S2 - Ep. 45 - Karen & Chris

Are you leave in I you wanna way back home?

Either way, we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a terminol and gay a.

We want to send you off InStyle. We want to welcome you back home. Tell us all about it.

We scared her? Was it fine?

Now?

Porn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Ride?

Do you need with Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need a ride? This is Chris Fairbanks.

And this is Karen Kilgariff.

I am in Montana in my father's painting studio. As you can see from the impressionist work behind me.

It's a gorgeous gallery of Is that all Gim's work?

No? No, there's more in the garage, more in my home, and more in the homes of strangers, and perhaps in a neglected gallery.

But I meant is all of the on those walls.

Yeah, it is all that. And then the stuff on the bottom is my nieces and nephews. Nephew I have one nephew, the big one. But the work is my nephews. I was that was a yeah, A different apostrophe S, A possessive s. I added to my nephew, not a pluralization. I have one nephew, and it's his art. It is his singular art.

I feel like, first of all, we're with you, And secondly, when are you going to start that grammar podcast?

Because this is I know it's everyone's gonna love it. Everyone's gonna it's interesting and fun to talk about.

And punk stuation.

Welcome to grammar talk period.

That pain in the middle, I would buy that. One of the sign is that Pike's place.

It is Pike's place market.

Yes, I want that so bad.

I bet we could work out a deal shortly. I could call my dad in He'll call his art broker and all the people that he has under him.

I'll call my people.

Uh yeah, he can't really pain anymore because a bad risk. But the memories are here.

Are there any high school pictures of Chris Fairbanks that we could take a piece? Oh boy, yes, yeah, hell yeah, oh boy.

This is get ready, get ready everybody. Yeah, it's actually pretty tame.

Yes, he's having a great time in school.

There we go, there's an angle. Yeah, Chris loose.

You look like every boy on every NBC sitcom in nineteen ninety one.

I totally I'm a I'm a regular Kirk Cameron here. He has nothing on me. Look at my face, and I'm not even an evangelical Christian. He I love the direction that Kirk Cameron's career took.

Yeah, that was a real left turn.

You might be a listener, Hi, Kirk, if you're out there living in its grace.

If you haven't been Armageddon yet, and we hope you have, not welcome.

It's uh, it's kind of fun. If if those of you out there haven't taken a time to do it, just read his IMDb because there's a lot of straight to video Jesus learnings hidden in those in those movies.

I believe the last thing I read about him was that he was very much a creationist. Oh and he's old school, Uh, super Christian.

Dinosaur bones were planted to test our faith.

To test us, Yeah, and I'm exhausted by them. I can't take it anymore. This test needs to end.

It seems like every time I go on a hike, I stub my toe on another damn test, another dinastest. Why did they hide them all throughout Montana.

You're surrounded. How is Montana give us the update? This from one state to many others.

I mean I was going to give it to you, even if you have asked. I left in a car my friend from Montana, A good friend lives in Santa Barbara. We rendezvous drove separately, caravan style, drove through beautiful Las Vegas, where I did receive a speeding ticket, but she was nice. It's only time over ten over instead of twenty miles over. I was cruise controlling. Suddenly they wait at right at the border where the speed limit drops, and she got me. I will I will take that. She is a nice lady.

Yes, yes, I'm so sorry. Can I do a guess on how much that ticket's going to cost you?

Oh?

I would like to know.

Oh it's not on there.

No, I didn't know it didn't. It didn't say.

Oh, do you have to go to court in Nevada?

Now that's what I asked. As long as I paid, I don't have to go to court. But I bet it's a couple hundred bucks.

Oh, they're going to send you like a bill.

Yeah, they sent me a ticket and then I call and pay this surprise amount. That'll be fun.

Uh So my guess is like somewhere around two ninety five. Really, well, because you're only going ten miles over the speed limit, I think they adjust the rate based on how much you break the law.

And I told her this and she didn't believe me, but it is the truth. I have not gotten a speeding ticket before in my life. Really ever. Wow, I drive, You're like, old man, are.

You going to mar the perfect record of this young man?

And she did without hesitation. I was like, you know, this might be my first ticket if you give me one. And she's like, wow, good job so far, and then she shoved it in my face. But she was nice about it. But that's kind of high. That's hired than I thought.

That's my guess.

It makes sense. It makes sense.

They really get you on those ones.

And then we camped in a Walmart parking lot. The old man who started Walmart apparently was a good Sam's member, and all of its parking lots even come with water hookups. You don't usually notice when and I know you frequent Walmart.

Do not do not well?

Else are you going to get a TLC shirt? They have all kinds of nice shirts there. We went inside, so we were just and then left that Mormon town and drove up to Missoula the next day. It was an easy drive. I immediately went camping. I slid down on river streams with shale rock that was like covered with moss and you just sit on it and slide down like the goonies into these pools. There was like four different parts of this river. It was song was.

The slide six feet are we talking twenty five feet?

We are talking more than twenty five feet, some of them around twenty. The first one was a whopping fifty foot or maybe for real, where you go under a log. So I had to lay coffin style and the log went over my head. It's a very dramatic video. I will send it to you. If I put a thumping sound effect in it, it would look like we hit our heads because at the last minute you duck down out of fear, and it looks like you're flinching because you just hit your head. It's very dramatic, but it

Try that one like I was, And did you scream on the way down? Uh?

No, I played it really cool. I was like, oh, this isn't going to be that fun. And by the third or fourth slide, yeah, I was giggling like a child.

Nice. Well that sounds really fun though. Was the water really cold?

It was in that river, but then the lake which is in the mountains, Like I drove up from this town of Hamilton where no one had a mask and people were judging me because I didn't because of my hair. Probably I had a mask on. They were offended by that. And then California plates that's the that's the trifecta. Well, you'll make someone angry in Red Valley County, yeah, but in Missoula's.

Fun and rightfully so yeah, God, what all those things are grossed?

I'm spreading false fear. But then you drive up in the mountains in this lake I thought would be so cold, because of course the water is coming from melted snow, but it was it was like our ocean that we had.

Our ocean, the one we bought ear two.

I didn't want to let people know about that. But Karen pulled and I pulled together. We bought some coastline right near Catalina.

Oh, we had thirty billion dollars laying around, so we bought some California coastline.

Hey, if I'm going I'm not gonna stop going to the beach. If I have to buy some beach so I can go there and play frisbee with my pals from a distance, That's what I.

With my pals from Pepperdine. That's what I'm gonna do all of that area. Like have you ever driven and then kind of ended up in that like starbuck in Malibu? It's the most You're so close to Los Angeles. It's not like you're far a weight all and the vibe is so intentionally different. Yeah, and creepy presentational rich people. The coolest thing you can do is play it down.

Yeah, right, they don't.

They don't make it a fun surprise for later. You don't have to wear a big, weird diamond necklace.

No, they sell it right, Yeah, have it be a reveal. Yeah, realize that you have an equestrian store where you buy horse feed right next to a Gucci store. What kind of a person, are you? And you don't you always hear about Malibu. I wasn't expecting what looks like horse country, yep. And then the rich people just live in a sectioned off area, I guess, or on the side of that mountain. But yeah, you write down on that water, Yeah, yeah it is. It is uh underwhelming.

I guess it's not the it's not what you think or it's not what I made up in my head, I guess. Yeah. But then you so you camped at that lake that was not freezing.

Yeah it was. It was the best. There's a campground and my friends went up early and there was two spots and we had fire. We got bit by a lot of mosquitoes and that was the only bad part. I chopped wood, we gathered wood. We went down to buy a hatchet from some nights a hardware store.

From a troll a hundred a bridge.

Yes, I said these riddles. Three. He presented me with a hatchet and a key to the Nome city. And it did feel like that though. It just felt like a magical Gnome land. It was great because the trees, little trees, little flowers. I just I grew up around it and of course I took it for granted. And then now I'm back up there and I was just it made me turn to a fifteen year old. I had fun camping.

We used to camp in the Redwood forest, which is so crazy, dramatic, ancient like. It's so we really had it nice in northern California.

Did you ever try drive through that giant redwood?

Yeah?

Yeah, I remember that. Yeah, yeah, I'm going to go down through there on the way back.

It's totally worth it. It's the coolest stretch of land. And then there's a bigfoot element that I really appreciate.

Yeah, you've always been a bigfoot hunter.

I believe.

These aren't the tracks of a bear.

Every This isn't a drunk man's prank from nineteen seventy two at all.

Every last words from someone who dies from a bear or a drunk man prank. This is bigfoot. Certainly, not a second. Certainly not the drunk man that's lurking behind me when I'm selling hatchets over by the road. The hatchets. I took a picture of the hatchet that we bought. I took a picture of the campsite and all the Murderino comments were telling me to get the hell out of that for it, please, for the love of God.

Did you guys do any hatchet throwing? I would imagine if you got drunk enough, you'd want to throw it at a tree.

Well, how dare you? Of course we did get drunk, but no, we reserved that for the BB guns. We shot at pyramids of cans of seltzer and beer. Yeah, so we had three BB guns on hand. I don't have any friends that have hunted, so there are all BB gun owners though, and the registered licensed Daisy pump rifles. But we had so much fun by that fire. It was true.

How could you be sure that you were shooting in a safe direction?

I thought you could be out. Can you be sure you were having fun? That you haven't been around people and don't know what to compare it to?

Anything is fun.

Everyone was responsible. We picked the direction we were going to shoot, and then I did a little road scouting where I went down a little Rhodes scholaring where I went down and made sure there was nothing behind that backdrop. But it did good. Once the sling shot came out and we were actually shooting rocks, which go quite a bit further and more more dangerous than to be begun. That's when I really checked the surrounding area, our neighbors.

That's great. How long are you going to stay till Christmas?

I know at the every day the last week is whizzed by so fast that I feel like I might stay more than two weeks totally. I don't think I will allow myself to stay here past August. I'll just I'm putting a cap on August twenty something.

And then, I mean I stayed when I went up to visit my sister, I stayed for a month. I was just like, why leave, It's like low numbers, chill, everyone's wearing masks.

You're right, Yeah, and my sweet neighbor is looking after my plants. I have nothing at home depending on me, certainly, not a career, just a fern and a garzalia. I can't remember what it's called, but I have two.

Plants that are not a garzalia.

It's a griselda and it's very green. The thing about my geralia is it is it affects my joints. Yeah, I'm the anti inflammatory. It isn't helping. And then I hold up my hand and it's made of leaves. Have you ever seen this before?

That's an extreme case.

Yeah, my girelly is really growing.

Oh my, on your caravan drive out, did at any point you and your friend ever call each other and then just talk on the phone while you were driving?

Karen, we had CBE radios? What well?

What you buried the lead? Are you? Why wouldn't that be the first thing out of your mouth before you say.

It's been so long since I've used a walkie talkie that I forgot. They're not called a CBE radio we had.

Oh, you weren't on the ye on your door.

That would be required buying an out of day. I would have to buy it in a truck stop. And yeah, then you got to pick a channel.

You got to get a license in.

Yeah, you have to be licensed, get your radio license and you want the bb gun to go with this? Right when I was a kid in high school, it's so funny, it's such an experience. I think that most maybe it was like this when you were in high school, but all the guys with trucks had a CBE radio just to say, hey, we're eating at Little Caesar's or there's another fight today. Everyone has to go watch this fight, and you'd hear it from a CBE radio. So I for a while I was thinking about putting a CBE

You didn't want to be tapped into the hot line, the fight hotline.

It's so funny. And then we'd talked to truckers that was like a fun thing to do.

That's dangerous.

Yeah, well, if you speak in their language, like hey, I got a smoky on your Taylor Taylor tail tail Taylor to see they would have seen right through me. Once you mentioned the sewing of clothes or a music artist that wasn't born yet, they would What else do you say? You got smoky to truckers over and out Roger that.

There's a big brown bear on your back door?

Oh is that another? That's when I came up.

During the Convoy, there was a real trucker kind of trend that happened. It was after nineteen seventy six, I would say, because that was all about the bi centennial when that kind of died down. This trucker trend started and it was all that. Remember the movie Convoy and it was like for the song cross Country, big rig truckers like racing each other I think or some or they were trying to outrun the police. It was such a weird trend.

Yeah, and all the movies that came out of just that, there's that subculture like Smoking the Bandit or Cannonball Run. It was all like, if we're going to be outlaws, we're going to do it on the road, and we have to have truckers out there letting us know when there's a big brown bear on.

Our tail or the any which way but lose the Clint Eastwood a Ring Atang movie that was also a trucker plot line.

As far as I know, the guy that he fights at the end in because that took place in Carmel and my dad was down there going to art school as far as I know, there's a character in there based on his uncle, who was a bar bouncer that did bare knuckle fighting. We can ask his uncle, Oh, your others and the character's name is Jim, And this guy's name is Jim, so maybe wow.

Yeah, for a second, I thought you meant Clint Eastwood's uncle, which would make sense because he's a little bit closer to the project. But that's a better story because it's your dad's uncle.

Clint Eastwood was the mayor of the town. My dad was a radio DJ, so he knew him.

Have you seen play Misty for Me wonderful film?

He played a DJ in that, and so he watched my dad work.

Oh that's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, so you told me the Sorry sorry I forgot.

But that is that's one of that that's like an early version of Fatal Attraction. It's like, yeah, oh.

It's creepier. I think it's like we've talked about all this. God, damn, it isn't that.

No, I don't know if we talked about it. It wasn't the woman in that, the one that died on the boat where Robert Wagner.

No, that's Natalie Wood. The woman in that is Jessica Walter, the killer and she's the mom from a rossaa vel moment.

Okay I knew.

Yeah, yeah she that's called range. She can do it all.

Yeah, she just got older and really funny. She's great.

Yeah, she's a badass. Yeah, she's so good in play Misty. For me, it's unbelievable.

I need to see it. It's been since I was a little kid.

Well, and also it's very seventies. We've had this conversation, but it's very seventies, so like all the shots and everything, it's very like my early memories. It was such a weird time. Yeah, Carmel is so beautiful.

And yeah, and that's the reason we watched. Seems like old times with Chevy Chase when he was funny and Goldiehn. It was like, oh yeah, driving around our neighborhood that I didn't remember because I was a baby.

You were just a baby. Now. Have you seen Foul Play? Chevy Chase and Goldiehn reunited? Yes? In San Francisco.

Are they linked? Those movies are like the same characters.

No, I just meant the actors wanting to work together again because the chemistry was so good.

Was Charles Charles Groden in those movies.

No, it was Chevy Chase, it was Goldie Han. There was a man who played in Albino, Dudley Moore played the comic relief. Yes, just Meredith. Yes there was one. There's a part that. Yes, to Bible salesman, it was what's that guy's name? He's the most like, one of the most famous because he was also in the Wizard of Oz. Billy Bartie, Billy Bardi.

Hell, how the Billy Barty? He just pulled that out on nowhere.

I wish I could do a fucking metal Grover scream right now to go fuck?

Is that it?

You know? It's you know the ones that's like where they're just screaming.

You know it.

It's really upsetting. There's uh a kid from is that show a typical or it's typical atypical? Yea, a typical. That child in that show is in a screamcore band and it's really funny to look it up on YouTube. That's great, right, good your holder and it's a little cute boy.

Chrissy, you have a new impression. Goodbye, goodbye reggae character forever. Yeah, that's your news. What if that guy was what if that guy she was trying to write more so because times are so hard, even though he's still in his death metal black metal screen metal band. I don't know what it's actually called, but he now is trying to be a little bit inspiring. What what do you think that would sound like? Chris?

He was like Louis By, there we go.

That was the moment he changes over.

Yeah, it takes place, and its split second and all this all of a sudden. His dreadlocks aren't Irie, They're more like dreadlocks from Corn.

Yes, corn locks.

Did you know the band Corn invent corn Rows on a white person Karen.

At the Texas State Fair?

Yeah? Yeah, they game. They played right next to the rodeo pit.

On the Carnival Cruise Line nineteen eighty two special.

Oh god, I want to go on one of those Corn cruises. You know there is one, you know there is, There's a three eleven one. There's a three eleven Amberys on the Color.

I don't think anymore though, right, because don't you automatically die on a cruise ship now?

Yeah?

Yeah? Or they just they let you board it and then they park it off shore for many months and you get used to knowing the people at Table seven.

You're just every night for dinner, it's bags of peanuts, bags of peanuts.

Ugh, well, I made this episode all about me.

Well, but you're the one doing something. I have nothing to report.

You've got to have something.

Okay, let me dig into my files.

Did you get a mysterious package? Have you had any fun talks?

Did you send me a package?

Did you happen to get any flowers? Karen? Do you have any stories about flowers coming?

Right now?

Liver flowers? What if I was that quick? It's an FTP their Grindcore division.

Yes, let's hear that commercial.

Do you have a loved one? Let her know that the cleansing rain is coming with a bouquet of guarzanias. Yes, call back.

Yeah, you got it.

That's the key. I still I do have it, and I don't know it until I'm around a campfire with my friends because ruin that knows me. It's hard to make them laugh because most of them also do it professionally. But me and my friends we laughed and they make me laugh. We laughed so hard. And you don't get that when you're at home alone.

No, you don't in the least.

Yeah. No, And I appreciate that people listen to our podcast and say, all of a sudden, I'm laughing, and I'm like, oh, what's that like? But man, hang out with me and my friends. Just ridiculous campfire songs, just making stuff up, shooting each other with baby guns. Yeah, nowhere near the face, just in the legs or the buttocks. Just so much fun. It makes you laugh so hard it hurts it first, but then it's just a fun

Yeah, it's an important You don't want to get a tattoo, and it's not convenient to bring a tatooing kit. Yeah, the bebe is the second best choice.

I do have a mark on my inner thigh from a BBE at my friend Ross's wedding and it is still there, So it's a lot like a tattoo.

When did he get married?

Oh this tattoo, this BB mark is I think five years old.

Jesus Christ. Yeah, you could sue him. Was he as the groom? Was he the one shooting the BB gun?

There's been so many lawsuits from that wedding. All the bridesmaids, all of them got shot with BB guns. Now I was the only one. There's a little subculture at that wedding at.

Where underground, Yeah, wedding underground.

Every good wedding has a subculture.

Yeap.

And this was nowhere near the actual citizens. We had our all of all the drunk guys in one cabin shooting each other with BB guns. But we act, we clean up nice, and we were good in the wedding.

I mean, thanks so much for doing the bare minimum.

I I try to do the least. You're welcome.

Now, what would it sound like if the death metal guy went to that wedding.

I just want to say, this is my best friend, and I promised myself I wouldn't cry. Boo hoo. That's it's hard to cry, but that's what sounds like. That's how it metal guy cries. Oh sorry, no, I was.

Not the olymp Biscuits sound yeah, but the cry is the same.

It's actually metal. People will like that crossover. Yeah, don't you. I trust me. It was Karen, not me that disturbed linkisk link Biscuit, Limp Biscuit and disturbed tote to totally different bands, different genres, and.

Now watch as I destroy System of a Down.

How dare you say that they.

Are anything that they only play at foot locker. It's not true. They are.

Yeah, I actually kind of like a System of a Down. I'm heavy. Yeah, they are. It reminds me of Faith No More, which is one of my favorites. I have my little dark sub culture of music. Karen.

Now, I can't remember if I've bragged about my Mike Patten story.

No, I would have when I was go carry on.

Okay, okay, I'll tell it really past. When I was in high school. A senior in high school, Mister Buncle came and played in Pedaluma because there's a band called fire House or fire Hose Home there. Their equipment got stole and so that was like a fundraiser and mister Bungle headlined, and we went because my friend Patty was going out with a guy who was from the public high school and he was really edgy and cool, and so we were like, yeah, that's all, and we had

You don't have to do it that better version of.

All the hottest goss about late eighties punk bands. But at one point during this concert he was singing something and then it was like the bridge or whatever, and then he just turned and looked straight at me. It wasn't like the hugest room or whatever, and we were just staring for a second. It was it was I was like, well, this is now my favorite band of all time. Like had a moment, and I'm sure that he was just like probably high and just staring around

I always did and fourth Face no more that first out I loved, I love and mister bungles from the Bay Area. So that's why your friend r spells with him and.

I Norkel Norcau.

Norkel Man jacked up trucks and big black socks all the way up to your knee.

Bro.

That's right, man.

I know how to chop down a tree, I know how to surf, and I know how to fight, but I don't know long division.

Is the flattest.

Yeah, it is the stiffest and the flattest.

They wear the flattest.

Hats, all right, I do too sometimes, but it's not It's a skater style, not Norkel. There's a jazz like frenetic jazz, like Zida. I don't know what it is. But this guy, John Zorn made all the horns and weird, the weird side of Mister Bungle from that first album, and I was so into it that I drew. I drew mister Bungle and clowns and devil stuff on my notebooks because it was in the music. But my mom listened to it and she's like, oh, this sounds cool, like you know cool.

It was good times, but they just screamed.

Six sixty six and she's like, ooh, Edgy, you think that scares me a little? Shit?

Clean your room, cat food, tunicast role coming up.

So then I got into Faith No More and he's such a good singer. Did you know he, like Mariah Carey, has seven octaves?

Does he really? He is the best singer.

It's his voice can do anything, and his voice no one else. It did all the monsters in I Am Legend, that Will Smith movie where it's the end of the world and when it gets start, although like all layers of Mike Patten. I saw it in the credits it said monsters Mike Patten.

That's amazing.

He does like voice work.

What name is a shit? He's he's He's just the best. Does he still doesn't he still have long air?

No, it's short now. I saw them. Actually there's a band called Dead Cross. I think that is him and a guy from Melvin's or Misfits or whatever. It's like a supergroup, I guess. And I was very excited. Rarely go to concerts, and I got a ticket and then all of a sudden, you know, the show's twenty minutes late. Tons of parents with their kids there with giant earphones,

Of HeSE the realist of deals?

He is? He is, He's skated to his Hollywood concert.

Have you ever seen that clip of him? And he's backstage at some like Monsters of Rock style festival thing. You've seen that thing where and wolf Mother is playing.

He's like in the middle of answering a question, Well the thing, what the hell is this? Credit? Would someone tell them what decade. It is got it's garbage.

I remember seeing that and I'm like, oh no, but I agreed. They were like, well man, you need a woman. You kind of tell you and he's like, what is his seventies?

And I know you know that they saw that and that's oh he ended that band. They wanted Mike's approval and they never got it.

Yeah, you better get it because it's all that matters. It is else do I know that loves Mike Patten so much? But we have talked about him NonStop.

There there's definitely fans of this show that have shared Mike Patten stuff with me. They're out there, Karen.

I mean, I don't we've probably had this conversation.

I haven't, no, and I had never heard the other thing. You said, Well, I already forgot what it is. So that kind of blows Mike.

Meaning the meaningful eye contact story that is not a story at all. I think you've stared me because my mouth was open. I think I was steering up, like who is this? I didn't know guys could look like this.

I always heard rumors that he's maybe hard to be around. I don't care, because yeah, during this show. The next night when they did have a concert. He brought one of those kids on stage and was singing the most sounding song because it is that kind of band. This band is like a harder band than Faith No More. And there's a sweet little kid and he would like gave the mic to the kid and then the kid screamed and it was part of the song. And it was the cutest kid ever who was on stage for

How old three years old? Four?

Yeah? Four or five? Yeah?

For real?

Yeah?

Oh little kid? Not eleven, not ten, I'm not real good. I'm no younger and then younger than nine. I'm just going to say that, okay.

All right, Yeah, could be four, could be nine.

I worked at a daycare. I didn't pay attention. They were all just numbers that I had to keep track of, made sure they didn't run into the street when I worked. Beautiful father wanted to meet you.

Get him in here, Hi, sweetie, Hi.

I just want to compliment you too on the Oh well you I can't hear.

Oh, oh well you do.

Oh well you do good?

This?

Oh we do good? This, well we do thank you, I'll do it.

I was just going to say, that's a big compliment coming from you because we know you're a professional. You know how this stuff's actually done. Oh so thank you.

Yeah. Yeah, no, I just just the uh, the vibe that you two have with one of others is impressive, it really is.

Thank you.

Yeah, thanks dad.

And I'm a big fan of yours.

Thank you me not christ Us I've like over the years.

Yeah, I'm really growing on him. It's gonna blossom into a full relationship soon.

Yes, keep it up. So how's everything in Montana? Jim?

It's hot for you, it's hot here. But everything is good. Yeah, good, good. Yeah. And the virus hasn't ravaged Montana.

Thank god.

It's getting worse because we have people that know better yep, and don't mask up. And this this affinity for bars, huh. I mean, you know, I was thinking I missed going to a restaurant once in a while. But the bar thing.

They're asking for it. Yeah, it's not smart, it's not smart.

Bars are a big deal in Montana.

Well yeah, yeah.

But bars are causing problems everywhere. Yeah, that's the that's foolishness.

Even in my neighborhood when everything was closed, there was one bar that was like, now we're gonna we're gonna open up.

We have they're going to power through.

Yeah, And I would walk by and glare at them, and I think I think they got the picture.

Where are you, specifically, Karen, Well, I don't.

Mean I'm in I'm in the valley. It's good to. It's good to. It's a good place to quarantine. Yeah, I'm grateful.

Swimming a pool that she swims in.

But you're by yourself, right, Yeah, I have two dogs that I'm I'm that's bad. I know, we were just

That's yeah.

Crazy.

Camping felt like it was like what is this new drug? Yeah, and real other people. Yeah, she talks to two dogs and I talked to two plants. I don't know which is lonelier.

Yeah, And the only other option is being with another person and hoping that's going well.

Yeah, yeah, that is the other end of it. I know a lot of people that maybe are going to get a divorce after this.

I mean a lot of people.

Yeah, so it's it's stressful. I would it wouldn't be easy. I don't think that idea of there's just that one person's like telling you the same thing over and over, being the same thing, ordering the same thing on post Mates.

And then your kid, who would maybe sometimes be at school, is just I have.

So many stories throughout their young lives that all of my children started numbering them right away. Isn't that number seven mm hmm having to do with being near the water.

Yeah, It's the biggest problem with this podcast is we Karen and I have run out of stories. We just repeated number fifty three.

Yeah, for real, we're bad. It's we're only we're irresponsible about it.

Well, no one else is confronted by it. You know, there's never a time where you're like you have to lay down all your stories and see how many you have. And that's what our job is. And I'm I have to make stuff up now. I didn't know for ramping.

It's all a lot.

It's all a lot.

Chris, it was. You delivered it so beautifully. Yeah, it's so believable.

Yeah, I'm not even in Montana. This is a hologram. Then my hand goes through.

I remember being on the radio. I'm talking about skiing in Montana. I think I've done Monterey and like, yeah, it was a pretty primitive ski resort to one of the lifts. Just had a donkey and you grab them and the guy somebody called up and he said, you told that two years ago. So I haven't repeated myself once in two years.

Yeah, it really.

He's up, Yeah, he's up. You're the man.

I mean this is four hours a day.

I'm talking for real. You got to fill that time.

Yeah.

Also, we used, we reused jokes all the time. You have to do it.

Someone made a board game like a Tic Tac toe sheet or sorry bingo sheet that had the most repeated jokes on it, and it was mostly things that I have.

The test of time.

Yeah. Well, yeah, yeah, free the free space was turtle contact. And it's okay that I can repeat that, but actual statements that I've said over and over, Yeah, you didn't have a lot of repeats. I think you have a stronger brain, thanks, Chris. I try to keep it fresh.

I don't rely on my old go tos like you do. Yeah, always always thinking are you kidding me? I literally told two stories in a row that I've told like three times before.

I see now that it's happened so long. I think there's a paranoia that makes you think you've said everything before.

Everything starts to sound familiar.

Yes, saying this is a pretty good story that I'm about to tell. That means, of course I've told it before. We have no faith in ourselves.

It's even harder now though, in quarantine, because yeah, like you said, it's like I don't have anything to talk about except for the kitchen or Netflix. Basically, it's a dry time for chit check topics. Right, it's tough.

You gotta go camping, Karen, you gonna lie, say you're gonna win camping.

I never like him.

We camped throughout all of my youth, though, and now I find out my dad hated every minute. I'm not.

I'm not an easy relaxer. You know. Once I made the fire, put up the tent, Jesus, what's here to do?

I do remember you pacing around the camp site a lot.

Somebody get something dirty.

Oh look he's whittling again.

Or you wake up in that tent in the morning and it's freezing cold, yet it was hot all night. Yeah, you feel like even dipped in honey. Yeah, oh boy, do I have to go to the bathroom man far away?

Yeah?

That thing, that dinky thing. Gosh, this is good. Yeah.

Times I just went through all of it and it was great. And the tent even I'd have to wake up several times in the night because of my advanced age and the tents and was so cheap that the zipper haud get stuck. So someone just heard me at three am, five am, seven am, going, God damn it, I'm just yelling at the tent.

In the mid inside. That'd be bad.

Yeah.

The age thing comes into play as you start adding them up, as I have, and you start to purchase something. I'm like, I was going to buy shingles for the roof and the guys that I want to thirty year shingle or a forty year shingle. Let's see him seventy six. Do I want to be climbing back up here at a hundred.

And six or Yeah? That's the joke I always retell of my dad is he'd never He always turned down the giant mustard at Costco because he didn't want it to be the last mustache. You don't want to buy the last Yeah, to die and there to be left over mustard.

Basta, that's fourteen inch bottle.

He leaves his children with seven ounces of wrenches yellow and then some tabasco.

You know what men in body talc is? Have you ever seen that?

By men?

And bye men?

And thing upstairs? That was my dad's that has to be fifty years.

Old, and I put it on myself. I'm not going to say where, But I didn't know that it was a heirloom.

Right, did you know?

I used it?

I don't care if you use it. I just can't throw it away because it was his.

Well, I just don't know if I should be putting expired talc on my nether regions.

I would not. I would not just in general, I would put it.

Put it on his face. He'd shave and then use some aqua valva stuff and then he'd put this powder in his hands and get that machine. I never got it. Yeah, he was too scary to ask why why are you doing this? See?

Yeah, speaking of truckers, we were talking about truckers. Dad's dad was a trucker.

Oh wow, yeah, long haul or.

Short short short. Yeah. He came home every night.

God, I thought I was making something up.

And he would pick me up and like I'd come home visiting as you are, and he'd say, well, let's go out and drive, and I get to drive that damn thing. But he'd yeah, he'd have to make out a driver trainee older and in case somebody stopped us, right, oh right, because I didn't have a teamster's license. I keep finding out to be able to drive a truck. It was a gas tanker, two trailers, two eight thousand gallon trailers. That night. That was fun. It's like you're

Yeah.

Really power.

Yeah, it was serious power.

So that's another way I thought you'd never broken a law, and here I'm finding about this illegal truck driving operation.

You found out I was in jail the other night.

Yeah, I didn't know my dad had been locked before.

Why curfew violection. I was twelve years old. I was twelve years old.

Before the stuff. Huh dark time.

Yeah, we was, you know, it was this time of year, and a pal and I were sleeping in his backyard and of course it's at midnight. Let's walk around the neighborhood and some cop sauce and started chasing while I thought, this guy can't catch me. But I ran between two houses and there was a tall fence and I was done, and they took me in, put me in the put me in the car, and took me in and started,

And he wasn't intimidating yet, Pattery said, walked in, put.

His hand, that huge hand on my shoulder and said this one's mine. And we walked out and he said, uh, that's the policeman that caught you. I said, yeah, you could not ruin him. That was it. Never discussed again?

Yeah, damn yeah, And then you knew it was going to be all right. There's a scene like that in Christmas Story and I don't think I have the brain power to remember it. But he thought he was going to the baby gun. Yeah, oh yeah, he thought he was gonna be in trouble. And she said, oh, he just fell on an icicle. I hear the Bears are playing tomorrow. And he was like, oh, oh yeah, something like that. Yes, we watch Christmas Story every year here. It's a tradition.

It is my life. It's exactly my age, same same wallpaper, same chinnyl bedspread, shared a bed.

Huh when you go home for Christmas? Do you guys have movies that you have to watch?

Do we totally watch a Christmas Story? There's some channel and maybe it's what you guys do too, that plays it all day long. Oh yeah, so you we just leave it on that channel and then as people are like cooking and walking through the room or whatever, you just like sometimes turn it up, sometimes you turn it down.

But we watch it all day yeah, out of order, and then you have to assemble it in your head like a Christopher Nolan movie.

It's the best movie though, it really is. Like the story and those kids, everything about it is the best. Everything's so watchable.

Yeeah. Yeah, totally other movie.

And my dad loves it because he used to listen to those radio shows. So he was like little Orf Nanny and the you know, uh I guess lone Ranger, right.

Yeah, all right radio yeah, Dick West. Yeah, and things have cereals. You'd go to the movie theater. You walk in and you have your fifteen cents. You he's a taffy and they were pulling that had a machine that did that thing to the taffy and they put it on a piece of wax paper, real legit.

And bring it into a dirty movie theater.

That's right, you pop, And so you'd get movie tone. News was there was no television that this was nineteen forty eight, forty nine. Yeah, it wasn't a whole lot of television early in the day, and nothing you wanted to see in the daytime. Anyway, I think we got our first TV set and turned it on and the and the conventions were on. I think it must have been fifty two.

Oh boy, every kid loves a convention, political convention.

What what is this?

Wow? And then you put taffy in your mouth that had a bunch of hair on it. Yeah, I can't get over this theater taffy.

So the news in a five minute second played between movies and three or four cartoons and cereals that were fifteen minutes long. That was a continuous cliffhanger. Yeah, continuing story. A bunch of about eight guys in ill fitting suits and hats in fists fights inside a warehouse. That was a big scene you always saw.

That was Tom Mix, one of those serials.

X was a serious cowboy. He was kind of a tough guy. It was a real serious guy.

Does your dad like Tom Nicks?

No.

No. One of the first jobs I got in LA was doing coverage. Somebody was trying to bring back the Tom Mix series. But I had to read the original scripts to like explain what the plots of each thing were, and I do. All I remember is the name and general kind of cowboy ness. But it was like, because they had been these kind of Cliffhangary serials that they were like they could actually repurpose them for like and remake them today. The way they did was like Perry Mason.

Sure.

Yeah.

Bruce Willison and James Garner made a movie called Sunset or something Guy Hawk or night Hawk. It was Unset Sunset. It was a past and.

It was Bruce.

Willis was Tom Mix and Garner was Whyaetter who lived in to nineteen twenty five or so, you know Core He died somewhere in her And it was interesting those two guys. White was investigating something. I think it was at least fifteen percent of it that was true.

Yeah, it was kind of fun speaking of truth that we just were talking about any which way, but loose. Wasn't there a guy in it that was based on your uncle Jim I had?

Yeah? Uh, my uncle Jack was very much like Jack. Yeah, there was guy in there named Jack Wilson, I think, Yeah, an actor whose name escapes me right now, but it'll come to me in twenty minutes. That's what happened later on in my life.

Folks. Yeah, yeah, you can't remember the old delayy. What is this story that everyone's heard before but I can't remember.

Yeah, where they used to bet on fistfights. Yeah, those were they go to old days and one time, everybody go down to the lake, We're going to bet on a fistfight.

And people always made my dad kick people out because they knew.

Oh yeah. I worked in a bar in Coronado, and for the longest time I was confused, Why am I throwing everybody out? And because the both of the owners were big guys. And one day I asked. I said, Jesus, some of these guys are kind of tough. They've taken swings at me. And he said, well, I'll show you. Some guy came in. It's his name, scary guy came in. Let's call him Greg, That's call him.

Bobby, Bobby Greg.

And he said, would you show him out? And I said, there's no way in the world I'm doing anything with this guy. Pull my arms out and he said watch this. He said, this is Jack Wilson's nephew. He's going to show you to your car, do what you gotta do, and he kind of stood up straight and we walked out.

Yeah, and then that guy drove home drunk.

At the end of a perfect story, ran over my foot.

On the way out.

I love it.

You had the reputation like you were untouchable because of your uncle.

Yeah, exactly nice.

Yeah.

Should we have this podcast? Have so many sections that we listen to some questions now, absolutely to it all and if you have an answer, have a seat.

Father jump in.

All right, people, same questions in there.

Jim not Stephen, did you guys?

That's from that's an answer, that's.

From all fortune. I remember there was like an ass and someone guessed that who's the guy with hair? That's Stephen?

That Stephen?

Yeah, we usually he has a mustache too, like we pretty much.

Yeah.

I I just realized we're kind of twins, kind of all right. The first question is from U Dorcas Melorcis most regrettable summer fashion choice from the past. Oh, you might have a good I can think of a few my dad had.

Why haven't those pants that were all bright flowers and the Dude show, the dude shoes they were there were satell Oxford's with a heel. It was about four or five inches.

Yeah.

You remember Pete Wee Herman dancing on a bar. Oh yeah, those similar shoes to that. Yeah. Would you say, yeah, what year is that?

Is that seventy?

That would be yeah, nineteen seventy mm hmm.

Serious fashion back then. The very first thing that popped into my head was eighth grade I wore. We went on a field trip to Marriott's Grade America, the theme park, and me and my friend Allie Gardner wore matching white and purple striped rompers. So they were like, it was not it was all one. It was like a onesie with shorts that looked like a skirt of thing. Yeah. Yeah,

Oddly, though those rompers what you just described has fully come back into fashion.

They haven't. In fact, I just remembered my friend Holly Gardner sent me a picture, so I can actually post a picture of the romper.

All that's great about Yeah, and everyone will say I would wear.

That now, Yeah, it's absolutely something that would be for sale at urban outfitters or whatever.

And this is my outfit. I know I've talked about this, but you said eighth grade, and you also said amusement park. When I was at the Western Montana Fair, all excited to be friends with Ross and Andy, I wore my best those Bermuda shorts that went to my shins, a yellow button up, red suspenders, and I'd curly that mullet, and the lady that cut our hair put steps in the side, so i'd steps shaved in the side curly mullet.

Yeah, so sad. Sorry I'm laughing that far.

Every year Christopher would at something in the art show at the County. Oh yeah, the Blue Ribbon every year for children. Yeah, artistic stuff one year, and I helped a little maybe from time to time. We made an army You remember that army scene. Yeah, I had all the tanks and the people blown an ath.

And it's the same as my miniature love of miniatures. Now, it's exactly the same, except this was military and there was melted bloody men in the mud, and the mud was made out of tile grout.

Or paintings or any artistic thing. And the last year you said, how long am I going to have to compete with these kids? I want to compete with adults?

No I didn't.

I felt terrible though, because I just I drew like peewee herman or a fence post or something. Those are two things. Those aren't random, and I beat I got Best in Show and this guy had spent his last twilight years carving a fucking rocking chair and he's like, this just gotta win. It's my last chance. My shitty pencil drawing of pee wee Yerman. Oh that poor old guy. I did not like that feeling.

But Chris, that's the County Fair is a totally psychological game. You have to get in there and you have to beat people. Were like, face to face. You have to beat them as people.

So did you ever compete in the fair circuit?

I competed, yes, because I was in four H. As I've told you many times, yes, and so we competed. I showed sheep at the fair, which was a nightmare. Pictures of that as well. And we took a class that was something it was kind of like it was basically kind of a home x style four H class that we took, and we competed. This is the hilarious one.

Did you have, I have a feeling. Did you you remember those they're like newsprint, it's like paper mache. But those napkin rings that are handmade, Yep, you paint them and that just looks like taffy from a theater.

Right, Yeah, napkin rings were a big part of it. Yeah, Yeah, and I got a I think I got second place for that, and I was very proud because I just used my mom's dishes and place mats. I didn't like there's some people who's like their mom went in and basically did it for them in front of everyone, and it was like crazy and themed out. So yeah, I felt I felt a lot of pride.

I always got a good best design of a Pinewood Derby car and scouting. I think dad did most of the woodworking until now. I was proud of that. It was mostly dad.

It's teamwork.

Yeah. Plus you got a high point wait in the wheels. No, I never cheated.

All right, should we do another question?

Yeah, let's do another question. Let's do it all right. This is from Liz Khalifa. If you could plan a parade to celebrate something or someone, what would it be.

Oh, that's a great question.

Parade planning.

I love a parade.

You do love a parade? I love a parade. Is it the lights and chowsen dance I chief? Oh yeah, that'd be. Yeah, that's that's dad's answer. A parade celebrating.

A new chief executive?

Oh yes, God, please, good one.

Just about anybody.

There's no one or there's no one my dad talks about more than mister Trump.

Yeah, you should call my dad. You're you're very simpatico the two gyms.

What do you think of the guy? Do you think he's doing a good job? Dad?

He scares.

Yeah, yeah, I would have a parade celebrating Well, my favorite parade float ever was this these bulldogs that would ride down. It was at the Rose Bowl Parade, and these all the other floats paled in comparison. It was these dogs that would get on a conveyor belt, jump on little snowboards, and slide down on fake snow And I want I was I interviewed the dogs. Well, I just jokingly did. But I was around these dogs at Dick van Patten's Natural Balance Food factory. Wow and uh,

And you dropped it right to your dad, like almost confrontationally, like get Dick van Patten.

Dad, we've already established and I've only partially earned his respect. I thought dig van Patten would pull me out, put you over.

The top, that's what gets you there.

I dressed like a maleman and I let these I pretended they were chasing me down the thing. I thought that'd be funny. Yes, I may have said that to him. There's like eight dogs on the float. I know I said that joke. I want to do a parade about those dogs.

All right, that's a good one.

That's a good one. Why do you have the small room? This other room was way bigger. How come you weren't in there?

Why did That's a good question.

I guess this is going nowhere.

I didn't go.

Yeah. Then my dad's like, hey, why did you choose this room over the other? Oh, he's having an episode. There was windows and I want to just sleep in.

Guys. We can talk about this during the technical meeting after we record, and we're going to go over everything we screwed up. Don't worry, we have a chance to do this again.

This goes through a labor a laborious editing process.

The post production on this.

Thing podcast was nine minutes long.

Want I want to answer, but this is kind of corny of me, but I mean it. My hometown of Peddlala, Me, California, has the Butter and Eggs Day Parade every year. I think they do it in March or April, and it is the perfect parade. It's small town. My dad used to joke that he used to pretend like his bit was that he hated the parade. You know, he's go

Yeah.

I miss things like we had the monarch butterfly thing.

Oh Suver Grove, Yeah, Pacific Grove. Yeah, well you can find that Karen here three times a year.

Yeah.

Parades like those tons of pariads. Yeah, but are you I mean they're not doing them in.

Hey, kid, how about a butterscotch in your eye?

Yeah, this is what the parade's all about. Look at him crying.

Oh, so many cellophane injuries on children all day?

No, not now, they Missoula's doing. Even though the numbers in Montana are pretty low, they're doing. There's still plexiglass everywhere and you can't go indoors. People are Missoula is a liberal town, so since it's become this uh political choice whether or not to wear a mask?

Portlands is that what they said?

Yeah, they call Mazoola Portland East.

That's funny.

Yeah, but yeah it's pretty People here are following the rules. I'm proud of it. Yeah.

Should we do one last question?

Yeah? One last question?

This is from family hot head.

What's the worst sunburn y'all ever had?

Oh?

I like the y'all boy. I there has been times where I've been I had to lay in bed and all my skin was peeling off, but I can't. I guess I'll just give you that I've I've had second degree sunburns before.

M hm.

You're a dark person, you don't get sunburn as much.

Well, you haven't seen my thighs, and I'm going to keep it that way. Father.

When I was in the army, if you've got a sunburn and couldn't show up in the morning, were they all stand in line?

Uh?

That was Article fifteen. You were prosecuted?

WHOA, well did that happen?

Prosecuted sounds a little strong. You were punished, but.

They decide without a jury that you have to go yeah, in the kitchen peeling.

So everybody they got a sunburn had these heavy clothes full of starch dragging on their shoulders. So I guess that would be the worst thing.

Oh man, Yeah, that's the punishment right there.

When's your sunburn? You are fair well.

I think it was probably I was probably in like thirteen or probably, and it was a blue lake, which is where we used to go on vacation every summer, and we are all laying out on a float and I just I don't know, I just kind of pretended it didn't matter that I wasn't putting on any sunblock, even though we'd always gotten sunburn, and my dad was like a very early adapter of sunblock and always used

Yeah, it's hard when you have a rebellious phase. You don't want to practice it with sunscreen.

It's got to be itself. Yeah, all right, Well those are good Q and A question.

Sure. That was a nice way to wrap up this talk concert.

Hey, thanks for including me. Great to see you. Great to see you too.

That was hilarious.

Girl bred.

Usually yeah's queen, I love it. It was great to meet you, Jim. It's been so long, we've talked about you so much on the show. I feel like I do know you, so it's really nice to see you and say hi to you.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Yeah, and now it was awesome.

Hit the bricks.

I'm out of here.

Thank you, daddy. I'll let me get Oh bye bye. Wow. We did a long episode.

Yeah, I know this was long.

It's okay, it's great. It's long and good.

It's how nice to meet your dad and get to talk to him and have him tell dad story.

I was really excited. I was really excited for you to meet him.

Yeah, he's great. He's so great.

Yeah.

Also when he did the radio voice for one second, that was really impressive. It was like classic radio voice.

Oh. Even when I was a kid, I thought he sounded like a news person. Yeah, yeah he does. Yeah, whereas I have a version of it, but it's kind of nasally and muppety, but his is full on broadcast. Yeah, Ted Donaldson.

It's felt like he was breaking in with the weather. It was really excited.

When I was yeah, yeah, yeah, that was awesome. Thank you. Yes, well cool, I get that was a fun episode. It's good to see you friend.

It's great to see you too. I'm so glad you're in Montana and with family and you know.

People, and I'm going to go to the lake again this weekend.

Great.

I'm not I'm just but yeah, thank you for giving me permission to be here a month. I think I'm going to do it.

Take that month, absolutely, maybe, Yes, we'll do it part two and you can change all the paintings in the background, okay the next time you have or go into the other room.

Yeah. Now, he was just asking why did this was my bedroom? Why did I choose it? And I'm afraid it was because I the windows. It's like, oh, do I want to have the blinding sunlight wake me up when my first class is at noon? That kind of hmm. And I was an alcoholic probably.

Oh well, it works. It does work for me, it works for teens. No, I can't deny it.

I wasn't normal normal college partying. Sure, yes, absolutely, thank you so much.

Karen, Absolutely, thank you. That's great.

You've you've you've all been listening to. Do you need a ride? D y N?

Do the screaming? Are you leaving?

I you wanna way back home? Either way, we want to be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim. Give us time and turning on engage.

We want to send you off instat. We want to welcome you back home. Tell us all about it.

We scared or Was it fine?

Now?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need with Karen and Chriss