S2 - Ep. 27 - Q&A Episode, Part 3!

Are you leave in I you wanna way back home?

Either way, we want to be there. Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and.

Give us time and a terminol and gay a.

We want to send you off InStyle.

We want to welcome you back home. Tell us all about it.

We scared her? Was it fine?

Now?

Porn?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need.

With Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need a ride? My name is Chris Fairbanks.

My name is Karen Colgara.

Never said my name is I know what am I? Eminem?

But here's the hi? What who my names?

Fairbanks?

Remember the power of Eminem At the time when he came out, it was a white doctor dre approved rapper.

Yeah.

Yeah, even the Beastie Boys didn't have that stamp.

I know.

I would get excited when certain people would like the Beastie Boys, and then Eminem came along and.

I was like, Oh, it's over, it's over, It's next level.

Do I still like him though?

Eminem?

Yes? Like the question. Here's the thing he made me like spaghetti again. He really.

Spaghetti is one of the funniest works. Uh barf or just eating straight off the plate.

I am impressed with what he can do, but I never really liked him. And because he's like, oh, I'm super serious, and I get mad at me.

He gets mad and then he loves to talk about beating and killing his ex partner, right, which I don't love in terms of feeling really like a.

Reasonable He's got beating and killing ex partner lyrics.

Yep, wow, several And I'm not a fan and I know that, so get with it.

Well. I like when he is mean to Ray Romano in whatever.

Movie that was Welcome to Mooseport.

No, yeah, he was in several seasons of Northern exposure.

Welcome to News. Okay, Yeah, I know you're.

Talking about classic Ray Romano film.

Yeah that's what everyone that was on the tip of everyone's tongue.

Yes, it's kind of the movie people love to talk about, Welcome to Mooseport.

What else is anything going on?

Uh? With my body? I'm glad you asked.

I am riddled with unbridled pain and I do not know why I can go skateboarding now I can fall on my face hip I went bowling for five games, and now I walk like John.

Wayne with heel implants. Did you know that's why he limped?

He was self conscious, but that he wasn't tall and he put big wedges in his boots.

Oh, and that's why John Wayne limped.

You said, heel implants, which is a different thing than than putting lists alone.

High heels in his own heels.

Yes, they didn't make him yet. He just uses breasts put him.

In his feet weird fifties points of breast, so it's very Whenever he walked on said, they'd be like, here comes jel Oh, but I'm kind of attracted to the bottom of his speed.

Clear the set.

So I can masturbate.

To the Duke's. Everyone is a perv in the Hollywood.

Oh god, aren't they?

Though?

What are we to start?

I went bowling and I'm very sore. Both shouldered my hir I'm walking.

I was going to say to you, is that you you talk about being in this physical pain? Sure, I am go on to then describe what is essentially an eighth grader's birthday party that you seem to need to participate in every weekend, Like, here's the thing anyone on.

Our age, or I'll say your age and then up to my age. That's what's going to happen. Bowling is hard work.

It is like a kettlebell workout. It is.

And I was using a new heavy ball, like I'm actually trying to learn how to bowl where you spin it and uh so I got a real ball that's way to Yeah, it's lopsided.

And it helps it spen.

And i was starting to get the hang of it. So I'm like, let's bowl another game. Got first of all, I spent one hundred bucks on bowling.

Member, it's not cheap when it was a quarter, No, it's never been a quarter.

You jam your fingers in these municipal holes and then you go eat chicken wings with the same hand.

Yeap.

Then you go back and then you do some more.

No, I go back to complain that I've worms.

It is one of the dirtier pastime. It is.

And my buddy Jim was like, everyone knows you eat with your left hand and bowl with your right.

I'm like, oh yeah, two hands. I forgot.

Usually I wiped this onund in the cheese cloth and let it dangle uselessly.

Yeah.

Really, no one in my family knows this.

It is.

Yeah, I had a great time.

I didn't bowl well because I'm trying to learn this new style, but I am so sore.

And also it's been too Yeah. Also I have the fingers of the chicken feathers and yeah, so that's all I did limping around.

That's good though.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean I feel like after after forty, limping is a big part of life. Yeah, exactly, just as a it's a weekly occurrence.

You can really look forward to it.

I've just been bragging about being back at one hundred percent. Yeah, because I ran once and I've been able to sort of skateboard, but I went bowling and that that made me bed ridden.

You can really laid in bed next day.

Well that's fine, but I mean, like you can. You can be back one hundred percent, but still, like, have you impact your body?

Yeah, yeah, it's it's there and it's happening. But a little ice. And how about you? You ready for your big tour?

I am? I mean I did some.

I did some my sport, which is light shopping at Macy's. Yeah no, and I'm very sore, but yeah, I mean I don't That's the thing is we we had it. We had it down to such a science at the beginning of the year, the touring that now when it comes up, I just I know how to pack the bag. I know that even though I want to take twenty things, I'm only going to wear three, Like I can kind

Right, it doesn't get flat.

Yeah, all the different tricks, Yeah, show tricks I call, Yeah, of course stage stage craft and yeah, so I'm I'm definitely excited.

Do you have a list?

One night before I travel, I just decided I'm going to consult a list. Who I likedre bag? Well, you know, underwear usually all the underwear I possess. Now that's new I've got I bought on the road. Yeah, why to pack underwear when you can just come back with it?

Well, and also I go to pack underwear and then go do I actually only have six working pair of underwear? Like if I go on a ten day trip, I'm already down four like, it's strange discovering that stuff about, like I will, I will wear underwear till I'm like, is this from the eighties?

There's it's just yeah, I'm a grown woman.

I should have nice underwear minimum at all times.

Yeah, I have a lot of. I have a lot of, you know, weekend underwear.

Private.

I call it the private collection, which means you're absolutely positive no one's ever going.

To look at it.

And that's the private collection that makes it sound fancy. You can make yourself feel better where it's actually like, I'm terribly alone with my private collection underwear.

But look now on my website for my lonely reserve. You too can hold in the center of a butt cheek for no reason. What am I sitting on?

Tax?

What's happening?

Why do I have buttholes?

What is.

Oh?

It's for script extrement, Yes, the main one.

They're ugly, ugly, you're rearing their ugly rears.

Come on, don't force me into it.

You know I'm on board.

We are in the midt, we're in the we're beginning another Q and A episode.

Because they're fun.

Yes, they spark new stories and they're interactive.

And you guys get to have a say. What's what's more fun than that? In podcasting, where you never get to have a say in what you listen to? We say you do? Yeah, we say who else? Sound their promises that no one will talk to you about us? Come back to our thing. No one's left. They're listening.

Yes, Yes, what am I saying? No, don't even get up for that sandwich.

Don't get to put it down.

It's too late.

If you do any sandwich right this second, which one would it be?

I'm starting this Q and ahl right now.

Do you want me to answer yes?

Because I just thought how delicious it would be to have a cream I love cream sandwiches, just heavy cream poured on wheat bread.

Oh, just like during the famine.

No, I was gonna say, a cheese sandwich, A plain cheese sandwich on bread, maybe with a couple of pickles on there.

But it doesn't even have to be.

And you're not scared of a tuna mel.

I am hot tuna? No, thank you, No.

That's I've seen you eat tuna in front of me.

You've you've seen me eat tuna salad. I would never eat it heated up. Oh okay, so I'm a. I will enjoy it tuna salad sandwich, sure, but if it's heated, I will leave that restaurant.

I like that. Just temperature can make it a salad.

That's because that's all the different.

I don't tuna with mayonnaise in it should never be heated.

That's disgusting. It's disgusting.

Yeah, I suppose it is.

If I really think about warm mayonnaise, you probably.

Yeah, I don't like it.

What's your sandwich, emergency sandwich?

I'm sorry, but it is a tuna melt.

Here.

Yeah, I was trying to bring you over to the dark warm side.

Sorry. I will not go to that fish side hot fish.

And you know what when someone does there.

I had a roommate and Ben, that used to steam his tuna just above the boiled water that was coming from the ramen that he is about to mix it in.

Everyone complained about the smell.

Of tuna, and I thought it was just, you know, reminded me of home, Ma, Mama, Mamay, cat foods sandwiches.

That guy, okay, and a Cadillac SUV just peeled out from the light. That's some nerd shit. I'm sorry.

Now they're going slow. Yeah, They're like, he just wants to make sure he still has it.

He's like, look, I did buy a Tan per Lescent Cadillac SUV, but I'm young inside, is what he was.

Just the message he was trying.

Yeah, oh I've gone, I'm mid block. Now, let's get old.

Let's let's calm it down. There's a crosswalk right up here by Cheetahs strip club. Let's calmet, Darryl.

You don't want to run over some lady of the night's child.

Please, No, I can know what I mean.

The entertainer of the.

Ignorant, Yes, entertainer of the year usually because that is a grit. One of the better strip clubs.

Oh god, it's with great establishment. They shoot Comedy Central things there.

Of course, the storytelling things happen on the strippery catwalk well, because.

Comedians love the idea, yeah, that they can quote unquote get a stripper, right, which is like, I think kind of ironic.

Yeah, yeah, I think it's funny when anyone tries to connect comedy with sex having in any way.

And also just that the reflection would be like, you're so sexy.

You told these stupid, fucking self indulgent jokes that's that a super hot woman who makes money being hot, she likes you like that is the most self kind of congratulatory bullshit of all the self congratulatory bullshit that comedy does.

That's one of my least favorites.

Yeah, it's up there.

And uh, there's a bunch of other stuff.

I don't know.

There's mother layer out sexist bullshit that I don't like anyhow, Let's not get into it, Steve.

Let's have a first question.

The April Society says, you can hear the sound of the ice cream man's truck steadily approach it from.

Down the street. You make it outside just in time to flag them down. What do you buy?

See, I've had a joke about this where my mom said the ice cream man only plays music when they're out of ice cream, which is just silly.

You know.

I thought that would be a good But I'm you know, I'm I'm boring when it comes to ice cream. Okay, I think that I will look for something that is kind of like a drumstick and anything vanilla dipped in any kind of chocolate, any nuts involved.

That's what I go. That's what you like?

Yeah, I don't go for these, you know, red, white and blue rocket.

Pops or whatever.

Oh, that one's good.

I know, it's just not for me.

Okay, I mean I'm with you in that.

When there's choices between like fruit sour flavor and a chocolate y ice cream thing, yeah, I'll always also go for chocolate ice cream, but not vanilla coated in chocolate.

That's not good enough for me. I need it to be chalked through and through.

Yeah, I'm yeah, we differ there.

I don't really have a sweet tooth or I've tried in Still it's in my mouth and I'm like, oh, you mean the best thing I've ever had in here, But I do crave often Snickers ice cream bars.

Those things are amazing.

I will go, I will go to a destiny, I will leave my house, I will get in my car to go purchase one.

Well what's cool about those? Is they really?

It is just like eating a Snickers, except for the nugat is now vanilla ice cream. Yeah, they designed it it like architecturally the same as a Snickers.

Yeah. Have you always like Snickers but no one in the world, including you, likes nugat.

Well, welcome to the world of vanilla ice cream melting in your mouth with each chocolatey bite Snickers.

It is satisfying. And then this version is cold. But my answers would be fudgeacle. I think just if I had to do the quick thing. But really the truth of it is because the ice cream man that was in our friend's neighborhood. Because the ice cream man never came out as far as the neighborhood we lived in ever, So it only happened when we were at a friend's house and that ice cream man had had those real long red red ropes, remember the licorice ropes that were

Oh so he had like a dry area.

Yes, it wasn't all cream based treats.

That only in Pedaloma, right, we had it all. It was a fantasy world.

I had no idea how good I had it.

Okay, if you want a few sorry.

Paradise drive of two Pedaluma, they are all the longest lickor is there's nothing Tuma.

Tuna. There's nothing tuna. They promised that.

Chris will stop talking Abouttoona.

I can't stop. I got tune of fever. Seriously, I'm hot hot fever. It stop, I'm breaking a sweat. I have hot tune of fever.

Okay.

Question two from RMD rmvder what's the biggest earthquake you've experienced?

Oh, good question. Funnily enough, it was in Montana. That was the first one I remember. But I do recall all of the cupboards, like my cupboards hung down from the ceiling.

Yeah, in my.

Childhood home, and they were waving in a way that I didn't know wood could bend.

Oh.

And we have all these earthquakes now in Los Angele of course in Los Angeles and people are like, did you feel the seven point two? And I'm like, yeah, kind of right. I mean I don't know if I'm just always in my car, yeah, but I nothing will stand out more than that earthquake in the I think late eighties in Missoula, Montana.

If someone lives there, then I remember it was a big one. That's crazy. People talked about it and there's no fault line.

Right, that's really scary because that's it doesn't happen there, Like that's like a tornado happening in California.

You don't you wouldn't be prepared.

I didn't want it to happen there, knowing what I know about play tectonics there. Yellowstone Park essentially is a giant flat volcano.

Yeah, and you know, ready to go.

You don't want to poke that with a stick. You also don't want to jump off after your dog if your dog.

Jumps into one of those calderas.

Yeah, calderas, thank you, You're welcome with us with them, because there's one that's about to go.

They're like, they're like, there's this one that when it goes, it's over for everybody.

You know what if that's how we go what? I talk about this a lot, but you know the way things are going right now. If it's a called era, Oh, let it be a called just a wave pouring on me with houses, neighbors, houses landing on me, I'd be like, oh, thank god.

It's just this, yeah, as opposed to what we all fear every g D day.

Of our lives. Yeah, yeah, and we know the rock's going to sweep in and save us.

I guess the biggest earthquake I've been in aside from that film, that great film. Was it fault Line? I think so or something like that.

Like the backup, everyone dies except the Rock and his family. I think, yeah, that's right, people won't mind. Yeah, I died and I saw my neighborhood. I know I'm dead in this movie, Well, too.

Bad, and the Rock lives and so do other beautiful people with insane proportions.

I still look for my name in the credits.

I get nervous during that movie because the Rock goes to save his daughter, who is so uh. She's the girl from the first season of True Detective that has the affair with Woody Harrelson. Oh wow, is a technically super hot gal.

She's very naked in that movie. I seem to sort of recall.

I mean, right in the corner of your mind in in San Andreas, when the Rock goes to rescue her.

I'm like, they're going to get together, and that's real.

Yeah.

I was nervous about it, except he's I think he's a focused, asexual man.

I think he just has a slander.

Yeah, focus, you.

Don't wear a black fanny pack and a black turtleneck together.

Oh I love that picture of him.

Yeah.

Well that's because it's a non threat for everyone, for everyone except for theater majors.

Like he's going to get the part instead of me.

Look at that unshakable confidence.

It's a triple threat.

Turtleneck, fanny pack, pleated jeans.

He had it all in that picture.

So here's my great story of being a native Californian for the big earthquake. The big one then happened in nineteen eighty nine. I was in Sacramento. So it happened in San Francisco.

That's the one where the Bay Bridge collapsed, yeah itself.

Yeah, yeah, And my father was still a working San Francisco fireman, and Pedalama felt it, but they felt it much much smaller, obviously than in the city.

He was working San Francisco fireman.

And then everybody called him, was like, are you going to go into the city, are you going.

To go help?

And my dad kept going, now, I'll wait till they call me.

My dad did not do the thing that everyone talks about firemen doing in horrible situations, were like and then everyone was on duty and everybody showed up and pitched in My Dad was like, Nana, I'm gonna wait.

I'm gonna wait and see what they say. He's just like, I'm not going in there.

Well, so anyways, the fireman should be paid more.

That's oh yeah, they're they're really suffering, those unionized firemen.

But I was in Sacramento for that one, so that only was like.

A weird wave feeling because sacrament is two hours away and it was like way out of the zone. Then I had I lived in San Francisco. I hadn't yet moved to LA for the ninety four earthquake, the big one in LA.

I moved there a month later, so basically I have.

And then I was in Hawaii for this last one in LA that was very recently.

That was like seven point one. Sure, yeah, I was in Hawaii, So I've missed all the ones I was supposed to have hit.

Wow, you're just saving up for the big one.

Huh, I'm gonna I'm saving it for the Caldera baby.

I'll show up for that. I'll be right on the rim, just a.

Baby that rises from the boiling waters of the cold again.

The lava baby will save me, soft little hands.

Okay, next question, Okay, at super bon Bond eighty eight says, growing up, what celebrity posters did you have on your bedroom wall?

Great question, amazing question.

Yeah.

It's funny because I always tell people this. I had a I had walls dedicated to different skateboarders.

My sister had Duran Duran walls that she had one for John.

You know, and I Taylor, yeah yeah, and and I had one just dedicated to Jason Lee. Everyone knows him as the actor or the guy from my name is Earl, but he was one of the more innovative street skaters.

Today's birthday, actually.

Wow, yeah, yeah, super yeah, I am on dork. Yeah yeah, well it's everyone on Instagram is commending his history. He's still owns a skate company. Cool, he's kind of gone back to that world. But I, you know, when he is in Mall Rats and everything, I was like, how how is this happening? How is this skateboarder suddenly this actor person that it never happened.

I I feel like I can answer, yes, he was, he is was and is just an absolutely beautiful man. Oh really, aside from being I mean, in my opinion, aside.

From being talented. So obviously he's like a good, you know, athlete, sport skateboarder guy.

Yeah.

Yeah, but like he's put together really nice.

It's so funny because I just remember him from skate videos.

I need, his hair seemed unwashed and like he was skilly, like he was one of the dirty or skaters. Yeah dirty, yeah yeah yeah wow. Well, I you know, I agree now that he's a handsome guy.

He's a very handsome man. He's really nicely assembled.

I had on my walls a poster of The Outsiders. Oh yeah, I mean because in the height of my poster time Duran Durant because I'm the same.

Age as or So. Sure sure so.

I also had Duran Durant that I had ripped out of teen Beat or Tiger Beat magazine. Sure sure, So they weren't really posters, they were pages of a magazine in mine.

Yes, of course, they're all from Thrasher magazine. It was just right paper and stapled it to the Yeah, put some scotch tape up there. Ripped the paint down later. But I had The Outsiders.

Then I had a super cool arty poster of James Dean, which was a strange early mid eighties trend of all of a sudden fifty stuff got repopular. Sure, so James Dean for some reason was a cool poster and I had it like we got frowning he It was basically an artist rendition of him from Reble without a Cause, where he's yeah, he's his brow is furrowed and just like looking on at Meming.

He's supposed to be the coolest guy ever, but it seems like in every photo he won, he's loitering. He's not going into the cafe, he's just smoking outside. Yeah, with his Porsche park diagonally in the spot, like where are you going to learn to drive that thing?

And then of course and then oh, ironically he heard it, well you know, yeah, so that's I think.

Yeah, those were.

My big Yeah, please let me put this up mom, and my mom going no.

Take that down? Yeah. The War, the Forever War. Also one time, I think one of the first posters I ever put up, what's that? Hopefully just a bag?

Please not a shiny cat?

Sorry it was way a cat.

Now Steven's gonna walk away with a limp. No.

One of the first posters I ever put up from from Tiger Tiger Beat magazine was Sean Cassidy who was just the king of entertainment. When I was like seven years old. He was in the Hardy Boys TV show Sure with Parker Stevenson, and then he also then released an album.

Maybe Stevenson's The Blonde Guy Parker Stevenson.

He was later married to Kurse the Ali in the eighties, okay, and he Yeah, of the two, he was the older hardy boy and Shawn Castidy was the younger.

Sure, always trying to solve what had happened in a lighthouse.

Exactly every single week, and yet I had to tune in. But then he recorded this album and it was He's a really good singer, and so then we loved him even more for more reasons and we're more freaked out. And I remember one time my poster fell off the wall, like the tape failed or whatever, and so my mom was sweeping my room because I linoleum, and she started jokingly sweeping up the poster of Sean Casty and she goes,

Yeah, Like, AIC's your mom suggesting you should have started to get into Harryman at that point.

Yes, he doesn't even have a single back hair.

This man is in no way a bear.

Yeah, and she didn't like it anyway.

Want my daughter seeing a full grown brunnie paper towel man.

She had her tastes, Yeah, and I had mine.

Oh lord, Yeah, all right?

Next question, all.

Right from Kylie Danger y'all asks what are the worst what are the worst weather conditions y'all have driven in m.

I mean, I think back to growing up in Montana. We would drive to ski areas with snowboards bungee corded to the top of the car. One time the hood flew open we don't on one of my friend's shitty cars and bent over the snowboards on the and we still strapped it down and we couldn't see. We spun and landed in a snowbank. Everyone had two wheel drive cars like we were not. We all had four hundred dollar used cars.

Yeah. And I would drive in the most ice trucker.

Like legit scary mountain passes going through Idaho or through Washington or in my teenage years, see your parents, I'm going on a road trip on these icy roads and they knew we'd be fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah, so yeah all the time.

Yeah, nothing bad ever happened.

Thank god. Yeah. My worst one was living in San Francisco. I had my dad's Volkswagen. Then he let me use that I like to call mine, but he would constantly remind me it was his. And so it was a seventy one bug and I was in the snow.

Well and in the rain in San Francisco.

Yeah, I one time was downtown trying to get home and I was by myself in this fucking stick.

And I was on this hill that's I think it was Scott Street.

I can't remember which street exactly, but it was basically right up the hill from it was where the the the San Francisco Academy.

Of Art, Yeah, the Art Institute.

The Art Institute. So it's right up the street from Union Square.

And so basically if you're in Union Square in San Francisco, you're it's it's relatively flat.

But if you go I think it would be.

Like Lombard Northwest.

Yes, it's it's this one of the steeper streets that it also has cable car tracks on it. So I was on the street it starts pouring rain, and I realized, when the light turns green, I am on like a forty five degree hill.

Or more, I mean immediately behind.

Yes, No, the car was smart enough, thank fucking God, to stop at the bottom of the hills. So when I went up and then the light turned red, they were three car lengths behind me right, And when the light turned green, I had the emergency break on.

My dad had taught me. Yeah, all of this now, but it's still hard to do that.

I had to ease the breakdown and then do the clutch gas and spun in the rain on the cable car tracks until I could get the traction to go forward.

And if there was a car.

Directly behind me, I would have hit it repeatedly. It was one of the scariest things I've ever had to do. And then I did it and got away with them.

Yeah, Yes, it was pretty intense.

Yeah, neither of us have ever Yeah, we defeated those roads.

We have.

I've also been in many car accidents caused by my own bad driving.

You're a great driver. That surprises me, thank you. Yoh.

Yeah. In the early days, I really couldn't wait to rear in something.

Oh you were drunk.

No duys though, thank fucking God. Yeah me either, Jesus God bless it.

Yes.

Okay, next question, have you ever gotten any dui?

No from Karen Page, Colin asks or at Karen Page, Colin says, a favorite Christmas movie?

And why, oh well, I'm gonna be boring, and because it's a tradition, we still sit down and watch. We both we watch It's a Wonderful Life, and we watch a Christmas story. It just there are other ones out there, but the one that no one has watched that I just love is called One Magic Christmas and has Mary Stein Virgin in it.

Oh, and who's the.

Guy that he passed away a couple of years ago. Uh, and he was kind of a folk singer and he is a very gaunt face, very tall.

Yes, thank you. He's the Christmas Angel in it.

And he was always kind of creepy in a way that later I watch it and I'm like, he's not creepy at all.

What was I worried about?

But it is a Christmas movie where she it's kind of like, uh, It's a Wonderful Life where she loses everything and sees what life would be without her kids.

But her kids die, her kids and husband dying. This I'm gonna yeah.

They launch off a bridge in icy water and she's sitting. It's a Disney movie. No, yeah, and back when they weren't, you know, making Star Wars and all this other scandalous, sinful shit and making you buy a new TV to watch it or whatever to help people.

Doing God, that guy's hauling ass.

Oh yeah, well look at his legs. He's a specimen.

Huh Wow, too early for that sweater though, really the same one. It's a horse card again, and it's a beauty he really is. Actually, can we talk to that guy?

I want to borrow that.

It can use a triple X and a horse sweater.

But yeah, it's it's a very grim story, but then it has an amazing payoff. I really think One Magic Christmas is great, but it's it doesn't hold up. You watch it and you're like, what, No, you will be yelling at the TV. Am I really running this hot? Your window's clear in my side. It's like a transition lens.

Yeah, that's you. It's your breath, It's all your air.

Okay, Karen, do I've had breath known that series?

I've never smelled bad, brother, Okay, thank you, right, not in all the years.

I'm a flosser and I'm a swasher and I'm a swisher sweet cigar smoker.

It's not helping.

Okay, Off of that recommendation, I'm just going to say, and I may have said this before on this show.

I almost said on this fucking show, but for no reason.

There's a movie called Dead of Winter starring I believe, and I'm ninety nine percent positive it's starring Mary Stein Virgin oh wow, and she It is one of the creepiest, scariest movies. That's so good, so crazy, very satisfying. If you like movies like that. Dead of Winter. It's from the late eighties.

Maybe yeah, late eighties. I got to see it and it is.

Very crazy, disturbing, good thriller movie.

There's yeah. I love that.

There was a movie called Black Christmas, which surprise is made by the guy who made a Christmas story that Bob I forget his name, The sweetest movie ever about you know, only a good thing, that Black Christmas. And there's a new one and I don't know if it's based on the old one, but I love scary Christmas movies.

It's sorry, Mine is not scary. I mean, Mine's not a Christmas movie. I was just recommending it because it was Mary.

Steinberg Okay, I thought Dead a Winter just reeks.

Of being well, actually maybe it could be.

It is Mary Steenburgen.

Is it a Christmas movie?

I can't say it's not a Christmas movie.

Oh okay, yeah.

A fledgling actress has learned to a remote mansion for a screen test, soon discovering.

Don't because that's the beauty of this movie is you will be so shocked when you see what happens in this movie. It's really good. But I love Mary Steinburgen. My Christmas movie recommendation. The first movie that came to mind, even though we absolutely watch and rewatch Christmas Story every year, you just have to. It's what families do when they don't know what else to do with themselves.

It's non stop scrolling on TBS. Yes, it's just.

There for you.

Yes, the first movie that came to mind, so I have to say it is The Family Stone, which is a kind of charming but also kind of obnoxious family Christmas movie. But there's first of all, Rachel McAdams is in it, who truly is one of my favorite actresses. That surprised me because normally a woman that pretty, that's an actress I would write off or want to but she is so good and compelling to watch on TV and everything I mean in everything I see her in.

And it's one of the most charming, realistic.

Seeming like thing where what it's about is like actual love doesn't work, Like, oh, you guys both work in banking, so you're gonna then you're gonna have this successful life together. Like it's not usually about people being the same or coming from the same area. It's like about chemistry and people striking other people as like, oh my god, I kind of love that person in it, and it's all like follows that feel and it's I adore it.

Oh wow, I've never seen it. I'll watch this year. It's time to introduce something new to the Fairbanks household.

Yeah, give it a try.

But it's also corny, and there's parts of it that are kind of embarrassing, but I really like it.

Sure, Okay, all right?

Follow up to these Christmas question the April Society asks do you believe?

Did you believe in Santa Claus? And what made you stop?

I'm embarrassingly believed in Santa Claus till I was in my maybe thirteen. Yeah, because my sister played along and she never lied to me except with this, and she would play along.

You know, she's six years older than me.

Yeah, And I would stay in her bed on Christmas Eve and we would get so she would at least pretend to be excited with me in a way where it just took it in all my other friends where you know, there's no Santa and they're smoking cigarettes.

And I was just like, oh, that's what you guys think.

Because my sister, even though she knew at that point it was the guy that my dad did radio with, she had seen Santa Claus and she would tell me that story. Like we've said, meanwhile, there's no talk of Jesus or anything. There's never mentioned Christmas. But but yeah, but my dad always for someone that wasn't religious. Man, he got us into Christmas and my sister backed it up. And I really thought Santa Claus was a guy. And then he'd do things where, oh, I think there's something

I'd be living a different life.

It was baby Jesus, though baby he's not.

There's blood doesn't come into it till the East still celebrating his birthday, blood with droplets of blood.

Yes, you eat his blood, You drink his blood. You drink it and eat it. That's what it's about. Okay, So.

Basically, the short my short answer is I discovered I really I put together that Santa and my mom had the same handwriting, because on the on all the little tags it would say to Karen from Santa. But I was like, but that is my mother's writing, if I've ever seen any And so I was actually very embittered by the idea that there was this lying uh thing.

The elf on the shelf moved and did this and did that, and I was just like Laura.

And then my sister said, I have a plan when she when some kid ruins this for her. I have the plane, which is a letter that she had been she had been recommending to parents and giving to kids and whatever the transition she is a Yeah, basically she's you know, being a kindergarten teacher, first grade teacher. She was there for a lot of kids when they were like, wait a second, is this not real? And that's when she hits them with it is real because it's human

Yeah. Yeah, and I think my sister was there doing that.

Yes, of course she wanted you.

She wanted you to have the good feeling she had for as long as you could.

Yeah.

So it isn't about people don't want to lie.

How prone I was to anger, she knew would this a little monster happy? I have to sleep next to him just on Christmas Eve's.

But I also think that's what happens with the little kids.

You know, I was the youngest too, And when you like we spend so much time with our older cousins, they fuck with you, They fuck with you and then they also like lie to you for your benefit in ways where you know.

That's why I got a hip to it.

Very early, because I was always like, someone's either lying or they're going to like prank me somehow, So I have to get ahead of these teens always.

Yeah, I think that.

Yeah, it's just important for kids to believe in magic or something that you know they're going to lose when they're an adult.

Keep that going, yes, because also that magic is real. The magic is human being giving a shit about each other. Truly at the end of the day.

That sounds like it's straight at the end of the Rachel McAdams smoothy.

I just think of all the kids, the unsupervised children who did believe in Santa Claus until this episode of this piece of shit body.

Oh no, don't mass we say fuck a lot.

Yeah, don't leave them out of it, okay.

Uh oh from Buttercup Randy at Buttercup r.

Andy, that's my favorite wrestler, my little Buttercupry, sweet little Buttercuperry.

They ask, what's something you love to eat as a kid that you wouldn't touch.

Now, buttercuper Andy. So I hate them. By the handful. Oh the rappers were so loud as a kid. W uh.

You know, I was a deep in the frozen burrito game, just as a latchkey kit. You know, you come home, there's a couple hours where you just party and you much ductails.

You eat multiple.

Frozen burritos even though you're only supposed to have one, and you know, I starve in.

The whole day.

Yeah yeah, just oh, and I still that's my gross indulgement.

Indulgence is where or whatever the word indulgence.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I just go to seven eleven and I'll sometimes get the grossest lard infused the gross are the better bean and cheese breeding Hell yeah, yeah, I want one now.

Yeah.

Me and Stephen got him one time from Freder Joe's. He was going down and then I was like, please get me one. I'm starving. And when we had them, I was like, wait a second, I need to have these all the time.

Yeah, So then I made them.

Pick some up the next time we did like office supply run and then I haven't eaten one since.

I was like, oh that was a real time and place.

Yeah that one.

Yeah, Stephen and I were starving in.

The office because I was like, you know that I have my choice. I don't this would not be much. It's like the Christmas spirit spirit you wanted to keep it. Yeah, yes, that was my early cooking too. Is like modifying those you know.

I'd hate to do some of the cooking, of course in the microwave, but then you gotta crisp it up and you bring out one of my mom's pans and just put some oil in there.

And man, I'm getting hungry.

I'm good hungry, you know.

I guess my answer would be and this isn't a choice or whatever, because I eat almost exactly the same way I ate as an abandoned seven year old, sitting on the couch, panicking and starving and lonely, just eating sour dough toast like it was my job. But it's funny to me that in recent years, like doritos used to rule my life, I thought about them constantly. I think I definitely have a serious.

And I'm hiccuping.

Sorry, it's not being edited out.

That is not being it out as a perfect burd.

Something something just happened.

I don't know what it is. Are you okay? Is it happening? Do I need to grab the wheel.

It's not happening anymore.

But like that was I couldn't figure out if I was going to hiccup or like if I was stopped breathing.

And then it was just this weird burd.

If we if we, you have to, we have to get cameras in here before you spend the steering wheel vomit episode cones audio.

What are ruin time? That would be?

I'm just surprised at how what I was saying is. I think I've always had a passion for the chemicals that go into processed food. I think they affect me stronger than the average person.

I think it like the second I eat them, I crave them.

Yeah, it's the same thing with fast food. Maybe I'm just average and other people have self control or whatever. But there used to be a time where I was powerless to the to the pull of of Dorito's. Yeah, And so the lately there's been times where I've just been kind of like bored at seven to eleven and like, what could I could have anything I want?

What do I want? Yeah?

And looking at those bags and having absolutely no interest in Doritos anymore is the weirdest feeling right, but it's not.

It's less.

I feel like the warding of that question was kind of like you wouldn't touch it, like it's so disgusting.

I'm not disgusted by them.

It's just that for some reeron I probably had three hundred thousand of them.

So my system is like, yeah, we're done, we know, we know.

Yeah.

It's just like anything or sex or whatever when you discover it late. Like in my house there were not doritos, and in that time there were not flaming hot friedos. Yeah, but oh my god, flaming hot Fridos. Turns out they're pretty damn great. Yes, And maybe that's because I lived in Texas, where one of the local cuisines is pouring Chili Hill FreeDOS.

Yes, like really, we just don't give a fuck here.

Yeah right, it's taken care of. You get to have that for dinner.

Yeah, tex It's.

Got me into fritos, and now I'm like, I might as well drink doctor pepper and go all the way.

I love fucking fritos, but I can only eat because I think they're so satisfying. Because they put triple the amount of salt on fritos that they put on any other chip. Yeah, it's like a condensed corn salt experience.

Yeah, I'm a salty tongued man. Yeah, yeah, that's what I want.

Yeah, all right, I think we did it.

We did that. Yeah, we did that. We did it good. Oh no, I'm.

Perfectly Oh right, now you have it.

It's like half yond, half burn, half hiccup. It's the weirdest.

I'm tired and not I'm hungry, all.

Right at any gag.

One, If you could only have one of these colors, if you could only have one of these powers, would you bake dancing really well, always have the perfect comeback, or being able to find a clean bathroom whenever you need one, the perfect comeback.

I already have all those powers. I have every single one of them.

Yes, you travel with a lot of bleach.

I only go to Starbucks bathrooms. Been working on the comeback thing for quite some time. Yeah, and then the dance thing I was born with.

Yeah.

I wish that I was a person that later was like I should have said this, because I'm a person that's like I should not have said that. I should not have blurted that out just because it's in my head. Who do I think I am. Yes, I never late thinking oh, this would have got them. No, I've been getting them. And guess what it feels bad. People feels really bad when.

They deserve it. It really doesn't feel great.

It lessens you.

I'm really good at hurting you.

Yeah, I've said to people many times, you don't want this, don't do this, you don't want this. I will, as my friend Alicia Gonzalez used to say, who's way fucking funnier than me?

Don't make me make you cry?

And that is I've had that because also for a long time, especially in my teens and twenties, I literally couldn't.

Control what came out of my mouth.

Yeah, if you like triggered me in a certain emotional way, the mouth would go and I would just be following along behind it, right to devastation of many.

Yeah, and you think you want it, You think.

You want it, But I will figure out the perfect metaphor where you will never stop thinking about the.

Thing I criticize you on for the rest of your life.

Yeah.

There are people, random, drunk monster people that have taken swings at me and I've said things that hurt them to the core.

And I still feel bad about it.

And I'll be walking in the middle of the day smelling flowers and then all of a sudden, I flinch and there's an audible exhale, and I feel bad what I said to Jake Solomon of the Solomon Brothers.

One of them broke my nose. You think that I would whatever, But.

That's just it is. It's one thing to incur the hurt. It's so ironic. It hurts more to intentionally hurt other people. It really does. And there's one things I said casually of like what For a long time, I was always like, people don't get me.

And it's like, no, no, no, they get you. They don't like it. They don't like you.

Yeah, they don't like this ability that you think is so charming, kind of like funny and off a cup.

It's not.

Yeah, I still want to have the best comeback, because there are perfect ones where it's like, oh, there was a levels of kindness and irony and the delivery of that was benign and the point was made and I'm not angry, Like, the perfect comeback doesn't have to be where you hurt someone all the time. You know, that's what makes it perfect. It's like makes them think and then they change their mind about who they're going to be for the rest of their life. Yes, that's the

Be a slam.

It's like a permanent readjustment of who they are as people.

Yeah. Yeah, No.

Every once in a while, I'll have a comeback and it's like, what am I a yoga master?

Why did I just make that guy feel sensitive? Oh?

God?

Yeah? I like those ones the best. I think of those.

The best is A lady was yelling at me about throwing a bag of dog shit into a garbage can in my neighborhood where it's like, that's what garbage cans are for. Yeah, yeah, And she was doing this thing like I was this interloper from outside the neighborhood. It was a rich neighborhood, so I was like, fuck you, lady, I'm as rich as you are.

But what I ended up doing was.

Letting her yell, letting her yell, and then I just stared at her and I said, I think you're mad about something else. Oh yeah, which is it's so mean in its object dismissal of Basically, I see that you're a damaged old Gal's basically what I said to her, because she hurt my feelings by saying I don't think you're rich enough to live here, and I was like, that's just because I don't brush.

My hair.

Anyway.

I'm ignoring the fanciest brushes, my lady.

Every brush in my house is boor bristle, poor bristle, and unused and imported.

You'll never see that. They're still in the wrapper.

I'm gonna throw two away in your name tonight.

Because your father was me and to you, Okay, should we do just Yeah?

I think a couple more will be doing.

This has been quite an episode.

It's fun.

We've almost thrown up.

I've learned a lot. I really have learned a lot from that last one. Yeah, that really gotta know. That was kind of fun people. Yeah, yeah, I agree.

Yeah, that's our new thing.

Yeah, well I'm not. We're not. You know, it's it's but being.

Nice, you know, it's it's a it's a ticking time bomb.

We grew up in a culture where which is of comedy, where being able to have the best meanus comeback was always only a badge of honor, and then that all changed in two thousand and three with the advent of the Internet and all of a sudden, everyone was everyone else's best friends and it wasn't cool to say the meanest thing that you could to other people. And we had to make this adjustment. So we've it's been real. It's been a tornado of feelings inside of us this

I've avoided them, Yeah, because I know, I don't think anyone's gonna me laughing when I actually hurt the other comics feelings now or Pop Saggert or whoever's the guest that night.

Oh. I do have to say, though, I have ghost written a couple times for people that were in roast battle, which is such a hard thing to do.

And you don't know the person. Yeah, yeah, I've I have.

Well, you know what it is is, I've only helped when it was people I didn't like, right, So the person that would be doing it, they'd be like, hey, can you help me with some jokes for this?

And I'd be like, who are you roasting? And then they name the person.

I'm like absolutely, yeah, yeah, I'll be there with bells on.

Yeah. I think the rule is it.

Should be someone that you either respect or know or like, and then you can your jokes are going to more clever.

At LORI met if the car gets a flat during the podcast, who's changing the tire?

I will would you guess? Yes? Super? And I will make you time me.

Will you put all the bolts into the budge?

I do have Triple A, and I just resigned up for it because triple A I have Triple A is a thing that I get and then let expire. All it basically is you can do a little graph of when I have money and when I don't. That's and it's just based on if I belong to Triple A or not at the time and this last time, because yeah it's here, but years so it's like nope, we're not we're not flush enough to have triple A.

This year.

Well, I signed up for it again because I was like, I'm in the clear.

I can have triple A.

And then someone goes, yeah, but don't you automatically have that with the car that you bought?

And I'm like, yeah, yeah, I sure do.

So no, no, I have it with my insurance.

You can change the tire while other people change that.

I've grown up with shitty cars and I've used a jack so many times that you know, I think that I am good at changing a tire into a spare. If the spare is flat, however, let's call triple A great. Sometimes they get flat.

Okay, then we'll keep it as a backup.

Yes, but use me first, and.

Answers Chris, all right, do you think you have one more?

Yeah, I'm good.

I'm to think at at Melo MICHAELA.

If you could use only one condiment for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Not mayonnaise?

Yeah, I'm either.

I'm a mustard man, I always have been, and I almost put mayonnaise in the same category as ketchup. However, when you mix them, something happens to me, and.

That's called you travel to the Thousand Islands.

Maybe I just.

Need to take more leisure leisurely plane trips. Then I wanted to eat that's.

Horrible secret sauce. That's no secret to anyone. I think.

I think I have to go with ketchup because it's so crucial to French fries.

Yeah, and hamburgers.

Like you know what, I have my hamburgers and my French fries with mustard, and I really people look at me weird. My sister and I are when we would have we go to a pizza place and she would make me ask for mustard, Like, pretend you're younger than you are and asked for mustard. I'm embarrassed because you'd you put it on the remaining crust. You're suddenly you're in a soft pretzel sage. Oh yeah, mustard does a lot of good things for a lot of bready stone.

Ellises, bready stamellis.

Get with it. Yeah, mustard, My choice is mustard.

Okay, that salt is great too.

Yeah, it's pretty nice.

All right.

I'll piggyback off of this one at Man Kisses, what are your favorite types of or least favorite least favorite types of potatoes? Fries, mashed potatoes, grotten, et cetera.

Uh, this is where the Q and A turns very self indulgence. They're just like, hmm, what do I like in this specific subset of food?

Well, Man Kisses, I think that, Yeah, you go ahead. I don't.

I'm not a big potato guy, I've never grew up in a famine.

First of all, offensive.

Listen, I'll take many types of potatoes except those fucking red skinned ones. I do not like a red skinned potato in any any part of my life.

It's that does I mean sweet potato fries?

No, no, no, sweet potatoes are like kind of a different thing. I mean the you know, it's oh yeah, it's the only way to describe it.

Yeah, not Russic, yeah yeah, not.

A brown skin potato, but a red there. It's thin, it's grown there. They're basically the corn, beef and cabbage potatoes and that.

Yeah. Yeah, So.

I think, of course like McDonald's French fries are primo potato.

But I love, admire and respect a twice baked potato.

Sure.

Have you ever had one of those, like a family holiday? Oh yeah, they're the greatest invention.

Yeah, because it's.

Just your potato filled with crap that you shouldn't probably be eating.

Yeah, and then and then put back in for another baking process.

Yeah, we did this, do it. Now, we're going to do that. That's what I try and do with my frozen britos. Time for phase two.

You fold in some soer cream.

Yeah, I'll do a lot of people won't do it because they're sealed up already. I'll open up that fucker and get it super super specific.

And you'll did you buy a taco bell sour cream shooter? And then shove it right and are done? You mean a guawk nine? Oh my god, we've done it. We've buttoned this podcast perfectly.

Qualk nine.

It's a line of mine, I get.

I told that to Matt Bronger and he used it in a prey. He had a perfect taco bell joke. And so anyway, if someone's.

Like, that's a Broner joke, we both yes, yeah, that's one of That's how so much comedy gets made is situations like that, and so many people who don't do comedy don't know that I had.

Like hey, we thought of this, who's using it? Yeah?

Or or comics watching other comics do sets and then going hey, you know what a great tag of this would be, and then comic goes, thank you so much, this is awesome, and then later on, you know, or.

Like Pete Holmes gave suddenly a four hundred dollars in my venmo is like, hey, that's what you told me after my set is working great, here's some money.

Wow.

Yeah, that's fucking great. Yeah, it's like a bite out of a cookie.

That's pretty nice.

Jesus's teeth, his blood's on the ground talking about it's Christmas.

He's a tiny baby. The only way I can get my kids to go to church.

Sprinkle it. Sprinkle the blood.

We have to go to church and when we come back, the blood will be on the ground.

Mother, this is wine. You've spilled it again.

They another great Q and a sashon God.

That was one of our better sessions. Guys all acoustic.

When you guys show up for our acoustic sets and give your questions, that means we don't have a book a guest and that's so much less work.

On our partner.

You're like that, you're like the best rowdies. Thank you, Thank you so much from both of us, and.

Thank you for to Stephen for getting collecting up all those.

Q and electing the best questions. We're sorry if you sent a question when we didn't answer it, it's because.

We of Steve Steen. He's the selector. If you have a bone to pick, take it it at Stephen Ray cats Mourrick on all social media.

Ray cats right seems realistic. It seems realistic. But I just really gave everyone the slip.

Yeah, oh that was enjoyable. Enjoy your tour. You'll be in the middle of it when this airs.

Yeah, I know, thank you.

I will.

I am in Europe presently. If you're listening to this and having the foggiest time.

Yes, I'm so excited, and I'll be in my living room with a smoke machine because I don't travel.

You've been listening. Do you need a ride? D Yan are.

After hours?

I leave? You want to way back? Either way?

We want to be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim. Give us time and a terminol and gay.

We want to send you off in style. You want to welcome you back home.

Tell us all about every scared he was?

It fine?

Melbourn. Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you ride?

Do you need with Karen and cressm