S2 - Ep. 48 - Chris & Karen

I have a show announcement. I'm doing an online stand up show with a one on one meet and great to follow. It'll be performed at night Light Studios on October eighth at seven pm Pacific Standard time. Early bird tickets can be purchased for ten bucks today through September thirtieth at Nightlight dot TV. That's Nightlight dot TV. Thank you. I leave in I you wanna way back home?

Either way, we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim.

Give us time and a turning on Gaye. We want to send you off in stall. We wanna welcome you back home. Tell us all about it.

We scared or was it fine? Malborn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you ride? Do you need.

With?

Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need a ride? This is Chris Fairbanks and this is Karen Kilgareth. I'm home, Karen, Chris. As you can see by the background.

You there's a distinct lack of beautiful paintings behind you. That's how I know you're back in l A.

You mean these beautiful paintings.

It's stuts backward.

Oh oh yeah, that's mine. That's the wrong one. I haven't out yet. I also grabbed a lot of my dad's paintings that I've admired over the years, and and I realized when I got home, I don't have a lot of wall space.

I have to.

Reopen a gallery.

Yeah, I got it, Jim Banks, Jim Bark answer, I have to open a gallery in my father's name.

You should, and it's going to be I don't.

I think the rent each month for the gallery space I'm envisioning for him is going to be about fifteen grand.

So, but I guess we should start making.

More merch huge endowments for such things.

Oh is that true?

Could we tap into Yes, maybe David Geffen would help us.

Yes. The just the government right now is way into the arts, and they're just pouring money. I know that the liberal arts college in my hometown is just thriving.

Just I mean, it is what these people care about the most, expression compassion.

Yes, I uh, but I had the best time. And oddly though, I walked into my apartment and I don't know if it's in my brain, but I'm smelling hints of some kind of animal urine. Now, Oh, I don't know there is a hole. There's a hole in my closet that is casually covered with clear tape. Okay, and I noticed that when I put it. Yeah, yes, of the I mean it's packaging tape at least. Okay, Okay,

Could have been that the previous tenants had cats and you didn't notice when you first moved in. And now it's like with the summer and the heat and everything that's been going on while you were.

Oh, is my nose is deacclimated because I've been smelling fresh Montana air up until the fire thing.

Let me ask you a couple questions. Now, looking back on your trip, we'll do a little bit of a scrap book of your trip, your stay in Montana, was it love scrap.

Booking, the verbal scrap book creative memories. My sister was a consultant. It's a scrap booking hustle. Anyway, I was there a month and a half.

Okay, what would you say was your favorite dinner that was made for you at your dad's house.

Oh, that's a good question. My stepmom mel is actually a very good cook, and she made many a meal. But what is standing out the most. I'm a real sucker for a shrimp pasta situation. Oh and I don't know if that means scampy. I throw that word scampy around a lot, but I think it was. Yeah, it was like a shrimp scamp noodle situation.

And I shrimp that far inland. That's interesting.

Yeah. Yeah, you know they flash freeze it and they can send it anywhere, even when you have shrimp here in California. They're not just pulling it out of Venice Beach. You know, it's true. Yeah, it's it's coming from where shrimp are big and being frozen and send here too. It's same with our sushi, Like they're not necessarily getting yellowfin tuna out of the Pacific.

In San Diego.

Yeah, I think.

I don't.

I don't eat seafoods, so none of this impacts me. I just because I worry about old fish.

Yeah, yeah, I do. I wonder what they do when they're bored. It's gotta be I worry about elderly fish. No one's visiting them now because they're in their little fish homes. Let's move on.

What was it in the evening? Did you guys watch a TV show together? Did you ever play cards or games? Did you do like a family fun or was it like every man to his area.

No. I My dad watches a lot of programs, and I watched those with him. It wasn't until I got to my sisters that it's like we are playing games, and we're playing uh, and we are. We started watching Cobra Kai, which is for kids, and I heard it was good though, like I'm enjoyable. I did too, I heard, but it is laughably a lot of the dialogue. I was rolling my eyes and going and yelling no. But I couldn't stop watching it. Yes, and I got into the second season and I watched last night. I watched

But I wonder if my friend, do you know Ken Daily. He's on Blank Pach and Brian Possain's podcast nerd Poker, which is a D and D play game plan.

I know about the podcast, but I don't know him now.

Okay, So my friend Ken Daily, who's one of the very first people I met when I moved to Los Angeles in nineteen ninety four, is he is one of those classics. He is a Lien native. You've ever meet those? He was a child actor.

He was He.

Played this Sun on a Star Wars Christmas special from nineteen seventy seven Christmas special.

I have watched, Yes.

Okay, he's the curly haired son on that crass special. Ken has had the most fascinating career in life. He was in the I wonder if I now I have to watch it because he was in the original Karate Kid as one of the Cobra Kai toughs that like when they get in that fight on the beach.

He's there, like yeah, man, and like, well that three or four of the main Cobra Kai guys are in the movie, and you know they don't act anymore. They're probably lawyers and owned car dealership. Absolutely yeah, and yeah, I bet he's in there with Do you remember what was he Johnny or Bobby or Kenny.

They all had Well, he might have been Kenny because they may have given them their own names, but he had he was from one. I remember all of us watching it together just to like yell and laugh because he was in it. I think he was wearing a block jacket and he has curly hair and he has like a very irish looking face.

Yeah, Levin, the evil sense was in it.

I love that.

You know what they're doing.

They're making television or Netflix or whatever. It's Netflix, right, Yeah, they're making shows intentionally so that the parents and kids can watch together.

That's so smart.

It is and I did. My niece has loved it. They're sixteen, and they were like and we they were cringing at the same things. But it is the formula. I wish I knew how to write like this or in general. I've never written a script. What the hell do I know what I'm talking? But it is. It taps into something where it just kept drawing me in, even though and some of the you know, it's ten people writing it. One of the guys is the Harold

Yeah, Georgia had the exact This is so funny because the last on the last my favorite murder. Georgia said the exact same thing, where like they started watching just because there was nothing else to do, and then they were binging it and they couldn't stop watch it and they loved it.

Yeah, it's totally You're right, it's combined for young teenagers and their parents who grew up as teenagers watching.

Yeah, I mean, because that's actually very satisfying.

Like I love the idea that your sister gets to sit there with her kids and she knows what's going on, and they're like, oh, it's a show, you know what I mean, Like, it's very inclusive.

What's your friend's name?

Ken Daily?

Ken? Daily? We got Rob Garrison the uh my sister and I used to always quote it because he said the Tommy guy in it said the like give him a body bag, Yeah, give him a body bag. Sure, it was just some of his improm Give.

Him a body bag and then make him unzip it and get into it it, make him do the work a corner would normally do.

I love where you went with that, Tommy, but could you just shorten it less about the corner and the whole process You mentioned it embalming at one point.

Uh let's not make it am let's not make it a monologue. Let's just have it be a quick line, because you're just you're taunting him.

Really, it's not. I love that you prepared things. I love that you brought your own script notes.

But the work is great. We love to see it, but.

We're going to kill you off in twenty twenty. I hope you're okay with that. Uh yeah, And I teared up a couple of times. I sure. And I can't blame living alone anymore because I just had human interactions and I thought it's Jim and I'm just right back to being weird. I immediately my plants ran to the door and greeted me. I immediately went crazy, is that cat pee? Guys? No, we don't know what you're talking about. Oh, plant, do anything? I can pee at all? While you were gone,

Oh, that's good. Yeah, the name fern would be good for a Oh. I was going to say dog, but then it were to remind you of where the red fern grows.

That's all. Oh, I mean that that's one of the only books I remember reading as a kid, and there's a point where he gets in a fight and some kids stomps on his feet with combat boots or with cowboy boots, and it really stuck out to me. Also, those dogs die, Oh they die? Yes?

Spoiler alert, right, don't they guys? Spoiler alert for Where the Red Fern Grows. If you're going to grammar school in nineteen seventy five, right now, we're going to really ruin this book for you. That probably doesn't imprint anymore. I wonder if they still make grammar school kids read Where the Red Fern Grows, because that would actually impact a child negatively, which they don't like doing anymore the way they did in the seventies and eighties with us.

Yeah. Yeah, they used to like to give you a little bit of trauma reading.

Yeah, you're like, oh, I'm sorry.

You put these dogs on the front of the book and they're his best friends and it's a whole thing and then they're dead. Okay, thank you. Cool, and that you're saying, that's the way. That's one of the many things I'm in experience in life that are going to be really negative.

They also, did you have to read the Outsiders.

Oh, I fucking loved The Outsiders. I read all those s Hinton books I.

Hadn't read, you know, I of course grew up watching the movie. I grew up continually over and over watching it. I love that movie, and I love the Stagold Stevie Wonder song out But hell, yeah, that book, it's your losthood.

Diane Lane yells at it. Matt Dylan at the movie theater. It's the best thing.

Mustang's a tough car. Yeah, I was way into the movie. But the book is sad. Like the hole where he burns in and gets burnt. I mean that was stuck with me.

Also, those boys are just kind of on their own, that idea that parents would just kind of like, you know, either die or move away or something would happen, and then it's like, oh, and then.

It's just a house of boys. Yeah, very appealing to me.

Of like, now, where's this house of boys on the wrong side of the tracks.

But that are all like ripped adult They're.

Ripped and there, and they they're all sleeveless in some way. They're fairy and their hairs greased down or whatever. But I think I've told you this for sure. But my dad would always read every book we were reading so and so basically so he could make joke references to us.

So he after we all, that's read The Outsiders. I really like that he did that. Yeah, it's he's a he was an excellent father, a plus.

But he read that book and then wouldn't stop calling me and my sister a pony boy in soda Pop. And he thought it was just him being He never stopped trying to embarrass us at all times. So then he'd like, come and stand in the doorway your room, like what are you doing.

Soda pop?

What's a pony boy? And we'd be like, Dad, stop it, your ruining it.

Well you had friends over yep. Yeah, I yeah, I was dramatized by that book. I don't it was rough.

Wait, I have one more anecdote about The Outsiders. Yes, because you know that movie hit when I was twelve, so it was it was a very big deal and it was essentially like Junior High.

Magic mic in nineteen eighty two.

Oh, it was a big deal.

Eighty three, eighty three maybe so. A girl in my class, Veronica Froschel, had a birthday slumber party. Me and my friend Holly went to it, and part of the party was we were going to see The Outsiders the nine o'clock Show at the one movie theater in town. While we were walking into the theater, all the people from the eight o'clock Show or the seven thirty show were

The window washers that made their way in.

Oh yeah, they're washing something, so they're watching something on the side of the house. I was just like, it's said sound like in a movie where it's like, oh, the second floor, there's a sound and then it dripped, rip and the whole thing falls in on you.

Yeah, like the money pit. Yes exactly.

I have money pit fears with this house.

It's drumming.

We're sitting there, Shamain Rozalez walks up the aisle and I'm like, Hey, what's up. This girl in my glass, she squats down next to me and the hill another spoiler alert everybody, it's another one coming forty years after. So uh, she squats down next to my chair and looks at me and goes Johnny.

Dies and then she leaves.

And she said it.

Her tone of voice was like, look, I'm really I care about you. I need to tell you this. So she fucking ruined the movie?

What what? Did she do it as a joke or was she like, I don't want you to see this and burst into tears, so I'm going to break it to you easily.

It was like a joke she loved.

She was savoring the opportunity to ruin the movie for me, but in a way that like, I mean, these are this is this is thirteen year old girl politics that I'm letting you in on right now. I don't think she liked me. I later on found out that I was. She tried to be nice to me when I very first got to that school, and I guess I wasn't reciprocating her niceness, but I was scared shitless because I

It was hilarious.

I went through the same thing. It was all new kids in sixth grade and I didn't know anyone, and yeah, there was a lot of no one likes me. And then at the end of the year, every huge comeback, every huge comeback, huge comeback, But it wasn't without a little work.

Yeah, it always is, you know why, because the funny kids fuck it up early. We're anxiety ridden and we use comedy to kind of like get what we want. But you have to learn how to do that by doing it incorrectly when you're twelve. Essentially, that was my where people like when I was older and people would be like, oh my god, everything you say is funny, and it's like, it hasn't always been like this. It

Yeah, of course you have to learn and get good at it. If that's going to be your thing, you want to be good at it and that's what I did too. I'm like, I'll just make everyone laugh and I won't get beat up like my dad did. All of my stories because they moved around a lot. My grandpa was a truck driver, I think that was the reason, and my grandma was a teacher. My dad was constantly in different schools and he just had to fight the bully everywhere he went. And so I thought that's what

Was and maybe mouthed off a little bit to the security guard at the Bridgetown after party.

My dad was tough. Maybe I'm tough too, and I'm not. I'm not.

That's a real story, the one I just referenced.

Member, you got into that phone phone man with the security guard who was an actual police officer. It was a woman. Oh well, she was not an actual police officer.

She was a security guard.

She was an off duty police officer that was doing security stuff on the side. Oh for some reason that and so I Charlene I got her phone number. I got this CoP's phone number, and I texted her. I said, I'm very sorry. I was being a drunken fool last night. And she texted back and said, don't worry about it. And I said again, no, I was out of line and you were just doing your job. I was peeing by a dumpster. And she said she did call me an asshole or an idiot. I think yeah, And I

And that's when you're the girl that you were seeing.

You got kicked out of the party, and then she pretended she didn't see you kicked out and kept dancing with some dipshit and I remember you making eye contact with me, and I was like, I have to go out a side door. This is getting so fucking high school.

Like, can you get her kick it in there?

Just like what? She doesn't want to leave with you?

She she immediately got married to someone and has a baby. Now she just imming good, yeah, great, yeah, perfect. And then I was going to drive through that. I was going to go to Portland and then go down through your stomping grounds and go to the Bay Area. And it was just so hazardously smoky that so on fire. I just I really wanted to go to Monterey and camp. I got a new tent and I wanted to use it,

This is like the third story where you you, even though it's our podcast, you're getting shit and I don't get it.

It's a person. She's a personal friend. I met her in San Francisco and we've stayed in touch. It's it's separate. We have a side from the podcast. She just and now she likes my stand up and she wanted Chris Fairbanks, the stand up comedian from Rescue Cactus.

I see I'm hearing what the truth is here. Formerly I'm hearing it.

Formerly she was introduced through our podcast, and I bet if I if I she just didn't want to bother you.

I I don't want.

I too late now, No.

There's an empty space for you and a cardboard, a piece of cardboard wait to be printed on from there.

My father has been following the forty nine ers since they've been good, then shitty.

I've been kind of.

Getting better. Don't deserve it. My father is a raiders man. But now I see your upset, your your cord and your earphone corns are tangling. I'm jealous. I will jealous of everything. I will do what I can.

Meanwhile, behind me, there's like purple mattresses stacking up. I never am not given the free things constantly because of my point at.

No, it's okay. I got the purple mattress stress, that purple thing that you threw in the air one time we're recording. I got one, and it's just I think it's an example of the material in the mattress. I think that that is inside it is indeed purple, and it is the most I can't stop playing with it. I can't stop holding it. I don't know what to do with it. Stick pins in it, I don't know.

You know what's funny.

I did Jimmy Parto's podcast recently and he had the exacts. He goes, Jesus Christ, you got one of these, and I'm like, well, I actually got a full mattress and then it got really mad. Well great whatever, and he's like, well, they send us these. I can't stop touching it, and I'm like, well, I had one. I threw that one away because, as I realized in quarantine, I was like, that's probably the dirtiest thing in this entire house because I won't stop touching it.

You know what you can get? They have these uv or infrared little boxes and you can put your masks and your phone in it. It's cheap and available wherever you find your UV boxes Amazon or but it will disinfect your phone with light, or your little mattress squeezy thing or your masks. Yeah. I just my friend had one and I used it, and I'm like, I'm getting I'm getting.

One, honestly and sincerely, congratulations about your cardboard cutout.

I'm right. The name of the actress that played Blossom mayam be Alex may'am. I'm right next to her. And then another actress who I don't know. I think maybe was a YouTube famous person turned actress I Google. I hadn't watched anythings she'd done. I'm just rubbing it in more. I'm in between. Yeah you are. I'm in good company. Betwe that this girl loves yes m by Alex. Yeah yeah, Chris Blossom just make it worse. If it's any consolation, my shoulder didn't quite line up to they cut out

Is Chris Fairbanks?

Yeah?

Wait, so we could actually when the forty nine ers play, Oh you could actually watch and try to find you.

If they're getting some TDS touchdowns touchdowns right, I use the TV's.

I'm like, do they get free Did you get a free TV because you were a cardboard cutter?

I want a TV.

I have TV. I think I will be visible people. I think they're going to zoom in on it and be like, oh, there's going to be stop the gameplay for a minute. There's a dog in the audience. I keep having this dream player passes the ball up to the dog.

No one takes it. He's just holding it up there.

You know, the guy that just made the touchdowns, like, this one's for you, buddy.

No, everyone's like, it's not a person.

I especially love the photo because this as a dog healer's will like at my at my friend Ross's. I should say last night names like you do. Ross Peterson's Ross Peterson. You know everyone's last name. It's incredible, But I don't know why.

Oftentimes I call people by their first and last name, depending on the personality, depending if you're like a person, that's their first and last name.

It's like it's a little bit of a yeah, it's just a habit.

I yeah, no, I think anyone would appreciate it. I love it when people say hello, Chris Fairbanks. Yeah right, it feels goodel Yeah, you care to know both the words that are my moniker.

And it's almost kind of saying mister. But it's like, I'm not going to call you mister because I know you personally, but you're still a little You're not close to me, you're still a constant.

As well as a person.

Well, then call me doctor. I I this dog thought at we were in a group in a field. We were just the bachelor party was just shooting bebeguns at cans in a field in my camp. And this when we were sexiest, all oh god, and yeah we the just sultry photos. A lot of photos were taken, a lot of shirtless, a lot of dirt a lot of carrying logs over to where we were shooting babies, and a lot of getting shot by Beebe's. I have scars

If you guys were shooting bb guns, but then then two of you went off to find new cans or some weird shit like that, the dog would go round them up and make sure they came back.

Kadugan that is named after Killer Kadukan, I believe from a wrestling episode of Ren and Stimpy that used to make us laugh. Anyway, Cadogan would run and yeah, you got to get back with the group, any bar come on and nip at your ankles until you're back with everyone, and then the dog would relax.

There's a real good That made me think there's a real good overhead drone footage of a.

Shepherd, one of those dogs.

Yeah, yeah, I don't know if it's an Australia shepherd.

Yeah, actually doing that with sheep and you see it run, but it's so high above that you get the entire picture of what the dog is doing. And you watch as these sheep spiral into their pens and it's all because the way the dog runs in the directions, and it is gorgeous. If you're looking for something soothing and fascinating, it's the coolest.

Yeah, it's like watching birds fly around in weird formations, and it proves how smart those dogs are. They're like, oh, I'm going to fake you out and I'm going to juke you over here and then yep, I'm going to get everyone confused, and then I'll come from the side and that'll get in the gate. It's like a person. A person wouldn't even know how to do that.

No, No, to are fascinating.

You'd have to run and everyone's try. I tried it with chickens for some I hosted some game show called Who's Most Loved by Animals? It was a remake of a Japanese show and for.

One sorry, that's the title they went with.

Yeah, by animals. I think it was what you know what the Japanese show was called, and it was translated, but just a direct translation. Guy yeah, yeah. And there was a guy from Japan that was not I don't think he was happy with how our version of his show was going. But at one point we had to herd chickens and you got some seed, and you had to get some chickens through this little runway into this pen, and no one could do it and a dog, a

No dogs, leave it to dogs, please, yes, it is it and be chickens. You can't rely on chickens for any kind of critical thinking, any logic based anything. They are not going to do what you want. I was just thinking though, because I do my brain does this automatically. If someone goes I worked on a show. Here here's the concept, here's what we did. Then I start writing alternate pitches because that's my bizarre compulsive brain of I have to get this job too, yeah, or I have to.

Scary intimidating, and I don't know what I think they're gonna do to me. They're gonna goose you, that's what. Well, then they will goose you, they put.

The problem with them is they hiss and so they're really they're pretty, then they're super scary. And when they hiss at you, you can see tiny shark teeth in their creepy beaks.

Yeah they have those. Yeah, they have a little sharp, horrible little teeth. Yes for what tearing meat.

And they'll come at you too.

They go, they put their long neck down and their head gets real low and they run at you like Anjean had two geese, Maud and Clyde or some shit like that, and they would chase us around the barnyard constantly, like as children.

That they were horrible.

Yeah there, I mean you can that's your whole evening if you start googling, geese attacking humans. You've got, you're done for the night. Make some popcorn, baby, baby, you're in, You're in for the evening. Yeah, you don't need to go outside for at least two days once you get that geese.

Let's go back quickly to the verbal scrap book that we were scrap booking. Yes, let's just say overall, a month and a half is quite some time to say to stay.

Away, especially when it was supposed to be two weeks. Yes, and yeah, you gave me permission to stay for a month. I did. Yeah.

I like to do that where I come through and act like it's my choice in your life, and then I go you can, Yes, feel free too, You're fine.

And you said all I have to do is tidy up and clean the dishes every once in a while. And that's what I did. Did I really? Yeah? You did? You gave me instructions at the end of the visit.

Did your stepmom say thank you, Christopher, And you've been so helpful?

Not not outright, but I could. We had good We had a good time, and I think I was I didn't feel like I was a burden. But it was time to leave because looming above them is the fact that I was meeting with my friends and skateboarding and camping and they don't know. They might think that I'm in a room or in a house with a bunch of people threatening their lives every time I come home. Yes, and I don't have that pressure here. So that's kind of the only reason I came home, because I I

I need to go places where they can pay for stuff, which is not major cities, which needs to change. They need to go to places where they know other people, where they can have some community, because it's really terrible to be like in lockdown alone in a city and like your friends are moving away or you just.

Don't get to see them or whatever I mean.

It is.

It is a it's bizarre. I do not I anybody that moves home.

I'm like, hell, yes, yeah, it does make sense.

It makes sense.

But the wan time I'm there, you know, I was just regrets. I felt like a seventeen year old on summer vacation, like I don't have any worries. And after a while that will wear on you because it's like, Okay, I have to do something worthwhile. I have to be at least available to audition for distanced commercial shoots or whatever. Something will happen where I will realize, oh, it's a

So, yeah, that makes sense.

Yeah, it's hard to I used to have like true panic attacks when I would go home for like Christmas or a holiday, especially when I was younger, because Los Angeles does have this vibe where like, if you're not in town and something comes up, there are fifteen thousand people who will do it instead of you. It's not like you're the special one, no matter what level you are at, Like, it's not like that. So there's definitely that, especially as first stand up comics.

It's very true, and I know it's I've had it that way when I leave for three weeks or month, I come home and I'm like, oh, I'm not on any shows. Yeah, and I'm out of the Improvs rotation. I'm I'm out of the game. I ruined everything just by But right now everyone it's you know, nothing's happening.

Everyone's in the game.

Yeah. So I didn't feel too bad about it, But I am glad that I came home and there isn't smoke everywhere. And it seems relatively.

That you came home at the perfect time because all the smoke just well, there's still a little.

Bit in the valley, but it's nothing like it was.

Thank God.

Now that you're home, you've absorbed a little bit back into the city a little.

What is the thing you missed?

I missed my friend Jim. I hung out with him last night.

Jim Hamilton, the famous comedian.

Yes, yes, the famous joke riding master Hamilton and a true original. Oh god, what if I can't think of a second thing? Gelson's I missed all my Hello freshes, come here. I like my apartment. Yeah, that's that was one of the things I had, all those little furniture things I was getting from from thrift stores in Montana, I was excited to set them up in my apartment and these pages, like it has to be something like

No, he did a time, remember he did a little bit of the voice at the very end where he was like, well christ and Carre. He did it yeah, yeah, like an announcer voice, and it was like whoa.

It was the coolest.

It sounded like what the radio used to sound like back when there was four choices and there was like three announcers.

You know, he's one of those guys.

Some of it. He did a radio show with his other friend of his, this eccentric guy, Dave Bennett, and they did some comedy routine stuff too, and I've never heard it, and now I have the player, I can just listen to it unreal to reel, but I'm going to get it transferred.

You can listen to it and you can steal any joke you like, because the statute of limitations is up on that material.

Yeah, yeah, I'll steal all York.

Just steal their act. You've got the new one thousand year old man routine.

That's what That's what Paul Shor's dad did. He well, my dad would write jokes for him and then he wouldn't pay. He'd say he was going to pay him, and then he didn't pay for real. Yeah. Yeah. I one time I ended up sitting near Polly Shore and I or he was on this show that I used to write for and he was a guest, and I said, my dad said that he would sell some of his topical jokes that he did on radio to your dad.

Parking is a monster.

Yeah, yeah, I don't want to park at Barney's Beanery and run up the hill and be sweaty, to not do it's set and just sit and be sweaty and think I'm not part of this boys club. You actually send Bully short.

He wouldn't pay.

Yeah, why why did I do that?

It's just it's it's your innate need to create moments, special moments.

One time, and I don't. This is probably why. But when Sarah Silverman would have those parties and you were there at this one, the one where we kept pretending we were going to jump off the roof. Yeah, that's what I do every time i'm there. Why is there no handrail? There is a railing, but it's like thigh high.

But also at that party, that's what the whole party was, because there would be this very odd mix of incredibly famous people. Yeah, and comics, and that is a deadly combination because comics can't control themselves.

I can't, and you're not alone.

Our instincts are to say a thing that sound good in our head, and only when we hear it out loud do we go, oh, you.

Could also take this this other way.

Yeah, that happens to me all the time, where I think I'm being friendly, but I'm so goddamn like passive aggressive and agro that then I say it and then the person goes, oh, I don't know, and then I'm like, oh, no, I didn't mean it. I didn't need to confront you, but I am now that I hear myself, I am actually yeah, confronting.

Damn it. I just remember her walking away and me saying sorry, that's all I remember, and she said she said when she got a cigarette from Henry, She's like, so, what are you guys doing here? Just like conversation starter, and Henry was like, we're friends with Sarah. She invited us, and then she was like, yeah, I figure that's probably the case with everyone at her party. And then it was like, I'm an idiot.

God, yeah, but I'm sorry.

Uh as a person who is it is neutral on Jessica Alba, she asked the fucking question, but then she is your rank of a better icebreaker friend? How about you walk up and you go, this is my favorite. You know Danielle Kramer who runs.

Yes, exactly right, it's the best.

She We were on a meeting the other day and she and Katrina, who is our mind bogglingly genius business affairs lawyer, they said that they started.

An interview the other day by saying, do.

You like Halloween?

And the idea of that made me laugh so hard because it's like we were and Katrina goes, it's a good question if you think about it, and I'm like, no, it's actually a make or break like I would ask that and if someone's like, no, I think it's stupid. I'd be like, and I think you're stupid. Goodbye, Like it's actually the best holiday. You dip shit goodbye. And then if somebody says, yes, you're now off and running into best costume's, best candy, you know, best memory or whatever.

Yeah, I got it. And especially as you get further and further into adulthood, Christmas because it was nothing could compete with Christmas when I was young, and now it's I'm starting to feel that, oh god, I got to go shopping. Halloween is just dress up and have fun. And every year, ye, I have pretty lofty costume. I have to do another optical illusion where it's fake legs and I'm holding I have to do something this year. You have to invent a new version of it. Yeah, yeah,

Yeah, it's definitely going to be this.

I still got to make a costume and at least take it if.

You want to go and let's collect a spittle from other people's houses. And then just see and eat it and see if we get this terrible disease or not.

That was one of my fears I as a kid. They just tell you that every carameled apple you're gonna get, it's gonna have a razor blade in it.

I don't know if they did that happen ever, I mean, you know it's funny. And I will refer you now to some episode of my favorite murder. I can't remember.

Just did Stephen Lee? It's just his forehead is still there. Did your stool break? His stool broke literally just popped up like a gopher in the in the Gopher game Whack them Home? Yes, he just I have a new desk chair, so it's just very comfortable.

No, sorry, Stephen.

But remember when Georgia did she actually went over the myths of Halloween and there was a little girl who got killed by a creep in her neighborhood because she went up to the door alone and that's when all of the stuff started. But that was a true you know, some psycho opened the door and there was a seven year old standing there and he pulled her into the house. Oh no, and ended up murdering her. But then there was other ones that all none of them could be

It was episode.

Thank you, Steven, if you want, I would.

I swear I wouldn't normally do this, but I when Georgia did it, I was like, this is fascinating because she goes through basically the stories you hear and kind of why.

You have heard.

And you did that around Halloween last year or something.

Uh like two years ago, two years ago?

Yeah all that. Yeah, so because I was so scared of a razor blade being in a wrapped candy bar. They really that's one of the things. It's like in the eighties as a child, you're scared of nuclear war and razor blades in your cands.

Right, kids these days never they don't appreciate that they don't have to fear razor blades all the time.

Yeah, it's not even a part of life. They're just more logical. They're like, what are the chances someone's going to do that? And they go on with their day where I had crippling anxiet and I had my bag of candy all year I'd carefully eat one piece. I'd break it up with my fingers and put it in and taste for poison, as if I know what poison tastes like.

That's a well, you may have had a light a light case of maybe anorexia.

Perhaps, I mean I And also after each piece of candy, I would brush my teeth, and my dad would come in and be like, you don't have to brush your teeth after each piece of candy, because then I'd eat another one. Let's see how the toothpaste changes chocolate.

Ew, you mean ruins it permanently.

That's terrible. Speaking of candy, I got a pat and this is going to be another situation. Hopefully you got some chocolates from Australia too. I didn't from at Dallas and Ferns. She'd brought it's and it's the same as your Canadian.

I just want to make sure that when you open these boxes that my name isn't on them and that. But you're just going like it's me in my life people.

That's not so, dear Chris.

Okay, well then that's yours. Look straight up.

Yes, if it said this is for Karen too, I will I said, well, I had these kit cats for you, and I had them for months in my freezer. Then COVID hit and I gotta be honest. There was just one night I wasn't having a great day and I ate all the kitkats and those were your kitkats. They were given to me. I was told not to eat them. They said, you can have the Macha one. These are for Karen. They're the Canadian milk chocolate. There's no wax in them. They melt in your hands, and I ate

Look, hey, first of all, thank you for this honesty. This is what I'm looking for. It's better than candy.

After each one, I said, thank you, Karen.

I do not blame you, because those Canadian kit cats are the best candy that exists on the planet. So like, if they had given me eight kit cats to give you, I would have never told you. I would have never given them to you. It would have been my dirty secret for the rest of my wife. Because it's that good.

That's how something about it. I don't in America, not to be anti American, but here we go, we're getting into it. Did get political. They put wax in chocolate. Here they do something and it's not the same. It's the minute you're holding a Canadian chocolate item, it just, first of all, just starts melting in your hand. You need napkins and silverware. You got to get a plate because this thing, it just dissipates. It's so oh, it's my mouth is watering. Now we hold on.

I have to shave this picture. This just scared the living shit out of me.

The window guy just came up the ladder and then pop up over the computer and I saw, I saw him.

And you guys pulled Stephen. He pulled a whack a mole.

He popped up like Stephen ya, but in a place where no one ever goes because it's my window.

He just got a new comfortable ladder.

Also, he told me when he first started working that he is third generation window washing company. Oh he must his family has been doing it for you. It's amazing what I'm watching right now. I'm trying not to make a big deal about.

It, but you know what that means, and real good, no streaks. No, I'm going to do it. It's time to wash my windows and I'm going to do it.

Yeah, you got to get down to a CVS friend.

Who got that.

It's that you're telling Greg Barrett friend. I haven't talked to Greg Baron, so that just reminded me. He texted me about eight months ago, and I never texted him that I am it.

Yeah, it's same with me a long time ago. He just checked in and said nice things, and of course, yeah, let's call Greg Barrett. Yes, for sure, let's both do that. I hate that.

I do that all the time because people text me and I'm doing something, I read the text and then it gets pushed down and then I just kind of never look again. And then every once in a while, like once a month, I'll be laying on the couch, like on the weekend, and I'll look through.

Like my past fifty text then go oh shit, oh fuck.

They all they add up. And then if you if you're not paying attention texts everything.

It's relationships crumble. Yes, you're alone.

Everyone lonely. Yeah, and then all of the courts they do Yeah why wouldn't they? But I swear it's just because other more important stuff came up.

It's just that more attractive people are texting, right.

I have it on a looks based basis.

My thing is, are you married? You get bumped down automatically. Do you already have a relationships?

Goodbye? I don't care.

I need the hot singles in my area to take up the first thirty deactly.

Oh, I consider wardrobe, everything, where you live, the likelihood that we'll have lunch. I'm sorry, it's all it's all being considered. That's one of the things I like more about living in the middle of Los Angeles. No one was ever wanting to even reach out to me when I lived in Venice because they would think, well, when am I ever going to see him live some Vegas. Now I'm in the mix, Karen, Yeah.

I know you're really you're you're there with your bowling league. You won't share with me, even though you pretend you're going to every time, and you never do. This is I'm really being confrontational the second you get back to town.

Hey, you're You're right. I've liked Hey, hey, I've taken advantage. I've never gone bowling with you. I go with my bowling bodies, and that's something we could do. You see the sexism. I'm gonna get a call. Well, it's yeah, I need a ball. I need a ball that kiss with my fingers. Your fingers, yes, because it makes a huge difference, and they're weighted, and you can learn to give it the English and kiss the old gutter. Have a carved back in. That's how you get strikes, Karen.

All these strikes, and that's how you get babes at the bowling alley.

What you do in the old whip around?

They love they love it. Oh did you hear him kiss the gutter? You're like, you know, I hear he kisses gutters. Oh, she got the wrong idea. She's clearly not a bowler.

Girl, girl, maybe in the bathroom we're going to talk about these bowlers.

That's me and my girl Posse at the bowling alley. I am going to get a ball. I'm going to be a bowler. But you know, right now the last thing you want to again, not right now. You can't stick your fingers in those holes.

And yes, that plus all the expiration of how much grunting and groaning and kind of exhaling goes into bowling, that's going to make any bowling alley high risk.

It I am auto, I am like, yeah, I am very audible. You can hear me grunting every time I toss the ball because it's every bit of strength. They really are heavy. They're heavy. And yeah, I just sound like a tennis player out there. I sound. Yeah, I'm a real McEnroe when it comes to bowling, very grunty. Spit just sweat. I sweat profusely.

Do you have a bowling alley in your hometown in Montana?

You know they keep closing, but I did grow. I mean, that's what else do you do? And it's we would go bowling all the time. I'm good at bowling. I'm good at billiards. That's just stuff you do. And when you're in a small town, there's no professional billiards players that are from the city.

No, they're all from towns of about between four and nineteen thousand.

I bet I don't. We could check the statistics on that, David, and we should. You don't have to Pedaluma.

Stephen pops up and then goes right back up Pedaluma. When you get off the one on one and you take pedal Boulevard South, which is the exit to get to my parents' house, you pass Boulevard Lanes, which is because it's on Pedluma Boulevard and it's the Bowling Alley and it's been there. I mean, I would guess since the sixties, maybe earlier. It's always been there. And I started making my sister, Adrian and Adrian's kids and everybody

Fried food from the place is like the best.

But then we're all laughing because we're like we're eating French fries and then going.

To bowl and coming back and be like do you have that?

Who's got a wet nap? Like it's the funniest. I feel like I'm not fundabowl with. I'm a little weird about not being good at things. I get frustrated when I golf and I which these are they're hard. There's people, that's why there's professionals. It's like hard to be good at it, but it's hard to be good at it. I get a little frustrated when I bowl.

I've seen you, uh, I've seen you walk away from a Quiplash Zoom game with comedians and just go start doing pull ups.

Oh, get your sound to work.

You know. I was riddled with anger. I'm really funny.

I was doing well, I was winning, and then you were the winner. And every time I kept your answer was the funniest.

The app off my phone and then you have to re log in. I kept screwing myself. And I didn't think I was ever competitive, because growing up I just wanted to skateboard and do things that are solo sports. I didn't like team sports. So I've always said I'm not competitive. But I'm a monster. I'm so competitive. Yeah, and I didn't realize it. I gotta fit and I'm i pout and I'd throw little fits. I'm a real son of a bitch Garren.

But that's the kind of personal fuel that gets you to the point where you get good at things.

So you can kiss the gutter.

You have to care and also, and you can't be like I care, but not so much that it doesn't injure my ego when I'm bad.

If you suck, You suck.

No one wants to suck at anything, right, so of course we all have these reactions. If you're sucking a little bit, you're just like, there's nothing more painful than the walk back from having bold a bowling ball into the gutter and then everyone's just sitting there stand at you, and you go, oh, not only did they see me fail, but they watched my ass the whole time that I sucked.

Like, that's for me.

That's a one two punch that hurts my feelings. It hurts me, And on a league night, you're also affecting the rest of the team, and you're standing in the roster.

You're affecting your environment.

I'm afraid that the Halloway won't even have a bowling league next year because of me stinking it up. I left a stain with that organization.

Should we wrap this down.

I'm happy to be in the same town, even though this is the same as if I was in Montana.

I know it really is, but at least you're a little bit closer. We're all in the same time, in the same time zone.

Yes, that's nice.

Yes, I'm happy to be back. I was having mixed feelings but once I got here and everything was normal, and people were walking around and the sun was out, and people are smiling, and well, I assume they are. They're all wearing masks, but I was happy. I was happy. Yeah, you can look at their eyes until they're smiling.

Nice.

I've been fakes where I just give people the eye smile when they look at me. It's almost more work to isolate your mouth from your eyes and just smile with your eyes. It's but I've gotten good at it.

Yeah, you're just squinting at that point.

Yeah.

I also have noticed that I if I'm around someone that I do would like to talk to for whatever reason, I do a kind of like an over the top, silent movie kind of eye expression of like yeah, you know, like you're I would. I'm I'm emoting like ten times more than I normally would be, like, Hai, look, my voice is very over the top.

When we're finally done with this, everyone's going to be acting like they're in a Disney Channel show or something. I know, just over the top, giant eyes, nice to see you or whatever. Why is she acting so raven?

She is so raven?

I am We're all being so raven? Oh, God, I need a haircut. Our friend of a the podcast, Andy d Money Is lives in Spokane and his friends with my sister, and she was gonna cut my hair. But I left that morning that she was available, So I was so close to cutting it. I mean, I don't know.

Maybe keep going, just keep going.

It's not ever gonna go down. It's not. I'm at the point now where I can do a man bun. It's just out of hand.

Okay, I wouldn't live there for too much longer. You you say I should, I should go with the corn rows.

Then I want to.

I want it to seem like you just took a carnival cruise with your parents to Jamaica and it's nineteen ninety four. Yeah, it's or anybody was like, guess what, Whitey. No one wants to see big things of your scalp.

Every time I've been on a cruise ship, yeah, there's little white girls with corn rows, and I'm like, oh, when something wove into it, like a colored hair piece, I think I'll do it. I'm a grown man. I can pull it off. Do what you want. Yeah, you can do corn rows and mustache. Oh what a terrible look that I'm about to embrace. Oh God, please do not I beg you, Okay, I won't. All right, Well, I'm happy to see you friend.

Yes you too, welcome home, Thank you. I'm glad you had a nice kind of you know, nurturing home experience and it.

Was downright spiritual.

But I'm more excited now to get my painting because that's.

Yeah, you're really gonna like it. I looked at it again before my dad wrapped it, and it's really good. It's so good. It's just really a colorful and great composition. And he's a good painter.

He's a great painter.

And on that note, you've been listening to do you need a ride?

D y n A r Aru?

I leave in on you wanta way back? Either way?

We want to be there, doesn't matter how much that age. You give us time and tourmental and we want to send you off InStyle. Do you want to welcome you back home?

Tell us all about every scared he was it fine? Melbourne?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you to ride?

Do you need.

With Karen and Chris oh, we did it perfect.