S2 - Ep. 31 - Brandie Posey, Part 2

Last time on Do you need a ride?

Welcome?

Do you need a ride? Hello? Crazy? What intro?

If you had to order a donut right the second? What would you order? Do you guys think we should go to the Krispy Kream drive here right now? Karen mine the most gun?

Mom and car?

Are you leaving on? You wanna way back home?

Either way?

We want to be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you clean. Give us time and they turning on engage. We want to send you off install. We want to welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it?

We scared? Or was it fine?

Malcorn?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need.

With Karen and Chris? Why am I excited about donut?

I gotta go back to drinking vodka?

Yeah? What's the way? What's the donut? It's just got chocolate nuts on it. It's a chocolate not donut.

Yeah, the peanuts dice.

Your chocolate frosting with nuts on top of the process. Yeah, yeah, I'm afraid I like it's a good one.

Yeah, that is a good one. That's why I was like, your old n jail, I didn't. I'm classic, glazed, old fashioned, OK.

I love those.

They remind me of like having to get up early for some reason, like camp, You're going to get driven to the airport or some kind of a special occasion, and then that would be either my parents with that and in coffee, or we had to go to the airport. In my family, my aunt Kathleen lived right by SFO and so we'd go to her house first, and she always had donuts and tang.

So it's a it's that family thing.

Donuts feel like more of a reward to me than most other food because donuts were the thing that we got after church. When I was a kid, My grandmother would always take me and my brother to Dunkin Donuts and we got to pick out a dozen donuts for the family. Yeah, it's kind of why I just like went along with it for a long time.

Sure, you're like, I love church.

Like I'm gonna white knuckle through the sermon for a jelly donut. We'll get there.

I don't want. Yeah, I was trying to think of one I don't want.

I only like jelly donuts weirdly add donuts because it's actually a jelly consistency.

Oh right, right is there? Is it?

Because a lot of them it's like this is fake. It's like to transparent.

Yeah. I hate that stuff.

Yeah yeah, it's not a fan of jelly. Jelly with chunks.

Yeah yeah, that's what is the donut?

That is a twisty situation in its glazed, but then there's some berry swirling going on.

You freelance donuts.

Freestyle are only employees deserve healthcare.

They will not get insurance there.

It is something I know it's a famous one.

I'm just donuts for all.

It's a strawberry Uh twist, isn't it?

What's any Claire?

Well?

And Claire is like a It's like a log with like a filling inside and chocolate on the top.

It has like putting on it. It's like a long Boston cream.

We know I don't like pudding.

Wait is it pudding or with cream? I think it's a I think it's a pudding.

It's because of drama and a buffet of a ranch dressled across the brown.

I just don't ever wrong.

Yeah, you know where do you feel looking at a buffet. When there's ice cream, you get ice cream instead of pudding.

I love I had sensitive teeth as a child.

Are you and Benjamin Button? I feel like raging back.

Now up in nineteen forty five, but I looked like a teenager.

Right, well, next year. I can't remember how that movie works. When does he go fly fishing a lot?

Oh that's all I never thought that snack three? Okay, river runs through it.

Yes, yes, they're all connected.

I only like Brad Pitt when he's dirty in a movie, so I don't watch him when he's plenty of clean person.

Yeah, although did you see if you see Meet Joe Black? At the beginning he gets hit by a cab and it is one of the greatest things.

That it is fun. It was like the early days.

Of CGI technology and it was the and they.

Were they smiling and flirting.

Yes, it's like a first date situation. I think it's with Vera Farmiga and he gets up and it's like, well, great to meet, and it's like it's again amazing on screen chemistry, and he's like they're like they part on the sidewalk, and then it's that thing of like turning back and looking and in the moment of like, oh my god, are.

They falling in love?

Boom, he just gets fucking run over spoiler alert.

Yeah yeah, and it's bad. It looks bad.

It's bad. It looks like it was the thing.

It was the piece of cgi that everyone was like, what the fuck? It was like, now we're in this world. And then the next version of that, in my opinion, the next phase of that was the thing where it would be interior car, real life car accident experience where like two people are talking and then.

Which infuriated me.

Yeah, they just do that in commercials now, Yeah, it's I don't need to.

See that now, I'm good.

It's very upset and second only to these days, how much vomiting there now is like on camera comedy vomiting, but it's real. I can't take it anymore.

No more comedy vomity.

Nobody wants the comedy vomiting.

No more, it's not fun.

I'm good.

I think I've only thrown up maybe twelve times in my life. Really yeah, yeah, well because I.

Don't drink, but I never have, so I kind of like that removes quite a few.

And then I've always had a road cast iron stomach, so it's been maybe under ten. Actually it might be in the single digit. Still in vomits, you get sick pretty much. I very rarely get sick.

It also means you never dabbled with believe me, like the rest of us.

You didn't have a shoe box under your back.

You've heard those fucking stories, right.

Oh yeah, Well there's that Callista Flockhart made for TV movie of her with anorexia. I remember watching that in Home Mac and then because it was like from the eighties or some thing.

And then it was the time that Alan mcbeil was a thing. We're like watching Ally McBeal. Well, she she probably did have a problem.

Yes, last night I did a show with Barbara Gray, who you do your podcast with, and she talked about a woman who put her vom in her menstrul blood and and and.

Urine in jars protect her for herself.

She believe that's my friend Angela. What ever, Angela is a witch. I don't know she's got she's got tiny jars.

Of her blood and Barbara, what's talking about?

Yeah, yeah, of course tiny tiny, you know, tiny tiny, like real, real small jars.

Okay, I don't know what she does. She also puts her business card in there too.

Wait, it's a spiritual barrier as well as a as a marketing scheme.

Well, she's a witch and she thinks if you find her jar, you should be able to contact her.

You know that is fair?

So what is she.

Burying them in public parks? Like, how would you find her jar?

No?

Yeah, I mean she's she's got them buried all over Echo Park.

No, yeah, she's like that is so that's early witchcraft, right, I don't even.

Know what we're talking about anymore. Witch for a long time. Man, I've known her since I was twenty one.

She's, uh, she's older, but not I mean like in her forties or something. But she's Uh, she wasn't this witchy when I know her. And then and then she's had two divorces and yeah, now she's just bearing her blood all over Eco Park.

Yeah? Wah? Is it?

Is it a way to land a man?

No, it's not that. It's it's protection.

Yeah that's what I thought. Yeah, virtual protection.

Yeah, it's a protection thing.

Uh, if you're protection from Tampa.

Yeah.

Her and Ryan Singer do a little podcast all about all about all this shit.

Oh okay, I didn't know she was part of Ryan's podcast.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a oh boy, this is where the magic happens.

She talks all about where her blood's buried.

We're talking about celebrities and cars earlier, and I didn't get it. I didn't get it in there before because we rift to the next thing. But the first time I ever bombed in Los Angeles, I almost got hit by Ron Jeremy in a Saturn because I was leaving the comedy store. I ridden my bike there for some reasons. I was just like, I wanna ride my bike here today. And I was in my head because I just bombed the worst bomb to this day, probably the i thing

We t boned, and I was like, well that fuck.

Immediately just full East Coast comes out and then just the driver turned and looked at me and it was Ron Jeremy, and I just lost every ounce of anger might just went away because I was so confused I don't have been there maybe a year and a half.

I haven't seen them any celebrities yet either, celebrities, I mean, you know what I mean.

It was just I mean, that is a perplexing face to see in person.

Yeah, yeah, and you're like, oh, there he is and he's older than he is and all the pictures and stuff, and then you're like.

I gotta get out of it.

He's like, are you okay? And I was like, I'm fine, Ron Jeremy and I just.

Kept going It's funny how he's the grossest dude ever. But I have so many friends, mostly women, that go and take a picture with him, and I'm like, I wouldn't want to be The one person that ran into me was or.

I was jogging and she.

Pushed on the brakes at the last moment and then yelled called me a word you can't say, the other F word, slit me off, and she it was Jillian Barber the good Day La, Wow.

Good Day Live, Good Day La. It was Yeah.

I used to have like a ten minute chunk about her in my Miami really yeah, because she was so horrible.

Oh yeah she was.

I mean, I turned to the guy next to me, and I was like, it was that the good day la person.

Yep, a stranger you didn't know?

Yeah, yeah, we were both amazed.

I was running and I was just at the edge of the curb and she I was too close to the street for.

Her, and that was enough for her to call me a very hateful.

Word led me off from her vehicle.

Porsia. Yeah, it was like, of course, a porsia nine to eleven.

Yeah, who cares?

What the what the people around just doing it was. It was a shady jeez.

I used to hate watch it every morning because I couldn't believe like those it's that thing, and it is very Los Angeles where it's these people like in TV, in show business, in you know, TV movies or whatever, that you have to be hot as a woman to even get in the door. So there's all these hot women that then somebody told them they were funny and then and basically they're off to the races and it's

Two women and looked like a bill O'Reilly looking guy.

Yep, it was Dorothy. Lucy was the second woman who was also on Funny, but she was more of like you could tell she was like this.

Journalist that, you know whatever. She was trying to get him.

And her and Jillian were always fighting.

Yes, or competing.

And then Steve what's his name was the guy that was like basically placed in the middle and just it was souch shrugging, yeah, just being like because she wouldn't not say whatever stupid fucking like idea came into her head.

She sawt Spencer's gifts. It was just a Spencer's gifts.

She blurted.

Yeah, she blurted some Spencer gift quotes at me, and uh.

It was lordy LORDI la who's forty.

Patch patch catch? I think it was.

Than just one long fart sounds there she is, that's the good stuff.

I used to have a seenoere butts from Spencer's Gifts in my car in high school. Yes, you could press the thing and this guy pulls pants down in the car behind you.

Let's not forget it's a great place to buy lava lamps that are already broken.

But not on sale.

No, no fall dollar.

I got my niece's lava lamps one year and they were It was nice to be back in Spencer gifts.

Sure, I can imagine that there's.

Not a lot of fart based gifts these days.

You can hardly find a pile of shit with eyes for slippers there.

It's everywhere.

The poop emoji is really cornered the market. Yeah, poop and fart stuff. So it's like, yeah, it did so.

Well in the Emoji movie. This is the character America loves and embraces.

Wasn't that Patrick Stewart was it? I think he's the voice of the poop Emoji? Yeah?

Ha'd anyone actually seen that would have been good?

Absolutely, there's no way the Karen didn't do punch up on it.

I would have thought that. I would have thought Jumanji one and two it wouldn't be good. You know, sometimes you gets surprised.

Jumanji one is awesome.

I haven't seen Nea either. We should do that. We should do it, we should live podcast during it.

Let's still let people scream that.

We went to see no brag cats. Oh look, Larry David's going to the Walmart. We went to see Cats, and we had the entire theater to ourselves and it was fucking hilarious.

It's I have I have yet to yet to go. I'm pretty excited about it. But I've heard that from a few of the people because marb Test and a few of our friends went for eight thirty am showing they wanted to they wanted to have it, and they wanted to be a little bit delirious while it was happening.

That's so, where.

Was the planet be Americana?

Wow, that is fucking hilarious.

You can go, sir, because yeah, you're waiting, and I don't want you to kill missus.

We got it. Yeah, that guy is more, he's in he's.

He's furiously furious in this.

Let him have it.

Yeah, you can have it, sir.

Is the Cats movie?

Does it? Does it? Is it just a remake of the musical? Yeah, that's why it's weird.

Yeah, because it's not.

The musical is kind of terrible, But it was like it basically had Broadway live talent. You have to be an incredible talent to be in it because they're making those people do all the ship. That's you know, the dancing is amazing in the and obviously you have to sing and stuff.

We got to be able to lick your own butthole. I mean that itself.

This is a ship based episode. If I've ever heard one, it's the what do they call that in music?

It's the scot come on.

Yes, sometimes funs sometimes funds.

The light motif like a fucking asshole.

I like that Scatman John song because it's actually very empowering if you listen to the lyrics.

What's that? What do you hear that?

That's it?

And that's you find that empowering.

The verses if you read the verses, he had a really bad stutter and the song is all like everybody stutter is one way or the other. So check out my message to you. As a matter of fact, don't let nothing hold you back. But Scatman can do it, so can you. It's all about like him getting over his stutter by scatting.

Wow. Yeah, it's a very it's a very empowering song.

I always felt like no karaoke bocus ever had it, but I feel like if you could pull off that song of karaoke, you could end the night.

Yeah.

Well, because everyone has laughed.

Yeah, exactly is there is there some underlying self help message to the open the door, get on the floor.

Everybody walked the Dinosaur boom. I remember just wanting to leave the earth.

Not in a suiciety way, but there was that era of music where it was the Macarena and then everybody walked the Dinosaur Ye, all those songs.

I'm like, okay, ivery this this place isn't made for me.

It's kind of it was like almost like a post Barney reality that we all went into, where it's like, maybe things should just be for children.

Maybe everything should be for children.

It does feel good to acknowledge the existence of evolution, though.

Yes, it also feels so good to go hey. I was in the grocery store and the Macarena came on, and I was like, this is the most irritating song of all time, except when when that one guy.

Goes it like comes and it goes out by itself.

I can't not do that.

All the parts are good.

I went.

I went to, uh, this will tie in the Macarena and my weird witch friend that plants blood all over family so she she's friends with a bunch of influencer witches, which is is the thing, and so sometimes she'll be like, hey, you want to come to a thing with me? And I'm always like absolutely, and I want to see this whole world. So the other night we went to there's this new I don't even know it is. There's an exclusive club called Cloak and Dagger. Have you heard about

It's it's a real piece of ship. But you the rules.

It's very funny because you have to wear all black and you cannot take photos. If you take photos, your membership will be revoked and you have.

To become a member.

Well you'd be a member or you've been the list of a member, but also if you're on the list, they also need your Instagram handle because they have to look up how many followers you have and that's how.

But everything.

Then you can't take pictures, that's nic, but.

They have they have a photographer walking around all.

Night so that you have to pay for the pictures.

Basically, yeah, so it was a real shit show.

But there was like the music they were playing was like you know, your your your goth hits that you would expect, like your beautiful people with MARYL.

Manson, like your ni inch nails closer all that stuff.

But then there'd be like Britney Spears in the middle, but then they would have like the same The DJ was like kept everything at the same beats. There's this weird, like kind of goth beat throughout every song. I kept being like, are they Gonnay top forty? They're gonna play like the Chaha slide or something was gonna have topic?

Oh yeah.

Every guy was wearing vests yeah yeah, and they thought they had colts where they just had ponytails.

Like that's what was going on. Wow.

I was stayed for about seventy five minutes and then I was like, I can't meet anybody else without laughing in their faces.

I'm exhausted from trying to be good.

Also, the Angela's friend Melissa had like a table with bottle service, and I don't drink, so I just drink all their orange juice.

Yeah, so I just drank. That's that's my move at a club, but you just drink all the mixers.

So sorry. Aside from like say dancing or drinking, what.

Is that club for? What would you do there?

I think it's for people in there. It's like to feel like you're real, a real GOTHI person, Like everyone is wearing black and just like very dour. And then you would just meet I was like, oh, i'll I and I am I'm a sarcastic person, but my personality is much too sunny for a place like that.

And I'd meet somebody like, OHI I'm Brandy. How you doing. Oh hi, I'm a member here, and I'd be like, cool, do you have a name?

Everybody like looked like they were just everyone's waiting for an vampire. It looked if like the bar from True Blood was made by Renaissance Festival.

People like, that's the vibe that it has.

Some style questions, Yes, are there steampunk goggles on heads?

I didn't see any goggles. It was a lot of there were top hats. Okay, I didn't see any goggles on the top hats.

Though.

There was a lot of.

Mesh, a lot of pleather, a lot of those like like gotty messy pigtails.

Yeah, how about giant flared out Jenco sized pants but with straps hanging down the side.

There was definitely bells and whistles hanging off of pants, but they weren't like the bit they're more tight fitting.

Then yeah, yeah, elsewhere everyone slimmed up.

It was really funny.

Do you think this is kind of like an S and M club for a starter SMM club for cowards?

It felt like it.

It felt like it was definitely going to get there.

I left right right after midnight because at midnight they turned down the music and the DJ like let everybody in like a like a prayer about like I don't know, like finding your potential for the year or something.

What. Yeah, it was weird at the club.

He turned down everything.

It was. I was rolling my eyes so hard.

I was like, this is this has been an entertaining hour. But then I got my lift to go to go home, and the guys in the lift, God, sounds fun and I was like, no, I'm shooting. I'm shooting on this thing with you.

Stop it.

You would be great. Is if they had that club.

And then there was a section of roped off section outside filled with bullies.

Left they just got the ship beating out.

I mean that's chad, just like high school.

Okay, everybody get ready because we're coming up to the order thing.

And I've never been here before.

I don't know.

This is so exciting.

Should we get a box of minis then we can have one of everything?

Are you okay not getting your very favorite thing?

Yes?

Yeah, I'm gonna eat whatever we get very step you.

Yeah yeah yeah, yeah.

Perfect.

Then let's do a box of minis so that we're not like perfect and you could bring them to the show.

Oh, I'll be a hero. I love walking into a place with food.

Yeah, people love it.

Sheels really good person. I've only seen it go really badly once. I was in a festival in Atlanta and me and James Fritz had come from a different show and we're going to like the house everybody was staying and James is like, not this person.

But he was like, yeah, let's go to crystals. I'm gonna buy like forty dollars worth of crystals one in the morning. We're gonna be the heroes the party. And he was so excited and he spent forty dollars on crystals. We're about to order, I will.

Hi, can we get a box, like a variety box of the minis? Yeah?

For the minis, we have chocolate and the that's perfect.

You want beach?

Great?

Okay?

Anything else, that's gonna be it. No, thank does anybody want to drink?

Good?

Okay, thank you? I can't wait.

Wait, wake up? Did we just get twenty five donuts?

Twenty tiny donut? Twenty oh?

They listed four different ones five beach that's twenty.

Math math right now? Okay, sorry, no, that's fine.

So Fritz he buys he buys forty dollars forth of crystals, which crystals is like a lot of like.

Mini cheeseburgers and stuff rolled to the party.

Uh, Dave Stone had just put out a bunch of barbecue that he had finished making. Oh no, one ate Fritz's crystals, and then he just sadly ate forty dollars worth of crystals in.

Corner because Steve Son's a great cook.

Right, an amazing cook? Yeah? Wow, yeah, yeah, that's the word it was.

I laughed in first his face all night long, could not stop laughing at him.

He was He's like, I've never done the before and I'll never do it again. Yeah.

They really bit him in the ass.

They really did.

There's one time I went to a birthday party my mom gave me.

She had made suckers like lollipops where there's like there's shape like something you poured candy into a yeah, metal perimeter. Yeah, and they were peppermint or spearmint or cinnamon flavored and she maybe put too much of that in it, and every kid was like crying their mouth it. It was like I got pepper straight in the mouth and I was the one that like crying, Like they had to get picked up and taken them home.

You shut that birthday party down.

Yeah.

I really just want to be a hit and it just never happened.

Have you guys noticed the phenomenon?

And it's not just in Los Angeles, but I noticed it mostly here where the pretty girl will bring like a cake or something that she's made to a party but then not eat it, but then watch you eat it.

Yeah, oh right, I've seen that at eating at gunpoint I caught.

Yeah, I hate it. I'm like, why don't you eat your cake? Oh no, you want to get off and.

Like watching me eat it and like see how much self control you have not eat your beautiful cake.

Yeah, yeah, it happens.

It made it. That's this whole town.

And then they ask you to slowly describe the flavor and then they say slower.

Say it again British accent where you know what's funny.

I went through a phase in the nineties. I used to make everybody their birthday cake.

Oh care are you aoake? Are you a baker?

I had a heart Well you know what it was.

I I do like to bake, but it bothered me. We'd have these birthday parties and it would just be all people getting shit faced and stuff, and I'd be like, no, we should it's really their birthday, like we should.

Be it's fun.

And the first one was because I think it was for I made Paul Tompkins a birthday cake that was the poster for Jaws, and it was it was not that realistic. I mean, I wasn't that good of an artist. So we did it with like and it was me again, me and Danny Sibios.

But we did it with like.

We kind of drew the icing. Danny was a pretty good artist.

I cut out the lady, a picture of the lady and stuck it in.

It was like paper at the top, the lady swimming.

But for the for the shark's teeth, I've stuck in slivered almonds, so it actually looked like shark teeth. A great idea, and then once I did that and people went fucking batshit for it, then I was like, well, now I'm making cakes. So every time I'd be like, what's your cake going to be? And one time it was I think it was David Cross's birthday. I was gonna make this cake. It was gonna be a different design. And then the cake when it baked, it rose and

So then I turned it into.

A battle scene where it was soldier shooting across like a ravine.

Was little army man, it was that you did.

That's Antito was sorry it was Yeah, it was no cowboys and Indians shooting across the ravine.

That's what a great save.

It all became about me really at the end of the.

Day, about saving the day.

Yeah, I mean that sounds amazing.

Yeah, I need to see more arts and crafts out of you in twenty twenty.

I'll do my best, I think, you know.

You know it's funny my sister got me a watercolor kit for Christmas because she's like, I think you'd like to do it, and I was just like, really, I've never said that in my life, but actually, now that you mentioned, I will.

Like to do it.

That sounds great.

I used to do Bob Roth's paintings at Michael's Crafts when I was in middle school.

Did you there's a show in New York that's the Bob Ross Challenge and everyone tries to paint the same painting at one show at one time.

Oh, that's fine.

This was like a teacher that because there's Bob Roth certified teachers, you had to be certified by the Bob Roths.

Is that true?

Huh yeah, yeah, there's like an academy in a class that you had to take. But I think that's thirteen.

Pretty sure I.

Should do that.

I mean it was very soothing. I have like four my parents still have four of them at my dad's house.

Did you do pretty good? Are you playing cardy green Trees?

Yeah?

Yeah, little happy trees.

I'll send you some pictures of those, Steve and I just took photos actually when I was home.

My signature is way too big because I was in sixth grade and you're into it.

Yeah, exactly, But I got some pretty good Bob Rank you so much.

Did they use a lot of sponges? Oh my god, these are adorable.

Let me see it.

Look at these little guys.

I have a couple of knapkins in here. They're absolutely precious.

They're so cute. Oh my gosh.

Well, I mean, well, people get people don't like eating noises.

Right, it sounds like we're doing makeout fully where.

Yeah, but we can fucking cut it for one second, because you can't sit with no.

We got a park in an empty parking lot. Crack this baby over.

I mean that's how you beat donuts.

Look at the west Helm. Okay, well we'll do this. I'm gonna rip this one in half.

We are eating a box of donuts.

Everybody hat Danner Listeners Engineer Stephen Ray Morris here to say that if you hate hate the sounds of chewing and eating, I'd suggest you skip ahead about two minutes and then you'd be good. Thanks, and now back to the show.

Well these smell good.

God, I'm taking a straight up glaze.

Oh I want there's a Simpsons one. Yeah, I gotta take a big Simpsons one.

Do it?

Here you go, I'm gonna get a chocolate glaze.

Well, it's amazing. This isn't really good. These are so fucking good.

Wow, I'm really worried that I'm getting frosting on your car, but I think it's just getting on my shirt and pants.

Okay, yeah, don't worry about it.

But before we take off, I might get out and shake because this is a This is a this is crispy, creamy and flake.

Oh good, they're really good.

Man, You guys won't hold the box.

I should totally hold the box for one second.

So this kind of gonna do anything else? Do?

You're good?

Okay? What's in the box?

Even we made your break the.

Maybe eat twice on.

This podcast as a producer, this is difficult for you. Well, it's good. I feel like I've been I feel like I've been in church with you guys, the real comedy church situation. That's what's going on, right.

We want to be full service as a podcast.

And if eating donuts along with you does that remembering the rest of each the mike and I'll be like, these are from you need Ride and everyone's gonna lose their minds.

What Okay, you got to hear about it.

Next week you'll see you'll feel like shitty time travel. I hate the doughnuts they talked about today.

Oh that was really great.

You're supposed to experience a sugar high, right, not immediate n happiness.

Well, I mean that might be part of your hut.

Wow, man, I am I'm a sleepy dog. Well that was a fun don'nu at break and I'm glad we took it.

Yeah, absolutely, you know what, sometimes you just got to say what the fuck?

Also, the traffic was that was so my resolution this year say what the fuck?

Just say it with Mark Maron. So you just took care of it with Mark.

Yeah, one time I told him that whenever I listened to the podcast, I put it on one and a half speed because it makes him sound caffeinated and optimistic.

That's hilarious.

And he stared at you.

Yeah.

Basically, he gets his gat food at the same place that my dog.

Food is from.

There's a place called Rock Dog and Eagle Rock, owned by a comedian.

He's always there, and Bill Dwyer is there often too.

Bill Dwyer is one of the greatest stand ups of all time.

It's a sweetheart. I miss him.

Yeah, I miss him too. He's still alive and well, we just don't Oh yeah, there's so many people. We don't just run into it anymore.

Yeah.

Yeah, Bill's well Rock Dog and Cat and Eagle Rock Goldwires. Often they're hanging out because he owned him and the owner of that place.

They own a dog walking company together. Oh really, Who's who owns the place?

Peter Ohm not Gonna was his last name. He's a comedian though older comedian, kind of bald. Gotcha from Boston originally. I think that's why he knows Marble.

Dwire co owns say dog walking company.

Huh oh wow, that's great, very smart.

Yeah, he's a good, good fellow.

I remember when I met him because he's one of the hosts of the original BattleBots, which.

Is one of my favorite TV shows.

I remember being like, you host some battle Bots, and he was like, you give a shit about that show. It's like I it's robots beating at each other, which is I think is the only way that humans survived that we turn the robots against each other.

That's true.

Yeah, and also I love I got a lot of opinions about BattleBots because like you'd have the people that would make the wedge, and the wedge always wins. Some people would have like Thezar, like the slipless less Lamor that would slam down.

Yeah, they could get under it, because I'll get under and flip it over.

It's a ramp driving towards you.

You have no chance, Yeah, exactly. I just saw the gift of.

The upsetting robot dog things that they.

Make all the way they move, except for there's that classic gift where someone put a banana peel.

Down and it just slips and falls and it's over.

Ye.

Like it's like they're very scary except for if they if they encounter kind of anything yeah, yeah, and then it just goes like that, Yeah, you can't get back up.

Makes me feel good, Yes, we can still take that.

I think they've hopefully they've built in a couple of those like once they slip on a banana, it's dead forever type of things.

Right right where you can't laugh.

And a robot well, I hope they let the robot apocalypse. It's like old timey clown tricks are the only way to keep them away. So it's like you have to have like a Seltz model and like a whip cream pie and a banana on you at all and a rubber chicken that's how you fight off the robots, that's right, because they can't handle shame, just like me, Just like me and my mini donuts.

Oh god, I should have just had two. Three? What's too many? Yes?

Three was definitely a mistake. But but I'm smiling for no reason.

Oh I really or and I can feel them in my veins.

And I know there's chocolate on my teeth.

So sorry, are we?

Oh?

Oh?

Fine, life?

That's right? Yes? Perfect? Do I mean to pull up directions or do you know?

I think I can do it if it's you say it's on.

It's on bird Bank Boulevard.

We are yeah, we're still, We're still good.

It's not even show time. I oh, yeah, it's gonna work out perfectly.

Yeah, this is great. I'm gonna be on I'm never on time for this show and be like, WHOA should be good. I'm very excited.

Do you have new bits for twenty twenty?

Yeah? Oh? Do I ever written anything new?

I've had some great stuff tonight on the show.

Exactly. It's going to talk about menstru blood and jar.

Angela stands up in the back. That's my bit.

I'm so glad when I brought that up. My back started to sweat. I'm so glad you had my bag.

Oh yeah, no, exactly, please please.

Yeah, you just said if I just said mentrual, blood.

And a jar, You're like, I have no idea what you're talking about. It would have been such a Chris Fairbanks moment.

No, no, I not only knew what you were talking about. I'm good friends with the person who doesn't.

That's great.

Okay, Look, this is this is what happens in l A. You got, you got a lot of people in your corner. She's delightful, she's one of my best friends.

You people understand no matter what the fuck you're doing.

Look, all I know is that if somebody fucks with me, I got a witch with blood all over Echo Parks.

That's what my team protection.

I also like that idea that it's like the way, that's how you're going to get your protection.

Yeah, just because it's why why does that Why is that any us valid than putting a weird you know, like a wrench in your box or something.

Well, it's like, what would I rather you do have a bunch of jars of blood all over Equo Park or have a gun?

I'd rather you bury a bunch of blood jars all over black jars.

When I'm walking around and I think there's going to be a mugger, I just offer him one of my mother's secret recipes lollipops.

It's a slow bird.

I mean, what a whimsical way of warding off felons.

You could rub me, but wouldn't you like to lick this?

But before you do that, there's a lollie instead tongue.

Now you like our mutual foiled again?

If you boasted it?

I think I just wanted to a very light donut coma.

Yeah, was immediate.

Yeah, I mean it's serious.

It might turn into a donut eight hours sleep.

That's the beauty of Krispy Kream. And so you don't eat melatonin anymore? No, I know, you just gonna peak on sugar and then let yourself pass out.

Really, or will you.

Guys be furious if I say that was my first time I having Christy created whoa.

Not at all?

Yeah?

I don't. Then we were here for it. Yeah, yeah, never special.

I didn't know they had to drive through either.

You know, for a first time, I wish that you had.

Those ones were clearly not straight out of the oven, yeah, or whatever friar out of the oven is.

The people go there at six in the morning to get them right, like you wake.

Up early and put on a special outfit yep.

Called sweatpants.

I used to do that in Philly because I went to college in Philly, and whenever I do, like film shoots and stuff, I'd go up. I just couldn't sleep the night before shooting something, so I'd go to the soft pretzel factory and get a box of soft pretzels for a crew at like five point thirty in the morning.

When they opened, they were hot, hot out of the practic factory, a bunch of mustards and stuff. How big, Oh, just big, big, big, big.

Old pretzel, the big ones, the big ones covered in salt, so good.

I just love a hot pretzel. I call them hot pretzels. Yeah, I think you're supposed to say soft, but I call them hot pretzels.

I love them so much.

It's so odd and like and the gastro pubby type places.

They're all the rage now.

So everyone has a pretzel these days.

Oh, I love them so much.

They're the best.

I like them. I like them. They're like pizza to me.

Where it's like I don't even a bad salt pretzel is still an amazing soft pretzel.

Yep.

Yeah, and I mentioned this before.

But speaking of pretzels and pizza, my sister when we'd eat pizza out as a family, because I was a kid, she would make me ask for mustard Pizza Hut or or Godfather's Pizza. I think it usually was, which was embarrassing. But if you put mustard on a pizza crust, it just turns into a pretzel.

Yeah, oh, minus the salt in the shape.

Well, Pizza Hut has a taste. Pizza Hut has a pretzel crust. Now, as my sister invent at that, she should have gotten the patent. She would have nailed it. Wait have you tried it?

No?

Oh, I wonder if that's good.

I did try the cheese It pizza that some one of them did.

I did a podcast where they ordered it, and it's like a giant cheese it filled with cheese.

And pepperoni, and like it made me feel crazy. Yes, my heart was beating.

I drank five blusses of water afterwards.

Crust filled.

You said, a giant cheese filled with cheese, And that was just immediately made me really happy.

I thought, you said it's a giant cheese.

It is a giant cheese.

It.

It's a cheese. It it's a cheat giant cheese.

It with like the the with like a mozzarella.

I think it might be a pizza.

Hut dish that can't taste it good.

It can't know. It wasn't very good. It tasted like a bad mozzarella stick.

Yeah, because like the outside of a mozrel stick kind of is a little bit cheesier different.

It was.

It was bad, But I ate it on one microphone.

I'm just eating a lot of stuff on mics. That's more.

That's my twenty twenty resolution is more eating on microphone.

Stephen's digging his fingernails into his palms right now.

Well, I think everyone wants to do a diet thing because over the holidays you're eating all your family's cookies.

But yeah, my dad and his wife just don't eat much.

You just they eat like one meal a day, and I lost weight over the holiday.

No, there wasn't really venturing out.

It's cold outside, so I was like, I have some truscuits, maybe a thing of string cheese, and go to bed.

Perfect came back seven pounds slider. See.

Unfortunately, my sister, being a grammar school teacher, her house is filled with everything from her first day of break because she gets a thousand presents and all the presents are like a mug filled with her she's kisses, blah blah blah whatever. And then she does those cookie swaps where everyone bakes cookies and then gives each other, you know, half a dozen of each one. So she had so much stuff at her house, my favorite being those peanut

Those were at the house. I'll tell you that.

Yeah, those things are good. Those things rule. We just drove past the good night. I just I wanted you to get.

Your cookie story out. So worth it, so worth it. I should have driven a thousand miles for that.

But if you.

Perfect, you could probably go through this funny Yeah.

Is it on this side of the street or other?

It's on this side of the street.

Yeah, just a sketchy alleyway sketchy away.

You're not afraid of an alley, you're just the guy from.

I paid for this fucking alley with my taxes. I lived in Burbank for years.

My you take a left here and it's like the next block.

Oh okay, back that way.

Okay, Yeah, see what I can do a little, like, see what we can do with this blue neon signing faster?

Everybody on Burbank Boulevard is going a million.

Miles a blue neon sign to the left.

Okay, Oh cool? Little is this gonna work as a drop off?

And wait?

Are you too early?

I mean I'm a few minutes early, but I can be early for a show for once in my life.

Oh well, we can also just sit here.

I'm more than happy to also just sit here.

Those the doughnuts shifting around.

Everyone needs two more donuts. Let's see what happens.

I don't think I no, no, I don't think I should No, I can't have anymore.

I think, uh, I still feel it in my veins.

But they were I mean, I'm telling you, these are mini donuts, like smaller than your palm.

It wasn't like, you know, I think they ate the equivalent of one donut, but I think one Krispy Kreme doughnut.

Yeah, it just it is a lot.

Alf The enjoyment is just many.

You know I love miniatures, War's favorite miniature.

Oh just dollhouse furniture.

That doughnut is small enough to where it was just made me think of a better, smaller.

Time when things were small.

A group of houses from a horse farm that had a miniature pony at it.

Oh.

I was growing up also.

And right before I was born, there was also a retired circus lion that lived there, but he died shortly before I was born.

I would always hear about the retired circus line.

It would just hang out smoking cigarettes.

Do you think he was happy? I think so.

Wow, that's idiot.

Yeah, well that guy the whole thing, Oh my god, wow, everyone we are witnessing amazing.

Burbank Boulevard is a wild as hell time right now.

Why because he's parking terribly.

Yeah, and that was a huge spot. It was a huge spot.

It was so big, it was a huge shop.

But he couldn't do.

It in front of two comics, knowing he would be ship one or not being able to parallel park.

This place is great for a bunch of comics just talking and smoking outside that place.

That guy we did almost witness the guy getting hit by a car. Yeah, that was very real.

But also, why are you walking across Bourbon Boulevard in the dark with your hood up thinking that all these cars are going eighty Yeah?

Yeah, while he had a bucket of ice cream or popcorn?

Did he? Yeah? Yeah, I hit some treat, some kind of treat with him.

I have to say this too. You just said bucket of popcorn.

This thing happened in my stomach and now I'm starving and it's those fucking donuts.

Yeah, this is how my system works. It's just like, oh, a little bit of sugar, go go.

Now, things awful. Second, that guy Brandon, oh.

Looks like it might not It might be.

Around. He has a bit of a tough guy walk.

Yeah.

There is another guy that looks like him and Thelouet named Ian Ager. That's a younger comic who was one of the co hosts of the show. So it's him and the guy.

Got a comic named Joe Kay who started comedy because of me. Yeah.

He came to a picture of this and was like, I want to do comedy, So we started going to open mics after that.

I'm inspirational.

Yeah, I had a lot of people in l a younger comics tell me that I was the first person that was nice to them in Los Angeles, and I'm always like, oh, well, look how far it's gotten me.

I actually recently had someone tell tell me I was the one like nice person to them in the shitty clicky circle.

That we were in the in the like the Largo era. And when he was telling me, I was just like, I'm positive you're thinking of somebody else. I just was not a nice person, Like, I don't understand.

This is possible.

I love the idea of it, though.

In the in the middle of all my like I'm just vicious to everyone around me, my closest friends.

But then there's like a one comic that was like, hey, what's up, how are you? I hope you're doing good. Everyone else monk away from me.

Oh that's so funny.

Now someone over there is wearing a scarf, and that's.

Oh what, who could be wearing a scarf?

Is this a high class show?

No, that's definitely not true.

Maybe it's just a scarf for warmth.

Yeah, maybe it is a little chilly out it is. It's not very cold here.

I just came from a place that was ten degrees.

It's still cold. It's still cold. That's awful. I really want to go to the show. You should come in.

I want to, but but these guys need to. I have to drive these guys.

Oh, come back, maybe I will. You should. Maybe I will, you should. It's to be a good time. I'll hang out. I'll hang out if you come back, okay, yeah, perfect? Hell yeah yeah.

Maybe you'll get on stage and.

Stand up fifteen new minutes.

I'll be Yeah, it'll the whole time, no pain at all, it'll be awful.

At what was I watching?

Oh?

Shit, you guys, have you seen the amazing Jonathan documentary?

Oh?

I want to, you have to. It's so good. Yeah, it's so great.

Well, there's a couple of them.

One that guy I can't remember the comic that name, but they were both came out at the same time.

This one on Hulu on Amazon.

The one on Hulu is about the ones coming out at the same time.

It's amazing.

It's basically like the guy thinking he was the guy and then learning he wasn't.

That's what I saw. Is that what you were talking about?

Yeah?

Yeah, but it reminded me because watching him, he was like going back on stage because he's you know, got a terminal illness and and he is.

Like, I just got to get it back up there.

And I just watching him going like that the differences that you're actually doing it, because it's like it sucks so bad. He was like, you know, at the height of his shit in the like eighties late eighties, right, he was like on every TV show.

He was like so huge, and now he's.

Just back like with his props doing his magic in like it for a room full of thirty people or whatever, where I was just like, it's just so fucking gutsy to return after basically you know, like I don't know, I mean.

It's just so Yeah, he's one of the It's funny because people like to be like my favorite, my favorite.

Comunions like prior Carlin.

But I'm like, well the age that I am amazing Jonathan, Yeah, Dana Carvey, that like Chopping Broccoli special. Oh yeah, that is like I've watched that stand up social more than anything else, I think, because it was just always on Comedy Central when I was homesick high school.

Yeah, that is probably the biggest comedy special to me.

Yeah, there was a there was a special we used to watch constantly called the Paragon of comedy. And it was this guy who was from the Groundlings, and it was it was the mid eighties and his name was John Paragon and he was John By on Peewee's Playhouse the g Yeah, yeah, he and but this was basically they were I think they were all the Groundlings together. So because because Paul Rubins is in this with John Paragon,

And when I.

Went back and watched it.

Like recently, I was just like, oh no, like it's just all way over developed, characters kind of doing nothing and like doing it like Valley girl voice, Like that's the entire sketches Valley Girl voice.

It was hilarious. But we thought it was like so brilliant.

God, I feel like I've seen it. It's that rings a bell there, it's so distant.

Yeah.

The stand up that stood out to me the most was just stand up was on MTV The A List and the half hour Comedy Hour. Yeah with the I forget the host, but yeah, I just remember those so vividly.

I wonder if I went back and watched them.

Didn't David Spade host half hour Comedy Hour the first time around?

Or Paul Pravenza, Boy.

Not gonna will tell you.

You just keeping I just keep naming people.

No, they all hosted those things.

I think they did.

Half hour Comedy Hour works was actually like the week I start I think I've told this story, but the week I.

Started stand up because I'd wanted.

To do it since I was like twelve, and I finally did it when I was nineteen, and I was.

So stoked and I really thought.

I was like, I'm I'm so groundbreaking, I'm like the first female comment to be like me on stage. And then literally like four days later, I saw Jeanine's half hour Comedy Hour, and I burst into tears and ran out, and all my friends gave me shit for so long because I was just like, I was like.

I'm kind of cool and bitchy and blah blah blah and.

This and that, and then it's like Janine with these unbelievable jokes, Like all her jokes were like so rocksal but also interesting and new, and I was just like saying, like, oh, I don't have to stop doing this I'm not only not the first, I'm like a pale comparison, pale version.

Remember when I when I first started, I didn't know how to do stand I didn't get in the stand ups. I took like a four week workshop of the Io West, and our teacher was kind of like a road road lady.

So not not great, not my not my taste, I'll say that way.

There's many styles, many styles, and so who the fuck.

Is anyone to teach anybody.

I spent four weeks arguing with her because I just disagreed with every note that she gave me, and I just remember her at one point being like, you're one of those.

Gene Ruffalo types. I was like, oh, you say it like it's a bad thing.

One thousand percent.

Will demand for you to tell me the name of that.

Oh absolutely, that's some guesses. Uh huh. She has a kick interact. That's the only clue.

I'll go, Well, that's funny too, because really, when stand up started, there was one style, and then there was like slight versions, but for the most part it was very stylistically narrow, and then I think yeah, and then when the nineties came around, it was suddenly like how dare you not be going up going?

So I got married last week? How dare you?

Yeah? Exactly.

I just remember arguing every point. She'd like, we'll take the joke in this direction, but that's not what I want to do.

Yeah.

When I first moved to l A, there there was a woman that a man.

I'm not going to say her name either, but she told me I needed to start doing voices and characters.

To my character. Right now, I really do.

The building choking security guard.

Always got something nuts in his throat.

Gosh all he's constantly a handful of he's throwing into his mouth, and then something bad happened.

My face is red.

I have an allergy.

Actually, why do I keep eating me?

Thank you?

Thank you ladies and gentlemen.

If you ask I delivered that is That was great. Also, my eyes were crossed that whole time.

You were joking.

That was her other note, across your eyes while doing comedy.

I just felt bad for the kid that thought they were crossing their eyes. They were just looking down.

Yeah.

Yeah, you can't just look at the end of your nose.

That's not what it is.

It takes more, you know what's really funny?

There was one year at the All Jane Comedy Festival and Stacy asked Page Hurwitz to do a workshop. So it's like you could go, wait, were you there that year?

I was not there there the Page No.

All of a sudden, I could see you on that stage, like a look on your face, but Pages like, you have to do this with me, because I, you know whatever. But it was like the lady from you know, A Blast Comic standing whatever, and it became it was so exciting and fun to be able to tell people like, here's why you are good at stand up and here's what you're doing that you do not need to fucking do that you're only doing so you can survive around the dudes that you.

Are surrounded by doing standups.

And you have to know the fucking difference because if you fucking open with eleven thousand blow job jokes, that's fine for the open mic you keep going to, but eventually you're going to need to be on television and you're going to have to figure out why the fuck we should listen to you, aside from the titillation that some weirdos will feel. And it was like it I didn't realize I was filled to the brim with fucking advice for people. And there was a girl that got

Like you don't.

And then she tried to say like, well, it's just it's my thing or you know, it's it's much dick, and I was like, no, it's not. It's it's basically your delaying doing stand up. Yeah, so either do it or don't do it, but there's no costume.

Yea, was she free? No?

Was she actually a raccoon?

Although there was a guy that in Austin who I think They did a mystery science theater.

It was a live show called Mister Sinus Theater and it was sold out.

It was sold it was they were great at it and there are skits in between moments in the movie.

But he only did stand up.

He was a professor at ut do stand up once a year during the contest as Skeletor Curses, but it was all jokes about he Man and Castle base Gold.

But they were good.

But he had a skeleton mask and everyone he would do well in the contest and make get to the finals, and all the comics were like.

No, you can't. He's hiding behind a mask.

And I'm like, this is different though, because he becomes Skeletor writes.

Yeah, it was just just mentioning it.

Now, I'm like, that was really a cutting edge for early two thousands.

But it's like he j.

He was doing a character doing stand up, which is still funny because it's almost like you're just doing a one man sketch essentially.

Yeah, which is great.

It was great and everyone was on board, even if they didn't remember The Masters of the Universe.

The whole collection.

You just need the voice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, everyone knew because it was a famous cartoon.

It was so great.

There's a gift that's the best and we've way to go John that we probably talked about it before, but have you seen the one where it's skeleton somebody posted as a gift and it was here's the best exit of all time and it's Skeletor walking through like what

No one else can come through. Have you seen it?

No?

I love it. I can visualize it.

There's no way I should be describing gifts on the spot, yet I'm doing it anyway.

You did you describe the way so he didn't look back, he just punched behind him blindly.

Well, it just the arm comes so so you, as the child viewer watching the cartoon, you're like, skeletor just went through that mirror. But so then there's a they left, like a two second beat, and then the arm comes back through and punches the mirror so that then no one else can come through.

It's really good.

I like that a lot.

I think we've we've put you into the cool zone.

Yeah, this is the right time.

Right, showing up casually late with a box of donuts, not too anxiously early, and you have a box of half half a box and we ate most.

Of the we need to transfer them into.

A plastic box.

It's obvious there's much.

Is in there. There's eight donuts left, twelve of those We're fine.

Good twelve, which means three each.

Okay, all right, yeah.

This is a great This is also a math show. Well, Brandy, we love you. You're the best. Guess you guys a very good Just support me just in life plea.

I've got lots of dates at Brandy Posey dot com real quickly. Also, at the end of this month, beginning of February, I do a thing called the Vagabonnis Road Show where I'm the MC of a bunch of women doing acoustic music and it's some of the girls from Bad Cop, Bad Cop and the Bottom Pops and like punk ladies, and we're doing shows in La San Diego and Coasta, Mesa, anywhere those areas.

The Vagabonni is real show, awesome.

Donnie is like my Bonnie Lies over the Ocean.

Yeah, but like vagabond but we're the Vagabonnies.

God, I love it.

Yeah, it's a pretty good time.

Those shows are really really really really really fun and we want to make it more of a thing. So from there come to that and then brandezzl on Twitter and Instagram and Lady the Lady Beautiful.

I'm in all the ship do it and Chris, what's your plug?

Thank you. I I'm going on tour next month. I'm in I'm going to be in Minneapolis. I'm going to be in Milwaukee.

I'm going to be in Denver and Winnipeg and then and then in March, I'm in Boise, Idaho. So go to my website Chris Faerix dot com.

Get ready to see all the good comics that you love on this podcast in real life.

Support them. It's where they need you the most. Everybody, it is, it is, it is.

You've been listening to. Do you need a ride? D y n they are?

Are you leave the I you want your way back home?

Either way, we want to be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a terminol and gayy. We want to send you off InStyle. You wanna welcome you back home? Tell us all about it.

We scared her? Was it fine?

Malcorn?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Jade do.

With Karen and Chris.

Thanks everyone for listening to our first ever two part episode. I wanted to plug Chris Fairbanks upcoming tour dates. You can find all of them at Chris Fairbanks dot com