S2 - Ep. 12 - Chris and Karen

Are you leaving?

I you wanna way back home?

Either way, we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a terminol and gay ad. We want to send you off in style. You want to welcome you back home? Tell us all about ity scared?

He was it fine?

Malborn?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need.

With Karen and Chris welcome? Do you need to ride?

Jesus, this is christ, this is karcl Gara.

It's the only chance I have to live out my childhood dreams of following my dad's footsteps and becoming a terrestrial radio host.

I think you mean this podcast.

Just the opening welcome to do you need a rite?

And every time Chris, that's where it's my only chance to call out baseball.

It's your SCC voice and it is professional.

I totally did a thing to day where I remember fdi C again like I had to go really fast?

What like an audition? No?

I did?

I do occasionally do pyramid a old voice sober thing.

Oh why don't you tell us about this?

I've been doing it ever since we went to Bridgetown and you you mad stuff with Drennan like that.

Right, oh shit, And I remember this packed.

Weekend of things and yeah, every once in a while they'll be like, hey, we have these these these new these new voices.

So it's been a continual job. It wasn't that just that weekend.

It's weird, though, because I'm bad at it.

I'm not good at nunciating, and anytime there's essays like I have a tongue thrust. That's why I had to get braces, like talk my ssas I spit. We've talked about how I spit. I didn't know how much I spat until I watched My special and it's just spit. And now everyone's telling me to call it spit take, which I think I might do, but then I.

Have to everyone is everyone's saying, call your special spit.

That's hilarious. And because you must make jokes about it while you're.

Doing it, spit balling, because with balling at like crying because I'm spinning.

And I may or may not cry during.

Whatever the point, jokes about it while you're.

Your My opening joke is about crying and no, no, the spit No, it's I don't call it out, It's just something I saw, No I do. There is a moment worst bit flies out and I see it, and I say, ah, that happened, not because I'm hungry, but because I'm gonna vomit because I can't stop talking about cat dicks or whatever it was during that cat dick, which you know, I always think it's funny that your

It's a new bit.

Yeah, this is new. It takes twenty minutes. I hope you enjoy it. I really like it so far, but I did, I did. You're right it. There is a moment where.

Then I love I think spittik is a hilarious Then you own it. Yeah, you get to get out in front of it if you like it. But that's really funny too, right. I was going to share with you my favorite memory of that Bridgetown weekend. If and correct me, if it was not that one, but the one where we I came out of that club where everybody was like the home Base club that was right there on that street, and you were in a refrigerator box.

Oh yeah, outside of the Doug Fir.

I mean I remember it being an empty parking lot.

I just posted that video the other day because it was in a time hop thing like remember that, and I people liked hearing about it.

But now it's anyway. I reposted that on my Instagram.

You have to go look if you want to see Chris Fairbanks at his finest.

At his comedy.

Festival finest, Chris put on a refrigerator box and then got yelled at by a bouncer.

Oh it was some night desk clerk that's twenty years younger than me. I've always had trouble with authority when it's a kid, and that's don't tell me to not run at the water slides.

You still have a year of high school. I'm your dad's age. Do not.

I'm sorry, even cops. I it's like, I can't. You're twenty and you call that a mustache.

I can't.

And then and so that's this kid plus and I didn't want to mention this because this makes me a.

Do you know who I am? Person?

But my friend is as part owner of that the Doug Fer and Juniper Oh, so I wanted and this kid was being such a jerk, but I was being loud at night, but no one's really being disturbed.

It's a every all above a bar, and every person that was staying at the hotel was part of the comedy festival, and he would we established.

We established that we were staying there, and of course I'm going to put on a refrigerator box that had armholes. I put it on upside down so the armholes were down by my knees. But he knew what I was doing. He knew said haha, man in a box. But instead he was like, please leave, please leave. I'm like, what do you mean leave?

We're living here tonight, this is my home. Almost still mad at that guy.

I may have been drunk and being addict disorderly, but I'm it only made me be rebellious with a smile on my face.

Had it been right now, boy, I would have not been smiling.

You were having a great time, he was having fun. You were People were trying to get you down, but you weren't letting the man get you down at all.

You were you were. I think it was because you were in a box.

I got to keep on moving.

Yeah, you were in a box.

You had the protection of the refrigerator aura around you. Yeah, and you were just kind of like, look, I have to do this. This is who I am.

Yeah, and it is who I often am. I do.

I've always liked just give me a refrigerator box. Maybe it's because I we didn't have a lot of money when I was a kid, but yeah, God, I love getting.

In a box.

You just make do is what you do.

Yeah, and then you live your life to ultimately get in a box.

Get in that fucking when you die.

And right now, I'm going to make sure your coffin is made of refrigerator cardboard.

As long as it's well made and refrigerated.

Ye. What if you get a coffin that's that's a deep freezer, but it's still shaped like a coffin.

I'm just pitching ideas for.

Your coffin for anyone that wants to kind of cryogenically be frozen, Yeah.

Or like a water coffin, like it's a waterbed, but body is just lightly floating up as.

Someone that grew up with a waterbed and now has a permanent hunch upon his back.

I do not recommend that.

Okay, do you think it fucked up your spine?

Oh? Yeah, whoa, whoa, whoa. There was never too fast, too loud to other cars.

Do not stop when full alarm is going.

I do like how cautiously you went through.

He really did?

He really did.

Burbank police shout out, you guys, really hold it down. I've been interviewed by them once and they were incredibly beautiful and professional.

Really the un interview, there was a shooting down the street.

I was gonna say, did you witness a pancake like murder?

I think I know, I've told you the story, but there was a shooting and they The next morning, there's a knock on my door and I open it and there are two detectives from the police, the Bourbonk Police Department, and they're wearing suits and their hair slipped back, and it looked like something out of a TV show and they were really muscular and like middle age silver fox type.

I feel like I had heard that, but I was getting deja vus of it when Sam, Yeah, because he had some good good cop, bad cop, tough guy, one guy slick, one guy young.

Yeah, And I think I probably jumped in on that story.

It was probably the same cops.

No, because because once Hollywood and wants Bourbank, Burbank's a different Lake city.

I believe there was that movie that came out that could only had all signs of being not good with Russell Crowe and who's the guy? Who's the guy that I am sort of attracted to?

Go no, no, too much eyebrows with Ferrell?

Oh, I can't get enough of those.

I know you know you're you're your forehead hair lady.

Oh, that's just my godish forehead hair.

Yeah, don't make me watch one of the guy Oka men commercials.

Oh lose it. There's well there was.

I tried to call someone tried to break into my garage by song?

Did I tell you that? Aya?

And so I've reinforced it, and I because I don't police won't come if if you're not saying there's a knife coming towards me.

Now or so, I just don't have the manpower.

Do you think it's overkill? If in my one bedroom rental I get adt shotgun atd or like the home surveillance. No, it's only forty bucks a month and they come and give you free equipment and they monitor and if I'm gone, which I'm about to be gone two weeks.

Sure it's a great investment. Yeah, just for the protection.

It's like getting homeowners insurant or renters inshurt because they.

Have a direct line and the cops come and they tell them to that's right. There isn't any questions like where are you, what is he wearing? Sir called down, that's none of that. Meanwhile, I'll be you know, boozing it up in some condo and Winnipeg.

We see the life.

When I worked at the Gap, we got we got robbed one night by these guys who are pretending to shop. And then when I bagged everything up and put it on the counter, that it was like a smash and grab, and they threw our security guard who was very thin, oh not very guarding. They threw him right up against the glass wall and just all ran out.

And so I called nine one one and I was like, They're like nine one, what's your emergency? And I was like, oh, these.

Guys just robber store and they're like, okay, what do they is it a did they hold.

You up at gunpoint?

And we're like no, no, no, they just took the stuff and ran And they're like what and they're like, well, are do you see them now? And we're like no, they ran away and they're like, yeah, I know, there's there's nothing to and they basically just said, no, one's going to come out there.

Why are you wasting our time?

Yeah, And it was a legit robbery, but it was kind of like our fault.

No matter what fender bender, I'm saying there's a gun. I'm just gonna say And then.

Oh yeah did I say that? Sorry?

Oh well I was in shock.

That's in the past. You're here now, can I can you, you know, take pictures of this accident.

The problem is that then the cop that shows up is going to be young, and you're gonna fucking lose it.

That cop is going to be like twenty two. I will be like, sure, stand over here.

And you're gonna go in ire was in college when you first touched her, there, sir, And then it's like the guy, remember the guy that gives the guy the ticket, and the guy goes insane and rips it up and the guy just stands there.

Oh my god, today Ice, Yeah, yeah, totally. I I go, I sug do I do. I can't I just get ahead of I have to.

Tell you the story I'm here for.

He gotta stop on and just move along because this this kid today, I there's a notoriously busy intersection by my old place.

I had to go over there today to.

Get my UH reminisque, to get my anti shakes medications. Okay, I got some medicine keep me from shaking and UH and some other stuff anyway, because my my pharmacy's over there. But this, okay, in the intersection, there was just a car. This surfer kid was screaming at a guy. He was so irate, screaming at the top of his lungs, almost crying.

But he was about to hit him.

But the guy was just on foot and the kid's car was just the wheel was off, and this guy on foot was He's like, I want to see your insurance and he just kept pointing, shrugging and pointing at his shoes as if to say, I'm how am I insurance for what I'm on foot? But why is the guy his wheel was off, So I just pulled up in some slavic looking pedestrian who's a superhero kicked the wheel off a car.

I don't know, but this kid's wheel was off and laying down, And.

Then somebody was accusing someone else of being responsible to that.

Yes, and and the kid was angry enough to where the guy must have been. I don't know how, or there was a car wreck, and the guy went and parked his car and then walked back. And that gave this kid time enough to get so angry that I couldn't It was unbelievable how mad he got. I don't think I've ever been that mad. He was having a plane strains, automobiles meltdown. Where's my rental car? Take that stupid fucking smile off your stupid fucking face moment?

Did you ever?

Did I ever get to the bottom of it, and therefore finally did.

Feel away.

I realized I was in the intersection for like five minutes and being coming part of the problem because I wanted this. I wanted to have an end to this story basically, but it ended with me driving away. And I'll never know how the hell the guy's wheel is off, whether or not he bleached his hair or it was just naturally in that.

Pond, and all the other questions you got on the clipboard.

Yeah.

Yeah, Like I had a whole checklist. Is the guy actually from Russia? Did he just have Russian riding on his shirt?

Now? When you say he was so mad?

Was it like because he was the volume he was screaming at was it his face?

I was two cars behind this accident, and people drove around him, and I just went and stopped and sat there a while, and I could hear everything he was saying.

He was just so screaming, so loud.

Wow, he was just really upset.

His wheel was off, and somehow it was this guy's fault. Okay, because the guy was.

Like taking pictures of the car and like, when God his insurance. But what I don't understand is he.

Was on foot. That's my whole point. It's just what insurance for my Sketchers? Do you have Sketchers insurance? I don't know.

The guy pulls out a little insurance thing from the sole of his shoe, look it do you've never have you heard of the new insurance line Sketches.

It's true, though, someone can cause an accident from a bike or as a pedestrian or and then it's like, haha, I don't I'm not part of this.

I can just run away.

Yeah, that's true.

You'd have to go after them on foot if you were the other person who volved.

It's not a hit and run if you simply are have a Russian superhuman strength and can kick wheels.

And are going around the city doing that. Willy nilly.

Yeah, this guy was pretty casual about it. It looked like he'd been in this situation before.

Yeah, well you know what, that's why you got to get carfax. Don't kick those wheels, just get the car fax.

Oh yeah, get the cart get it.

Yep, do you get it?

Okay, now I do get it. Actually I didn't, and now I get it.

I was complimenting you.

I was just trying to see if his car was up.

That's saying like, you kicked the tires and you see how the car is.

He was just a dad from the seventies.

He used car lot that was in the middle of an intersection.

I just wanted to see if superos were what they're all cracked up to be.

And they kicked a little and.

The guys like this car is not for sale.

I hate that I'm from Krypton. Why can't I be a normal I can't test.

Out tires the way everyone else can.

I was going to tell you or tell the listeners, h and tell you for a second time that we were on tour.

My favorite murder was on tour last weekend.

No where'd you go?

We were in Oh God, we were in Oklahoma City. We were in Houston, and we were in Dallas and we had great shows and met a ton of awesome people, and that the shows were amazing. Of course, it's a it's a miracle and a blessing and we love it so much. Yeah, and in the meet and greets, I would say, now the percentage is growing where people go and I love Dinah, or they come up with a shirt, or they come up saying please say hi to Chris Ferbanks.

Or I am worried about I'm getting a lot of them.

You got one. Worry well on the last one.

You can you can check off the shakes because I got shakes medication.

Yeah, worry, that's one last thing to worry about with Chris.

Yeah, yeah, it's is it pre Parkinson's? Maybe?

No point is I take these pills now, right, It isn't because they said if you're shaking while you're doing something with intent, like while I went to go draw, then I started shaking, that's when you're in trouble. Okay, I'm just in a constant state of shaking. But if I have to grab a scalpel and open someone up, I can make it good.

Still, wait, are you still going to get into brain surgery like you said you own?

It's never too late to get in the game, and I wouldn't mind doing another.

Eight years a school.

I think the brain game is for you, bro.

I excel in the classroom. It's the only place I feel comfortable is during an exams. It never made me sweat and still have fucking nightmares.

Seriously, we actually just talked about that.

How I'm still to this day excited to not have to go to school every day.

Because of school and standardized testing.

I really thought I was an idiot until my you know, third or fourth open mic.

Yeah, and then you just guide. You discovered that you are a secret genius.

Think of things and people like THEMS.

I just don't want to fill things out with a number two pencil. You sons of bitches. Yeah, you needed to go to Montossori School.

Yes, yes, that never backfires.

That's how I learned first through First through three was a monassory based classroom where it was the first, second and third grade combined.

There were no claimed grades.

You just had a color group that you worked in and you walked around this large building.

Was awesome. Sorry, is that I thought it was like a new age new person thing.

Well, it was like at the time, it was just it was new age and hippish because they were basically going up against the standardized system and saying children learn better if.

They don't have all the shit on them.

So like you got you basically had a dot card and I was in say, the yellow group. But it wasn't like you were in third grade, second grade or first grade. It was just whatever you were smart enough to do. And then if you weren't smart, you didn't have to be labeled not smart. You were just fucking in the red group. And it wasn't that big of a deal. So everybody got to work at their own pace, right, and you just had to get a certain amount of dots on your card every day.

And it's only between you and the teacher.

It's between you and the Lord.

Oh God, you got There were no teachers.

It was just God, God and children.

Headphones. He addresses you individually.

I wasn't a cult. This is what I'm actually talking about. I was in a cult from first to third.

Now we're to Heaven's Gate. Purple nikes and bunk.

Beds they were Oh yes, the nikes were purple.

The robes were purple.

It was the pieces of cloth they put over their faces when they died were purple.

Oh wow, yeah, everything I remember such grim things.

Well, they're pretty memorable.

Are you. Yeah. I've asked you this before, but I'm only I'm on the heel.

Last night, I don't know why, but I watched five forensic files and room yes, and they were really good ones. Yeah, some of them are kind of like, oh god, this is so dumb down and boring.

But some of these were really great.

That's all. I watched them. Were on the road.

Which ones did you see? And I'll tell you if I watched them too.

Oh my god, If you can just remember one most memorable, Yeah, this guy just in an apartment complex. His first attempt to get someone off so he could just kill them. For the sake of killing somebody. Was the land the wife of the land lord. Oh, and then and then he finally got his neighbor into the apartment, and he didn't It wasn't even not that raping or something is under like a reason, but he didn't even want to do He just wanted to stab somebody.

Yeah, it's true. He was a true second.

And another one where this girl was it was a real dairy springer thing and he had two girls, uh impregnanty impregnanty two girls at the same time, and so he didn't he didn't really he didn't want to pay for that much oild support. So he killed her with these crazy katana swords. No, and the reenactment, Yeah, the narrator when he always ramps it up and it's more emotional. Yes, And it was I was like grabbing. I had bad dreams. It kind of messed up, and then I woke up

Paddington too.

Electric boogoloo. I didn't know there was Oh, I knew there was a two.

The two is the best one. Okay, you have to.

But but first of all, I don't know why it doesn't affect me like that.

And I think it's just it's like either you're into it or you're not.

Just last night, did usually I put it on like I would Frasier or Choose because it's good background.

Yeah, you know, you can check in whenever. It's not much commitment.

But the one that the one that I watched recently was so graphic. There was did you see the one of the little girl that got attacked by dogs? But they accused the parents of killing her because they kept showing real autopsy photos and it was like I turned the channel, I was like, this is wow. It was like that nineties thing where they everything. It was like anything.

Goes kind of Yeah.

Yeah, it was bad. I it's you know, I can't look at this picture.

Yeah that lovely bones little girl stuff who taps into something for me?

I can't.

The one last night was this guy, hippie musician, neighborhood guy, and this sweet little girl would go to his house because he had a dog, and they're just describing it and I bumm uh, it's terrible. He killed a kid for no reason.

Yeah.

Again, there isn't a good reason.

He spilled.

It's understandable. No, just he just wanted to kill someone. It's so scary, and then it makes me think, oh, there's probably someone like that on my street. Why don't I just put another battery in a luminary because I.

Don't like candles. They're a fire pazard.

That's true.

I have a lot of battery powered lighting room.

Really it sounds trashy, but it looks quite classy.

So sorry.

Luminary is the brand name of the battery.

It specifically, a luminary is anything you put in a paper bag and line your driveway with. And now they have luminaries that require no fire. It's a battery and you turn it on and it's just the moment you turn it on, it's like, okay, I'm on for five hours or whatever.

We what a great luminary.

So it's throughout my apartment. I have little I have an illuminary under a glass skull. I have one in my ironing board thing that I discovered. There was a painted shut door and I opened it and there's like an old timey ironing board with an iron gear that.

Oh, I've had one of those.

I love it. I love my new place.

So you're kind of the creepy hippie guitar.

Player in your neighborhood now with all your candles, Oh yeah, in your candle attitude.

But I don't have anyone over, so that's the difference.

No one's coming up, the one's allowed.

I've made my place look so cool and I haven't shown it.

To anyone, just describing it to people, but anybody love you, Oh.

I shows You're never going to see this, So I'm just going to force you to look at my wallpaper.

So take a good long gander at this.

Why are you walking away?

Oh?

You have something better?

Fine, I'm very I'm very happy at my new place.

That's so good. I'm glad because it's such a change. It's so funny. Los Angeles is very different west side.

And east side.

It's different types of people that live on different ends of the city.

It's like a different lifestyle. So I'm glad that you it's working out.

Yeah. Yeah.

It was like in a kind of retirement area before, like it's laid back and cool and the beach is there. But it's like now I'm around a bunch of creative people and people that are doing stuff.

Food great and I like it. I love it. I love it.

And there's there's there's a pond with little turtles. Did you know they try and make eye contact turtles? Yeah, even these little ones. They I'm telling you. Go to Echo Park Lake, walk around the lake. There's a place where the turtles wait to make eye contact. They what they're not? No one's feeding them. I can't feed them. Someone would stop you. Tiny little turtles have their little heads up and if you walk along, their little heads

But can I just say, and I don't want to argue you, but that's a different looking at you and trying to make eye contact, if you are two different things.

Well, I'm.

Maybe you're right, Maybe they're just like looking at my my body shape or my general presence. But there's a couple of those guys. It really seem like they're trying to zero in on my eyeballs.

They're trying to lock eyes and a meaningful eye contact. Yeah, yeah, just to share a moment.

It's you, like, you do have a point now in that prospect. I feel like maybe they're just.

Looking listen, I celebrate the way you interpret the world.

I'm cynic.

I don't see the romantic side of turtles when I walk by them.

You will if you see these ones I didn't before this.

Are you changed?

Yeah, I'm totally changed.

And I mean now I just take a handful of straws and I throw them in there.

Oh no, yeah, well, I notice how small their nostrils are. It's like those straws going to fit in that turtle's nostril.

And then they suck them right at it, and I'm like.

Whoops, because then that's right. When a store lands, it swallows them into plastic. There's birds, there's like a sanctity, a protected little where people can't go, a little island estuary.

I don't know, oh in the middle of that lake.

Yeah, it's really cool and it's like at the bottom of my little hill.

That's great.

I've never spent any time near Echo Parkake except for to watch people in those duck boats.

Yes, I love that people actually do it.

Yeah I did it the other day, but yeah, I love it.

Just you just went out for and just grabbed it's ten bucks were short shorts.

Yeah, bothered me. I'm just enjoying life.

No one bothered you, except for those turtles that were making passes at you as we walked by.

They'll never see my apartment. I just showed them with full eye contacts, showed them photos of it.

Their eyes are like hypnotizing. You take me there, Chris.

Take me that's wallpaper. It looks like real palm trees.

Let me see the palm trees, Chris.

Yes, they were young English turtles.

All turtles are from Mary Poppin.

They're all proper Greece. Make time. That's all I want from a turtle.

Have you gone to and you maybe maybe you already have in the past.

Have you gone to Cafe Tropicow.

No, but I I know where it is and I it's still I haven't gone as far as even past. I haven't gone past Echo the Echoplex yet. I'm just in my little area. I have like a neighborhood where I'm like, anything I need, I just can walk around.

It's my car in the garage for days.

Well just if you ever need it or what. But you don't really eat like this. But but the Caffee Tropical has amazing coffee. They automatically put milk in it though, which I don't know if you can do sure, But they also have the guava pastry that is the best thing you could ever have or eat with like coffee. Okay, it's so delicious, But you're not.

You know what I'm changing. The other day I went that bottom of my street. There's a deli. I just got a donut. I've never chosen to purchase a donut in my whole life.

Amazing, And I'm like, you know what, I'm gonna have a donut and I loved it.

They're really good. Yeah, donuts are great. Wait, so you're the I think you're the person there. I know a couple of people like this, but just discovered. Notice you're the person that's from Soviet Russia. Right, you've never had a donut before? No, you don't care about sweets at.

All, Right, I think that I'm the grim way of looking at it is.

I get my sweets from having booze, and lately I haven't been drinking as much, so you need to sweet like kind of I've been going to the grocery staring, getting like a sneakers ice cream bars.

Hell yeah those are good.

Yeah, but also no more than that.

I think I just grew up not we.

Didn't have sweets, sugar, sugar cereals or anything with a foil wrapper in the box.

It's like, what is that.

I'd see it at a friend's house and then it would end up in my mouth and I'd almost explode because it's like.

What is this? It's the best thing of all you only have cris picks.

Wait, have I told you the story of my dad trying pop talks for the first time, because you know, so he was a fireman in San Francisco. He got a job, my uncle Steve died, and my uncle Steve worked at the mariners Union, which is basically like, oh sorry, the Purser's Union in San Francisco, which is like if you were if you worked on cruise ships of any kind and you were a purser.

Obviously they had their own union and my dad purser.

I don't remember.

The pursers are the guys on cruise ships that take your bags.

It was gopher's job.

But sure, sure, sure a lot of people.

Yeah, yeah, So my dad was one before he was a fireman when he was in his twenties. That's how my parents met. My dad was a person. My mom was a nurse on Princess cruises right next on Lifetime television. So so my dad took this job after my uncle Steve died and didn't have they didn't have someone.

To work there.

Oh wow, because it was really easy. He already knew the business that it was his brother. No, we were not related to them. They were ourn extraor neighbors.

Oh did you just call them uncle Steveh? Yeah, you know what, every time you mentioned him, I really thought he was a real.

Never bet and my aunt Jean isn't my real aunt, but they are because we spent every single holiday with Sure, sure and so, but just not blood related. So it was the first time my dad ever had an office job because he'd only ever been a fireman.

Yea.

So one day my uncle Brandy who he worked there with, came out and he was eating a pop tart that he had just pulled out of the toaster. And my dad sees him and goes, oh, oh, I bet they're good, like that is that good? And my uncle Brandy goes, what do you mean and he goes, oh, I've just been eating them out of the bag. And my dad didn't know what. He just was eating pop tarts and he's like, I thought they were a kind of stiff.

It's almost so great. It's like eating cookie dough but not that good.

Yes, So he was just eating them raw, and my and like basically discovered them, thinking my uncle was doing this amazing trick by actually putting a pop tart in the toaster.

Yeah, well they I yeah, I think I'm I had the same experience. I think I wasn't that impressed them because it's just out of a bag. Whenever I was at someone's house and I was sneaking one into my mouth, I never I thought it was a fancy toaster strudle thing yet bacon and then put frosting on it and it's like, oh, you know, flaky crust.

I don't need it.

Those are the greatest they were basically someone went, everybody likes pop tarts, how do we make him better?

Fucking toaster?

Shoh? Whoa that guy was, what a what an ass?

The eclipse is really trying to make his way up Chandler or whatever street we're on.

Vine lunch, what I we?

I come here to talk about your tweets from years ago. One time there was an eclipse and you put a picture of an eclipse described this.

Tweet, Oh remember not to look directly at the eclipse. And then it was a picture of Yeah, the Mitsubishi eclipse one of my favorites, very enjoyable, and I think I picked one that was kind of weirdly orange. Yeah, yeah, nineties.

It was just an ugly older eclipse, perfect.

Perfect than you because some of them, you know, the clips made some nice versions.

Maybe it would catch your eye maybe, but don't look at it. No, you'll go blind.

Yeah right, it goes right, pierces your pupils. It's true though, like when everyone was making light boxes and Trump looked right at it.

Of course.

Yes.

A friend of mine also was like, oh and he looked up for a minute just to because he had made a light box or a pinhole box or whatever, and he said immediately felt like there was damage, Like it's I don't I don't quite understand it. But it's not the same as just simply looking at the sun. No, it is not, because I've looked at the sun before him, like big deal.

Right when I was little, I distinctly remember one carpool ride home where everyone else in the car was kind of and doing a bunch of different shit, and I was like, I'm going to see if I can stare at the sun for a little while, and fucking like tried to power through staring at the sun and I gave up after like fifteen seconds.

But well, if you're a kid that doesn't have a lot of other kids in the neighborhood and considers a cardboard box a toy. When I was little, something that fascinated me was looking up at the sun and then looking elsewhere in the sky and there's these tracers, yes, and oftentimes or you rub your eyes.

That was a fun toy.

Yeah, rub your eyes and then close them, and then there's little worms that followed the direction you look.

Yes, so you're looking. This is fun.

You can have just what the back of your eyelids rub them. And then first of all, while you're rubbing them, there's all these starbursts and doughnut shapes, and there's.

Purples and amazing and like I it's acid for kids, sure, And then and then you and then you follow these well.

The sun makes the perfect thing that where it burns in your eyes because it literally is burning, that's right. And then you can follow it around this image for four or five hours, so.

You're looking you're almost looking at your own eyes really, because you have to do it against an all white background like yes, but the other another part of the sky or at a wall.

Eyeballs worked that way, it has to be a projection of an upside down tree drawing that then gets flipped.

Like a projector on the back of your eyeball.

The message then goes from the corner iris optic nerve sends it.

To your brain.

Then your co clear implants tell you and you can hear it that this is a tree.

Right.

What about those rods and cones? Are they doing it?

They are firing.

Cones, yes, but the rod rods things take they take every other week off fires more rods are cone? Laws are cones? Please lens crafters if you work there, please let us know it's.

Anyone that sells frames for a living.

Tell us tell us the work, yes, yes.

And if you work in a hat store, we have some questions about brains.

Hey, anyone that works at lids?

Can you tell me why that guy a psychology number? In psychology where they teach you about the guy who got a fencing EPI, I think they're called Phineas Yes.

Yeah, the thing went up his nose and I'm a better person.

Yes, I think it launched. If it's not the same person.

It's not because he got a railroad tie, right, Phineas Gage was the railroad.

Yeah, he was like pounding it with it and it shot up through his gin out. And this psychology is a class that I paid attention to. It took notes, and I got like a d. And we think I's dumb. Biology and psychology are difficult one oh one classes in college.

I felt dumb because of them. Okay, and you're agreeing that you are.

Domb Okay, I see why they get you.

I really tried and I was interested.

But Phineas Gage, I believe it hit part of his brain, maybe frontal lobe that made him more chill. Yeah, and people liked it. He's like it used to be a real asshole. I kind of like this lazy eye friendly version of him.

Yeah, and it's really a huge It takes a lot of humility to get a railroad spike in your brain.

Yeah, yeah, you really. It really reassesses things for you.

Right, Maybe it was just humbling and it didn't really They put all this emphasis on the brain damage, but it was just like, you know what, I'm going to be nicer.

That was scary.

Yeah, I did something stupid and I really was at fault there.

That was a mistake, So I'm embarrassed.

What's this other guy?

It's just a different one where he got a fencing sword up his nose and it touched this part of his brain where then every time someone walked in the room.

It was a new experience.

So his wife would say, come and visit him, Hello, how are you. I'm gonna go out of the room to put water in these flowers, comes back in, Hey, Hi, when did you get here?

Oh my god? You can get a sword in your eye and become ground on day.

Yeah, because they apparently it was like that's how they learned which part of your brain keeps short term memory and long term memory from if I'm if I'm long term memory this correctly, which there's such a high chance I'm not. But I think that's what that that fencing sword one was. Anyway, I was interested in all that shit. But they still don't know anything about the human brain. So why not have a hat store cashier get in charge of it?

Yeah, because he'll probably remember things I didn't from college where he clearly dropped out.

I mean, come on, he's managing a Lidds and Glenndale.

I mean, come on, this makes a lot of money.

Yeah.

Yeah, let's say you know a good insurance plan. Lyds is a great company.

Thank you for lidd my favorite. I took a picture of that, like, ow, there's a Z?

Is it a Z?

Yes? I believe it is.

I think they're the one on the first that made a word cool with a Z at the end.

That's right.

And the last time I was there, it was a Christmas time about two years ago. They had because they do embroidery, like custom embroidery there and the last design that.

They had marshals sorry sorry, the last hat that they had embroidered.

The design was still up on the machine and it said young Soul King on it. Wow, somebody got a hat that said young Soul King and I took a picture. I was like, the one was just here and I missed him.

Yeah, he had to be like a freestyle jazz rapper.

I hope, so he must. He had to have been.

Speaking of dead people.

Died, I think so once in the shining and then again it realized both because of a chest axe.

No, I you know, I'm not a ghost person.

Pardon me, yes, And yeah, maybe i'd it felt or acknowledged certain feelings after you know, a close friend or mom dies or something, and that's as spiritual as I get.

Okay, but my apartment, and I'm not this is serious business. There's been noises just in the kitchen, but it's annoying. Things like I had my painting stick for the roller set up by the counter, leaning against it and it fell over. I'm like, okay, so it fell its slids parallel to the counter, no pointing away from the counter.

So something little things like that, like how would it fall like that? You know? And then I was taping doing edging painting my kitchen. What looks great, by the way.

We'll never know.

I'm glad I went barn red. I'll show you a photo and get the fuck out of my place. I sat down the tape. I'd done it, and I didn't have to look around to be like, where the hell did I put that?

Type?

I know I put it on the counter. Yeah, it was blue masking tape. I was on a ladder. It's not like a reach too far. It wasn't there. I moved a bowl, there was some tools and screws. I couldn't find it. So I immediately felt an eerie miss and I've heard about objects disappearing. So I went outside and I was like before I went outside, I said, please, can I have the tape back? I'm trying to make this place look nice. And I went outside and I came back and it was on the counter. No, it

I'm like, this isn't happening again.

I was expecting it because I was like here are some tiny parts. This can't disappear. Two brackets for the current rod and the screws. Put up one bracket, look down the other one's gone. And then I found it not in the same place on the floor. So it's like, well, maybe it did fall and I didn't hear it. Maybe I'm being weird and paranoid, right, And then I'm a drill bit. But there's a drill bit, and I'm all

And then but then I found that.

I started getting very upset because it's that drives you crazy. I'm like, why are you hiding things? I need these things and you can't be here anymore. Sorry, things didn't work out for you, you little dead shit.

And then but then I found.

The drill bit in my pocket, so I had to be like, I'm sorry that actually was me.

Sorry that last was my last one was on me.

I'm sorry that I blame that on you, really, and thank you for putting the tape back, But I I don't know what else to do. I burned some incense, and it seems to be okay. The last few days.

You keep saying you burn incense, But I think what you need to do is you yeah, is that what you burn?

Well, let's sage. That's the flavor of incense.

Oh, I think you need the real deal. It's the leaves. It's the spirituality.

Okay, telling you, yeah, you got to get the real deal.

Do you want to solve it?

It's a difference between banana flavored something in a banana. Do you know what I mean?

Right?

Right, it's the same. You can't just say no, I got smell.

I got a handful of banana runs.

Yeah, and I threw them at a grill, wadded them away.

How dare you? How dare you.

Threw his ship? Yeah? I gotta, I gotta. I don't know.

Or maybe the tape, what's the one where it's like I was freaking out. That scared me and so I think I'm just spooped, And now everything seemed like.

Right, who you want to keep track of it and see what the fuck is actually going on?

But I know that the rest of my it's just the kitchen. The rest of my house seems fine. Any noises are only in the kitchen. So it's like I've just been paying attention to the kitchen, trying to make it look better. I ain't still need to have a house warming part. It's taken a while for it to warm up. There's so much to do. And but I'm I'm getting.

Close well, and if the ghosts are working against you, it's going to take you even longer.

So you got to get that sage.

No, it was like I have to go to a store and buy a new bracket, like it's a it's a curtain rod kit It's not like I'm going to find a white single.

Yeah.

Yeah, it was really frustrating. And then finally, but I deplead with ghost boy. I'm assuming he's the kid that cuts the Norman Herman munster in the Ankle and Pet Cemetery, that kind of a dead kid. But he's just said I got the Dennis the Menace.

He one right. It was like, I'm gonna hide stuff I want to play. It has fangs. He jumps on your back. Oh my god, I'm fucking kidding.

Suddenly everyone have to fangs all of a sudden.

It's a new thing with these kids.

Oh but I'm I'm other than that, other than the ghosts and the criminals in my neigh rood.

I love it.

That's great. Yeah, that's exciting. It is exciting, and it's central.

That's really that's a really the thing of being central for socializing is really makes a huge day.

And being near downtown, I feel like, Oh I'm in a city because I'm go to the gymnasium downtown.

I'm real close to downtown.

I might be able to start taking the damn our LA's limited public transit. Yeah, you know there's a fast train that goes to the beach train. I got a ticket and we can go away.

At all. I gotta take it. We could go wait, hey, all make a deal.

Yeah, let's go away. It would be much better. We'll get away from this place. That is how it goes, get away to that place. Me and myself forgot nothing to lose.

This is your karaoke song? This is it? Now? When you do karaoke, what normally is your song?

Oh?

Man, I mean I have a feeling that the songs I'm good at are songs that people sing often. Yes, because I moved to LA and then everyone's like, oh god, another guy. But I'm very good at songs that no one wants to hear, like what all the Scenes from an Italian Restaurant by Billy Joel.

I'm very good at it.

Let's hear what's a little I do?

I'm no one, no one wants to hear, and I feel like I got It's got to be strangers. It's got to be a microphone. I cannot sing to a friend in a car.

Yeah that makes sense and also some drinks maybe, yes, But it's way scarier than doing stand up to me because it's not what I do.

So it's like every time I do it, it's been a year and I'm rusty, so now to be kind of cool, I sing really idle because I can emulate his voice.

I feel like you've got to sing someone that you sound like.

Sorry, it's been a year since you sang scenes from an Italian restaurant.

It's been a years since I've done karaoke. I've even showed up to do it, and I'm like, that list is too long. They don't have my songs. Sitting this one out, I don't settle you storm out pouting.

Oh, I'd sing these arms of mine bi otis redding and I did.

Okay, oh yeah, I just like, yeah, he's so good and that song. Me and my friends always imagine that song, and there is always this vision my friend Matt, where that song is playing as we launch off Thumb and Louise off the edge of a cliff. He actually made a stained glass window.

But of the two of you doing it, Yeah, just a.

Car, but it could have been anyone from our group of friends launching off a cliffs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's a yeah. It was one of our little memory like having a tall, four story tanning tower that we would all tann in. It doesn't make sense now, but it's something we would reference.

Got it, And that's but that's not part of the song.

No, no, no, no god, it's just you know, I.

Just fun ideas.

Yes, yes, this is what boys talk about all by themselves.

Yeah, and you're seventeen right, when we're rich, one day, we're going to build a tower specifically for tanning.

A boy's dream.

Yes, yes, I just want to be tanner than I am right now, but artificially right, Yeah, yes, I wanted to.

I've never have you done that kind of tanning?

I went, no, I got spray tan once and they added there was a stencil that gave me abs. Thought it was fair of I was being a Jersey shore guy in reviewing people and they it worked and I looked like one and they were going to beat me up. Someone threw a bottle at me. I was like, this is a popular show. Everyone hates this guy. But yeah, I got super spray tand.

For that nice and I had a graphic tea. But I haven't since.

I think I've only ever used self tanner when I lived in Sacramento and it was so hot that I would have to wear shorts, but I was so pale that it was humiliating and my legs were light blue, and so I would try to buy, like really at the time, fancy Clarence self tanner, which was expensive, but it just looked like I put orange dye on my legs badly, like extreamy streaky.

It was terrible.

Yeah, I.

Used some of my sisters tinted New Tradina face. It's just regular face lotion. There's some SPF in it, but it's got brown color paint in it on your face. I put it on my head because it man should look like that you're having a summer, right and then I you it was like a prompt. Oh god, it was like a formal event, I think a dance at school.

And I was so embarrassed.

I bought my shirt and there was brown makeup on the inside of my collar and everyone pointed and laughed and said, haha, Chris, were's foundation.

And you didn't even really realize it because you were you got tricked by your sister's moisturize.

I well, that was at a point where I was in pretty deep and I maybe had bought myself or my mom got it for me, but it's what I like.

Oh, it's what you preferred. Did you have acne? No?

No, just you know, lived in a place where winter lasted half the year.

Yeah, so you liked a tam look.

And and uh, you know, it's nicety even out when you have a goggle tan.

No one wants that raccoon guy. He's got to dance with him. Oh right. All I wanted to.

Do is dance, and all girls want to do is dance with guys that were a foundation. So when you got in there, they were like, I want to feel like he with somebody.

I just want to feel like somebody. It doesn't I want to be in a warm place with a human Uh.

Andy, I think it was Andy Killer.

Somebody said that they were writing in a car with the hilarious comedian Ed Krasnik, and the Whitney Houston song how Will I Know?

Came on and it was the end where she just goes how well I know? How well I know?

Over and over and Ed lean Ford goes You'll know, Whitney You'll know?

The radio done? Right?

Oh yeah, that was quite a ride, Yeah it was.

Is there any anything we haven't covered that's timely?

Right? Yeah? This is I'm going to be.

Boy comedy places.

Yeah, I'm about too. If this is Monday, I'll be going to Winnipeg. Two rumors, Oh.

Canada before Chris in the province, not Providence, No, not the providence, Province of Manitoba.

That's right, yeat Winnipeg, Manitoba.

Yeah, it's going to be great.

It's a club that I've only heard is great from John Dora, a guy I think is great. He is great at a time of the year where the place is great because it's not winter and it gets pretty cold there, I think.

But right now it's going to be beautiful.

Isn't I feel like Winnipeg, because there's a really great Winnipeg comedy festival that Kevin McDonald from The Kids in the Hall help helps put on a rear. Oh okay, and I think we did it. When you're in it's perfectly sized. It's a little on the smaller side, but like is it a perfect Maybe?

Maybe.

But when I was there, I learned that Winnipeg is there's one street corner there that's the coldest street corner in the world because the windshill factor is so out of control that it's like colder than anywhere else in the world or something like that.

Oh wow.

Yeah, everyone was talking about that there, or when I say I'm going there, everyone's like, oh boy, because they're thinking about a super windy blas street cold.

Day, right, they're thinking December.

Yeah.

Yeah, but hey, there's a lot of places where the entire East Coast sucks during that time.

Yeah. Winter's harsh and hard.

Yeah, and it's the reason that a lot of homesteaders died in the turn of the last century.

Is that true?

Oh? Sure, frozen people, They.

Just froze right up. Jesus just came right up my head. Yeah, and it's on my own street.

Yeah, I'm not really sure. I don't Yeah, is this a hit? Are we about to? Is this guy doing a hit?

P Let's just freeze in place and see.

Yeah, you think where you're approaching a dead end street, it's safe to assume that person maybe lives on it, and you shouldn't ride their ass because now we know where you live.

Motherfucker. That's right. Yeah, that's right.

Well, let's get out and kick some ass right now.

Yeah, I've always wanted to get in a fight with you. Let's fight another two people.

Yeah. I feel like that's the natural progression of any podcasts hosting situation.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's been a while since we tasseled with a guy with a U lock.

How about we just pet this kitty instead?

Okay, there's a cat, you dumb ass.

Yeah, I'll be in Winnipeg. That's about it.

Okay, cool, And we have merch If you want to do you need a ride shirt, you can buy one.

I've been because someone asked about that, and it's like, wait, go to the exactly right dot com to the merch.

Section, exactly right, yes dot com?

Oh yeah, and will see you.

Soon, right, yes, good to see your friend.

Good to see you too.

You've been listening to Do you need to ride? D Y n A R?

Are you leaving?

I you wanna way back home?

Either way we want to be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim.

I give us time and they turning on and gage.

We want to send you off in style. Do you want to welcome you back home? Tell us all about it?

We scared her? Was it fine?

Mal porn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need a ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need.

With Karen and cress

Mm hmm