S3 - Ep. 10 - Ever Mainard

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Do your need you ride? Ride with Karen and Chris? Welcome to Do you need a ride? This is Chris Fairbanks.

And this is Karen Kilgariff.

Hello, Karen, my friend. I feel like I have not seen you in ages.

We haven't seen each other in several weeks. I have to tell you. I just I was at a hair appointment and then I went and got myself a sandwich, brought it home, and then tried to quickly eat a sandwich on a hard roll, which I do not recommend, like that level of chewing.

Now, a hard roll, I've heard that phrase. I don't know if I've had a hard roll and known it was a hard role.

It's essentially a baguette or it's just bread that has a serious crust on it, and that's not the kind of sandwich you're you want to like take big bites of and chew and swallow without actually chewing thirty times.

Right right, Otherwise you get a sophagle spasm. It stays in your chest. It hurts even though you can breathe. The pain is there and it's real, and it lasts for upwards of ten minutes. That's my experience.

There's a bite issue where you get a throat scrape from the bread because it isn't it's already hard, it's.

Got an unappealing there's no bread with a worse name than hard roll, and then that is what it is.

It is. It's a difficult role, literally a hard roll.

I know it's a little too late to have New Year's resolutions, but I am going I'm never going to have a hard roll.

Again for mikes because of my pain.

Because of the experience. Yet today yeah, okay, uh, I'm doing it for you.

Thank you. My news was and is truly I just tweeted this, but is a sincere realization. As I walked out of the deli where I bought the hard roll sandwich, I realized, take your time walking to the car. You don't have to walk fast like I always have this weird thing where I'm like to get the car, oh good, Like I have a weird narrator in my head that like is like pick up the pace. Don't have to do that.

Yeah. I sometimes when I'm yeah walking, I hear that Benny Hill song hackety Sacks, and it makes me walk too fast. And need I remind you of the time where I laughed right in their face. Someone had a bunch of ice and they were running. Both we've both told this story. But they dropped a bag of ice and then it turned into it like a water slide, and they slid on their belly on this bag of ice as it exploded. And I, of course, my first

I don't think that person could blame you for that reaction when they basically did physical comedy directly in front of you.

Their face, luckily, was right on the pavement and they couldn't see me. So lucky. Speaking of lucky perfect, I'm very good at segus. If you listen, you know that already. We're very lucky to have today's guest. It's true, and I believe that I should introduce today's guest because there was a time where I introduced them. I was doing warm up. They'll remember this. I admitted it in the moment,

Ever, are you going to actually do the introduction?

Yes, with that out of the way, you've seen You've seen them at clubs and colleges throughout the country. Put you put your hands together, forever Maynard, everybody, thank.

You so much for having me throughout the nation.

Do you do so many of these clubs?

Yeah?

Was that at the E Building?

It was at the building I was.

That was a terrible time.

It wasn't it for all of us life?

That was the least of my worries On the day.

I was let go without a reason. I believe I made a lighthearted comment about Melissa Rivers. I don't know what it was, but that's the house that Joan Rivers built, and I understood. No one told me if that's why, That's what I have in my head. But I was relieved that day when I was let go. But I I had known you from a couple of shows prior to that. There is no excuse though it was a new relationship.

Let me just get asked some questions that I'm positive the listener is wondering about. Was this were you guys doing warm up for the soup?

Was this?

Was it a pilot that we've never heard of?

It was actually sup adjacent because it was produced by Joel McHale and it was this.

The was that Michael Costa's show.

It was Michael Costa's show, which was He was so good at there. It was the only show where he had I think there was three cameras, but he had to refer to all these monitors that had set up graphics and he I don't know if he had ever at this point had a show like that, like a multi cam studio show with all these cues. There were so many monitors and it was called the comment section, so each he would go through the comments based on

Was psychoticy made my job.

He was really good.

What the fuck is wrong with you? It's just jealous?

And do you remember the day? Were you there the day when Joel McHale was the guest and he broke it to him in a very strange way that the show was going to be canceled.

I don't remember that, but I was.

I was a PA at that time, so I was there from eight am until eight am.

The next day.

They were like, you're a PA. You don't get to.

Believe well not, you were a PA until the day where you did your normal character. Never Maynard, Let's ask.

How much an experience taking over the warm up comic?

You know, I don't remember it, but I also do remember that it was still a point in time where my comedy you like, you know, we're all growing, we all evolved, but I think at that point still I had a you know, asymmetrical mullet and didn't It was just I can't imagine that it was good in front of a group of tourists, and I remember thinking, I'll impress these producers and this will be it.

And it wasn't it. It didn't happen.

They were like, I love the confidence.

Hey, you gotta take your shut Yeah.

Yeah, No one was ever really watching. I don't think they were just listening to whether or not the audience was being riled up. And I quickly learned you did that by throwing candy.

Yeah that's what they want.

Why am I doing my jokes? Give me a bucket of candy and give them treats like horses wanting sugar che It's.

Also five people in there, like everybody things is a large studio audiences by people, and you just.

You say tourists, but they were paid audience people that wanted to be actors, and a lot of them wanted to be comedians, so they could not give it up.

Some of them were drug addicts who just wanted their next fix. That's what that's my experience of paid audiences is these people are waiting to buy drugs with the money we're going to give them when they leave.

Oh wow, I bad if I paid more attention. I learned to not look at their faces.

Oh yeah, I didn't look up.

But you're right. That comedy you were ever, you were great when you did warm up. I remember you enjoying it. I remember saying that was terrific, and you were loose and had fun and that's all they want you so much. See, I know it's behind you and you don't care anymore.

Well, it feels good, but it feels good to be You're sorry. It feels.

I'm sorry. I messed up your name in the most.

Joel McHale doesn't even remember me. Now that's your fault.

Yeah, that was our chance. That was our chance with Jordan.

He was trying to find you on Facebook and he could have because he was like, never am never me. I'm getting the last name wrong.

Never No, Marred.

I do want to say, just since we were talking about Michael Cosa, he is the person that I think should be famous that isn't famous? And I know, I'm sure there's lots of comics like that that we all know that you watch them and go, you have all the pieces that we've seen other people take all the way to the top. Why isn't it you. I really like that guy. He's so smart.

He's on a daily show as a correspondent. Still I think, oh, that's true. So that's I mean, when it comes to like jobs you can have as a comedian that aren't writing job, I think he's nothing. He's doing.

Ok, he's working. But I guess he's as good as Joel Hale, it is my opinion.

And he's an ex tennis pro.

Oh that's right.

He interviewed this titled Michael Costa.

It's entitled the Michael Costa Never Manered Episode. How have you been? What's how's your new year?

I mean things are good? Things are you know? It's a new year?

New me?

Oh?

Quite literally? Well, okay, so here's some fun stuff in uh twenty three days. I'm having top surgery, which is exciting.

Wow, yeah, it is exciting. That's great.

Started last year with the partner, ended without so what's up? Yeah?

Great?

Yeah, you partied, partied in my house.

I had good friends over, we watched fireworks, they left out of respectable.

Time, and then at midnight consulted with the uh oh, what's the oh? The plant you hang? That's how are you ridiculous? Where you're supposed to kiss your mistletoe? Why can I not think of that? Because it's no one talks about it except eighty year olds.

I was going to get a mirror. There's all kinds of plants you can have in the house.

I mean, you can hang really anything as a garland or a garnish, but mistletoe is the one that h historically has put a lot of people in terrible situations at office parties. And I don't think you see it much anymore, and I think that's a good thing. My joke was going to be, if you're alone on New Year's you hang it above a mirror. But you saw my clunky. It was just didn't work out. So I'm going to.

You are never over this.

But all things, you know, all things considered great, New Year a good place in my life.

How are y'all that's great? Can I ask one question? Do you know how long your recovery period will be after you get that surgery.

It'll be like a week of hell in a binder.

Yeah, and then but I'm not there. There are several different like incisions, and then the surgeon I guess my breast. I'm so sorry. I just wanted to say breast. They're not large enough to have drains. So she's like, I'm gonna have you in and out within an hour and a half. I was like, okay, Like I'm cart. I was like great, she's done so many she's like desensitized. She was like, oh yeah, these in and out no drains. So I'll just be wrapped up in a lot of pain.

You can't lift your arm robot arms, Yeah, like you can.

I can only take them up to shoulder.

I can't lift heavy the the scar tissue and like I can get you can't upset the and I have to be careful with my nipples otherwise they might fall off. You should anyway, especially everyone should be careful with their nipples.

Please, so they reattached it because some sometimes people get the tattoos of nipples.

Yeah, but I'm not going to do that.

I said, now fix them the way like somebody was like, where are you gonna put them?

And I was like, where they decide? I don't know, I know.

On a slice of pizza.

Nip like I was talking to something like a front of a friend who had it, and they were like, well, I put my nipples off to the side, where are you going to put yours?

And I was like what does that mean?

And they're like like under the ear, like a little bit more mad, like a little bit over here, so it looks more mad, right, like.

It's a lift lift weights or like get pecks.

Yeah yeah, oh, in preparation for getting yoked.

Yeah, I guess. I guess so, And I didn't know that I think about so that.

I'm gonna be honest, I've done zero research because I'm too I'm too afraid of shit like this where I'm gonna be like I have I don't want to think about it. I don't want to go down like internet holes where there's like surgery's gone wrong or yes, and I don't want that. And I'll man, I'll get it. Weird in my head and then I'll wake up and it'll happen.

So right, you know, No, that's I think that's smart. I mean you are going in blind I think in and out an hour talking to people who have had the experience. At least you're having your eyes open to things. But you're it's not just willy nilly whatever you see on the internet. I think that's smart.

And there is a lot of like or I feel like, now the algorithm has figured out that I'm having top surgery, so it's feeding me a bunch of people that have had it. And I'm noticing that there's a lot of top surgery ad for silicone tape, a healing tape that you can buy for scars.

But then these.

People are You're being marketed and marketed.

It'd be like, my scars feel great.

And they're providing you with new Do you even know the people that are being thrown your direction?

Wow?

You you might be interested in befriending this first.

And I'm like, okay, all right, I'll try.

It becomes like a dating app.

Hey man, I thought, yeah, a lot of high fives.

You're like, I have to wait a month. You can't do it yet, don't try to kiss me.

What you say, Robot, there it is again? That damn damn Garland.

Well that's exciting, Judy Mistletoe.

Yeah, I'm excited. So I have actually been doing a lot of like chest exercises because when these come off, I do want to see pecks. I just want to be the ripped SpongeBob.

Just yeah, you have to like ye, yes, yes, it's like going to an orthodonist or something. They have to predict. You gotta let them know ahead of time how ripped you're gonna get, and then they'll.

Seemly ripped chest.

Yeah, just into the rock. You just keep showing them pictures of Dwayne Johnson.

I'm gonna get so ripped. These cards are going to become collar bounds.

Make it happen in and out within an hour and a half.

I want it fast, and I want to look like spongebole.

I want furious.

Okay, I want the.

Vin Diesel.

If you aren't angry the whole time you're working on me.

I want to read time.

Ever, I feel like I haven't seen you in truly, like ten years.

That's how I feel.

Yeah, if we've missed too, I've missed you too.

Yeah, I've missed too.

Vert.

I was like, yeah, yeah, well because melt I feel like Meltdown was such a very special place, and I think that was might have been one of the last times I saw you or Dynasty oh.

Wow, or uh you know there it was. I think we did a weird doubt that downtown.

Bookstore, the last bookstore.

Yes, didn't we do a show there?

Yes?

So I used to do a storytelling show there, which that was your show.

Yeah, it was a weird show.

I will give you that, because sometimes we would have an audience, and then sometimes we would just have a non audience and then tourists taking photos.

It's your there's like a book cave.

It's it's what's your problem that you're talking about? Oh?

I started I started this with Ann.

With an ex partner.

Woke to LA together and she and I started a storytelling show.

And I actually forgot about it until you said that.

That's all I just thought about.

That's how I forgot it. No, I forgot about this.

I have an amazing ability. If there's something you don't want to talk about, I'll probably bring it up. Bring it up.

No, honestly, it's nice to be I I did. I totally. I have forgotten for so long that I used to be engaged and.

That was great.

We're bringing it all back, like this is your life. Never Maynard, this is your life.

And I didn't very sorry.

I didn't mean weird show only in that it was in a bookstore.

It was like, yes, that's what I mean.

It was like and there were people on the show that were not comics. Am I right about that? You were like maybe somebody did a reading.

Yeah, it's real.

Sometimes, like you know, you never know who these people are going to be. When you're like, oh, like here's like a prose writer or like oh, you've written all these short stories that are so beautiful.

And then you meet them in real life and you're like, oh, this is this is not what I wanted. All right, you got a ten minutes, you know, you're just like ship.

So yeah, that that show folded. When they that show folded pretty quickly.

You filed Chapter thirteen bankruptcy. Yeah, you have to go through all the lot of Yeah.

Text Joe McHale came and told her in a weird way during the show.

He wasn't going to be engaged.

Took your relationship and in your show, you're not getting married.

I'll try to unsuccessfully find you online later to tell you.

Now, Oh, Michael found out this show wasn't being renewed.

It is, I remember, but that's me. It was such a weird choice.

Like on the show in front of the audience.

Yes, I show that he was producing. He thought, now's a good time to tell you this is one of your last episodes. I thought it was a very curious choice for such a tall, confident man. Yeah, that's enough about Michael Costa again.

Truly, we can't go back to he's a Capricorn, right, He is such a can He's a Capricorn.

You know, he's got that energy about him.

So are you have you been doing stand up yet? I did?

I feel like I didn't do it for a very long time.

I don't know how y'all felt about Zoom shows, but.

Just yeah made me more the same.

Yeah, Okay, we felt okay, yeah, yeah. And then I hadn't done it. And then I've never been to New York. So I was like, you know, think we were getting boosted. It was like we're in the clear. So I went to New York. I did the shows, I've never been to New York. I've never done shows in New York.

And I was like, Oh, it's exciting and fun.

This is nice.

Did you like the audiences and also do you feel like they were listening a little more and maybe slightly smarter? No offense to anyone, including myself that lives in Los Angeles.

That's how I felt. It felt.

I was like, oh, this is like big Chicago, because I started standing up in Chicago where audiences went to shows because they love comedy and entertainment the same here.

And I was like, Oh, that's interesting, that's nice. That's a nice feeling.

Again.

Yeah, it is a nice feeling. But then it's like, should was I supposed to move here? Yes? And the answer is no. You know, I got to be at the beach. I'm such a surfhead, you.

Know, I'm there once a month, every four months.

I'm there once a.

Month, just every like every half year. And they're once a month to dip my toes in and turn around and leave and drive two hours.

There's a needle.

I'm not staying here so many needles.

Ever, How long did you stay in New York City?

A month?

Oh?

Wow, that's yeah, that's it was a.

Nice chunk of time. It was so great.

And then the bars they would like ask for your VAX card and everybody was yeah, and I was like, oh this, oh you okay, this is nice. And people were their masks on public transportation, and then you came here and it was.

Just like in and out and our tops, you know, just like breathing on our faces.

It was I will say, I did go to Texas for the holidays and forget safe.

It feels like.

Twenty nineteen and I'm I'm in Montana right now.

Okay, Yeah, how's that?

It's probably very similar you're from where you're from in Texas.

It's like, oh little River I'm from, like roll.

Texas, but it has a hyphen, they told us. And then we'll look at it now.

A little river Dash Academy. I'm gonna can I send.

Y'all over a cat Dash academy. That's what threw me out. What what is this academy?

Yeah, it's not one for learning.

I'm gonna send I don't know if y'all do video notes or like cliff notes and the descriptions or like links. So one of the New Year's Eve activities was on just being on YouTube. My friend's husband was like, what do you like to watch on YouTube? And I was like, I don't.

But we ended up looking up my hometown and there's a woman on her phone.

She's recording like this not even like that, like the right way, and it's just like, we're here, we got a spaining ticket, look at this shitty little rundowntown and she's like shit talking of the town.

But she also is like, it's like, hon.

You live in the.

Town over, like you know.

But it's the funniest video and it gives you a sense of where I grew up so perfectly I have I'll send it to y'all.

Yes, but I want to see that.

There's a drag strip where they race different types of cars, and the big event over the summer is when they have race cars that have actual jet engines on top of them.

Yes, but it's homemade.

I don't know how the fuck they've made this.

Yeah, nothing, nothing could go wrong, but.

They're just just there.

That's signing up for an explosion.

How is that not?

It's always so loud, it's so and it goes until two am because there's no cops, Like, there's no it's just like a party at the drag strip every summer when they when the jet it's like a big deal, like the jet cars are coming into town.

Like I bet the cops are competing in those races. Wouldn't you think, Yeah.

There's no cops. I'm not kidding, there are no cops. He grew up, no cops.

The fire department volunteer all went to jail because they swindled a bunch of money.

Because they were betting on the jet car races.

Yeah, oh ship.

My dad when he was young, it was totally normal teenage activity to race for pinks. I guess pinks the titles for your Yeah yeah, with the title for pinks.

I'm sorry, it was a simpler time.

Is this your new yoke's personality that your talking immediately.

That that was a very very side nipple statement. I'm gonna race you for pink and you gotta wink at the end.

Stop it. Put your down.

I can't, I can't to you, Oh man, I want to. There was a I went in La This neighbor of mine in Echo Park. He's in his sixties and he does something called uh skid plate racing. So it's like drifting, but it's because they actually put a metal plate under the back wheels, and so you're just watching these cars go in an oval and uh sparks are flying and

Yeah, it was like Pomona.

I think it was Pomona Speedway. Yeah, yeah, And it was like going to a different it. I've never felt less like I was in Los Angeles and it was. I loved it so much that I'm like, I'm coming to that.

It would be so cathartic to watch cars intentionally crash into each other. It would be great.

And there were cops in it. They did this thing. There was a crash up derby thing where they were playing soccer with these cars, and the soccer ball was a giant sphere made of propane tanks welded together, but geometrically it looked like a soccer ball. Like every other tank was painted black. And they'd smash into it and dent the hell out of these cars and they would catch on fire, and the official saying whether or not that was a goal. The rules were very loose, but

I mean, we all I got to get there.

You get yourself to Pomona.

Listeners, book a ticket right now.

Filled the Pomona Speedway.

We got to get out there.

And I'm not kidding. I can get us all free tickets through my friend.

Don't don't make promises you can't keep, because.

I'm going to How many do you want? We'll do it right now, I'll call him.

I want to pay full price.

I want to supports, you.

Know what, unless it's really expensive.

Yeah, and that was it isn't it's surprisingly I wanted to give them more. Okay, if you buy a hot dog or something and we will, Uh that that's pretty pricey. But the tickets could have cost more.

Uh.

But yeah, I like this.

As let's earmark this as a kind of post surge. Yes, And when I say surge, I mean Omicron and your surgery, just like post all of that ship post it when everyone is like kind of we're clear and we're not so worried and whatever, and we're gonna go and a demolition derby.

How great?

Oh my gosh, off shirt like real trash.

We'll all wear without sleeves. Yes, yeah, I'm gonna I'm gonna wear a hat that somehow references farting and I'm gonna one up this. Why not just be in it? If you have a good enough car, they let you be in some of these events. What if we recorded in the car while doing Derby.

My god, I'll wreck my prius. I got nothing.

Let's do this thing, or we could we could just record in the audience. It'll be like this podcast reunion there, and then it'll be so loud that no one will be able to hear what were our hilarious jokes, because it'll just be demolition derby sounds.

Yeah, none of these cars had windows. Yeah, they were not. They were not sound proof vehicles.

The only words they hear is just Michael Costa every now and then between the.

Yeah, so what brings up America's sweetheart?

I think he's really funny.

Oh god, I can't believe I brought up the test.

I really enjoyed throughout this pandemic, this idea of making plans. I've started to realize how much I never do. I never try to. Like one of the main reasons I can remember so well doing your show ever at the Last Bookstore, is because I was like, oh, I'm out doing a thing in like a real place. That's the place itself is kind of like an event, and so in Quarantine, I was always like, I need to do things like that more that are event like feelings. But I just don't know how to put in the effort

So when everybody went to the poppies, yeah, poppy, I'd love to do that again.

Yeah are you guys? Are you saying the poppies?

Yeah? Those big field flowers?

Sure, and they were.

It was a big Instagram thing.

It was a moment I did.

I don't know about this.

And they were just gorgeous, big, huge, the wildflower bloom in. Was it the kind of desert area? Yeah?

And then past the prison. You did have to drive past the prison and it was reality check.

So it's kind of like going to a demolition derby for a minute.

Emotion on them and you're like gratitude.

Yeah, it's like, look at this is beautiful right here in our by the way, your hair looks phenomenal.

Mine, thank you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, looks. I said the same thing it was before the recording.

Thank you. And Chris, should we take a look at your hair? Because Chris has had some crazy I.

Mean it's actually pretty tame. It's just well, you know, it's kind of backs media. Yeah, just kind of a laboratory scientist type guy. I like it.

Also, are those your paintings back there? Who's painting at your house?

Good?

I good?

Oh?

My dad paints beautiful. My dad paints now. And he's a painter. Taught me to do the same.

He's a painter in and out with intern out or come here, girl.

You don't spend a lot of time. I'm on him one afternoon and done as you're a thought joke.

No, please, My zoom timing is so off. After our long Christmas break, I used to I got good at the zoom timing, and I'm bad again. I'm bad again.

It's not you, it's zoom.

Oh is it me?

Never?

It's our guest today? Never? Never, So sorry. I hate I hate repeating it because I don't know if people did that to you when you were a kid. No, no, okay, good, I invented this hurtful thing. Yeah, still got it.

I'm gonna let you. You got to take that off your shoulders, Bud.

I know they were they were they were drifting in and the nether Yeah had just landed on my shoulders.

This afternoon, Chris brought me one of his dad's paintings as a gift, and it is. I love it so much. It's a it's a painting this kind of like wide shot scene of Pike's Place in Seattle.

Yes, these are the two behind us are also pikes Place locations? Really? Well no, no they are not. I've now taken a better look. They are both here in Missoula, Montana. But they are, you know, like a farmer's market situation.

What is one of barn.

That's the famous Milwaukee train station, go get it. The trains used to go in there and rotate on a big thing and turn around and go to the next town, like but maybe to bring some mining supplies.

Pink slips over from the town.

Yeah, a lot of cars, you know, pinks bring them to the new owners who won them in a drunken race the evening before. It was nineteen fifty five and people were simple. Anyway, that's a painting of that. Okay, there's my artless you know, I do have a degree in art history and it doesn't come up much. So there was just a take.

Really, who's Lee Krasner and then I hold a gun up.

I got it. Cocks a lot. That gum.

Gangster has always turned the gun to the side, uh, back of the hand up. You never see anybody go up?

Yeah, my volleyball style. Yeah, where's the wrist up? Guys?

Yeah, like a spider man, but with guys. Where are you sligh?

Literally?

Come on boys, come on shoot?

Did you ask me about a painter named Ratner? Is that you leek Rasner?

You just like.

Every time I say that name, sickening, freaking I don't remember, probably memorizing people.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm so sorry. I'm turning into a bro and the worst way.

It's good.

The energy is good.

I like it aggressive. It's fun for podcasts be meaner to me.

Yeah, I'm gonna be so mean in public.

I can't need to be mean at a target.

A lot of like punching your own's ass.

I can do it.

I'm gay.

People are like, oh you can't you were it's you're in the children's section.

Please, that's a child mannequin.

They need to learning the man again as bad if it's the kids.

No kids, I just said she was on firehouse.

Yeah, they're perfect.

Okay, there we go get things. Things got weird for a second. I didn't think it could get weirder, and then it get Nah.

We backed right out of it. Everything is repaired.

On this show. It can always get weirder.

Okay, great, buckle up.

Yeah, I thought those are two of my favorite sayings from a comedian. Oh it's gonna get weirder. Buckle up.

Comedy clubs and colleges throughout the nation.

I was like, really, I would love to at this point any money.

Oh my god. Uh. There's a comic Jen Murphy that uh, two days ago, gone on a cruise ship to work for ten days and tested positive and they I think she was vaccinated and boose did so she just had sniffles, but they she's positive, so they put her in the basement. Imagine this for ten days, the basement room of a cruise ship.

They keep in her own room.

They won't even let her have a key. She can't come and go. They bring food and knock on the door and she eats it and then slides the tray out. She's not allowed to leave the room. That's how serious quarantine is on a cruise ship. Can you imagine a bigger nightmare.

That doesn't That seems illegal. I'm lassing out of shock.

That's not a solution. The solution is to stop having cruises, yeah, but not to not to put people down into the galley decks or whatever, like the danger area of.

The Jolly deck. Sheddly isn't a bad mood down in the Jolly deck, but gllie decks. Oh, I'm sorry, Galli, that is what it is. I apologize. I'm going to call it the Jolly deck from now on. Maybe they'll park the boat and say, Okay, we shouldn't do this anymore. But in the meantime, ten days in a windowless boat basement.

Yeah, that's rough.

Is she still getting paid?

I hope so.

I didn't. It was just an Instagram post, but wow I did comment, oh my god, that's terrible, just to make her feel a little better, was it?

Oh my god? And then five dots like a.

Really yeah, I double ellipses of six and uh, that's terrible.

To clarify she's getting paid. If you wouldn't mind, I could do it right now.

Pro back on there and go quick Q and then list out a bunch of questions. Do they push the shrimp under the door? Is there a plate had the flat foods, only.

She had video of them knocking and she opened the door and grabbed the food. It didn't look good, finished it, and then it showed her kicking get out with her foot back into the hallway, not allowed a key, doesn't have a key to her room.

That's insane. Also, you don't want to be down there in my opinion, I could be wrong about this actually obviously, but do you want to be down there in like a windowless room when the boat starts a rocking, like if they hit turbulent waters or whatever? It sounds to her?

Fine?

Right? I mean horrible.

It feels like there's a really good lawsuit on her hands where she could make a lot of money. I mean, I'm just thinking like it seems like emotional torture and also unlawful imprisonment. Yes, I'm not a lawyer, but.

But I am a boat lawyer, and so.

I'm a maritime lawyer. Thank god, it finally it's finally coming into place.

It's finally relevant in my stand up comedy career.

You're right, I because she's working. She didn't choose to go on a cruise for fun. I said, the brand of boat.

Yeah, baby, we're gonna have to bleep that out.

Yeah, probably.

We don't want that heat.

No, we don't want that looming over us.

What do you come on?

There's no telling how far they'll go if they're willing to put people in their boat basement?

Do you mean and stop it?

I grew up?

I mean what am I saying? My parents met on a cruise. My dad was a person, my mom was a nurse on princess cruises, so on from my mom's is that a affiliate?

No ole?

Bleep?

Please, even all of this must be bleep.

So they met a princess cruises.

They met on princess cruises. No one was being detained against their will as far as we know. So my mom's sixtieth birthday, we went and took as the family took a cruise to Alaska, and it was after day two I was like, how does anyone do this? There are people that used to take like month to three month long cruises, Like how is this possible? But the thing my sister and I started doing was they were playing bingo in one of the like theater rooms constantly,

Did you get the professional talk?

Yes, yeah, yeah, And it was just like it was that kind of suddenly things that normally you maybe wouldn't be that interested and became the most fun game of all time because you were stuck on a boat.

And Texas there are bingo halls. Yeah, competitive bingo halls, and they played like hey on the floor, runny like cards.

Yeah. Wow, that sounds fun to me. I love a good bingo night if you want to, if you want to hear me, be honest, I love.

A good bingo night too.

Pink slip in an hour and an hour, Yeah, what if I'm out with my fear like I've never been under anesthesia.

By the way, that's the most expensive part of this whole operation. It's really it's not the surgeon, it's the anesthesiologist.

Is the really, Yes, why they are they putting it in your spine style?

But me, daddy, daddy, it's like a kind of man, excuse me.

I'm paying you for it. Yeah, the consensual knock me out, I don't.

I think it's the the person and maybe the drugs, but that is.

It's a weird.

It's a weird, honestly, The process for me has been very enlightening and very eye opening. I forgot we were talking about bingo, and then it.

Got you're gonna say, what if you go under an athesia and.

And then I wake up a bro and I'm just like Gomere Street Tits and I'm just under drugs?

What if that reveals my actual truth?

Yes, which is the satire of a person I'm doing is the real me?

You just become a drunk Mel Gibson on the.

Like we're at the demolition derby, like ship, why did we invite ever?

And I'm just like bear me and I've got the helmet with the straw kiss me. But a dollar's like button poo poop.

Please be careful. I hope that inst all just knows what they're doing.

I want that to be I want that to be the most expensive part. Whatever keeps you from waking up. That's everyone's fears that you're going to wake up during a surgery. Yeah, make that be the most expensive part, the part that makes you not wake up.

This person rolls up like in a Porsche, ands like Oakley's and takes it off and they're like, yep, I gotta do about five minutes of work and then I read a book.

You know, like yes.

Oh. When I got my hip replaced, the anestesiologists came in. That was the only one on one talk I had before surgery. And he was totally like a Tom Cruise guy. He wasn't wearing sunglasses. But they make risky business.

They make so much, they.

Make so much. Yeah, he was, he was cool.

I had surgery once and they said it was like they put the thing over my mouth. And then the guy said, did you say you were going on vacation in Hawaii? And I went, yes, news what island? And that was the last thing. Then I woke up in the hallway three hours later.

So you don't I remember anything inside the brain at all, not at all.

Whoa not at all. It was truly like going to sleep and waking up and it was all over and eyes, nothing, nothing, doing the whole.

I remember in that exact moment when I got my I got my tonsils taken out as an adult because they were causing arthritis. I was so sick. And the guy he looked like house, which was a good sign.

That's a very good feeling.

He's a loose cannon, but he figures out every bacterial disease. But he was looking He's like, comedy, what's that like? He was looking at my face as he was putting the novacano into and he hit a nerve in my arm, which was the worst pain ever. And it's because he was looking at me asking about comedy. He wasn't looking at my arm. And I'll never forget the pain. And then falling asleep as I was feeling the worst pain ever.

It's fine now sounds but I got a lawsuit on your hand. Hire me maritime lawyer on the side.

I totally probably he was not looking at my arm. He vividly was looking at in my eyes. Wally put a needle in my arm. I'll never forget it.

The way Chris has his backward baseball hat on, he didn't put it back on normally, and all he looks like he's a member of the French Resistance, doesn't. I was just like, what is this?

Look?

Why am I confused? During the story.

Yes, it does have a bit of a beret. Look, I mean I shouldn't have a backwards hat on anyway, keep it on.

Looks good.

Yeah, bro style.

Mannequin asked where do you find all these mannequins?

Ever starts bringing a mannequin a round with them everywhere they go.

Everyone is like, you need help.

It's super weird. You weren't like this before.

What is this?

Anesthesiologies did it?

It's like, doesn't it hurt your throat to talk like that?

Yeah?

That's Permitt's all surgery.

When do you get this done again?

January twenty eighth.

Oh that's so sick.

Yeah, it's very soon.

There's so many I mean, I'm glad that there are so many COVID tests involved, but it's like test before I fly out, test when I land, test two days before the operation, and I'm just.

Like, oh my god.

Yeah.

But it was I feel very like lucky about it because I took a moment and was like, oh, I actually do want this, and the surgeon that I wanted was it's partly covered by insurance, but not one hundred percent. And I can't imagine what it would be with oh whatever insurance because I'm already having to pay like twenty five k up front, like which is insane. Like the hospital's like prepare twenty five and I.

Was like oh wow, wow.

Okay, and then that doesn't cover the surgeon.

So anyways, for the surgeon, she accepts this insurance and this I'll say like crane Crane.

Uh I think they're like Crane connects.

Anyways, shout out to doctor Crane.

There's a year and a.

Half waitless just to get a consultation.

So you get a consultation and then you have to cement all this paperwork and then it's three to six months after that that they give you a date. And I was like, why might not have insurance? And like you know, like I work in like post I took a post production job. I'm like, this is gonna wrap up. I need this sooner. And they're like, well, just keep calling like once a month. So we did, and they're like, we got a cancelation. Can you do a zoom consultation?

Showed a woman my tits.

I said, I'm sure over zoom on zoom consensual.

And she was like awesome, sin us your insurance And like I had to get a letter from a therapist and they're like, great, we'll see you in sixty days.

So I do feel very lucky, Like this could have been a to.

Year weight, right, So you're going to someone that's like the best in the.

Biz, one of the best in the biz.

Definitely the fastest in the biz.

Yeah, she's It's very like. The center is like they have a center in San Francisco and then one in Austin.

It's a good gender I don't what do they call it gender confirmation. I don't know.

I don't even I don't know all this and the terminology, but like they have this great network and everybody that I've spoken to is like really.

Like excited and kind and knowledgeable.

And then the surgeon is doing my operation is doctor da Leon And I looked at her work and I said, wow, this is a nice chist, Like she's got some nice chest resumes. A resume I don't know's a like. So I'm like, yeah, okay, but it is jarring when you're not you have to take a photo of like your front and your your front, your chest and then your back.

And yeah, I have a smattering of tattoos.

Art history I've got an mc escher drawing. Then I've got Vincent van Go's Starry Night on my lower back sky only no houses?

Sure? Sure? Or that gnarl tree you want it? That pointy ass stump.

Here's the thing. See this piece of paper. I printed it out at my school library. I didn't know how to do fit to page yet, so.

It's just a.

Bottom right tangle of a piece of paper. It must be like, I don't know, like four by like maybe six, and like I was like, no building, and I cut it.

I cut it off.

I was like, I don't want anything.

I don't want the whole banding, just the sky. I'm like, I was like, are you sure? I was like, I'm nineteen.

You should be telling me no. So someone has to be adult here.

So I have all these gross tattoos on my bad one is like a, I have several Christian tattoos.

I'm not a Christian.

Got a longer Christian and one of them.

I thought, oh, well, my friend Jessica and I have matching tattoos. I talked to her over the pandemic. She got it removed a year after we got it my year year.

I was like, and she's been pretending to be your friend this.

Whole time, pretending to be a Christian.

She's pretty.

You should absolutely be required to alert anyone you get matching tattoos with if you get yours.

Removed, it's fair, it's back here.

And I always forget it until, like I see a photo and I had to like upload all these like bax cards, insurance cards, photos of my ID, and the thing got jumbled. So when I opened up the app, it was like, is this is this the back of your insurance card?

And it was my back and I was like, no, no, there's a man. I'm not kidding.

You have Incent Van go, well, what do you have?

A tin man?

Tin man?

Not it's say courage, sorry heart heart, have a heart? Yeah, I don't what's it saying?

Oh, doesn't say anything. It's just a little tin man.

I also didn't I actually tattoo. I haven't even seen.

Man's my favorite.

But also I didn't think about, like I don't know how the curves of my body a curvy back.

Lot.

Some of them when my weight fluctuate, some of.

Them just get a little lost, you know. So it's like a half a star like depend it's also like a disclaimer, doing a new lover.

At least be like kind of impulsive, kind of impetuous.

Sometimes you don't see it at the night, and then if someone's there in the morning, you gotta say.

You're gonna see something a little shocking.

I've lived, I've lived my life. You get to say to them and then around the block at time, or get my scars. I have done clubs and colleges all over this country.

That whole he's just born in front of Joel McHale.

In Old English. That sentence on your upper back.

I used to have tits.

Right across this bread.

Hey, tits used to be here.

And then two arrows Yes, perfect, yes, wanted.

Baby.

As what.

You're trying surgery to. It's like you're getting surgery to be problematic. That's really what you're if.

If the surgery makes you keep doing this character, I'm all for it. Please inquire within so fun such a fun care?

Could you imagine if I got top surgery and then I was stuck in the bottom of a boffers.

To recover the irony?

Imagine there's nothing fun about that.

Well, don't be nervous, it's gonna go great. You have one of the best in the business working on you and a cocky, cool anesthesiologist. Just don't watch any version of any surgery online.

No, no, I'm not gonna let anybody know that I'm a comic because I know exactly what that guy was.

I want to do comedy. That guy's doing comedy at Flappers right now.

You know that's why I have nerve damage, just because he wanted to do an open mind Flappers.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's at Flaps right now, flapping around.

He's at the ice house, the.

Ice house, hurting up people's nerves in other ways with his words and his ideas.

This is my my this is my defense as your lawyer. He can't feel in his thumb because so body I wanted to perform at the Passagena ice House. He needed twenty people to do five minutes. Anyways, he's an out of town comic.

I rest my case.

May I approach the venture honor? You could actually, instead of letting anyone know you do comedy, you go right in there with your fill in maritime lawyer, right on that employee list. No one will have one question and no one will have no one will have any interest.

This won't be botched. At all, I'm a lawyer.

They'll be scared.

That's you know what I'm going to ask you guys to please email me the day of so I don't forget it. January twenty eight or maybe the twenty seventh. So because my operation is at seven thirty in the morning, email please email me to say I'm a lawyer. I want that to be the last words.

I'm going to email you say you're a lawyer.

But yeah, before I go, might.

Not register if I'm email you to say I'm a lawyer.

I'm a lawyer.

Talking about so it's like I'm a lawyer.

I just just want them to be like, oh no, it'll come up right before that need just.

With the frosted tips is like huh, before he can ask another question.

You're mist man.

Lawyer from Oz.

Vincent Van Lawyer.

No buildings, no buildings. Also, the level of pressure that was on that tattoo artist to recreate Vincent Van Go painting, it's just like strokes.

I want to revisit them seeing your tattoo and as you go to sleep, as you go under Vincent Van Lawyer over here, it's the funniest thing I've ever heard. And then the other, the surgeon. They all high five, but they just washed their hands them again.

Sorry to ask this question because this is such a this is such a murner. But have you ever talked about any of that stuff on stage, like any of that stuff of not realizing that you had to send pictures of your naked back with chattoos no before you. I mean, you have a thirty minute chunk. You have a thirty minute chunk right now.

You know, luckily we recorded all that say anything. I hope you knew that. I hope we have your permission. We've been recording.

According Yeah, demolition, we were just chating.

I'm slapping.

Asked here, this isn't for fun, this is a wellness check.

We just want you to get it off off my chest, off your chest. I did pause.

I still ask them about that. I'm going to ask the front desk. There's like there's so many there's like thirteen different emails on from this center. There's like an insurance email, and then there's like a new patient. Oh, I'll ask the new patient because I'll make eye contact with them.

Yay.

What do you think about my backpick?

See that backpick?

So pretty cool?

Right?

You like Pennsylvanca.

Well it's gonna the surgery is gonna go perfectly and congratulations, yes, oh, thank you so much. Decision. Yeah, that's that's exciting.

Yep twenty twenty two.

Knew you.

Rhymes minus two twenty.

Two it's a new YUK. Congratulations to rhymes, Vincent van Lawyer.

To you the lawyer.

And it's like me on the side of like one O one you know this billboards.

Yeah, you're a lawyer, and then it's just your back.

Like all the lawyers on the billboards are sort of like back to back.

But it's like picture so it looks like what is like is this before and after? Nope, lawyers doesn't any sense. Ship Yeah ship, you're hilarious. Thank you all.

Y'all are fun.

This has been fun.

If you ever get the chance to see every dude stand up, uh, they're very good. I think that you're hilarious. You're loose, you're funny, you can be ridiculous.

This is the part where you'll tell me that I did not get the gig, Yes.

Said, I'm sorry. We have someone else booked on this week's.

Crucial costa the job.

Yeah, we.

Big fan.

Sorry, No matter where the tin Man and his hat are on you. It works. We're into it. We had to go with.

We'd love to see you go.

We we can't wait to see you skyrocket. We support you so much. Right now the project isn't right for you. You're not right for the project.

Anyway.

This got too real too quick.

We can all give this speech in the most realistic we can all write this scene down to the loved.

We we end every episode with realistic role play, career.

Based, heartbreaking role play of whatever kind.

And I get thrown into it.

Cruise so many bleaks, bleep.

Me daddy, daddy a lawyer.

That maybe that should be the last thing you say to the anesthesiologist. No matter what question you asked, you're like, countdown from ten, daddy, Oh there's a problem.

And then I'm like.

Me trying to drugs to make one long thing of drool.

Only Chris and I understand the reference. You're in a different state, but.

Still no, I want to be up above watching like.

That, like, what is it Gray's anatomy?

Yes, but Galley, Yes, we're just studying. We're just here to study.

Well, do you have anything you want to.

You know that I would have put.

A moone of being slip loot of ink slip. Maybe honestly I do.

I'm sorry, slip is getting me.

Whatever.

I do a monthly show at the Allusion now, which is all crowd work, and really, yeah, that's the one over in Frogtown, right, Yeah, it's a really fun theater, really nice new pole like her name is Kate. I haven't met her partner yet, but it just seems like a really you know, when you perform and the audience is there for comedy, it feels like that.

I'm like, oh, this is fun, this is nice.

That sounds great. There's always been shows in Frogtown and I didn't know that's where the Allusion was.

That's yeah, it used to be some other weird theater next to the Police Academy.

Oh, I know exactly. You know. I'm always at the Academy. That's where I do alot my my rain shooting RISDA and I just go there to do push ups in the yard full like contact with just go what you're looking at, Tackleberry characters. Of course, you get.

The reason I know the Allegian is because I get my hair done in that neighborhood. And so I pulled up one time and it was right after it it opened recently, and I think it was like the people that the upcoming shows were all really great people where I was like, what's happening over there? There was like a crowd on this street or whatever where I'm like, oh my god, there's like there's been like a cool comedy outbreak over here, Like I better start paying attention.

Yeah. The theater too, is like letting me have a fundraiser show, like they do you want to do that? I was like, oh my god, yeah, like cool, so I encourage everybody.

Yeah is it right on Riverside? Yeah? Right by that so that Yeah, someone's name that you wouldn't expect, like the George Hamilton Playhouse or something that.

Used to be the playoffs And yeah, it was like Night's theme and like King Arthur theme.

Inside it was weird. It's it was. It was a weird whitehouse.

Karen, did we drive past that seven years ago?

The Lady Guenevere Playhouse or something like that?

That was where we were like that's where kids are lost forever. Yeah, they think it's an.

You'll never come back.

Yeah, that was a long time ago. If you remember that, Oh that's great, that's right. In my neighborhood. See you there.

I'll be there and this surge goes down.

But yeah, it's the last Frida of everyone.

Ye, this is a plug ever. Yeah, Remaynard's show the last Friday of every month at the Allegian Theater on Riverside Drive Drive slash Boulevard.

Yes, it's both now there.

But it's called What's Your Problem?

Sir? Yeah, and I'm just aggressive, what's your problem?

This is one of the attack attack that audience shows. Yeah, I love that.

I'm just like, look at this, Okay, we could keep it. I feel like we're wrapping it up and I'm just like, Okay. As soon as this zoom closes, it's back to quiet.

It's hard to get off. It's hard to off. Sometimes we have a good time, but we have to.

I hate to be the party.

Chris calling it.

Every You're so funny, it was. It's good to see you, to see you out in the streets. And please don't smack my ass. Don't over again, ever Maynard. Everyone, thanks, you've been listening to Do you Need a Ride? D y N. This has been an exactly right production.

Produced by Annalise Nelson, engineered by Stephen Ray Morris mixed by Ryo boun Theme song by Karen Kilgara, artwork by Chris Fairbanks. Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at dinar podcast That's Dynar Podcast.

For more information, go to exactlyrightmedia dot com.

Listen, subscribe, leave us a review on Apple Podcasts, Stitch or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you, Ellen, You're welcome. There we go. I don't even try and do a car horn anymore.