S2 - Ep. 23 - Chris and Karen

I have some stand up dates starting this week on October eighteenth, I'm in Tulsa, Oklahoma, followed by Oklahoma City, Dallas, San Antonio, Houston, Brian, Texas, Lafayette, Louisiana, New Orleans, and then I ended in Austin, Texas on Halloween through November two. Go to Chris Fairbanks dot com for tickets. Thank you, you're welcome.

Are you ready to podcast? Chris? I am? I am all right. Let's keep it loose and positive and goosey yes, positive boy. I've been negative in the past and no longer. Are you leaving? I you wanna way back home?

Either way, we want to be there. Doesn't matter how much baggage you clean us time and Tourmanol and Gabe.

We want to send you us in stall. We want to welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it.

We scared or was it fine? Malborn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need.

With Karen and Chris welcome? Do you need to ride? This is Chris Fairbanks, This is Karen Kilgareth and we are riding and we are what positive were positively driving in a car? Positive that we're in a car.

Yeah, no question, I'm doing this thing assuming everyone's a new viewer.

Good idea.

Yeah, so I explained the podcast at the beginning.

At the top, you explain how podcasts are seen with the eyes of the ear.

Yes, yes, burn up your ear holes because there's a look.

There's a lot of sights in sound. That's right, all sound sights. I had a great I had at How was your week? How was mine week? Oh? Man, it's Monday, isn't it. Yeah? It it was hard. Yeah, I guess last week. That's okay. Let's not talk about our crazy weekend. Oh my god.

I partied all hardy weekend. No, I no, no, no, A lot of quiet moments. I bought a rug.

I'm old. I don't do stuff like that. Hey, no, I'm I had ordered some old barn would Isn't it fun? Yes?

To be decorative? Oh you know what I did do that was really fun? Is I did that bring your own Tribute Band show?

Yeah? Brian Cook and Andy Wood? It was fun. We sing go gos.

But the setup it was like in this bar called the Offbeat Bar in right in Highland Park, which is a really cool bar on York. And it was all just kind of like it was like any band playing a small bar, you know what I mean. But all the instruments were turned up so loud that when we went to do the go Go songs, I literally could not.

Hear myself at all. So I was just kind of it was like screaming into a fan. They didn't have a feedback is monitor monitor. I I don't think there was a vocal monitor.

And I do think that all the dudes had their guitars and everything turned up.

To eleven, like they were just there to jam.

Yeah, and you know, but I mean that was kind of the fun of it, and it didn't matter.

It was like Carlile used to complain about the same thing. I mean, look, the girls were there to rock.

It's the classic situation of people want to rock, but instead of we got the beat.

Did you sing weird at Offbeat Tribute? God damn it, Chris, We're at Offbeat. Everybody sit on your seats. They're at it. Oh. You know.

When it comes to puns, a lot of people are against puns. Yeah, and I get it, but man, when they're in song form form. There's no one that doesn't like them. You can't well, you can't deny them, right. They're powerful, right, and if you say anything that about weird Al, you're going to get beat up by a nerd that probably can't beat you up.

So let it happen. So let it happen. It'll make you feel stronger. Yep. It's fun to interact. Just do it and into it, and Al appreciates it in the cause of fights.

Yeahh so that was I would say that it was like my big party weekend.

Yeah, that is totally a party to rock and some bar concert.

It was cool. I mean, yeah, it felt cool. Got to see some cool people. Some of my favorite people were there. It was just like, you know, a good hang.

I've been needing one of those. Why what did you do this weekend?

I have for two weeks taken nothing but cold showers. I decided it's I don't know that I'll stop. I finally gotja water today. But I mean it's kind of like a poor man's cryo therapy. I feel like it shrinks my inflammation. Yes, I bet it does, but my neighbors are probably going to complain. About me screaming shit and fucked every time I shower.

There's I've done the same thing where my guests got turned off, and then for however long, I either went without showering or had to take a cold shower.

And it really is very torturing, it really is. But it's a great way to wake up, like embracing you in lieu of coffee.

I just spray cold water on my body and it definitely wakes you up, gets ready or the old eyebags.

Yeah, if you really said there a while, but I didn't. Also makes your hair shiny. Oh really, huh? No more vasaline and other home remedy beauty methods.

Vacilline can do everything. Yes, yes, you get burns, dry lips. You just put it in your scalp and it works as a great PALMADEE.

Put it on your eyes. It makes some sparkle. Do this, everyone write these downs a sunblock on your body.

And yes, oh yes, it certainly doesn't magnify, said so at all. I just thought it's funny because I when I moved into my apartment, there was no electricity, so I called the Department of Water and Power and then they said, oh, we have this concierge service that does everything for you. We'll connect you now to Spectrum like we did everything. I know I signed up for gas, but apparently maybe because gas was already there.

I don't know.

I've just had free gas for six months. Right, it's not free, it's now program. I'll have to pay for back gas.

Uh, you're paying for that gas, friend, Oh I am, I'll come. Neither of us have made a fart joke because we're fucking great.

We're grown up. Yeah, we're waiting for the good idea to come.

And I just had when the city of Los Angeles, I've been here fifteen years, they don't know my name. I've never been on a gas bill, so I just because I was starting from scratch, I waited literally two weeks because they said I was calling saying it's silly, I'm taking cold showers please, and there they said, I'll look, and she kept looking. She's like, it has to be in two weeks. I'm sorry, we don't have any other appointments.

Yeah, that's how it always is. I couldn't believe it.

But anyway, today he came immediately hot, nice, everything's back steaming.

Yeah, time to bring back that swelling.

And look, you can still make fart jokes all you want with gas without gas, exactly all of it.

I like it when it comes up organically. Barts, I mean, finally, beans, please, beans, just pause.

That happens every once in a while on Twitter, people will go, h, I can't believe you talked about blah blah blah and nobody made a blah blah blahod joke, so disappointed or something, and oh, I never do it, but I always want to write back.

You fucking hack.

We don't make those jokes because they're stupid and bad jokes, and any third grader can make that.

Well, yeah, anytime.

I mean, I've always as a comic, even if a premise sounds familiar, Yeah, I won't. I'm like, well, so everyone's already missed her show. Did a sketch about.

That, Yes, exactly.

You don't want to be the sixteenth person that's doing it.

Yeah, but most people that happened, and no offense if you're not in comedy.

Most people. Actually that's what she said. School of joking, where it's like, well, that's what everyone would have said, so why didn't you say it? Many people are still in the eye threw up in my mouth a little bit. School of So let's you know, oh god, that's all.

Let's all tighten up our games because we all are in comedy these days.

You're in deep and we can't get out. Whether you know it or not, you're in it. You're part of a joke, you're part of your at least part of someone's joke. Yeah, you're definitely in your family. Beating your family.

I'm just pausing and saying stuff like you did with being that's our.

New co be it in your family, be it around the office. You're part of a job. That's what I see. I get it now. Beat your family.

Are like subliminal messages that the do you Need to Ride podcast is so proud to bring to everybody.

Are you bored at work? Beat your family? It's just like we are the the farts and violence of a backwards beatles record, farts and violins, helter skelter, slap, your mom's terrible. Yay, right, you did the actual noise. I had to do it. I'm glad you know that I wanted to.

Sometimes I feel like you're saying things because you know I want to say it, So you lower yourself to that's right to the boy.

But the group of boys fart comedy. That's as a woman, that is what we're expected to. Well, you also hang out with a lot of groups of boys. It's some writing. I mean, not on week not don't slit, shame me on my own pocket. Listen. I like boys. Every time you pick up your phone, it is already navigating to some frat house. I'm tired of it.

I like nineteen year old boys, right, you're the dumbest one.

Yeah, yeah, and it's uh And they're barely legal caprisa, there's only one. Oh, they're.

The idea of like really trying to take back the night by being disgusting like that.

Like yeah, man, ohly legal boys?

What there was When I first moved here, I shot a. I guess Aston Ashton Kutcher was going to stop doing punk, but he didn't stop doing it and punked America. Oh, but they were trying to find a new prank show and they were it. I think that Daniel Tosh has been in contract to have a show with Comedy Central for years, like years prior to that to Talk point zero and I did a pilot with him where we were but the joke was on us because we didn't

Is sure, yeah, sure you did it. I almost said yeah.

It would be wordy and riddle filled, and we'd read it and it said hope you're ready to teach a class. And we're like, okay, oh.

He's and he was like, well, of course you're better with kids than I am. And I'm like, okay, this'll be great. Uh.

And you know, we had to teach like an exercise class, a crunch gym while while Craig Kilbourne and the guy from Chili Pepper, David Navarro, we're both on treadmills looking through the glass watching us, like shaking their heads. It was at a time when hidden camera shows were a regular thing, and every time we were put in a situation, someone would raise their hand and say, is this like a hidden camera show?

And we go what no?

And right then at cameraman had fall against some one way glass.

What no, of course not, what are you talking about?

But one of the things was we had to go to there was a magazine called Perfect ten, I think, and they sent us there and this sounds like.

It should It definitely should be illegal. They sent us there as fake photographers and we took pictures of naked girls and they said you have to something in it said or they weren't naked, but they almost were.

Uh.

And I had like this vaguely European accent and said I was from the Ukraine. And then one of the girls was like, I'm from the Ukraine and I'm like, oh, the.

Southern parts, Like I didn't even have an accent. You just quote some Borat. It was pre bor At. But I couldn't stop yelling my wife and they yeah, it was, it was.

It was absolutely Actually it was very fun and they were nice and I feel like they knew something was up.

But you're just going to drive in that lane. Yeah, wow, that happens a lot.

Yeah, we should just call this podcast head on Collisions for real.

It's now just a standard. It's like how it is just like, oh okay.

But the amazing thing I remember seeing the pictures I took nervously with a camera I'd never used, and I took some great photos.

Did you Yeah, Now what were the women wearing? They were? Yeah? One there was a woman in a shower and then it's a street, so two cars have to be on it.

Yeah, yeah, everything's two way. Don't give us that face, a grumpy.

One, missus Mercedes. Yeah it was yeah, a woman was in a shower and yeah, yeah it was most it was just like Bikini Pretty Women. Okay. Perfect ten was not a porno or nudity magazine. It's caught it, okay. I think it was like Maximmer something got it. I could be.

Wrong, though, it might be I may have inadvertently worked in pornography.

Oh well, now we're going the wrong way. Yeah, we're supposed to go the other way. What is this? Some family circus map Barfy.

My favorite thing about that family circus is their dog was named Barfy, which is fucking hilarious.

I love really.

Yes, that's and it's but every other It wasn't a strap, there's single panels.

It was a circle. Yeah, it's a circle. Hands the name.

But they would talk about Grandma and haven't Grandma's angel would come? Yeah, Grandma was taken away by an angel named diabetes.

What like?

They would always and it was supposed to be like it was never funny. No, well maybe if you were like seven or whatever. Yeah, it was comic strip funny, which is, you know a dog named Barfy is funny at age forty four. I'll tell you that.

I'm telling you if you read it and you're not ready for it, and it's like.

Barfy's just took the thing and you're just like, who named their dog Barfy? I can't. I don't know why.

But it was when the Family Circuits Circle drawing panel was about Billy going through the neighborhood and there's a perforated you just followed his day and there's a dotted line that showed him jump on a trampoline, then pet a dog, and then mess with someone's hose.

I loved following it.

Yeah, no, that was good. I mean it really was for kids. Also, you're right, it's Family Circus. Family Circle is a magazine, is like a women's magazine.

Oh yeah, I would have me. Sorry, I forgot what Family Circle was.

I don't know what the fuck's going on because I was going like in the wrong direction in this parking lot. It's sometimes it is hard to multitask and drive and have this conversation.

It's fascinating.

There have been people that said, you guys were so funny in the studio, and I'm like, I don't remember us enjoying the studio.

No, it is long long ago, yeah, long long ago.

And I think it's because we were just people don't realize how much funnier When could we if we weren't on the verge of head on collisioning.

No, it's true, well, and the subject being fucking changed every twenty seconds because of just what we're seeing. Yeah, but in the studio I always just felt like, oh, that's true. That's when Aaron Brungart used to record us, and it would be yeah, we had some good shows, were.

Good older and yeah, yeah we should call him, okay, take him to dinner really and quietly. Oh, I love I It's not even a situation that's ever happened, but I love thinking of awkward situations.

And then in real life I shudder and like, yeah, backsweats a little.

You mean, like forcing Aaron to eat if we invited him to dinner, sat down in neither of a senate and he's so nice and poliety, probably would just he would do the same thing. Yeah, but he would do what we were doing.

Okay, we are now going to order coffee from this man and coffee shop.

Should I let you order your own because I know that's what you like to do? Yeah, I am a control Hi, Stephen, do you want sure? I'll do a Grande pumpkin Cream cold brew. I'll do the same, Okay.

Can I get too grande pumpkin cream cold bruise please?

Okay?

And can I get a double tall one pump mocha.

That's gonna be it? Thank you? Do like that how that says Autumn. I would have never noticed that at the end there's an end Autumn. N that's hilarious.

Yeah, but I feel like Bucks is really is really high on itself right now because it's pumpkin Spice Lotte season. Sorry, ma'am, I'm sorry I've made it hard for you to go to your audition. You're still gonna nail it.

You got it, Leggings. You were right to get on that bus and lave your parents. Oh that was me.

We have just this star This Starbucks drive through is wrapped around a building that isn't just a Starbucks, So then people have to cross through the drive through line to get to the other things that are involved.

But like a lot of things, like when someone's sick, they forget, or when someone is sick and you tell them I'm sick, I can't come in. That person always forgets what it's like to be sick.

And when you're in.

This situation where you're stopped on a crosswalk because you have no choice because who leaves a car length and a fricking drive through.

Well, and also because you don't want to to people who are trying to order behind you exactly.

That was the first thing I thought of.

Second thing I thought of was don't don't block the ways of all the actresses and yoga pants that are.

Going to everyone in there is post na stay on this shing. They were going through lines and they're well lived up.

I'm just I'm jealous because it's I just always look at those outfits and I can't imagine wearing like buff pink yoga pants.

It's crazy. Sir again, I'm sorry. We do not have control over this situation.

That guy was the director because he was wearing a baseball hat and a blazer.

Yeah he really, He's like, he had a nice suit on, but he had some sneakers in a ball cap because he's a laid back director, casual. But if someone came here right now.

If I was the one walking up and there's a crosswalk and there's a car in the middle of it, I'm trained to.

Be like give them the look. Yes, for sure getting the look I would have given the No one deserves the look.

We're off the crosswalk now and the car behind us has stopped so that they're not.

They understand the situation. Maybe they're listening to the podcast. Are we live streaming? We live streaming. We do do that. Sh Sorry, guys, oh man, we forgot it. You gotta push the red button.

Okay, I knew my purse for the just for a car for a card. Sure, thank you. This might be the same card because of the people that gave the last one that we used at the last visit because there was so much money on it, the one that was from Anna Beth.

Yeah, yes, guys, thing people know. I've been through your purse more than I have my own lethers. I still go through it. No, she used to. I studied.

She'd drive me to school, hand me her coffee, which was just in a regular house mug yep, and and and.

Drive like a bat out of hell of the school. And it so it really kept me on my toes.

Yeah, because it was hot coffee and her purse was in my lap and it spilled a little.

It would spill in her purse. And I'm sorry, mother, mother, Mother, forgive me. I'm sorry for the coffee that I put in your purse, but you handed me to send coffee and purse.

I went to dinner with my friend Jamie last night, who has two daughters, and she went, we went to pay, and she opened her wallet and I go, oh, do you have any cash for the valet? Because I knew I only had a single dollar, and then she she goes, yeah, I have a bunch of cash.

And then she opened the wallet and she goes, God, damn it. They took money on my wallet again.

And it made me laugh so hard because we used to do that to my mom all the time. I would constantly just go in and like take five dollars from my mom without asking, and she.

Would it was It just made me. It made me miss the eighties so much. Yeah, that's a real eighties thing to steal from your parents. It just looks like you. I looked at my mother's wallet as like also my wallet, you know.

Now, it's so easy. I'm my sister would like a bill would come in. And she realized my nieces or my nephew when he was a kid, had ordered all these things on Amazon almost just like not even realizing it would come.

It's just they're on TV.

And oh yeah, oh, let me get I want this monster high doll. Whoops, I pushed the thing. I wonder if it'll come. Let's hide in our rooms.

I want it. Yeah, it's the best. That's so funny.

You don't have to be an old timey pickpocket anymore.

You can cyber rob your parents. Wow, hello high No, thank you. I thought that guy said wow because he recognized you. Whatever. It happened again at a different location. Ooh looks good.

No, that's okay, thank you.

Oh I see why you get these, Stephen. That is so good. This tastes like ice.

Cream, but it's it's not as sweet as the original pumpkin slice a.

Little bit more. That's today. Thank you. It's so.

I mean, I'm the person that I just used to always get black coffee feet.

But my diet starts tomorrow, mom My daet starts tomorrow. It's such a walking Cathy car kind of looked like it was gonna hit your mirror.

I know that a lot of cars these days, and I think it's I think it's uh simultaneous with the kind of crumbling of democracy. People are driving with a vengeance. People are going that shit. And there's a lot more honking these days.

Yep. I find there's a lot more traffic.

Yep, more people coming ending up at LAX with nothing but some yoga pants and sides.

Yep. Two cars on the street. It's always a white Mercedes.

Yeah, I'm sorry, but it's always a white Mercedes.

Did you see the referendum that they're they're going to no longer allow Uber lifted the airport at Lax. Yes, Oh wow, this is going to be great for our booking. Yes wow.

We're going to have so many more people asking us to be on the show that we don't take the time to book. That is.

But now I'm thinking about my own airport trips. I rely on Lift, I know.

And there's what they're saying is people are going to have to take a shuttle to a spot. Okay, like off you are. Most airports do that.

You go, at least they have them drive through a special area in the parking garage or something. They don't just have them. It's unheard of lax. I don't know. I can't speak for all airports.

But they usually dullest, planned ahead, dullest off site, underground, second story, next, go.

Ahead, give me were internation. Ginsburgh writer don't know anything about the Pittsburgh city has an airport lift Hubert. Much like Lax, you just do it. And so that's a bad example. Well let's talk about Allen Ginsburg. Let's talk about Alan Ginsburg's poetry.

It's Ginsburg, the one that did the song always Wear Sunscreen?

Or Am I wrong? I don't know. I don't know. Vonna gets you couldn't know.

But then we're all wrong because I read it was just an article by this woman and they used it.

For that song. I mean, but it was it was she kind of ripped off. So everyone's ripping each other off. Look, that is the way of the world these days. Just like you know, Carnosaur was like alien. I like to bring up conversations we had off podcasts.

Mike, people will listen, will be like, wait, maybe I'm wasn't paying attention.

Listen not at all.

That was a conversation that was had forty five minutes in way off Mike.

This is a fun side street that I accidentally went down.

Yeah, this looks like a fake That looks like a fake alley a Universal studio.

It really did.

In that restaurant's called Mini Kebab, which I want to know if it's because it's a little restaurant or if they give you a kebab on like a toothpit.

I certainly hope it's. Oh.

You know how I love mediatures, and if they're actually edible, Oh ah, I want to make a burrito for a mouse so bad. Have you seen these burrito mouse videos? Yes, there's a whole slew of them. You can go down to a real mouse hole watching them. They have tiny They make a little chef make a little.

Oh sorry, I'm sorry, why that's a man chill talking? Oh? And then I stare down. And also I just rolled forward a little bit.

Your honk was sufficient. We didn't need your devil eyes.

Although they knew because I was looking at that stop light right and it was green.

I was going to go, oh, right, they.

Maybe that woman's like it was a honk that sounds like hey, but it was really a honk that's like I've.

Made that mistake before. Friend was totally understanding. Don't be like me. That was a honk of compassion. Yeah, maybe it was recent You noticed neckberries.

Oh yeah, see, people are flying off these it's nuts out here, guys.

I blame the current political climate.

It's the only explanation it is. Thank you, ma'am for your compassionate honk.

Oh yeah, he's nice. Oh it's a guy. Okay, Yeah, he looks like he's friendly because he's a man that looks like an old woman. That is, actually, any man that looks like an.

Elderly old librarian lady is probably the sweetest.

Usually not super agrom Sorry, it's always the guys that look like, you know, a Gary Busey type.

Yeah, he looked that way because of the faces he's made his whole life.

Yes, everyone knows when he is young.

I used to bet people that because people would just say, oh, have you seen Big Wednesday with Nick Nolty, I'm like, God, damn it, that's not Nick Nolty, it's Gary Busey. For the longest time when they were both and now they both are like rugged, jagged, scarfaced, sunken eyed men. Based on lifestyle and their faces turned into who they've been.

Yeah, it's true. God, I hope they don't listen.

Oh, oh, I ope Jake Bucy's listening.

It seems like he'd listen to podcasts. I think it's interesting.

Jake Bucy proves that you can inherit teeth, right because he has the exact same teeth that his father has.

Yeah, it's weird.

I guess you know. It's all based on scale. I have my dad's shin bones and legs would be weird.

Just the shit, I mean, legs, the whole leg, top and bottom, and aren't teeth bones? They aren't. I tricked you. They're not, are they No? Because bones go away and teeth stay forever. Right where do bones go?

Do you?

Oh?

I mean if you burn someone, there's still going to be teeth, So they are just fun. If you make a mass grave and pull some some kind of burn, get try and get rid of a body with burning Oh got it.

The teeth always end up in there, right, like the last to go. Yeah, gotch you.

Yeah, Now that we know what you're talking about, it's so much less scary.

That was a little bit disturbing for a while. Oh, because I was just bringing up body burning. You said bones are the last to go. You're the one that got me in all this murder shit. You started it.

No, I you know, look, I want to talk about I wanted to talk about bodies being burnt.

I want to talk about bones going last.

Yes, of course, first, like we said, this is going to be a positive episode.

I'm gonna get all high on my coffee. We're really going to figure it out.

We're really going to ramp this up at the end.

I like how we start kind of cool and casual, how you been friend was your weekend?

And then by the end we're swinging the chandelier like it'll be like that would be right at the time.

My mom would go, you're laughing now, but you're going to be crying in a minute.

Oh just because you're oh not. It wouldn't be caffeine based.

Just like childhood based, when you would be like laughing and everything would.

Get real spased out, really hyped up.

Yeah, and then that's when my mom would yelled out from the other room. And she was always right because then somebody would like accidentally slap someone across the face and it would all, you know, turn to tears.

Did I tell you about the time. I wasn't babysitting.

I was just my dad had a friend and his son was al at the time.

He has since I'm so old.

He since had a professional skiing.

Career and retired. No really, but yeah, but he was a little kid with diapers at this point, and I I threw something we were playing. I don't know. I think I hit his head with like a block or something like a piece of wood hit his head and he started crying, and I'm like, oh shit, time to make him laugh, And so I like started throwing bricks up in the air to land on my head.

So I'm evening it out and also comedically getting hurt. It's perfect, good kid, Yes, And I threw one. It hit a light fixture, the glass. It broke into shards of glass. A piece of glass came down and went through my ear, like in the back of my ear, and blood just started pouring down my face. Then he started laughing. That was very funny. Little kids don't understand blood. He just thought, how did you make yeh? Bright red liquid.

Come out of your head? A majestic apart, And so my dad came in and it's like, how the hell are you bleeding everywhere? It's just it went through. It was just a long piece of glass and went through my outer ear and I had to get stitches and everything. But my dad he replaced the light fixture for his friend and replaced it with the scariest clown.

And that was the one time I saw this kid. I was like, do you still have that scary ass clown light fixture? He's like, yeah, well I don't know why I have that. And then I told him the whole story, because of course he didn't remember.

That's hilarious. Yeah, and the reason you grew up with a clown on your ceiling.

Your dad was like, this will be great because a child will love a clown.

Lightness.

I think that he said, I got to replace this piece of ceiling, the light fixture glass.

Oh, these are on sale because they're horrified. And it was just a hood kid. Blood agot murdered. Sorry, no, I just want to unveil my clown character. No, no, I wasn't saying no to that. Like I do like the character. I love the character is you're ripping it off from the Sensen.

What I love, though, is I don't like the idea because I was picturing looking up and just seeing like a standard Barnum and Bailey clown face.

It is horrible. It's the kind of clown open mouth. You might as well be squirting a square gun in there.

No.

Yeah, although I do love that game at the fair, scorting a score gun into like a clown mouth so that the balloon pops and or you make horses race is the best game there is.

Yeah, there is a there's an anxiety. It's the fun kind, but you really because it's a race. But you just have to keep it steady into your thing.

Yes, and so the excitement of wanting to get you will get shaky and it throws off your game. Yeah, you gotta stay cool and collect like it's the land loop.

They basically are training children to be marksmen at a young age.

Oh, I love it. You're right, that's what I'm about. I'm bad. If you ask any marine why they wanted to become a sniper, I'll say.

Fair clowns, fair clowns. I wanted to shoot a clown in the mouth.

Since I was a child, I never I was raised not to even the b beguns. They had the baby guns.

That were rapid fire and they put up a piece of paper with a star. And remember you had to shoot out the star, yep, or whoever shot the most of the star.

I didn't want to. I always thought someone would take one of those baby guns and just turn and shoot me in the eye. Well that's happened, of course it would. They're horrifying.

Yeah, and children shouldn't play with a thing that can actually put out your eye like a little Mexican dog.

Oh wait, was that.

On the air?

No?

No, sorry, oh that was frere topic. Sorry everybody.

No, but there's there's blind dogs out there, and some of them it's at the hands of a baby gun.

The idea that Chris's friend rescued a blind dog off the streets of Mexico, and I was filled with an agitation before you told all the parts about how happy and great this dog.

Yeah, because the dog doesn't know he's bline, she's blind. Yeah, she's just like I'm a regular dog. No one ever told me, yep, this is how we all are. And then you open the little eyelids and there just wasn't eyeballs, never developed them.

Well, because I.

Think about everyone's while I think about Frank and I think about Frank being on the streets by himself, and I get really upset.

And he has both really big old bulgy eyes.

So and even that is like so sad for a little dog to be on the street alone.

Yeah, because you think eyes, You think of the eyes crying, You think of dirt and dust getting in the eyes.

Yep, no, no eye drops for that dog. This dog was like, no worries, who cares, he's probably hearing unbelievable. I probably looked fun. I probably didn't just eat a dead rat.

Maybe he developed so many other senses. He's a great painter or whatever.

Just that dog.

I'll tell you one thing has great spatial awareness. Just almost measures a room like an appraiser.

You will never sit too close to you and make you uncomfortable, won't sit too far away from you r you feel bad.

Just guy knows how to give you your space. M h knows how to maintain, but not so far that you feel cold and abandoned, abandoned, abandoned. We were talking about marines and something came up. Mistakes, children getting hurt. Yes, okay, we covered it. Okay, bye, Hey that's my childhood and I lost it. That's okay.

We are in the kind of a warehouse area of Glendale, going into like Eagle Rock Island Park.

Okay, I maybe could have guessed that.

I like this area. I think it's like where you could your band could practice. Oh I just saw a sign that said drum school.

Yeah, and somewhere in here h Robin von Swink, who's a photographer who's very good to my first oiled up photos.

Oh nice. She's like, here, have some whiskey, put this baby oil on this vest. I was like, what do we do it?

That was one the one where you were kind of it almost looked like a metal Yeah.

Yeah, well that was great. Yeah. I just brought in a vest and I was like, we could do something with that's sleeveless best And she was like, I know exactly what your entire album is going to look like. I didn't realize that was her. That's she's amazing.

She did my favorite Murders picture that we used over and over.

Oh wow, I haven't gotten new ones of yet. I will always use her if she'll have me.

Yeah, she's very famous now. She does very well for herself, which is very cool. She deserves it.

Yeah, I like it, and she's like shot like music videos for like metal bands.

Oh cool, very dark? Uh dark? I don't like that word, but you know, for lack of a better word, I mean, what else you supposed to say? Theme? The lighting is great, though.

She just turns out at the light and turns on her video camera. Chris, Yes, if you have to fight one hundred.

I've been sick for a week. Turned into Nick Nolty. Excuse me, I'm sorry. I had I totally had allergies. Have you ever had this happen?

My eyes are watering, my nose was plugged up, I couldn't breathe, and I knew it was allergies.

It just was, and it just turned into a cold. Is that possible?

I mean no, Okay, Allergies are like a reaction to pollen and dust and things you're allergic to. Colds are virus and you get it because it's like a sickness.

Well, then this was an allergy like never before I've ever had where I.

Start coughing and got a sore throat. Okay, but that sounds like you got a cold.

Every time I'm sneezing my whole life though, it's like you you start sneezing like someone's getting a cold. I've never sneezed while sick ever in my life. Sneezing is just allergies. Allergies, yeah, okay, just never has happened.

It's like when I would fartre something, my dad my ex step mom was like, oh, you should use the restroom. I'm like, there's no connection between that. And there's definitely there's a connection, but it just at that moment. Some people they got their their tubes are different in their body. The fart tube is connected to this.

Its toes and I I really I had allergies so bad that I just start coughing and I lost my voice and I think it just turned it. Okay, maybe it was a cold and this is the first time I've sneezed. Yeah, anyway, yeah, I was sick. You're changing, You're growing up. I'm growing up. I'm maturing. I'm getting more and more ill.

You're dying. That's what growing up is. We really is. It sounds grim, but we're all dying. We're all just dying. Sure as the earth that's spinning, you're going to be tits up by the end of the week. Get ready, years years.

I always drive us over here kind of near that weird home depot that's under the freeway.

Oh yeah, I need to turn around because it's a weird habit. I sometimes skateboard there at that home depot. Yeah there's a good one. Yeah there is. There's cement. People have made things there. But Monday, the security guard came over.

And it's just a sign of the times that that is its skateboarding is more accepted now. He's like, I'm so sorry, but I can't let you skate here anymore. There's now a camera inside, and I have a security manager that gets mad at me and I don't come kick you out. And he's here today he like apologized, and I'm like, well, that's the nicest way I've ever been kicked out of anywhere. He's like, I think it's great what you guys do. There's nothing else going on here, but you gotta go.

I feel like.

In the eighties when skateboarding first became like I became aware of it, I would say late eighties. Yeah, it was this thing where it was like it's skateboarders versus security guards and cops instead of a go skater, go home, and fucking skateboarding is not a crime or whatever, and then everyone realized, oh, actually, most all skateboarders are super cool. People are incredibly chill and not trying to be dicks at all. They're just trying to have fun and skateboard

Yeah, it doesn't, but it's still it is the case, is it, Yeah, because well, now there're skate parks and that's where people get good. But if you're watching like a skate video, no.

One wants to watch skate park footage necessarily, so it's still is street skating. There's still security guards. They still get mad and chase you and try and grab you. Yeah it's hilary. Yeah it's insane, but most kids know how to deal with it and calmly say I understand, thank you, Can I try one more time?

And then the security guard will be like, okay.

But you better do it, and then they land in some escape videos there's no more time, please, and then we'll leave and then someone pulls out there permit for shooting or whatever.

But yeah, bits you're right, was there, did you?

I went to Petaluma, but I don't feel like I got to see your town.

Just yeah. The venue was like near breweries. Am I saying that right? There's a bunch of.

When we were right by the brewery and no, and I didn't, but I did go through enough to be like, oh my gosh, this is like it seemed like Mendocino where so like a Antelotte Lansbury type.

There was these cool old houses.

And I kept looking for to see if I could spot your parents' car, even though I don't know, I don't know what to look a foxy Volvo actually, yes, and yeah.

And then the main strip pedlum of Boulevard is where all the really old buildings are that look, they shot Peggy Seue got Married there.

They shot, of course, Howard the Duck. There they shot.

A bunch of different movies because that's Francis Ford. Coppola likes to shoot in Pedaloma because it's all really legit old looking.

Oh well, Peggy Sue got Married? Was that? Kathleen Turner, Yes, and Nicholas Cage. It's actually a great movie. I'd never have seen it it's really good.

It's like a woman who wakes up and she's a teenager again and she's like, thinks it's really hilarious and stupid, but she has to relive and she's like, oh my god, this was my boyfriend and it's Nicholas Cage being a total Nicholas Cage.

It's really funny. And then there's one moment freaking out eating beetles.

Yes, but there's a moment where she's like at her house or whatever, and she the phone rings and she answers it and it's her grandma, and it's the most beautiful moment. And Kathleen Turner is such a goddamn great actress where it's that thing of you don't she wasn't thinking about it because she's like, oh my god, I've.

Gone back in time. This is so stupid.

She's like an adult, you know, dressing like a teenager and acting like she telling her friends like we need to smoke, and the friends are like, oh my god, Piggy's see what's wrong with you, you know whatever. But then the phone rings it's her grandma.

She's like Grandma, Oh my god, and she.

Has a total like freak out because it's her dead grandma, oh, once again alive and it's and that's her Mom's like, Peggy, so you're sick, go lay down.

It's so funny that I haven't seen that movie, but I do know.

There is a scene from seeing the trailer where she's laughing because her dad bought.

A net Soul. Yes, you bought an nets soul. Yes, And the way she laughs is so good. And I had to turn to my dad and I'm like, what the hell's an that soult? And He's like, it was a car that was like a design accomplishment that no one bought and it was ugly.

Yes, And I'm like, okay, now, I guess I get the car joke from the fifties.

It was like, it's almost like you bought a ugo type type of joke from the fifties.

Oh, that's great. And that was that.

They're her house where they shot that scene, and they actually used the house on that street is right off of.

One of the main streets in town, and.

Right on the corner of that street is Volpi's, the restaurant we always go to. My family always goes to that's been there since like the twenties or something. It's very like, yeah, if you went into like pedalom a city, it's just kind of very quaint.

It's like the definition of quaints. Yeah. I didn't know what to expect. I don't. I'm just the word didn't.

I didn't know what I thought I was going to announcekirt of San Francisco. I didn't know where I was going. I didn't realize it was such.

A cool town. You didn't realize the rich history. Oh so rich and rich.

There's a skate park also now over by the new Target, so all the.

Kids get to go skating now you tell me. But it's like it's for kids. It's a little one. Yeah, you know, a little dips Yeah, sure, no, there is. There's little kid parks.

Yeah, and I feel like I shouldn't be going fast.

At them or going to them. Well it's funny because that is up for debate.

Are you know it's a skate park, but now they're inhabited by tiny children?

Yeah?

Little scooters, yeah, little babies and helmets. It's like, wait, this is a skateboard park. I'm skateboard but it's like, but a little kid playing should have priority?

Yeah, but they don't know what they're doing, and they're gonna run India and get hurt. They're gonna gotta fuck it up, and you're trying to shred and then you say I'm sorry, sweetie, and they're like, did you call me Sweedie?

Who the hell are you? And I'm like that came out weird. I'm an uncle, so I said that. And then you say, go skater go home. Yeah locals only, that's so fat. Yeah. Yeah.

I call him a Barney and a Howie and I tell him go back to the mainland.

They're like, I don't even waite here. This is California. I get to go to Hawaii soon. Tomorrow. Tomorrow is suit You've got to go to Hawaii tomorrow. That's my surprise reveal. Oh wow, what are you gonna do?

Just it's Adrian's birthday and so a bunch of people are already over there and they're just chilling out for uh.

I think Adrian is there for like two weeks or something.

So my sister can't go because she has to teach kindergarteners how to be in school.

So they invited me to go and then I was like, yeah, well I can go, of course.

Why have you ever been to Oh yeah, I've been a handful of times. But this spot is especially fun because it's it's nice and it's our friend Janet has actually has a house, so it's like they live in a neighborhood and you know, it's cool.

Are you going to snorkele?

No? I snorkeled once. I didn't have a great time. I think what you think it's going to be, it's not at all. And I love I love swimming in the ocean. I love being in the ocean. I can just stand there, float whatever. But the snorkeling thing I get like if I'm out Like I we went snorkeling one time and then I was just out in the water for a really long time. And then I couldn't get this the feeling of floating in water out of

Well, we all have different I guess equilibriums or whatever. Like I one time went snorkeling with my brother in law who's a fireman who teaches water.

Oh, my god.

One time he is he was teaching the other fireman this water rescue clinic thing. Yeah, and as he was teaching it, someone was drowning in the river and he saved them.

No. Yeah, in Spokane, there's a raging river that goes through this city. I think it was an other fireman that lost that started drowning and he saved him. During the class, He's like, well, I guess I mean kind of like that.

And another time he is doing some water rescue thing, is in a kayak and a giant fish jumped into his kayak and he just.

Was holding it like he caught it.

No, Like Mike went fishing and she showed me a fix my sister and a fish jumped in his kayak.

Love it. It must be a magnetic personality he is.

But he was able to swim thirty feet down and he played water polo and every he's like a water person And I would swim down like five feet immediately ears plugged up headache.

I thought my head was gonna implode.

Yeah, and he just is able to go all the way down because he has a better skull or a better cochlea.

He's done it more a better an villain hammer. He just has more experience, I guess. So, yeah, with the hammer of experience is what that man? That's right? And yeah, it's yeah. I can't remember why I was talking about that water resc oh, because we were talking about Hawaii.

Oh yes, yes, I went to Hawaii a few years ago to see a couple of friends that I grew up with in Missoula. One of them, she was in Los Angeles, and while she was at some party in a conversational friendly way, invited Chewye, the little person that was a sidekick on Chelsea Lately, to come to Hawaii. I arrived and chewy just showed up the next day and she was kind of like, yeah, the guy from Chelsea Lately is coming, and We're like, what the because that show was very much on and there was a

Wow. There was a little floaty thing with a little window on it, and he laid on it and I just like, as we are snarkling, I just kind of swam with that. And he had never he had never even been in a swimming pool and he was freaking out, like I'm swimming, I'm swimming. He was so excited.

Yeah, it was really cool. I totally bonded with this guy. He's the sweetest man ever. He was totally cool. I think he thought that maybe there's some going to be some romance with my friend's friend.

And she was like, oh no, I don't think he got you that way. And he was like, okay, cool, and it was just and then he was just fuf.

We can only all be that way, right he did in the face of rejection.

Man, he handled that well.

Could you imagine You're like, well, I'm pretty sure is the sure thing I'm going to Hawaii?

Nope, just a flatinise. It was a tiny ice cube and I kind of spit it in my cup and it's it launched on the side of my mouth and rested on your arm. One time, I was eating a burger onto my arm. I just washed my hands.

It's not Pete had a burger.

I was eating a burger at Hanano's and I bit into it and there was a pepper in the burger. It squirted pepper juice into the man's eye next to me.

Yes, directly in his eye, and.

He was like, what the fuck was I basically maced him and he was actually mad. He grabbed me and I'm like, oh my god, that was such an accident.

I didn't mean to pepper your eye.

And then he ended up being some guy that worked at Lapstub and he was totally like a comedy ticketing person.

Thank God.

Yeah, yeah, I think I've told you this story, but I did the same thing. I bit down on a cherry tomato when we were I was twelve and we were at a dance. We were like at a dance convention in San Francisco and our my jazz dancing.

This is when you were in that competitive jazz dance trip at the height.

Of like flash dance popularity. Every every girl took jazz. They called it jazz. Sure, sure, And so we went.

Everyone ended their routine with backwards chair pulling a bucket waters.

Everyone was a stripper age be damn.

So we went there and it was like it was called the Debree Dance Convention, and you like, you did a bunch of routines and then you got picked and then if you got like there was a chance you could go to Los Angeles.

It was all this weird, dumb bullshit. I'm sure it was a scamp.

But at the last night they had like a dinner for everybody, and so a couple girls there had parents there, but most of us did not. And this woman was sitting across from me. Of course she was wearing a white silk shirt, and of course she was like one of the fancy fancy moms or whatever. And I bit into a cherry tomato and the cherry tomato innerds squirted across the table onto her white silk shirt, and she was like.

Oh, oh my god.

And had this reaction like she was in like a Rodney Dangerfield movie, like she's.

Like to get this draggling.

And I was just sitting there with cherry tomato dripping down my chin like smiling.

I just didn't know what to do.

And it wasn't like I bit into it like a you know what I mean, It was just like normal salad eating.

Oh my god, you'd never know because usually chances are it's gonna square it somewhere in your mouth, not out of the tiny hole that you maybe left.

Maybe it was breathing at the same time. I don't know what I did wrong. But man, this lady.

Was ys Hey, someone should have told you this a long time ago.

You did nothing wrong, thank you.

Somebody should have told me this a long time ago. Show business as hell.

When someone should have told her, that's a long time ago. White silk is out, that's staying. I did you a favor, honey, all the way November. Now take the white silk out.

God shot. There was some white silk boxer craze. I don't know if it was a craze, but there was a year where I had nothing but silk boxers. They were on sale to the bond marchhe or some silk was a thing for a while, Silk ties for Dad's, silk boxers for the boy. But and the white silk and they defied gravity. No, I know, I had purple.

I know it's green anyway, the colors no matter. Okay, I'm sorry, I the colors no matter.

It was one hundred percent silk. And I'm trying to tell you what silk boxer. Oh my god, they would defy grid. They would just climb up my butt. Really yeah.

They as you shimmy and shake, They just hike and hike and hike and uh probably the shirts did that too, and you did her a favor.

Yeah, I think I did her a favorite.

The car to about five hundred and fifty dollars is roughly the estimate the price.

To me, that's a lot of dance troupe winnings. That's a are you out of town? Hello? That person.

I had a look on my face that was angry, but it was just one of sheer amazement I was.

I was literally going.

What.

You just got tomato on my silk? That? See? We're all keyed up for the end.

Oh, look at this, this is great. What is Team Mobius? Is that your old dance troupe?

Karen's parking curb says Team Mobius, and that needs to be painted. Do you need me to come over with stencils? Would you please? The miz killed gas? Would you make it into Team Modius? Just slightly changed? Yeah, just ver so slightly. Well, one day we'll know what that means. Now, and they get to the it's the tea that was here several teams ago.

Well, listen, I don't know that the caffeine ever kicked in. I know there's a couple times during this podcast where I ran blank and then I'd stop and say why am I talking about this?

And there? But I still think this was a great episode. No, I did to look.

No one's coming here looking for consistency topics to be deeply explored us to not repeat ourselves a bunch of times.

No, they can't be at this point. We're in year five.

We're the ones setting this tone of total random car talk.

Yeah, there's nothing else.

If you've come here for more, for history, lessons or advice or anything, this.

Is worthwhile at all. It's not happening. We should say this right at the top.

We should give that to me. Stephen, can you cut and paste this to the top? Stephen, you're like Clippy? Can you cut and paste this?

Comes now? Clippy is the editing mascot. Who's Clippy? We both have very similar eyes. Yes you do. And doesn't clippys have a mustage too? I will, we will give him a mustache. Blink link. We've done everything we can do. That's we've done it all.

I'm good that being said our last episode. I listened to it, and god, we really are funny.

Oh did it work out good?

Yeah?

Your god?

Back and forth tag, you say a thing, you set it up, knock them down. I set up you knock him down. Back and forth, non stop. Poignant things were said. We did give advice, We had good story. The question spawned of new stories. Oh I knocking around in there. I don't have to repeat myself.

No, no, We've got plenty to talk about, you know.

Then, thank you, guys, listeners and people who wrote in, wrote in, who tweeted or instagram.

Those who talked got pulled out their feather quill and penned us a nice world.

Thank you plicking that stamp and sending it to our box and sealing it with wax. Yes, with a little uh the secret? What is that with the book? The secret? Yes? Thank you, thank you you.

You visualized us into existence and we appreciate it.

And so yeah, I appreciate it. We appreciate it so much. I'm sorry.

I don't like when people do that, and I no, no, no, please. You're always welcome to do whatever. Observe you know that we will definitely shar getting guests again. It's just sometimes I can't be bothered to do it right.

You just can't. No, I understand. Billy WAYN Davis is coming on this podcast.

We have been ever, no one has been more promoted than Billy bw D.

And he's the funniest and a great He won't be able to live up to the hype because now it's like it's like a four episode promo sweep that no one's ever gotten before.

But it's going to be great.

Maybe next time, maybe if it works out. I apologize for my horsey laugh.

I apologize for my uh at this point, kind of bad driving, Stephen, what are you sad for?

Sorry for? I'm sorry for us making all those people uncomfortable in the crosswater? Okay, man, me too. Apology accepted. You've been listening to Do you need a ride? D y n ar? I leave you wanna way back?

Either way you want to be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you give us time and turning on engage.

We want to send you up inside. We want to welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it.

We scared her? Was it fine? Melbourne? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need with Karen and Chris