S2 - Ep. 44 - Chris & Karen

You're real hippie, Chris, I really have become pretty spiritual.

In quarantine. Yeah, are you leaving? I you wanna way back home?

Either way, we want to be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and they urmano and gage.

We want to send you off in style. You want to welcome you back home. Tell us all about every scared or was it fine?

Malborn?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

To ride?

Do you need.

With?

Karen and Chris.

Welcome to Do you need to ride? This is Chris Fairbanks.

And this is Karen Kilgara.

We are recording still from our homes because we are responsible and we care about the well being of others.

And we're riddled to you. Yeah, as do you. And we're riddled with COVID nineteen.

No, guys, thank compassion nineteen. It's im I'm about.

It's a serious case, an asymptomatic case of compassion nineteen.

I got compassion too. I got compassion nineteen.

I have I care about Yui Bola.

I'm I'm I'm hot with fever with compassion for stranger as are the homeless people on my street. They wear masks. That's what I that's the point I keep upbringing because I have some mask deniers in my neighborhood.

Yeah, they're everywhere. Yeah. Yeah.

And then the guy that usually is yelling at trash cans and then knocking them over and then sweeping up his masks and screaming at cars, it's wearing a mask.

Yeah.

Someone that struggles with mental illness and doesn't have anyone caring about them is caring about other people.

And here's the thing.

And I don't know if you've ever considered this. These people might just be homed people that you think don't wear nice clothes. Ever thinks about that?

What if they own every house on your book? They're like the landlord. They're an overwhelmed landlord.

I'm just like, oh, you poor person. And then I come home and write a check to them every month.

They're They're just talking to themselves, are on the phone all the time. They're not schizophrenic. There's what if things are so much better then you think they are.

Yeah.

Maybe, Yeah, that's a sign of wealth that you only wear one shoe.

In my Land. It is my people are from.

I'm driving up to my Land. I'm going to Montana. I'm going to leave on Monday, and I'm and I just got tested. I'm waiting for the results again. I'm sure they will be negative. And then I'm going to and the work, go up and hang out with my dad.

Now, do you have a plan because my sister said when she drove, I think they drove to Shasta and they said it was impossible to find a bathroom because most places aren't open to people coming in and out.

Well, and not to be graphic, but it's easier for boys. I've become a very skilled driving urinator. I have jars with still has a pickle in the bottom. I'm sorry, do you remember all of his jars with one pickle?

And it already looks like urine? So it's fine, really fine.

Yeah, I just stop at a gas station and I just put it on a fence post for someone else to there. I think that was the funny most random thing. Living Color had funny moments I watched when I was a kid because I just thought it was so funny. And you go back and watch it and it's like ninety percent of it doesn't hold up. But when Damon Wayans played a homeless guy and his bathroom was a pickle jar with a pickle in it, I'm just admitting that's where I got that, but it is I did

During COVID nineteen.

Yeah, my tax guy told me a joke. He basically said, it's funny because the government is like, yeah, we know how many how much UO in taxas?

We just want to make sure.

You know, so you do the math. And it's like, can't you just tell me no? But if you're wrong, you have to go to jail. Like he really said it in a funny way. And then I tweeted it and apparently, and I think he because he's all over Twitter, I think he had seen this tweet reiterated it to me. Then I tweeted it and everyone's like, hey, nice stolen tweet.

I'm like, everybody, yeah, you can use that, you can use that. Yeah you can't. Also on Twitter.

I feel like I did a thing one time that was so honestly unintentional, but it was just so guilty looking that I was just like, this is the worst because I was squirreling. It was I think Oscar night year that Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper were there for Stars Born Sure, and she was wearing a dress that was exactly the dress that I wore to the freshman Christmas formal?

Was it the year you wore your your raw meat dress.

When I was sponsored by the local butcher.

But her prom, she actually she wore like this lavender dress that was made of this eighties like prom dress dress material.

It was shocking.

So when I saw it, I was scrolling through my feet and I.

Just took a picture of the picture I saw it.

On and I didn't really look at whose account it was. I just took a picture of their tweet without the words in it, just the picture. Then when I went to post about she's wearing my dress from the freshman year in Christmas Formal or whatever I said, I noticed that the shadow of the microphone made it look like Bradley Cooper was peeing. So then I was like I made a joke about Bradley Cooper peeing and my prom dress, and all these people were like, you directly stole this from this guy Jesse.

Oh my god.

Shit, Yeah, this guy's done a bunch of stuff like BuzzFeed and stuff. But he photoshopped the peeing onto the leg because he that was the comment everyone was making it. The microphone made it look like he lightly ped, so he put this huge stream of pee.

Down in right, and then did a whole joke.

And then I basically had to say I stole this from Jesse and just delete it and then DM him and be like, I promise you, that's not.

What I meant to do.

Like I thought i'd like stumbled upon a real thing in the picture, but I'd taken the comedy picture.

From a comedy account right right. It was really embarrassing.

I DM the person that originally tweeted this tax joke. Also, they didn't reply. They thought I was, oh, sure your tax guy told you it. I'm like, hey, tax guys, go out and find tax jokes on Twitter.

They love tax comedy. Say had to light in the movie.

So the brunt of your low return isn't because you're already laughing about this damn joke.

Can I say this too?

After years of going to get my taxes done, I think it's the weirdest thing. They just basically make you sit there and watch them do your homework for you, and then they ask you like a couple of random questions that they could just like who care put five hundred dollars down?

Who?

It doesn't matter. We all know it doesn't matter. But you have to just sit there watching them for like an hour, and then it's like, that's the tax you personally pay to get your taxes done, so you have to observe the taxes being done in silence, you have anything to do with it. When it's like I would have done it myself.

Yeah I could do it. I know I don't. I can't.

I have tried before, and you don't get a return that way. You just start somehow safe. But he gets me. He's like, how what percentage of your car do you use as a restroom? What little things that a little business like is your that you have a to put that? Maybe put that desk in your garage? I don't know, wink wink. Because he used to work for the irs, so he's the perfect tax guy's he can play both sides. Yeah,

And then the minute I'm.

Like, oh, you're in a photo with Tommy Lasorda. Huh, he's like, and I'm like, you just have to sit there in silence while they do your homework.

Yeah. It's really really awkward.

And he's always like, uh, oh boy, you didn't make any money this year. Well, it's not looking good. And then at the end, oh, no, you're gonna be fine. Every year he builds the suspense.

Yeah. Yeah.

And then that guy really likes to spin a yarn with you. He was comedy or drama. He's bringing entertainment to you as you get your taxes down.

We're pals. We have a good time together. We laugh. How old is this man, Chris?

I think he's an age appropriate friend. He's probably he's he's mid to late forties.

Is he really twitter?

Yeah, he's young for IRS tax slash freelance tax guy.

Yeah. I thought all freelance tax guys had to be seventy two.

I know, I know that my first tax guy is not alive anymore, and because I just quit being able to get a hold of him, and it makes me sad that he was. He was a salesman for the vitamin. It's like a pyramid scheme vitamin thing. Yeah, he was trying to he was trying to stay alive, Karen.

Look, we all have to in all different ways, whether it's through powerful multi vitamins that feeds your body, on your mind, or is that the s You take a look right over here, we've got stuff you said that you're feeling sluggish, and then here's your taxes down, all your taxes from.

Down here not being done.

I take a look up at the literal pyramid of vitamins that I had behind me.

Did They were in a triangle formation behind them, just like the game I'm keeling.

It's healing.

You want to see ancient Egypt when it's some kind of strange, detergent whatever it is.

Yeah.

I was having a very bad day one day years ago, and I stuck my card into a parking meter and it just it didn't stop.

I just pushed it all the way in and it couldn't get it out, and I.

Was sorry, I'm gonna have to walk you back. Did you put your card into the parking meter so hard that you broke.

No, it just I was like zip and then it was gone. I'm like it's not like.

I was like, god damn it, because.

I went inside and it was a sandwich shop, and I'm like, someone needs.

To help me, like I'm some oh, and he knew.

He knew right away that it was the parking meter that swallows everything. So he grabbed the tweezers that he had reserved for. And this guy's trying to make sandwiches.

I do believe.

I thanked him and then also bought a sandwich, even though I had already eaten.

So it all worked out in the end.

So you gave back, and then you let him put a nice arch in your eyebrows, because while you're there, you might as well.

Do some sculpting.

I one time, speaking of when you, when you were talking about breaking the machine with your credit card. One time I walked up to the ATM machine. I used the I think it's a B of A that's on the corner of Vine and Sunset, so it's right thereby.

Amiba uh huh. I think. Yeah.

One time I put my ATM card in there and then just had absolutely no idea what my pin was. Like, I couldn't even imagine what it was. I just stood there for so long, and it was the usually, of course, like anyone's pin, it's like some personal thing.

Where I'll go like, oh, it's the what I couldn't I had.

Nothing, and I had to take it back out and go inside and be like I need to reset my pin number.

Well, that always me and when it happens every time, I'm like, oh my god, I'm gonna have Alzheimer's like my mom.

And it's hurting nice.

It's because I can't remember this.

Number, this goddamn government assigned number.

Yeah, this goddamn government number. Cheese. Did I tell you? Speaking of ATMs and cards going in the wrong places? About the time Matt Bearden, who's a comic friend in Austin, and Brendan Walsh and I did the one oh one X alternative radio station and they did a contest. They're like, we have some comedians on. I think we were promoting a show. They had a contest for free nickelback tickets. Giving you an idea of when this was about ten

Sure, if you could come.

In and these guys tell you jokes and you don't laugh, you win. Nickeled a back tickets and this guy called in and he's like, I love Nickelback, love Nickelback so much. That's what I named my horse, which in retro, that is a great name for a horse.

It is a great name. Nickelback is a great horse name. If Nickelback didn't exist the band.

Right, right, if you just was like Knickelback in the lead before Sea Biscuit, that's like.

If you could do a whistle with just your mouth, not using your fingers like Nickelback, and Nickelback would run over.

My dad taught me to change the oil in a car, but he didn't how to do that finger whistle.

I could do it with fingers, but not without.

Yeah, it's all in the tongue, it's all in. I mean, I'll never learn it. This guy came in, though, and he just looked like an a dishonorably discharged marine and he had his arms crossed, and we tried to tell him jokes, and he just looked angry. His ability, his way of not laughing was to just get furious and hate us, which I understand it's maybe a te yeah, yeah, yeah, he went.

He got really mad and Meisner with us.

Sure, and then so we started a resort to Like Brennan whispered something in his ear and then he kissed the guy's ear, thinking that would make him break, and the guy just got angry. Matt Bearden took off his glasses, pulled down his pants and put his glasses on top of his penis and turned around and said, well, anyone blow my nose.

He did like this.

Gonzo, and I was laughing so but the guy just had his arms crossed, getting angry. And then Brendan and I I think Brenda, we didn't rehearse this, but he just said, asked ATM to me, and and he said, put a dollar.

In your mouth. And I put the dollar in my mouth.

And then Brennan did a skit where he's like, where's that ATM machine?

Here it is.

And I pulled down my pants and he swiped his debit card down my butt crack and then I spit out this doll and the guy finally smiled a little bit.

Yes, but they still gave him the nickelback tickets. I mean he he still did.

But we finally got him with that, and then we.

Had to It was like with a tax guy.

We had to be in the same room as him at when we went to commercial and Brendon had just shown him as Penis. I think everything we did we probably get arrested now.

Yeah.

And also, you guys, really for a contest like that, you really left it all on the table. I mean, I think you went above and beyond what most comics would do.

At the time.

None of us had achieved anything would stand up except for maybe featuring for Rich Miller. So we were hungry and we were ready.

To give it our all. We're ready to take those pants off. Yeah, all those fails. Get naked. I've always done that.

Not anymore, of course, but hell yeah, no, you got to. It's a good way to get out of a lot of things, yes, like a fight, get naked.

And also it's natural. Don't be ashamed exactly. Man.

You know, since this quarantine started, I've been just walking around my apartment burning a lot of and since I just bought a hand painted skull the other day, and I don't wear my underwear and I'm learning to cook, and I man, I feel free as a bird.

Whose skull did you buy?

There's a guy at the bottom of the street that's a really good artist and he does like stipple paint art and Day of the Dead type skulls, and I always tell him I'm going to buy one. And then the other night I accidentally had fifteen dollars on me, so I bought a little skull by accident. Yeah, yeah, but I you know it's I have it in my collection. He was appreciative, and I recognize him from Venice. He

It's time to support that guy. He's following you around Los Angeles.

Yeah, and I do.

When someone has multiple under the eye tattoos, including the tear drop, which we know you don't get for help, and old ladies across the street, I will do what you say. And I'm influenced by that in it.

I mean, it's good to support those people because I bet you they haven't had a ton of support in their life.

So it's a nice thing for them to finally experience. Yeah, for sure.

Sometimes those tattoos just represent a deep sadness. Yeah, you know, ten years of deep sadness.

Yeah.

Sometimes you're in a gang. Sometimes you're just a permanent clown.

Sometimes you just made weird tattoo decisions to reflect your clinical depression.

Yeah, I'm glad I never got anything here as opposed to the other tattoos, I never got.

Face tattoos are.

That's really I feel like people that get face tattoos have a true clear vision of what their look is going to be for the rest of their lives. And it's just very specific. And I think you have to have a certain especially with women, and I think I really.

Like that look.

There's a waitress at the one oh one cafe, uh huh that has tattoos that kind of go around her face and then down.

Oh yeah, I remember. She's been there since our meeting. It was our meeting spot.

Since our meetings, and she looks like a model, but she's like, I'm hard, Like she's doing that kind of super badass and it looks amazing on her. I mean, it's the coolest way. I think. It's like she looks cool and she's wearing like cute clothes. But then at the same time, you're.

Just like, and she's nice, she's happy, she's like a lovely person. Yeah, she's great, but it looks like she could throw a punch. I know exactly who you're talking about, and it does tasten a bunch of things I'm attracted to.

Yeah, yeah, I know she would straighten some people out, but she doesn't have to.

That's what the tattoos say.

Yeah, yeah, my days of straight shooting are over.

She says, Oh that's her, that's her character. Yeah, thank you. Don't you miss go going to sit at the one on one cafe?

I miss Yeah, I've been, I guess somewhat recklessly going to sit. There's an outdoor situation at the Halloway and they have they take your temperature and their sneeze guards, and no one is sitting at the same table, so it's a little weird. It's just single people at their own picnic table. But they have a chicken wing night, and I've been going. It just feels somewhat normal to be not at my house eating. That's really But the next day I do feel like I've broken the rules

It's good.

It's been real fun.

That's very good. Yeah.

Yeah, I get I have to get tested, but I have been so indoors and.

You know, I am asymptomatic as far as I know.

Like, I just keep checking, you know, I just keep updating my two week thing of like, well that's been another two weeks and I don't have any I feel exactly the same as I did in February.

Yeah, so are ye how are you doing? Are you feeling?

I think I have it you need That's what I meant, asymptomatically.

How do you feel? I feel terrible.

Yeah, I can't feel any of the horrible, horrible symptoms. No, I feel good. I mean I've been lately. I've been swimming a ton.

I was going to ask about swimming. Yes, and it's the greatest. I love swimming.

Yeah, it's so like, I mean, everything's calming down now. It's a little exciting in June or whatever, but in July, I guess, but it's such a relaxing it like just automatically kind of puts you out for the rest.

You're just like zend out for the evening and it's so nice.

It is the closest thing I've done to meditation. You're weightless and you're deprived, and it's in a deprivation way. And I Chris, Yeah, when I every time I've swam, I'm like, oh, I'm not thinking about anything except my breathing because I'm just trying to go back and forth and do laps. And I didn't. I didn't anticipate like that. It was kind of like meditation because I left it totally calm. Yep, And blood has gone to every extremity of your body and it's the best.

Someone told me, it's double whatever normal if you do normal cardio, like you're going to walk five miles, if you swam the same length, it's double.

The impact on your body. Oh it has as if you did it ten miles.

Oh yeah, at least, like if I think of running back and forth in a pool for twenty minutes or next to a pool the length of a pool, I could do that all day. But yeah, just swimming back and forth twenty times is so much work. And I can tell I haven't been doing it. I look a little like I've gained some weight. But that's okay. No one's judging. No one's in my apartment to.

Judge, No one's around.

No. Yeah, you know, aasionally on the way to the bathroom, I'll do five chin ups.

We all know about my chin up bar. I've seen your chinipar.

Remember when you stopped in the middle of a comedy zoom comedy show and did some pull ups when you like, your sound got sucked up and you just went and did pull ups.

I can do a lot when I've I had had That was a night that I can I felt like that game night was like a party. So I was drinking. Yeah, and man, I can do a lot of pull ups when I've been drinking.

That helps it a little bit.

Does a lot of people talk about the negative aspects, the way it ends lives or affects marriages, But no one talks about how many more chin ups you can do on booze.

And It's what's crazy is they should be talking about it in grammar schools, presidential fitness test events. The little kids.

Drinking a beer real quick before they do an arm, the five second arm.

Hang. Yeah, I can finally touch my toes vomit. No, I'm an alcoholic. It's sixth grade. What have you been? What's can you? What's one highlight memory.

Moment of the last say the last since the last time we recorded, of anything that's happened to you at all.

I get a lot of daily sweet messages from the people that have watched my comedy special. That nice that and they say really specific nice things, and that has been happening. Not a lot of I've been. I did Mark Marin's podcast that was really fun and that.

Did it go good? Yeah?

It did go well. Yeah, he was We had a lot of fun. And the whole time I just all I was thinking about was his girlfriend had died, and on the tip of my tongue, I wanted to say, I'm sorry for your loss, but thank god I didn't. During the we just had a fun, light conversation about comedy and when we both because we kind of moved to La around the same time, and did the ramada in this terrible room.

Oh yeah, we both. That's how I.

First knew him, as we would go to this dark place that was bad for comedy, where they would lure people staying in the hotel down to hear jokes against their will, and we just kind of relived things. I don't know, we had we had fun and good. I don't even know him very well, but I realized we had some stuff in common. So it was just, yeah, it was it was a good time.

Good.

I ordered a dollhouse and then canceled it because I knew I was going to Montana.

That was exciting. Yeah, okay, what was that like?

Talking directly to customer service at the dollhouse company?

I did? I did.

I bypassed Amazon and said, hey, let's I need.

To talk to a human being. Where was that dollhouse company located?

They are actually located in Los Angeles. No, Yeah, robo time makes I think that they're manufactured overseas somewhere, but there is a place here that makes a lot of DIY miniature houses.

I called them directly.

They dealt with it, and then my Amazon order was canceled and Amazon was like, we don't know why they're out of stock, and it's like, oh, I went straight to the man.

You don't need to worry about it. Some friends of the pod took care of it. Yeah, exactly.

But yeah, I've been Yeah, I've been meeting up with some dude friends like Brooks, Swedeland and those guys. We go ride bikes by the river and then we hang out under a bridge and then.

You go find a dead body and then you run across the chain tracks.

It is very It is very much like stand by me. Yes, we've been meeting under the river and it's very enjoyable. We bring snacks, there's blankets. It's very fun and wholesome.

Who else besides Brooks Brooks.

Was Nick Turner, Carl has Nick Rutherford. We have a little group.

You know that.

That group is the curly haired Boys. That's the name of your group. Every one of you has relatively the same hair.

Every one of them had a history of curly hair, although I'm the only one pursuing it right now.

You might want to invite Stephen into that group because he absolutely qualified to Steven Big. He's got Steven. You want to hang out by the river with some it's age appropriate.

So yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Stephen, you stay away from that river bed. Those boys are no good.

It's weird there.

Oh so, I'm this is like Los Feliz area, Like there's like a there's a horse, a horse stable and a walking bridge that's brand new in space age and the river.

The Bourbank Equestrian Center.

Right, it's not quite Burbank.

It is by the zoo a little bit.

It is kind of by the zoo. Oh it is okay, you know then okay, we've been meeting by that. And the river it's the La River, and we know it's a naturally occurring river, but it's hard to believe because it's just surrounded by cement embankments and and these flood gates and everything.

But it's where they filmed the car race in Grease, right exactly.

Yeah, for those of you listening at home, it's all cement. There's nothing river like about it except for a very small erie oh erie canal. I meant it like like creepy in its smallness. Yeah, Nile love water where it's like, how come you designed it like this because there's no water down here.

But then over here it's not that narrow Erie canal. It is a wide.

Bowl on river with.

Cattails and bushes and birds and some tents like people live on these little islands. It looks like a real like it. I don't know if they cultivated it, like the city went in and threw some fertilizer down. But it is green and pretty. So if you just look at the water, the river and the islands and the trees, it's gorgeous. And then you pan over and it's just a grease cement race.

Track, just like Hollywood itself. There's a scene in.

The movie Drive where he's silently you know, there's no he has no.

Lines in it, Ryan Gosling. He just looks that jacket.

But he takes the girl and her son on a drive down that grease down the La River embankment, and then they stop and they're suddenly at a nature preserve. I think I discovered that. I think that it exists.

And we discovered it on our bicycles.

Oh yeah, and you went in there and shot all the peacocks.

Yeah yeah, I got very early haired boys stuff. I just love that.

About La is that you forget there's these little nooks and crannies that are like all I hate that I use the phrase nooks and crannies. There's there's hidden nature everywhere.

There's Thomas's English muffin level areas that are filled with butter. The butter of nature that's much better. Nooks and crannies.

Remember that commercial named it was like a big feature of Thomas's English Muffins that that there are pockets for the butter to go into and there's a selling point.

Did someone in an English accent say nooks and crannies?

Mmm?

I don't think they did an English I can't remember.

There was just big butter, butter bubbles, butter reservoirs. I like English muffins because they have butter reservoirs.

Oh oh God.

I have a story for you because so April Richardson's been staying with me. What because she she came to America because she's going to go visit her family, but she's like quarantining with me. She doesn't she already tested negative and then she's she and her friend are going to drive back to Atlanta together.

So she's been quarantining here.

So basically every day it's just me and April are just watching TV, eating and who's swimming in.

The pool all day.

But the first day we did it, we went out there at like eleven thirty in the morning and it was actually still almost foggy, and we stayed in the pool until like two and when we got out of the pool. We were both so sunburnt, like, and it was as if we had never dealt as pale, dark haired women, had never dealt with the sun before.

Like, yeah, I have, I have.

I had such a bad sunburn on my face, Like I haven't worn less than SPF fifty like sunblock on my face since I was fifteen.

Anything less, it's pointless.

And also like, you know, there's melanoma runs in my family. It's a you know, it's also an aesthetic look or whatever. I just stood in the pool, I have. My forehead is peeling, like my whole face was sunburn this when the makeup comes off my nose, I look like the fucking scarecrow. Well, the first thing I do is burn and it just like we were. Mine wasn't as bad because I've been in the sun this summer, but April, because he's been in England this whole time, got like score,

Yeah at first, Eventually, uh, hang out with my dad and then I'm going to move into another place for the second week and hang out with my friends separately and shoot some videos hoops with oh cool yeah, gotta be great. I just gotta be careful when I'm driving up. I'm gonna wear gloves. I'm gonna gingerly handle gas pumps. Mm hmmm. I'm gonna, like I said, peanut jar the whole way, keep.

It, save it, send it somewhere.

I'm not gonna they haven't shown that you can get it this way, but I'm not going to make any eye contact with truckers.

That's just trouble.

Yeah, yeah, that's in all virus aside. That's just how you get shanked by one of these road warriors.

That's you, Chris.

There's no need to mad dog people that drive eighteen wheelers.

The fact that you had to cross that off your list is scary enough.

You know what, everyone I've ever known that as a truck driver is a sweet, kind person.

And why you're trying to fight with them and stare them down, I don't know.

You're right, They're just they just they're in love with the road. And they usually have a Corgie in the cab with.

Them and maybe a couple white whities, some crosstops, some Bennies, some down tears. What are those things? You know? Trucker pills.

They got some black bees, sure, and they got red ladies.

Yeah you got you take them pop a couple of red ladies.

When you got a long haul overnight, you get a fucking iceberg. You get to take two icebergs and a larchmant.

Is there a scene from Smoking in the bandit that where they talk about drug names and you're just reciting them all?

How do you know?

Probably about red ladies and whities.

Don't be sexist. I know about all the pills, just like boys do. Can I tell you what I want? I don't know about any of the pills. Oh, I'll have to give you the pill list. It's amazing. All the cool boys have it.

You just hand me.

It's Santa Claus scroll and it's hundreds and hundreds of truck or.

Pills aspirin al leave.

I've heard of those, well.

I said every pill. I forgot to put my garbage out again this week. It is so irritating. I have to put my garbage out on Tuesday night because the garbage maman comes literally like six am on Wednesday morning.

I again forgot. Yeah, so it's another week.

So it's where do is it out in the street or do you keep it in the house, stinking up lip It.

On the side of the house.

But then I have to keep it up above because the dogs will get it.

And if I well, I won't be leaving.

But if I do something, I'll come in and they'll be like garbage from five days ago laying throughout the living room because Frank got.

Into a bag and wants to bring it inside to show you what he found.

Hey, remember this, Hey, remember you loved this pizza? Now I love it too.

But it's the kind of thing where like.

There's no excuse to forget the garbage night putting the garbage out when I've been doing it for a year straight, Like, there's just no excuse.

And especially now that there's a lot less to think about.

There really is, and I still can't do it. I'm so mad.

No, there's certain things I don't know what. We are less likely to go out that front door. I think that has a lot to do with everything, or at least that's why I'm doing less laundry. I'm scared to go that this launder bat So when I've gone out running or when I go skateboarding, I sweat a lot lately. I don't know why. I think it's glandular. But when I come home i've been I keep those clothes on and I do a pre wash by wearing those clothes in the shower and just kind of washing.

It sounds strange.

I know, I know that this is I know you're not gonna like this, Karen, But I do my sweaty outfit on and I wash it and then I line dry it and it gets dry and then it's not smelly and it's half clean, and then I put it in the hamper.

Do you see what I'm saying. That's yes.

I just think you can take those clothes off and wash them with them. There's I did very like Steve Martin's the jerk about standing and washing it.

It's ridiculous.

And if people were watching me shower like they used to do, I probably would feel embarrassed. But to be honest, I was taking them off. I was washing them by hand and kind of rubbing them together. And it's easier to wash your clothes if you keep them on and you just do all the motions of a shower while wearing a T shirt. I'm getting the armpit area, I'm getting the front, I'm using oxy clean. I'm spraying myself with chemicals. But then but then I out and I

You do, though, I think it's key.

I don't like waste getting dressed to go immediately get sweaty. It's just the waste of an outfit. But that's very gross.

I would thank you the focus.

It's disgusting, and I think the focus should be more on the reception, because you don't want to be the guy in the skateboard group, which I know means the world to you, and it's a hard earned skateboard group and they're i'm sure vicious, and you can't show up smelling like the weird girl in eighth grade.

Here's the it's just a testament to how we've been distancing because no one smelled shit so far.

And are you sure that? Would they say it? I?

You know what, those guys don't talk to me much. I don't think they care about me all that much.

Did they know you're there? Chris? Is it your group of friends?

They don't know anything about me except as a skateboarder that isn't quite as good as them. So it's a very much and I think it's good for me that it's like a sixth grade situation where I have to earn their respect every time I go meet them.

Cool.

Wait, are they again age appropriate or are they younger than you?

No, they're all they're all in their forties. Yeah, but they're really good.

They're all did they ever did they ever have a video that was for sale and Thrasher magazine?

Sure, yeah, they've all they've all been pro skateboarders.

I think that's cool.

So I'm just as stude that always has done it as a hobby and they don't care about comedy or any stuff that I'm doing.

No. Really, Yeah, so eight people like that.

It's the only reason I half washed my shirt.

It's like your little revenge, a half revenge for you. How did you find this group of people?

No, this idea of it was your skateboarding group. And no, it's essentially a group you stand near who're all together. It is.

It is sad that as I talk it out, I feel kind of embarrassed about it. There's one guy, sorry, there's one guy.

That is I laugh like this or should I stop laughing?

No, no, no, it's okay. I am unaffected by anything.

I know that you have dark brown hair.

Yeah, yeah, look at these eyebrows.

They're natural.

I look like a clown probably, But I my friend Ira is a friend. But he has since moved to San Diego. But he introduced me to this group. And I keep going to these seven am meetups, and and I think it's become kind of obvious that they don't really care if I'm there.

So I don't know if I'm gonna keep going.

Have you gone and given them gift bags or anything extended yourself in any way you make a friendship.

I have not brought them gifts I have made to Yeah, I haven't. I haven't done much. Yeah, and maybe I need to try. I need to extend myself a little more.

What was the skateboard company that sent you decks and T shirts? Girl? Girl?

What if you brought you're like, hey, guys, I'm and look, I realized this is a white lie, but it might get you in a little further. Hey, I own girl, it's my I'm good friends with Spike Jones. And then you hand out decks to them and see.

These guys actually know those people. Probably it would just be it's just backfire.

They're like super embarrassing. Yeah, yeah, that's my brother in law. How dare you? I'll I'll fight you in the river bank. I just thought, oh God, I hope I won't have to fight down by the river. Well, I thought at this point, Brooks Wheeland waiting in the reeds to vacuu ups.

Brooks Whelan has this brother that is Dave Bautista, giant, like a bodybuilder, and he showed me pictures of him, and I was laughing out loud because it's his older sibling and he's just a big he looks like the rock or something.

It was just really funny. He showed me that when we're down by the river.

Me and the boys, we show each other a lot of photos of our families.

He pulled up a bunch of his brothers.

And in the light was hitting the water just right.

And man, he's got a muscular older brother. And then this crane swept by, I don't know, drinking Mickey's Big Mouse and looking at family albums.

It's like down by the river, Yeah it's very mid eighties, yes, but yeah, I don't know.

Yeah, these skateboarders.

I thought at some point i'd advance and get better and they'd be like, hey, you have a lot of old skills that are surfacing, but I've kind of leveled out.

I'm not getting much better.

They would be like, you made such great progress, Chris, and they'd go kind of rally around you.

That was a day everyone left a little early and no one said good goodbye to me. Oh, I think I need to find a new group, Karen.

Yeah, it's good. I don't like that for you. That's all right. Not everyone needs to like me.

But here's the thing about I think skateboarders are so chill that it's not like I think you kind of get the same treatment either way. Right, It's just about all they give a shit about is their obsessive need to land the move they're working on. Right, So they're not going, oh, Chris with his half clean shirt is here. They're just doing their thing and if you want to be there, fine and whatever.

You are so right, and I thank you for saying that. You're right. They aren't even thinking.

My whole life, I've always thought, oh, no one likes me or but the fact is they're just not thinking about you. They're thinking about their own stuff, and it's not about you. And I have a weird it's almost like a narcissism in me that I need them to be reacting to my existence. Yes, it's important, Yeah, it really is. In the long run, I should be Maybe i'd be a little better if I was less worried about what they think and I was more thinking about my.

Moves well, or that.

Or you could sleep with one with one of their wives and then get in that way where suddenly everyone's talking about who is this Fairbanks guy? Why does he have such a hold on the group.

You're right.

The minute I showed up today, I did think I should sleep with one of your wives. But COVID distancing, They all wind kids, they seem like nice people.

I'd be shattering family. Sleep later. Look, you got to make your mark. Whoever has to pay for that. That's not your proversion of Shoot first, ask questions later, Test first? What is it? Test first? Sleep of people? Okay, gotcha, gotcha.

Don't say until you see the whites of their brand new wow babies. Oh it's terrible. I'm not sleeping with anyone, Karen. I'm living like a monk.

Look we all are.

That's also I think a really powerful part of quarantine for the people that there's lots of people who are in relationships and at this point they're absolutely miserable and God bless them all. And then there's the people who aren't in relationships and they're feeling a hopelessness as to the level of which that they've never experienced before. That's everyone is very unhappy.

I have never vacuumed with sexual frustration before.

But it is a thorough job, and.

It almost certains into its own sexual experience after a while.

Yeah, I just yeah, it is my own. It's orgasmic that I was thinking of getting a new carpet, but I think I can just keep working on this one with some of my erotic energy that I've been putting into it.

Yeah, put the energy in and bring the carpet back to life. Don't get a new one, just bring it. Vacuum out every last piece of dirt.

But I want one of those round, natural ones.

Like the ones that look like somebody braided a big old shitty rug together.

Thank all the pieces, all the material pieces.

It's very macrome owl on the floor looking carpet. Yeah, I want one of these.

The first it's the first carpet you step in when you walk into the lake house.

Yes, I want a lake house carpet. Sure, yeah, we all do.

Hey, we all do.

Look, that is your next step toward a relationship is get get carpets that people who love cottages would admire. And then that will draw like a moth to a flame. You'll have ladies in and out.

Yeah, and it'll and it'll be good talking. Boy, It's good. It's a good conversation starter. Carpet here?

What would that? What would that sound like? That conversation starter? Uh?

Thank you for asking? Uh that that's me saying that to you. Here's the conversation. Oh, you've come over. Perhaps you'd like to take off your shoes before you walk. I'm my goddamn new carpet. That backfired.

That seems aggressive, It got weird. Your voice was real low.

Yeah, yeah, very threatening. Well I haven't had a lot of practice being around people. So let's try again.

You.

Hey, do you like my new round, natural colored carpet. Go ahead and walk right across it. I don't care if it gets dirty. I just want to get to know you. What do you think.

That was awful so many different ways.

Okay, you told me where to walk, Okay, I also don't want to take my shoes off in a stranger's apartment.

No, I said leave them on the second time, I was like, go ahead and walk wherever you want. You have the freedom to march across.

I thought you were doing a thing where you were super into like your your foot guy, and you're into bare feet. And then you're like, walk all over my dirty apartment with your feet, Like I'm going to start taking pictures and posting them on Wiki.

I don't have that much pent up sexual energy. And I don't understand these feet people, to be honest. Eating the most beautiful foot, the most ugly knobby foot with corns and bunions. I'm unaffected either way. I just don't pay attention to feet. Does that make me toenails? I do you know?

What do you look for in a toenail? Criss?

Just for them to not look like you've been kicking tree stumps all day. Just take care of them, you know.

But other than that, you have no requirements.

Yeah, I don't need feet to be all supple.

I don't need them to not be ugly.

I just need everyone in the world to wear shoes. I have the opposite of a foot fetish.

You want to cover them up.

I want the world to wear combat boots.

Let me ask you a question you have So say you have your beautiful woven natural rug in the circular one that's right in your doorway.

I have a dog eared on Amazon ready to order.

Yes, so imagine that that's been delivered in three weeks from now, and you have it thrown down. And there's a gal and she's taken her shoes off outside and she walks into your apartment.

You're like, this is it?

And then her feet are so dry and calloused that they actually catch on that carpet and drag it with them into the rest of the house. What's your call there? What's the next play there?

First of all, I think that her feet are dry because she's been putting hand sanitizer on them. You know it drives the skin. You don't You only need to do that with your hands. I sing the Birthday Song twice as I wash my hands, and then I sing it a second time as I wash my feet.

You don't need to do that.

You just need to keep Also, she's not coming in while you're washing your feet.

No one is.

Coming into my apartment. This is going to be a meet and greet at the door. Oh, I will open the door and say, look in here. I got this new carpet, but you can't come in. Good, good, So and the fact that you really it's kind of a horrifying situation. You're saying, her feet are so dry that they snaged the carpet.

Yeah, yeah, oh god. So she has the face. It looks she is the face of an angel. Angels angel she is, she's your dream lady from when you were twelve years old.

But her feet are eagle talents.

It looks like crusty Italian bread that have hooked onto this carpet.

That's also natural.

Oh, the two naturally naturally occurring items nixed together. And then she it looks like she's wearing one big almost like a one big what are those called snow a snowshoe. Shit's your rug and she's wearing it all around your apartment.

Okay, you win, Karen.

I guess I do have some opinions about feet.

I told you, I knew I was going to prove it. You beat it out of me.

I would maybe ask La, the lady whose feet snag my carpet and make it free, I would possibly ask to leave my home.

You know what you could do, I'm going to solve this problem that I made up for you. Is like you're saying, you go, hey, can we have a hallway hang? I realized I am more comfortable that way. You actually give it a term like that Chris's hallway hangs. Then she can see it, she can visualize it. Oh, I belong out here with this one big rugshoe. Oh yeah, And I'll stand in the hallway and talk to him.

So as long as I give it a name like it's a popular thing to.

Do, it's just the thing you do every day at four, it's Chris's hallway hang.

Yeah. Like with my buddy Jim, we have stoop drinks.

We go out on a stoop and then he says that shit want to have a stoop drink, And I'm like, yeah, I know what that is. I've become comfortable with that saying I have to come up with this.

Jim one of the skateboarders.

No, no, he's a he's a regular friend that actually likes me.

He cares about my well being.

I was going to tell those guys today, I'm going to be gone for a couple of weeks.

I'm going to go to Montana. But I didn't even bother you'd be like, guys, guys, you can still hang totally cool with me. I'm not going to be here though, So.

There's a slim chance sometime in a couple of weeks they'll all be at Costco and they'll be like, Hey, where's Chris. We just realized we miss him. Yes, that kind of smelly little guy.

They're going to be like, hey, we finally stuck that Allie. Yeah, Allie's flip a mick flip? Uh the mick whatever called?

Uh just say a tray flip, Like say it. We were working on our three sixty flips the other day. Three sixty flip.

It's so they finally yeah, three sixties now, and then they finally have the chance to focus on something outside themselves, right, which is a painful thing for them because they had hard childhoods.

Yeah, and that's the reason that they scaped in the first place, is just to get away from the screaming and the light abuse.

You mean, now, you bring up a good point.

I've asked none of these guys about their childhoods.

Get in. That's way I can ext it myself. Bring a gift.

Ask about what it was like when they were kids.

You're like, did you grow up similar to any of the dog town z boys?

Just ask that first and they'll love that. They'll know you saw the documentary.

Yeah, which any core skateboarder does. They bring up that dog.

I feel like you're playing with not that they're mean, but like skateboarders as a hanging group seem very it's borderline surfing where it's very clicky and like locals only type stuff. I mean, it feels like you're playing with fire here, even though they're fifty.

Yeah, it's my experience hasn't been it's always like quirky, creative kids. But you're right, this feels very much like we're all meeting at a surf spot and it's kind of territory. That's exactly how it is. You're hitting all the nails on the heads. So here's the serration today.

Here's what I think. When you were in Montana, get everyone a little souvenir, and so when you come back, here's this is a snow globe with the mountain range that I looked at as a child.

Sure, okay, and that's for you, Rudy, you're so good. What if I gave them all snow globes?

I just this one, says Glacier National Park. I hope you enjoy it.

Yep, they're all wrapped.

Yeah, you really take a moment. After the session's over.

I'll bring them stick you know what I will pick up. I'll pick some stickers up and I'll give them stickers from my local friends skate shop. Maybe they'll appreciate that.

Great, Yes, But then I would also something to remember the state by. You know, maybe they've never had a chance to go to Montana, so you can.

Say these are our fresh blueberries. What have you?

What if I had dry through Glacier Park, take some pictures and just show them pictures on my phone.

Is that enough of a gift. It's not. That's not a gift.

Look at this, it's going to the sun Road. It's beautiful. All right, that's enough.

That's enough. You look, looks don't touch? Yeah, everyone looked.

Don't touch is the most devastating thing someone could say to you. And you're just like, look at my thing, look, don't touch.

Oh God, Yeah, that was that seems abusive. That's yeah, Yeah, that's a that's a real say it don't spray it thing. I have a speech, I'm working on it. I have a tongue thrust. You think I asked for it. It was a gift from God. I don't need some popular kid saying say it, don't spray it. I need the news, not the weather. You're hurting my feelings. Sorry, spit.

Did you spit on kids? It sounds like a lot, Karen, A lot. Yeah.

I was a spitter and a nose picker. I found Actually this isn't I was gonna say. It was my story. My friend Ross, he liked this girl and then he found a note in the playground and it was a note that one girl had written to another. And she said, I sure like Ross. He's really cute, but he picks his nose a lot. And I just remember now, I was thinking, well that that note could have been about me.

Look, I just did it. Yeah, but that's not the same pinching the side of your nostril because there's a little itch or maybe there's something going on. Yes, it's passable.

No to do it in your car when you're by yourself and this was zoom a zoom call.

But what what kind of a kid in sixth grade takes out a tiss to you and blows their nose all loud and making sure the whole classroom looks back at them. You.

No, you're acting like the only choice is to pick your nose at school. Why don't boys understand that every move you make it school will absolutely be talked about and held against you. Yeah, Like, if you want to pick your nose, that's for you to do in the privacy of your bedroom with the music turned out.

Yeah, yeah, totally yeah.

But listening to punk rock, Yeah, that's how you get a nose bleed. I picked my nose to Roxy music.

Because you're fucking stylish.

Yeah yeah, okay, uh yeah, thank god I kicked that habit.

It's a love picking picking, picking a love. I couldn't think of it roxy music songs, so I just went I went with that one.

Well, get on Spotify and rediscover.

Them abb alone picking your nose to avalon Ah, that's funny.

Oh god, Ross, I'm sorry I told a story about the note you found.

If you're listening Ross, listen, Wait, what grade was that in?

Oh?

Like sixth grade, because you know, it's funny.

April and I were talking about it. We were laughing so hard at all the things that happened to you that are bad in like junior high in high school.

Yeah that you cause she, like she and Millie had.

We're talking about somebody they went to high school with and how like they were popular in high school and not and not, you know whatever, life didn't do well by them, and that whole idea of like thank god we didn't peak in high school. But as we were

And it's like, but you can't.

You look back and like the people that were popular weren't funny or cool.

It was just this weird they played football or yeah yeah, or they were just for the girls.

It was like they were all pocket sized, small or just had weird per thick faces or whatever. But like but then went on to kind of like muck around in reality and not have a very good time because no one gave a shit about them once high school was over.

Yeah, it's sad to think about it. I feel bad for that. I haven't been to a high school reunion. I don't think I want to be confronted by that stuff. But you're right. I didn't like high school. I thought no one liked me until the very end, Like senior year, I was like, wait, a lot of these people like me. And then I had so much fun in college and made friends right away. It's like, maybe it was just my high school was haunted.

No, it was ghosts that made you unpopular, not you're constant nose picking.

Hey, I curved that.

But no, you're right, I picked all through high school.

But would you actually do it like in a class?

Oh am, I gonna have a hanky in my back pocket like some kind of a grandpa.

How is that worse than putting your finger in your fucking nose?

It's just more convenient for who?

What about those around you?

I was real secretive. No one ever saw me, no one ever caught me. I was real good sleight of hand, it was early magic.

Why wouldn't you wait to go into the.

Bathroom because there's so many germs. That's the last place you could use your fingers for anything.

Have you ever picked your nose in front of the skateboard crew? Oh god? Probably?

Oh god, group, those guys are never gonna like me.

All right, Well, what are your final thoughts? Chris?

If you haven't watched my special Rescue Cactus, I made it a little easier and it is now on Chris Fairbanks Comedy Special dot com or Rescue Cactus dot com great as well as where Narley. But yeah, it's on vimeo. Please watch it. Uh, we're getting close to our goal of paying for it, and yeah, thank you. That's all. That's all I have to plug.

How about you, Karen, I don't have anything to plug. Although there's a documentary that I watched the other night. We keep watching these documentaries and there's this documentary called Recorded I believe, and it's the Marianne Stokes Project.

There was a woman in Philadelphia, I believe.

In the all through the eighties and nineties and early two thousands who recorded twenty four hours of television news every day. She had a whole system of VCRs in her apartment. It's the most fascinating story. And she was this really, really intelligent, kind of like almost of the intelligentsia of the local culture woman. And she was black and she hosted a television show like that was on PBS. It's the most fascinating story. We were like blown away. It was really I'm going to watch it.

I want to ask why she was recording all that, but it's probably in the documentary and I should just watch it.

Yeah, you should. It's really good. It's really good.

Well, I'm going to watch it. And by the way, Karen, see this nice white shirt that I'm wearing. Yeah, I washed it on my body in the shower and it smells great. I just got a whiff of it. It smells great. Don't get mad at me, because I know the future of clothing washing. You keep it on your body and you act like it's part of your skin, And do you wash it with shampoo and I line dryot. Yes, I've washed it with a soap that's good for your hair,

My shirts smell great and my skin is supple, is it.

Are you using Lever two thousand for all your two thousand parts on that shirt?

Oh fucking a.

Do you remember a soap that hasn't existed for twenty.

Years because it meant the world to me where I was like, yeah, maybe I should get I'm going to get my mom to buy Lever two thousand because it's for all your two thousand parts.

He was sing that part of your brain that you could be remembering an actor when someone says name an actor and you just well.

I can't have a favorite actor because you got soap in the brain, because I'm like, for all your two thousand parts. Remember, it was like and then it was the squares. It was like this part of your elbow, this part of your knee. Yeah, Weaver two thousand.

God, it's one of those ads that lets us know that we are evolving and we were kind of dumb twenty twenty five years ago.

It's true.

It was because that soap was almost marketed like this is computer soap for the future people, and.

I was like, I've got to be a part of this movement.

Now there was an American soap that washes absolutely what is dirty on you parts? Liver leave two thousand and the future of soap imagine.

They were.

It was like, we need a futuristic soap name yep, think of this unt touchable year, the year two thousand. It's sure, it's nineteen eighty eight now, yeah, but in two thousand, our soap is gonna hover off the sink into our space showers.

Or we'll wash our own clothes on our bodies.

You'll just put your hands back and much like the Jetsons, the soap will a little antenno come out of it and.

It'll wash your body without your help. And then to turn to the camera and go, it's a living I hate my space job.

You'd think this guy'd be a little cleaner. I always love those jokes in cartoons growing up, where they were overtly not jokes, like not funny, and I would just be like, oh.

That's just an animal being abused. Tsd eat garbage under the sink all day, No.

Wonder that weird stork doesn't want to be the garbage dispussal at Fort Flintstone's house. He's bummed, he's gotta eat all those bones. And all right, this is us wrapping up.

Yep, yep.

We always do wind down with conclusionary statements. Thank you for listening. It's good to see you, Karen. I feel like we're almost in the same room.

I know, it's good to see you too. It's let's do another one of those trivia zoom shows. That was the most fun.

Yeah, yeah, let's invite ourselves.

Okay, okay, Well let's treat everything like a group of fifty year old skateboarders and just invite ourselves.

Oh so whatevers. Really embarrassed now, I just keep showing up. I realize these guys don't really like me.

I'm going to show up with you one time and then just throw out like a folding chair and then watch you and take pictures and just make it all the most humiliating experience I have.

I've brought friends. I'm like, look, this guy likes me. It just isn't helping.

They're a tough group. But you know what if they'll have your back if you get stabbed.

In that parking lot, I bet you they will come and wrap your wound or Saint John's.

I think you're right. Actually, yeah, they're not.

They're not about talk. They don't they're not about communicating feelings.

They're men. You know there's skateboarding men. You do.

You do have a point. And I haven't even thought about it that much, but you're right.

Yeah, I think about it all the time.

I can't stop obsessing over it. How we get in with this group?

All right, let's go. Yeah, good to see your friend.

You've been listening to You've been You've been listening, You've been listening.

I'm a little kid.

Who's been outside playing and I'm excited to tell me. You guys, Hey, you guys, you you've been listening to? Uh?

Do you need right? D Y N A R? I even want to way bad?

Either way, we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much bag you.

Claim to give us.

Time and a turmanol and gay.

We want to send you off instar Do you want to welcome you back home?

Tell us all about every scared he was?

It fine?

Melbourne?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? To ride? Do you need with Karen and Chris