S2 - Ep. 76 - Dave Ross

Are you leaving?

I you wanna way back home?

Either way, we want to be.

There, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a terminol and gay. We want to send you off in style.

Do you wanna welcome you back home?

Tell us all about it? We scared her?

Was it fine? Malcorn?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need.

Ned with Karen and Chris.

Welcome to Do you need to ride?

This is Chris Fairbanks and this is Karen Kilgareth. We used a different cadence this week.

Mine was extra loud and flat.

And mine was morning Newsy.

We're talented in ways you've never experienced, even though you've been listening to this podcast for nine years.

Yeah, you think you've heard all of our characters, but.

You haven't heard shit.

You don't know shit.

You don't know shit about us. Chris right now, guys, because this is a podcast, so let's paint a word picture.

We have to describe it using words.

Chris has he's using his earphones as a headband, which is always appealing to me because he has kind of I would say early nineties college girl hair. Yeah, but he's also wearing a pair of readers that have no frames. Yeah, and it's a look that it's different than skateboard Chris. And it's different than comedy Chris. And it's different than christmasweater Chris. It's a whole new character.

Yeah, you're right.

I do have a lot of different mes, right, This one, Yeah is like we were saying before, a bit of a college professor. And my eyebrows match that. My eyebrows have become very out of control, like any professor Y had in college, where his eyebrows are each like a little mustache that curls up at the ends.

Yeah.

Yeah, I've got the whole thing. I just need to get a corduroy corduroy sport coat.

And some nosehair and just get it. Get lecture in I am. Do you pluck your nose hair, Karen? Well, I do any number of things. I have the highly unfortunate life of having of being black Irish, so I have pale skin and dark hair, So like I can shave my legs and my skin can be silky smooth, but you can still see the hair waiting to come up in roughly five to six hours, right, So facial hair, the whole thing. It's a constant battle.

So when I said right, I'm not agreen because I've seen it. I'm saying right because.

I know what you're saying, because you empathize with life's plates. Yeah you know there will be yeah, yeah, they're just there will be something coming out of there every once in a while. It's it's very alarming. And I I am aware of it because my mother suffered from it as well, and it drove her insane.

I'm just I can't believe how much pain is involved with just and people do it all the time, and they pluck their nose hairs. And I always think I have a high pain tolerance because I think back to when I've broken not one ankle but also the other foot simultaneously, and I took that.

Very well. But I cannot pluck my own notes hair. It's the worst.

I'll let it grow, i'll trim it, but I plucking it and I can't. So many people women do it all the time, and they can take the pain. Men can't.

Don't have the option.

We don't have the option. I know it's unacceptable for a woman to have nose hair. It says you can't make it right in any way.

I want it to be to where no one has nose hair. Can we live in that world? Can the world?

Can we evolve evolve out of it?

Yes?

Yes we can. I believe we can do anything we want.

Well, I'm going to start waxing my notes. That won't hurt it all you It doesn't. It's all one fail swoop you get them all. It's like a plug that comes out.

Well, you should be doing it that. You should be going in and grow groups of hairs when you plug your nose hair, because then you just have the pain at one time.

So now, not to be graphic, but and we'll bring on our guests in a minute. I know a lot of people wonder why we we talk. And we didn't even warn Dave that we do talk for up to five minutes.

Dave's been on this podcast nineteen times.

He's dozing right now. I'm looking at the video of him right now. He's actually dozing. We'll bring you in a minute. You could you keep that mouth shut? We have to bring you up.

Shut your mouth.

Date.

I'm going to start waxing myself and that includes my undercarriage anyway. That's I just want to say that. I know there's at home kits. Why I know I can do it because in the car I.

Have a series of mirrors. And I'm not going to do it in the car with the kids. No, I'm going to do it at home. And I know I can do it.

I know I can lay on my back and with my legs in the air, and I know I can wax myself.

And this is funny. It's not for a photo shoot.

I want to be hairless and I want to whim around in the ocean like a like a shiny seal, and I don't want hair getting in the way of a lot of my swim speed.

Okay, all right, that I guess.

Yeah, I have new swim gloves their web in between the fingers.

I know I got speed, and the only thing keeping me down is these goddamn pubes, all.

That ass hair dragging you to the bottom.

Okay, now that's all right, But yes, you can also go and get between the cheeks.

It's called if you're a man. You have to say, well, you do between the cheeks.

I'm out of that world. I don't do it anymore. But I'd like to do it at home, like an Ogilvie home perm.

I shudder to think what you mean by that.

World.

So let's let's get our guests in on this covers because it's.

It's our next our guest, Our next guest.

We've had multiple guests, our first guest today today, the first one. Yes, I first met him when he hosted a show downtown called Holy Fuck that became the best show in town. It was a very popular show and subsequently was albums of comedy entitled Holy Fuck. He's done so much since then, but now I've drawn a blank. We almost had a record label together that we'll talk about. Oh sure, we almost started a comedy record label.

And yesterday was his birthday. Yesterday, Well welcome, yes, mister Dave Ross.

Dave Ross.

Everyone, Hello, everyone, it's nice to finally fucking be here. Birthday, good birthday.

We build the suspense, we build the tensions. So you come in hot, are you ready to go?

It was like six minutes I perfect material, It's true, six minutes of me laughing and enjoying myself.

Absolutely, I'm furious about it.

No, thank you so much for having me. I love you both so this is great. Oh, we love you too. Yesterday it was my birthday. How was it. Yeah, I'm sick, so it sucked, but it was fine, you know. And I don't have COVID.

I want to I h I honestly thought because of being sick, I thought like, maybe I should reschedule. I'm sick, but it's not COVID, And I do think it's kind of funny to talk about how like, I don't know what happened was I went to a comedy festival and the entire festival was vaccinated. Everyone was very safe, and then I got sick. When I got back, and I dawned on me that I hadn't gotten sick and like a year and a half. And I don't really know what changed in the past year and a half.

But I don't know.

Just off the top of my head, I'm guessing that perhaps I wasn't around a bunch of comedians all the fucking time, and wouldn't you know it.

I didn't. It's sick for a year and a half.

And then I went and I was around a bunch of comics and I got a cold right away, and obviously quarantine was bad. But uh, but one upshot was that I didn't get sick once a month. I feel like it's once a month that has a touring stand up. I get sick, you know, sure you might need some vitamin D or something. Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, that's sounding like more of a character flaw. No no no, no, hold on, here's how you're here's how you be healthy.

Yeah, so you just stayed home and hung out.

I stayed home. Yeah, it was, I don't know.

Do you want to tell us about your birthday cake?

Yeah?

Oh sure.

So my good friend Lindsay Adams, who is a funny comedian and also a good baker and and combines the two often, was like, I'm.

Gonna make you a cake. I didn't ask.

Matter of fact, I was sick when she said it, because I got sick the day before my birthday and she kept asking me what I wanted for my cake, and I just like couldn't answer, and she was like, whatever, I'm making.

You a cake and The cake was just a jet black cake that said fuck you Dave Black. Yeah, jet black. It was like Oreo cookie frosting and then it would tasted like an Orie. It was so good. I mean, she's so good at what she does. Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah. I saw that cake and I loved that.

Yeah.

Yeah right, it was you didn't give her you that's you. Gotta let people know what you want to totally cake.

Yeah. On any if you have a cake made.

And a cake shopper in the back of a market, they're gonna put fuck you if you don't tell them exactly.

Yeah, totally. God. I wish raps were like that. What do you want on it?

That? You know? There used to be a website called cake rex that was amazing and it was basically all the worst like grocery store cakes where people it would say like happy Birthday, Dave spelled with a D or you know what I mean, Like the whole message would be on there, like however, the people wrote it down from the phone, so it would be like, you know, happy birthday, share all with an S, and with an S would also be on the cake.

Oh my god, that's great because it's won the phone message.

Yes exactly, or they try to do like they try to do a Shrek but the person clearly just didn't have any skills, so it would be like three piles of green and some eyes or you know, you have to look at it. It's used to get me through my day.

Yeah, that's the best I want that. I want to see it right now. At the end, it says do you take American Express? Just a whole conversation on a cake.

So good, but also, you know, no criticism to Lindsay, who sounds like a very talented person, but it is I hate it anytime people want to do something like for my birthday for me but then give me assignments where it's like, yes, you know, just could you just make me a cake and have it not be worked for me? Also just like do you execute the idea as if you wanted to do it and then I have it?

Yeah? Could I say it? Actually? Yeah? I mean she I should also in her defense say she didn't wait long. She was like what do you want? And I was like uh, And she was like what do you want?

And I was like uh and she was like whatever, fuck you You're getting an oreo cake and then the Oreo Cake said fuck you, so you know, yeah, she caught up, you know, and get good. I agree with you, and matter of fact, I agree with you to the extent of like I wish, and this is going to be granted. I am a couple things happen when I'm sick, especially I'm in a fog. I'm like, fine, you know, I'll be okay, I'm almost over it, but my head isn't entirely clear. So at some point during this podcast,

Uh?

And I also am grouchyes, and I know that. So I'm gonna this is a little bit of a grumpy.

Thing to say, but I always appreciate it when people say happy birthday, but particularly when we're comics and we know a million people and you know, we're getting a bunch of them just like say the one, you know what I mean, When it's like happy birthday and I'm like thank you, and then you're like.

How are you? I'm like, I really want you to die.

There are so many texts in my phone right now, I just cannot And I was sick yesterday and I like racked up, and this is like such a champagne problem. I had so many people saying happy Birthday. I realize that it's like not a real problem, but I would. It's like my friends and we've all been in quarantine for a year and a half. And like I said, I went to that festival. There's like a million comedians.

You know what, David, I think you need to lay down for a little while. I think you need to put a warm compress on your head.

Am I being grumpy?

Yeah?

Fine, you gave us a grumpy warning.

You warned that, you did warn us. We're ready we're ready for it.

Have you, Dave or Karen ever had a surprise people? I haven't.

Where people hide and they jump out and say happy birthday.

We love it.

I'm going to tell mine first, because because I'm rude. For my fortieth birthday, I had a surprise party and it was perfectly planned because I went out to breakfast with my friends and then Pete planned this party like to start at one o'clock, which you'd never expect, so it was basically like a barbecue afternoon party. But I, of course wasn't. I was like, Oh, I'm gonna go to breakfast this morning and maybe we'll do something tonight

Like, this is it.

It was like it was crazy.

What a specifically terrible thing to have happened on your fortieth too. I feel like like I turned thirty nine this year, and uh, and I feel like if I were to have any version of a heart thing on my fortieth, I'd be like, this is what they said, this is what they said.

It just happens overnight. Suddenly you're just old.

You just die. You have fortieth birthday party and you just die.

Immediately, you collapse, and on top of everything, you suddenly need reading glasses, your.

Body, your I had good. I had a good I had a good. Uh thing you might be with your hair and your glasses. I want to Halloween perfect. No, no, no, no, I mean like when when Karen was like, you look like this, I got one. I got one.

Yeah, with the reading glasses in the free I think you look like if Doc brown Son was a rapper.

Yeah, got the hanks of Doc brown right, yeah yeah, yeah, God that's great. Can you give us a little crisp take a moment, and then give us a little Doc brown Suns also a rapper.

Please you see me roll up in my Dolorean. But no one's awake because they're snowy in. Everyone's napping, no one's here. I wouldn't have a bar party. But still it's a cheer because I cheers myself when I drink alone against a lamp, I'll tap the throne.

Then that's it.

On the toilet because I have a bad case of uh Rapping's hard, isn't it. It's so hard and my back is sweaty, and now I gotta sit like this all wet.

That's, by the way, snow wrapping.

I stop intererupting. I'm in the middle of my song. Then it won't be long.

Oh no, I got a call.

I feel like for a song to call, waiting song text support everybody a.

Whole other podcast. This is like a very different podcast now the time I talk.

Like this, interrupting, getting all filled with dishes for you when you win, everybody.

Oh boy, Christmas, and that's the end of the show. I said, that's the end of the show. I'm back.

Oh he's back. God, thank you.

Well, you know that was nice.

It's just when it comes into your hand you say it and there isn't a lot of pressure to rhyme with modern day rap.

That's true.

Yeah, it's more. It's more lyrical, its more narrative.

I'm so upset you made me do that, Karen.

You loved everything. I wouldn't stop.

I was excited, and then I just didn't do as well as I thought I would.

You were great. Are you kidding it? Rhymed at all? It's incredible.

I mean, you didn't bail that.

Not only did you not bail, you the opposite of bailed. Yeah, you continued and kept rhyming. I feel honestly, I'm like really impressed you powered through.

One time I had a freestyle wrap at a venue. It was on sunset. Someone handed me the mic and I said, my name is Chris and I'm here to say I don't know what to do.

Please take this away and I handed the microway that was my rap. Oh wow, that's good.

I went very well, was well recived. Yeah, it seems like it because they knew that I shouldn't have continued.

One time I saw Josh Andandrowski at what was the show? The Downstairs Show, Paul Danky and those guys downstairs show at.

We Were the Weird Art Yes, yeah, Comedy Garage.

At the Comedy Garage, Joshandrowski at the end of his set challenged a guy in the audience to a rap battle. And then it turned out the guy was really fucking good at rapping blonde guy. And it was one of the funniest things I've ever seen because Josh wasn't terrible at it. But then this guy came back and fucking like destroyed the room. And no, it was not planned obviously, not.

Like it was just machine gun Kelly.

Just machine gun Kelly was standing what, waiting for his big chance.

Yeah, that's how he's got started, not discovered. That's so funny. And Josh was like, I'm gonna give you a million dollars. Yes, I have it, I have it for you.

That's how it's great. Wow, that is such a funny thing about being a comedian, isn't it. Like I know, I've now been around ten or twelve years, and in my first four years five years of stand up everybody I knew, everybody that I was close with, we were stand ups, and you couldn't have convinced me that these people I knew that they were all like I still I don't know, maybe you feel this way too, but I still think all the people I came up with are like the funniest people, you know, and we end

Josh, who I think is like a lobbyist.

The industry.

Yeah, yeah, he's an ebron guy and I know's gone.

But he he's kind of hippy, but now absolutely is.

He actually makes gold toilets for the Trump family.

Um no, he is.

He is like a political activist and I guess he always was that, but that's like most of what he he focuses on now when I talk to him, he works for Nitia Rahman and other people.

And uh, you know, I mean he moved away or does he still? No, he's still here can be in politics and in Los Angeles. That's interesting.

You know there's a plan B.

Yeah, it goes comedian and that's the most important job, and then lobbyist, which is clearly not what he's doing.

And I just don't know what the word for it is. I have it go ahead, and then.

Everyone everyone at the same time. This is the zoomiest, the zoomiest of conversations. But Chris just I was just gonna do who Chris reminds me of? Which is like an environmental studies professor?

Yes, who's a rap? Who's who else?

He raps about apartheid and you know stuff like that, you know, just causes and stuff.

It's only one world, gotta take care of it. It's only one world, gotta take care of it. Yeah, when you why even when you ship you got what?

Sorry?

Always? How What else am I going to rap about? I'm like, get in my apartment all day shitting you rap about what you know? I'm like a conservationist shit rapper.

It was going to be in I was gonna start talking about water conservation and don't I said.

You know that Eminem speaking of shit rappers. That kidding, But he just started. He just opened a restaurant called Mom Spaghetti and I believe in his hometown, No, yes, for real, and he actually he went and served the first ten people in line himself and then I was like, Bye, I can't do this anymore.

That's like if Maclamara opened up keyboards and knee boards. You have to I mean, you gotta have a plan. B. That's important. Everyone's like.

It's also sort of like Charles Manson opening a spaghetti restaurant. Not that Eminem killed anyone, but he says he's going to all the time.

Yeah, that's wrap though, Dave, you know that that's the life style.

What if triumphed the insult comic dog eats there and then he has poisoned spaghetti because they had beef back in the day.

That's true, or Moby, maybe that's why he's doing it, sure, Moby fred durst Jah Rule. He's just like, it's just a long con to kill his enemies. And and you know, poisons mom's poison.

Should I call it that?

No?

No on the nose. Let's just let's just poison the spaghetti and call Mom's and Karen, you know, I.

Know there's a lot of posturing and hip hop, and I know that there's a lot of like talking about violence and some people were violent, But Eminem has always struck me as like where as like most gangster rap, they're like, we shoot people, and then Eminem's like, I'm gonna shoot specifically my wife, and I was like, what why, that's horrible.

He was very specific, a very strange. Yeah.

Yeah, I remember when I first heard him. I'm like, is his mom still alive because she'd probably hate to hear this right, very specific to his mom.

You're talking about them that he threw up mom spaghetti. Yeah, the one that made the spaghetti. That lady, it was you.

Took that as the spaghetti was so bad. He threw it, threw it up.

His very first song.

It was don't explain that song to me.

The first verse goes like this, my name is, my name is? My name is? Mom sucks that?

Yeah?

I remember that album, Yeah, Mom sucks Shady. Yeah, yeah, no, it wasn't that. The right isn't mom Spaghetti from the eight Mile soundtrack? And he says, He's like, yeah, so he throws up mom spaghetti.

I thought, yeah, your your palms are sweaty palms are sweaty spaghetti. Gotta get ready, moms spaghetti.

Freddy Mercury, Yeah, you know.

It's one of the hard wow hours. Totally. I love Tom Petty yeah, he does too. He says that I hate my wife and I love Tom Petty. The Eminem story.

Wasn't that actual song though? It's Lose Yourself right, very famous, big hit. I like.

I still like it totally straight. I like that song.

When you get pumped up for your rap battles. That's what you listen to on your walkman, it.

Is my I have the Tiger, because the Tiger doesn't put you in the mood. That's when I'm in a.

Rock battle.

I listen to that.

Wow, what's a rock battle? They have a met the whiskey.

I'll bet you they actually do have them at a whiskey A go go. He's like, oh, man, that's one of my favorite things about Los Angeles. You know, like every now and then, I'll occasion I go to that neighborhood. It's not where I live, it's it's not where I hang out, but uh but I go and I you know, I like it and uh but it's not like where

On theirs.

Because they got to go operate the mechanical hole at Saddle Ranch, right totally in character.

That's the only way to get it to go faster is to dig your spurs into its uh you know whatever battery.

Yeah, No, they're walking around.

They got like a handkerchief hanging out their back pocket, and they have a leather jacket and they have a shirt that says fucking you know, stiff little fingers and like long hair, and I just forgot, I just forget.

You know.

Yeah, you know.

There's a really good the Motley Cruz story biopic or whatever. I think it's called Dirty or Dirty or something like that. It's on Netflix or something, and it's basically it's Nicky Six's memoir. They filmed it and there's a bunch of

But it reminds me of when I used to have a studio studio apartment near Silver Lake Lounge. Yeah, all the wholess people from the Open Mic would come, eat my.

Food and watch YouTube videos.

Yeah, it's very similar scene, same vibe, same drugs.

Interesting. Yeah, that's isn't that so funny?

How like I don't know, I mean, I'm gonna say something that I guess is probably the exact same thing as you just said.

Karen, I'm so sorry, But like a thing.

We'll just like, yeah, we're all doing it over and over again on each other's shows.

Something.

There's like a moment right where something is huge and uh and then it just stays and you.

Forget that it stays.

But yeah, specifically that neighborhood is like that because all of those venues are still there. And I'll bet you that when that stuff was popular that it was the most fun ever being down there.

Yes, yeah, yes, for sure. Well, especially back then, I think people you do drugs at your table, you know what I mean, like those bars, Like it was the whole vibe of the bar at the time was like rock stars get to party here and maybe you'll get into so you know, that's that whole vibe was very speaking, very specific.

Dave. Do you remember when we were out to dinner and the guy we were with was doing drugs at the table? Oh yeah, yeah. The waiter came and it's just doing drugs.

It was really funny too, because I think it's probably good for the sake of storytelling to not give many more details. I think we probably feel the same Chris, Okay, but still, but I think something that we're saying is that like still we Chris and I were it was what four years.

Ago, five years ago, and this was the type of person where you.

It's like an interesting story and it was so weird what happened that both Chris and I said no to doing coke. And now, at the time I didn't do drugs, and I don't think you did either, Chris, But like, well, it was maybe yeah you did. Okay, fine, but I like didn't at all. But it was such an interesting situation. There are there are elements that could have changed it and out of the story that would have made it be like, you know what, I'll do it because this is really interesting.

But it was just so terrifying. It was just truly. What I'm saying is like, we're two people that are not.

Completely closed off to the idea of doing cocaine and we're sitting with a person who's famous and they start doing cocaine at the table and we were still like, oh no, no, no, no.

No, no way, no, we gotta get the fuck out of here. Dude. It was like legitimately, like this is awful. Yeah, hold on it.

I'm gonna guess who this is. I'm gonna guess who it is. It's somebody that wants to hang out with commas, which means is it a musician themselves?

Oh yeah, I mean yeah, is it a it's one.

Of those musicians that also thinks they're funny. Yeah, mom, I'm gonna get it.

It's Jessica Simpson.

It was Jessica Simpson. Okay, good, thank you, And she wanted to do us well we were gonna do I we were both interested in possibly having comedy albums on a record label connects to this person. And then slowly we realized like they just thought we were going to run a label, and you and I don't know how to run a record label, so it just kind of fizzled out.

Just yeah, totally. I don't know that.

Yeah, we That's not my expertise and I'm sure have any interest.

Yeah, yeah, that It's not a parallel to stand up comedy running a business.

I'm actually going through.

It's like pretty heavy right now, but it's been over the course of the past three years because Chris, like you said, I had that great show downtown.

Holy fuck.

I started that show when I was three months into stand up and really yeah, and I so I like my introduction into comedy and the like the world of making stuff in comedy was was.

Sold out audiences, right that and producing that and and like and so yeah, I mean, I one of the reasons I ended that show was because people's context for me was not that I was a comedian, and that really bothered me.

But now I've been.

Running stuff and producing stuff because I just like kind of learned how and got good at it right away. Sure, And and now I'm I've been doing this however long, and it's been like a never ending battle to stop myself from saying yes to it, is what I'm saying. And it's really funny. I like, like we were just talking about I agreed to try to run a label and I was like, I don't want to do this, and uh, and I'm still doing it.

It's I don't know. I guess I don't know what I'm saying right.

There, there's can I say what you're saying? There must be something in you. First of all, it's a big accomplishment to make that adjustment and actually make it work. So once you're done with this series like Holy Fuck, where it really was a it was a huge show. People wanted to be on it. Whatever whatever you were doing, it was working. So when you're done with something like that, it's very smart of you to want to collect up all that experience and take that somewhere else totally, because

One hundred percent.

And you know what, I don't regret I really don't regret it any I like I did that I ran a storytelling show, I took a break for a minute, and then I started my show that I have now good heroin and I I like always produced podcasts and has sketch groups and stuff because of this exact thing you're saying, I like.

Went on tour and booked my own tours.

And I guess what I'm saying is I am now realizing that that was all positive and good and it all contributed to me being the comedian and person I am today. And yeah, I'm grateful for the skills and I'm sure that I will use some of them again, or maybe I'll fall back in love with one of those things. But I'm realizing now that it as hard as it is to learn things and how true it is that you have to do a million things to

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Also, I think the only people who can really focus on stand up have rich dads. I mean, like truly, who are the people who can be like, you know what, right this is all I'm doing or whatever, unless you somehow get into the place where you're starting to headline theaters right until that time. That's the big lie of la sure is people pretending yes, that it's fine and they're not broken freaking out, or that they're not rich and everything is paid for.

Yeah.

Wow, that's so true.

And I had to teach myself to start saying no to things in the art world because I was always kind of supplementing my comedy career with doing art, and like you're talking, they would sometimes coincide. I was, oh, I can make my own posters or I but I

It's yeah, I mean there's limited there, just as limited time. I would say, they're ironically enough, lately has been even more limited time. I think is the reason I'm thinking of it, like we are all inside, and so we technically have more time, but I cannot manage the amount of things I used to manage anymore the way that I feel indoors.

It's just true.

I wish it weren't. I have the mental health concoction I have, and it just is. And I also the other reason I'm going through this is that I spent quarantine, you know. I mean, if you look at the Internet, everyone's happy and a fucking millionaire in our lives and they're all like I just know so many people that in quarantine got like ten thousand more followers, and like whatever, I don't know what they're doing.

They twitched stream and all this shit. I did all of it. I like taught myself to stream for my house. I like, I like turned my home.

I'm in this office now, but I had like a poster wall behind me so it looked artful behind me. And I was like, I had two podcasts going, and then I started a Patreon with another podcast on it, and I was just doing all this stuff, making videos out of my room, and I was never happy for a moment, like surely, like not.

Even for a second.

And the sick irony of all that is that when we started to come out of Quarantine, was I like left, I went to like one open.

Mic and I was like, whoa, I hate all of that and I just stopped doing it. Yeah and uh and I and yeah, it's weird.

It's I'm in this strange place now where I really I have this similar frustration with with La Karen.

Uh.

Well, I guess I should say I have a frustration with La that you just punctuated with that just very real fact no one says and uh.

And so while it's true I'm not rich.

Uh, I do have a little bit of income from comedy for the first time ever, which is which is nice. I have like some money coming in from serious from my albums, which is good, right, And so that makes it a little easier.

Uh.

And that's probably what makes me think this. But I like, really, as much as I'm not a rich kid and I don't have someone bankrolling my life or career, and I've been terrified most of the time I've been a comedian, I also am like so over doing the things I don't want to do. I don't know if it's that Quarantine really made it clear in my mind, but like the stuff in comedy that I don't like to do makes me feel so bad. I just don't think it's worth it anymore. And I include Twitter in that list.

And I don't know.

The dialogue around comedy, like five or six years ago, was you gotta do all of it. You gotta every comedian, you gotta, you gotta do you stand up every day, you gotta have a sketch group, you gotta have a podcast, you got a Patreon, Twitter, Instagram, you.

Gotta dance, you know what I mean.

It's and so I did all of it, and I got to a certain level of experience or being good at each of them.

Some of them I was actually good at some of them. I faked it, and and then it just turns out that I just I don't know.

I just don't know if it's beneficial to your career to do a thing that gets you slowly gets you ten thousand followers of course of five years, but also simultaneously slowly chips away at your sense of well being.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't know, man, I think we might be doing it wrong.

Is that why you said on Twitter? Haven't you just every day I've been typing what day is it?

What day is it?

I have a bought programmed to tweet what day is it? Every day at twelve fifteen pm. And and I also I have a podcast that that is honestly that I love so much, and so I'll dip into my Twitter and I'll use it to promote the podcast. But that's really it generally, and then I go back and delete. I also deleted all of my tweets except for like five and then so it's just what day is it?

And you can look back. It's been going for two or three years.

Yeah, yeah, but don't you think it's changing? Like I can't be on I can barely be on Twitter anymore. I've changed. I'm following like weird astrology accounts and then like four people that.

Are actually because you were.

There was a time, Karen, where you were looking at Twitter every hour, Like I remember, you were way into it to where I, oh, I'm going to get into it.

We used to call you Twitter kill garif no breaks.

My heart, closed doors and you just opened that door day in fairness, if you open that door, you got any dish jet.

It in fairness, you did perform as a rapper under that name, yeah, Karen, and how you used to do Karen.

I used to say, my name is Twitter Karen, and I'm here.

To tweet wow, jka. I don't tweet that. I delete.

You know.

That's when Dave comes in, because we're actually we're going to be a rap trio totally. We'll work on it and figured it up by the end, Twitter Karen.

And delete Dave. Yeah, that's right.

But I think the everything is changing because you're right. It's like the context of the world is changing so dramatically that doing the thing we did five years ago makes no fucking sense and the kind of cognitive dissonance it creates by pretending everything's fine and pretending like every time I write a joke that's just a plain joke and I post it, for the first thing I think is I think I've already tweeted this. But then I also just go, who cares? Like this is the emptiest thing.

I've done stand up lately, and I've been doing it a lot. People want to hear those duck jokes. I actually don't want to hear you're so funny in the street joke. They know they don't even though they're funny. It seems like there's pressure to do it, you have to do it so well.

I will say, I think that both of those feelings are like valid and worth holding on too, because I feel the exact same thing.

I feel like it is weird too to pursue or like.

Chase after something that is selfish in this like fucked up world, right right, But at the exact same time, yeah, so.

You you can.

All you're doing, you're gonna live, You're still living. All you can do is try to put positivity in the world. And so I actually like agree, I am similarly not really writing, but I know that this is just for me. It's I'm not really writing and performing jokes that are

Then like I don't know.

I mean, like, I'm not gonna tell you not to do something in your life. Do whatever you want, but like it's not gonna make you happy, and it might make.

The world worse.

You know, a lot of those people are gone. It's weird how often like the improv is giving me, They're like, you want to do it this week too? I'm like, where is everybody that used to be in They were comfortably an obstacle in my career and now it's all open and I'm and I don't think I'm good at it.

Yeah, I mean I gotta give know now I'm still relearning. Can you book someone else?

They moved away to become a lobbyist, and I'm not, you know, everyone went.

To be a lobbyist.

No, it's a weird time. But also I think that to your earlier point, Dave, the idea that doing things because you're you think you're supposed to, that's a very stand up comedy culture mindset. It's you heard other people talking about it one night at a show, and so you also have to get on ELL. Like remember that shit where everyone's like, you have to get on LLO, that's the newest thing. And I remember being like, well, I simply don't care, so I'm not going to get

Right now, I will say that four days ago I did get on TikTok, and I just I just did it.

Now here's the only thing I will say in my defense, because I do just agree. And for forever I was like, I'm not gonna get a TikTok.

I hate it.

I don't want to be on more social media. And then I was just like yeah, but what if it actually does happen to help? So here's what I'm doing. I have a bunch of clips that I'd made for Instagram. I'm gonna put them up and uh, if I don't have a bunch of followers in a month, I'm gonna delete my account.

And I like really mean that, I really.

Think, like because I hate I do hate it, but if it if all I have to do is upload things I've already made and I get followers, Like, who cares, I'll do that?

Yeah, yeah, tell the benefit not to be nerdy, But the benefit of TikTok is people can grab anything you post and post it anywhere. It's not guarding it from everyone like Instagram's like yeah, you can share it among star group. But that's what I realized about TikTok is you can put something up there and then other people share it in other places. So I'm on there too, But I haven't done any dancing or lip syncing.

We'll get more where.

That's where the real money is. You got to learn those dances.

But you know what, I've gone on there and gone down this wormhole of people, you know, putting their filter of their mouth on their cat and they lip sync oh mama oha, And I watched a bunch a bunch of them in a row and my day was better because sure, uh and uh, it's what I'm going to do right after we're done recording.

But I'm Yeah, my sister's big into TikTok because my niece, who is fourteen, has beginning to TikTok and she my So, my sister sends me tiktoks that she loves. And there's an account called Korean Dad and it's a guy talking into the camera. He's your nice Korean dad. So he goes, come over here, do you want to eat a sandwich?

There is a certain corner of TikTok. My friend Justin sent me this series of videos that was two like aggressive dudes, just like stoneface looking into the camera and you're like, Okay, this is gonna be some macho shit. But they're just like, what do you have said about man? She dumped you. That sucks.

You don't need her, but not like in a negative way, not against her. You You're gonna be okay, just bring some positivity into your life. It's these two dudes just like yelling and they're all like, focus on yourself.

It's gonna be all right. You have love.

And there's this like whole are exceedingly muscular, because otherwise I'm not listening.

They are muscular, and they seem angry. Okay, maybe it was they're saying positive things.

Yeah I like that. Yeah that is great.

Yeah, that's the new way culturally. Yeah, there is a positivity wave that's happened. It's that we call it the ted lasso effect at my company, but because because everyone is, we've spent the past five years being super fucking stressed and scared for our lives many people, you know, to gradient degrees, but in a way that we never had to deal with before.

Yeah.

So it's just like you don't realize, you know what I mean?

Like, Yeah, I like to have fun. You know what's funny is you just watch me. I don't know how long are we talking about that?

I do, I'm fun. I'm a fun guy. How that was twenty minutes or fifteen or whatever? And me being real fired up? I get so mad is what you're talking about?

Kill? But I don't you have a fever? Buddy?

Well there's that too, But I also I was just doing it to lead into saying I'm not doing stand up about it for that reason. It's not funny to me. And you know what, I'll like, I know that some people do, like Will Weldon's perfect example, Like he gets so fired up and he just gets funnier and funnier.

I just get mad. I start crying, you know.

The crowds like you see all right, And I go up there and I talk about poop or Starbucks or whatever, and we all forget about it for a half an hour. And those things I rap about pod Yeah, the Starbucks poop conservationist rapper. I know why they call you Doc Brown.

Now, yeah, there it is there it is, dude, I will hire you. Also, I showed a bunch of my friends here. You just made all those sports mascot I hope their shirts that hy I hate you dad?

Or or yeah, what are some of the I just can people buy those?

So?

Yes, yes, there's a website. It's www dot emo, dot football and I so I found a sports logo design generator online and uh and I was like messing around with it and I started making a bunch of designs and people wanted shirts, and so I'm selling them. They're also if you want to make your own, there's a link to the generator on the site. I felt weird about it so because literally the generator does a lot of the work.

And so I was like, is this okay to sell? But whatever, I don't know. It's apparently I own all.

It's okay to sell if people want to buy. Sorry, I'm a capitalist. Well yeah that means to you commies.

It's generating it.

Yeah, it's generating I edited, and yeah, but I because it's doing some of the work I didn't feel good about unless I posted.

Yeah, what are some of them?

I'm not thinking of good ones like I'm sad and it's just a beaver with a helmet, like, but.

They all look like honestly, that's not that far off from what mine are.

Like.

There's one that's like a football, like a football player in about to like the play is about to start, stance, and it says, do you know a good therapist? Yeah, stuff like that, they're great. There's a baseball logo of a guy about to hit a.

Ball and it just says help. It's like stuff like that.

All of my friends were interested because they're all skateboarders and they they're not a team sports. Oh yeah, but yeah they it's a funny thing that you did.

Also imagine if someone wore one of those shirts to like, say a professional football game, and people in the crowd saw it and then we're like, I do need help, and it really actually led people get help in some way, I hope, So I really think, so, yeah, thank you, then you earn that money.

Man. I am a fun guy, you know what. I a beaver wearing a helmet. I do know a good therapist. Wow, yeah, I was a good therapist all along.

Just conversation starters to conversations that will lead nowhere that you wish you weren't in.

But still get the shirts.

I will say, there are so there's the there's a lot of them that are just jokes about mental health. But then there are are a couple that say one of them just says eat ship.

It's like, uh, it looks like a it's just like it looks like the.

Blue Jays logo, but it just is each ship instead. And then there's one that's a fuck you idiot, and there's like a hot dog and I just want to point out, oh yeah, I want that one. There are the each ship. One is very funny to me because that one is one of the ones that has sold a bunch, but it is the only one that of all the genders of people that buy, which it is across it is like the gamut of genders will shop from the Emo Football Store, only men by each ship.

Yeah, it's uh and it's kind of a it's just a dude thing to say.

Yeah and yeah, like as a girl, you can't wear a shirt around that says eat ship, because then you'll the guys that will talk to you. Oh yeah, they'll they'll be ship, They'll be cope is it co prophilia, They'll be they'll have interest that you that maybe you don't want to be drawing to you.

Oh my god, eat ship too.

Yeah, oh my god, you love eating ships?

Yeah? Great, come hither, scat men. Just open the scatman doors.

I think we started we open this podcast with the scatman doors, and now we're closing it with the scatmander.

You know what if we're nothing if not consistent.

Yes, I love foo true, I love shitting who yeah true? What a both?

You know.

What? Every dave?

So you have your.

Hot dogs telling you to off shirts that. Is there anything else you want to plug before you go? And is there anything else you want to talk about?

Yeah? I mean I have a podcast called what's it called? And uh, it's just my favorite thing. We have so much fun.

I would love it if you listen to it. It's the website is what's it called? Dot rodeo?

And it's honestly, there's no theme. I have no way to sell it to you if you thought I was funny. You might like it.

It's called what's it called? My friend Caleb signing and I we don't know what our podcast is called, and that's what we we'st and I were doing that the first couple episodes. Yeah, yeah, and now you know how we came up with the name. Yeah, it's a lot of fun. My website is Dave Twothorross dot com da ve E t O T H E r O s

Truly, I don't know.

We're all broke. I can't ask for money. But if you want to share it or watch or listening to that.

Shit, you know, Yeah, people go on there and then they they've they're interested if there's things things you've created, things things you've made, and they're willing to spend that money. And that's up to that totally. Yes, what it's all about. That's what my capitalist society that I am promoting, it's all.

About, don't yes, Dave, do not apologize for soliciting or wheares yeah, never, yeah, which I do every single time I come on this podcast.

We ask for it. Though it's called the plug section, no truly plug section.

It's what we do, and there's something about it where every time I do a podcast, I'm like, I'm sorry that I'm doing the thing I came here to do.

That every other comic does on every other podcast.

I also do want to ask you all to please register Republican and vote for Republicans because I am a Republican and I love money man.

Yeah, Dave, that's that was surprising.

I just like the politicians really.

Them as people. Yeah, yeah, they have good vibes. They have good vibes, yes, people.

So it's funny to go the times I've been in Washington, d C. Though, and you do see like young lobbyists, like political people. They're everywhere next to those buildings from Our Money and Forrest Gump, and they don't. They look the opposite of powerful. They You'll just see some kid that's trying to end abortion. He's got his suspenders and there's just his shoes are mass and he's got mustard on his pants, and it's like, should I have gotten into politics? These guys are nerds man.

I feel like they're the next wave. Like you know, there's like the is Ayatzi striking yet or.

They haven't declared the strike yet as far as I know, So.

That's happening, and all these stories are being shared about like horrible working conditions on set today. I learned it today and obviously support AYATSI like please, And I feel like the political world is next everything I've ever seen.

Yeah, like all their assistants are just treated like shit.

They like make them work NonStop all the time, you know what I mean, Like they all Yeah, the DC is a city of twenty two year olds getting coffee twenty four hours a day.

Yeah that maybe that's why saying that's I don't even know what my point was, but I was looking around, like, God, all these guys are young kids.

Yeah, it's weird.

Yeah, they're like interns. And well it's the same kind of power system that's in Hollywood, where it's just like, well, if you want to work for this guy and you want to be up there someday, then you got to put in the bood and carry this palette of water. All the same.

There's millions of you, So it's okay. For us to abuse you, which is changing.

I mean, that's the thing, is like, here's the thing. Gen Z ain't having it and it's beautiful and they're fucking banding together on social media and being like, go suck your own dick please, sir.

That's one of Dave's shirts.

Yeah yeah, oh my god, well you put god, what would I like? I guess like a fighting I guess fighting Irish would be funny, and then it would say go please suck your own dick, sir.

Sure, if you want to hang out for just a moment, I could probably bang that out really yeah, oh.

Yeah, you would absolutely love to watch We'd love to watch you work. Yeah.

I like that one, but it's the hot Dog. I don't know.

Okay, you know the artists, Chris, I would love for this to be a collab like we do with Wrap. So, Dave, do you have the time to show us two styles? Sure?

Absolutely absolutely do. You're generating this as we speak.

As we speak freshly, I'm logging in right now.

Okay, hold on ship.

This is art in action, guys. This is what what people get into the arts for this electric feeling.

And you know what a lot of you think art has to be seen, but it can be described. Yes, and we're going to describe the process and describe the saying of it through audio.

There we ship, we're about to We're about to see it.

I like, oh, I know what I need to do. So when iris laundry logo, I like that one.

Was it that you wanted to to say, suck your own dick, please, sir?

Is that what it was, Chris? But then it's a hot hug, suck your own dick, please, sir? Generating, it's generating.

I'm in there.

I did not put a comment in the It's okay, uh the hot dog? They have different hot dogs, so I feel like this is okay, let's just go through cho Yeah, I mean that hot dog is dabb and I don't really like that western font that doesn't know. I don't like his Derby hat. Oh there we go.

I like how small the Derby hat is though.

Yeah, yeah, now that's pretty funny.

I do need I want like a taller hot dog. I always want a taller hot dog.

And also that hot dog is yellow, which I find disturbing.

Is there?

I agree? So absolutely I can so. Yeah, it's an accent category. I'm seeing the hat as a blue hat. And uh, if you're not looking at the logo, we have reached the point where we have a hot dog.

The hot dog is dabbing. It's a yellow hot dog wearing a blue bowler hat. And it says suck your own dick, please sir. And if you were looking at a shirt that said the Baltimore Ravens, suck your own dick is Baltimore and please sir is Ravens.

I feel like that's accurate. Yeah, but both are impact font if I'm not mistaken. And now you can see the yellow mustard.

He has mustard on.

Oh god, well, yeah, I feel like that's done. I just feel like that's done for the new merch Dave.

Yeah awesome. Is there any way you can put do you need a ride? On there somewhere? Just keep it really tiny along the side of the bun.

Oh sure, I mean we can also just do this. I feel like this is uh also pretty good. Uh. Now it just says do you need a ride?

Yeah, that's rad.

I love that.

Let's see what happens when I type in Chris, Oh, there's a lot of Santa Yeah, sure, and like angry Santas, like why is.

This the fighting Santas?

Yeah, the fight yes, because yeah, they're all supposed to be.

Yeah, these are all there's our Christmas merchant.

Yeah that's beautiful.

Dave you you know what, Dave, you just got the job as our new graphic design.

Wonderful. Thank you. I would love to I really am the drunk shitty Santas. I love it.

Fuck, that's amazing.

This that's why. Oh god, this is an amazing app.

This is a great way to spend time.

A ripped Santa. Yeah, oh my god, that's.

Like a Chippendale Santa.

This app is insane. I can't believe someone made. It's crazy, all of these crazy, man.

It's really but there's something about it. It feels a little bit like a visual chat roulette, where you wait, we watched Dave types. Then these kind of bubbles come up to let us know that it's processing, and then you wait like it's a Vegas slot machine and for the picture to come up. It's so hilarious.

If it's called place it dot net and you go ahead and make your own shirts, the art is amazing. I'm actually really impressed with this technology totally.

It's it's mind blowing. That it's a generator. That's just like a tool you can use.

And I hope we're doing a good job of verbally explaining the visuals.

Well, I like that. See, at least he's cute.

Can I just say that this is just a cute little teddy bear holding a bat And that should be the one that says, please suck your own.

Yeah, yeah, please, I like it when you flip it.

It's about contrast always, it's about contrasts.

Yeah, it's going to be a cute little bear saying that. Yeah, yeah the movie ted.

Let me put the comment in for me.

Sorry, Yeah, it's all.

For anybody that you know wants to use Dave as a graphic designer, which I don't think that's anything he's interested in doing. But I will say he's great in the notes process. He listens, Yeah, here's what you say, and he interprets you correctly.

Or go to the website I mentioned earlier and do it yourself. Not to take away from how.

Good you're at. You really know how to navigate the.

Site, but you literally are oh, yes, all right, well y'all.

I mean more in the show video.

No I don't, Well, guys, I'm done I am going to play.

When we're done, I'm going to go to place dot net I'm amazed with.

I'm so sorry.

I said that reflexively because we've been narrating video for so long.

Yeah, this could definitely be deadly content for sure. Chris, do you have anything you want to plug?

You?

You only have a plug here there.

I don't, but I will soon. I'm going on tour in the new year. It starts with Texas, a little Montana and some Saint Louis. But I don't have the details yet, but it's going to be great.

Love it.

Yeah, congratulations o things. Yeah, and I'm just going to mention we were on a three month break over Chris over summertime, but my favorite murder is back. In case you didn't know that we were on such a long vacation. I think people were like, I think they quit. So we're back.

We're back now, that's great. That's great.

Yeah, Dave, thank you, happy birthday.

Yeah, give me that us so much. Thank you. Yeah, I'm on the.

Man, carry yourself and nice to see you.

Oh yes, see too.

And also I think I read I successfully wrapped up the Happy Bear, whose team is suck your own dick please, sir.

I'll of course a baby blue shirt. Yes, yes, that looks perfect. That's going to be a nice visual, if not just for the promotion of this episode you've been listening to Do you need a ride? D y n suck your own dick? Please shirt a r.

I are you.

Wanna way back home?

Either way we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim, and give us time and a termino and gay. We want to send you.

Off in style.

Do you want to welcome you back home?

Tell us all about it. We scared her? Was it fine?

Malcorn?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

To ride?

Do you need.

A little, a little, a little.

With Karen and Cress. Yeah,