S3 - Ep. 3 - Yeardley Smith

Are you leaving? I you wanna way back home? Either way, we want to be there. Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a terminal and gay. We want to send you off inside. We wanna welcome you back home. Tell us all about it. We scared her? Was it fine?

Malborn?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Ride?

Do you need.

With Karen and Chris.

Welcome to Do you need a ride? This is Chris Fairbanks.

And this is Karen Kilgariff.

Hello, my friend Karen.

Hello Chris.

You know what, I'm cool as a cucumber right now, I'll tell you that.

I'm casual as Helen in no way of freaking out about our guest today at all.

No, I'm not going to nerd out.

This is a normal day and a normal guest that isn't going to make me act ridiculous in any way.

We as people who have a driving stand up comics in a car to the airport podcast, Yes, we're kind of not used to this level of fame, this level of cultural immersion, this level.

Of iconic I was gonna say icon were you?

But what's the noun you were going to put after iconic, because now I can't think of what goes there iconic.

Ness, iconic ness. Yeah, we should.

Stop doing this part and introduce our guests.

I think you're right, but I do like to say I do enjoy the beginning of our podcast. Often I enjoyed what we just did, just to give us a little credit.

But let us now introduce.

We don't need credit.

No, no, we need to start this podcast, Yes we do.

Ladies and gentlemen today right now our guest, mm hmm, it's Yardley Smith.

I just been snickering into my hand for the last five minutes, trying not to make a sound. Maybe the best intro ever.

And you'll back me up right, Iconicness is totally a word, right, I.

Think it is? Yes, I do. I do think so. I thought you were going to say, like she's an iconic egg plant.

It could have gone wrong, it could have gone bad after just the descript or.

Iconic iconic cushion.

Yes, you bring comfort to the world.

Yes, that's right. How are you today?

Ley?

We're so excited to see you.

Thank you. I am so excited to be here. This really is an honor. I mean, Karen, have been a fan of yours. You obviously my favorite murder You. You're like the gold standard.

You're thank you.

Who we all want to be. And then I started listening to Do You Need a Ride? And I was super excited that I could maybe be a guest on this podcast with you and Chris.

Well, now thank you from me.

Then, Chris, do you have a mural on your wall? And is that like jungle?

It is a and you can just find them online. It's a photo wall mural. It is wallpaper, but you put it together like a puzzle.

It was six pieces.

And uh yeah, it feels like I'm in Hawaii every day?

Is it the jungle?

Cris?

It is a tropical I don't know where, it seems like, uh it is Hawaii. And then in my bedroom I have kind of a Montana snow scene, like a mountain scene.

Nice.

Yeah. Yeah. I put it up and finished it days before.

We were all locked into our apartments for a year and a half, so it was perfect timing.

You're like a visionary. You knew you were going to need some other areas to focus on.

I started covid yeah.

Well thanks for coming clean after all this.

Yeah, a lot of people are blaming a bat and it's just it's yeah, it was just me.

I have a laboratory. It's a long story.

So you yourself and I can't.

I guess I could have said a conic podcaster, because you've been doing small Town Dicks now for is it five years?

Four years? Actually? We launched in September twenty seventeen, but we are in our ninth season. We do two seasons a year, and it's going really well. I co host with identical twin detectives Dan and Dave, which you tell that to be able to are like, that's not true.

Yeah, that's a gold mine.

Then you add the extra layer on it, which is that aren't you married to one of those detectives.

I'm engaged to Detective Dan actually, which is pretty pretty great. It's number three for me, third marriage for me, not now third times of charm, number one for detective Dan. So I hope he doesn't fuck it up and I'm not the starter.

Well, if he does, there's always his twin brother.

Yeah, because that wouldn't be weird switch, right, can you imagine?

I do I think about that? All the time.

It's not sixteen hundreds, Chris, I know.

But I always I grew up with identical twin best friends, my nieces are identical twins, and I always think about the pranks and scams they could pull looking like each other. But yeah, of course they all just live normal lives. And I'm the one with these twisted fantasies of twindom.

I think we do impose a lot of stories onto twins of all sorts.

Yeah, yes, especially identical twins. Yeah, it's like the next level of twins.

Really.

And Dad and Dave are what they call mirror twins. So they're identical twins, but Dad is right handed and Dave is left handed.

Right yeah.

Yeah, my friends that I grew up with, we grew up skateboarding and snowboarding, and yeah, one is right handed, one's left handed. One stands goofy footed, the other stands regular footed. And that was always interesting to me because their mannerisms are also opposite of each other. Such, I wonder if they're mirror I've never heard that phrase before.

I wonder, Yeah, dictates that.

I don't know, but they do have very similar mannerisms. Now you can very much tell them apart. But when they were really small, they looked so much alike that you show them a photo of themselves they're like age five and they're like, I don't know, yep, only their mother can tell.

Holy shit, yeah, exactly like my friends.

Then one day one of them finally got his nose broken and we could always.

Tell him apart.

Very generous.

One of them had it for the day. He did it for his friends.

He's like, I'll do I'll take the hit.

Fine, fine, fine, Is it easy to have a podcast with your fiance?

Nope, I mean next question. No, it's really you know. On the one hand, it is, it's great because I know so well, and I know Dave quite well at this point that I can. So I'm the lay person in the podcast, obviously, and when we have a guest, it's another detective who has investigated the case that they're talking about. So all of the cases are told by

Yeah, that's intense.

It is intense, and you know sometimes so obviously I do the voice of Lisa Simpsons, so I've been doing it.

Yay, you brought up. We didn't bring it up. I wasn't even going to bring up the S word.

Good grief. You can't do it an audio presentation with that, Lisa Simpson.

I was not going to ask you to do the voice. You did the voice.

She didn't know why she gets it, and she knows, and she's a generous human being, means the world.

I mean, I love that girl like nobody's business. I really, and I feel like she's quite separate from me, like she's so whole that she really seems she exists in my heart, in my mind like a three dimensional, living, breathing red blooded little person adore her.

Yeah, what, I've never thought about that.

How much more fun that would be than being a villain your whole life and something and having to go there in your mind as opposed to a sweet smart It's one.

Of the most beloved television children of all time. Yeah, or maybe even children of all time, because she really is the noblest of characters.

She is.

It's funny that you say that, Chris, because people ask me all the time, how much are you like Lisa Simpson? What have you learned from her? And I don't think you can play a character for thirty three plus years and not have them get inside of you. So I actually said, I'm really glad I don't play an asshole because imagine doing that for thirty three years and having that get inside of you. I think that would be

Yes, and she fell in love with Nelson's yeah, which I love. That's one of my favorite episodes, saying she's so beautiful.

You know, these two characters who don't know where they fit in in the world. They find each other and then have the grace to realize we're not good together as a couple, but I still really like you and appreciate you. I respect who you are. We're gonna part way, so we're gonna part friends.

That was the thing that was so breathtaking for me, as like, you know, late teens, when that show came on, there was a little girl on TV that was questioning things, that was like standing up to authority, that was into art, that was into being smart, being vocal, standing.

Up for like all those things. I was just like, holy shit.

And then everything else going on in the show, She's this perfect counterbalance and yet at the same time, you're right, she's still a human kid. You believe that about her, So like, yes, of course, girls like that fall in love with Nelson. Month's like, it's just beautiful.

It's beautiful.

Writing, and it's beautiful performing and it meant the world to finally see I know so many girls like that.

You know that's so great.

Yeah, only she could see the good.

And because she's riddled with compassion, she's the only Simpson I mean, in the whole show fully compassionate character.

I think she's definitely the most self aware. I think Marge has well. I think they all have compassion, but to your point, they aren't willing to really mind the depths of how much further can I go? You know, Lisa Simpson is She's an overachiever in every way, even in the compassion little compartment. So I know she's so accountable. Even when she gets her come up pence, she just

Can I tell my nerdy Simpsons. Yeah, of being a super fan. When I lived in San Francisco, I was twenty one and working at the Gap and starting stand up comedy, and everything was a little bit hopeless feeling and whatever, And when the Simpsons started, you know, it was like probably a year into the show running.

Basically there was a bar and NOI Valley.

I wish I could remember the name, but we would all go and so it was just a real standard you know, like long, narrow bar with a TV in the back, and so it could fit about fifty people packed, and every Simpsons night it would be packed, and so, you know, coming up on the time when it was starting, it was loud like a packed bar, and the second that opening music started, it would get quieter and quieter

You laughed and shut up.

So it was dead silent until the commercial and then everyone would be like, oh my god, this and da dah dad that, and then it would come back and

It was great, that's fan.

I love the idea of someone knew coming that night to that bar and it had to be called Mo's right, why that bar only and just laughing out loud and long and drowning out all the tags to jokes. No wedding kicked out. Sorry you can come back next week, but you.

That person would have been disappeared within ten seconds because these people were seriously San Francisco and you know how San Francisco people can be serious about their arts. And it was intense, but it was like the most fun almost like secret thing too, because this was pre obviously internet, you know what I mean.

It wasn't like it got around or whatever.

It was just like if you were cool enough to know this was happening, you would go and it was just amazing.

That's so great. We used to get a lot of requests. We had to sign the releases of course for college campuses, so for the week of orientation they would run. They were requesting to run Simpson's Marathon because it was so culturally recognizable, it was so unifying that it was a great way to get the student body who hadn't been together yet, or hadn't been together at least for many months together to sort of bond over something that they

Yeah, to be used as a tool like that, what's more universal than the it's a dean of a college deciding that I love it.

Wow.

And also for thirty three years, you've had an unbroken stream of insurance.

That's yes, awesome, No, Karen, honestly, So, I had a really robust on camera career for the first from like seventeen to thirty three ish, yep, and then things started to change drastically, and it was I think it was a sort of a confluence of things. I think it was, you know, the business was changing, movie stars were doing television blah blah blah, and so I stopped getting on camera work, which had really been my bread and butter,

I'd love to hear you say that, because I think so too.

It's been a I mean, honestly, a gift in every way. To love your character that much, to get to say the words are really the smartest people in the room. And to have a show run that we're now recording season thirty three is just what the fuck?

Huh?

How did that happen?

Yeah?

I mean it's crazy.

This whole time for it to be your voice, so you can live a normal life and not be affected by people like Mike Judge. I've always looked up to his fame because he knows no one really knows what he looks on.

Yeah.

Yeah, and it's like, oh, you're living a totally normal life.

It's the best of both worlds.

Yeah, yes, I do. Because I sound exactly like Lisa Simpson. This is me, this is Lisa Simpson. It's not that far away. And because I look exactly the same as I did when I started on camera. I just have a few more wrinkles. But I'm not one of those people you look at a baby picture and go who's that? You go, oh, that's Yardley.

Yeah, I really do look the same. And this is gonna my dad. One year, I think he climbed up the telephone poll in the alley and somehow hooked us up with HBO. We had it for four or five years, and there was a show, a movie that I think I saw twelve times. It was just constantly on called the Legend of Billy Jane and oh, yes, I can't fully. All I know is I wanted a Honda Elite scooter yep. And that was somehow involved. And tons of stars are in it.

Yes, Keith Gordon was in it. He went on to have a really hot directing career. Helen Slater Christian Slater not actually related, no relating brother and sister.

Yeah, and they aren't in real life, right, No, no they are now. Yeah, I've watched it so many times and I knew who you were already because my sister. I have an older sister that shared everything with me, and I had those loves Held Matt Groening.

Bo Yeah, life is life.

Yeah, and so early you were on the Tracy Ollman shorts, right.

Yeah, I was on the shorts, but I wasn't on the Sketch Comedy show like Dan and Julie were actually in the cast of that of the comedy show.

Oh okay, yeah, I didn't realize Dan, I didn't ear that.

Wow.

Yeah.

So yeah, I knew right away because like you said, it's a slightly different voice, and your voice was maybe even more Lisa like in the legend Ability. But yeah, it was all I remember from that show.

And I don't want this is weird, but I did not.

I had a sister that told me about periods and told me about I knew how bad she would cramp and how much pain she is in.

But I learned from you in the legend Ability that blood was involved.

There's a see. Do you know I learned about periods from that movie. My back is sweating right now because I even brought it up.

But that is that The scooter is all I remember.

That's all you know about that movie.

It's all there is to know, really well.

It was. It was a bomb when it came out. I can tell you that. And then because of cable, because cable, So we shot it in nineteen eighty four. It was released in eighty five, and cable was just sort of coming into our lives and they didn't have anything, so they ran on all the time, twenty four to seven, yeah, months at a time. So now it's like this cult classic. But I could tell you it was barely out long enough to run the end credits when it was really but.

It was the eighties were that time where there was so fewer channels and so much less content, you know that back then. Yeah, you watched the same thing over and over, and so did everyone in your class or at your school.

So everybody knew this.

You know, I knew your face from movie to movie because I was like, there she is again, you know what I mean, Like it's the girl that I can tell she's playing younger than her age because she has a younger voice, but she's really smart, so's she's gonna be like the sassy, precocious girl like you know, you were a constant in our lives.

And Maximum Overdrive is the other one that came out around the same time. Oh good god, another bomb, but now massive cult favorite.

Yes, yeah, totally.

That's the one where the trucks took over right.

Oh yeah, a Stephen King movie directed by Stephen King. The only one.

Shit, So that's the one he likes, and he doesn't like any of the other ones.

Well interestingly, it's the one that he refers to in his memoirs being at the height of his addictions. Oh as, wow, there were so many challenges on that movie. It was produced by Dino di Laurentis, so most of the crew was Italian speaking oh because do you know, Delorentis is Italian, but at least when I met him was real really still speaking mostly Italian. So the crew was Italian, and

Oh, okay, okay.

All right, whatever, and then he would be blottoh you know, by sick.

Oh my god.

We still had twelve hours to go. But he was lovely. I will say that he was humble and shy and I quite liked him, but I'm not sure he it was not an experience he cared to repeat.

I gather.

Yeah, we were actually just talking about this with Paton Oswald because Jah and Patton and I are all big Stephen King book nerds for sure, and we were talking about how he also talked about in Isma more how he wrote Kujo and I think he said Christine in a blackout, so he doesn't really remember writing them. Holy shit, I mean talk about getting stuff done and like.

Talk about a high functioning alcohol.

Yeah, this is this is almost like an advertisements.

You can do it. It's not that hard, It's not so bad. Are the negatives?

What about what about the horrifying Possessed Dog books you could be writing?

Yeah, yeah, everyone thinks about when they're in AA. They forget about the maximum overdrives out there, the reasons to stick with it.

I'm kidding, yardly.

What was your first, like the first job you got in TV or movies?

Very first job I got, so I had. I grew up in Washington, d C. And I stayed there for a year after I graduated high school because I got several jobs at Good Theaters in DC. But also I had not gotten into college, so it wasn't like I had a lot of options.

So business was your safety net. Yes, it's tough.

It's tough. And so in the course of doing those plays, I managed to get a New York agent and I moved to New York when I was just eighteen, and I within about six weeks I was understudying on Broadway, Wow, And I was understudying Cynthia Nixon in Tom Stoppard play called The Real Thing and the original incarnation on Broadway, you know, with Jeremy Irons and Glenn Close, Peter Gallagher, Christine Baranski like and it won all the awards, all

And that's what an understudy is.

I just always nod when someone says that, But you are essentially back up.

Your backup. But what's interesting is you're almost never the replacement. So if she had run, let's say, like when Glenn Close and Jeremy Irons's contracts were up. The understudies that I had been rehearsing with this whole time did not take over those roles. Oh wow, they went elsewhere. It's brutal. And if I had known that, oh my god. I was just like, well, of course I'll take over part. I'm the under study, and like, oh, Yardley, you just don't know anything.

Yeah, that's that's how it works at college, which is, you know, the fair way things go.

But that's not Broadwayne, not in the world.

Yeah, so as the understudy, you did get Cynthia Nixon's part.

I did.

I did, so you broke the stand.

So when I auditioned for the part on Broadway, they didn't tell me it was auditioning for the understudy. They just said, come in and read for Jeremy Arns's Daughters. Everybody in that play has one scene, with the exception of Christine Baranski and Jeremy and Glenn basically and Peter Gallagher playing the lover. So anyway, I was and I impressed them, and I got a call back and blah blah is great, and then they went great, so you got the understudy, And I said, what what oh no, no, no,

That's well, that's the time to be it. And you knew You're like, I meant for more than this, which you were.

Yes, thank you. I just I do feel like I really was the I was just a person who would never quit like you. I was just just kept getting back up even though I It wasn't as though I would go to an audition not get it and take it all in stride. I was destroyed every time. Yeah yo, Yeah, I mean I was fucking destroyed every time. Yeah.

Are just so truly the worst.

It's brutal. And I was just gonna say I'm not. I feel like, in many ways, I'm not really cut out to be an actor. I don't have the temperament for it. I'm much too soft.

Too late. Now what do you Yeah, too late.

And now I have no skills, so uh oh, what are you gonna do?

Yeah? I wonder about that.

Are successful actors unaffected when they don't get something?

Because it really bothers me.

And I'm talking about cat food commercials and stuff, the things I'm going out for that's some cat food and then I drive back home. But I, uh, yeah, it really bothers me when those things don't go well. And same with stand up If I like last night, I didn't feel good about my set and I kind of canceled my plans for the day, and I wonder, yeah, it's I suppose it's an obstacle, but I keep working through it. But I'm envious of people that are not bothered by failure of feeling they failed.

I mean, come on, yeah, Actually, you guys talking about this reminded me. I actually used to talk about this in my act because one of the worst auditions I ever had was for The Simpsons at some point along the line, because this was when I lived in LA So it was like ninety four ninety five, and they were auditioning for people for they needed, I guess, more backup people.

Voices are you know.

Wila, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Other cast members, I guess are people they wanted to see if there were people that could do multiple characters or whatever.

And I walked into so it was literally.

One of the first LA auditions that I ever had, which means it was one of the first auditions aside from like musicals in sixth grade or whatever. And I walk into this conference room. The table goes on forever. It looks like, you know, a Cohen Brothers movie of executives who aren't interested in seeing the audition.

So welcoming, and there's there's like a little.

You know, a microphone and the script in front of me, and the person running the cameras all the way at the other end, and they say Okay, Karen, whenever you're ready, you can slate yourself and then begin. But I didn't know what slate yourself meant, and I knew what a slate was, and I'd seen the prop of a slate in things. So I stood there smiling and like going.

What are you going to do? Because you don't know what that means?

Like, you can't just begin because clearly there's a step before, and so I kind of just stood there, afraid to ask, but also kind of afraid to do anything. And then again the woman said, okay, Karen, just go ahead, slate yourself and then you can start.

And then so finally I.

Went because I was like, well, okay, if you want me to, So I went, my name's Karen Claire, take one and met like that with my arms.

Oh my god, that's amazing.

I just want to hug you so tightly.

But at the same time, that's exactly what I wanted you to do.

It's the best.

Sorry.

It was just like, why didn't I take one class where we just went over terms or you know what I mean?

And it's like, here's what it might be like, sess.

That I'm guessing at the end of the day, they didn't actually know you didn't know what that meant, and that you were being funny doing the slight it's with your arms brilliant. I guess it's brilliant.

I guess I mean, like.

Yeah, it's that kind of thing where I think the way auditions affected me also made me believe I shouldn't perform in like this business because I want things that I don't actually like.

I'm doing things that feel really bad.

I'm furious at every person at that conference room.

And it's literally thirty years later.

Plus like you know what I mean, it just like it affected me forever of like, oh, this is a quote unquote big failure where it's like it's not no one gives a shit. It was probably like the most fun thing that happened that day. But when you're the one that's fucking up, it never feels that way.

It doesn't feel that way. But now I have to say, now you've come a full circle because you and Georgia were caricatures on the wall of our faux sarties on the podcast news episode where Kent Brockman gets he starts his own podcast and then he actually encounters me Yardley Smith and he says, you sound familiar, and he says, where do I know you're from? And I say, from my podcast, small town Dickson, nowhere else. He's a big sort of winky winky inside joke. But on the wall

Cartoons and not like not like rip off internet Simpson art right like the real artist, the real deal.

Unbelievable.

This isn't the first you're hearing of this, Karen, is it?

No? No?

Because I mean that is awesome.

The funny thing is I've known Matt Selman, who is now the EV since he was the writer's PA on that Simpson He's one of the first people I met in Los Angels, Like, we used to hang.

Out all the time when we were younger.

So he actually texted me that picture of like, hey, you might want to watch tonight's episode and I was like, oh.

Holy fuck, what am I looking at? What's beyond? I mean, so great beyond.

He is just one of my favorite people of all time. He's so smart, he's so incisive, he's he just will not let the ball drop even a little bit, and let alone let it roll under the sofa. That is not who Matt Salman is.

And he has been the number one Simpsons fan since he started at that job. Like he the idea that someone that's running it is as passionate, you know, and has been there for as long as he has and is as passionate about it.

It's just like, it's very beautiful.

It is beautiful. I adore him. Yeah, he's phenomenal.

For the longest time, have you been not seeing those people? Were you just recording in your home? Or how did it work for a while?

So before the pandemic, we would get together in a big conference room with a big conference table.

And slate yourselves and.

Of course you got to do the handclap yeah.

With the writers. So the actors sort of clustered all together and the writers at the other end, and then our showrunner Al Jean, the other show runner next to Matt. They like to have a little audience in that conference room, so the walls are lined with like fifty people, and then we would read the script out loud. Was the first and only time the writers would hear it all at once before they started to put the pieces together

So hard to not watch The Simpsons and not think you're actually running around playing saxophone, or like the fact that you're all just standing there and going through it like a radio play is amazing to me.

I actually never realize that or that's.

Yeah, it's pretty We would do each scene four times, and then if it still wasn't right, we would do pickups, and then from that one record they would piece it together and start to animate. Meanwhile, it takes about nine months to animate one episode. Oh my, So I go in for Adyr probably at least three times per episode at various stages of that animation process. And when the pandemic hit, we started to do our read throughs over zoom, so there's like sixty five people on that zoom, which

You zoom zoom for that as well, because.

No, no, well I would be directed over zoom, but I would be you know, recording into an external recorder. But still, because my room doesn't sound like somebody else's room. There was so much clean up on the back end. It was so labor intensive. So when they said you can come in one at a time now into the studio, still be directed over zoom by one of the writers, and the engineer will be in the booth fifteen feet behind you if you want, And I was like, yeah,

Yeah, yeah, I mean zoom got better. As far as timing. In the beginning, there was a delay depends.

It still is though, No, Chris, if you have to if we were doing so literally, ADR is when you have to dub to picture right, so we do a lot of pickups and then we do some ADR. If you were doing ADR to picture. Fuck me, it was so hard, do you like? Because you would have you would hear the beep and so I would be late, right, I would hear it, but it was already just a half second late, and so the whole all the sink was off. It was just it was really hard.

Yeah.

Were you able to watch episodes and would anything bother you? Could you tell there is a difference or was it something they can tell?

Yeah, we're we're I mean by large if I and I can usually tell if my rhythm is right, but I'm slightly off, you can slide it, right, if I started half a second too early and I ended half a second too late, then you could slide it and still make it fit. Nobody likes to do that. They're like, you hardly, you'll do that again. I'm like, you'll so will so. I don't think you can tell, but I feel it in my heart.

Yeah, I got you know.

I just I feel like our especially compared to when Karen and I drive around and there's actually distractions like.

I really really want one day come and be in the car with you.

Yes you have, we are going to hold you to that, and I just wrote it down, yeah literally, yeah.

But yeah.

To suddenly be in a position where it's just dependent on our overlapping convers station, the podcast kind of changed.

I think you don't still.

Like it, but well, I think comedy people like what I just did to you right now.

Like that now that was zoom. You didn't do that, that was zoom.

But I mean, like the stepping on of things where part one and I know, I'm sure you know this swer Yardley, but it's like part of the chemistry of comedy is the timing that's so precise that like when Chris is talking, I know when he's about to end, and I know when I'm going to go yes ooop right at the end, and that kind of thing getting fucked upon zoom is So it's just like bad auditioning.

It's the opposite effectually.

Yeah.

Yeah, and we're all of a sudden where people are listening like why are they always apologizing to each other now, because it's so abrupt When oh, I'm sorry you were saying. I think, no, I'm sorry, no, but now I can't remember what I was going to say.

My hilarious joke that I completely derailed this.

Whole train for is like now gone out of my head.

Yeah, and then where in the past, if something like that happened, we just go, oh, look a mattress store or whatever.

What's this guy doing?

I mean, I want to get back in the car.

We used to if we had to slam on the brakes. Karen would always put her arm in front of me, like a motherly gesture or a book bag.

She didn't want the book bag to spill. I just I missed that. I miss it.

It's a whole different. Yeah, you're definitely gonna have to come back for this.

Yes, yes, the car, I'm doing it. I'm just I'm going to find out where you are and then I'm just going to hitchhike on the corner. If you don't pick me up and be really really bummed.

To everyone else, it will look like a very synchronized kidnap where we just yank you into a car and peel out.

Yeah, we'll note it was booked, will note it was a plan.

I also like that we're all complaining about what I've always believed. Since I started auditioning for TV shows, I knew that the gig to get was a voiceoverdob. I knew that that actually that's what I should be aiming for, because this whole idea of like Hollywood perfection and all these different things that was also simultaneous to am I even talented enough to be doing this?

Is now? Am I perfect enough? Or blah blah blah. I was like, oh, this is bullshit.

I need to get I need to slay myself and get a voiceover job.

And that's the idea that we all got.

To be in jobs that didn't have to stop during quarantine as like, thank God, thank god, everybody figured out how to adjust so quickly.

It's a miracle. You know, show business on camera really really took such a hit, but The Simpsons was able to continue unabated, and I recognize how lucky we were for that for sure.

Yeah.

Amen, I just said that because it was a conclusionary thing.

You Chris.

This is the prayer corner where Chris gets to do a little bit of his born again Christianity.

Yeah, it's a new thing I've been doing. Anyway, I'm going to read now from First Corinthians.

We were so nervous about trying to keep.

Our nerdiness pented in about your career and your presence.

In our lives. On the idea that you let us not.

Do that is thank you so much for doing that, because I didn't know how we were going to do it otherwise.

It was like, I gotta tell my Slate story. I just have to.

I love that Slate story. It's so charming, it's so vulnerable, it's so funny and wonderful. I just think it's brilliant, and I really think like that belongs in a movie. It is so Karen. So it's so lovely. It's it's such ah, the essence of you. I just love it. Thank you, I love it.

And it really is the kind of thing like yay to be in a position where yes, this it gets to be a full circle experience, like it really is one of those things.

The older I get, I go, oh, I see, those.

Are the things that it's not. That's not the final chapter of the slate story.

Yeah, because you know it's not all over.

But like that day, slinking away and just being like what am I doing?

Why am I? I'm from a farm, I don't belong here.

Yeah, yes, it continues to be because I know what a slate is, but it's different for commercials, which I'm used to, and like where you I don't even remember.

I'll just give profile and say how much.

I weigh and who my agent is, and they're like, oh, your name will be fine, sir, Like I still don't know, because it is always different, and everyone at those judge long tables of tables universal the worst.

And now I mean I've an audition did a long time, not because I get parts, but because I no longer have an agent, because I stopped getting parts. I put my foot down when all I was auditioning for were parts that had no name, like secretary neighbor. And I'm like, okay, you know what, I've been in this fucking business for at that time, thirty years. I'm like, I have to go.

So is that why you I just saw the trailer for Gossamer and Folds. It's really seems like a sweet and important movie. And did you find the script? How did you end up producing and acting in that?

Yes?

So, I have a production company that I co founded called paper Clip Limited. And we formed the company, my business partner Ben Cornwell and I because we wanted to be the people to say yes first, because it's so hard to get a yes in this town. Ye. Yeah, And so a friend of mine, an old friend of mine, brought me the script that I had been written about ten years prior to us producing it. It had somebody else adopted it that had fallen away, and I read it

And so oh that dad. His dad seems like a real jerk. I just want to say that it's a brick.

Oh my god. And so it's a wonderful just sort of Fox and the Hound kind of friendship, these two unlikely characters who just find each other and find a place to kind of meet in the middle. And she becomes this transwoman who's trying to get to New York to go to the ballroom scene in New York in the eighties, sort of takes this little boy under her wing and just says, you know, I'll be your friend. It's gonna be all right.

Yeah.

And we had this brilliant transactress named Alexander who's going to be a huge star play Gossamer. She was the first, she's one of the first audition tapes I saw, and she was the one to beat. She was there was never anybody else. And it's funny in this town. You know, if you find somebody that early, they all like, wow, you can't choose that person because you might miss something. I'm like, what the who?

What?

Yeah, that is the person, She's the person we need her.

Yeah, no, I gotta let's be choosy.

I have to validate my job as a casting person.

Yeah, ridiculous. So it's wonderful. And we just got a got a distributor. We it's it's you know, it is a it's so much easier to sell a horror film. This is a really lovely film about people and sort of a coming of age for the little boy. And but we did finally get a distributor. It's a beautiful film and I'm excited for people to see it.

Yeah, so it's just coming soon. Yeah, really sweet.

That little boy is so sweet and I am He's in everything.

He works more than all of us.

Really, I didn't recognize it. Oh my god, he's great. That the trade. I have to see it. I honestly really already to be.

In movie theaters, like movies are going back to the theaters.

Yeah, it was on AMC.

It just said because I looked it up to see if I could see it. It just said coming soon. So already being recognized by AMC. Huh, I'm here with that news. I don't know that you knew that.

I didn't.

Actually, Yeah, well I always have the inside Hollywood scoop, don't I.

Karen, you really do. Yeah, you know that makes me think.

My favorite Halloween costume this year, I believe it's the AMC Theaters where Nicole Kidman does that intro thing about the movies and she's in a pay stripe suit walking around the theater going like the magic happens here, and there's a whole monologue and they run it's like this kind of a psa of like it's time to come back to the movies, and she's there's these shots of her like looking up at the screen like she just

It's so funny to bring up Nicole Kidman because the movie in nineteen eighty seven or whatever year, the legend of Billy Jing King was constantly on Teleson so much. What am I did?

I no?

I started legendary tennis story.

Yeah, there's a tennis documentary that came on after the Legend of Billy Jane No Relation, Good time. I watched that, and then BMX Bandits was the Young Nicole Kidman where she's like a badass BMX rider and she's actually jumping a bike. It's some Australian movie and it was on all the time. So anyway, that was one of my favorites. That was a great year.

I have Free stolen HBO.

I think your dad climbed a pole to get you.

It's really the most morally unsound thing. I don't know him to be a liar or a rule breaker in any way, but boy, he climbed up that pole and we got free HBO.

It was it.

Yeah, maybe he just wanted to vet that. What's this fucking HBO? You want me to pay more for television? Screw you. I'm going to steal it first. You'll see how that goes.

I vividly remember seeing him climb that pole and I'm like, I think my dad's gonna fall and or get electrocuted.

This better be worth it.

And then you see that HBO chrome logo fly over that city and you're like, no, thank you, dad and risking your life.

Yes, I mean that was we never had.

We lived far enough out in the country where we didn't have cable well my dad wouldn't pay for it, but we got like three channels and we had the antenna on top of our roof that you had to turn the thing. It would go to tick tick, and then the antenna would slowly turn and the fuzziness would slightly go away. Yes, but so when we got to c HBO, it was mostly at my aunt Kathleen's house, and that intro when a movie was starting and we didn't care what the movie was, it did not matter.

It was like the intro.

You would be like, everybody, sit down, be quiet, like it was the most exciting.

It really was.

And I have talked about it a million times because I h yardly, I love miniatures, and I've kind of indulged in it during quarantine, making little uh.

Dollhouses and stuff.

But I would pause that intro just to see the little cars and see because it looks so real to me. But I knew people made it. It was just on a tabletop somewhere and there's whoop. It's I as a kid, I'm like, I want that to be my job.

I think, so you're crafty.

I I do. I went to art school. I do like arts and crafts.

Yes, that's amazing.

I do like to draw.

Wow.

Yeah, well it's a side.

Next we'll find out that he actually designed that wallpaper behind him.

It's a photo I took and manic cost a lot to print, So you're.

Like curious George when he painted it. He painted it all on the wall.

Yeah, you can see my toe at the bottom. Here I was in the screen.

Actually, how I need I have a question for you guys. How is are you? Guys back to performing live you? How is that going? If you are?

I last night did an outdoor show and audiences are back to not desperately laughing at everything as so they missed it.

Everyone's back to normal. And the judgment.

Last night, uh seemed just like as fresh as two years ago.

Uh.

Or maybe I just didn't do well because on top of that, I am rusty. I will start one of my jokes like, oh, I'll do some of my tried and true bits that I've been doing for years, and I forgot, like I'll get halfway through and forget how my own joke, and and then I'm trying to and sometimes something good will come out of that. But there's a nervousness that that makes me feel like I'm twenty three again doing it for the first time and I

So do you think being outside though, is part of that? Because I think that, like that's why you know colleges and stuff where they're like, you can't you can't have any of these college shows outside because the energy just goes away.

Yeah.

I'm surprised though, because that show and the one down the street for me at Stories Bookstore are always great and they're outside and they don't sell drinks. I don't know why they're so well attended and great. Some people don't want to be in comedy clubs and it's terrific. But last night, Yeah, my material was about Harley Davidson's and helicopters, because that's what was distracting me the whole time.

It was in the middle of the.

Joke and now Harley, that's loud, Harley buy and set off a car alarm, and I'm like, well, do I have any jokes about car alarms?

I got to stop being so in the moment.

But you have to, like you need.

To, you need to start writing about anything that could pass you on the street. Yeah, for outside comedy, that's a whole new area of like birds, you got to cover anything because.

I got bird you know, I got bird material. I got that covered. I could do words for hours.

Don't worry about the bird issue.

Yeah yeah, but uh yeah.

The short answer is I feel like I'm starting over again, and that is frightening but also exciting. And I still I'm glad it's back and I love doing stand up and so that's how I feel. But last night I also had that thing where I kind of slept in the fetal position a lot of the night, mostly because it's comfortable.

I'm not out sleep on.

Yeah yeah, yeah, it's my mattress, it's not my sadness.

I have to say, we yarly. Have you ever done live shows?

No, it was funny as we were gearing up to do them, and then the pandemic hit and then there and we were like, all right. Then we did the one at the first Crime con in DC.

Oh.

We actually had Paul Holes as our live guest, who is lovely.

The best that is someone I did.

You mentioned this earlier about cornering them, and I thought I would never do this, But at the Halloween party, Karen, I just cornered him and all I asked was Golden State killer questions and criminal questions. And then at the end of the night, when we all got ubers home, everyone was waiting for their uber. He and I were the last to have our cars come, and then mine pulled up and and but yeah, well sure there were three drinks there.

You did it to me exactly Halloween party.

Yeah, and then Paul was there at night. That warehouse district is kind of scary it, Yeah, it like with no one around, and I could tell he was kind of nervous, but it was Paul Hols and he's like, well, since my Carl'll be here.

In one minute. And I'm like, it's fine, you won't get murdered or anything. And he laughed. But then I.

Laughed, and he was just by himself, and I was like, should I have left him alone?

I don't know why I was so worried about him.

You shouldn't have.

Also, the funniest part is he was dressed like a cowboy.

Yeah, a midnight Cowboy.

Oh geez, well, I was gonna say I miss stand up in general because this podcast, of course, my favorite.

Murder and the network and everything. I just don't have time. So I tried to.

I tried to start doing it again before right before the pandemic, like a couple of months before, but I didn't take the time to write new materials. So I would just go through my Twitter feed and be like, this is kind of funny, and it was all very

Who would really have tried and not be reading tweets.

Yard I am going to make Karen do stand up again. I know that once she's on stage and here's the laughter, she's going to remember that that's a specific kind of love, and she will do stand up again. She's just saying she isn't right now. It's sorry, sorry to pull. That is just how it is.

Well, no, no, I want to do it again. But it is that kind of thing.

I have to say this and I told Chris this before doing a podcast live, is basically it's like you're doing a cliff Notes version of stand up comedy because the audience already loves you and is giving you the benefit of the doubt, so you can kind of say whatever and they're.

Like, yeah, you know what I mean.

Where it stand up and start, you know, cutting my teeth there, it's the literal opposite where they hate you and you have to make them love you.

But here's the thing, Karen.

They come to my stand up shows, these loving podcast fans are going to see stand up for the first time, and I'm always feeling like you should be experiencing this because it is.

That's why I'm spoiled.

That's why I felt bad the other night, no one, there was no podcast people.

There, and now I'm exactly the yeah, judgmental kids. Now.

Also, I feel like when you're doing it, you need to be talking about things everyone can relate to. And I'm literally be like, well, I talked to Steven the other day, like it's gonna be this is it's inside baseball and it's like my life experiences ordering stuff on Postmates and and zooming.

For hours a day, you know what I mean.

It's like it's not really Uh, the life experience part is takes work because I have to think outside, especially in quarantine, like we did. Christ and I did a couple comedy shows that were like almost like fakey game shows, and that was fun because it was almost like no one had to do material. It was just like off the cuff, which right, you know, that's always the best. But there's so many good people in stand up now too. It's just like there's people who are just like studied,

Sure, But I don't know, I feel like you're missed.

I'm just going, yeah, I agree, Yeah, thank you.

I just want to say, because I know you do have this huge network. I had such a good time on I said no gifts with Bridger.

Yeah, isn't he hilarious?

He was so fun. We had such a great chat and uh, I very much enjoyed him. You got you've just built this Empire you.

Oh, thank you.

I mean incredible, really incredible.

It's like being lucky enough to have friends like Chris Fairbanks and Bridger A Wineger who like that's the reason George and I were like, oh yeah, definitely. Like Bridger was like, I want to do a podcast called I said No Gifts and that's all.

Yeah.

I was like, yes, we have to do that. It's hilarious.

And also the advertising, it's like he should have so much advertising because if anything that could be a gift could.

Be an ad on that show.

But also because I think, to me, the way I enjoy podcasts is it's you're hanging out with someone that you like. So it's a very specific thing, but it's like, but I know, like a person like Bridger. People should hang out with a person like Bridger. That's time well spent. That's a person that's being super funny and super original, but also very himself, very like authentic, you know all the It's like you don't get that every day, especially I think these days.

So thank you.

That's the ultimate compliment because like it's basically the people I like the most and that I hang around with.

Well, it's so smart because the other charter we have at paper Clip. Besides being the first to say yes, is no assholes allowed?

Yes?

You know those are really the only two rules.

Yeah, and it hasn't been enforced so far in Hollywood.

No.

No, I've seen assholes thrive.

I mean, yes, yes, that's the I think that's the need for the rule is because that you're you're the exception to basically the Hollywood standard, which is people coming in and throwing their weight around or whatever. And I was trained by a lot of those people. I spent a lot of time with a lot of those people. So this doing this network, it's like there's a lot of times where I'll be like.

And I'm not yelling at you.

I'm yelling because it's how I express myself when I frustrated.

Okay, is anyone mad? All right?

It really is like, you know, assholes get their way in this town.

So it's good to block out that.

Kind of thing where it's like, no, let's all work is better and the result is always better when you don't get to put all that shit over here.

The work is already so hard that if you're having to put up with people who you don't like you, who don't get you who don't like you don't have the same sensibility or at least the same goal in a lovely way.

Fuck it dude.

Yes, exhausting.

Yeah, And that's the other reason why I've missed stand up is because that's the only sub industry with show business where everyone does relate and everyone does realize what the other is going through, and it's like a peer group. And it's been fun. Last night felt fun. You got to get back into it, Karen.

Okay, I will, I will.

With all that extra time you have.

Yes, exactly, Yeah. I do miss the hanging out. That's the that's the fun part. It's like that is the camaraderie and the kind of like when other people that you like and respect like what you do. You know, like the fact that you even know that I have a network is a beautiful compliment to me.

Hardly it's just like, that's amazing. I can't you know. This is a dream. It's so cool.

I also did the per cast, which I loved with Stephen. You're Stephen, but who who is it you who says this is exactly right?

Yes, yes, I love it so much.

We were trying to do we had this idea, and Georgia was very generous with that too, because I was like, we should split it, we should both, and she's like, no, no, you do it, and we were trying to do either. It started as should we do a robot the robot voice in like a sci fi movie where it's like, you know, like no, Dave, I'm not going to close the pod bay door or whatever, like rock robot voice.

So you thought you'd go with sultry.

Yes, it's like Alfred.

The elevator announcer. Now it's very it's being very sexual where she goes seventh floor. I've been like, well, why am I getting turned on in the elevator.

That might be a quarantine issue, that might be just be excited to be out and about.

The doors open, and I'm just kind of humping the wall. Sorry. I was the voice triggered me.

The door's open, you just don't move. What what am I supposed to do to stay here?

Oh?

What a joy?

Anything else? Do you want to plug or talk about or anything?

Yeah, I guess the other thing I started to do during quarantine. So the podcast, as you know, small Town Dicks. You should listen to it.

It's very good.

But I also started my own cooking show on Instagram and the Tube of you as I like to call.

It, Oil and Water.

Oil and Water, and so it started as it's really a game where I draw a random sweet ingredient, a random savory ingredient, and I make it into a random thing, like it's a cake, it's a pie, it's a pandouty, it's a soup, it's a casse role. And it's funny and it's dumb. And each episode is about seven minutes. And I called it dumb entertainment for troubling times.

That's terrific.

And is it really just the two ingredients that you happen to have in your kitchen at the time.

No, then I say, so I draw my ingredients and then I say, okay, let's go to market. And then you know, I go to market and in the market. I try to figure out how Like the worst thing I made was a year ago Halloween, where we had predetermined it would be a candy apple because it's Halloween. Yeah, but the all the ingredients and all the ingredients sweet and savory both had to be orange, and so I drew salmon row. I hate cavia and skittles, so I had to get salmon row and skittles on my candy apple.

That is really great, Yeah, fish and skittles. Although that would be the great name, a great name for something I don't know what exactly.

That was such a good idea for a show because it's almost like an Iron Chef thing, except for it's more of, like, I mean, no offense, but I don't I don't know if you're Iron Chef like.

You're I mean, I'm always trying to make it good, and I've actually made some surprisingly good things. This week, we released a cheese it caramel crepe recipe, which turned out to be pretty good, and I decided I would I would not just fill it with caramel and cheese its. I pulverized the cheese its and put it in the crate batter and then made like canoli filling and added caramel sauce on top of that, and it turned out to be not terrible, which is high praise on Oil and Water, So.

It sounds like it would be.

Sorry, I'm a big cheese It's fan, but yeah, there is a limit where if you and I think it might be like thirty, but like the tang builds up.

So then you have to stop after a while.

But I wonder if that would actually it would make it like a more powerful ingredient because when you mix stuff with it, it doesn't necessarily fade.

No, it doesn't fade. It has a very distinct flavor. Very there is no mistake, and that's to cheese it and not just some grated cheddar cheese.

Yeah, very specifically made. Yes, Oh I love that. That sounds like that's an Instagram show.

Yes, Instagram at Oil and Water food. But I also think I'm going to morph into I sort of feel like, Okay, this is so fun. I've played the game. I think I'm now going to do a cookie show called Stupid Good where I make things iconic recipes for iconic chefs. And actually I'm actually a pretty good cook. So I'm actually gonna make things I've never made before and see if they're stupid good.

Yeah, like that that cake that has Coca cola poured it and then you flip it over whatever that's called dump caked dump cakes. See it's the same, But I do want to try it.

You have to, because actually I hear they're good.

That infomercial, though, got me through some what I think were very dark times. There was a couple of years where I kind of just always was laying on the couch in a dark room watching TV.

It felt like, and that would come on.

It was like, you know, I don't I don't think I was paying my mortgage very well and a lot of like bad writing jobs and whatever, and that thing would come on and that lady Kathy somebody for dump cakes and she was like, you can make this, and she's it's the most neighbor your neighbor lady of all time.

And she's like, you just pour in a can of sprite and now you have apple pie.

And like the she makes it seem like you can do anything, Like all you need is a can of sprite or what you know, whatever the recipe is like really positive. Lady kind of got me off that couch, you know.

Yeah, it's kind of like a trip to Walmart.

Like when you when you're feeling sad and you're on your couch and a dump cake in commercial comes on, you realize everything's okay in your life.

I totally get that.

Yeah, I really do.

I've had similar dark times.

Yeah right, oh yeah, yeah, where you're like you watch a lady open the camp of soda and pour it onto cake mix and you're like, you know what, it's fine. It's like we're all just doing our best, right, we all just we all just want some dessert with like less than twenty steps. We one nice lady with like very fake red hair to make it for.

Us, you know, yes, pretty basic, preferably dessert first, because life sure, you never.

Know, that's right exactly. I mean, this has been a dream. Thank you much.

Yeah, you are the best.

You made this so easy, and I feel like we didn't nerd out too much.

I feel like we were calm and collected.

And you're perfect.

But also you nerd it out with us, which was such a beat.

I'm on the same page.

Yeah, you really are really you're the best. Yeah, you are.

Thank you so much, and you're also you're already booked for whenever it happens, probably in several months.

I'm so excited.

Yeah, excited, Yeah, Karen, Karen is an excellent driver, so yes, put that advertisement out there.

You'll be safe.

I can't wait for the Shenanigans help me too.

Thanks for being on you've been listening to Do You Need a Ride?

D yn A.

This has been an Exactly Right production.

Produced by Analise Nelson.

Engineered by Stephen Ray.

Morris, mixed by Roy Tanaka.

Theme song by Karen Kilgarath.

Artwork by Chris Fairbanks.

Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at dinar podcast That's Dynar Podcast.

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Thank you, Ellen, You're welcome