S2 - Ep. 19 - Chris and Karen

This is exactly right, Karen.

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Are you leaving? I you wanna way back home?

Either way, we want to be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim, and give us time and a terminal and gay we want to send you off in style. We wanna welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it. We scared her? Was it fine?

Malcorn?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do your need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Ride? Do you need with Karen and Chris.

Welcome to Do you need to ride? This is Chris.

Fairbanks and this is Karen Tilgara.

We're switching it up and doing a PM drive. It's dark, it's dark outside.

I'm scared. It is scary, but I promise I'm here for you. Are you well?

I just crashing it. There's nothing I could do. You're controlling the vehicle. I just said i'd be here for you. I didn't say i'd have a plan as to how to help you.

Now, let's make a plan right now in case.

I if I shoot my arm out, yes, the stop short.

You can shoot it to that point, but then shoot it toward the steering wheel, all right, of course, Like if that's the we're assuming that, Like, say, something happens to me, large shard of glasgows into both my eyes. You have to take control of this vehicle. I won't stop stepping on the gas right, I will take a moment to more in your loss.

No, don't grab.

Them, because grab the mic, grab your bike. That's the most important party. They're brand new to use two mics as we die. That's probably the most.

Important Stephen gouts new mics with little furry windscreens.

They're very adorable. And their wireless, which I think is the you buried the lead. They're wireless loves. I'm never in my never, in all my illustrious years in show business, have I seen a wireless love.

I've never seen anything like this.

How do we have better technology than most feature film sets?

They must be brand new and they're cute.

It looks like a little black cat when they get scared, and their backs all spiky.

It's just like Halloween right on our chests. It's like we've taken Halloween to heart.

It's coming early this year with this spiky little cat number I did I ever tell you about because I had a black cat that. Yes, we've talked about all that, but ideas we've talked about the cat as this new Halloween. It's new stories about old cats. Okay, there is a human. Yeah, it's a great time to jet into the street pitch black.

Why not?

This is I want to wear a dark sweatshirt.

She was she was I think, speaking of cats, she was a cat burglar anyway, my cat.

One night, I may have told this.

I grabbed an old pumpkin I had carved and it I'd let it sit on the porch too long, and I grabbed the stem and it ripped off this rotten pumpkin, and a rat was a giant.

You definitely told them bit more what I love. I have told it.

I love that story of stories, and it just I'll never forget how the cat in such a human way, I got scared and lapped into the air. It just makes me and his back hair did used to like grease up and get spiky.

Yeah, it's like greeting cards. Yes, you know what's funny. My dog George, when we're at the dog park and there's a dog George doesn't like, she gets a dark brown strip of hair on her back because she's part People have said she's that means that she's part some kind of damn dog whatever. But it's like when it's when she kind of when she doesn't like another dog, like it's her hackles or whatever. But they turn darker brown and they stand up, so she gets like this

Yeah, what, it's that call where a butterfly will suddenly look like the devil's face or something.

It's some sort of a protective right.

Uh you mean Silence the Lambs the film?

Yeah, simply you know how sometimes you back up, you back to play against the wall, and they just fire right in Joni Foster's mouth.

They make a lady suit, and they refuse to go down without a fight. They run all around that house with their their night vision goggles on. I swear to God, you've talked about this before. But the end, and I mean I will talk about this till the day I die. The end of the movie sounds the Lambs, which is a perfet. It's a perfect film. You can rewatch it as many times as you need to, and I'm not a big rewatcher. I've rewatched that movie twenty times.

I like how she overenunciates yeah, doctor lecter.

I like the way.

She talks doctor lacertor elector.

That was just me being weird. But the ending of that movie is worth twenty five endings of any other movie. It's better than the ending of any movie ever. Yeah, it really is. And it's a true story. Now that's not true. I you told me. Please, I wish it was true. Let me just pretend it'd be amazing. Oh, it's so good, it's the best. I went to.

My sister is a big fan of John Lovett and the pod Saved America, Saves America, and they.

Are saving America.

And I saw they do a lie of love it or leave it at the improv. And I had never seen him, I knew of him. He's he's great.

It was great. But during it he said his partner.

I don't know if he means his partner in the podcast or his husband, but he said he'd never listened to a single episode.

And I have to admit I hadn't listened.

I've had listened to clips, but I hadn't listened to any of my favorite Murder episodes. I don't know why I'm not a big podcast listener. Yeah, and I listened to a ton of them, and it's great.

You guys do a great.

Yes, Nightmares, it's so good. No wonder to run Away Hit. I'm jumping in a little late.

I started with the girl got.

Her arms cut off.

And.

She's number one's everyone's favorite.

You know, I watched some new stuff.

I want some recap where people ask you guys awkward questions, and I was feeling it. It's great. I really enjoyed it. Chris, My sister loves it. She's a big fan.

Yeah, I'm a fan of her fan. Yes, you like her taste. I do. But wait, sorry, really quick, And I don't mean to make it totally about me, although I love that it is. Yes, also because I have to admit when you started that story, because I didn't think it was going to be about me. I wasn't totally listening to you.

Look at okay, look at them My lake, My lake, Echo Park Lake. They have these these swan paddle boats and they put lights on them and they're all illuminated like they're having some sort of a late night boat park.

So wait, are people in those or they just letting them float around? I could see they're sillow watch guys. This is the Turtle Lake that Chris talked about where the turtle's made on.

I saw them today. I go they swim to me now?

And all the heads come up at once like a choruscant line of eye contact.

They can we see the fan art about us, because there's been lots.

Oh, I throw stickers in there. People get mad because apparently they're made a plastic and the whole turm.

Please don't throw s. Pause Pause Turtle Talk, and we will come back to Turtle Talk, of course, which is the new podcast. So sorry are you saying that? John love It talked about not listening to the podcast my podcast.

Sorry, he said.

His partner, and I didn't know in the moment if he met his partner with the yeah I got that part of America or his partner, but he said had never listened to Love It or Leave It, and he was actually mad about it his podcast. Okay, so he was mad about that. It's like they don't listen to the other podcasts. And then I was like, well, I kind don't bo listen to yours or anyone's or hours.

Yees see, I don't. I sometimes I'll listen to ours when I'm bored and driving around because it really is like driving around with friends and it makes me laugh.

And also because one of the friends is.

You, right, which I have to say, I'm she really is one of my best friends. But and we're funny, and I never remember any of this ship we talk about. Clearly, we've made a serious point of that by telling the same story a bunch of times. But but we cover so many things in this podcast that it really is a little bit new. But I am try.

So here's this weird. We're not covering anything new. I'm out, here's a lout of story.

This is what I want now. I want John Lovett to listen to my podcast, my favorite murty. I know, I just get I wonder if he wonder if he does I'm totally joking.

He was great.

He uh well, he's funny and everything. But when he'd get mad and his just his rants, his rants are great and he knows his ship. Oh it was really impressive.

You know. He was a speech writer for fucking Obama, the man who made the best speech.

But we can all write jokes for a speech.

I didn't realize he was just informationally writing a president's speeches. Like of course he's he knows the charts just riddled with brand information. Yeah, the best kind to have.

It looks like we're going downtown, guys, so I hope everybody's prepared.

I hope there's a series of one way roads. Yeah, lead you to another one that ends you up at what is skid row, which is on a map, ends you up at it, ends you up by it.

I think, please keep your eye open for teens on free scooters that are probably drunk. That's the new If driving in Los Angeles isn't hard enough, the new thing now free scooters with teens on them who are on vacation and driving on the wrong.

Side literally coming towards you. Yeah, on the wrong side road in a bike lane.

There's no this. This is thoroughly covered this topic. But yeah, I need to do.

I need to do like you and listener all the episodes because someone made a new do you need to write out of context thing where they're just putting our quotes and I'm like, that's a joke. If I listen to old episodes, there's probably jokes that I can use because it was me saying them.

Yeah, don't use mine though, Hey, those are mine.

You're the one that hasn't you haven't been hit in the stage, they're mine until you come back around.

Oh my god, that's the perfect threat. To get to do stand up again. If you don't, I'll take your If you don't do it, I'm going to preemptively write your new material. I would appreciate it, would make doing it that much easier.

I'll just hand it to you.

I have to say this, they're rightful yours. Every once in a while I get I will get an invitation some lovely person that I'm friends with that'll be like, Hey, I'm doing a show at blah blah. Would you come and do it? And I'm always like, Eh, I can't because I haven't been doing set so I don't have material.

But it's a normal fear to have.

Have you watched The Comedians and Cars with Ednie Murphy who is scared? He's like, Oh, I don't have anything. I'm I'm so scared to do stand up again. It's been too long. No, I don't have material. A guy, I would think he'd be riddled with unshakable confidence and wouldn't I think I would think that he hasn't been doing stand up just out of not wanting to.

But he says he's scared to.

That's crazy. He's the best comedian of all I know.

I need buddy, if you can't take twenty years off and then assume you could still do it.

No, that's true, that is true. But if anybody could, God damn it. Eddie Murphy was is a natural. He's he's like, it's like Will Ferrell in that way where they have a funny accent, Like it's their style, their.

Face, Yeah, their attitude, Yep, it all line up. He had it in sixth grade. Well guess what, Karen, So do you get a leather red suit? It's true and get on stage.

You know, my friend, my friend Christine goodn't got us tickets to go see the Delirious Tour when we were juniors, either juniors or seniors in high school. And my dad wouldn't love he toured. Oh of course not. He was like, yeah, you're not. You're not going to go into San Francisco to go to an Nie Murphy cold were you sixteen?

Yeah?

I almost agree with him there. Yeah, I mean some of that language.

It was the dirtiest one delirious, No, it was raw. It was the that was the one where he did go a little. I bet you that's the reason he is worried about it because on raw he started doing that weird, like using an electric truth brushes of vibrators material where it's like, yeah, what is this? This isn't this is no longer the Eddie Murphy that's trying to make America laugh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, he got a little dirty. I think he's scared to dirt. I bet that he's thinks. When I was good at this, I was able to go to a place that I can't now because I'm doing family friendly stuff.

Yeah.

That his goal to be doing lonely movies that his kids could watch, or am I thinging up someone else?

I mean it sounds familiar. I wouldn't put it past him because that kind of is all the movies.

Although, hey they're a casual stormtrooper.

Hey he's got front pouches. He's got some front pouches that seem unnecessary.

Yeah, he had too many recipials.

But then he also was carrying plastic bags, so they clearly weren't like it wasn't a fashion thing. It wasn't like what do you call those?

Yeah, yeah, accessory couches, Yes, couch couches.

You need it. Here's some skin row, Yeah, it's just the edge of it.

The other day there was a perfect row of tents, each one spaced apart perfectly, and two different people were sweeping in front, fully taking pride.

In their plot.

And it's just one of those things where I glanced over, I'm like, oh, cool, I guess I'm gonna cry right now.

Yeah.

Yeah, like when someone has nothing and they're taking He was like sweeping and he picked up something, look at what it was, and threw it away and swept more. Yeah, And it was just it's horrifying part of a bridge under a bridge.

Because somewhere along the line in the government, someone made this decision that we don't have to care about our fellow man. And everyone went, yeah, good, that'll save me thirty dollars on my taxes. You have a fucking asshole.

I got mine, you don't get yours.

Sweep the curve, sweep the curb, live in a tent on the sidewalk with no safety. It makes me sick.

Yeah, it really, sorry, sir.

Oh and then and then I just exact guy is talking about on the other side of town. Well, I want you to I want you to do stand up again. Let's go back to that.

Okay, I will do that. I promised to.

You songs kick that musical head.

I don't know if I can do music again. That was a very difficult thing to do. Now that I've finished doing it, going back to that would be extremely difficult. I feel like I barfed out the one thing I was going to do with that. I made that album. God Bless America the end. Yeah, the album. The album is America. By the way.

It's called Live.

At the Boot at the Moot Leg and you were there.

It was there and it was fun. That's why I had that person bring you balloon. But it's so good and I bet you could keep doing it. It's just the same thing that Eddie Murphy is talking about. It's just when you take a break off, it seems like a thing that you can't do again.

Yes, And I think when you begin to listen to people tell you what they think of what you do, then you can't not think of people when you go to do that thing again.

Right, So for years you'll need you to repeat that.

But yess, for years I toiled in obscurity and did great with it. I loved it. It was how I wanted to do it. I could say anything I wanted. No one gave us single ship.

Of course, of course curse curse. It is a curse. It's a course, of course, a curse of curse. But that is a good point. Yeah, Now there's a subconsciousness just takes.

Her a little higher because you are a known person. Well, also, I have the thing which I think you have in all of us at comics. You want to be good. You don't want to get up and suck, and you don't want to get up and the mediocre or even kind of good. You want to get up and be awesome from the get go. I'm sure that's Eddie murphy'steal.

Right, Yeah, And I related to it, and that's why when I saw it, I'm like, it made me like him so much because he's just a person with the same fears and a big fancy house.

At least one.

But you're right, I think about.

MFM people come into my comedy shows that are do you need to ride people now?

And I'm and then in the.

Time that that was kind of happening, I recorded my special and now I'm editing it and I'm like, oh, why am.

I doing it? But I have thirty Dick jokes.

Well, I'm literally saying dick like actual Dick jokes about Dick's Yes, but they were funny. Yes, but that's not what I want to be serving the people that like me. I'm like, hey, ladies, you're ready for some big humor.

They are. They've been listening to it their whole lives. Any woman that's followed comedy is totally used to it. And also, you do it in a different way. You're not agro and weird, and you don't make people feel like they're being threatened with the Dick jokes.

Soft lightly tossed, soft toss with the very lady gorgeous, a light balsamic.

Vinaigrette, thin glaze, and what we do at the end is we sprinkle a mixture of Oh, I need to start cooking.

Just if I could finish this.

Joke, you should start doing cooking, homtes.

That's what I'm saying. I need to turn over a new leaf. Bay Leave.

You know you're gonna say that. I know. Wait, I need to change the topic again. Of course, did you see I believe it was Tucson, Arizona, but I could be wrong. There was there was a city hall meeting or whatever, you know, a meeting that was on TV.

And I believe seemingly next to them was me sitting in the green.

Shirt, yes, green shirt guy, who just started fucking laughing at her.

I have gotten how many memes have I gotten? A green green shirt guy or me next to green shirt.

Guy, or you are green shirt it's the great.

First, I'm like, yeah, but he's so much taller. Yes he is, like no, it's it's I see it, and I get it.

But it just looks like your whole how you would deal?

I would nervously laugh too, But also he was laughing, so they would see that he was. That is the best thing that guy could have done. Yes, for sure, it's for her to glance over and be like, this guy's actually laughing at me.

And it's not in a mocking way. You can't help it.

He's genuinely laughing. And I'm not scary or powerful, I'm a lunatic, like she couldn't even wait to speak, because there's an allotted times she could have said whatever she wanted to say, but she made it like it was a protest at a place where she was going to get airtime anyway, right, But she tried to disturb what she would have been allotted time to say.

And then she said, so the guy's laughing at her.

And then she said, you're in violation of this or and someone said you're in violation of being a.

Jackass, which is like, was your flaghert either?

For real? I just died. It was pretty fun. You're in violation of being a jackass.

And her boyfriend looked over like that, well, I guess I can't do anything.

Yeah, look like idiots, let's get out here.

It's pretty fun.

They did. They stormed out and apparently be part of it. There was I was proud of you for being there and handling your shit in a way that made America feel a little bit better.

I've been I've been sitting on that that Kelly Green polo of mine, waiting for the right place to wear it.

Waiting for the right dipshits to mock it. Was a Yeah, that was a beautiful moment. And it really made me laugh because it did look it looked like a house of mirrors stretched out version of you.

Yeah, it was.

I mean, I don't want to tell drug stories, but I was on asset at my old roommate's birthday and we were in the Hotel Irwin downtown and it was when I discovered I really like, I was just riffing and having fun and couldn't have been happier.

You know, it was a drug.

Yeah, But they had these wacky funhouse mirrors, just wavy mirrors that were in the corner. And I called the front desk and I'm like, yeah, we're going to need a new mirror brought up to the room.

This one.

When I'm crouched down a little bit, I have a big forehead and then when I look.

Up to address it, suddenly I have a long chin.

And so if we could just get a mirror, this one is clearly on the fritz. And the front lady was trying to explain, but she didn't. She didn't think I was kidding at all, and she didn't want to make me feel dumb.

Oh, And then I felt bad.

I'm like, oh, this person's actually trying to explain that the mirror isn't broken, it's just a wavy style of.

Glass, but describing what it looks like.

I walked her through it for a while. I'm like, oh, and add this to the list of complaints. Now my legs are long.

Wait have you done this on stage? No? Write it down, write it down. I don't forget.

Mirror with funhouse mirror, say long legs, big chin, one forehead. That's the kind of thing I wake up the middle of the night, and then I look at this piece of paper and says, funhouse mirror, long legs.

I'm like, what the hell does that even mean?

Yes, I know it's what bothers me is I keep forgetting anything I try to remember. I forget because I'm looking at my phone, the most distracting machine there has ever been. Sir, what are you doing?

Oh now he's got zip in front of you.

Yeah, of course not fast though, Yeah, I gotta take your time doing it. That guy what's the worst, and had dents on his car exactly about to hit us. Yes, I've been practicing these shitty moves all week.

I've been merging into other cars.

But now it showtime.

Let's make the dense mass see, that's the thing about driving downtown. I think a lot of people don't understand this if you don't live in Los Angeles, and my apologies to you if you know, for how boring Kansas No that the it's such a hectic, bizarre place to drive because if you're not especially like downtown, all of a sudden it's a one way street. Or I feel like we're about to go to my neighborhood. Do you want to name? We could? I mean, let's do.

It, and then at the end I could show you guys my cool place. Okay, I think you'd really like it anyway. Sorry, I mean when you're downtown.

I do know.

A calm just washed over me because we left it though, yes for real, because it's the one way streets pop up, and the pedestrians everywhere, and the fucking bird scooters and all the shit it really is. And then people don't know where they're going, and they drive like this is their last chance to get out of hell, essentially.

Just driving like they're finding a source of water because it's the end of days.

Because it is truly the end of days.

I went on a my sister came and stayed with me, and we drove up to Carmel, where I was born, because both of us have been sitting on our moms and ashes.

I've had them for two years in a box. I have them in my room.

She's seen me doing, you know, all kinds of all.

Kinds of things on the foot of my bed, clip of my toenails is bad enough.

And so we.

Drove up there because I was born in It's beautiful, God, it's beautiful.

It's so gorgeous, and we.

Had so much fun.

I don't think you're supposed to have that much fun doing what thing that's supposed to be sad, But I think that's why we're having fun.

Plus we've had plenty of time too. Yes, it's been sad up until now.

It doesn't have to be sad anymore.

And there was a real feeling of like my mom, thinking everything would have been funny too. And we went to the last place we took a picture with her and flung him there and of course that there's now gravity does not affect human ashes, and it zipped once again, right in my sister's face. I did it again the last time we tried. I threw him almost in her mouth. Anyway, that happened a few times. But we went all these spots, put them in different places, and we laughed so much.

Shit and I thought you loved me. You know, maybe you need to bring just a small amount of ash of your mother's ashes on stage with you. Yeah, and that's what makes it really funny.

Yeah, the just a position and then they're just blow an ashy kiss to the audience.

Have you seen Chris's new act? It's kind of dark.

Yeah, yeah, he has a lot of asses. Still, I really I love the Swan.

The Swan's lit up with Christmas lights is probably one of the more beautiful things Los Angeles has to offer.

I and today, you know, when I went to the Turtles and and everything.

It's really this is my favorite part of it's any.

I love that it's just blocks from where I hang my hat.

As they say, it is so nice. I do wear hats. I am on over on this side of town all the time now because of needing to go to the office more and more.

Well, you gotta come by. We'll eat at Ostrich Farm. Okay, it's delicious.

Is Ostrich farm? Do you have to feed ostriches before you eat? The misleading name? Okay it is.

There are no ostriches. There is no ostrich meat on the menu.

Great.

There is farm fresh products okay, and it's really good. And they do not ask me to talk about it. But the menus terrific.

Are The omelets huge because they're made with ostrichen. The omelet's take up the whole table.

The armlets they hide in the dirt like an ostrich takes a nap and you have to dig it up.

You dig it up like a weird other kind of animal.

And all the all the the waiters and natre d's or maters come around.

They're all ostriches.

They have giant tennis ball sized eyeballs and they look like sod puppets.

And then when they ask you if you need anything else, they stick their face right into your face with their weird eyes. Do you needthing else?

Tickle poke poke.

Yeah, the giant eyelashes, don't they you know what?

I believe they do?

Am I thinking about emails? When am I?

Not?

Same family? I think so fam? It's the same fam.

I think so or genius or species?

All right, that's a plan. Yes, doing stand up comedy again?

Die plan. I don't know.

Mull it over.

We kinda going we gotta do. What are we going to do?

You and I?

Yeah, you're right.

What are we going to drive on stage and cardboard car?

Ah?

Yes, like you, we'll do a double decker thing. And I'm like thirty people at a time. It's not logistically, it's not alone break even.

It doesn't make sense. Oh, a theater sized bus. It doesn't exist. Wow, theater.

I'm complimenting us.

But it would be fun if you know, I just if you started slinging out the jokes again.

Okay, you're right now.

I'm not going to say it's like when we stumbled across that NASA location, but JP, yeah, you picked me up at El Madrigals and I had some drinks, but.

I am I've had some. I had one drink tonight. Okay, so thank you for reporting.

I'm just letting you know, since you're my sponsor, if.

They want to start all over.

I have a buzz right now, and it is of the kind of buzz where they say on signs, buzz driving is drunk driving. It is just a buzz. But I feel a little drunk. But maybe I'm just in a good mood.

Maybe you're just having fun podcasting.

Which just does Maybe I just enjoy it.

And you know that in this style, in this type of episode, we don't have to compete with with guests. Ideas, we don't have to adhere to the guests me of a guest, needing to include them.

Oftentimes but giving the priority.

Even interrupting each other to get the guests.

Answer, guest, this is so interesting, way better than Karen and I, who are professionals, would have said, oh you snoozefast continue guests again.

If you've been a guest, thank you much. Yours was the best one.

Starting's all the guests we've had, James Admia and Carmel.

Pat Bishop Pat.

He hasn't been but we've had its friend.

Who else have weeter Keane? Is that I was trying to think a bunch of times.

Yes, yes, he always says really good stuff.

We got to have him. He's very funny.

I've got a whole we both got a whole list, whole bunch of list of great people coming up.

Oh and we got an email from the great Jackie Caation. She wants to do it again, So we got to get her in the mix.

I mean Wednesday, I think I'm still. She's not driving with Caitlin and I, but we're still. I'm about to do shows with her and I can't wait.

Oh, tell her, tell her where you guys get back. I'm yawning in it.

Yeah, yeah, yes, it's did you know that yawning is good? It just means that you're needing oxygen?

Yeah, and which is great news. I had like a personal trainer.

I went to twenty for our fitness and they're like, we have a deal today and they signed me a trainer, and.

I'll never forget. I went to her desk and she is eating a cartoonish meatball.

So I'm like, yeah, you're gonna whip in the shape shiftfully r D and I but she I remember I was working out. I kept yawning and she's like, no, it's good.

It's like that is a sign that you're getting a good workout.

And I'm like, you would think if you were yawning, that would mean you're not going all in you're tired, and probably not.

But it's like your body taking big gulps of oxygen.

Yes, I say, yeah, you know, here's a good trainer that eats meat.

Yeah, there's a good chance she was an imposter.

She also was wearing denim one's piece and had leaves in her hair.

And I wasn't that twenty four hour fitness. I was in the parking.

Lot yet to pay for membership. But she met with me for three weeks and I got ripped.

Down by the river.

I got ripped just eating kans of tuna with her.

It shows.

It's just a show in Santa Barbara a couple days ago, and I stayed. I just assumed my friend would be home, but he was off building. He's a carpenter, he's building a house, and so I went. He gave me the code to his little apartment and I was so hungry after my show that I rummaged through his pantry and there was nothing there but sardines.

No, that's time never, yes and forever.

Maye never, forever always, and some save some for me because man, he had mustard, he had oil at him, and why it was I had like a sardine festival.

No, I ate so many of them.

Sorry, justin I ate all your sardines, buddy, No crackers.

I hunched over his sink. No, yeah, you're like a little lost cat.

I loved it. It was delicious protein.

That is my nightmare. I did that.

I put in him out and I slipped it off and there's a little skeleton.

I did it all.

And then you were wearing a vest, and then a cough came and a rest of you.

And then I got in a fight and it was just a cloud with fists shooting up.

Cliff see you are. I think that's part of my lifelong food issue, is that I'm so picky that I just want exactly what I like and want so like if I went through someone's pantry, I'd be like, all, this is going to taste like lightly like mold, right, I don't want to eat it. I want something good.

Everything.

There was no options, and I was not excited to eat these sardines, but I was starving, and he lives far from Santa Barbara and or far enough.

To where I didn't want him. You're out.

Yeah, And it was late and I'm like, oh, I just won't worry about eating, and then I and so was a last reetsor I was not at all craving sardines.

I just was surprised.

Wait a second, are you pregnant?

I need something salty? What is kicking me the belly?

I was.

I just was surprised that I liked them, because I'm like you, I'm like, that's just something my daddy or pickled Harrying. He's still those jars of pickled herring. And it's like sweet and salty. It's like a it's just not good food.

But wait, so you're saying you loved these.

Sorry, once it's in my mouth, I was like, yes, I get it, but it's gross. You're opening a can. They're slimy, they have eyes. Yeah, they still have fins, a dorsal and a the other one pectoral pectoral fins. They have huge packs and I was just eating them all.

Yeah, Well that was a power thing. I think, Oh, yeah, you were just showing them who is boss.

Yeah, there's nothing more power powerful than biting down on the spine of a young fish.

But no, aren't they real salty and real fishy?

Yeah?

What is this? Oh? I really look like some skate You're right. I thought it was someone on a scooter wearing an octus.

And it was just a guy with a weird pedal style. He's just really.

Getting after it. It was like his the lights were on his pedals, but the petals were close together, so it looked like someone was floating near in the air and running clumsily at us at the same time.

It was scary, and I thought it was actually going to end up on our hood.

Yeah, it's all everything's so threatening these days.

I would hate to meet a NOTT to push for the first time in real life, out in the streets like.

This on dry land. That's an emergency situation, if you if it was the end of the world.

Sure, it is, okay, but I mean, like a more definitive theoretically, it's not ending.

No, right, let's say we're going to pull out of this one. Yeah, and I think we will, I really do. Yeah, we will. With the aocs of the world helping us and Elizabeth Warren, who will be pressing.

Oh you think I think so, Yeah, I think so.

If her and Bernie do the smartest thing in the world, which is run together, it'll be over.

But can they do that?

Who knows?

And the winner is these two?

Well they're sitting on the other shoulders. Change it before before it gets to the end. But all that aside. Now we get to things are so great in the world, and all this time is past, and everybody gets to say where they are, and there's no longer a thing called calling human beings illegal, on and on, so that we're all calm and no one's being threatened. Now we get to play a fun game called the World is ending. Okay for another reason, for different just for ships and gigs.

Yeah, for fun and gale So.

Italian version of okay, like earthquake or something. But it's end times. There's the grids down, there's no electricity. You have to go around Los Angeles and there's no people to keep you from doing this and collecting up all the food that you will eat. Gotch so it can't be refrigerated. I'm making this up as I go, right right, it can't be reerated. It has to be like sardines.

I'm feverishly writing all down.

It's no, no, no, those aren't allowed. Like changing the rules as you figure something out, so you can have fresh food and vegetables if they're left. If you if you come upon the stash, what are you going to collect up for yourself?

I think if it's something where I need to, you know, assuming and I guess you're talking about zombies, we have to. I'm going to start eating healthy amight as well because of the zombies. I mean, I got it. It's it's just let's see how long I can last. The last thing I want is to get some you know, heart problem because I'm eating sardines in the end.

Okay, and it would.

Probably be pretty easy to acquire and get fruit, but it wouldn't last that long. I guess I don't know the answer. What frozen goods? I probably have a lot of cans, but those are heavy, big beans, baked beans. They're disgusting.

What am I a cowboy from a sixties movies? Frozen goods? When I told you the grids down and there's no just be so you want melted good?

How long ago did the grid go down.

Oh are you saying you could have fixed it by now or somebody got it back up on his feet? I guess.

I bet how thought out are all the frozen goods?

I how thought out as this game? Not at all? Did you?

I think, Yeah, I'm gonna have to start hunting.

Okay, that's again.

So I just get some weapons like a spear, I guess.

And I've never hunted.

I've never killed a so, but you're gonna start now, You're gonna hunt and eat healthy.

I'll eat a lot of fish. I'll tell you that I'm going to go back to the beach.

Yeah. Yeah, It's more you're basically saying that if the ship goes down, you're going back to the west side.

That's where the fish are. Okay, not a lot of hunting that goes on in my new neighborhood. I mean, I guess that wasn't what the game was.

Where is the game?

What?

You're my dream diet?

I was? It was like if you had to collect up ship that was in all these weird little convenience stores around right, what would you cobble together?

I guess at first I'd be depressed and it'd be a lot of bags of white cheddar smart food.

Okay, this is what I'm looking for.

Yeah, because you need to be comforted, yes, so of course you're going to have some comfort type food.

Yeah. But then after that, when the ship gets heavy, I'm going to do some urban hunting. Okay, okay, no, I think that's good. Then you'll love kind. You'll be task oring to kill cats. I will kill packs of coyotes all with a spear.

I know it sounds like I'm bragging, but when the shit hits a fan, when the dog gets rough, I'm going to be just putting raw animals in my mouth. Okay, but for now, I can't eat them because of Instagram accounts.

Oh no, you'll get ruined on social media if you start hunting. Oh. I never on the east side. It's just me.

I'm talking right now. But I came home the other night and there was like a pack of coyotes and they were huge, full sized dogs. There were six of them. They were not scared of me, no, no, and I thought they were coming towards me and I had to like yell and wave my arms and then they're finally.

Like, okay, this guy's crazy, man.

But you know, maybe I'll eat some coyotes. True, men don't kill the coyotes.

No, I don't think it's good good juju as they say to kill a cody mojo. Yeah, either way, it's bad juju, but it gives you pretty good mode. So that's the.

Reputation is shot man.

But oh my god, Jim Morrison will respect you.

You're in the new lizarding Man.

Oh fun, I think I would. Here's how here's the answer I was looking for. Okay, because this is my answer to this question that I made up as I went along. Right, I would go around to all the movie theaters and take those big bags of popcorn because that'shit last weight ever answer, what's popcorn? Yours? Was you said smart food?

Oh white, I picked the wrongcorn' I'm movie theater okay, And in the big bag where it's like a clear plastic garbage.

Bag of popcorn, you're gonna be one of the first to run out. And that's too much salt.

But popcorn is a super food. Did you know that? No? Yeah, it's really good for you. So they say not not movie theater stone.

It's pretty salty.

I think that negates the super foods. But we'll be sweating so much from the fact that it's the apocalypse that I think I might need that that salt in my system.

I mean, if you're sweating a lot and you're only eating popcorn, I have two words for you. Kidney Stone, crystallization, your thrill, brot looggage and that ain't no movie.

Have you seen blockage yet? Oh?

God, it's so good.

Miles Teller's in it so good?

I what? And I, oh have you seen have you been? Speaking of music? Speaking of music? God one, I.

Had one Moular sensation.

Everybody's talking about.

I watched that Midsummer Movies.

Oh, it's pretty good, pretty wonderful.

Right, it was just it was just interesting. I don't know, it's frustrating. It's like why I was yelling like, don't do that, And then in the end it made me. I've seen a lot of movies lately where I like get mad at the end of it and I'm like, I don't think that was good, And then two days later I'm still thinking about it.

Yeah, And isn't that what art is? Yeah?

It creates a conversation.

Two days later you're like, I guess it was a good movie and know, I flipped off the screen and threw my popcorn into the neighbor's lab.

I guess now.

I liked the costuming.

It's you know, I it's evocative. It gets you to feel something which you need to feel in the movie theater. And I find that that director. Do you remember that director's name?

Oh? I don't, but he made Hereditary and other short film.

He's so good. And I recently rewatched Herreditary. It's so good. And there were so many things I missed the first and this red with him.

I realized after a few days later, there was a you know, everything that happened in the movie.

They allude to it in the beginning.

It was that thing that I missed, and so you watch it again the second time, it's like, oh cool, that's like some backwards you know, Memento Ship, Yes, out of order?

Yeah, Easter egg style, Yeah, yeah, I had that egg.

Who who are you.

Had that egg? That egg?

I'm the lizard.

You sound like Josh Adam Myers. Yeah, hey, every brother from Karaokes. No offense, Adam Josh Madam Myers.

But yeah, I've been I've been enjoying films. I'm gonna I just realized I am the one of the members of the AMC Real Club. Really, I forgot when I signed up for it. I've been paying them money. Yeah, anyway, Tuesdays I could be seeing movies for five dollars. I need to start becoming one of these Cisco Land or Ebers.

Yeah that's a good idea, because you've got a lot of opinions. You often flip off movie screens. Oh, I get so mad, So let's find out why. Yeah, I don't know. I like film. Did you like a spoiler alert? If you haven't seen Midsommar. Some people pronounce it that way, which is insane.

Yeah, yeah, it's just midsommer.

Right, Well, everyone from America pronounces it midsommer, but then cinephiles pronounce it midsomar because I guess that's the fucking Dutch version or when country Sweden, it's spilled s mm er. So it's hard not to say that ar, I mean when you're reading.

It or ar.

Yeah, otherwise it'd be mids more.

That's that's the second installment, mid so More, Midsummer too so More.

I went to Denver and uh, all my friends had tickets to see my Morning jacket which has Yeah, they have songs.

That I love. I think they're great.

They're amazing, but it can be kind of jam bandy.

You know.

Sure stuff isn't but tickets to the jobs are for I'm sure. I'll go ahead. Stick my finger in your bag, mystery powder. I'm ready to ride whatever magic carp And.

I'm the lizard. Ky, you truly have become the lizard. The only prerequisite is just saying you're the lizard. Came over and over that I do not know what that means. You just got to claim it.

Yeah, yeah, Hey, King of all lizards, Hey, and I.

Uh, lizard king here answered? Then you hope please? King of all lived you need a lizard.

You came to a one stop shop and this it's a place jack, Can you hold please?

I'm a lizard king. You know we actually don't sell lizards. Ok.

Sorry, shelves are empty. I'm crazy because I'm slashing prices nothing. Tickets had gone up to four hundred dollars last minute. I didn't my friends had had tickets for months and months.

I wasn't sure if I want to go anyway.

I found some on Craigslist for the guy want one hundred and fifty bucks and I'm like, well, it's kind of the most I've ever paid for a concert, but it'll be fun.

It's in red rocks.

Oh shit, it's a beautiful experience.

He wanted me to pay him using Apple Pay, which I never used, but I'm like, sure if it worked for you. There was a moment where it's like, but these our texts are coming in green. Why would you need an Apple bait? You don't even have an iPhone. That was the first thing I should have known. Oh no, And so sent him the money and they said, great, what's your email address. I'll send over these tickets using this app. And I downloaded the app. It all seem legit.

Their dress like polyphonic spree. That's true, and uh and there's drugs.

Yeah, it honestly was the best second thing I could have done, and I got my mind off of being I'm dumb. I should not have tried to buy something on Craig's list. I never Yeah, it just.

But the guy seemed legit.

I mean, he was saying the right things. It's did you just rip me off?

I said?

And he's like, nah, it said nahak, I'm okay. The best best part nah my god.

It never is and them and yeah, more than right now, that is.

The fucking funniest thing I've ever heard.

Yeah, nah nah.

It'd be crazy. Why would that happen? No? I love you? Why would I ever rip you off? It was back and forth for hours.

I'm like, oh, you've already put more labor into the earning of two hundred dollars than this it's been worth because I was and how far to how weird do I want to get and keep bothering Two of his phone numbers, one from the iPhone he needed for the transfer of these tickets and one from the initial two phones. That's the other indicator that I'm getting ripped off.

It's just like, well, also, did you delete any of those things? Like make sure he doesn't have some kind of connection to you now Yeah, yeah, okay, it was a one time. It was a one time rip off. Yeah.

I really don't think this will become our relationship.

Nah.

Yeah, there's this guy that continually rips me off every Wednesday.

I thought it would end with the first one. There's a really amazing story that's on the podcast Criminal about a guy who does get ripped off like that. There's a guy who gets him out of a jam in a bad neighborhood, and then the guy continues to builk money from him by humiliating him into saying, you weren't man enough to get yourself out of that situation, so you have to give me money. And the guy did it for years.

Oh no, you have to.

It's an episode of It's an episode of the podcast Criminal called I'm going to help you or something like I'm going to help you or I'm going to get you out of here.

Do you remember what the guy possibly had on him that he kept.

It was like it was the guy turned into a really bad part of town and then something there was some kind of I don't think it happened in Los Angeles, but say if it were Los Angeles, it was then the nineteen ninety four riots started, you know what I mean. So then the guy got this guy out of the bad part of town and without getting hurt or whatever. And so then the guy was like, now you owe me, you know, five hundred bucks for getting you out of town.

And then this guy when he rapped me off, sorry to interrap n he I said, so you're ripping me off, He's like, oh, I made a mistake.

Can you send fifty more dollars?

Yes?

For more?

Yes.

I'm like, oh does this work?

It's this like you're testing the waters to see if I'm a fool me twice guy?

Yeah, okay. Well. And also because that's I think that is a con move where when somebody expresses doubt they it almost confirms, like you're like, if they were ripping me off, there's no way they'd ask for more money, right, So that move in there almost confirms to a normal person and like, oh, there's no way they could be this. It could be this in your face. Yeah, yeah, and it is God.

Yeah.

I I of course won't say his name. But there's a person I know that.

Was doing an online like a video sex thing, like oh, you're getting naked here, I'm naked, and then he was doing something well naked. And then she said, Okay, now I have this footage you. I'm going to show it to everyone if you don't start giving me money. And he's like, I don't have money, go ahead and show everyone, and so he preemptively said, you know, let his parents and friends, Hey, you might get this video of me masturbating.

Then she sure doesn't.

Yeah, So I think that that's the the only thing you could do is be like, oh, you're gonna screw me.

No one's ever fucked up my life better than I can.

They'll be used to it. If I tell them, they're gonna beat.

Me to the punch I'm sending it now.

That's so horrible too, because it's that naivete that everybody approaches like the Internet and like kind of modern life with where it's just like, yeah, I met this person online and we've both agreed to privately on camera do weird shit with each other, Like you don't know that person. It reminds me of do you remember when chat Roulette started?

Oh yes, I did a weird show at where things would pop up and you're supposed to have a quick conversation and then there to see you're on stage and so it's like, oh haha, you're in a comedy show. But it ended up every other one with some guy masturbation. Yes that's all.

They are humble, and it's like.

This is backfiring big time. Good Lord, Duke boys, where we chasing boss Hog?

This is this is just the last part. It's like a little roller coaster at the end. Oh yeah, I loved Chatroulette. We used to sit around me and my front Bradford and whoever else was around. We would sit around his computer super stoned and then just do it and it would be like every fourth one was a weird dick. But then there would just be like four other people staring at their computer just like we were just looking for dick.

Yes, and you're guys looking for weird dick. Yeah, they've all been pretty straight and normal.

And I we're scared a weird dick, so we're looking for four people that look like us.

So you do end up meeting good people.

Yeah, we met some amazing people on Chatroulette.

We did it.

I met my husband on chat relytt.

I feel like chat Relette became something that we all use every single day now, wasn't it the first attempt?

Was it skyper something?

I feel like it was the napster of of what we know now to be something Twitter.

Maybe. Yeah, It's like, I don't know, I wanted to come back. I want to. I want to.

I forgot that it went away. I forgot about that night of chat reltte we were.

There were some there were some chot Roulette moments that were very beautiful and touching, like everyone just waving at each other, and then the little map would come up and you'd be like, those fucking people are in Russia or wherever they.

Right, Yeah, all that's sweet. It's weird, and it's just depending on the mood. It could have just been all those people in Russia masturbating at you.

Yep, it's just it was their choice. Yeah, you either wave or you wave you're junk, whatever it takes.

Yeah, that is sweet. A bunch of people wave hi.

Yeah.

It is always my favorite thing when you're when you're on passing a group of.

People, you're in a.

Like going under a bridge and there's people on it and you're people on a boat that everyone will wave hello fellow humans, unless you're saying goodbye to them because you'll never really meet them.

No, that's right, this is our one moment, this is our chance. Yeah, and then what does Dave Matthews do dumps eight hundred pounds of human feces on those people? Wait? What remember that story somebody just read Somebody just treated this and said, it's the eighth anniversary of the time that Dave Matthews tour bus went over the bridge on Michigan Avenue in Chicago, right over the Chicago River and dumped their toilet system into the Chicago River onto a tour boat.

Oh no, yes, not paying attention.

No.

Also, fuck them for just putting it in the river.

Right, all of it was not cool. It'd be funny.

Well that was happening that song.

Too, Sorry, sounded like it.

Maybe I'm thinking of no wellesay mouth dude. I don't know anyway, what a weirdo. You would think he'd be uh woke enough not to I.

Don't think he did it. I don't think he had the hand of the lever, right.

It's the truck driver, some disgruntled bus driver. That's like, I'm so tired of these guys. I'm so weed smoke in my face. Yeah, he was anti pot.

Look we're done, you're quick. It's fun. Oh man, it was great to do.

The irishora was funny.

You need to start doing more character work on stage.

Yeah, everyone loves a good voice.

It's funny. It is fun Well, I was. I was just gonna say, it's good to just podcast with you. I know, same that. This is how we get our go up to the dumpsters usual here you can get right into that dumpster, Matthews into that. Did we have any Thanks everybody for your beautiful responses to Oh, I have to say the quickest fan art and most beautiful was the person who drew you know, the new person's name that drew Mount my version of Mount Rushmore. Yeah, it's I cried.

It was the best thing of all to Yeah, it was really It's been one of my.

I sent it to all the I sent it to the main person I went to trivia with, and I was like, look, I told her trivia story.

Yeah, yeah, it's EMR. His name is Mark, but it's m R. K Am I right, Mark Markasto? Yeah, oh yeah, yeah, it's great. And did you see the other one where the bathtub is behind Mount Rushmore?

No, I didn't hear.

He added to it ship.

So that's that's the back because tafts in the bath Yeah, he's so good between.

Each Roosevelt Roosevelt again, that mountain with all the president's fucking faces.

This must be a different podcast.

Yeah, yeah, that's wow.

Mark Glass. Can I look at a picture? Is that him? He looks like a little model. Look at him.

Oh yeah, he's a handsome growing man.

Wait do you know him in person? Oh? I thought you were. He's from another land, New York. Oh really, I think so.

Oh I assumed he's from Glasgow.

You know me, just the meme.

Time for me to go back up to Alaska because my name is Fairbank.

Oh.

He is a designer and an illustrator. That's very cool. He's very good.

I'm going to get back in the swing of it too. I like drawing.

Yeah, anyway, you should, We all should. Thank you Mark Glasgow for your beautiful art. Thank you everybody for listening, continuing to listen to our dumb bullshit and.

Go to the exact, exactly right website and get some merged. Oh yeah, yeah, we got to sell some share Yeah, get some get yourself. Do you need a ride shirt and prove it?

Yeah?

Prove it? And yeah I am nothing to prove or nothing to plug me either. Yeah. Oh. We're starting new episodes of my favorite murder tomorrow, so that's more people care about that. I mean, we're recording it tomorrow. It goes up Thursday. But you know, we're back from vacation. Yeah, and this was like my get do a podcast and practice being back from vacation.

Yeah yeah, and uh and we did great. It's like we're just back in the saddle again.

I mean, this is what we do. Yeah, you just we've always done it. You fall off, that's horse, you get back on, you get back into it, you get into Alex, back into the high life again again.

Thank you.

And I write while you're listening to this, I'll be in San Francisco.

How about you. You're back on the twit.

I'm back on the twitch.

Yeah, you were gone for a while.

I was gone for a while. Right when I came back, my stuff was fresh and new and working. Now I'm in that phase where every time I tweet, I either think I've tweeted this before or I'm ripping this off from somebody. So that's a bad place to be. I need to get back into the fresh into the fresh maker. Yeah. Yeah, I need to sneak into some concerts and freshen it up a little bit.

Are you talking about a really specific mento?

Yeah. I need to start lifting up cars with some of my weightlifter buddies. Yeah. I need to take a businessman's tie off, tie it around my head and sneak into the backstage area of a concert.

I need to for no reason, open up a car, get in the back, sit, wave to the driver, keep on walking.

Yeah, we always do that one.

Nope, that's the best one.

Now, how many Mentos commercials do you remember?

I need to get a bunch of tattoos, look in the mirror every morning, freak out, slowly, remind myself what happened. That's a Mementos.

Yeah, how there's no podcast out there?

That mentions that movie twice no episode no, and doesn't remember both times. Just like the movie, All of our brains are shrinking. You've been listening. Do you need a ride? I think? Are are you leaving? I you wanna way back home?

Either way, we want to be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and they turn and on and gage.

We want to send you off instil.

We want to welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it. We scared her? Was it fine? Mel porn? Do you mean to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

To ride?

Do you need.

With Karen and Chris, The Fall Line, an investigative podcast focusing on unsolved cases in the Southeast, is back this August with season five. This series covers the nineteen ninety eight disappearance of Shaikemia Pate, an eight year old from Unadella, Georgia.

As a little girl, I can remember that Shaw was very energetic and barboy. Seldom did you see her without a smash, beautiful smile. She she was just a real doubly smart, smart little.

Girl, Shaikemiya was excited to spend that Labor Day weekend with her family, starting with attendance of the first high school football game of the season and their tiny town of Unadella, Georgia, that was a big event. That Friday afternoon, shai kemi I stepped off her front porch and onto the sidewalks of the street she'd lived.

On her whole life.

She planned to wait outside for a ride from her older sister. She was seen by neighbors, friends, family. Everyone thought she'd made it to see the Dooley County Bobcats play, but she never made it there, and.

So I thought one had took it to the Gameto twelve thirty that night, when Veronica called me and told me she told me. She asked me what shat with me? And I said no, And I say, you mean you don't know what shay at.

I caught the police wait nobody, he didn't come, and then when.

He did come, he said she had been missing twenty four while before they'll go looking for.

Shah Kemia Pate vanished right off her own street. Though her disappearance is as mysterious and as arresting is that of Madeline McCann. She has received very little attention, despite a twenty thousand dollars reward and exhaustive work by Shakemya's family. Veronica Pate, her mother, has been left waiting for twenty one years.

She made an effort to be optimistic that shah would be back. She kept trying to prove that it's gonna be all right, leaving the door unlocked, leaving a light on because Shasha coming home.

Each hour in the missing person's case matters. So what about a cold case unsolved for decades.

Some of the things that we run into work in cold cases is that these cases, I mean, they're old, and people's memory is not what they used to be. Memories fade, people die.

A few outside of rural Middle Georgia have ever heard of Shai Keimia Pate. But maybe with your help that can change. This season on the fall line from exactly Right, we work with Shaikemia's family, the local sheriff, and the Georgia Bureau of Investigations to produce a detailed coverage of

This is the fall Line. We hope you'll.

Join us on August seventh for episode one. September fourth, nineteen ninety eight