S2 - Ep. 34 - April Richardson

Are you leave in I you wanna way back home? Either way, we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a terminol and gay a.

We want to send you off InStyle.

We want to welcome you back home. Tell us all about it.

We scared her? Was it fine?

Now?

Porn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride.

With Karen and Chris.

Welcome to Do you need a ride? This is Chris Fairbanks and this is Karen Kilgaiff. We are in the car. We're driving the're car.

Why do I always in a free style rapping.

Because that's who you are. I know.

Once I start rhyming, I remember who I am and it stops me from rapping a twelve inch scar.

I do wrapping, but minds slow, with long pauses in between each phrase.

That's the that's the new style of rap. Right, it's called hard to think of rhymes.

They make it look so easy, those rappers, when it's actually quite difficult.

Yeah, it's there's a new style and it is rhyming the same word over and.

Over throughout us.

I've got a scar get in my scar Get two podcast in a scar It's.

Just the Debbie Harry school of rap. That song came on.

It we were all at a party last night and that song came on. Rapture came on, and I was like, I think this is the time I let everybody know that I know every word to the rap.

Portion of rape.

It's I'd let everyone know I know the Q tip portion of d lights.

And it's not easy.

No, it isn't.

When she mentions Fab five Freddy, is she talking about the same Fab five Freddy that was atv DJ.

Yes, No, he.

Was like Fab five Freddy did the OMTV raps.

Oh, yes, you're right, that is okay. He was one of the originals.

Yeah, the New York like sugar Hill Gang style rappers that kicked it off to begin with. And Debbie Harry was there. She saw them doing it. She saw them in the streets. I read a comic book about it one time.

Really yeah, oh wow, you can learn so much from comics.

I prefer to like hip easier web hop history picture books. I grew up on hip hop history picture books. We have a guest in the car let's not hide on anymore le pretending it feels weird. It does, it does.

Sorry, we've been ignoring you, April Richards.

All the way from England.

Who yeah, my viagra jam band's that's from the commercial style of me, not real, no, no, but sometimes the guys get together in the garage modified into a recording studio.

You know what it's like to v D right, gang, April.

It's been a long time, and I'm happy to see Oh my god.

Likewise, I'm so sorry to be hanging out with you guys. I mean, we've really missed you on this continent. They are on this podcast where there was a time where we really relied on you as a guest almost all the time.

Oh yeah, because I was always at home. You you could just call me and be like, hey, you want to come right around. I'm like totally, I've never had anything to do. Let's do it.

So we got you while you were on your short stint over here, that's right, because we had to for old time sake.

Yep.

Back in the States, it feels so weird to be a tourist. It feels weird to be in your home country and you're you, you have to roam on your phone.

Yeah, that's odd, you know what I mean, It's weird.

I've kind of wanted you to have a slight English accent.

Dude, I'm like defiantly not allowing that to happen.

You find that every once in a while it comes out, yeah, oh for sure.

Yeah, And I get angry because I know I'm so concentrating so hard on not having that like faking Madonna accent.

And I've always gone super hard to where I'm like, y'all, I'm like extra.

American, Yeah, fighting against it so hard because I know I would feel like a loser.

Do people where you live now like the way you talk that they know? They're openly like, we hate American house? Oh wow.

I did a comedy club in Manchester.

That's my only time doing stand up in England, and I feel like they were laughing at the way where I was phrasing things and fully enjoying me.

And I thought, that's because you were in the north and the north is like way friendlier than the south.

I live in the south. Is that true? Yeah, totally. It's like in England.

The north of England is like the south of America, where it's sort of they're more seen as like the rednecks of England, but they're friendlier, you know what I mean. It's like a more down to earth vibe. And in the south they're like snobbier.

So they have a southern hospitality thing kind of.

Yeah, but it's like northern hospitality. Yeah. Wow.

Just like how their toilets go backwards. Since you've been using backwards toilet, how do you think I pulled backwards? I had to adjust culturally to what was going on.

Said toilets like the dancer and fame.

Your handstand, I sit on it backwards like you like.

To drop drop some science as they call it.

Over there, dropped some sciences and if you get tired, you can lay your head down on the tank.

Can I. I'm so you guys took it here, not me? Okay.

One thing I actually do hate about England is their toilets are super deep.

Their toilet it's like shooting into an abyss.

It's like twice the depth of our toilets on I don't know how to not be grown.

It's so.

It's not more water, it's just more area that your ship has.

Therefore, splash on a louder scream as it goes down.

It's truly weird and like I don't want to get It's like whatever we're about to go eat, it's just never what's there's always evidence that you've taken a dump. And when I complained when I first moved there, I'm like, why is this toilet so deep?

I don't understand the point of this is ridiculous. And Martin, my husband, was like, I don't know what you're talking about.

This is weird.

And then the first time when he came to visit my mom and he shated an American toilet that's of normal.

Depth, he was like, I get it. I get your light because he ours it gets rid of the evidence. When you flush an American there's nothing left behind, but with a British toilet, there's always something left behind.

Each I treat each movement like a crime that I'm getting away with.

You don't, Yeah, anyway, They're just way too deep.

It's so did he also marvelet how your mom's house had storage and closet space?

Yes, he did. Didn't you say that they have no closets?

It's isn't that just an old house thing? Because I think the.

Old houses though, like no one updates their ship.

Yeah, and there's also the concept like when I first you saw me like freak out about it online because there was like nothing, there's no nothing, shelves, closets, nothing. So I was like I had just washed the towels or something, and I was like, where's the linen closet And he's like, what is that stack?

It next to books. Yet, you just have to buy your own storage. You have to buy containers that say tea on the front of them and then put all your towels. Well, you have to buy a wardrobe.

You have to buy a closet that's a portable closet.

Crazy it is. It's just such a trick.

Everyone's been tricked into thinking they have to buy this outside. There's a whole industry based on the idea that you can't just build a closet into a house.

I guess it's just a product of us. We consume more and we have more stuff now.

I guess, well, yes, that's what Martin was like, Well, you know these houses were built when you know people owned like five.

Things, and then he's like, where's my one pair of pants?

Basically, it's just that exactly is how British people think. Because he said that, and I'm like, you know, in the last two hundred years, you could have updated the house. You don't have to live as if everyone's still you know. But they take like a weird pride in that of like no, we it's we stay uncomfortable and we're proud, like yeah.

In that house that long. No, it's we were renting that house because we just found it.

One of the times I was visiting. He we we just had to find a place for two people to live because he was living in a one bed of apartment. But every I mean, it's rare to find a house in England that was built anytime recently.

Everything was already built.

It's all like Victorian shit, except for remember April, Like so.

This this was one of my favorite conversations we had When we were on tour in England and November, we were staying at some really nice hotels and we stayed at one and then we moved to a second one like halfway through our stay in London, and the second one we stayed in was so swinky. So I call April because I'm like, dude, this hotel room is crazy.

It's like twice as good as the one you just saw.

And I go and you will not believe the bathroom has heated floors, And April goes, sorry, dude, my house is a total piece of shit. And we have floors too, so they can't build new closets.

Right, all the floors are heated.

Yeah, that's a pretty common thing again, because the place we were renting was not rad at all, but yeah, it had a heated floors in the kitchen and the bathroom. That's crazy, yes, which here you would think exactly, it's like that's a rich person thing.

But we were living in a total dump.

And then it's like we turn on the heat on the floor and it's like, okay, yeah.

It's pretty nice that I have those warm tiles under your feet, right, yeah, I mean.

It's really awesome.

My dad has that in his house because he's originally from English blood as am I.

Oh, it was very disappointing that.

And I thought I had all kinds of different people in my blood, but just.

Just whities really, yeah.

I thought there'd be some explanations, like my hair and stuff.

A bunch of British, Yeah, just British British guy fair Banks.

What do you want, I'd say my last name. Yeah, that's good for all the people that have just started listening.

Now that's the christ just started listening. My name is Chris Fairbanks.

Do you think that's because it was like somebody whoever your ancestor was, was working at a bank and they were the nicest one there and they were like, that.

Guy's fair chance that last names came about, that's true.

It is before that people are just saying, hey, you.

You should get a job at a bank. Hey, Archibald's seventh son, that guy.

But then so everybody was in line at the bank and waiting for the window, and they were like, go to that window.

That guy's fair I can't answer that. I don't know the origin of my name.

I think I think I just told you what it was. I told you, and that is now the organ of you. It probably is.

It's English and those are the words, that's the meaning of them in English.

So there we go. So I figured I figured it out with you, Well.

What is the now the most British thing you'd do that you would have never imagined?

T Yeah, I definitely drink more tea for sure. Okay, what is it.

I mean, honestly now having no choice, but I have to leave the house regardless of what the weather is.

Like.

That's when I first got there. It was raining.

I was like, you know how in La if it rains, you just don't go anywhere. You know it's going to just happen one day out.

Of Yeah, that's most places every six months. I'm like whatever.

And then the first few times I did that, Martin was like, well, if you have that attitude, you'll never leave that, Like you just let.

Go places and wear jacket. Yeah, I mean that sounds so.

I was just really spoiled to go from the sunniest place in the world, the consistently sunniest place in the world, to the rainiest.

So yeah, you just have to be like, I got to go out no matter what. Yeah.

I just did a tour of only cold places and I felt like complaining at first, but then I just see the elderly march right out.

Yeah, subzero temperatures, and I'm like, what is wrong with me?

It's good for you. Yeah, it builds up in your stamina. You're kind of not so at all.

It was so cold in Winnipeg, like in fahrenheit.

It was negative twelve, I think, and it felt like I was walking in a cryodentic chamber. I feel my hip inflammation shrink because of the weather alone.

Actually felt good. Yeah, it's just.

My lungs and the fact that my nose hair was fusing with the mustache.

Well, trim those hairs. I mean, that's on you.

It is on me. I should not have them even mingling with my mustache.

Why your news airs swimming out and touching, whispering to each other until it wasn't until they were intertwined that I realized I was disgusting. That's how a lot of people learn in cold weather, when they're like, I'll just wait until I'm tortured by my own mustache and nose hair intermingling.

Did you have to like break them off? Yeah? I flicked them and they shattered. No, I took tweezers and I pull them and it hurt. But you did it out in the snow. I did it out with my cold little hands. Immediately.

The minute I saw a problem, I say said something, I did something, and.

You saw something.

Then you said if you see something, something, And yeah, learned a lot. But yeah, I in Minneapolis. I bought a jacket. I just I was like, enough of this noise. I don't I didn't come equipped.

Yeah, I apparently got there. It's been on the news and everything. It's been the wettest winter on record. It's been the wettest winter in like the history of England because saying something oh totally like even yeah, Martin's been like I've never seen it rain this much in my life and he's you know, born race, so I'm like, I can't. There were entire months where it did not stop raining morning tonight, twenty four hours a day.

Wow.

I had to I have to take Vitamin D. I had to get a lamp that is fakes the sun. No shit, I had to like sit in front of it. Yeah, because it just it has been relentless. But that's I mean, it's just like the opposite of Australia is like climate change, where Australia's on fire, England's flooding everywhere. Yeah, And every meteorologist on TV was just shrugging like, well, dudes, what do we tell you rain again? Like they were all like, I can't believe it's raining as much. Everybody.

It's so you and Martin started a podcast together.

We did. It's really fun.

I t I present one of my favorite songs and he dissects it. Because he's a musician and teaches music and everything.

It's super fun and.

Probably has always been involved with the exact music you like, right, well.

Yeah, yes and no, Like, obviously I liked his band went in the nineties, but he our taste is not.

Oh yeah, yeah yeah.

He which, yeah, they were rad, but his own personal taste doesn't really overlap with mine a lot. So it's kind of fun because he absolutely fucking hates a lot of shit I like, and so I get to be like, yo, it is one of my favorite songs. You got to tell me.

Why it's good, and he's like, I guess.

And the technically it's just really interesting because he's been picking apart.

He taught himself how to play piano and stuff.

Uh, and how he did that by teaching himself how to play songs on pianos.

So we'd hear a.

Song on the radio and would just sit at the piano until he figured it out.

Wow.

So that's he's kind.

Of It's like a party trick where you could play any song and give him like fifteen minutes and he'll go, all right.

Just play it's impressed.

So it's been fascinating because I'll be like, hey, why is this song so good? And he'll listen to it and he'll he can go, it's because they play this chord at this point and then they change it to this chord and.

Then they get this scientific thing. Yeah, and that gets your orphans.

Yeah, totally, because that's actually they say. How like those new producers that do the mega mega stuff, like Katy Perry. There there's an absolute formula to those anthemic like maybe I'm a firework song where I was talking to this guy, the guy that told me about this. I was like, I'm embarrassed, but I really like a lot of Katie Perry says and he was like, no, no, no, you absolutely should Andreas.

And yeah, but like it's that idea.

A lot of Adell songs are like that too, where they do a key change it has a certain effect on human emotion. Yes, and they know it, like that's it. They've studied it and they know it. This guy sends me off, it's a white maserati to our direct left, and if he cuts me off, we.

Are all truly this car.

Guys, I just want to adapt to what I said and say it could have been ladies in lab coats too.

I know, I came out of my mouth.

I went, a bunch of guys in lab coats, be right, and look, Katy Perry's there's lady lab coat technicians too.

But yeah, the only that all of that's true and there is you know, there are certain things where you know that if you want to try to make somebody cry, you play this chord, and if you want to make somebody feel happy, you play this chord.

There are certain things like that.

I mean, obviously we already got to an episode where I want the brown note to be real.

So bad, you know, not the deepest that makes you shoot yourself. No it sadly Martin told me it's not real. It's not a real thing. But I thought there were those things that cops the sound like science that cops are using where they can stop people with audio, so he I thought it was real. There can be certain frequencies, for sure, but I always, I mean you there's always that urban myth of like you can play a note on the base that's the brown that's like so.

Low that anyone listening with ships and soft.

Like an urban legendary thing. And I was always I'm like, please let that be real, because how funny is that?

Like you're just going you're in a Prima show or something that burn or burn, like the little audience ship.

And they can.

Basically the idea of that, though, would be that every all those bass players are just being so noble to not like.

It's like the it's like the honor system. You're a good a man less.

Well, it is true, because if I knew it, I'd never stopped playing it.

And everyone in the band just slow motions his fingers those dots.

Yeah, but that's because we talked about that, because Martin was just like, Okay, you idiot, Like obviously that's not a thing, because yes, everyone would play it all time.

And then I was like, but it could have good use it.

We just went down a road of how easy it would be if you went to the doctor. You're like, doctor, I'm constipated, and your doctor just whipped out a base.

Like two octaves lower. Okay, like you cure, are.

You posting this podcast? You didn't tell me we're doing this. We've like tweeted about it and stuff. What's it called? It's called why do I like this? Okay, it's just why do I like this podcast? Dot com?

And it is It's just I play a song and I just go, hey, Martin, why do I like this?

And then he breaks it down and he'll just be like, well, this part you like because this is the sad part, and then you like this part because it sounds like it was great. I presented this old song that my nana used to play that I just love so much, and he yeah, there's a part. There's a harmonica part in it, and he's like, you like this because this part sounds that harmonica sounds like a person crying.

And I'm like, it totally does. Yeah, it's crazy. I love it. I have a quick story to tell my sister.

At her school, there's a music teacher who, uh, my sister's been teaching for thirty years, so she's a little bit over it, like there's people who really have a passion for the children in their future, and my sister just like, let's get this day over. So the music teacher apparently gave my sister a harmonica and said, you should use this when you're trying to control your class, and my son's like, first of all, I don't need to fucking try to control my class, right, I got

Nerd, like she would never she was never gonna fucking play the.

All right, yeah, So so that so the music teacher walks by my sister and is like, how's it harmonica going, And my sister's like, it's amazing.

I can't believe it, un totally lies her face.

Then the next day the harmonica teacher comes in, I mean, sorry, the music.

Teacher, she's not harmon's so specification children. So the music teacher goes in.

Sister Blues Traveler Elementary.

They gotta find a building. Those kids shouldn't around the country like that. So the music teacher.

Goes in and she's like, so room eight is misk has miskal Garreff been using her harmonica with you guys, And my sister goes those little ships turned me in in Unison.

They've never done anything altogether at once.

And they all went no, clear and loud like unmistakably. And then the music teacher looks at my sister and then like looks at them, goes, you mean she never once has blown the harmonica for you, And they're like no.

No, then is the worst the teacher to put the kids on the right But she her little tools.

Yeah, Paton inspired to play the blues more than ever. My sister's like I threw that harmonica out the window.

She was so pissed.

My does my harmonicas are gross. My great grandma gave me one and it was like pearl. It was so old and it was crack. It looked like old teeth and I just put it near my teeth and it was like touching someone else's teeth.

Oh, you made out with that harmonica.

I toothed, I tooth rubbed it. I made out with that like a fifth grader who's never kissed.

Clank clank clan.

My grace is all caught up in it.

And then you asked it to go with you. Yeah. Yeah, And then I danced a full arms length away from.

It to Quincidwn harmonica music at the dance.

I went to a lot of barn dances. Guys, just save me from this April.

I thought we'd drive you right to Cedars so and I just because I know that's the one place you have to go every.

Time you come. I missed it. Yeah, I liked it now that I in England. I missed paying for health care.

So let's go, Oh wow, so have you used health care?

Oh my god, I've gone to the doctor like ten times. And if you and do you have any tumors? And I have nothing, it's totally free.

Great.

I couldn't believe it. Like the first time I went. I'm so used to, especially the last few years. I haven't had health insurance in like ten years.

When I was living here and just doing comedy and stuff, and so I am so used.

To not going to the doctor, Like if I get a cold or anything, I just am.

Like, I gotta walk this off, Like I can't go to the doctor unless I'm actually dying.

And so the first couple of months I was there, I did.

I got a bad cold or sore throat or something, and Martin was like, yeah, make a doctor's appointment. I'm like, I can't, I can't afford it. I'll just ride this out, and he's like it costs nothing, and I couldn't believe it. And then I went and when we were leaving after the appointment, I was like, what do I do now?

And he's like you walk out the door, like, what are you talking about?

Don't really know, You're just done. No government papers, Nope, Wow. How they make money? They get paid by the government.

Yeah, it's tax I mean they pay we pay a lot more tex environment, but yeah, yeah, it's like a service because of your taxes. It's not they don't make money. It's not privatized. And that's what And it didn't used to be that way. There were lots of things that were not privatized here. And when it slowly started to turn in the eighties, that's when my mom was like, keep your eye out.

This is not good because.

When you start making money on things like medical stuff that's why insulin costs two thousand dollars, or you start making money off of people being in cars rated, all of a sudden, there's a demand to arrest brown people.

I mean, that's that's like the problem the problem with capitalism.

I mean, the quaint thing is is recently, I mean I don't know how recent.

I think maybe in the past ten years or something.

Like everything used to be one hundred percent free, like zero pounds, but now prescriptions are eight pounds, which is ten dollars roughly. And so when that when Martin goes to get his prescription, like he was.

Like, oh, I can't believe I've eight pounds, Like what the full?

And I was like laughing because I'm like, are you kidding me?

That's ten bucks. That's amazing.

But then my standals, yeah, like when they go, oh, this this is ten bucks, I'm like, ooh really yeah, because there's definitely been times where I'm like, I need this medicine. It's cost three hundred and twenty dollars. I guess I'll just charge it exactly exactly.

So even the recent developments of charging anything at all, they're like, this is outrage.

Yeah, yeah, I'm glad we went into this hole.

To the road. Yeah, fascinating area.

H this is where my hip dog there is.

Everyone go ahead, hey, doctor hip, Yeah, I gotta sentima head shot to get on this wall of fame.

It's a headshot of your right budget there. It is the hip that made you face.

Yeah, you didn't do jaw surgery. Why would I send you a picture of my face is my did you see Chris's facelift?

I don't tell anyone about it, so sorry, it's preventative.

It's a preventative facelift. I get it.

Early, so befir I'm Saggy before I'm a member.

Of sag Is there a place April that coming back home you have to go to first and foremost?

I mean obviously Swingers.

Yeah, that's the first place I got to eat, first place, best place.

Also, just Mexican food in general, because there's no Mexican food in England that is very frustrating. H just none at all. I mean they have they call shit, what are they called Chipotle? They have Chipotle, but it's called like real Alifornia Burritos or something.

Yeah.

So just food really, because yeah, there's just stuff there that you just cannot get. I have to remember to bring bring back a ranch dressing packet, like seasoning, Like ranch dressing is not a thing there. Because you're like, give me some ranch dressing. They're like, I don't know what those words break. They're like, yeah, it's like branches here.

There's no equivalent, you know how they dressed. Yeah, there's just stuff like that.

I forgot little things where when I go to the grocery store to buy it and it's just nowhere to be found, and I ask somebody like, Oh, where's the blah blah blah and they just look at me like I don't what are you talking about?

And I'm like, Oh, you don't have that. It's the weirdest.

I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich one day and Martin was like, what the fuck are you doing? And I'm like, what are you I'm making the world's oldest dando.

And you have peanut butter and jelly if neither of those had ever been thought to be put together.

He was like, I don't what is happening? Like what is this? It's amazing? Yeah, He's like, no, one eat what?

And I because NANCE have a stepdaughter now, and I'm like, Nancy doesn't eat this. He's like no, what? Like this is like the international child sandwich. Everyone had has lunch and there. He's like, No, that is never a thing I've ever seen.

In a life.

Wow. But they do have jam sandwiches, right, yeah, but they don't. It's not peanut butter but free and it's only uh and bears wearing rain hats.

So it's just I didn't know until I got there for a long period of time as an adult, how many cultural just tiny things like that in.

Your backyard and can give your fox some child Yes, we totally have made them jam sandwiches.

It's like, do I love that? Those foxes? It's crazy. Real foxes look like cartoony.

Yeah, they really do. That is okay. Foxes there just roam the streets. Okay, Well we have that yard.

Our house that we're renting is kind of like half underground, so the kitchen window is like level with the ground. So that's why those pictures are so close, because they're napping on outside on the ground, but it's at our eye level. And so the one guy that we called Spike, who comes the most often, he's used to us now in a way like at first he used to run away and now he just looks up at us like I don't care anymore.

Yeah, And so I stared him for like seven hours a day, humanized Yeah, and he does. And so we started we did. I looked up what foxes eat. I was ready to be like a Disney cartoon. I'm like, I want to pet these motherfuckers. I want them to sing songs while they like put my dresses on me and like birds are chirping.

You want to break them into the this apple cider factory.

And mister yes, I want to put a fantasticness like bow tie on him.

Like I was like, we're domesticating these dudes. I'm making them my friends. And of course Martin is like, yeah, that's not happening there.

They're riddled.

Well, they're apparently that they're more like dogs than cats and they're friendlier.

Yeah, they're not for their own safety.

You shouldn't try to befriend them because they need to stay like afraid of humans.

But they're not dangerous, do you know what I mean?

Because if you go on Instagram because a million people have tagged me on fox things now, and there's a guy in London who does have a fox that like comes up to him and hangs out with him and gets in his arms and like eats food out of his hands and acts like a dog.

Wow, And that's bad for the fox community. Yeah, just because they're supposed to stay afraid. But it is you.

Every time if I walk home from like the train station at night, foxes are just out in the street, Like walking down the middle of the street.

They will just walk up to you and look at you like you got some snacks. You might as well be friends with them. Yeah, when you go to tad and they kind of bounce, you know what I mean. But I look forward to a future where we live with foxes. Yes, now are they bity? Don't their teeth look very shit? Get a little nippy?

Right?

I don't know. I haven't had that experience. The arm out the window and since see what have it? Some jam on your arm?

And I read I was like, what a foxes eat? And the internet told me sweet things? They like sweet things. So we made a jam sandwich, put it out there. He came up and ate it. It was like the cutest thing ever seeing he ate it.

Off of a plate, like cut it up like a person sandwich and put it on a plate.

And I've read that they like eggs.

You put raw eggs, and I've seen videos online where they take the egg and they take their little claw and they poke a hole in the top and then they like suck the egg out of the shell.

Oh wow, it's great, and then they painted.

And so yeah, we've we've fed them jam sandwiches. But it's when we at night our bedroom. If you look out of our bedroom window into the street, there's just like five foxes just walking around the street looking for food.

That's crazy.

I think I would enjoy them. They're just love that.

It's so funny because the fox took a picture of lips like the fake fox from Mighty Boosh without those syringes for Fi.

Well, he's because he's really healthy and obviously in good shape. The real bummer is some of the ones that hang out in our yard look like they just came from a fight.

Yes yea. And they're like that missing chunks of fur. It's like mn a.

Foxes like with other foxes, other foxes, probably other dogs maybe, I don't know what other.

Drunk girls in the street after closing time. Who's their faue? It'll fucking end you. I'm a fuck What.

Are you hitting me at the fox ks?

It's not a dress and you're you're all in bridesmaid scowns.

I'm not wearing a fur coat. I am a fox.

Stop it murdered people just pouring red is my actual coat?

I know you're a little kid wearing mink.

I am a fox.

Although I will say, the scariest noise in the entire universe is fox is having sex.

Oh yeah, they give us a little sample.

It sounds something like that. It sounds like it sounds like baby's being murdered. It sounds like a toddler fight club. That's not fun because they em barbed.

They peanis. I don't know, we shouldn't talk about fox dicks.

I guess all this is genuine. I'm not being funny all. The very first time I ever heard it, this was during a visit. I woke up my friend I was staying with and I was like, I think we have to call the police. And they were like why, And I was like, I think someone's beating their child. I think someone's beating a baby. And they were like, no, no, that's fox is fucking.

Yeah.

They knew because it's like such a regular occurrence. Wow, it's horrifying.

I don't look how quickly I changed my mo.

Them boning is not what you want to hear. But then when they're done doing you're like, let's be friends. Then you're like, look at baby foxes yep, yep.

I keep the pictures coming until I have to say now, April.

Do you want to go up to this part of Fairfax and buy your new your yeezies and are important to you?

You you've been mentioning you wanted to stand in line at Supreme, right I do.

I was hoping we could camp overnight the one shirt that they stock per day.

It's so funny. That culture is so just has nothing to do with my life. So when people started lining up out in front of stores on Fairfax, because all those stores turn into really cool tennis shoe store, yes whatever, we'd call them sneakers and shoes. But I was always like, what's this? Except like I was always like, there's an in person record store. I would just like make up the reason why I.

Looked it up because I used to walk by it all the time, Like every single time I walk down Fairfax, there was a line of you know, forty people outside of Supreme, and I'm like, what is happening? And then I got angrier because I looked it up and there's a documentary on YouTube about it about the Supreme reseller.

Oh yeah, yes, it was like a fifteen year old they interviewed and he's like, I make six figures a year just waiting in line as Supreme and.

I was like, fuck you to Hellary system.

It's it's kind of genius though, because it's that kind of thing where like this new world that we live in and the people that have figured out the way, it's the same thing as like the people that figured out you take the thing that's popular and you just replay it on YouTube and give it a tech channel,

Well, in this documentary, the one kid and he was like fifteen or sixteen, was like running the business.

So he's the boss and then he was paying.

The interviewed a guy standing in line who was like who was like forty and had a wife and kids, and they're like what are you doing here and he's like this, I'm a professional line guy.

Wow.

And they were like what and he's like, yeah, they pay me to stand in line for the Supreme shit.

So the fifteen year old in his bedroom is paying this four year old man all that, Yeah, to wait in.

Line for seven hours to get the supreme thing so the fifteen year old can resell it for like old years.

And I'm and meanwhile, I'm flying somewhere on my own dollar to go get a check at a comedy. Yes, where it's like I am not working the system, I'm doing the wrong pen yep. Wow, yeah there was. I was in some place, some Christmas pageant. I swear, I know it sounds made up Fred Willard's Christmas pageant.

Well this reason.

It was across the street. There's like a playhouse across from that Silent movie theater where that used to be, right, and all these people were sitting in chairs. I thought they were there for the show. I'm like, wow, why are you guys aim the opposite direction. They're like, we're here for shoes, man.

No, you're waiting inside of the theater. Yeah. Oh, the people in the audience were already there. They were old and they were there early.

And the other people were like, we're just hanging out here until the shoes going, sneaker pimps.

No, did you take them down six underground? Oh wow?

I knew that you would remember who they were and I just I have no idea.

They have no idea what their song was. Now do basement Jacks?

Oh that's crazy, Yeah, that's I And every time I walk by all those stores on Fairfax really do look like they have three things in the entire store.

They're like, here's three T shirts hanging on a hanger. There's the stock of our store. Yeah, I don't understand. I mean, I guess those shirts are like ten thousand dollars each.

Some of them are really pricey. Yeah, yeah, because otherwise how are they paying the rent? Yeah, I don't I would.

I'm curious about it, though, I want to learn about it.

It's kind of like in the beginning.

I remember when the Internet started and eBay started. I knew a guy that would sell things like postcards on eBay and he would just write like I mean, he would just post a thing and it would be like vintage postcard, but it was just a postcard.

He went and bought it like borders books.

Yeah, and he would just sell them and people would be like, you know, they would bid it up and a person would end up paying fifty bucks for like a Charlie Chaplin postcard that this motherfucker had just basically got his set eleven said.

Was old and was not.

No.

Yes, and there's no guarantee you can do that. There's nothing illegal about it, Yeah.

Because there was.

You know, it was like the earlier days where people are just assuming that what they were getting was what they were paying for. And because it's the bidding thing, it's not like he didn't set the price that the price end up paying.

He just got bid up to that. My favorite thing about that era, and.

Even I guess it still happens to day, is when things when you would sell a thing on eBay, like an autograph, and it would come with a certificate of authenticity.

I'm like, who sits on the board, like I can print out a certificate of authenticity.

Yes, you can buy them at staple.

Yes. It's just like the vaguest thing of old time where it's like no, no, no, it's authentic. This piece of paper that I also created says it's authentic.

I love that.

I was going to buy a painting in my hometown and the antique.

Seller she was like, oh, it's it's this much.

There's a couple thousand dollars, and I was like, that's kind of nuts and She's like, but it's this artist, and I loved the painting. I wanted to get it really bad, but it was like, that seems like a crazy amount to pay. And then so somebody I asked someone's advice and they were like, well, if you get it, you absolutely need a certificate of authenticity so you have proof that it's that it's really that painter's painting.

So I asked this woman for it, and then she wrote back, I I promise you it's authentic, like she thought, and I was like, that counts a certificate. That's nice.

No, it absolutely does not. It was like, yes, but there's this other thing I need from you.

Where she was like, I promise, but this promise is well worded. You can print this email and paste it to the back of the canvas.

But that is as much Who regulates the certificate of authenticity, is what I'm saying, Like, well, in that case, it's just somebody. The person that signs their name is usually the artist. It's like silly young because they're not even like full sized bikes, they're like mini.

They should be ashamed of them.

They really should not. They definitely deserve to be bullied, should be dry that's.

Why it's been good in the past.

Yeah, let's go follow. Yeah, let's do that. Let's do that.

Let's see what they can hear your mirrors with memories. It's scary to buy things online.

You never know.

I do it all the time, and then it shows up and I'm like, oh, I'm a fool.

Oh yeah, this is a cheap thing. Oh that that was well photographed.

From what I just showed you, which is I bought what I thought was what I thought was this, like it's kind of embarrassing. Help, but it really was. Basically it. I can't explain it, forget it, Stephen, cut this.

I can't explain anything.

Oh I want to go, Karen. Can we go to the Early Color Labs when it's open. It's where you can make your own nail polish color. Oh sure, I want to go there. What color are you going to make?

Oh? I don't know. I would love to know. Samps. I got to get all the samps in front of me, and I had.

A brief stint painting pictures on fingernails, and I went to the nail salon across from my house and asked what they would pay me if they you know, if you need someone to paint little tiny pictures on nails, I'm your guy. I'm across the street. And they were like ten dollars a nail, what like that? Not really I thought this was going to say that was going to be my supreme But I think.

Most most people that do manicurists or do I think nail artists probably do it themselves.

Because there's a.

Lady that my sister goes to in my hometown and she'll be like, do you like if it's Christmas, she'll put a snowflake on, if you're going to Hawaii, she'll put a little like palm tree on your whatever. And it's like she takes a totally different brush and it is like it's all about It's almost like the people that do art in the foam, where it's like dots and then the dots join together to make the picture.

I think what I was doing was tiny little paintings like landscape.

It was taking me a long time. It was not a good how long to do like one?

I did my nieces and my sister and it was yeah, it was like an hour of doing that.

Wow for one fingernail.

Go oh, was it like the entire Grand Canyon as a landscape. Yeah.

Yeah, pictures.

Yeah, well that'll be one of the photos for this episode to make it.

About me and my nail art. No, I love it.

And it's either that or I invented a corner bed headboard that is also a shelf, so your bed comes out from the corner. I looked all over online trying to find one. They don't exist, so I build one. So how do I mass produce them? Are you doing my forty five degree corner?

Yeah?

Describe that person's just in That was amazing. Did they have a self driving car that went haywire?

I know they were just stopped at a stops moniacally laughing, laughing, laughing at being stopped. I hope you got a picture of that own. That's great.

Wait, I want to hear you might have an investor. Let me hear more about your corner bed.

Yeah, so most of us have a bed that's like just in the middle of the room or against the wall, making it hard to make that bead. My bedroom was big enough to where I wanted my bed to come out diagonally from the corner, but then my pillows and everything fell back there.

To have a headboard. Yeah, the triangle pit.

Yeah, I made like a triangle triangularly shaped.

Headboard thing I can would you build it would?

Yeah? With the old repurpose burnwood.

So if I had those plans, or how do I build them for people?

How do I make it a business?

Did you make blueprints? I did?

They aren't very professional, but I could make them better.

So can you just do it to order?

That's yeah?

Yeah, and then i'd have to send all the wood. It sounds like it. I wouldn't bunch of a profit. Well if you charge, if you go the fifteen year old Supreme route and up.

Charges, yeah, I know by than you or I just want to get on shark tank and would be wearing pajamas. We all hate making our bed when it yeah, it's a wall, don't get marked c Bay's like, I don't even like making my bed. I like owning sports teams exactly. What if I told you you could have a bed jetting from the corner, but you don't lose your pillows.

Who's just going to say triangle pit behind my bed? Wait? How is that in a func shue thing? Oh? Recommended to have it coming out of the corner. Yeah, I don't know if you're not.

If you're supposed to wake up facing a door, I think that's bad.

I don't know.

I'm not going to replace and put your door in a different part of the room. That's not my jurisdiction.

No, you How do you feel in your room with corner? I wake up, I look at my snowy mountain wall. I feel great.

I feel right the minute I wake up, I'm looking at a snowy mountain. I feel like I've been outside.

And do you have it in the like you open the door and then it's the corner opposite the door.

Yes, okay, yeah, so it's just and it it looks beautiful.

Cool.

I invented it. No one steal my idea out there.

That you just put on the internet. I figure it out.

You guys will be you'll be laughing one time, laughing.

Did you write it down and mail it to yourself so you're gonna have a timestamp for copyright purposes.

It comes with a certificate of authors.

This is Chris. I assure you this. I promise.

This is a triangle promise, or I didn't send this email.

My name isn't fair.

It was a business woman she was not like a friend a friend, It's like a business.

Lady was like, I promise this is real.

And also she was supposed to be kind of like an art dealer. I just googled this, so you should know for sure what I'm talking.

Yeah, so you didn't get the painting, it may have benefit.

It also was the kind of thing where I am I think I might be cheap deep down because I love the painting. But then when I found out the price, I was like, that's kind of a weird painting where.

I'm like changed entirely.

Second, I knew that Yeah, if it's something subjective, like, all right, you can tuck yourself out of it.

Sure. Ell yeah, oh that.

Got ugly real things. Realize those eyes were crooked.

This is disgusting. No one would want this painting two hundred dollars. It's beautiful, it's perfect real. So what have you guys been up to since I moved away?

I drive by your old apartment and still can't find parking.

I go to Good Marris and I'm by myself, and I stare at the waiter, going, what's wrong with this picture?

That's right?

I go to the true TV website and see that we still actively have a show that we hosted.

It is true.

I get people tag me and send me oh, they're showing a marathon of you and Chris, and I'm like, noah, they.

Still air that show. I get more from that. And World's Dumbest too. They still they just never stop. They never They just that's what true TV does, not to talk smack about a network. But I'm doing it. They just kind of quietly rather than go through because I understand you don't want to make someone sad and actually cancel their show.

They just kind of quietly quit, quit order and say.

Well there's a chance and then just tell us let's I can quit thinking about it.

But yeah, they apparently air it a lot.

We just went in I someone said, bring a friend.

It's kind of a casual audition and then they said, you guys were great, you have a show wild.

It really was, and it was it was fun.

It wasn't It was like we were learning how to host a show while on air.

Well you were doing it.

By the end, we've kind of figured it out. And then like, wait, okay, this is actually fun. Let's keep doing this.

And they said no, yeah, now that you're good at it now that the now we don't want it.

Yeah, yeah, but we still are on the website.

Yeah, and it's still People will send me pictures like I'm in the gym and you and Crease are on TV and it's just.

Us acting like fools.

At the time, we did some silly stuff, but it was always fun. It's just like a show where two people are making each other laugh.

Yes, that's all it ended up being, but it was super fun. It was really fun.

Rest in Peace. Almost genius, they remembered and what it's called. It was gonna say real genius. We were in real Janius with I was Mitch Nerd. You were the girl that made us sled out of a lawn chair.

We were times I ran into Lanslow.

Hollyfeld, the guy that lives in the closet. His brother lived next to Tagan. I what were you serious? Yeah, yeah, John Gryce and his brother is and Carrie.

He's like an editor and they live right next door.

And he's nice and I was like, you were less a little Hollyfeld and he's like, oh wow, I always hear Uncle Rico.

He's the nicest man. Oh, same guy for both.

Yeah, yeah, I know that.

Yeah, he's great. He's just like a character actor.

He lived in a closet when the Freedom Lay sweepstakes we all remember because they didn't have a.

Certificate of authenticity to just print him out.

That's I love the concept. I forever love it.

Yeah, I just that movie holds up real genius, its up. It really holds up. And I've been doing stand up a lot. That's my story.

I don't really do that.

I've done it a handful of times since movie, and I always bomb in England.

I'm not phonny in England, not like stage, not socially.

No, maybe it was it's the part because I really did have a good time when I did it there. It just depends on where your head, I guess, just.

Like, yeah, it does.

But it's also just so I'm my personality is antithetical to everything about British, you know what I mean.

They're like, let's be quiet, stiff upper lift. I'm like, what's up, looks be best friends everyone, And they're like, no, what you're weird?

Yeah, you're flying in the face of all that is British.

Absolutely well, I hope you're enjoying it. No, I mean, I am like obviously Martin totally rules. And we just bought a house, which is awesome.

Oh you've got a new house. Yeah, we bought.

We were renting and then we just bought the house. He got the keys yesterday.

Wow. And so when I get back, we're going to move in owner. Dude. You know what's so wild?

Our house payment in a foreign country is like cheaper than LA rent. Yeah wow, yeah, dude, it's not surprising crazy this town.

And yeah, so we're going to do that. So that's cool.

I'm like doing adult shit. That's cool. But yeah, it's very different. It's very different.

Well, I'm proud of you for taking that, making that big move.

That would be you just uprooted your life, got rid of all your cool stuff.

I did sell so much shit and give away so much shit.

Dude, what do you miss anything on my record collection?

Oh?

Oh wow?

I sold almost my entire record collection to me but because I couldn't I mean shipping my stuff over there.

Like it was basically like the concept of pot.

Like they brought a thing that was like here, you fill up this thing and it costs a certain like whatever does it fit in?

This thing? Doesn't go on the boat, you know what I mean. Yeah, so I was.

I had to just get rid of a ton of stuff, and I gave away a lot of stuff.

Too, But yeah, it was wild. I wasn't around for that. I wanted some of your stuff, okay with somebody. Marcela got my microwave I had.

At the end, I was like, anybody who wants to just come over and take things, come take them.

And yeah that ended up happening. I happily was like take whatever. So going to do that, Yeah, it was wild. I mean it was a huge change. I mean it's yeah, it's cool, it's just different. It was a very It's almost like I've been watching somebody else's life because I'm experiencing it was so much change in growth and so much.

Got to fight the bully. Yes, it really is.

It's like I'm a whole different person there and have to be like no, people, I was cool.

I'm old and to live and they're like, no, you're not you're not here. We don't care about their Yeah.

It's it's weird because also there's just no context, like no, when you and I are talking about it, where I'm like, well, can't you go down to like a cafe. I was starting to make up ways to help you think of ways to socialism.

Who were like, dude, I've done it.

Yeah, write yeah, how do you make friends as an adult?

In context? It is so funny?

I will like go skateboarding, which is it's funny that I'm forty five and I still skateboard.

You have to visit though, because there's a place called the Level. I sent you pictures. Yeah, it's like the craziest skate park.

It's always got dudes there, like you would flip out. It's like right outside of our house something, and it's like the coolest, craziest skate.

I always run. I always meet other men.

I'm like, it's funny to ask another man we should skate again sometime. I guess I could get your phone number. It's just funny to meet as an adult make new friends. Yes, it is, and then use the number and be like, hey, I'm the guy that you met that one time. Do you want to have a skate date.

Yes, yes, absolutely.

Well, speaking of Karen, I just posted a picture my friend sent me this skate brand and they on Instagram.

They said, oh, we big fans of you and Karen.

What We're going to send you some stuff, So you got to figure out what size skateboard do you like or.

It'll be stickers and shirts or something. But it's kind of cool. It's like, uh, that's awesome.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's always the weirdest thing where it's people that you're like, oh, that's a thing I've liked for a long time, and then it's like I've listened to your podcast. We're just like, wait, what I forget? People listen to this ship.

Yeah.

This is Rick Howard and Spike Jones and Mike Carroll all are part of.

Something called Creole Tap. They make a bunch of skate brands that I like, and they like our podcast. That's rat very cool, totally. Yeah.

I'll talk to the woman who's nice, Megan. She contacted me. She's like works this Instagram for them. We're going to get some skate stuff so you'll have some Oh my god, you're gonna start dating Milton Martinez.

Yeah, Milton meet me down at the shutdown, Jippy Lute, I will be the girl that watches you skate and does nothing with my life. Please let me live vicariously through you, Milty.

I call him Melty. Melty is the best. How old is he?

Like?

Eat most?

Yeah, I'm as skateboarders there, they're liter mid mid twenties.

You're pretty much done. Little ladies. Retire at twenty seven, yeah or thirty, or your whole leg will snaff you have to bury it in a box. Well, April, I have missed you, as you know terribly. I have two eyes you both so much. Really sucks. I mean, I'm glad like you fell in love or whatever whatever. Very selfish to leave this. Yeah, you know there's quality of people. You're one toology guys, we need to do you left

Tell you see how she drinks tea. I'll give you a hint.

Her pinky is not it's all the way down, so rips it like about her character.

Yeah, I was thinking we could we could do a call out for all of our Do you need to write listeners in Brighton, England?

Yeah?

If you want to hang out there and you want a cool friend and you like people that speak louder than whispering, yes, well then hey, April Richards say, is the one.

For you to hang out look for her? Yeah?

Volume, but you like volume and you like confident. You can't be confident in England. That's another thing, Martin. I had a job interview. I've applied for a bunch of like regular jobs, like day jobs because I don't have anything to do during the day while Martin's at work, and got none of them. And I had a job interview that I thought I nailed. I came home like cool, got the job, rad didn't get it. And then after a few days Martin had to be like because I

The wrong move, and he's like, we're wary of it. We're suspicious of it.

So actually, if I moved to England, I would get jobs because I am the worst.

Interview of all time.

No he I mean I started getting like Dickenzie and orphan style like please, sir, I have this job, so like be so on it.

Yeah. They they're very Yeah. I'm like, what about you? Would you change about yourself? Just about it?

Everything you name it, and I'll change it. I'm not even worthy to be talking to you right now. All right, you start Monday. Where do you see yourself in five years?

Dead?

Absolutely troubling for your forgiveness.

Yeah, yeah, it's just like we think it's we think confidence is weird, we think assertiveness is weird.

We think that we're suspicious of your sincerity. And I'm like, okay, so because that's the thing is if I go up.

To people like like you were saying, Chris like, hey, you want to hang out, want to be They're like this is suspicious, like that's their default, and so I don't know how to get across like I'm not fucking with you.

I do want to hang out with you. Yeah, it's interesting, it'll get better. Yeah.

Oh and before we close, I had to show you that someone in Minneapolis made this tiny constant designer Oh my god car with the not that we're going to have coffee right now, but I thought if we did.

That's beautiful. It's like a gift car Sturbucks gift card holder with a turtle. Turtle's driving the car. The name was on here. I'll figure it out. Oh it came in an envelope. I guess are you just taking this out of my hands? I'm sorry. Here you go, give it.

And the turtle, the turtles that Chris makes eye contact with it echo po yeah yeah, yeah, I'm a turtle ambassador.

People send me those like they send you foxes.

And then Jen and Lindsay made these cool coffee coozies.

Oh wow, yeah, Steven you got one, and Karen you got one, and Chris and then this one says guest.

And yeahs a question Mark. Oh my god. One of the rare times we actually have a guest and then there's a gut Yeah, it's Chris fantastic. What are their names? Lindsay and Jessica. This is Jen and Lindsay. Yeah, Jen and Lindsay. Yeah, thanks Lindsay. This is rank you. Yeah that was in Colorant. They gave me that in Denver. So it's like it's to keep our Starbucks.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's basically a coozy.

I love it.

And it's been a little button. Yeah that's great. It's an adjustable coozy.

Yeah.

If I get that Vani, it's still gonna fit. Okay, go ahead, that lower down on the cup. Yeah yeah, it's really cool. I got the bet.

I thank you for everyone that brought gifts and cards to my shows.

It made me I win because now the only can I say anything about you, I'm just like, just mentioned the podcast just so I can get a reading.

And then when it's a room full of people.

There was twice where everyone cheered and I fucking cry, Like I get on stage, I'm like, well, I'm emotional now.

It's good.

But it's funny to start a show well something different, well and a serously I cry at the end as my closer.

I feel like this, especially this podcast, which has it's not even like the Little Engine that Could. We've just been doing it almost in spite of ourselves, like NonStop. So the idea that we we've gotten so many gifts through your people going to watch you. Do you stand up where I just go like, I can't believe there's still new people to give us presents. Yeah, yeah, because I thought there.

Was like, you know, solid sixty people that were like we're behind you.

Yeah.

It felt like it was so overwhelmed.

Just this compared to my last tour was so overwhelming and like it's and it's all nice, normal sweet people.

Yeah, no crazies yet I love it. So come on out, are you crazy? I can't be crazy.

I'll talk close, I'll talk too long, I'll try and hug you. I won't feel good real handsy. No, no, it's all normal interactions.

Thank you everybody, Yes, thank you all for listening.

I got to figure out who made that car.

It's amazing.

It is.

The name so good. It's a nice little project.

It's a beautifully that goes up cardboard exactly right somewhere on a shelf display.

It's beautiful. It deserves it, all right, should we wrap it down? April?

Do you want to plug any of your projects or just mainly our podcast? Our podcast is it's called Why Do I Like This? And yeah, it's at why do I Like this podcast?

Dot com? I love it. Why do I like this podcast? Yeah? Exactly, see dum me. And then it's every.

Every week, I just pick a different song that I like and then Martin tears it apart and it's really fun.

That's great. And Martin, if you if it wasn't clear before he was the was he the.

Lead singer, singer, and guitarist. No, he's just the lead singer and you played piano. Yeah, lead singer of the band Gene. Yeah, if you're a fan of that ge Any like the dude's name, not like Jean Jean loves Jezebelle, No, yes, like that? Yes, Okay, Well I'm sorry I brought up.

You mean mean Jane like my aunt Jean Jean. I do not like jeans Jeans or my aunt Jean. Don't forget her. I never will never. I'll always remember to never forget her.

Thank you.

Let's go into swingers where everyone gets naked.

And has groups. Thank you April Chess and we love you very much. I met you also, Come with me. I have a house. You've been listening. You've been listening. Did you need a rioty? Why are are leaving?

You?

Wanna way back home? Either way we want to be there. Doesn't matter how much baggage you clean us time and turning on and gage. We want to send you off in start. We want to welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it.

We scared her? Was it fine?

Melbourne?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need

With Karen and Chris