S2 - Ep. 38 - Chris and Karen

Are you leave in I you wanna way back home?

Either way, we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a terminol and gay a.

We want to send you off InStyle. We want to welcome you back home. Tell us all about it.

We scared her? Was it fine? Now?

Porn?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need with?

Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need a ride? This is Chris Fairbank.

This is Karen Kilgareth.

We are doing this from our houses because we're responsible. Although I did get some new masks. Look at that Chris reversible.

I had that shirt in eighth grade.

Yeah, there's a lot of plaid.

Is it felt kind of flannel?

Because yeah, it's warm. The two layers. This one's more of a cotton with some flannel. Okay, But then this one, this guy I ordered this one. It's got little pockets for carbon filters. It looks like.

Boys underpants for all the listeners boys underpants mask.

Yeah, yeah, they look exactly like fancy underpants. It's good to open a podcast with a show and tell. Yeah, visual objects.

We are of visuals based listening only podcast.

It's great. You know why. I thought, just because I'm looking at you, which isn't our standard, no means of recording that I could just start showing things.

Should we record poor podcasts?

Should we record like this where we both turn to our left so that we're out about it?

I really it, oddly, I'm not even kidding. Feels more comfortable with me doing this.

Yeah, well it's easier to listen.

Oh. I like how your hand is an invisible steering wheel.

I'm my one hand is at eleven, but my other hand's holding a diet coke, so I can't put it at too right now.

But normally we should the product, the product placement.

Yeah.

Oh, I've been paid three million dollars to hold this can of coke during this podcast.

You keep getting side sponsors for millions.

I'm so sorry. I'm going to cut you in for seventy dollars.

No, I have my own. I've been Blank's spray bottle.

They get they all right, Chris.

Just picked up the closest object, all right. I don't have any side sponsors? Can I have been doing cameos.

Yes, tell us about it, but its fun.

Wait before you go into that story, we are just back up a little bit so that we can get a visual on the hair and a hair check in, because it's been two weeks.

And it is I've tamed it a bit because I have a hair mask, but it is, uh, it's getting out of control.

It's guys listening at home. It looks like Chris has piled up some it.

Like sheep. It looks like you shaved a.

Black sheep and then took his shavings and led them to your head in a pile.

Yeah, it really looks like Yes, my friend was really proud of his hair and he thought he'd sell it to a wig maker, and he put it in his hiplock bag and kept it for you. And then one day we were all drinking at his house and he pulled it out and we put his hair on our heads and it was red curly hair, just like.

This, but you could mold it.

And we all were wearing we couldn't stop laughing, and we all had bright red curly hair, yeah, and beards like you just stick it to your face.

Wherever you want.

You're like that magnetic guy where you can drag the magnet things all over and give him hair and a mustache whatever you want.

Yeah, yeah, it's really a form of sculpting. But uh yeah, yeah, it's it's out of control.

But why not.

I was gonna shave it the other day just bald, because why not that too?

No?

Wait, but can you pull it out to show us how the biggest it could be?

Oh? I mean yeah, yet, like if.

I pick it out, if you do a pick there or some kind of a I don't.

Have a pick.

You know.

The only pick I have is my bag of plastic and it was dissected from a fish. If you remember this is uh Chris, it looks like he's wearing a wig. It looks like you're at a party. We why the wig bit works so well when I first started comedy, Yes, because when I went to pull this one off, it was my real hair that's enjoyable, well really nice. It's it's just getting warm and I kind of want to shave it off. Either that or get insulation in my apartment.

You're going to just your apartment.

I'm already hot. Yeah, and it's we haven't even seen the peak of summer heat.

Right, But what's wrong with them? Like getting kind of a free standing air conditioner type of thing.

I have one. I have one.

It's right, I'm looking at it. It was a nice one.

It rated well. I have it on seventy degrees and it will air condition my house up to my nose. Like I was doing chin ups the other day with the air kun. I did five of them, but hey, that's five more than zero. Yeah, baby steps, baby chin ups. Yeah, they were a little baby But it's cool down here. Lift up total extreme heat the top the like heat hot air of course does rise. We know that it is very drastic in my apartment, Okay. And it's like

Because I think it would be. Well, it's do you have individual addicts? Like when you're saying shot up there, what do you mean?

Yeah, there's like a little gable in my roof and it's a tiny window and you can just stick a hose up there and maybe it would feed into other parts to the building, but mine is kind of a free standing part. Like my whole building is shaped like a ue or a shoe horse, except square angles, so not a shoe horse.

But also what's a shoe horse? A shoe horse, a horseshoe, A horseshoe. Oh my god, that's the heat. That's the heat talking to this room.

That's the hair talking. Yeah, makes me do word switcherots. A shoe horse, it's a sea creature that you put on the bottom of a horse. Oh that's scary.

Horseshoes shape, yes, but I yeah, I could do it.

But I watched this Forensic Files where the mom was accused of murdering her two little kids who died in a fire. And then finally because they had arson investigators look at it and they're like, oh, this is an arson, this is where the fire started. They put her in prison, and then an actual fire investigator found out that the insulation.

Was had some there was a leak in the ceiling.

The insulation got rinsed of all of its fire retardant coating.

It.

And then they showed the wiring and it touched these wires.

It's exactly what I have, just these aluminum wires with fabric insulation that have crumbled off.

That are from literally from nineteen twenty five.

Yeah, and that's why my oven turns off. I'll bake something for ten minutes, the whole oven turns off. The wiring is just like huh uh, yeah, so maybe it would be a fire hazard for me to shoot a bunch of stuffing up into my shoe horse.

Also, it's because the quarantine and the pandemic. I bet you the people that own that building, the last thing they're worried about is getting some nice insulation for one guy, because they're probably like, do we have to leave town because no one's going to be able to pay rent or whatever?

Right, I who knows if the other tenants are even paying, because I don't think they have to.

I hope you mean for your insulation or rent for.

Rent in general. Like they're probably seeing less income as is, so they're not about to splurge on my ass.

No.

Yeah, although about this time last year they did have some men come in and look at the place. Like appraising. I think it was for wiring and insulation, and I'm like, amen, that never happened.

Maybe let's get you down off that chin up bar and let's get you doing some low squats and things that get you closer to the cold, cold ground.

What about that for your workouts. It sounds like you're making a joke, but that's exactly what I've been doing a lot of sit ups, push ups and then kettlebell tiny squats, which you know I can do all that under four feet. Yes, that's right.

I would like a brag right now. It's not the coolest thing to talk about. But my poolman came yesterday. I mean, this is only for the one percent that listens to our party.

A pool man or pool boy.

Well, uh, he's he referred to himself as a pool man, but I in my mind call him the pool boy because he's young and cute and I think, oh, yeah, he's great and he has when when I bought the house, the pool man who was here before was a guy that clearly has done it like all his life and has a business. And then like three months ago he came to me and said, I'm retiring, and so this guy's taking over.

And I was like, sounds great.

So he then Thomas came over.

Literally he is like he's a surfer and he has these cool tattoos and he's like super nice.

So the first time it was his and you just have windows to look at him, do you look at him?

Oh? Yeah, So I thought you were gonna say, like to do like shows for him, like, oh, I didn't realize I was wearing my classiest lingerie. But I will say that the first time, the first time it was him by himself was the first week of the quarantine, and it was when it was very mysterious and like very very scary, and so I had all that liquor

And he's like, I know it wasn't your goal or anything to get him drunk, but I think that was a good idea. Okay, go on, I mean, here's the thing.

I didn't think about that until I was walking away, so I put it down on like that table out there. I was like, yeah, you have fun and just relax and we're all stressed, so take some stress or whatever. And he's like, yeah, thanks so much, Karen. And then as I'm.

Walking in the house, I'm I've gotta like almost like.

The camera of life turned around and showed me myself where I'm like, oh my god, what a disgusting cougar I am where I'm.

Like, hey, hey, Junior, Hey you want to drink?

Like I was like, oh my god, get in the house and shut the door as soon as you can.

I was, I'm school from high school. You can't tell beer.

Hey there's a I know you're just a poolman, but do you want to come? There's some stuff in my back bathroom.

I want you to see.

Like it it felt bad you. Your delivery did not suggest that. I bet you're like, Hey, the world's ending. Do you want some whiskey? Yeah that's not a saltree, but I will. Can I get a doctress?

What about me?

Is?

But then last week when he came, this week, when he came, sorry I caught Frank out of the corner my eye and his tail was wagging or I'm like, do you like that story?

What's up? But he came this week and.

As he was walking up the steps, I ran out, basically because I wanted I was like, can you please turn my pool heater on finally so I can start swimming again. But I went out to talk to him and he was coming up the steps taking his air pods out of his ears, and.

He goes, I was just listening to you on Spotify have a really good voice.

And then I was like what It was so hilarious and cute, like he's just a lovely you know, that surfer vibe of like, hey man, everything's chill all the time. It's my favorite personality type and it's this guy one hundred percent.

I mean, it's the personality type I wanted when I was a nervous, over anxious Montana kid that knew I was born in California. I'm like, one day I'm going to be a blonde, straight haired surfer pool boy, and it just never happened. I don't have the right personality for it. It's not like a personality thing.

It is, well, it is that kind of thing where and it's and it is skateeboarders too.

I mean, I'm sure you know tons of people like that, but it's that thing we're like when someone's yelled. I saw a teenage boy do this once when I was also a very anxious, angry kind of high, just like all of the world baffled me kind of and it created so much tension where it's just like, the fuck is going on all the time, and this skateboarder some somebody like tried to start yelling at him and he was like, dude, I know, man, And I was just like, how do you do that?

How do you agree with the person attacking you.

And like oh, it's the best and make it go away so ahead of its time. Yes, I keep telling myself I'm going to start doing that rather than fighting back, just go oh, I know I can be the worst. Yes, I'm super not super sarcastic, just agree fully, earnestly right. But that's not like I know I Oh, I did it the other day. There's a new skate I've been skateboarding with other forty year old friends. We keep our distance, we say it's really fun.

And mask what's at and you wear your mask, I do.

I do it gets hot and sweaty. I think a lot of people, just as a side note, are realizing they have bad breath and it is a bit of a wake up call to have it bouncing up your nose. So I think with these you mask purchases and people making them for us, the flossing and getting special breath and gum health watch, because I've gotten better, I've been really getting after my.

Talking about flossing is gross, but anyway, everyone do it.

Anyway. So we're skating, but we were next to a tennis court, which is the quietest sport ever, and a lady was like, oh, are you guys going to be doing that? And I'm like, I know it's loud. Tennis is so quiet and skateboarding is loud. And she's like, oh no, no, I love it. I love the sound of it. And I was hoping you'd stay and I didn't even know. I've never heard. It was such a reversal because I was like, I know, we're skateboard and

So was she also killer age? Do you think she might have been cougaring you? We're everywhere, Yeah, we're everywhere.

A handle of old old turkey, wild fashioned, wild fashioned, old turkey, wild fashion.

What if I put that handle down in front of him? And I was like, do three shots right now? Like everything about that move, which was.

Not in my mind to move. I was like, the world is ending? Do you want something to help you numb it out?

Like that was?

And then as I walked away, I was like, gross, gross.

Well you're not. I mean, it's funny because I I drink, you know that.

And sometimes I'm like, why am I out of boredom going down this bar at the bottom of my street because it's fun and there's social interaction and there's I'll run into people there.

Now that that's not on the table.

It's weird because I've noticed a lot of people on Instagram or whatever have been drinking through this thing because it's scary, yep, and they're bored.

Yes, and no, and there's no repercussions, Like you can get ship face in your house and you might trip and fall, but like no one will see you, you know.

Yeah, and the next day you don't have to wake up for anything. But then, oddly I've been more sober and healthy than I not healthy necessarily, but not drinking this whole time. Unless there's a zoom party or show where everyone has to be on and I can't summon it because I haven't been practicing with any kind of interaction. I have to like get drunk to do comedy into my computer.

Well, but that makes sense. I do not know how people are doing zoom comedy shows.

I so respect it.

I so admire that kind kind of like dedication.

But the idea that like you can't hear anybody laughing, there's no there's no audience audio, right, there's I did.

One the other night, the Blind Barber show, like Dave Andy Peters shows, and yeah, and he was so fun to watch. Hose sayun just kind of monitored. Sometimes people would get bombarded, but everyone was in the room or whatever.

Wait, sorry, because I don't I've not seen one of these shows. I just see the retweets or whatever about it. It's just what we're doing. But but there's not people. You can't see the people, can you if you scroll over?

No?

Really, I know I haven't done a lot of them that way, and I wouldn't suggest it for anyone doing any Zoom comedy shows. But at least you could hear laughter from like, yeah, I would tell a joke and fifteen people were laughing because they were also in on the call. And there's other ways to do it using this timing wise, and then they broadcast it using twitch or something, and then you can see comments and donations. I mean, I got one hundred and fifty bucks that

I'm just saying you're the British John Oliver. That's what I always say.

I've always said.

That or even out a show, but I uh, yeah it you have to just get used to the silence. David Spade is really good at it when he does his monologues. He just milks that awkwardness with some side comments. Yeah, and I like that more than with an audience. I've been enjoying a quiet no audience SNL. I've never watched Saturday Night Live, not for ten years, and I've been watching it now because I like the new zoom Yes Virgin. It shows how creative.

Yeah, it's so creative. Like I watched because I just watched the clips people retweet. It's almost like I let Twitter call the best ones and then retweet them and then I watched this.

It's a good way to do it.

Yeah, right, but what's up with that that from home? We're cutting to Fred Ormison with the very small sex of U.

I mean that was the green screen the green screen Adida's tracksuit.

I think that was Chris Carnell or whoever, Jason.

I thought it was Jason. What's his name?

Yes, today, that's right.

Uh.

Yeah, I've never really loved that sketch, and that was the first time I loved it.

It was so funny.

Also, DJ Collein was really funny the way he was like just sitting and waiting and irritated.

Yeah, it made me. I've been looking for a reason to like this guy. He's I don't know anything about him. To me, he's like Pitbull but a DJ, and I'm not that you know, I'm not a big DJ guy. Wait what, but I immediately liked him because of the way he was playing it. Yeah, he played it.

He's he is a natural actor. And Charles Barkley clearly is not all oh my.

God, Berkeley really stung stuck it up. Berkley is used.

To more of a His performance was circus level, where he was like the eye rolls were so huge, where it's like, are you playing.

To one thousand people right now? Because you really are right next to your own camera. It was hilarious.

Yeah, suddenly he was in the bright lights of a high school production.

Yes, it reminds me of one that used to make Kareem Abdul Jabbar do stuff on like variety shows, and he was nightmarishly terrible because I think he was a very intelligent person who had probably no interest in like doing comedy bits with Bob Hope or whatever shit they would make him do. And yeah, he was just as flat and kind of wild eyed, like oh shit, what's happening right now?

And he's joking me by sitting near him. Kareem map Dueldebar on an airplane, which was nice because he was in airplane the movie Yes, which he is kind of a grump, he's It was sweet seeing him and he is eight feet tall, still his human specimen, but he was and he was sitting in coach. We were all going to that Johnny Carson festival in like Northfolk, Illinois

He during World War two, they interned all these Japanese people because they suddenly even though they were Americans, Japanese Americans. A bunch of Japanese Americans got interned because just in case they were going to like turn coat for Japan, and so they were literally sent to prisons, prison camps.

That's insane, It's fucked. It's entire He was making it great back then, huh. I mean, you know the way I mean it. Hopefully our listeners do too.

You know what makes me laugh is and I love Andy Peters so much, and he asked me to do that same show, and he was.

Like, please do it.

Chris is doing it.

I love when people say that to me, Like if like, oh, well, then I'll do Oh that means I now have fifteen minutes of comedy to perform.

It's like, I mean, it depends on what it is. Because when someone asks if you will do a show, when they're asking me, I'm like, don't put me in that position. Of course I'm not. Basically it has to be the other way around. I'm realizing. But someone asked me to do are we doing some voice over time?

Yeah?

I'm excited about Yes.

See that'll be fun. Yes, that'll be Really it's a situation like that, you and I are so used to talking to each other. That's what I've always thought, speaking of Saturday Night Live, why wouldn't they just hire a sketch group that was already great together and have that be the cast. Why are they always picking from different groups and go with a group that actually performs well together.

I've always sounding like, you've never been to UCB and watched a Roten sketch where you're like, four of these six people should never be on a stage again.

Where two are you know, Kristin Wig level right.

But I've seen groups where clearly, whether or not they're all super talented, they are so good at working together that it works. Yeah, they know each other's strong suits, they know you know, it's like like the Birthday Boys or whoever.

You know.

There's a bunch of groups.

Growlings are like that because they work.

They have to work together for so long that by the time they're doing main stage shows at the Groundlings, it's I went to a Groundling show one time. My friend Joe was in it and he was so fortune Fimestro was also in his group there. It was such a good group and their sketches were totally hilarious. The characters were amazing. And actually Kristin Wig was at the show. I was at the They were there kind of scouting. Oh wow, first sur live. But this was like less than ten years ago.

Then like, yes, I would say, we might get some dog barks because someone's walking. Oh no, they're both asleep.

Oh we're going to hear a conference call. In a minute. I hear her logging on our walds aret.

Then I can't hear anything.

Okay, good, oh yeah, microphone.

Oh that's right technology. But anyway, it was just so impressive because and I think my friend Jordan Black was the director of that particular group of people, but clearly they have it down and have been doing it for so long, like Second City or whatever, where it's like they make the people work together, they group them particularly for their all their different qualities and stuff. I mean, good sketch is amazing when it.

I love it because there's so much bad sketch and especially improv. I when you see it and it's good, it blows my mind. Yeah, because I was involved with bad improv for you know, I was caused it so many times that I really appreciate it when it's good. So then my point is, why just hire one of those people when you see a group I don't.

Know, Well, let's ask him. Lorne Michaels, you're in the show right now.

You got here, he's in the room.

Why do you always have him over?

I want you, I want you to have a nice way to find out he's your pool boy just drunk. You're like, all, I ate this baby, Karen. You said he was young.

What do you what?

You're not making any Canadian are you.

Just a Canadian and espeedo and it's Lorne michaels very good. Yeah, I wondered if you you're Your old house, which was a normal house, had a normal pool, and it was cool that you had it, but I wouldn't get in it all the time if I had access to the cool looking pool you have now, I guess because the water goes all the way to the ledge. Yeah, yeah, that is that infinity or whatever.

No, I mean no, it still has a lip like an old fashioned pool, but it's just a beautifully designed like the guys that lived here before me had the best taste and so they just did everything exactly perfectly.

But that I think it's that like I didn't.

I actually didn't swim in that in my pool, So just so the bragging doesn't seem like it's so out of control like this second think it is. The second I had more pools. People have pools above ground below. But the second I had more than like eighty dollars in my bank account, I was like, I need a pool. Like this second I had enough money to buy a house, even though the neighborhood I was looking in my cousin's my real estate agent Pete Castro. If anyone in the

Yeah, yeah, I need I I on the World's Most Extraordinary Homes, our favorite show, our very favorite show. There was a pool. It was just a one lane that went around a house like a moat. And imagine that just waking up and swimming laps in a and it wouldn't be hard to make.

It's just a trough around your house. I want that so bad.

Wait, was that the one where it went the like the the lane of the pool kind of jutted out into a courtyard, but it was like a long like a capital eye of a pool.

Yes, that one. It was up in the air. Yes, that's the pool I'm talking about. Is on another show. Oh, I'm watching multiple how shows. I think I'm into houses.

Yeah, it's no, clearly because you can build and you are obviously interior design is a passion of yours I didn't know is a huge passion of yours.

On Tuesday, I'm doing a tour of my house, a video podcast thing. I'm very excited. I'm gonna get flowers and stuff. It's kind of like grips or whatever, but what it's grip as a fox. When I asked me, I haven't looked much into it. But when she said do you want to do this? I said, yes, I actually do. It'll give me a reason to make my place nice and clean. And then I've been getting the same link to this dollhouse that everyone's been sending me that you can and I measured it.

It'll fit perfectly on my bookshelf.

And it's got a library in it, kind of like the one someone made for my favorite Murder, that diorama you guys got.

Yeah, it's a smaller scale but it lights up.

It has little lights in it, and it's super tiny, like little beds and little furniture made of wood. You put it all together and sand it and paint it and it comes together as a giant kit. But it's got glass windows. It looks like, uh, a glass house. And I'm gonna put it right by my books. Oh, I'm so excited. Well, I finally am getting a dollhouse here. I know it's gonna say.

I love like the person you're explaining dollhouses to me, where it's like, yeah, this is as a girl, I know about it.

But I know when I say a bed or a couch, you're thinking of one in your house. But Karen, this is a dollhouse. It's a one sixteenth scale or one thirty second. But how do you get a bed into that. You're not understanding me. It's a toy for dolls, Karen. It's a shoe for horses. It's a it's a tiny shoe horse. It's do you know that.

When I was I feel like seven or six, maybe I said yeah. Around that year, my dad and my uncle Steve built us a dollhouse made of all the materials our house was built out of. So it was painted the color the outside of the house was painted our blue of our house. And then because my parents had just redone the kitchen, so the linoleum from our kitchen in our house was in the dollhouse's kitchen.

The dollhouse was built to the same dimensions.

Well, no, it was just a dollhouse, but all the three purposed pieces of carpet from our house in the dollhouse. Linoleum in the dollhouse painted the same color our house.

It was really cool. It was a great present.

I'm excited because I already have miniature stuff. I have a candelabra, I have these little bottles, I have a mic stand. People have been bringing things to shows and I'm like, what do I do with these miniatures? And now I'll have a little It's so good, it's so funny. How I'm so excited.

Have you ever watched the the I think it's an Instagram series or whatever. The tiny chef.

Oh yeah, and he kind of talks in Babbel but it kind of makes sense a little bit. And he's tiny and he's in he lives in the stump.

Of a tree.

You have to watch it.

I've seen a lot of miniature food being made and animated like stop motion. There's a woman that does it with wool, like yes, it's like spinning wool is the boiling water and it's all stop motion.

But but I don't know that. I've seen the guy in the tree. He's a key bler.

Then no, no, he's it's just a little guy that this woman made and made this whole world, and it started on Instagram and it was just kind of little. It was a tiny chef making a tiny thing. But then it started become like people started talking to him, you know, like it started getting really popular.

Yeah, yeah, you have to watch it.

We my niece Nora loves it so much, and my sister is obsessed with it. And apparently Georgia knew them because they were fans, like the woman who makes it is a fan of my favorite murder. And so when my sister and Nora visited, I think it was about a year ago, Georgia reached out for me and we got to tour their studio where they make it, and everything.

It's so good.

It is.

There's something about that it hypnotically for me, like Wallace and Grommet when I was a kid and realized that the little brick alleyways and cobblestone streets are just tiny sets. Yeah, and I already liked claymation and animation already, and I didn't realize that's where it comes from. I'm not like into dolls everyone. I was out there catching frogs and playing with a slingshot, just like all the other good American.

Boys and snails and puppy dog.

My sister handed me a doll once to play with it, and I popped its head off. That's how maskl and I was. But the houses don't get me started. I want to play him. I want to shrink down. I want to put a mouse in them. I want to watch.

Oh my god, that's what I was going to talk about.

Not to Shane. I know that that was all fun. I saw a dead rat. I don't know how the rat died. It was in the middle of a sidewalk. Then another rat was making a ruckus no, and he came out and he was dragging his dead buddy into the bushes from the street. Why is he doing that to what's that?

I said, screaming medic.

Yeah, or to give him a proper burial. I think he knew he was dead. He's like, no, one's going to lay in the street. But then I looked online. They eat each other. No, it's like a rats will eat other rats, not so that you know, vultures don't show up a primal level. Not so it's like, so they'd end up in a city. I guess right. They think the vultures coming no matter what. So they're like, time to eat my buddy. I don't usually eat fellow rats, but but they do. I have to go get them

It's that is kind of amazing.

And you're right, it's like it's it's self sacrifice because how upsetting. You're already witnessing your dead friend, and you're like, and now, for the good of the group, I have to eat him.

That's yea. I could hear him whimpering. I could hear there was disdain in it, for you know, hesitance.

Self loathing. I gotta do this, I have to do it for the good. I didn't watch him eat it good. I didn't watch it like some rat on bath salts. I just googled and apparently they got to get rid of the body.

That's awful and very pandemic. Y I had a I opened the back door. And have you ever seen a Jerusalem cricket? I think some people call them potato bugs, but they're just humongous, fat bodied, thin legged Steve. Both sound like racial Yes, they both sound very questionable.

Yeah, I don't think I have heard of Have you just huge crickets?

Yes, but they're but not you know, crickets are kind of sleek and slender, and you know, look like they could fly.

Away, like these things with little top hat and cane and they sing and of course they were in tuxedo pants.

But the Jerusalem crickets look like you It would be the worst thing to step on with a barefoot.

Yeah, you can you do it? Here we go, Oh yeah, the background sometimes Oh wow, wow, look at that. I don't think I like them. That's like got the ass of a june bus.

It's horrifying. Yes, it's like it looks like it's tarantula. It looks almost like a clear tarantula. But they're tiny, so it's not too No, no, no, this this one was like they're big. This one was like I would say as big as my pinky.

No, and that's not small. It was fucking sitting.

I opened the door so George could go out in the morning, and it was right on the track of the sliding glass door, like it was sitting there waiting to come in. And then I was like, so, I was like, George, frank eat that, Like I was trying to point to it. George walked away from it, and then it started hauling ass into the house.

Oh looks, look how big that is?

All.

I don't need that. I don't need a handsome that was on my doorize.

I had to take my EL decore and flick that thing out of the house because it ran inside. It was if you want to be gar, I don't know what that Oh the magazine? You know the magazine, Oh EL, the Core for Home Decors Home. Yes, yeah, I should be reading You know what?

Why do I have all these regular els you just swim swimwear, and I assume pages and pages of El McPherson when I could be looking at beautiful couches.

Oh the decur We're gonna get you. Wait, when is is your birthday?

In June February?

February fifth, did I say happy birthday to you.

I don't.

No one did. We're in the middle of a pandemic. No oh, Stephen.

This morning we had a staff meeting.

I was like, can we please put every single person's birthday in a calendar?

Because my sister does that for me.

She makes calendars. It's a way to give me photos of of uh my nieces, nephew. But it's also amminder, like at least text or call on their birthdays.

Yes, and I still because I don't look who looks at a paper calendar?

Yeah?

Or who goes into their home office I don't.

Or who cares about other people's birthday?

Not me?

It's it's I'm bad at that. I'm bad at names.

Uh, I'm I've been watching because I watched all the stuff that I google. That's good. I'm out of that, so I'm rewatching like True Detective and everything. I could start reading books, but maybe they'll seem more enticing once there's a dollhouse over there.

But I the first season A True Detective is so good and shows.

Those guys. I mean, I love it so much, but they just especially in the season after that with Colin mcfarrell.

Colin mcferrellbrow you did that on purpose.

I didn't. He's Irish Colin mcferrell, but he it is better than I remember. But they'll just say a name, like you. They'll say a name once and you're supposed to remember everyone by name. And there's fifty characters. I had to stop the movie and Wikipedia the cast members and see which dead guy they're referring to. But then, even though I did that, as soon as I had my bibliography or my glossary of names, I started to enjoy it more. But I'm so bad with names. Yeah,

Thank you.

I'm sorry that a word that your parents gave you is going to decide whether or not I care about you. I'm just saying I don't need to remember your name. I still love you, you.

Said February fifth, Right, Yeah.

Well all right, looking forward to my gift, and I have an idea, and this goes along with I think the thing where because it's just like how we're not the skateboarders that can go hey, yeah, cool man or whatever it is that thing of you, there's a I

Oh, oh, because we're such good friends.

Then you know that my mom's been dying and so I haven't been focusing on the old club we used to hang out.

At, like fuck you dude.

Yeah, But the idea of that, which is to say your art, did you really do that?

No? No, no no, I just kind of I felt very bad and bewildered, which I was supposed to, and then later on I was just like, what the I've had some stuff go on between nineteen ninety seven and like when I last saw.

You, But the idea is more stuff than you, because you're clearly a single child that didn't have an older sister to.

Train you to not be a dam fucking no one in your life ever was like no, no, no, be cool, don't do that actually be cool, because who kisses shit. It's like if someone doesn't remember you, either you go, oh we met it blah blah blah, and it's no big deal, or it's just no big deal. But any other option that you're feeling is invalid because clearly the person's already shown you that you're not a priority. So being an asshole isn't going to make you a priority.

Thank you, you're upset? Oh, let me knock you up.

A few Yeah, I better call you every Sunday.

You guilted me into it. No, I bet you're fun in a relationship for real? Fuck off? We should I should get into one with you because I can tell it to be so much fun. Then you kick him in the balls? Now, Chris, how is Tinder about that ball? How is it? Yeah?

You know, I get upset? How is how is Tinder lately?

How?

How's the online dating?

Oh?

God, no, I haven't. I was seeing someone for months and that it kind of ended, but I haven't gotten back on Oh okay, there, I haven't been on there for oh a year almost so because it's kind of odd, it's awful, right, it would be yeah, oh and it never it's fruitless. And there was twice a couple of years ago where I went and met someone and like, oh, this is friendly, but it's not going to happen goodbye, like handshake and why do it? Why would anyone do it?

But people keep and maybe this is I'm plucking this out of like a randomness, but people I've heard people talking about it where they're like, I'm talking to somebody on whatever, Tinder or whatever right now, where I'm like, God, that must be frustrating because also it would lead to stranger sexting, like that seems very risky.

And now that I've spent this time, whether it's healthy or not, I'm I've been enjoying being alone in all ways. And you know, they say use it or lose it. I guess I'm going to lose it. But I've been enjoying this in a weird way. It's not the people dying and everything. No, but no, it's not a bad thing. This has been good for me. I was sad at the beginning of the stay at home order. The girl I was seeing who I liked. Was like, this isn't working,

And then oddly it's I think I've already said this before.

I kind of it's been reassuring that I've been having fun with myself and I'm not talking about master.

Oh I'm sorry, I thought you're talking.

Why does everyone think I'm talking about that, I mean playing.

With dollhouse eggs?

Oh I thought playing with doll houses meant masturbating my mistake.

Oh sorry, Stephen, was that so loud that we peek?

I mean it'll be good for comedy, Okay, yeah, breaking it all. I was going to say really quickly, where I've noticed some people like if you're in a relationship, I feel like I feel like a lot of people right now are like am I in this or I'm not? And like if you're under six months, I got to imagine it's like, well, we're not going to just move in with each other or.

Yeah we are.

It's why people bought a bunch of toilet paper.

It's like, I yet to control this part of my life, and so I understand that that begetting of a pandemic. It sucks to all of a sudden be like, oh okay, I don't even have the option of only nothing but being alone.

Yeah.

Well, or the people that like you, you're saying like Stephen saying, Oh, Brandy Posey's here, hold on, hold on, let me text her really quick?

Hold on? Heh yeah, what if we had a guest for ten minutet the window?

Oh wait, I'm gonna I just have to give her some Lacroix I bought.

I bought her her favorite Lacroix while I was at the store, because when I get to the store, I feel.

Like we're all it's my last chance.

Is she a lady? She's key lime baby?

Hold on?

It's like, oh, key lime boring?

All right?

Did you give Brandy with Brandy Posey?

Everyone?

Brandy posy.

But I opened that door and George Marie went right out, ran right out to and I was like, what you never do stuff like that, and she ran out to see to see Brandy. She doesn't like people in mass Yeah, and then I almost shut the door behind me, and then realized I tried the door right right before it closed and it was locked, so I had to open it back up. Guys, a lot has happened in the

Yeah, so sad, I know it's it's uh yeah, so regardless, yeah, we're all it's I don't know. It's weird that everyone's going through it at the same time, so it's hard to get feel bad for yourself. It's like, no one's hugging anyone now. Box, that's right, Roy, right now, that's right.

But everybody has to hug lacroy boxes right now, and.

The people that have loved ones living with them, that love is being tested more than likely, it's true. So it's either you're alone, or you're for the first time ever not wanting to be around your kids, hiding in a bathroom.

Yeah, well probably not for the first time ever.

But that's what I was going to say, is that the people who would have strange situation because for a long time, the longest relationship I would ever have would be nine months long. And it like to be in that situation where you're it's clearly you are together and exclusive with each other, and then this thing happens where you're like, well, it's a lockdown.

So we basically have five days to decide should we.

Move in together for a question mark amount of time or should we not be together for a question mark amount of time.

That's fucked like a bunch of people had to make that call on the fly.

Yeah, I when she wanted to first start talking about it, I was upset, But you're right, it totally makes sense.

It is a I hate shit or get off the pot. That's a saying.

But right, yeah, yeah, I mean you have yeah or otherwise yeah, long distance mask driving, Yeah, there's no flying. That's the thing.

Is the other thing too. There was some something came up with the network or something. The other day and someone was having a freak out, and I was like, just real quick, everybody, it's a pandemic. No one expects this to be happening in any normal way. No one expects normalcy. No one's sitting there tapping their foot. And if they are, that's a person who has very unrealistic expectations about reality.

Yeah, because it doesn't work. Nothing is familiar anymore.

Or it's just changing.

Who knows. I mean yesterday and I just saw in Variety that Jordan Morris's Bubble podcast it's going to become a feature length animated movie, I think, or serial good, which is amazing. And just yesterday we did this but a zoom read of a script he wrote. It's really funny. He's so funny, it was he was, it's great. He obviously worked really hard on it, and the jokes are great.

But it was.

A zoom recording. Saw the actors. It's just like this, but we all read and someone was.

Doing the stage of the script or I guess you'd call it stage.

Direction, and then they're going to record that and pitch it to someone who's alone in the room, not wearing a suit, that isn't wearing a suit eat wearing sweatpants, and maybe I don't know how these things are going to get shot, but people are auditioning for commercials via zoom and then things are getting shot. What if in a year, we're just watching zoom and actors, Like someone was telling me, wrestling is still going on. There's just two guys and there's no one, no audio. You can

But they're still shooting soap operas, So like, how.

Do we do this one camera? We'll have him behind plexiglass, you two argue from a distance, and then we'll show some old footage of when we were all in can Pun.

They're doing like behind the scenes stuff.

It's so hilarious to me, but it's like, I guess the expectations for everyone are pretty low, so maybe it's kind of fun to just well, it's kind of yeah, we're doing whatever we want.

I love.

Yeah, soap operas are like, no, this is essential. We have to keep this storyline of this rich family going.

Oh can you imagine the people that watch that every day that stay at home, like retired folks or whoever, that are attached to those stories. If they just ended, they'd probably strangle their poodle.

Well, those are almost no.

Almost no soap operas had any kind of hits during the two thousand and eight writer strike. None of they all got around it and basically like figured out the way where they wouldn't be They figured out the like workaround to cross the picket line because and they had they all did.

They all did it. I don't.

I'm not sure they're like the producers the producers wrote instead of the writers or something, because most of them know.

You guys, you're mad about the twin brother, you're mad about the broken vase.

Riff it, talk about it, glad I.

Did that grounding the broken vase. Uh No, it's just weird. It's weird.

How like my sister and I were talking about this this morning. It's all about because they were talking. We know someone that works uh for the Giants baseball team, and they were talking about trying to figure out like how many how could they could go back if there was no no fans came and watched, but the baseball players could still play, so you could watch it on TV. And they're like, but how would you produce that in the truck? And my sister goes, why would you be

Multiple weathermen with cats or dogs.

But I don't think I saw that one.

It was just like I was watching it, going I love this one hundred times more than normal news. Ye, like I think everyone does, because everyone's just a person. We're all kind of getting into the like, I don't know, this is such an interesting when you when we're not talking about the death and we're not talking about the fucking systemic racism where so many more brown people are dying than white people.

And I know I every time I say I'm enjoying this, I want everyone to know that's predominantly what I'm thinking about.

Yes, it and it and it's hard not to think about.

That, but it's but it's we're trying to find a silver lining in this complete fucking shit show and horror show where our whole the fabric of reality has been ripped. Then at least we can go Hey, the good part is that we were a whole globe of people who were so obsessed with our fucking phones that we didn't give a shit who was in the room with us. And now all of a sudden, we're all sitting home going like I cannot wait to have a party. I can't wait to fucking have a party. It will be

Right right, Yeah, you just said it perfectly that the teachers that are that more quickly and creatively thought of ways to teach persevered, or however you said it perfectly. Rewind and hear what Karen said initially right right after baseball.

Let's describe our favorite restaurants to each other.

But I've been I've been getting Hello Fresh, and I picked the vegetarian option, and I'm so tired of garbonzo beeings that I finally went in and changed it to be cause you can just have chicken or whatever. I did it for a while, but no more garbonzo beans. Yeah, I've been doing these cooking videos and people seem to like them, but I it was just for lack of nothing else to do.

And I'm learning to cook. I'm cooking all my meals. I did not know how to cook.

Anything before, and you're teaching yourself. Fresh thing has taught me the bag and now I really enjoy it. And I think I'm eating healthier than before. When I ate out for everything, I mean ordered in.

I know for a fact I'm getting healthy simply by just eating things that are out of my refrigerator as opposed to Yeah, I mean the worst one is drive through because I was such a like just anytime I drove by McDonald's, it'd be like, don't do it, don't do it, fine, like it was my solution to everything, and like just for a month being like that's not worth it's not worth it. Yeah, I just know all these things are leaving my system that are like thank fucking.

God, totally. I'm sleeping better, I'm having dreams. I think a lot of that's from not drinking, and I am waking up earlier. Like things are getting better. But it's the least I should do is eat well. Since I'm not very active. I mean, I try and play with my rubber bands and do my five chin, but I'm not.

There's only so much exercise. We're all getting about ten steps a day.

I know.

Well, that's why the bad to the kitchen. So I was so excited that the pool.

I was in the pool for fifteen minutes before we before we started this, because I was like, I got to get in there because it's the perfect it's to me. It isn't exercising, and it totally is great cardio, but it doesn't.

Feel like the only way you can swim. There's no there's no way. I was swimming and I was loving it. But that was one of the first things that closed were gyms and yeah, that's good. I'm like, okay, great, what am I going to do? Jump rope? I bought a jump array, ordered a jump rope. It's very difficult, and I don't like how it feels to have my whole body jiggle. No, but I got yeah, I just gotta do that.

Yeah, and also rope in my house, indoor jump rope. That's you don't have downstairs neighbors, do.

You, Nope? Oh good? That would be this shoe horse it's just neighbors on this side and then neighbors on the other. There's a courtyard on each side of my building. I'm just one of the arms on the U shape, if that makes sense.

You're a seahorse arm, got you, yes, if it was Yeah.

There's uh, it's more of a tuning fork.

Imagine that. Huh. Yeah, that's the shape of the building, and you're the hand one of those forks.

Oh you're the fork.

Yeah. Yeah, and so yeah, no one under me, no one above me. Certainly no insulation. But I can jump rope to my heart's content.

Okay, well that's good. Yeah, yeah, well I think you know, as long as you have a plan and a jump rope. Yeah, you could also do jumping jacks if you need to jump so much.

So, but I maybe in the fifties. I just I'm not military enough to do jumping jacks. I'm watching videos, I'm doing different things. There's like stuff, there's so many twenty minute like it's like twenty minute exercise that's gonna suck. You have to do five chin ups and push ups and chin ups in it. But it's only twenty minutes. In my life. That's something I don't. When I go to the gym, I'm like, oh, what's this do? And then I sit down for a while. I'm not that

See, life is just better. I don't need to see.

People who judge you in your body.

Yeah, yeah, that's right.

It's more now. It's about everyone's personality these days.

But the minute that gets lifted, Please, let's both have parties. I mean I might have Like, I'm gonna longer everyone. I'm gonna hug everyone, the mailman. I'm just gonna hug everybody. I'm gonna be great.

Hug that pool boy.

You're gonna hug the pool boy. Get him drunk first.

Whoa big long cigarette? So do you swim or do you just clean bulls?

Or like?

Man, please step away from me, Please step away from me.

That's a big lung that like else you got, it's long.

Let's get long.

I'm made of aluminum.

Just came.

I would be terrible.

That would be bad for me.

Anyhow.

Wow, we've been going a long time, I know, and it's a lot to catch up on.

We really did and I thought it was. I thought we were like halfway done, and then I looked at and.

I'm like, oh, we're kind of over anything else, any any news, any.

Thing we should have covered. I guess not. Yeah, I don't have anything to plug. My My Specials almost done. We're going to put it on Amazon, and.

I like it.

I guess I would plug exactly Right podcast network, which is we are in our home network. And then we just added Bananas, which is a weird news a strange news podcast.

Oh cool, Kurt Browneller and Scotty Landis and it's all that's great, funny and great and and very like. It's just a relaxing listen of silly news stories that are true that you don't get to hear anymore because everything in the news is scary and awful.

Oh that's great that it's great on exactly right awesome.

I do too. He's so both of them are really funny, genuinely cool and chill. I'm gonna listen to it, and Stephen, thank you once again for holding down the engineering fort as you always do.

Of course you did you notice Christma.

At the beginning, Steven's background was a car.

He made it look like he was saying, Yeah, I did that last time too, did you I didn't, I didn't see it.

Yeah, it almost looks like you're in a car seat.

Yeah, you look like a little baby.

Gets me in the space, It gets me in the mental head space.

It's like, yeah, you guys, listen to this and then thank you for listening always.

We we love you.

We know there's people who have been with us since before we even had a place to land, when we were just out there driving around by ourselves. So the people that have been around for all the years we've been doing this, thank you very much.

Yeah.

Yeah, you guys make me cry when you come up to me after comedy shows. So keep it up.

It's it's fun.

Yeah you've been listening to Rye.

Why n they are? Are you leave?

And I you wanna way back home?

Either way we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you clay give us time and turning on engage.

We want to send you off inside. We want to welcome you back home. Tell us all about it.

We scared or was it fine?

Malcorn?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need With Karen and Chris