Are you leave in I you wanna way back home? Either way, we want to be there. Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and.
Give us time and a terminol and gay a. We want to send you off InStyle.
We want to welcome you back home. Tell us all about it.
We scared her? Was it fine?
Now?
Porn?
Do you need to ride?
Do you need to ride?
Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?
Do you need to ride.
With Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need a ride? This is Chris Fairbanks.
And this is Karen kill Gareth.
Oh that was professional, Thank you pal provision.
You're drunk again.
God damn it. And I even had anything to drink for two days. It's weird how it stays in your bloodstream.
Did you get drunk recently?
I mean sometimes to take the edge off, I'll have I'll crush a few white claws, sure to do my cameos, just to summon the the peppiness, the nice yeah, and then it ruins the whole next day. I'm not good at but no, I've been trying not to, to be honest, no judgments. I love drinking. I know that you're a fan of it, but you're not. You don't practice, that's right, Yeah, I preach. I still practice.
We should introduce our guests so she doesn't have to watch us talk to each other. Which is one of the weirder elements of podcasting is when you're the guest, you never know when it's your turn, right, it's always.
That's always like a weird thing.
It does it differently, and we right in the beginning, she was trying to show off at Chili's gift card and I cut her off. So now Fortune write.
Down, foot it down, ladies and gentlemen. We're so thrilled to have our guests for today. You know her and you love her. It's Fortune femster.
Hiiy. I feel so bad I mess up Chris's intro trying to brag about a Chili's gift card.
It's whatever you're most excited about. Let it just ride out of the gates.
Yeah, just tell us, what's the story? How did you get it? How gave it to you?
Listen? Well, first of all, if we were all in a car together post pandemic, we would be going there and I would be splurging on a triple Dipper for all of us.
Oh wait, what is that about to describe the Triple Dipper?
The Triple Dipper is, uh, it's their appetizer and you get three choices, and there's a list of things you can choose from, hence the Triple Dipper, and they all have dips. It could be boneless buffalo wings. I am not and I'm not getting paid by Chili's to say this. They have sliders of Southwestern eggirls. I just happened to be sitting here at my desk and saw this gift card. My mom usually sends them to me. Oh yeah, because.
She there's a quarantine. Does she know about the pandemic?
You should tell her?
Well, she doesn't know what to buy me. I'm a hard gift person to give gifts to because I don't like a lot of stuff. So she's just started sending like whatever gift cards in the grocery store. Yes, he just grabs it and goes that. I do think those present.
Those gift card stations are kind of brilliant because they solve problems. I feel like kids these days don't want you to buy you. Some don't want you to buy them something specific they want, like iTunes or yeah whatever.
Up cash just money? Yeah?
Does your mom ever just give you money?
Still occasionally, but then like thirty minutes later, she's like, I gotta go to the dentist and it's expensive, and I'm all like, well, here's one hundred.
Does this Chili's card help with your teeth?
Does your Chili's cards?
That's probably what's better. I get the gift cards. Then I don't have to give those back, that's right.
And I don't want to go back into this triple dipper conversation, but it seems like a menu item where they would boast the thousands of combinations because you have three dips, and then I'm guessing you have three different food items out of a dozen that they offer. So if you think it's around that, yeah, so it's three times a dozen. Okay, I guess I did the math.
Maybe ten things I can't, I'm not. I mean, I love it, but I haven't memorized them.
In you well, the formula, here's what you do. You get potato skins. It'd be amazing if I just listed off.
I think you're right. I think the last time I was at Chili's I did have potato skins.
I mean, I remember the first time I saw potato skins get served, you know, it was probably twelve or fourteen or something. I was just like, they've done it, They've made the perfect food. And sorry, no, no, no.
This is the best thing to interrupt you with because I've sung it before. But potato skins got extra tato appeal because they're made with potatoes and skins that are real. And then they list the that's a keypler el Yeah. Yeah, one of my jam bands we did food.
Rock college acappella group.
That song does go into an acapella because they go sour cream and cheddar something something chives you won't believe your eyes.
And then someone beat boxes yeah, yes, oh yeah, they.
Just have one culturally inappropriate elf beat boxing with a sideways hat.
Why would the keebler elves be involved in a potato skin at commercial?
Yeah, I don't know either.
Tato skins. I think they were called PoTA skins. They're chip oh those chips. Yeah. They were darker on one side and lighter on the other, much like a Chris pix. One side was the skin and the other side of the chip was the tater. So you're at them yeah. Yeah, well they did that because everyone knows the nutrients are in the skin. If you know anything about a baked potato and being forced to clean your plate, you have to eat that skin skin.
It's good for you. Yeah yeah, yeah, Well goodbye.
Well this has been a great podcast.
That's all I had to say.
We gave Chilis a lot of love.
I mean, on this podcast we say goodbye to uh conversation topics.
It wasn't I didn't doesn't going.
I mean, like, I feel like I'm a real snob and before quarantine, if somebody said, hey, can we all meet it Chili's, well I wouldn't. I would be like, sure, that sounds awesome. I can figure something out, but like, but overall, I would you know, I feel like I would have an elitist reaction, whereas now I would kill a human being to get to go to a Chili's normal.
Yeah, I would swerve and had a pedestrian if it was on the way to cracker barrel.
Just remember the days when we could share dips. Oh, it seems very dangerous now.
To lean over and gossip and eat dip. There's so much spit going. Don't think about it or care.
Jack's my partner hates. She's a big germophobe. She hates any sort of communal dip. She thinks it's the devil, and it's like my greatest joy in life. I go to a party and head straight to the dip. And the last time I did it not this year, so it wasn't a COVID situation. And the year before I got a terrible flu because someone had been digging in the dip. I didn't know that she was sick. I dug in the dip right after her. That night, she goes on Instagram post a big instance story of all
the cold medicines she's on. You know, like two days later, I was like out and I was sick for like three weeks.
Oh dude, it's so irresponsible.
You're it's so response you're.
Gonna be I think I will be. Do you think you'll ever permanently? You're altered as far as sharing dip, like from here on out.
I did not learn my lesson.
She refuses that lesson.
You know what's funny, I never thought twice about double dipping until that Seinfeld episode came out and people were like, it's disgusting or whatever.
I was like, Oh, this.
Entire time people have it like unnerved me. I'd never thought about it once. I'd gone in three four times on the single chip.
Oh never thought about it.
Yeah, me neither. Yeah, yeah, because you get the dip on a piece of the chip and then you have a whole half a chip that's lonely, yeah and needs dip right.
And just because it's been all the way in the back of your mouth doesn't mean you shouldn't shove it right back into this was.
As on it.
When I was younger or in my early twenties, I was always I had like, here's where I'll eat for free on Tuesday. Here's where I eat on Wednesday. And Wednesday was there was a free salsa bar at some happy hour and I would eat there every Wednesday. And it was a line of people and it was college kids, so there's a lot of dudes with dreadlocks all lining up and they sometimes didn't have people would use chips to put the cheese. There was rarely a ladle for
the cheese. It was the most communal when I think about it now, and I think I did get sick from that place multiple times, and I kept going.
Back wait sorry, was it free like a nacho bar or a salsa.
Bar, a nacho bar?
Yeah? Oh so you could like build your free nachos basically free. Yeah, yeah, would they do that? But it was it was so messy just to get college kids to drink. So what is this socialism?
I know? Why can't we go there? It was the beautiful late nineties. It's just yeah, we can't go back. I'm afraid, No, we cannot. No, there's no God.
That makes me think of Specs Bar in San Francisco and North Beach. They would lay out saltine crackers with a slice of mild cheddar cheese, and so just go cheddar cheese cracker, cheddar cheese cracker, and then you're supposed to go in and pick your cheddar cheese and cracker as you're sitting at the bar getting drunk, which is kind of fun, but then you realize it's like sweaty cheese, like every party you've gone to where cheese sits out,
like it's basically that cheese. But then in like a divy bar, it was hilarious and very unsanitary.
Yeah, what's your most dangerous communal eating situation?
Gosh?
I mean she kicked it off though, right, getting sick for three weeks. Yeah.
Yeah, North Carolina they had like troughs of chili. You know, it just seems like par for the course.
There was a late night eating situation in Portland where there was a cooking surface for everyone to use and they would actually give you raw meat, uh and you cook it yourself. That was a loophole to where they were serving food after midnight. I guess we're not serving it, they're cooking it. We're just providing the ingredients. There was I don't think it lasted long because you can't undercook chicken and just expect drunk hipster kids to cook their
own chicken. But it was so great at the time.
Again providing George Foreman grills for everyone.
Yeah, exactly, everywhere your best.
Here's the trough in case you get sick. That's gros. I'm sorry.
Yeah, there's a There was a bar in Sacramento, and it's unbelievable that I can't remember the name of it right now because we went there every weekend. But essentially there was free popcorn and movie popcorn, like super salty popcorn like the popcorn at Target is my favorite.
That is like I could have it all day. And I remember being there one time with my sister and I walked over and got some free popcorn and she came I came back, and she just slapped out of my hand. She's like frat boys spit in there.
Oh yeah, that's right, Like why would you be trusting a free kind of set out food at a bar where like college students go. We're clearly like spitting and pranking and ruining it for others.
Yeah, would be kind of part of the course.
Hey all eat it as long as the spit isn't from a fraternity, if it's a regular college kids academics frat boy.
Yes, yeah, yeah.
Popcorn is always because they give you the cardboard boat and everyone just uses that as the tool. So your hands, your fingers, back, your hand, you're just knuckling through the kernels.
So good though, it makes it saltier delicious.
These are the things we're having to rethink. It's a tough world out there.
Yeah, it is. I keep mentioning how bowling is over, but it is.
You think it's done, yeah.
Because the vaccine. Yeah, and it's going to come back with a vengeance.
Right, Everyone's going to be rolling strikes left and right. Everyone's going to be good at it.
It's just everyone's get real competitive about bowling.
If people only want.
The vaccine so they can go bowling, yep, that's right.
We just have to wait for all the NFL players to be vaccinated first and then.
Us are they? Is that the priority they go first?
Yeah? Yeah, politicians and athletes and then civilians if you're willing to drive to their sub zero refrigerator. I'm just guessing.
I'm guessing, right, it's like old people and sick people first. Then I think healthcare workers or switch those two. Yeah, then it's probably really rich people.
Yeah, true, very true.
Then then the commoners like like me, yeah, I'm a flannel.
Right, yeah, I'm a surf.
Then it's based on what plannel you're wearing.
So the nicer your flannel, the further to the front you get.
That will be interesting to see that how that rolls out.
Yeah yeah, I think no one knows.
Yeah, how could we know when there's no plan in place there never has been, and there's no leadership and it's a pandemic.
You guys, there's no plan. This is crazy.
It's just kind of like an improv class, but a pandemic.
Everybody, put your email on this din and sheet and we'll get a vaccine to you eventually.
Your number didn't get pulled from the fish bowl. I'm sorry, but you can get on stage next week.
We'll get you.
Yeah, I just actually got Oh, I can tell I can tell a good here's a good anecdote. I just went because I'm going to go up to have Thanksgiving with my my pod, my immediate family. But I was like, but my dad's old, so I'm going to get a test first, just to make sure, even though I haven't left my house or done anything and have been masked up all the time. So I went to the Dodger Stadium Testing Center, which is where kind of everybody in
LA is going. But I took the Google Maps directions there, so I had, like, because I am kind of familiar with like the Stadium Way exit, which is one of the worst. I won't get into it, one of the worst exits. If we were in the car, it would
be this would be a great topic. But if you're trying to get off of the five South onto Stadium Way, you have to cross over people who are trying to get onto the five South from wherever their entrance is, and it's literally it's two lanes of people trying to merge against four lanes of people trying to merge.
It's insanity.
That was my complaint with all of Texas. You're getting on a two way front feet or road, so you have to cross an oncoming lane of traffic and all they have is a yield sign. So it's up to them whether you live or die a stranger.
Yeah, and you can drink in your truck right in Texas.
Oh yeah, there's there's drive through boozebones.
Roadies danger.
So I get I make my everything's fine. I take Stadium Way exit and I'm just following what Google says.
And after a little while.
I can tell the car in front of me is just taking these turns that Google's telling me to take, and I'm like, this person knows where she's going, so
I'm just going where she's going. Yeah, And then we get up to the street that's the last right turn before you're on the street that takes you into Dodger Stadium, and I go around the streets blocked off on the side where we were supposed to take the right and she just goes around that guard and the cop that's standing next to it and drives up the wrong side of the street.
And keeps going up.
So I do too.
The cop doesn't even really look at us.
He doesn't like, isn't paying attention or doesn't care seemingly, so I'm just and also Google's telling me to do it, so I'm like, everything's fine, get up to the stop sign. I watch her car go into the staff area, and then the cop that watches her go by comes up to my car with his lock on his face kind of like, and I rolled my window down and he goes, yeah, what are you doing? He goes, you don't work here to do? And I said, no, this is this is
the way Google Maps told me to come. And he goes, no, no, this is the staff entrance and I go oh. He goes, wasn't there a cop down there? And I go, yeah, I guess now that you mentioned yeah there was, but I was just kind of following her, and he goes.
Well you just.
Yeah, like, don't pretend. But no he goes he goes, wow, well you just skipped an hour. Wait and then he goes, hold on, I'll stop traffic and he let me cut in, so I essentially there was the other way to go.
I would have been obviously at the back of the line of hundreds and hundreds of cars.
It's really crowded right now.
Yeah, yeah, it's so crowded. He let me cut into the top, so basically I took a rite and then I was basically you know, twentieth in line instead of like a thousand in line.
It was I.
Couldn't stop laughing. I was like, nothing like this ever happens to me.
This is the best.
Normally the cop would be like, turn around, get.
Out, turn around, lady crime that guy.
Right in there. It does Yeah, I mean, I don't know. It just felt good. I want to tell you guys about positive stuff. Happy.
No, I'm happy for you that you have that experience, because I'm a bit I'm a rule follower, and I freak out anytime I've done anything that might get reprimanded for me too. I would have started sweating and I literally yelled at this top.
I swear I wasn't cheating because I am the same way, like I fear any kind of I don't fear it. It's just a thing of like I don't want to be the bad one, right, So yeah, I was just like wait what, But then I was also loving it because I was totally prepared to wait for a really long time because I've seen it on the news, like it's you know, yeah, it's a that line is long.
I waited three hours once.
Yeah, he has it gotten longer because of the uptick.
Yeah. I've gone there a couple of weeks ago. I went there and there was no line and there was no line for voting. I just walked right in. But I lately, because of the new spike there, it's very popular to go get tested now, which is great.
Yeah, it's good.
I tried to go there, and I live right by Dodger Stadium, and it kind of just me to this other walk up testing place, which ironically was the most dangerous situation I've been in in months, other than the Joe Biden dance party.
Surround the people yeah yeah, no one was.
And then you get in a tent and you're supposed to cough. He's like, cough towards the street, not the sidewalk, and I'm like this is haphazard. Yeah no, yeah, cough towards the street, not the sidewalk. Those were words given to me. Aim your spittle. Yeah, be strategic with your spittle because there will be spittle. And uh yeah, someone came into my tent with me. I'm like, I think it's one at a time. I'm sorry. Yeah, don't do it on foot, okay.
Yeah, yeah, we've all become tattle tellers. Get on a mask. They're too close. But whatever, you gotta do, whatever you gotta do.
Have you been tested yet, fortune.
Yeah, I get I get tested fairly regularly because I started a new show. Oh good, So they have us go to a place where a nurse comes out and swabs your mouth and do.
You have you gotten the one where they stick it in your nose? Yeah?
I've done the nose one a couple of times. And I've done the equivalent of what you the Dodger one, but in Woodland Hills, So I've yeah, I've been because we were hunkered down pretty hardcore for a while, so there was no reason to get one for a while, wasn't in the last few months like we ended up. Uh well, we got married out of we decided out of nowhere and to plan a wedding in two and a half weeks. Nice, wait, what was that like the end of October.
Yeah, oh, congratulations, congratulations, Hey, thanks guys, that's great.
Yeah. We were we've been together five and a half years and we were gonna get married this summer anyway. We I mean, we hadn't planned anything, luckily, it was just going to be like a big party. And then obviously we were like, well that's not happening. Uh, and then we were well, to be honest, it was like this the Supreme Court thing shifted and we got nervous, and so we we didn't want and hopefully that it won't be an issue. Who knows, but we were like,
why wait and see, let's just yeah, get married. So we planned it in like two and a half weeks. We had like, uh, two of my best friends who are her best friends, and then we zoomed our parents and that was that was it. Oh wow, we got so we all got COVID tested, uh so that we could pod together nice sat day.
And where was was the officiant? Also on a zoom? Uh?
No she was from she was from like the same day marriage place. Uh that we found on the corner.
Yeah, it's like a lemonade stand.
I'm sorry I didn't realize you live in Las veg Guess when did that house?
It really is a place like that where it's it's close to where we live, and we passed by all the time and we would we would be like, oh that that that place. You know, I wonder why people are getting married same day, Like what's the circumstance? And then uh, we and they have like a little chapel that you can use, but you can also hire them to come somewhere, and uh, we found out that it's hard to get marriage licenses right now. A lot of
the courthouses aren't giving them out. You were gonna have to we were gonna have to go like an hour and a half away. But then there weren't any appointments like January and this place you just pay them a couple of hundred dollars and they take care of everything. And now I think it's the greatest place in Los Angeles.
It's that all they do are They also a notary and a place to buy car and.
It's also a Chili's, isn't it.
We got we're gonna trip our triples in lifetime together.
That's how you could met is you was like all your spit and chips and everything going across.
Ring. I think they're all they're just marriages, but they probably if you really needed a notary, I'm sure they also can.
Do that good because I've been looking for one. That was a selfish question.
You're like, I have no wor else to go but this marriage place. But I guess I get married so that she but she was that was outside, that part was outside, so she was masked up in away like six feet from us, and wow, all all responsibly and it was cool and it's been perfect. I'm like, people really don't need much more than this.
They really don't.
Did you propose in anywhere or was it just a conversation like about the legality being threatened on everything? Or did you get on did you have a proposed like get on a knee and everything.
Uh, well, we'd been engaged for like two and a half years, so.
Give us the engagement. What was the engagement story?
Yeah, well it wasn't. I could have done better.
Let's beginning.
Let's hear it.
What you do?
Well?
I wanted to take her to I love this place up near Santa Barbara called San Ya Cedra Ranch. It's really beautiful and very romantic, lots of beautiful flowers and cottages. And we had gone there early on in our relationship and probably too soon, like I got a deal and I didn't know how fancy this place was, and I was just like, let's go to Santa Barbara for the night. And we got there and it was like so romantic for being early on, and.
Early on, like three weeks in, were you scared like this could tip it.
If she were the wrong person for me, it would have been like this is over, you're creeping me out, this is too much. But luckily, luckily she was the right one. But she was like, wow, you really assumed a lot. I was, like it was on sale. I didn't. I didn't know it was this fancy. I didn't know it was.
A more than friend's establishment.
GROUPON did not specifying.
But now it's like they're normal prices. It's like twelve hundred a night and it wasn't anything near that when I it was like a wind, you know, it was like a Wednesday night or something that we went and uh and I got it like, you know, three days before, and so I was gonna propose there kind of full circle like ha ha, look it works out. The romance paid off, and uh, it was when all the mudslides were happy the fires and the mudslide so got they
are wiped out. Luckily they've rebuilt since then. But I like a week before we were supposed to go, they were like it doesn't exist anymore. And you're like, oh, so I took her to page actually recommended. Uh what is it called. It's up in Big sir, It's another post ranch in Yeah, wow, And uh so I was like, okay,
we'll go there. And I re I like really splurged and got a room on that had a full ocean view and it rained the entire time, and the fog was so heavy that you couldn't see your hand in front of your face, so you had no idea there was an ocean uh outside of our window that.
You were paying dearly for what I was paying.
So much more money for and uh and it was just like the whole We were there for two nights and it was like the whole time was things like that, Like everything was like a hair off.
And uh that don't you think that happens? Because it was so expensive.
I went to the same hotel and because it was this it was had a really stressful job.
The guy was going out with at the time.
It was like we're gonna get away or whatever, and I was like, this is really important to.
Me and I want it to be super fancy.
So I was gonna pay for because I was making more money, and every.
Every single thing we did, I was just.
Like, not worth it, not worth it.
Not worth this room. It's like it's nice room, It's not worth the money. This is nice. Not worth So I think for I'm the kind of person where I'm like, it's I'm not comfortable being a big spender unless I know for a fact it's going to be like exactly the best thing in the world. It's so expensive, I know.
And it was like at dinner. At dinner that we went to their nice restaurant and the like she hated everything over the menu and I was like, you know that was that was supposed to be like the romantic dinner lating to the proposal and uh, and so she's just like everything's disgusting.
I like, just eat the quail, like cool, cool, cool cool, And then I tell I tell the waiter or I had asked them to, like, hey, while we're at dinner, can you like put like rose petals in the room and candles and stuff.
They're like, got it, got it? And uh, So I tell the waiter, I'm like, hey, this is what I'm planning on doing. If if uh don't, you know, don't ask her for dessert because I'm doing it later, but can you just give me a thumbs up when the room's ready? And he's like, got it, got it. And so we're eating this meal that she hates and uh and then he's like, do you guys want dessert? And I'm like we're good and he's like he kept trying to get her to get dessert and I'm like, it's fine,
don't don't worry about it. And then he eventually the room was ready and he goes over Jacqueline's head and he's like thumbs up, like like, oh my god. So the room's finally ready. We get to the room and it looked like they had taken every like dead rose petal that they had and not even like, you know, gently placed them on the like it was just like the room had thrown up dead white, white rose petals to like a funeral, like a funeral, not even romantic red.
And then no, the candles were tea lights and all the batteries were like dying there. They did put the fire on, it was like raging and it melted all of the chocolate strawbirds. No, that was the dessert. And so we came in the room and both of us were just like, what's happened? It was like a funeral had to happen. And I mean, I'm telling you, I've
never seen more rose petals in my life. And so I just like, awkwardly, I should have just been like, let's just do this over, you know, some other time, but I just like nerve, was like I had all this stuff planned, and I was just like, g you won't tom me.
Your whole face is red from the fire.
Yeah, I'm like feeding your melted shrubbers.
I see.
It was pretty Uh it never goes as you plan, I.
Guess, yeah, yeah, I can't. It's just funny that they weren't fresh. If they were dry, I imagine I'm going with like a shop back and just vacuuming a rose bush and then bringing it up to the room, pushing reverse and blowing everything. Why is there a receipt in here from eighty seven Romantic?
Like you guys didn't have one red rose could have made a heart with something.
Don't you think that's it?
I think that all my perfectionism issues come up when I know I'm spending all this money, where it's like, I'm spending all this money, How did you not do this exactly to what I would want?
Yeah, and it's because it's still just a hotel.
It's still just a you know what I mean, You're basically paying to be on that strip of land that's on the correct side of the highway where you can see the ocean right exactly.
How these beautiful views I mean crazy?
No, it's you're right to be people should be held accountable when they charge a lot and should be held accountable. People accountability in this country. It just goes down a terrible but I appreciate it even more and mentioned it when I haven't paid a lot and something's good, and then I sound cheap because I'm like, I can't believe how inexpensive this was. And I really like this free nacho dip.
It tastes like your breath.
Okay, Second, I did learn about my about myself because I always yeah, I'm a silly person. I'm a comedian, but I always thought I, you know, was deep to a certain extemp. But having to like do that, like say like important words that romantic was very difficult.
Yeah, and I.
Felt very vulnerable and dumb, and not because I loved her, I wanted to marry her, but just.
That act of like sure, I don't know, total exposure and also kind of like that's the one time you cannot make a joke. You have to get the job done without sarcasm or yeah, silliness or anything.
Yeah.
It reminds me of how at funerals, like Karen and I both we just killed like it was a comedy show. Like I killed at my mom's funeral.
I literally it was our child my childhood church filled entirely filled, and it was like.
One of the greatest sets I've ever had.
Yeah, very memorable, greats.
When it's inappropriate, I will do my job.
I tend to laugh when I'm uncomfortable too, like, and people will be like, and I'm like, I promise, I know that this is a serious and hard, but this is how my body's dealing with it.
Yeah.
I was.
I was almost in my friend Jay Johnston was driving. I think I was on a double date, him and his girlfriend and me and the person I was on the date with, and we're going down I think it was the five and he was driving so fat. He was going like almost one hundred miles an hour and weaving in and out of cars, and we were all trying.
To be casual about it, but it was very scary.
And then at one point he went to get in one lane and there was just a stop truck in front of us, and he had to like he had to basically just change lanes really really fast, hoping that there was no car. And every day the other two people in the car screamed and I started laughing.
I was just like, oh my god, we're gonna die like this.
Like on no way. Oh man, that's so scary. I had a friend do that once where we were driving and she thought she could change lanes and be a giant like garbage truck, and she didn't realize there was a car in the parked in the lane, and she you know, decided to go for it and gunned it, and I felt my body like lift out of my body and then like like almost prepping for death. And then she like narrowly missed the garbage truck and we
made it. I came back like I had like a whoopee Goldberg like ghost.
Moment, warpy gold barge so crazy.
We were driving down Pico one time. It was one of the first times my sister visited me in Los Angeles, and this car basically it was almost like a similar situation, except for we were the garbage truck. So a guy tried to go around us, and then he swerved in because you know, he couldn't go and so basically, just because my sister watched what he was doing and saw, like saw the whole situation, she started slowing down. So
then he just there. He just kind of came across and they barely like our cars were so close to each other, and then he like got but then we basically had to come to a stoplight and we were then in the separate lanes again. And we came to the stop light. My sister rolls down the window and just kind of the turns of a sudden goes you could have killed us, the guy because I was like, what are you doing rolling down the window? We're in
Los Angeles, like whatever. She just like like like the third grade teacher that she is.
She just goda killed us.
You could have killed us.
I want you to think about what you did.
Yeah, there's no other way to react to that though, other than you're a kid in trouble in school. If someone is able to nail that delivery, even like a hardened gang member would be like, I'm sorry, man, I'm sorry.
Am I Yes, that's literally what the guy did, because it was like, yeah, if you don't yell, because if you yell, I'll just yell back. Yeah, it'll just get mad at you. It's like, you could have killed us. She's yeah, very upsetting.
Yeah, never yell. Always be quiet and disappointed.
I yell so much when I'm driving. It's good that we're getting back to the theme of the show that we don't do anymore and kind of have forgotten about entirely.
But so many car stories.
Finally we got into the area Fortune.
Wants to talk. Yeah.
Yeah, but I realized lately, and it might be also just being kind of like pent up and not being around human beings, that I'm becoming a lunatic. But like what I drove the other day, like when I was trying to merge onto Stadium Way or whatever, I was yelling at almost every car around me.
It was like, no one, no one kind of knows how to drive anymore.
Yeah, people get real sloppy, and it's and I'm livid the entire time. There's like a lot of yelling inside the car with windows rolled up.
Yeah, people are bad now. It's not like getting back on a bicycle. People do not know how to but they're also doing risky, aggressive things like oh, I'm going to turn left in front of this oncoming lane. It's like you would not have done that eight months ago, sir, I know you.
So Yeah, everyone's like out of practice or something.
Yeah, like yeah, and they're angry. They had to spend several months wiping down groceries ya, taking it out, taking it out on us.
The beginning of this quarantine, when I was wiping I was first of all going to the grocery store.
I then we've talked about this a little bit.
The first time I had to wear a mask in a grocery store, I had a full panic attack.
I was just like, I can't breathe in this man like and then I was.
I went there to get specific things I'd forgotten what I needed. I was just grabbing stuff and running. It was so crazy. And then yeah, that that whole thing of I knew people that were wiping stuff down outside of the house.
Bringing it in Jack's was really oh yeah, because she's leave it.
There for thirty minutes and then she would get it like surgical masks and gloves and get it and just like take it to the back porch and wipe it all down.
This is gonna sound like a joke, but I bought a head of lettuce and I swear I wiped it down with hand sanitizer and didn't rinse it off enough. And after that, salad, I think I was kind of drunk.
You probably you probably created a vaccine for yourself.
Yeah, yeah, bleach salad, come and get it.
I have a theory though. Do you think Jack's with the germophobia? Does she have parents any parents that are doctors or nurses?
Oh no, but her mom's a big germophobe too, so yeah, I mean they're they're the kind that would like take Q tips and clean corners of things. Oh shit, Yeah, okay, I'm not no like me really, yeah, I'm very pristine over here. But no, yeah, it's not a for Yeah, somehow it's just like a it's not a medical thing, but it's that cleanliness and germ.
Combo which I get, which comes.
In handy in a pandemic, but in I mean normal life, you're like, I gotta do that. Oh my god, I wash my hands again.
Yeah, yeah, where are you subsessively taking a shower every day?
It's crazy.
And she's a kindergarten teacher, so it was like I was her kindergarten student that wouldn't wash her hands enough.
Well, and also teachers, I mean, my sister would get sick constantly, like she knew the cycle of like the school year starts six weeks in show get a cold, right, they'll all have colds like it's yeah, that's the that's the jerneyest colds and lice.
Yeah, and children are disgusting so much snot.
The sun is very much coming in my room right, like angelic.
It's like almost like the best ring light. You look like you're about to do a makeup tutorial.
Fortune. Do not walk into that light. No, it's God. Do not look at God.
You died.
You died.
That garbage truck hit you.
I died, and I'm doing podcasts.
After Yeah, that's that would make sense.
Purgatory is just guesting on podcast podcasts.
You got to promote myself.
Welcome back to Pearly Gates.
Now. Speaking of promotion, George and I were just talking about this because we saw the promotional video that was made for the movie Girl Fight that came out.
Do you want to talk about that? Oh, I'm so sorry. Chick FIGHTE listen either words the girl Chick. Yeah, it's a fun it's a fun, silly movie. It's like one of those e popcorn and watch movies. You know.
People are critics are trying to like break down the feminism of it. I'm like, no, no, it's it's not like that. Yeah, it's called Chick Fight. Malin Ackerman stars in it and Alec bald One and it's a group of women who uh start a fight club because it's their therapist. Their therapists recommended it. So it's not based on the the iconic fight club movie. But it's just a movie with a fight club and it's all women. Uh so I'm the referee and they they have it.
I mean, the fights are pretty cool. They had like these amazing stunt women doing I mean, you were talking about like world champion taekwond athletes and like Olympians and stunt like these. They blew my mind they were doing all these moves and then it's like a movie that's like fights and comedy combined. So I was there to be, you know, a ridiculous person while they're just like flipping around punching each other. So, yeah, it's on digital and
demand right now. If people, Yeah, it's on right now. If you want to like have an escape for an hour and a half, Yeah, it's the I do movie for you.
I'll watch it.
Yeah, me too.
But it's a hilarious premise. I think it's a great premise. Your therapist tells you.
To and so I mean, you know, you don't want to dig too deep into like why they're doing this, because like just just accept that they're in a fight club.
Just except that someone had a great pitch meeting and.
It all went great, and Alan Ackerman was like, I love it sounds great exactly.
We shot it in Puerto Rico in January. Wow, and it was like they shot him so machine days, which is insane. That's crazy because we were like shooting like seventeen hours a day in like an asbestos building that was missing half the roof, and we wore we had to wear a mask every day because pre COVID everyone was getting sick from all the asbestos center and the fog machine was going all day. Machine.
Oh so that was where they wanted the meeting place to be some out underground fight. Yeah, like a pretty like yeah, I thought that's just where the production was being held. That's all we could find. There's a hole in the.
Roof were we need a tax cut? So yeah, so it was pretty It is a pretty crazy shoot. I remember being like, oh, it sucks wearing mask all day. Who knew that? A month later? What was coming?
Did you train? Did you have to learn to fight? Are you fighting in it?
I do one fight where I literally like kind of fake hit somebody. I basically the director asked me in December, He's like, can you send a video of like what you know naturally about fighting? Like can you show me you fighting? And it's a Jack's moment and I'm like, you know, punching like this and I'm trying to I'm trying to kick and she's laughing and I'm like, no, this is this is not supposed to be funny. This
is supposed to be hardcore. So I think that I probably got fights taken away from my character after I sent that video.
In Everything Is, It's like, no, you're not trying to give someone a fist bump, you're fighting.
I have dainty fist, So yeah, so the other people fought more than me.
Have you been in a fist fight in real life?
Just with my brothers who would beat the crap out of me when I was growing up. They didn't care that I was a girl. They were just like, I'm gonna punch you in the stomach as far as I can. And my grandmother, my grandmother would be like, you don't punch girls in the stomach. And I'd be like, it's too late. I can't breathe.
What else is going on? Fortune? Are you working on something you want to plug right now?
I started this new show for Netflix. It's called The Netflix After Party. Yeah, it's I'm co hosting with David Spade. Fun yeah, funny comic named London Hughes. She's a British comedian.
Named London London.
So we're we're basically it's kind of like a panel show for all of Netflix's shows, like every episode will like kind of interview like cast of one of the Netflix series or something like that, and then do a panel with comedians and stuff. So it starts, uh, I think in late December, early January you'll start airing.
I will watch that, mm hmm.
Yeah, so it should be fun. We started shooting sketches today for it, like so it'll be like some comedy silliness, but it always kind of has a Netflix tint to it where it's involves some reference to their shows.
Yeah.
Well that's kind of smart though, you know, because it's like you if, they probably can't go into full production on some things the way things are right now, so it's kind of like, yeah, do recap shows and kinds.
Well, it's kind of like how like eight, Like Jimmy Kimmel's on ABC and he always does like the Bachelor stuff, and they it's like their first in house sort of thing. So we'll see it got picked up for first season and and yeah, I'm excited. So I'm doing that. And then I also do a radio show for Netflix on Serious six.
It's a joke. I was going to beat you to.
You both have been on there. Yeah, and so we've been doing that every day from home. So I've been just really grateful to have a job. Yes, right, yeah, so.
A job working with some of my favorite comedians. Yeah.
I was like, I was like, I don't want to do radio, and now my thank God for Yeah, it's great, that's very cool.
Yeah.
So just been doing that and then trying to. I haven't really written any stand up. I just haven't felt, you know, in the place for it.
I don't know what I should what is happening in my apartment that I'm gonna write about it. You have to have human experience, and this is the most inhuman experience I've ever had. Yeah, just me with plants. Oh, there's another good joke about plants.
Well for me, I feel like, I think because my comedy comes from like a happier, positive place, like my soul needs to feel that. Yeah, not that I'm unhappy, but I'm not feeling that free. I don't feel free in that regard. Yeah, so the jokes are not flowing shockingly.
But you did just have a special come out relatively recently.
Sorry, it's called Sweet and Salty. It's on It's on Netflix, and yeah, I was really lucky it came out right at the beginning of the year, and so people have been able to watch that online and it's kind of a it's like my life's journey of figuring out who I am, and it's silly and fun. I tell a lot of jokes. I do give Chilis a shout out because for my contract simply, but I was really proud of it. Our friend Paige Hewit's produced it, and it was just cool to get to work on something with
my friend. And yeah, tell these jokes I've been working on and.
You can trust her, like you know, her producing it and helping you like put it together. You can trust her. If you ever watched Last Comic Standing, page was the EP of that for a long time. She has also stand up herself. So she's one of those very rare producers that actually knows what she's talking about.
Yeah. Yeah, I didn't even weigh in on what the stage would look like. She's just like I desired to. Yeah.
Yeah, that's why I agreed to do the more recent Last Comic Standing is because well, she's going to be there and I trust her.
Yeah, yeah, it makes a difference.
But I still ate it. She didn't have control over that.
Well, those last comics are hard. That's a hard me, you know, get up there for like two minutes or something.
Yeah.
God, when I did it, I kept texting Karen to help me.
Yes.
I was like, Karen, I don't know what I'm doing.
Yes.
I was like, yes, you knew.
That's when I first met you at the improv in the lab that was like our holding area.
Oh my gosh.
Yeah, And we did testimonials in a phone booth or something, and I was like, I like her, she's funny. I uh fortune. I went to Karen's to drop off a painting and we hung out in her backyard.
Oh yeah.
She was saying that there was mosquitos everywhere, and as they were flying around, I was like, I feel like Karen doesn't know the difference between mosquitos and fruit flies because they were tiny. They were hovering above her head. I'm like, these are just flies. Because I didn't want to blame because I wasn't getting bid at all. The next I was riddled in the itchiest those tiny mosquitoes. I wasn't feeling it. They got me everywhere up my
life ankles somehow, in my shoes. Yeah, these evil little mosquitoes. It was absolutely, I just stopped being itchy.
It was like I invested with them in the last like two years. Yes, we never had them before.
I've seen people on Twitter complaining about little mosquitos in their house recently, where I'm like, Oh, is this some creepy thing that's happening in LA that we don't realize is like happening to everybody at once.
That'd be so creepy.
Yeah, and it scares me. Mosquitoes make me nervous. They cause and spread disease. It's like, yeah, I don't want that, hilaria.
Yeah.
I mean because the beauty of LA is like you get stuck in traffic, but you didn't have mosquitoes. That was like the bonus to living here.
Yeah, that's the payoff.
And then I think that I think there was an article that said they came on a shipping container. Oh no, no, from Asia. I again, I don't know if that's fake news. I read an article. I'm not, so don't quote me. I believe that they came in and now they've just like they're everywhere that they are.
That is insane. It's crazy that you can just bring a shipping container of mosquitoes.
And an that shouldn't be allowed.
Yeah, when they when you go, I should put their foot down. When I was in Hawaii, swimming in rivers and climbing up waterfalls, it was amazing, but I was scared of snakes the whole time, and everyone was like, there are no snakes in all of Hawaii. They monitored this the snake intake to where there's never been a snake here, and I don't believe it. I didn't. I'm like, there's got to be a garter snake.
Really there. I never heard that.
I've heard that there is not a single snake in all of Hawaii, and I don't think it's an exaggeration. Have you heard that? Karen?
Are you thinking of Ireland?
I am thinking is Okay? Is Ireland? Do they have Ireland house? Just surfing? Right? Yeah? I thinking of Hawaii. Correct me if I'm wrong, Internet, But I've heard there's no snakes in Hawaii. Wow, yeah, I mean.
It would be very calming. I love the idea.
Google.
Yeah, it's Ireland. Why it's Ireland and yet Hawaii, Iceland, New Zealand, Greenland or in Artica. I will live any of those places. Yeah, we're all doing an Indiana Jones impression snakes.
I went home. I went home to North Carolina in October and uh that that we have a house by the lake, and uh. I was walking by a bush to go check the dock and I saw this like scaly thing in the bush and I ran like a like a crazy person. I didn't I didn't know that snakes climbed in bushes and just laid in bushes. Snake was just in the bush, laying like a hammock.
Oh god, I can't. When I was in Wilmington, I saw I think it was a wolf spider, just a spider, the biggest spider ever, just hanging out on a window sill. And I'm like, I can't be here anymore. No, have you seen them North Carolina spiders.
Uh it's been a minute. Yeah, there's I don't know how I've seen a wolf spider.
I think it was a wolf spider. I don't know. It didn't look like a wolf. It was just big and brown and made me leave town. No thank you, no thank you, No thank bush snakes. No more bush snakes.
I like the idea though, of like hedge snake, where you're just like I'm just trying to get the mail, and then inside.
A bush is a snake's horrible?
I now can't walk by bushes.
Yeah, I like the idea of a snake that I love bush. I hear that, Oh.
Hi, Sweet and Salty on Netflix.
If you like.
But I know you knew.
I just think it's such a fancy thing for a snake to be discerning about where it hangs out, and it prefers the bush. I love a bush snake. He has a bow tie. He has a bow tie and a briefcase, and he's going to work.
That's right, that that bush snake actually is a very He has a lot of stress in his life. He's at a high level accountant and that's that. That's his weekend bush where it just goes.
He stayed in there for two days and I would stare at him. I went up on the porch and stared at him. And then after two days he finally came down and I watched him slither down on a.
Little hat because it was.
Back to work. And you know what that is when they do that for the weekend, it's a snakeation. Listen, No, that's just an advertisement for Fortune's Comedy Specialized. Leave me.
Anymore?
Now it's still there.
It's still there, accounting.
Come on you guys, guys.
I think Fortune, you've done us such a favor being on the show today.
We appreciate it so much.
I mean, the pleasure has been all mine. I mean, what a treat it was. What a treat to connect right with my friends and I get to meet Stephen for the first time.
There, look at him looking at the sign of your hair, Stephen, I do.
Wait, did you shave the side and I didn't know what it looked like before? Yeah? I did it myself.
It was just like that without the shaved part. Oh yeah, thank you very much, Fortune for being your romantic marriage stories.
I know.
Good.
Uh what a time for love.
It is in the air.
It is theftunate when no one wants to touch anyone. Yeah.
Yeah, and we aren't supposed to breathe sat air, but love is in it. If you were able to.
Tell us again your give us your plugs where people can find you, where they can find you talking about Tim Tim all your things say it.
I swear to God. M on Instagram on Matt Fortune Fimesir. I do silly videos and characters because why not. I got the movie chick fight out on digital demand. You know you can like rent on iTunes or wherever you find those things. Sweet and Salty on Netflix, Netflix, and what a joke on Serius XM channel ninety three.
You're doing it all.
Yeah, your party on Netflix coming in January.
Man and Frank approves you are. You're busy and we are proud of you.
And I'm modeling in j. C. Penny catalogs coming soon.
Nice, just a series of robes, that's right, and the fancyst of flannels, luxury flannels, luxury flannels.
Awesome, you the best. Thank you talking to you.
Thank you. I love talking to you.
It was awesome.
You've been no no, I always I gotta not nail it. You've been listening. Do you need a ride?
Do you y in here? Are you leaving?
You wanna way back? Either way?
We want to be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim.
Give us time and a terminol and gay. We want to send you.
Off in style. Do you want to welcome you back home?
Tell us all about every scared her?
Was it fine?
Melcoorn?
Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?
Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride to ride?
Do you need with Karen and Kress m mmmm