S2 - Ep. 14 - Karen and Chris

Are you leaving? I you wanta way back home? Either way, we want to.

Be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and they terminol and gay.

We want to send you off in style. Do you wanna welcome you back home?

Tell us all about every scared he was it fine?

Malcorn?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Ride?

Do you need with Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need a ride? This is Chris Fairban.

And this is Karen Cool Gareth.

I startled you again? You did?

You went real loud mm hmm. But I you know that's on me.

You know what happened?

Uh?

Somehow during the word welcome, which is a pretty soft ware. I don't know how this happened. I bit in my cheek. Oh and so there was a substantial amount of pain.

Near the front right on the side. Oh, welcome, welcome, and welcome blood to my mouth. It is a problem. My dad and I share sharp molar edges.

Oh shit. Yeah, this is the family secret.

Yeah, it's the ancient family secret of how to always have a anchors.

Biting the side of your mouth with your razor sharp molars.

Well I have the same.

I guess I must have razor sharp mollers too, because I do the thing where I bite one section and then just keep on biting it over and over.

They feel bad.

It's called chewing your cut where it becomes a pattern.

It's called being dumb, just like cows are. Look at this cool Santa Ria shop.

I don't practice that.

What do you. I don't know the next link.

I don't either.

I mean my sublime material used to be just that, but I don't do it anymore.

I think you started with three eleven. You got no crystal ball. Crystal ball, thank you?

And if you did have a crystal ball, wouldn't you predict that if you had a million dollars you were about to spend it? So maybe you open up an extra can diversify in preparation for them. I'm reading too much into the lyrics, sorry, Bradley.

Yeah, that's like and to your Dalmatian. Turns out, I know a lot about Sublime.

I have no idea what you're talking about all right now, Bradley is a singer and subpl did you not know the Santorea part.

Even I did know that, Okay, that's all.

And you know why, because when I didn't have a DS I was gonna say DVD a CD player in my car around the time that song came out, what the like, early two thousands, Yeah, I would.

I would listen to terrestrial radio while I.

Drove and if that song came on, I would turn it so fast because there's certain songs I can't listen to at all, Right, that's one of them.

Kokomo's another way down.

Yeah, I'm afraid that. I kind of like when that Sublime song comes on. As much as I make fun of white guy reggae, I do kind of there's part of me that there was a time in my life, you know where three eleven and Sublime it just spoke to me.

Sure, you know, I I've always.

Been irie, No, I know. I.

I mean, I think you would have to love it to be so good at making fun of it, right, right.

Part of it.

I think people don't understand that if you're mocking them to your to their face, they're basically admitting they're in love with you, right.

And that's what that is.

And when I did a show in San Francisco for a bunch of guy.

There are dreadlock.

DJs that did like rosta DJ and I don't think they would call it rosta DJA. But that's one of the first times I made fun of them and they were right there. I didn't know they were right there, and they actually kind of turned into Gary Oldman from True Romance.

They wanted to kill me.

They did.

Yeah, they weren't very happy, and I'm like, hey man, it's all out of love, it's all alone.

And they didn't. They weren't on board.

White reggae people better have a sense of humor. Yeah, had best. Yeah, that's not a threat. No, sorry, it's just the way it came out. I'm practicing Sandria on there.

This guy's from Hawaii in front of me. When I went to Hawaii, everyone was just listening. It's like they to Sublime, Sublime everywhere.

They didn't. They don't get new music.

There, oh, all the way over to Hawaii.

Yeah. The ocean.

The ocean inhibits it.

I think it has to have something to do with it.

Not anymore, but in the terrestrial radio days, sure, the signal just didn't make it across across those waters.

So They basically were there with some old reggae, some white reggae.

And some coconuts and some string and.

Of course the ukulele.

They had to make dew.

Then they did, Oh boy, what's.

Going on in this part of the North America with everybody?

Oh? You mean my life?

Sure, I'm going to Montana tomorrow, And it's okay to say, because it's going to be a surprise.

I'm showing up at my nephew's graduation.

But by the time this airs at Wolf already happened, so I'm not spoiling it.

Wait a second, your sister lives in Montana.

She lives in Spokane, Washington.

I knew it.

I knew it was very close. There's just one little panhandle of Idaho that gets in the way.

But oh, so they're celebrating his graduation at your dad's.

Nope, I'm gonna fly to Montana. Oh, hang out with my dad for a day, then drive across that panhandle. I mansions got it into Spokane, Washington.

Got it.

Thank you.

I was so confused. And then I'd love for you to text me every stop you make. Yes, just let me know where you are a panhandle next time you hear from me.

I'll be in Courtelain in Washington near Hayden Lake, the place where all the White Supremacs are used to hang out.

And then they were kicked out and went to Illinoi's.

Did they really?

I think so?

Is that where they went?

I think they went to Illinois.

And then they went onto the internet. Yes, I haven't gotten kicked off of.

That there one dozen strong.

I went once and played Moscow, Idaho. No brag, but it did happen.

Did you? Did you do stand up comedy or music there? Yes? You had.

It was a one nighter you were required to do if that if you played the Seattle Comedy Underground remember that club?

All right?

I was middling for Patten and as the middler, you had to go and headline a one nighter in a holiday and bar in Moscow, Idaho.

You I've told you the story. When I got there, I went with the opener, who was a man who is close to seventy.

He told all street jokes like the hey McLeod, get off of my U. Those remember those, like they're like drunk uncle at a wedding jokes?

Yeah, I wish I knew more of them. For when people ask me, im, I know any jokes.

Yeah, well that one you can keep that for you. That's a free one for you.

This is me putting it in my front pocket for the panhandle.

Yeah. So we got there.

He drove went, We drove from Seattle to It's pretty long.

We get there. They gave us.

A hotel room in the holiday and we get there there watching I believe this time it was either Seinfeld.

Or a sports game. They all wanted to watch.

The guy running the show turned off the show, and when it's time for comedy, so people like literally booed and were mad and drunk, and then Grandpa gets up and tells fifteen mediocre street jokes and then I have to get up in headline and I got I would say twelve minutes into my act. People were bringing shots up on the stage and going drink, drink, drink and shot some shit. And I was like, I don't drink. I'm an alcoholic. I don't drink drake.

Get it. And then I finally told I was like, I'll give you one last joke.

I told it.

I'm like, I think you guys want the TV part turn back on.

That's what we're gonna do, and I just fucking left and as I walked out, so it's just like super awkward quiet as I walked off stage, and then as I walked out the door, because literally out of the door.

Of the bar, you turned right down the hallway and my room was three doors down.

Oh no.

So I was just like I'm not doing this, Like, well, I'm not gonna fight with you fucking people.

And I was a middler. I wasn't a.

Headliner who went up at the end, just another.

No, no, that was supposed to be me. I was supposed to.

Headline it this when what's this?

This was in nineteteen, I'd say ninety six or.

Okaven, okay, okay, that's all. I didn't know you had stopped been not drinking, so damn.

Well, it's not funny. Ninety seven is when I stopped.

Wow uh oh, And there was a fresh like, hey, quit sending these shots up.

I not long ago would drink all of them, right.

But also it was this thing where they were it was like a weird way of fucking with me by giving putting shots on the table like it was very confrontational, but they were pretending it was like we're all partying, and it's like, I'm not only am I not partying, I don't like it here and I don't and none of you care one whit about my comedy ideas.

So let's fucking let's end this charade.

You were in a situation what would be the worst, which I've never experienced, where you.

Were just a couple walls away from the bar.

You could have ran gotten into bed and then overheard them, yes, saying how they didn't like that, they hate a b.

That's an extra. That would have been the worst.

But as I walked out the door, the bouncer as I walked by him, just right into my ear went boo what Wow.

And that's just one of the many stand up comedy experiences I got.

Why did he feel the need to do.

That because I bailed on the show.

I basically got up and was like, you guys suck, this sucks and left.

So I think he just was thought I was a quitter, which he was right.

Wow, I had had a similar experience like that.

Please hold, please hold.

Oh We're at Starbucks.

Hi? Can I get a double tall one pump Mocha? And can I get a Venti Vanilla? Did you say iced Yeah, an ice Venti vanilla latte.

All of the nice Venti vanilla latte.

Also, can we have two of those two iced Ventana vanilla lattis.

Oh my vanilla. It's gonna be super sweet. That'll be fine.

It'll be exciting.

Pretending it's an ice cream. Yeah, I'm not, thank you booze. And man, it makes me want candy. It's so weird.

It's not weird. It's all sugar. Loose is sugar and you just need to replace it.

The other day, the other night it was late, I had to walk to the liquor store and get a Snickers ice cream bar.

I'm really I feel like I'm growing.

Up because you walked yourself down.

Oh man, it was good too. I ate it real fast.

I love all sweets, except.

I don't like almond flavored things or mars pan And that's weird.

What is mars.

Marsa pan is like when you go in to a fancy bakery or candy store and they've shaped like sugar and almond oil and all these different things into pretty little It'll look like a piece of fruit, or it'll look like they basically sculpture. It's candy. Sculpture and then when you eat it, it tastes like almond oil. It tastes like it's almond flavors.

I don't want that.

It's not good.

No, but like princesses and royalty have it.

Oh.

So the card that we're being that we're using today, yes, yes, is to Chris, Karen is Stephen from Rock Sand and Lewis.

I think that's what this says. It looks like or Roxanne and Lexi.

Yeah, that is more great, Yeah, Rock Sand and Lexi.

It does from or.

It looks like Lorraine to me, Okay.

Lorraine, Roxanne, Lexi or Lewis. Thank you so much.

Yeah, and next time, don't use a big fat mark. What is it's like that? There was that person?

Can you see what that says? That they're from this place Wisconsin? Oh wow, I think that's an R or is it a queue?

Yeah boy, it's oh boy boy, I that is oh man, I don't know.

Thank you you too.

Oh sorry, I didn't I thought you you caught that one.

No, no, I gave it. I gave it. I handed it back.

Good manners, Chris.

These they have they have no straw. So we're saving the turtles.

But they're kind of dangerous, right, I really, I've really been enjoying my turtle ambassadorship.

Oh have you gotten a lot of heat off that.

I'm yeah, just not from the turtle industry yet, but yeah, from fans.

They take a while though.

You remember turtles, they're not going to respond as quickly as say a hair even on the corporate level.

They're they're they're they're a different breed.

But I'm yeah, I've been been eating a lot of sugar. I've been staying at home. I went bowling the other night. I did some gardening.

I I'm feeling bad because my neighbor she planted seeds in her garden. Nothing really came up, but mine is flourishing and we get the same amount of sunline.

It asked to me, she's not watering enough. Oh, these flowers are everywhere.

They are wild ones. I'd never done that, so it's very exciting to me. I just feel like I'm growing up. And I bowled very well.

That's exciting.

Yeah, yeah, that's where my life is at.

Well, do you do you want to know where my life is out?

I do.

There's the new Wi Fi and my house doesn't work. It doesn't work.

That's how I discovered that I have an outbox on my email because I've been sending emails hitting send and they don't go through, and then they go sit in the outbox and then don't go through even when the internet comes back.

So you thought people just weren't getting back to you.

Yeah, I mean no, it would be mid conversation where a bunch of people are going back and forth. I think I'm having my say, and the next day I'm like, oh, all those emails are just sitting over here. And then I go to watch TV and every like I was on Netflix first and hit play, and then a thing came up that said this television show will be available in five hours. So it's been like that until this

Eight thirty in the morning.

Right, yeah, Now my life has been ruined by bad WiFi.

Really you think that that ended it?

I mean, who knows. But I can't. I can't.

I don't have it in me to withstand the humiliation of looking like the kind of person that would text another person that they are not really technically involved with.

At fucking eight thirty in the morning.

I can't.

That's I've lived my whole life to not be that person.

It's not. It's not as bad as if it were.

You know, two with three in the morning, you know that's when you seem like a weirdo. What early in the morning. It's like, man, she gets up, she gets stuffed done early. I gotta start waking up early. You probably motivated this person.

I don't know.

I think it's like when you're sleeping you wake up and someone's staring at you.

People, I'm getting real good at saying the right thing crossers.

I don't know how short her jacket is.

Look at him calling her names? Is they're not getting along.

You guys, don't fight these pedestrians. That's the last thing we want to see.

At least save it for the curb. Don't fight mid street.

Oh that taco truck right there that we just passed is the best one in LA. Many people say so.

Yeah, I hear that there's always some taco truck that's claiming to be the best.

I mean, I have to say, such a competitive market, it's very competitive, and everyone's doing a great job.

A few of them are not good, you know what I mean.

There is a or summer just like you might as well have gone to a restaurant because there's a vegan one by my house that I got a burrito and it was twelve dollars. I don't know a lot of brick and mortar twelve dollars burritos, much less one that has a slight hint of gasoline.

They're like, help us keep our van on the street. Yeah, hey, the extra go the extra.

Mile was it was good. It was good, though.

I mean I had a case idea from one I think the one that's outside the Virgil, that permanent one outside the Virgil.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, so good. Yeah, that place. Is that is one that I've heard that's the best.

I mean, I honestly think there's probably about five that you could easily say are the best. Yeah, because they're just making like the chicken. When you get that like chicken in a case of they and it's that red marinated chicken.

Fuck, what more do you want?

There was a I can't Anthony Bourdain one of his shows, No Limits, No no Something.

No Borders, no Border. Yeah, something like that. Yes, that's what there is.

There was some guy that started in the food cart business early on and now has many, many.

Actual restaurants. But it was a really interesting story.

And then they talked about the La riots and his parents hanging out on rooftops with machine guns.

Really yeah, it was like about Koreatown.

And they were talking about going into this sizzler where he and his friends would take meatballs and put them in the taco shells and have these meatball tacos. And I've never been so confronted because ever since that episode, I've wanted to go to that sizzler and have myself a meatball talk. Sure, I haven't yet, though, I just can't bring myself.

To do it, you know, what's funny and this might help you with that. Georgia just told me Georgia hard Shark of the podcast my favorite mind. Yes, yes, right here on the exactly right now. But she said that her and Vince went to a sizzler recently and it was great. And I said, did they still have nacho cheese at their salad bar? And Vince began to described to me what they have at the salad bar and it's nuts. They have like all sorry, all kinds of like appetizers. It sounds crazy.

It's like a new and improved Sizzler.

I think scissors. Really, Yeah, they're trying their best.

Do they still have just a trough of brown pudding with some excess of ranch that like there's always, yes, someone's always they just placed the dressing too close to the pudding because it's an end of salad decision.

I guess, yes, And there's always a ranch spattered X here.

This marks the spot where I saw the pudding I always like.

And when a salad bar there was a restaurant called the Green Mill and Pedalima. There was like strictly for old people. You had to be like over eighty to really enjoy it. Yeah, and they had a big old salad bar and their thing was clean peaches. Remember when clean peaches were just like that was like the and cottage cheese were like in a salad bar.

A big move. The clean peaches, you said, cling seelion.

I've never I just would say canned peaches, shiny, syrupy peaches.

Right, Except the cling, I think is the is the like type of peach.

Or it's the sound that can makes when you drop it into the ling.

I figured it out there. It is.

That's why we're doing this, that's why we try so hard. I just think it's time to reapproach Sizzler. The last time I was there was in the nineties and it was so depressing. I almost took my own.

But your own food there.

I always took my own turkey sandwich, but it was rough.

It was just like super old people eating super slowly and it's smelled not great.

But Vince said, it's a totally different story.

Wow, I should go to that.

I've been eyeball in that one in Korea Town for close to a decade.

There's also one in Atwater that I think is the one he was talking about. By that costco.

Oh I gotta go to that one that sounds better be less crowded, less ranch, Yeah, better parking.

There's no parking in Koreatown.

No, there isn't.

And I had a friend that hunt apartment there once and her car got stolen like three times.

Was it a hount accord?

Probably?

Yeah, they get stolen a lot. That's why I keep mine in my garage. It's it's been very nice though. No one's trying to break in my garage and the ghost has not been visiting at all.

Do you think it could have been pipes or something?

Well, you know, there was objects disappearing and reappearing, right, that was But yes, is it is it me being misplacing them? I'm starting to condence myself that it was just my brain, but it really wasn't, especially those first couple of times.

And there were.

Times, like I said before, where I realized it was something that I'd put in my pocket and then I'd apologize to the ghost. But I did when I burned incense and sage, I did say out loud, you can hang out here when I'm out of town, And I was being serious, like you, it's hard to tell jus to get on out I don't want them to retaliate and suddenly there's a butcher knife flying through the air slowly at me.

So you're doing more of a shared space.

Yeah, we have a Google calendar, we both. I just let them know. I mark out my dates. My my ghost is my new manager does a lot of my scheduling.

That's nice and gets real aggressive with the pay rate.

Yeah, yeah, I hope. So, yeah, it was. It was a businessman in his life.

Look, if your ghost can't get you New Faces this year, you need to fire that.

I already did New Faces, and I was reminded by Chad Daniels, who I did this club in Winnipeg.

Called Rumors. It was very fun.

Yeah, that's that's this is a slut and everyone knows it's all that. That's the most scandalous thing, not my sluttiness.

Everyone's talking about.

It's called they tell jokes here.

But Chad in what's the comic like the week before me and he's he told the story of us at New Faces in Montreal, where we you know, I was very hungover on stage and I said out loud during one of the more impertin sets in my career, do you guys have you ever gotten so drunk with Chad Daniels that you forgot your closer? Well, I have, and then that's how I ended my set. And Dave Wrath was my manager at the time, and he just looked down at Chad and he's like, you son of a bitch,

That's hilarious.

Yeah, well, you know, I bet my life would have been the same had I remembered that closer.

I'd be in the same position right now. We're in the same shirt.

Your hair would be definitely different.

Yeah, you'd have probably a nicer car. This is a nice one, though.

You have impacted my life. Do you see what your drinking does.

To my car? It is what we found out me.

If I had done a better set mine, everything in my life would be the same, but somehow yours would be better.

This would be a.

Mercedes SL five hundred and I would get huge fucking.

Wheels, just slightly better seats.

Oh you have a seat warmer? Yeah I don't, but you do.

Think about those, the domino effect, the butterfly effect. If I can mention my favorite Ashton movie.

Oh Jerry, have you seen that movie?

I started?

It is unbelievably badly great. It is it is, you have to watch it.

I one time was auditioning for something and apparently the production company was owned by Ashton Kutcher. It wasn't called Punked Industries or anything.

So now and I know Trick Incorporated.

It is called Chucker Hats Academy of Bro Browie Arts b Bro. And I went into the They had a giant Butterfly Effect poster.

So after I read these lines, oh no, I said, oh you guys big fans of the movie Butterfly Effect. And I laughed. And then they're like, well we we made that that our company is owned by Ashton Coucher. It's like, oh, so, I'll just see myself out then.

But then there was a gym in there, like where and U and I walked in the gym and he was like, well lifting weights in the gym?

Sure?

And then he said hi, and he seemed really nice.

Did you amologize?

Do you say, oh, I just ripped the Butterfly effected new I'm just.

Glad it happened down the hallway.

Can I just tell you that I used to do a ten minute chunk on the butterfly effect.

It's so funny.

I got a finish watch.

You have to watch it. Did you get to the part where he has a prosthetic arm?

No?

Please do. It's so great.

Wasn't that the movie where he's someone a director said you have to take an acting class, probably.

Because he's kind of in the seventies show he does that.

He's perfect, it's perfect Cassid.

But man, in this he's like freaking out. There's psychological stuff happening. It's like a thriller. Yeah, and he takes you out of it very very often.

But I would argue this, Look, you can't make a good movie by yourself.

If you're Ashton Kutcher. Script needs to be good.

You need good directors, right, You need somebody that can make a realistic looking prosthetic on that's not on him, And he.

Was bringing what they knew exactly what he could bring.

To the table.

He made that movie.

And nobody was helping him with good fun good things to say, or good ways to say it.

So he was totally on his own.

Do you think he wrote it really and directed it? No?

No, no, I'm just saying that you know those people in that room saying, well we made it are as responsible, if not more so, than anybody else, because you can't you know what I mean, he doesn't know what a good movie script. Probably it was he was twenty five, right, he was only on one TV show.

He was a model. He was an underwear model, right.

So like he's like, oh, this is what a cool concept, which it was a cool concept.

The execution was fucking disastrous things.

Yes, yes, to the point where it's a great movie to watch.

It is it kind of like powder where you just can't believe some of these things are happening.

And also you get like, because I think everybody loves Ashton Kutcher, I think, I mean aside from the punk shit.

And the fact that right right some reason, Yeah, you would never be like, oh that asshole.

No, because he has a great face and it seems like a guy you went to high school with, and he's kind of he has a good vibe emotionally.

How what are his eyebrows telling you? Because I know you put a lot away to the eyebrows.

Yeah, I get a blankness from his eyebrows that actually, I bet you over the years, Like you know, he was who did he play?

He played Steve Jobs.

And there are people who said the Steve Jobs that Ashton Kutcher did that movie was better than the one.

That Fastbender Spinder Dead.

There are people that say that because he looked exactly like him and the acting was really good. So man, you know, he may have grown and changed and taken that acting class that was recommended. Right, it doesn't make the butterfly effect any less valid as a form of entertainment. Like everything doesn't need to be an Oscar winning thing. I get just as much, if not more, entertainment out of the butterfly effect than I do some fucking I don't.

For some reason, I had to stop watching watching it abruptly, and I remember vividly turning, pausing it.

But it still says the.

Arm come and grab you out of your accouch, And then there's Ashton Kutcher.

Buddy, it's just a prop, buddy, don't be scared.

Oh God, I'm so glad he didn't hear me make fun of it.

Well, also, boy, did you hear he just he had to be a witness in a murder trial because a girl that he had just started dating was murdered by a serial killer. What yes, and he just had to testify. It's heartbreaking, like when he was he was going over to her house to meet her to go out on a date with her, and she didn't answer the door, and so he like looked around and all this different stuff and left and she was inside the house she'd been murdered.

So for a little while he was one of the suspects.

When what's this? What year? Well he just.

Testified like with it like a month ago, but I don't know what year it happened.

Oh, man, God, Stephen just handed me a picture of him. He looks he's handsome.

He's a beautiful man. And isn't that funny? Nice?

Oh yeah, yeah, the murders too.

It's like he just started dating some girl that he likes.

That's so awful. It's awful.

It's awful.

And he probably got approval from Demi and Bruce Willis to date the girl and they.

Have like a very tight knit Oh now, it sounds like I'm making life someone dying.

No, no, no, no, but I think no, this was way before, I think, right, Stephen, are you looking at that article?

Man?

No one really cares about the story but me.

No, I care, I do care.

I feel bad that I tried to make jokes. Oh, when I hear about someone dying, I have to make jokes. I make good jokes in hospital too. I get nervous, and it's my defense mechanism.

Listen, I'm not judging you. It's the reason I have this beautiful car.

I went.

I don't know how to act when real emotions are needed. I went to the doctor. My shoulders have been clicking and have weird bumps in them, and I can't bring my arms back. So I went to a doctor and I'm like, hey, I got click any bumpity shoulders and I couldn't. I kept trying to make him laugh, just because I was nervous about things. And then I think that I and he was laughing. This doctor's become my friend.

Just he's trying to get you to come back. Maybe I don't know what I'm saying.

I think I'm just My own comedy is going to kill me because I can't stop. I didn't stop to think about what I need to tell him.

Oh, because you were riffing so hard.

Yeah, I'm riffing and riffing.

And then it's like wait, and then the reason that came here wasn't to do a little concert, or was it?

Or was it? Now? This is That's my version of a one man show, one guy in the audience.

The doctor is different than the new male adult friend you've made recently, Right right, two different adult male friends know.

I exchanged phone numbers with an age appropriate man that it's not my new friend.

We go skateboarding and he's also an artist. We have a lot in common. We were set up by my buddy Jim. Yeah, I have a new friend in my neighborhood. And we go and we go skateboarding, we play but bowlding. It's very fun. It's weird as an adult to do because I meet guys all the time. I'm like that guy was not And it seems weird ye in your forties to say, hey, can I call you sometime?

I don't know why.

Well, first of all, because people don't call each other anymore, right, just never ask that question again in your lifetime, right right, No one wants you to call them.

The answer is no, No, I played it cool. I was like, hey, I'll touch you and we'll go skating. Dude, Hey, do you want.

Me to send you an emoji that's hard to interpret?

Yeah, yeah, sounds good, A yelling shadow profile head.

Now, what time in the morning do you want it? Because I can go as early as six.

Am, depending on when my phone lets me know you sent me something.

No.

No, it's been great. I love my new neighborhood. I have friends. I have that garden. I mentioned that was an exciting part of the podcast.

You're making friends, you're gardening. You're talking about gardening.

Yeah, exactly.

It's new life. It's a new life.

I have new gardening friends. Are you going to have a party? I hat You're right.

There's a lot of I got to get to a good stopping point of what well I'm now. I'm deciding to make my room kind of camping themed. I'm going to put a over the bed. I'm going to get some faux grass and put that at the base of my tree wallpaper wall, and uh, I.

Want grass like astro.

It is not. It's better nascro turf.

It's the new stuff that people use in lieu of growing grass. There's even like fake dried grass in it. Oh, it looks very realistic. It's three dollars a square foot. It's like a little bit of an investment.

How many square feet did you get?

I'm gonna get twelve by twelve by two, so we're now looking Yeah, twelve by three.

Okay, I'm gonna get a hundred bucks.

Worth nice and I'm gonna.

Yeah, and I'm gonna like have it be a wavy line like a golf course or something. Okay, Yeah, I'm going to have that in the corner with maybe a Coleman lantern. And it's just going to be a little strange, I think, But it's what I want to do. And I want to have my bed tan to canvas stand.

Over my bed.

Okay.

There's a hotel I Data.

In Big Bear and each room was themed camping style and I really enjoyed it there.

Yeah, I think I want to do that to my room.

Okay, Well, you shouldn't do exactly what you want to that room.

Do you think I'm describing that strange? Is it strange?

I'm trying to picture going into that room romantically?

Oh right, you know what I mean?

When you're going to bring home one of your twenty three year olds.

That you like to bring home, right, right, what's she going to.

Feel about suddenly being on camping and I'm and I'm wearing a boy scout uniform.

You're like, please put on this dead mother dress.

Please don't mind me. I'm licking a lollipop. I'm wearing a propeller hat.

I like my youth and I want to recapture it.

I do more interesting. Yeah, I think it'll only classy. I'm making it sound ridiculous, Okay, but it is. My apartment's almost ready. You're right, I should have a party.

Well, I'm just saying I think I think you're ready. And you throw really good parties, don't you.

Yeah, yeah, I've thrown parties before. It'll be a good time.

I think you have a good combination of friends because you, of course have the comedy element. But then you pull in that very for two me, in my opinion, what really adds to a party skateboarders.

And civilian civilian skateboarders.

Normal people and skateboarders, which I wouldn't necessarily group together.

When I lived in Austin, I would throw parties and it would be exactly half skater dudes and half comedian people, and it's so fun to watch them interact.

What I find the times I've seen skater dudes interacting with comedians is that comedians will joke about shitting on the floor, and skater dudes will shit on the floor.

Am I right about that?

Right? Right?

And they'll be mad if you joke about it and don't do it, they'll be like, what are you even talking about this for?

You should just be doing it?

Have I?

I feel this is every time I say if I told this before, it usually is, but you don't notice sometimes and it's okay.

The experience of new for each of us.

That's the beauty this podcast is neither of us remember anything.

Our brains are shrinking at the same rate.

It's so comforting.

I didn't shit on a floor, but I did get my mind on a floor.

By uh.

I was going up and I saw that the girl recently that owned the cabin, and she told she I knew I had gotten away with it without being blamed for the vehicle manner on the floor.

But I went outside and it was winter, and I.

Hate to ask questes.

Yes, yes, you're not going to explain how it got on the floor. What the excuses or anything, or do you want to skip that part?

I can. I'm telling it in a weird order.

Are you going to reveal later? What happened?

The pipes were shut off at the apartment and so or at the cabin. It was a cabin far off, and she said we had to go to the bathroom first, and I ignored those that request, and then once I got.

There, I really had to go to the bathroom.

And there was no bathroom up there, and it was winter, and so I went outside in the snow and accidentally the boots I had put on had stepped in it. Oh and at night, I went back in and they had all gone to sleep.

They're playing board games.

It was me.

I was the third wheel. It was two friends and their dates. And I went in and I walked through the cabin like it was white, white carpet.

In a cabin.

Yes, they're asking for it right exactly.

That's why I felt okay lying and I forgot what the lie was. But she said recently, she said, remember when we went to the cabin and you stepped in wolf shit and I so then I realized, oh, I could somehow convince them and it was like nineteen ninety five where no one knew that much about.

Wolves, right, you couldn't you couldn't google anything.

I lied. I just lied.

Wolf verst human shit.

I lied. Good.

What kind of fucking Paris Hilton cabin were you going to?

It was beautiful.

Yeah, they were wealthy, they lived in their was just people playing polo.

I'll never forget that. No, really, Yeah, there was a polo cord in the back.

Did you shoot on the polo court?

No? No, I saved it for the cabin.

And I knew they some butler would just take They had people that worked at the house that they.

Didn't make eye contact with.

It's very It's one of my I had first times feeling really uncomfortable around people with money.

And her parents were much older and anyway, so I went up and tracked shipped through their cabin quote unquote wolfshit through their cabin.

Uh. I mean the only the only embarrassing story that's similar to that is we one time stayed in my cousin's uh loft apartment in Portland, me Greg Brren, Lisa Landang, Paul.

It was a real people, It was a real cavalcade of superstars.

Yeah, Lyn, just having fun and then of course it turned very not fun because my cousin's loft he was gone for you know, like a month, and he his loft that it was a shared bathroom. I think they call those Jack and Jill bathrooms. So there's a door on our side and then a door on the other side connecting to the other apartment, and you know what I mean.

And basically the bathroom was in the middle of it.

Oh too sure, and the person who lived in the other apartment locked the door so we couldn't get into the bathroom because.

I think he thought from the inside, Yeah, my cousin was gone, I had an apartment like that.

Then the neighbor did it to me all the time.

Nightmare.

Yeah, it's awful.

So and because that's back when we were still drinking. So then one morning I woke up and I was just like I tried to open this door with every like knife, and I tried to break into it in every way, and finally I just took like one of their free weekly papers and went up to the roof and like and like, like I was training myself as a puppy.

I shot on a weekly paper and then folded it up.

I'm so glad you're sharing this.

I thought, there's no way you're gonna tell that story as embarrassing I was. I felt, you're making me feel better. That's why I'm doing it. Thank you for doing that. I really put myself out there. Mine's disgusting. And then I tracked it through the apartment and then you just you just told me about at least you kept it on.

The roof, I mean.

And the funniest thing was because I was like, so I folded up and I'm like, now I have to find a garbage can.

To put human waste it Like this is a bit of a thing.

So they don't put it in the corner, right, put in the corner to like take care of it.

No no, no, no, no, no no, and put baby shit in the corner.

And Greg Barrett as I'm coming down, No Greg Barrett is coming up. It was so hilarious and we were just like we'd look at each other and we were all none of us were getting.

Along on this trip, and everybody was fighting.

Everybody was drinking and fighting and it was hilarious and it was just like and and people were kind of mad at me, like because there was no bathroom.

I was like, we can stay in my cousin's place.

And then it was just like, there's no bathroom and there was no air conditioning and it was boiling hot.

It was kind of nuts and that somehow that was your fault that it was a Jack and Jill style bath.

An unbreakable into I feel like if you have a bathroom like that, the lock should be one of those kinds that if you stick a butter knife in it and turn it, you.

Can open it from the right side. You shouldn't be able to like completely lock the bathroom.

Yeah, yeah, and that's probably a fire hazard one.

When I first moved ast and I moved into this tiny room, it was above a noodle like a restaurant, so it always smelled like good uh like fuh, you know, it's like fast or faux or.

Four or five five faux or FuMB and the.

Neighbors smelled like the blood of an englishman.

Yes, it very much did. And what do you deal with a drunken Irish sailor?

Did you cut his belly with a rust? Yeah?

So you had I known that back then, my living situation would have been fine. The neighbor was a guy who I would make like we weren't allowed to have anything in there, like a hot plate or anything.

I had a microwave, so everything. There was no kitchen, it was just a room.

Yeah, I would slam the microwave and a half hour later he would had there'd be a three page written note like describing the experience of me slamming my microwave and how the sound of it travels down the wall, across the floor and against his brain like a rubber malleche, and the writing I'd get more intense, and he'd be I'll give you two more chances. He told me I had a couple more microwave slams before he would have to tell the landlord, who was this very stern German

Oh oh, and he but he get on top like that, Oh yeah, Balding.

Balding always had a band aid on his bald head like he shaved it, and every once in a while there'd be but he was he was fucking was ripped.

And his mattress.

I remember walking through his room and and trying not to look at anything, but it was a serial killer looking room. His mattress was bound up, rolled up and wrapped with like bungee cords. And the noises he was making at night I thought were like sex noises. I didn't know. But he was boxing. He was punching his mattress. He'd be in there boxing. He had a giant computer.

Maybe he's uncle, I don't know. There was scary.

His wall had pictures of and it looked very victimy and he was shirtless and it's matt and there was no other belongings.

I'm like, oh, you have no clothes. There was a pile of laundry. What city this was in? Austin?

And the letters kept coming and I was getting more and more scared. And there was times where he'd be sobbing and he would ask for help and I would just hide and pretend I wasn't there. He was like a crazy person. What did he So I decided to move out. Yeah, And and the day I was.

Getting ready and packing, he just knocked on my door and he looked all healthy and normally he's like, hey, see you later. I just want to say it was nice living next to you.

I got a job in California, so I'm move and I'd never heard him say anything, but he wanted to shake my hand and say goodbye.

I moved out because of him, and then he beat me to it.

And then he's still moving.

Yeah, and I wanted to I'm like, wait, I'll stay now, but the crazy bandaid guy murderer left but it.

Was too late.

Oh shit, that asshole.

And that's the last time I left alone until now.

You know what.

Yeah, here he is right now.

Oho told you I moved to California. I know neighbor, he really and he wasn't. He was an accountant and that's all I knew about him. And he was athletic, like it did make sense that he is repped. He's riding his mountain bike all the time. But but he was real creepy.

Yeah.

The crying is tough because it's a lot to be scared of somebody, and that can be like, Okay, this is a physically threatening person, and I understand him in this one way, but the crying folds in the humanity of like, oh, we're all just we're all just crumbling interior.

Right, it's so sad.

I would hear noises and I thought when maybe he's having weird sex, maybe he has a pet chin chill up, maybe that's not maybe, you know, I just couldn't pinpoint all the noises, but it was all weird stuff. Yeah, And I just kind of wasn't paying attention. But once I was paying attention, I'm like, I got to get out of here. This guy's gonna kill me.

Yeah. Well, I think you were right.

I think always better to try to move out away from those people because it's where you live.

Like, you have to feel safe and relaxed where you live. You know, you can't.

You just can't have like a threat hanging over you and pretend that's not going to affect you.

Yeah, I was.

Kind of One day.

There was a guy that lived across the hall from me when I lived in my tragic studio apartment on Grace, and I think he was a really nice guy actually, but he came over one time. I think he could smell that I smoked pot and cigarettes and drank, and so he came over one day, knocked on the door and was like, Hey, do you want to watch the Simpsons together? And then I was just like in that moment, I was just like, if I say yes, and like, go into that guy's house.

He lives across the hall.

It would be even better if he looked like.

He did have those kind of eyes where the irises don't go to the bottom. And it scared me.

And then when, of course, when I talked about it on stage, which of course I did, I was like, and I'm almost positive there was a fine mist of blood on his face. I was like, no, no thanks, no thanks, But he did. He was just a regular guy, and I was just you know, out of my mind.

And and he had he just had bright freckles.

He just it was just entirely made up because I was just saying, everyone wants to kill you.

A fine mist of blood is a very vivid st He.

Doesn't realize the blowback blood from his last victim is actually.

Still on his face. Yeah, its me over to watch the Simpson.

And then you're gonna call up a spatter technician or whatever the blood spatter.

Blood a dexter type just to wipe his face with a with a gloved finger.

Yep.

Meanwhile, it's like I could have who fucking knows this sliding door.

Style that could have been my U the one capital T, capital O and I was a paranoid lunatic.

That was just like, I can't you can't be near me, you live too close.

Yeah, well you did that. You're making a good point.

I really thought there's people that are driving like bats out of hell.

Yeah, everyone's a terrible driver. It's just awful.

It's been a whole day of that for me.

I really again, I want to thank you for telling your Roof Pooh story. You're welcome you really, I can't believe you did. That's one of the nicest things you've done for me.

You're always Yes, I liked improv, but also those stories. I've been listening to storytelling podcasts recently where everybody has a shit story and even though it's like it's the funniest thing to tell because it's so humilating, but everyone laughs, because everyone's done some version of it and is keeping it a secret.

And I've always wanted to have a group of storytellers and go on the road and call it Tour of duty on.

Roll Well line, I'll do it. Oh, yes, the name is, the name is everything. Uh, but it is everyone does have no I really did.

We. Johnny Pemberton and I have both.

Had whatever colon issues in the past. It's very serious, but we both had some stories and we talked.

That's to her duty. I already had.

And can that was yours already?

Yeah, yeah, I didn't.

Stephen's choking right now, but I think really subconsciously he wants to tell a poop story.

Stephen, get on.

You gotta give me a minute. I will think that I know I have one. I mean, I definitely know.

I peed in my pants in front of everybody in camp when I was a kid. Oh how old I think I was like eight. But the nicest part was when the teacher took me aside to change my pants. She was like, she told me a story about how she peed her pants, like on the freeway waiting in traffic.

That was like, that was just nice to hear as a kid. For like an adult to be.

Like, yeah, it's okay, it happens all the time.

Yeah, it's like Adam Sandler turning to the other kids and saying, hey, peeing your pants is the coolest yes, and then they're.

Like, hey, look I'm peeing. Mind also the best saint ever.

Have you ever heard Sarah Shaeffer tell that story in her stand up where she was at the grocery store in New York City and she like got off the subway, had to pee, but then had to get some stuff at the grocery store and by the time she was checking out, she had to pee.

So bad she just peed standing at the checkout.

Wow, she just couldn't hold it anymore and was like She's like, it was like physically painful. It was like a medical emergency. And so she's like, I just stood there, peeded, and then got my groceries and walked away. It's not as you have to hear her tell it. It's so fucking funny.

My consciously, Yeah, I've done.

I'm one time in Houston driving they have something called the loop and I couldn't get I didn't know where I was, I couldn't get off the freeway. There's cars everywhere. I had to go so bad that I just for some reason. I had a cardboard box in the seat next to me. I folded it out, sat on it, and while I drove, and let me tell you, exhilarating.

Yes, right, God, what a relief.

It feels great.

I did that. Once we drank. We were going to.

Do what you want.

We were driving to go see the cure in San Francisco. We drank the whole way there from Sacramento, and when we got onto the Bay Bridge, I had to pee so bad.

It was the same situation where I was almost crying.

I grabbed a big gulf cup, peed into it in the back seat, and then right as we get off the bridge, the first stop light we hit.

I just opened the door and put the big out on the side one, which is disgusting, but I was. It was a genuine emergency.

It's I think that everyone hides that.

Oh, I mean, I mean we are every time we make a weird noise, it's because we're saying cars almost ran into each other.

Because we're German, cars attack other people on the street.

Yeah, has that been an hour? I think it has.

Right, This is a nice tight this is this one is it's personal, it's clean, it's fast and clean and personal.

Don't you think.

I'd like to apologize also, not to keep going back and revisiting moments that weren't.

Good during the podcast. But I do not like how I made light.

Of the murder of Astre's girlfriend that's been eating away at me. Okay, and I if anyone knows her, I'm sorry for your loss and that because it's really sad. But the minute I hear about a murder, I just got to make jokes.

I know it's discomfort. It's a very scary thing.

You know, we're all gonna die, and whether we die violently at the hand of someone psychotic, or we just fall out of our car and have our head get rolled over by a bus, whatever.

It might see aneurysm on the toilet, I was gonna say, shot with.

An arrow by a child which is also falling in love.

You can interpret it one of two ways.

The most.

You just turned a murdering a chucky doll nus the menace murderer in the Cupid. All of a sudden, he's wearing diapers because it's the.

Same fucking thing.

He might as well be a serial killer, that Cupid, the way he destroys lives.

Well, that's it right, Yeah, the only what do I have to plug? I'm going to Pedaluman doing shows.

Where Gin Distillery.

Yes, yeah, that's the place. That's the place, and that isn't I was going to see. I mean it's with Caitlin Yill and Jackie Kashion are people that we both love, and that's it's in. I think that's not until it's it's a way's way. I shouldn't be.

It's in August still, people time to plant.

Yeah, you live in Pedaloma or in the Bay Area and you're up for a good comedy show in Pedaloma.

I don't do you know the name of the Gen Distillery. There's only one one.

I think it's the Gen Distillery. But I do know that it's going to be on the seventh, seventeenth.

Or is it the Mystic Theater.

I think it's on the Gin thing sounds better.

It's on Corona Road.

My sister literally lives three minutes away from that Gen Distillery.

So those guys will go watch you.

Yeah, you should come with and then we'll podcast now on the way and we'll drop you off.

Oh my god, but.

We can't take you back. We're flying. No, just kidding.

I would I would do that. I would totally do that. Yeah, I'll do a drop in tight four. I was gonna say, do you want to understand upon the show? You gotta ease back into.

It at some point I'm gonna have to or just leap back into it.

Yeah, or Stephen, do you have some information Chris Fairbanks dot com slash tour that the Griffo Distillery.

Yeah, okay.

Does it say it's on Corona Road or does it? Chris?

You have the address on your website.

I know the Griffoh Distillery in Pedalama, California, which they I think they booked on a good comedy shows.

I'm excited about it. And next month in July, I'm going to be in Austin in Houston.

Okay, we'll promote those in the middle.

Yeah, just go to my website.

Oh yeah, Chris, Chris Fairbanks dot com slash tour.

Yes, yes, I think that is what it is, or slash shows shows.

Come on, I know I call it shows shows with a Z tour.

There's so much pressure to string a bunch of them in succession like it's no my sporadic shows take it anywhere I want it to. I just want I just have mine flights. I try and have as many flights a different places as possible.

Other than that, you can't promise anything, but you will be flying somewhere.

Except for laughs, Karen, I don't.

Have anything to plug.

I am on vacation soon and I don't want to do anything, and I'm not going to do anything, and no one.

Can make me.

Well, it's good to see you again, friend, Thank you so much. Good to see you against Stephen.

Stephen, thank you for making this happen for it, thank you for being our guest.

You are such a good guest.

I hate to break it to you all listening right now, but we don't have a guest this episode.

We uh, we might as well plug Stephen. Yeah, Stephen has a podcast called the Percast. You have a couple see Jurassic right, Yes, the per Cast?

What's the other one?

Those are the only two right now? And then and then everything else is exactly right.

And then he is the head engineer of the exactly right network.

And uh, that's a lofty engineer because there's a lot there's a friend of mine. He used to design uh submarine hatches and I need to design that sauna care toothbrush? You guys are both engineers. It's very You're a sound engineer to live up to. And he's a I don't know engineer. No, no, I think that's when you designed our ways in streets. I think a mechanical engineer.

Mechanical, mechanical, and I.

Am a joke engineer and training, which explains my stripe.

And I'm an imagineer, but I don't work for Disney. I'm actually working actively against them.

And I'm a rocketeer and I do work for Disney, and I'm an ear nose and throat doctor.

Ah this has been Do you need a ride?

I am a r.

I leave you wanna way back? Either way?

We want to be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim us time and Tournano and Gabe.

We want to send you up instead. We want to welcome you back home.

Tell us all that it re scared her? Was it fine? Melbourn?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need.

With Karen and Chris

H