S2 - Ep. 29 - Karen and Chris

Are you leave in I you wanna way back home?

Either way, we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a terminol and gay a. We want to send you off InStyle. We want to welcome you back home. Tell us all about it.

We scared her? Was it fine?

Now?

Porn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride.

With Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need a ride? This is Chris.

Fairbanks And this is Karen Kilgariff.

Hello, Karen. How are you?

Oh? Fine? Yeah? Why do you ask?

Oh? Just because I like to mix it up?

I don't usually ask you how you're feeling around? Things are going right off the bat wing.

I feel like we start this podcast every time almost like we're not in the same room a lot of the time, just like you know, it goes into a thing, then another person does a thing.

We're off to the races, right right.

Usually we tell our own stories independent of each other, but simultaneously, almost in spite of each other, never looking at each other, always looking out the opposite window.

Yep, never turning the head toward.

Rocking back and forth, waiting for someone to just bathe.

Me, please help us.

We are recording from an insane aside.

But now today we've changed all that because Chris finally asked me how I am and the answer is not good.

Chris. Oh, no, great, everything's great. It's the holiday season.

Yeah, we're in the midst of it now that you're when you're listening, now we are in.

We are knee deep in holiday season.

It's the nineteenth right, I got yeah, yeah, I mean we're like this. We're ramping up to the week of Christmas, also to the week of Honkkah.

I believe I should know that. I don't know Whennakah is.

I think Honkkah is in a couple days. And here's how I know my sister. Every year, my sister, Adrian and Audrey and I all go bowling together around the holidays.

I don't mean to interrupt, but that we are all in the left turn lane and.

That and that guy went ahead of it.

Oh, well let's follow him. And I am a knife, So you're.

Doing it, I'm gonna do it. Well, why can't we break the law?

He did? He was doing the right thing.

I think he actually and it is a She.

Was just basically saying, I won't wait in line where other people are waiting.

I'm going to break out on my own.

And then it really stood out to me and so I had I leapt right in the middle of your honka story.

No, there's it's just that my sister made herself laugh because the day she wanted us all to go bowling together, she looked on the calendar and it was the first day of Honkkah, so she if I'm right about this, So she sent us all an evite for people that says bowling on Honkah, it's bowling for Hankakah or something like that. She basically made the event about the fact that it's the first day of Honakha.

Right, Okay, yeah, that's a great I wonder if it was it a bullying and those people are on the wrong.

Side of the road and they don't even know it.

They're on the wrong side of the road.

And that person cut, oh, this is a car with hazards. Shit, that's what's happening.

Okay.

Well yeah, and then of course we are the ones that get in ahead on Clayson.

We're on the wrong side of the road, but they're very slow.

They're also fully blocking any yebody coming the.

Other I'm so I don't know what I would do in that situation. I have yet to be the person in the middle of the road with my hazards on, defenseless and waiting for help.

It would be a true nightmare. In Los Angeles, yeah for sure. Yeah, people don't care about other people in this town.

Well, it's it's weird how when you're in that position, it's horrifying, but when you see someone else in it.

You don't forget what it was like.

It's like anytime I'm sick, people are like they don't believe you, or they're like, oh, just tough, tough, tough your.

Way through it or whatever.

Yeah, and then and then once you're in that position, you're like, oh, this is the worst.

I should have been kinder to all the sick people in my life.

And there's so many.

Yeah, there's so many.

Sick left right center. Did you get a flu shot this year, Chris?

I never do because I'm punk rock.

Oh I don't, Yeah, I should. I think I had something that was related to a flu or maybe I ate something bad, but for two days.

I was just basically a brit of filter.

Yeah, hey everyone, At least I didn't get more specific in the diarrhea diaria when you're sliding in the home. Maybe I fail something for diarrhea poy too diarrhea covers. Oh, speaking of guess what I'm doing after this today? Afterwards, I am a media I have costumes in my car. I'm going to remake the nineteen eighty six Ford Tourist commercial and sing the song in a studio. It's all lined up with who with Robert, the guy that shot my special.

Well, fucking thanks for inviting me. I'm the reason you fucking did that in the first place.

Hey, that you you speak too soon. We haven't where the studio stuff happens when I'm back. This is just in the commercial when all the you know tore us for us, and it's showing I'm going to shine a light on how desperately they were trying to show everyone from every walk of life, like around that time that Benetton was doing it, and it was so blatant that and it's a fine line that we're going to walk.

But it's you know, like me as a.

Cowboy, and then my friend who is Native American. We're going to be shaking hands looking into camera. A blind person's going to look but slightly look off good because it's all people looking into camera. And they tried so hard for it to be everyone well, and back then.

It was literally a brand new idea, like representation of diversity was like Coke did it first, or whoever did it first, and everyone else is like or Benetton.

Maybe then they were just like, oh, yeah, this is a good idea.

Oh my god, we should we should show a Mexican family loving, but you can.

Tell it just reeks of a bunch of people high fiving like we did it. Yes, it's an all African American family looking and they drive a tourus.

Yes, it's so so I want to I'll think more about it. But today we're just.

Shooting me as different characters, just to plug me in and test the making it look like eighties footage.

And then you're going to sing the song, and then I'm going to sing the song. Well, if you record this song, can I please being on it?

Please? Will you pay it?

Thank you?

Yes?

And so the reveal will be the song is just going to play and I'm going to We're going to do our best to just cut out the vocals, use the music and then put myles.

You will absolutely get sued, just so you know, right right, this is a car company. I know so many lawyers.

Yeah, we're going to talk about that today too.

Okayb uh, maybe I'll just say for us sober and over and we'll see. Well, I did realize that last night in my in my sleep.

Pa, or can I can I solve this problem?

I just suggested, Yes, you can make it and send it to the Ford Motor Company directly and say we think tauruses need to come back.

In a real way.

We want we want to relaunch the tourist brand and we're going to help you. We've already done a grassroots style on our very popular podcast, so now it's time to do it in in a major scale.

Here's your new.

Commercial, right right, and just basically pitch it to them directly.

So you will be involved with this.

I demand to be thank you. That's great.

I'm so excited because you know I'm not a musician, but I've want to just start a band with you.

And this this is step one.

Yeah.

Yeah, there will just be one reveal in it where like kind of like we are the world. I just have one headphone can being held on my ears singing in a studio. And then so that's the reveal that the guy that's been looking in the camera as all these characters is a be also the singer so brilliant. But yeah, you're right, it would suck to just have it taken down immediately in all the work we're about to do.

Right, But also that's fun.

There's all these loopholes and if you know, we kind of barely adhere to the parody laws when we did that cocktail thing, and I thought it would be taken down. I mean, computers will flag Tom Cruise's face and say no, no, you're not touching our space boy, and I you know, and that stayed up and we kind of we just wrote out the parody law.

You know, this is a genre switch.

That was a big saying, like we're turning it into a comedy thing, and this percentage of the shots are different, and it never got taken down.

I was so surprised.

Maybe it's because it was so overt that it was like it really did. I guess it looked very real, but at the same time watching a person flail in the background of Cocktail. It's not like anyone thought they reshot Cocktail, right, although it was the movie. If you haven't seen, and I know we've talked about this on the show, but if you're listening now and you've never seen Chris Fairbanks put himself into the movie Cocktail, do yourself a favor and YouTube that shit.

It's hilarious Cocktails and dreams.

We're trying to It just would be such a good show to be able to watch a version of a movie edited down with comedians in it.

Yes, and basically here's what we think should be also going on in this movie.

Yes, lots of behind the scenes murder and stalking.

Yes, yea.

But yeah, we're We're just going to do some test shots today. I'm not saying where the whole four tourist video remake is going to be done by the end of the evening because.

I have to fly tomorrow. Well good, it's holiday time.

I will elbow my way into this price.

I'm really glad.

I was going to invite your elbow, but then you just offered it up. I appreciate it, so, yes, yes, the music we do early January I'll tell you where the studio is it.

We're going to lay down some hard Dinna.

I was singing on the way here in my throat there was bubbles gravelly, so I'm not in a state.

To sing me for now.

There's an American car that's exactly what you've been looking for.

This is this is a weird lyric.

Now there is a personal car with the shape and the feel you've never seen before.

I mean car, Yeah, a personal personal car.

They changed a little.

Once the once the wagon commercial came out, they changed the lyrics a little and they went with personal car.

With the shape and the feel you've never seen before.

Well, and the shape was new.

In the early eighties, a Taurus was shaped like a big pill and no one had ever seen that before.

It was very innovative.

And do you know why it was shaped like a pill because everyone was on pills.

It's because Ford, it knows.

Where we're going for the hero and us loud and clear Fords in the future.

Okay, I'm gonna work.

Okay, there's going to be a doctor that keeps my voice from cracking. So when I see the Ford seen the future and now the future is here, and then it goes.

Higher here, so I'm gonna have to change. We're gonna have it. Doctor.

I think I may have done permanent damage to my voicebox.

Just now, can I make a pitch?

Have someone else singing?

No, no, no, just auto tune yourself when you get so when you get to those parts, just get the computer and then it'll sound super fake and be super funny.

I mean, share did it right? We all still love her in Moonstruck.

Many many people do it always just.

Forget me in the future. I'll just sing it like that and then we'll go in and go ye, zip it up, yeah, zip it up a notch.

It's gonna zip all over the place.

Yeah, Because right then it sounded like I was screaming at a softball game, which is great.

Yeah, but that's for it.

I think set down.

I was really committing and I was really putting myself out there, and I really my back started sweat.

And you know, I'm not a singer, but you are. But I want to be.

I have the heart of a singer, and I just like Bruno Kirby and Good Morning Vietnam. I know comedy and I know I can do it. You can't even if I wasn't given the gift of voice like you.

I can will it.

But see, I the gift of my voice is that I know I know good singing and I want to mimic it. But when I go to try to, all I can think about is there are so many people that do this so much better. And then this self sabotage comes on strong.

Yeah. No, I mean you're simplifying it. You also are a good singer.

But it's weird when we're in the car and we're both jokes singing. It's like just two people. It's like, oh, we both are joke singing. Yeah, but then you not to kick it up a notch.

Well, and I will, because at the end of the day, I want to win.

I need Okay, I'm glad you're going to be there in the studio.

Oh, we got an incoming call from my sister. I think this might be the first time.

This is the wrappin. Should we take it?

Let's do it? Wait? Wait? Wait?

Hello? Is that card? I you card? Yeah?

I send you a card?

What for?

Wait?

Laura?

Wait, I have to tell you. We're recording our podcast right now. We're doing Do you need a ride in my car? So you're on the podcast right now? Oh, I.

Yeah, I knew's so great.

And also later whoops, now the podcast started.

Later on, she's gonna call me and get rich and say she's really mad at me, she said.

She said, oh, no, bye, I gotta go.

Oh that's so funny. That was great.

She it's so hilarious to me.

We were raised obviously together a year and a half apart. She could not hate performance. Uh, any kind of like thing like this that we're doing. She hates it so much, really, she she thinks it's so dorky that I.

Do it, Like from the beginning, when I'm like, I'm going to be in.

This play, it's she's like, okay, like she's always thought it was the stupidest, lamest Yeah.

Do you ever go sit, pull.

Out a check and wave it in her face, say, look at all the bills are getting paid.

Snooze test.

I don't know what her job is, teacher, Yeah, and not a lot of money rolling in.

Oh she's gonnas and hates your friend. I haven't even met her yet.

She will laugh her ass off at though, she knows.

And you gotta wear those sweaters and.

Brooches and if it's Halloween.

You have to wear pumpkin earrings, and you just deal every day and not she does. Did I ever tell you? She texted me once and said, you know him? That year she was teaching kindergarten. She goes, you know I'm a kindergarten teacher because I just sneezed and glitter came out of my nose.

Ah.

That's her whole goddamn life.

There's two people that sneeze glitter, and it's teachers and then guys who go to strip clubs.

Yeah, and male strippers.

Okay, is everyone ready with their order?

I can always just blurt something out without thinking.

No, I don't love it when you yell across I am singing, Stephen, Stephen, is it your uge?

No, I'll do the thing last.

I'm the cold brew pumpkin film.

Salted caramel, cold poam.

Okay, do you want a big one?

Just a grunde? Is it a cold?

But also, Stephen, let's get you something to eat.

Oh sure, I'll grab a sandwich.

Stephen. We need to get you, Stephen. We need to get you some help. Do you want to order it yourself?

Sure?

Okay, then we'll roll your window down window this week?

Okay today, Hi, but.

Do you want to order those? Do?

Sure? I'll get the Can I get the cheriso breakfast sandwich? And then no? And then I'll get the salted or salted cream cold foam cold brew?

Sure?

Can we actually get two of those? Grande? And then also can I.

Get a double tall one pump moca double tall?

Okay?

Sorry? Sorry? Will you cancel that? Can I get just a grande black coffee? Does anybody else want anything else? Okay, that's gonna be.

It for sure. So the drinks of the egg sandwich awesome?

Thank you.

This is from Tammy and Tammy. It says Tammy and Tammy Texas like when I sat, I'm sorry.

It's uh, it's the do you need a Lot of Take card? But I love it, it says Tammy.

Oh maybe it's her, that's her Twitter.

Yeah, oh, Tammy Texas, thank you. I didn't realize that was NAT symbol.

And did she hand draw that card?

Well, it's like a stamp, but I think the actual card we're using is from Shannon and Kelly.

I just have a lot I see, I see yeah, because.

There was a little well, I'm gonna be honest, I use some of.

This, Chris, I use ours all the time. Okay, do you even look never look.

Back, don't. This will take care of the remainder if there is.

Okay, I'm not sure how much is on this card.

All right, it's gonna be.

Sorry, that will be off you. I get confused because he's also talking to someone on them, and I always.

Think I just wanted to talk to me.

Yeah, yeah, can you put aside your other duties?

That's it, right? I think so that's it, pros right, thank you. I wanted you to be a more attention to me. I really wanted his attention, and he would not look.

Out for this lunatic.

Sure, sure, you do whatever you want.

Yeah yeah, Betty, you got people to pick up.

So I just a couple of days ago started doing this where I'm just trying to eat like way cleaner and less whatever, and it's a whole thing I've been super excited.

About in doing.

And then I go to Starbucks drive through and just by habit, order what is basically a dessert coffee, right.

Right, I'm not doing that.

It's weird to find out that colorically I could be eating ice cream right now. Yes, it's it's but it is delicious.

This is a sweet one though.

You know me, I'm usually get your Grandpa's black hot coffee.

Right, But Steven started you onto the salted caramel foam lifestyle.

Yeah, it turns out sweets. Are you know? I've been trying to lay off the booze and man, it makes you want sugar.

Yes, it does.

It's really bizarre.

Well because it's sugar. It's like you're just replacing sugar with sugar.

And let's let's be clear. Last night at the Improv Christmas party, I did not.

Lay off sets. I laid in the bad of it.

Did you lay into it?

I swam in it like it's Scrooge McDuck coins. No, I just had some beverages. But it was the only way. It's the only way to hang.

Out with a bunch of comics that are at at a work party.

It's weird, it's crucial. It's like when my sister worked at music Land and the.

Guy that wore a lot of vests and had a mullet would go in on his days off, dressed like he was working and hang out.

No, yeah, he's lonely, he was, and my you know, maybe he liked Lisa.

Oh, I'm sure. I'm sure he did.

I think Lisa's the kind of girl that guys are like, I'll go in all my day off and hang.

Out with her.

Yeah, yeah, she's good times.

Yeah, I think you're right, and she'll appreciate that you said that.

Well, she's I'm a fan of Lisa's and Lisa and I look alike. So yeah, yeah, So any compliment I give to Lisa, I'm giving to myself.

That's the best.

Oh.

Here we are an Atwater Village, Los Angeles, California, a wonderful little neighborhood.

Actually, yes, yes, I I did a stand up performance.

And now what or no, it's tonight here somewhere Tonight.

Club TV or TG Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I think yeah, it's called The Peacock Show or something.

I don't I.

Should know, I should Yes, Well, by the time this is airing, it will have passed.

So oh so fuck it. I bet you killed.

I had a great time.

I haven't been killing I feel like, uh, I've been taking a little break from the joke riding pro oh yeah for multiple months now, and it's starting to scare me. But I just haven't been inspired to write new jokes.

So you're doing old stuff and it's not it's not right you.

I bet you you're Oh wait, hold on, may get over before I tell you some serious wisdom about your own art.

I need to hear it or be reminded you are.

This is why I tried to do stand up again and then stop doing it, because if you know you're phoning it in, that vibe comes across. Let's talk a little bit about how important vibes are, because I know that Hippie's ruined it in the sixties.

The truth of it is, vibes are real.

And when you give off a thing of like, oh this again, I hope they laugh.

They go oh this again? Right.

They pick up on it as an audience in the same way that if you like someone and feel desperate about it, they.

Will be repelled by you, because the.

Vibe is such that it's not drawing anyone to you. It's like grabby Ricci, which no one likes ever.

Right, Right, And I don't even know I'm doing it, but it's unavoidable. When I don't feel like I'm coming from a real place. Everyone notices that even though you think you're a good enough actor to right to make it look like you're having fun. Sometimes it does work, Like sometimes I do a show and I'm like, boy.

I really made them think I was in jo every minute of that.

Or they come up and say, man, it looks like you're having a lot of fun up there, and then I'm like, oh.

And then you let them know.

And then I ruined it by saying, oh, I wasn't.

I hated it.

But yeah, it's getting harder and harder to pretend. I got to write new jokes.

I gotta I don't know, go into a yurt, have some ayahuasca.

Still writing seminar, Listen to old episodes and listen to our funny, funny, you're right riffs.

That'll be my my drug experience. I'll lock myself into a room and listen to our own podcast because there are jokes in there.

That they're jokes. We do them.

They are all over the place. I just haven't recognized them.

We burn them up.

But now, don't do a thing where you're don't do bits that are like our mind the way you're doing with this fucking four tourist commercial.

Oh listen, I was gonna I was gonna ask you.

I come to uh, and yeah, I've wanted to sing this song.

For a while.

No, no, no, it's uh, it's I think, but if we listen back, it's both of our passions.

We discovered it together. We both knew it and loved it.

It is bizarre. You're right, and I was not, to be perfectly.

Honest, I was not acknowledging that together we discovered on this podcast that we both have that song memorized and.

Love it and want to discover it was.

I did kind of a I'm like, well, that's that's my pack because I've sung it on Instagram videos that no one acknowledged. I'm really kind of obsessed with that. I really do think it is a good song. It's a good song for commercial jingles. There is only that and maybe the AutoZone song, which fucking shreds too.

Zone in the Zone, God, did White Snake sing that song? Why does it rock so hard?

It probably is, that's the sad thing.

It's probably h Dondalkin David Coverdale, Yes, yeah, David Coverdale.

There certainly is a lot of nice kits in Austin.

Yeah, it's like, oh boy, I mean it's two thousand and one, but that's.

That's not going to fly in a few years, and I was.

Right, Oh, you will be canceled David.

Covering, Oh, okay, last night, I just saw an article or an article depending on whether or not you went to school.

Idiot.

I'm an idiot.

Anyway, I saw an article last night that said our president is impeached. Yes, but then you read into it, and I didn't know what impeached meant. It just means he's going to a trial, well where he will probably not be indicted, because it's like you're being judged, but he by all of your puddy, it's just going to be Republicans saying nope. Also, we helped him on some of the steps.

But of course, did you read.

I think what's very important, which I had that same feeling. I think people get on social media. They get real like it doesn't matter, which no one needs that in this truly democracy is crumbling. No one needs anybody to come and fucking act like E or in the middle of it. Because here's a plus.

We're all just tired.

But yes, I'm getting E or E too. But yeah, but now I'm a little excited. Here's the plus.

Well, here's the plus that he can't be pardoned if he's impeached. And that's what's key, because what those fucking people want to do is make it seem like he never did anything. And this whole thing of like there was actually a Republican senator or senator or congressman who stood up and compared what Trump is going through by being impeached. He is the worst president we've ever had. He's a fucking human disgrace. He is a true psychopath.

He was definitely a senator senator.

I mean it was insanity. That's uh, it's really inappropriate.

So I feel like, though he just won't show up, Like he'll be the first guy that's like, yeah, I didn't show up. I don't have time for that, and they'll be like, what what do we do? Yeah, well you can't arrest him. He's the president. Yeah, but he didn't show up. I think it has never happened before. Yeah, well that's what this whole thing has been.

Like, it's a bunch the Democrats don't know what to do because they've never had a person he just he was during his impeachment. He was also on stage at his own rally, yeah, where he said, that.

Doesn't look like I'm impeached right now, does it.

Yeah, at your own weird rally or weird Nazi rally you've been.

Doing for three years for no reason. Yeah, yeah, ye, but there were there was.

He was saying, there were forty three thousand people at that place, and that place held sixty five hundred people, like the.

Lies, the lies that man tells. It's crazy.

There's a room occupancy sign right above his head. Yeah, Max, people in this room currently.

Sixty five hundred.

And also there were some awesome protesters who got in the middle of that crowd, which is a very dangerous and very scary thing to do, and they held up a sign that said, hey, down, you're fired, like because it was like he got impeached.

Yeah, that's great, that's good.

True.

Y's my golden catchphrase. That's my catchphrase, dare you aim it at my face?

I love it so much, And I think what it means even if he somehow remains, I feel like he will. I think he'll just sit, but he's no. I think it means.

He's not getting reelected. He's not, which is great, but also that's what it.

The thing that people need to start talking about is that the majority of people do not want him to be present.

The majority of people.

This is the truth, and they've just come in and gone the truth isn't the truth. Well, I'm sorry, but it's the truth.

Right.

More people voted for Hillary Clinton. She was the one that was supposed to be the president. This guy stole the election. Everything's a fucking scam. Everything in his life is a scam.

I don't know what else to say.

I'm an expert. It's funny, though, I but there has to be.

Groups of sweet people that listen to us, that love our friendship. It's it's the way we communicate that people are like you guys are we like hearing you talk. But there must be some people out there with Trump. I really like him, and I'm sorry that we're.

I'm sorry that you like him because I disagree with you.

Where my half Mexican niece is not a rapist, and she's not a criminal, and she's not a bad person, and her father is a great person. And I that kind of racism doesn't belong in this country. And fuck you for pretending like that doesn't matter, because it does.

Yeah that and fuck you. But also thank.

You for a question, thank you for the stars.

Appreciating we're comedy in our comedy, the way we communicate together, the coffee, coffee.

But again, but.

Meanwhile, children are in cages.

Meanwhile, very bad things are happening to people who don't deserve it, and that's not okay just because you want a super yacht someday.

Yeah.

There, when I meet someone that is a sweet person or it seems kind, it's just they they're somehow believing that it isn't happening.

Because because Fox News.

Tells you that's bad.

Yeah, we invite you to listen to any other news.

A dangerous What a dangerous entity that Fox News is? It really is.

It's not good.

Yeah, it's really scary. It was.

It was really strange for me to go visit April Richardson, who's a sweet friend of mine, and go to her house and her mom was watching that and they were kind of they had Trump hats everywhere and and and but I did. That was the first time I had ever watched because it was on every TV in their house. Yes, And I actually sat and watched it, and it's like, oh, this is and I'm sure there's another end of that, you know, but not as dangerous as Fox. It's the misinformation that they're.

Just it's lies.

It was weird, really weird.

It's really weird.

I'm just saying right now, we're saying things everyone knows, but I really I didn't. I had never watched it. Like I'm not saying like I'm so cool that I'd never even watched it, but I did.

I was raised in place I've always been in places where.

It's just not on the TVs.

Yeah, so until you're in your your friend's parents' house and it's on TV.

That's the only time you're ever gonna watch it.

Man, it's scary, scary, it's it's state run propaganda.

It's nuts, totally nuts.

Well, thank you for listening to our liberal agenda.

Well, but it's weird because this is it's such an extreme situation. It's not I feel like in the past, I've always gone, yeah, there's everybody is a criminal on both sides. That's what politics is, right, you know, but the both sides is was easier before. But now we're into an area where but Trump passed a thing trying to say that Jews aren't Americans, like we're in a.

Real state here, you're yeah, I don't know about that. Yeah, well look it up.

I can't explain it correct specific it's disturbing.

It's basically saying that that being.

Jewish isn't a isn't a It's like the world. I don't know what the correct words are. It's like, it's not a race, it's a this, it's not so. It's basically saying you're not automatically American.

Race versus religion or something.

It's something like that. But I don't know the croc god.

But it's very extreme and it's not good. And it's absolutely following that like Hitler playbook. It's crazy and it's bad. Everybody needs to pull their head out.

I always thought that he was just catering to that group because they happen to start liking him, and he's like, sure, I'll pretend to be racist personal appeal to these these minions that have But no, I think he actually is.

He actually is like, oh no, the.

Dad was in the KKK, the dad, his father, it's all in the family.

Wow, it's real.

Okay, I need to do more research because that's disturbing. Well, the good news is there's articles that says impeached.

Hi, what about that sign saying he had very good handwriting that I know, but it said something about Frankenstein.

Did you see it? It was beautiful cursive it said it said something.

First of all, you can't this is not the season for well written Halloween signs.

No, it's you're three months behind.

I was given a letter. I'm who am I ksek. I got a letter.

The other day from a little boy.

It reads Casey. This one goes out to Scoomy Doomy.

Do he did? Both ways? He did? That's the only my second. I'm just cycling through my old character do it.

But the my neighbors invited me to their their Christmas celebration, and it really made me cheer up because I just waved to them and stuff, and her handwriting looked like a cursive font. Their Mexican family, and they had a word for the day.

I wish I knew what.

It begins with a P and it was a specific ceremony.

God, I wish I wuld remembered. But they invited me, and I'm going to be in Montana and.

I Christmas ceremony p An.

I wish I had the note with me.

I was going to bring it just to show you this panhandlele.

They've invited me to the skinny part of Texas, to.

The Upper Peninsula in Michigan.

Well, I think I've said before. My apartment. They the guy that lives on the other side of me. Yeah, yeah, So I am in their family home. Essentially the two apartments are a brother and sister on either side of me, and they're really.

Sweet and they invited me to their Christmas things.

So do you think it's a good It's like a Mexican tradition of Christmas that they've invited you to see.

Yeah, she said, we're getting together for Christmas celebration on the twenty third, and it is called and it started with a pe.

So if anyone knows that word, please let me know.

I definitely don't.

Yeah, yeah, I wish.

I was thinking, because there is like the there's one that my family does because they're so Catholic, that's after Christmas. It's in January and it's basically the celebration. It's not it sounds a little bit like advent Ooh you can see.

See I'm just an idiot. And I was like, no, it's a Latino thing. It was, it's probably a Catholic thing. And I just don't know about religion. Yeah, maybe I grew up in.

An atheist, all white peron. I just like that that I'm being invited to.

A thing, yes, and that you're basically getting You're going to marry into this family.

But I can't. They are really sweet.

People, Yeah, get in there.

I just don't know that there's any I think I'll just end up being somebody's roommate. I haven't seen I'm available ladies, ladies in jail. It's it's a mostly dude family.

How is that possible?

I know, I know the ladies.

Yeah, I think they just live in an apartment down the street or something.

But every ladies are kept the whole swhere.

The whole family lives in the neighborhood. I've run into them.

Are you is your brother named Alex? And they're like yep, And I'm like, okay.

He's a good friend of mine.

Yeah, it's I really like my new neighborhood. And I've put in an alarm system.

We just drove by Julian McCullough and Meg.

Really yes, I was like, wait a second, I recognize those Did they see us? So the No, I recognize them because Meg's hair is pink. Right now, this was pretty distinctive.

There, you're fun party. It's so much fun. You had a party and it was so fun. Yes, such fun friends.

Thank you.

I've really worked over the years to get the social circle down to only the goods.

Yeah, none of the bad.

See, if I had a party, you'd notice that we're a few batties.

Yeah, because I feel guilty, I'm like, I got to keep them in. They did this.

For me, right, No, No, sure, they ride the White Horse every once in a while, and one's a choker, but they.

Got me into comedy.

Hears Now, do you mean that this person wears chokers or choke let's just make it okay?

Yeah, I don't.

I didn't like wear The other joke was based in no reality but triggering for all it's a guy that wears chokers.

But sure, sure group l lady in the hat, What are you doing?

Lady in the hat?

Lady in that hat.

It's funny because I don't see a lady in the hat, so I you are seeing one.

Oh where this lady in this car right now?

Oh okay.

It's the thing that everyone does in Los Angeles, and it makes me mad is when they're trying to get somewhere and you're going by there being forced to wait for you to pass, they just start rolling toward you. It almost like to say, I don't want to wait anymore?

Yeah yeah, yeah yeah. But what if I'm diagonal and you can see him.

Trying and I could roll forward and not be diagonal. I'm just not doing it.

Oh and then you hot, there's a full car length in front of them, and you're and then you tap on the horn and then they're like oh okay, and then they just go a few inches yes, just to rub.

It in just a single time. It's like every.

Move that they're making is trying to get under.

My skin, and I resent it.

Cut to anytime you're in a car doing that same thing and just simply not noticing.

Right, Oh, I didn't.

Know you were Sorry, don't be so mad, God, it's sorry.

The other side of the story always, yeah, two sides there is always.

Let's do a Steven check in really quick to make sure he's not nauseous anymore.

And how you're feeling.

I'm feeling better, no real, yeah, okay, I just don't want to eat them.

Kristen liked that Stephen was getting attention, so.

We just it is fucking latte all over his I'm like a baby wants carrot meal, but I'm in front.

I just spit coffee onto a freshly washed T shirt.

You have to switch that out. Did the sandwich do the job?

I can't. It's against the engineer's code to eat on the podcast.

Oh but I think, but the nausea you like, you can make an exception.

I think it's the rapper. The rapper is bad.

And then but you're not a smacky food falling out of your mouth as you eat.

And don't tell the other engineers. Certainly, certainly, No, this.

Is definitely special circumstances. At Christmas time, Steven has an upset stomach. I'm taking the hit for us.

I have a friend. He works for Sauna Carry. He's a mechanical engineer. Can I tell him?

Sure?

I love engineer jokes.

Did you see that? Come?

I know because you engineered it so perfectly.

Delivery comedy engineer. Come on? Did someone forget about me? This brain engineer? Train engineer came in there? Oh?

Man, but you just said it.

I did. Oh yeah, I did just say what he was. I didn't let the joke play out. Train engineer. That guy comes in?

What other kinds of engineers are there? Everybody right into do you need to ride? At Gmail?

Dot biz in all caps yelling at me for being an idiot?

Oh look, the roads closed. We haven't really had that on the podcast. Yeah, road closure.

I hope it's a farmer's market and or a shooting.

Oh my god. This is let's go into inappropriate joke time.

Because Blanka Patch, who is one of the greats on Twitter if you don't follow, he's so fucking good.

And yesterday he did a run of want to feel.

Old jokes, and the one I retreated was want to feel old and go ahead and pawn those cufflings you got for being appalled there at Jimmy Duranty's funeral. Okay, so that's the one that's on my But then the other one he did, want to feel old drive through a farmer's mark.

It's so dark.

But oh my god, I think he worded it better than that, but want to feel old drive your car through a farmer's market horrified.

Oh and if you don't know, because I think that that famously, the.

La one was an old guy.

It's always an old guy that thinks the break is the gas.

Yeah, and it was at the grove, right, is that what you're thinking?

It was in Santa Monica?

Oh wow, the one I'm thinking.

There's an I was just hanging out at the grove one day, because you know, i'd be groving if I'm not. If I'm not at the Glen Americana, then you're gros hiding in.

A bush watching you buy sweaters from your sister. I be growthing, we be groving.

Please stop, please stop talking like God, no, no, you groving.

No, leveland I was sitting there and there, but say, like a curb.

Was smashed and they were like, oh, an old guy. It was like mid block.

It was like he turned perpendicular to everything and just drove and he just ran into cars and then I think.

Maybe a person got bruised, but it was yeah, it's a thing that happens. And that's such a funny joke. Horrible, explain the joke.

It's horrible.

But also like the one that happened in Santa Monica was so bad because you know, it's see that where they're just rolling at you.

There's nowhere to go except for into my car.

The one that happened in Santa Monica, and I think it was ten years ago, I would say.

It was so the uh.

Precariousness of setting up a farmer's market where it's like, clearly we're all going to stand around and mill around on this one block and we're just gonna put some cones up.

Everyone understands that you don't drive down here.

Trust Yeah, it's the nineteen fifties. We know that you won't.

There's no like cement blocks to keep anybody from driving down.

It's just like you're not going to and then one horror like that. It was so shockingly horrible when that happened. And then tragedy plus time equals comedy.

Yes, yes, yes, has there been enough time? It's a it's a I think there is.

Yeah, and also just lightly you lightly point toward it. You don't have to go into it and make jokes all about the incredible pain and destruction.

And Blaane's joke isn't it's it just happens that happens to be a dark one.

The joke is want to feel old and then you show haha.

This is Macaulay Culkin now, and then it's not it's someone else, Like I've seen that joke. Yeah, but he's just saying what to feel old and then do it and then talking about the.

Worst thing that can happen when you're old.

Essentially that in Jimmy Joanny's cuplinsh.

He's such a funny.

He's and again I'm sure to have him on the podcast, Yes we should. I don't know if he does podcasts, well, he does, he does NERD poker and he does a Dungeons and Dragons podcast.

He would be on our podcast.

Okay, let's we'll contact.

Him and yes we got in twenty twenty, we're going to have guests again, even though it's fun to just do it with you.

So much easier.

Yeah, it's easy, it's easy.

But and then and then James Fritz, we were going to have on. I shot over the week. This past week, I shot a little pilot thing and James was in it, and he plays this bumbling illan for he had like a two minute scene where he's just sifting through this will and Testament and not He's like not a real lawyer. So the things that were coming out of his mouth that I guess are from his childhood in the side he's from like Kentucky or something. He's at one point he's like, blah blah blah.

U.

Enough, don't boris on with the chorus. There's just little U detail boris on with the chorus. I've never heard that, and it's probably a it's just there's so many Southern he he really is it on my face and tell me it's rain and type.

Yeah. He's one of the funniest stand ups truly. That like like if you if you love.

Stand up comedy, you're listening right now. James Furtz has an album out. It's so good. It is gat and he's and the album art, the album cover is brilliant, like everything about it.

I just love that guy.

And he's one of those people that's like he's in la and he's just he's just grinding at it and killing. I actually had to follow him the last time I did stand up, which will be the last time I do stand up. He was so good I should have asked to not follow him because he's just an amazing well.

He does it all the time.

It's illegal to change lanes in the middle of the intersection trampas.

So are those frames he's wearing, Sally Jesse Rafe all frames. Oh with that haircut.

Hold on a second, because he has a bumper sticker that says Spiritual wild Child, purplev dot.

Com dot com dot.

Com Yeah, who, yeah, who, zoom zoom zoom yeay, zoom zoom zoom sorry.

Just all the taglines that you can think of.

But Janie, he's a uh.

Sometimes you don't know when because there was in this thing we shot. It was my manager's clients mostly and everyone was a great actor, and then there were some actual actors in it that have been in movies and things that I recognize.

And then you.

See like what a real actor does, like casual, not trying.

But they can be funny too.

Is of course fun to see real actors be funny, and then see comedians know how to act. It's my favorite two things. Yes, because it doesn't always happen.

It doesn't always happen. And I think as a comedian. I told myself when I moved to Los Angeles, you know I can do both, but most people can't. And it's like you learn a very difficult thanks sir.

Yeah, yeah, you're not even street cleaning, but driving the speed of street cleaning.

And also not using your signal. So I'm waiting.

His brushes were up.

Look, I have a problem with every car on the road today.

Yeah, oh Grandma, Oh my god, why.

Did we have three triple take eye contacts?

Because I did the thing to her that I was just complaining about, which is coming at her wall.

She was doing the thing.

I fast, right, it's really the honest truth.

Oh shit, we're on the other side of the closed road right now. Oh no, oh no, we're in the we're in the mix now. Okay, I guess we'll have to go down here because we can't go up there.

Well, no, we're going, and we should head back. I'm worried about we really should.

I gotta, I gotta, I gotta shoot some tourist reactions tell us.

Oh, but what I was gonna say is, when I moved to Los Angeles, I really comforted myself with the fact that like, yeah, actors can act, but comedians are the only ones that are funny. And when the shingles smell from my eyes about that idea that actually the people that moved to Los Angeles can do everything and are good looking, it was very very.

Yeah, yeah, when you see those people.

Yeah, there was a guy that I was scene with and he I apparently was in Clint Eastwood movies and stuff. He's I recognized him a little, but he was a handsome but scary looking, like he could play a scary soldier.

And he was intimidating.

And and a real actor and good luck, you know.

And then and then he was funny as hell.

Yeah, it's heartbreaking.

He was playing the straight guy but was totally aiding me and my jokes.

I was.

I was really impressed. And we didn't It's not like we became He's like, okay, I see you later, and he left like yeah, it was just a standard job and he did. He knew everything. I didn't know the lines.

I was like.

I was like, I have to can we read through this? And he's like, well, of course I memorized it. I already Oh spam risk.

Oh, get out of here.

You know what's weird. I don't remember doing this podcast for this long. I don't remember ever getting calls during the podcast, and now we've gotten too.

Huh.

Oh, I can't wait.

We should the podcast is on again.

God damn it. Oh my god, everybody leave me alone.

You're actually getting called by podcasts.

On speaker phone.

Listen to me now.

The buddy was phound in the Twisted Burning Wreck.

That's from Peebee Large Marge.

Let's wrap it up with some Christmas wishes.

Oh, I think that I'm really putting a lot on this year. Okay, twenty twenty. I always it's going to be. It's going to be a great year. I'm very excited.

Yes you should be.

And wishes are coming right up, real specific ones. Okay, I'm going.

To make an effort to become, for the first time ever a joke writer.

For my own stand up.

It's almost embarrassing that all I do is think of an idea and or tweet something, and then I get on stage and work it out at the expense of an audience who could probably wants to hear a finished thing. I need to start writing again, Like I don't sit down, and I really don't sit and write things out hard not have notebooks.

It's hard with where you free write.

And you're like, I'm going to just talk about this as an exercise, right. It's the further I get from the days of me being in school, the more stubborn I am as an adult about doing homework.

It's so weird.

Can I tell you My friend Albertina and I were just talking about this because she is a writer. She worked on the Tonight Show for years and now she's out here and she's kind of submitting for different stuff and she's talking about submitting for an award show and she was worried about the same thing.

And I said, when I.

Used to be in that position, I would just get up and every morning write twenty jokes about topical stuff, purely for the exercise of doing it, and then you actually do You don't you're not sitting down going have to I have to write jokes that I'm going to use tonight. You sit down and do the exercise of writing jokes for the sake of doing that, and then see what comes out of that. Ye, Like, give yourself more room than the assignment and the execution of the assignment.

Is writing jokes about too?

You're right, I need to remember that.

I like also writing jokes, like writing short jokes, even though most comedy is changing an audience that want to hear about you and they want to hear stories, and I.

Don't I like doing that.

Also, look at this but personalized license.

I wa I got to start nerd nerds. The other day.

It at Lasens, where I eat most of my meals. It's a grocery store near my house. There was a one of those new BMW exotic sports cars that.

It's I think.

It's a hybrid also, but it looks like a Lamborghini but it's a We've.

All yeah, yeah, that's kind of fly.

Like yeah, and they have like accents of blue all over them. He had he had a license plate that said narcissist and he was parked in a handicaps. So it was everything all at once. And there was a girl next to me, like she's a young girl. But I had to be like, look are you looking at this car? I need to know who's driving that? And she was like, oh, yeah, one an asshole. And then she pulled out her keys and went no, she made the noise. She was making a joke. She was like,

And uh and then you're like, will you please date me?

No?

No, I actually sorry the other day in the grocery store, I'm like, that was really funny when you did that BMW nurse assist joke.

She's like yep, She's like I know, I know, don't worry.

She was like, I was really excited when I thought of it.

It's so good.

Yeah, it was really.

Fun first, like and I thought you really meant it was hers. I was just like, oh my god, everything about that is amazing.

You know.

When she pulled out her keys, it was horrifying, and she knew she was and she milked it and then she just made a sound effen.

She's like, yeah, what if it was me? That was so funny.

Let's give it a draw. The next time you see her, let's learn her name.

Yeah, and this is called Everyday Comedy with Chris Fairman.

Those chairs, I'm taking them.

Take them. They're right by the garbage.

Are they yours? No, they're nice white office chairs.

Yeah, get them. I'm gonna they're covered in urine.

Good, so half my work is done. She's gonna bring them home and piss on them.

You know me, don't even worry about it.

I think, well, twenty twenty, what are your dreams? Hearen I have that writing thing?

Okay, you're going to do more writing. I'm going to I'm going to socialize.

More and have more parties because You're party was fun.

No, I'm going to have monthly parties yay, because that's gonna be my new thing. And I'm gonna start wearing kaftans, guys. Merry Christmas, Mary, Happy Holidays, Happy Holidays, happy Hanukah, yes, whatever else.

You celebrate everything and everything.

They're all fun, they're all great.

It's uh, it's the holidays in general. But it's uh but happy all of it. Did your butt feel hot this show? Because the all the seat heaters were I always call.

Them heats theaters, and that's that's always a that's an accidental thing, but it's kind of funny. Yes, my my ass is quite clammy. Okay, that's a good note. It is happy holidays. It's the most wonderful time of the year and you get to be around your family and man, is my butt sweaty.

We will talk to you in the new year, and thank you for listening. Thank you for following us over if you did to when we got reset onto our new network this year we had this podcast has really.

Has really kind of grown a lot in spite.

Of us right investing time and energy and do it right.

And it's almost like that is appreciated.

Yeah, we really, we really like that we put little to no effort and assure you that we will put no more.

Effort other than guess we're gonna have guests.

Yes, because we've got so many people that want to do it and that we love.

We just and we can we will be able to. But thank you all so much.

Big surprises coming in twenty twenty. Yeah, you'll see.

Good one, and thank you all for all the Starbucks cards we've been given.

We so appreciate it.

If we haven't used yours yet, we may have privately and just not given you props.

Yeah yeah, but we really thank you.

I have a backpack of them. By the time I get to it, it might be twenty twenty one.

Oh what if we were going to be in free coffee until twenty twenty five? Okay, thank you, and Stephen, thank you for being our engineer in the back.

See thanks Steve. And I feel like I won't ever look back and said thank you. Oh you're very well. And when I did that, I didn't look at him. I just tilted my head in the cornal direction power mouth. Well I got a hurt neck. You've been listening? Do you need a ride?

Why n A R are leaving? I you wanna way back? Either way?

We want to be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and they turning on and gage. We want to send you off inside. We want to welcome you back home. Tell us all about it.

We scared her? Was it fine? Mal porn?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

With Karen and Chris.

Twenty nineteen. I did it.

I was really hot, and I didn't. I don't acknowledge it.