S2 - Ep. 49 - Karen & Chris

I have a show announcement. I'm doing an online stand up show with a one on one meet and great to follow. It'll be performed at night Light Studios on October eighth at seven pm Pacific Standard time. Early bird tickets can be purchased for ten bucks today through September thirtieth at Nightlight dot TV. That's Nightlight dot TV. Thank you, I.

Leave in I you wanna way back home? Either way, we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much.

Baggage you claim.

Give us time and a turning on Gaye.

We want to send you off in stall.

We wanna welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it. We scared? Or was it fine? Malborn?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need.

With?

Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need to ride? This is Chris.

Fairbanks and this is Karen Kilgariff.

It's uh, what a what a day of news?

Oh we're in Chris, would you say that we are in a news cycle right now? That we're amidst a news cycle?

Very much so of course, the big one. Rick Morani is getting punched.

Oh my god, what kind of a monster. I don't see these precious Rick moranis on the street.

I mean, I'm not going to say he doesn't have a punchable face, but I am going to say, whoever did that has never seen Ghostbusters?

Right? Or honey, I shrunk the kids or SCTV right, I'm SCTV.

That's a big one. Yeah, honey, I shrunk the kids. If that's all you had seen, though, I.

Kind of maybe maybe if you're like an angry old babysitter, if you something traumatic happened while that was on the TV while the kids are asleep upstairs, I get it.

And it would explain why the guy right before he did it, he yelled, I don't want to get.

Shrunk, no daddy, uh.

I Just for everyone who's learning about this while we make jokes about it, Just so you know, Rick Moranas was already quoted in some article as saying, I'm fine, so you don't be afraid for him. He doesn't seem to want you to be afraid for him. Everyone's upset anyway, exactly.

I would not be making light of it if he if it had even landed on his face. He was punched in the head. So this guy, oh is that true? Yeah, like that he probably hurt his hand. But then I watched the video. Someone slowed it down. It's just a guy in an iHeart New York sweatshirt, which maybe makes me think he's from out of town, and he was walking with his hands in the sweatshirt pockets. Can just stopped and punched a man and then nonchalantly walked away

That's horrifying. Also, it's the kind of thing.

It's like what as a child and growing up like five miles out in the country with no street lights. That was my fear of what city life was like. That you would just that if you moved to the city, you're basically volunteering to get punched in the face, like maybe once a month.

That's just kind of part of city living, right, Yeah, that is always what I thought. I mean, yeah, because that would happened in Montana. People would randomly punch you. At least Christ, do you need a headband or direct I'm tucking it, I got it. I go back and forth I gotta cut my hair. I almost did it, and then I didn't because it's like, why should I. But when it comes to just my comfort in general, what the hell am I doing?

It's it's impacting your comfort now impacting my ability to podcast.

That's my hairs reached that level where it's in my eyes and I lose my train of thought.

As your podcasting partner, I have to ask you professionally.

Please clip it, zip it or ticket or.

Man.

See, that's why you're in this business. I'm gonna grip. I'm gonna grip it, and I'm gonna rip it for those that enjoy golf more than traffic safety. I uh yes, So I thought that in a city it just was ten times more unching, but with accents like New York accents. But anytime I've been in a city, all the rumors about New York, I guess some of them are true. With Los Angeles, but i'd see eye contact, I see people being friendly. I rarely see people getting punched. But

See what the rumors about the cities are that I've heard so far. I've heard that New York is a bitch and Ella is a slut. I don't know what you've heard, but that's what people say behind their back in front of me.

Wow, it's true. Yeah, true.

I mean it's true enough to where I like that because I've never heard it before.

What should that be our new merch.

Ellie is a bitch, New York's a slut. No, it's the reverse, New York's the bitch, Ellie's slut.

Oh, okay, got come on, think it through.

Yeah, you're right, I gotta think. I got to apply my real life experience.

Come on, in your mind, drive down Lebraa and see the J and J Bieber unrelated.

LA unrelated And this is not I'm not asking for myself. Where are all these LA slots at? Oh they're not outside my apartment door. No, it's okay. It's me time learning about myself, discovering my own body so lonely.

Oh, I'm fine everything.

Are you doing some body discovery? Some seventies hippie style body discovery? I today laid down a yoga mat with my therm arrest. I used to camp on it, and I laid those down and I did these butterfly stretches where you. You kind of sit a Native American style and put your knees down, Okay, cross legged, thank you. I was trying to make a joke, but it's probably a bad one anyway, a lot of groin I did do that today. It's the closest thing I've done to like Meta in a while.

Was you basically did a couple of groin stretches.

And I put on this back brace that adjusts my posture, and I did I lifted some weights and time to turn this life around. I'm just easing into it slowly because in Montana I did zero calisthenics are stretching. Yeah, I just experienced life. But that's over, so time to sweat to the oldies inside. It's for real my purpose.

I when I get up to walk to the kitchen to get myself another thing that I've decided I need. Yeah, like if there's if the window has been too long that I have not eaten, drank, done some ingestation of some kind, then I have to go.

And when I get.

Up and I when I'm walking to the kitchen, am so sore just for that like fifteen step walk.

That's when I know it's I got to start gents, some stretches.

Yeah, Yeah, it's just something because you're right, we're looking for little rewards throughout the day, and I've used to That's the reason I used to have cigarettes. It's the reason I I did. I did for a while. Yeah, I kept it a secret, but up until we're in Manhattan Beach, I would leave to yeah, go to the

They're disgusting.

Yeah, and then oh man, if you ever saw me down at the beach after the other crushes camel crushes, cigarettes, yeah, slooting around right off the bat, I'd be like, this one's gonna be all menthol But I yeah, I stopped a long time ago, and I'm glad I did.

That's good.

But it's one of those reward things. And now now that we're locked up, yeah, I uh, you know, it's cookies and things like that. It's or just coffee, Like I'll make a pot of coffee for no fucking reason, and I'll drink it. As late as eight pm, because I've told myself I can sleep on coffee because of a nap I had three years ago after a cold brew. And now I'm like abusing every It's a stimulant and I just want it whatever it is.

I know.

Now, do you find this because I am I've always been very dependent on coffee. I drink at least a pot in the morning, yep, and then throughout I'll definitely move into a second pot if say, we have a bunch of things to record or whatever's going on. But I don't think it actually agrees with me. I think it brings out the worst parts of my personality. It brings out the worst parts of my behavior issues that I have as comedian, which is I should always be talking.

I don't. I'm just in my house looking for an upswing, looking for a mood change, Like Netflix isn't doing it for me anymore?

Right, No, and none of the regular cable channels are nothing is I know?

I don't, well, you know me and how I'm dictated by Awards season.

I just started watching Shit's Creek.

And I don't know why I waited, really the fan I am of waiting for Guffman and Best in Show and just Eugene Levy and Catherine O'Hara in general. But I when I first started watching it years ago, I didn't. I'm like, Oh, they're rich and think they're better than everyone, and the kids are sarcastic and mean, and I didn't get it. And so I jumped ahead to like episode ten of season one, and I have not laughed that hard in a long time. And I can't stop watching it and I'm in.

It's so good, you know. It reminds me. It's a little bit like a play. Are you watching it right now? I am.

I'm on Murder Mystery season three, episode six, Turn not off, turn out? Oh, it's on that weight, just hold it watching TV. It's on mute. No, it's a screen saver, I'm not rude. Oh I think she got the role. I think she got the role. And the crows have eyes. Sorry, I will, I'll pause it, I'll pose it. No, you're right, you're.

No.

No.

That show. I used to try to tell people it.

The the first like say, five episodes. The pacing is a little bit slow, but it got people started hyping it so much immediately because it's really really good.

But so then the people that this is like.

To me a modern day and it's twitter, especially if I get if I read about a thing where all these people are like, you have to watch this, it's amazing.

You have to.

I have to take get the contrarian stance and go no, I won't even though I'm not talking to anybody and no one can hear me. Right, that's my internal I have to take a stand, and then later on I'll discover the thing I was resisting and be like, oh I needed this in my life three years. Why would I resist it? And none of it really makes sense except for this. I think it's very It's the contrarian kind of stand up comic.

Yeah reaction. Oddly, I'm that way with music. I know all this music that I was. Everyone was listening to all that butt rock or whatever you want to call it, when I was enjoying my cure and my my, you know, my new wave stuff. Now I listen to it and I'm like, this is great. Why was I I don't know why I'm that way with music. I guess because of all my years playing trombone.

You're a real trombone snob.

Well, I've learned to be a bit of a music in general. You know, there's trombone and everything.

And no, true, you're so right, especially Scott. Have you ever been in a ska band?

No, but I did, uh hang out with one and even go on tour with them a bit because I'd done their t shirts and.

What was it like to be in that van? And I did, Does that sound like a.

Lot of we're not racist, but this is why we're skinheads? No, I don't know. They looked like skinheads and so I'd get in arguments with them, but they weren't.

I think they were straighted.

The style and it was also the style of that early English Like go to a show in the eighties of the Specials and you would it would look like a room full of proud boys, and.

Yeah, those skinny suspenders will steer you wrong. You have the potential to either steer you wrong or really show you what area to stay away from.

Yeah, which is a reason to not look that way. That's the reason alone. But they were standing up for what it used to mean or something, and I was like, well, anyone that sees us walking through town isn't doing that, So why can't you be by like the horn section and just have long hair. Anyway, and we went where it's pretty funny to wakeboard with skinhead ska guyes because uh, I don't know, just watching them fall and stuff, but they were my friends. It sounds like I'm I mean

Was a long time.

Congratulations. Yeah, thanks you, congratulations. I like to do little plugs. I like to plug things I've done in the past since I have nothing going on now. And yeah, pretty proud of myself.

Wait do you listen to the tape?

Sorry, let's just get into this part because this is a political podcast.

So why not just dig into the news of the Well.

It's what everyone's thinking about.

Yeah, did you listen to the tape where Melania Trump started said who gives a fuck about Christmas stuff?

No?

I got it.

I haven't. Oh you have to, and I haven't. I don't want to seem like a let's see her emails type or that doesn't make sense. But I want to see his COVID test, like I want to believe it's it's I don't like to be It's like someone hinting that you're getting something for Christmas and then it's just a series of sweaters. I believe that he would it would behoove him to lie about this, and then just because he probably doesn't want to do their debates, he

No, no, no, no, no, it's totally reasonable. It also

No?

is the worry and the conjecture of whether or not he's lying is taking up all of the media bandwidth instead of like that Trump tax story just broke. They barely had a day in the media of saying the president does he's like, you know, hundreds of millions of

Time the past four years.

So I'm smart to anticipate a negative and some shitty thing because that we've just been punched in the face over and over, right like New York City tourists over and over for the past four years.

And I think that now that because we all knew about that tax stuff, but maybe people that watched Fox or whatever didn't know about that, and now everyone knows. And so that's one reason he would pretend to get it, is for time off to quarantine. But also I feel like it would be an opportunity for him to say he has it and then and yeah and say hey,

Say that.

Yeah, he has it and he's doing great. Like the lies, I think true could get away with. But true.

Although here's the difference. And this is kind of an interesting thing. There's now these reporters that have such an eagle eye on the details, and they were saying Trump went to Walter Read a military hospital a month ago, and he took an suv there. Oh okay, the last time he went in for whatever tests or whatever reason that he went in. The mini strokes was one of the theories he took an suv. So the fact that he's helicoptering right on military one.

Or whatever that helicopter is. Yeah, yeah, they're taking that as a sign of the seriousness.

Have you read anything about him having symptoms of any kind or I haven't looked.

Dry cough, sure, sleeplessness. No, I haven't read.

He definitely has screaming spit syndrome, which is very common among men his age and ethnicity. Screaming spit they just scream and spit, and it's you're supposed to sit there and listen.

That's what they expect you to do.

Yeah, that's one of the lesser known COVID symptoms.

Yeah, definitely get the vaccine against that, for sure.

So I don't know why I can't just let myself be happy about something, But I guess it's like you said, you know a lot of times in life, like the time I did Conan and I was failing pretty good and then I got rear ended and hurt myself. I always think that if something good happens, there's got to be an immediate bad thing to level out the way.

Yeah, because that's true, That is I think that's how life works. I think it's smart to anticipate. I also think it feels bad because we've now been put in this position where we're hoping that a person gets sick because they've been so terrible. So there is the out

And yet I can't. I don't have any control over this relationship.

The fact that he specifically defiantly was pretending this wasn't happening and proudly not wearing a mask.

But it was no big deal.

It's hard not to smile when you see that he got it just because it's I mean, deserve it.

This is eituation.

Credit April Richardson, because she said this on the phone and then it blew both of our minds. She goes, we're finally seeing him experience a consequence. This might be the first time in his life he's experienced a direct consequence of anything, because him being almost a billion dollars in debt, him like all these things where clearly he gets away with everything. He has this weird rich stamp of I'll just get out of it.

For everything.

It's the one thing he can't take care of. What he can't get us, or it's by himself out of it, or steal himself.

Or lie out of it, or somehow get Steven Miller to spin it or do a different creepy plan or what.

It's like.

This is an actual consequence. We are glad that he got caught in the argument where he was saying it doesn't matter.

I'm just surprised that Malaney got it too, because I just it makes me think. Wait, they were in the same room together ever, like listening to music and reading and holding hands.

I don't know, because he yells bits at her.

Yeah yeah, and it flies six grad feet across the Oval office into her face. Well, sorry, what did she say about Christmas?

Now?

She was getting mad that people were mad at her for not caring that their children being held in cages, separated from their families and being absolutely traumatized and sometimes killed in ice detention centers. And she was like, she's talking to a friend on the phone, and the friend recorded the call and then turned it into some news outlet. But she's basically saying on the phone.

You know, I go down to visit them, but they're the ones that come up here. Obama put them in first, like she's doing, just.

Doing all the party lines of the excuses of why it's okay to have a concentration camp for uh, for people, for migrants, and then she.

Goes and then there are men and me because I don't decorate for Christmas. I mean, who gives it? Who gives about Christmas? That's so great? Oh no, she said, who can a fuck about Christmas stuff? Which is I don't know what.

Yeah, in that whole funny phone call message, that's the only thing that's going to make a lot of America ups at Christmas.

Now, hold on a minute. I didn't boyd.

Boycott Starbucks just to or whatever people do.

Yeah, she literally is someone someone tweeted the war on Christmas was coming.

From inside the house, which is hilarious. Should I should look up who did that?

I do that all the time where I read a tweet and it sticks in my mind, but I don't remember who did it.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's that's a good one, very good one. That's a very good one.

Who did it. I'll never reminby did it? Who did it? And I didn't like it? Did I?

I didn't.

I'll keep looking. Well, we will all find out.

We'll just hang tight and see if he gets sneezy. I don't know.

I want to.

I don't want to get married to whether or not it's happening. But I guess it is whatever. Anyway, last night, Aaron.

Our poor, our poor nerve systems. Last night, did you do something in local news? I?

Uh, it was pretty late and I realized I hadn't eaten. I was elbows deep in Shit's creek.

And I ordered Pha or foe.

I call it Tha. I think it's supposed to be called Tha. But then there's a place in town called Faux Show. And they corrected me, and I'm like, I'm pretty sure it's Pa. The employees correct Anyway, I ordered some. It came to my house.

Where are they from?

No, No, they're local. They were local, man, But this guy dropped it off. It comes in two. There's a little to go bucket of broth. There's the ingredients in the other bucket, so you combine them in your home. I took them out of the bags. I poured it into a larger bucket they provide, so I'm looking at a lot of PA. And then I watched Catherine O'Hara. Did you see where she's auditioning and she just starts scatting.

I haven't seen that much.

It is so funny. I watched it over and over, and I'm not kidding. I did a knee slapping thing, I guess, or I just threw my arm wear and I flipped it like that game flip a cup. I hadn't even tasted any of my fa and it was kind of hot, and I launched it on my lap, all over my floors, onto my carpet, which I'm gonna get a new carpet because it really did a number on it. I guess there's a lot of oil in that broth, but it was hot, like where my legs were pink. I had some minor degree of burning, but

Usually I'd be like.

Fuck, God, damn it, I hate light.

I usually would yell that stuff. But instead of my job.

Oh I just turned into a sex pistol you.

Oh God.

And I cleaned it up forever anyway, that was really funny. And I went to bed without dinner like a punished child. I had to clean it all up and I went to bed hungry. And uh, I mean it was it was perfect. It was a perfect situation. At no point, I swear to you, did I stop laughing. I as I cleaned it up, I was laughing. I just got to enjoy these things now because that's what happened.

Well, it's and it is an experience. It's like, even though it's a bummer, it's still something to do. Cleaning up that phu is like a project to you have that to do for another hour.

Watch.

I guess cleaning up phu that I spill on purposes my new cigarettes, Well, I guess it should make a mess so I can clean it.

I'm bored.

Hey, you want to go flip some fu outside? Yeah, let's do it really quick before.

I hit the edge.

It's so funny how rapidly and dramatically I launched all of it.

And at the end, I just I saw it was all on the floor.

But I took the cup and I just drank some of the remaining broth just to experience what it tasted like. And this was at the end of the night, and I couldn't order more, it was too late. It was such a perfect situation.

You might be in the same situation many people are in where you have basically exhausted the restaurants on your list of places to order, because we've.

All been in our houses for six months.

And so it's like, because I was about to say, kind of an interesting choice to order fa when it was like one hundred and two degrees yesterday, who was.

Yeah, yeah, I just wasn't if it was daytime and I I was outside no way, but at night with my air condish, it's like, oh, I need some hot soup.

It's getting chilli, and oh.

I'm freezy, and I a college girl in your uggs all of a sudden.

Yeah, yeah, I love winter.

First day, a fall y'all first day, all y'all sin spice latte, and I pour it on my head. I deserve this, No.

I and I had I had canceled or put a block on all my Hello Fresh meals and they started arriving so in a pinch. Oh nice, if I order something and then launch it on my crutch, I can go in and make some shrimp spaghetti or whatever they've said.

No, it wasn't shrimp on your rug, was it? Oh?

It was chicken. It was that perfect little boiled egg. It was it was everything you find.

Yeah, there was some green onions. Do you still have green onions? Kind of sprinkled about.

There was kelligons, you know, some of it. I did wait for it to just dry on the floor so I could scrape it up, sure, because oh yeah, it's hard to mop up noodle soup. And I was kind of just fed up with life. I just turned everything off after trying to clean it. And then the next day I'm like, oh, looks like we have a few ingredients still in the carpet. So I'm going to order a more natural round woven rug.

Like good.

This colored rug that I have, it's like a gradient of light colors. It was already doomed because of just normal footprints. So it's time for it to go. Now it's riddled with foe and it's time for it to go. Oh No, that wasn't That wasn't on purpose. That wasn't planned. Time to go it's riddled with foe.

It's riddled with foe. And then you're gonna later on when you.

Get your what I believe is a sizal Matt, what you're describing the natural fiber carpet. Then you can take the rug you have and you can pour hot water over it, and you can ring it out and then have a new cup of foe.

Right, I'm saying.

Later if you need money or if your things are you know what I mean, you can just kind of save it right almost like it's almost like putting it up for the winter.

Yeah, in a rug and just add hot water and ring it like it's Rawmen, this is just a bunch of flavoring waiting to happen later on, or like an astronaut meal.

Yes, but in a rug. Yeah, it's a rugstronaut.

I think I might just roll it up and let it go. I've tried to clean it up. I tried to soap it down, I tried to brush it and hang it and it still looked like shit.

So you know, who gives a fuck about Christmas? Who gives a fuck about Christmas?

That's the best. I love that she doesn't celebrate about Christmas.

Stuff.

I mean, that's the I wish that's how she talked. That's the only likable thing I've ever heard her say.

For real, I relate to her for the first time, aside from her weird glary eyes that she thinks is a good look, but she looks insanely crazy even when.

They're like there's a cameraman, there's got to be people there sort of directing or like, okay, you're talking about I forget what she cares about. But she did some earnest video where she's just side looking sideways, glaring like the evil evilist Bond villain. And then she but what she's saying is something coming from a place.

School, stay in school. Drugs are bad.

And then she starts trying dancing.

Drugs are bad. I can't remember when she lights a little pile of straw on fire with her eyes.

Just immediately shoots lasers at an ant pile.

Oh, she's you know.

What, I didn't like the first lady before I knew that she had laser eyes that she killed insects with. And now I feel like there's common ground, Brian, there's some have you seen her statue that they made.

In I believe Slovena, her home country.

If that's I think she is correct from the Slovenia, that's what I wanted to gas.

And they built her a statue, did you see that? And then it burnt down and then they replaced it. Have you It was arts and you know the writer's article that I read said burnt.

It was burnt. So I don't know if they were accusing anybody or had any.

Because what I know of statues in general is they rarely catch on fire.

Well outside of Slovenia.

Yeah, but here in My dad and I were talking about this this morning because he goes, did you see that first statue they made of her? Look like some on you're driving on the way to the Avenue of Giants, you know, there's always like a buzzsaw artist on the side of the road. That's like it's they buzz sawed a brown bear into a stump of wood my dad backyard.

There was a trace, No, and he or it was the planning. We had a chainsawready and everything. He was going to make a little bear. I don't think he did it, but yeah.

Well basically someone in Slovenia did a chainsaw bear. But it's it's Uh. I was gonna say, Miranda Trump, something's.

Wrong with me?

Stephen, do you know what I'm talking about? And could you find any could you send any these pictures and post them into our zoom chat like having a business meeting, right, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

It was burned during some July fourth celebrations this year. Let me share the page America's Independence in Slovenia. Okay, oh my god, can you see the screen? Yeah, that's the original.

That is the Milania Trump. Oh, it's made it's very old school. Oh my god, it's really funny. It's really funny. Why next to her waving it's taken from a photo?

Yeah, that's to be realistic to that. Go and then look there's the is that the new version?

I can't tell you that, John. Oh, it is on fire. It is made of wood. Even her bush base is burnt. It's got a base made of bushes and it's all burnt.

Yeah, burnt, baby burnt.

Oh man.

Some local artists, why is that? Bummed me out?

Did you guys ever see the uh wasn't it Lucille Ball? They like made a statue for Lucille Ball and it looked like something from American horror story.

Yes, it's a crazy fucking thing. Is it Lucille Ball, Yeah, I think it is. And also there's the one of that Christian Ronaldo, that soccer player, that is fucking hilarious.

That thing is unbelievable.

It's every time I see that, I think of, like, how talented A lot of the just people I went to art school with were it. Yeah, it is like why and then there's a new Yeah, it is like the horrifying They were like, okay, maybe we shouldn't just google search local artists and oh yeah there's Oh that's so funny. But the next statue is great. It's like got a patina where her eyes are blue? I love it.

Yeah, huh, there's just so many good art Well you bring up that Christian Ronaldo one, because Christian Ronaldo there it is. He's so good looking and the statue of him is so fucking funny.

Oh wow, there it is. Oh that's so it's like.

That guy.

That guy's like, I'll teach you for making fun of me in high school. Like, clearly someone forced their way into that situation and did a prank. Because I don't I don't see it at all.

It's just all, well, you know what it is.

It's like they didn't use a protractor or something so that the distance between his eyes and his cheeks and his cheeks and his mouth. The reason he's so gorgeous is because on his face those numbers, it's like the golden ratio.

And then the statue. They've brought his eyes as close together.

As possible, and then all of his features are up together instead of spread out across his face like the person.

It's his eyes and mouth are lined up on some weird angle. They're like, it's like, yeah, he used a triangle to draw those lines that everyone draws when they do an oval. And then they're like, okay, the eyes are in the middle. There's eight lines. I'm just going to put these ones at an angle. Man.

That who is that guy?

I don't even know who he is? Should I know?

I don't know who he's a soccer player, Ronaldo?

Well he's yeah, yeah, he is like a perfect faced, symmetrical faced person. Yes, that's a prank. Someone there are sculpture. It's my favorite prank. Now doing a city like funded sculpture for a town, like money's allocated for this thing. You get hired and you're like, do the best prank ever. It just you're liking to me.

Actually, I'm not a fan or a friend. I am their enemy.

Yeah, I'm going to I'm going to do a sculpture of the first Lady and it's going to be out of gas soaked wood. It's something I learned in college. Also, I will be at the end. When I'm done, I will celebrate by smoking a giant cigar.

Whoop.

I'm brining the wood in gasoline. Yeah, yeah, you an old recipe.

You wouldn't know. Yeah, I went tired school.

This is the thing we do. It's the thing we do.

That's amazing. I love Jesus.

What a day?

What a Also, doesn't today feel like a Sunday?

It's Friday?

Right, Yeah?

I have felt that way all week.

Turn the TV off. I am you're like a fucking parkey staring up it is I swear it wasn't on. It's just a screensaver and I'm looking at Shit's Creek production stills, realizing that Eugene Levy is like grew into a handsome older man. Remember he was goofy. He was good, He's looking and splash. He was like I know, you know he was intentionally goofy, and now both of the Levy men are nuts hot.

It's it's there, those Mediterranean.

Hairy, heavy browed Yeah, kind of like lantern jawed, but like it's almost like Eugene Levey's been hiding behind comedy, pretending he was a nerd when he's actually a hot guy. And he had a son who was just like, look, I'm just a hawk eye. That's also funny, too bad.

Yeah, yeah, he switched the order. I it's and I didn't even care about I didn't notice. I knew I had wispy, sometimes translucent eyebrows, but you started talking NonStop about Colin Ferrell and how his eyebrows have their own personality and dictate what the other person thinks, you know what I'm saying, And I these guys have those eyebrows I wish I had. They do should there's something?

Yeah?

No, my pillow guy, do you want do you want to be the weirdest person?

Of course not? And then off camera I take off my giant cross medallion.

No, I don't want to look like my pillow guy, of course not.

Dismantling gripping a pillow screaming mine over and over. My pillow guy is really like the second he was rising to prominence and fame and fortune, we all should have said, hey, if this isn't the seventh seal being broken, typically, I don't know what else could be, because this is the absolute exit, like the perfect example of like worshiping a golden calf like this lunatic.

I just it's the craziest.

The culture that's grown up around being pro Trump is psychotic.

Yeah, yeah, hiding behind if they were being a pillow tycoon.

But have you ever seen the ad for his his autobiography where it talks about his fourteen near death experiences because he was such a terrible drug addict before he made it big with his My Pillow The.

Only reason he was doing those drugscaren is because he had never had a good night's sleep. It wasn't until.

This creek in his neck, Oh my god, and.

It made him jump onto that white horse every weekend.

Need it smack directly mainlined into his neck vein because he could not get a comfortable spot.

The pillow was always hot.

Every time I tried to sleep, I just wake up restless and shoot into my veins.

The Black Stallion.

Then he found Jesus, and uh I do I can't stop thinking it of him. Someone just putting the camera on him in a commercial being what you just described him saying mine, mine, my only one. No, my pillow mine, people grabbing at it, dressed in devil devil outfit.

No, he has to at the at the mypiow factory, he grabs every pillow at the end of the conveyor belt, and all the workers have to go No, no, no, they're everybody's pillows.

No, we can mind, but we have to sell them.

The only the only part I don't like about making my pillows is that I have to sell them to other people.

I want them all.

Because they're mine. I mean, look, I yeah, I do. I want other people to get a good night's sleep. Sure, fine, Do I want to give all my pillows away? No, they're mine.

I'm also on the Black Stallion. You are right now.

I was gonna say, have you been riding bare back again? I just like you've been. It's always horse related similes.

Someone's taking taking a sea biscuit and go in to bed on there pillow.

I just want to shave a little off the hoof that's when you're addicted to jello.

I don't know, grouch, you get high on gelatine. Have you ever had? Have you ever had?

Yeah?

That's how I it's got.

Gelatine is very much along the same lines as Fa and Foe, where there will be people that argue, but a real food, he knows it's gelatine.

Have you ever had? Nerds?

Ropes?

Speaking of it? Is God? They're good? Why is that candy so good?

It am I making? No, it's a rope that they somehow made sticky and it's covered with nerds.

It's straight out of the.

Wonka factory, like a classic looking candy I want.

Inside is like a little I know, the inside like a little sour piece of liquor, but not because there's a different consistency. And my friend brought them over and I was like, I thought it was a joke, and he luckily left, like he brought a bunch of them over and then left like five.

And I think about them.

The weirdest thing you think about them now that they're gone.

You know, when I'm not getting up and going to the kitchen or getting up and do you know getting it's when I'm having my ingesting a new thing thoughts, Right, Nerds ropes are always on the top of the list where I'm like, I don't know how to get them.

I don't know any nine year olds. I don't know how to get this candy. I don't see it anywhere, right, It's like very specific to grammar school students, and yet I want a piece of that action.

And that was always the candy I wanted as a kid. Those little boxes sectioned often in the middle. It's such a unny gimmick. It's like, yeah, they're not you want strawberry or and then you want to mix it up. A few minutes later, I'm blueberry on the other side. It was a great idea, it was a great ia.

I love nerds and the Nerds people, and I guess that is the Willy Wonka brand.

It is one they have been.

They've been innovating since that time, so they know the kids of today aren't going to be happy, which is a plain old box of Nerds' that's too, it's too what do you call it when something's not digital?

It's mono. It's true analog analog. Thank you. They've gone fully internet with these new Nerds ropes.

A lot of kids out there are like, these can't this candy is so pedestrian, you know, they say stuff like that.

They do these kids all the time.

They're they're so technologically advanced, some of these kids when it comes to candy.

Did you know that the rope inside is actually the fire wire? It's the only that's the only computer thing I could think of Ethernet covered in nerds. Hey, let's talk about Madonna. Yeah, I will, now, did you not? She's she's gone QAnon like many of our older stars. Really, she's brought into some of the apparently apparently and then but here's what. I love the Great Power, but I love Madonna too. Look, Madonna is a wonder kind and

I feel like Madonna would listen to Annie Lennox. I do too because she.

I think we should all listen to Annie Lennox.

They came up together, if not the rhythmics before her, of course, but she there's no one that doesn't look up Danny Lennox.

She's a fucking legend.

She's the best.

Have you. We've definitely talked about this.

I can't stop thinking of an older Madonna online reading conspiracy theories. But she's still wearing that golden funnel bra with the two gold funnels on each cup. I just like that to remember the old days and be like, hey, I have all these costumes, why not wear them?

Don't go for a sec and best baby. Believe everything you read online. You know, you know you got to. Don't check a thing you see, don't worry about the sources. If it's Facebook, it's real, real.

Believe this shit.

You got to make to make believe this shit. Hey, hey, I'm sixty seven. If you want it right now, Okay, we have to stuff singing a song.

It's funny. No, it's funny because that's my favorite game, is making up songs and rasping for lyrics. But when you're doing it, I'm laughing and I can't join in necessarily. So just for future reference, we have to take turns. We have to do Okay, it's hard to do duets, That's all I'm saying. And I guess I'm also saying I can't be in your band anymore.

We will not share the spotlight with me or Madonna.

We both know I'd be in the dark shadows playing tambourine.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I don't even know how to harmonize.

Hey, harmonizing is the fucking hardest thing. It's the people that can do it. They're the only people that can do it. I can't do it. And if someone starts doing it with me, I'll just start singing what they're singing.

Right right, right, right, Yeah, it is.

It's hard.

Do you have to know about notes? Would it help that I play trombone? I have an ear for music?

Maybe it just you do you do it. It's the ear you need.

You need to be the kind of person that can tell that can hear different separate tunes. And I'm the kind of person that hears the melody and that's kind of it, and the other ones scare me. Harmonizing is like, yeah, I think you have to have a special ear and ability.

Yeah.

Anytime I've tried, or anytime someone's had the confidence in me to assume I can harmonize, I blow it big time.

Yeah.

And this is just bar karaoke, you know.

Oh, well, but that's where it's the most important, because that's where you get discovered.

Well, it's the only time I'm ever singing.

What's your what's your karaoke hit? What's your go to karaoke jam?

I mean I was a kid, and I know when it comes to karaoke, you don't want to pull out some obscure song that only you like. You're not gonna sell it.

You have to do the hits, okay, yes, and you have the group enjoyment.

And so I, without any prompt from a monitor, I'm.

Saying, can I guess? Can I guess? Can I guess? Read how chili pep of some kind?

No? No, I'm not Brooks Wheeling.

I just dominutely give it to your mama, Give it away, Give it away, give it Away Now Poppins. That's where Rob drews song blood. I always add some scat.

Sure.

I used to sing bust a move, but this was mid mid to late nineties, and I just had it memorized and I could, I could, I could do it well. And then I did want it or a live by bond Jovi. I'm not proud of these things. And then I sang I want a contest at Stockman's Bar in Missoula with I just Called to Say, I Love You by Stevie Wonder. I know it's his least, it's not his best song. I love Stevie Wonder, but that song kind of sucks. But it's the only one where he's

I do.

You want me to sing it, I will sell you on it right now.

Try it. I will not.

I can't try it. I'm starting to sweat. Don't make me sing. I will fucking faint.

I will Newesday, Such a clink clink. It sounds like someone pressed one button on the keyboard. I know that was his way of saying fuck you. It was like, oh, you want to you want another hit here?

Yeah, I know it's not instinct.

I know ding didding ding ding ding ding ding ding. Well do you like the phone?

I know it's like baby melodies, but I could sing it well and people would be surprised.

To hear it. I can't give me one line.

Nothing scares me more than singing to you that song. It's a weird thing about me. It has to be a room full of strangers. Even if we were at a karaoke bar and you were in the audience, I would not be able to sing. I have to be drunk. It has to be strangers. Yes, no friends are allowed, and that goes true with comedy. Maybe I'm happy that it's over because I clearly had a weird Yeah, it is easier.

May I'm happy that comedy is over.

It is karaoke is just starting.

They should do. Oh my god, I.

Just had the best idea. Okay copyright poor Man's copyright.

Okay, Stephen.

At one hour and three minutes and four seconds into this podcast, I just.

Better not I say burrito size corn tartillas.

That's my idea.

But corn TORTI Yes, they're wrappable. They're going to be great and they're going to be a hit. How not?

Wouldn't they break when you go to bend them?

Que formula? Hasn't everyone's always thinking about regular corn tartillas when I bring this up. These are pliable, malleable, they're foldable, and they're made of corn, and you can fry them and you can basically.

Make a hard shell burrito.

Does that? Is that music to anyone's ears? A hard shell burrito? Forget about? I mean, you will you are nay saying now, but I'll be laughing all the way to the bank. But anyway, what.

You're they're already. Isn't there already a hard shell burrito? Like when you deep fry a burrito, it's cold.

Yeah, but that's a flower tortilla. That says for gluten free people. Also, Oh, it's gonna okay, it's gonna fly off the shelves. No one believes it, Okay, I'm sorry. No, we do.

I'm sorry, I'm young, Chris. We do. We do believe in you.

We don't believe in your corn tortilla. For burrito's idea. That's there's two different things. You're not your ideas.

I always want larger corn. Okay, they can still be for giant tacos, but I know people are gonna take them home and not have an open faced situation. It's gonna be a burrito, and we'll just that it's their business.

What they want to do with their burrito at home. Is you invented again? Like my pillow. You can't retain ownership to invent these corn tortillas taketos.

Think about a taketo, a perfectly crispy taketo. Imagine now it's bigger, filled with other ingredients other than just shredded meat. That's what I'm talking about. I'm talking about a giant corn.

But this is corn.

Tomali's Yes, technically Tmali is corn also, but this is carr. I don't know. I have to heal.

I understand you. You don't believe in my ideas.

Go back to the drawing board, where I know for a fact you've drawn a corn tortillo.

Everything start, yes, I do a quick sketch, and then I'm like, I'm gonna take this to clay, and then I do a sculpture of the corn.

Then bronze Brun's like Lucio ball statue.

And then I'm like, I'm ready to go for just food ingredients. Actually, my preliminary versions are a lot more work than just food. I should have just gone straight to cornflower and okay, sorry, what was your idea?

My idea future karaoke is the future of karaoke is karaoke shows.

Like people are doing stand up zoom shows, but everyone just it's when it's your time, you just sit there and sing a song to the eight other people on the ship.

That's what I've been wanting to do with our in the Green Zoom. My manager Jessica and her other clients and I have just been Paul Danky kind of hosts and we just talk about topics and it's improvised. It's easy and fun. But I wanted to do a karaoke version, and I said that in the email and it got no responses. What I'm saying is.

I wonder if there's a music clearance issue, though people might because you can't just use songs and a show and make my think.

You can use Oh right, I don't think we're like.

Five seconds or ten seconds. There's appearance.

That's a good point. Even if it is the karaoke version of that song money Cake.

Even if you do happy birthday. And I don't recommend that you do that for my idea because you're make a good show. That's a that's private, that's for in the head. Yeah, I just I just pitched my idea back out of this. Right, you got process because it's not good.

You got to pretend you're on Shark Tank. You got to be those baseball team owners that naysay yes, Mark.

Mark Kuban look it in the face, Mark Kuben, Mark Kuben, inventor.

Of foe would.

And I can't believe the third thing. Yeah, he would say no.

He'd say no, no thanks.

Yeah, I don't like it.

I don't like Shark Tank because I don't first of all, I don't like watching people try their best. That doesn't appeal to me. And then when I see the best and that's what it is, where it's like it's dish hoowels that you can you know, make magnetize to the refrigerator whatever ship, where it's like this is your life dream, this is every you're putting everything into this.

I see a lot of heart I hate, but a lot of times they deserve it. And if there was an eleven year old kid came on and he's like because his dad said, just think of a problem if you want to invent something, because that's all the kid said, I want to invent something. I want to be on Shark Tank. He said, think of a problem, think of a solution, and we'll pitch that. And then the kid to try and think of the problems or think of

And so he picks me he actually invented it.

Yes, and it's like I think it's going to come along with Lego kids now and.

It's a little kid.

Little kid didn't enter.

I love it. Yes, that's smart.

We've both we both need to reapproach our inventions with this eleven year old approach, which is what problem are we I'm solving no problems by bringing karaoke into the home, right, that solves no problem and it just doesn't serve the whole idea of karaoke is like you say you're in public, you're getting drunk, and then you're doing something with that d.

Doing another people go to like the in the ones in Koreatown where you're in a booth with three of your friends and sing to people you already know. Again, it makes my back sweat and I want to face I don't want to do it. I don't want to sing to my friends. They all I'm going to do is change their mind about me if they like me. I don't know.

I mean, but maybe not.

Maybe it's not that maybe our vulnerabilities aren't so right there on the surface like we think. Maybe it's not that tenuous that you can get kicked out, which is look, everyone's fear. As human beings, we all want to be included. Yeah, so I don't know if you've If you and your friends chose to go to a Koreatown karaoke bar that has individual booths, then wouldn't your friends be in the wrong for kicking you out since that's that's what the fuck they signed up play.

I think a lot of people do it that way. So I think your invention isn't bad. If you have that in a zoom situation, people would enjoy it. There should be more zoom karaoke shows. I don't know, if that's an invention and money does not need to be transacted. But I do want money for my corn tortillas. I'm going to make it happen, and you can, may say, all the way to me going straight to the bank, Karen.

I want to believe in you. I just am worried about the burrito sides. It Burritos fold almost like a rectangle, like a like a long three D rectangle. You have to picture that where you need it has to fold one to like a couple times, and corn tortillas infamously one.

It's it's not going to be flower, but you know, because that defeats the purpose. But there's going to be something in it that acts as a flower. And they don't have to be around They could be triangular shaped. What do you think of that?

So so so, then you're folding in the corners like origami and you're making like a burrito stork.

Yeah, I've want a burrito swan and I want it now. I want to bite its head off and have delicious taco meat in my mouth.

Yes, yeah, but there's only a little bit of taco meat in the in the head because it's a swan.

All the real good meats down in the guts. Yeah, because those birds are dumb.

They're dumb, they have tiny brains. I don't eat that part and expect a bunch of meat.

I'm just trouble I think I'm I'm troubleshooting. I'm gonna nail it one day.

Okay, because I've had I'm just trying to I just want to tell the truth.

I've had gluten free tortillas and tortillas in general. When they're like, like, let's go back to the tokyo taco our takyo argument?

What is w talk to you?

I want to talk to you about takios. I. Oh, I never say flower. I'm like, what are you a child? Do you want corn or flower? Oh? A flour because I'm uninteresting corn. Everyone should be getting corn tacos.

My knees. Nora has, as you well know, she can't eat gluten. She has siliacs.

So if you come up with this, I have seen my sister buy her gluten free tortillas and they're they're not what you're looking for.

It in a flower or corn towards win and.

Strain, you just don't even need to be good. I'm just looking for a get rich fast scheme, and I'm going to take these people for all their money.

That's right, because I know torn tortillas don't fold into a burrito.

I'm not an idiot, but think of the think of all the people that'll try it out.

And then I moved to Canada.

Yeah, and right is the right as the breaking starts on the second turn where it's like, wait, this can't and that's then we hear your car wheels of your new Porsche peeling out as you drive to VANGI.

Yeah, yeah, son of a bitch. He did it again.

He did it again. The invention banned it.

Chris, if you right now, Uh, we're standing at a taco stand, say one of the many delicious ones over in your.

Neighborhood, Yes, any of them?

What's your what's your number?

One?

Like kind of off the cuff taco go to? Obviously, we know you're gonna say it's on a corn tortilla, So that's a given. What is inside that taco that's making it happen for you?

Thank you for asking. I'm a chicken man, always have been, even when I feel confronted by animal things. Sure, the chickens. I've been around at some point I will say, fuck you, stop pecking at my chins. They're mean birds. I don't eat pork anymore. I don't want to eat cows anymore. So I eat chicken, even when I want to try the carne asada or whatever. Anyway, for uninteresting reasons, it's chicken and I Yeah, I just whatever vech I like

Yes? It can.

I like it. Could you make the avocado into it some kind of a tortilla?

Oh my god, what if that's the missing ingredient?

Answer? Boom, It'll be pliable. I get fifty percent. You have to give it to me now, it's my tillo.

Now, in the tune of a Madonna hit, I have I think that there is a missing ingrede. There is if there's avocado flower out there because it has fats in it. Yeah, I can't stop inventing food things. I think I've gotten cocky with my learning to cook. With the Hello Fresh, I feel like I'm a food inventor now.

Because you are living in a tortillo world and you are a tortilla with avocados. Girl. Last night, I.

Dreamt of a bagel with an olive and and cream cheese. This is what I want to eat, LaRita.

See, it's it's fun. It's fun, and it shouldn't be illegal.

It shouldn't be Oh, I can't bear. I can't believe this podcast. It was Madonna money shit?

Do we get insurance?

I liked her better when she has friends with Rosie O'Donnell.

I liked her better when she wore a monocle. Wait is that r Yes?

That was good her peanut detective days. I miss that Madonna once again. Imagine her with thick glasses, learning about conspiracy theories on the internet, wearing a robe, but she's still on the outside, has the golden funnel bra.

See it's making a laugh.

It's how I imagine her always. She'll always be do you have any do you have any other business we need to address?

I just to remind I have a show on the eighth ticketed online show that I'm gonna try some new not necessarily stand end up things on I'll say that much what's called it's called. I haven't changed, even though the picture is of me looking like an oil lawyer of some kind, and.

It's your own your own individual show.

Yeah, yeah, on the eighth.

Is it on twitch? Is it on vimeo? Is it what?

It's nightlight dot TV? It's night light.

Night light night light TV dot TV?

Thank you?

Oh sorry everybody?

That the War on Christmas was coming from inside the house was a tweet by Jabooey on Twitter at Jbowie just so, just so credit is due.

All right, well let's go with thanks everybody. Yeah, thanks everyone listening you've been listening to. Do you need a ride?

Do you need a ride? D y n d y n A r R?

Is that harmonized?

I leave you wanna way back either way, there doesn't matter how much baggage you claim. Give us time and a terminol and gay. We want to send you off in style.

Do you want to welcome you back home? Tell us all about ity scared? He was it fine?

Melbourne?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

To ride?

Do you need.

With Karen and Kress

M m hmm