S2 - Ep. 20 - Dave Ross

This is exactly right. Are leaving?

I you wanna way back home?

Either way, we.

Want to be there.

Doesn't matter how.

Much baggage you claim and give us time and a terminal engage.

We want to send you off instat. We want to welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it.

We scared her? Was it fine? Melbourne?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Ride?

Do you need.

With Karen and Chris?

What to think about that? On the super Brat.

One one two?

But what huh?

What huh? Here we go, Here we go, Here we go. My name is Chris, and I'm here to say I'm terrible rapping tag the like away. It's better the first stime. When I'm freestyle wrapping, I try not to pre planet yes or put on some fake voice. Okay, welcome to Do you need to ride? This is Chris Fairbanks.

This is Karen Kilgarra.

You're taking a left on a street. Yes, we have a mobile podcast.

Can you believe it?

Yeah?

Three legged dog now just a plain old four legged dog.

Well, maybe keep our fingers crossed next time. Next time. If she keeps daywalking like that, we can get the dog we want.

Next time. I'll call out a suggestion to her.

Yeah, amputee dogs make more money on Instagram, ma'am.

Yeah, something like that. She hopefully would, yes, and that I know do agro.

I am.

Well, there's a lady just warning a slip. Oh wow, that is today.

She forgot the outer layer of her dress. That is a slip. But you know what, I'm not a shamer.

Good good for you.

Look at that she can you know, so she is. That's just one of those American apparel shiny shiny dresses.

I see.

They used to be a slip back in the eighties.

Thank you for explaining clothes to me, Chris, Women's clothes.

Now, don't get me started on underpants. Back in the fifties they were called bloomers, but the wires used to stick in every lady's bah boosom.

Oh, so many bosoms were killed in the fifties. Yeah, because of bloomer injuries. And then they created the wireless underpant.

The Yes, over seven million women were pulled. Yeah, it wasn't there, it was I think maybe not. It was certainly worn with under a dress, but it was a spring stool that you sat on.

Do you know what that's called? Do you mean that like back in the days, like the ladies on the old Windy's tabletops?

Yes?

Do you mean like the hoops in their hoopskirts that kept the skirt from there was an old timey dress.

No, that had a big like a butt, like a button goiter, but it was made of springs and you would sit on, oh, a bustle. Yes, is it called a bustle?

That was I think that was more like the eighteen hundreds, like the mid to late eighteen hundreds, and the bustles were like because you were supposed to have this big old rump. It was very like you know, I don't want to say symbolic. I don't think that's the right and phrase.

Everyone wanted one, and so around Christmas time people were hustling to get the.

Bus and that's where the phrase mussel and bustle. Yes, a lot of people don't know these things today.

Yes, if we give you nothing else, it's false information.

That's right now. Can I tell a true story that really is a true thing that happened to me?

Yes, thank you.

Wait, first I could get myself onto the two.

It's the kind of comedy people like hearing these days. Truth based story, truth based.

It's more helpful, right.

Yeah, okay, one liners have never helped anyone. You hear that, Mitch Edberg, so fun.

Rip, so fine, if you would find the exit that we need to take off the two, because we're getting onto the two.

Now, all right, which is one of my more favorite. Of course, everyone knows.

That the one ten is I mean sorry, the one oh five is my favorite freeway, but it's too It's like no one knows about it. Yeah, same, and the two is not far behind, but it does have much.

More traffic on it.

No, my favorite?

Which one?

Then we get your truth zerum?

Yeah, story, that's what I call that new segment.

Zerum.

I like the ninety the nineties. Yeah, the Marina Freeway. You go straight to my front step for real, back when I lived with all those retired boat captains.

The ninety What does that go along the water?

It goes basically from the corner of Sloughs and where that Fox Hills Mall is in Culver City. It starts there and just goes like four miles to Lincoln Boulevard. But it's a full part, six lane freeway that's just for the locals. It's like those those retire rich boat captains just made their own freeway because they were tired of it, said sagging through town.

Yeah, I mean look, and who could blame them? It's they called the ninety.

Yes, the ninety.

Never heard of it.

I've lived here for twenty five years.

It's the ninety. It's great, aka the Marina Freeway.

I love it. Okay, next time I'm over there, I'm going to hop on and then hop back off.

It's just right.

The only way you can stay on it is if you get a flat.

And if you have a kind of commitment do it. It's a whole different experience.

Tell your truth story.

Fine, exit. Also it's not for a little bit, okay, true story number one. Also, the name of my new acoustic album.

Is that I was driving up now.

I tweeted this, So it's a little irritating because I'm doing a tweet, but it really happened on that day.

Of tweets on that it's a scam and I'm sorry.

The thing is that if I'm excited enough to tweet about it, it really happened, and I want to talk about it.

Like the tweets, they want to hear the story.

So this is a behind the tweet story that I love to tell.

So I'm going over the office yesterday I think it was, and I'm going up Western, which is the way I found is the fastest way to get from my house to the office, right, because I've gone many many ways and they all took forty five minutes. So going up Western for miraculously, in the middle of the day on a Friday, there's this huge patch with no traffic, like literally no cars coming or going on to Western.

You thought something, what's wrong?

Well, it looked absolutely like the apocalypse sure or armageddon whichever, or the what's the one where harmagedton.

I think is what they used to call it. Remember that was something they recorded about.

Yeah, getting that's when all the cars are there. Yeah, this is the reverse. This is anti Carmageddon.

Oh wow, this is no cars.

So it looks like the what what's the thing when everybody gets called up to heaven?

Stephen The Leftovers, Yes TV series, The lefts Okay, okay, no cars. One dude, very tall skateboarding up Western all by himself.

I'll cross all four to six lanes.

It seems like my guy right so too tall. He I'm not.

I'm coming up on him, but I'm slowing down.

He's getting over to the right, and as he's getting over it, turns around because here's my car. And then he turns all he turned like, turns himself around on the skateboard, looks at me and gives me a salute as as I pass him, and as he continues going forward right now backward.

Full fingers together and straight, very official looking military salute, but backwards.

He's now standing backwards on his skateboard. It was the coolest thing I've ever seen. I immediately pointed at him like that next one.

Do you have any true stories from after?

That? Was it?

I just found out he used to be in the military and then starts skating.

None of that part happened. All I did was point it as he me. I then pointed at him, and it kind of.

In a way that reminded me of Ursula the Sea Witch, where I did one kind of pinky fourth finger, third finger point, very dramatic. Yes, I think he really got it. Oh that's great, but no, it was just really exciting because it was just him and me open road on Western and he decided to have some fun with it. And That's what I'm looking for in the world in my life.

EXPERI and I.

You know, I'm a skateboarder, so I already, but I appreciate that that made you feel That made you feel good. I've ever seen a similar situation to that happened where this kid just grabbed onto my wheel well and just nodded at me as if it was totally normal to be doing that. And I nodded at him, and I drove and he gave me a thumbs up to go faster. I towed him up a San Francisco street and then he immediately belined it down the hill into traffic, and

I was there.

I was doing shows on my own and before that with Caitlin and Jackie, and it was the funnest time.

Gil Jackiecasion.

Yes, and they are just the best. And I had so much fun. And then I stuck around San Francisco and did some a show in Mill Valley, which I would like to talk about. No one in the audience was under fifty, and they were all at least fiscally conservative. But it's funny because it's like we're bill weird and grateful, dead guys retire and now it's a rich person place

He's going to be so attackable.

I can't wait to talk to Dave. We have him on months before. So many things have happened since at the time, I believe he was selling a fake campaign sign that that didn't it say like literally anyone else or something it was.

I don't it was like twenty sixteen, I don't know, not Trump though, yeah, right, cho, Yeah, you have had good memory.

I thought that was the funniest thing ever.

It was great.

I was paraphrasing it. I don't know if it's paraphrasing. If you're adding words and misquoting the whole thing, I think.

That's just I think that is paraphrasing. Yeah, and taking liberties.

And taking or being illiterate.

It's all those things here everything, And then we're going to take a rite at the hospital.

No, I'm a diagonal, so getting the right lane.

Okay, And what a gorgeous area Dave lazing it really is? What if Dave lived at the hospital, What if that's how we found out he was injured.

Here's my address, and it's just in traction. He just wanted visitors at the hospital orderly throw him in the backseat.

Dave, you should have told us that you were in a terrible car accident. I didn't want your pity.

In these orderlies. It's like they don't really work here. What's Oh, that's just the fat boys. Oh you remember the movie Disorderly? Sure? Sure, who doesn't?

Who couldn't?

Boy, It's like he lives right here.

He has an album coming out with some of my favorite album cover art I've read.

It's an amazing does so much job of like like making these little animations to promote it.

I text.

I just texted him and said and said we're outside, and he said, okay, I'm only twenty minutes away.

Oh that's so funny, which is something I would do in real life.

Well, should we pause for a moment.

No, he's joking.

Oh that's right.

I mean it really seemed like he was joking. I can't imagine.

Yeah, yeah, that would be funny. I don't think he's just it's a very real it's hard to read tone in text jokes.

That's exactly where you can't read it. Right, and that's why so many people get divorced.

It's it's never gonna work out if you're in a phone based long distance marriage, No fucking way, just because of the communication. They don't make a font for sarcasm.

No, they need to.

And you know what's funny is, even if you consider yourself to have a great sense of humor, few of us get sarcasm when it matters most. I've had so many times where I read and reread like it's someone that I know a little bit but not really well. And then I'm like, they could be joking and they could be serious, and I have no idea, Like the floor drops out from underneath the fun text thread because you're just like, I don't now, I.

Don't know what's going on.

He said he is home.

Oh good, I mean I believe he's feeding his cat.

He's walking out. Now, do you want to go a place?

Are you happy?

Asshole's I'm in him, like in the inner space, I am Martin short very right now, I'm floating in his urethra There he is. He's walking in front of the car, Karen, he's raving guitars can now yay day?

Sorry?

Yeah, the old locked door prank.

We have plugged you right up to the locked door.

Oh my god, Hi, Hi Daviut.

That's Stephen.

Do you know Stephen?

Yeah, alright, he did his podcast a while ago.

And also we were just emailing about it happening again.

Wow, speaking of happening again, this is your second time on the podcast. We've already recapped some of the stuff. Last time. You had that campaign sign that was going viral and people were ripping it off. Oh my god, look out suck. Sorry, that was close.

Jesus you want to die? Yeah, okay.

Can I just say though, if that like, if a cops had to come to that accident that was an asshole that saw a person trying to back out of a driveway onto the street, they passed them on the.

Yep, Oh yeah, that sucked. In their defense, we were on the wrong side of the road but knew he was backing into the street. Oh, let's go, let's follow him. That's it, It's finally gonna happen.

Karen. I'm with you in the sense of, like, here's the thing. You were completely in the wrong, you know what.

I mean, It.

Would not have allowed this if I know.

But that's being said, I am, I am.

I think human kindness and an understanding of what's going on was not displayed, was not displayed, and it's more important than following the fucking rule exactly.

Well, can I just say, how do you back out of that parking driveway? Oh?

I never back out as I just drive in and park in my spot and then I turn around in there and come out head first.

Got it?

But tell me will you back now?

I will?

Will you back me up by backing out next time?

Absolutely?

No, I won't back down.

I actually feel the way you you felt about that. With a lot of traffic stuff, like like something that happens in La a lot is traffic will back up across an intersection and cars won't be paying attention and they'll drive through the intersection and then they'll just be stopped in the middle. Then the light will change and then they're in the middle of the intersection, blocking people.

Yeah? They're the people in front of you? Yeah, h in front of me. Get on the sidewink.

I'm gonna make you regret this email.

We're watching a fender that person fall asleep.

No, that's just the la thing he wants to get over. So he's just getting over. It's kind of what I did earlier. That it is down here.

That's the thing, Karen, you were wrong. But there's a thing called human decency, and it goes beyond our man made traffic laws.

Traffic laws are man made. They're not God's laws.

This is you like to thank God had anything to do with it, But this is all the Devil's one.

And then on the fifth he created an unprotected left last night. Oh yeah, it's a tweet.

It's a tweet. We do a lot about out here saying tweets.

Yeah, yeah, we do tweet repeats.

That's what we like to call it on the show, tweet repeat.

I like it, Dabe, what's going on?

Oh man?

What is your album?

My album is new. That's what I've been working on the most.

How much traffic material do you do on it?

Oh man? Yeah?

Track one is called traffic and track two is called airplanes.

So you heighten it.

Literally if you're not in Karen Kilgarriff's first album.

WHOA Wow. And that's the one where you just do her material.

Absolutely.

Uh no, it's yeah, that's what I've been working on and that just came out, and so today I've just been kind of chilling.

Now go ahead.

My question is did you record it? Is it one show? Did you collect up a bunch of different performances?

It's two shows?

I like, Yeah, I did the thing that's so scary, which is I I had two shows in a row in one night, and I announced that it was the album.

Recording, so everyone in the room knew.

So it was terrifying for all of us, right, you know, everyone in the room, including me, felt a great deal of pressure for it to be good, more so than a regular show.

Yeah. It's hard to do it as a secret though, because you got microphones and absolutely and unless you hide them under the seat. But what are you oprah?

Well yeah, and then if you don't make it a big public thing, then people don't know it's a big deal and to support you and share.

But I will say, even though that was all terrifying, it was cool.

It was at the Echo. It was two shows in one night and eight and at ten and they both filled up and they were incredible. Yeah, it's weird. I mean, I think we're all. We all feel the same about stand up in this car. It's so fucking hard for me to feel good about something, and I feel good about that album.

I feel very good.

That's that's terrific. That's right, It's all about my special if I ever get that, damn, sang finished.

Oh man, I want to see that so badly.

But did you find that your album was mostly the second show. I'm just getting because you get that first one out of the way.

No, it was actually mostly the first show.

Wow, how different than what I thought.

No, Yeah, I like everything. Well, you know, I mean it was a little bit of luck in that the first show was so electric. It might be the best show I've ever done.

That's great.

It filled up, and you know, it was just cool because I started stand up in La and and I came up here the whole way, and I'm like pretty loud about the fact that I'm an LA comic too, and so to like record at a venue in LA that I love and neighborhood that I love Like all other LA people I knew, saw that and came and were supportive and yeah, the difference between the first show

Like fucked up and uh and riffed and stuff.

Yeah and uh.

And so that's the reason that the first one.

Is at the show where you asked if they like country music and then one lady said yes, and you said that shit sucks at start chanting its own name.

Actually I did that both shows, okay, and I dude, okay, So that is in my that was in my act.

It's the beginning of a bit actually about how I like country music.

But uh, I start that way, I say his Nathon like country and then usually someone whoops or says yes, and then I shame them, of course, but since it was on the album, I wanted to afford for any possibility because every now and then no one cheers, and then that's funny.

But I need I wanted it on the album.

So I called Jake Weisman and asked him to yell, yeah, that's crazy, yeah, and he was like sure, and I told him, thank you caring so sorry, like the concerned mother.

Yes, yes, I love carpool. I always have.

Satchel of overdue books.

Well don't we all?

It's what you're like.

So wait, did Jake deliver? Was he good at delivering his line realistically?

He did? But then luck there were other people.

You can't really hear him because a couple other people were like, whoo yeah, Jake, I think purposely didn't do it that loud because I told him. I was like, look, man, this is a shitty thing I'm asking you because I'm going to immediately shame you after you yell the thing.

I asked you to yell.

I think that he, of all people, is okay with me, so do perhaps his lifeblood? Yeah, that's terrific. And I it's been really impressive the animations and the promoting. We texted and I was like, it took a long time for you to make that animated. I guess is it a gift?

Is it a jiff?

It's actually a series of stills, yes, that you flick through on Instagram story. I'm a very specific artist. I like to do things that are not as modern as the current technology we have. Well, and take way longer.

It always looks good to do that, because essentially it's a flip book, which when I was a kid, I used to make that. I spent way too much time with those flip a cube like the post it note cube, and I just do scenes after scenes, and I always wished I still had them so I could scan them and do like you did, because you can.

Tell Chris, Actually, I mean, I'm so sorry for doing this. What because this is such an intense plug. But I didn't make cdzer tapes with my alm. I literally made a flip book.

Oh my god, that's cool. I'm gonna play it.

It's like your dream is coming through.

It's the Yeah, look at I'm a little happy kid. Look there's look it's moving.

Dame's thing is moving.

It's an optical ludar. He is his shirts over his face. Oh no, it circles clothes and then.

He sunk into the flower.

The flowers are depleting.

I wish you people could see this.

Oh and then a thing shot out. It's like a three D book. It's a download card at the end.

Shoots into your lap. That was amazing, Chris, Happy birthday.

Oh I hate that. I always make this podcast about me.

That is so cool.

It's great, what you guys for doing that.

This is such a no, that's you. Come on, man, I really do all. You can keep that anyway, but that means you So.

You're like, I'll take that back, thank you. Well, I only have four of these.

Okay, So when you made the Instagram story animations and stuff where you were using these images that you had already or did you just do it again?

Yeah?

I mean I'm also I was a graphic designer for a long time.

I guess, I mean I still technically Yeah, my job for radio DJ it was a radio DJ and I quit that. And then I was a web developer for a while and that, like graphic design was part of that.

Dave, that's a real like adult job. One hit me with their car.

Everyone today happening while recording a podcast is dangerous.

We almost pulled a peptone with you.

Did you choice to My choice to do an east west drive too is a terrible mistake. Here at sundown right, we are no Magellans. I think I should go left right to get toward Echo Bark.

Whatever direction were away from the sun Glendale right.

I just did a big weird you.

Yeah, so this is go left.

Okay, absolutely, and you know what, just take this guy all the way down to San Fernando and bang a left.

Holy ship day.

Okay.

So you're so, you're a graphic designer.

You're sitting at your desk, You're dreaming of more, your sweatshirt is pulled up under your glasses, over your nose.

There is.

It's cool, that's great, I'm slipping through.

I am, so you know, it's funny.

The one thing about having made a flip book instead of a CD people buy is it's like another thing. So it's not like people are congratulating me on the record and stuff. But this is the first time I've been near someone else experiencing the flip book, and I'm so happy it was you.

And I'm happy to see it because a long time ago I was talking to Ryan about doing an album and trying to do a graphic novel and have it be a book and not this straightforward though, where it's like just an apparatus to contain the At the time, people are still had CDs, and right right, I thought, well, maybe the CD could somehow be in the book, and it sounded like it would be very expensive. Did was this like? Did it makes.

Definitely more expense? Damn?

I do feel like it's something going on that was that girl was not stop our salts back Jesus this weekend. Only these people are doing the vehicular version of eating a naked man's face. But you've also been saying that generals all day.

Was it expensive?

Yeah, more so than other types of merchant. It was like buying him in book. It was like eight bucks a book.

Or something, right, but it's worth It's very cool Ryan from a special thing, so cool.

I was like, he's, hey, man, do you need me to like throw in on this or we can just not do it? And he was like, you know what, man, I'll lose money on this if I have to. I just want to flip that.

He's such a good he's a visionary, he knows, he knows what to invest in.

And why Grammy now he does? That's so insane. For whose album will Patton oh rat? Yeah, he put out the Patton Oswalt's album that won a Grammy, and so he has a Grammy. And he didn't tell me that. He told me that I would hate him.

Right, he wouldn't.

That's not his style.

When the when him and Matt asked me to do an album, I was so honored, I was I almost cried.

But you know, later on when they weren't around, not in front of them, never never, but.

Yeah, yeah, they would have immediately punched me in the arm as hard as they can't the recess round, just like over in the Tan Bark when they corner me at lunchtime, so specifically real, So you're on.

The Special Thing Records label? Yes, how and how does that feel?

It feels good? It feels really good. I like it. I Yeah.

It's like flipping through their catalog the other day and it's just like, god damn, everything on here is so you know what I mean.

It's like, Paul F.

Tompkins is one of my favorite comedians of all time. All this stuff's on there.

It's just great.

That guy. Is he doing stand up? I think last time I saw him. I'm like, I'm just always trying to get everyone to do stand up. I know, I'm a person that wants to quit every other time doing it.

So well.

Yeah, when you love someone's stand up, all you want is for them to keep doing stand up and they it's so hard and has such a little monetary return that it's like the thing people.

Are the readiest to quit right right, left heres, Sorry did.

Interrupt you, Dave, But I just at Starbucks drive through and if we can get into that thing, we're doing it.

Oh okay, it's kind of it's kind of what we do.

It's kind of the whole premise of this podcast.

Yeah, it's not about you. It's about that sweet sweet.

No.

I know, I love making laugh regretting that.

Laugh that is immediately followed by a yeah.

It's like reacting to someone falling down.

It's not except you're the one that fell down, one that.

Fell down comedically.

Oh well, then you know what, Dave, I'm gonna I'm gonna steal your thunder right now and step in and tell you that. Because Chris has been trying to get me to start doing sets again, and I just ran to start a band, but true one step at a time. But I saw Mandy Johnson recently and she signed me up for the next Super serious. So in October, I have two months to write material and basically scramble together.

Fifteen years ago.

God, And that's what you can make it fresh, just out of tag.

I don't have to just change guys.

To dig into my post of the don't a stick is so crazy, just elaborate.

So what's the deal with global warming not being so bad? You know those people?

Okay, have to pause, absolutely sorry, absolutely, Oh yeah. I have this story a friend, Lewis, who's one of those people who is just like regular person, smart person, but just terrible at school and processing everything that had to do with school. I don't understand how he was this bad, but anyway, he uh, he went to school college in New York. I was in LA and I get this message from him at two in the morning. He's like, hey, I have a paper to turn in in three hours.

Can you read this? And I was like sure, and I read it and I found an error in the title.

The title was the Long Term Ramifications of the Continuation of Apartheid into the twenty first century. This happened in the year two thousand and I was like, I just wrote, Lewis, apartheid is over, and he wrote back.

Fuck no.

Yeah.

He read.

He like researched the whole paper and like read books and stuff, and not in a single place did he discover that apartheid was over.

So he's just like a couple of years behind it.

Yeah.

I guess it must have been because he like probably didn't use the internet and he probably read old books.

I guess. Wow. It's so. I mean, in its defense, everyone just has all the information available immediately.

But it was also the kind of thing where like you found out they're apart end, you know what I mean, Like there was a thing.

I just knew.

You've got to break them the good news, no thing that's true to him. It's almost like you and yeah, well you don't know that I didn't. Well, actually, you know I have done enough research.

You know you haven't.

Scart oh time do you? Doesn't even need a straw?

No, thank you, no, thanks, thank you so much forgot Starbucks gives you a sippy cup.

Now I know, I like it straws.

The infantilization has begun.

Absolutely.

What's that word infantilization?

Yeah, after I finished, I'm gonna go girl, Like, well, I lots of people talk about this in act, but it's that thing of like when you're constantly holding a Starbucks, it's essentially like your baba that you hold onto a day, lying and suck off of and are addicted to and it's that and then all of the like you know, comic book movies and video game culture and everything that it's just like, nobody has to be older than eight years old if they don't want to be.

I want to have like a blouse like shirt with a cameousol on it that I left and there's just a camelback of coffee where my breast would be.

Sorry, like female breast.

There's no there's no questions that you're right. If it wasn't your male bas breast, I'd be drinking my own milk. Of course, wow, some man coffee.

So it will be inside your it would be in your tits.

Camelback as a brand, it's a back a camel Let me tell a lot of guys. A lot of guys use it well hiking.

Do you wear it against your skin?

You can't usually wear we can sower, No, but go ahead. I have a taped around my chest with dug tape like it's some sort of contraband.

Like, so it's gonna be in the same position as your boobs.

There's a man riding a bike with no tires. He's simply riding.

Who that was a rims ride?

And that I don't know what that means. Doesn't mean he was the second to steal. He stole the bike, but the guy before him just stole the tires. But there is something, there's something going on.

It must be a full moon to know what.

Lights have been out everywhere. Something is going on with the grid.

Someone calls city Hall.

I think we figured it out. Get my big red phone. The commissioner needs to hear this.

No, Dave, If tonight truly is the end of the world, will there be a final good heroine or will you guys say thanks to the bookstore, We're going to probably take us down the street and some drinking.

Good heroin is happening rain shine or armageddon? Yeah, I've been saying that phrase. Here's how dedicated I am to stand up. I hope that I die performing I want to die on.

Dave.

Last week I talked about going to a trivia night and the first question was who's on the far right on Mount Rushmore?

And I was like, I don't know who's on Mount Rushmore or anything about anything.

Yeah, like a nervous breakdown about actually not being smart, I mean really upsetting.

That is exactly what happens to me every time I go to a trivia night. Yeah, I don't know any of the answers.

I feel bad, right, and then I try to compensate for it in the way that I try to compensate for anything everything in my life, which is to be funny.

Right.

But the problem is that when people go to a trivia night, they want you to shut the fuck up and try to answer the question.

Yeah, that's right.

And I don't want to do anything where I can't joke around. Yeah.

I like trivia knight, but I do know that I'm not good at it. And I have friends that I you know, they didn't totally excel in school or like go to college and learn a bunch of stuff, but they watch Jeopardy a lot and they just know that ship. It's like the topic keeps coming up.

I can't do it.

Friends have watched Jeopardy and they know everything. I'm like, what, why do I feel so dumb? You You've wore millions of dollars in your living room.

It's it's mostly lakes.

It's just lakes.

Yeah, just learn the ways.

Baseball lakes and baseball basically.

What all knowledge boils down and I refuse to participate.

What is the Minnesota Twins?

And the question was what president right now?

Oh?

Terrific ship, Oh the Minnesota Twins. I haven't thought about the Twins in a while. I wonder how they're doing this season. Yeah, good old Kirby Pucket Dude, I remember Kirby Puckett. What a cool name.

Yeah, it really is.

That was like when I cared about baseball back then, when I don't know, I was like last off the tongue.

Kirby.

Kirby is a baby's name that needs to come back.

People are going to do all kinds of weird, crazy shit and random characters.

How about just a Kirby baby name, isn't it?

I would name my baby Kirby if the name changed when they were like eight.

Yeah, right right, you can't.

Kirby is unfair to a brown up to.

A forty four year old?

Yeah yeah.

In the Holiday and Breakfast isprest line, Kirby, please because I go Kirby, Kirby.

Do you want this USA today or not?

Actually, the more we say it, the more I think it's a great adult Kirby, Get more firewood, Kirby, Kurby R Dog.

Kirby, Get up off the curb, get up off out of the curb.

Yeah, Kirby. Do you like Kurby?

Your enthusiasmby, that's why we call you Kirby.

Maybe you have a baby, when do you get to name it?

Day?

Have you've been thinking about having a baby the.

Name of Chris Fairbanks?

Yeah, that would be the answer. That's right.

First name Chris Fairbanks, last name Karen kil Garrett. Yes, I am so desperate to be like.

That's how you do it? Sacrifice that baby.

I don't know what I would name a kid. I yeah, I've never thought about it. I'm not even anywhere near that, you know what I mean. McKenna Kenna, you got it? Okay, McKenna Ross, Yeah, that's good. Maybe I would.

I don't know, McKenna. If it's a boy, mackenzie.

What if I were saying to it Ross three times?

Ross?

Ross Ross?

Why wouldn't you name your baby Glen carry o Glen?

Yes?

How about just Rick Ross Jr?

Oh, God, get in there, Rick Ross Junior will be its first name? Rick Ross Junior.

Ross. Because I'm deeply unfair as a person.

What was Laurie Kill Martin's joke about Laurie Kill Martin. I don't know. I think I'm pretty much told him.

Yeah, do you do either of you have kids?

Get to know us, Dave, I'm.

So glad you said I left him outside to Dick. I am no. I've never no, never had a close call, never had a false alarm, never had a healthy sperm.

N I didn't. I didn't ask any of those questions.

Really really a prospects prospect I have never had said, dried up like kindling inside.

My bloodline is just a dead end of the stack of dry wood.

I was born.

The doctor told my mother he's going to live a great life, but he will not have common Yes, your baby can't come, and he never will.

He's basically shiny and sealed up like a kendle. It's amazing. We've never seen it. It looks pristine down there, his leg, he's made of wax from the waist down.

It looks like we stand it it. Do either of you want kids? Yeah?

Like I just started getting into him in the last couple of years.

What Chris, don't go on about that.

I'm sorry, it's true. I've gone on about it.

Chris. I'm I'm gonna pay you a compliment here.

Okay, And is it that I'm a terrific father.

Absolutely, no, you like, I don't know why I prefaced it that way. I just feel like I'm on your podcast. I wanted to warn I'm about to brown nose a little bit, you know what I mean. Now, you have this joke that I love that you've been doing lately. I don't know if you've been doing it very recently, but in the past year I've seen you do it a couple of times about redheaded kids.

It's like one of my favorite jokes.

It's it's but then it's so I can back out of it because for a moment it offends a lot of people. Right then I've figured out how to pull out of it.

Oh you did, Oh okay, that's why you stopped doing that.

Dave brought it up because he really really bothers him.

Yeah.

Yeah, it triggers me.

It hurt a lot of feeling a lot of pale skinned feelings.

It's really funny, Like, I get it, and I will never tell someone.

I will never like shit on someone or shame them for being triggered by something, because you know, it's very real for some people.

But then also if you couldn't come up.

With the reason because you know what, you know what, I'm actually coming up with nothing.

But it's funny because I actually I've been through tons of shit in my life and I don't have that in my brain really, and so there is a certain amount where I'm like, yeah, you're talking about.

Fucking kids who can't like I thank you. Again.

I tell people I fuck kids all the time, and I don't fuck kids, and.

I feel like that that's clear context has been created just by nature of me acting this way.

But once again, it doesn't. I never think it's weird that people it. I just don't understand it personally.

It feels like though people hating it since you know that is that is basically it's that guy driving on the left side of the right side of the.

Car neat car, but he knows it is a British car.

I believe, Yes, that man was shipped over here from Britain.

He had a beautiful car, a nice jaw line, and his future looks bright, you know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, because of that, your future looks dark.

Yes, yes, we can't both have a bright future at that intersection he wanted. Yeah, so many everyone is crazy. This is the worst striving. Now, this guy's drifting. There's a bike in the middle of the road and.

Almost saw a moped eat it. Oh it's crazy.

I would have been just should pull over and hold each other while shivering.

Absolutely, honestly, I'm up for that whenever you guys want, okay, have each other twenty minutes.

So you what was your post about this whole Instagram thing where people where everyone was cutting and pasting that legal notice that oh mine? Oh yeah?

Oh yeah, right, Karen, do you know what he's talking about?

I think so, but I skimmed it on Twitter.

I mean, yeah, because you're not a grammar.

It was originally someone posted this graphic that was a screenshot of test but then the word Instagram had been pasted into it runt of times, and it was like basically saying, Instagram change, there are terms of service. They can now share your information and use your photos for whatever they want. But if you post this graphic then it's like legally binding.

It's in your in your account right that they're not allowed to use your stuff.

And everyone kind of fell for it, and then immediately the people that didn't do it, not out of seeing through they lie or just waited out of laziness. They're like, like, I was like, ah, should I do that? I don't care, go ahead, I have nothing to hide. I think it's why I didn't. But then immediately everyone was making fun of the people that.

Did do it.

Yeah, so a bunch of comics posted it and that we're like, hey, watch out, And then a bunch of other comics were like, everyone who posted this is.

Stupid ye old yeah, because they just hadn't done it yet.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, it was so funny to watch I do.

That's a really weird element of comedy where comedians yell about how dumb other comedians.

Are all the time. Yeah, every time I see it, I'm like, guys, we're all just gonna keep being here.

But it is that thing of a trend comes up, and then whether or not you participate in it, obviously is a very loaded decision, at least for me, every time, where whether it's a game or a trend or whatever, and then you're.

Afraid to do it because you know it's hacky, but.

Then you do it anyway, and then when the wave crests, the new wave is everybody going, you fucking idiot, for doing that. Yeah, and that to me is so much hackier yah then being then at least just participating and having fun, because who gives a shit about Twitter anyway. But like, there's nothing I hate more than the second wave I Told you so people because it's like the easiest thing.

There is to do, right, Man, We're going to see I predict that we're going to see a lot of that I Told you so shit in a big way over the next few years because of all the like all how important social justice online was to people for a long time, and then there's it's going to turn into people that's going to sort of die down a little bit and the like because it, you know, it got extreme and lack nuance in in some ways.

And then there's gonna be a shitload of people being like everyone who did that as an asshole.

Yeah.

Man, I don't want to have any part of any of it.

Well, you know, because I think there's a lot of trolls that hide as the people that you would assume as an average white person to be involved in the social justice So then they're but they're actually troull So they have this weird hidden persona and they're like kind of tweaking the art to make whoever, whichever minority look like assholes. Like that's the thing I've noticed that's super creepy and weird is like people coming on like I

It's my own extension of your identity, we have to get a driver's license. I really feel like it's similar to that.

Because then all those people that like, oh, I guess I was just trolling that twelve year old because I was bored, like those people know, because there's so much creepy shit people do.

Hidden away. I mean like it just plays on the worst of like human instinct kind of it's gross. I hate the Internet, I really do.

Yeah, I hate yeah, yeah, yeah, I really it's too bad too. It's just.

And the answer is just getting up. Like there's like where we stayed up in the Bay Area, but it was near your stomping grounds of Pedaloma, but it was like log Anitas. It was in the in the mountains, surrounded by redwood trees. It was beautiful, yes, and yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's one.

Of the prettiest places. I loved there.

I loved your town.

I'm quite proud of my town and my dairy.

But my my phone was my phone was kind of worthless there, and it was this weight was lifted off my shoulders. I felt terrific. Yeah, I felt like early ninety Stare banks Man. Remember I was killed.

You're so young, a fresh oh man. Remember that guy?

Yeah he's gone now dead.

I like removed Twitter almost completely from my life, really, and I like, yeah, I mean I had, you know, I had built up followers there, and so I felt shitty about just ending that.

Also did end it?

You got off it was only two hundred and thirty two people.

Yeah, it was two hundred and thirty two.

And it was also I made most of those accounts myself, and that's the work I'm talking about.

I had to fucking open all account. We get a Gmail address, you know what I mean. It was a lot of effort.

No, I like built up like it was like fifteen thousand or so followers, and I was like, I still might want to promote stuff. I don't want to like hold up a middle finger to that, you know, but I didn't want to look at it.

So I literally you.

Can just suspend it or what do you call it? Make it it?

Yeah, I just wanted to.

Instead, I just turned it into like one big dumb joke, and I download this app where you're that will tweet for you once a day, and so I just programmed this app to tweet the same thing for me every day at one pm. And it's just so my account if you look down, I promote stuff and then I deleted immediately, and then the rest of my account it just says what day is it?

Likes of times?

Oh, I like tweet it, Yes I have. That's been happening a lot.

It's funny.

Yeah, I've gotten followers from it. And I never look at Twitter anymore. Right now, I am promoting the album, but other than that, I'm just not looking at it. So I cannot tell you how how much it's changed my life for the better.

Just like I don't. The app is hidden on my phone.

I'll go days without looking at the Twitter app, and it's just like, oh my god, it's so great.

You're pretty addicted.

I'm pretty addicted.

You off something.

Yeah, that's right, thank you, Chris. That's right. I took a month off in was it the month of May and it was just a delight. It was much better.

But I have the thing where there's a little elements for because I don't do sets, I need to write jokes.

Like I really thought you said I don't do sex.

I don't do sex.

I need to write Twitter. That's really what it all boils down to.

It is another sex or Twitter sex.

If you're on Twitter, you're not having sex.

That was the thing with me. I actually started having like a lot of sex so I could get you.

You're too busy for Twitter. See that's nice, that's a great. Yeah, another one.

Have the scariest day.

You stay there, sir?

Oh god, I come Comparis. This is my neighborhood.

Uh so you're on you're staying on Twitter because it scratches that itch.

I came back because I just have these media acre jokes. I really need to tell the people.

You've got a great joke. Yeah, let's not do that, let's not play that. Okay, you're right, Twitter joke.

I got to get back on the the hyper ego machine from my October set.

Ye, you're very good on Twitter.

Yeah, yeah, thanks to people.

Did you know that you have a someone who made an Instagram fan account for you and they just post screenshots of your tweets.

Someone comes, there's people who killed gear.

Gift gift, that's a schmooth, is that with?

She's made gifts of like different things I've been on, which is horrifying, truly a horror for me.

But it's well done, and uh, I know it's not caught up on a lot of your brain material. Everyone's honking, everyone's crazy everyone, everyone's eating each other's faces.

It's a I think we're peaking in terms of people being on pills. Maybe that's what it is.

Actually, this neighborhood has a massive opiate problem.

Really, yes, really, yes, I moved into it.

Yes, you're their dealer.

You know that.

God, I'm two blocks. I'm not the corner of crisis and opioid. Go dude, God, for the fucks say it is horrifying.

I mean, what's the last movie you've seen, Dave?

Yeah?

Oh boy. The last time I saw a movie in the theater was Citizen Kane.

How about me? It was like last night I saw a band at u terr Gram Ballroom, which is one of my favorite. It was Thy Siegel. Go ahead, lord, it was fun time.

I didn't.

I mean, there's those bands where you let's know him. It didn't really speak to me on you know, Spotify on shuffles, but man live, my face was being melted off. But it wasn't Mushroom.

He's incredible live. I'm actually going to see her and tonight. Who is from Marin County?

What band?

Uh ceremony? Do you know them? They're from Ronert Park.

That's the town next to Paloma.

Oh, no way, yeah, And I like I always think of them with Pedaluma because Anthony, the guitar player, who's the guy that I know in the band, he runs a festival up there in Pedaluma every year called Homesick.

Oh oh, I thought the comedy festival. There's a comedy festival there.

I saw that. It's called Pedalama.

Yeah.

It was a really I love Dominic, I know and love Dominic very much, done very well, And that is a terrible name.

Yes, let me defend Dominic. Let me defend Dominic.

Who look at this it sounds like Petaluma.

No, it's that in the seventies in Pedaluma they had a T shirt you could buy at nothing but t shirts. The local iron on T shirt shop, which was very big in like nineteen seventy eight, and.

I was going to say, what were you born in the nineteenth century.

Kind of And it's funny.

Basically, it was a little it was like a little almost looked like a cartoon of a muppet and he was just like a guy with yellow feathers and long legs and big googly eyes. And it said Petalama underneath it. And it was popular within our town. So he's just making a reference to this dumb fucking shirt that was like a kind of like a I mean, I want to say, like a tourist souvenir.

So yeah, yeah, it's almost that.

I just said that on a recorded podcast about my friend.

Yeah, that was nice of me to know.

No, he's not your friend. Dominant went to Los Angeles. You learn lessons like this all the time. You're good comedy friends.

I think. Actually I have been a little ship talking on this eide.

It's just permanently on the internet for it.

I meanwhile talking about what a great person you are and then boom attacking Dominant.

So I'm attack, Yeah, I love you. Yeah, you know, I blame my friendship with Karen. Actually we have built a rapport you and I. Karen that scared people on.

The internet was yes, yeah, that was bad.

That was really elaborate.

I attacked Dave.

It was really weird because it was one of those things where I'm sure I'd had too much coffee and I thought it was being funny.

It was funny, it was very fun.

But then it was like, but then, of course it's the Internet, so then Dave has to say something back. He's not gonna be like, uh, you're the best or whatever. He's going to be like, so he like gave it back a little bit. Then we just kept doing it. But then it was too real and people were like, hey, whoa, I.

Can't explain it.

But Karen and I we had just had an it was like a couple of weeks before this happened. We had had a conversation somewhere about how comedians hanging out should be meaner, the joshing like if.

We are friends.

We had the conversation right there with Y Larson. Remember we were standing at the back of the Good Heroin show saying bringing back mean comedy.

Yeah, yeah totally, And I, for I definitely missed that. I mean, I'm from New York.

And how I came into being funny was sitting around with a bunch of people just making fun of each other, and so.

We talked was busting balls, right, yeah, but I'm a ball buster? Yeah yeah.

So then I see you at bright Spot with Chase Bernstein, and I like I think I said in past.

They were like, what's up with you? And I was like, ah, I gotta go meet my manager.

And then Karen was like, well, la de duh, someone has a manager. And then when I looked at my phone or got home or something, there was a tweet from Karen that was like, just saw Dave Ross and it only took him two seconds to bring up the fact that he as a fucking manager.

And so then I was like, I said some shit to Karen.

Ridiculous, so funny. Yeah, I get it. I would have got it.

From a But also I will say that I leveled it up.

I I think I'm the one that made it to the point where people were like, this is mean, because I am fully aware of how much we are friends. Yes, but the next thing I said was you said that, And I was like, Karen, you are older than my manager.

That is if you don't know that you and I are cool.

I was like, damn, dude, yeah, and then you said something really mean.

That I don't remember.

I think I said because I do remember how mean I was, because at least I work. Oh, and that's what I knew, because I was like, it's funny, but there's only one direction this can take, because we have to keep out doing each other because this needs to stop. And it should have stopped with your response and I could have done something else, but it was like, instead, but can I say a little.

Bit before because you do work more than Dave's.

People need to know.

While here we go, I'll stand.

Up, you get the road. It's great.

But I think the reason the reason this energy started was Chase and I sat in this booth at the bright Spot and watched Dave talk to this guy standing on the street.

For so long and we were waving at him. I was texting Dave over and over really and yes, and it was like you and this.

Dude, who it turned out with some comic from a different town, were wrapped talking about something and it was like I wanted you to look at your phone and be like, oh, there's fifteen texts from Karen, because we were away from each other and you didn't know, so it started this weird energy towards you, of like like an attack energy.

I can't explain it. But then when you came in, it was just like, oh, look, hell, you're like my manager.

Well.

You know what was so wonderful about it, though, was that.

The way I don't know if you remember this, but the way that the interaction on Twitter ended was someone jumped in and called one of us a dick, and then we were both like, don't do that. Yeah, it's cool, and then we both said I'm sorry and I love you.

Yeah.

And then I saw you like a week later at a show, and I remember it so clearly. I was like Karen and you were like Dave. I was like, I'm so sorry, and you were like, I've been upset about it all week. That was like me too, I feel absolutely terrible. And that was the way that the next four or five interactions we had went, Are you still thinking about it?

Oh?

Yeah, I feel really bad.

Yes.

When we first saw each other in person, the look on both of our faces was like we had been at a party and we had both slapped each other at the same time. Where it was like, Dave, I would never want to say any of those things to you and in public, Like.

I don't know what it was like.

I think that we don't have like mean energy hanging out as comedians. Is that it's bad.

Sec us very poorly.

Yes, being mean sucks.

Yeah, it never feels good.

Well and also if you don't like it's usually the smart thing to do is save it up for people you genuinely hate. But when you're shitting on your friends where I'm like, I'm not close enough with Dave to be this mean to.

Him, Like we weren't that close yet. Yeah, it wasn't.

It wasn't like that.

That's what brought you closer.

It actually is.

You know what it did. It made me get a manager because that's what it was all about.

I was jealous, you know, I don't have shame.

It didn't representation anymore. Oh yeah, so the tables have turned.

Yeah, well I'm going to get right back on Twitter.

That yeah, yeah apart, No, it's funny there. When I first started in Austin, there is older guys that were all mean. They would shut off the microphone while you were on stage. Yeah, there was hey, new kid we're going to show you the ropes vibe and now, and I would get so mad. I'm like wanted to actually get in fights with them. And now I love those guys, and I think it has something to do with overcoming that, and so there is something that comes from busting balls are taking a piss.

Is.

Then later on you were like, closer, I don't know, it's interesting. Yeah, now everyone's afraid to fight.

You just have to do it right, and there can't really be you have to be careful with the truth part of it. Yeah, but I think that was the thing of you and I just immediately I shamed you hard.

Then you came back and shamed you, and then I was like, what's a bigger shame than the shame I started?

Well, I felt so bad, particularly because I like age is just like it's just not all right. I mean, like you talked about someone's age or their looks or how funny they are, and that's all we were doing. It was like you're not funny, or you're ugly or your Hollywood it's like all actually bad.

Fun Yeah, well you don't want it to be true.

And we didn't know each other well enough to know for a fact that it wasn't how we actually felt about each other.

I am, well, I am, you know, deeply insecure. So I was like, am I to leave this car and wonder if I am once again?

Okay? And I get it back on the.

Good Idea for the Good heroin show?

Yeah?

How long have you been doing this show?

Here? Like almost five years?

Wow, we're all old. The hurts at spinning and we aren't going to make it.

Who does the posters for good Heroine?

Jogrin? Is his name? So good? Yeah, he's a great artist.

And his novel is so good good.

It's a little thick. I don't know, show gun shows.

It's just a book we've all read except you.

It's a new thing to freak out about.

Oh good?

Anything else to plug other ner album that ever?

See the name of the album because you haven't said it.

It's called The Only Man Who Has Ever Had Sex?

I love it?

Uh yeah, and you can get it.

I made a website where the you can every version you can buy that digital and the flip book and stuff is there and the the u r L is sex dot guns dot beer.

That wasn't taken No. Wow, weird, Yeah, that's crazy.

Yeah, I bet you're picking up some new sweet sweet fans with that, must say who just.

Like guns and beer? Yeah, I'm just going to go to guns dot beer and see what's there.

You just keep getting booked in the Deep South. No offense and like you do have a lot of guns and beer.

You can't make that noise in your voice when you're saying the offense more offenses.

I learned this with Dave. It's even more offensive.

Man, I'm sorry.

I really hope that nice and that we are friends. Yes, it's really dreads some stuff up for me. I think.

Look, I think when you intentionally like dent the car of the friendship, then there's more appreciation of the rest of the vehicle.

What Yeah, great slowed out, like.

Intention intentionally crash your friendship car into another friendship car in the auto body shop.

The friendship will be fixed and yeah, it costs a lot of money.

But then the car is the friendship Cooper.

And there's patches of love Bondo.

Friendship bar. We're all on the love dash.

Nice this has been and enjoy Thank you so much for having me.

I love you both. Yes, I love you too.

Yeah, we don't say that in my family has been You need a ride?

D y n A R are leaving I you wanna way back home?

Either way, we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and turning on engage.

We want to send you off inside. We want to welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it.

We scared her? Was it fine? Mal porn.

A?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need.

With Karen and Chriss

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