S2 - Ep. 42 - Chris & Karen

Are you leave in I you wanna way back home? Either way, we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a terminol and gay a.

We want to send you off InStyle.

We want to welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it.

We scared her?

Was it fine?

Now? Porn?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Need to ride? Do you need with Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need a ride? This is Chris Fairbanks.

And this is Karen Kilgariff.

We are not in a car. We're at home still, because we're.

Really at home still. There's still a pandemic. Everybody stop pretending that there's not there.

Most of the bars in my neighborhood have opened up at some level. They're yeah, and now they're probably going to have to close. It's they're going to have to yeah, it's but will they I saw that in Houston. They they were at one hundred percent capacity with all their ICU and the and the governor told them to just quit reporting that information because it looked bad. Yeah.

I feel like that's a new way to do things. Is the Donald Trump approach, which is just lie while everyone dies except for you, who's so rich you live at the top of a skyscraper in New York City and nothing will ever touch you.

Yeah, he's really I mean, this is no new news. But he's really setting a bad example for humans.

I think he's I feel like he's not as ethical as I would want to.

Wait, what, really, I'm sorry you.

Look, I realize I'm really I'm churning the soup here, but I might as.

Well spit in a veteran's face. Karen.

It's so nightmarishly strange. It's all those people too, Like I was talking to somebody about this where I empathize with those twenty five year old who are like, yeah, I'm not I'm gonna go to a bar after three months being by myself and I'm not gonna wear a mask and I stand right next to other people, and I'm going to pretend that the world is not going the way it's going. That's what I would have dotten at age twenty five and in my full blown blackout alcoholism.

Yeah, it's not.

Like I'm judging those people, but they are killing people because of that denial and a substance abuse issue.

Yeah, And I mean my nephew is nineteen and he's like, Nope, I'm staying home playing video games and he should be out kissing girls. But he's responsible. So sometimes people are being great.

Yeah, there's there's some but but they still man those pictures of bars where people are just it's such uh you know, isn't there like five It's like five stages of denial. We have to now tack on the twenty twenty version. There's six where it's like anger right where it's like anger, depression was in there, depression's in there, and then acceptance is the last one. And now we have to tack on giving up putting your fingers in your ears and yelling la la la at a bar

Sammy Hagar is a example was I'm I think I'm willing to die for the economy. He said. Basically, he said, back in the you know, our grandparents died in the war to fight for our freedom. It's time for everyone to risk their lives for the economy, which is American freedom. According to him, like he's just saying this from a barstool in most Lawn or wherever he makes his tequila and falls off a stool every night.

Yeah, he's saying that from his from his lawyer's office where he's signing LLC papers because he has probably fifteen companies that are directly impact by people not going to bars. It's like my, but my automatic margarita maker. Yeah, you're being sold, and my salt company isn't. My margarita salt company isn't flourishing. I mean, talk about conflict of interests. Sammy, Sammy, and you.

Have to be drunk to enjoy any of his Van Halen songs.

It is true. But then if you're junk enough that right now, that can really get it be an anthem that gets you through the night.

Oh yeah, there's a reason Coca Cola or PEPSI used it in that car, one.

Of those slow mo cans smashing into each other I was in.

I was in Mazet Lawn for uh. It was like a furlough during a cruise. You get to be in Mozet Lawn for four hours. And I really was wanting to see Sammy Hagar there somewhere, because that's or no, it was Cabo San Lucas, Cabo Wabo Tequila. I guess he really lives there, and I was looking for him because I just wanted to push him off a stool.

I saw a picture of him recently when he did make that announcement that he was willing to die for the economy, which just means he wants you to die for the economy, right that he's going to do anything.

But yeah, he's willing to be the middleman to killing your grandma is basically.

He wants to open the dye door and have you walk through it. He has different hair now, so he is very much not the keeping.

Seventy two that. Yeah, yeah, God, the world just keeps turning.

He looks like a woman who would be angry at a Joanne Fabrics. Yeah now what I felt the vibe I was getting from him, as opposed to before when he was kind of like he looked like the bad boy at the tire store.

Yeah yeah, Now he's yelling because they don't have the buttons.

He wants, see where's my zebra print? I've spent a lot of money at this store, Joanne.

You know I sew my own tight pants. How am I supposed to do high kicks? Well, we know that was kind of David Lee Roth's thing.

That was his thing. No one looked to you for any kind of gymnastics the way the DLR did it. Also, David Lee Roth isn't out there telling people to die for the economy. Another reason why you should have only liked the first Van Helen and not the second one.

Totally.

He never would do that.

Yeah, we can trust Diamond Dave I do. I saw him. I saw him at the Hollywood Bowl a couple of years ago, and he was he David Lee Roth ripped off his shirt and he was ripped and then he had two racing stripes on his body tattooed filled with coyfish and he had like this this this robe, this this Kimona. Kimona, thank you kimono. I've Kimona. That's a rope for ladies. I'd like to add the.

Kimona is a girl that works at the theater who's trying to get backstage and meet David Lee Wrong, right.

Right, Oh yeah, he was telling a lot of scandalous stories that he probably shouldn't have told. You know, that little gap between the Rainbow Room and the Key Club. We weren't back there smoking cigarettes, y'all. It was something else going on back there. Yeah, I'm talking about sex stuff. This one's called Panama Keep really and everyone's like, whoa. He was getting a lot of indiscretions.

But meanwhile, if you would just go to the other side of the Rainbow Room, there's a beautiful Hilton right there, you would not have to be in the alley to have your sex. Just throw out two hundred and fifty dollars, you fucking rich bitch, and go get that poor woman a room and some privacy.

Yeah. Yeah, things have gotten a lot easier for the rockers.

Yes, that's why they built up Sunset stripped the way they did.

I had a meeting across the street with my commercial agent. I think there's still my commercial agent. Commercials don't happen anymore, but they probably still have that office. And I was early, so I went to the Rainbow Room and sat next to Lemmy from Motorhead because he used to always be there, and I had like three or four drinks. The guy from Puddle of Mud was there, and it got Oh, his wife used to work for Fuel TV when I worked for Fuel TV.

Lemmy's wife.

No, I'm sorry. Lemmy was there, and then also this guy.

From Puddle okay.

And then I said, oh, she brought in that heavy metal sword. There was a sword that had in the in the handle it had remember heavy metal that animated. Yeah, it was a commemorative sword from that that was seven feet long, and she brought it in for some promotional photo shoot. They were going to make billboards at the Fox lot, so we just based it around this sword, and I said, and he got really upset and he's like,

Karen, No I like it. I just want to say, well, there's so much to that story. I love that all of it happened before, like basically before seven o'clock, because you still went to a commercial agent meeting.

Yeah it was around noon, but yes, yes.

Well that was happening at noon. But when I worked at the movie theater in Sacramento on Saturday night, the midnight show was in one theater it was Rocky Horror, in another theater it was Quadrophenia, and then the third theater it was heavy metal. And then the best part was beforehand, these three very very disparate groups and clicks of people would be standing there trying to order popcorn and be so high and so drunk, and it would be the Mods with their you know, their bangs and

That was. Were they already throwing toast and all those things that interactive things you do while watching Rocky Horror? It was yeah, it was real. It was fully it was because it's yes.

No, no, no, it was the nineties yeah, but it was. I would go in and watch, like stand in the back on my brakes and watch each one, and it definitely heavy metal was the group I was more into. Except that movie is very because it's from the eighties, right, It's like the early eighties, and so the animation is you can almost see the individual cells as it cracks, like you know, you're flying on an eagle through but you can kind of see how they made it a

Yeah, there's nudity in it. It's just a long video music video. Yeah, that's all it is.

But at one point a sword gets raised up a little bit like he man style or she row. I don't know.

Well, I have a photo and we can add it to the I have a photo of me with that sword. It is majestic.

Let's add it. Yes, is Lemmy in the photo anywhere? Like even a.

Shoulder or No. He was really sweet though, I mean I think he died shortly after that.

But wait, so you did you talk to him? Oh?

Yeah, he's just there's an outdoor bar there, and I'm just like Motorhead. I like, I like your band, like and he's like, thanks a lot. What's your name? He was just really sweet. He was the kindest.

That's the best way to do it, because you're not going Lemmy Monster for his last name was. We're not basically acting like a super fan that's gonna to be high pressure and annoying. You're basically like casual fan that's also down to party. Yeah, Yeah, that's the way to do it.

Yeah. And I think he had a pint glass of Jaegermeister or it was Coca Cola. I don't know if he was sober, but he was very straight. Yeah.

Could he have Could Lemmy have been sober?

I think he was. I think he was on a health kick and then you know, just got some gifts from God, cancer or something. I don't think O sit drinking. Yeah.

I wonder if he was playing at the Whiskey or the Roxy that night, and like was just hanging out at the Rainbow filling time.

He just I was looking for him because I heard he was just a fixture there and sure enough, I'm like, I'm going in here to see if Lemmy is here, and he was the only one there. It was the middle of the day. He was having a I think he was the bar back. Yeah, he was like washing some glasses. He's like, order up French fries.

Now, can I tell I'm going to try to trump your story, because that actually is the best Hollywood bar story I think I've heard so far.

Oh, like, that's good.

That's the best star sighting in my opinion, in terms of true legitmus and like who's cooler than Lemmy? No, no one?

And the fact that I was looking for him and found him. Yes, AD's credit.

Because also he's findable, and then once you find him, you have to act correctly around him for him to want to party with you. And you did it like you basically got all the way through that video game Congratula.

Yeah, yeah, I got all the way to the end and saved the princess.

You did, You got the fucking sword up in the air?

Yeah, I did? You did.

But well, my story was that we were at the Coach and Horses back when it was just a straight up dive bar. It had it had a pool table. Did you ever go there in the nineties or two thousands where.

I remember it existing? But no, I never went there.

The pool table was too close to the right hand wall, so you had to use a shortened pool queue if you had to shoot from that side.

It was that kind of Oh, that's great.

And one time we got drunk there in the afternoon, went during the Malibu mud slides of ninety five or six, and we were super drunk watching just the entire mountain side pour onto the one I and then something came on and it was Sharon Stone. It was the height of Sharon Stone time, and Sharon Stone was on TV and I was like, I'm sick of looking at her. And I was just being bitchy about Sharon Stone and talk shit and the bartender told me to shut up.

God, yeah, she probably know her, she's her neighbor or something.

Hell yeah, it was really funny. That was she Ginger taught me that first lesson of like, if you want to talk shit about people in Hollywood, you gotta do it quiet and just to one person because people are listening.

Yeah. Also, bartenders here everything. Yeah you think they don't.

But usually they they keep it on the QT. They don't tell you to shut up to your face.

Yeah yeah, no, I like that it. Yeah, yeah, it's pretty good.

Oh, but that wasn't the story. The story was we would go there often to drink after comedy shows and stuff, and one night Ray Davies from the Kinks was there.

Oh wow.

It was either Ray Davies or Dave Davies, and they were They got so drunk by the end of night they fell off the barstool. All that he was amazing. I wouldn't have recognized him myself, by every everybody that I was with was flipping it like all the There was a my friend, Laura's boyfriend, Mike, Mike King, the greatest guy who was also great guitarist himself. Immediately was like, holy shit, Ray Davies is here, Like this is insane, and everybody got to kind of like quietly and calmly

Yeah, yeah, well maybe they're on the other side further up the street going west. Isn't that where Mark mothers Bo's famous recording studio. Is that round green building?

The Oh yeah, yeah yeah that used that used to be near Bullwinkle and Rocky.

Yeah, that's why there's always rock stars around there, because I guess people record there.

God, I love Hollywood and stars.

Isn't it cool? One day I'm going to get in my car and rediscover it all. Go a little further and there's the car wash that I think Milton Martinez kick flipped off into a band.

You love Milton, Milton Martinez, everybody, Let's bring it back.

Let's bring it back. Let's talk about the hits.

Let's let's talk about great moments on the Diner podcast.

Felt normal the other night you and I did that, played Quiplash yep, and uh it was streamable. I guess people could watch it, but it felt afterwards. I was like on a little bit of a high for twenty four hours because I felt like I had been at a party with fun people entire.

I loved that group of people. Everyone was so fucking fun. I mean like I started getting very competitive about joke writing because I just not so much that I wanted to win the game. I wanted to show the other people in that group because it was you and me. Gareth Reynolds of The Doll Up, Chase Bernstein, legendary stand up comic, Chase Bernstein, Juela Sharp, who's an amazing New York comic. She might, I don't think she has a podcast.

And Jay. I had never met Jay before. What was his last name? He was sweet and funny.

I the first thing I want to say is Jay Johnson.

But that's because right it was Jay.

And then at Jay it was a Jay that yeah, yeah, it might be Jamison.

J Jameson Jason J Jason.

Now J Jacob's the first name in fashion. Remember that store from the eighties, Yes, hold up.

But we kept I think there's still a j. Jacobs in the Southgate Mall in Missoula.

For real. I would kill to go there. I would kill to go there.

They warned us to not play the game on our phones, and I wasn't sure why because I'm like, I think I type better on the phone and it's right in front of me. But I learned the reason. I kept swiping the game off. I did it twice. It was embarrassing, but I got in the habit of it because someone told me that if you get rid of all the open apps on your phone, it'll run more smoothly. And oh so I'm just in the habit of throwing away pages. And I did it twice. I threw the game away.

Yeah, yeah, you were killing it, and then I threw it away.

I threw it away just.

So people know. This is a game. It's called quip League, and it's hosted by Louie Kats. And who do you know the co host? His name's Greg and Grant.

Yeah, Grant.

Uh, his first name is Grant. Yeah, sorry, Grant Grant with a G right, Geez. Louie Kats and Grant g It was great. They were great hosts.

They were great that it felt. Yeah, the production value it was great. But I mean, if only we had that kind that level of production value on this podcast.

Don't hurt Stephen's feelings, No, No, I mean they had interstitialed.

There was great music. I know, it's I was pointing the figure at myself I know there's video proof.

That I was pointing back at you when I point at myself.

Hey you, I know you, I know you like, did.

You goo me?

But we know what we're talking about.

That game, though, I was like, it was really funny because we had a great time, great jokes were written, hilarious callbacks, wonderful interactions whatever. Chase Bernstein ended up winning it. But at the end, when we all said goodnight, thanks for being here, we went offline for the audience, but all the comics stayed on for like five minutes. We're saying goodbye for five minutes.

Yeah.

I did not want it to.

End me too. Yeah, And that's what felt cool is everyone was enjoying themselves and it's like, Okay, I'm so used to using zoom, which is how we were communicating with each other on there, and how we're doing this right now where yeah, zoom is making money during this thing, but yes they are. But when you do a comedy show that way, there isn't usually a hangout afterwards. And it felt the same or as close as I confined to an actual party.

Yes, yeah, because there was enough people that like I didn't know that well, but still was like this is interesting or this is you know, like we can all kind of socialize, and everyone was definitely like I just it just felt like everyone was trying to write their best jokes and so was the most hilarious. But I just so you know, I did a thing where a couple times where I was just staring at my phone and staring at like people's answers, so like I didn't vote on who I wanted to.

Yeah, yeah, I did that.

I missed cues so many times.

Because you missed, you lost points when you didn't vote even yes, because the more popular answer you would get credits if you vote for that. It's really fun. It's called Quipblash. This game play it quick.

Blash, and the game, the hosted version is quip League, So its like it's it's cool because everyone's doing versions of this kind of like it's an online game night and you can come and watch it or.

And half of them were from New York, like we were just yeah, yeah, hanging out.

It's yeah, that was the best part. It's got to be that online comedy shows get to books such a such a better mix of people because it's it can be anywhere. Yeah, it can be.

If you're looking for a silver lining about the end of comedy.

It's the end of comedy. Yeah, that's great.

The geographic diversity of zoom shows. Yes, you could be doing a show with someone from Budapest.

No longer can you use the excuse I can't book comics from Budapest because they're on the wrong timeframe. Yeah, yeah, nope, not anymore.

I was, Yeah, I was it, so we all. I shut my laptop and I was like, that was fun. And I started playing music and I mixed up a drink and I kept the party going. And then I just you know, I set up silhouettes and I was interacting with them. I was I was having a real McCauley coke culcan and home alone. God. That was hard to say, but you know what I'm saying.

It felt like you were trying to say you were doing coke and pretending you were mcauleay culkin.

I ah, no, no more cocaine in my life. The hangovers are too harsh. Only reason.

Not after Lemmy died.

No, No, that was his one word of Wisbon when wed. I'm drinking coke but you shouldn't. Yeah, it was done.

It was good.

Can I tell you about something I did today please? I went skateboarding early in the morning and met with.

My us Milton there.

No, no, it's a forty and up crew, right yeah, yeah, and uh it's funny. That's this friend of ours, Sarah, who skates with us. She made these signs. Yeah, yeah, she's the coolest. And she made these signs that say drive like your parents are skateboarding here, that look like the drive like your kids live here signs. Because cars once that Costco opens, cars are just really they're gunning to go get toilet paper, I guess.

Yeah.

And yeah, it's a a slow skateboarding zone, like there's all these old guys skateboarding that are stuck in the gardening, like the planters around there, and people obey them. Yes, it's become. And the maintenance guy from Costco comes by and says hi to us, and it's great.

It's how early do you go again? Like seven in the morning?

Yeah? Seven am? Yeah.

Do you are there any skate betties that sit there and watch you skate at seven in the morning?

No, no, not not yet, but it's catching on where it is out there. There's the the whole parking lot is a buzz.

I, skate betties and then also skate billies. I don't know what's the pool.

Yeah, that's the cool thing now. It's just there are a lot of women skateboarding there. Uh every day, not every day, but I've seen a lot of women skating with us.

And every day of my life I see women skating.

Yeah, it's a new I if that, oh man, my youth would have been differently if women were involved.

I think that goes that's the case for pretty much every aspect of anyone's life. If they just would have let some women in, things right, gone much better, much different, much better now, Chris, would you be able to know if the guy who remember the guy who was skating up Western and turned around on his board and gave me the old salute. I wonder if he's skating with you in the morning, because he wasn't young.

Oh when I, oh, I wasn't with you. That was another skate siding. He just that was I.

Just told the story on the show. But I was driving up Western. It was miraculously empty somehow, and there was a guy on a skateboard, a longboard, going up the street, and he turned around. He heard my car coming, turned around on his board and saluted me as I went around to pass him.

I'm not surprised, gentlemen.

Yeah, truly chival wist.

I did a peaceful protest skate from the Vista Theater to my nameighborhood with all these kids, and they everyone had a mask and they were, uh, you know, they weren't being defiant in any way. I thought. I was a little worried about hundreds of skateboarders getting together. I thought maybe someone had spray paint or kick over a trash can.

No, or do it kind of like dirty rotten imbeciles thing.

Yeah a d right, Oh that I'm so glad that you referenced that logo me.

Yeah, that was my That was one of my early, very early exposure to punk rockers and punk. Was a kid that I went to camp with named Chris Johansson, who's I'm sure now like a dad or whatever. But he was the coolest when we were like twelve years old, and he had a dirty he had a dri sticker, yeah, and he brought a skateboard to camp, which is like, where are you on pine needles or on that dirt?

Pat? Oh? I thought, I bought the album because it was called Thrash Zone.

Yeah, and were they skate specific DRI.

I think thrash was there was like a when a version of heavy metal and punk rock merging, I think is what thrash metal was. Oh okay, but Thrashing was skateboarding or that was the magazine, So that's why I bought it. So that was the first. It was like stand by Me soundtrack, Stevie Wonder, Dire Straits, and then I.

Fucking I bought.

I bought DRI and George Michael Faith on the same purchase.

Was cr this band that sings Take the Skinheads Bowling. Take the Skinheads Bowling, Take that Bowling.

I don't think that sounds more like a Dead Kennedy's song or something. I don't know.

I'm going to look it up.

It was all it was all like songs about coffins and stuff. It was like trying to be really morbid.

Take the Skinheads Bowling. So it was their big solution.

I went skating, and then I came home and I took a shower, and and then I put on the same pants because they weren't that sweaty, but I couldn't find my underwear and I'm out of underwear. I have three giant bags of laundry. I've gone two months without doing the laundry because I'm scared to go the laundromat. And the last time I paid to have it done it was like one hundred dollars. So it's like I've just waited until I was out of underwear. And I was on my last pair this morning, so I put

Oh wait, the best that is this is the most embarrassing. I first of all, I'm two things. When you finally do laundry, please wash all those clothes in hot because two months worth of being in a bag is going to have made dirty clothes even dirtier.

You are very right. And also just a little up update on my my the bites on my penis, I think we're we're bed bugs. Oh no, so yeah, I put I I gassed my room with a flea bedbug bomb thing and I didn't find any on my mattress. But yes, I'm washing those sheets and I'm going to do a great job, and it's going to be hot water.

And don't be afraid to hit that sanitized button, because that's what that's for a on an industrial wash.

Seriously, yeah, I never I never hit the button. It's really intimidating.

Don't be afraid. It's there for you for that reason. It's just going to use the hottest possible water and you throw some bleach in there, whatever you need to do. Wait, what was my second point?

Well, they're bright red sheets, so it would be a classic situation where I turn all my whites pink.

Threatening your manied. No, what if the skateboys saw that you had a pink shirt on? Oh that's what I was going to say. I was going to tell you that this is not my story, it's my friend Bradford story,

Likely teflon or something.

Yeah, it's not for human skin consumption, so it's really bad for you. So at one point they got onto this topic and apparently Bonnie Hunt kind of lect everybody like you cannot use it, and she's I think she's Irish Catholic. I'm pretty sure she is, because she reminds me of my family so much, where it's like, if we have a belief, we we are going to tell you about it now it's going to be your belief and if you don't adapt our belief, you're going to

Way she I know she is very funny. But what is what is Bonnie Hunt famous for?

She's been like the mother, the sister. She's blonde, she's an actress. She's been in a ton of stuff. She's been on tons of TV shows. She originally, I believe, was some Second Cities Chicago. She's a famous Chicago actress. So she was like in Jerry Maguire, she was renee Zelwigger's sure. I think like she think.

I just know from the Bonnie Hunt show how funny she was.

She's hilarious. I mean, she's truly hilarious. She's also Mini Drivers friend or sister or something in a.

Circle of boys kissing cars and boys kiss.

Circle of Friend, Circle of Friend, return to me, the one where Circle.

Of Boys is the porno version that they made afterwards.

Don't go stand in that circle of boys.

It's still heartwarming.

Did you ever see the David du Coveney movie where Minnie Driver got a heart transplant and it turns out it was the donated heart of David Dukevney's uh dead wife, And then they fall in love because if you haven't, is it untamed heard it's no, No, that's the Christian Slater one.

Yeah, he got a heart transplant from a monkey and it made him throw his ship.

Yeah everyone, No, Oh, this untamed heart of mine. It makes me want to shit into my own hand all the time.

I wish they could tame it.

But the payoff of the of the Bonnie Hunts story is that one of the producer my friend was a producer on her talk show and she had given this speech very passionately and very like aggressively, I do not use this whatever. Yeah, And one day they're in her office and something had gone wrong. So everybody who's getting an earfull, you know, it was like a very tense meeting.

All the things he could have dangling from his pants. He wished it was underwear.

It was just a little paper that said, this is your pet peeve. I've not given it any regard. I love her, though, I'm truly her that I didn't mean that as a shitting on her.

She cared, Wow, yeah, no, that's what I gathered from it. I'm going to see if Bonnie Hunt Show is on Hulu or Netflix servant Like a lot of things are hidden from the menu, you have to type it in if.

Anyone from Hulu's listening. I've recently because of the TV show The Great, which, if you haven't seen it, the one about Catherine the Great that has Dakota Fanning's little sister in it, Ohanning.

Sure, and doesn't that have the grown up boy from About a Boy.

Yeah, Nicholas Halt, I think his name is. It's so good. It's such a good show. It's a period piece, so it's amazing to look at whatever. But I hadn't really ever done a lot with Hulu before that, and the interface on Hulu is infuriating. Yeah, it really is, Like I don't understand why it's so bad.

Yeah, it's hard to find anything. It's just like, hey, here's our suggestions. You want to look for something, here's it. Yeah, and here's our keyboard. It's real fucked up, like it's really hard to type things into it. Yeah. Hulu is uh and you got to watch commercials even if you're paying.

Yeah, well no, I'm on a level where I don't have any commercials.

Oh you got Hulu Live, Hulu Rich, Hulu Max.

But I was watching hunder Bee, which is a hilarious British Have you watched that? It's like a fake British the old seventies BBC series, but it's like it's Julia Davis, who's that woman from God. She's so fucking funny. She's had her own show.

You dropped your Stress Mattress.

I threw my stress Mattress on the ground. Hunder Bee watch it. But they Hunger be like hunder d e r ok. And it's like it's like a British period piece of like a girl that washes up on shore and then joins this rich family and it's so funny. Julia Davis plays the crazy maid. It's really good and it's crazy, like dirty and inappropriate, and there's really weird shit in it and it's so and it's like, but it's everyone's talking like it's an old school period piece British BBC show. It's so good.

I've been I put my special on. It's out and it's on Vimeo on demand and a lot of do you need to ride? People have been watching it and sending me messages and it makes I feel great.

That's amazing, So.

Thank you to people who've been watching it. The end.

We gave it a shout out during our last episode, but we didn't say what what website it was, yeah, because.

You wouldn't know. Yeah that we're gnarly thing. It's hard to remember. But people if you google, I mean, if you just Chris Fairbanks special, it's like the second thing that shows up. So if they really want to see.

It, and I think we put the link in, the link was on the website.

Great, thanks for doing that. Yeah, of course, yeah, we believe we have the sweet Thank you. It's just the sweet people I've always like when I was opening for Daniel Tosh or the times I've opened for Doug Stanhope or you know, these are people I admire there that they have this audience and they're great comics. But it's usually like the people that go to comedy shows are

But look, I think everyone loves a dick joke as long as it's kind of justified, like you're not. Georgia actually mentioned the parents walking in on you masturbating as one of her favorites. It's not a standard. You're playing with the It's not just playground comedy, right some like some people seem to need to do. Yeah, you're doing other things.

It's smart playground comedy. That's what I'm shooting for.

You're the nerd section of the playground.

Yeah.

So the book where the book types are making dirty jokes, and that's.

I'm with those kids, making them laugh, pretending. I also read look at my bookshelf. Haven't cracked one of them in a year.

I mean, it's but it's also nice because comedy is a very hostile environment. Usually for women. Seventy percent of the time you're going to check on, like click into something, and whether the comic is a man or woman, you're going to get some shitty Hey, ladies, you only care about shopping or whatever. And so it is nice to be able to point to people toward comics who are like, you're going to like this, You're going to be happy that you participated.

It's funny you bring that up, because I felt like there's you know, when we were originally going to put this thing out, it was during George Floyd's memorial, and it just wasn't the right time to be promoting a thing. And then right and then all these growing numbers of women are talking about terrible male comics that are sexually

Yes, you've been waiting a long time to.

Release it, and yeah, yeah, it's it's it's it's time.

It's a more nuanced conversation. But but I think that everybody what I really like about that, this whole movement that is, you know, it's completely just got underway and is now going. That's first of all, that's the cool thing.

And I see it tapering off a little bit, but I have been impressed with how it's still going and people are still talking about it and it's still important to everyone, and it's been really really cool, and all the more reasons I feel weird. Oh, speaking of my special there is a scene. There is a moment where we did try and do me backing into a bush because I right, yes, yeah, yeah, and it didn't. It isn't in the beginning, but it's in the outtakes. At

So but anyway, but that's just one of the many easter eggs that you'll find when you watch Chris.

Fairbanks Rescue Cactus.

Rescue Cactus. Can you just say what the other name.

Was going to be? It was to be called cat Dix.

No, the other one. You had a couple that had made it to.

The Oh yeah, yeah, bad timing.

But I loved bad Timing because it really turned out to be bad timing, right.

Yes, I just got overwhelmed with the idea that people would think I was saying I have bad comedic timing. You should watch my comedy.

Yes, but then your lower expectations. Then everyone likes it no matter what. Yes, I mean, Look, I tried to argue this already.

I know I like that. I like bad timing too. I you know, I don't know if I picked the best title. But it's just a title. It's just work.

It doesn't matter.

I wanted it to be a standout collection of two words, and I thought maybe bad timing would be like self deprecating, we get it, or if I called it not funny or yes, I'm not very I'm not very bad special insight wink, wink. Maybe you won't like it. I didn't want to play that game.

That is kind of lame. I totally agree. And also, you know, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter. It's like, if it's a restaurant that serves the best and most beautiful food, it doesn't matter how this sign is painted. And so basically, when you get into the Chris Fairbanks Special, if Rescue Cactus gets you there, or just the amazing artwork. I haven't seen this, when you get in there, you will have a full seven course meal of wonderful comedy and experiences.

Thank you, Cared. Yeah, it's true. I like comparing it to food conversations.

I like, you know, I'm a snob. You know, comedy means the world to me. I wouldn't be friends with you or do a podcast with you if you weren't the funniest person.

Oh, thank you, you really are.

So I think people can they know, they know after all this time with this podcast, exactly what you can do and how you do it, and that's why they show up you come to their town.

It's yeah, and I will say it again, I love it. We have the best fans. Really, that's the last I'll say.

Of it, we have the best fans who support. They're like they like to support. It's like whether you're doing stand up. It's like we used to have big groups of people that would come to that improv show. Me and April hosted that show and we would make Chris headline every time because it was one less person we had to book every show. But yeah, we had a great and they were in the beginning. They were clearly

I've kind of gotten used to it. I just look out and I see it that they're all listening and they're happy. But yeah, they're politely. They don't want to get reprimanded at work. Still, Yeah, they'll tret a comedy blob exactly.

They've been They've trained themselves to basically while they're doing their data processing job, not get in trouble and pretend that they're focusing. So totally, but it's great. It's like there's nothing more exciting. And I mean we've talked about this before, but it's like it us when when my fervorit Murder went on the road and we had like

Yeah.

Yeah, live shows are the for comics. That's the real drug. Like that's the good stuff.

And I haven't had it for a while and it's hard, it's it's not replaceable, but I'm just looking forward to when I have it again. But yes, that's the point. I didn't mean to talk shit about Doug Stanhope's crowd

Yeah, you're kind of in your box or whatever. So it's like people the idea that people would be your fans from this show where you get to highlight your like best part of your personality, not even the most presentational stage you know, seven minute set personality, but your real personality.

Yeah yeah, yeah. They come to shows and then after the show they want to talk about dollhouses. They don't want to give me tequila. It's great, it's going to save my life.

It is going to say, should we do take some questions? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, another.

Do act any ready?

Oh sorry, no, no, I mean I have that doc from last time. There's still plenty of questions.

Yeah, like you saving it to the end.

Because that's like our that's our act too. First act one is catch up COVID Milton Martine.

Yeah, we talked about Milton.

Milton has to get mentioned. And then yes, let's naturally transition into act two and then we talk about our dreams for a while. Old bars let me boom. Here we are act to Q and it season two act too.

This person mad for sharks asked, would you rather have finger sized legs or leg sized fingers?

Discuss? Oh god, those are those are in a dead heat for horrifying. Oh my god. I think finger sized legs and I would just cover them up with a blanket because leg sized fingers.

Yes, I think legs size unless.

You're playing that game where it's a folded up piece of paper and it's a football that I mean, you would be amazing at that.

I feel like in these times of COVID nineteen. Leg sized fingers enable you to keep social distancing while at the same time poking, prodding, tickling.

So gross, wait, so gross, But I think you're doing the more I've thought about it, you and I both were just thinking of two fingers, because there's two legs on a human. It's all your fingers. So you're suddenly a spider. Well, imagine running with ten legs. Now your arms are just down and you're sprinting down the road like a like a millipede.

You know, I don't like any of this, And I what's the name of the person that asked that question?

They were mad for sharks? Yeah, mad for sharks.

It sounds like you're fucking mad for sharks. Yeah you lunatic? Yeah, that wasn't really that wasn't a good slamp.

You know what lunatic is? There is Elaine Bennis or Julia Luis Dreyfus, whether or not you want to live in reality went on that episode where someone bumped into her and she's like, yeah, lunatic. It made me laugh so hard. I hadn't heard that word lunatic until that episode of Seinfeld. She is the best.

She is one of the most unsung like she should be up there with Seinfeld when people think about comedy. I guess she would be now because of Veep. But yeah, yeah, she has been bringing it since the worst season of SNL.

Yes that she was on.

She has been bringing it so hardcore. And did you ever see when she was on mean tweets on Kimmel and someone said, oh my god, it's so fucking funny no or talking shit about her, and she's reading it and kind of laughing, and then it gets to this point and she does this laugh that like it made me love her so much. You just know she's a cool person to hang out with. Like the way she laughed at this slam on her her and Seinfeld and like it was some random slam and she thought it

Oh that's great. Yeah, I she also just reminds me and my sister Lisa, and so yeah, I feel like I sort of know her, but I don't. I don't know. I don't know. I call her Elaine Bennets for God's sake.

I know she's the shit. Okay. Also, I actually cancel my answer to that first question because I don't want ten leg sized fingers on both hands.

I think I do. It's you're horrifying and you wouldn't have a normal interaction with a person or a sex life or anything. But I'd like the idea of just sprinting down the road on my hands.

It would like your shoulders and upper arm muscles would become gigantic, yeah, having to deal with them.

Sure it would be bad for your joints and things like that, But I just.

I don't like this reality that Mad for Sharks has put us into. I'm really mad at mad person.

That's what he wanted. He just wanted to spark a dialogue. And look, we're talking about it, so that makes it art.

You must be okay?

Moving on at sam du thirteen. Any reoccurring dreams?

I yes, do you mind if I go first? This isn't but I this.

Do you mind if I go first?

Do you mind? Because something sprang to mind and I like to talk first. I used to have a reoccurring dream that has to be based I think it's based on me having convulsions as a baby. But I had this reoccurring dream where I am in a crib and the walls are closing in on me and I'm getting smaller, but the room is getting bigger and bigger. And it was affecting audio. I could hear background noises and this is going to sound crazy, but it started to happen

I wonder if you had something in your ear like that, there was basically something affecting your inner ear.

I remember a lot of talk of ear infections. I would they would put drops in there all the way up to having a childhood counselor talk about my feelings. His name, we've talked about that this. His name was Richard come Kumm. His name was Dick Com. But he would yes, yes, very much, yes.

Nice, I promised everyone that kind of comic and here you are.

It is when it's hidden in a true story. It's okay to say someone's name is Dick Com. It just is.

And miild psychologists too.

Yeah, yeah, yes, exactly. So everyone that he was seeing was snickering. Uh anyway, Uh. It gradually went away, but it was a reoccurring crib dream. I's so bizarre and I still sometimes have it. And I think it's just about anxiety.

That makes sense because the walls closing in would definitely indicate.

It, and me being in a crib obviously was an early memory based thing.

I would hope. So, yes, yes, please assure me that that the crib stuff.

Is when I say I got a new bed, or that I got myself an adult crib. It's the sole world. And I also wear diapers. We're a small group, but we're a strong group.

I swear to God. My friend Laura, who was from the story where I talked about drinking and watching the malbu whatdsides, Laura Milligan got bless her soul. I miss her. She used to be she moved back to the Bay Area, but h okay. She when we would go drinking in the nineties and come home at two in the morning,

Yeah, because the diaper, I mean, not to get gross, but they actually act like babies and utilize said diaper.

Correct, Yes, someone puts a diaper on them.

And and they get changed. They get changed by a dominatrix or something.

Or nanny someone.

It's some cross someone in a leather nanny outfit like imagine fran dresser, but instead of mosquito plaid.

Imagine missus doubtfire in leather.

And now let us apologize for your imagining.

That there's no one's ever going to come see us live again.

That is like a background party video. My friends and I would that if you're hanging out just in the background men and diapers.

Yeah, it's it's funny to some people. For me, I was like, I didn't realize. I was like, oh, I know about S and M because of like some dumb random movie I've seen, But I didn't realize that all the side rooms of in that, you know, in the fetishism world that I it was a difficult way to learn. Yeah, and a very explicit, uh specific I'll never forget those men's faces anyway. My my recurring dream, I would say, and I think I've talked about this before, probably on

And that's what deja vu is.

No, it's different than deja vu because you know it's from a dream. It's not oh that I just thought this happened one second ago. It's literally the very benign, plain old, regular life. But in a dream dream, it sticks in your mind for some reason, and then all of a sudden you're like, oh, that's weird. I went back to my high school because Nora now goes here and we're standing in this thing and then I turn and there's a horse standing there. Oh.

Literally, literally the thing happens, yes, because I think I don't know that my background noise amplified thing necessarily was happening in the crib thing. I think both were just examples of me being stressed out. Yeah, and so I made them about each But you're literally saying you had a dream about a horse and then later in life it's like, wait a minute, I've been here, there's going to be a horse, and then there was a horse.

Yes, I've had not just that one dream. I've had that. That's how I've marked stages of my life where i know I'm on the right track. So I will have a dream that sticks in my head, it's very plain. I'll be like, that's weird, I'll think about it, it'll keep coming up. I'll keep like somehow being reminded of it, and then say, like, six months in the future, I'm

Is it ever? Has it ever been a dream where it's like about achieving something or something positive happening, and then you, oh, wow.

That's honestly how I came up with the theory that it was Basically I started thinking of it as like road markers in the way, like the life I wanted to achieve that if this, like when the dream happens, then I'm like, okay, so this is what I should be doing. This is I mean, I'm on the right track.

Wow. Yeah, that's amazing. There was a many years where I felt like I didn't dream, or I know dreams are happening, but the minute I wake up, I try and remember them and it's gone. So I wasn't remembering dreams. But I have been lately remembering them and trying to write, and that feels better. It feels like a wasted life. If you don't remember your dreams, that's like half your life not being recorded. Where is it? So?

Much like there was a recurring dream I had where it was one long, really long highway. There was just two lanes, and the dream starts from the top of one hill going down toward a mountain or mountain range, and I can see the highway the whole way to the mountain range, and then up ahead there's a place you can pull off that's like a strip mall. And I've been to that strip mall probably ten times, and every time I go with, something different happens where I'm

Let's go into jj CPS here.

The first name in fashion.

Yes, wow, that's a yeah. Dreams are important. A lot of people put emphasis or importance on dreams my whole life, and I've always blown it off because I felt a little confronted by the fact I didn't remember my dreams. But I have been lately, and it's a good thing. I don't have nightmares anymore.

I yeah, that's good.

Those are a thing of the past. It seems I.

Had the last time I had a nightmare. It wasn't because I almost have never had nightmares except for a couple really specific and they were like this one night where I had one time, and I know it's so boring to actually talk about dreams, but I had a dream that some there was a killer being chased right behind my parents' house, because my parents behind their house is just kind of like kind of big rolling hills, and it was like searchlights, police dogs, ah blah blah blah,

Okay, now, is that not about your the Terror Tales of Terror or whatever? The knife Lady with the voodoo doll.

Oh yeah, yeah, the Trilogy of Terror. Yeah, yeah, probably that's probably where the visuals from.

The teeth the uhil the little nubs of teeth. Jacob's Ladder too, there's a there's a flash of some teeth in that. There's nothing scarier than little tiny teeth nibblets. That's why I was apprehensive to watch the movie Coneheads, because that's their little teeth.

It's tour scary but yes, very scary, but also just that kind of thing where when I woke up, I was like, because it was then I realized, oh, I'm with an eighty five year old man, Like, no one's going to be able to fight this guy off somehow, and he clearly looked like a demon. It was like not normal crime. Yeah, it was amazing because yeah, so.

One thing my dad and I have in common is we will both have dreams where we are not in it, no one recognized. Occasionally, someone's face for a second will become someone you know, and then they turn to someone else. But usually it's dreams like a boring movie and you're just watching these actors that you've made up in your head.

But I think it's good right that there's nothing in your subconscious that's being worked out that's really a because I used to have a recurring dream of driving in a big Bronco with big huge wheels, like a high up kind of like jacked up car and driving downhill and like laughing and then turning and looking and no one was driving, no one was in the driver's seats, and.

That's awesome dream.

That's like, that's what every rushing downhill. So then I was like, yeah, things, I'm sure that's before I stopped driving.

Was that a reoccurring dream of unmanned monster truck?

Yes, going down hill and then having to like realize it, almost have a heart attack, then try to get into the driver's seat and put the brakes on. And of course many many times where I had dreams where you're you're pushing on the brakes and pulling the store.

Oh sure, sure, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's maybe what that dream is based in. That's a reoccurring dream for other people. Might be might be a little bit the breaks become the gas classic dream. Maybe should we do one more question?

Or yeah, yeah, that's perfect for the record, I only have nightmares, so I don't know what that says.

Really.

Yeah, I mostly have, like I have a lot of sleep paralysis sometimes too.

That's tough.

Well, thank god I never was a walker. I had friends. I had a friend. I was sharing an attic with a friend. I don't know. The rent was cheap. But one night I looked up and he he thought he was going to the bathroom. I think a lot of drunk people do this. He thought he was going to the bathroom, and I was watching him. I'm like, what are you doing. He's like going to the bathroom, And then he stopped in front of a pile of clothes that he just washed his own clothes, and he peed

Uh, Kevin, You're not alone. I had a boyfriend that one time we went to a wedding. Everyone got insanely shit faced, but me because it was after I stopped drinking, and this guy that I was dating at the time,

My favorite thing about people that these pea walkers will call him is that is that when you call them out, they're still sort of awake. Yeah, and they they're in their dream world, so they're in their mind. You're just going stop it, you're going in a drawer, but they're like, no, I'm not, I'm I'm in front of him. Imagine toilet. Quit slapping me.

Yeah, they're totally in a bathroom. That suddenly then another person is in the bathroom with them slapping them.

Oh god, this just makes me want to get drunk. That's great.

I miss whiskey so much. I miss whiskey, like the best boyfriend that broke up with me. It was the best boyfriend and it did break up with me. Whiskey. Damn it.

All right, So this question is from ken Zalila. She said, are you Kenzala?

Yeah?

Are you a corner to corner or a straight down the middle sandwich person?

Oh? I wow, Karen, you want to take this?

I will thank you. Chris. I I made a bunch of when I was staying with my sister just this last month.

She's like, you know, a lot of people, by the way, not to interrupt, but a lot of people thought it was really funny when she was slamming cupboards in the like your color and like maybe didn't even know you were recording. She's just looking for something that was a big hit. Everyone was walking around the kitchen. Yeah that was.

And she also was like, do not put me on that bunch.

Oh I know, yeah, we know better memory. She came in on speakerphone. Yes, that one that did not end with a conversation. She is.

It's the strangest thing in the world. How not interested in performing in any way she is when it's all I want to do twenty Yeah, yeah, it's very strange. We're complete opposites. But at her house, like she's their big sandwich family, so like making sandwiches is like basically what you did every day for lunch. So I got

That's for grilled cheese. Yes, good corner to corner is grilled cheese. You know, it's consistent, it's the same shit throughout. It's kind of fun to start with that acute angle, the sharp and just stick it in like a food knife. But if you're if it's a sandwich that has oh my mouth is watering.

I know mine too.

If it has like you know, cucumbers and then cheese and then meat and it's all stacked, yeah, you want to hit that as a surface, a not and get everything all at once. So it's it's hard to get that in a corner.

Yeah, you can't. And also the corner gives you too much crust at once. Sure it's whereas when you do straight down the middle, you're going right into the interior guts and the crust is much more parenthetical.

Then.

Yeah, if you the corners, you have to I guess that's not true. You still have the middle part.

But well, yeah, but you know a tunameld or you know something where it's a substance on it, or like when my mom made me cat food sandwiches, you know what's going to be there, and you might as well just eat the cord. If it's a bunch of ingredients, it has to be down the middle.

Yeah, it has to be down the middle. And also I think what I like is either ideally for me, it's a turkey sandwich that's on some kind of a bag get. So that's a different thing altogether kind of because what it doesn't matter how you slice it, you're still there's so much crust and bread is such a big element.

Right and you're still pulling it from a basket on a bicycle.

And my beret is still everything's working. But when I have to use soft bread for a turkey sandwich, it's too flappy. If you go diague, you have to go down the middle and hold everything together.

I hate flappy bread.

That your nickname?

It's cool? Yeah, yeah, yeah, god, thank yeah they called me flappy white bread. Thank god that didn't catch on. Also, I'd like to thank everyone for calling me CJ and goosnack lately. That's really it's It means a lot to me, and let's keep it going. Have you met these adults that can't have they have to have their crust cut off and they're forty years old. No, those people are walking around wearing suits and going to work and paying bills. He thanks, This is the same thing. I have it.

Yes, let's wrap it down.

Let's wrap it down. Let's wrap it up. Let's ship it off and make sure it's not late and keep it loose like the goose you've been listening to. Do you need a ride? D y n A? Are I leave?

Then?

You want to way back? You? Do?

You want to be there?

Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim. Give us time and a terminol and gay.

We want to send you off in style.

We want to welcome you back home.

Tell us all about every scared he was it fine, Melbourne. Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need.

With Karen and Kress mhmm