S2 - Ep. 60 - Kurt Braunohler

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Ride with Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need a ride?

This is Chris Fairbanks and this is Karen Kilgarath.

Today we have a guest.

And before we introduce him, I just wanted to tell you, Karen, because I know you've been thinking about it. My after three months, my throwback, vintage looking but brand new refrigerator has arrived.

Unbelievable it is.

It is a dark wine red, It looks like a classic Cadillac. It's Christine, the Christine of refrigerators. Christine is pulled in and it's here. I mean, I wish I could show it to you. I'll definitely I do too, send in a photo. I know I know you really want to see.

It because it seems it's been months.

It seemed like it it would never happen. And I'll tell you what. It keeps beverages and everything else very cold.

Oh thank god it works.

Yeah, yeah, good. So I just wanted to get that out of the way.

It is, of course, uh are the time that we introduced the guest, and i'd like you to do it, Karen.

Oh, okay, well, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. It's an honor to have this guest on do you need to Ride Today? You know him as of late from the Bananas podcast, but he's also a very accomplished comedian and you.

Might know his voice from uh from Bob's Burgers.

Oh he's are you involve, Ladies and gentlemen. Kurt Brown oller, Hello, Hello.

I am so excited to hear that the refrigerator arrived.

Thank you.

Have been thinking about this refrigerator since you mentioned it a lot of Scotti's episode, I think, and what was it, nine weeks?

Eight? Nine weeks?

I don't have a lot of new things to talk about, Kurt.

I like that when you called about it, there was a chicken in the background, and once you get it, you're just like, I don't you know what it's going to come when it comes.

At all most calls I've made, there was some sort of a bird in the background, be it parrot, be it rooster, be it clucking chicken.

People are at home and people have.

Birds, and you're blessed. You're blessed with birds.

I am blessed with the ability to speak with birds, to communicate with birds, and to relate.

Call them on the phone.

Yes, now you told me privately, I don't know if you want to share this with Kurt, but that this refrigerator is slightly shorter than your average then you expected, or then your average refrigerator.

Yeah, if there was anything immediately disappointing about it, it is that it's about it's just shy of four feet tall.

Would you say, maybe it's a child Is it a child only?

And now I have to show it to you, and I anticipated this, so I have myself on a tray kind of like Steven you's doing the back of the car, so I'm able to be mobile.

Oh I'm so excited.

And uh okay, oh we go.

Oh oh oh.

It's definitely small.

So you can see it doesn't even reach shoulder height. But I must remind you I'm a single man, I'm childless, and uh, it holds the exact amount of food I require to only nourish myself.

Perfect Just a bunch of beef jerky in there.

Just single s, you know, me beef jerky, mountain dul and my cooled off video gaming gloves.

I like, after all of that research people going to trips to actual places in Saint Louis, there was never an inquiry into the dimensions of.

The actual Briefly read over said dimensions and it said the refrigerator is seven cubic feet and I just read it as seven feet tall.

Shit, that's huge. I love a huge refrigerator.

So it's the Cadillac.

It's the in size as well as quality. But no, it is basically a dorm fridge or something all keep once.

I have a garage where I work on.

Classic cars, because you both know I'm a bit of a gear heads.

It's taller.

It's not a dorm fridge in the way that it clearly is.

What it makes me think of is how clothes and vintage stores are all kind of smaller, Like when the fifties, people were smaller than we are now because of of course, the bovine human growth hormone or whatever it's called. So it almost is like or you know, little people from the fifties.

Exactly, and it makes me want to get an old stove oven. I don't know if it's called a snover or an oven, but it does both, and to go next to it, because frankly, I think that was the first thought when this arrived. I'm like refrigerators, my whole life have been too big. This is the correct size.

You're just going to get All of your appliances are going to start getting smaller.

Sent from further and further away this time, get a stove from Italy, the mountains of Italy.

I don't know where this fridge was manufactured, but it took again three months, you know, it took some breaks on a few docks throughout the United States, but it finally arrived and I'm so happy.

And I just thought i'd open with that because people have been asking Karen.

Of course they have, Chris, because.

I won't stop talking about it.

It's fascinating information.

So now, Kurt, is there anything in your life lately that would top the excitement?

This is a true challenge of this retro yeah, there's one thing, okay, and I don't want to.

I don't. It's not a competition.

We know that, certainly is. This is a podcast.

Everything is a competition.

I put up an indoor camping hammock last week or two weeks ago.

Did you know that? I'm not even sure what that is, but did you know it's right up my alley? Yes?

First off, I know it's right Uparely and Chris, you and I haven't really hung out before. Karen, we've hung out before. We'rebuds. But I feel like just from seeing your Instagram, like, oh, Chris and I would be very good friends if we hung out, and if people if people did friendships anymore, which we.

Write the old way, we call it the old way.

Well, I know a one on one zoom and invite.

When I hear one, we'll show our stuff. Do you have an outdoor themed area where this hammock is? No, this is an indoor hand door.

Yes.

I like installed these like massive hooks into the wall so you could have and it's like removable. So when you don't want a hammock, you don't have a hammock. And then when you want a hammock, you have a hammock.

So you had to find studs. Oh I found studs.

Pal, Did you get a stud finder?

Yeah?

I had, I had one already.

Guy, what she's a real dad.

I'm a dad when I had a child. It actually they gave me one at the hospital. So now do you speaking? Do you.

Do you use the.

Pure, the the the original magnetic stud finder or do you have one of these electronic stud finders?

I have the newest version you could which like tells you, it like gets You're like you're getting hot, You're getting closer.

You got closer, babe, It's like we're going away.

Bye bye, bye bye. It's the best.

You have to learn how to use it, but you have to start twelve inches away from where you want it to be.

It's very it's kind of confusing.

Oh okay, you know it's terrifying because especially when you're gonna put your child hanging from it. Yeah, to make sure that you're like in the right place.

But I bet those children are or I don't know, children old enough to be, but an indoor hammock would be I would go insane.

Yeah, if I was little and got to do.

That, right, it has already been taken down. I have permanently taken it down. I installed it. It lasted for seven days, and then I was I have just recently had I recently had my second of two knees operated on, and so I had recent knee surgery.

And I was holding my son. My son is one.

Years old and one year old really there's not many there, and I was just like it was in the morning time, and I was like moving about and I stepped over it, but then my foot got caught on it.

Oh, and then we both went down.

He hit his head's I fell landed on the knee I just had surgery on.

It was awful.

So like from the other room, my wife just hears like my boom, and I'm like.

And then the baby's screaming and she runs in like what is it? What is it?

I can't talk because I've in so much pain. I was like handing the baby. The baby was totally fine, just scared and nervous, but it was so immediately just like and this is done. It was a great six days with the indoor hammock.

There's a reason they're outdoors. There's a reason that very good one.

Yeah, horrifying, yeah, yeah, That's the thing is, when it's inside, you usually have to get to the other side of it, you know.

So yeah, that's what I mean. It was.

It was the main plot for several Gillikins Island episodes is that hammocks are unpredictable.

And banana cream pies are delicious and hilarious.

That's the other yeah plot.

Can I have a question, did you go down on the surgery knee to prevent more damage to the brand new baby?

Yes? Yes, yes, it still was. It still was.

You know, he still bunked his head, which was just fucking It's just terrifying. But yes, I was trying to get my body in between the floor and him.

I'm sure you did your best, and I bet that head bonk would have been more severe had you not thrown your knee into the line of fire.

Yeah, which I also wouldn't have existed if I hadn't put up a hammock.

Hey, we can all be perfect fathers.

You're like, look, both of my knees are going out and I have a very new baby. What do I need in this room? That what will add to this equation?

How about it?

Unpredictable, suspended sleeping apparatus. It is even in a backyard, it should be outline. We had a hammock in my backyard and my sister I would that's what every kid does.

You wrap up in it like a cocoon and try and do.

A full three sixty yes, and usually you end up launching into the nearby fence.

So in the house it's even more dangerous.

My Aunt Jenny and Uncle Brandy, where we would go to their house often in the summertime.

You have an aunt, you have an aunt Jenny Jinny. I have an Aunt Jenny as well, and I've never heard of an aunt Jenny before, but continue, okay, it's and I drink a.

Lot of brandy Ginny and Brandy. They had this.

They lived way out in the country, so like wait, even further northern northern California than us, but then and they had this big ranch house and on their land.

But then they had this.

Huge pool, so like when you were in the pool and it was one of those setups. So we'd get to their house at noon and we'd all go jump in the pool and knock it out until nine o'clock at night, Like you'd have to yelled out to go eat your hot dog and get back in the pool, and your view like this way was a big old lawn and then their gravel driveway, so we always would have to get out to go to the bathroom and you'd have to walk across gravel because you'd never put

It was a real country and it was really fun. What was the point.

They had a hammock and it was bolted up between two big, old old trees. So we would do the three sixty thing, like if you could get your older boy cousins to come over. You had to hold on because it was like big thick ropey you know, hammock that kind of stayed wide all the time.

It never went down. It was that like kind of like it was from a deserted island, and so you.

Would like kind of hold on, like dig your fingers into the holes or whatever, and they.

Would push you so much you would go up like that.

No one ever went all the way around, but you would go up so high you had basically become perpendicular to the ground.

It was pretty awesome.

I only have good memories of that.

Oh me too.

I have a bad memory of it. It's a real bad memory of it. Yeah, right, it's a good memory otherwise there it is.

I wonder if your son's going to have that where he sees hammocks and then he's like, oh no, don't get it away from me, Like just deep down.

I still got at least a year before memories.

Is that true?

Wow?

Yeah, I think memories start kicking in around two. Oh good, Yeah, yeah, you're right.

My oldest memory was around two years old. There was nothing before that, but I kept remembering that. I remembered it, so I still remember it.

And I would when I first had alive my eldest who's only four or going to be four, but I was having all of these experiences with her before she was two, and sometimes I would just sit there night and I just start crying, and my wife be.

Like, what are you crying about it? And I'd be like, I've had so much, so many amazing times with all of it. She won't remember any of it. I like that.

It's sweet where it's just like this is so important to me that right now and to her it literally means no thing. There is no memory, of course, it's like, you know, her confidence and everything is built in this time and all that sort of stuff, but like, sure that bullshit of it gone.

Yeah, that's why that first year you can really be a distant dad if you want to be.

Yeah, she's telling you something.

You're like, uh huh, speed it along, let's go.

I get it.

I vividly remember being on my dad's shoulders and him running across the street with me up there and him tripping and somehow he did some diving role where I came out unscathed, but he totally hit the top of his head and I just immediately was like again again, I just it was the funnest ride ever. And I kind of remember that and again I had to be two years old. Yeah, nothing before that, All those baby years wasted.

I think my earliest memory is, let's do that. Let's do a round of earliest memories.

That's a good fun.

My earliest memory is my dad holding me while we walked into the first house we lived in Pedalima.

I believe this is.

My first memory, and he was holding me and then going like this because there was cobwebs in the house because an old guy lived there. And then like sold it to my parents for almost nothing. He wanted a family to live in his house, and he didn't want his ex wife to get any money, so he sold it to my parents for like I think at the time it was like eleven thousand dollars or something insanely cheap or whatever.

But he.

Moved at whatever. There were cobwebs in the kitchen as he walked in. He was going like this and like knocking down the cobwebs of our new house.

It's truly trippy.

Yeah, that's a scary memory.

But it's daytime, so it wasn't like a haunted house I just met. It's kind of a dusty house.

My earliest would be my parents took me to I had to be this is more like four years old, but.

There was a n you said your your earliest was the earliest.

It's it's interesting, but my dad brought me a little fire truck and we were in Monterey, so I had to be under two years old. We moved to Montana when I was a kid, and he I remember him setting this fire truck down. I remember him walking into the room silhouetted. There was a domed archway above the door, and he handed me this fire truck and it was my favorite little toy, you know, into my teen years.

Kid makes sense.

He grew up to be totally normal and ran like the wind, but as a kid he had these leg braces and that was kind of my traumatic.

Yeah, that kid was Steven Prefontaine.

Yes, he grew mustache and he ran like the wind for Nike. I'm trying to remember first memory, first memory. I think this is the only thing I can think of, is that it's and this is why I know it's too that I don't have any memories for too. My parents got divorce when I was two, and I have no memory of like living in Michigan, and then we moved back to New Jersey when I was two and my mom moved in with her uncle in Asbury Park and.

He had this house.

It's like very big house that was like super falling apart, and we lived in it, and I know all that, but I don't really remember, but I do remember being all the way up this house. Weirdly, this house was like falling apart, like in the seventies in Asbury Park.

Very similar to my cascading lights a light, that's what the impression anything that fires your rods and cones.

Yeah, it zaps you.

Back there, your fresh brain brain, creating an upside down image. You have an inflatable robot, only to be flipped over by the mirror inside your eyeball. That's right, also works for cartoon pine trees.

Interesting addition, my Aunt Jean, who lived next door to us in that house that we moved into, who was also friends with These are all non blood relatives, they're family friends. So Uncle Brandy and Aunt Jenny, Aunt Uncle Steve and Aunt Jane next door.

Aunt Jean was from Asbury Park.

Really she would go back there and visit her family and come back to California and bring us tasty cakes.

And we were like, what the fuck is this?

We were like, this is so much better than everything we have available to us.

Oh, I had no idea that tasty cakes were from the East Coast. But you know what's interesting is that there was there was a it was like a hut that was just on the outside of Asbury in Neptune, and it was a tasty cake hut that would sell

Yes, I don't know.

But it also had like a variety of things. Yeah, it was just a candy company or like a treat company.

It was their version of Hostess, I believe, yes.

So the tasty cakes that we first, I mean the thing we first had were tasty cakes, but they made other, uh child pastries.

Whatever you call it.

I make child pastry child baby for.

The fancy baby in your in your family.

But we just they I just remember her bringing them out in a box of like, kids, I brought you something too. We're just like because they looked like a version of Zingers, kind of like they had the frosting was kind of like raked, it seemed like on the top.

But then they just it was just the quality was so much better.

Oh see, that's the thing. Kids remember the toys and treats. So you ever want to impress a kid, which we all know it's toys and treats, but it's not like they're being shallow, which I always thought before I had kids, like these shallow kids care about toys treats, but it's really their world. Like that is what the memory will be of toys and treats.

Because we can have the as adults whenever we want, and I often do too much. But when you're a kid, it's so meeted out to you at certain times or whatever.

You're not in control.

So then when you do get it, it's this fucking bonanza of like because my parents, strangely enough, they weren't like hippyish in any other way in the seventies, except they were like they didn't.

Let us have like sugar cereal.

They were very like at least amount of sugar as possible, natural peanut butter, which is the.

Worst caribital carib and chocolate.

We just didn't have chocolate at all unless it was a special occasion, which would then get us all keyed up for like Easter or whatever the thing was where then you were.

Just like, this is the greatest. So it kind of a setup.

I'm I'm I'm appreciative that I had parents that wouldn't let me have sugar. No why as an adult no cavities. I do a lot of bragging on this podcast.

He doesn't give a shit.

Not a single cavity. I've even asked a doctor or a dentist. They call themselves doctors, but they is there anything even close.

To a cavity in my mouth?

He'd say it, and usually they're in tears and they say, my teeth are impeccable.

My parents, I had no sugar. I was like very similar Karen in the vat no sugar. And it was always like whole brand everything. All the food sucked right up until like I think it was just like fourth grade and then like the fucking dams just opened and then it was only junk food. It was just like I think my mom just was like broken. She was just like a single mom. You know, she was a pediatric nurse, and I think at some point she was just broke. She's like have it, I don't care anymore.

That's terrific.

I always remember the and we've talked about this a lot on the show, but I just am so blown away and so bitter to this day about how from you know, growing up in the seventies, there was like nowadays, there's candy everywhere, so any store you go to, you go to fucking home depot and in the aisle they've

Money and people give them money. We need to get their money.

Before that, it was so so like when you watch movies from like the late seventies or eighties, it's so boring and dry and it's like the weird. If you watched the most recent True Detective, there was a girl and it was nineteen eighty and she was ten years old, and when they went into her.

Bedroom, I was like, whoa.

It was like all these things that are from the from that era that I forgot about. Like there would be like a stuffed animal, but it was like fabric wrapped around a paper cone. So it wasn't like a thing you would ever hold or like it was just something to stick on your dresser kind of thing. A little shit like that that looked like it was made at the fair.

And that was like, here's your toy. Here's your toy. I doesn't have a brand.

I never thought.

About the idea that like it was there was like a decision to market stuff to children, and I do think it was like late seventies, early eighties, and then after Candy was like this is how we do it, Cigarettes were like and this is how we do it.

Yeah, you met Oh Camel. It's pretty cool kids.

And that was like eighty I mean I must have been like eighty eight or something like that.

Joe Camel.

I remember trying to collect all of the all of the like different Joe Camel like match box match match tops, you know, and then you like trade them in for camel cash and you can get windbreaker.

Yet oh yeah, I never got one.

And his face was overtly at dick and balls just just not even crazily, horrifyingly over.

So insane and it's so weird that now we have cameltoe. But then it was camel dick. Like that was camel dick face. That's the animal that has everything. It unifies all the genitalia, and kids love it.

First of all, kids love camels, and we know that they always have when you're little and you're like, you know, I need my camel stuffed animal. I need to ride a camel whatever. We talked about it constantly.

We are we're not trying to be perverted or weird, but they're also little kids are obsessed with their own genitals, So why not have a cartoon character that has a little bit of both kids line up for that dick face?

Hey love it?

Oh sometimes I say stuff I shouldn't. How did you Why do you just have bad knees? Why did both your knees have to get fixed?

It was like to twenty nineteen. It was Nick Turner. Nick Turner who's a comedian in Los Angeles those around the corner for me. I would see him running when I was like driving, and then I contacted him.

I was like, are you running?

And he's like yeah, like I of course it was a bet. He's like, I bet Nick Vadertot like I couldn't run in a marathon, so I'm gonna win five hundred dollars by running this marathon. Oh I remember this, Yeah, but not a marathon like a five mile thing.

Sure, And I was.

Like, oh, hey, maybe I'll do that because and then I and that's literally I was like, oh, do that. So I started running. And then my goal was to like do like, you know, five miles in like a Turkey trot, and so I started in maybe September, did the Turkey Trot in November. And I was like, oh no, like I like running, like and I'm you know, I had forty three discovered that I like running. So then started running a lot. And then the pandemic hit and I was like, oh, I've got a lot of time.

Oh wow, like casually or was it an explosive like, oh my god, I just did something.

It was no.

I finished the run and then and then immediately was like, oh oh no, oh I couldn't walk. Yeah, so oh yeah, totally. Yeah, it was just a tick. Like tore my meniscu on both knees. The next one I tore right after I finished physical therapy. I'm the left knee.

It was like, so you were maybe and I'm not insulting your birth, but born with bad knees. I was told I was born with bad hips and I have to get the other one. I got one replaced. I did get the other one.

Yeah, I definitely have bad knees. But also I think it was more about the fact that I had never run. Yeah, and then at forty three, I was like, I'm going to turn this body, which is a large body. I have a large body. You're a running body. And my body was like, no, you're not. Nah, huh, you should have started when you were twenty if you wanted to do that. Weirdo, I guess, yeah, Or it's just because I've.

Always run a little bit just because it's the easiest thing you can go do. But once I started, when I lived by the beach, I thought running on the sand would be oh yeah, the softest surface. But really it's kind of unpredictable and makes your legs.

Do you know.

I thought it was good for the quick twitch muscles, not to get technical, and I swear it that far. Yeah, not to quick twitch. It's a very important. Uh it's important to wake them up.

Well.

Anyway, running on the sand, Yeah, all of a sudden, my hips it was like, uh, what is wrong with Why is my ass hurting? I thought I had cancer in my legs or something. It was that piercing a pain. And it's because I ran on the sand. They said it's too soft. You should be running on flat surfaces.

Do you know what a bummer it is to injure yourself trying to keep yourself healthy. Like if I injured myself skateboarding, I would be like, I get it, I deserve it. But I'm out there trying to live longer and I'm just making my life fucking worse. Like, no, I hate it. I'm not running anymore. I'm done running.

I've cut it. Out of my life. Every time I and I've broken.

I've broken both my ankles skateboarding and the immediately right when it happened, and I'm looking at my crooked foot, I yelled, I deserve this. I know what I'm signing up for. But yeah, I'm trying to run. I'm trying to be soft on my body. I hit the sand and that that's what takes me out. It's it's unfair, it is.

Life is so fucked, you know what I mean.

I actually pictured when you said you blew up both knees kirt. I pictured you jogging in like Converse all store just every like you decide to run, but you're just like in hard shoes and you just start running up the street or something.

Like just wearing a nineteen fifties hooshirt, cast ball shoes o, just going for it.

Yeah, we all.

Secretly want to be Matt Knutes and the comedian that's done multiple marathons. You can't just jump into it.

Nope, you can't get it. You got it.

I screw up with asthma, and so I always hated and feared running or fast movement of any kind. I've planned my life around making sure I wouldn't get into a situation where I would have to run along with anybody or like I had to do it in high school in like standard kind of pe class stuff, and it was a complete nightmare. It was just kind of like, yeah, I just this isn't like my style in any way. I don't I can do like volleyball stuff or whatever,

Yeah, super constant. Do you still have asthma? That's no.

My mom convinced me when I was around, because I used to actually have to get driven to Kaiser and get like shots twice a week.

I'd very bad ass. But we also lived out.

In the country where there were so many animals and every kind of any kind of weed, pollen, whatever fucking thing. It was like, so I reacted to all of it, I think, And so I got shots for year a couple of years, and then at some point my mom just kind of suggested to me that asthma psychosomatic, and I was just like, yeah, I don't have that anymore.

Like she she got into my head. She did that.

It's the same way she got me to stop wedding the bed because I went the bed till way later. You know, Like I was like eight, I was like getting embarrassed at sleepover park type of parties where I was just.

Like, this is untenable, it can't continue.

Remember that My mom was like, sorry, I'm just going to say.

That's how Prefontaine started running, just trying to get home before his mom hung up in sweat sheets.

Remember that. I think that was him.

That's Michael Landon's nuts, very similar.

Men may rest in peace.

Just wait, did you have you ever seen I have this song stuck in my head all the time. Did you ever see Frank Conniff that bit where he sings Michael Landon's Legacy of Love.

No No Mystery Science Theaters three thousands, Frank Connaff Frank Connoff.

He used to do sets at Paul Keselowski's Fake Gallery comedy.

Room all the shot.

Yeah, Kurt, this might be before.

You moved into to La definitely was. Yeah.

Yeah, it was a great room where the same people would show up every week and we were all just doing sets for each other and it was insanity. It was like Eddie Pepactone would do it all the time and Paul and me and.

You know, run like a bunch of people.

But Frank made up a song because there was a TV Guide cover after Michael Landon died and it said Michael Landon's Legacy of Love.

So he made up a song for that.

But he started it by going, you do imagine he had tiny symbols on his fingertips and he's like.

Bring bing, bring bring, Bring, Bring, bring bring.

And there's like this long introduction as he played in visit fingers is insanity and one of my favorite things. Anyhow, my mom basically one night handed me probably an eighth of a cup of cranberry juice and she said, this is going to cure your your bed wedding, and that night I stopped wedding the bed.

Yes, yes, she was.

My mom was really good at like basically mental manipulation.

It worked.

Like she told me when I was like five, I know when you're lying. I can see it.

And then I was like, oh shit, So I just never lied to her ever, wow, because I was like, oh she'll no, I can't lie.

Was her was the mental manipulation always for your benefit, I don't think so, sometimes for her entertainment.

Or her convenience.

I mean, I don't think you know, it definitely benefited me in some ways. But then I remember later on somebody being like, uh, someone I knew that was an adult that had asthma.

It had like an inhaler.

And then my I was like, it'stic and people are like, it's not.

It's absolutely not.

I love that your mom was suggesting that you, as a child had a uti.

Yeah, this is a magical drink, and so you know that thing you don't want to do anymore, You're not going to have to do anymore. And I was like, fucking great, because I want out of this whole world of bed wedding.

It sucks. And then it was over.

My mom did the same thing, but it was cranberry juice.

Heat it up and in a bowl, and she made me put my hand in it as I slept in It did not help the problem, amplified it.

Actually. Sorry.

We did have Red Hand at school the next day.

Every fellow student's favorite character Christopher Redhand.

He's in the Gang of the Red Hand.

Oh that's fun. Well, I'm I hope you're recovering.

Well. Is your knee perfect now? Not perfect, but it's getting there. I'm better. It takes time. I'm gonna start three year, yeah, three years. Yeah, I'm going to Swimming is the way. Yeah, swimming is the way, right. Yeah, it in your pool, do you like I do?

I spent I did not get out of that pool all summer long. It was the best and it really helped. Like I was, uh, you know, obviously we were in quarantine and we're all scared and freaked out or whatever, but I just had this thing where I was like every day at whatever time or like in the morning,

Stressed, I just I lock down.

I just like all my muscles lock up, and I eat and I lay down. I get as like small as like can, and I eat as I watched TV. So the swimming I could feel, like, you know, after two weeks, I could see my legs shape changing.

Yeah, it's like it's the best and it's like meditative. It is. Yeah, I highly recommend.

The guy that did my hips wrote a book about how swimming is the answer. And I didn't know how to swim even actually I was scared of it because of some childhood canoe trauma. But I I just got a ridiculous looking snorkel that goes up the middle, a freestyle snorkel.

It had Michael Phelps's signature on it. But I because it's like it's a mask and snorkel.

It is regular goggles and it's a snorkel with a headrest and a strap. It's quite it's like the headgear of swimming. But it I immediately, like Karen said, all of my pain radiating down everything stemming from my hip, which I thought bad back. I thought it was bag knee, I thought it was bad ankle. All went away until after just swimming for a half hour, just kicking around. Then it was like, Okay, the pain is only in my hip. There's the answer. But it also yeah, it

It really is. My grandmother she moved to She was a dancer.

Her whole life.

And she moved from Asbury Park to Palm West Palm Beach in Florida, and she had a house with a pool, and every day at like I think three pm, she would go and get in her pool, get in her pool and do like swim for thirty minutes, but with her head above. She never got her hair wet, head above, just kind of like almost like a doggy paddle yea for thirty minutes, and then would get out and have one cigarette and then start making Margarita's was.

Her hole every day, every single day.

It was amazing, and do the crossword puzzle while having like some sort of mixed drink from a blender, whether it be a Peeni clod or or a Margarita. And I was like, yeah, And I didn't realize at the time that that is the life, like the life I want.

Yes, I'm there. I want to live that life entirely. I can't. I know I can't have Margerita's. But that was how my mom would be too.

We would be like we'd go on summer vacation and be like the first day we'd be at Blue Lake or whatever place we'd go in my mom would come out and get in the water and she'd be swimming so careful because she didn't want either.

She didn't want to mess her hair up.

She didn't want to have to redo her hair, like because she would have to go up and reblow dry it because it was a do and she would We would always go try to swim by her and be like mom, and she'd be like, step it, don't, don't, don't because she just didn't want us to get her hair wet.

It's a very big deal.

And there's this folklore that chlorine turns your hair green. So I wear a swim cap to add to my ridiculous ensemble. I think you have to wear a swim cap if you're going in a public pool too.

I think that regularly.

Yeah, it's just yeah, keep your hair out of that met your skin and your open orifices.

Go ahead, and there's no but tak.

Yeah, bring it on used band aids, but my hair, stay out of my hair.

Oh god.

The one thing about swimming every day, though, is it makes you voraciously hungry because you are you're doing like double exercise essentially total every muscle is working. So then I would I would always be like, should I get fed a chini Alfred out tonight. I was like, no, no, no, it's working against the whole plan. But it would just be that kind of like carb engine would be would have started.

I thought I would lose a lot of weight swimming. I felled it helping my muscles and everything. But I was sort of gaining weight. And so I asked the doctor about that, because he's the swim doctor, and he said, is it a cold pool? And I'm like yeah, He's like yeah, every time you jump in, your body's like, oh, we need to create some fact because I was gaining weight.

Wait out there.

I have bummed out at this because I definitely need to lose some weight. I was you was going to do it. It was really cold, but well, my fun body's like I got bloody blubber.

Totally like I'm one.

Of those old guys that goes out and dives into an ice hole the Polar Bear Club. Yes, yeah, I'm not kidding, that's what. And I it was a shock to my body when I jump in that pool. I'm like, how is this just room temperature? That was? And it was probably seventy degrees but it felt really cold. Uh. And and if you so find a heated pool, I'm I'm very serious about this, Kurt. Oh, make sure the one I found is heated so you sweat it and make it real gross and goula of fluids?

Isn't that one that's like Griffith Park Boulevard and lis felis that that one's empty?

And all the ones in La count in La City are empty? But I found one in Glendale, baby, Yeah, outdoor in Glendale, heated pool. Not telling anybody where it is because I don't want to nor competition in the lineup.

Sure, it's just going to be you and the Armenian Mafia swimming away.

Yeah cough yeah.

And you gotta wait for a lane. If you start squealing about it, you got to wait an hour to swim. You're sitting there waiting for someone to quit waits.

You would do it. You would just go and wait for people to sep swimming.

And it was always liked sit and be fit swimmers with their head of a water.

And when I was coming through physical therapy.

They're like, go to the Elizabeth Taylor Aquatic Swim Center.

And I've talked about this.

There was like those those long vertical tapestries of Elizabeth Taylor an old swim where apparently she didn't even swim, she didn't know how, but she has an aquatic center and it was all old folks that were just I'm like, I don't belong here. I want to go do laps, you know, not frog kicks.

You know.

But at least it was heated. Why don't we have beautiful pool dance sequences in movies anymore?

Guys? Yeah, the whole.

Dance sequences were really a thing for quite some time, and then we lost it and I'd on it back.

To fully appreciate it, you have to be it has to be a bird's eye view, and it's hard to suspend an audience. So they see that your kicking legs are like a flower from the side, it's just like, yeah, they're splashing around. You don't appreciate the formation. It's only from above. You know.

I'm talking out my ass, but I.

Think, what was that Coen Brothers movie. I want to say I Caesar, but that's incorrect.

No, I think it.

Caesaresar. They did have one. They did most.

I loved it so much. I mean, that's a great movie.

If you haven't seen it or you haven't seen it in a while, it's such a great movie, end to end. I don't know why people didn't love it more. But that Scarlett Johansson swimming is amazing. Also the dancing, the sailors dancing.

What's his name? It made me like him.

Yeah, I was gonna say Chet Johnson, he might as well be called He made me like.

It's amazing.

It's so good.

And no one, I guess other people knew he danced because they had watched one of the seven Step Ups, this tragic my step up movies. But he, oh man, he's great.

He's so good.

But Scarlette Johansson in that and the way they shot that, it was so true to how they really did it. It wasn't like a cute see version. It was full on real you know.

It was awesome.

Yeah.

Yeah, And then I just loved how she like came up out of the water and she's like, what do you want me to do?

Yes?

Like good, totally voiced. I love that movie.

Then the movie takes a thirty minute dive into the sailors scene.

But I'm no critic.

Let's start synchronized swimming, you guys for real?

Hey you I know you.

They get you dooy, like did you doo me?

My cousins Mary Kate and Eileen were on a synchronized swimming team called the San Francisco Marionettes.

I have a question, yes, is that three people or two people?

Mary Kate one, Eileen two?

And they were our older girl cousins and we I mean, we love them to this day. But like when we were little, that's all me and my sister talked about Mary Kate Nileen, and they lived in San Francisco, so they were like the coolest whatever. But we would go watch them and they would also in at Aunt Jenny and Uncle Brandy's pool. Would teach us how to do those moves like you you're underwater, then you come up like torso first, then legs one leg goes up and

Oh my god, I can't believe that that actually was a thing for high school people. I can't I bring it back.

That might be the kind of thing. I'm so excited to see.

What does make a comeback in the coming Well, let's be honest, a couple of years, because we know bowling is over forever, but what if synchronized it is, Hey, we're going to pay attention to everywhere our three fingers go.

Yeah, but couldn't they have like could we just do disposable gloves and solve that problem right by?

Everyone? You have to bring your own ball. Sorry, no more municipal balls.

But that is the funniest part is that like that was the first thing they reopened, like after we had our big lockdown. They're like, all right, barber shops and what else? What else could it be?

Bowling? O? Yeah, those are the two places that are open now. It's like why why are bowling alleys open?

Yeah?

And gun ranges.

It's the people that are yelling the loudest for I want this back, and I think the bowling community is vocal.

There and they're threatening. They're not afraid to absolutely threaten as city councilman's.

Like most of them may be most of them are John Goodman from The Big Lebowski.

We used to.

Laugh because I started getting my sister and when I would go home for either Thanksgiving or Christmas, I would make everybody go bowling as kind of like all the families.

Getting together perfect. It's so fun.

But we would then we order a bunch of food and then we would come over. It's the same conversation every time, where like picking up a Mozzarells and be like, so gross to be eating this right now, because your hands have been in it, like bowling balls that you don't even know who's been using it. They're just go and take those same fingers and go over and be like, hey, did you try these fries?

It's disgusting.

Just last year I did it, and knowingly, I'm like, it's probably gross, but I've built up at tolerance to most germs.

Yeah, to think now anyone doing that.

You just would do a lot of We were all pretending that. We were like, if you're alrighty, you use your left hand.

To eat, to eat the food. But you know, people were switching, like it's hard to keep track.

It's right to get to keep.

Track and also only eat with your left hand. I couldn't do it, like put putting in.

The wrong spot.

I love bowling, though I'm not good at it, but I really I think that is such a fun.

It's fun activity. It's a fun way too.

So it's like I have now come to realize I really enjoy socializing with an activity, you know, with a low a low pressure game.

Of some sort. I do enjoy that.

I don't want an intense game. I want a low pressure nobody gives a shit. But like you can continue to do something while talking, because now with zoom, where all your hangouts have to be like eye contact, eye contact, eye contact, I just want something where I don't have to make eye contact. We can still be vulnerable with each other and talk, but we're focused on something else other than staring at each other in the face.

You know, yes, yeah, are you looking at me? Keep your eye on the dartboard. We're bonding eventual dartboard.

What if couldn't there be a way to figure out how to play bingo like on Zoom?

Yeah, there should be? I play, you know, I you know, I'm a classic dad. I play poker with friends. So there's like an app where it's like you see everybody's face and it's a video. It's a video chat, but also then the game is being played, so we're just having a chat. But then also happen to be playing a card game too, and it's oh, so sounds fun, much more enjoyable than just a Zoom hangout.

I'm embarrassed that I look at poker the same way I look at chess, like it's above me and I'm not smart enough.

To figure it out.

And every time I've played, people kind of hold your hand and then you end up winning. That's always what happens, because they're helping and they turn they turn on you, and they they keep calling because it's some easily five hundred dollars. Janna my old neighbor. But yeah, I want I agree with Karen that that bingo. I'm surprised that I haven't seen that because I was playing a lot of bingo at the hallway up until that's uh this whole Uh.

Doesn't bingo require a large amount of people? Like four people? Right?

It's not fun with a small amount of Yeah, definitely.

For Yeah, it takes a long time.

You're looking at uh when there's four people, you're there for hours before.

You get a winner, and no one has fun.

We also like we have a game night where we play Quiplash, that jackbox game so fun. It's a really fun game. But then if there's not enough people, the numbers are very it's like you can't have four people, you need six ideally eight. Yeah, but then if there's a certain combination because like all the people that I do it with our writers, so then you're being like casual and silly. But then if you start losing, you start getting competitive.

Only just to be like I'm I know I'm not the least funny person, honest Like it's like.

I've practically said that out loud, where I'm like, there's no way I'm losing this game. And then I started accusing people being sexist, where I'm like, how am I losing?

I'm the only woman on this. The whole thing is bullshit.

But it's so funny because at first it's like kookie and whatever. You're like, oh, that was a good one, and then after a while you're like, yeah, I'm done losing.

So do you play with an audience or is it just with with the people who are playing? Okay, because with us, I've done it. I've done the show that Julian hosts, right, and that is that's really fun too because then there's an audience too, So it's not just the people who you're with voting against each other. It's like strangers you don't know.

Yeah, but if you get a weird combination, there's I find it's like when everyone's voting for their favorite one, you're you need the right combination of people that are like like minded, I think, because that can go, it can go.

So but we did do the time we did it, we had so much fun and there was I always thought I wasn't competitive, you know, because I'd sit in the outfield during baseball and eat candy. But when it came to that, I was very competitive, and I started doing well and I was getting very excited.

And that's when.

I threw the app away and and I had to start over and I ruined it. I'll never I was angry for two days, and then I realized, oh, I'm very competitive.

That's the one you were, because you were winning, Chris, and then something happened and you got up and stormed out of your own chin ups. It was hilleous and he was in the background doing chin ups while the rest of us finished the game.

It was fucking hilarious.

I turned into an angry jock and I thought that was the last thing.

I am, Oh, that is so funny. Wait, you like you you threw the game. You threw that.

You know you have to be playing with your phone and then seeing the results on the computer and I was swiping, I just well, I'm done with that, and I threw. I swiped the game away or I minimized it. Whatever I did, I kept and then it's like, well, that player's gone, and I'm like, no, I'm.

Until that point, you were kind of the hands down winner, which I was. I was loving because it was a very unifying. It was like sometimes a really bullshit answer would win that's just like Moose Dick, and you'd be like really okay. But then Chris would come in with these things that weren't unlike anyone else's answers, and everyone would just be.

Like, this is this is all.

We're all in unison on this one.

In a way, I was sort of baiting you to compliment me, and I can't believe you felt. The other thing was most people we are playing with, I knew some of their IMDb credits and I haven't written on shit, so I was like, I'm adequate. And then I but again a minor mistake got me fired.

Like from most riding rooms.

Chris an Achilles heel that is technology.

It gets the better of him.

I get very upset.

He gets it's hair trigger when it comes to tech thing that you can't which it happens everybody like I always just do the thing my mom used to do, which.

Is the computer's broken. It was never something she was doing.

Well, this is broken, as I always take it very personally.

Yeah, I had I had a friend Mac Primo, who's an artist in Brooklyn now, and when I remember we were hanging out, this was like in early early two thousands in New York City and where at his he has the same thing with technology where he was just like this incredibly funny, like you open man, very beautiful artist. But then if like technology went wrong, he would turn on a fucking dime. Like we were at his house. It was his party. He had a few drinks and

We're going to handle it?

Now?

We have no music?

And this is like nineteen ninety nine or two thousand, We don't have phone to play music.

Now the party doesn't have any music. You piece of ship. The fact that he stabbed it with a knife.

He stabbed it with with a switchblade. I love it and stabbed it.

Yes, did he have a switchblade in his back clocket?

No, it was his apartment and the switchblade was just like on it was nearby. It was like laying on like a counter. I always want to say a flat surface. It was laying on a flat surface, was slightly line service.

Oh she he just had knives taped to his ceiling. I have a lot of outbursts in this room. I'll tape a few knives to the scene. I have a lot in common with that guy, Chris.

Can I just ask because the visual of because people would go is Chris coming back.

And I think people are asking me, like because we're cohose of a podcast that I like, I'm like the he'll never.

Come back, Like I would never answer. But when you started doing chin ups in that on that bar back.

There in the doorway, I couldn't tell if you were doing it because it was the funniest, like as a picture shot. It was like you were a director. It was the funniest thing you could be doing. But were you aware?

Yeah, I mean it was a it was a comedic choice.

But also I was seething with anger, and that's the only time I do chin ups is when I'm upset. I've been pretty happy lately and you can really see it in my midsection.

Yeah. That so I've been thinking about that.

Since we had the whole swimming conversation, I feel like I can ask this question. I've been thinking about getting a pull up bar. My question is is it just going to sit there and I'm never going to use it?

Chris, I have.

An answer, and it is it's kind of an eyesore. And so you'll because you can remove it from the doorframe if you get the right cheap one that I did that could break at any moment and leave me on my back on the floor.

I leave it right. It's right behind me here. You can see. You can see it. I can see it. Why is my finger? It's weird. It's like shaving your neck in the mirror. You look like like a shortened DT. Yeah.

Every time I walk past it, I see it peripherally and I'm like, okay, let me just hammer out five or six or seven of these, just so that it's constantly there. It's hard to ignore it if it's always in your house.

But you have a.

Family and kids and you're not going to want you know, it will be like an unused hammock, just an iceore. But yeah, because I trip over yes, yes, or a yeah, I'm short and I can breathe under most obstructions. But but yeah, because it's there and always reminding me, I do use it more than you would I.

When I would take it.

Down, I'd be like to make the house look more livable because maybe people would come over. I'd forget about it for months and months. So if you leave it up, yeah, you'll be ripped. You'll have ball shoulders, striations, pecks. Karen, you just reached over and took a sip of something. Was that a Is it a professionally made thing or is that a home thing that you do.

No, this is in the early day of COVID.

I used to have a like just a big plastic drinking cup from Starbucks are reusable drinking cup with a straw, because that's the way. I will not drink water unless it's in a thing like this, so that I'm just kind of like, have it. I know it's covered, because if I have a glass of water and then I leave it on the table when I come back, I'm like, what if a moth was in there.

I always make up.

These weird stories of shit, shit that fell in that I can't see right now, but it'll I'll catch it in my mouth that's like my worst fear.

Yeah, there's always a hair. You know, those airborne hairs that you see in the sunlight.

Yes, they end up.

Falling into your water and you look down there, but what the sun yets it right, and you see there's hair in there.

This is all everything. It's all hair, the dermis. There's hair every tritus.

Yes, so I uh, the dermal layer that's in the air. So this is at the Ralphs near here. I was having a you know, it was Instacart and I was getting groceries. But then I know they have a big old kind of like home good section, like all kinds of different stuff, and I would just put on there like it was you know, it was basically like I just want a big tall cup with a straw. And the picture that was on there, I was like, I don't care what it looks like, just as long as

It is, I like it and beautiful.

It's it's haunting and hypnotic. I always know where it is, Like I can put it anywhere in the house. I'm like, it's right over there. It's like so, you know, but it's an eyesore, it is it.

Yeah, it looks so fancy. It looks really it looks like a pure refreshing drink.

Yeah.

It really looks like you're doing something nice for yourself.

And then visually it's it's like potpourri that you can drink beautiful.

Yeah, I guess that makes it look like the drink itself is really exciting, Like it's I see it looks like this. Oh, this is my high biscus cooler something like that.

Inside it's just pool temperature water.

This is chlorinated water. I love.

No hairs and hairs.

Just mosquitos, just leaves and mosquito.

I actually, though, will brag about that.

This is my big brag of lately, Like, my most exciting thing that's happened lately is I got this water filter water filtration system put in, and I don't know, I had never heard of this. I didn't know it was an option, but it was my therapist who told me about it. She was literally on on the zoom call with me one morning and she had a glass of water and she some juice. I just have to tell you, and then went into this thing that she go, I might not this might be illegal.

I might not be able to say things this year. She was like, but I swear to god.

She she had this water filtration system put in and it's basically like five more filters than your usual like whatever comes standard with the house.

And they use it at.

Like Burke Williams, they use it at Whole Foods, they use it at all these places, and it's like a local company.

So basically you have like bottled water, like.

Fiji level water coming out of your tap, so you can and any in any tap in the house, you can, like bathroom water is now the most delicious water I want.

Is great, and you can just drink straight from the shower, which everyone wants to do seriously.

Yeah. I brush my teeth, then I rinse, then I drink like kind of like a dog for a little while, just like kind of lap it up a.

Little bit the whole time peeing. Yeah.

I really want to get filtered water because my Brita isn't doing it.

And after watching.

Dark Water that that movie about DuPont and the cancer caught like everything insane carcinogen. Why I threw away pots and pans the other day, my old ones because of that. It's all about teflon. Yeah, and it's not about water. I don't know, it's not the same, but it makes me want to only drink filtered, highly filtered water.

Yeah.

So one of the first when I first moved to LA they did a they did a water they did some kind of test that they released the result of and there is rocket fuel in Los Angeles water. I mean this was the nineties, so they may have improved

Yeah.

No, I mean because I was totally brit up before.

I'm happy that they made it illegal to dump your rocket fuel in the street.

Yeah, I think that was although it's.

And I'm assuming that's why mine burst into Am I a child? I'm sorry I went there. I just say things and sometimes I wish.

Time for you to do some pull ups.

Yeah, I'm upset with myself. Excuse me while I work it out. Are you is there?

I know you're a parent, so you're probably a lot of your time is uh geared towards that. But during this quarantine of you, like Kurt discovered a new are you into something new or I know.

Just it is just parenting, and that's that's there.

That's that's what I would if I you know, it wasn't shooting blanks. I suppose, Uh, that's what I would do to keep it from keeping you from it.

The doctor hasn't confirmed that. I'm just guessing. No, I guess I've really picked up the the uh.

The beautiful hobby of driving aimlessly and not getting out of the car. That's a big one with the kids. I cannot stay.

In the house anymore.

Everybody in the car and then oh, we can't go anywhere because everything's closed or there's too many children at the playground for them to touch. So we just drive around and then come back. And then your kids out of the car.

Do they calm down? And like being in the car is that Well, it's.

Always you think it's going to be good, and it's bad because then the way to get to stop at the you know, you go to the playground and you're like, okay, please please, no children. No children are or at least not too many children. Then you get there and it's just like hundreds of children, all unmasked parents, and you're like no. And they see the playground and they're like playground and they see children, they're like friends.

And they're like friends are dangerous, right, and we just driving. Oh god, that's funny. Just dangle it in front of them. That's so funny.

And then you break into other people's backyards that have jungle gyms and stuff.

Yeah, well, Karen and I will tell you that being in a car only causes chaos. Yeah, that's what this podcast used to be. And look how calm and collect everything it's been today.

I do miss some.

I ran out of coffee the other day and I was going to go to Starbucks the drive through to go get some and I'm like, I don't want to go by myself.

Oh I Miss, I'm kidding, I Miss, I'm it. Start driving. Yeah, it feels weird to go through a Starbucks drive through by myself. Yeah, I'm gonna treat myself by myself.

You know what you do? You just pay for the person behind you. I see that in small towns people do that.

But what if you know someone's like I have to get a bunch of coffees for the office.

That's who i'd have in front of me. Someone that just got thirty coffees for their law firm.

All get the person in front of me. That'll be two hundred and ninety eight dollars.

Don't god damn it? Nuts.

Well, I mean this is usually how long our podcast is. Oh yeah, I am excellent.

We fat. That's good. That's a compliment, thank you. Yeah, it always is. It is a sign of having fun. Yeah it is. Y Stop arguing. Are you wearing a Touch and Go shirt?

I am, yeah, just this is actually a touch is actually a Touch and Go shirt from the movie The Big Sick that I chose to wear, and then I stole.

Oh yeah, you're in the Big Sick. That's a great movie. Everyone Kurt's in the Big Sick. We didn't mention that credit. At the top of the hour.

People aren't listening anymore.

They are.

They are there, are amazed.

They're on their beds, on their bellies, their legs are kicking in the air.

They love every moment.

We should have introduced Kurt as an Oscar movie Oscar winning movie co star.

Yeah right.

It was Oscar nominated screenplay and I was the onset writer. So what does that make me? Does that make an Oscar nominated onset writer?

I don't know, maybe.

It doesn't at all, To be honest, it doesn't no credit whatsoever.

Wasn't even invited, but.

He uh, well, I'm going to wrap it up here for all this it's time.

You've been great, I know I.

Was looking forward to this episode because you're fun and this was fun.

Plus yeah bananas ladies, and.

What network is it on a water coming after you? I've been wanting to say that for a while.

Thank you both. It's nice to see your faces. You've been listening to Do you need a Ride? D Y n A R?

Are leaving on? You want to way back? Either way?

We want to be.

There, doesn't matter how much baggage you clean us time and they turning on and Gabe, we want to send you off. Install le wanna welcome you back home. Tell us all about it.

We scared her?

Was it fine? Melbourne?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need

With Karen and Chris