S2 - Ep. 26 - Karen and Chris

If you're anything like me, you can tell when you're about to be sick. It's always during the holidays, you're getting on planes, you're around family, you're around kids.

I do the same thing.

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Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Ride with Karen and Chris.

Welcome to Do you need a ride? This is Chris Fairbanks.

And this is Karen Kilgareth.

We are driving in the dead of night. Oh aka, it's so late, not five o'clock yet, it's not even I don't know.

Is it like this every year? Yes, but I mean there is something happened. No, no, no, it's I think.

What's happened is Donald Trump as president. So everything seems very dark anyway. And then like the sun, like abandoning us at three point thirty in the afternoon is really adding to it.

I guess it must be that. But part of me thinks the sun is slowly dimming.

Oh, it definitely is. The sun's dying. It'll be dead by twenty thirty five. Okay, so don't have kids act accordingly please, And hey, the bright side don't have to worry about sunscreen. The bright side is there won't be any more bright side.

Well, don't do it.

I feel like I haven't talked to you or seen you in a very long time.

We pre recorded the last few episodes before that.

Yeah, that's great. It has been a multiple weeks, three weeks three at least. Chris, how are you? I'm great guy. Went on a tour. It was so fun.

Ooh, tour highlights please.

I rented a truck because that's what they gave me.

But then I thought, how perfect to drive through the South Texas and Oklahoma and Louisiana while in a truck constantly having the Popeye's theme song in my head.

It was so fun.

And I drove through Love that Chicken from Popeyes, Eazy and fast.

When I was like going fast, I would sing that because I guess I had and figured out the stereo. So I did a lot of singing, did a lot of podcasts listening.

Yeah, I listened to ours, did you?

Because I thought they'd be hidden jokes and I'm clawing to think of new material.

Yeah lately. And did it help?

I mean no, It's just was generally enjoyable. I like the way we talk.

I did.

There wasn't material in there for me or I need to listen to more than a couple episodes, but I had never listened to them.

You know's in to the pilot.

You've never listened to it?

It's embarrassing, but no, I don't. Might want to hear my own muppet voice.

I've I'm also embarrassed to say that I do listen to it because I can't ever ever remember the details of our conversations.

So I genuinely.

Enjoy it as if it's two people.

I don't know, and like I wasn't.

There for it, right, No, that I did experience that. I'm like, I don't have memory of these conversations. And there are moments of brilliance that we just don't in the moment give ourselves credit.

That's who would do that? It would we would run it. Doing that stops everything. Did you hear what we just see? Yeah?

Can we just recap audibly now in the moment?

That would be narcissistic, But hey, that's what everyone's doing these days.

Why can't we do it too?

In Dallas after my show, there was a tornado. We were listening for the sounds of trains. Apparently tornadoes sound like trains, and if you hear a train outside, it's not a train, it's wind that can kill you, and cows and tractors floating Helen Hunt next and hovering.

Above a while on cowback like flying rodeo stars.

And then when I went to New Orleans, there was what appeared to be reminders of a hurricane.

I mean it was a tropical storm.

Yeah, Olga I think her name was, and she was not happy.

Yeah, rarely are.

And driving through New Orleans, it became clear how vulnerable they are when water like the freeway was above just ten feet above water. It's just it's not a bridge. It's just kind of being suspended. And if the water rises at all, there would be no getting out of it.

There's no exits.

You'd think they would. I guess it wasn't like that when they built it.

Maybe not.

Yeah, I want to say poor planning, but I don't want to offend anyone.

Let's not. But yeah, there was.

And there's just houses on the side of the road that were that maybe weren't built up to code or they didn't have permission to build their house.

And it was just elbows deep in water, well as waste. If you're wasteful, probably where your elbows are waste water.

Yes, Oh, I see what it may have been water with waste.

I bet there was waste waste high wastewater with human waste, human waste high.

Oh, holorify it.

It is.

Well, that's a good dog.

That's a good dog, and she's a runner.

That's a puppy running with the mom.

Oh, it's a long pree dog prey. It's everyone with different dogs showcasing them.

What if these three people just got kicked out of the dog park that's right down the street.

Ear somebody was like, get you three out now you are no longer part of this dog show. You call that a well maintained do claw.

And then I get out in a card again and I check the underbelly for winners.

Do you have to check their unders are nice?

Husky genitals? You are the winner, you win.

I think genitals are a big part of winning a dog show. Really, it can't just be coat. It's gotta be balls.

It's gotta be coat behavior, balls and then stairs in tunnel running.

And there's tunnel running, general enthusiasm. How quickly can you eat?

And the only dogs are good at Yeah? Yeah, they do have eat speed.

Do you know that my dog George, I have this new food. Sorry sidebar you, but I have this new dog food that I had to start feeding them because they got sick on their old dog food in a very bad way. So I was like, fine, only the best for you, two assholes that absolutely contribute nothing to this.

Household, And you do they should do more around the house. Yes, and you pick up a little did you go natural balance?

No?

No, I went like the kind that's in the refrigerator at the grocery store that only assholes by. But I was like, fine, we're here now, let's do it.

Jolra dog meat.

Yes, where it's basically like someone made someone a chicken dinner, bald it up into gray balls, and are like, now it's for your dog. So George loves this food so much that she gets up at six thirty in the morning and at around four thirty in the afternoon, that's when she's ready for breakfast and dinner.

Like she's calling the shots. She won't leave me alone.

She sits next to me, stamps her feet, she makes crying noises. So I'm like, fine, but I'm gonna feed you now and you're gonna be starving in six hours whatever. So every time she eats, she's eating like it's her first meal of four days. She did it the other day and then just turned around and immediately barfed. Like, I'm like, you have a severe eating disorder, George. I don't know what to do.

And it's and it's nine and five. It's like a nine to five job eating now.

Well, I mean it's just that normally I would feed them. Normally, you'd just be like a cup of kibble that's just thrown down and they don't really like it and they don't really eat it. But this stuff is like I'm giving them half my burrito essentially, right right, but it's from the store, and they are just like this is the greatest every meal is the greatest meal of their lives.

But it's healthy. They're not like getting bigger.

No, no, no, it's it's really good for them.

Wow.

Yeah. But when George likes it so much, she makes herself through.

Because kibble's, I mean, we've all tried them. My mom would accidentally put it in a saan winter or something. I've had pet food before, no, you know, and the dry stuff is really not good.

No, it isn't.

And when the times I've put Frisky's in my mouth, I do a lot of experimenting when I was little. It is card It is salty cardboard chunks. It's the worst with like.

A light fish flavor, which I don't want anyway.

No, no, if you're going fish, go.

Heavy sardine Leiden.

I love fish.

When people are eating fish and they're like, is this fish fishy?

I want to slap them with a fish.

I fired that most appropriate, just a wet, fresh cat slap to the side of the face with a marlin, because what a silly statement.

Yeah no, no, this fish is beefy.

I would love to be just the most sarcastic fish waiter.

Now, listen, you just wrote a bit.

I don't know if you would listen back to that and be like, oh my god, this fish waiter thing is unbelievable. Yeah yeah, you wouldn't, right, No, but you did, But it is.

I suppose I gotta quip pooh pooing in general. Yes, it's just disgusting. It's human behavior that shouldn't That doesn't win a dog show.

Why should it win a human show? It wins so many humans.

When you see a dog at Westminster and at the end of their run they just lay a hot coiler, they are punished with last place. Why are humans above that?

Can I just say this, A phrase like hot coiler is the kind of boy language that I'm jealous culturally jealous of men about you all sit around trying to be disgusting for each other, right, am I? That's what that's from, right, some kind of friend group where you were all in Tahoe and then everybody needs to make up a new way to say shit right.

In between smelling each other's farts in a cabin.

Yes, men are disgusting, I mean, but it's like it's so fun.

There's a creativity to there's something about it that I'm.

So jealous of hot coilers.

Okay, I think that it makes it think of hair care or to stairs.

Yes, And it does seem like the newest thing from like Dyson, where it's like you have our blow dryer, now use the hot coiler. That's right, put hot shit in your hair. See what happens now, boom Richard Dyson scalp ever, Oh, the new secret to shiny hair.

Shit.

I'm gonna just go ahead and do what I thought I never do is in the moment, congradulately congratulate myself for hot coiler.

You should hot coiler alert.

Coiler alert this is shit. That's fun.

Okay, so that's a second bit we've written. Yes, yes, we're gonna have a fifteen minute, tight fifteen ready for you.

But I write a new thing. I know that's pretty soon. Someone's gonna, you know, offer me. Do you have any new material? You know, let me look at my podcast notes.

Oh yeah, here's a half hour bam boom in your fucking face.

I'm just gonna dictate it and show it to them.

Hold on, we need to talk about Now that we're on this topic, I will introduce it. Your Comedy Central special came out. It was Yes, is coming out.

I'm letting people assume it's a special, but it's not the thing I shot in Portland.

It's a different show.

Yeah, it's called Featuring and it was supposed to be a shorter set, but I went long and they still used all of that.

Well, they say you're good at comedy thanks and I and people have been complimenting it the kind of people I want.

You just got to get on Comedy Central and then have them show people your things and kind of validates you.

Yes, you need validation. Everybody does.

And also you need validation, I think, especially because you get the kind of thing where people tell you how good you are, but it's only like you're you're at that bar right there, you know what I mean. It's like it's always in the same spot. You don't understand. You need the wider spectrum of appreciation. And you know that the people when you do the business or whatever are going.

To like your said other comics.

Yeah, I've always been a comics comic, and I just realized it's maybe because I'm not being presented to civilians.

That's right.

So I've gotten a lot of civilian compliments and that feels great.

I mean, stranger civilian compliments. What more could anyone want.

One time in my neighborhood there was a man and a lot, you know. He was very well dressed. He had a very tall rich man's turban. There was a gem on. He looked like a visiting dignitarian. Oh okay, And he he said, you are lucky to have the face you have. It's a happy face and you're lucky to have it. And I said, well, what a nice thing to tell a stranger. Yes, and I was happy all damn day.

Yes.

He wasn't smiling when he said it, though, he actually looked a little upset, and I.

Think that's what he's like. I always have.

This upset face, even when I go around complimenting people on their happy face, and yet none of it rubs off on my head.

And that makes me unhappy, yes, but.

It's still it put a spring in my step.

It was right when I moved into that neighborhood, and it was a great way to start things.

That's that is a really nice one.

I just if I may go ahead and trampling off, you tell my story of the one time that happened to me.

Someone said you had a lucky face of a winner.

Someone came into a restaurant where I was sitting with my group of friends. This was definitely early two thousands, and this guy came in where you're all eating brunch, so there was probably like six of us at this table. This guy came in off the street and it was like watching a one man show where he stopped and goes, I'm so sorry. I just had to stop and tell you that you were one of the most beautiful people

Is this Gene Simmons.

Yeah, But the guy who was clearly a gay guy, so he was, you know, I think he had he had an affinity for me in that the way that only gay man can for a girl like me. But he also looked a lot like me, So there was part of it that was almost like a compliment to him.

That's in a.

Weird way, recognize that he had.

He had like black irish features. He had big, thick, dark eyebrows and blue eyes, and it was I just I was like, oh, well, thanks, that's amazing, and everyone at the table's gonna care and or whatever, and I was just like.

I think that might have been more about him than it was about it. Does kind of take away from it when they look just like you.

Yes, I'm sorry, but you I went, you are gorgeous. I went to some youth group camp in Estes Park, Colorado, overlooking the Overlook Hotel from The Shining. It's one of the three places they shot The Shining. But there was a kid. Everyone kept coming up and saying, you have a brother here, right, And I'm like, no, I don't. And then I saw this younger, taller, handsomer version of me but his face, and I went up to him. I'm like, oh my gosh, you're the guy that everyone

Didn't see it, but he looked just like me.

It's just I was like the kind of worst posture version of him, a little shorter tin of little feet.

You know.

He looked me up and down.

He's like, oh thank god, Oh yeah, yeah, Tim is maybe the runt of a litter right now, I'm the winning but bro, you.

Know, when we showed sheep and four each we had to.

Hold their the skin that was on either side of their throat and stick our knee in there basically kind of thor ax area, so that their guts would bloat out. And that was basically having like bloaty guts was a plus or sheep practicing firm jiu jitsu is a little bit what I was like, practicing self defense against a sheep that didn't want to be there and was not going to threaten.

Me your army in anyway. Hey, that's how we treat animals.

Hey, look, do you want to get sold for slaughter? They better get like, blow up.

Yeah, let me kick you while you're down, beautiful sheep.

Another great dog? Oh happening? Why is today the street dog Show? It really is? Oh?

And they dog owners really do look like they're pets.

They do.

I mean that guy had a bass at hound face if I've ever seen one.

Do we want to go back to the tour? Any highlights you've missed?

Oh?

I had New Orleans is It was pouring rain in a way that I've never experienced. And Jessica did a great job setting up my tour and finding some of the places provided hotels. Some of them were nice, other ones it was a smaller venue with a Super eight.

I'm not a hotel snob, but in New Orleans it was a.

Bed and breakfast, and I already think that's a strange concept. You're just going in and meeting some ladies, cats and all their belongings are everywhere. And I walked in it looked like they were Everything was boxed up. It was a total mess. It looked like a hoarder house. It immediately seemed very haunted, and I felt uncomfortable in the minute I got there. But I had been driving. Maybe I was in a bad mood. It was pouring rain. They charged me thirty dollars to park in a mud puddle.

You know.

I was being kind of shitty about it, but then I learned that they She's like, well, tonight I have to take my husband to the hospital. It's maybe one of his last visits. And she was really emotional. And then also they were being evicted from this house after being in it for.

Sixty years or something.

Are you serious?

Yeah, And they had five days and they had to pack everything up. Meanwhile, guests who had scheduled to stay there were showing up.

Sure, well, I'm.

Sure, and they probably needed the money, so they weren't canceling people, right, And I, oh.

It was I felt.

I sent her along email and said him, so, I hope your husband's okay. I had a great time. They made my room that looked like a storage room with Oh my god, above the door there was like a neglige that was dusty and it looked like it was the size made for a child. And it was on a hanger above the door, and a fan was blowing on it so all night, and they did make my room.

Look beautiful, albeit very high.

There was a netting over it, so you the malaria mosquitoes can't reach the already sick person who probably died there.

And in the bed, yeah, it was.

It was a room for a dying child and her neglish jay was up. I don't know why I keep saying the word neglige. Let's just stick with nightgown. Nightgowns better. But it was fluttering in the wind at night and it was from a fan and I knew why.

But it was dancing in the darkness, and I was horrified, and I didn't sleep at all. So and I didn't wake up and have their their the breakfast.

I don't want to eat the porridge made by And the man was back, he was out of the hospital and he was making breakfast. I'm like, oh, you should relax, he's apparently terminal.

I don't know. It was an emotional stay.

No, that's not your that's not the burden you need to take on when you're just trying to do some set.

And I took a nap before my show. My alarm didn't go off. I woke up at nine fifteen. The show started at eight thirty. The guy had called me fifteen times that were so I called him in a panic. He said, oh, how close are you? He was freaking out, and I'm like, I'm so sorry. My alarm didn't go off. And I looked and it was a little over a mile away, and I ran in the rain with an umbrella and I got there in eight minutes.

So that are you kidding?

My hip works great.

I got I.

Sprinted and they're you know, that town is riddled with people that want to try out hilarious give me your money pranks like I bet for ten dollars, I can guess where your shoes are.

I was warned about that one.

And then they say they're on Bourbon Street or what you know, and then you have to give them ten dollars or they beat you with some kind of a voodoo stick.

There's a voodoo.

Careful, careful, there's voodoo.

It was I was there on a day of voodoo.

Celebrating voodoo, people were dressed, you know, in Jester hats and cat and the hat hats and steampunk type goggles.

Chris, is there a chance that you ate something weird? In this weird house and this everything else was hallucinating?

I never went on tour. I've been on acid.

For three weeks. It was but I made it.

I made it in the rain, I made it past people trying to trip me.

Even. That's the one thing about New Orleans.

I love it, and it was exciting to be there, albeit for twenty four hours. But it's kind of like Las Vegas and that it's everyone kind of on their worst drunken behavior. Yes, and it's really celebrated, and I kind of don't like that when everyone has permission. It's like the same reason I like to go out on Tuesdays or Wednesdays. Why is that because the weekend Warriors the pagan don't make me ask?

Yeah, it's it's you know, I don't like it when everyone else is doing it. Oh got it?

And Vegas and New Orleans everyone else, they're.

Always doing it. Even on Tuesday and Wednesday.

I'm going home early and reading a book because of this whole city's agreement to engage in debauchery.

Yes, okay, I get it.

Yes, yeah, because I'm no stranger to a debauchery.

No, you like a good debauch, but it's not every day.

I want to be the only debaucher.

I mean, who does it? It was yeah, but that show was so fun.

The people that came to see the podcast fans on the whole tour, it was overwhelming.

And did a bunch of people come, especially to New Orleans.

Really so when I showed up drenched in rain and also sweat breathing painfully because I just sprinted, and the woman opening for me was she was out of materials.

She was really stretching, and I felt so bad.

But I immediately got on stage and I couldn't even breathe, and so they just kind of applauded because I couldn't talk. I was so but my hip felt great the next day, by the way, I just it's one hundred percent.

I can sprint in the rain.

Yes, you have your wheels back.

Yes, God, and these wheels are oiled and ready to race. I love it.

I had so much. I had a great time. That's New Orleans was great.

How many cities did you go too?

I went to Dallas, Tulsa, Oklahoma City. I canceled the show in Houston because the Astros won and I didn't want to compete with that, and so I went.

To Austin, and then I went to Lafayette.

And then I went to New Orleans, and I think I left out cities, and then I went back to Austin to do Cap City, which was great.

Oh nice, good, that's where I started.

And yeah, that's a twenty four year old version of me looking down, I guess from heaven because young.

Me is dead. Yeah, yeah, he is alive, and young Me.

Is proud, yeah, proud and sad to be dead, yes, just.

Like the fifteen year old me is happy that forty four year old me can do kickflips still.

Or whatever, you know what I mean, and has his own apartment.

Yes, yes, really, young me thought I'd never thought I'd always be living in dad's basement.

So yeah, it was the best.

And the fans were the best, and I really had a great times.

Yeah, I love it, and.

I want to go back to New Orleans when I don't have a show and actually experience and.

Help that family yeah, good, yes, yes, stay there and need to tip more soy, that's the people that made up my room.

They put so much care and attention to every little pillow placement, just seeing the contrast of when I arrived and it was a storage room that no one had stayed in for a while.

And then I got.

Back and I was like, oh, I owly I owe these people in apology for my attitude when I first walked into this.

Yeah.

Well, I also think you have the same thing I have, which is when you don't eat, you get set, but you but you never you don't ever go oh, that's this is what's happening. You get upset at yourself that you're upset, yes, when actually you just have a sugar sensitivity and you just need to eat a piece.

Of string cheese.

When I just like, give me the key, I'll fill out the PaperWorks.

She had a whole spiel about here's the map, here's the place to do this. I'm like, I don't have time for this. I have to go eat now. I'm getting so hungry. And I did, and when we were done, I just walked down into the rain without an umbrella, and I just asked people on the street where I should eat.

They're like, well, what do you want anything? I don't have time for specifics.

And I went to a call of port I believe it was called h and just had a couple of drinks and had some.

Burger and it was delicious.

Nice.

Yeah, And I hadn't eaten meat in a long time. That's how hungry I was. I'm like, I need Georgia's dog food right now.

Yeah, and then you ate it, and I would say, she can get it done in about twenty four seconds.

Oh I ate, Yeah, I ate this, hovering over it with my arms hugging the plate like someone was going to steal it. I ate once again at gunpoint, and it was it was really fun. And then I was in a great mood and I really want to go back to New Orleans.

That's great.

Yeah, it's had a great time.

It's so it's I really love I was actually I shouldn't say this, but while you were telling that story, I was kind of thinking separately. It was like, I just love touring. I'm surprised at how much I love touring because I did it when I was young, like I did colleges and stuff like that. But it was always insanely stressful to me, right because I didn't have

To do an hour.

I have maybe thirty five minutes and I can't. And I don't believe in my own ability to like bullshit and improvise.

I felt that way a handful of years ago, like I don't have an hour.

I'm proud of.

I think I finally got to the point where it's like I don't have to worry about doing an hour, And you're right, that's where most of the stress is. It's not from renting a car and waking up, Oh I have five hours to drive today. All that stuff I thought would be bothering me, and it wasn't at all terrific.

I love just so pleasant. Yeah, I just love that. Also, this podcast and the people that support it are what's changing your experience as well.

Yeah, it's it's been overwhelming.

I can't it's every time it's so it makes me so happy, and it's always kind people and they always when someone's like nervous to meet me, like, I'm I've done something other than just riff with you for a few years. It's I'm like, is this really happening. It's keep it coming. I am not a lot of people message later and say I didn't want to bother you, and I'm like, no, no, I'm I feed off of it.

Yes, it turns out I need I need this. I didn't know I needed it. That's what we say all the time.

And people go, do you like when we're in meet and greets and stuff like is this so hard?

You just want to go home? And I go, are you kidding me? No? I was like five years old.

I've been tap dancing for attention like this, and now I finally get it, Like.

It's what I love.

Finally, strangers giving me fine I need.

Finally, people screaming at me for random reasons.

I love it.

Yeah, because if you weren't getting that, it seems like an unhealthy thing to be needing. But once you're giving it, unhealthy thing, yeah, But once you're getting it, it's like this is the healthiest shit ever.

That's right.

It's like this I was right to be unhealthy to need this because it is now. It is like a lifeblood, like it is like a Vitamin B twelve shot in my ego.

Right, And maybe that's why I appreciate it so much, because it's a lifetime of me sticking things up my nose and pulling them out of my mouth or whatever I do in sixth grade, trying to turn my.

Eyelids upside down. Yeah.

Yeah, we're just saying funny things. So I wasn't at Jim Rose Circus side show.

No, but you did it all, but I did.

You didn't see the physical as well as the first voices, sound effects.

Raising your hand. But then your question's weird. It's just a great classroom common.

Acting like I was going to say something, but simply a fart came out of me. Early early attempts finding my voice, and it's finally it feels.

Like it makes sense. Yeah, it's it's it's great.

I'm so glad. You know I didn't perish in my thirties or something. Yeah, me too, because I finally made it.

Additionally, you did, you got, you got to some high ground, and.

I can tell I was happy because I was, even though I was on tour and laying in comfortable beds.

I was waking up like at nine in the morning.

I didn't realize that my sleeping in which I've always done, was maybe a sign that I was depressed or not happy.

I think that's totally Did you sleep on noon? Was pretty easy and typical. And now nine thirty.

You know, if I do go back to sleep, it's a conscious decision, like, nep, I'm tired, I'm going back to sleep now.

Wake up feeling all guilty.

It's when you wake up, Oh my god, it's the dead of day and there's only three more hours a day light left because of farmers a century ago, where we're all setting our clocks this way because they want to go to bed at eight.

Is that? Explain it to me, Explain why? Yes, that's it.

They had to change stuff to make it easier for farmers to produce more because we are a capitalist society.

It's killing us all, yes, And I don't I do not think it ever was getting dark at four point thirty. I just in reality, in like natural times, I would have noticed I would be adjusting to this.

Oh you mean before this year, yeah, yeah, no, no, this year. It's it's darker, faster, there's definitely, but.

It's also the vibe. It's like the vibe.

You wouldn't notice it if everything else felt light and you didn't have to worry about truly, like the breakdown of democracy every day.

Right, So you really do think it's climate political, climate based climate change.

I mean it's climate change, right. The threats are coming from goddamn everywhere. You've got crazy like white people that have decided they can start screaming at people if they feel like it's the threats are coming from.

Everywhere, and the stars and moon are listening, and you, to your drunk redneck.

Uncle, you want light around so that everyone can see what's happening and everyone's safe. And when the sun starts going down, it's like, I don't know what's going to happen now, I don't know what evil is going to come out, and they're already it's already out.

Yep, what else can happen? Yeah, it might as well get dark.

This is the weather equivalent of giving your some the Midwest biker a microphone and telling you how he feels.

Does that make no?

Of course it didn't. Are we hot and sweaty? I feel like we're in a bitroom yoga.

Yes, I have to turn on that that thing ooh sor it's quite all right, Uh, I have to.

Turn on this.

I keep turning it on and turning it off because I know it's creating an issue for Steven.

Well, I could definitely use a little air though.

Okay, yeah, yeah, well we just have a little interference then, yeah, yeah, I mean that's one thing.

I listened to early episodes and it sound like it sounded like we were in a wind tunnel. Yeah, like one of those skydiving places.

Was that asshole sound guy we had before? Then wait a minute, Hong Kong.

I was actually trying to think of it.

This was on the ones and two.

It was me.

With the same equipment, the same exact equipment. That's how I know I had no talent.

Well that was I think.

You know, if we're talking about like the people coming to support you and how exciting it is, we really we started this podcast about as like grassroots as you can start a podcast, which is you and me sitting in your car thinking of the idea going we really should do this.

Then it's like, well then what do we do now?

Okay, last episode we didn't even have a name yet. We were like discussing, well, I guess do you need to ride?

It's a good name, right, might as well like figure it out on.

Tape.

Yeah, I didn't realize that that first episode is and man we are. It was enjoyable, but we're way better at it now. I think we just know each other. We didn't really even know each other that well.

No, we were just kind of trying.

Also, I think I've learned a lot about podcasting and what the actually what people what I like when I listened to it helped has helped me obviously listening to other people's podcasts, but also just the experience of the idea that you're going to Okay, I'm just going to listen to somebody else's conversation right now, So what is that? What is the fun part of that? And it's not

I felt like I was worried about what if we talk at the exact same.

Time, which is like I think what we do? Yeah, And also it's like, no one's looking for hard jokes. It's like they want to listen to two people they actually like as people chatted and discover and kind of like have experiences that they can also be having along with.

Yeah, and you're not going to get hard jokes for me?

And what that's always been my promise emedic softballs for all days.

I'm like, I will be conversationally interesting.

Yeah, I sure, I throw the premise out there.

You think of the rest of the joke. You do the shitty pun you fucking hacked.

Whip swips swips And that's how we have such a beautiful fans.

That's right, because people get up. Well, this is the thing too. And I've said this a lot because when I started stand up, and I'm sure it was like this for you too. But I started stand up in nineteen ninety when you would show up to a club and it would be a bunch of people who just came somewhere to get fucked up and potentially yell at the performers. There was no fanship, there was no I've heard of you before I followed. Oh there was, but I would say it was seven percent of the audience.

Like that, yeah yeah.

And other than that, it was truly people that got free tickets at work. It was people that were on their first dates so they were chatting away. It was it was all kinds of shit that was anti and in this Internet age, god fucking blessed to hell. When people, if they like you, they find you and go support you. I can't tell you the difference it makes in terms of my emotional stability.

Yeah, it's just so much nicer, and I don't need a room packed with I do like a mix of, you know, people that are on my side because they know me, just a handful, and then they'll kind of guide the regular people that have never heard me before. Like the show in Dallas was just a full comedy club room. They weren't necessarily they're to see me. There was some people there just actually yes, like thirty people.

That's a lot, but it was a full club.

So it's like a perfect I'm like, okay, I want to indulge that these people and maintain that connection. But also there's these strangers and I have to generally make your.

Dad laugh because there's like that's for I always want to be able to do that, of course.

Middle well, no, I think that's maybe the thing that podcast listeners. There are people who go to live comedy shows all the time and that's why they like podcasts and so that, and that's sometimes how they find us or whatever. But then there's definitely people who are just, oh, I listened to podcasts and I'm not really a live comedy show person.

There's so many of them.

Yeah, they're my first time seeing comedy, Yes.

And they kind of go and they learn how to be a comedy audience because it's a different thing. Where Like when April and I started business class and we had a ton of I had a ton of Murderino listeners who would come. They would sit there and be dead silent. Yeah, you were there for all the shows. Chris was our headliner.

Every week, but they were so excited to be there. But you can't tell no, because they would just stare and.

Kind of like stay laugh the times in the past when I've laughed at this person, I get in trouble at my desk.

Yeah, yeah, so I got to stay quiet.

Yeah, it was really funny, but it was kind of like, but after we did it for a couple of months, that all changed because all those people were like, oh I get it now, and well yeah, yeah, yeah, that's what we're here for kind of thing. But it's funny when people they don't realize or it's like I'm here to support you, but it's like, oh no, no, I don't want you to support me. I want you to judge me objectively, and then I want to earn your laughter exactly.

That's the point. That's what I'm saying.

That's the combination I want, Yeah, come in with the support, but learn how to like comedy well.

And also because it's not a conversation there's it's a much more just stand up. And the reason I don't have the passion for it that I used to do is because podcasting is how I love to do comedy, like love to do it, which is just conversational, calm, stand up. There is a there is a fakeness to it.

It's just like, it's this I'm going to do.

Actually an intensely memorized monologue that I've done a million times with this idea that I'm doing it for the first time right now.

I have to pretend like it's because I do repeat myself. But my goal was always to make it seem like it's coming to me right then, to the point where, of course, oh I just thought of this. Well we all are though, yeah, everyone does that. That's the that's the disappointment.

Of the art, that we are true liars in every Oh last Tuesday, Last Tuesday, this didn't happen.

It happened to Tuesday three years ago when I wrote this. I'm so sorry that I'm lying.

This happened to my friend in college.

I'm going to say, oh my god, right before the show, dot dot dot right for the show.

But yeah, there are If you're a podcast fan that goes to shows and you want the audience to know that you listen to the podcast a lot by yelling out dinar things. Do resist. That's all I'm saying. Just yell the word turtle be.

Your your excitement.

Although highly appreciated, highly appreciated up there, is actually ruining.

It not appreciated by the people, the dads that are just there, Yeah it's a Wednesday.

And don't understand and feel like they're being left out. And then also that the word turtle being yelled at you isn't in the highly memorized monologue.

No, I don't have turtle jokes. I know I should have written somebody.

Yeah, you better, you better open that stile on your laptop and start writing some turtleized jokes.

It'll just turtalized.

Are you guys ready to get turtilized?

Big Banner comes down, looy. He really built his career.

You know what's funny.

When we first started touring my favorite Murder, that would happen constantly because when none of live podcasts are very new conceptually, and they are podcasts, so people go there and it's just like, well, now's my chance to be in this conversation.

So I'm gonna yell I love you.

I'm gonna yell whatever I think you're gonna laugh at whatever, where it's like the thing is sometimes we enjoy the thing is subperson yells because they're especially smart or funny, but overall, do not fucking.

Yell shit ye during a live show.

Ever, save it for after. I'll wait, I'll talk to you for twenty minutes. I spend a lot of time, and I didn't think I would like to because I don't like selling things after a show.

I don't like to sell CDs. It always felt weird. It is weird, yeah, and.

I know you can get a little extra money that way, but I just I don't know. I always hide too. I never think it went well. But now there's people waiting and it's really cool.

And also it's good practice because you don't need to hide because it did go well.

Like that, all that it has nineties weirdness. Yeah, yeah, they have to let go. Yeah.

Yeah, it's this new healthy two thousand shit.

Yeah, where it's like love yourself, be proud of your shit, brag about it.

It's all the stuff that.

We that's completely foreign to us. It's highly damaged late nineties guys.

That's the one thing all successful comics have is the ability to like promote it, like Billy Wayne Davis was talking about that, like how strange it, but of course necessary it is to remind people you are good at this and this is what you do.

Yeah, you have confidence and believing yourself. Yeah.

I always thought, ooh, that's cockiness gross, like that guy in high school.

How dare you?

Yeah, it's like that guy's But that guy now has fifteen hundred dollars in his pocket because he sold twenty five CDs after a show.

Yeah or whatever, or he just got into real estate, or he stole it out of someone else's pocket.

I don't even know this person.

The only way to earn money is by damaging other people.

Yeah, at it emotionally, mentally, oh, but financially as a kapper.

Please don't take us.

As criticism of the people who have yelled out it shows, because we do love the love is felt, yeah.

And understands. You do it to have timing.

That's all it is to be something good. But also in that way where what you what you think that's going to get you, you're incorrect, right, because because I genuinely don't like it at all, Because that's you're not in charge of the show.

You came to be the.

Audio every once in a while, though, I'm like, you got me on that one. No, you had great timing. Yes, you're sober. It was on topic and it was perfectly placed. Yes, And thank god because I didn't have a punchline to this story.

I Nate Craig got married last week graduation.

Yeah it was.

It was a really cool ceremony, and I love his wife. She's there great together. They did a bottle breaking thing, like a mazle top thing.

And in the beginning.

And so during this tradition, yes, yes on behalf of yes. There there was the Jewish god, Jewish representation there. Nate's good friend did some age speaking in the yes yes, yes.

People in the industry.

Yes, of course we're going to get in trouble for that.

Then, so during my speech, which unlike we were saying funerals or weddings, got I wish that stand up went that well.

I was just killing during.

This Hell yeah, hell yeah.

I had a scheduled toast and I was more nervous for it than the Comedy Central. Things like this is going to be memorable, certainly for Carolina and Nate.

Please don't mess it up.

And she was laughing so hard that she dropped her champagne glass and it shattered, and right then I was like, mazel tap and it went right at the end of my speech.

Where am I going with this?

And the mazel tap was a callback to the ceremony, Yes.

And the crowd. It just lit off.

I'm bragging right now. I really had a great toast speech. Yes, it was loose, there was jokes, it was fun. And then I immediately got out. I danced a couple songs. I went home early and got a lot of sleep. It was great, great, great wedding, perfectly did it, no hangover.

Oh man, I couldn't have done it any better.

Being a guest at a wedding, well, you know you could have if you had gotten married at that wedding, right right.

That is one upping myself were one to one day become a groom.

I suppose a groom at Nate's wedding.

Yeah, yeah, then I got to write those vows.

They had great vows too, Yeah, just perfect, meaningful, meaningful.

I didn't know.

Nate cried so much. It was great. He never cried around the apartment, didn't And yeah, it was great.

It was a really good one. And there and.

It was a lot of people. I like, not in the room. It was on a cliff side in La Jolla. Wow, beautiful, Yeah, so cool.

Cool.

I'm so happy for Nate. Yeah he deserves it. Also, I've seen it's not him right there, man, that is sir, come back, that's the Nate.

That's the version where Nate tod be like, well it kind of looks like me, but I'm offended.

Yeah, it was less handsome, Dave, Yeah.

It was definitely. Nate Craig is a very impressive stand up comic. Because I don't believe good people, good looking people are as funny as other comics.

It's weird trained to think that.

Yeah, it's true bias and it's a jealousy. Yeah yeah, but Nate Craig is a great comic, and he is a truly beautifully faced man.

Yeah he is a Yeah he looks okay with his shirt off too. And it's just in the inside, scoop. Would you know that, I'm just I'm looking at his body.

Cli.

Now you say he was married, But do you think it's gonna last? I do cougar character now that I know he has big packs to get in.

There, throw a little raspy smoker voice in there, and I'll believe you.

And I have known each other for a long time. Let's get real. Turn around.

Oh my god, the backs as impressive as the pecks.

That was like that in Twins.

It's one of my favorite moments where he's they get matching suits together, Danny DeVito.

And Arnold Schwartzegger.

He spins around and he's like, oh my god, you're back. It's like it's crazier than the friend. They shows back and it is. His back was like so muscular that you could tell it was just some classic DeVito improv.

Yeah, it was a great moment.

And Twins, ladies and gentlemen, it's a great film.

Go out and see it, and be sure to check out Jojo Rabbit if you want to laugh while crying endlessly.

I can't wait to see that. Very very good. Please don't tell me anything, Okay, I can't wait.

I want it is very It is a perfect little movie, I think, okay, and I don't buy little. I mean it's uh didn't have a giant budget, right, but it's still very good.

Well that's everyone, That's what everyone's been saying. Yes, And also I saw the trailer and usually trailers you kind of go, well, that's interesting. But every movie and the trailer of this it started so good that I was like, I'm gonna stop watching this because I want to see this movie clean and clear.

Yeah, there are a few moments, like the line you tell me. Those kids they you know, they give that kid the best lines. Both the kids, all the kids are great, but they waste a few of the good lines in the trailer.

Yes, they always do that.

Yeah, so in the theater even it would have been a laugh, but they blew it in the trailer.

Yeah.

They always think they don't got to show stuff, you know, they got a show.

Well they've rationalized showing stuff.

But I don't agree.

And I used to fight that fight all the time when I worked in television and they would cut together promo clips and they'd be like, we're putting this in and I go, you're giving everything away and they're like, there's not giving it away. There's like such a cynical thing of giving people a taste. But it's like, but you can give the taste and not give the fucking entire concept, where if there's no point in giving people the entire concept, it's like tease them to come and

There'll be you.

I think you'll be surprised. Even it's they don't give away too much. Okay, there's just some jokes that are spent.

But man, do you think I should still be mad about my job I worked at fifteen years?

Yes, anger should be.

It's the only way you make things better is my harboring resent.

Okay, good, good, good, Yeah.

I have stuff knocking around in there from thirty years ago.

Hell yes, and one day to get my emotional revenge on it.

But yeah, it was so good.

Scarlett Johanson, we're talking about it in town, okay, can we meet for one drink?

Didn't know you were still gotten funny, all right?

And so you were saying the traffic wasn't as bad.

Shut up it really. Something must have happened. Something happened.

There was a seventeen car pile up and they cut off because I was trying to tell Stephen and Chris before we started driving, traffic isn't bad anymore, as we now sit in inexplicably terrible traffic on the tiniest streets.

We do always end up recording around five though. Yeah, it just works best for us.

It's yeah, I mean, if we were planning it.

Shit, Oh no, you're fine. No one's going to be walking on this crosswalk. Let's pull up classic Starbucks crosswalk park.

Damn it. Oh we didn't get our coffee. I have so many cars, I have like fifty of them. I have so many cards. I have so many. Okay, do you want to have a card contest? Yes, let's do. Let's play cards with the car.

I was wondering how many you got? Is there a Starbucks card? Bring us Starbucks fame on MFM?

No, no, no, but people will do it to say give this to you.

And Christ's all so yeah, I have more cards.

Yeah, okay, cool, I am, I am the I'm hitting the bricks as the nine R representatives.

Nice. The cards are coming in.

And we have more stickers from Stephen sorry, tell me her name Ashley.

A constant designer.

Yes, actually we have more of those stickers where we're all in the volvol And when we wrap up this episode, I'm going to address some of the things sitting in my lap.

Oh yes, but it's too dark right now, I want to do them justice. But a handmade Holy shit, this book, this hand drawn book is absolutely amazing.

Oh yeah, let's talk about it.

Based on one episode and I think it was a Todd glast one. I think I saw his drawing in here, but it is sorry, no, no, it was.

That was scary.

It's a hand drawn, hardcover, well made little book.

It looks like it was made in a book factory, a little tiny book.

And the attention to detail and the quotes, it's absolutely so.

Maybe someone the handrew just to explain, someone handrew an episode of the show like a graphic novel in a tiny book.

Yes, it's crazy.

It has the elements of miniature, which I have stated.

I appreciate you.

And that's why I've got little Candelabreds and little Mint. I could start a dollhouse now, and you know I'm going to buy a turtle and put them in the bed. I follow a toad that lives in a doll house and it's just the most entertaining thing ever. But yeah, this this illustration, it is pen and ink.

It is absolutely amazing. What's the person's name?

And I'm gonna wait, it has to be signed. Her name is Sophie and she lives on the Isle of man.

Oh yeah, that's right. Yeah, the Isle of.

Mad tiny island in between the UK and Ireland.

Ireland. Yep, we looked that up. I don't just know that. We made sure to know what we were talking about.

And then this crossed is this cross stitching when it's on a tight little drum or embroidery, embroidery mouthhorn and it has a perfectly spelled what is it the phonetic spelling of.

It's the best.

It reads like mouthhorn, which is not easy to spell.

It pretty amazing And that came to us from Bronwin Bronwin, thank you so much. And she's from Canada.

Yes, she's from the Isle of Canada.

And I believe she also made this lyric spell out of the do You Need Rid theme song, which we posted photos of.

But well that might be crusted. I mean, this is the kind of shit.

What are you trying to make me cry?

I know, Sophia and Bronwyn we stood in the kitchen at the exactly right Network studios, me, Stephen and Chris and looking at these gifts like bent over at the waist, going oh, look, what this is like the most the best Christmas ever.

I mean, this book is phenomenal. It's so cool.

Yeah, it's I mean, look at that picture of tod Last.

I know it's it's great.

And that is hand It looks like she's one of these people that her handwriting is a downloadable font.

It deserves to be.

Yeah, well and look at that.

Enjoy your needlework, you fucking self. The chessel that sounds like you, that was you.

I smoke a lot of fraggle rock. That was me. That's you.

Here's my impression of the Jamaican Irish guy cag and Linch. Oh look at the oh Mount science. God, Okay, we're gonna post a couple of pictures on this book. Yes, wow, Look there's Cafe Gratitude.

What does that say?

And then it's misty but it's like metal. Yeah, it looks like corrosion of conformity fund a band that we've all there's to know the informer.

Oh, let's not, let's not read the whole book to everybody.

Oh god, this is not good podcasting. Welcome to I read a book for the first time, and it's a.

Book of ship.

We've already said.

Excuse me, well, I repeat myself this guy. Uh, these are amazing. Thank you so much.

Yes, you guys, thank you lovely amazing.

We're so touch and think. How was Oh uh?

These are these are conclusionary moments. We are parked in the exactly right car port. Yeah, and it's bad.

To leave the car running even though it's an open aired garage. Is that true? Well, it just reminds me of suicide.

This is a hybrid A yeah, well we might the microwaves okay, okay, yeah.

How was Santa Barbara's It was magical.

You need to come next year. I will. I would have. I was on the ye old road. No, I know, but we.

Missed you and it was very fun and it was very like it was. It was very kind of touching, actually it was.

It was.

I didn't realize how stressed out I was about it until after we got home and I literally couldn't get off the couch for four days, and I realized it's these things where I want to do these things, but I deep down don't believe they're going to go well. And not because everything hasn't gone magically for me for the past like three years straight, but because I keep going. It has to end sometime, So it's going to end this weekend. It has to end sometimes, so it's going

It's just fucking touching and.

Amazing and like and then our team was there, who they're there sometimes, but like they got to see all the magic, like actually in real life, Like it's a thing that me, Vince and Georgia have been experiencing by.

Ourselves for three years, right, right.

Or two years whatever, however long we've been touring where it's pretty fucking like Rolling Stones ish.

Yeah, and then when we come home, it's.

Just like, but basically us and Steven are the only ones that know about it.

Yeah, trust us, Yeah, take our word for it.

So now it's almost like everybody else got to come and go, holy fuck, what's going on?

Yeah.

I just like it when fans come to a show and they see each other and then thatlladates them.

It's like, oh, a lot of people like that.

And then they're and I heard people saying they should hang out because of their interest in the same podcast.

Yes, these two sisters, I forget their name.

I supposed to go to a restaurant they recommended, but I was distracted by the hurricane, so I didn't go to that market place run by your mom. But these women were like, we should hang out because do you need to write? And they're like, yeah, it was really funny.

Or maybe they are.

Maybe they all have a group now, I mean I know, but that's how it's gone in the Murderino community, is like that's all we hear is now I have all these friends, which is just like the most touching thing.

And you saw I sent you the diner.

Someone at a personalized plate like yes, yes, so close to a tattoo for me. Oh my god, someone asked permission to have a tattoo of something I drew.

But it's not podcast related, so.

That doesn't if the minute now, don't go out there and just get a crazy tattoo like a drunk sailor.

Because I'm saying this, No, definitely do that, but somebody, please, yeah, get it. Do you need to write tattoo please?

Yeah?

And not just a turtle. People are gonna think it's a nineties yoga thing.

It has to be of a specific It.

Has to a sun, yeah, with really squiggly rays coming out of it.

Yeah, get a sublime son.

It needs to be if you could get barbed wire around your bicep, that would be the dinar tattoo that we would be interested in you having. Just to get we get to say yeah at all.

Yeah, just have a hint of early nineties white reggae if you were. I mean, what we're saying is, have some fucking respect for I read for Mount Zion.

The only reason I knew that's how I could do it is because I read it in the book.

Yeah. Yeah, it's phonetically phonetically. There.

Oh, this should be mass produced just so people learn how to phonetically.

Uh, reggae drive?

Would you call it a reggae riff?

I don't know.

I don't even know what it's called. It's being a clown and reggae clown in.

Yeah, oh you mean scatting, but reggae star scatting.

Thank you, thank you? What the fuck are you talking? I don't know.

I just all it's because what the cars running and all.

These hybrid the hybrid fumes are the battery acid is getting in your brain. Yeah, all right, then let's wrap it down. Do you have any plugs? Do you have anything else you need to say? It was a fast episode.

No, No, I'm taking a little break and then I'll be out on the road soon. Pacific Northwest just next love it. Look out Seattle and Vancouver.

In those places. Give some dates when rough. Oh I don't know yet.

We're just putting it together.

Oh good, okay, well then Pacific Northwest, get ready because then Chris is going to drop some dates, like Missy Elliott drops her.

Album, So you better get ready more.

I love you inhabit that set edge because.

That ass is gonna be there forever it's at the show, it's gonna be there in the front row, politely listening. And sometimes if an idea is really good, if it gets.

Yelled out, I have sober yes, are well timed, well thought out, not random. I drink a lot. By the way, you've been listening. Do you need a ride? De wyan a r.

Are you leaving?

I you wanna way back home? Either way, we want to be there. Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim, and give us time and a Turmano engage.

We want to send you off instat. We want to welcome you back home.

Tell us all about.

Ity scared her? Was it fine?

Malborn?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need.

With Karen and chriss

M