S3 - Ep. 33 - Maeve Higgins

Hello, Dinar Sores, Who gross? I said, Sores. This is Chris Fairbanks. I have some shows coming up. August fourth, I'm in Portland at the ALBERTA. Rose Theater, and then August fifth, I'm at the Historic Crocodile in Seattle much like a young Soundgarden. Get your tickets at Chris Fairbanks dot com. Thank you and you're welcome.

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Do you need to ride? Do you need with Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need to ride?

This is Chris Fairbanks and this is Karen Kilgaroff.

Hi, Karen, how's your day been so far? Thus far?

It's actually been action packed, really packed with action. Your day packed with action.

And I will tell you a true story, but I just realized I forgot to bring them in here. I just before we got on this heard the Amazon man throwing my package against the door, which is how we do it, and I ran out to see what I got. Opened it up, and what do you know but the three ear cleaners that I ordered for you and me and cool up for livestock. Because we just talked about it on the last episode. Yes, arrived today.

I want it and I'm excited, and I'll come and get it because there's many things I need to give you.

Okay, great, I will tell you this though.

Yes, it's just a little twisted up wire thing that looks like a que tip that it would be in the Museum of Modern Art, right, So it's like spun around wire that's Q tip shape.

I think I've seen them. I've been excited by them. I've thought about how that would feel in my ear. I do know what it looks like. I'm very excited.

Okay, because I now will tell you I tried it out. Uh huh, nothing happened. Oh no, what it was just like rubbing a piece of metal around in my ear canal and making me nervous that I was going too far inside of my air canal.

And you did enter as you gently twist Yep, did you try a clockwise encounter? No?

I just kind of like touched the walls of my outer ear canal and was like, maybe this is for people who have such disgustings.

Yea, immediately it.

Wax by doing that, But like, that's not if you've.

Been in a coma or it needs to be taken care of. Yeah, maybe it's not a daily yeah, or it's a scam, darn't it.

I mean what, I don't know, because I think we should distribute them to you to cool up and to all of our guests from here on out, and then we take a constant ear canal cleaning quiz.

Yes, I do on every ear. Well, I just you know, I've been putting things in there, and by things, I mean mostly que tips, just because.

Of the feeling when you have an itch.

Yeah, it's just an itch. I like to scratch and sometimes it's not even itchy. But this is starting to get clinical and borderline gross. Like a lot of people maybe don't want to think about this, but I'm very excited to put that in my ear. And it's nice of you to order. Oh, thank you.

Of course, well, I wanted that immediate satisfaction, but also I thought the same thing. Once we were done with that conversation, we can ask today's guest how she feels about this topic. But I realized, after we had talked about it for fifteen minutes last week, what if people who have like air pods or whatever shoved in their ears right now? This is bumming them out right right because we're having a like a wax conversation.

Yeah, yeah, they don't like us waxing. I think, Yeah, I don't know. I still want to talk about it. A lot of stuff isn't for everybody. Okay, true, Welcome to the entire season of wax Talk.

Wax talk in your face, me too.

Yeah, anyway, I didn't do much that. I didn't have the best day. I wore shorts, so I never have a good day when I wear shorts. Oh oh, I don't know, are you? I don't. I look down and I see my legs and all confidence leaves my body and I it's like wearing shorts. They don't match my body, mainly because they're pale. That's because I always wear pants, but they're also just someone else's legs. They're very, very skinny.

It's true.

I agree, And today I tried to show off my gams and made me golf terribly and I think people were making comments.

No, I thank you.

I think you have a hard time publicly competing in sports and then suddenly it's about your legs and you're you're actually making up stories other people are telling because you feel so bad about golf.

I think you're right. It's I didn't think you're going to get No, it's true. At first, I wanted to fight you on it, but I think you're right. It is. It's about sports and competition. Yep. It's not my nice legs. They've been with me forever. I can't believe I talked down to them. Yeah, they are below me, all right us.

Well, I mean we don't have to go that.

We don't have to get like that, dad, right right, you know what we're going to do. I'm going to give you this ear cleaner, and then we're going to send you to the tanning booth and we're going to turn your Summer twenty two shorts issue around.

I'm going to be the happiest dad in town.

And who better to talk about tanning than our next guest. She's played clubs and colleges all over this country. Please welcome the legendary Irish raconteur nis May Higgins, the bronzed.

Goddess all of the famously not a vampire looking Irish woman. I'm actually glowing on screen. I can say, Chris, you look so tan, and Karen, you look browner than me at the moment.

Yeah, I think we just have different different shades of bas on right now. I feel like you went more with a with a pale or a pearlescent.

Well, you know, I just lost all my makeup. I went out dancing for the first time in maybe twenty years, I don't know. Yeah, and then I like that thing happened. It used to happen when I was really young, where like I came back to my purse and like all my makeup was gone, Like my wallet was still there.

But so I had to stole your makeup.

I'm sure I just dropped it like it was one of those nights. Yeah, but I so then I had such a laugh doing like you know, best drug store makeup or you know, because I was like, I'm not going to spend a lot of money after I did something so stupid, So you're right. I think I might have got quite a glowing white, chalky four dollars foundation for right age. I went to this do you know do you have right aig?

Oh?

Yes, and everything is like locked up. It's really depressing. And I had to like ring a bell for the guy to and it was like, honestly four dollars and it was still in a glass cage.

I was like, oh god, what if it was locked up because that's actually the vampire makeup section. And they're like, yeah, we can't just let anybody walk up and buy these shades. This is very intense. There's a paleness that's dangerous. Yeah, just buy it.

Yeah. Yeah, they're only open between nine and midnight. I think no mirrors anywhere, no garlic.

Yeah.

I mean, I'm not obviously gonna do that thing where I stare at my face the whole time, but it is quite a shocking contrast. And I can't help feeling that it's because my makeup was, you know, under five dollars.

There's some good ones though, that you can get these days. I feel like for under well maybe not under five, I think you had for a foundation. I think you might need to kick it up out of the wet and wild area and so like.

A coupon.

Yeah, I asked. I asked the pharmacist or a pharmacy person that worked at Walgreens, because some of the items are locked up and they're not expensive. He just said, people steal make up. They're locked up based on how often they're stolen. Yeah, sometimes there's you know, a hair dryer. But yeah, people people steal makeup. I guess because it's like, yeah, I don't want to I get it almost once again.

Wait, you didn't finish sentence. You just think, oh, I don't want to pay for.

It, right, Yeah?

Yeah, I mean I kind of felt like, you know how, it would just be so embarrassing if I got, you know, arrested and deported for over like something from rimmel.

Oh.

Yeah, so I was happy to pay, but it was a bit like the joy of it is like standing there looking at everything and putting like tiny bits on your hand, and you know, but you can't do that.

This is my struggle. You can't do that one.

Nope, you just have to have to make a decision in front of like a bored man who works at a pharmacy. Yes, and oh yeah, because he's opened the things.

So you have to basically really quickly assess yeah, just visually, yah.

Which one is going to match your skin?

So you can for bleak ivory.

Yeah in door for two years, pale per lesson. That is the problem I have all the time because I think people always talk about like there needs to be more inclusion and makeup lines and better color choices for and then it's like, yes, especially down in the weird pale blue area, Like, yeah, I'm pale and blue but old. So there's a little bit of a weird tan, but it's a ready tan, not like an olive pretty tan. So someone helped me down in the below area.

Yeah, the kind of under the iceberg an I know. Yes, the polar vortex of makeup.

I used to wear. The new Trigina makes like a face cream that has Yeah, it's just a moisturizer, but I was getting it with tint not realized, and this is like in high school and I was just putting it on. I liked what it was doing. But I was basically wearing foundation. I really realized one day when it was all around my white shirt. There was just it was like I didn't realize until that moment. I'm like, oh, I've been actively wearing foundation face. Yeah, yeah, no, wonder it.

Yeah.

Yeah, it smoothed you out artificially, Like, yeah, it is a great feeling.

Yeah, And I'm I might have that feeling again. I'm not afraid to buy with tint. Oops did I get with tint again? And then I wink at myself in the mirror. That's you.

Sure did, as he paints on a beauty mark at the corner.

Of his eye. Oh, I just do one Cindy Crawford right here.

And then a little highlighter on his cheek and boom, you're out the door.

Yeah I do. I wear sunscreen now, just because Karen one time at your party, You're like, you need to wear it sunscreen. Like I was just going outside skateboarding and golfing and not doing anything, and I'm real good about it.

Real He had turned a true brown berry colored. That was people.

And also it was when he had grown his hair out, and his hair's crazy curly and dense, and so he had a very I just wandered in your back gate vibe where people are like, who's this guy, and I'm like, that's Chris fair Bangs. But you're you had been outside for so long that you really did look like you had been away for a while.

Yeah, one day it hit me, I was I did look like, hey, who's this guy that wandered in from the bushes. Yeah, but I wasn't doing it.

I love that you did take care of each other that way and say like, you have to wear sunscreen because like it doesn't always occourage people, especially like men.

You know, yes, I really never did. And Karen, I swear I have it everywhere. Now I'm like, yes, good, yeah, oh.

But you know you don't need to put it everywhere, right, I mean.

I.

Know, I mean I like to apply it in all the places.

I know.

I have it everywhere in the house, like reading glasses. They're on every little side table, a little stick that you can just stick under your eyes.

But there was a I was starting to get worried because I think there's people and this is probably just my All of my family has all had different amounts of them cut off themselves because of melanoma.

So you look, I look at stuff like that.

I'm just like, it's funny now and it's cute now because you're skateboarding and having a good time, and in four years they're going to cut the tip of your nose off and you're gonna be like, why didn't I just why didn't I just put some mess It's that easy, and like, don't mess around because then when then you have the bills and the.

Ship to deal with. It's so scary. Emana was scary.

Yeah, it's horrible.

It's horrible. I like your idea of putting it all

Yes, a squat.

It was like when I open a door, I do two squats, like when I push my teeth, I put on ice cream. There was indicators everywhere in her home for like.

What she needed to do.

I mean it's kind of what you do with a toddler a little bit, yeah, but in her world it just made her have like, you know, a high type but and like a public facing job, yeah yeah, which she was maximizing her time at each moment she could possibly just be having a break and just stand Like when I stand at the freezer and eat a Snicker's obsessive like compulsively. Then I also do three lunches.

It's like, okay, I remember something sad that happened to my childhood.

With that fail, they really go hand in hand.

Yeah, candy bars and crying I knock out in one action.

You can start one and then the other. Really just it just fills it in.

Yeah.

But I do get so attracted to the idea though that you know that's possible for me, even though I don't think it's possible for me at this point, but like just the idea of it, it's so you know, oh, imagine how different i'd be.

Well, there's some real uh you know you read I read articles all the time where it's like self care, it is important, you have to prioritize yourself. It's like, okay, sounds good, but like those are the people who It makes me think of a person I worked with one time who would stand in a room full of people while everyone else was like sitting in a chair trying to pitch, and they would do like basically leg lifts, just stand up and do leg lifts the whole time.

Or am like?

Am I doing self care by not doing that right now? Like there, it's just a I don't know, there's a different ways of kind of prioritizing yourself that maybe I don't always agree with.

Oh my god, Yeah, I was trying to talk about this and my friend the other day because it's almost like you know when people are like, well, okay, she is toxic, so I'm cutting her out. I don't have time for that, and it's like, well, actually, like she this is going on with her and like all of us are going to be really messed up from time time. And that's also what being a friend is like, Yes, being around when somebody is being annoying or sad or you know some combination.

Yeah, it's a.

Little bit like that. Like so, yeah, there's kind of a militancy about like self cares very individualistic and it's like gets a bit frightening sometimes, right, but but it.

Almost it makes me go, is that the way you're supposed to do it? And I just kind of wasn't really good.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

Yeah, that one specifically, the exercising while having a conversation with someone. That's right, being on the phone while you're on your peloton. Why are you breathing so hard? It gets in the way of like communicating with someone if you're doing squad talking about ideas because I won't I won't even think of what someone's saying if they're doing leg lifts while I'm looking at them.

Walking like treadmill desk or something. But then you know, the other side of it is like what was easier in the world than gaining weight during quarantine? Where it's like I think there are those people that they do that, and then they prevent those kinds of events because they're just like, fuck it, I'm just going to do the thing that's going to make me never gain weight or something. Maybe.

I mean, I think I wonder like I remember before the pandemic and I went to like an audition and the cat I went to like shake the casting director's hand, and she was like, I don't do that.

You know.

She like kind of like waved me away because of germs. I guess because she would have to shake so many people's hands every day. Yes, yeah, but like of course I was like, I put a curse on you.

Now, I hate you so much, you know.

I really was so like mad at her. But afterwards then I was thinking, oh, actually, like it's her job.

She has to.

She's probably gotten like a million colds just from being polite and you know, so so I think probably what she was doing was kind of self care, like self preservation, but in the context where you I was feeling vulnerable already because I was like coming in looking for a job or something that felt a bit, you know, And I did put a curse on her, and she has she has passed.

Did you do it in the moment, In that moment or later on light some can Oh no.

I actually when she refused to take my hand, I held her face in between both my hands and I muttered a curse into her mouth.

She actually whispered some live bees right into her mouth.

From that day on.

I hate it when you think you're meeting a new person and really you're just inhaling their curse bees. So you don't like that, well, I always get tricked by it. I never see him coming, those those green mild bees. Not again.

You just have a funny feeling you're tummy after you meet like another Irish woman she did to me too, not her, not this ship again.

I'd be okay with that curse if it was just a tummy issue, just a little.

Like someone curses you with like low level excitement.

Oh yeah, yes, yeah, it's just fun, minor inconvenience.

So are you auditioning for stuff like these?

No?

This is a while ago. Like I have in my life auditioned. You know, I probably count the times, like eight times maybe or something, but it never works out. You know, I think I'm just a comedian in that way where it's just like somebody has to just give say, oh I know her, like she'd be funny doing this right or else writed for me or something. But yeah, auditioning, can't I can't seem to do you know? Same?

Well I always I go in for a lot of commercials, not much anymore, but yes in my life and they there is always that thing in the room where I don't understand why they would want to make you feel uncomfortable or have power over you, because it's it's not going to help any It's not going to help you do a good job. It's like, well, now things are just weird because you were kind of rude to me, and now I don't want to be here. So I

But have you ever had it?

I got called in for an audition one time. I think it was for Modern Family, and it was like I had been not performing for years and then I got this audition. I was like, why in God's name would they call me in for like a major ABC comedy you know whatever it was. And the casting director was so nice to me that it rattled me and I couldn't do it. I was just like, I don't even know where I am. This has never been my

I can't concentrate. Yeah, they need to be somehow neutral, which is yeah, yeah, kind of an impossible ask.

Totally neutral, yeah, one way or the other. It's been one time I went in for a commercial audition and it was Wayne mcclammy, who's this filmmaker that I did stuff with in Austin. We moved here around the same time. Now he's a wildly successful commercial director, but he my mom had just passed, and he asked he just right when I walked in the room, He's like, Chris, I heard about your mom. How are you doing? And I

Yeah, yeah, he either should have said heard the news, couldn't care less?

Yes, and that. Yeah that's good. Yeah, there's there's the classic environment for me to showcase my talents. I feel terrible. Yeah, I definitely didn't get that job, but you never do. It's always a gamble. But I did always appreciate that he asked it as a person. I was as a person that he asked.

But I just have one note for know, and that is, can't you do it after just hold it for one moment?

Well, in a way, I think he was doing that to as a because there was all the clients in there that we're sitting in, like the people that don't ever introduce themselves a table of people. Sometimes they're deciding who's good, and he was showing, hey, I know this guy without saying this is my friend. Pay attention. I really think that's why he was doing it. And what whether they're lighthearted topic to pick.

I don't know about. Like sometimes you do want to, you know, without kind of saying I've known her for eight years. You do want to like let the group know that, like you're close, but saying like mentioning the worst thing that's ever happened and the most recent worst thing that's ever happened to.

Most recent yes, yeah, or unless it was for like a pac Soul commercial or something, you know what I mean, something that was appropriate to the material.

Well, it's funny now that I think more about it, because now I feel like he asked before I went in the room. Uh, and not in front of you, you know what, I think that's what happened. And I'm but the but the being said and tearing up has happened definitely in front of that group of people.

I've teared up at auditions when no one asked me anything. I just fucking hate it so much and find it to be absolutely humiliating and torturous to have to be kind of like be like, you know, bowing to these people where I'm just like, what have you ever done? It's so bad for my personality, and yet I did it for years.

That's funny. It's yeah, it's no testament to my training at all. But once I moved to Los Angeles, I learned to cry on command no matter where I was traffic while doing squats.

May have.

Can I just tell you that the last movie I saw in the theaters before Quarantine was extraordinary and I we went and bought tickets because you guys were supposed to be there on a panel.

Oh.

And then so we got there and they're like, we we thought the whole thing was going to be closed or canceled or whatever, and they were just like, nope, no panel, but you can still watch the movie around.

Oh that's okay. Oh I didn't realize that, thank you. Yeah, it was course right at that time. And you know that means lack, because I know you auditioned for that movie.

You know, you and I always get called in for the same stuff. Yeah, they said she just was weeping and weeping. We couldn't make out the words Chris mom, and then just used tricks to try an audition.

Oh my god.

But it was so it was so thrilling to see you in a movie that movie is insane, It's hilarious. Will foretas in it with you?

Who else is in it? Ikat? Sorry, well Claudio Darty is in it and Barry Ward. It plays like my kind of boyfriend and it's mainly the four of us. And yeah, I'm glad you've enjoyed it. I mean it was so fun. It's like a comedy horror Chris that like my friends wrote it and put me in it, which is again the way the only way I think

Yeah, I consider myself part of that community as far as an interest.

Oh well, I don't know if you were, I'll check with them.

Oh, no, one's really seen you.

I'm kind of on the outside. I'm part of the but I'm watching in voyeuristically.

That is comedy horror actually, to think about Chrispy in the Window as you guys are like a panel.

Yeah, perfect.

How do how do I watch Extraordinary right now?

I guess like you can just get it on streaming. A lot of people get in canopy, you know, it's like the free library what you stream for library cards.

Oh that's a good way to watch us. That's great canopy. Yeah, I'm going to look into this after. Instead of ask both the.

Movies, just use your library cards. That's my favorite way of doing it.

Yeah, yeah, I need you mean the library card that I have and utilized weekly. I haven't had a library card since I was like twelve, and I really embarrassed. I know, I'm embarrassed.

You can get audio books, and you can just get normal books, and you can get so many movies, and if you live in probably not Los Angeles, but you can get like ice skates if you live in you know, Minnesota, right, or you get everything in the library real ice skates.

Yeah. I can't remember what it was, but someone not an overhead projector. It was something that has nothing.

To do to get a projector. I bet you could get a projector. Libraries, yeah, presents. The librarians are just like the coolest witches, you know, very subversive, like really holding it down I think in America at the moment. Yeah, so anyway you could you could watch the movie through your library, or you get it obviously on Amazon, which is the other stalworth of our democracy.

It's okay, I mean that is the most convenient, but uh, just so I can support because my sister also is a cool library witch. Oh lovely, she's a librarian. Yeah, so yeah, that's so cute.

Where is her?

Are you allowed to say it's in a school?

I just don't really like when I talk about them.

No, it's I said that Lisa likes it. Yeah, yeah, and she's a school librarian in Spokane, Washington.

Wow, that's very witchy, our Pacific Northwest.

It is, especially when it rains, very spooky.

And she wears her hat.

Yes, yes, that's pointing and water resistance.

But wait to go back to you guys got to go to festivals, so I was picturing my experience was your experience.

With that movie.

But you guys actually did get to do all the fun stuff before Quarantine started.

I mean, yeah, we were well, so we did the festivals and then it was got a general release, which we were so excited about because it's like a small Irish movie really, you know, well will Fort isn't it, So that makes it much you know, better and bigger and stuff. But yeah, so we were it was just coming out in America, like it started in March twenty so yeah, a lot of I guess in New York.

The movie's fine, Well they can't approve that, right, Yeah, no thing.

And then you know, if you believe science whatever, yeah everything. Me all just called me out.

There she is.

So it was funny to be because like then people were seeing it on airplanes and like, we're very surprised to see me popping up in it. And yeah, it's just such a funny little journey that that film has had. Yeah, it's great. That's so thank you for going to see it. I'm sorry that I didn't get to see you then. But also, can you imagine if you watched it and you hate it, and then like the lights came up and you were like.

I was like, oh, hey, what's up. I was just I'm just checking my friends. I was I needed some popcorn. I need to get some half empty popcorn. But so I was just picking them up off the ground and needing them.

Great to see you though, really nice person.

You No, what I My plan was is that you guys were going to be all up on the panel and then I would start asking a series of really irritating self referential questions they always do on those panels. It's I love it so much where people are like hey.

And there I was just like, I noticed, yes, yep, when I was first a D on A I noticed, I'm just setting up the reason I'm asking this question. Yeah, so you know it comes from a real place. Anyway, first a D that was me.

I just went I was in La for the first time in you know, years, because for the l a book festival a few weeks ago, and it was it's obviously like a funny place to have a book festival, and like the I went to this good point. I went to this one panel and it was like all these women basically sort of historians, and they had each each of them had written like these really intense books

I listen.

I would buy all three of those ips. These are awesome stories. And it's like, what are you talk shut the You're gonna buy the History of Cuba in America as an IP and you're gonna make why are you gonna make it? And then you're also gonna buy like you know, the story of Ruins of Pompeii, Like what are you talking about? And then and that was it. She only she just wanted to say that. And then there's like three incredible academics are just like thank you.

Like narcissists love a festival, you know what I mean. It's like they somehow it's like maybe because they truly have genuine interest. But I am always amazed at the kind of people who go because I was raised by people who literally like won't let you sing Happy Birthday in public, Like like my sister almost strangled me one time where I'm like, look a cake is coming, and she's.

Like, like, it's so the opposite.

Then there's a terrible song, it takes too long and everyone stares at you.

The thing in Los Angeles.

Where all the people that live here are so good at inserting themselves where they don't belong.

It's the reason they live here, and so they're.

Like, yeah, yeah, Pompeii, this this applies to me.

I'm going to go explain to everybody how it's amazing. Yeah, it was bizarre and like again, like she wasn't really hurting anyone, but I was like, why did you have to do that? And she was delighted. She's swinging her ponytail. Going back to her, She's just like, I did really well there, Like she hurt me. You felt you had a psychic like a wind at like eleven am a few saturdays ago. Well that was her some academics being talked down to by first siting.

By someone who works in Hollywood, like how do you work in Hollywood to say.

It like that? So you're employed and you exist in the place we are right now, like.

The town hall or what are you talking about, specifically city council.

Down at the docks. Yeah, it is a weird way. You can almost see what she's trying to Like she was saying, I would.

Well, I think it's the highest compliment she could imagine.

Yes, yes, yes, totally, I give all these the green light for production. She's wearing a beret and Cuba straight to Siri.

The Cuba Pompeii connection next on the net Geo channel.

What that actually sounds good?

Wait, No, were you at that book festival because you have written a book.

Yeah, I was there for I was doing a panel that was about like writing funny in strange times or or something like that. It was kind of about you know, being a I was going to say, Harris being a heeler. Yeah, here she comes, mother Higgins, take your herbs, like yeah, but that's what I was there. And then I was on It was actually cool because I was on with an illustrator, Maria Tatia, who's like does all these sort of like grumpy, chubby women who you know, just are

Yeah, there's always going to be merch in an La festival of any kind. There's always going to be and it's like you're out try your Outlander gatorade zero today.

And the other kind of heartbreaking thing was they put the poets like outdoors and like, I know, I think I understand why they did that because it was, you know, make it accessible and like have everyone passing by just

That made me, you know, laugh.

Cry in the background.

It's just just honking, just like a bunch of honking people.

Yeah, helicopters.

Yeah, oh yeah, wow outside. That's actually the worst idea. Someone thinks of poems and they you know, because poems are always about trees and flowers and ship. Yeah, yeah, let's put them on the trees and flowers and ship.

Or they're they're confusing poets with like slam poets or you know what I mean, like something the last time they hear something in a movie where they're like, oh, poets they love to talk into microphones.

They're going to want to like battle outdoors.

Yeah, yeah, and they're going to talk like this right.

The hope caps were missing?

And did you need something? Pause?

Do you want to talk about your book? Do you want to tell us specifically about your book?

Oh, my romance novel, my erotica. It's like so immature that I even think that's like a funny thing to say. Lots of people would just be like, yeah, tell us about your erotica, and I'd be like, that is.

You don't understand.

I think if someone says like lover or something and I'm just dying.

It would really go against the grain of your the personality at least as I know you, because I think we've talked about this before. But May've is the person who I've met you probably two or three times. But the first time I met you, I was like, I absolutely know her and like you were just immediately just like I know her very well. So anytime people will be like may have Higgins, I'm like, yes, I know,

If you had to describe me in one word, anti erotic.

The word if someone describes introduces someone as their lover, I would giggle forever. Good.

Yes, yes, friends, lovers welcome.

Oh oh, that's the person that when they enter a room they come and kiss you on the cheek. I'll laugh at that too. But people just do that.

Yeah, I know, they're just very comfortable with, you know, different aspects of themselves.

Yes, yes, something I've.

Got No, you know, like I write more than like I met to Karen doing stand up. I remember that very well as well, and I remember.

Being like, oh, one of the.

Goodness. It's always such a relief. But I probably do more writing now like then.

I mean I do.

I still do stand up every week, but it's like just hosting a show that's really fun and easy, like I'm not trying to you know, get five, get up there. Yeah, but yeah, so I mainly do writing.

Right well, every when I would see the stuff that you would post. Are you not on Twitter anymore?

Did you get off? I left Twitter? Actually yeah, Oh.

I feel proud of you, but I it was I might go back. You can always come back. But I tried to tag you in something because you were on that first episode of Adulting, which is so hilarious.

I mean, I really.

Feel Michelle Bueaux and Jordan they needed me there because they really did, do you know what I mean? Like they're fine, but there's something I'm something of a mentor and they just raise their game and can feel the energy shift when I appear. You know, yes, you know if it really was, and it was, you leveled everything up.

Mother Higgins came in.

Mother Higgins healing the adult and podcast and continuing to heal with eroticism and overt sectionality.

Oh my god, but.

Wait, are you going to tell us about your book?

Oh?

Yeah, sorry, So, I mean that's all there is, really Like, it's it's it's my second collection of essays, and there are nine essays in the book and they're about all different things and they come from writing that I've done

That's the best. I love that title. It's so funny. Yeah, that's really Fay paint such a picture already. I'll read that. I am someone that is embarrassed about how little I read, but I will read.

You think because you're because you're it's just a librarian that you think I don't need. She does all the reading.

I do think that. And also I feel that way about writing because she is a writer. I'm like, well, I'm not the writer. My my sister is the writer. I can't also do that.

It's not allowed.

It isn't we can't double up. So how do you so? How do you?

How do you collect your jokes? They're just all in the mental file. You have to put them.

Somewhere face after them, like the with a butterfly net.

Really really tan and sunburn at the same time on his face in the Butterfly Net.

Yeah, I want. I love well. I just like if someone backs me into a corner and said, what's the last thing you read? I'm not lying when I say it it's David Sedaris or something that is essays I do like I have a problem with sitting down and I'm I realize suddenly that the last three pages I've been thinking about things I need to do. I'm not even paying attention. I'm just reading the words. I have a bit of attention problem. I have no time.

That's yeah, your eyes are going over the words, but you are absolutely like arguing I'm someone in your head.

I do it constantly.

I'm glad every time I described that someone relates to it and I realize it's not just me, and I'm not dumb because it haunted me, like and you know when you're in school and you realize, like, oh my god, I have not retained the last three pages. There is something wrong with me, my comprehension. I always thought I had my own special problem, but yeah, thank.

You, No, I think it's really and it's also all of our attention spans. But what's really useful? Because something else that I did. I had started it before the pandemic, but I was really lucky I did because then I got to fully do it, which was a master's degree. And I didn't go to normal college or anything like that. So I went back later and did a master's degree. And I was really worried about that, Chris, because I do the same. I read and I say, I can

That's great because then also I would be considering it a writing exercise for myself, which is something I also looms over me that I'm not doing enough of as far as.

Yeah, and it's only happening. I mean, this is like my favorite thing just like giving advice that nobody asked for. No, I can hear that, like you sound like kind of worried that like you, I.

Am, Yeah you are. This is the right place for the advice.

So I would do that. And it really just your brain just gets a little bit stronger every time. And then oh, like when I say set your timer, your timer is so that you don't look at your phone. Obviously you don't do anything else for those you don't.

Like you said set your timer, I do assume oven. I mean I really it's right, and it's not a big apartment.

So you pop into the oven. Okay, you pop into the oven, your whole body in the oven. You get that book in there, and if you feel too warm, no, you must finish your reading.

And once you smell the onions crisping, I'm actually cooking at the same time.

One hand out, sat stuff on the stone.

Sat reading, squatting. I'm gonna quit. I'm gonna quit mentioning the squats. That's the fourth time I've tried to call back the squats.

You know what, love it, Keep trying. It's going to hit. Yeah, it will look at number six, just like there'd be like a long pause at the end of this podcast and then just you'd be like, I'm squat.

Oh they're just might be lucky number six.

Yeah, but yeah, So I mean I just I also like, did this thing. This is unproven, but that's a proven thing. Okay, that helps you if you find yourself reading and not taking anything in, try that. But then the unproven thing is like, because I'm you know, like all of us just so addicted to my phone blah blah blah. So like I went into Apple and I and I it

And he was like, oh, you mean like hostile design? And I was like sure, hostile design, yes, wow.

And so I got like a smaller, kind of a crappier iPhone and then I had before and it's just like not as attractive to look at, you know, because it's just like a bit smaller and grayer or something. And they do that a purpose, They design it that way on purpose. Yeah, I mean I had heard that, and then like he seemed to confirm that, but he also made a joke about being like my boss here

And Whendy he said hostile design is is that the phrase he used? And is that a phrase that pertains to that? He said?

I think he said hostile design? Yeah, I think he did, because then I remember then I was like swapping all my data from one phone to the new, like hostile little one, and I was like so pleased with myself. And then some other Apple employee I guess, like he was gone, and then she came over and I said it to her. I was like, look, I'm going to

I'm a bigger fan of your colleague than you.

Yeah, And then I started thinking, did he even work here?

If you were just talking about like a red shirt or whatever?

Gave me his old flip phone. There's some hostile design, ma'am.

It's called a sidekick.

So wait, so like you two used to actually collect people from the airport, right, Yes? I heard that, yeah, and I just thought that was still of the idea. But also I don't finally has said it before, but Karen, you surely know about like a ride, right, like, oh yes in Ireland?

Yeah, yes, and throwing the leg over. I knew you'd bring this back to eroticism. It's my nature, you know. Basically in Ireland, our podcast is do you need to get laid?

Essentially?

Yeah, oh wow.

And I was only reminded because I said to my sister that I was doing it later and that, and she was like.

Oh, that's a bit much, is it.

It's no like they actually said, they actually mean it. It's because they used to actually collect comics because we're always on the road.

You know.

Yes, she was very skeptical, but I was like, no, genuinely, like, it's.

Not an ext question. Love it.

I don't need to ride.

I love that she's bummed out or just like okay, take it.

She's like very happy with my choice.

You know.

It's like she likes comedy and everything, but sometimes she is a bit like, oh my goodness, I have to babe, does it always have to be about the sex and then getting a ride all the time? And it's actually just like the most sweetest concept ever. It is. Really.

It was based on, well, Chris and I knew we wanted to do a podcast together, and then my aunt Kathleen used to live right by San Francisco Airport. She lived in Millbray, which is just the town like right across from it. So anytime in our big family, if anyone had to go to the airport or was coming home from somewhere, Aunt Kathleen would pick you up because she hated the idea that anyone would just be there and then have to get on an airport or whatever.

Yeah, Yeah, it's the loveliest. It's the loveliest. And also because like I don't know how common, but I because I only learned how to drive actually last year. I was really late learning how to drive, so like always getting a ride for me from the airport or from anywhere else, especially with having no family here, it's almost like takes on like a magical quality.

Yes, how is this possible?

But actually, like transport can be fun, you know, like it's actually incredible. But I did get my license, but I haven't really driven here yet, but I somehow passed.

I can't believe.

You know what the average time for a driving test is in America?

No, do you want to get like the length of time you drive to take the average length?

Yeah, the AVERD length of the test. Yeah, I would guess fifteen minutes. Eight eight yeah, eight, yeah, I mean walking. They tell about you and it was like they absolutely. I couldn't believe it because you're driving in stuct like brings you to the test center. And then even he was like, are you you passed? I was like, yeah, I swear, and I had to like show them the page and everything. He was like, oh, okay, but he was worried.

Wow, I did so f eight minutes.

That's crazy.

If I think back to doing that test in high school, I sweat. You had to drive downtown and parallel park and traffic. It was the I remember being drenched in sweat. It was so scary and it lasted all damn day.

Yeah, it did feel really long.

And I remember I changed lanes in the middle of an intersection when he was like, oh, get into the right hand lane, and I did it going through an intersection. I almost failed my test.

I think.

I think failing you if you got a seventy you failed. I think I got a seventy one. So I just did it by the skin of my teeth and never changed lanes in the middle of an intersection since or on a bridge that's also illegal. Oh you see, that's really good to know that kind of thing. Yeah, I mean, if you can't do it all the time, but it is, you're not supposed to.

Maybe there's different because like here, I just felt like you can. Like New York is just so tricky to everything is like so tight and there's pedestrians everywhere and you have to go really slowly. So that's a blessing, yes, I think, But like they don't did. I don't remember them making me Parlot Park or anything, but they were just like, okay, you're fine, Like she seemed to be kind of checked out honestly, which is a wonderful way to be, especially in a testing situation.

Yes, yeah, it's when we first started doing the podcast Lift an Uber. It either I think it was just starting to be a thing, like yeah, I or it just fully didn't exist yet.

It was an eight years years ago. Yeah no, yeah, yeah, it would.

Have been eight years Yeah, and then the so now lax has just kind of overrun. It's so it became so stressful, so we don't we kind of don't want to go.

Yeah, we would always be late picking people up because we would enter Lax kind of on time, but it would take like twenty minutes to get around to like United or Southwest gates.

I'm crazy.

This is what I'm just relearning after, you know, since the pandemic has like you know, we're back traveling again. I missed my flight the other day because I was I went to FK. I used to be fully able to like travel around, have grown up by myself. Then I was at JFK literally just like sitting down with coffee, cup of coffee. I was supposed to be going to record wait, wait, don't tell me in a different city.

Really someone vacuuming. Oh no, I can't Yeah, I can't believe I would do something. I would call the super shuttle, which was a van of strangers and depending on where they lived, you could be late for a flight just and not Oh so you have to build it.

If you're going to take the airport shuttle, you had to held in easily three hours, like yeah, they could go anywhere. There was one morning I could talk about this forever. I got on a super shuttle at like five thirty in the morning because I had to go do colleges, and I saw it was such a nightmare, and of course I was incredibly hungover, and we picked up. It was like I got picked up. I was by myself in there for a little while. Then like say,

Into the throw a puddle there, and my car floated and was totaled on Rossmore. Continue your story, Okay, okay.

But now we know exactly where I'm talking.

Yes, Yes, everyone knows where I flooded my car.

Yes, And I remember that the woman took no joke twenty minutes to come out like she like it was there and she wasn't there waiting, and we waited for her. And at one point, after like fifteen minutes, I go, sorry, why are we waiting for this person?

Why are we waiting? Right?

It was just like then, I was the angry lady on the shuttle.

I've been in this exact position. It's giving me. I literally experienced deja vous because I've had the exact send. You were the woman I was listen.

He was sitting on his tinted moisturizer.

Yeah. Well, and just came out with three big old Duffel bags of nothing but socks. I don't know how any pack yet. The other way, when you're getting picked up to be at the airport to be dropped off. I always found it off putting that you're showing strangers where you live. Like, what if you get in an argument in the van and then they just stop right at your door. Yeah, because there's always some weirdo in the van? Is here everybody? Yeah, Hey, there's the door

Wait, I thought you meant like hotels. This is your actual homes.

Yes, they they they pick you up at at your home or drop you off.

Yeah, I wouldn't.

And it's a.

Shared Does this something a bit scary? Right?

Yeah?

I think it's from the nineties. I think I don't know these days. I think it's what Uber turned into. But when you were just like a broke comic in the nineties, where you you wanted to get to the airport, you couldn't take a cab because it cost you one hundred dollars.

This would cost you twelve. But you were carpooling with.

Half your irresponsible neighborhood, and it was just like I barely got on this thing, and now I have to be like, I'm made late by this lady who can't even be bothered when it's like, no, I'm usually this person.

Why don't I get to be this person?

Yeah, yeah, I still see the vans. I might do it again, get.

In there and see if it's an experience.

The price.

Yeah, but you know that's the other piece of really enjoy lax is hard these days. Of course, Bourbonk is a dream, but that idea that traveling is so stressful and hard that I feel like I put myself into like a little snailshell the entire time I get dropped off. I'm moving through the airport, I get on that plane, there's anxiety, there's weird behavior from others, whatever. I lock

But yeah, it is, and it's like, could is it? You know, I mean, is that a good enough reason to get married?

Maybe?

Does that justify unhappy relationships?

I have to the right. I'd have a ride all the time, and then someone could use this expensive massaging gun that I don't know how to use on my own back.

Yeah, those are two really good reasons.

Yeah, yeah, it's I Otherwise, I was thinking of developing some sort of amount for the wall that triggers the massage gun, and then you kind of back into it.

I wouldn't do that.

I think that it's it's a pretty good idea.

Well what about private mount though, make that in a private area?

Oh yeah, no, it's for my back. I have knots in my back. This isn't the Karen your dirty waist high kind of wall massage er. I really do have back.

Don't let the pizza boy. We all have what did you call it, knots in our backs.

I should settle down and need someone to take care of these knots in my mack back.

The podcast that Mave's sister didn't want us to be. I know you are just doing it anyway such inevitable, So you still you still host butter Boy comedy which we've had a partner has been on and talked about it and it's my truly my favorite title of a comedy show.

Oh I love doing that. Yeah, we host that every every Monday. Myself a Parna and there's another woman I can never remember her name, Joe Firestone. Do you know a woman?

Woman?

She's good, she's getting good. But no, we've been doing that for years now and it's it's lovely and it's cool as well to see all the like young comedians coming off and they're so brilliant and silly and free and like I love. I just love doing that every Monday.

Yeah, that's miss I mean.

I give them notes like severe, you take your take, your second last joke, put it number one, take number one, put it right.

That's the note I every Karen, just tole silly.

Don't be so free, and why do you feel so free to be silly?

Shut it down?

Think about that strength being. I've always said being silly comes with a cost.

Yes, it's always ha ha before wow, here a butterboy comedy.

We're gonna teach you a lesson.

Do you still you said you were traveling for Wait? Wait, don't tell me, Oh, I.

Just I mean they went remote like during the so but yeah, like I'm going there. Yeah, this week they tape in Chicago, so they just got a new theater in Chicago, so that's going to be lovely to do that. And then and then they go on the road sometimes and so they and they bring the comedians along with them, so it's actually like been a cool way to see different parts of the country.

You have gone with them with them.

Yeah, yeah, but I mean to like Saint Paul. Yeah, yeah, it's cool because I wouldn't get to see that otherwise.

And also they have such a dedicated it's such a good show.

It's been on for a really long time.

It's like the audience must just be so thrilled to be able to see what they've been listening to for so long.

I would imagine, yeah, they like the show is just like this. You know, the hosts have been there, Peter and Bill, and they're just so lovely and the listeners know them really well, like people have grown up with the show, which obviously I didn't because I'm not from here. But what's so cute to me when you go out is there's often like families and they have. It seems to me like eleven year olds are like the kind of there's sometimes older kids there too, but like eleven

I'm like, how cute is that?

And then I just he wants a message from a comedian for his birthday, like that is like the nerdiest, most beautiful thing. And then I just say to them, you know, happy one hundred and eleventh birthday. I can't believe you've made it. And then they're just like then they're like the mom sends me a photo of like just like a gangly boy, just like laughing.

So yeah, I love it. It's my favorite email to get is my kid likes you. It's like, oh, okay, that means so much more for some reason.

Yeah, I think so too. I think because like theyre they If there's the older kids, I'm obviously so scared of because like I'm just like, oh my god, I know I'm just embarrassing. But like the younger kids like something about like under twelves, if they approve of you, you're just like, God, I must be something right and they just laugh. They laugh so like on inhibited. They're so uninhibited, you know, it's just like it's so fun.

Any random situation that has caused me to do stand up for kids, you know, parents and kids, or I've done a kid's birthday party once. It was a gig at a festival. But for some reason, it feels so much better to be able to make kids laugh without you know, crossing your eyes and being falling down, which I will do if it makes kids laugh.

Oh my god.

You know.

One of my biggest regrets is I got laser surgery on my eyes and I can't cross them anymore.

Oh what Literally, wait a minute, you're trying, right, trying?

My eyes are hurting right now, trying a minute.

Did the laser hit the musculature of your optic nerve? I don't know much about eyeballs.

I guess like they used to cross naturally and I used to wear glasses. And also I just think it's like the funniest thing in the world is crossing ice.

Yes, but I do. I'm okay with it.

I can't do it anymore because I guess they over correct this.

Well, how do you look like right now, look at the tip of your nose. I can't, you can't, You're right, they are? Wow?

Is it good for Is this good for a poet?

It is very visual. I I maybe just put your finger in forever nose and the eyes were dead set. It's like you were each what's looking past the finger?

Yeah? Isn't it so sinister? So that's the greatest regret of my life.

You can't rely on pure physical comedy anymore the way you used to.

Have to level up, you have to get.

My body.

Always back to the body, the breath.

Oh disappointed sisters, everywhere.

You perfect you, perfectly buttoned.

It may a light to get to talk to you for an hour.

Such a tree, so, such a tree, thanks to both.

Yea very fun and and let's not you too. I'm I'm about to do some squats. He did it. I did it. I brought up.

And then you didn't even do what I know.

I realized I was already sitting, and it's like, how do I do this? I might hurt my spine? Yeah, I could do the shoulder squats. Oh, visually, that would have been good shoulder squats.

Any plugs that you want to talk about or anything you want. People aside from wait, wait, don't tell me or Better Boy comedy, people.

Can find me on Instagram at Maven America. I'm still holding out there for now, so that would be lovely. And I just want to say, like, it's so cool. I always see how like exactly right donates money to different causes. That is very cool because I don't see a lot of podcast networks doing that. And if I was you, i'd make it bigger data like so you and enjoy to just kind of like Musher, like there's like something terrible happening in the news and you're the musher. Okay,

You do.

You're doing a lot and it's so wonderful and I really appreciate it.

Thank you, my friend. Good for you, Thank you very much. I appreciate I feel seen, and I appreciate it. I think it's just it feels like these days and with the things that are going on and the extremity of everything, it just feels like it isn't enough.

Nothing's enough.

And so I think there's that piece of like, you know, we were given money.

It's easy to give.

Money when we were given money, you know. To me, it's just like keep it moving. It's like we got some money, keep that money, move in and actually direct it to our the places where it's needed. Because these fucking days, it's just like, please give as much money as you can to the A C. L U and all these play the smart people who are actually fighting back against straight up Nazis in the street.

Like to me, I know, but I think I have to hear you. I just I think it's really important to point out when you do it though, just because it like jogs the rest of us as well. The so like an airhorn, just a quick kind of thing, yeah, just like you know, I mean, maybe you can make a jingle. I know you haven't traditionally done that, but you know, aren't we good? Aren't we good?

Look at us? We're so good.

That's just an idea or a series of slaps and it's like that's us patting ourselves on the back.

Rhythmic slapping sound or like one of those you know, like when you hit a hammer and it.

Like goes like a carnival.

We give away this much today or something. Dang. Yep, oh I appreciate it, Yeah, of course, and thanks for today.

We're gonna we're gonna get some money started for to get your eyes crossing again. I think that's our next important donation, don't you think get a little half the half?

I really was not hinting at all.

Fun, undo this laser surgery.

I'll start contacting doctors. So when I'll get a few quotes.

Yep, we're like and fifty thousand dollars go to it's worth everybody.

Look at these eleven year olds cracking off across.

Look at this new closing bit.

The big eye cross all right, Well, thank you so much for all right?

Yeah, okay, that's so much fun.

Yeah that was awesome.

You've been listening to Do you need a ride?

E y n A R.

This has been an exactly right production.

Produced by Casey O'Brien.

Mixed by John Bradley, artwork by s Fairbanks. Theme song by Karen Kilgarriff.

Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at dinar podcast That's.

D y n ar Podcast. For more information, go to exactly rightmedia dot com.

Thank you, Oh, you're welcome.