S2 - Ep. 57 - Kyle Mizono

Are you leave in I you wanna way back home? Either way, we want to be there. Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a terminol and gay a. We want to send you off InStyle. We want to welcome you back home. Tell us all about it. We scared her?

Was it fine? Now? Porn?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Ride?

Do you need.

With Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need to ride? This is Chris Fairbanks.

And this is Karen Tilgariff.

We we planned today to just re reiterate what our original mission statement was for the sake of our guest and for those tuning in for the first time.

There might be someone out there. This is a podcast where we drive comedians in our car and record in it like a mobile studio. Sometimes we're in the olden days to the tour from the airport. Isn't that correct, Karen?

It is.

I affirm that what you just said is true.

We had to stop doing it when the Great Quarantine of twenty twenty began. Yeah, although we has been great, it has been a gorgeous core for me. Anyway, I've come back to myself. I've rested, I've relaxed, my skin's cleared up. But you know, so it's the concept of this podcast has changed, but the spirit remains the same. Yes, and so with that, I think we should introduce our guest today.

Yes, yes, I just wanted to say that off the bet.

I mean, we always assume that it's repeat listeners, but there might be someone new. What if they choose this episode and they're like, what part of this is about giving a ride? I'm furious.

Yeah, I'm confused. I don't get it.

Why did I saw this on a Facebook ad and now I clicked over? None of this is making sense. It's a terrible christ Did I tell you I bought a bunch of Facebook ads?

Yeah? Oh yeah, yeah. My phone's blowing up.

So please welcome our guests for today, brilliant comedian and all around wonderful personality, Kyle Mazona.

Hello, thank you coming me.

You're welcome. Did I pronounce your last name correctly?

Well? How did you say it? Justzona? Yeah? Great?

Okay, good.

Every time I go into any introduction like that, this right before I say anyone's.

Name, I go, I don't actually know how to pronounce this.

I do it every time, even if it's the name of someone that I grew up with and I've known my entire life.

A slight panic, I it's a hang up. I have a slight panic overcomes me. What if I forgot this name of someone I've known thirty years.

Yeah, that's why I can't do like hosting, so like just butcher everybody's name because I get so nervous, like yeah, no, O can't do it.

Do you have a moment in your life where you remember going, Because I do where I totally was drawing a blank and I had to pretend to have abdominal pain and lean forward. And as I was leaning forward, pretending to be in pain, I remembered the guy's name, and so it's like, oh, sorry, everyone, Kenny Smith, now I remember his name.

Usually I just like.

You just go, you introduce the Why when I introduce people, I think that's when I'll always get like a little nervous, So I'll usually just introduce the person that I know and then just be like, okay, you want to build that.

In yeah, yeah, just take your cue. Yeah, I'm just getting my part. So then.

I've done that so many times where it's it's people that I've known for a long time, like there's no like you're saying Chris, like there's no excuse where there's like a pause, and sometimes there's people.

This is why I hate parties.

This is why I don't go out a lot of time, because if it were happening to me, I would just see it and say my name and be like, yeah, there's something's happening with that person and I need to

You guys would love each other.

You just start filling in where you want the conversation to go and hope to God they say it.

I've done it so many times it's bad.

I just start listing the interests, showing off how much I do know about each person with that, so it bypasses me forgetting a word. Really, I mean, if I could defend forgetting someone's name for a minute. It's just a word applied to a person. It doesn't mean that I don't love them and that I don't think about them sometimes. I just forgot this one word that they grew up with. It's a word.

It's a word we all have about words. I feel like Kyle, I remember your name very well. I mean I felt really strong about it as I did it, and then I went, oh shit, am I am?

I over?

Am I getting too cocky about this? But the reason I remember your name and remember you so well is because long ago, I would say it was like eight years ago, around Christmas time, I was home at my parents' house in Northern California, and I was asked to do a show at the Lost Weekend Video Store, which is this cool spot in the Mission District in San Francisco. And it was booked with like a handful of Bay Area comics and there was a perh, no names will

You were so good.

That nice.

It was a really nice because usually I feel like I called the.

Energy, you did not was it? So that's right at all?

And all the other people it was a really you know because the last weekend video store. It was this downstairs thing, so I think there was about thirty seats.

You know.

It was like very intimate, and I was very worried. I was really nervous and I wanted to do well. It was when I was doing my comedy songs, which I had a lot of shame about being like a guitar comic, so there was I it was I had a lot of tension and I wanted it to be awesome. I wanted it to be great, and it really was.

And you did that bit.

I'm not gonna be able to remember like the details, but you did a thing where you acted something out while you played a song that was kind of like your closer, Do.

You know what I'm talking about.

I feel like I used to do so many like real.

Like it was so fun. Bit, yeah, I do.

It could have been maybe like a was it Prince or something?

I think so I think so whatever, it was it just destroyed. It was just such a great thing to watch, and that was just like we were, we were back to this deal.

It was just good time.

And Kyle, I, it's just all truthful because I remember when Karen first told me about.

This personally, just personally, she's not blowing smoke.

Now I've heard that story and that I can confirm its truth.

Mm hmmm.

That is really nice because truthfully, I'm always I think that with like the type of comedy I like to do, it's really hit or miss. But that's like a good environment that is very open to that kind of thing.

But you know, I definitely have sucked the.

Energy out of her room more.

I just watched a clip of yours about your your screen name? Is that something you don't like anymore?

Well, I just like because I feel like I've just changed so much. It's just very hard to I try to take down any like leave any stand up up on even though I feel.

Like that's what stand in it.

I know, I'm embarrassed about some of it.

There's bits that are twenty years old that evolved that are just in their premature stage floating around on YouTube, and I think about them all the time.

I understand. I understand it's.

Good to show an arc.

I get that sometimes where I'm just like I'm so ashamed or whatever. But then it's like, but then people can actually see you, you know, it's comedy. Does take a lot of doing to get to a place where you're like, yeah, watch this shit, you know what I mean, Like, yeah, it takes a while, so we have we all start somewhere.

Yeah, there were only ten minutes of my act that I would feel proud to show someone.

Chris, what can you do the bit that you're talking about for Kyle, Let's see you do it and see if it's any good.

Around the time before she chose this screen name, a lot of girls, a lot of kids were designating themselves with T shirts whether or not they were an angel or a devil. Even sometimes kids would.

Get so specific where the shirt would say ninety percent angel, ten percent devil, So they were they were more complicated children, sure, But but Kyle knew that she was a devil. Okay, She's like, and my user name is definitely going to let people know that I'm evil inside. And around that same time, the phrase da bomb was being used a lot. She was fond of that phrase, so she thought, why not combine that I'm a devil with the phrase to bomb and go with duh devil. But when you read

And then and then the next joke, it's very hard to do.

These are really good. You actually made it better.

I'm happy with how much I remembered, considering I don't remember names.

Now I'll do a bit of Chris's. Chris was masturbating one time.

Oh is this my boloney in the mattress joke?

No, I was trying to do the parents the parents doorway joke. But I think I screwed it up.

No, No, yeah, you did kind of bury the lead.

Yeah, I'll go ahead and cancel this performance. I can't ever remember. I remember doing doing shows and texting my friends. I remember texting Lizzie Cooperman one time and going, can you remember any jokes that you've ever seen me do? Because I was at a show and I couldn't remember how any of my jokes went. Yeah, I was just like, any have you seen me do anything recently that you thought was funny, and then she'd be like, there was this bubble and I'm like, that was just an intro.

I need hard jokes, just like what are you talking about?

Like there's something that's so I feel like people don't understand really how stressful and like taxing comedy is to your brain.

Yeah, knowing to make the right choices.

Yeah, no, I do disagree. Well she's like it's super easy.

Oh it's just my face, just my default face of I don't know. No. I mean, the weird thing is is that I think I when I started, I was doing more jokes.

But I think at this point, I mean this during quarantine, I haven't I stopped doing any Zoom shows, so I have not been before me at all. So me, I don't even when things get back to normal, who knows what I'll be doing. But I kind of like towards the end was like or before Quarantine, was getting to a point where it's like I just want to put on little comedy plays.

I don't want to write jokes. I just hate having a notebook. I don't really it sounds funny and then you say it.

And people don't like it. It's not a joke. So I just want to do like child. Let you know, So I don't really know. I've just never been a joke right, I've never really understood how to construct something. But although you really constructed my joke that it sounded more like a joke at your words.

Well that's because I'm the same as you.

I don't ever write a joke out and think, oh, there's a perfectly formed joke that I'm going to recite. It's something that I finished the writing through performing it the way you say it. Yeah, And so I fall back on that to where I just go on stage with premises and see, like, well, let's see if I think of a funny way to end this, you know, the punchline the most important part. I leave that up to chance or defense mechanism ability to just conjure something

Well it's the hardest, but isn't that the best feeling when you do discover something on stage, like when you're in it and then it does come to you like the hardest way it could come to you, and then it actually does. Like I remember I've written tags on stage and then felt like I wanted to fucking punch someone in the face. I felt so powerful, just like, did you fucking hear what I just made up?

Like that was perfect?

Like that's what I was always in it for, but it didn't happen that often.

I just that was that was the high I was chasing.

Karen celebrates with violence.

That's a party to me. That's what I like.

Was that that joke that you wish I hadn't brought up, Kyle? Was that at the Cheaper Than Therapy Show?

You know?

I think that was a Hello Giggle show?

Oh okay, I think you're right, yeah, which I.

Don't really know what that really was. I think it was just Hello Giggles put on a show.

Yeah, was dead hand send the host?

I don't even I don't remember.

Have you done that Cheaper than Therapy?

Show?

Is Cheaper than Therapy? In San Francisco?

It is?

Yeah, And for some I'm just wanting it to have been there because it looks like the same place, but it's there's no microphone.

Yeah oh yeah, right, show is.

So that show is so funny. You always feel what you're putting on a one man show.

What I've never known.

Like when you see someone doing a late night show and they have like a Janet Jackson mike and they're just sticulated and they're moving their hands around. I'm like, I don't know. I would put my hands in my pocket. I So it was good for me because you are, Yeah, it feels like you're giving a presentation all of a sudden you have to project and speak from your diaphragm and things.

That's drama teachers. That's the last time I had a lesson high school.

Wait, so is this a show that's in a Is this like a home San Francisco home showy thing? Is that where you're from originally?

Yeah, from San Francisco.

Yes, it's downtown and it's like the back But for whatever reason, they don't have a microphone.

I think they might now and it horrified me just going into it. But after a couple shows, because I did like a week there by the end, I think it helped me because all of a sudden, I was figuring out where I needed to project and maybe use, you know, just innate performance things that I don't always think about. At the end of it, I feel like it made me better, Like I rely on technology for my comedy.

I think I rely on the project.

Well, you get comfortable and used to it being a certain way.

I remember one time I had to do a set and the mic it was, the mic.

Stand was prepped for a musician that was going after me, So.

The mic cord was wrapped all the way around, like it literally was wrapped around the mic stand fifty five times. Like I wasn't going to stand there and undo the whole thing. So I had to be a comic that stands in front of the mic stand, which I've never done in my life, and it fucked me up so bad in the weird where I went, oh wow, that's a real make or break element.

So wait, will you?

But first of all, you tell will you tell us about the because I don't know anything about this show, So Kyle, will you tell us about whatever the show is?

The Cuberta in Therapy. Yeah?

Is it just a regular show just how to mind up?

It's just I think it's just so you just remember it because there's no mic, and that's like part of it.

Like they're like, okay, you're gonna go.

But I think there was a stool, which is interesting that they have a stool but they didn't have.

The mic, so you could go out there.

And it definitely messed me up because I think something about that room, I feel like, really required me to have jokes and punchlines, and I think I kind of was like, I'm just going to figure out what I do there. But I don't think that's the kind of space for that. Yeah, unless you're really funny.

It makes you. It made me do stand up differently, and in the end I was happy for it.

But yeah, there's a stool. You feel like you should be doing space work. You feel like you should.

Be wearing a black turtleneck, like like.

An actually theater that's like a one man show. Yeah, it's not stand upon, but.

It worked, I'm telling I. In my opinion, it worked.

It's just it was very scary to do it for the first couple shows.

Yeah, yeah, sounds a bad. Was it Like a bunch of seats. There were pretty big rooms.

Two rooms fifteen people, yeah, fifty and one maybe seventy five to eighty in the other I don't know why, I had to say.

And no mics in either, no mics anywhere.

Yeah, no MIC's to be found.

It was that's very san Francisco.

I'm sorry to judge, but that is that's some San Francisco bullshit.

I promise you it was good. It just was very scary at first. And I think they do have microphones now. Oh yeah, so obviously road trip. Yeah, I wonder what let's go, let's get up there.

So Kyle, you haven't did you try these zoom shows for a little while.

I did, But I think that this is probably bad to say as because I feel like as a performer, you're suposed to be like you grind or you know, your hardy, and I just think that the Zoom It's like I have already a problem of phoning things in because I do like to just go on stage and just sort of write down something and figure it out, which go really bad. And so Zoom is bad for

A joke idea off of that.

Yeah, you can do the exact same thing where you're just holding up your dog like, look, it's my dog. And then it's like, this is just like one of those dog videos that people share on social.

Media, but it's happening right now. You know something a lot.

I'm not saying it's a hard joke, but I'm saying conceptually, if you want to do like a joke play like you were saying before, it's like real, a real life dog video. Yeah, but it's but it's happening in front of you. What's better than a dog video on YouTube? Well, it's this dog.

This is real a dog.

Zoominct would just beloquism route and oh yeah, put words in the dog's mouth. That sounds fun.

It's actually kind of what I did.

I knew it was good.

It was a lot of waste of time.

Well, the host was like, well that's it, so yeah, I'm gonna go.

Yeah, I know you're s Every time I had done a zoom show. I feel like it just evolved into me doing a tour of my house, just.

Walking around with an iPad. Here's some wallpaper I put up. If I tell a joke, I'm not going to hear any laps. That's the issue.

Yes, there's no energy to kind of feed off of it.

It is good. I'll keep trying.

Yeah, tell stories or show pets.

I think it's also I perform a lot off of anxiety and like being nervous, and that really kind of does something for me. So if I'm in my house, it's like I feel so I need to feel like see you know, yes.

Yes, are there things to do to feel unsafe Like I used to once I got comfortable on stage, I would just drink a ton of coffee to manufacture Oh yeah, I get unsafe, jittery, anxious feeling that I need right now, right now to.

Do that for this to seem like alive. But yeah, I used to drink red Bull, which was really bad.

Yeah, but man, it just works, or if not psychologically I was a real red Bull. I would drink red Bull or I'd run around the block before shows.

Oh a little bit sweaty, you have a little bit of a glow.

Every time I run around the Yes, sweaty people love a sweaty performer.

It means yes, they're professional. Yeah.

Every time I've run or been forced to run because I'm late or something. My dream is to just run to a venue in the door and immediately run on stage, so there's no downtime. You're not in a green room, uh, you know, making conversation or having questions asked. I just want to run into the building, do the set, and then run the fuck out the back door when I'm done.

You'll get there, Okay, really, Karen, Yes, your dreams are going to come through.

You'll be able to run.

Yeah.

Or it's that or you end up just telling stories like That's what the Zoom shows have done for me.

So maybe that's a good thing to come from it. Oh, I'm a storyteller, now, you know you can.

Do all these storytelling shows.

Yeah, I don't have any story.

I don't don't have stories. There's Dad evil.

Dad Evil is the fucking goals You start with that that that whole show.

Opens up to you.

I really liked it.

It's really funny.

Wait, can you do you remember the thing I'm talking about with the Prince and the music cue.

I think just say it.

Think what it was was I would play so last weekend. It was pretty cool because you could like hook up your phone. It was such a small space. I could hook up my phone and hold it while I was on stage.

So I think what it was was the thing. There's two things I used to do.

One thing was I used to hide behind a curtain and go poison.

So I don't know what.

I don't know what that how that like what how I even ended it. I think it just came out and was like hello.

And so wasn't playing it.

It could have been that one.

Or I would play like the beginning of a print song and then in this part just sort of like do a move and then just restart it and do the movie again.

Yes, that's what it was.

It was so good.

It was really good. The whole thing was good.

Though.

It was like a real.

You know what it is, And it's like, this doesn't happen that often, and I get so excited because also I always when I watch women do stand up, I get so excited for them. It doesn't happen. It's happened so much more often now. But I started in nineteen ninety and so be like one out of ten or

Now have to adjust to my thing.

Whereas like a really funny woman gets up and then you're just like that's right now that you know, like your mind has been opened and you don't have this kind of like you're not hanging out with the dudes like you're with the funny people, which is how it is usually for comics. So watching you do that, it was like that audience got they got readjusted to hilarity but also authenticity because you were just and maybe it was because you were like, you know that space is

Effortful at all.

It just really truly was just like, oh, I'm just gonna, you know, go up there and do my solid ten as myself, which they adored. It was just a great thing to see.

Thank you. Yeah, very nice.

Kyle.

Where are you right now? I see behind you some sort of give us your address.

Actually, I was going to be like in a like darker.

I feel embarrassed that I've been such a well hit space. This is like my boyfriend's little office area.

Well something, something needs to be performed in front of that that sheet I want to say a grain.

Yeah that's like gray cream ice cream self tape stuff, which.

Yeah I heard a nice warm gray is what you should do self tapes in front of And there it is.

I mean, I'm not good.

I just you know, you just got the I just got.

I'm like, at least it'll look like there's gray, you know, But I don't think the thing is very good.

But you know, again, that's just like a zoom. How can a self tape feel good? There's nothing it long ago when I used to do it there's nothing that made me feel dumber then being recorded being like, but Carol, I need you to give me that piece of paper, Like it's stupid.

It's a stupid thing to do.

It's a stupid thing for an adult to try really hard at. Like it's a setup in every way, Like, if you're not a dipshit, you should feel stupid acting by yourself into like an iPhone.

I think is that about acting in general? You should be ashamed of yourself. You should be you, and you're an adult. If you're ashamed, you're doing it right. If you're ashamed, you're smart. That's my one.

Yeah, it's just yeah, but at least I have the background.

So if you that's the only reason I brought it up is it seems like you're in a professional scenic.

I know it's really big, but you know, the acting stuf very professional.

Those setups have you done?

Like pre COVID have you had? Like, can you have a bad audition story? There's nothing I have.

There's nothing.

I love many bad auditions. I can't even.

Oh can you think of your worst most painful moment in an audition?

I mean, oh.

God, Okay, so I go to I went to this audition. I'm not a good storyteller too.

I just say that.

So if it really starts to thank you can just cut me off.

But we'll jump in. We'll jump in.

This is so bad, I mean.

The cool thing about it is that I recovered from it. I really thought that this is the end of my life. But so I go to this. I get this audition and it's like the next day and it's like too much.

I have a memorization problem.

I can't remember anything, and there's just no nothing I can do. So I'm like, oh, I'm fucked, but I'll just go because like they are always, people are always like just do it, just do it, you know, and You're like, I don't feel like this is good. This is a big opportunity for someone for me. So I go and then I immediately see like all of these like other Asian women comedians that I know, So I start to feel sort of comfortable, and I'm like, I'm

And then but no one people are coming in and out. But you know, from what I understood from the paper was like it was like straight to call back things. So you're with the producer, the director, but no one told me who I'd be reading with or anything like that. And so then they're like okay, Kyle, and I was like what okay? But no one coming out was telling what was going on.

And then I get in there and it's like Catherine Heigel and her face is so red, like she looks like she just got like some kind of people.

It's like really read. I was like, oh my god.

And she's like she introduces herself as Katie to make me feel comfortable, but just not knowing this information, I just got like very nervous because I was just like, no one told me I was reading with the lady who this is with, you know, like no one someone should have said something.

So I'm like, oh shit. And so she has to like read with me, like really close.

And there's this a moment where like I'm supposed to touch her boob in it because that's a comedy, you know, it's so funny for a woman to just touch a woman's boob.

Especially a celebrity, you gotta throw them up. It's totally normal, I.

Was going to say.

And especially when an Asian woman is doing it. You can tell. That's why they were casting it that way.

It's like, okay, supposed to be in Hegel's adopted sister.

Okay, Okay, that makes sense.

So it was to touch her boob, so I'm like, oh, I know that's coming, but I was so nervous. I could have been like, oh, hey, can I actually touch you?

Or I just is too nervous. So the moment came and I it's so bad when you can like hear yourself like you're carrying yourself out, so you're just like and you hear it like oh I saw I'm bad. I saw bad.

And then that moment came and then I was like, oh, don't do it. So I was like, no, I'm not going to do it, and then I waited and then I did it, and then there was another scene and they were like thank you, that's good. Leave and then she drove off the lot and didn't read with anyone else.

Oh did you sexually harass her out of the room?

I just I.

Didn't know, and then I was like, did why did no one tell me who had come out like that?

She was there if I could touch her or.

God?

And that horrified, horrified, And she looked really mad too that I touched her.

Well, that was just say it. That was probably just the skin peel.

She had also had her boobs, uh, chemically peels.

So you think no one, no one that day had had gone through with the boob caress.

You were the first, or maybe.

I had asked someone after and they're like, yeah, you should ask, yeah.

But that's hey to say.

It's important to the casting director should have gone no one's touching anybody today, that's all that the person in charge should have rained that in or not. That's very strange, like, and then you're already nervous. Here's what I hate about auditions.

Now.

I'm gonna fucking talk for ninety minutes because just hearing this story is bringing up all these old terrible feelings. It's you can't win, like there's it's all you're always doing it wrong somehow, you're always you know what I mean, It's always.

That awful feeling.

And I think people that are good at acting are the kind of people who can feel uncomfortable and have it not like directly hit them.

In the stomach, you know.

But I don't think comics are like that because I think we're built differently and that's why we do the thing we can do, and you can't just like turn around. And like I can remember almost every audition because everyone was terrible, and like, I like, this isn't in any way on par with how close that was. It's almost the opposite. But I got an audition once for Seinfeld.

To Yeah, I hope, I hope.

Uh the what are the fryer the deep fried Mexican curos?

No, it's the meat in Takita's, Takito's, I know.

So the first thing you do is walk up to her and say Taketo's and then she's like, no, that's okay, And then you're supposed to go, oh, I remember you, you're the lady that danced weird because I think I don't know, So finally get called in. The room is literally ten times bigger than any audition room I've ever been in. There is an arc of literally fifty people. Jerry Seinfeld is at the top of the arc. I'm sure Larry's Larry was in there too, but it was too early to recognize him.

Because you're in a highly school gym.

It was truly they were like I would say they were seventy five feet away from me. It was crazy and gigantic. They're like blah blah blah blah blah blah. And then the casting director's like, you're reading with me, and I'm like okay, and so they they're like, all right, start and then I so I turned around and walked up and I went takitos and I gave it like

Could you be less angry this time?

I actually get that a lot.

Do you, Yeah, because I just feel like I'm just They're like, can you see more happy?

No, I'm so unhappy right now?

Yeah.

When someone could you say that while smiling? I'm like, who talks while smiling? Serial serial killers? No one talks while smiling?

And like the stress of an actual like on the lot audition is so to me. It used to kill me. I would be By the time I got in that room, I was so livid, like I was being tortured by these people and I'm like supposed to be up here pretending that it's all casual, where it's like I'm trying to make rent you mothers, your rich assholes so stressful. Yeah, and so did Catherine Heigel ever sue you no.

But it is weird.

I broke out with the flu after, like immediately after I went home, and then I was like, well I caught something.

I don't know this from Catherine Heigel.

Sure, no, it's just so classic classic trauma flu.

Yes, yeah, yeah.

I had the one time.

This is no audition, but it was the only acting class I ever took in Austin, Texas. I mean I was a kid. I was twenty four, twenty three, and I it was a scene from Chasing Amy where where Ben Afleck or Ben Affleck, however you say his name, kisses Jason Lee to convince convince him he's gay. It's such a owned deaf movie. And this it was a time where I was, you know, it was still the nineties. I was nervous about kissing another boy man.

Yeah, yeah, I was.

And in addition to that, he had braces with little hooks for his rubber bands, so it added to my fear. So when but I went to his apartment and we ought, we like practiced, and then I would just be like and that's where all all kids, I'll do the kiss and he's like he's like yeah, yeah, okay. But in Yeah, when we did the presentation for the class. I fully ki like, I made out kissed him.

I went over the and she stopped me and said, oh, no, no, you don't really have to kiss. She just assumed that it's the same, it's the boob touch. How would I know that I wasn't supposed to kill my teeth on his braces? By the way, I came in with a nervous jolt, and I kind of, you know, our biggest fear with kissing someone with brace is my first time and I really, I really.

In acting classes, they're always telling things that you have to be comfortable with your body and you have to be willing to do you know, you're just the vessel or whatever. So I would think that the acting teacher would be if you didn't kiss the guy, the acting teacher would be like, hey, it's not about you, you know what I mean?

Like, yeah.

The idea that they would say that after the fact is like parameters nice people.

I think she said it was a brave choice and commended me, and that's when I knew, like, oh, I wasn't supposed to put my tongue in his mouth. I went all I didn't even like even if you had a real acting job, and you're doing a love scene if you don't really, they aren't really making out.

They're doing like a open mouth. Hey I met your husband at the wrap party or whatever. Let's not really kiss. Let's tom cruise kiss where it's less. And I'm getting it's I'm going into so much detail that I feel uncomfortable.

You should, I think you should feel uncomfortable.

The tongue aspect changes it.

I mean, I'm maybe I oh, it is exaggerating.

I forgot that was a joke. No T kissed him, God darn it. Yeah, hey, I just remembered. She said it was brave. So take that you too, I'm brave.

Did you get and did you graduate from that class? Did you get moved up?

I got?

I got cast in Chasing Amy soon to come out, I did, Yeah, I think I think I uh with Flying Colors. Also, it was the day after nine to eleven. That's when this happened. This was September twelfth, two thousand.

And one, So no one's ever going to remember.

No.

Yeah, we were like, I don't know when to get back to normalcy. They keep telling us to get back to normalcy. Let me start with thrusting my tongue into this poor unsuspecting actor's face. He liked it, he did, he must did he did? He wanted to Kyle.

Since this is a car driving podcast, do you have like do you have a favorite car? Do you have a like a car that did you? Did you drive down here from San Francisco when you moved to La Like what's your car relationship?

Are you passionate about driving?

My passionate about car?

Do you feel about vehicles?

No?

I feel well, I'm really I'm croned to a lot of accidents. I mean, I guess I shouldn't be proud of that, but I get to a lot of Actually.

This year I haven't. I think it's because of quarantine. But so I've been pretty good. I used to have a car.

Well, I used to smoke in this one car, and so that car really was like, oh, sorry my leg, I just got a cramp in my leg.

Oh no, currently yeah, well walk it off.

Oh I got it.

Okay, I'm good, says That's what I did when I couldn't remember that guy's name. Yeah, I thought you were doing that.

Yeah, I didn't want to talk about it.

That's your trauma.

Yeah, I had it. So I had that car. It was like a Honda Civic.

But I really like, it's really bad if you smoke in your car, because it really it's crazy, but it really burns your car.

Yeah, I don't know if you guys have ever, you know, yeah, you little you have the little like when you hold it up, you can like if you touch the ceiling, that felt burns immediately, that kind of stuff.

Yeah, I had like little holes and it just smelled.

So so then my new I have a different car, but it's now it smells okay, But I don't really I like driving, but I'm not very I guess again to accidents.

Well, it's just a practice thing.

I mean, you should just go since we're in quarantine, go to an empty parking lot, lay down your own orange cones.

I just just do a little practicing.

Are the are they when you get an accidents? Is it your fault or are they like rear ending people and stuff? Yeah, typically it's my fault. And I don't know what I think it's that I'm eight, I am like eighty. D im just well, actually my last accident was not my fault. It was because literally a big piece of wood on the freeway I drove it to my car.

What I was just driving and I want to say it was like a set of drawers or something.

Oh, no, I guess it.

Was just in the moment, I was just like, oh, that's a paper bag or it's going to fly away. So I could just drive into.

Well, the worst thing you can do is swerve right, and he hit another car.

So you did the right thing.

Yeah, So that was That was nice because I could just you know, it wasn't with someone else and I didn't have to feel you know, I feel like I've gotten a lot of weird situations where with like people who.

Are just strange.

And I had this one time I got into an accident and this it was with a teenage girl.

And then her dad.

I started crying, and then the teenage girl started crying, and then her dad came and he was like yelling at me. And then so I was I found this other guy and I'm like near the house, and I was like, could you come and help.

D like.

On my side, dad energy on the side, please wait, Where did you find this surrogate dad?

He was because I lived in like these little like bungalows, just like a guy who I think was like who works.

On the car, And it was just like, hey, can you come and help?

Oh, that's amazing.

And it was your fault or the teenage girl's fault.

It was my fault, but it was She was kind of swearing at me. It was very like verbal, like we were yelling at each other. It made me really like think about my life because I was like, I'm a.

Lot older and why am I doing? Why am I not handling this like an adult? Yeah?

You know, but it's scary.

It's so the last car accident I got into, I believe I was in my Honda Fit and I was on turning up from a street onto Franklin and I looked this way and there was no cars because it was like ten thirty at night. I look to the left, there's no cars. I look to the right, there's a car waiting to turn left onto the street I'm on.

So she and I were kind of staring at.

Each other because I was like, I'm at the stop sign, so she can go, but she wasn't going, and she wasn't going, and so then she waved me to go, so I went, and a car had been flying down Franklin and t boned into my car because I didn't look again to the left, because truly, the last time I looked, which was say, five seconds before, there was

It was so bizarre.

An ambulance came and I was like, can you My arm feels weird, and the guy's.

Like, your arm's not broken.

You're fine.

Like it was.

It was so dramatic and yet nothing actually happened.

And it's all the fault of this this random person that was giving you the go ahead.

It kind of was her fat strangers. Yeah, no, never just because someone's waiving you on. Yeah, that's the real point of my story, because that was a long story for kind of nothing.

Yeah.

The point is if somebody waves you to take a turn, don't just do it.

You have to check your.

That happens so often where they're like go go and I see them and they don't see that a car's coming.

I'm like, what are you trying to kill me? This is involuntary vehicular manslaughter.

You're a lady a trying to come in a car, you're eating and a bedding my dad.

It's this correct, it's turning into it citizens arrest.

That's what I think when I looked in Sacramento.

Used to get into rear end accidents all the time because I sped constantly, so I would always be slamming on the brakes, locking up and slamming into the.

Back of cars.

I did it so many times that my mom made me move home from Sacramento. It was a city, it was the city. It was making me crazy. But there's nothing. It's such a jarring, horrible experience. It's like it's so loud and it's so upsetting. And then you're right, Kyle, like you don't it's the most random person you're now combined with.

That's they're upset.

Yeah, and they're upset and eure upset and they rarely act chill.

Yeah. Yeah, it's that woman. The girl the dad ended up showing up my house trying to sue me. Oh my I caused her trauma.

So it was just like then I had to deal with this person, and then you know, that's the thing I don't like is that you don't know who you're going to deal with, and it's they're going to be like, hey, let's just figure this out like through insurance and so yeah, that's what skews me out about stuff.

Yeah, more often than not, that person's going to act like a unit lunatic, crazy person.

They're going to sing very high like a castrati. I don't know why, but it's what happen.

Yeah, that is Yeah, that's absolutely the scariest I don't I just want to I just stay in the car and say let's call the police and and not dealed with each other. I would rather do that because then they can deal with But in this city, but.

The police won't come.

They want someone.

You have to lie and say your your femur bone is sticking out. Sorry, sorry to be graphic, but that's what I've learned.

They really won't come.

And that's when when Karen and I started this podcast, I had I was just on the heels. I talked about it the first ten episodes, but I was. I was in a rear end accident where I sat had a light in the same car that she in that in a Honda fit and the same thing happened.

It got squished, but I was fine. There was smoke, and.

But I I we called the police and they just said, we are too busy.

Deal with it yourself. And so the tow truck driver of all people, was like, take a picture of the guy's license, take a picture of any insurance cards, and gave me a ride. He saved the day. That's nice man from Russia. I should thank him, but I don't know how. But he acted like my dad. He was my Russian dad that day.

Everyone should have triple A. It's not that expensive.

Yep, I do, and I learn my lesson.

It's very helpful, especially if you have a car that isn't doesn't have a warranty, or isn't on the newer side, or isn't a Honda. I'm such a believer in Honda's because you really they last forever and they rarely break down. But if you have a different kind of car, then you need you need to be able to call.

A tow truck guy because they will help you.

They will eat in my case, even emotionally.

Maybe more so.

Can you give my heart a lift? Did you, Kyle?

Are you from the Bay Area or am I just assuming that because oh yeah.

I'm from I was born and my parents are still in San Francisco. Uh huh.

But I just have been out here for a really long time. So when I started comedy, I would go back a lot. So a lot of times people thought I was started in the Bay Area but actually started here.

Oh really okay, yeah, which was like hard and terrible.

Yeah, if I agree, there is nowhere that scares me more than San Francisco for driving, just all, I don't think I would. I would rather drive in New York City, yeah, just all the.

Yeah, to stop at the at the apex of.

An incline and where everyone is rolling backwards to start up again. Nothing scares me more than like being stopped on an incline.

I don't. It made me not granted, I.

Will drive in the city know not to Like That's the thing about it is you learn from other drivers. You don't pull right up to the back of somebody if you're on a hill. You give people, like, you know, half a car length to roll a little bit. Yeah, I mean that's you know, you learn.

As you go. I drove so much when I lived in the city, I drunk drove around that.

People frown on it. But it is a way to get good at driving it.

Really, I'm not bragging or anything, but it is. I'm not saying it is a hard city. And it's also hard when there's because the streetcar tracks sometimes you don't know where you're like, I'm trying to turn left, but is it there? And am I is this right? And you know, like it messes up the lines sometimes.

But there's also the added fear of there is very high voltage of live electricity right under those tracks. Does anyone ever worry about that?

Isn't it up?

Yes, it's not underneath there could be yeah, well electricity on there from them running over them.

Right, It's so like static electricity.

It's static.

Just friction. There's kind of just electricity in the air.

Yeah, yeah, I know.

I'm I will forever be afraid of going over those tracks, at least in bare feet.

We're on a narrow real bicycle.

So, Kyle, so you're down here, what if you're not doing comedy in zooms? What have you been doing with your quarantine time?

Wow? I mean it's not like not a lot.

I mean I've been watching like I feel like I've been watching every movie yeah out there.

I mean I have a dog.

I got a dog, and that's sort of like taking up a sizeable amount of my time. But I think about it, I'm like, Wow, if I didn't have this dog, I probably would have like lots of more time.

But the dog is taking up a lot of time.

Okay, Yeah, I don't think in any other situation I'd be able to take care of like a really young dog. So yeah, I have a cute little His dame's Clam, really good names Clam, and he's a you know, it's really nice because I always this is really weird. This is I'm sure you guys are not going to believe this is true, but it really is true. When I was in middle school, my good friend in middle school said to me, you really could use an animal to

Child?

Yeah?

Really? Was it an indigo child?

What the hell?

But I genuinely, now that I have a dog, I'm like.

Oh, I think she was right, Like somebody really like could It's really helpful for me to have like this thing that I take care of.

So yeah.

I seriously thought about getting a dog or a cat at the beginning of Quarantine and didn't because I'm not supposed to. But I could have gotten away with it. But I'm like you now, I'm just watching every show knowing that it will be a bad made for TV Jason Statham action film. I still watch everything, but in the beginning I was discovering new hobbies. I'm just I've gone downhill. I'm really I really was looking forward to how I would find myself during this thing.

But I think you have time, though, buddy. I think you have at least one more year.

This late in the game, no joke. Yeah it's not late.

I think we should.

I'm just saying, if you wanted to get into like knitting, or if you did want to adopt an animal, you'll find that you have the time.

I think.

I don't think it's ending anytime, but since people are still going to restaurants and shit, like, how can it end?

Do you quit? You with your boyfriend Kyle?

That is a crazy thing too. We did it. I mean we had known each other for six months.

Oh wow, I love it, and so.

It was really just like, you know, it's like worked out you know. I think what helps is he's not in comedy, so he does is.

You know, thank god, thank God.

Yeah.

So it's like it feels I feel like, honestly, I've been I used to talk about how I kind of dreamt of this like Martha Stewart.

Like other life.

So I feel like, weirdly, it's like so separate from comedy. I feel like I've been living like some sort of life, non comedy life.

Yeah, and maybe that's good.

I think that is. I think it really is. Whether you pinpoint it, it is good for us, it is.

I've I've I'm and when that started, I was like, oh, I don't think I like myself well enough to be a catless home dweller. And I've been really impressed with my ability to enjoy this whole thing. You Has that been the case for you, Kyle? Are you kind of like I needed this in a weird way?

Yeah, yeah, I do.

I mean it's just like a reason to sort of like really disconnect. I mean, I'm really like so antisocial. I don't go to parties. I even if it's a good friend, they'll usually be like I understand.

Like I honestly, this has not been that hard for me.

I'm actually scared of what it comes back because I don't think. I think I've lost a lot of skills that I was trying belave.

Yeah, and I'm like, I think I'm going to be very weird.

Everybody else will too, though. That's the good news is everyone's lost skills. Everyone no one knows how to interact anymore. Like keep in mind that you're not the only one.

Yeah, but it's a weird.

It's a weird and I think healthy combination of everyone's going to be out of practice, but looming all where all feel like once things are normal, we have to at least try. You're going to make yourself go to parties now.

And everyone's going to be Everyone's going to be bad at it and it's going to be great.

No one's going to know.

How to talk.

People are just going to be a party, yeah, spilling drinks.

I don't know.

It's really weird because I'm like, I'm at an age where I feel like I should have some but I literally I forget how to speak, Like I got very strange.

Just I don't.

It's very weird. I can't. It's just something that I don't have. I just I don't know what I bet one on one.

I think, yeah, yeah, I think I don't trust anyone that is better with groups. We gotta nail the one on one thing first, it's the most important one.

I was just talking to my friend about this because they were like somebody talking about how everyone hates parties, like people love to say, oh, I can't deal with parties, but everybody feels that.

Way, and you have to kind of remember that.

That's what going in because I skipped everything I was invited to for the past five years. But then I moved into a new house and I like it so much that I wanted people to come over. So I

Also trying to power through. Then it makes it.

It's like it's very I used to always just be like, they're all so good at it and they're all so natural or whatever, and it's like you to remember, people are on tons of pills. People are miserable, they hate themselves so much. Everyone's very lonely, and they're just doing their fucking best.

Most people drag themselves to party.

Yeah, and that's what I'm saying now everyone, it's out in the open that we all feel that way. We're all popping pills. Yeah, we're all an pill.

Party to these you have to take a Xanax when you walk in the door.

No one's gonna be good at it anymore. It's great, there's no pressure. You got to go to these parties, Kyle.

As soon as small talk, everyone's going to be the most awkward.

No, it's no small talk. Can't think of anything to say, come on.

My friend says that because I told my friend, who's really social, I was like, what should how do I conquer this?

And she just smile?

So I just like to I just go, I'll go to a party, just just smile.

Does it work?

Just smile and bring an animal. Is it the same kid?

Well, I think like she just meant like it. Then it's just like you look at least inviting.

Yes, yes, yes, sometimes too. I don't know if you've ever done this trick, because I also wear glasses. If I am, I know I'm going to be nervous, I just take my glasses off so I can't see details of people's faces.

Wow, And it.

Really works because what my problem is is I see a react, I see a facial expression and immediately fill in the blank of what's happening where it's.

Like that guy hates me so much. I mean I must have said something rude to him in the nineties.

And I did, like this whole craziness where it's like when my glasses are off, it's truly just like kind of like a little circle floating in front of me where I'm just like, I don't know, frender foe, can't tell. Everything's possible, Like it really it makes a huge difference.

Yeah, you just you, mister magoo, your way through all the parties.

I do, which is kind of like what drinking is, except I don't drink anymore. But I think that's why some people pre you know, they pre party before they go somewhere where it's like, well, if you can't do that, you just take your glasses off and it's just acting like you love it. Just put your hands out a lot, and people look like, look at her, she's so glamorous and it looks like you're doing something interesting.

Just close your eyes, close your eyes and smile and just walk around a party and feel about.

Tell people you're.

Like a dancer or something where you're just like, she's from New York.

She's so whimsical.

Look she's already. I'm gonna say your performance art.

You're doing a site specific performance art piece at the party.

I don't know about you, guys, but I can't wait.

I can't wait.

Yeah, parties, I'm going to go to all of them.

I'm going to act so cool at that part and every party that we go to. Is there anything you want to plug? Yeah, like a thing that you have done that you want people to know about.

Derek's dead. You're in Derek'stead.

I just put it together a second ago, but I didn't want to, didn't you.

I love that movie?

You don't like them?

I are you? She's the delivers ashes too in this Uh it's you're great in it, and it's a it's a very memorable part, but like the perfect thing to be in a movie where you're in it for just a moment, but it's very memorable the way you just nonchalantly deliver these ashes and let him know with no emotion that his friend has done.

Whose movie is it?

I don't know how good my.

You're great in it? Yeah?

I didn't know you. Yeah, I didn't know who you were. And I was like, who's that? She's great. It's like he's being served, but he's being served ash.

Who Who's movie?

It's a Kurt Kurt Neil? Kurt Neil? Yeah, okay, it's called Derek's.

Dead aka andy Wood Mirror andy Wood exactly. He's the one that looks exactly like Andy Wood.

Oh does he really does? He does look like Andy Wood.

Okay, it's this thing. It's because I know andy Wood, but I don't know Kurt Neil. But then I've seen Kurt Neil and thought Andy Wood was being rude to me and then realize, oh, we don't know each other and that's not andy Wood.

Oh that's happened to me, so many times. Yes, Bizarro.

Andy Wood wrote and directed and I think directed this movie and I very much enjoyed it and you were great.

Not that that's your plug. I didn't mean to hijack your plug.

I know you.

Well.

Anna and Sarah Ga and I will have a podcast which I'm excited about. But it's I don't know when that's going to come out, but it's investigate investigation, investigative.

And investigative are investigating tell us the title.

The way we pitched it was like we were like, we want to investigate the ship. You're scared to investigate, and so it's like it's it's like mundane mysteries. So why you know a quarantine one, why do some people wore masks and some people were bandanas?

Is a personality thing or.

And you'll have experts on We just we want to go undercover a lot and also like give people things in like you know, Manila envelopes and.

You know, take pictures of spy on people.

So do you have like a beige rain coat that you're going to wear?

Hopefully it's you.

Should do it? Yeah, Bress like crime.

Talk, Yeah, will you let us know when that gets launched? Let us know, so we can tell our listeners. Now you can listen to it. Yes, do you think it'll be within the next year.

We've like kind of planned out all the episodes. We just have to get out into the field.

Oh right, yeah, yeah, it's going to be a big part and hopefully we're I think we're going to be able to do it through quarantine, but I don't, you know, hopefully, but yeah, hopefully.

I'll let you know when it's out.

When it's out or when it's about to be released, you and Anna should come on. Yeah, oh yeah, that'd be great.

Yes, I'd like she's being her around because she's like a little more spicy than me. So it really helps bring out my confidence because she's sort of like, you know, like that's why we're good friends, because she's kind of like the you know, personality, and I could just sort.

Of I think you're doing good.

When I first met her, I was like, she is sesty. I remember saying that, you.

Guys, she is fucking hilarious. She makes me laugh so hard, and her Twitter is so good.

She's funny.

Let's plug Anna Sarajani's Twitter.

I'm sorry to disappoint both of you. She is my favorite.

I agree. Thank you for being on Kyle, it was fased so much.

Yeah, that was delightful. Nice to see you too.

Yeah. I hope you guys are doing good and.

I am thank you.

I mean, you know, not really, but we'll talk about it differently.

We'll hear who ruined that show?

Oh yeah, stay on the zoom and I'll tell you the whole story. Do you want to know.

You've been listening to? Do you need a ride? Everybody? D Yan?

Are I need it?

Ah?

You want to way back home? Either way we want to be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim.

Give us time and the terminol and gay.

We want to send you off in style. Do you wanna welcome you back home? Tell us all about every scared? He was it fine? Malcorn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need little?

Little with Karen and cress

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