S3 - Ep. 29 - Karen and Chris

Are you leaving? I you wanna way back home? Either way, we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a terminol and gay.

We want to send you off in style.

Do you wanna welcome you back home?

Tell us all about it?

We scared her? Was it fine?

Malborn?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to.

Ride with Karen and Chris.

Welcome to Do you need a ride?

This is Chris Fairbanks and this is Karen Kilgara.

Oh wow, you should always clear your throat lightly before introduce. That was smooth.

You know, they say on NPR, all terry gross, all those people are constantly clearing their throats.

That's the secret.

I bet it is. I had to go to a doctor once I l la la la la la meat meat potatoes, meat potatoes, Yellow York.

I need New York.

I've never lived in New York. I had to go to a doctor because I was when I was a kid, like ten years old, I was constantly clearing my throat. It was like a problem, like I was getting in trouble at school, constantly clearing my throat, and then he said I was drinking way too much milk. Oh, isn't that curious? I was asked to lay off on.

The milk, and that worked. It cured you.

Uh, yeah, it was just a real milkhat about a gallon a day.

Do you know that Hannah Criton, who's a producer for the Exactly right Now works, she drank so much milk.

I think she told me that it was in college.

I could be wrong, but her friend's the nickname she has with her friends' is big Milk, which when she told me that that's one of my favorites. Well, first of all, I was thinking that doctor was going to say you had like OCD or something, because you know that sometimes that's a nervous habit.

Yeah. I don't know why, because in life, my mom was a vegetarian and we had no milk. But when I was a kid, those formative bone years, I mean, it's a I don't know, I don't know how what I'm gonna do. That's why I haven't had a kid. The big milk debate, Yes, it's a real problem. Do I want yeah give my kid oat milk? Or do I want a bones to be strong or is it rumor if.

You give it oak milk, oat not oak milk. I'm going to give my kid the milk of acorns from oak trees.

I think they'll have it by then pine milk.

The child is crying while eating their cereal. You're just like, finish it. It's good for you.

It's really an old tree.

It's just a cup of sap.

Drink the oak milk.

That'd be a really funny sketch, like fast forwarding to like the crazy food trends and how bad they're going to get for people in the future.

Yeah, I think I've seen it's a premise for so much any stand ups now, like what's next with all this milk? And I you know, I never finished those videos, but I do browse them, and.

Then you start watching the commercial and you're like, I should buy They always pond that pan looks really amazing.

I am, Yeah, I am, I am. I am someone that will order things if I if I like the commercial. I'm so weak. I'm just weak.

Ken Well, they you know what, here's the thing. First of all, they have picked those things for you based on what you look at on your computer, so I bet you you're getting tiny house furniture, tiny you know, miniature furniture and shit, right, like they know you, I your computer, But explain.

To me why with my phone off when I just am having a conversation about something, I then get ads.

For it, ex Alexa, Siri. We're being listened to constantly. It's your friend's phone, it's other things. It's scared as fuck.

It is scary. And there's a documentary on that. I can't remember what it was. There was a guy giving US press conference saying, of course your phones aren't listening to you when they're off, and they all laugh together and I'm like, no, they are. They have to be otherwise how would I be getting all these dollhouse ads.

Well, also, you're not, I am you are, we know you are.

That's a bad example.

Yeah, that's your point.

Yeah, but also even if your phone, even if you're not I mean you're powered all the way down, or you just saying you don't have Siri or Alexa on, because they also are doing it based on you know, that's the whole cookies thing, where you're accepting or declining cookies, that's them tracking you for marketing.

Yeah, and they give it such an adorable name. We all love cookies it.

Every time I go, I'll have three cookies. So that's not what they're.

Are these fresh baked tracking of all my interests.

You know what's weird.

My interest is chocolate chips.

It so strange.

Mine muppets and trash cans. Oh wait, he just liked garbage. It's been a while, it's been a while. I'm sorry. I thought Oscar the Grouch liked cookies that were thrown away.

Only moldy cookies.

Can wait?

Can I just tell you I'll be honest, because we've stumbled upon this topic. Yes, right now, I'm in a vacation home. Somebody brought me because I'm up by my I'm up in Paz.

Yeah, it didn't look like your couch.

No, this is not my case.

It's a vacation couch.

It's a vacation couch.

Somebody brought like as a fun snacky gift to bring out here a bag of uh it's some They're called their Hawaiian brand cookie and their short bread cookies shaped like pineapples with little chocolate chips in them.

And I didn't know they were here.

It's not like they didn't walk in and go, he's cookie time or whatever. They just brought them and put them into the pantry and left without saying anything. I think it was my friend Janet and I stumbled upon them, and they're so good. I've eaten like half the bag. Do you enjoy a short bread cookie or a short bread?

I think I do anything that isn't all the way sweet. It's like it's kind of semi sweet, wouldn't you say, even though it's called a sugar cookie.

Yes, it's very if there's anything going on with a short bread, it's almost a little tangy. Yeah, So it has like that it's good and you know, it's buttery and everything, but it also has like a good kind of a little tang in.

There is Is it pineapple flavored?

No?

Just shaped?

Huh. I think that she was trying to invite you to a threesome. Now, I know that seems like it's out a left field, but I was wearing a pineapple hat and this couple. I think I've talked about this probably I have. If anything sounds like I've said it before, it's of course to you on our podcast. Otherwise I'm just talking to my.

But also, this doesn't sound familiar, so I'd love to hear it.

I there was just a little embroidered pineapple on this hat. I think it was a promo hat for some pineapple based seltzer. I was drinking and these people said, oh, I are so you're a swinger, and I'm like, what are you talking about? Well, the pineapple on your hat. Apparently in the old days, people would hang a pineapple on their porch to let people know that it was a swinging party or they were down to swing. A lot of people have confirmed this. It was some simple googling.

A park, but still a couple.

They're still wearing like down vests.

They definitely wearing flannel.

Yes, was that a comedy show situation?

Uh? Where was that? It had to be? Actually, no, I would never wear that hat. It's my golfing hat. I guess it was while golfing they wanted some daytime threesome out on the links at two p I mean, come onzen, a brazen.

Off in the trees.

Yeah, he was just up there milk in a tree for sap and then shim me down and ask me if I wanted to kick it with him and his spouse? How dare you? Sir?

Also, I feel like that trend, which I think in some ways is very good that people aren't so repressed anymore. Like this isn't like you're not going to then have those people arrested and prosecuted.

I said, how flattering, and it made me smile, And then it wasn't until later that I kind of cried in my car. It was I didn't shame them in any way. Of course I wouldn't do that, but I do think it is odd and inappropriate. It's like you don't know me at all, and you're just and you were taking this swing that is so overtly like such a stretch.

Yeah, like how would that is?

That?

Are we truly.

Supposed to believe? You wear a pineapple insignia to silently let other swingers know that you're down to be there, Lucky Pierre, I.

One hundred percent like you did. When I brought it up, thought he was just making it up. And then I asked around and people said, oh, yeah, the old pineapple orgy. No, yeah, hang it, it has to be hung upside down on the porch. Apparently what I know and people have these things. I got invited to a lobster cookout in a backyard in Venice. My my, my sweet neighbor Jenna invited me because she knew I would be interested in free lobster.

The word tarp, it's just the most like mechanical way to It's just like you go to a doctor if you're going to be that.

Or lay out some cots at least mattresses. You guys are all gonna fuck on tarps.

Tarps. It's horrifying.

It's like you've been abandoned in a campsite and so you're gonna make the best of it and have sex with some weirdo stringer.

Yeah, why tarps? Well, we've found out that bodily fluid, all the many types will kill the grass. We got to lay down these tarts, these tarts. I was kind of traumatized, but I find it now very funny and they're nice people. If anyone at that party is listening, what a great dinner it was, machine.

And see your balls, I just think, well, that's that's a huge compliment that two different times you've been propositioned and we can use that word it applies here.

Yeah a musician.

I think it's the only two times they just really stick out in my head.

Do you think your neighbor.

Jenna was interested in being your partner in that situation.

No, Now, Jenna was like a sister figure. And I went with a group of sister figure type ladies. And I don't think that any of them. I mean you'd have to ask them privately, but I don't think there was any sexual foul play afoot. We went as loved one. I mean I got to call Jenna.

Actually, you got to call an ask. I would just text her first, real quick and just say quick, Q.

Hey at that lobster fest, were you trying to fuck me with your friends?

It's for a podcast.

Yes, if you could get back to me as soon as possible.

We're actually recording right now. Please please let me know.

So if you're on the tarp now, which is what did you know? They call it being on the tarp when the orgy is taking place.

Oh that's traditional. See, I thought these people were being strange. It's normal to lay down tarps and do it outside.

Wait, have you I've seen a documentary about swingers.

I mean Real Sex Volumes one through thirty.

There's an actual dedicated documentary that we watched. I think it was like the mid two thousands, from what I can gather, recollect, and it is unbelievable. They kind of just like follow out along these people who and they're in Orange County and they're like full that's their full on lifestyle. It's like some people like to go in an RV and drive to Baja California go fishing.

These people like to fuck.

They literally they set out like casse roles on a big table.

Yeah, they eat and socialize.

That's what this was. Oh and these were rich people from from uh from like uh San Diego or something. I this apply they were in this documentary. I'm just deciding, Yeah, everyone there, that's all orgy aside. I mostly felt like I didn't belong to because everyone was so wealthy in the house was so beautiful and they were really nice tarps. By the way, brand news.

I bet the going to be a high quality, high quality if you start.

If you yeah, every year annually you buy you know, seventy yards a tarp for your sex party, that means you're probably doing pretty well.

Yeah, I bet.

Also, Hey, a lobster feed, like for I understand if if like you have two lobsters in addition to all the standard burgers and hot dogs, but all all lobsters.

I with the invite. There was a fee. I think I paid twenty bucks to be at this party just to help them, and that I understood that. I'm like, oh, yeah, you don't feed one hundred people, and they're were about one hundred people there a big which is a testament to how large the yard was. And it was in Venice Beach near the ocean, Like, there's not a lot of huge backyards all of a sudden, Yeah, just big old orgy backyard everywhere, liquor flowing out of fountains and a lot of close talkers.

And you know what I would have done if I were there, I would have because imagine and I'm sorry to be saying this, but it just popped on my head. Imagine the smell because I'm not a seafood fan anyway. So it's already a little upsetting, and then it's just like mass sex.

Why would you have a big orgy after gorging yourself with anything, especially shellfish dipped in butter. Everyone's all looped up with butter.

The butter's everywhere. I wonder if that's why they picked it, because it goes.

Along exactly they Yeah, everyone's wearing a bib and then later they lay down tarps for the ground because they're all gonna have their big oily butterfarts. Well they.

Take off your Tommy Bahama blouse.

And not as there was a lot of Tommy Baha mes I bet I kind of wish I'd just stayed to watch, not that, but the actual the actual moment where people because there was a hot tub there and there was like people were starting to get kind of oh, I'm just gonna get in the hot tub in my bra and I was like, well that ladies being raisen what? Yeah, No, I would never this was a few years ago. I would have said that that. But you know me, now,

I just I feel like especially, and I understand that this was pre COVID. It was.

Yeah, it was years ago now, but it's.

Hard enough to just go to a party and talk to strangers and socialize and feel kind of like a like feel normal and like you're doing it correctly. Yeah, it's it's that like making small talk with strangers, because like you got invited to a party and you know the one person that's throwing the party and no one else. Yeah, it's hard enough, but then the then also just someone whispers in your okay, in two hours, you have to also have sex with a majority of these people, right.

I and also thinking like as I left, I'm like, wait a minute, all those friendly people that came up and asked me and asked who I was with. I thought they were just curious about where my life was at romantically, Oh, where's your where's your gut? Oh I just came with Jenna and the ladies, and they're like, oh, right, fist pound. I'm like what, No, I don't understand why everyone's being so weird. They all knew it was going

To be sexual because it's an orgy.

I mean, what if I put on a safari hat and I just am watching animal I'm like, and you.

Get a clipboard and you take notes.

Yeah, I'm like, very interesting human behavior. I start drawing erotic pictures like a courtroom artist.

But it's there's just a big was the tarp blue?

That's yeah, just a standard home depot tarp, like the kind they used to cover their nearby boats. It's retired boat people.

But how do you go from how do you go from that? Where you're just like, let's go down to Newport because I've bought us a boat, honey to Let's go over to Venice Beach, eat some lobster and then take our our middle to late age bodies, disrobe them, yeah, and just get down and dirty.

It's because the proximity to Marina, I mean, the Marina del Rey we are it was, I'm it's loose for me to even say Venice. We were in Marina del Rey, very near where those boats are, and that's just where they So it's a boat a sexual boat community.

Do you think anybody.

At that orgy or any of the boat orgies do you think what if people fall in love and then they're like Diane, my wife of forty years gotta go because I just are.

You and I about to do at a rendition of the theme to love Boat Love Soon will be soon, will be loving you? Ah, here comes another lawsuits. We're on a boat and there's more than two. Just oh. I can't get over the fact that everyone was full of butter and lobster. I'm gonde so gross. It is gross, but they were very they were sweet people. I do think I have subtly kicked out once. I actually said I came alone. Yes, yeah, they don't need a stray? Uh may I cut in? Well?

Also, isn't it?

It's kind of like, you know, ladies get in free type of thing where men are I would imagine, and this is sexist on my part. I would imagine men are up for orgies when someone's like, hey, guess what's happening after the lobster feed and then you're all your Tommy Bahama set is like awesome high five.

But the women are like, excuse me.

Oh what us? You're not being sexist, that's exactly. None of those ladies there probably even had to pay for the lobster. I just did because I'm a horny animal and they misread me. Just not my crowd.

I mean a retiree orgy.

I mean I kept their number. I know the adrett. Maybe one day I'll be into it.

But you should roll by one day with a big basket of cheddar Bay biscuits and be like, is lobster Is it lobster Fast again?

I feel like I missed it last time.

They do have it every year. Now I want to ask, Yet I wonder I have so many questions. They wouldn't let me ask about it.

Wait, so who did someone know and not tell you?

Uh? Yes, all they let you.

They let it be a reveal to you.

Yeah. One of our neighbors, Chris, he's he's married to one of these late ladies. And he was like, he whispered it to me, now's the time they have the orgy. And I was like, ah, good one. And he's like, no, seriously, that's why they're laying out tarps and everything. And then I had had a few drinks, so I just started asking around and people were like, oh, you didn't know.

Yeah, but of course you feel awkward because that is a real rug pull of the highest order, where it's just like it's not like they're like, we're going to play twister and we're going to get flirty and you're like, you know, because I would just be like, kay, buy, this is like we're going to aall in, assorted and sundry ways have sex with each other in the afternoon after a shellfishing.

At least it was yeah, night had fallen. It was at least was not Oh.

Okay, it wasn't.

I'm imagining people getting sunburn on their lower back, you know, because the butter.

There's butter everywhere. Just just so everyone knows.

I think that documentary was called The Lifestyle Swinging in America.

I believe that's what it's called.

I looked it up, the Lifestyle Colon Swinging, the Lifestyle.

The Lifestyle of the Colon, Swinging in America.

Colon spelled out. It's a very specific documentary about about dietary elements of orgies. Anyway, Yeah, so I it's not yeah, I was.

Not any other orgy invite stories because.

That's yeah, no, I'm trying to go through the role. I mean, no, that's about it. That's about it. That's all I've ever.

I think as a person I.

Am, I radiate the kind of energy that people know don't invite her to this orgy.

I think that's just you know what I mean.

I kind of have a furrowed brow, always look like I'm thinking of something that's bugging me.

It's not.

I'm not open. I don't have an open energy. So I think that's I'd like to think that's why it hasn't happened.

Yeah, yeah, I think that I just have kind of this. When I'm nervous, I just have this dumb, smiling look on my face, and I look like I'm ripe for tossing me into the middle of some fucking flesh salad. Just a as Howard Kramer once said in a song an erotic goulage of Harron Fluids.

Have you talked to him lately?

Today? I was going to do his podcast today Who Charted? Because I never know of any current chart topping songs, and I heard this Harry Styles song from one direction. I know nothing about this kid, and I know his music's played, and I just thought it was a good Justin Bieber song or something. But he has this new as it was. I think it's called this new song

Boy and that Jersey and I hardcore Jersey.

I had to say, I have a current song, Harry Styles, and I have to apologize to you on while recording that I I do appreciate Bruce Springsteen. Now I've turned over a new leaf.

And did he did he receive that? Was he welcoming to that change?

Yes, he was, that's He's like, well, I have. I actually was just apologizing as a friend, and he said we have to be we have to podcast because he was very happy that I've I'm I like Bruce Springsteen.

Now.

I also think that we should have Howard on here not in the car, because the last time we did it and he was in the car, there was this very odd energy and it felt like felt it felt odd, and I think we need to reapproach and have a reunion.

Yeah, there is. I mean, we both like having people in the car to our backs and you never look them in the eye. It's freeing the conversation. You and I only catch peripherals of you. And the only time I've ever looked at you is when you stop short and put your arm in front of me to protect me from flying out the windshield, you know, which I

Also, it was so long ago that it feels like it feels like we need to circle back with But there was a picture I aw something, and I can't remember if it was Chip that tweeted it or who, but there was a picture of those guys from Austin Stories because somebody was doing like a behind the scenes Austin Stories thing, and the three of them and maybe the two creators. Yeah, yeah, And it made me laugh so hard because Poord essentially he looks the same.

Yeah, he won't age, and Chip looked the same. But at the time, I remember when I first saw an old picture of him, I was like, oh, he used to have a lot more weight on him, like because now Chip's like a pretty ripped Oh yeah, he's like an n shape person, and back then it was not a fitness person. But I saw that picture and they both look amazing. Yeah, they both looked just so young. I wish there was a picture of my friend. Matt Bearden was on that show and lower House was on

Dude, and the shirt in that so you saw the picture because the shirt Chip is wearing made me laugh out loud. Huge, it's gigantic, it's hozonally striped. Yeah, it makes him look borderline beefy, which of course Chip is not anyway, but especially Chip is a very modern person, and so he's now like a very fitness Like when he and I worked on this show when we were in Chicago, he would we would end work at like seven or eight at night, and I would be so drained.

Yeah, the whole point.

And he's one of these dudes that I've I don't think he ever I drank, Like if you don't ever drink and never in your history. I always would love to see a picture of me if I never touched anything bad for your body, Like what would I look like? It wasn't years of pickling my innerns. I think that I had a conversation with them when and they were given because it was an MTV show. They were given like free levis, and it was during that era of like baggy LEVI that was the costuming for the Oh

Pants, but it is funny looking at that picture. I remember when skinny jeans came into fashion, and I was like, I'm fucked, because I really appreciated the billowness of nineties fashion because then you can kind of be an and everyone looked kind of rectangular and it was fine, and that was like you didn't have to be have a perfect body because no one could see your body anyway

And now we're living in because a lot of people maybe would disagree with me, But I always think that skateboard style has dictated all the fashion in a lot of ways. And now you hang out at a skate park, it's tight pants over here, it's nineties baggy pant kid over here, it's short shorts like Tom Selleck magnem Pi shorts.

Think I agree, and I think it's because the Internet, where everybody has access to the having choices. So if you are in some small town and everybody dresses like skateboard style. But you don't like that, you can find another look and be like, oh, but I want to dress like the people on the CW's Arrow or whatever that was. I was trying to think of what the opposite of skateboard style would be.

Yeah, you know, I was thinking about it a lot when watching there's this documentary about the weird people behind the Abercrombie and Fitch store and the dictating and the race, the racism. It's it's called The Rise and Fall of Abercrombie and Fitch. I think, okay, And I was reminded of it again when I went to Santa Barbara this weekend and performed for I mean, those kids had all different fashions, but they were the most beautiful audience of

I just looked it up. It's Netflix, so I'm absolutely gonna watch it.

It get good. And the Von Dutch one, there's a similar one about the crazy world behind the Von Dutch Criminals. Yeah. Both are fashion based documentaries that everyone needs to watch. If you remember that Abba Crombie.

And Fitch Guy.

I am very fascinated by because in my act and when I did stand up in the nineties, every once in a while, what I would because I was so lazy and didn't write solid jokes and really put in the time, So sometimes I would just buy a copy of cos Cosmopolitan and take it on stage and just basically make jokes off of what the shit was on the cover, because every month.

It was insanity.

Yeah, yeah, and there and one of my jokes ended up I got bits out of it, obviously, And then one of them was something about just like the way fashion was become like the the insistence. It was like the heroine. She kind of emaciation look that was very popular in the nineties where I was like, I feel like the people in charge are pedophiles because what else explains you?

And you have seen the documentary, Well.

But here's what I think is amazing. I was fucking right, because it's fucking Jeffrey Epstein was in charge at Victoria's Secret and the Limited, like there were actually now known pedophiles in charge of who was becoming models, who was popular, who was like it is actually very creepy and sinister, how that jokey kind of like what the fuck's going on?

Here is the truth?

And that guy from Abercrombie and Fitch is he looks like a monster and he was the and that was like, we don't want fat people wearing our clothes. That's why we don't carry a size over, you know, firry jeans or whatever. Like, yes he went public with that stage.

Yes he did. That's in it. And then later in the documentary he's like, oh, also black folks and also like everyone asked to be ripped and white. Yeah, and people are getting fired for not having the quote Abercrombie look, which was blue eyed. My parents have Orgies on the weekend, holy shit, and and it was. It was also interesting just marketing wise, like they used to just blair music and there was shutters over the windows and you couldn't

Jesus.

But then I looked around at everyone and I'm like, oh, yeah, everyone here is gorgeous and ripped. I'm my feelings aren't that hurt. I'm a comedian and Daniel is a handsome, tall guy, so I understand why. But they in front of us said he can work here. You can't. I swear to you it didn't hurt. Maybe it hurt my feelings a little bit because I was still like that. I was like twenty five, like it was like what.

But also it's just that kind of thing where it's like a trend and it's popular and high schoolers are being affected by this trend. So like I remember in the mall seeing a boy standing outside the Abercrombie and Fitch at the at the Sherman Oaks Galeria, and he's like trying to spray people with like Colone or per they.

Talked about, Yeah, they release it from like fans in the store too.

That cologne smells fucking horrible. And this poor boy looked like he wanted to die. He looked so embarrassed, and he's like, it's like a mall full of people just schlepping around and then he's there, yoked with no shirt on, just kind of smiling, but like in he looked like he was in pain, and I was like, that is super gross.

Yah, It's like he was probably sound because it's the manager of the store told him, Hey, don't spray this on anygos. Save your spray for the hotties.

To me, this is yet another one of those examples when people at the time were like, oh, this PC thing is gone too far. It's like, no, it fucking has. It hasn't even begun to go too far. Because the thing that the PC police were fighting was shit where that guy who I mean, let's not get into being mean about people's faces. He had no right to be judging any one's appearance, this man.

And he was up.

There being like, no, no fat chicks, no ugos, and he's just like, sir, go to therapy.

There is something wrong with you.

No teak inside?

Yeah, and also why do you want you want shirtless teen boys around all the time?

Look to yourself?

Yeah. Oh and that's where really where all this is space. He had no self esteem, like he had all this botched face surgery and stuff. Not that I'm you know, that's fine, but it looked like he got it in a hurry in the back of a car or something. Yes, And it's it's like he obviously wasn't happy with how he looked, and so he's like judging other people. It's a very strange. He's a very scary person. It's worth watching that documentary.

Well, and I.

Think those people there is that kind of like the rich concept where and especially these days, like you're saying, you looked at that audience and they're all beautiful. That's totally how like people who are twenty five, because first of all, they're young, and you know what I mean, Like it's just like me every time I look in the mirror. There's a new crack in my face. I'm like,

So they're getting plastic surgery.

And that's the thing we don't understand, or I don't understand, because that's not anything anyone even has to just me do.

And a lot or boat talk or injection like all that's it's just general maintenance. Even young people. It's like normal now. Yeah, no, not like I'm not Jeglis, but I think injectables when people want to look better, that's fine. But man, when this guy was getting aunt, they were just figuring out the old snip and tuck behind the ear. I remember seeing someone once with staples behind there be under their ear because they literally this is just coming

Yep, it's rough.

Yeah. Well, also there's a there's a look to it. We were just talking about this last night because it was me and my friends and everyone's over fifty, so we're just like, you know, it's like everybody wants like, oh, nobody wants a saggy neck, but at the same time, no one wants a facelift, because you you know, you

It almost always looks like it.

Yeah, totally, And you're just.

Kind of like showing the world that this is your concern and this is and they're like, but I remember your old face, so now I'm just goes to accept your name.

Though. Sometimes like it's like there's a movie where Wayne Newton had a cameo. Oh it was I was watching Hacks. It's like the current season of Hacks and Wayne Newton has a cameo in it. He's got to be late seventies at this point. His face Wayne Newton, Wayne, or am I thinking of Tom Jones? No, Wayne Newton isn't.

Yeah, yeah, no, that guy's easily in his eighties if it's not nineties.

He looked he has had I'm just saying you can tell it's there, and the teeth or look like pieces of gum. I mean, good normal sized chicklets. I mean it's it's great, but he looks he looks it looks artificial, but he looks great in a weird way, like kind of it's it's hard. It's just I'm conditioned now to be like, man, that's some really good work. It's what I'm what I'm saying, Like I saw it, and I'm like, I can't believe because zero wrinkles. Sure, everything's tight and

And also once you get it, once you get a facelift, you have to keep it up because that's really face. Yeah, you have to keep getting that work done because that's your face now. So it's like you can't you have a facelift, and then you're not going to be like, well then here we go. It's all sliding back down. You have to keep on nipping and tucking and injecting. That's why they like those people that get the lip injections.

That's all temporary, right it is.

So they keep getting them, and that's why their lips get bigger and bigger. Where it's like, hey, I remember you when you had a normal mouth and now you're straight up trout face. I just think it's I think our eyes are acclimating to this.

Plastic surgery.

So it is that kind of thing where like instead of it's not you know, a movie star, and you're like, of course you should look like that, because everyone your job is to be looked at. It's anyone at fucking Vaughn's where just like, hey, we're just hanging out.

I will say, though, when I had to get my tonsils out and the guy was like, while I'm in there, I'm going to do a septoplastate because I've had my nose that's been broken and I can't. I can't if I try and do a netty pot. My nostrils are not connected basically, so he had to go in there and trust me, afterwards, they really broke my nose. It was very painful to get that temporary you know. It redeviated a year later. But I did ask him while

Well, what's weird to me is you don't have a big nose, so that idea is weird to me.

Well, you haven't seen I can fit a roll of quarters up my nostrils.

Look what that's why it keeps deviating? Stop it?

Oh no, just around the surface. But I do notice that it stretches out my nostrils and they stay stretched. My nostrils are like a wind sock. It's just like it's a bad idea. It was a parlor trick I used to do in sixth grade. See all my quarters I could stick up my nostrils, and then.

Chris is at the lobster feed trying to impress the tart. People don't do it. You try to win them over.

Guys, don't put anything in me. Look, I'm putting quarters up my nostrils and then I run.

And everyone's eyes light up. Wait, you're into that? Oh the upside on pineapple with a sprig of lemon additional sign you're into something disgusting.

Yeah, if you show up all glazed with an apple in your mouth, they know you're down. Yeah.

Maybe that takes a little effort on your part, but it will be where it's been that message, don't you get it.

I want someone to put me on a spit wink wink made of digs anyway. Yeah, I know, I'm happy with my nose. I'm just saying I always, I always. You know, when you see my whole life, when you see someone just a little ski jump nose, it's always like, oh, I wonder what it would have been like to have that kind of brad pity little ski jump nose. You know.

Well, And also I think there's just everybody has a thing where they think I need some this would be the thing that makes a difference. And for me, all my life it was weight. And then when I did finally lose a bunch of weight and nothing changed, and including how I felt about myself even though I was like so skinny it was insane. Then I was like, oh shit, this is bad because this was the thing I had attributed all of my problems and shortcomings and

But I feel like that thing.

I wonder And it would be an interesting thing to talk to people who have had surgery that actually changes their so when they look in the mirror, it's not their face anymore, and.

Actually see did this work? Does it make you happier?

Like you're saying your mom's no job did make her happier, and there's some myet two.

Years to heal.

But yeah, yeah, getting new teeth made me happier, right like it absolutely I had nothing to do with other people going I love your teeth.

It was I hated my teeth.

I wake up with that with puffy eye bags under my eyes. I know there's stuff they can they either add fat or they pull it out. I would do that, and I'm just admitting that to you. And I'm assuming no one's listening to this episode. I guess a lot of people are, but I would do that.

I just we get medium numbers once exactly.

I would not if this podcast was more popular, I wouldn't be omitting any of this stuff. I'm gonna get dibags.

Surgery, very different conversations.

I I would do that, And honestly, when when I got my tonsilectomy thing, He's just like, oh the I thought maybe I could give you a free shave off some nose there, but they aren't going to cover it, and so I was like, oh, okay, never mind. It was crazy anyway, because I hate the idea of like people noticing that you did something like That's what I

Yeah.

I want a little bb dimple on my chin and I want a big old chin. And did you know it's a piece of plastic they put in there. Yes, and it's blue. It's blue.

It's blue.

It's a blue piece of plastic. I've seen it before, the chin implant. They add chin to the front and then that pulls your jaw neck tight. Yeah, and it's blue.

I mean, here's the thing. What to me?

And I know other people don't think the same way as me when I see that, and it's like, so you've had part of your nose shaved off and now your face is different than and you're thirty blank years old, so I know for a fact that was not your face before. Now when I'm looking at you, am I saying, oh my god, they're so overwhelmingly gorgeous. No, I'm saying, what's wrong with them? But that's what they did.

If you skip down and move and you're starting a new life, you know, because of the murder you did, which I showed, yes, it would. It would be uh, you know, you just show up someone and they're like, look at that guy's amazing chin. I've never seen him.

Is that Kirk Douglas.

I'm yeah, Douglas? Is that?

Is that a Douglas brother?

Even I can't remember what Halloween costume it was. By put a little dollup of super glue in my chin and pinched it and I had a butt tin all night. It worked. It totally worked. So if you if you don't want to get anything injected, but you do want that little cleft chin, you can I'm not getting it worked, but it just a little pinch, a little pinch of blue there because you know, a super blue.

Oh we've been We've been for real. We've done this podcast, Chris for almost ten years. I've never heard that fucking.

Wy admitted a lot of you know, dys morphia things I've talked about, all these orgies I've been turned down from, I mean asked to leave and uh, and yeah, that butt chin thing. I was a little worried. Eventually, it just it peeled off and I had my normal chin back. But I had a couple of days. I'm looking real douglassy.

Now we're when you walk down the street. Were women drivers slamming on the brakes? Where was there a wolf whssling? Where did people gather around?

I was offered everything from new jobs, armani suits. Uh. One guy just threw me the keys to his Porsche once he thought because you wore your red vest. A lot of people rolling down the window and doing that thing with their tongue in their mouth and then their hair like mimicking like a blowjob. I got a lot of that. Oh okay, yeah, just because of the butt chin. A lot of propositions for sacks and money change. No

Also, that's the other thing to remember when we're feeling insecure, when we're like, because listen, listen, I'm not above plastic surgery. I actually was talking to my sister because I was like, it's now getting to the point where I furrow my brow so much that the furrow isn't going away, It's it looks like I'm furrowing constantly. When I'm in a great mood, it still looks like that because the divots are so ingrained, and like botox it it literally will

It's just this idea that in.

A minute, didn't you what's the vampire facial? Didn't you get didn't you have a blood platelet's rubbed in your Was it your blood or another.

My own blood?

It was like they put a scraper on your face and scrape it just enough. They're like two layers of your skin so that it brings the collagen ough to heal what they scrape.

Second degree burnt. Did you have to stay indoors for days?

I had to just be aware. Yeah, I just kind of stayed out of the sun.

But I remember when you did that, I was like, oh, got because the name is scary, but I wanted to do it too and then just not tell anyone.

But I think it's like my thing is just we all think that people are looking at us the way we look at ourselves, and they're not, because everybody's so obsessed with themselves and what they look like and how big their nose is. So it's like we think it's like, oh, here's the buttchin that's going to make me the king of this party.

And of course people are.

Just like, hey, what's up, because no one's really thinking about you that much.

It isn't how it is.

I wish it were. I realized that a long time, whether it's good or bad, we're always wondering what other people are thinking of us. And in reality, the sad news is they're not even thinking about you at all. No, it's just you in your head, worrying about a thing that doesn't exist. And you know what, you know, who look good with tons of work done? Joan Rivers. I thought in the end, I was like, she looks. I just was used to because, like you said, she maintained

I think after a while, you know, she was old and she had this face that got she Here's the thing about Joan Rivers, and I know people absolutely adore her whatever she was so fucking mean about what everybody else looked like, right, and she is getting her entire face replaced every eight months, and it was just like man. But but it was a kind of of the era. You know. She was just like a she was like a mean comic, but she was really mean to women.

She was really mean to anybody that was slightly overweight. Yeah, and it was all to me.

It's just like it all reflects back to like what you're what you're feeling and thinking you would.

They ran a clip of her and and her daughter being mean in that way. And I was doing crowd warm up at E and I made a comment, uh, of some isn't that the pot calling the kettle black? Type comment? Uh? And I got fired. Oh I was. I was in the house that Joan Rivers built. They didn't tell me, that's why. But the guy directing who would direct. I did a few different shows. It started with Michael Costa's show we've talked about for a brief time.

Yes?

Yeah, I guess so.

Well.

It never feels good to get fired.

I guess no.

No, well, And also, but you wouldn't imagine that that a passing comment would have that kind of power.

But I barely said it into the microphone. Yeah, it was to the audience. But whoever hurt was hearing me. I think that's why I was let go, Oh, we don't need you next week. I'm like, uh, oh, I knew right away. Yeah, because when I said it, I'm like, oh, there is a big poster of her over there. I may he shouldn't have made that comment. I can't remember what I said.

It would be kind of hilarious if, like you said it right as Melissa Rivers was walking by the control room and she's like sick, stops and goes back, No, what.

The fuck did that guy say?

Well, then i'd feel awful. Yeah it's just I blurt. But you know what, as mean as she was, she's made me laugh so many times.

Look, she writes good. I mean she and the people that write for her write good. Hard jokes. But the thing is, and you know, I think we've talked about this before, it's just like if you're if it is no if it's no holds barred comedy, yeah, then why can't you say something about her? Right? It's like that kind of thing where it has to swing both ways to good back.

And that's why I really appreciate it. And I know you've seen this, but that's why I appreciate the clip where you know, Stern had sent out one of his sidekicks to interview Red Carpet and someone said something to her and she fired back immediately with yeah, and that's what I told your mother, Like, I can't remember what they said, but she is so quickly fired back and it and me the guy was fucking with her and she immediately hurt his feelings and it was the best

Yeah.

Why would you quote unquote get a rise out of a person who's been doing insult comedy for seventy five fucking years.

Yeah, that's insane.

Yeah, that's all they do.

Yeah, But I mean, I don't know, I just think that's a bit precious where it's like, so she's literally just just anybody is fair game, and she just destroys anyone and says the meanest things. And then one person goes, yo, who are you to say? Because whatever, and then it's just like you're fired. It's like, oh, I thought, I thought everyone's supposed to have thick skin. I thought it'd take a joke. A joke's a joke. Oh I thought the rule was you.

Know, she quite literally had thick skin after all these years.

She I once on Twitter people, I had a lot of people get really mad at me because she was saying something mean about someone, and I said, this is ironic. When her face looks her face looks like a sucked in Caprice Capri sun bag because at that point she was so old, but she was still getting sorry to laugh at my own joke, but she was still getting so much plastic surgery that it started to look very bizarre.

In my opinion, I think I.

Will always laugh at a Caprice sun bag. It's just my childhood wrapped up in a right.

She looked like someone had finished a Caprice son and then couldn't let it go and just kept trying to drink at it.

I just imagine her mouth being the straw hole.

It's easy.

I love it.

But also I think show business is so hard. It's so disgusting. There's such awful people in the business that are gatekeepers. There's like, you know, like that idea where you can't get small enough, you can't be pitteen enough for women, you can't be pretty enough, and all of that is like all of that is that idea that we're all suddenly now we're all.

Supposed to be.

I mean, like, I hate it because I'm actually in this position of like getting my picture taken and stuff where it's like, hey, I'm a fucking writer. I stopped trying to do this years ago, but now I have to be concerned with all of these super like these things that if thirty year olds are getting injectables and I'm fifty two and I have never gotten anything, it's gonna fucking show and it's going to be kind of surprising how much it shows. And that's it's to me.

I always say, with comedy, i'd like to think we don't have to worry about that as much, and even women I would like to because imagine just being an actor and you have I mean that I can't. I like the idea that with stand up it's it's possible, except being intimidated by young, hot audiences. In my own head, it kind of doesn't matter, you know, right, And if anything,

But here's the thing that you would never lose control over, which.

Is a butt chin.

I think how you're gonna say my bowels crazy glue?

Nope, I'm gonna I'll do it again. Okay, have a party or something Halloween. I promise I will glue a butt chin on my face. It's the It works, and I forgot about it. And I have to think of a good costume.

Now Spartakiss, Yeah, Kirk Douglas as Spartakiss. So you get to dress as a gladiator.

What about the moon from those old the piano playing moon Mac Tonight, I know that he had a moonhead and a moon.

That was not a but chin.

There was a big old butt chin on that moon there was.

I thought it was pointy.

Well, no, that it's weird because his body is the moon, but in the crescent of the moon is a big old chin and sunglasses. Like he had a nose and a mouth and a chin and then a pointy thing that is his coming out of his chest. Basically, I don't know. Now, I need to look up a picture of mac tonight the moon man bade up right now.

Images also so many people have done. There's like lots of choices. Oh, I see ye, big old butchin.

Right.

Well, one thing I never forget, Karen, is a good solid but chein.

You're gonna have to look it up because it's actually not the way you're remembering it.

Okay, it's just a It is a prominent chin though, right, Oh, absolutely, but it's actually crescent moon chin unless I'm looking at the wrong picture.

No, I'm going to send you.

This gift Donald's piano. Man.

This was such a weird fucking commercial. I wonder if they redid.

It anyway, I will I want to do some sort of Okay, I'm gonna do a butt chin. Maybe I'll just be a guy with a butt chin, or maybe I'll just go as Michael Douglas the actor.

Does he have one?

He does? Father well, he has the even more sought after bby hole chin. It's not a butt it's just an actual dimple.

You're right, it's the I'm sorry, Kirk Douglas and Spartacus. That's the bebe hole chin. It's isn't it like Huey Lewis has a butt chin. Yeah, Huey Lewis in the news.

Correct.

Yeah, yeah, Corness has it, and a lot of people have that bby hole chin. I really, it's one of my favorite things. If surgery buys you that, I don't think anyone would be Matt I would own it. I'd be like, hey, look I got a butt chin. I've always wanted one.

Judge away, Wait, I'm trying to look up. We have to wrap this up, I think, I mean we're doing this on time.

I just want to come to a good but chin conclusion.

Yeah, I think we need to settle some stuff.

Oh yeah, he's playing saxophone, which is so that's Oh, you're right. I was so wrong. The moon is his chin.

Yeah, you're right.

I don't know why. I guess it's just obviously since it's the edge of the moon that chin. Imagine having a big, pointy lung. Yes, orange chin.

Very upsetting kind of is.

Oh, we lived in a terrible era. We grew up in a strange era. That's a monster. And I when you and I first hung out and made each other laugh, that was the time I went to your house and we watched Mac and Me and Yeah High and laughed because it's an insane movie. And if you people listening haven't heard it. I just did a cover for my friend Mac, who's doing like a residency at the Echo, and I did a Mac and Me, but I put her face on the logo. It's on my I'll send

It's so disturbing.

Yeah, it's the most disturbing movie ever.

Huey Lewis absolutely does have the but chin. He is classic butch.

And I sent you a gift has a good one.

And Michael Douglas, you're right, he has a but chin.

Hey, why don't you type in Tom Selik chin and the fucking conversation is over. Put in selic chin right now? Holy shit, I and this is just chins for memory for me, yes, oh my god, but in selic chin.

And look at this gift.

There's a there's a gift of Tom Selik in underwear and they someone made his chest hair glitter.

He's got a normal funny he's got.

A normal chin. Who I'm wrong, Selik, he doesn't have a butt chan. He's got a chin like I'm regular me like me, Yeah.

You know what it is.

It's just a Tom Selick is absolutely a gorgeous man. So he has all the qualities of like a leading man like that, but he doesn't have that.

It's you and your love of eyebrows. He's got thick, bushy.

I do I love a swarthy man.

Feral caterpillars. It's just a good Peter Gallagher.

Peter Gallagher has a real good chin. Which one does he have though, butt or bbe?

Go on Twitter, everyone just send us all the butt kin content you got.

Gallagher search Wait, oh, I just put I just searched Peter Gallagher in my texts as if he had said me, what if.

That's the way you found out You've been pen pals with Peter Gallagher this whole time.

He totally so low key.

He never even mentioned that I've been texting him this al time. Peter Gallagher has a normal chin too.

Damn it. I keep having all these butt chin missfires.

But the butt chin is rare. The bebe chin is even more rare.

Oh, I believe it is like the sweet, sweet, extinct banana that they want anyway. Finishing it, we talked about nerds bananas breaking your teeth open, and Carrie, one of one of the fans of our podcast, at my show in West Bend, she brought me a big bag of just the banana flavored runts. But they were yeah, but they weren't hard. They were soft, melt in your mouth runts. And at first I don't want any banana flavored. I

It's based on chemicals.

I yes, well, of course the candy they didn't used to squirt ole. Now hard to get banana juice in it. I'm just saying it was. It was fashioned after intubes. Yeah, wen't. I can't wait for banana milk to be on every grocer's shelf next to a cup of tree sapp That was fun. Okay, good, we did work. Good work today. Everybody high fives all around. All right. I mean that's just two of us. You've been listening to Do you Need a Ride?

You don't know that d y n aar.

This has been an exactly right production.

Produced by Casey O'Brien.

Mixed by John Bradley, artwork by Chris Fairbanks. Theme song by Karen Kilgarriff.

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At dinar podcast that's d y n ar Podcast.

For more information, go to exactly rightmedia dot com. Thank you, Oh, you're welcome.