Are you leave the I you wanna way back home? Either way, we want to be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a terminol and gay.
We want to.
Send you off InStyle.
You wanna welcome you back home?
Tell us all about it?
We scared? Or was it fine? Malcorn?
Do you need to ride?
Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?
Do you need to ride?
Do you need.
With Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need a ride?
This is Chris Fairbanks and this is Karen Kilgara.
We have a lot planned for today. Such a great plan.
The agenda goes on and on like a CBS receipt.
Well we're kidding, of course, there's nothing planned. I did by post it notes. However, they're still in the package.
Okay.
I just like the movie Romey and Michelle's high school reunion.
Look who doesn't remember when they lied and said the invented post it notes.
That's specific and fun. I love Phoebe.
That is such a good movie.
It is a good movie. It's fun, it's it's what's your favorite movie?
Is it?
Moana? Milana Milana.
We were talking about how good Molana is. We're talking about how good. I was gonna say, Sorry, Steve, I was gonna say Jurassic Her. But what I mean.
Is I watched it on an airplane and I was disturbing strangers because you were laughing so hard.
Ma'am, do you like the rocks? He's great, isn't he? All right? Get back to your sky mall.
Are you seeing this? Jack blackact like a teenage girl.
I mean, I know you're not hearing it because I'm using earphones, but he is great.
That's a It's a hard.
Role to play, you know, and Jack Black nailed it without offending anyone.
It's true. I feel it well because he means it. He's doing it with with love and respect. He's not It's not a joke to him. It's real to him. He's really that girl he went.
He had a deep character. It was great.
You can feel it. My method I find when I am quote.
Unquote woman passed holding what I very much believe to be a shotgun out the window.
No, casually to the right. They just went to a gun show.
It was wrapped in some kind of paper, but I saw the barrels, and she was very proud.
Even though we're in Los Ange.
Angels, it doesn't mean there's still there's all types of people here.
Should we try to go up there?
It was like an elephant musket with two barrels. What it was a giant?
Wait a second, do you think they're shooting Jumanji too? Right now? She's just a prop master, but the proudest prop master in Hollywood.
Well, you don't become the level of master without a little bit of pride.
You know. I know how it's a masterful prop person who wraps their guns in paper.
The more I think about it, and it may have been to a couple curtain rods.
But still she had kind of gun pride about those rocks.
Yeah, you're right there, there was a lot of pride.
She was being intimidatingly proud.
Yeah, she's gonna kill her an elephant.
If it's cgi with curtain rods.
I was I was going to surprise you guys because Tig said she would be on the episode today and then she got busy. But we're having this is just a teaser that she'll be on and then we can make up for that episode where I ruined everything, and the files were corrupted.
Chris, you ruin nothing, because if it didn't exist, no one missed it. Only you and I know the heartbreak of that episode. And it wasn't your fault.
But it was so good.
We all cried, We all were open and emotional. It was so great, and I've lost lost forever.
It's lost forever, but we can do it again, when we can do it better.
Did you ever hear the I listened to the files and it was the eeriest because you would start to hear our voices. Of course you have a Lamborghinian. Of course red lights don't apply.
And that person person ran straight up ran the most intricate intersection in Burbank where you do not run the red light. No, because you're basically taking a left in front of cars.
Uh.
Yeah, that was scary.
I really wanted that person to crash well and learn their lesson.
Well, then someone else would be heard as well.
Oh no, I'm hurt.
I just explain why crashes shouldn't happen. Yeah.
I could feel you're taking it personally. You're like, I've been in a crash, don't wish.
It upon me.
When I scream at someone uh, I say, I hope you hit a tree or something, just so they are the only ones.
Oh good, what about that tree though there?
Hey, as long as it's not a historic oak that's been recognized by the city, take it out.
Do you know that the camphor tree in front of my house has been recognized by the city and I'm not allowed to prone it. Only the city can touch it.
I wouldn't go near it. If it's a cancer tree.
It's camp for.
I've never heard it. I've never heard of it.
You've never heard of camph finique when you get like a caper store, that's camp for. It's from those trees.
Oh really, yes, well you know stuff.
I'm kind of lying a little bit.
Really, Oh god, I don't know what to believe.
One time I was leaving UCB and this motorcycle guy was clearly drying. He was like weaving, you know when motorcycles are weaving. Yeah, And he was like waving his arms at me. And I was at a light to merge, you know, sometimes they have lights. And he went around me and like looked back at me and flipped me off. Okay, And I had someone in the car with me, and I yelled I hope you hit a tree. Then I got on the freeway and god, a lot of my stories don't end well.
He was in the street. I don't think it's dead.
I looked online, but his motorcycle was in pieces, and there was a poor woman that felt responsible and I wanted to pull over and say, don't take this personally. He was being suicidal. Yeah, but I do. I will never forget that. I yelled that, so even though my windows were up, It's like, I feel very I feel a lot about.
That, I guess.
But you're not a wizard, right, I'm not.
I had quit doing that a while back.
And take that off your list.
And I can't turning everyone into a coat.
Yeah. See, even if you even if you're a wizard and you did wish it, you probably would have done it.
So you're a princess, and you're a princess and you're what have you done?
That's from Willow.
Did you see the movie The Witch that had black fill up the goat in it and at the end he said the goat the toxicain. Yeah.
I started to watch it and it.
Was spoiler alert.
Yeah. The person that made that made something else right? Yes, hereditary or something.
Yes, I think so so good.
Goats are scary.
Goats have lizard eyes.
They have perfect vertical rectangles for pupils.
No, thank you, No, there shouldn't be right angles in eyeball nature.
No, they look like two black triangles laying on each other, staring at you, asking for grain. So I grew up with a goat. We had a goat in our backyard named u B. Because Carol Channing was in a show in San Francisco, I'm positive I've told you this one. No, there's a local show in San Francisco about the about I believe he was a jazz musician named You Be Black, although that could be wrong. Also, so Carol Channing did the voice of the commercial for the show, and she go something.
It was like, whoa, Yeah, they're all doing it. Oh my god, after it today. They're really getting after it.
I mean, what you do is you stop driving, you fucking idiot.
Yep. Oh good, we're gonna make icon.
Oh my god.
Oh I love doing that. But I'm going to be smiling, you know what. I want to deal with it. Thank you for speeding up.
I mean, I want to deal with it. But he's not going to come up here because.
He's a frauds.
I'm trying to tell my story about Carol Channing.
Any way, mid you were about to do what I imagined, what's going to be an impression of her. And now now the expectations are built up, especially since I'm talking about this impression.
Yeah, and now you're scared to do it.
I don't want to do it.
Anyway, Ladies and gentlemen, Karen kil garretts Carol Channing.
Something like who the you thee? It was something like that, and we laughed every time we heard it on the radio. So when we got this goat, we named it Ubi And he had no ears. He was that kind of goat that had no ears, a pigmy, I think, or well, pigmy means small.
Yeah, no, it's but it was full.
Size, so it was just no ears. And though he's not a fighting goat.
What where did you I guess I didn't. I thought you lived in like a house in a neighborhood. Were you on a goat a friendly plot of land?
Yes.
When growing up we were way out in the countryside of Pedaloma. We kind of some people call it West Pedaloma. It's five miles out of town. Then when I was a senior in high school, my parents built a house like right in town. So then now they live in town.
And then you just had to goat in a penthouse.
Then we gave the we got the goat its own pen house downtown. We gave the goat or took the coat to my aunt Jean's house, who has lived on a big, like fifty acre ranch all my life. And so the goat became friends with her horse lady, who was old and just walking around in the field. And you be and lady lived together for like twenty more years and then they.
Both died, wow together with.
Yes, murder suicide.
Oh no, that's good. That was a good one. All right, let's up.
Oh gigs you guys later, there can't be you can't do the closer in the first fifteen minutes.
Yeah, that was poorly, poorly time, that was really quick. I just pictured the horse also stomping the goat and then like jumping off a clip, Like how would that even happen?
Yeah? Yeah, just because of hoofs and inability to hold a knife for gun.
Yeah, the planning that would have to go into it, It would have.
To be Hoof dance Hoof related. Oh man, Yeah, that's great.
Goats.
I feel bad for goats because they everyone I don't know.
I think they have a reputation for being kind of sinister because they always end up in the middle of pentagrams and everything.
And it's not their fault. They get beheaded at rituals and they're blood.
They're always blobed for certain gods, but for certain because so when I meet a goat, I'm like, I'm I'm I'm very nice to him because I know he's had a rough reputation.
Yeah, and they're always really sweet.
They're very sweet, unless you get one of those ones that likes to butt.
You all right, right, I forgot they do that.
They do that, and they also eat things that you don't want them to eat, like, you know, tin cans, Oh my precious cans.
Where is my can collection? That iach you bean, No, you know can.
Here's a dramatic story from childhood that I kind of
that was pretty amazing. Was one day, so we had we lived out on Eastman Lane and put Aluma out in the country, and there was we had a like an acre of land that our house sat on, and so then there was a fence line, and then there was like probably four or five acres of land, and then at the bottom of this hill, you know, it was like a half a mile away, there was like this weird compound and it was all these like almost like cabins in a circle, and it was this family
that were also kind of like a motorcycle gang. They were really sketchy, and my dad used to watch them through binoculars because like sometimes they would like have a bunch of motorcycles there and then you'd be like, what are they up to? Wha first responder, Yes, exactly, he needs to be ready. But for the most part they were quiet and just did their own thing, dealt meth
within their own community whatever. But one day, so there was a little girl that lived down there and she was much younger than me, but she did also go to my school, and her dog was this German shepherd, and it snuck up, it got out of their area, snuck up the field, snuck into our backyard and attacked our goat. And when dogs attack other animals like that, you have to shoot them because they get the taste of blood and then they're they're in there.
You're supposed to shoot your dog.
Yes, if if it attacks another animal like that, like it was. It attacked this goat like it was like to kill it. Only somehow you be survived. It was. But see here's the thing, stuff like that. When you live out in like farmland, you of this too. But like and my Anjean's ranch, we were used to animals dying a lot like there was not a lot of romance about animals. Well, and I know I want to go keep going up.
The base of a beautiful canyon. I know Los Angeles is kind of cool.
Well, and it was raining so much the last couple of days.
It's green up there. It gives you almost an Irish accent.
And look at the clouds right now. I think, sorry, let's go up here and see if we can get.
We need more of a vista.
I need point point. And we also need to stop talking about the sad deaths of I don't started it.
I started started it, and I have a lot more to say about it. I could do it all day.
It's another that we can't look at the moon. The moon's out already.
That's just global warming. The earth is confused. I went snowboarding for four days. I've just decided I have no responsibilities. And I went up to a cabin with my buddy Whitey, who shot million Comedy special, and there was four feet of snow, like literally wow, more than three feet of snow.
Close to literally a grammar school child of snow.
Yes, and I don't I haven't been around that much snow for since I was a kid. It was just and yeah, I kind of forgot until I was in it, and I was like, oh, this is how the earth used to be.
Yah, and I had the best my hip.
Works great even I was like jumping off little rocks and no pain, like I was really putting it to the tests, like I'm twenty but.
I'm not, and it said maybe you are even Yeah, I heard.
A little voice coming from the little little the moral ahead with a mouth and a cartoon. I'm so happy. But then of course it went from nine degrees to fifty degrees, poured rain, ruined half the snow, and it's like, oh, okay, it's the Earth is very confused right now.
Yeah, the Earth has no idea what the fuck's going on.
It was like watching something slowly melted.
Yeah, like losing an icy It.
Was like watching a snowman die.
It was like that Campbell's suit commercial where the snowman turns into the child.
Or the movie a Jack Frost where I'm a background actor where Michael Keaton dies and then haunts fatherly haunts a snowman and hangs out with.
His kids again. Eh, teaches them the snowboard?
Is that true?
Yeah?
Jack Frost, great movie, teaches them the snowboard.
And that was the last that was also in Trucky. I was in the same town that I did that background work uncredited.
Were you a snowboarder?
I was a snowboarder in the background.
Wow, everybody please please rent Jack Frost. Yes, skip to the snowboarding part. Look for nineties Chris Fairbanks. Yeah, do you have facial hair?
No? I was.
I was a young I went there to do art for this snowboard video making company. And right when I got there, I was staying in this guy's cabin, the guy that owned the company, and he said, could you put that kettle that was on like a pot belly stove. It's getting dry in here. Can you put some water in that kettle. I don't know how I was supposed
to do it, but it was. It was white hot, and I grabbed it and poured water into it, and it steamed my fingers and burned them so bad that it just I had my fulanities looked like chicken fat.
No, just big yellow lister fingers. Sorry, everybody, it was real gross, But I wrapped.
It in gauze and I had a great month of snowboarding with a highly burned finger that probably should have been seen by a doctor.
Did you do some drinking maybe to cover up that that pain?
I did everything For the first time.
It was a mountain town of retired lumberjacks or people running from problems or just getting out of prison. This one of the guys that owned the company, his friend from high school or something, had just gotten out of prison and all of us, and he looked like Matthew McConaughey, but he had face tattoos.
Maybe he didn't have face tattoos.
I made that up, but he just I could you can tell he's sketchy, like one one too, was not doing well in front or But when like when someone doesn't care that much but they're also handsome, it makes you think.
They've had a life of crime. Story in my life, Yeah, exactly. I get it, and he he was. He was a felon and I hung out with him every day and we had great times.
He was the most positive, happy to be out of prison guy, awesome and pretty good snowboarder.
For being in the house, the Big House, well he had.
The passion for it.
And one day he was, Oh, we are going I mean, we're driving into a flood zone.
Where are we look at this Partridge family house.
This is like it's like we're on Bizarro Laurel Canyon.
You're driving past rainbow houses that do not follow building codes.
And then there's like and here's Dracula's castle, like everything's made of stone here. Well, they have a dumb waiter they do, Oh my god, are you okay? It's a cart.
It's a cart that goes up and brings supplies so they don't ever have to leave.
They have the blood delivered. Then they drank it.
We were one night he's like, you want to watch a video, and he popped in a VHS and it was a porn that he made of himself and he had me watch it and I will.
He was coming on to you.
There was credits and everything.
Oh was he the director or not.
He made his own corns?
Was he in it? He was in it and starting and sitting next to me.
So he's sitting next.
To his audience member.
He was watch this and uh, and it was uh. And I watched and I'm like, good, good word, Oh that's a good performance. Comments.
Really you just powered through it.
I did. I watched it, like when am I? It's you? Han't said?
I think I didn't want to make him mad. I think he you know, he's a prison guy. Yes, I'm like, what, I don't want to watch her have sex. He's like, that's what the last guy said to me. And I spent fifteen years in your big house because he'd hurt my feelings about not wanting to.
See my porn.
Right, you just wanted to keep it in line.
Yeah, yeah, I just wanted to make the guy happy. And I'm like, oh, there you are with a boner.
Here we go.
I watched it, you boys in your high jinks.
What was I supposed to do? No, I don't know the VCR and throw it out the cabin window.
Well, because this second, that's cool, this second, yeah, that is a need.
I love it.
It's very seventies seventies. Yeah, yeah, this is crazy.
Oh, this is cool. And we are driving in a kind of a river.
Yeah, I don't where's this goddamn water coming from. Look at that fucking shelle. Oh that's a straight up shellet.
You guys just made of candy.
Because here's the thing. If somebody sits down and says, hey, look at this porn I'm in and puts it in, he didn't.
He just I found out it was a porn when I was watching it.
So you know, you're dealing with a weirdo off the bat, like you can't make any sudden.
Moves that day before that, he is a weirdo.
Okay, yeah, but I mean that really, that's really that's a topper right there. That's like a big move. Yeah, that's like, that's here, look at my dick. Watch me fuck someone.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's a lot to ask.
Yeah, and I really I'm always been pretty good at picking up vibes.
Like he wasn't looking at me on the corner. If it maybe he was.
Maybe you loved his performance so much you couldn't tell.
Yeah, he's just under the all sex society. The guy's a great actor. I really believe he was in love with these women.
I believed he had a huge living room with white leather couches. It's believable. Where are we look at this?
Yeah, twelve, this is a gang. You don't just have a fleet of black cars. Wow. Oh and we're probably on their hit list now they're real. One of them's silver. It's okay, okay, okay.
I think that's the Armenian.
That was a villian, that was a villain house. That was You don't just have a bunch of black sports cars.
I want to move up here now.
Yeah, I want a life of crime.
I want to get in with those people.
Oh, this would be a good place for me to make my own quarto.
And then showed around all my friends. Yeah, and solicited and surprisingly it's so that's like going up to someone and being like lifting your tongue and being like, look in here. It's just so private.
Yeah it was.
It was, and I thought it was very strange at the time. But I like a good story, and this is I do know.
That's the first time I've told it.
It is a good story, and you I definitely would have remembered that one.
Yeah, there's a prison.
The prison porn and my burnt fingers and uh, someone gave me a sugar cube one time and say here, and it was acid, and I was so That's how I did acid.
That was surprise. That was a surprise too.
That was also in Trucky.
It turns out it makes you feel good.
Turns out you giggle it nothing And I.
Went and I danced, and Reno and I break danced and did moves like drugs are.
Everyone had a hell of a drug. It was so fun.
And I went bungee jumping the next day still still high, and uh, you know, I died in flames into my hair.
I was just living, like god, damn. Yeah, you know. I was young. It was like twenty three.
There was two girls we went to college with who were from Trucky, who were so from Trucky, and I wish I could remember their names now, but they were like both blonde, and one was like the skinny version of a blonde girl from Trucky and one was like the big boob version of a girl from Trucky. It was they were like a little bit scary, but I also always wanted to drink with them. They didn't really like us that much, but we made them hang out with us anyway. It was hilarious. Oh and one of
them had a day bed. God, I hope one of them hears this and knows that. I remember they had day beds like in their rooms. And one had taken Christmas lights and written skid Row in Christmas lights over her bed.
Yes, the band.
She was such a such a fan of skid Row.
That's so awesome. What is a day bed?
Davids are the ones that look like weird. They like have brass around the outside, so it kind of looks like a version of a couch. Okay, and then you pull out. You can either sleep in it, but sometimes they have other mattresses on the bottom, so there's like two beds.
Okay, I gotcha. I know what it is.
Okay, Yeah, I just made a great invention though a bud day bed. You lay in it, you know the rest.
There's a but.
Do I have to.
Spell it out for you? You really don't? Okay, Oh my good, Please write that down for your comedy set.
Oh yeah, and you know what. I'm watching the edits of my special Thing. I realized I do. I'm like so juvenile with my topics. No, it's just dicks this and toilet this. I mean, I mean, there's that's what that's that's the stuff that people laugh at them.
That's the stuff that went the best.
Well, that's good comedy. But also you don't that's not the majority of what you do. You just sprinkle it in. Yeah, you were good at comedy.
Thank you.
It must be. I can't imagine. I can barely listen to like a listen back to a ten minute set. I'm like, why did I ever think I could do this anytime I listened to a set, So I can't imagine watching a special.
Yeah, that's how I know it went well because I don't.
I can't stand seeing myself and I'm pretty hard on myself.
And after that I felt okay. And then when I watched it, it was easy. It was okay for me to watch it.
We're near that on it now, so I know we keep shoving it now, peoples. But I'm very excited me too. I can't edit it by a fancy editor, and then it's get sound mixed by a fancy sound mixer guy that's done a bunch of stuff, love it.
Very excited.
Oh, this is where I was trying to go.
Oh, here we go. This is like a park.
Then yeah, yees yeah, basically it's like the I thought it's where we were before.
Oh, fire danger today they yes, they're smoking the bear.
He can smell a fire before it starts to the flame.
Oh is that true?
Smoking the bear. That's how he got his name.
That's how he's a super taster and the super smeller. He can't he doesn't like cilantro. And he knows where all the fires are. These are the fire Stephen that we were talking about Stephen on the ones and twos. We were talking about the Burbank fires before we left for our Australia trip. Now two years ago.
How long have you on my favorite murder?
Three years?
This is what this? January?
Yeah, January last month.
How long have we done this?
I think six years or five? But really often Season one was about five years four years long? Five years long?
Oh right?
Right?
Or sure? Sure?
Yeah? Not positive?
Yeah, that's where the fire was.
Yes, these are the hills that were all on fire.
Well, it made for interesting patchy vegetation.
Yeah.
I think they call it deforestation. Fires are a natural.
Occurrence, that's there.
They need to happen. Yes, it's good for the forest floor. It's good for future trees.
And don't just go out there because what we said and started throwing cigarettes willie nilly.
In dry bushes.
Oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no no no.
We're talking about lightning strikes or animals setting fires.
Yes, squirrels smoking that kind of stuff.
Goats clipping their hoofs together to create a spark.
Because Setan told them, told me to do it.
Look at that little girl. She's too young a girl.
She's golfing. She doesn't give us yet.
She's so funny.
God, yay modern girls.
Yeah, that looks. This is beautiful. Why have I never been here?
And there's look, there's a restaurant.
We're going to the Castaway.
The Castaway is this gorgeous restaurant. I've never been here, and I've lived in Burbank for fifteen years.
I wonder if it's now open. Oh there's a sign.
Yet, yes, there's a humongous sign. I look at this, Stephen, will you take this as beautiful?
Thank you?
Look at so there's the porch of the Castaway.
This is that's that's like the house from James Bond.
Yeah something, this is four romance. This is it's four romance only.
Well, yeah, you can't just go there old suit at the bar.
Yeah no, please my sweatpants and don't go with like a workmate that you don't have feelings about, right.
Right, not makes her it's a romantic workman.
Uh oh oh no, we're just oh god, sorry, we were just trying to look at them.
We're just looking at the view.
Turn around.
Thank you boy. Those guys had some fucking attitude.
Huh they can those old guys in suits. Oh, it's special occasions.
Yeah.
Kids love tuxedos, they just do. They love the tight neck and the time. This is really pretty. Yeah, it's like the place that's like I would go to eat there and then look at the look at the bill and then.
Go what what what?
What? Yes? I think I think they really goug you for this view, But it's kind.
Of what it's really beautiful.
Ya. Really tonight is whoever whoever did their made their reservation tonight was smart.
Yeah, why what's tonight?
That rod view?
Oh? Yeah, they were sweep.
At least check the weather because it's rained so much lately that it's all there's no pollution for you know, about a day and a.
Half yeah, it's great. Yeah, it is clear out.
Yeah, it's beautiful.
It's really This isn't a bad city. I'm tired of people. I mean, it has its problems, let's be honest. I don't like it, but it's beautiful so nearby you can just which is why, of course Hollywood was here. You can mimic the desert. You can mimic pine trees in Montana. Yeah, out by just Malibu. It's everything is here.
Yes, that's why people get such bad allergies because there's so many non native plants, because people brought in every kind of thing because it they had to because it was a desert.
That's why I have I actually did have a whole I don't know what to do with bee pollen, but I had to be pallen from where I'm from, and I was supposed to take scoops of it, and I don't know. My mom told me to put bee pollen in.
My mouth for better, for so you wouldn't get allergies. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, that makes sense.
I think so, But I don't want to experiment with pollen.
Why not. It's just like.
So I got to be surprised dancing yourself.
It was literally a whole thing of little yellow pellets that you see on little bee's knees.
Oh remember remember bees, remember alive?
These were cute.
Look at that. This looks like a shit. What's that artist where it's all like antiquity people laying around in marble? Oh things?
I don't know, but his work is at the Getty. Yes, yes, yeah.
It's all these clouds. Did you get this, Stephen? I love it.
It's beautiful.
It's so nice. You from my regular glasses, Stephen. Now it's getting too dark oh so pink. Yeah, it's getting too dark to them. We're these my prescription sunglasses.
How do you do it?
Pocket?
You're drinking coffee, you're reaching back, you're talking and driving and running into this car.
All I can do it, all I can crash us wild changing glasses. Whoops. Now we're in a dust storm. Oh yeah, from the mud, I'm sure.
Oh yeah that is what it is. Yeah.
I looked at houses up here when I moved to Burbank, and there were some great ones, and I really loved the idea of it, but it just felt weird. It just felt like it was a neighborhood of like families and adults and I didn't belong. Yeah.
Yeah, well you have your late night parties.
Oh god, all the intervenous drugs I use. They don't want that around.
In this neighborhood. That is nice. And it looks like affordable sort of no fence to these houses.
Well they've been I think they're like thirties, forties, fifties houses.
Yeah, it's sure, it is beautiful.
Look see he's taking a picture.
Of the sky.
Yeah, not just us is did he fix his hair to look like it's I did a costume where as a man stuck in the wind, and it looks like he did that to his hair, like I just.
Hair sprayed it and went to the side and taped a leaf.
To my face, like straight back.
It's the easiest costume member. You just take a suit, you put a wire hanger in the tie and have that shooting off to the side and gel all your hair into that direction, and then put leaves and newspapers on the side where the wind is hitting you. And it looks like a man in the wind. And it takes fifteen minutes.
And people love it.
I bet next Halloween or just an off season costume party.
Feel free to be a man in the wind even or a lady.
Okay, that's all I wanted to hear inclusion informission.
Please, yes that I bet you.
That's the kind of costume. People were just delighted with you everywhere you are.
Yeah, and it's easy.
I always have these costume ideas, and you know some other ones.
Why I was a walking toilet once.
I made a toilet out of paper rag molded it around my own toilet, and then I slipped into it. I made little foam rubber legs with little hinged knees, and those kind of dangled on top, and then my real legs became the legs of the toilet. So I put these white leggings on and they attached to the bottom of the toilet, and it really looked like a guy sitting on a walking toilet.
It looks so funny.
Everywhere I went, I just people threw money at me, and I won like three different costume contests I did. It was a non social Halloween. I went out and I made some money.
You made some ret money.
M hmm.
I love it.
Yeah, it was great.
There's a little toilet in the tank made from styrofoam, and there's toilet. There was like toilet paper and magazines on the tank. It was just it was the best idea I ever had. But with a guy in the wind, you can just go to the bathroom. This I had encased my torso and chicken wire which was cutting into my sides, and I couldn't.
Take it off and go to the bathroom.
Wow, Like I didn't think about the bathroom, right, Yeah?
Did you pee into your own paper mache toilet?
I don't, I mean, okay, that's yes, Yes, I was able to figure it out, but I think it involved ripping some hole in my in the toilet tights.
Oh yeah, okay, well look, you know, hey, I did what you sure did, and you can also do that.
You can make a little person like once I shave my legs and I was a little witch and I was on her shoulders and the witch was like kind of smiling and carrying me around, and that would.
Look very scary.
It was scary.
Yeah, yeah, it was very scary.
She was very sinister, and her back had to be hunched for me to be in there.
And were you acting like she took you against your will or that you were getting a wrong It.
Was a cooperative. Yeah.
Yeah, she had her little uh hands made of pantehose and foam, and they were holding onto my legs as if she was fall Now, I'm a good witch.
Let me study you.
That's funny. So it was like a witch mother. Yeah yeah, and you were her, You were her little witch baby.
You know these witches when they make candy houses to lower the children, they really are doing it out of me.
They really want just want to have kids.
Yeah, yeah, they they want to have kids so they can eat them.
Because yes, look at this.
Old Some people want to have kids so they can become little movie stars.
Yeah, that's true.
It's all a gross, beautiful house. Look at that ranch. I bet they have a goat.
I bet that it's a goat family that lives weird though all these houses were that one too. They clearly a dozen people live there. There was a parking lot. Yes, they had parking lines painted in their driveway, right. Yeah, some people get into it. Yeah I like it.
Yeah, I guess. I guess you'd have to live with a bunch of people in this economy.
Yeah. Well, and if you're shipping your whole family over from you know, there's a lot of direct from Armenia, Armenians that live in this neighborhood.
Oh, and also it's probably part of the tradition to be like, hey, stick with the family.
Yes, that's how it is.
In everywhere about America. In America, it's like, my parents are old.
See you guys later. I hope you don't lose your mind.
Thanks for money.
It's kind of but in you know, Japan and Native American people they live with to the point where it seemed to me, like in Montana on reservations, people did go to college or they did find a way out, and then there's this pressure to stay with the tribe, yes, and with the family, and it's and then there's you're like locked into this community even if you want to
get out. And it's kind of there's a really good documentary about I wish I knew the name of it, but all these these Native American kids that went to college and got degrees and then they just went back home and became cowboys and dealt with horses, and it's like you could be a doctor, but you're paying you got to stay with your parents.
Well, but also there's the that you know, those communities need people, I mean from what I know from the the murder side, where there's there's it's such there's such underserved communities and they don't have good help and representation and they don't have you know, police force and all those things. It's all it's all like you're on your own, as if it was their fucking choice. Yeah, you know, to be on a reservation, it's really fucked up.
Yeah, that's exactly right.
We were at a skate park that had just been built, and all these kids are like, finally they have something to do, and it's really cool.
I've talked about that before that. I love that one. I'll make a documentary about that.
But this kid had his hand wrapped and I was like, what happened in your hand? And he's like, oh, these older kids pushed me and I hurt my hand today.
And I'm like, oh no.
And then he was like, but my uncle went and beat one of them up, and they because they and then they retaliated against my grandpa and one of them cut off part of his ear, and I'm like, what are you talking about?
This all happened today.
And then right then these tribal police were rushing to arrest the kid's uncle.
Or his dad.
I know, I had a weird version of that story, but he just matter of factly it told me this happened. And then right then they had to wait for cops to come from somewhere else because yeah, there were no cops in Browning, right, they were like nearby.
It was just really, I'm like, you, sweet little boy.
I'm sorry that you are so calmly having to tell this story.
He's hurt hand.
Yeah, yeah, god, this is a bummer episode. I know, but hey, what are we supposed to do?
I know I tend to do this, but I'm making light of it.
I got you. You're not You're not speaking of cops.
Oh shit, everyone, where's that?
Get all over for podcasting?
Now? What tiny town?
It is as cute. It's Kenneth Village really, uh huh.
They have a commissary.
I know it's and that there's an Italian restaurant that's really good. That because my friend Karen Anderson lives down the street here and so we used to come here and eat. This is like a classic sixties strip, mall made of red.
Wow? Cool? This are we in La Corsana sort of?
No? No, we're a bourbonk Okay, this is Bourbank Glendale, Like we're moving into the onto the Glendale side of it.
I mean that looked like a tiny town that you would find in the Midwest.
Also, this is a graveyard.
Ghosts.
You can't see it though, because they.
Built a high No one wants to see that.
Nobody wants to look at it.
Wait.
Now, there was something we were waiting to talk about. What do you think.
Was it something that was a bummer?
Oh? It was a list of all my sad thoughts. Oh yeah, here we go, remember one to scroll all the pets I've had that have died.
Do you remember sort of the range of topics that it was.
It would end well, I think it was things that have gone on recently. Oh I just went to Honolulu.
Oh, yes, we were going to talk about Hawaii, Hawaii.
Because we had the best vacation.
And you said you spent the whole time wearing black long sleeve turtlenss.
Yes.
So because you're in the theater, turtle, miss.
Yes, I'm always running props for a play or ready.
To and uster.
Yes, always at the ready. I one day me Georgia. So it was me Georgia, her husband Vince and Lizzie Cooperman and Lizzie. We brought Lizzie with us.
I saw a picture of her and it's head waiian.
I thought it was like a no, no, awesome.
We brought her with us. It was super fun. So we went and stayed at this like Lizzie shared my room. We just hung out and then one day we tried. We were like, we stayed an extra day, so we were like, okay, we should actually do something touristy. So Vince booked us onto a cat like a Sunset catamaran cruise cool, and Lizzie immediately was like, I'm not going on that, and so she drops out. And then why she just didn't didn't want to?
Well I would, I mean I wouldn't maybe because I was I will get sick on that point.
Yes, right.
It looked like the kind of boat you definitely get sick on. It had been very windy when we got there, so I think we were all a tiny bit nervous. Then I go down to meet Georgia and Vince, and I don't hear. I realized lately, my have a very bad habit. If a text is longer than two lines, I will only read the first and last line. I don't want to the middle book.
What did I send you? Short bursts?
That's or that's the way to communicate. You know.
What I do though, because I don't like the phone constantly going off with each sentence.
What I do is I mute it. It's all one text to you.
But I put several spaces in between all my points.
That would be great for me. It's great, Okay, great if it's not too much of a pain for you. No, Because here's the thing, I just go like, Okay, I know what we're doing. I just always assume I know what's going on, and I never know what's going on, so I just scan things. And Vince very clearly said that catamaran the crews I booked us on is out in front of Dukes. I didn't know. I assumed Dukes was the restaurant down at our hotel. It was down the street. It was like ten minutes down the road.
There's multiple Dukes.
There's no, no, no, there's just the one I was assuming the place. I just made a bunch of weird assumptions for in a reason, sure there was a catamaran that you could get onto in front of our hotel directly, and I think he may have gestured toward it when we were talking about it, just to go like one of those. But I assumed once he did that, I was like, that's where we're going the end. I don't need to read any more information about it or even look into it, right. So I went down to get
on that one, and I'm standing. I didn't bring my hotel room key because I couldn't find it, and I didn't want to be late, which was a dumb choice, Like be a couple minutes later and make sure you have the thing that gets you in and around the entire hotel right right.
The most important part of hotel living, yes, and.
Even in the elevator, like all of it.
Yeh yeah.
And so I'm stuck in the pool area and I have to wait for those guys to get there to get me out of the gate and onto the beach. So I'm like, are you guys here or whatever? And they are assuming I'm coming down there. Uh, very crazy. So I'm standing there and I'm looking at all that there's a bunch of people in line. I'm watching people get out of the catamaran in tank tops and visors and shorts and sun dresses and I'm dressed like this, all black, long sleeve, Like it doesn't even fucking make
sense the way I'm dressed. And then I get the text that Vince was like, yeah, we don't see you, like you keep saying your hair, and then he goes, oh no. I'm like, I'm right here in front of the hotel. Then he's like oh no, and then he re sends me the text that had all the correct information, and I was just like, I'm.
Sorry, it's about dukes. That is a John Wayne museum.
I'm not just things I named dukes. But then I was just like have fun. And then they're like we don't want to go. Like everyone was like nobody really wanted to go. We were just doing touristy things, so we didn't feel bad right right right essentially, And but I was like, but doing touristy things makes me feel bad because I don't wear tank tops and I don't get on boats, and like none of that is anything that I am interested in. I just want to participate.
I know, no, I know.
I felt like when I was and Mallie, I should have been like, wait, I should be climbing waterfalls and swimming, and I did do some of that, but there's a lot of pressure to be as hawaii as you can while you're there.
Yes, and also just being like I'm super pale, I'd burn in one second. Like I don't like being in the sun at all. It makes me sick to my stomach. I don't wear clothes with trees or plants on them. I don't wear pink things or like. All of it was just made me feel like a little bit of a lunatic.
I would have to prepare, I would.
You got to get a bas tand yes, you got to hit the tanning move, get a nice bass tand and.
Then just get some kind of a low key sundress indoor, outdoor, nighttime, daytime, you know whatever. I just didn't have Miney.
It's funny when everyone, the locals and malle when last times and why they made fun of me for just owning socks. No that socks, it's flip flops. People were pointing and like, hey, nice socks. And then I realized because I only brought a few pair of socks. I went to one of those ABC stores that are everywhere there the best, and I asked if they sold socks and they just laughed in my face. Like socks are like snakes and Hawaii, they just don't exist.
Yeah, people don't bring them in.
Nope, you're not allowed to.
You can take your socks and your snakes and your soil and get get back to the mainland.
Turtle, HOWI howe?
Yeah, now when you when you stop being a howey Holly. That's from the movie North Shore.
Oh yeah, I know.
And that was a white guy that sounded like that. I know it sounded like I was doing him, but you were.
Doing an impression of a racist white guy.
No, this guy Turtle from North Shore. It's a great movie, okay, Yeah, a guy from Arizona that learns to surf in a wave pool and then he wins the big surf us Open or pipeline or whatever. Sure, yeah, it's a great movie, okay. And he's a graphic designer and that's how he pays for his lessons.
Now, north Shore? Would that then take place on o Wahu? Was it one of those like a like a big wave surfing competition.
Yeah, but like a lot of movies, it's probably just all took place in Maui, and that none of it was really true, Oh God.
And make locals sick to their stomach.
Yeah, oh man, that's not where the main hut is.
But can I ask, were you wearing flip flops with socks.
I do not wear flip flops. I'm opposed to them. I do not like how they feel. I do not like the blisters that happened between my toes. I don't like how they sound. I don't like the sound. I don't like flips. I don't like flops, and I don't like stubbing my fucking toe everywhere I go.
Okay, I do.
Like rhyming, but I don't like my telling. I do like shoes, and I do have.
Terrible I'm sorry, I'm a wordsmith.
A lot of people think that's an old timey version of comedy.
Oh can I tell you a story about flip flops in Hawaiian? Yes, I was wearing. I have flip flops because, as you know, and as I like to complain about, I have planter fascy itis on my feet now sure, which is a tightening of the muscle that goes from the bottom of your underneath your toes all the way up your hamstring to your butt, and it tightens up and then you can't walk. It hurts really nice.
You gotta just kick you get the blood in your leg.
Actually I was swimming there before when in the fall. I was swimming every morning and it was really helping. And then it got very cold and I was trying to turn the heater on and fight the cold. And then my poolman said, please don't do this anymore, okay, and so I turned the heat on.
One thing I like about him, he's so classy.
He's really classy. And he also always signs all of his like envelopes to me. He'll put like a note on my car that says please fill up the pool, and he always signs it mister poolman.
Oh really, yes, terrific. You do know I know your name.
I know your name. Circus is your name. You've been my circus. His name is Circus, not spelled like circus.
Oh god.
He's been my pullman for like ten years and he still is like from the poolman or mister poolman. I'm just like, I know you. We talk all the time. So we're in Hawaii. I'm wearing my special flip flops for Planter Fasciatus. They give you lots of arch support, but they're kind of rubbery, so they've got a crocs element to them.
But they're flip flops.
So they're a bit slippery. It's insanely windy and rainy. We're walking up to Starbucks. Lizzie and I are out like shopping, and I go, hey, can I go get a Starbucks? And she's like sure, and I'm like a couple steps ahead of her. I walk up the steps and on the third step, I don't lift my left foot high enough. My flip flop catches on the steps.
Flop move.
I start tripping and falling but catching myself, so I fall, catch myself, fall more, catch myself again, and then fall into the Starbucks front window, like just like a cartoon. We're like, literally it was this. It was so loud and it's a miracle that window didn't break because I fell against it hard.
What it did, Oh god.
It was that would actually be the perfect way for me to die. It would be like exactly right for meanders flip flop fiasco. It was God, it was so embarrassing. I didn't get Starbucks because I couldn't go in. And then I was thinking, okay, I was just telling myself that's probably just that side area that's like the hallway back to the bathroom. So but I bet you no one saw it. When I finally got the guts to
go to that Starbucks. It was the smallest Starbucks, and I basically fell into the window where everyone's just face you know.
From their point of view, it was just silent in there there listening to Sarah mclachlin's new compilation that they sell by them Mint yep. And then there's a big thud and then you just with a red face walking.
The opposite yep.
Oh did you did your face press against didn't.
My left cheek, my left arm, my left cheek. I mean, I was like, like it was ridiculous, oily impression. It was so embarrassing.
One time I saw this guy.
It was sad because he's older, but he had these bags of ice. Ice fell out of one and then he slipped on those ice and then dove and belly flopped on the other bag of ice and ice went everywhere and he.
Slid and I left right out. I was right there and I laughed at his fall. I couldn't help it, No, how could you not?
It's just all these elements lining up. If it didn't hurt, he would have appreciated it.
Was he hurt a little.
I think, so I just ran away. I just had to get away. It's it's so funny when people fall.
It's so funny when people think it's what I watch on Instagram.
I just I have a problem.
Have you seen the gifts? This is my favorite gift, and I think this girl did it on perfect right. No, I have the popcorn one. It's a girl inside what looks like it looks just like the movie theater at the Grove, but she's walking and holding a huge tub of popcorn, and she's and she basically walks, starts to like kind of starts to trip, and then basically like does three huge steps and then just bites it on her face like she's sliding into home bank.
Look at her. Look at that.
But don't you think she did it on purpose? There's no reason she did.
There is that might be there's a girl that falls publicly and it was early YouTube, and I think that's her.
I don't care.
She's physically talented at Oh, we almost did this is the intersection, Yes, and you almost pulled.
That guy called no, But I would never do you know that, thank you.
For putting your arm in front of me. I would have launched across the hood.
You would have gone right into this Starbucks window. Of my windshiet, I.
Would have tossed out like a human book bag.
Do you know that? That's one of the main reasons that my ex and I got together was he used to do falls like that in front of people on purpose all the time, really, and everyone thought it was real and it was one of my It was like
one of the most delightful things. He always did it because he'd always if we went to the beach, he'd be like, I'm gonna go jump in the water, and then when he would run out of the water, he would find like a pack of teenagers and run out of the water near them and then just fucking bite it on the beach and they would all laugh at him, and he would act like all hurt and sad, But he completely did on purpose. He used to do it
at work all the time too. He pretend to be calling someone and be like, oh hey, and like start jogging and then just like bite it on the carpet. Is really one of my favorite.
Yeah, it's a great my dad did that, and there was like a parent teacher thing, and I think I was in trouble for.
You know, I got in trouble sometimes.
And uh, and my dad to lighten the mood, and my friends knew he was kidding. But he fell down the like the marble stairs, like pretended his head was hitting him, but he just slid down him because it was so funny. And then everyone's concerned and then all of a sudden the focus wasn't on me or that's how the story.
Is going right now.
That's a good dad move, Yeah it is.
It's a good dad falls down the.
Stairs for his rebellious son, ye who won't listen.
Yeah, it's the best. Good job, Good job Jim, Good job Jim. Yeah, both are gyms.
We have two gym dads.
There's a Yeah, my dad's always the goddamn Jim. See that just came. That's one of my dumb jokes.
Is it in the special?
Yeah?
Can we find that level?
A lot of it isn't a lot of what I do. It didn't make it in because he was a good crowd and they were like, no, let's don't put that one in. And then if something was good they're like, yes that they were the best crowd.
That's great.
Yeah it was.
Uh, don't put that one.
Speaking of Jim's, there's a lot of a lot of requests for you to have your dad.
I would love it.
Yeah.
The only thing is, and I think I've told you this, but my dad is just like the Hello my Baby frog from that from that cartoon where you open the box and the frog dances and lives on the hat and then if somebody comes around, he won't do it. Yeah, of course, And that's what my dad's always been like. But I think if I trick my dad, if I get if I say can we do this? And he agrees, but then I don't tell him we're recording, right, that's going to be the key.
Yeah, that would be great.
Because I do that a lot. I've done it a couple of times where like he does a lot of impressions. Yeah, yeah, when we're watching TV, like somebody will come on, He'll start talking about how much he doesn't like that person. Then I'll do it impression. But if he knows I'm recording him, he thinks it's.
A good plan. Yeah.
Some of my funniest friends growing up, so funny, funnier than most comics I know. But yes, if you say, hey, tell that story or did, they can't. It's just like it takes practice to get comfortable doing that. I had to learned, and I used to get petrified. If someone's like, do the thing you did today, I'm like, well, now I can't.
You want it? You want me to do it?
That's funny because I've always done it. I think because my sister, Oh, I'm here, we go.
No, my sister own that guy didn't like that. We weren't going ninety. I hope you hit a tree.
I'm sorry, tree that deserves it, a bad tree. My sister always made me perform, so it was almost like I never thought there was a choice, right right. And my family would do it too. It'd be like, Karen stand up and sing that song, and I'd be like, well, I guess that's this is my job in the family.
And I don't know.
If it embarrasses you or what, but I when I saw you on America's Funny as Idiot or something where you submitted your own if you were a kid really or you were in your twenties, I was eighteen eighteen, I did and I know it was like a valley girl or something. I knew of you and I met you on like a party when I visited once and I saw that on TV. I'm like, that's how she got her start. Thank you, Bob Saga, thank you.
It was Dave Coolier. It was that old god even older.
When I did just for laughs, he shut up and did his jackalope. He brought a little rabbit head with antlers and did.
His fastest fast convey your can't catch.
Me from funniest American videos and from Canada whatever it was all, and it was.
The crowd was just like, uh, they were in shock. And it did not go well.
No, I bet it didn't. People don't want that shit. No, they already had it.
I want that shit.
They don't want unheated leftovers. No thanks, I'm on the comedy Festival.
Not cool ah, not cool cool eh, I'm coolieh God.
We've been heartbreaking.
We've been bromming people out. Primarily, we've been.
Very critical of a lot of things that maybe we shouldn't even be talking about. Sure, sure, we've gone into areas we've never gone into before.
Have I said things I'll regret?
We'll find out. We'll find out if the price is right.
Oh, I hope I get some tweets.
Anything to plug Chris any appearances.
Oh, I just thought of something. I just booked some shows in San Francisco at the Shelton Theater. It's a show called Cheaper Than Therapy. I'm there from February twenty first to the twenty fourth, So go to that if you live in the Bay Area.
And then we have we're going to have a very special guest coming up soon.
Yeah. I may or may not have alluded to that earlier. If you don't.
Remember dance, you're probably kind rewind.
How about you? What are you? What are you doing?
We just we're doing shows on the road.
Yeah, so check theater near you.
Check a theater near you. But I am going to be at the I'm going to be at Largo on March fourth doing the Squars Live podcast. I think that's something people can go to if they want to.
Sure.
Oh you know what, I just did erotic fan fiction the other night. Oh that's pretty fun and I'd never done it before. It was to improvise one given to you on this Yeah. Yeah, the pre written stuff.
That's not for me.
No, I did the improvise one. I did one about Mark Zuckerberg making toast sexually and it was super fun.
It is fun. It also has the potential to not be fun.
That's why that show when it goes well kind of like setlist where you have to make up jokes based on some words.
When it goes well, you really appreciate it. Yeah, like you did.
Something because I feel like it could have been one of two ways.
No, I've had it go both ways and one and sweaty, and then it's really sweaty like now.
But well then it's good to see you.
Yes, you're too, my friend.
Good to see you, Stephen, to see you.
Thank you, Steven, you've been listening.
Do you need a ride? D y n A?
Are angry? Neighbor? Are leaving? I you wanna way back home? Either way, we want to be there.
Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a turmano and gage. We want to send you off inside.
We want to welcome you back home.
Tell us all about it.
We scared her? Was it fine.
Now? Porn?
Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?
Do you need to ride?
Do you need to ride?
Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need.
With Karen and Chris MHM