?

Was it fine?

Malcorn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do your need you ride? Do you need.

With Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need a ride? This is Chris Fairbanks.

And this is Karen Kilgarriff.

Hello, my friend Karen.

Hell, hello my friend Chris.

Yeah, that was just a glitch with the Yeah, I didn't pause. That was an audio glitch.

That was an internal emotional glitch.

Yeah, that was just an audio glitch in the voice that tucks to my brain and tells my mouth what to do.

It was like start, stop, stop, start again.

You know what I started doing that I should have stopped right. This looks I'm going to show you a bottle.

It looks.

I thought this was like that mist that is like rosewater that you spray in your face because it's in my niece's I'm in my niece's bedroom and I just sprayed un sanitizer on my eyes.

It was face spray and it was handsome.

Yeah. Yeah, you got to read labels, is my point. It kind of burned. It was wearing.

Your horn room glasses actually block that from blinding you.

You know they did good.

Yeah, away, you cleaned your glasses a little bit.

Yeah, yeah, you know what it was for the best, you know. That's my point is it's okay to make mistakes because sometimes they're happy accidents, as bob Ra.

Yes, yeah, as long as you're wearing your safety goggles, that's the key. Yeah. Yeah, Always mistakes are allowed as long as you have the proper facewear. I have to apologize because I literally just got off my therapy appointment and flipped right over to this record. She was like, we have to finish on time today and I looked up and it was like four oh one. I was like, oh, I gotta go.

Get for a timing way. I thought you felt you had been over sharing so.

Far, no, no literal, you're in therapy. Therapy, And then I just was like, okay, gotta go do my comedy podcast, which I actually think is a good way to start.

Oh yeah, getting a little closer than knowing yourself right before you do podcasts.

It's a great tenderizing the soul a tad before we get into one of the probably one of the greatest conversations we will ever have with our guests today.

I mean, it's always, you know, I can tell when it's going to be a good one, and it's just I can feel.

It when the initial hi, how are you clap moment happens and you're just like, the electricity is here.

Yeah, yeah, and it's white hot, and it looks like it might be here to stay even after we're done recording. I mean, I could tell from our chit chat in the beginning that the rest of the day, I mean, I got I'm gearing up. My brother in law's having his retirement party tonight. There is a fire Oh my god type decorations.

You're going to be glowing from this conversation.

Well, I'm gonna be.

I I feel like I'm going to be meeting real men tonight and they're gonna shake my dainty little hand and squeeze it a little too hard. But other than that, I'm really looking forward to it. I have tiny hands, and I find a lot of when they should people shake my hands, they train squeeze the knuckles together.

Here's the thing, especially with firemen, you can't bring that level of insecurity into the handshake. They'll feel it, they'll know it, and they'll crush you.

So what if I go what if I axo insecure? I go up and hide in a tree like a cat.

In the living room.

Yeah, I've seen them. I've seen them take to that quite well.

Yes, go hide and stare with really wide eyes as the firemen in the living room.

But just my sister's the largest plant, I'll scale it.

Get up on the back of that couch and just let them know you're there and scared.

And before we bring our guests on today, who I'm very excited about one of my favorite people that I just.

Want to warn you.

There is a brand new hitting in this room that could reveal itself at any moment. And just so you know, it's not an ugly one. Okay, Yeah, So you know that's just a visual that I'm warning you about.

Because that's always good for podcasting.

That's perfect for podcasting. Our guest today is played Clubs and colleges all over the country at colleges, mostly colleges. She just realized what we're doing. She was a headliner when I started in San Francisco, one of my early heroes. But I didn't get to talk to her that much because, as we've discussed, she would just drive home after her sets. She never drank and never hung out. And that's all I did right to get good at comedy was hangout at the bar. She has a podcast herself, more than

Oh my go, thank you. This is very exciting. I did you know I am a bore at a nightclub. But I like your positive spin. But yeah, I do my set and then I leave before I develop any connection with other people.

I think it was the right thing to do in retrospect, the healthy thing to do, because I in Austin where you just immediately show up and you're drinking beer and smoking and eating bowls of cheese. It's like an occupational hazard that you want to hang out. And I fell

I had only opened for like strange men that made me feel weird, and you're like a totally normal person.

It seemed like had a healthy life, and which was reassuring because I was just getting into stand up, So yeah, you know what's weird?

Like I just worked on the road in Ohio with a two women and they're both Midwest comics and they never get to work with women, and they were both like, this is so strange.

To not like walk into the green room with.

Like your armor on because you feel like someone's gonna, you know, say something dodgy and you have to come up with it, come back and prove you're cool and stuff like that.

So yeah, you have to do it just perfectly so that you also let them know you're not cool with them saying that to you. But you're also not uncool, like you're gonna be a bitch, and they're real. It's a real you.

Gotta be a hot ballbuster, yeah, to get the guys too to still not hire you for their shows, but still not say anything bad about.

You, right, just really, I don't know how how seeing the release date is for this, but like I think the.

Dane Cook Game Night picture came out and everyone's sort of pouring over like it seems like a lot of adult men and a lot of teenage girls for game Night.

I don't know what it is, and I.

Hope everyone had a good time and a consensual, consensual fun.

This is a new photo that is just oh gosh, or maybe it's.

It's resurfaced, I guess because of the attention to his engagement and say and congratulations and good luck of his girlfriend of five years who is you would think thirty or thirty five, but she's twenty three, So she's twenty three. When I do twenty three minus five, I get right right on the margin. Year.

Sounds legal to me, sounds good.

It's a real Jerry Lee Lewis situation.

It's a truly barely legal Oh my gosh. It seems to be the dream that.

Is a god that he was one of the comics I worked with in Houston when he wasn't yelling at me for not being on MySpace, because that's kind of like where he got big.

It was.

It was one of those that was one of the comics where I felt uncomfortable or like I was ill at ease. And my point is you made me feel at ease and you're a nice person, and I think that was my whole point.

So those kind of comics also make some male comics filities too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, not to the extent. Yeah, I never felt well.

It also feels like in the green room the bar is so low for correct normal behavior that it's like, I think if you really pulled everybody aside separately, everyone would feel ill at ease because it's a bunch of kind of like what I've observed over the years is very maladjusted either nerds who have figured out like the

Yeah, yeah, it's weird.

I've also noticed like like I'll have I'll be like the the more experienced comic on a like a Bringer show or something, or a newer where the other comics are newer, and they're so they talk about their set like after the set happens, they talk about it with.

Each other, they pour over it, and it's it's this weird nervous.

Energy that I that I remember having had once, I guess, but I'm like it still exists, you guys. It's so strange to just be like, oh, the thing I finished and already put out of my head, you're gonna listen to it immediately and go over it and talk about it.

So strange to me.

Yeah, I never did do that. I never did record and listen or I just forgot about it. And even from the I wonder if that that's a sign of someone being a hard worker.

I just never did that stuff.

Well.

Also, opening yourself up, I feel like because I started in nineteen ninety, that was not allowed, Like you could not show that level of fear or concern. Like that wasn't chill and cool, So you couldn't do that. People would mock you until you died. Basically, if you did something like that, what did you think of my third joke? People be like, oh, fuck yourself, like buppies, you'd be ripped apart.

You didn't think I watched your set, now you I heard.

You quacking from back here, and I knew I didn't want to watch yourself.

I'm that makes me happy that I started in Austin, because everyone was pretty supportive and nice until the local contest.

Was that was it apart?

Yeah, the funniest person in Austin came around. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's to the point. But yeah, I think when I moved to LA I noticed like, wait, I thought that was my friend and they're being mean and trying to make me look at like why is it competitive to just be in the bar at mbar? Like what I that was new that's city, that's city, comedy, big city.

Maybe it wasn't Bay Area thing, Karen where Yeah, you couldn't act like to impressed or interested in your own act in front of people, right, Like I remember when Madonna started calling herself an artist and I'm like what, and now everyone does.

My son calls himself an artist. I'm yeah, all right, you're an artist like.

Everyone everyone just uses these sort of words that were mockable where we came up.

I think, yeah, well you know when we when I first moved down, because I think you moved down after that first influx of what people. I moved in ninety four and then a bunch of people moved like the next year, Yeah, did you move in the nineties.

I moved to New York in ninety eight.

Oh yes, okay, you went East coast. So like when we first moved down, there was like a kind of a big group of comics that had all people from all over, but there was definitely a large contention of Bay Area comics like Blaine and Patten, Me, Brian Postsa, there was a whole bunch of us, Laura Mill and Greg Bars.

Greig barent Yet like everyone and Margaret.

Laura and Margaret went first, so they were kind of like the scouts that were like, yeah, we got we got a house. Now there's a place to like base this. But Kathy Griffin used to call us the tough like, oh, you're from San Francisco, tough customer, tough. Wow, it should kind of make fun of everybody because that was it was that thing of like everyone was trying so hard

Yeah wow for those people.

Yeah, that's weird because I went to New York and the people that that established a bulk head there were Lank no excuse me, Jim Earle, not Barry Lank, Jim Earle and Ray James and Don Perotto. Those were the Oh somebody had an apartment of Williamsburg and that. Oh and Steve Rosenfield because they were working on The Daily Show.

I think with Kiln too.

Yeah, so that was like, you do need a couple of comics to do it first and let you know it's okay from whatever you're scene.

As I think, Yeah, from your hometown.

Yeah, you started in the Bay Area then, Mari.

Yeah, I started in eighty seven and I was from Walnut Creek, so I lived with my parents and just kind of went on the road and did one night or did whatever I could, you know, until ninety eight, and then I moved to New York and sort of got a day job and started just like getting into the New York scene, which is so different.

Yeah, I just so different.

I'm so impressed with you still that you've always had like a rite, Like I've known you to be on writing on Conan for all those years and you're a mom and I would see you. There was nights where I'd have like three sets and I thought, oh, I'm really doing it. I'm putting in the work, and you were at each one of my shows. Did you find

Yeah you are. You are a hard worker that always has made it work a lot of people.

If you get a writing job, the first thing I would do, I think, is quit going out to do stand up every night.

That's my point, tempting.

I mean, I'm so glad I didn't because that's how I'm making money right now because I haven't. You know, I haven't had a writing job since October. So yeah, I'd be in a full panic if I quit stand up.

Yeah, you like you still like it, That's that's the I do.

Yeah, it's still me too, so fun, you know, to figure stuff out and try to And Plus I feel like there's so many like bad comics now that I feel like, if you you're good and you have good sensibilities, you're obligated to stay in it because you're needed.

You're very necessary.

Yeah, very good point.

I just know there's still this lingering potential for me where I could get really good and some with it. I gotta stake it.

If I just see what happens.

I just would chat with someone about my sets afterwards.

I can't tell you how many times I've recorded. I've taken the mini tape recorder, recorded my set and never listened to it. I never even looked at it again. We're just like, what's that going to do for me?

Yeah? My whole phone.

It's dating back to twenty fifteen, sixteen, the beginning of iPhones. I have never listened to any of them. I make sure they transfer every time I get a new phone, because.

One day I'll want to hear my own.

Oh yeah, what that joke was really bad in the beginning stages. Thank you twenty fifteen.

You could hire someone to transcribe all of those I like. Then you're like, it's a book.

Yeah, yeah, I'll just go get an intern somewhere, and then you need.

To hire someone to read them, and then you just need to hire someone to be you, because it's.

So painful to look backwards too.

But yeah, I have like I have no room storage on my phone because I'm afraid to delete any of these voice memos in case they're they have the magic key, but they don't, and I won't find it anyway because I won't listen to it.

So I've really trapped myself.

People make fun of you, but my new phone is half a terabyte. Oh my gosh, it's like my first external hard drive is basically this fart. Oh my god, Laurie, I have you're a former competitive collegiate swimmer. Every time, I have so much lake water in my ear right now and now it's starting to hurt, and I've put these swimmers ear drops.

Are you asking a question?

I am.

I'm leading up to it. You can see my voices.

I've tried the swimmers drop, which is like alcohol, and then the waxy drops.

It's how what do I do?

Now?

I think that's almost never had swimmers here, you know.

See, that's why you're a swimmer.

Do you wear a cap? Do you wear? Yeah?

No, I when I swim in a pool, I wear a lot of embarrassing things. That's anorkel.

Uh.

Yes, it goes up the middle as Michael Phelps's signature on it. And those are good ones and flippers. Yeah, it is a good it's Helps with lung capacity. But no, I was just swimming in a lake and it's become I can't hear. It's just I wonder what you usually do?

That seems alarming. But I would start wearing a cap, okay, and see how that?

Would you wear a cap in a lake?

Yes, I would. I would wear gogles, yeah, yeah, yeah?

Do you wear a hat with pajamas? A pointy hat? A cap? When you sleep?

Well? I build a candle up in a dark hallway. Ever, there's like you can answer waste questions separately or together.

Are you being haunted by any of the old people you work with on Conan that have passed?

Are you up an eezer?

Screw?

That's there were a couple questions.

I guess maybe my my baseline question, which I should have asked earlier, is what what's your cap look like? Does it have flowers on it? Does it have accouterments? Because I'm thinking just a lycra cap, like a you know, competitive swimmer.

Cap wool I I normally when I'm doing laps, I wear my black Speedo with a Speedo logo.

I have to mention that it gives Speedo gives me money.

No, I was just at a lake, trying a new thing, and I was falling repeatedly, and I think that's why. I think it's the rushing of water. Suddenly in my ear, you were falling in the water. Yes, I was trying to do this thing called a hydrofoil, which is a you prop.

It on a dock and then you run towards it and jump on it.

And it's got It's basically a surfboard on a stick with fins at the bottom which are dangerously razor sharp carbon fiber fins.

I was very worried about cutting myself. And then you pump on it.

And you ride on it like three feet above the water, so it's a board, Oh my god. But it never touches the water and it's very difficult. And then I looked at videos of people that are good at it, and it looks like a pogo stick. It's a styleless sport. It doesn't even look good. But I'm addicted to it now. And that's what I kept falling.

And what have you?

Two?

Just start snoring. I just heard like the two muppets on Sesame Street, those conjoined muppets.

I'm going by. My initial recommendation is that you wear a cap.

If you're like in the Olympics and you're wearing one of those like super you know again, Michael Phelps like caps that keeps water out of your ears. They actually seal so that water can't go in there.

It's never a complete seal, but it's it covers the whole lot pretty well.

But that's not what it's for. It's usually just to keep your hair down and so your.

Goggles will stick the cap also as right, but I think that's an outcome that happens additionally, is that you won't get water in your ear.

I get I hear you because I I'm like, it's certainly a swimming cap doesn't keep your hair dry.

It gets under there.

I have noticed if I really pull it down it will cover my ears, and I'm like, well that it's not going to keep water out of your ears, but it'll keep it from rushing in if you do a backwards flop and slap the side of your head on the surface of the water. I think that's why I need to just start wearing a cap around town. Never know when you're gonna end up in the water.

And Karen, what's what is your swimming problem today.

Yeah, my swimming problem is this. I actually do swim a lot in the summertime especially. That is my favorite way to get exercise. And I recently bought little gloves that are like fins. Have you ever seen them? So you actually yes, so you go faster when you swim, and I love them and it makes it so much more fun, Like it's really powerful in the water, and it's the difference is so slight, but the power is

The silicon. The caps are a little thicker. They're made by I have I use tear t y R. It's not Speedo, but Chris, I think you'd find you'd be satisfied.

It's time cap.

There's a there's a paddle. It's not like a web thing, but you could just slip your hand into it really quickly and very easily. They're plastic paddles and I use a pair by Finis.

F I n I S Yeah yeah yeah.

And they're red, they're black and yellow and they're reversible.

So if you have them on one way, you do it with freestyle and backstroke, and you have them on the other way you do a fly and breastroke.

Oh yeah, yeah yeah, And.

It's the same thing where it kind of like, yeah, the power is up. I can't really explain it.

I have Finish flippers that I think, like Karen was saying with it combined with the handfin because I have those rubbery frog hands also, and then the flippers plus it they're weighted and so I feel.

Like my legs are doing more work when I'm kicking.

Yeah.

And I have Finish sprand waterproof EMP three player with headphones so I can listen to music while I'm swimming.

Does that work? Yeah?

And then Pinnis is from the Finnis.

People, because I tried to do that with and the ones that I got, Uh, there was a problem. Oh, it's because you I couldn't go all the way under right, which is how I like to swim.

I listened to half a song before water inevitably gets in there. It's yeah, I understand that they're waterproof, but my ears are not.

Don't won't perfectly seal.

I don't have in my ears a god given gasket that's gonna seal around, you know, So I kind of stop using them, but I do. It's those finish I'm just saying those people of Finnishi, we're all about finis.

Yeah, I like the sound of slashing. The swimming's the last place where I can't be disturbed, you know, and we'rery to be fiddling around with tech, I would just be ruined.

I might as well be on the elliptical of that point.

Yeah.

I got them in anticipation of swimming. When I was told by my hip doctor to become a swimmer. I didn't really know how to swim, so I bought. I'm like, well, that's going to be boring, So I preemptively got the waterproof earphones.

And it feels like if if you did only breaststroke or a thing that kind of kept your head up more like there, because in the beginning, when I was swimming, and I truly was just trying to do laps for half an hour just to be moving my body in some way. I just wore normal Apple At air pods and I was just like, you just didn't get these wet. So I was doing basically like a frog stroke and just keeping my head up the whole time.

That's risky, Yeah, it's very risky. Well, I swim, I like to have fresh toast. So you imagine me.

Leg and your plate.

Holding it above your head like say anything that you're just screaming everyone running out.

Well, actually that was going to be my follow up question to Laurie. Now that we have a swim expert on the show, which we've wanted for a long Yeah, yeah, this is great. We can really this we need to do. Uh do you find and maybe this is a thing that if you've done it for long enough, you've already kind of adjusted. But for me, like as opposed to getting on an elliptical machine, when I swim for exercise, I find that I'm hungrier and want to eat more.

Later in the like later on in the day, starving start right, Yeah, I think part of it is being in the cold water, you know, being being a little chillier, and you don't you don't get so hot like you do on the elliptical that you kind of want to war them up a little bit. But yeah, yeah, yeah, a lot of food afterwards.

Yeah, you just have to.

I was I was gaining w I swam a lot after when I recovered from have surgery and I and I had gained a little and I will this might sound crazy, but my doctor was like, that's because the water is cold in the pool and so every time you jump in, your your body is like, oh, time to build up a layer of fat.

He said, you need to swim in a very warm pool. And I'm like, oh, let me get access hot.

It's so disgusting, I know, like my body thought I had become like one of those polar bear swimmers where they that's way he's said, but I think he just was. He was winking, telling me to try harder. But after a derragg Karen, it's your full body moving, you just need five sandwiches.

Yeah, right, Because I read a thing where it's like you can work out for half an hour on the elliptical and that burns whatever, but if you swim, it's double. Whatever you do in the pool is double, And then I'm like that's amazing. But then if it's making me

And add to that that your body is just creating a layer of fat because of the cold panic it goes into it.

I do think that being in the water is better for your brain for some reason.

It's just it feels like, say you burn the equal amount of calories or whatever on an elliptical or a pool, after you get out of water, you just feel different. You know, Yes, you kind of feel just, you know, sweatier when you get off of a gym equipment.

Totally, it's way different. I did not expect the meditative quality of it. Like I it's the only time I'm doing a thing for Like Karen said, I'd try and go about a half hour without stopping, sometimes twenty five. But I you're just paying attention to going straight and breathe, and it's not war it's not boring. I didn't need music. I'm just like, it's the only time you're just focused on one thing and you're not thinking of Like I'm not thinking of any of my problems. I'm not trying

It's great.

Then when you get out the thing that I was really loving, and it's making me think about it because I'm like, oh, I have to get back on that. I was doing really good and doing it every single day, and the thing I loved was like at night when I would go to lad like after i'd be done with that and it would kind of be like whatever happened at work or whatever kind of stresses whatever. Then when you're laying on the couch, you have that like

Oh, I noticed that both of you guys said that you kind of swim for like a half hour straight, And I find that to be actually kind of tough, and I like to break it into little chunks, little sets, you know. So oh, usually there's a pace clock if you're swimming, like at a regular lap pool, that you can go. You know, I'm gonna do like ten two lappers, which are like fifties, like ten fifties on the two minutes or the minute and a half, and the clock will kind of keep track of things for you.

And then you know, you can kind of rest and it makes it a little more interesting for your brain.

And then you know, you do a kickset where you put your fins on board, and then you do like a pat like a pole set with your paddles or your gloves. But if you break it into little parts, it's I find it way more enjoyable than just going I'm swimming from twelve to twelve thirty.

And right, well that sounds good.

Yeah, yeah, I need to switch that. I need to learn a second stroke. Yeah, I can swim on my back and I guess that. I guess we'll call it a backstroke and then a free style, which is just for me. I'm just making it up as that go.

You're rapping the whole time.

Yeah, Yeah, it's easy to wrap underwater? No one, do you remember it?

There was a Robert Redford movie that came out in this is such a deep cut, but it came out in like the I think mid two thousands, and I think it was based on a true story. It was Robert Redford married to Helen Mirren and he was an executive that got kidnapped. Do you remember the story?

Oh no, no, no.

The movie opens with Helen Mirren coming out in the very early morning with like the fog on their gorgeous black bottom pool with the like natural stone surrounding whatever. And she gets into this still pool very like barely breaks the water, lowers herself down and then does I think it's the breaststroke or whatever, that kind of froggy one and she just swims the pool as the credits roll. And I literally was like, I need to do that like that. That needs to be minute routine or whatever.

You imagine credits rolling as you do it. Yeah, that's my favorite thing to do as a kid.

Here's the thing I worry.

I don't like to swim without a lifeguard because I feel like you actually are attempting the fates to roll credits on your life at that exact moment.

Yeah, I like to have a lifeguard. I like a witness or two.

Because when you said fifty meter, you are swimming in Olympic regular I'm going to twenty four hour fitness where there's people waiting in the pool after the hot tub just to rent off, and there's fan dance and it's gross. But you my first time in there's one here in Missoil. I've been here all month, and they at the pace clock and they had I realized that it would be one hundred and twenty laps back and forth if I were to realistically swim to Alcatraz.

Is that we're trying to do. Are you prepping for an open?

Someone mentioned it, said they'd give me one thousand dollars to do it, and then I realized very quickly that it would be impossible. Karen and I talked about it. Also sharks. Also, I'm not a good swimmer. There's a bunch of to not do it.

Okay, I think you would. Based on how cold the Bay Area water is, you would probably gain fifty pounds a second if we're if we're assuming that's true, you're fucked with that.

How cold that goddamn water is up there, and not to a bunch of it getting in my ear.

There's a lot of your.

Ears, my god, And how how heavy would your ears be with all the weight gain and the water.

I was offered one thousand dollars.

To do it, to swim to or from Alcatraz.

From Treasure Island Alcatraz actually a little a little further than from the bit.

I don't know where you would do it from San Francisco. I guess under the.

Treasure Island that's like halfway across the Bay Bridge essentially.

Yeah, yes, okay, yeah, because it's called Yourba Buena I think, and uh.

Yeah, yeah, Yerba Buena Parte is right where the bridge goes through and Treasure Islands the flat.

Sorry, I know you both are from the Bay Area. Describe the name of it.

It was Treasure Island, and that's you know, that's how I grew up that's how I was raised.

And then I went back and they changed into Yuba Buena, and uh yeah, I was That.

Was you know, another disturbing thing about the Bay Area that you know when you leave your home and then you just keep coming back and stuff changes.

And you're like, what, who the hell did this? The same thing happened with when new comics would come down to La and I'd already been down here for a long time and they'd come down and we always called it the city, right because especially because people who live in like the suburbs around San Francisco, you say you're from San Francisco, but you're not. I'm from Paloma, which couldn't be more different than Fancisco. Yeah, and we always called it the city. Are you going into the city?

Furthermore, they're they're calling all of California Cali. Uh who what a lot of a lot of people are a lot of and it's it's very upsetting.

My hometown, Missoula. People call it the zoo now, which drives me nuts. It's not it's a liberal arts college town.

It's not a zoo.

It's not radio or they call it Montucky, where there's no rednecks there, there's no I mean, nothing against Kentucky, but it's and then someone started a beer called Montucky that is everywhere now, and every time I see it, I'm like, don't give my town nicknames.

While I'm gone.

I feeling this is a classic old people talk. I like it, Like what the hell are they calling it this for? It's not like this is so you know, it's like if you're mad about you're Burbuena. You know, you know you're only.

Started in like two thousand and six instead of the late eighties and early nineties.

Different podcast this would be right now.

It's so funny.

That's why when people see me for the like people that just listen to the podcast and go to a show and didn't know what I look like. They're like, oh, I thought you were like sixty five or seven.

It's not I'm like, oh, I.

Must have a distinguished voice. No, it's because I complain about guy's stuff, a lot.

Of medical stuff of hip surgery.

Yeah, you are in incredibly young to have had hip surgery.

Though, let's get that on the record.

It's yeah, but if if you had hip problems because it's skateboarding, oh goes right back to cool.

I'm not good at skateboard and just do it a lot. And why are all these kids on my law Laurie?

What else besides where you're from and the fact that you've been doing comedy forever. What's what's fresh and new in Laurie kil Martin's life these days?

I guess it's a new unemployment, you know. Like I had been working pretty for ten years straight on Conan. Yeah, and so while I was raising my son, and so that was very stressful in some ways. My mom moved in with me for like four years and helped out. And that was that quadruple distress or maybe even a higher number.

Higher than it did. It led to some amazing tweets some moms all worth the mom series of tweets were truly amazing.

So now my mom died and my son is a lot older, he's almost sixteen, and I don't have a job, and it's this really weird. The compression is gone, and I'm finding it hard to even do anything like one activity in the day when I used to do twenty, Like I wake up and I had this list and I would start it.

And now it's it's really hard for me to focus like that. But I feel like if I.

Had another job, I would get back into it. But it's yeh, it's definitely it was a lot of external pressure, and now that it's not there, it's a very strange feeling.

I can relate to that so much, and because I think and now I can't remember, but it was always Conan was always a daily show up until when they stopped, right, so it never went weekly or did anything were I honestly believe working on a daily show warps you in

Yeah, I think that's where I am right now. I'm watching The Nick.

It wasn't that a great I love that show. It was a great show, and it's no longer I got canceled. I that show makes me laugh so much.

Oh my god, and like everything sorry, the Nick, the one about.

The hospital, Yeah, isn't that funny? I was thinking of The Mick with the women from My Ways Sunny. That is also very funny. It's a very funny.

Oh that reminds me of that show, The Wick.

But all I've done during quarantine the tick Tick.

Sorry, I had to get mine in there. I talked right over.

That's a real show, though, I think I.

Made it was Wow, that's a classic example of Karen and I both needed to get out.

Our ick.

For your ick into the microphone as quickly as you can get your credit now. No, the nick was the hospital from the eighteen hundreds one, which was I think. I think it was really expensive. I think that's why they stopped doing it, because first of all, I'm sure Clive Owen was infensive, and then everyone else on that show was so good. I loved that show.

Yeah, it seems expensive just to recreating the sets and stuff, but it's it's so funny how they all their medical treatments, you know, were killing them and they're so excited about them.

Mercury treatments. No not in your no, no, please stop it. Oh yeah, but it's weird because.

All of them men are awful but in different ways, and and they're allowed to be because of the way society is, especially back then, the white men. And yeah, it's just like you're like, gosh, this is kind This is probably pretty accurate. Is the rights that women had and the very limited amount of autonomy they had, you know.

Yeah, because all those doctors were on cocaine, like, and the cocaine was just kind of free flowing, like, yeah it was it was aspirin, Yeah, it was coca cola.

Yeah, Okay. I did one.

Took one screenshot of Clive Owen saying this hospital, like the hospital runs on cocaine, and I tagged Josh Gondleman in it because one has to. But the amount of times I haven't tagged him in a cocaine screenshot, you know, because I have it with the subtitles, I feel like I deserve a little more praise because it's it's non stock cocaine with Clive Owen, and that's Josh Gondoley.

He's a very funny comic. Is rich?

Yeah?

Is that he's a coke addict, which is not.

But I'm sure he's tired of it.

But I was like, Josh, I got to do what I'm saying.

I gotta tag you on this now more than ever.

Do you find it?

Is that the kind of show, if not a daily variety or a talk show, would you want to write on a scripted show like that?

I don't know. I think that's one of those ones where you just watch and go that's magical. I don't know that that ability especially historic on all that is uh in my wheelhouse.

But it's just such a weird time right now, Like today it seems like HBO is about to apparently it's going to be like a tab on the Discovery app.

It's like, wait, what this is the best streaming app? What's happening? Why are you guys ruining it?

And everything is happened shifting. Also, I had a friend who was just talking about and these are people who like literally just got off one show and they're just like, there's no jobs, there's no like all the like the staffing stuff is changing really dramatically kind of overnight, and people are it's really difficult and rough. And then also it's like if I were your manager, Lorie, like the idea that they constantly are making talk shows for people,

If I could take a stab at being your manager for me, yeah.

Everyone's gonna get a chance.

I want to hear you both have.

It sounds like you've been working too hard and right now you're enjoying life and relaxing, and I think you should try and milk this unemployment as long as possible and keep flirting with laziness and keep doing and keep doing stand up because you missed it before.

So just my advice is to not get work, just keep doing what you're doing.

Yeah.

Yeah, as a as a manager, do you make a lot of money because.

No, no, no, I have yet.

I have yet to get a percentage of any of my clients. My encouragement is for all of them to go to the beach and buy a hammock. Yeah, yeah, and go viral on the beach.

Yeah, sort to do it. Yeah, you just look relaxed and glowing and that why ruin that?

Why with like a daily But yeah, I mean I do.

I do kind of like like writing topical jokes, even though they age horribly, all of them, right, Since I'm kind of interested in what's happening in the day anyway, I might just want to use that knowledge to write some jokes, you know.

Yeah.

It just seems like there's so.

Many late night shows anymore there, you know, there's like me be that Samby's you know no longer, and I don't know, it's it's a it's weird. I just know a lot of really really really funny late night writers who are out of work, and it's like I don't want to go against that guy.

Guys beast you know, right, and they're hiring like three people first stuff that meets twelve right exactly.

Yeah, I know it's regular comedy club audiences really appreciate topical jokes too. It seems like, yeah, I've never even thought about that, but lately I've been trying to. You know, when you go to a town do that thing of like learning a little bit about them and coming up with jokes or a current event.

They love it.

That's why people used to come visit Austin and be like, Hey, what's the name of the strip club here?

You have the top of your topical local strip clip jokes.

Yeah, just so they're mentioning the town. I'm not I guess I'm not saying that so much, but uh, there, did you appreciate currently said.

Grigsby's room in Dayton, Ohio, where they had a like a sheet on the wall where it's like the look they had all the local things that you can insert into.

Your Oh that's hilarious.

That lives jokes. It is called Jimmy's.

Okay, No, I couldn't. I'm a Wiley's guy. I can't when I'm in Dayton. That's so funny. There was like, oh that's.

Great, that's actually really smart. It's like someone was like, I'm so sick of being asked this question, I might as well type it up.

That lady was a genius.

She also sold massive amounts of dildos after the show, like you're you had your merch, had your little T shirts, and then she had club dildos.

Wait is that okay?

I don't know why it's not open.

Where they did they throw?

I think the common game there was to throw the dildos down the hall and hit the refrigerator, or there was those swinging doors. Someone was telling me that there's a club where you throw dildo's regularly.

That might have been a male comics only week, but when I was.

That was for the boys. That was the boys game.

That sounds like a fun game night throwing dilda's at a door aggressively.

Yeah, yeah, I wasn't invited.

Yeah, I forgot how we we got to this place of comedy club's stuper names.

But being on the road, that what that that is the thing you're doing. I mean you you've done it long enough now where yeah, it must be enjoyable in that way where you have it in hand it's something that you do and do well or no, Yeah.

It's fun. I mean you're also now you know, just have to fill the room, which is really stressful. And yep, I'm clearly not on TikTok enough, right, Yeah.

And that also like there are certain comics who like don't care that there's a pandemic and it's still happening and so and neither do their fans, and so they all come out and they'll crowd a room and.

He knows who goes home with COVID and long COVID.

But I also I kind of feel like I travel with air purefiers, and I kind of feel like people that like me or you know, might stay home, you know, just gets home acron me in and so that that makes it herd as well. It's just a time to be a live performer, had writer.

So uh yeah, I wish I didn't have such a conscientious and compassionate crowd. They cared about each other, decent people, darned. Yeah, I've thought about that a lot too.

That's so funny.

Well, and the sorry blossoms here and she's got some stuff to say quiet.

I think Blossom was the name of one of the strippers at the Dayton Club.

So fill that name in. I always use permission to use her name.

Sure.

Well, but then the one thing that you do have that is pandemic proof is your podcast.

Sure right, Yes, that money making. Jack and I are printing money non stop. We you know, we don't have a theme really and we don't have guests, so we have a very limited appeal. But we do talk about comedy and specifically our weeks that we had just finished. You know, we'll just kind of, I guess drilled deep into that and then it goes off into.

Hey, that's what we do. There's no Yeah, I think that a lot of people want.

To hear that.

Yeah.

I mean between us, we've you know, I think she started like a year before me, so we've both been you know, working for a really long time. And I mean, Karen you probably know this too, Like they never let female comics work together, and in some places they still don't, judging by like the few female comics.

The features I have worked with that are like crying because they're not being harassed. But so like I didn't know.

Jackie for I guess the first twenty five years that we're both all the stand up, but she existed. You know, I see your picture on the wall, Karen Rontowski, you know don Wing. You know all those people, you see them on the wall. You're like, oh, I'm not the only woman. Yeah, but I am this in this quarter at this comedy club. As I look at the calendar, I'm this quarter's female comic.

Yeah, that's right. They're going to roll the dice on your night.

And I'm currently where and we'll finished.

I had some hang ups while on vacation here, but I am going to finish your poster.

Are Oh yes, cool. Yeah, I'm excited.

It's going to look really cool. And I'm sorry I haven't finished it yet. There was I have a list of excuses.

You had swimmers here.

First of all, you can first and foremost prior to that, an irash and then a little.

Laundry.

Don't forget the hip surgery.

There's I mean there's trauma from it being five years ago.

And then there's just miss Tucky. That's very.

Hard to take a nap, but it's working.

You had a power through that.

And then you're getting terrible advice from your manager who told you not to work at all.

Yeah, well I am my manager.

Got wait, what kind of what? What kind of poster is it for your live show?

Laurie, Yeah, because I I thought if I had a poster it would look cooler. And uh, everyone seems to have a tour poster, like they're calling not to sound sound old again, but to me, it was always roadwork, like you go on, you do a couple of weeks, they't come home. And now comics are and maybe this is a great marketing thing calling it a tour and they're naming their tour. Sure, you're naming your the weeks of work you got?

Okay? Yeah, I know people love it.

And when I say poster, I don't. I that's what I say, image to posts on digital socials.

Well that's the difference, right, that's the differences when you when we all started, there was no social media, and now it's like everything is. It's almost like whether it's a tour, whether you're doing three shows in a row and going home, it's all just the presentation of you. You're gonna want to get on board with this, Laura kill Martin Comedy Train because check this shit out and like it really is, yeah, and.

It will look someone else?

Did you know people are going to see the drawing, not even care who they're Like, I love that art, so I'm going to go see stand up.

Yeah, I like her aesthetics.

I don't care about her.

I bet she art directed on this drawing. I try to a d all my drawing you very much, did. It was very I had no questions after questions, no quips or questions about your list of details. It was very concise and it's gonna look great and I will have it done very soon. But yes, getting people to go to your shows, there's all these other things you have to worry about, because I too, am worried this weekend that I won't feel the seats and then I'll feel sad while I'm on stage just counting the empty

Yeah, I mean, yeah, stand up clips.

But I think it's also if you can find something that's fun to do, you know, like like Otscouh kind of does this thing where she just lowers her ass really slowly and she like she's enjoying it and it doesn't look like a hassle and people love it and it's actually getting people to come to her stand up shows.

It's blown my mind. And it does look like hassle though, looks like something that would hurt my knees. Well.

Also, you know, it's like that thing of get it's basically a calling card where it's like her and her grandma, those videos are so great, Yeah, and it's almost it is that thing of like if you want to know who you're gonna go see, then that like it's masterful marketing in that way where she's like, this is kind of what I'm about. It's the same thing with it makes me think of Chris Fleming. I mean, this is also it's just about their fucking young and their hip

Write during quarantine. People into that.

Yah.

Yeah, I know.

Like like like Conan has an incredible you know, social media presence, but he also has people that do the whole thing for him. And once you see that, you're like, oh, I can't do the job of fifteen people, right, guys. It really takes that many people to like you know, or not exactly, but it's takes a lot of people to really do it well and make it look good. And he doesn't really do much but be himself, and that's the dream and so that these younger comics are doing.

All that stuff too. It's exhaust that's yeah, me very exhausting.

And to be honest, the reason I have water in my ear is because I was trying to comedically. I realized when I fall off that hydrofoil thing, it was throwing me in the air, and I took video of it for TikTok, and I cartoonishly wanted to fall and that is I'm not kidding. That's why I have a lot of water in my air. It looks hilarious on my TikTok. Do you guys tune in to MA get water jammed?

That's in seats?

Yeah?

For real, you take that hit, You take that water right to the ear exactly?

Does it translate to, hey, come watch me do stand up? I'm going to fall down into lakes of water on stage, I guess. But it shows my physical physical ability. Yeah, slapstick, and you're back. You're back from hip surgery.

Now you're just the time to finally announce it after five years.

Yeah, like I'm comfortable saying I'm back from hip surgery.

Now.

Tested it out, I've used it. I know I'm good Now.

When when is this tour that I'm doing a poster for and do you want to give away the concept or or what it's called.

Is it called cis Woke Grief Slut.

I don't believe that's what I shotted down.

Oh, we should clarify that.

Okay, Okay, you guys have the meeting now, Well, I'll do the text later. I just had a funt picked out, but I just know the image.

Yeah, I mean, the tour started and it'll go for a couple more years. This this imagel until I get it.

So this image, it's not so much tour as it is just your career that continues. Okay, well call it the poster tour because you'll have a poster during the part of it.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm going to be at the Den in Chicago August thirteenth.

I don't know if this will drop before then, but apparently I could really use some ticket sales, according to.

The at the Den in Chicago.

Yeah, according to the I guess the theater owner.

No, yeah, that's why I'm talking.

I got that text today, like we only have this number of tis and it's like, well, now I'm just going to worry about who I am as a person, because I don't know what to do about that.

I know, I know, Chicago's so far away.

Actually, you got to get a street team to get out.

About two thousand miles from it.

So yeah, wait, this will not be out before your Chicago show.

Well, you guys missed a banger on.

And yeah, I just want to say after the fact that my shows this weekend in Portland's you guys were great and I was funny.

Thank you, Laurie.

Is there anything that you have, like near the end of the month, just to give a little let's talk through some cities.

Nineteenth and twentieth I met Laughs in Seattle, great, come on out for that, and then I'm home for a little bit, and then I'm in Toronto in September ooh, and then Milwaukee in October.

At and then i met doctor Grinn's in Grand Rapids in December.

Mark kellyers, So dinosaurs if you're going to call yourselves that, which I don't know, but if you want to go to a comedy club and watch a headliner that clearly knows how to do stand up comedy, Laurie Kilmartin is one of the best, truly like is known through is a comics comic, and I don't know, like you talk about stuff that really matters and is important, and you like you kind of like get the audience, but then you like let him off the hook, but then you

Oh my gosh, thank you, Yes, thank you, of course.

Yeah, you are one of the comics. When I am on a show with you, I always watch your set. I can't say that for a lot of even people I really like or think they're funny.

I know they're material or they are not. I know they're not gonna do something new. I always watch your set.

Yeah, I love you as well.

You guys are That's what I was geniuses. I am your manager.

I have I sell a book, and uh it's truly the worst merch idea ever is to have books heavy.

Oh yeah, that's right. Oh ship them out or you take them with you. No, I take them with me.

It's too expensive to ships.

I just I usually do Southwest, So I get the two free bags and I just dislocate my shoulders as I'm dragging my bags to a condo, and then and then sell the thing.

No one wants anymore a book.

People want books.

They're like, do you can I get this on Kindle? I understand that you've lifted it the whole time, but I want it to be more convenient for me.

I don't think we're readers anymore. I'm having our time reading a book, you know, like it's it's hard to thank you. They focused.

Yeah, you know what I just did recently is I went on to the internet and I bought a bunch of books. Not that were like, what's the novel my friends are reading or what's you know, trendy or whatever. I literally picked books like they're almost like picture books, like ones about mudlarking, which is the people that go along the Thames River and find basically old shit. That's

Yeah, it's right, I have shame anymore.

There's no shame about anything.

I just have shame about I'm only looking at my phone all the day time for entertainment and pictures.

It's like, let me look at a book for God's sake.

Yeah, guys, look at the nick please and make a final pitch and the tick.

Yeah, and if you do anything this week, Yeah, The Witches of east Wick, it's not a movie where they all throw up cherry pits.

Actually, don't watch that's disgusting.

Well, but so if you can't watch which is of east Wick? Then clearly just watch John Wick one, two, three.

Guys any that you'd come up with a new one which is a perfect way to And I knew it was there. I knew it was I just couldn't think of it. I knew Kevin Honor, Society Brain, Laurie.

Thank you so much for doing this with us.

Thank you for having me.

I'm sorry that I'm not ending it at an airport, but you know that's a different time.

So are we.

Yeah, it is a different it is a different COVID way. We'll get there, we'll get back someday.

And I'll talk to you soon.

You're gonna have the most beautiful poster for my tour and tour and the tour will also be beautiful.

Yeah, Chris.

When you're done with that poster, we can post it on the dinar socials, so then it's see then it's acting as two things. It's a reference to the show people heard, perfect and it'll have dates on it, right.

Yeah, Yeah, I'm excited.

This is how we do it in the modern times, stand up comedy in modern days.

Thanks for being on. Do you need a ride? You've been listening, Do you need a ride? Dyed? This has been an Exactly Right.

Production produced by Analise Nelson.

Mixed by John Bradley, artwork by Chris Fairbanks, theme song by Karen Kilgarrett.

Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at dinar podcast That's d y n ar Podcast.

For more information, go to exactly rightmedia dot com.

Thank you, Oh You're welcome. Weez