Are you leaving?
I you wanna way back home?
Either way, we want to be there. Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim, and give us time and a terminol and gay eight. We want to send you off InStyle. We wanna welcome you back home. Tell us all about ity scared? He was it fine? Malborn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?
Ride?
Do you need.
With?
Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need a ride?
This is Chris Fairbanks and this is Karen Kilgarriff.
Hello, my friend Karen. Hi, how are you.
Well?
I'm good. I just got back from a trip to Hawaii. No brag.
You went to Hawaii.
I went to May. I pronounce it correctly, Hawaii the island of kawa e. I don't know if that's actually how I pronounce it, But I thought of you on my ride home. It was very fast trip, it was it was lovely, and that's my favorite place and all these things. But so I was dreading the flight home anyway. But I also hate I just I hate the in between, like I like to be home or I like to be in the place I'm going, but that in between, I have to shut down. I just have to not
be available really to my fellow man. That's the only way I get through it, because like.
Yeah, right, that's the problem. Easy every would stand up.
I can't. The actual flights, I can't.
You got too sensitive. You and I where like other people affect us. I will have one comment from one person and I'll be furious for a four hours. It's craziness. So that's the mode I was in. But there was a super cute boy in the seat next to me on the ride home, where I was like, it's too bad you're not a friendlier person. You should be. You could even say one word to this person, but he's super super cute, and I kept thinking like why is
he so cute and friendly? Like at one point, his AirPod thing was sitting in the counter between us, and I went, is that yours? Because I thought maybe it was mine and I had left it there, and he went oh, sorry and grabbed itn't like was the last time you see a man act like that? I was like, I'm sorry to have my shit near your stuff. Where I was like, oh, I did mean that way, but I didn't even say that. I just went back to my I was like, don't break out of the pod.
When we land, him and his friend across, who looked very familiar, take down skateboards. Oh and then when we and then people were talking to them about the skateboards. And then I'm like, of course they're professional skateboarders, that's why they have that vibe about.
I'm trying to think what was going on in Hawaii.
I don't know the island of Kawaii. They could have been on vacation and just brought their boards.
It could have maybe, but those I mean, if usually that means someone's got a camera and they're working. Where did they have red bull hats on? I needed to if I could start guest guys.
The guy sitting next to me had like a cowboy hat on, but it felt like he was doing it sarcastic.
Sure, sure that happens leisure where.
And then the guy and then here's what I loved. I think they were with It wasn't just the two of them. I think they were with other people. But they took their skateboards down that were like zip tied together. They were like specifically kind of like made into baggage. I think, yeah, they cut the zip ties and as we were because the Hawaiian this is very boring, but the Hawaiian gate in lax is like five miles away from everything else. You literally have to walk for twenty
minutes to get out to where Hawaiian is. And as we were walking back, they skateboarded by in the in the airport like walking.
Anyone that's an amateur doesn't have the confidence like me to actually skate in the airport.
I see it in video.
Pros do it because then they can just flash there, I'm a professional skateboarder card.
Yes that's what. That's what to me locked it down that they were serious because also they had to basically skate through people, which only I think the highest level skaters are good at. Like you messed that up once and yeah, I think you don't go back.
Terrific?
Yeah, yeah, totally terrific. No, I is terrific information. Did the guy with the cowboy hat have face tattoos?
No, okay, looked there was a kind of he looked young and old at the same time, the guy sitting next.
To me, If you have long hair, no, okay, clean cut looking. I don't know, I don't know.
We'll have to look it up.
It was.
I was thrilled. And also here's the best part, uh my stuff. We were the first seats, so my stuff was behind me, and there were some people behind us that were like had a kind of anti mask vibe to them where they were kind of being argumentative when we first shut from Yeah, so I looked and I was like, I have to get off first, but my suitcase is here, and then my purse is like one down.
So and then I tried to say that to the man who literally was like one inch from my face because he wanted to get off and he was just going to push through my person apparently, and the skateboarder, i'll call him, the skateboarder goes, where's your stuff, I'll get it. It was like he heard me trying to communicate with this old man who was not hearing me and didn't care, and then he just got it done for me, like he was everything I wanted him to do.
That's that's skateboarders for you. There's a sense of community. They look out for other people.
They do.
It's not the early nineties anymore.
No, And I think they're excited to be making a living at the hobby they love to do. So they had that good energy out in the world.
Yeah maybe yeah, and they know it only lasts like five years.
Yeah, I enjoy it.
Well, they make the most of it.
Well, yeah, he'll have two blown out knees come two thousand and twenty seven. Oh sorry, I don't mean to wish that on his cowboy wearing hat. No cowboy wearing hat ass, Well, yeah, I'll figure out who it was. When you said cowboy hat, I think this Lockwood guy or Brandens Franski.
I don't know.
There's people that wear I brimmed hats, not necessarily if it's a full on cowboy hat boy you got me.
I'm not sure, but that could have been like his island hat that he just was not ready to let.
Go, right right, we all wear islands.
War He had a little bit of a red hair tan red haired person rare, okay, but he would still need that sunshade. I think. Yeah, yeah, as we all do in Hawaii.
I'm going to get to the bottom of this great and I knew his phone.
Numbers can text it.
Yeah, remember me.
But now we should introduce our guests, don't you think.
Of course, one of my favorite people on and off stage. We share the same manager, we're related, and that we both started in the wonderful city of Austin, Texas. You know her clubs as well as so many colleges.
So many colleges all over the country.
Every ladies and gentlemen.
Maggie May whoa, yeah, yeah, yeah, I love that.
Is that root and toot?
Oh? Yeah, you got to give a little more on Zoom so people really know. Like if I was just sitting here smiling, Maggie, you might not know how excited I was. So I have to. I have to do some finger guns for you.
I feel very welcome with that.
It's mostly for the guests, but when you're gesticulating, it also affects you, know, your enthusiasm and even though you can't see it. Karen and I are always wildly throwing our hands about and doing it's just kind of shoulders. Yeah, yeah, we're all bobbing our shoulders right now and we always feel good.
Does feel good. That's going to be part of something.
Right, A team, A shoulder team.
We look good on Zoom doing it too.
Yeah, it makes sense we could be fly Girls or something, Maggie.
Maggie, you go ahead, Karen.
I was just thank you, Chris. I was just gonna say, Maggie, I feel like the last time I saw you was when we were at the All Jane Comedy Festival in Portland. What was it eight years ago or.
It has to have been, I see something like that.
I don't think i've seen you in person since that time. So nice to see you again.
You too.
It's always hard because I'm like, now that we're coming back out of things, I'll see people and be like, I haven't seen you in forever where, And then I remember that, like we all haven't seen each other and forever, and like that's kind of yeah. I mean we never did get see each other like every day or anything like that, so then you know, it just feels like longer.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And every time I see someone, I'm like, I haven't seen you in three years with an accusatory tone.
Why why, Oh I forgot about the world.
Oh the disease, the disease hid you from it.
It's a great it's a great sign. We don't immediately think.
Of the disease.
See, it's not it's it's slipping our minds. Now we're back to we're back to uh blaming people.
It's great. It's a good sign.
It's a healthy sign. Maggie. How was your quarantine overall? Not bad?
It wasn't really bad.
I'm an introvert, and you know, I worked from home a lot anyway, and so it was just I caught up on a bunch of Netflix shows. I mean, it had its like it's ups and downs, but like I just just got real weird and got real comfortable with it and just was like I'd wake up at like two in the morning and start my day and then go to sleep at like four pm and then wake up at midnight and just like and I liked that it was and I really acknowledged that it was nuts
at the time. I was like, this is not this is not a sustainable model, Like this is not what sane people do in their lives.
And I know there's an end to this, but it was fun.
I was like, no, it's fun to kind of be crazy and just be eating breakfast at three am.
And just yeah, I knew you'd say that because you and I were checking in weekly, because manager we asked we were doing those Zoom shows and we all were hanging out and talking even when no one else was meaning like with our masks and going to that scage, and so I knew you were I knew you were thriving.
Thank you, Thank you.
Yeah, I did the same thing. I did a lot of waking up at three am and going, oh, well, let's just let's watch some TV. Let's go with this, and the same thing of at the beginning of Quarantine, I just said to myself, this is going to get weird. You've never done no one's ever done anything like this before, so there's no rules. And as weird as things get, you're fine, Like it'll go back eventually. But like, so then I would get up and I was also telling myself,
did you ever hear that? Like Ben Franklin used to get up at three thirty in the morning and that's when he would write and had all his like invention ideas and stuff.
Oh yeah, yeah.
So I was telling myself, like, this is some real Ben Franklin shit that I'm doing.
Yeah, it would have been some Ben Franklin shit for me if I was a waking up at three in the morning to watch guys grocery games for the sixth week in a row. I was like, let's go start our day and be productive. Let's see what they're doing over at Flavortown Market.
There's an actual Flavortown restaurant in Universal City now, so it comes up on my Postmates where I'm like, I could have anything on the Guy Fieri menu delivered to my house if I wanted to.
I am so close to Universal City I have half of mind to go run down there and pick up a chicken cluck or whatever he's doing. I watched all the shows that Guy Fieri hosted, all of the Chance of a Lifetime.
I watched all of that.
What was Chance of a Lifetime?
So he handed over keys to a new Chicken Guy franchise. So he's having a Chicken Guy franchise. He had six people come up and do like a two week long job interview where they had to like you know, do all these little crazy events and get judged by Hunter and stuff. His son was part of it, and they gave the restaurant to the guy who obviously was gonna win.
Like the whole time, there was like one great candidate and a bunch of like you know, if if if if a miracle happens, one of y'all can win, but it's probably gonna be Kevin.
How did you know it was him?
Because the guy was wearing a flaming Spider Man silk button up or something.
He's like, what's up, brother? I think we're on a like mind and I could open the hell out of this restaurant like you would.
How's your bookkeeping minds?
Okay, Yeah, we've reached a point where everyone used to talk shit about Guy Fieri.
Did every did.
Shane Torres open everyone's eyes to what a decent person he is, like helping people start restaurants.
Since Like, okay, I.
Just because I don't like his style, He's yeah, he's probably a super nice guy.
I was never we're on that bandwagon, and I was a big fan of Scots, so I was like, hell, yeah, we're that bowling shirt.
Let's get those frosted tips over here.
I'd never realized till right now.
Yeah, he just looks like the lead singer of Goldfinger. Yeah he's a skankin guy.
He's a scott guy.
Yeah.
Well then I would love to brag right now that he lives up near my hometown in northern California, and he used to have a restaurant in Pedloma called Johnny Garlics that was very popular. Thing that's so perfect, super popular. And then everyone up there knows he's a great guy because that's the one celebrity you can talk about and people are like, I met him, he's great, he's so nice,
he's down to earth. And I saw him once on the street on Halloween when my niece who is now in freshman in high school but at the time was like three years old or four years old, and the downtown of Peddluma used to do a thing on Halloween during the day where little you could take the little kids to stores, so it was like they got to trigg or treat in a very like kind of safe and you know, structured environment and no weirdos, no razor blades. And I saw I saw Guy Fieri with his I'm sorry,
Guy Fieri with his uh. I think his kid at the time also uh trigger treating, and everybody was trying to be cool, like everybody's trying not to look and just act like he's our neighbor. Everything's fine. But we were all through.
Well knowing guy it probably wasn't this kid, he's just mentoring or doing a Big Brothers Big Sister program thing.
He's just a young chef. Yeah, yeah, he's that kid. Probably has a lucrative food truck on a bicycle.
Now see here, kid, you could reduce this snigger down to a gas streak.
Oh man, so wait sorry. The Johnny Garlics ever would be like, it's great, you have to go there.
You have to try it until the owner comes up and whispers in your face, how are you enjoying everything?
Ohn garlic?
Although woodn't your breath counterbalance?
Going back at him, they just clash in mid air.
Yeah, it's the only smell that you can smell. But diners dives and drive through right, Yeah, it's something in there.
Yeah yeah.
They That one I really loved because I really like and I don't want to steal streen Doors this a bit, but I do feel like that idea of like there are these places, especially where I'm from, where people like we'll go there once a week because the food is so good. But it really there's a place. There's a there's a place in Pedluma and they sell amazing hot dogs,
but it's in a an auction yard for livestock. So you literally are driving in and like behind it there's just cows and sheep waiting to be bought and slaughtered. And then but you can walk into like the front office area and get the best hot dog around. So like, I really I'm very much a believer in that idea of like the little hidden places that people actually love.
Yeah, the hidden gems.
But what kind of gets me on those is like they will just show you how they make their thing.
Yeah, will, and.
It's a base recipe and everything like that. But there are some Mexican food restaurants in my hometown that if they showed the base recipe for like their keiso recipe, that would be my caso recipe.
I would never need to go back.
You know, Like I'm real close to figuring some stuff out, and you know, I don't want Triple D to go on and like ruin their business from me, because right I will fast forward and pause as long as I need to. I'll measure what looks like a fourth of a cup, just getting real close to the TV and just start measuring.
I mean, are are you from Austin or from another town in Texas?
From South Texas?
Okay?
Yeah, and so you do you know of anywhere in LA that does the text Mex thing properly like a bullet.
It was such a staple.
Of my diet, just having a bowl of melted cheese one time a week, and I didn't realize it was specific to Austin.
Really.
Yeah, South Texas does that too, the text Mex. I haven't found a place here that does. Quesoa. There is a place I like Pikto Moss because they serve the food similar to text Mex. Like I'm a huge Mexican food. It has to be refried beans. You can't just put like a handful of loose beans on my plate, just the real beans.
Just spilling out of a book bag.
No one wants a bunch of wet beans, separate, separate beings scattered everywhere.
They're like, you want some of this, yes, sprinkles.
Bean, get your beans together, sir.
Wait, if you had the caso burrito at Pikeito Moss where they stick the the caso was poured inside.
I have not had that yet. I keep getting the Bulls Caso burrito.
Yeah it's real good, but I think it truly is like four thousand calories.
I mean it's pretty commitment.
You just got to make a commitment for one day, like I'm gonna have this Poketo mass burrito.
Yeah and walk home. Yeah, it burns some of it off, but I'm.
Doing counter yes, exactly, plan ahead.
The one thing that day on your Google calendar is oh yeah, it's burrito Wednesday.
Oh I got it. Sorry, I got to do some stretching. It's burrito when.
Tomorrow I send an email.
It Caeso is a miracle dish though. It's amazing.
It really is.
It really is, And if you can find someone that makes it just like, oh, I mean the place near my home, in my hometown actually Losa Savos. You could just feel it trickling down your throat and just coating your whole throat like a warm shawl.
Like a nice hug. And you're like, this is hardening an artery and I'm cool with it.
Yeah, there's other arteries.
Do you see what science is doing these days? I'll get a pig artery if I need to.
So reading is now, when did when did you start in Austin? Then you were you were there when I had already left. I keep I just went back enough to where I got to know you on visits, but maybe.
I started in two thousand and nine.
Yeah, I was. I had already established residency here.
Oh yeah, yeah, La, I have a residency at Tenure in.
Both Echo Park and Austin. I have a residency.
Yeah, Chris Fairbanks is the You're the Elton John of Echo Park.
Oh yeah.
Residency is where you performed somewhere for a whole month or something.
I've done that too, sure.
Yeah, I had a residency at Tiger Lily, I think.
Yeah, and I have ten is that in Austin?
No, that was a show here. It was bad.
It was pre pre your arrival. I like to reference things long since forgotten.
I like, Maggie, We've got an information sheet on you, and it was just like things you do and whatever, and then at the bottom of it says, Maggie really likes candy.
That's the time remember where whenever it was that you kept going on about nerds rope, Karen, Oh yeah yeah, And I was like, I don't know that I've ever heard it. I think I pretended to be like, oh I love a nerd rope because I was on board with the Nerds candy, But I lied to you.
I'm admitting that. Now. Not a day or two later, we.
Had some kind of a candy themed zoom show and you and Maggie gave me a nerds rope. It was just days later, and I'm like, hey, I've been hearing about these things.
And yeah, you weren't.
Kind of amazing.
Yeah, it's I mean, it's yeah, it's it's everything.
All the textures, it's every it's a texture of kind of every kind of sour candy. Yeah, but then a newness that that I appreciate.
Yeah, it's I feel like the nerds on a nerd rope have more of a mouthfeel to them mm hmm, because they have to like compete with the with the rope. But Karen, have you have you fucked with the nerds Goma clusters.
Gommy clusters. You just like them because they're stuck together. It's the same as this bean situation. Now, you don't like loose sass nerds. Yeah, you know these nerds strewn about.
You don't want nerds just going everywhere. You'll never be able to get them back up. They're hard to vacuum and meet him on a roper and a.
Yeah, and when you're in the box it's like, yeah, oh, you can get crazy and mix these two nerds together, but on a rope or the gummy cluster I haven't seen yet. You got probably ten different nerd varieties in one mouth bite.
See, the gummy cluster is like the perfect bite of a nerd rope.
Yeah, because sometimes when you try to eat the nerd rope, you pull the rope apart and then the.
The nerds just go flying get strewn about.
Yes, they do.
Loosed.
And plus, when you're dealing with a length of rope like that, there's a lot of pre It's not like you can slide it back into its sheath and it comes with a ziplock like.
It means you eat this whole rope today.
And you should probably eat it in the backyard. Yeah, you guys, they're just gonna get all over the place.
You gotta go out out by a barn or something where no one can see you.
But not on my good couch.
Yeah, you stay out.
Of that room.
And when someone sees you go out to the back house with.
A length of any kind of rope, they think you're about to off yourself.
Yeah, maybe I'm going out on a limb.
There, are you about to deliciously kill you.
It's the darkest about a murder myself as a flavor.
I'm gonna need the answer, use and delight down there's a there's another one that I just tried. And truly, it's this thing where sometimes I'll just walk down that aisle. Most of the time I try to stay out of that aisle, like it wherever Walgreens or CBS. But sometimes you go down there and they're just like, oh no, no, we've come up with another one. Come over from the come and see, you know. And so there's one and
I can't. I think this is in the sweet Tarts family, because you know how sweet Tarts that now make a licorice, which is the greatest. The texture alone, it really seems like you're eating a Hello Katie eraser, which is my lifelong dream. Yes, now they have. I can't even explain it. It's like they're sweet I can't remember there's sweet heart clusters or something. But you bite into it. I can't. You just have to buy them. I can't explain it.
It's like a little like or like it's got something in there.
No, there's nothing inside. It's empty inside. So it's hard to explain because there's not a lot to describe except for this sensation is so ir like interestingly strange. It's like there they know that those candy people must be doing lots of studies where they're like, it's not just about a good taste. There's also needs to be some kind of like consistency and your mouth. That's interesting.
Crunch is like a necessary sensation or whatever, like the human brain.
Yes, yeah, it's funny that we all are taught as young people that candy is made in a laboratory with a bunch of people with lab coats and.
The flat like how do you put this flavor?
And I thought more about that than so many more important advances in technology and the medical field. I just think of, yeah, lab technicians making candy.
And why can't they get banana right? It just doesn't taste anything like it.
Actually, when it comes to runts, I mean all those are the exact crunchiness you need to then you get to the banana. I guess they were trying to keep because the banana's long and they don't want to break. They want full, but at the price of you bust and a tooth open. Banana runs are always too hard. They've always been the worst. It's just get rid of them. Sorry, it's a size problem. It's a shape problem.
No more banana.
You get it at the wrong angle, it just goes right into your mouth.
Oh, under your gut.
Yeah like ow.
But also I'm not against it, but I'm also in serious paint. I always really loved Runts because I like things that are the shape of the thing of the flavor they are, which is a weird, but like I've gotten lip glosses because they're shaped like an actual cherry that you unscrew and then the lip glosses on the inside. I have ever seen things like that, So like when Runts first came out, I was like, thank you, it's strawberry shaped. I know which one I'm having right now.
Right, and it's by the color and it's a miniature version of fruit, which you know, I hit it for so many years. But I've been very outspoken about how I enjoy miniatures and if I could put that shit in my mouth, oh yeah yeah, and bite it like it's a tiny apple, Like pretend I'm a little you know, a giant eating an apple.
Actually try to turn it into an apple core. I mean stop.
It, stop it stop it, just stop.
I hope my dolls eat them.
Have a slightly larger than necessary banana.
Eat this lime, Come on, Idroe.
So Maggie, what would your say top three candies across the candy spectrum be like if it was Halloween? Okay, take your time.
So I'm a huge gummy fan, but the the more things go, the more I'm kind of grossed out at the idea of anything with gelatine in it.
Gotcha and there are Yeah.
I was at day So when they had some some gummies and it was like gelatine parentheses, pig and I was like, they're really just letting you know. You can't ever say you didn't know, because they're just letting you know.
The reason I stopped eating paste because that's all horse Yeah, Elmer Elmer's is all hoof baby.
I love a good gummy. I like a good like a gummy worm. Yeah, I like those. Harribo has some really good rainbow gummy worms. The number one candy, though, has to be a bulk Caribo letter. Yeah, you know the ones where you go to those candy stores and you like shovel the ones that because they have them in a peg bag.
But they're little.
But the ones that you go and shove them in, they're like, you know, pretty big. They're like fingerlink.
And you said, bulk hariboo leather letter letter.
I thought you like, I like some bulk harrabo chaps. You eat them when you're done with us.
Struck as much off as for your modesty, strawberry ass.
Less, ass less edible chaps.
They weren't gonna be assless, but they're delicious.
We can make the massless.
All chaps are assless. By the way.
The first, the first good point. The first time I went to a candy store like that was in the early nineties, Stones Town, the mall at San Francisco, and we were incredibly stoned, and we walked in and it was just like in these you know, bins and tubes of every gummy, every anything that you would want. And we took our bags and we were going around and filling the bag and oh my god, there's this kind and I love a gummy peach, I love a sour ball.
They had every everything. And then I got up to the counter and it cost me like twenty five dollars and I was just like, I was super broke. You know, I'd like a minimum waste job, and I was just like oh, Like for some reason, it was like, oh, I like all this, so I'm gonna fill my bag. And it's like right, and this shit is ten dollars a pound or whatever, like you're not just getting it. It's not just gonna cost you seventy five cents like you're at the drug stores. It was a rude awakening.
That's the thing.
They just really rely on that nostalgia of like, oh, shoot, gummy rings. I haven't seen a gummy ring, and oh I like gummy rings. And then like I mean, nobody is ever picking anything out, knows what size it is, like a weed dealer, Like this is an eighth of gummy bears.
Let's go give me my four ounces of those? Yeah yeah, yeah.
That night actually the night you gave everyone candy at the Zoom thing, I kept a ring.
You gave me a ring pop and I kept that for a while. That's because I was.
My parents got me really paranoid about cavities, I think more than other parents did. Like I'd have my Halloween candy all year and then I'd i'd save it for a special occasion. And eat it while listening to music and dancing in my room. And then I'd hide it. Oh, I'd stash it. Oh, I don't wait. It was a weird routine of dancing and listening to the cure or something, but I still do it a little bit. I kept that Ring Pop for a while and then I needed it.
One day, had a stressful day, got some bad emails. I locked my door, I turned on some OMD and I sucked that thing dry.
I sucked it all the way to the plastic little nubbin.
Oh yeah.
And also ring Pop the candy itself. I find you don't usually get such a quality candy when it's a novelty item like that, Like you know, when they're trying to make it a shape or a thing, then they actually can't. Like candy. Cigarettes, yeah, which we absolutely used to buy and pretend to smoke. We always thought cars going by I thought we were smoking, which we thought was really cool. But the app you actually got to like the gum or the hard candy on the inside,
it was disgusting. It's just like she felt like a mistake. Ring Pop candy is some of the best hard candy there is.
Yeah, there is because it's hard. That's why those those runts. I bring those up again. Those goddamn bananas made me mad. One time I made these. I was trying to get art illustration work, and I just made all these samples of my art in a little fold out thing that was the size of a CD jewel case, because I'm like, what can I hand out? That's a miniature booklet portfolio too, And so I had all the samples in the fold out,
but then there was this EMPTYCD thing. So I randomly but then it was like this, TOPS made a CD sized piece of bubble gum, and I ordered a bunch of them, and they were all broken in half, like imagine a CD sized piece of gum, a compact disc of gum. Of course, start to make it too hard and crumbly, so half of them were broken. But I
put them in there. And then when I handed them out, everyone thought at the time, I mean, this was the early two thousands, so they're like, ooh, a DVD ROM of your art, like they thought I was all high tech, and I'm like, no, open it up and it would just be a broken piece of gum. So I went to this trade show and I was handing all these out, and all these guys were like, oh, gum, and they just instinctively put it in their mouth and then bit down on it and there's a loud crunch and they'd
spit it in their hand. They kind of ended up backfiring, but it made me more memorable, and I did get a lot of work for like years just from that one, like illustration. Yeah, it was an accidental thing. I'm like, wow, my tooth hurts. Oh yeah, we need an illustrator for that.
Oh that guy yew that guy, the.
Guy that actually is responsible for this broken Yeah.
Yeah, it's a weird thing that worked.
But yeah, I love that old gum like baseball card gum or whatever, where you would try to chew it and then truly, after like six minutes, it just you know, even if you could get it going as gum, it would just start crumbling. Like it's almost like it was so cheap. They didn't put in actual gum. You know, it's like there's powder and there's other shit in there, but like they were going to splurge on the thing that makes gum gum, they just left it out.
Yeah.
The same with listen kid, take your baseball card, get out of here.
You got plenty with your car.
And then they double like I can't believe they I bet they still make it. There was speaking of baseball and gum, Big League chew Hell yeah, it was shredded gum. And they even had a caricature on the front like it was like, hey, do you want to chew tobacco like your uncle, Well here's tobacco for kids. That should have been downright illegal. The fact that it was marketing, and I know that's why later in life I tried Copenhagen in school. It was because the great experience I
had with the gum version. It's up there with candy cigarettes as far as just a bad idea for the youth. I know I get political sometimes.
But it was no you have to express yourself. But it was good gum. That's the difference is that was like the eighties remix where the gum quality like you could. I feel like we were We paid so much attention to candy growing up because we had a corner store and that would be like the thing we did every day after school, so we'd just get other people in the neighborhood or whoever wanted to or was like should we walk to Agis's and then we it was like
a mile there and a mile back. So anything that was new, if they had it, we would get it. So we would buy candy that'd be like Violet Crumble, which is an Australian candy bar that for some reason our little local store started ordering. So then we would order it. And it was basically like any comb candy and it was a little bit like more for adults, I think, but we got it anyway because we were just like, we have to know whatever candy is. You know,
you're just like connoisseurs. And when Big League Chew came out, it was almost like, well, I'm not a professional baseball player, but I have to try this gum. I need to be in on this.
I wonder.
The line was of like, caddy cigarettes are bad for hilation. We need to start letting our kids know there's a healthier gum candy alternative for them.
To It still reminds you of another way to get cancer. I actually would put Big Leg Chew in my lip and spit like it was it's all coming back to me now.
It was very dangerous, very dangerous idea for kids.
It was a gateway gum for sure, it's.
The gate wait, gateway eist gum.
What about toffee fay? Remember, Oh, you guys are too I think you're too young, do you? When they were the commercial was to coffee is too good for kids, but it's not too good for you. That was the commercial, and so it'd be like, yeah, for real. So it's such a like eighties thing of like, hey, fuck you kid, but also you might be able to get this maybe, like and then you're like, I have to have that.
I have to have that. So it be like grandparents passing around this candy and they pass it over the kid's head and then it's like at the end they're like you can have one. Oh, and it wasn't the best candy, but you wanted to eat it because you weren't supposed to do.
So it's it's higher quality. It's like Worthers, we all know.
As for the older folks, there's candies marketed towards the older people. There's also I can't remember what was it, a dove like where it's like sensual and it shows waves of sexy chocolate and it was almost like pornographic.
Those ads.
Yeah, they got a little messages in them too.
Really, you're going to find love soon? Yeah, over each twenty guy.
It just something, you know, something Woo woo, something Lululemon. It's just like I wish is a dream of your heart or something like.
It's nothing. Why are you.
Writing this in here? But it's snapple fashion.
You're just shoving for in your mouth at a time, just like, okay, all right, yeah, all my dreams are gonna come true.
I mean, no one's ever truly enjoyed a fortune cookie. I'm sorry, we but we all eat them because we want to find out, you know, about the next fiscal gear or love around the corner.
There's what's my future? I tell me, cookie on the planet.
There's definitely not any flavor in your future.
But yeah, I I that's the only I believe in fortune cookies.
Like I it's.
So funny that I actually I have to read them, and I feel like you can't read it without eating the cookie.
I still believe that as an adult. What the hell? Who trained me?
Have you ever gotten one of those fortunes cookies where it's like crumbled and you can see the fortune in it already, but the cookie is already crumbled, around it.
Oh, that's always a bad omen.
I don't know if those cookies have authority though.
Yeah, No, that's yeah, that seems like a bad Yeah.
That's you don't even want to read that fortune That's that's bad. That's bad diet. Yeah, you know.
Yeah, it's basically like just slide that cookie is somewhere else. Yeah, it's like that VHS tape in the ring. You just want you got to pass that.
On to stay away.
Yeah.
I actually got a fortune cookie one time when we lived in Sacramento and that so I was in college or around college age, probably flunking out of college at the time. Things were a little dark anyway, and I got a fortune that said it was something immediately, I like remembered it for a long time, but it said something along the lines of he may love you, but he does not love you very much. And everybody else is like, you know, got the real general life ones
that you've seen all your life. And I was just sitting there like did someone hand write this to me? Like what in the fuck it was? It was harsh and kind of hilarious.
Here It's like, well, right, that's just mean. It was Every so often there's someone in the factory. You're like, you know what, fuck it, You're losing your job tomorrow. Everybody hates you.
Yeah.
Yeah, you gotta put some bad ones out there. Can't all be good news.
No.
My favorite, my favorite thing in Austin, Maggie, you might remember this but or maybe it was too long ago, but there was a car dealership that also did palm reading.
And there was so.
It was obviously like, uh, my wife and I worked. I sell cars and she does palm readings or whatever. So there was like a neon sign of a hand and like, come in and learn.
About your future.
So it was a perfect situation to be like, ooh, I see a you know, a ninety eight Chevy Burretta in your future or whatever. Like I wondered if they somehow lured people into I see you're.
Gonna have an income monthly income raise, which would be perfect I always thought.
I always kind of absolutely did.
Yeah. They're like, oh, I see your current car in an accident, would.
You win it?
Yeah, exactly, it looks like you need to trade it in.
Yeah, there's no way they weren't doing that. I love it.
Mm hmm.
That's quite a combination. I liked that's like the KFC Taco bell but gone completely awry of like, you know, it would be good together selling cars and doing palm readings or just like disagree, disagree doesn't fit.
Yeah, and there, Yeah, there's so many things I used to make fun of.
There.
There was also a do you remember Dreamers, Maggie.
I do remember drummer?
There was so that was not a There weren't dancing dancing girls there, right, you know, I.
Don't think I ever went in and I thought it was one thing, and it was wow.
I think it's a store.
But it said it literally was open late at night, and it said lingerie modeling.
Like you're gonna go? I don't. I there's no way. It wasn't like a legal sex worker place.
There had to have been a thing in the back.
Texas is amazing, Yeah, and then there'd be churches surrounding it.
It was. It's so funny how all that was. I don't know. I kind of miss that about Texas.
Do sex work.
Texas is open for business. Texas is about their money. Sell that ass.
If it's gonna make money.
We all want our cut.
Yes, strike the oil, bring your money, take it down to Dreamers buy some life.
I literally would see that sign though, and I'm like, so you bring lingerie in there to like maybe it's supposed to be a surprise, and you have it modeled first, Like I.
Didn't understand you're if you're the one that has launde it won't be a surprise.
If I my wife her size, do you have anyone here that could try this on?
She's about her size.
But it's gonna work. It's gonna work, Okay, box it up, box it up.
Thank you for modeling that for me.
What a great service.
Thanks.
I appreciate it.
Thank you.
You know, with a mannequin, you can't see someone like sash around and walk around the room. So that's just very helpful.
You know that happened. We were there's a bar in my hometown, literally across the street from Johnny Garlics. I'm not kidding at all. It's in the strip across the street and it's a The bar is called the Aquarium, and we were in there it's been there forever, and me and my sister and Adrian, my sister's friend Adrian or we were all in there for like happy hour
and I can't I was home for it. May have been a holiday, like I was home for Christmas or whatever, and we were like, hey, let's all go drink in
the afternoon tomorrow at the aquarium. So we're sitting in there and uh it like five o'clock struck and all of a sudden, all these young girls showed up who were wearing lingerie but like the sun was still kind of coming through the like bud light sign in the window, so it was like and this, like this bar is like you know, old burgundy carpet, Like it's not a nice place, you know, or it might be now, but this was in the nineties, and these girls suddenly start
like they become the cocktail waitresses, but they're wearing like negliges and stuff, and it was really odd and clearly it was for It's like it was like for a world where the things that only old men go to bars where we were the three of us were just sitting there like hey, what's up, like kids like, and they're like, do you want anything? And it's like I'm literally sitting at the bar like I don't need you to get me a drink. I'm closer than you are
to the tap, Like what is this? And it was they basically hired like it was like long, you're a modeling cocktail wing for the happy hour crack. It was so weird.
I've always thought Hooters was weird too, Like what a weird a setup for every employee to be mistreated. There's also there was a place in Austin that gave haircuts to men and it was topless, like topless women cutting hair. I'm not kidding. I'm not waiting anyone that knows me
from Austin. That was a thing, and I always used to think, like, what a dangerous thing for the actual hairstylist have Like I kept thinking of as scissors and nipples and I have said that I'm sorry, but we all elephant in the room.
What if the scissors cut off a nipple? That's all I ever thought about.
And these so you're standing there top It.
Was called sexy scissors.
I know it now. I'm not making this up. This goes bad.
It's like that bar with skunk asses. This, I'm not making this up. Sexy Scissors was a place and it might still be.
It might still be.
I don't mean to offend anyone that works here cutting hair. And maybe they wear bikinis. I don't know as far as I.
Recall, it was totally topless, though.
It's just the idea of like, you know, when you're sitting in the barber's chair that you know, the seed or whatever, and they have to pump the chair up so you're higher and closer to them. Like how absolutely unsexy that would be if you were topless and then pumping that chair up like it's not it's not a super sexy job, right, this kind of stuff that people have to do as they're standing back there.
Yeah.
Also, I'll say this, if I'm topless, that's the whole job.
I'm not additionally working.
I'm not giving you a fade. I'm topless, I'm doing this. The most I'll do is a little dams and that's it. But now that I'm going to.
Be checking to make sure your ears.
Look good, you know what a weird ridiculous forest multitask.
Yeah, yes, it's enough that this.
Women's labor where it's never enough. It's never enough to just be topless, topless and run some errands for me, like fuck off.
Also, that's the only jobs that you see like the like the women's centric jobs, those are the only ones that actually double as like a top like a topless maid or a topless Uh you know that's the weather girl.
Wait do you there was? Wasn't there there maids in Austin?
This is like.
And they're here too.
I don't think it's in an official business. I think it's more of like an answer to a Craigslist ad. But people do it.
Yeah, but are we just there was a van that used to be parked in Bourbank that was topless maids. Yeah, and I remember the first time I saw it. I just had that like, well, I said, I always have to be this way. Yeah, it's yeah. Isn't it bad enough to be a maid if some dude is home? Like, isn't it sexy enough to have somebody just like doing your housework with that?
Right?
Yeah?
And it's funny that I'm The experience that's sticking out of my head right now is one time I was had a dentist and he was working on my teeth and it's uncomfortable, so I was gripping the hand rests on the chair, but he was leaning over and his balls were resting on the back of my hand like my knuckles, and he was working though he thought that he was just resting his balls on the chair, and
it was I was in the same position. I could not especially after a minute or so of my hand clearly being in there, I could not move it because it then it's me revealing to him that, like surprise, I've had my hand under there this whole time.
Hold on, I'm.
There's no way that was a mistake. There's no First of all, do you and you can tell us do you need to rest your balls during the day.
No, it wasn't like, go oh man, these old balls are tired, just out of necessity to reach the back of my mount you know.
He his he didn't have tired, weary balls, but it just.
Happened to that's where they rested. And he to him it was like, no big deal, it's part of the chair.
But no, I.
Knew it was my hand, and that he knew it was your hand too, is what I'm saying. He knew I don't need it.
You think he was an older guy.
It's pretty straight up dentist guy. My experience with him through you know, he'd been my dentist for many years. Okay, I don't think that it was a situation like that, and this wasn't in Texas where it's probably a themed dentistry.
I don't trust dentists though like that.
Yeah, yeah, because there's always.
Some story that comes out about like, oh, I got anesthesia for you know, a filling, and then I woke up and it was filled with some other shits.
Yeah, yep.
I always just or I just think of you know, Steve Martin from a little shop of Horse and you know, he's high on laughing gas, probably doing god knows what, and we're all just laughing and it's a musical.
My friend Alicia one time got laughing gas at the dentist and her dentists like was young and cute, and she said she started like she felt super high. She didn't feel any pain. Then she started stroking his arm as he was working. That's She's like, now I can't go back to that dentist.
That's so funny because she was what is laughing gas? I thought it was a made up thing.
Do you actually laugh nitrous oxide? No, it just makes you not be in pain while they drill on you. I've never I've actually never had dennists.
It's probably used to so much.
Yeah, maybe that's why my dentist didn't say anything when I was consciously backhanding his tired, tired. I'm sorry, I keep saying balls. You know, I'm like a boy and so I think it's funny keep bringing.
Up balls, the idea of resting your balls, like you have to take time out during the day. Maybe he missed his lunch.
Yes, it's like a two pm ball siesta.
Doesn't imagine.
I'm like, whoa, it's five o'clock.
Filled so many cavities. My balls are exhausted. It's ridiculous this job. He has to wear a jockstrap most of the time, but not that day, not not with Chris's help.
See you, people don't talk about how weary your balls get when you're dentist.
Ingee, you're both sweet because you're just backing me up.
Now you're like, hey, you you're not the only one that can riff about balls.
Thank you, Thank you both.
I know that we support you.
Thank you.
Like a job we all can't thank you. That'd be interesting if it was like a bottomless dentist, you know, if they switched it up a little bit. It wasn't just the ladies in their work. But it's like, hey, if you. Hey, ladies, if you want a little Chippendale's action and get you know, a root canal, go to this bottomless dentist. Bottomless. They all look like porky pick just at the top and no bottom.
It's just getting your teeth cleaned by someone who's dick is al.
Yeah, yeah, no, matter'll be talking about flopping.
You could be next to a penis.
You could be the most attractive man ever and that's never a good look. Like you could be yeah, just shirt on and then nothing, because it just makes you think of little kids going to the bat, you know, pulling their pants all the way down.
It's not a good look.
No, No, it doesn't work the other way, did you guys see pam and Tommy.
No, I've been not supporting it.
You're intentionally not supporting I don't, are you anti?
Yeah?
Just because uh well I what I was reading is that they talked about a lot of stuff that didn't have her approval, Pamela Anderson's approval, and so it was like, I don't know, they're just she's just going through the same trump. I don't What I read is that it was traumatic for her, much like the whole sex tape thing something else. See, Well, I think everyone thought, oh together they released this sex tape, but I don't think she had any say in that, and then apparently wasn't
consulted during the thing. But then I keep hearing it's great, so yeah, I'm going to watch it eventually.
Well, the only thing I was going to say about it is just there was a real turn about his fair play moment because there is so much full frontal male nudity, to the point where Jason Manzukis does the voice of Tommy Lee's dick what and he's fighting with his own dick because he wants to marry her and the dick's like, don't do it. We were rock stars,
can we can fuck anyone we want? And I was just watching the scene where he's art and I was just like, God, this is really this is really advanced compared to like most of the entertainment advanced.
You were like, do you actually see it talking not like not like a little puppet on there.
No, but it's kind of like sticking out that. It's just it's intense male nudity, Unlike usually if there's male nudity, it's like Vigo Mortensen in Uh that Russian movie where he's like, you know, having a knife fight in the steam bath or whatever. You were like, it saw little something here and a little something there.
It's a literally something forever.
Yes, but this was like a bunch of something for everyone.
Sounds great.
Yeah, I'm glad that it was gratuitous and I'm glad that it was not artistic. I'm glad that it was just out Yeah, you know, like like eighties horror films did for titties.
Yeah, I'm glad that they're doing that back for them.
So yeah, equality in twenty twenty two. Finally, finally we've made it.
We see digs on Hulu. We are equal here.
This is it. That's all we need. Everyone can rest and relax now, thank god. What else, Maggie, anything else you want to talk about this's been going on? Anything exciting? Anything you need to report?
Yeah, let's see. What do I need to report? Let's see. I've been spending a lot of time in Orange County.
It's uh yeah, yeah, I'm curious. I've spent some time there. I have opinions about it. What are you doing.
Seeing what they're doing?
I'm seeing a guy who lives in Orange County so I'll go hang out with him there and then he'll come over and hang out.
Yeah, get me over here.
But it's a that's what brought me down there years ago as a relationship that I so, I was spending a lot of time in Newport Beach and it was I do.
You like I kind of liked it.
It feels like you're you know, you're in actual surfing, uh, you know, southern California like in the movies.
It seems so far away before I started going back and forth a lot, but like it.
It's like a nice little suburb that kind of looks down on La Yeah.
Yeah, and I like that.
I think it's kind of cute, and there's mountains and stuff and you go hiking. They got they got a whole bunch of Dazo's and I love that store so.
And not a single mask, you know. That's nice.
It's like it's like you're on another planet.
Or a few months ago I went down there.
I'm like, oh my god, I'm thirty minutes south of where I live and it's like it's twenty seventeen.
I was surprised. I'm like, y'all have things to live.
For, Like, yeah, they put them on like, yeah, you're not wearing health insurance.
And you pay, like yeah, you make payments on that beautiful car and you're not willing to wear a mask.
A lot of winnebagos that uh maybe will go on sale, Yeah.
Are able to find them at the at the Palm reader used wouldn't been a lot coming soon to you.
I swear that was real.
That's kind of like that is a long distance relationshipship technically because of how long a freeway drive like that is to Orange County.
I mean it can be anywhere from like thirty five minutes to like two hours if you go at the wrong time.
Yeah, so well, good for you doing that work.
Yeah, we're putting in the relationship work your relationship.
I'm putting in the leg work in this way, the way.
You're walking there, Just kidding, no dometer.
There's a really nice path that takes you from from silver Lake all the way down.
Look, I want this relationship to be strong, and I want my legs to be stronger.
So walk into those see every other.
Week, everybody wins stand up. Yeah you got any plugs?
Oh yeah, yeah, I've got some shows coming up. Let's see. I always forget like what I'm doing.
People are like, aren't you doing some other Let's see uh doing Howard Kramer's show tomorrow?
Oh yeah, yeah, yes.
I like that show a lot.
It's fun and if it's too cold, you can do your set in your car and nobody really like hassles you about it.
I get really nervous to do that show because there have been nights where we're in a dimly lit park and there's like some kids that go there to hang out and not be around their parents or whatever, and they're like, you're playing with switchblades or something, and I'm like.
Are we really doing stamp? I mean, anyone can?
It keeps you on your toes in a way that and forget about being a comic that's picky about a low ceiling or something like me. It's like you're just outside in public. Yeah yeah, car, no microphone? I think there's there is no I think maybe now.
I think there's one now, but there wasn't before. Oddly, and my car died there?
Who died?
Right?
My car?
Oh god, your car? I thought I thought you my girl? Oh no, a friend.
The rest of this story is gonna be very underwhelming after that. But my car died and there was a dude doing exactly that, like playing with a switchblade across the street in front of my car. And I'm just standing there calling Triple A and They're like, are you in a safe area?
And I was like, wait, you had a switchblade guy too, Maybe it's just a fan.
He was like it was terrifying, like he was just like pulling stuff off of himself. I just I did not know what was going on.
I was just like, look, I'm I'm I'm a I'm a small, wide eyed girl from Texas, and I do not feel safe. And then Paul Danky showed up and was like, oh, well, I'll hang out with you and see if I can jump your car and he couldn't get to his engine, and then like he stayed with me until Triple A got Cole has.
He's a protector, he's got the he's got the good instincts.
He's got dad energy.
Yeah, he's got dad energy.
Yeah he's safe because he's a dad.
Yeah. I think you're right. Here's Paul Day.
Really, So Howard Kramer's walking show is what's do we have a name for that show? In a location if people want to call the comedy crawl. Comedy crawl, that's right.
Yeah, I thought it was called squat milk, squad.
Milt, I think it or chaplain.
I think this chaplain stage.
You're right. I think you're right. He calls it squat melt.
Originally, when Meltdown shut down, he started doing shows in the alley there that was the original novelty and it was it was kind of like an homage.
To all the all the years. That was such a.
Cool venue for everyone. But then he just started making it a mobile thing. But I think I even though I get nervous to do it, and a lot of times if I'm not feeling it, I just say no, I don't, I'm scared.
I get to worry. But after I do that show, I feel.
Like a stronger performer because it's like you've done. There's the added you have to like deal with the elements of not being amplified and knife play.
But I have that.
I have the same attitude that Maggie does about topless haircutting, where I'm like, comedy is hard enough when you have a nice loud mic and you're in a clock people are drunk. I please don't make me go stand on the street and shout like a you know, like I'm a a busker.
It depends on we're too hard. Yeah's too hard.
I think you'll make me busk to my own jokes and please go currently in process.
I looked.
I just looked it up, and you're right. It's the chaplain stage. And also it might be once this gets posted it might be too late. But the but the important part is that Maggie is going to do it, which means credit to Maggie for having done it.
Yes, yes, and I'll be there again eventually. Yeah, I'll come back through.
Yeah.
The beauty of that show is like even if I'm not on the show, and I want to be on the show, like, yeah, I could be on the show.
I'm the after show.
Like you know what I'm saying, Like, anyone, could you stand on the street and be on the show.
Yeah, get your own switch play and be like guess what it's my sat down?
Well you all ready for your headline, and people go it's kind of cool because like in the past, I've done it and he's like, now let's do somebody set over here, and the entire audience.
Walks with you.
It's like this weird perform group performance thing like a flash mob or something. It's just a lot of elements, but it's cool. But you're right, it's stand ups hard enough. When I have a booked spot at the impro, I can eat it there and wherever all the stars are aligned for me to not mess it up.
I can. I can. I can fuck up stand up anywhere.
I'm so good at it, so good at it, but I love doing.
I also have an indoor show coming up. Oh okay, so ever Maynard has a show on the sixth of April that's going to be indoors, and then Randy felt Face is also going to be indoors in April.
A Dynasty typewriter.
I think we'll just have is it? Do you have?
What's your website? People can go there or your Instagram your Maggie.
Oh, Maggie may ha may is spelled m A y e.
Nice because I'm extra. Are you doing are you doing ever Maynard show at the Allusion?
I think so said we do my show.
I was like, yeah, I didn't ask any you're going to even thought about it.
You're gonna love it. You're gonna love that venue. It's amazing.
It's yet I've never. It's so cool, it's exciting. It feels like when you first started stand up and you do one of these black box theaters. It's like it'll bring back old nostalgic comedy vibes.
You're nice, it's great nice.
So check out Maggie May's Instagram and Twitter and her website to see where she's doing stand up because she's very good at it.
She's one of the great and truly make me blush.
Well, you're the best, and thank you for being on our podcast today.
Y'all you've been listening to Do You Need a Ride? Dyn he This has been an exactly right production.
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