S2 - Ep. 5 - Karen and Chris - Haunted House Redux

Are you leaving? I you wanta way back home? Either way, we want to be.

There, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim, and give us time and a terminal and gay we want to send you off in style. Do you want to welcome you back home? Tell us all about it?

We scared her? Was it fine? Melbourne? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need.

With Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need a ride?

This is Chris Fairbanks, This is Karen Kilgaroff.

And if you're listening right now, you are a dinar sore. What do you think, Karen?

This was sprung on me, this idea of dinarsaurs right before we started driving.

The thing is, it looks great like a lot of my tweets. It looks great on paper. But you have to say dinars or which is the inflection? You only give a bad pun, right, But I'm telling you if you if you look up diner slash sore, there's a dozen at least dating back to as early as twenty sixteen. Hu pre Stephen Jurassic Park era pre Jurassic.

There are pre Jurassic tweets have.

Been requesting dinar Okay, it's starting with Xander pegzad Wow, who first coined and of course his handle.

Is Zaan with the plan and his plan. I don't know, mull it over. This could grow on you. Well.

I thought when you first said it that you were being sarcastic, So then then it's hard to come back off of that feeling.

Now that you know I'm dead serious.

You're dead serious. Stevens giddy with excitement.

The car is shaking and we are at an idol.

He couldn't be more thrilled than dinosaurs are about to take over. I personally, all this self naming thing is not for me. I feel like it's for others to do for themselves.

And that's why I'm saying. Others have been talking.

It's already happening. Yes, what control do we have even to even say what we think about it? They're going to call themselves what they will.

We have no control. Big Brother is controlling.

Can I just throw up there the fans? What about dineards?

I don't like it. I can't see the merch already, little.

Neuticles our heads very closely hanging from a trailers. Don't give up on dinards.

I well, now I'm more excited about dineards than anything.

I like shorter nicknames. It don't have multiple syllables.

Well, it rolls off the tongue. Yeah, that's it.

Yeah, but it's also insulting.

Right right.

It is calling each of us a testing Yeah. When I say nudicles, do either of you know.

That that's a real word?

Yeah?

Is it?

It is a tiny prosthetic testicle. So your dog or cat doesn't feel a sense of loss?

Am I right on that? Stephen? You like cats? So I assume you're a doctor of cat? Are you doctor cats?

Medicine? Woman?

Oh man? Why do I like puns and mashups?

They're just okay, this is weird.

Doctor kat. It's hot and we're pants.

It's hot, it's January. We can't put the aircniser on. I'm so uncomfortable.

Well, hey, here's a quick reminder to let you know. We podcast in a car.

Yeah, this is real.

This is some traffic noise.

Let's get some audio.

Oh, it sounds like Stephen is excited again in a different way.

Well, I didn't know i'd be next to a throaty Magma. Yeah, Magnum.

It's a fucking Dodge Magnum. Baby.

Everyone who bought a Dodge Magnum used the opposite size condoms their whole lives. And that's what's so funny about that car. No offense, Greg parents.

The PT Cruiser of throaty hot rods of gen X. Do you wish you didn't have kids?

Dodge Magnum, that's the motto of the century. That's so dead on.

It was so throaty, you know.

It's funny when those came out, they were so different and weird that people were like, I think I'm supposed to like this because no one's tried to make a station wagon into like a muscle car. So it was like it was almost like, I'll be a visionary if.

I like this car, right, And the PT Cruiser was the first my mom I remember, she had had the same Mosita three two three since I was a kid, and she wanted a pet.

Cruiser with like wood paneling and chrome wheels.

And it's like, Mom, it's a four cylinder, but she didn't want a hot rod.

No, I'm just like I can predict that this. I agree.

They look cool and I love the new Thunderbird, but this is going to be a laughing the laughing this is gonna be the beanie babies of cars.

And you already made that mistake once.

Did she do it?

No?

What'd she get instead?

Alzheimer's and couldn't drive. I like the parties funner than they started.

I knew the end of the story, and I still didn't see that coming.

You set me up, she did at the last minute by a Mazda Millennia, later to become an infinity of some kind. Oh and then I that became my car, and I gave it to.

A homeless person.

David Huntsberger, who was a homeless gave it. Heated it. He bought it fair and square. Oh, I mean, I gave him a really good deal.

Friends and family.

So hey Huntsburger, if you're out there thinking, I never done nothing for you, and every time you think of me and think about how my cats would poop on piles of what was always clean and.

Laundry, oh no, yeah, he had a problem everyone everyone, and eventually declines as my point. Yeah, my other point is, yes, you owe me, huntsy.

Bee, And finally you get to say it.

We have to have Hansburger on again.

I would love it.

He's great. He really shines in a conversation.

He did it.

Twice right just once.

I think, oh, I thought he did it.

We talked about cleanup butter on the mantel. God nos, go ahead and check quit with this one.

Quit this one early.

Martha Kellyott says she was to do it. You fancy her.

She's one of my favorites.

She's one of my favorite humans. How did that work?

Then?

When you were writing on baskets? Was she living in Austin? I don't understand.

Yeah, because we write everything and then now they're like, she came to La now because they're going to start production like pretty samd okay, so they do. We have to finish all the scripts first, and everything has to get like approved and put through the production machine and then they start like building sets and getting locations and all that.

Jonathan Chrysol, yeah, Christole, Yes.

He was a big fan of art.

He directed the H and R Blood commercial Are you right? And he was the coolest. But I didn't know how I knew him, but I knew. He said something about mustaches or he's like, we know you're a mustache guy or something like, how.

Do you know this? When I was in the Scary.

Room, Yeah, where they sit at a table and decide right you up and down?

Yeah, but he wasn't doing that, And I'm like, I like the kind of this guy's jamp.

He is truly the best person in show business and the and so funny. He had a joke when you just said you drive an Infinity. We were talking about something one day. I misattributed this to Fred Armison, but it was Chris Lily Goes who drives an Infinity, and it was we all started laughing so hard. It's just like the most simplest and yet so true, Like you're gonna spend a bunch of money, but not enough to make it actually.

Kind of right.

You're just going to top out at the middle.

And it's an expensive, luxurious car and it hasn't And that's breakthrough.

Do we talk about cars a lot? I think it's okay that we do. I like that. You know, you're a girl that likes dude stuff. You had I was forced to you, forced you.

To converse in your people's language. Yes, yes, yes, there aren't many of my kind.

Buicks amaze me. There are Buicks out there. They're beautiful, they're nice new cars. I darest to find one Buick driving around the city today.

We should look. I also, don't I really do like a Cadillac. Those the short snub backed Cadillacs. The are like so kind of fancy.

Those ride very nice. I always they are nice and I would like to drive one. But I feel like the only person that should crawl out one. They should crawl. They will have a sweatsuit.

With a gun loosely in the athletic strap.

Please God, if I could enter that into a dating app, that's what I am looking for.

Well, I hope you're kidding, because that's the type of man I fear.

That's my favorite. I also fear him, and that's why.

I'm so attracting.

Oh right, right right attraction pulsion? Yeah yeah, sorry, a Grande one pump mocha one oh iced?

Please, I'll have a just a medium iced coffee with almond.

Milk, and a Grande iced coffee with almond milk.

Steve, Yeah, but I'll do it ice as well. Okay, I was gonna do it hot. I'm like, wait a minute, it's so hot. I say we keep this in.

The first was a Grande iced moke up, but with just one pump of chocolate in it, and you want the whapper no with none? No oh, but it's then your second drink. It's iced though that one, yeah, yeah, okay. The second drink is a Grande iced coffee with almond.

Milk, Friday's Coffee with almond milk.

Anything else, And the third one is a venty iced vanilla latte please already okay, yeah, definitely keep all that in. It was amazing.

Yeah.

Yeah, Well the last time we went through the drive through that when it sounded like it was pranking you, but I yes, it was cutting out and we just thought that there's no way he didn't understand these words you told me three times.

Yeah.

I always forget at that, that great prank of say it again.

Yeah, yeah, my favorite part of well we should Are we going to we'll keep that?

Are we going to talk about pranks?

Yeah? You know, I want to.

There's gotta be a reason I've auditioned for and what's turned down half a dozen times for punk. It's because I have a passion for making someone feel bad, yes badly, making them think something terrible is happening and then going just getting everything's fine. You're crying now so you look stupid. And also everyone knows your coward. What do you say, Britney Spears or whoever?

Yes, I was trying to think of somebody that was the star of Boy Meets World, but I don't know that. I don't know their names.

What do you say, Fred Savage?

It's a little brother, Jerry Savage.

Jerry Savage.

I'm Jerry Savage.

I was supposed to be a pro wrestler, but I had my hair was curly, and I said, what about Andrea the Giant? They said, he's the only one you might notice that. I'm extra gravelly yesterday.

I was a little worried about today because I had zero voice.

Because why tell the people what we do with your time?

Yeah, you even knew what I was doing. I just want to brag.

I just went snowboarding, Yeah, Mammoth Mountain, which is totally a normal thing for me to do. Drive six hours to stay in a hotel in Bishop, California, to then drive in the morning, ignoring all signs that you're supposed to have chains on your front wheel drive on accurd I ignore, and you know, there was some mishaps on the way up, but I was promised there's two feet

What does that mean When people say that mouth.

Breather, Well, it's usually negative, means you're stupid.

Yes, well I'm not stupid. I have a deviated sceptem don't judge. Sorry, I get mad at people started or are. I breathe through my mouth and I sleep through my mouth.

Love that about it.

I speak through my all of it.

And I go ahead and eat through my mouth.

But I sometimes whistle through my nose and they call it snoring.

That's the way anyway, the icy wind hit my vocal cords, I guess, and because I wasn't screaming.

Usually if you yell all night like whoo.

But do you ever cheer from when you're disappointed about things? Because maybe that's.

Why when I lose my voice, though, it is interesting because I can all of a sudden make it go super.

I can't usually reach you can't do that, no, so I can go super gravety low.

Okay, you need to audition through a cartoon right now.

I need to do I need to talk to would charge you.

I can tell.

You two people, that's.

Two different That was two different people and both were Chris.

Both were me.

If you're just tuned in, believe that shit? Can you believe that Hollywood magic that's happening right in the Star Driver, I should say, no guest today.

Oh that's all right, but.

We have Stephen Ray Morris on the mike on the ones and twos in the backseat as new posse.

Jake Wiseman was great, God he was.

Except for he was hilarious. I listened to a little bit of it this morning. But here's my impression. You be Jake Wiseman, make any point about anything mild.

And that's why there really is no reason to be living. We just try to smile.

Yes, yeah, that's you know, and if you keep smiling, then maybe you'll ignore the ultimate thing, that is we're all tits up having a dirt nap.

Yes, in the end of the year, Yes, there was.

There's never been an episode where I was more just kind of listening and then all of a sudden it would hit me that I'm one of the hosts.

I was just zwn and out. I'm like this guy, it's pretty interesting.

He's the best. I really adore his brain. I like how I like everything about that guy. Yep, really cool. And it made me happy that he wanted to do it. Yeah, because you know, sometimes you get that thing. I we definitely have this.

I sent an official email, yes, asking cordially and asking and inviting, providing his availability, and he.

Fucking brought us big goods. That was amazing.

Yeah, they were where'd they go? I hard? They had still look at you through the mine. Yeah, of course, I mean the thought though.

I saved the macaroon for a couple of days and I was like, don't eat that.

Yeah, that's everything having a loaded gun.

It really is. I like to scout, scream, don't eat everything at myself. Sometimes it's helping. It's helping me a lot.

I like to point down at my jan adults and go no bad. That's actually something Tied.

Used to do around the house.

My purse.

Of course, til stop and point at my growing area and go no bad no every day and it made me laugh, but it also gave me kind of a complex.

So I thank you my Dodge Magna. Oh boy, what choice do you have? These are creamy beverages. Well, here's my beverage.

I think that's mine.

That is yours.

Thank you You too?

Is my favorite band? That is mine? Is it? Yes? Classic? Let me put that and you get the whole tray. I know how much you're Stephen.

What do you? Let's all name our favorite YouTube song. I'm going to start lemon. Do you know that song about lemons blood?

That's one.

Yeah, it's something about wadding away.

I honestly I love We're not counting like War and Boy and and those albums because they were actually a great man.

No rules, there's no rules.

Well, I legitimately anything off the Boy soundtrack or why not Boy soundtrack about a boy sound I'm just changing the anything from amount a Boy, which was actually music by a badly drawn boy.

I like any music about boys because I am a clubber.

You clubs. I love a club.

Yeah, I love Early you too.

It's just it's kind of cool when a band has longevity and does that Rolling Stones thing. Yes, but in it's also kind of cool when a band is cut short nine years into it, like the and You Just I mean it's I'm not saying it was good that John Lennon was killed. I'm just saying we didn't have to watch them get old and do commercial jingles.

But you have heard of Paul McCartney ring, I have, I have, I have bad news about some Christmas carols.

I yeah, Sometimes I just say stuff and I realized there's no way out of it.

No. I get what you meant, though, because it is a band, yes, sexy rock band like if Tears for Fears were still putting out albums, and maybe they are, but it's a thing of like you. You peeked in this way that's majestic.

You leave it alone. And sometimes there's no rhyme or reason. I'm scrolling through Instagram or something. I came across a live AHA performance take on Me and the dude's voice has that vocal range that you think is only a young person's game.

It's all intact.

He's nailing it.

It's so good, and he looked the exact It's like he's been in a frozen vault.

He's gorgeous.

You know what, beautiful guy.

It's the cheekbones they hang your face well from your life.

God, I wish I could have gotten cheekbones. Mine are a little lower. They're called those jowls.

Oh you have reverse cheek bones.

Yeah, yeah, that's what I call them.

Yeah, I have cheekbones. But then I also have a big butt. So we all have these crosses.

To carry, and it's called Sorry man, I'm more buoyant in my face than you.

I will not sink below my neck. It's for reasons. It's for reasons.

It's for survival.

M my whole body, everything on my body, my hairless, legs that are skinny, all of it.

It's so I can get in and out of tight situations. Everything about me is for survival.

You're like, did you ever see the video of the octopus that escapes the ship and he goes through a hole. It's like a regular size octopus that goes through a hole that's as big as your.

Did you and find yourself down a wormhole watching octopuses do other things get in and out. It's amazing. A shark was attacking an octopus in another video Welcome to We Describe You Too, and he picked up shells with it with its suction cups covered his body as the shark was coming, like and then it just he was a ball of shells, and the shark like bat at it and was like, well, clearly I'm seeing things. This is a ball of shells.

I should leave.

I hallucinated that it was so cool. I've seen an octopus and I and this may have been a continuation of that video just collect two halves of a coconut and then just roll along the seafloor. And it's one of my favorite things.

I've ever seen.

Wait for fun, I don't know, or escape. Maybe he was escaping the cameraman that was following him.

But I really wanted to say, start using them as a musical instrument because we all want to see, not to push drum.

Because we all want to watch SpongeBob scorpions.

We all want to watch a thing that actually exists. That I wish was my idea right now.

Damn it, there's already an octopus drummer.

You're telling me an octopus has already played the xylophones in cartoons before this day.

What about a squirrel that lives under the sea that has a fish bowl as a helmet.

That's my neighbor.

Damn it, that's a story I've told other times. Oh well, Sandy the squirrel from SpongeBob is my neighbor and my friend. I could text her right now if I want it.

It's funny because I don't remember you.

I know, I think you have told me that, But we let each other retell stories one because we have new listeners.

Also, I don't remember when you've told a story.

I know that I will start to tell a story, but your reactions are like, it's new to you too.

It's new until like, oh, you'll hit one now, and then the picture explodes and I go, I know exactly what you're talking.

Yeah, that's called deja vu.

It's called alzheimer.

No, no, this memory loss is a small part of it. First we will have weird bouts of psychosis.

You can't wait to start bringing home the young men.

I have it all mapped out.

I can't wait for my fifty ninth birthday listener my voice right now.

The attention has made it go up sly when I get older.

Okay, well, remember how annoying this is. Okay, I'm done.

Wait a second now, Speaking of which, on the day that this program airs, it will be am I right about this, Stephen, it will be Chris's birthday the day after before. It will be the day before, so right now, according to you listener, and you're yes, the listener's always right. It is the day before Chris Fairbanks birthday.

Please, thank you. Set him tomorrow, thank you. I hope you're all singing a song. Singing a song to yourself. Then no one wants to hear, and no one ever wants to sing, yet we are contractually obligated to sing it.

Yeah, exactly, you too, Yeah, I want.

I don't know. I don't know if I will be coming home from Denver or if I will be in Dallas. It remains to be seen.

Exciting This is going to be an exciting week for you.

Yes, I have to I decisions will be made.

They aren't made yet.

I mean, I don't want to sound like I'm into espionage or something.

These are you know.

It's either a cat food commercial or I got to toss some jokes out at some drunks.

Two amazing options. You are lucky because either one is a gift and a boon, And this is an opportunity for you to work on all your improv skills where no matter what happens, you say yes and you heighten to.

The next level.

Yes, yes, yes, Pretend Jake Wiseman is in the car and just keep saying yes to life.

My favorite improv move is to go, what are you talking about?

I'm not a doctor. It's my favorite. Why is that wrong?

It's not wrong. It's just that you're a stand up doing improv, and that's what the problem is. Right, No one needs.

You to do it. It was a problem right away. Yeah, it was a problem right away.

I'm positive I told you that, you and everybody this. But I did the same thing where the first improv class I took, I had to get up on stage and I was like, I should not be here. I didn't want to. I was gonna go. I was just going with my friend who was like, just come and like audit the class. I'm like, I don't want to, but fine. I had nothing else to do. And then the guy's like, no auditing, get up here, and I

Can't improv be like real life where I don't want to talk to everyone?

Can't I flip my fucking burgers in peace?

Yeah?

Why do we have to have a faux funny conversation?

Yeah? And that was my problem.

I felt like everything I had to have a joke with everything someone said, and I would. It's not good when you're trying to build a scene. I've seen good improv now, and I'm really impressed with it. I really am like long form Harold s or what have you.

It's amazing.

It's amazing.

It's so fun and so self indulgent when you're a monologuist or the monologue.

Oh what is it? Monologist? Thank you?

It's a monologist A great word, isn't it.

Yeah, I'm going to pretend I didn't never know. Do you say, did you know?

It? Just not saying no.

It's the first I've heard of it.

Anyway, the times I've been selected to do monologues, sounds better than monogy.

True, you don't do it for a living.

You you tell stories and then they remember every little detail, and then you watch a part of your life play out and it.

Was the it's the coolest thing version. Yeah, yeah, yeah that show.

Yeah, I've done that. You used to be Franklin. If you get a chance in your LA the ASCAT show It Used to be Franklin is always incredible. They always have amazing people, whether they're super famous and you're like, oh.

My god, that's my favorite. Some stars.

There's always stars, but they're also the people who are not stars. You look at them and go, oh, you're going to be a star. You're just the person that's going to be on the next or they won't.

And that's the problem of life, true, and the heartbreak of constantly tumble in obscurity and struggle to pay their red.

And maybe with a little bit of alcoholism like I did.

Yeah, Or they'll be just cut short of us quickly and some horrible accident.

But they were so gifted.

Maybe they'll get pregnant and then they'll just move away to just like just to Nevada.

Yeah, And then you got to cross your fingers that one day your kid will pay the bills and you can live vicariously through them.

Make them a baby model and make them earn their key.

That's my favorite Minster show line. We were sitting on a money bag with teeth. Describe the kid for.

Those the baby uh oh, maybe the beauty pageant one.

Baby beauty pageant. Yeah, they put makeup on the sonograms.

Yeah, they pronounced in utero beauty pageant.

They can't wait to be born. They come out with such confidence.

Oh god, Well, we're describing YouTube videos and old mister show.

Yeah, that's good podcasting, it is. We don't have to pick one. There's a lot of people. They really pin themselves in. They go, oh, I'm only going to describe one type of video one TV show right right in truth. If you do like Chris and I, you can sit here now, I'd like to go into some BBC historical dramas to describe, right. Okay, So it starts out there's this maid cooking in the kitchen. Her hands are red with work.

Incomes a powdered wig man.

He says, cook this quickly.

Yes we did. We could I discern his accent. He's that mysterious.

Coolnase. I'm from England. I'm going two weeks.

Did I ever tell you how I won the first time? I was in a comedy contest. I got to the finals by putting on four wigs. I had a huge, curly afro and I found I searched for them, but I found four identical wigs and.

I just had them all stacked up.

And so after a joke, I'd be like, I'm sorry, I can't lie to you people.

I'm not who you think I am.

And I pulled and then there'd be another hair and they laughed at it once, but when it kept happening, and then at the end.

It was my real hair.

I had accidentally tapped into some new form of entertainment that makes people stand and they were like, that.

Was the best magic trick ever or something.

I don't you got a standing ovation for it. I remember a.

Look on my face like, no, no, no, there is a article and the Austin Statesman, the wig, the Great Wig trip.

Wait that part's a lie, right, No.

I used to be in the paper a lot in Austin.

I was a boy for your wigs for other things just animation, voiceovers, uh uh.

Mural painting. No, I'm not kidding. I know that I sound like him. False you had always, but it really was.

In the paper yes.

It was mentioned in an article about comedy and this guy you might remember from the wig thing if you went to the finals of the Funniest.

Person in Austin.

Now, that must have been in the nineties, because a white guy wearing an afro is problematic to begin with.

I had no it was My real hair was a big, curly browne oh afro.

These wigs were so that was almost the payoff. They looked like yes.

So the payoff at the end was my actual hair looked like looked like that. And when it finally got down to it and it was like sweaty and matted down, They're like, wait a minute, I get it now.

I always like that.

I like the someone wearing several pairs of pants is here to take them off. There's another pair of pants. Yep, sunglasses, over and over. It's our favorite naked gun track.

It's wonderful. Well, but I think with yours, with the wig element, it's that you, the audience. By the fourth wig goes, he prepared so much for us, he cares so much about our entertainment.

And all I did is go wig shopping.

Yep. And it matters. It means something, and it matters.

Yeah, I guess I need to start preparing more, at least at least dressed nicely.

Or I care that I'm here.

Yes, My thing is, if I did go back, I would try to hate the audience a little bit less.

Right, I mean, at least I could do.

You know what I've done so you don't have to do that is just focus.

On writing actually good jokes.

No no acting like acting like you have great jokes, acting like you you're happy when you aren't.

I'm very mad.

Like just a handful of years ago, people are like, oh, I can tell you we're happy with that. And now when I get off stage and I'm like, fuck this fuck comedy.

I hate those people.

They're like, what you were having so much fun? I'm like, okay, I'm getting good pretending thing.

Well, you know that's funny because that's when you did. You ran your special at the Dynasty Typewriter, and Lizzie went to it and she was telling me that she was like so blown away and then afterwards you were like an this and that, and she was like, what the fuck is happening? Like she completely had that experience because she loved your set so much.

Oh she but she she gets it.

Oh, yes, true, and I want everyone to get it and they don't always.

That's true sometimes, but you don't know.

Yeah, sometimes I don't know.

But a lot of the actual taping I actually got off and I was like, I think that went well, and I like these people, and so.

That's a good fun that's a great sign.

The funny thing is, though, I'll watch it later and be like, wait a minute, I did better on this night that I was furious, and then here's a night that I thought I did great, and I'm like, being a weirdo, you know what I mean. It just depends on whatever chemicals are bouncing around and your rods and cones.

That's very up in your eyes. It's very true. But there's also the element of that's how I used to write jokes, is what do I hate? And I get really mad at it and write out my feelings. And then when I would just get on stata, just pretend like I was making fun of it as opposed to being angry. That used to be on my trick of joke writing, just like what actually infuriates me, and then just like basically rip it apart and pretend I don't care.

Oh, right, well, that's a good idea.

But you know what I think it is, it's like passion as long as you're keyed up about something good or bad. That's conveyed when you do comedy, and then people feel it and like it and get it. Yeah, you know, And that's my theory. I don't do.

Comedy, Yes you do.

I mean just because you're taking a little stand up break, you're gonna have that itch, but you won't have time because of your band.

Oh that's right.

What if I write you gotta started, I gotta start sub pop type band. I mean, I already have the sound envisioned, very sleeterer pornograph, new pornographer, Sleeter Kinney kind of you could do it, okay, and I could play the symbols or.

Or the fucking trombone. That's my impression of you doing mouth horn.

It's amazing how many people don't know that you're saying malthorn.

They thought you were saying now horn.

There's a couple there's been a couple of people who have h let me know, there was one guy who is like basically pointed out exactly the spot where I fucked up in that song, which, of course drives me crazy every time I hear it, because I.

Just don't where did you fuck up?

When I when I say malthhorn, I don't change the chord. I'm playing like I'm trying to.

That's because we did not plan it, right. If we were in a booth at that dude's house, right, and I was like, maybe I'll just come in and annoyingly, Yeah, it wasn't part of your song, no, but so get off our ass and if it doesn't sound right, clean the.

Shit out of your ears.

He only meant it. I think he honestly meant it, like he likes the song so much that he listened to it enough to go and I noticed you dropped that thing whatever.

It was a crime. Right.

Every time someone says something specific, it's to reveal that they like or are paying close enough attention to notice that specific thing. Except we're like, wait, what do you like? I'm I am very conscious of that. I'm repeating stories. And there's a girl out there on Twitter that said that she feels responsible because she mentioned it.

Oh she's not alone that you are. There's many people over He is right, and my feelings are hurting.

It has nothing to do with you all right.

You're just one of many. I also think that sometimes we a lot of people have learned bad habits on social media. What the fun? Very old, very old, Sorry, sir.

You're on your way to your resting place.

He's driving himself to his own funeral.

He should at least have a procession.

I'm so sorry, sir.

What if you're driving yourself to your own funeral? And all the polars.

When you're like triplets and it's your pretty siblings that are identical twins.

And what and it's a comedy?

What happens?

I don't know?

Are you driving separately? Are you dying together?

Just bunch old guys following each other to three plots?

Oh they're all die Okay, they're all gotta got it? Yeah yeah, yeah, yea yeah yeah.

I no, you wrote that I had them all as Paul bearers, but a monologuous.

Now listen, Chase Bank is probably pretty evil, as most banks are, but.

God likes to be chased.

This one in Burbank is gorgeous. Stephen, can you catch the front of this, yes, Chase Bank?

Is that a Frank Lloyd Webber house?

It's it is literally glittering gold in the sunlight.

I mean that belongs in Vegas.

It's so gorgeous. Also, there's this beautiful sculpture on the front.

It looks like an end table, a new end table in the oval office.

Yes, this is.

It's like a trumpy side piece.

It looks like a Greek housewife's dream building.

It is.

It is very Greek, isn't it Greek?

I remember the time we fell in.

Up Michael Jackson going to That's pretty much what he does. It sounds like I was going off the scat script, but.

Yeah, he goes bab it up.

That's right, And that's right before all the Egyptians start dancing.

Yes, right, and that isn't Greek.

That's Egyptian and Egyptian so similar styles, similar hair, gold claw.

You know, break class and you put it next to each other like moasakh.

Mos.

Sometimes I just Burbank high School. What do you know about it?

Ho co Their mascots are the fighting ike is sorry, that's a joke you do on my favorite murder. I shouldn't cross a path.

You always should cross promote.

Really, yes, because that's a fun thing we do. If we ever mention a high school in our story, Georgia and I. We make the other person say what the mascot of that?

Oh?

Really?

And then the person has to say it as fast as they can so they come out really stupid.

Oh that's a fun game.

It's a very fun game.

Well, I want to play that game. I didn't know about that game. I just played it.

Yes, you know, but you were on the wrong side. Okay, ready, Burbon High School? What do you know about Bourbon High School?

We already did that. Oh what do you mean, what do I know?

Would you know the mascot?

Oh yeah, the mascot. Sure, they're the dueling Barnicholes.

See, I think I've done Barticle before. Isn't it good?

Dueling Barnacles that I just, of course want to say Van Joe's and what comes next in the word list.

The Barnicles right after two?

Yeah, I want I know PQR.

Oh you know where we can't go. I've subconsciously driven us back by the haunted House.

I can't wait.

What is the story with those It's suburban high school hangout?

Oh okay, yeah, yeah, I had that. I had that.

They all drove around in that grocery cart for a while. That got boring. Now they're sitting on the sidewalk.

You know, back in the day, those kids would be smoking.

Hell yeah, oh no, stop time for me.

I guess no one's cool anymore.

No one's cool, No one's edgy. Everybody's friends. There's no bullying. I don't know how they pass the time.

I ever tell you about my friend Eric who he got his job broken, and as someone punched him.

In the hallways, his friend like, just hit him too hard.

But that's terrible Montana. That's what you do during lunchatter. Okay, So as John was wired shut and later that week he got hit by a car.

What at the chair.

We were all hanging out at the hangout across the street from school, and another one of his friends jokingly was going to stop close to him, and his brakes didn't wear and he rolled over the hood and he had his jaw. He was a cool kid and everyone liked him. But no, he didn't get injured. It's just like, man, this guy's having a bad week. We weren't even like super close, but I just remembered. I will always remember

And I don't remember.

Then the step up to the stage. There it is?

That is it?

It isn't There's so many hanted houses. I'm so sorry. This isn't it. No, it looks like we.

Don't trust Chris.

There's a few of them.

Also, we drove by one even earlier that I was like, it's too soon, But I thought that was the haunted house. Okay, but I think I'm gonna go around.

Somebody haunted houses. It is, Yeah, I think it is to the right.

Okay.

So I'm on stage and it's not going well, and I up front. I'm nowhere near Missoula, Montana. But he's sitting right up front, this guy that looked just like Derek and I, but it had been years, you know. So I said, are you from Missoula? And he was like nope, nope, and he shook his head and I'm like oh, And then there's just this weird moment hanging in the air. So I had to try and do something with it. It's like, oh, you look like this guy that he's the guy. Didn't guy his jog got

He's not someone I don't hate.

Then after the show he comes up, he's like, hey, Chris, it was him.

Oh he just he just said it.

Wasn't him, And I was like, okay, hold on, I when I said all that stuff, I of course was not happy. That was just bad him. Yes, But his wife was like had her arms crossed. She's like, I don't like this guy and it was Jesus. But then it turns out he likes comedy and he has a job where he moves around. I saw him in Denver after that. He brought a bunch of people. Oh that's why he ended up.

He wasn't mad at.

He wasn't mad at.

He knew.

He knew that I didn't not like him, even though I said, your job up broken and I was happy, Where is this house?

I went up the same street. Sorry, it's okay, my bad.

No, it's hard to drive and do things. You're so good at it.

By the way, I feel safe when you're driving well, good. You never make you know, people are scared. When I'm driving, I'm in control. But if I had to also do anything else other than.

Sing, that's that's how it is for boys. Though you're not good at multitasking.

It's true. Did I make that up or is it known?

It's known. It's women can multitasking. We have to because we have children, so you have to be able to. But men have to hyper focus, right.

And it's in this It's gonna sound sexist, but it's also why women more often have a shattered cell phone.

Something else came up.

And they just drop it in a panic.

I never am.

I never have either, because I just focus on one thing and the second thing comes up, I lay down and give up.

Yep, that's right over. It's total overwhelmed.

Tolly, Why I spit? I don't have a baby. Oh you'll get one, get one somehow.

I was just gonna say, oh, I was just going to give some props because my driving inspiration is a woman named Anne Benedetti, who drove our carpool. We carpooled with the Benedetti family and a couple other families, but the Benedetti is the most cons the Bendetti's. They're the best.

The name the name I mean and say it real good.

Benedetti Benedetti and Anne Bennadetti would drive. They had a Dodge Cake car station wagon. They come pick us up every morning. She always had a cup of coffee in this hand, in her right hand, and she could. She drove real kind of like well paced and with a cup of full cup of coffee in her hand and never spilled it once. Never, And it was in a mug because they didn't used to.

It took them till like the nineties to make a mug for having in a car. Yes, like, okay, we people are doing this, we get to.

Cater to it.

No.

And because she was kind of she was a real hippie in the sixties, and so she had like a mug that looks like she made it herself in her own kiln.

Oh, that's I wish I had a kiln.

You'll get a kiln. Baby comes.

My mom would wait, come on, stork fly by me.

My mom used to always just give me a ride to school and hand me her coffee. And it was scalding hot and it was an irregular mug and I just splashing all I just show up to school.

You riddled in coffee and I wore white every day, you know.

Because you had that bakery job before.

Yeah, yeah, anything to make ends meet.

Chris was a child baker bakery.

I painted anything.

Well, you can you take sorry to interrupt you. Can you take a picture of these palm trees? Why is this so beautiful? It's like it's it looks like we're in bel air all of a sudden, and this is like, oh yeah, slashdal.

This is really cool.

Look at it.

Pretty Yes, running the conflict gondlet. It's like being at a navy wedding. You just drive right through the procession.

But sorry to interrupt you, because your mom making you hold it like the reason you can drive and drink and drink is because you know when you're going to break.

She had a shifter car.

Oh my gosh, everyone in mind.

And I grew up with shifter cars.

I did. My dad always had a bull time.

And now you can't even buy one if you want, and I do want one. I wanted a standard transmission. Yeah, I want them to make a new one. I want to. I like shifting, I do. I enjoy it, and then less it's expected of you. I can just have my phone say I'm driving right now. It requires all my hands. I'm not an octopus unless you're starting a.

Bit, and then you basically then you send a video pull of yourself pulling two halves of a coconut around here.

Yes, yes, well there was I did. There was a guy.

He was more than autistic, but whatever he lacked inability to interact with humans, he could play eight people at once at chess.

Oh shit.

So he was called the Octopus.

And he'd go around town and kind of be rude to people, and he was kind of scary, a tall, scary looking man, but he was the octopus. And I did t shirts of him and it was of an octopus with his face and his glasses, his botentacle strangling, sucking the life out of a chess opponent.

And did he love it?

He loved it.

I bet he did, because he's like he's never been seen as strong or overpowering to people.

Well, and also I bet he's to get credit, you know, when like to have a a syndrome like that, whatever the correct wording is was autistic. Yeah, yeah, but it's like it cuts off communication. It's easy to offend people. You don't know why, blah blah blah. It's tough. Yeah, so I bet you. It's like that's a really amazing connection where he's like, oh, people do like.

Me anyway, Yeah, yeah, exactly.

He was kind of rude to people, but in Missoula people were able to you know, he had his own coffee brew and it was.

Like, oh, to push his brew. It's the kind he drinks like people.

And that was the case with a lot of the homeless people in Missoula too.

They were characters in town. There was Tommy the Leprechaun.

He'd play He'd dressed like a leprechaun, of course, and they played guitar and he'd do open mics. But back in the old days, he would crawl into foxholes and murder the enemy. So he had some demons, you know, and then one day he would always mean.

That's the part of mid nineties.

That skateboarding movie that Jonah Hill made that I loved, that almost made me cry, is that it showed that side of skateboarding where you're out in the streets skating spots and you're the one interacting with these sometimes unstable and we were friends with him. There was the reverend, this guy whose wife died years ago and he ever since that day was standing on a street corner yelling about fire and we're all gonna burn.

He'd just be like, burn, fire, burn.

He seemed like a But then you'd stop and talk to him and he'd be like, beautiful day, isn't it?

Oh, don't you you doing any like? He was so nice.

It is I And there was another guy waiting for spaceship at the at the at the TV station. He wore so many suits. He was just a bulky. He was dressed for winter and it would be the middle of summer. It's like the only African American guy is. It's such a white town. And he was just for years he sat there waiting and you'd ask him what

Oh okay, and it still is. He's still with us.

Thank god. He didn't get bit to buy a spaceship.

No but I just it's it's in a small town, you know, you know, like in Mayberry or whatever, the town drunk everyone knows his name and they throw him in jail every night. It's kind of the cool thing about small towns. Yeah, Whereas here in Venice or in la in general, if it's if someone is quirky like that, it means that they might kill you.

It's very unforgiving and well and also in this town, people come here. I'm sure it's really hard to be homeless obviously, no matter what. But in bucking Montana, where it's like sub zero temperatures all winter long, whereas people come here because you can live in California outside all year round and not have an impact you the same way.

Yeah, I have a friend I'm.

An expert on homelessness and migration.

No, I mean, it's just something we all deal with.

And I you know, there's so many different kinds. Like someone quoted it the other day when you said shredded from life when there's a really rip. There is a guy I know that tech He is homeless. It's because of a divorce. But he designed some shopping app and he was trying to get investors in it, but he lives in his car. Wow, and he is a young of like personal trainer equinox guy.

But he can't make enough to have a place.

Shit, I know, that's terrible.

Well, maybe one day I'll mention that website of his because it was a really neat idea and it had all that it was like.

A meeting place for all these different brands.

But here's and he's like, was asking me if we talked about him, Like, well, that's.

Not how it works. We actually have people that do that. But if I knew it. Right now we're on the topic. Ya, I gotta plug works.

The plug where you never give the plug, you like tease to it. It's someday we're going to reveal.

It's the sprinkle of the black sprinkles on a bald spot of I know what I'm saying.

No one else has to know.

No, that's your secret, and then it will be revealed in the upcoming Yes, and we're gonna.

Have an episode also where I finish all of these sentences I start.

And don't end.

It's called cliffhangers, and it works and soap operas and it works on this.

Podcast and it works as Sylvester Stallone Movies. Cool.

I will say this, and I know I've said this to you already, but my mom heardted the homeless problem in this country when they when Ronald Weggan shut down all the mental health facilities. That's where all this all those people used to get taken care of by the state or the federal government, depending and there was we used to provide for people who couldn't help themselves. And yes, Ronald Wigan just stripped all that out. And that's why it's such a problem. And you can't arrest people out

Yeah, I really want.

I imagine this show that I did with Oprah. She'd be my co host and when we would go, but you actually medic find find a way to medical like so many of homeless people, I think if they just have medication, all of a sudden, they have their life together. Some people need chemicals, they need medication. But then the problem with my TV show is that at the end, when well, okay, cut, get that bottle of pills from them, see you later, you'll be left. How do you maintain

Yes, it's self medication.

Yeah, it's it's really it's very didn't. I don't think Ronald Reagan gets enough credit for having done that.

For just stripping out the basic human care.

Not to mention those trade tariffs, not to mention beans.

I'd rather I didn't mention those.

Jelly beans and keep them to myself.

Oh thank you.

Karen does a really nice thing where when Elina's read, she puts her hand in front of me because she thinks I'm a book bag.

Oh easy, you're a bag of cansuit.

You spill all those pencils every time. What are you if not a book bag? A human book bag?

You slam on the bricks and a ruler and a pencil sharpener, fly out of my.

Mouth and a note one of those deep.

Yees, pick one, now, pick a color, one of those.

You're going to have a baby with the boys. It's next to you in seventh grade?

What is that?

It was always I don't know, Steven, do you know what those things are called?

Sorry?

Described it again?

Oh it's that little puzzle while you put Yeah, this guy.

I thought it was called mash, but it's not. That's the house, mansion, shack.

That's right. You're gonna marry see Thomas Howell live in a shack, have eight children? That Those are my favorite word. We be like, oh, I don't want to be married to that guy in a shack?

Yeah? Yeah? Can we have a nice house?

What's the what's the only reason to be married to see Thomas Hell? Are you suggesting and one day he's going to stop getting acting work?

Why would he live in a shack? What are you telling you?

You're trying to tell me, see Thomas Hell from the Outsiders, from the hit that just came out soul Man, that that guy is one day going to become undesirable to Hollywood.

Unbelievable, which actually, interestingly, he does live in. No, it's not true. He was on south Land. He does very well from so oh okay.

I'm sorry, see Thomas Hell. If you're a listener, I need to forget sometimes that some of these celebs are listening. Yeah, there's a ton they sometimes the entire cast of the Outsiders listen.

Start this. My god, I would die.

I would never stop screaming. I had your posters. Thanks for listening.

It's such an I just just that Stay Gold Stevie Wonder song to Me still puts me in a trance.

So it just reminds me of a specific day when I was a.

Kid almost And so when saw that movie.

I don't know, I just loved that movie so much.

It was a good movie. I told you how Samaine Rosolalez ruined it for me, right, No, I'm sure I did. She was a girl I went to junior high in high school with, oh okay, and she was a bit of a She was a bully because she had like her sister was also Well, no, that's not true. Renee was actually really nice. Well, it was just like she was kind of a tough girl.

Yeah, yeah, like tough tif did she have a personalized license plate.

Things?

But we went to the like nine o'clock showing of the Outsiders, and this is the weekend it came out, and she had been at like the seven o'clock showing.

Uh huh.

So we went in and side down and it was all these kids were just still in the movie theater and she was coming up the aisle and she was like hey, and I go oh hey, and she leans over and goes, Johnny.

What's like an evil villain?

Yeah, it was. I thinking of it now though, it's the fucking funniest thing. Like it's such a ruiny, shitty thing, but it's also hilarious to do, to be.

A funny to do to a stranger.

I think it's funny. I was, but I was devastated at the time. But now that I look back on it, I think it's fucking genius.

Yeah, it's uh. That's where I got my Macintosh dies.

I got a lot of stuff there. I've bought so many power chords there.

They're helpful, the mac on the corner of all of and Tye stuff.

Every time I've gone to Melrose mac the person has been a lovely human being, very helpful, and they always try to go, oh, this is kind of expensive. Do you want us to get a different one?

Let me figure this out. Let me go into my workshop. You should just replenish. Let me also recycling devices as important. Yeah, care you know where they they they'll just kick your ass out the door, the regular Max door.

Yes, I don't think that this was going to be a pro Mac thing.

No, no, because that's not the case.

Max stores make me want to buy a del this new album. I'm sorry a deal, but I'm I'm sorry with since I am, I am sorry for some of my jokes. They're very good? Is it four forty six?

Oh we're perfect?

Well, speaking of Max.

At four point fifteen, I am going to pick up a MacBook Pro that my friend.

Is giving me. Nice and I could draw on it.

Oh that's great.

Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm so excited. That's because that computer I got there. It's so funny. They certain programs like Photoshop and everything. You now have to subscribe to them and pay a monthly fee. So I have this pirated version from ten years ago that in order to support it, I have to have an expired old environment on a brand new computer. So I have a new computer with a ten year old environment. Just have my old photoshop anyway, this is so boring. I'm sorry, but

You better be, you know. I'm filled with the rane. Uh everybody? Yeah quick, and look at this is the new Chick fil A, No matter your politics. Yeah, Chick fil A can be a pretty good sandwich.

Oh No, I don't even care for it, and I root for it coming up because I know how many people I know.

Will be happy. Yeah, people freak out about and you know the secret.

They have like twenty different sauces that people go ape shit over. There's so many different sauces. It almost made me laugh when I first went in.

How many sauces?

Oh? Over a dozen.

Oh. I always thought it was like honey mustard ranch.

Oh, I'd pick your There's many different, subtly different ranches.

Oh, it's Southwestern share, northeastern.

Parts of the Indian ranch with crap. They have curry ranch.

Southeast Asian ranch that has a little bit of mango and some lemon grass in it.

Yeah, it's and then they put all this effort into that and then when it comes down to it, the sandwich.

Itself is just a slam of chicken.

Yeah, it's amazing because it's actual chicken. My thing is, look, they're they're overtly anti gay. Fuck them, Oh they don't go there.

Whatever.

Yeah, there was like a thing that kicked up. But I had a bunch of friends who said to me who were who were like, I'm not not going to eat there because there's lots of places that are like that, Like, uh, I shouldn't name things I don't know, but they're like, you don't know the politics.

Which corporations are racist?

Safely there.

Mouths.

But essentially, once one person said that to me, I was like, oh, it's fine, but yeah whatever, I mean, they really came out strong and crazy against gay people, So please negate any positivity you might be interpreting from right drive by, I was just kind of reading Albertson's.

Is nazis The point is we, yeah, you should be able to eat there. It's not then your job on behalf of all gay people that you can't go to Chick fil A now, or you're a trader what everyone should eat their Chick fil A.

I'm brog that's not the message.

Joke is on them. I'm enjoying your sandwich.

I had a McDonald yesterday and I hadn't had it for years, but I was driving from Mammoth.

It's a long drive. I'm just like, I got to take care of this.

And uh, would you get a burn with sugar?

And I could chase that right away.

Sure, pickles that I think had pickle flavor injected onto them, and the hottest ketchup who oh.

I like just hot.

They make this burger and immediately put the ketchup on, so by the time it's yeah, it's like microwaved ketchup.

Did not enjoy the sandwich is.

Was it a cheeseburger? Was it a big mac like quarter pounder?

Okay, cheese? Yeah? I did not enjoy it. Gave me a stomach ache.

It's not good, but I eat it like I'll eat it because it's so bad.

I ate it so quickly that it was fulfilling something other than my taste. It was like a drought, like, oh, I can quit whenever I want. I basically snorted a line of of burger.

At that place too. I feel like I'm using the other food just to get to the fries. It's like when when a guy's talking to you and you realize he's just trying to talk to your friend and you're just the gate keeper. It's that That's how I'm using that cheeseburger just to get to.

Those I'm using the fries just to get to that ranch.

I'll even you own a ranch.

I do a dude ranch.

It's all dudes, no cows, no animals, and no chick fil A.

They're all no chick fil allowed. This is Jean.

This is dude's only and pro dudes.

But uh yeah, I don't. I've never liked coleslaw. I've always thought Coleslaw was just a thinly veiled excuse to be drinking water mayonnaise.

I really don't like coleslaw.

No one does. It's gross, no one ever has.

There's well, there's people who try to be like, now, this is the new version of Coleslaw where I put pineapple in a y. It's like, don't bother. It's fucking cabine. Just line your baskets with it. Cabbage should not be eaten.

No, it's for soup during the time when people were otherwise eating a boot.

Yes, it's a good option from a boot. Yes, it's a boot the same, it's a Canadian bootlettuce.

Oh cabbage, I mean Canadian boot lettuce.

Go give me that fucking Canadian boot lettuce.

No friends, door, neighbors up north, and you guys got some shitty snacks you Have you ever had.

Ketchup flavored potato chips? Yeah? Oh, you can't get me vomiting more quickly?

But have you ever had the Canadian kitcat, which is celeb I will celebrate.

It's like a fancy it's fancier, right.

The chocolate is like Cadbury chocolate. It's oh, super milk, beautiful, super milk, super milk.

It's super milk chocolate.

It isn't super milk. I guess it is super milk chocolate. Why go against you when the whole conversation is pro improv and I should be saying, Chris, not only is it super milk.

I am flipping burgers, officer.

Don't you throw your burger shoulder toward me? Let me in on this conversation.

Oh god, this has been fun.

Guys, We've done it again.

Yeah, we have another NonStop.

End.

Let's thrill ride. That is the sound of each other talking.

I feel like, are you drunk?

There's gas lak.

I feel like it's important for me to clarify right now. Sure, I do not stand behind chick fil as anti game policy.

I see it was my bad improblem that I'm not making lie of Nazis. I also I shop at all at all, I almost at all Alzheimers. I shop at Alzheimer's either based in Boise, Idaho. But I do believe the Alberton family. There's some some shady business back in the day.

Well, I feel like these You can't get away from the shady business of a company's big enough. It's just what ends up happening. Right, People are shooting like videos in my neighborhood.

Yeah, there's so many feature films being shot on your streets.

Very strange. Get out of here. We don't want your kind. He is at Army Hammer, Get out of your army.

Just get out of here with that name.

We're a Navy family.

Did you know his family owns the Hammer Museum here in Los Angeles's dad.

I'm sure he's suffered a lot.

Yeah, he has had a lot of toughs at it. Well, this was fun, it was wonderful, good to see against Steven.

Good to see Stephen. Thank you both for having mem h and for spending that hour, and thank you listeners and friends. We really appreciate your support. You've come through for us.

Yes, more than once.

I mean we really the numbers you're putting up, beautiful numbers. You're making us look amazing to our network. Exact it is your We're a breakout hits because of you, guys.

There's a lot of big wigs bring bring them down our necks, and we're scared frankly, when you guys are making us feel better.

Yeah, you're calming us down as we go into the boardroom where we're going to have to meet and say no, we did not accuse Albertsons of being Nazis.

Right. Do we have another meeting this weekend at on Friday.

Yeah, and we have to go watch them.

We shall mentioned something about Apple podcasts.

Yes, yes, Apple podcasts are communists.

No, no, we are them.

Listen to it. Listen to our podcast on Apple podcasts and wherever your Apple. We just did a whole fucking Apple plot.

No, but it helped our numbers.

My voices you've been listening to do you mean a ride see why N and.

I leave in I.

You wanna way back home? Either way we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a terminol and gay ad.

We want to send you off InStyle. You want to welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it.

We scared her? Was it fine.

Now?

Porn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

A do you mean.

With Karen and cress?

M h m hm