S3 - Ep. 36 - Karen and Chris

Are you leave the I you wanna way back home?

Either way, we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a terminol and gayy a.

We want to send you off instide.

We wanna welcome you back home. Tell us all about it.

We scared her? Was it fine? Melcorn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do your need you ride?

Ride? Do you need.

With Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need a ride? This is Chris Fairbanks and this.

Is Karen Kilgarriff.

Hello, Hi boys, I am very happy to see you.

Happy to see you as well, Chris.

What'd you do today?

Gird?

Well from.

I have gourd.

I was just thinking because one of my leftover I think I have. I don't think I have long COVID, but I know I have. I got the worst COVID of the two that people are getting right now. One's short and one is taking a while.

Yes, so mine's.

Taking a while. So I still have some of my taste.

Buds aren't working in the way where coffee tastes very bad to me in a way it never has in my life. I drink black coffee in the morning and I can't. It's all of the good parts of drinking black coffee have been removed, and it just tastes like hot, gross water.

That is all I have. My friend Lance has lost a bunch of weight. He hasn't been able to taste.

Uh.

And it's worse than that. He can't taste much for like a year and a half now, and he's like a skinny guy.

Oh okay.

And he said bacon and thing like meat, like savory things that he used to always eat taste awful or have no taste at all to him.

Well, and that's the that happened to me. Okay.

Wait, So the point why I say gurd because the point was what was the point?

I just I thought that was a phrase like egads or something else from him a Kafee cartoon. I didn't. I didn't know what that word meant.

Oh I was saying it was like I was saying, oh God, but I changed the word. But there is actually a medical condition called GIRD which has something to do with like acid reflux.

Oh okay, which is.

What made me laugh about it. But tell your friend lance. This is important because my sister sent me this TikTok that basically, you if you get someone else to flick you on the back of the head, it is a proven way that people are getting their sense of taste back.

No, I swear that sounds like it's something I would say, and you would say, there's no way. Stop making things.

I would say, Chris, stop believing what everything you read on.

Tikbook, although I will add be careful when you do that. Don't be making a goofy face because it'll stick that way.

That's right, but you will have your take. You can have so much bacon.

What is it that that is insane to me? That's it's really weird.

But a doctor is the person explaining it, and it's something about that's the I don't know. I don't know at all, And I was about to make I love to make up the reason, but it's what I think, but it's not the truth.

Well, there's subtle things like that the trigger massive changes, like the time Jimmy Pardo said he had Bell's palsy for like a year, like the half of his face went numb. Yeah, like he had had a stroke and he got it from a fan blowing on him. Huh, it doesn't that sound like something I'm making It sounded like something he was making up, and I'm like, seriously, and he said, yes, oftentimes a light wind on your face is what triggers Bell's pulses.

I thought it was a virus.

I swear that's what he said. If the word virus, you also have to have the virus. I maybe am leaving out that.

Then a very Please don't go to the Grand Canyon.

Please don't go to any outlooks or outcroppings or lighthouses because the wind will give you Bell's palsy. Well, but if your friend is really suffering with this, like my sister sent me this video immediately, and I was like, I'm going to wait and just see if I can kind of yet my bad eating in control, because I have been drinking coffee almost like against my will in the morning, and then I just have no appetite. And when I do go, oh, I think I'm actually hungry

Oh so I'm sorry that sounds awful.

It's weird, but I'm not. I don't mind it. I will say this. It's better for me and the way that I do things.

But the other night, I was like, well, I'm hardly eating anything, so I'm gonna eat I get ice cream.

That was my logic because sweet things you can taste, right. My friend told me he can taste like candies and things like that.

That for me, the taste, it's the only way I can describe it. Is it The sensation is like because I know what it tastes like. I eat the same thing over and over, and I like very specific things. So if I'm eating Ben and Jerry's Chubby Hubby, which is what I was eating, I know what I'm supposed to be tasting. So it's very difficult for me to know whether or not I'm tasting or not because I can remember and the texture and da da dad.

Yeah.

For me, when I had this in my mouth, it was like, God, I think that says freezer burned. This seems stale. There's something wrong with this ice cream. And I kept doing that, like bite after bite, until I finally went, you can't actually taste it. You're just experiencing the texture. And you don't like the texture without the taste, without the flavor.

That is twilight zone scary to me.

It's very strange.

My other friend Kurt that has had he also had in a bit to taste and he's gained weight because he was chasing. He was chasing flavor. He was out there flavor chasing, and I relate. Yeah, So he said he had gained weight because of this inability to taste.

He was kind of going around and like maybe this will work, Maybe this will work.

Yeah, it's yeah, and I feel for him. I'm glad I just got this eyeball rash that's jumping to the other eye. I mean, that's that's all I really have to rag about.

And you can console yourself with a nice slice of pizza or I was eating nachos last night and I'm like, these are the worst nachos I've ever had, And then I'm like, no, these are actually they're good.

I've loved them before.

Yeah, it's because I'm I'm only experiencing crunch bean softness, salsa like wetness, Like it's it's such a weird thing.

It's it's so hard to explain.

I would be eating chips and pico de gayo, or I would be eating texture explosions.

Yes, I've been doing a lot of tortilla chips by themselves because feels stuff on it. Yeah, just so because I think salt is coming through. But I was explaining to my sister that it's like the flavor is just around the corner, Like I know the idea of what I'm supposed to be tasting, and it's just kind of right over there, but I can't get to it.

Yeah, and you don't know how long how long the road is before that corner.

Yeah, the sidewalk could be it could be hundreds of miles long, this sidewalk.

Well, just so you know, both my friends. Sometimes it is gradually coming back, but literally more than a year. God, yeah, they that was back. No vaccine, you know, Delta Delta spirit, right.

That's what happened to my sister's friend Adrian. She was one of the very first people that we knew that got COVID in quarantine.

Like month two.

We were all scared shitless. We thought she was gonna die, We thought something horrible was gonna happen.

She was scared shitless.

But the only good thing was she and her son got it like he got it because he went camping with his friends, walked in the door and then got a text and it said I have COVID, so that means you have COVID, and so he's like, uh, I have COVID, which means you have COVID to her. So then they kind of got to quarantine together.

Which is cute. Yeah, but he did not lose his taste and she did.

So every night he'd be like, hey, what should we get and be all excited because they had nothing else to do. They were just kind of trapped in the house and one of the main distractions was completely off the table, and she said she would do things like, oh, I'll just eat yogurt. That'll be a good way to get protein. And it was so disgusting, Wow, to have flavorless like that texture with no flavor.

Yeah, it's just hilarious. The thing, I really would hate teat a banana if I couldn't taste it, because texture wise, bananas are the worst, just pretty much full of mush. You think of someone else, and when your kids opening, do you like seafood and they open their mouth and there's banana in there. I'm still traumatized by that. Plus, bananas have veins on them that peel up there. Bananas are really just my sister hates them. They trigger the gag reflex.

What about the kids in grammar school that would have like a medium brown banana in their lunch bag that would make everything else smell like banana in the like cloak room.

Yeah, that was that. I felt bad for those kids. They obviously had a bumpy bus ride to school, they.

Had an abusive father used to beat up the bananas.

At least it's not you kid just punching a bunch of bananas. Yeah, I had.

I just had four bananas go bad because every time I'd look at them, I'd be like, well, you could fry them up, you could do this, you could make a banana bread. I'm just like, no, it won't work.

Yeah, I just I buy bananas just to watch them die. Yeah, often, often I do that. Yeah, they really complete a kitchen counter. Just esthetically. I like the look of bananas, and then I never get around to eating them.

Well, you know what it is when I buy and I always buy four bananas, like, oh.

Never more than me two, three or four.

It has to be three or four. It can't be six. That's a waste.

But in my mind when I'm buying them, I'm like for when I'm like on the go, like if I just need to grab it and go where It's like, when is the last time that happened in this COVID reality that we live, And I'm not going anywhere.

Not, I am just happy to see you, because who the hell puts a banana in their pocket when they're going out the door.

It's gonna bend in half and mush.

They're sensitive.

Today, I felt like I've been inactive, So I went on a bike ride to the base of the m this trail on the mountain next to my town and my college is there, and I went around college. I tried to go into the library to find proof that the Missoulian newspaper repeatedly put my address in the names of my parents on multiple photos of me dressed like a crossing guard. I know it's there, but these be

Well, you know why, because microfiche is like it's like asking for a real to reel.

Tape they have. Well, that's why libraries are amazing. Though it's still dewey decimal system. It's still the same books of old newspapers from the twenties. Like I did look around at stuff. It is kind of cool. But I spent a long time in the library today. It was just empty. But I it just all these memories of college, and I just had this feeling that, like, I wish I could go to college again with the confidence I

But did you actually graduate from college?

I did, indeed.

Yeah, Oh well then that turned out good?

It did. I mean, that's the thing I've never told you. I've never shown my frame diploma to anyone. It's I want.

To recally, nobody cares.

Yeah. I just immediately left town and started doing stand up with my Bachelor of Arts, you know, draw emphasis and drawing and painting and art history. I've never used it. Yeah, And I don't know. I just it was cool to be on campus. That's all I'm saying. I have not visited my school since I.

Grew problem with you being on campus with that mustache, though, is that time has passed? Yes, you aren't a college student and you're also loitering in the library with that mustache.

Has did anything come?

Everyone there was older than me? That was the other thing. It's like, is this summertime is when non traditional students go. Maybe it was mostly empty there, but I promise you all the people I made full eye contact with today with my mustache were my age. Do you think I should shave it now? I feel like I'm creepy.

Well, you're creepy on a college campus.

I am creepy.

I think in the rest of life, You're fine. It's very it's hip that people are having those that. Also, you just started licking at a bunch. Stop saying just for me, yeah, just for this experience purposes of Zoom.

Maybe I can say for.

This zoom meeting that we're having.

And you're right. I was just going up to a lot of strangers and saying, I used to go to school here. Do you work for a lady named Chris? She's my neighbor. She used to plant these plants. I guess she's retired now that that was a young person that I freaked out you're right. I did do it. I did do it, damn it.

Yeah.

I almost bought a University of Montana sweatshirt. I wanted to represent. It was just fun to experience that. But I will not be able to walk tomorrow because I did run up this trail and my legs are not going to work in the morning.

Well, you know, you can take to leave.

That's the great part about modern life is just go ahead and take some medicine.

I think I will. I think I will perfect. Yeah, I'll be fine. You're right. Why am I getting worried about the future of soreness?

Do you want to tell everybody about your golf tournament that you on the last episode got kind of you tried, you tried to fit it in and we wouldn't.

Really no, I.

Really really forced it. I really did. You know, we don't have to talk about it. It was very fun. It was beautiful. I was up in Big Sky, Montana. A lot of old football players that from the seventies. I didn't know who they were and.

Were they still big?

Were they meaty yes, like muscular guys in their sixties? Hot? Yes? And they I mean they were sweet. I did stand up for all of them. That sounds kind of scary. And for a lot of the sponsors before before the tournament, there was a night of stand up and uh yeah, And so there was a guy that got offended with some COVID joke I have about what's more Christian then letting other people die for your sins is the punchline,

Wait, was he on your golf team?

Yes, and he had a big cigar and I and he seemed like a conservative guy. And then and then by the end of the game, we are lifting each other up, We're hugging. I've never done so many fist pounds. We hugged, We jumped up and down in a circle hug when we won, and uh, it was really good for me. I think to bond. Those were real men. They have boiler's license.

And now do you think that guy came around on your joke or do you think he just the love of the sport and the fact that you guys one covered over the joke.

I know how to turn it off and just be around. Yeah, you know, I'm pretty serious when I'm golfing. And I was just nice to these guys. I killed them with kindness and then they were my friends by the end.

Nice.

It was a nice exercise. And then in the end they put all the scores on the board and we were by far the lowest score. We totally won.

So what did you win?

Five hundred dollars some clothes for yourself. We split amongst the group. You know, it was a fun It's like a They did use the word celebrity before my name and the winners, these four guys and celebrity Chris Fairbanks, and I was like, oh, I think it's funny after all these years, that's what I needed to hear. And and then yeah, we there was just a lot of at each tea box, at each hole, there was they were giving out stuff shirts and raincoats and hats.

And oh like swag like stuff Po's logos on it. Yeah yeah, yeah, so I got a lot of fun I gos, a lot of swag bags, nice, and it was just, uh, yeah, it was really great. It was really good for me and I was happy that I was not intimidated by four guys that were way better. They just didn't make any mistakes. They're very good at golfing, and it made me better. Usually I am afraid that all get nervous and get in my head and then not golf as well. But I did golf better than I usually do.

So they raised you up.

Yeah, And it's that confidence thing that I wish I had when I was back in school. I think I want to go back to college. I think I'm going to die. I know, I shaved off the mustache and I just I'm like, and I brought my skateboard and I'd be like, hey, all.

You guys, this is Chris Fairbanks thinking where You're like, it's better then, so I'm going to twist myself around, just try to recapture.

Then it's not better. Then you've just decided that it's not.

Yeah, I'm yeah, right. The minute I would decide to do that, I would panic and back out.

You would hate it.

So imagine going to fucking school now, are you crazy?

It's not fun.

I'm just wishing I could have done it differently then, not to do it over again. But all those writing classes, all the creative writing classes, all the long papers I wrote, I didn't. I kind of just phoned it in and did the minimum in it. And then when I graduated, I was like and started doing stand up. I'm like, oh, I should have become a writer. I like writing, and I didn't even realize it back then because I was a kid. You're a kid when you're in college.

Right, But if you had realized it back then, then you would have never done stand up. Like all those things have to happen that, Like it's like there has to be a floor, so there can be a ceiling, so like, it wouldn't have meant that you would have become a writer, right, because if you had been like taking writing classes and gotten all serious about that, you would have rebelled as Chris Fairbanks would have, and you would have gone on and become a construction worker or whatever.

I'm more comparing it with the fact that I was focused there as an art major, and you had to spend time in the studio, you had to finish your paintings, and I took that all seriously, and I came out of college with full confidence as an artist, not as someone that confidently can do it as a business and ask people for money that is worth my time, but the actual doing the art. I wondered if I had spent more time writing, if I had come out of college like I'm a writer, I know how to do

It reminds me of that the last conversation we had with Andrew Mashan, where it's like it is this a simulation? It doesn't matter. So should I have done this? Should I have done that? It doesn't matter.

It just doesn't.

So it's like the past that we all have is what it was, and no one had. Like you're really good at pretending everybody else has it great and you have it bad and then going from there, so like you do that all your thinking and what I've heard you say over the years is that kind of thing where you romanticize what is impossible to recapture. So the next thing I see you doing is like you come

It was a waste of my parents' money.

Somebody else could have taken my spot, somebody that gave a shit whatever, and that was that was wasteful of me and bad of me. And I lived in that reality of I'm bad because I did that for so long until I finally one day was like, now I am a legitimate TV writer, so I think I can let go of whatever got me here, Like it's no longer a bad thing because it got me to where I am now.

And like you're a you're.

A person who gets paid to bullshit like this into a microphone, Like that's a pretty good place to land.

I realize it every day, and it's also why I will continue to live in Los Angeles and do this with you. I love it. I do and I but I do it on stage, and of course, and I wonder. I often wonder, Hey, could I live in Montana and still be a comic. I wouldn't be practicing enough, so I can't do it. But that is I'm just getting nostalgic more than anything. I'm not having regrets necessarily. I just went through campus and I was like, it brought back good memories. I didn't want to make it sound

I can only take the facts as I'm hearing them.

Yeah, it's just a different life that I was revisiting. Like I've been asked by my old friend is like the media arts head of that department. He asked me to teach a photoshop class a few years back, and I was like, I could do that. I could go teach a class and I saw how much work had to go into it and how little it and I was like, ah, maybe maybe I'll just keep doing what I'm doing.

That is a very fun exercise, though of like, could I like for a while when I thought in twenty sixteen when my house was in forthclosure and I was like, I think I'm just going to put my dogs in the car and drive to Peddlum and never look back.

And then I was like, God, that was very long ago.

No it was not.

And that was when you had all the tax like you were ignoring tax stuff, and so I was I and we needed someone to hold her hand through all that tap stuff. That was man who really horrifying.

But at that time, well, but the point I was making is I was doing that and thinking, Okay, I can just go live at my dad's house, like I know he won't kick me out. I have a place I could actually go and my family is all up there, and that actually would be nice.

It'd be nice to be.

Around people who know me, who who know who me as who I really am, and not this kind of like pretend city girl act I've been doing for the past twenty five years. I'm like, I'm in La and I don't give it shit about anything. And then my sister's like shut up and get in the car. So like it's very comforting to be at home. And then it's like, oh, I could work at Starbucks. They give

Yeah, yeah, I'm glad I've made the decisions I made, But I wow, I was on campus. I also walked into a room. I wanted to look at the pool tables in there because I think my dad and stepmom should be playing pool. They're both good at it. And I just ran into my good friend that was installing sign like vinyl on the wall, and years ago he asked me if I wanted to start a sign company

It's almost like the Gwyneth Paltrow movie Sliding Doors, where it's just stepped that way.

I can't believe I didn't bring up Sliding Doors, your favorite.

Film, where that's the life you would have been living. I mean, like making signs. I love that idea because it's a trade. It's always needed. It involves the arts, but you get paid, you don't have to rely on like it's a consistent trade, real job, and yet you get to be artistic. We have a friend, my friend Amy O'Neil, who lives in Wisconsin. She for a while because she's a she's also a fine artist, and she for a while got a making the signs at a like very boutique fancy butcher shop.

Wow.

So she would like hand paint the little like Ribbi five ninety nine whatever, even.

Just permanent paintings on a chalkboard and then they can write the specials that yeah, or she.

Would do I think she was doing the little cards that would go into the like a refrigerator case, and and then she also did stuff on the wall, and I was like, that is the greatest feeling of this is almost like back to the Renaissance when artists would get paid because their art is useful and people would be like, yes, I want my shit to look good. Make it look good, as opposed to like these days where you can print up anything. Somebody hand painting a sign, you're.

Right, And that is always kind of what I wanted to do and why I get excited when someone really passionately does it at a Trader Joe's and there's little drawings. Yehere there's gords and they'd draw a pumpkin and like someone actually put time in all the artwork. I love doing that. That's why I did in Austin and then painted some signs that ultimately fell off buildings and crushed cars. But it's not my fault. It gets that windy.

You know, you didn't make it a sign. You painted this.

I painted the sign, but it was I chose the heavy wood. It was four by sixteen feet to four x eight pieces of treated plywood. I had to hoist it up there with a pulley system. And then it was at a pet store. I maybe already told this story. I'm sure I did, but I spent a long time painting all these dogs.

It seems familiar, but it is some thing. Sorry, just a p question before you go into this is why Thought's name would they get the painter to be the engineer. That seems like a mistake that you should have called at some point, Hey, I can't do this right.

I first had just painted their windows a few Christmases, you know, just some dogs wearing some bows. And then they said we need a new sign, and I said I can do that. So I bought the way. I said I can do all that for you. They did. Someone did help me and they were They helped me install it, but we used the rotten a frame that was the previous signs. It was probably would from the

It was really this has been an unbelievable Chris Fairbanks Retrospective episode.

I just like, I feel like one. I feel like lately and I don't. You don't have to agree, but you can I feel like lately, I've been interrupting you more than ever. You'll start saying something and I get so excited, like it used to with improv to tell a joke that I'll jump in when you're actually making a pretty good point and I've dunk and I'm like, god damn. Or you're in the middle of your joke

Yes, it's something like a telegram.

It's the person that called me a twap. But I now take their advice and some of the some of their criticism, and we have a friendly and forth. It's actually someone that I look to for guidance. Now, ok, this person that called me a twat, I'm kidding. That's a handful of people. I read the messages, you know, but I have been doing that, and I'm sorry I've been interrupting you. Like that's okay. One on one like this,

Listen, let me let me respond, please, will you talk? Well, first of all, I was just kidding about that because we have to talk about something, and I truly haven't been anywhere, and you are in a complete leader and city doing stuff.

So I did not mind any of that. I was just giving you the biz.

I know, I know, I didn't I did. It didn't seem like serious business. It seemed more like the monkey variety.

It was totally monkey business. Yeah. I mean, that's the.

Thing I'm used to as a female comic. It's a very very common thing. And I think it's because male comics do that to each other all the time and don't give a shit, And so it's like a vibe thing that I think when you aren't talking and other people are talking, you get almost you get like a little panic of like am I disappearing.

I have to be in this, you know what I mean. That's the sense I have.

I don't think that it's I don't get it as a negative. I don't think you don't care, like I know that you're a great guy, a good person, good at comedy, blah blah blah.

So to me, I just feel like it's I get it.

Where like my version of that because I just was raised like interrupting was like a very big deal in our household, and I know in talking to other people and especially since I've been podcasting, And I'm not saying I don't interrupt, I absolutely do, but I'll do it sometimes just because I know if I don't, I won't get in here. Like I feel like Andrew Machan was doing that because I think you and I were having so much fun on that last episode with Andrew Machan but also with each other.

Get it excited.

Yes, it's fun when you talk to a person who gives you fun ideas and then you're like, oh, listen to what you just made me think of?

Is what is the vibe I get?

And in a minute we're going to be onto another topic, and I have to say it now. And I'm sorry, but I'm going to interrupt because in a second and then if it falls flat, oh man, not only have I interrupted, but I really deflate at the moment.

My thing is that you the thing that you do that it makes me laugh, but I usually will I will interrupt you if you start doing it. Is when you you do your joke and then people have the response that they have, and then you keep talking through it and you start explaining why this was a mistake, and you're going down and you verbally go down a shame spiral. And I usually will cut you off on one of those because I'm like, it doesn't need to be that big of a dea. Yeah, we don't mean, like,

And you say, oh god commenting on it, God, I.

Have to do some forensic analysis of crime that I've.

You don't though, because this is it's because of Zoom.

You in the car.

It goes a different way because we're in We are in each other's company and so we get the rhythm is on, but Zoom sucks.

Shit, it does, and it will continue too for a while, but I have to everyone that wants us to be back in the car riffing with passer buys on bikes and going talking about buildings. You can't see. We would have gotten someone sick this month, Karen around. Yeah, it's still happening, and uh, you know.

It's happening just as strongly, if not worse than it's then happening in the past. It's just the people aren't being hospitalized as badly on this go round.

Yeah, yeah, which is.

But also what.

If we get in the car and somebody gets fucking monkey pocks, Like that's the new thing where I'm just like, you got to be kidding me with monkey pops.

I haven't looked into it yet. I don't know much about the monkey pox.

Monkey pox is for some people it's spread through sexual intercourse, but then also it's now spread through like if you touch someone that has the sores or their clothing. There's all kinds of it's expanding.

That's why they just have you seen pictures of it? Is that what's on my eyes? I have monkey pocks on my eyes.

If you had monkey pops, it wouldn't just be on your eyes.

It would be a Yeah, No, that's just just my eyes. And I've had this before when I would get strap throat and chronic infection. You know, it's inflammation. It's a reactive you know. Sometimes it's my joints, other times it's eye bumps.

And so you know what it is.

I guess. But it did immediately when, like you, I was like starting to feel sick and I was just eating to make sure I still could taste. But that's right when these eye bumps started coming. And I'm sorry I keep saying, iye bumps, that's real. Gross. It's just a reddish, a bit of a it's a little rash around my eyes.

It's no baker real, it's an eye rash. But you don't that's a concern. Yeah, And if you thought it before, then you know.

What it is. I have had it in the past. Yes, that's good.

That's very good news.

You don't want like a new patch of something in this monkey pox era.

I don't have in this era and in my life room for new rashes, new eye ailments, nope, ialments aal Oh, my gosh, I was meaning to talk to you about this because I was just looking. It turns out I am slightly, even though we're just talking about it, saying, no big deal, who cares? This is a simulation. I do like the web telescope photos of different galaxies. Okay, it did excite me, and I do think there's aliens, but I don't care. I don't think I'll ever get to meet one.

Okay, maybe you already have.

Yeah, maybe I have. Maybe they kissed me on the eyes and gave me a spacely rash and now they're taking over. But you on Twitter re tweeted a video of my friend here in Missoula. He's not even my friend. He is a Missoula person that has been a viral YouTube person since the beginning.

Oh, he is a Missoula celebrity.

He is, and he started VidCon and my friend is CEO of VIDCN Colin, and my good friend Andy Chemis is their photographer. VIDCN is a Missoula based thing that is huge. They have it in San Diego at the Convention Center, and I just it was such is that videos? What's thatpps?

What is it?

Old? I it is a celebration of people, Like if we went there, we probably wouldn't know anything and there'd be a line out the door. For some Twitch video game famous kid or TikTok or it is like influencer based like everything. But what we've our little bubble of live performance and I don't think they have podcasting at it as far as I know, maybe they do. I don't know much.

About it, but I know that Hank Green has a podcast because I interacted with him long ago when our podcast when My Favorite Murder first started and was popular, and so whatever he said to me, I can't remember what the interaction was. It was very minor, but people got super excited that we talked to each other, like our listeners who also loved him.

They always loved that one.

Yeah, when something combines where it's like two things I like. But I didn't know who he was because I am old and only pay attention to to British procedurals, right, But then started paying attention and he's so smart and great he is and that video he made about why that these pictures are so important is the greatest.

Yeah, he is. He's very smart and he knows about a lot of different things. And as the more because I just follow him on Instagram, I don't but he is someone that has been a YouTube I think they VidCon came out of him learning what it meant to be a viral YouTuber. Oh, he was a vlogger person and from my town. So today when I was being nostalgic about my past, that came up too, Like could I be a comedian? What would I do if I did live in Montana? This place that makes me happy

And also it's not run away, especially these days when when quarantine happened and a bunch of people were like, I'm not living in la anymore. Where there's I'm not going to be by myself, there's nowhere to go, blah blah blah. Like a lot of people moved back to where they're from because you can now we.

Can you can open learning. Yeah, you can do it, And.

A lot of people made big life adjustments realizing I'm living in a town that's kind of nasty and very lonely, and my family is nowhere to be found and yeah, it's not like it's not the fat of the land nineties, like when I moved to LA and it's like, yeah, Dad, pay for me to go try to be a stand up gomic. It's like, it's those days are long gone.

Yeah, I think that's what I'm more confronted by. But it's a it's it's it's with promise and excitement. I think about coming here, but I also I like living in Los Angeles. I do. I'm right in the middle. I can't decide. I'm I will be happy doing either. Is what I need to realize.

You know what it is.

I think you just keep doing what you're doing, which is going there for big stretches of time when you can and then seeing what happens.

Yeah, you do that too. We like to go home.

I love to go home.

Yeah.

Well, also I love my family that literally uh missing my mom of course, but my family and the family that we used to live next door to are all still there. And the family I don't want to docks them or whatever, but that we spend the most time with still live on the.

Property that we all grew up on.

So going home is literally about as nostalgic as you can get because we're right in that spot, but it's all changed around us. So we can see our old house that we grew up in from age like two to about ten. We can see in the back of their property. It's so crazy. And then we're all now adults, which is very strange because truly it's me, my sister or my cousin Stevie, you know, like and then their

And a lot of people would be traumatized by and we're not shoving it in your face, but I liked my life. Yes, well, you're lucky.

We're very lucky to have places to go back to.

Yes.

And if I can get my cousin Stevie to put in a pool, I might move back here.

Yeah, it would be the coolest. It's like out in.

The middle of farmland in Pedaluma, and I'm like, I know it's not hot enough to justify this, but can't we talk about it.

I know I can't make it happen.

On my bike ride, I was looking at these little nooks, these like places that I still a song or the smell of rain and the sun coming out. Little things trigger these properties that I remember. And today I just rode my bike to see if those houses were for sale or it's just real specific little areas. This is a place I realistically could get a house, you know, that's the end.

Absolutely, And it's also one of the most gorgeous states in the Union. It's really it's amazingly that picture you sent on Elise and I.

Yes, so beautiful.

That was from So I hiked up the M there's just a big cement letter M on the and I also figured out an interesting sociological experience, like it always seems like a long hike because I'm always looking at the top. But this time I hiked around the halfway point, or what I decided was the halfway point. I'm like, I'm more than halfway, and I just kept hike. I didn't ever look up, because you can see when you're approaching it, and all of a sudden it was there.

Do you see any nature? Do you see any animals on a hike like that? This hike is more like of a grassy.

Hillside. Yeah, it's a knoll, it's an all. There's a gunman, and no one knew about them until they watched this film and then I rolled this up.

Her.

Isn't there a book repository on this mountain anyway?

At the very bottom there is, there's a book. It's the library, and you have to leave your books in the depository. But yeah, that's where I went after the hike. That's this whole This whole story's linking up perfectly. But on the hike, your damn right. And even in my dad's backyard there has been the deer have been its mating season, y'all. And these baby deer with the Bamby

Onop Sorry, dog's parking.

That's quite all right. I love animals. But there has been some Bamby picturesque cartoon deer just in Oh and they yeah, on the hike today, there's deer.

Have you ever had a Like, there's a lot of deer in Pelama, and especially where we lived because it's way outside of town, and my dad actually got they almost got in to well, they did kind of get into an accident because a deer jumped out in front of the car and he slammed on the brakes and my cousin hit her head and it was this crazy thing that like, you know, and he goes, if that's the choice you're making, make sure you don't hurt the people in your car.

Hit the deer, yes, which I was like, Oh, that's a rough one.

Oh that's what's happened to me. I've hit deer. Yeah. I can't even tell the rest of the story. It was awful. No, yes, do you do have I don't know why I brought this there. No, it's important. We're giving good information pet enjoy deer, but also if you see them jump in the road, you kill that deer because you got a loved one and you can't just pull a Karen's arm in front of me like a book bag, right. You got to save the people, and

The reaction is just it's this gorgeous, majestic animal, so slam on your brakes and then someone's going through the windshields.

I borrowed my dad's car. I had Chosenman, which is three hours away, and my dad has a fancy new car and I'm paranoid to drive it. And the whole time I thought a deer was going to leap onto the hood because it's a very realistic concern. And in town here, there's deer all around town and they're getting hit all the time. I talked about the deer with the helmet and the deer that has her tongue out, and the other deer that has a leg that bends

You know why, because it's not Los Angeles, where you have your body has to be perfect. It's Montana where people understand you've been through some shit. Yeah, maybe something's happening new, but you can still have a relationship.

Yes, exactly. It's people are They're judge for what's on the inside. A lot of these deer in town really good, so beautiful. But yeah, I've seen a lot of animals, and there's bears. I'm sure I could go on a bike ride and see a brown bear or a little black bear. Careful, but brown bears also can be grizzlies. Let's keep that in mind, okay. And they'll attack you. And a moose. If you see a moose, I've seen mooses before. They'll dance on you, just aggressively. They'll come after you.

Yeah, I think most animals like that. Big will be like, get away from me. Yeah, in some attack mode manner.

But as soon as we are done here, I'm going up to Flathead Lake, a beautiful lake. It's a mile deep. There's a Flatthead monster. A lot of people think it's a sturgeon. We were talking a little bit about the Loch Ness. Yes, even if it isn't a dragonlake that breaches with a tail, it's a fish that is so big that people have confused it for a monster. There is because it is such a deep lake that there are you know, a thousand pound fish in it.

Yes, okay, And possibly because there's a theory and this is why I believe in the Loch Nest monster. That lakes that deep have connective tunnels.

To each other.

That inane to me because Blue Lake is where we used to go on vacation every summer, and it was up in Lake County, so it was like two hours away from Pedaloma.

And we went there every year.

And then when I moved to La I was staying in Margaret Chow's room in the house that she had with Greg Barrent.

Again Yep.

She had a book in her room called Mysterious California. So I was just reading it because I was trying to pass the time because she was on the road, and I read about they it was basically like county by county, they go through all the cryptids and all the weird stuff that is known for each area. And then it said Blue Lake, California, there's basically a loch Nest monster in Blue Lake. So it's so deep that

The reflection of the fireworks, you could.

See the fireworks were out on a little float, and so the whole town was gathered and it was probably five hundred people was gathered on that end of the lake and watching the float with all the fireworks on it. And in between the float and the shore, a monster came up out of the water, looked at the fireworks, looked at the entire town witnessed this animal at one time, and they said it basically looked like the Lochness monster, put.

On a giant pair of sunglasses and said see you later.

By losers.

I I. And so it makes sense now that every time I've water skate on flathead leg, when I fall and that boat keeps going and you're alone for two to three minutes. As the boat turns around, I think the weird feeling I feel now that I know there's underground tunnels, Yes, I don't. Yeah, this is the time we could use Hank Green.

I'm sure he knows a lot about the US total bullshit.

But it is if it is. Yes, it's a giant sturgeon, a giant fish. But that's big. That that's what I was afraid of. A giant fish that's bigger than me. Yes, at least tasting my leg from the knee down.

That's just like a little nibble. Wait, how big would you say? Like school bus?

You know?

Usually school Karen for real? A smaller bus? Oh?

Small bus?

Yeah, not like a standard right, but a fish a bus like a Volkswagen bus.

Oh, I don't know. But it's shaped long like that's the thing. I know. I've seen blurry photos, and I'm not confusing that for lock ness photos there are.

I'm going to hold on. What's it called.

Flat the flathead like monster?

Flathead lake monster. This will be worth it, Yes, it will.

For me and anyone else that wants to join me over here on Google Flathead lake Monster.

It's the fifth search items.

Ooh, what are you saying?

It looks like a big salamander.

Okay, it's a fish. Giant flippers that could be easily confused for salamander like feet, right, oh right, those are flippers.

Well, I'm And then it has the head of like it has a beak, a long beach yes. And then the back of it it has a fish tail, yes, almost like a mermaid. And then it has like flipper feet, almost like alligator feet.

Would you say yes? And and that's an image I don't even know if you're looking at the same one. I grew up fearing, but that I am. I'm a grown man and I'm confronted by it every time I go on that lake. But We're still going to go out there, and I'm going to My friend has jet skis. They have a hydrofoil which is like a little surfboard

I mean, so you're going to need a platform and an elevated platform of some kind.

I just need a group of solid skiers that can climb on shoulders while skiing, or kick off the skis and get up on someone else's haunches. I don't know. It's been a dream of mine forever.

I think you can make it happen.

I'm looking at a map that says one hundred and thirteen unusual sidings on Flathead Lake between eighteen eighty nine and twenty twenty, compiled by someone named Laney Hansel. Great job, Laney, because this is a very readable map. It is very attractive map. And basically the sightings I'm gonna send this to you. There are ces f's and then dates and times. So it's either a creature or a fish and both over ten feet long, oh for sure. And they have been sighted all over this lake.

It is literally a mile deep, like that's very rare. It's not the biggest lake, but it is like, you know, a third the size of like Lake Tahoe. It's a very large lake and very very deep, and you know, there's shit you know there's tunnels, you know, there's fins, you know, there's flippers, you know, there's like, you know that horseshoe like mouth, yes, seahorse, I mean hors sea horse like mouth on a lizard like fish. But even if it is just a twenty foot fish, that scares me.

Yes, Anything big and you're in the water and it's bigger than your hand is bad fucking news because you're at a disadvantage.

You don't live in water. You don't know what's going on.

So when we were up there one time, my cousin Stevie, who I was talking about before, He's like, come on, swim the lake. So he got in a rowboat and he made me swim from our end of the lake, which was the opposite end, down to the narrows. And halfway on that trip, which was I did it there and back, it was kind of cool. I think it was, like was it I mean, I'm sure it's a mile or two, it's not that big of a deal, but.

It wast though that would be I would mean my snorkel.

Yeah, But halfway through I got the weird feeling and I was just like, there's something swimming underneath me like it made me want to scream, but it just made me swim faster, and that I'm gonna send this to both of you.

There's an Olympic length pool here and I've been going there. Thursday night is adult swim night, but I always thought be because I was fascinated by escape from Alcatraz and I think of Clin Eastwood swimming in the middle of the night from Alcatraz to to San Francisco.

But just impossible.

It's so difficult. It is one hundred and fifty laps in this pool. So I tried to. I got to a.

Distance to Alcatraz, from Alcatraz to Land.

I got thirty. I got thirty laps on it, and I was exhausted. You would have to stop and like, but I'm not accounting for you know how rough the water would be and the sharks cold. Yeah, how cold I would have to be in a wetsuit. Of course, I'm not going to do it well.

And those guys that escape from Alcatraz who they've never found, they think there's a possibility they're all still alive or like some of them are still alive.

And it's so interesting to me.

I love it because at least two of them were brothers, if not all three, I can't remember, but I think definitely two. And they think they went to their own mother's funeral, like they think they're people who follow that story, who are like the reason they think the brothers are still alive is because they think there were three old men at the funeral and because they're Yeah, I love that story, but it would be if you've ever taken a ferry from San Francisco to Alcatraz or any have.

You ever been?

Yeah, so you know, like for people that haven't, that water and northern California ocean water is fucking freezing. It is so cold, and that's where all the sharks are. Like Stinton Beach, which is right above the Golden Gate Bridge and then Bay. Oh yeah, Stinton is huge for surfing, but it's it's there's a shark bite there like once a year. Maybe that's a guess obviously because my voice won't like this, but I think it's they're often.

Actually shark bites down there under the Golden Gate breeze? Is it.

The number goes as high number ship, your voice has to.

Go up, even though you don't even want to hear me suggest there's a dozen bites a year. Dogs will be circling around.

The neighborhood my ear drums.

You know, I have to say, and this is I'm going to right now say a completely unfounded and controversial surfing opinion.

Uh, I think.

Nor Cow surfers are cooler and more hardcore because it is so hard to even get in the ocean.

Of course they are. Yeah, I had a reunion a year ago. We're talking about doing it again up in the Puget Sound and the water in Washington. Of course we had wet suits and I didn't have a hoodie and booties and gloves and everything. But I don't know what I'm doing really surfing. But my friend is very good. He lives outside Seattle, and the water it looked like it was boiling, and that two waves would just be

There's a little bit to me unless you are a Hawaiian, the idea of being territorial. When it's like are you getting this from point break? Like are you just doing this because you think you're supposed to do it? Like are you literally a dog town and Z boy? I don't think so. I think you're just a dude.

Yeah. Yeah, if you're getting it from point rank, then I'm sorry, but you're being a bit of a Barney Hally, you're a Barney turtle.

Whereas I think in Norkel, no one has to be territorial because if you don't belong there, you'll probably die in the undertow. Like truly, it's so unsafe out there. It's am it's impressive.

In Hawaii, I was, I had been drinking and I was just like body surfing and this guy came out of nowhere, swam out to the water and put a glow stick around my neck and then and I'm like thanks, and he just waved and then swam back at the speed of a motor boat because he just He was like, that guy might drown, so I'm going to put I'll never forget to see a lifeguard. He never said anything. He was a civilian.

Bro was he just partying bro and Want And he came and put a rave glowstick, snapped it around my neck like a necklace, and I was like, what a thoughtful thing to do. Yeah, so that they can find you if you go under and are just kind of laying at the bottom.

Yeah. But you know, I'm a bit of a water man. I don't like to brag, but I know I'm way in. I know my way underwater where you can't breathe.

I know how to get under there, I know and flail around. Yeah, I come back home.

I'm comfortable down where your lungs don't work well.

Also, because I always heard that if two waves are crashing into each other, that is an undertoe spot. That is like how you can actually recognize where to not be swimming.

Yes, and this time last year when I was I was getting pulled out and I just had to make sure I knew where we were on the beach and had to maintain that position. But it was very scary. Yes, but when you're wearing a wet suit, you are kind of floating. So it wasn't that that.

Helps you, you know.

Did I tell you about the story of me and Adrian getting almost pulled under in an undertoe And we had been watching the day before because it was in that spot and quiet on the beach in Holloway, and the day before we watched a guy have to get skewed by actual lifeguards and we were like, I don't embarrassing, it's crazy, and then he must be from London or something, and it was that kind of thing where it looked okay, but there were they had put out flags of like

Get out like we could.

The water kept pulling us away and further down the beach.

To the fish watching below at your ankles. You were moonwalking out to the middle of the ocean. Yes, exactly.

We were moonwalking kind of backwards and then out, and so we weren't talking to each other.

She was a little bit ahead of me and she was like, uh, and it was almost.

Like we were being pulled by a big invisible rubber band back out into the ocean. And I was doing it too, where I was like the thought went through my head where I'm like, oh, this isn't funny anymore.

Now we're the guy.

We're the guy from yesterday. And Adrian turned around goes, what the fuck? And then I got scared because we weren't acknowledging it, and then when she acknowledged it, it was like holy shit. But we made our way out and when we got out, I was like we were all the way down the beach and and I we had to walk back. And normally I would not walk down a beach in a bathing suit. I would be too I'm from the eighties. I would be too ashamed of my body. I literally was like, fuck this, I

We could get out.

I'm like, oh no, I didn't see the lifeguards, but apparently we got like they spotted us until they saw that we got free.

Yeah, it's not yet. They are watching then. Not where we were up in the Puget Sound, there was no.

Where people were surfing the undertoe.

That is the and you try not to panic, and you try and stay calm, but I'm a panicker and I'm that's why I'm so scared of surfing. And like you said, when we got out of the water, you think you're in one place waiting for waves. Women got out. We were half a mile from where our pile of clothes were on the beach, Like, yes, it's unbelievable how far we traveled. It you don't even so.

Fucking powerful, and it's really scary once you because I'm always like, yeah, I'm from northern California, I understand how powerful the ocean is. But in Hawaii it's usually, especially at this beach, it's usually so low key that it seemed like, oh, these are just little waves. That's why we were laughing at the guy the day before because it's like, oh, could you knock it out of the ocean, And then it was like, holy shit, this is like serious business that you don't mess around with that.

And that's not even bringing up the fact like like April Richardsonois used to talk about they're being glowing the dark dinosaur fish with unicorn horns and all these like they're just space aliens in the water yeat So the fact that you can just standard.

Drown, you can standard drown, but you can also get eaten by basically an old dinosaur that has gotten so good at surviving that it's been around for millions of years and it just will it just you are like a trader Joe's app like sitting in the water, your big fat white body, and they're just like, do I want that cream cheese stuffed America?

Let's see.

Like they're just like they're choosing not to kill you every time you're in the ocean.

Oh, look at this pimiento olive with legs.

Yummy, They're delicious.

This will start me off at the four o'clock hour. That's a thing where like when the sun starts to go down, I'm like everyone else to get out because I'm positive that's when everyone's gonna get eaten by a shark.

Yeah. Yeah, be careful in the water out there, everybody, guys, just please be careful land water, even if it's your river or a lake or an any cub.

Cryptids are everywhere, including your.

Legs too much. Yeah, your kids in the house. When you have taken a bath, water is afraid. Be lightly afraid.

Always of all water, even a water water and all animals.

Yeah, and even a warm bowl of soup. Don't lane forward, no, no, no, no, it might be your last meal. You can drown in two inches of soup. But remember the old saying always remember you can drown in two inches, just two inches of soup. It's just on a camel's can.

A disclaimer, especially if it's any kind of a showder.

You're screwed. You're not getting out of that.

Not only you're drowning, there's a piece of potato lodged in there. Oh you're drowning and choking.

You're choking, you're drowning. Conky ch chambles kunky Okay, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I had to put that in there. Well, this was fun. We don't need we did it.

Yeah, we never do. We never have needed them. But we allow them.

We we allow them. We do.

We desire them, we do, we do. We're grateful for them, for sure, grateful for them. Thank you to all of our guests in the past. But you were not needed today, is my point.

True. We can do it with you and we can do it without chet.

This well, this was fun. Good to see you, friend, Yeah, you too, enjoy your enjoy your waterski pyramid. That will be executed perfectly. Please thank you.

Good luck with it.

Please send pictures to me and Andrew Sean. Remember that was the problem that was made. Yes, yes, okay, and I will say hi to the Flathead lake Monster.

For me, I will shake its little Finn you've been listening to Do You Need a Ride?

D y n Hey?

This has been an exactly right production.

Produced by Analise Nelson.

Mixed by John Bradley.

Artwork by Chris Fairbanks.

Theme song by Karen Kilgareth.

Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at dinar podcast That's d y nar Podcast.

For more information, go to exactly rightmedia dot com.

Thank you, Oh, You're welcome