Flashback: In the Car with Martha Kelly

Are you leaving on? You wanna way back home?

Either way, we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim, and give us.

Time and a termino and gay.

We want to send you off in style.

Do you wanna welcome you back home? Tell us all about it? We scared her? Was it fine? Malcorn?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride?

Do with Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need a ride? This is Chris Fairbanks and this is Karen Kilgareth.

I swear it's me, even though I sound like a dusty cowboy.

You sound like a cold commercial. If you audition for a cold commercial right now, you get it?

Oh coffee aching stuffy had fever.

I wish I could rest medisone?

Thank you, mister Fairfield, Thank you Fairbanks.

Yes, that was a great performance. Could you do it again and just dial it down a little bit?

Oh oh god, how's that perfect?

Thank you?

Thank you, thank you.

We'll call your man the agent manager.

I am a free agent.

Oh I take my own calls on baseball only or all comedy as well.

I just alt comedy.

I just love comedy.

I was up late, and I guess I was screaming and forgot.

I don't know why I.

Sounded like Nick Nolty a joke by Martha Kelly, who's.

Going to be our guest?

Oh nice, you burn up a little harmitial as an intro.

Well, I knew she wasn't going to do it. She said when I moved.

Her joke was when I moved to Texas, I saw myself becoming a new person. I just didn't realize that person might be Nick Nolan because she.

Said she was drinking and smoking a lot.

Since I moved to oscon Al, I've been doing is drinking and smoking.

That's what I ruined the joke.

It's such a good joke either way, you can't ruin that joke.

I'm so excited for her to be in the car. Within we can talk about her while she's here.

Okay, right, everybody, get your orders ready? Oh yes, yes, tro cold brew.

We'll be back in a minute. Right now, we're going to order Starbucks. Oh sure, I interat we interrupted each other.

Where'd you get the sunglasses?

Amazon?

Amazing?

They really put me in a good mood when wearing them. Don't wear them more.

Maybe let's use them when we need them, like on who wants to be a millionaire?

Right?

Don't burn them up early?

Your phone and glass?

It makes me feel like there's a friend on the phone wearing these glasses.

Do people drink coffee?

That's okay? Can I get a Venti iced coffee? What do you want?

I'll have Grandee ice coffee, nothing in it, and also sorry, Grande iced coffee, Stephen vent.

I'll do Grande Vanila ice okay, first.

Day of the summer and a Grande Vanilla latte iceed?

Please?

Is there anything in those ice coffees?

No? But they're both clean.

Maybe else?

That's all? Okay? Why are you mad at me? It always goes wrong?

What happened to us?

There's one guy that works here that I'm pretty sure doesn't like.

Me, really, just by his voice, the voice.

The vibe when I get up to the window every time, I feel coldness.

Sometimes though, in a drive through situation, once you're in front of them and you see their face and all balance is out because he sounds like a jerk, and then you see him and he's like, hey, happy face.

True, that's true.

But I've gone through this once before with this guy and it didn't happen that way.

It felt like I owed him fifty dollars.

Huh. I don't like it when people treat you like you owe money.

It could be my projection. You know. I've been listening to a lot of you know, Ram Das has a podcast.

I'm going I'm going to listen to it.

There's a podcast called be Here Now, and it's just all his old speeches from the seventies to like through the two thousands or nineties or whatever. And it's so good because all it is is like, yeah, everyone's just tripping out and thinking everything's real and nothing's real. Oh, it's like a thousand different ways of saying that.

It's very cool.

I want Yeah, would that Would it make me feel good? Or would I start to feel like life it's worthless? No?

No, you feel good because it's that the point of life is not to suffer.

Your going to suffer, that's automatic.

The point of life is letting go and trying to cause less negative shit in the world and instead help.

But at the same time reminding me I will suffer.

Well, that's inevitable. I don't have to be reminded because it's probably already had should.

Not always be thinking that anyway.

No, it's just gonna happen. You don't have to think that happens.

But right when I wake up is what I should be thinking.

Now, Okay, you already are.

Okay, I'm suffering.

Now you're suffering, and the goal is to try to stop.

Are other people suffering at my hands?

Stephen's suffering because of this conversation, that's for sure.

Let's happy glass them.

These are literally rose colored lenses.

They're bright red lenses. They are so nice to look through the sky.

Is I mean, I don't want to describe my acid trip right now, but these glasses are It's it's a.

Excuse me, really love it?

Excuse me? While I kissed the sky? Can I have my son? My? O? What is it about these?

They make the the sky is lavender? It turns the sky lavender and everything else pink? Yeah, and then your whole like it feels like the same feeling as eating with sobby.

Can I have my purse?

So I need that?

It's it's the Starbucks card. Oh, yes, that our friend gave us. And I believe Pittsburgh. But now I can't remember.

So last night, I uh went to a I was invited to a house party, okay, and I knew nothing about it. My friend just said, yeah, there's food, and it's in the hills behind UCB. And so it was this just beautiful house with a pool and a bunch of people. I just knew two people there, my buddy Chadwick, who used to put on shows and we're pretty close.

But I didn't know anyone else there.

And then gradually throughout the night everyone was a beautiful person. I'm like, I guess it was my first reminder of what it's like to be in a Hollywood party, but they were my age.

Just everyone was gorgeous.

Yeah, and everyone hi, no, that's okay. I'm not sure how much are all music? Cards?

And everyone at this party was super friendly.

Oh okay, I'm gonna start over. I will thank you. Look, you knew I was driving through the whole time.

I'd forgot. I give you the total in that card.

Oh, thank you, coffee, thank you. That one's mine, right, I'll put that on the door. Then oh, everyone gets a straw, thank you, that's yours. Stephen, thank you. Color not even close. Hong Kong. Okay, sorry you were out. The beautiful people were at the party I was. It was clearly not a comedy party.

It wasn't, although some people knew about comedy. And the guy that lived there had done some commercial acting, and I recognized him as a Mazarro looking who's that actor that was in company of men?

Oh?

The guy with Aaron a beautiful face.

Aaron beautiful face. So he was a beautiful man, buddy. It was just like, I get uncomfortable when everyone around me is like a model and a model. Yeah, and then I get even more uncomfortable when they're coming up. I might okay, scientology is happening or something, because everyone was saying, hey, how were you?

They were all being really nice and welcoming.

To me, and then everyone watching, No friendly people, beautiful people. Numbers are dwindling. No, it's getting down to a musical chair situation. Are they going to lay down a tarpause it's going to be an orgy?

Is this another one of your orgy mistakes?

Am I going to be asked to leave when said or just starts? Which happened at a lobster bake. It turned into an orgy. I didn't want to see anyone naked, but I did. My feelings were hurt when because I was alone, I didn't have a partner to share.

I was asked to leave. Yes, but I'm like, can I watch just as a scientist?

You know, unless you put this clinique jack Jon, I have a clipboard?

May I watch your organ please?

May I just comment and tap the pen against my mouth every once in a while.

So these women were going, can I getting your contact your Instagram?

Or I'm like, okay, maybe it's a networking thing.

I don't I'm too old for Why is this woman asking for my information? I finally just asked a girl there, I'm like, why is everyone here beautiful?

What is this?

And she said, oh, we were sent here by a millionaire matchmaker. They were at a party to meet rich men, and they were confusing me.

For a rich man.

What, yes, are you serious?

Happened?

Chris? You have to call all of these women, call them all.

It would sounds expensive.

But look, what they want at the end of the day is security and love. It doesn't mean dollar dollar dollar bills. It doesn't have to.

Once once I heard millionaire matchmaker, I was like, okay, I don't buy it. And then and then someone said, yes, that guy was on the Bachelor, this guy, there's a scene, there's a reality slash.

Let's marry rich people.

I'm not saying it's a prostitution or anything, of course not.

It's like, hey, let's all put these people in the same place.

Sure, it's fine. Yes, you're not calling the cops or being an arc.

No at all.

But it was I'm really I'm glad that I have that story and that I've told it.

Chris, you have to call those women. You have to get in contact and say, hey, I know that you think, you think you know what you need. But I'm Chris Fairbanks, and I'm here to say, you know what are you wrap? They're your white wrap.

That you like to do, and I'm here to.

Say I'm in love with you in a major way. Isn't that what you want? At the end of the day, that was good.

You had a girl, though, and then all of a sudden it didn't run. Oh I don't want to be a stickler.

Look, I was doing more of Bobby Brown into flood wrap right right place the word girl in.

All right, it's your prerogative to do so.

Look, she's your TENDERNI you know it. I know it. Did you ever say that, yes is a song and put it on and get sued It'll be worth it. Yes, you don't know that song.

I hate that word.

Sorry, we have this, Sorry, we have a cat and a pause for gas for gas. I love that all of a sudden that we were surrounded by baby skateboarders. Yea favorite.

Look at that.

It reminds me. That's why I love that mid nineties movie so much. It's just my That's what I did. I would go with my friends and we'd skate at gas stations.

Because it's a little bump.

Also because the curbs always had metal on the edges so you could grind on it. Oh okay, and those kids and then Stephen was taking their picture, and it's so you're like, a, yeah, so Stephen was taking the pictures of those skater kids.

Can I help you with them? Mike? I think you're good. When that was the best that was ended, Mike Lapel, I've ever seen.

One handed Lapel snatch. Okay, but you were saying they were actually good.

It's just it's no, no, they were. They were just cute kids.

And I'm nostalgic, but once Steven's taking a photo of him, I understand why he felt uncomfortable in that against me, because you're not supposed to.

It's okay if I do it, though, because I'm like the old gal guests.

I was at the Venice skate park a few years ago and some guy with a nice camera was just taking pictures of kids skateboarding, which is harmless enough, but he was hiding the camera under a jacket ew and he was just taking pictures of a couple young kids. Yes, so I kind of noticed it was happening and I but it wasn't registering. Then all of a sudden, one of the dads of one of the kids got in this guy's face and I think he grabbed the camera

Reacting appropriately. Appropriately he was or not.

He probably was, because if the camera was not under a jacket, it would be a different story. And if the guy was like, I'm doing this thing, is it okay?

You can't just go take pictures of jar.

I couldn't tell. How much did I tell you about the I'm in Austin. Some guy pulled up. I was skateboarding. It's some guy in a classic white window liss Van so I thought he's a delivery man or something. He pulled over and said, hey, man, I am doing a photo book about different athletes and there and it's like a body book.

I can I see your abs?

No, I'm like, how old were you?

I was in my mid twenties. I'm like I don't sure.

And I pulled up my shirt and he took a picture and then he just kind of smiled and I was like hey, and they drove off.

So he got a free he had.

He got a freebie.

He's a he's a ab snapshot bandit and the jokes on him.

I never in my life have I had abs. So he was like probably kind of disappointment.

He's like, that's a skateboarder's mid section that seems a little swishy.

Do But you're like, yeah, okay, wait a seconds, just.

Like an eight second delay.

He smiled a little like that. I'm not writing a book. Look at these and have parked in a field somewhere.

That's the thing about That's the thing about perves. They always give themselves away.

Yeah, they can't help but snicker and laugh, yeah, and be creeps.

And curl their lip and have their their brows sweat a little.

Yeah, collect children in a cage underneath the city.

Oohat children, and then take pictures of about a gas station.

Sorry, Stephen, but you're reported to the police. It's such a setup.

I was like, Stephen, casually do this favor for me. It's podcasts related. Therefore you have to.

Say, yeah, yes, yes, next thing I know.

Now I got the goods on you, Stephen. Yeah, you got to watch it. In this town.

Uh, they are not gonna like you specifically in the big House.

You're gonna have to give a lot of a lot of your desserts away.

I feel like Stephen would be just like Paddington do too in the Big House, where he would go in and you'd be so worried for him, But then he'd start recording everybody's podcast and he would become like the jailhouse Accountant where he's actually beloved.

Oh yeah, he'd have the first behind the prison scenes HBO podcast.

Yeah, well, you know there is one jail talk it is. There is one from fucking San Quentin and it's amazing.

Oh wow, yes.

Shit, Stephen, what's it called. We've talked about it on my favorite murder. It's really good.

It's it's god damn it. I can't fucking remember anything or I have to stop eating sugar.

Is that? Do you think it's sugar?

It is absolutely. When I eat sugar and carbs, it's like fog brain. I can't think of anything. It's so bad for your brain.

Really, yeah, it is the name of the podcast.

Oh wow, thank you. That's an interesting name. It makes me want to listen.

You should because it's it's it's inmate hosted and then inmate stories of either how they got there or what they're doing or whatever.

But it's amazing. It's really eye opening. And I think it's co produced. I want to say it's co produced, like by wondering.

I'm not.

I can't remember, but let's not get into more information. I guess yes.

The list of possible information, either.

Produced by Wondery or any other place. There is me own radiotopia, and.

I think I am as interested in prison situations as you are in murders.

I watch all of the documentary.

Is that true?

There's an HBO one lock up ro This guy became a racist murderer in prison. He was put in jail. I can't remember what for attempting to kill someone, and then he became a terrible person in prison. It was just about the criminal he became behind bars, right.

Was it a white supremacist thing or was it a.

CPS blood stick? It was a white supremacist thing.

Yeah.

I think that's very common because you have to join your group to stay alone.

I've in prison and my friend in Austin Vegas, James was from Las Vegas and he was in a lot of punk bands and he was in a band with a guy from dri He was in that scene Jardimbeciles. Yes, the drummer was a drummer in his band and this guy was one of his friends.

Wow.

And he was like and now he's a empty person in prison.

That sucks shit.

And the prison made him that way.

It's yes, and maybe he also had avoid to fill perhaps brain that it was yearning for evil could have been.

Or he just didn't think it through. That's this That's the one that I feel like people never it's like, oh, but you get what you deserve or whatever.

But it's like, but there's people in situations where they don't go, but I'm going to send myself to a living hell. They go, I have to get this thing done. I have to do something about my drugs or yeah, yeah, my money or whatever. Revenge like it's thinking through is never.

A big part of it.

I want to be on one of those shows where I'm like an ex military guy and I yelled at him and I just yell at the prisoners and you didn't.

Think it through. You kind of think things through.

Man, it's an ex military guy and or my mom just think it through. Karen, think it through. I don't know who that character is.

I don't know, but I want to see her played by Maria Bamford on something Think it Through.

There's a little Canadian accent in there. Oh what you think it through?

Where you have you been traveling? Yes? And live? What cities have you been doing. Get so excited because you get to go to actual cities.

I know we've been to Let's see these last two weeks that were back to back, which made it a little a little hard. Was is this my exit?

It is, it's helping, it is kind.

Of was Pittsburgh, two Knights in Pittsburgh, Cincinnati and Napolis. Then we came home for three days.

And then we went out to Kansas City, Kansas City, Devoye and.

Omaha Boo wow.

And when you went to Kansas City, here's a few things I realized the many you get there. If you have sprint, which I do, and I'm going to stop very soon.

I'll tell you about that afterwards.

I'd love to hear about your phone bill.

People know they've Yesterday they called me and said, your your new iPhone's arriving, and then last week your iPad is arriving.

Someone has been buying shit, buying shit through my.

Account and it's because I applied for that fake apartment.

Oh right, yes, I've been having.

Problems yees, identity theft. Anyway, Right when you get to Kansas City, though, they're like, welcome to Kansas City, and our city's free internet, like free WiFi.

Is that true? Yeah, Oh, I didn't even notice.

They just have WiFi in the city. That's so everyone with Sprint. It's because I guess Sprint is based there. And then also that's really smart I did. I did shows and I was wandering around. I didn't know anyone, and people were so friendly. These guys who I thought were going to rough me up were like, hey, you knew to town, and I'm like, oh boy, hey guys. And then they're like, would you like to go to

My mom liked frenetic, flippy too jazz and it made me nervous.

It's nerve wrecking.

Yeah, Like la Howard Kramer says, it makes you want to go run errands, go to the bank, wash my clothes. I don't know that's how that's his jo. I do other people's jokes now, other people's go that's the.

Best way to hear jokes.

Yes, other people interpreting it's me jazz style appreciating.

But it was the best I've never seen jazz like that. It was And apparently there's that. That's part of the history of Kansas City. Is there's a New Orleans jazz thing.

Yeah, they're big. They have their own big jazz jazz barbecue justin Timberlake.

Did you go to the jazz I want to say it was called the Green Door something.

We didn't go anywhere. We went to a sports bar the night we got there because it was the closest thing to the hotel.

Where you're way deep into sports.

Oh my god, whether it's basketball or football, I don't I don't even give a fuck.

Actually, sports people do give a fuck.

Oh they do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, they're into it.

Yeah they really give fucksy that's all they do.

Yeah, no, me too, so much. And what it was was I like TV on super loud while I eat salad. And that's what happens at a sports bar, the loudest TV.

It is important for me on Thanksgiving to have football playing in the background. Yes, it is a festive It adds to the festivities.

Yeah, if I went to my father's house and there wasn't a sport on the television in the background of some kind, it's.

Very bad feeling.

That's something's very off.

But we had a great time, and just speaking of how cool and nice people are.

A couple nights in a row, Vince was like, we got it. You guys got to stop talking to people. We have to move these meet and greets along. Because usually people walk up, they say Hi, They'll say like, here's a book I want you to read, or here's the thing I want you to know.

It's like mostly like a one minute, two minute exchange. Sometimes people be I just want to tell you the story, and then they'll tell some amazing thing. But for the most part, it's pretty fast. We were going so slow in all those cities the last couple of weekends that it's like, dude, you guys there, like one one night, the parking structure across the street was closing.

We took so long, and they're like, we have to move people up in the line who are part across the street.

You guys have to stop talking.

Because every person was like lovely and lovely to talk to and like interesting and had something good to say.

Hey, your people are some of They are coming to my shows now and they're the sweetest.

I love it. I love talking to your fans and our fans. Yeah, they were your, a lot of them. I know when they come up to me.

I can tell sometimes I'm like, you like my favorite murder first, and now you know who I am and you like me.

It makes me feel good.

Yeah, it's well there they started ass MFM listeners. But then I think for a lot of them, they realize, oh, there's this whole world of stuff like this that I can like.

That's for me when they haven't really been exposed to any of that before. Yeah, it's a little more underground.

So they're genuinely enthusiastic to find things that they really like.

Yeah.

I will talk for hours after shows too. These women were at my show and everyone left and I'm just standing in a parking lot because they wanted to talk.

It was fun.

Yes, there was a girl actually looked weird.

I'm not weird.

No, no, I'm not weird, and you're not.

I'm not weird. We're not weird.

None of us are fucking weird.

Some people out there are weird care.

There's definitely weirdos out there. It's not any of us that we're talking about right now. Non there's car There was a girl, a woman i should say, who was in the meet and greet in Omaha, the last city we were just in and we met her, and she was really funny, nervous talking, and then once she got talking, she had like a list she was reading off of she's the things she want us to know, and one of them was she wants Chris Fairbanks to.

Be her husband. And I was like, I will definitely let him.

It was really cute and hilarious and like she just had her list of things of like this is what MFM means to me? Now, I'm I'm meant to do you need a ride? And she had all her things.

I've announced already that I'm a terrible husband. Oh okay, I've never been.

But you don't believe in yourself.

Oh shit, I'm I'm my attention span, you know, like I bailed mint sentence right here.

Sure, Well it's.

An example of who I am in a relationship. I can't even make it to the period.

Well, you're gonna have to get used to some periods.

Oh, are we here?

No, it's that it's the other way. But I couldn't like go all the way across in the left, gotcha, So I'm making a U turn.

I will tell her we are here.

Yeah, we're very close. Oh and now we get to drive around beautiful. Uh you know this area I'm at Washington, let's call it. They look at more skateboard boys.

There are more skater boys. I'm taking more pictures.

They're everywhere. There's like flowers in the springtime.

I used to be like you guys.

My hair was like he wishes he had straight hair so he could have bangs. But it's kind of curly, so it just has a big old fluf.

Yes, it's push it across.

Oh, it's weird. It's weird what we're doing. We're gonna good up, guys.

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Thank you, You're welcome, Karen, thank you. Yeah.

Yeah, I was o leaves leaves swelling spring the middle. I wasn't ready. I mean, the weather's great, but I was having winter fever. I like snow and I like snowboarding, and now it's beautiful out and I feel like I missed out on a season.

I'm the only one that doesn't want spring this from I.

Have to say that.

I'm like you where I like the rain a lot, and I'm sad if it's a rainy night.

You can see in my life. But oh is this? Did she rent some cute house?

Now it's I'm it's on the other side.

It's what a curious.

Yeah, it's being a curious little monster.

How am I supposed to get across cute those are for vacancy.

This is nice.

Oh, someone's giving away antique. Someone got vic anteaking, it's an estate style. Someone got murdered. Come on, Eagle Rock, Come on you guys. It is the coolest name of a part of town.

Eagle Rock.

Come on, those two things together unbelievably rock and roll. I want there to be a mascot that is the rock Eagle.

I think there is a rock that looks like an eagle, and that's why they named it that.

Oh wow, yes, let's go visit it.

We'll have to ask Martha all about it. I must have Margaret. I don't know why I.

Used to call her Martin Martin. I really did, and I was thinking about that today. Okay, yay, we made it.

We did, And we're only thirty minutes late.

That's a nice place.

I like it.

Oh are we super late? It's so hard to work. Hey, at least we're not at the damn airport.

Yeah, she's waited at home, which is great news.

Yes, I'm sure we we if you were attached at all.

So, I think people sometimes, like my mental breakdowns at the airport's at my expense.

That's right.

You can't just do that to yourself for other people's entertainment.

Oh it is Martha, look at her. Oh oh hello Martha.

Oh you can throw that. Yeah back Stevens my friend. Hey good, how are you good?

Goodness?

Here?

Here, grasp my hand. Martha and I are old friends. Did you know that?

I did.

I bet we're going to hear some Austin stories ship Howard and Laura style.

Let's talk about the baggy jeans we bore as We can't armadillos on the train tracks.

I never. I just watched the intro to that show.

I never.

I know there was an armadillo on the train track.

I have to if it's happening in Texas. Martha, how are you?

Martha?

I'm good.

I saw us last night and I'm upset about it. But other than that, I'm pretty good.

It's scary, you really bad.

Yeah, and also I don't totally understand it.

Well that's even Yeah, that's scarier.

I saw your tweet the day before that you were going to see it, and you were pre scared.

Yeah.

I was.

Clenched all the like, my hands and fists and recoiling in my seat the whole movie.

So a lot of tension. Yeah, there's a lot of.

Who's gonna pop out from behind this next thing and whatever is happened it?

Spoiler alert?

Is there a lot of popping? There's a lot of popping of a sudden startling. Well, there is a.

Lot of startling.

And that's maybe the biggest theme in the movie is You're gonna get startled.

Isn't that the motto of the movie. It's pretty you're gonna get You're gonna get startled.

Way I want to see it, Yeah, like getting scared, And that was when I watched that Hereditary movie. I liked how they didn't have any jumpy all of a sudden, like the ring surprise.

The scary thing is leaping in your face.

No, that one was realistic, which was even scarier.

Yeah, it's like in the background, you're like, oh my god, Oh you're seeing what I'm seeing it it's hidden.

Yes, Oh, I don't think I can watch that, you I. It sounds intense. It is terry upsetting.

And I'm not suggesting you should watch it because it's kind of a bummer.

Yes, and it's no good. It's great in a bad way.

It's great in a sad, scary way.

Yeah.

When I was walking to my car last night after the movie, I started thinking.

How do we know for sure that we're not all dead? And in hell, we don't.

There's no way to prove it.

So that that's why I don't think.

I should see scary movies, because that sounds reasonable in my head after.

A scary movie. Yeah.

When I was little, hell was a thing that I was scared of. The devil was a thing I was scared of. I didn't have religious parents, but I thought, at any point, the devil will enter and possess me and I won't have control over it. And I am a grown up now and I don't think that. So when you watch a movie that brings that back, it doesn't feel good.

You know, there's so much Ninety six percent of the ocean is unexplored. The devil could be down there.

The devil is a phosphorus riddled glowfish.

Yeah, we don't know. With horn hands, it could be anywhere.

Anything's possible, and there's nothing that lets you know that more than a horror a horror movie.

But I have a proposition, what if in the ocean there are pockets of it that are like with little things that are cute like the lorax, really sweet, cute, wise creatures that are just avoiding us because they've seen what we're capable of, right.

I think, Yeah, they call those dolphins.

And they're tired of getting boat props to the back.

Yeah, they're sick of all of it. I don't blame them, Horda, How have you are you guys still shooting?

Yeah, we're about we're almost well, we're actually we're only a little bit into the second block, so we're not quite.

How way through? How many blocks are there? Four? Three? Oh?

Like each act? What are blocks?

But I guess they just they use that to mean each section of shooting and then separated by a week of hiatus, like a school semester kind of Yeah, yeah, okay, did you get good grades last semester? Yeah?

How'd you do? Is the show getting good grades?

Well? I that I cannot answer. There's not enough people watching to get a good sample.

We got to get those numbers up.

We've got to somehow figure out how to trick people into watching this show, and I don't know how to do it.

I love that it is the best, It's a lot of people just aren't smart enough for it.

I think I'm afraid I'm going to have to say that sounds like I'm talking down to people.

Well, I think it is intimidating. I mean, it's Baker's Field, clowning, it's all the stuff that really intimidates people.

I love it. I love that show. You guys are the coolest for working on it.

We should take the Ornie Adams philosophy of you know what, they're scared of us. That's why they're not That's why they don't like get They're scared of how good it is.

That's right.

It is scary when something is of such high quality.

Do you guys think it's weird that Ornie Adams just it's still a comic that's like around and you see him all the time.

I don't know who he is.

He was like the villain in the so Yes, he was like the villain in the comedian movie.

Oh, I never watched that. I don't care about comedians. I think they're fucking boring.

You love them?

I want them to shut up.

You want to kiss all the comedians?

I do.

Why are they so funny?

I knew I'd make you admit it. You want to french all the clowns?

Well, you haven't gotten to episode eight yet, have you, Martha?

No, we will.

We shoot everything out of order, so like they just block they book a location and shoot every scene from every episode that's at that location.

What Yeah, oh wow, that's hard.

Like so everything that takes place in a desert situation, we shoot this week this week.

And you're all in the math with the story. Yeah, so are you saying lines? And you're like, I don't even know what I'm talking about.

Right now because the nice, the brilliant thing about the way the my character's written is that it doesn't require any actual acting. So it doesn't it doesn't matter what order we shooting or what's happening.

Is anything that's right?

You get to just be Martha.

Huh. But what but when you are acting, what are the little secrets that you take on stage with you? Martha? Yeah? What are your acting secrets?

One like Dustin Hoffman used to punch his own face?

Yeah did he really?

I don't know. He's very method though.

In The Marathon Man, Dustin Hoffman stayed up for like three days in a row with no sleep, and he jogged constantly and he didn't eat, and he was all screwed up.

And then he showed up on set and he was all like, you know, he was all.

Screwed up, and Laurence Olivier looked at him and said, why don't you try acting?

Yes, yes, I've heard that.

My dad tells that story, so does mine. That's really it's the best.

Yeah, our dad's got the gym's got to get together.

Yeah, they're gonna party. But Martha, like, when you're standing for all the young actors listening and there are so many yes, when you're standing there and they go roll them, what do you do to like keep it together and deliver your comedy?

Pretend you're on James lift In right now.

Yeah, okay, my secrets are I'll just spoiler alert they're dumb and boring, okay, and there's zero evidence that they were.

But here's what I do.

Okay.

I always know my lines before we start plant. That is my only real solid contribution to any project, as I know my lines.

When I get there.

M h.

It's an important.

And and then I'm sorry to say this part because it's gonna ruffle some feathers, but I actually pray right before the camera roll.

It's okay, just who do you pray? To Martha. I don't know.

I just I think of it as a as a energy force, not a deity, and I just ask for whatever is out there to be with me so that whatever I'm supposed to do in the scene will come out naturally, because I really don't ever know what I'm doing.

I still don't.

This character on Baskets is very close to what I'm like in real life, and I still.

Don't know how to do that character. Well, that's the hardest one to do. How can you How can you observe yourself well enough to play yourself? That's hard. I don't know.

But it seems to me like people who can create a believable person nothing like them are doing, are doing a lot more work than what I ever do.

But it's with Zach and John.

And what if you were closing in your your hospitals. I do it too. I talk to a spirit deity.

I mean, it can't hurt, That's how I look at it. It also can't always help, but it can't hurt.

I can talk to a.

Vague cloud or whatever I'm thinking of and not believe in the devil and be scared of devils.

We also pray before we do live shows.

Because we just do the it's basically the same thing of whatever we've just been talking about or whatever's going on, we just didn't know that.

Yeah, we hold hands, fold your hands and say we'd get them.

Yeah.

Or if we're just if we were just talking about Gail King, then we're like, Gail be with us tonight, if you were ever with us at all. Yeah, that kind of stuff, and it helps. It's like weirdly centering of like, yeah, whatever this is, we don't know, we kind of can't control it, so let's do this thing.

And when I'm remember back in Austin Martha we did that weird skeet, that hyper Jackson chamber. Yeah, and it was it was stressful. There was a lot of stuff going on. We did these live shows and we would show these videos that we did and I we would all be nervous and Lee Eddie, who's the best, would grab my.

Hand and we'd have a little prayer. Oh and I'm like, oh that did feel good.

Skateboarders I love.

This is the most religious episode we've ever had. There's more skateboarders.

They're everywhere.

We've been dangerously taking photos of young skater boys Martha.

Well, are you going to post them anywhere? You should join our painterst Martha. I think you'd like it, and I'm excited.

Love, young men, we are all going to jail every time this comes up this episode, I get uncomfortable.

Wait, but I interrupted you, Martha, because you were talking about Zach and Kreisel. What were you going to say?

Well, but before that, real quick, I love when I'm doing stand up before the show starts, to make the other comics on the show if there's three, if it's a three person show, if it's like ten people, I don't harass everyone, sure, but if it's three of us, I love to make everyone uncomfortable by saying, do you guys want to do a good luck handpile?

And then we all pile our hands, one on top of the other. The we did it whatever good luck handpil No was did you do that on your no refunds allowed? What was it? You didn't know that?

It was called no refunds tour which we ended up giving refunds on.

Yeah, yes it was, but you said clearly no refunds and we lied.

But wait, before we go any further, look at this father and son on the bus bench right to your right.

Are you kidding me? The love that those two globs, I don't even know what they are.

It's fatherhood dot com and it has a father and son booger and since he doesn't have arms in the baseball bat they're playing with us just shoved into his gelatinous bot.

That's right. He has to hold it with his abdomen, with the gel of his abdomen. He has to hold that baseball bat.

I don't design billboards well on acid.

Or is that the best father son billboard we've ever seen?

It could be the.

Transcending all cultures, all boundaries.

We used to do the handstack at the beginning of our improv shows and we would say we're gonna suck.

But it still worked.

Sure, it's fun, and I think we might have done it a little on no refunds, which just.

It was.

It was a very poorly planned tour, and I was the one who planned it, and then also the one who canceled the shows that had not sold tickets, more out of a desire not to be demoralized than the money we would have lost, because it wouldn't have been We were like, we went from Texas to North Carolina and back, and so we had to drive back anyway, so it wouldn't have been a ton of money to still do that shows.

But I was like, I cannot. In New Orleans. Our show there were.

Ten people and they were all angry at all of.

Us the whole show because they were drunk.

I think they had been barked in by the door guy. Oh, and they just were not whatever. We all four of us were very different and they were.

Like, no, thank you who was on these comedy concerts that show?

While the all the shows were me, Avery Moore and Pat Dean.

Oh, yeah, they're the best.

They're delightful.

Avery has a tattoo on her arm that says, iri, what does she mean? She's gotten joke tattoos.

She's so funny. I love them and uh.

But then that show there was a there was a New Orleans comic who I can't remember his name now, but he was great and they hated all of us. Wow, And after that I almost was like, let's just go home.

I don't.

I don't have stitutiveness when it comes to really anything of the slightest discouragement, like we should go home.

I know that about you. And I love it, and I'm I'm just happy that you're doing stand up again. It's great. Are you enjoying it?

I do love it.

I want to write new stuff. That's my favorite thing to share.

It feels good to have new jokes and try them and they work and then you that's there's nothing more productive feeling.

Yeah, And it seems like there are some I haven't done very money, but it seems like there's some fun places to do stand up in La nowadays.

I think there are you. Are you done the Lab? I think I saw you at the Lab the last time I saw you just had it.

I think I did you and April show at the Lab one time. That's right, like a year ago.

Long ago was longer than that.

But yeah, let's do shows, Martha. I wanted to be on comedy. It'll be like the old days.

I do too.

It'll be like the early two thousands. I like it. I like it too.

That'd be we'd be a good combination of a show.

You guys, guys, I'm I'm not kidding. I'm where do I sign?

Okay, Well, let's we'll call it two headliners in the middle. I'll be the middle.

Are you going to do stand up too.

That makes me excited too, Yeah, because I need to do it again. I did it my first show and I just cobbled together whatever jokes I could remember. I literally didn't know I was supposed to do. It was a goddamn comedy jam, and I.

Thought, oh, you did do it? Your voice? Did you got sick? Well?

I was hoping I would get sick because I was getting so scared to do it. Of course, and then when I told josh Adammeiers that I thought I was getting sick, he was like, that's okay, I'll sing with you.

He was not letting me get out of it then, right, So so I ended up doing it. But then once I got there, only then did I find out that I.

Was also to do a set. So I was texting Lucy Cooperman, going, can you remember any jokes of.

Mine that's so funny?

And my sister. My sister's like the last timeside you stand up was nineteen ninety eight, talking I.

Wouldn't know either. I'd be like someone trying to get into the bathroom ling the door. That's a ten second joke, and then do your hay ride bit that you don't Remember.

There's no way my jokes aren't like they're not written to be remembered.

I can I can tell as many Martha Kelly jokes as I can tell like Mitch Edberg jokes.

Oh you have a herd set memoriz.

It's just no, it's jokes. You don't even tell anymore.

But when we started everyone's jokes at that time, I mean, give me one.

Let's hear them. Oh no, I did killing Mark to kill you said it? Now you have to do it.

I already did that one. I did your Nick Nolty joke.

Okah, that was a good one.

I'm going to do it better this time. When I moved to Texas, I saw myself becoming a new person. But all I've been doing well here is drinking and smoking. I didn't realize that person would be Nick Nulty.

Is that how it goes is very much in the ball park.

I think I told it better before.

It was definitely tighter before and easier to track.

And Martha was in traffic and the guy looked over and he honked or said, hey, can I get your phone number?

But all he could see was your face.

And then maybe we should go out sometime he asked you out from his car, and then you said, I have a better idea. How about I meet you naked in a shallow grave if you just pushed me in.

Is that, Martha, you did good?

That is a true story. Except for the comeback. All of my early jokes were real things that happened where I pretended I had a good comeback at the time.

SAME's the best.

We are from the same school of comedy.

And the one time I did is set the only time I've ever done a set of the comedy at the Laugh Factory.

I was so nervous to do it. I was like, this is gonna be terrible.

And I got up and the first joke was okay, And then my second joke was a true story of this time. I went to the corner store in San Francisco and I was super stoned, and the guy that worked there.

Goes anything you want to day for free, Jeeps, Coke, Kandy, Sickness magazines, and he was listing all the shit off that for free, and this really happened.

And then of course I did something that was like the comeback, which I of course did not say in real time.

And when I did that, joke at the Laugh Factory, some guy, huge sounding guy in the back goes bullshit like really loud, really, and I go, you're right, sir, and walked off the.

Stakes and I left my set to jokes in and was like, I fucking hate this place and I hate stand up commed bullshit.

Bullshit. I was made up that last part to evoke the emotion of laughter.

That is insane. Why do people go like that go to comedy shows?

I was always assuming it was another comedian.

That makes me. Some might there every once in a while, and I don't see it as much. But there was a Texas there.

There was a whole thing where there'd be some guy with his arms crossed, and Cap City had called him and given him free tickets, and they're like, well, I guess I'll stop yelling at my wife and kids and go that's damn free comedy show. They better not try and make me laugh. It's like the last person that should be there sitting up front. They put him up front. Yeah, yeah, and he just jiggles his leg, tapping his leg with his arms crossed, staring like he wants to kill you.

And that's who. That's who. You'll learn to tell jokes in front of Yeah, in the.

Early days, that's how it was. It's rough.

I love that before Daniel Tosh was famous, he was at cap City and some with that kind of attitude said something that wasn't like a mean heckle, but it was just like, I'm gonna be a smart ass and this He.

Didn't have any like footing.

He was a pretty new headliner at the time, and he just goes, yeah, you gotta get out. I'm not continuing the show until you get out, and you would not, and then they had to leave. I was like that, I wish I could. I wish I had that kind of balls. Yeah, I loved him for I love anytime a comic fights with a heckler and wins, including fistfights.

I've seen what about the one where the guy smashes the guitar over the guy's head.

Okay, that guy, I'm not on his side because it seemed like he was insane.

It seemed like it was about something else for him.

Yeah.

Yeah, you guys saw him coming at me in the crowd just goes no, dude, No, we did not.

Yeah, but one time I saw a guy in the audience throw a drink at Gary Goleman at the improv. Oh shit, And then I started fist fighting. And I've I already liked Gary Goleman, but.

That made me loyal to him for life. I've never met up.

If Gary Goleman came at me with his banana hands curled up into fists and started swinging, I would.

He's a big person.

He's big, right, he is big, But funny.

The thing about guys like the one he fought is that they will heckle guide comedians who are not big and can't really physically defend themselves. And it's just like the jocks in high school picking on the smart guys. Yeah, so to see a comic rise up. And I don't really like violence. I ran and hid in the bathroom when I saw them violence.

I really do.

Do you remember, Martha, When I at the belvide room, I threw a cup of ice on this table of guys that wouldn't stop talking, and it and my cup hit their glasses and their drinks fell. I was really they were being terrible, And then I went outside to talk to them and they were a couple. They were, And then I felt really weird because all of a sudden. I felt like I was in a but they wanted to get in a fight with me as a couple.

Sure, can you imagine being in that situation anyone in this car?

And so we made up and then we went to Love Joyce.

You didn't let us answer because I can.

And then I hung out with them a little.

Friends.

Yeah, yeah, we ended up being friends. And it started with throwing a glass of ice at them.

Well that was unsatisfying because I want violence and ultra violence.

I couldn't cry me.

And they ended up being my friends, but I didn't really like them because they were still the people that hadckled.

Well.

What I like about comedy these days is that you can actually find people that want to watch you specifically. It's not the thing it used to be, where it was like go to a room where people have gathered for their own reasons and some of them have nothing to do with comedy.

Yeah yeah, yeah.

And often it's like I'm on a date and I want to get fucked up. Yeah it's a birthday party or bachelorette party or something horrifying. It's anti comedy, I did.

Or people that work together, yes, when they're like, oh, I sit across from you, and we see each other every day.

But let's be let's not know how to act at Let's all.

Go to a comedy show together and look at each other for approval after each.

Joke and decide we're better than these people.

Yes, it's the worst.

Yeah, I hate all those people. They're the worst, and yet we're here to entertain them.

Remember I did a show once and they made me dress like their boss. It was like around Christmas time.

Can you put on his jacket? And just he had a catchphrase, and I'm like, yes, sure, I'll do an impression of your boss.

The boss had a catch phrase.

Yes they were these are some things. He says, Well, you may roast him a little bit. And I was new it to comedy and I'm like, okay, I will do that. And I put on his jacket and I.

Put my hand in the pocket, and in his pocket there was a pair of underwear, ew women's underwear. And his real wife was at the show, and she knew right away that it was like some secretaries under when reached in and that I was holding underwear, and she's like, you, son of a bitch, And they had like altercation and the boss left and everyone. I ruined the night and it was not my idea.

I disagree. You didn't put those underwear in there. He did. It was panties in his pocket. That's crazy, literally.

And everyone knew and they're like, oh, he's back at it again. Our boss is putting panties in his pocket.

What's his motto? I am a huge sex addict? Is that the line they gave you today? Panties please? What's the motto was?

Bro It didn't make any sense until they were in my hands?

Oh god it he loves panties. Panties.

We hate that word. Let's keep saying it. Anties.

That's crazy.

No, you since these your days in Austin comedy coming up, you're now in movies.

Let's name some of the movies you've been in lately.

That'll be easy because they're hardly been nunny.

Name them.

I've been in a total of four movies, very little, tiny parts.

Right.

One was Spider Man hum Coming.

Yeah that was a while ago.

Yeah, that was the summer of twenty sixteen.

Was one it shot?

Okay, that wasn't that long.

It was almost three years ago. Yeah. Oh what else?

A movie called Infinity Baby where Iman one scene.

Who directed it? Bob By bayer Byerton, Byington.

Bugy Bobby Byington.

Bobby the Director, Bob Robert Bobby barr Byreton.

Bob Bobby, Bob Bobbinson, Big Bob, Big Bugby bar Big Bopper, Robertson.

Mister Bob Doblina, Mister Bob Dobelina, Bob Bob, Bob Bganna Fanna.

Bob Bob Bob Bob Bob Fun. He's a he certainly is of I do like that words infinity baby together. Sure that that is one that will grow up? Yeah?

It is. Yeah, that's fun.

It's actually a bunch of babies that won't grow up, but a failed experiment.

Did you act with a bunch of babies? Did you get to be.

Certainly, I didn't get to. Babies are some of my favorite people, and I did not get to add to any babies. But it was fun. It was with Karen Colkin. Yes, he's amazing. He was very nice and normal.

I always would expect any former child actor to be bonkers.

Yeah, but he was very uh normal, dudes, So did you watch him in succession? Sorry interrupt, I haven't seen that. It's great and he's incredible in it.

He's so good, he's incredible and dangerous lives of altar boys too.

He's just a great I think the Colkin children knew what they were doing when it came to acting.

Yes, all of them.

The key is leaving them at home alone, that's right, and not parenting them.

That's right.

You go on a vacation, leave them be Oh, check out this fucking sweet ass film.

Were you in this?

Mar on getting it?

Do you know.

Certain, ma'am that we have the star of Big Bobby Boverton's lip last film?

Guys, you're gonna want to yell cut here, cut let Martha in.

That's actually how every scene I've been in in a movie was just someone pulling over it and I ran over.

And got the camera, but fully memorized the script. Any script gone into a costume real quick. Delivered that line, jumped in.

We were you in after Infinity? Baby? There's two more movies?

Uh?

Wait?

Are there? Maybe there's only one? Wait?

Oh, one hasn't come out yet, and I don't know what the title will be. And my character's name, I think was caseworker.

I was on a show called Single Parents and my character's name was Man, and I was cut from the episode.

That's the thing I might be cut from the movie hasn't come out. And I know that's a common thing where that you if you're not one of the leads, you can your entire storyline or scenes or whatever.

Can get cut out of anything.

And the more like, just because you filmed it doesn't mean it's happening right, And oftentimes people will go and have a whole experience and do like start writing stand up bits about how they're in this movie, and then when the movie comes out, they're not in them and they didn't know.

Everyone keeps trying to watch Jack Frost to pick me out as a snowboarder, and they're showing me pictures.

As it's you. I can't.

I don't remember who I was. I just know I was there and the camera was I was in the background snowboarding.

I'm not a liar.

Well, but it doesn't seem like you have proof I was.

I'm not in the credits, but I was on camera. The camera was aimed at my general direction. Me too. Oft in the distance. They were making a.

Movie and I was snowboarding that day, and I have to be on camera at some point. Okay, you've beat it out of me. I'm not sure if I'm in the movie.

Technically it looks it seems like we're gonna have to have a screening of Jack Frost.

There is a film, a two thousand and four animated film called.

Oh God, what is it called? It's it's birds, Delivery bird Rio, It's delivery it storks, I can't remember.

Well, then it's called Delivery Birds.

Allegiant Valiant. There's a movie called Valiant, and I am a voice in it. According to IMDb.

Oh and I looked. I don't know where who this Chris Fairbanks is.

It's not Chris Fairbanks, the English actor actor, or Christopher Fairbanks, a.

Local actor who goes by Christopher it is.

It is given to me. I so I pretend that I was in it. And I even have a line in the movie that I've made up.

I've never seen the movie. But do you guys want to hear my line?

Yes? Yes, all deliver it? What kind of bird was that?

I don't know. I never watched the movie. I don't know who I am in it.

But it's about birds that deliver stuff.

It's the cover is birds with aviator like goggles on their house.

Oh like top Gun for birds.

Yes, yes, it is like top Gun. The logo is keep orders.

It's a girl.

Oh well, yeah, I've been really I like how many skateboarder girls there are now, and they're getting really good and it's fun to watch.

And my niece knows how to skateboard. Really, she's she started when she was like seven and she's twelve now. I don't think that she's very passionate about it.

But she does know how to do it.

That's so cool.

I like that Michelle Balloon is having heard her little daughter do skateboarding too.

Yeah, that's good.

I was going to say her name, but we don't want to only show pictures of children reveal their identities. Oh that's weird.

In trouble now, I think we're fine. The law will never catch us.

We are Monnie and Clyde of comedy.

We'll just fucking edited out if they catch us. Exactly, that never happened. I'm sorry, it's not an interest of ours. Looks like a little snip Snipperoo happened?

Copper?

You fool wrong tree? What else, Martha? What else is going on in your private life?

Yeah, private, deepest dark as secrets.

I'm on year four of saying that I'm going to try online dating and not try it, so that's exciting.

Yeah. Can I tell you an anecdote. I just got an email that said, well, come.

Back to Bumble, we miss you, and I was like, I've never been on Bumble, And then I remembered one night after April Orchardson and I talked about it for a really long time and it truly was literally two thirty in the morning I signed up for Bumble, but I had I may have.

Told the story on this podcast. I don't think you have, okay.

I When I signed up for Facebook, originally I entered that my age was one hundred and eleven. So on Bumble they take all your information from Facebook and I couldn't change my age, so they were only sending me mine that were over eighty.

Oh my gosh, that's because they really had me as being a hundred and a lot.

That sounds fun, and they wouldn't let they won't let you change.

Well, I had to go back on to Facebook to change my age.

It was this whole thing that once I started the because then when I went on Facebook to change my age and make it accurate. All these people started sending me messages of like, you're back on Facebook, da da da, like all the people that I used to talk to and hang out with because I'd been off Facebook for since twenty eleven or something.

Right, I noticed when you got back on, but that was.

Purely just to try to make my age accurate for Mumble.

Then I was like, why am I doing any of this. There's no fucking way I'm ever actually using.

Part of you wanted to stop being elderly.

It's true, a big part of you. There's so much of that. That was my whole attitude. And all the digital shit started or I was like, yeah, I'm one hundred and eleven and this is I'm definitely into tulips or whatever, Like I would sign up for shit that I had nothing to do with me.

It was like, you will never catch me, You will never know who I really am the internet. And then I screwed myself basically.

But I don't even know.

If bumble is the desirable because isn't like a Sadie Hawkins dance where it has to ask the guy out.

Right, which I would never do.

I would never do that I've been on it and I've never met a real human but I have had or maybe I have, but I have. It's usually a woman saying hi or whatever it's like, and then you go and it's never like you have to come.

Up with a witty thing.

It's like, Okay, you got me, Hello, you caught me. Usually it's a back and forth on there, right, well, you seem nice. Let's never talk for me ever. Again, that's usually what happens.

Because I wonder.

I feel like there's some people know, there's some there's a code of some kind, there's some kind of thing where like I don't know, then you're supposed to know, or saying.

Well I don't know it, yeah, I don't need it.

Maybe there's a maybe we could google that. We'll look at codes bumble code online.

If you wear a green kerchief, that means that you like money.

If you hang a necktie on the doorknob, that means you have a roommate that.

You're that you're messaging on bumble.

Well, Martha, if you could go on a digital dating app, what would the best one for you be?

I think that for people for women my age, I'm fifty one.

And very sheltered, it's a beautiful house.

Probably probably match dot com because that's what I think. Where one of my comedian friends who did online dating and met someone and they love each other, was like, it's it.

You have to go through a lot of terrible experiences.

But the benefit of online dating is, especially for women comics like me and this friend, you know up front whether you're flirting or not, Like it isn't just hang out with a guy that you think is cute and then find out you guys aren't flirting. It's just platonic, right, Like that happens to women comics pretty regularly or I don't know, but some of us. And so if you do online dating and at least you know that the guy that you're interacting with is interested in boning.

Yeah that's right.

There's not some weird girlfriend reveal in month four, right that always fucking happens.

Yeah.

It gets rid of that awkward obstacle of what are we doing? Right?

Yeah?

I know, someone's like, oh, I thought you just wanted to spend time with me and drive me around while I had a relationship that I didn't mention to you.

I thought that's what you wanted in this right, and great riffing and matches like normal.

It's been around a long time. The one isn't the harmony You have to be religious? Are they wanted?

Kind of yeah, I think so. And farmers only you have to be a farmer.

I mean that as appealing, except for I don't think people should use animals and farming, although I do drink milk, So what am I talking about?

You don't think animals should be used in the dating world in any way?

What I mean?

Of course, a nice horse drong carriage is a very No, I don't an anti farm animal exploitation.

Well, they even if they they already are doing it for a living.

They got a fine love even though they don't have admirable animal jobs.

Yeah, but they can find it with someone who's not gonna look at their cows and be depressed about it. Yeah, I can't. I can't even go to a rodeo find I hear you fine?

And it's funny how Instagram videos have made me more I'm like, I'm just gonna eat fishes and chickens because I haven't seen a lot of cute chicken videos.

Sorry, sorry, chickens.

Chickens are kind of the worst. They're little bit nuts. I had to raise chickens.

Sorry, Martha, because I'm sure this is upsetting, but I had to raise I'm going to be the counter and I don't want to fight with you, but in this I will. I had to raise chickens growing up, and they do not give love, nor do they receive it. And I know there's lots of gifts with children hugging chickens, right, but those chickens don't fucking know what's going on.

Seconds later they get packed right in the It's true, or shared these shit on your jeans. Somehow chickens aren't there for you emotionally. Let's not pretend they are. But I will. I'll say this what I just recently saw the Peta ad where it's a cow that's very buxom. Oh yeah, and.

She's nursing an old man, right. And then Pete's thing was this doesn't look right to you, does it? You shouldn't be drinking milk. What do you think about that?

It's hit a photoshopped pictures or did they actually capture this moment?

Who is that man? I want to know his name? It looks like Joe Biden.

I thought that was part of the whole Look what to creep Joe Biden is that just came out this week?

Martha, you have to write a joke about that. Please, I will, please, will try.

It's considerate reason.

I mean, I understand the reasoning behind don't drink another animal's mother's milk. However, if you could have a humanely treated dairy cow, they don't give a ship what you do with their milk.

You're producing it.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

And if you grew up drinking whole milk like it was water. Yeah, and add into the mix the fact.

That food was the only consistent comfort you received as a child.

You're goddamn right. I'm not giving up. I thought you were talking about me, but you're talking about you.

Perfect.

I will never never right. All the cows I grew up with were very humanely treated.

It was all free range because they were It was just small town farms and branches, so like there was no it wasn't corporate dairy system.

It was a very organic but just by chance organic dairy system. So that's that's all the dairy.

Yeah, As I was when I was a kid, our day care, early school, I think I was like five or six. But we went on a tour of the Dale's Dairy and it was a family that milked cows with their hands, yep. And they had all burned. They had all been in a fire. They had been burned. There was a lot of the that's how I remember. I was a kid, but there they had burned. And

One day. They went from milk and cows to milking the movie business.

That's good though. They kept it light. They stayed they stayed light on their feet.

Well, the kid, I remember a kid working there, and then he was an adult and I'm like, did you used to work at Dale's Dairy And he's like, yeah, that was my family's dairy. Wow, I'm sorry, it's not a dairy anymore.

It was.

I remember being there though, and there's no cows that were saying. It was just like, yep, it's like you described, Martha. It was old timey early eighties.

Dairy farm.

Yeah.

No one's getting slaughtered. Yeah.

I wish, I wish there was a way to turn back our population explode and Turn Back Time. Share one time on Brendan Walsh's podcast. For some reason we started singing shares if I could Turn Back Time and it was still one of my happiest memories of my whole life.

Did they ever get sued by Share? Because that's.

On the Bone Zone. I do know they had to pull some songs off.

Is that true?

They just played music and someone said, hey, you can't do that. I know Brendan had a story about that.

Yeah, you can't.

It might be this, It might be the Share episode with Martha.

If you maybe it was because it was the Bone Zone. If you did, hypothetically a podcast about Alvin and the Chipmunks, could you legally use a sample of one of their cover songs?

No, because it would be topical day and date, so you could justify it's not just random usage. I don't know what any of that means. I'm just talking to music Clearence, Martha.

I don't know what.

As a real life fan of the Chipmunk franchise, can you give some of the listeners the actual names.

Of the movies?

I'm it's it would be my honor. The first one is just Alvin and the Chipmunks.

Okay.

The second one is the Squeakwell, and that's where we meet the chip Uts. And I honestly didn't think I was gonna like the chip Beuts. I thought it was down that they made three female mirror female partners to the chipmunks.

But they're adorable kind of, but it's like g rated little kid stuff. Is the Alvin what's the Alvin version? Female version of Alvin's name Brittany.

She likes.

She is very good at singing and dancing like Britney Spears. She does happen to think that she's very pretty, but in her defense, she is. And then she loves her sisters. That's one of the themes is all the chipmunks and chip Bets love their families. And then Simon's counterpart is.

Oh no, how could this happen?

Oh no, Simon, is it a smart one she is? She wears, Oh my god, I want that.

It's not a real horse. It's it No, I thought it was a horse amount to dump off a room. I've had enough.

I'm driving down there.

Yeah, we have to see that horse.

Lady calm down. Oh my god, that lady was swerving back and forth like this behind me. Oh wow, because I slowed down slightly to look at a horse. You old horror.

Horse.

Horse horse, Stephen, Will you take a picture of this horse?

If we get what's it was? Is road? Is there road? Wait?

I have to look up Simon's yes. Please, it's gonna break my heart.

I'm going to reveal that I only know there's there's a Chipmunks movie called Chipmunks Road Chip, right, the road Chip.

Yeah, but like they go in a road chip.

Yeah, but what Jeanette. That's Simon's counterpart is Janet. She wears glasses, she's a little bit clumsy. And then my favorite Theodore is my favorite Chipmunk.

His counterpart Eleanor.

Here's this horse. It's way back there.

Ship.

Can we do with more? We can't do one movie?

Not here, but we know around and Eleanor is the little round Theodore.

They eat together.

Yeah, it's so cute.

Good lord, I can't stand it. Who are some of the human actors in these movies? Jason is in them? Real quick. The fourth one's called the Road Chip. So wait. The third one is chip Wrecked. Are they on a desert island?

Yes?

And the one my only criticism is the the ship that they're on doesn't actually wreck. They get into a hang gliding incident and end up stranded on a desert.

There's actually no ship element too. Well, they're on a cruise ship, but the ship doesn't run.

But you can't rhyme anything from Chipmunks with hang gliding.

It's a lot like the word orange.

It's like, but they created the problem themselves. They pointed themselves into the in that corner.

That is a theme in all the movies is they created the problems themselves.

Usually Alvin is that the That's right, He's a real disturber.

Did you guys know that.

I mean, as a kid, I had a wall dedicated to Jason Lee.

As skateboard skateboarding.

Yeah, I had like magazine pictures and he was at the top of his skateboarding career. When all of a sudden, it just said, oh, he's taking acting classes, and we were like, like that was in a skateboarding magazine. He's retired to become an actor. And then all of a sudden, like Chasing Amien.

Because he has the best face. He just genuinely has the best face.

Is no is.

Was Chasing Amy his first boog role.

I think it was mal Rats movie I've never seen. Not good.

None of those movies are good.

It's weird because I remember I did a scene from Chasing Amy in my acting class and had I had a kissing scene with.

A with a with a boy, Oh how to go?

It was great. He had braces.

I don't remember that from Chasing Amy.

Well, there's a there's a scene where Ben Afflec is like, you're gay, you have to deal with it, and he kisses him.

And I did that scene in my acting class, and is you guys know me, I don't care. I'm like, I was a little nervous, but I went for it.

No, you're a really modern and or an actor at heart. But in the movie, Ben Affleck was telling Jason Lee that he was.

Gay, uh yeah, or that he should come out and he'd be happy and he'd be less grumpy all the time, and unless I don't remember them.

But that's not the plot of the movie, right, No, it's just a sub plot.

Okay, he's just always Jason Lee is trying to break up Ben at fluck right, Okay, Joey Heatherton, Lauren Adams, Joey then oh right, and then he's like, wait a minute. This isn't because you don't like her, It's because you're in love with me. You're gay?

Right? And was that true? It was? I think so?

It was?

Yeah, awesome, he went out on a limb. Imagine being wrong. It's like, Wow, you're full of yourself. You just don't like your girlfriend. I don't have the hots for you. You're not You're not Ben a Flack yet, but.

Ben a flack. First of all, we're saying it wrong, but flack flack.

He always reminded me of a guy you'd meet at a speech meet competition who would be nice to you so that he could figure out a way to mentally mind fuck you and beat you.

It's in like the humorous interpretation category.

That's it.

I find him frat boy suspicious to the point of being almost scary anyone else. I feel like what.

I've heard the I'm always on the hunt for showman's gossip and rarely get any. But the few things I've heard or maybe just seen on magazines is that maybe he's.

A little bit of a juror. I mean, wasn't there a thing where he like I guess.

When you're that like handsome movie star square jaw guy. Yeah, you have to, you have to be portrayed as a good guy in real life.

But maybe he is a little bit of a me too type of guy. Yeah, I think. Well, I don't know how you could avoid being an asshole unless you had a like early childhood tragedy or something, if.

You had like a Superman chin.

Yeah, and like immediate those guys.

The first movie, him and Matt Damon wrote Want to Fucking Oscar and set them on the perfect right Hollywood track permanently, no matter.

Right. But Matt Damon has like a humanity chill West.

He's short, is he Yeah, sure, he's like five to two.

But he has smile. He's kind of like he's got a humanity chill. Where's Ben Affleck? Seems like he's trying to foreclose on your home because he's tall.

Because it's all about you, guys.

It's height and dead eyes.

When on my phone, I.

Have my number recorded as Ben Affleck, So when I text myself an idea or or anything, it looks like it's coming from Ben Affleck, and I might show someone I'm like Ben Afflex sent me dumb joke about birds again and people believe it and they're like, you know him. I'm like, yeah, he's always look at this. He's always texting me joke ideas and when I call myself, you know, it comes.

Up its number. It makes me feel like I know the guy, and the version I know is he does weird me two things.

Okay, the guy in my phone, the made up, the purely fictional been offlecking.

Her phone, some of the jokes he sends me.

Our question At best, it's like, where is this coming from, Martha?

Who's the most famous person you've met now that you are a TV and film star?

Great question?

Thank you I met that you want to talk about?

Sorry, yeah you want to talk about it?

Clearly, I don't know a lot to say am about him, but he was very very sweet to me in the limited time I interacted with him. Adam Driver, oh one the movie that hasn't come out that I might be cut out of where my character was name case worker, but he just was. But he was very like, like, you know, when you guys were talking about Dustin Hoffman, all the stuff he did to get into character. I've

Anything at that level.

Yeah, I agree, not.

To the point of staying up for three days straight and like not bathing or whatever he did.

And but Adam Driver seems like one of.

Those method actors who has the ability to tune out everything and concentrate really hard on on whatever character he's doing. So I don't think I would ever be able to do that, and certainly if I don't put any effort into it all.

But I admire people who can do that.

But so he he would, he would be in his own world and like kind of tune out everyone.

But then if you interacted with him, he was very sweet, and he's tall, He's super tall, and he has a long waist and a long face and a long jacket. That's exciting. So he actually talked to you like a person and was just kind of chill. Yeah, but he didn't talk.

So a lot of the main thing I love about acting job is all the time you spend with all the other cast and crew hanging out and talking all day, and he didn't.

Really do that. He was very focused. But like.

The second day, I think I only had I only worked three days, so the second day of shooting, I was just like, I owe him an apology. I should have not taken the job. I'm doing a terrible job. And so between setups, I said, because I really felt like.

He deserves to be with someone who actually can act.

And no, I apologize to him because he also that day he kept getting frustrated with himself if he didn't do a take he thought was good, and I was like, who, why is he being subjected to this actor with him? And so I apologize to him between setups and he was like, no, you're you know, he's really sweet and like he so he was sweet to people if he talked to you, but he just didn't initiate much interaction

Sound fun.

I bet it's the best I've never in that well, I guess it's only two years, three years, three years, three years since I worked on that show. I've never had the chance to go be there when they're shooting, and it's heartbreaking. I wondered that I've never I've never been on set. I really want to.

Where does the shooting take place? Where is it all over? Where do you go?

Yeah, like this coming week we have a couple of days in Pico Rivera and then a couple of days in Silmar. There's lots of like Santa Clarita, that a lot of valley stuff. There's gonna be stuff like we calabasas they were in last week, just kind of all over the valley.

All these places I've never been that I've been wanting to go to.

It's kind of fun that the locations that I like before Baskets, there were a bunch of neat places in southern California.

I didn't even know we're there.

So that's kind of fun where all of a sudden you're just around horses.

And Yeah, there was one little town.

Kind of like on the way to Ventura, but in the mountains, so kind of off any of the major highways and it's just a little town in the mountains and there's this little winding road in and out of it, and it was so cool and I didn't even know it was there. It's where they shot this stuff. When he jumps on the train in season one.

Oh yeah, yeah, so that stuff is really fun.

Will you please share with our listeners the time you tried to befriend a horse and the horse did it turn on you?

Will you want to tell that story? And will you?

I will?

Yeah. I just there was a horse near where I lived in East Austin in twenty twelve, and it was when Buddy was sick and dying, a dog that was my.

Dog for a little while, and it was always Buddy was always your dog, but I fostered Buddy for a while.

I feel like he was definitely both our dogs.

Ye, And so the day I found out he was.

This horse, we just would walk by and she was always alone in this pasture and would walk the length of her fence when we would walk by, and I just thought she was lonely. So I started petting her, and then I started bringing your carrots and apples. And then the day I found out Buddy only had a few weeks to live, that he had this fast moving cancer, stopped to give her carrots and an apple, and she put her head over the fence and pushed her forehead

You assume horses and dogs maybe because they have similar body type.

They do have four legs both of them, and tails. Yeah, and.

Been big dogs to me.

Well, when after Buddy died one day, I just thought, I bet she would like it if I was on the other side of the fence petting her, and so I climbed in and she immediately.

Tried to tell me, this is now what you wanted.

What stopping?

Well, she started, she kind of she kind of trotted over towards me, like she trotted away when I climbed over, and then came back. And so I walked next to her, petting her, going it's okay, it's okay, And then she turned her back feet towards me, and it popped into my head like this is what they do sometimes when they kick people. So I jumped kind of out of the way, and then she whirled around and stood up on her hind legs and went Cran's horse like Iamug's crane, the.

Black Stallion when they put on a cruise ship.

Yes, something like that. She reared up with her her front legs waned or winned, winned, thank you.

And then I ran behind a tree and she chased me.

That's when I remember, And didn't people drive by or something?

Her owners who didn't stop and do anything. They drove by, and I didn't know who they were. I just saw people driving by as I was hiding behind a tree and she was at the tree trying to get me.

Why wouldn't they be concern that a person was in there.

I still don't know.

They didn't see you.

Maybe No, they saw me because.

I waved and they waved back, and I waved because of that thing where you don't want people to know that you need help because you're.

Embarrassed, so like you mean, my whole life.

They slowed down, and I was like, this is embarrassing. So I just raised a hand like, hey, I'm fine, even though I wasn't.

You'd rather not be embarrassed and potentially be saved from a dangerous horse killer.

Yes, And then they waved back. They'd slow a little. They waved back and kept driving.

And then a few days later I met them and they were like, yeah, we saw you the other day.

I was like, what, why didn't you do something about it?

I needed you.

I had to run from like that tree to behind her little shed, to behind another tree, working my way towards the fence, and then ran to the fence and thought I could hop up, you know, like run out of a chain link fence and land a little bit off the ground.

But I didn't, and then I ripped my jeans climbing over it.

Oh God.

And then I told her because she chased me to the fence, and I said, we're not friends anymore.

In English, You're not nice.

How did she take that?

She didn't seem to care.

But then I went back to being a friend because I felt mad, for there's no one there.

The relationship with a horse has ups and downs.

Have been a problem horse too.

Maybe that is why no one was in her pastors because she wasn't very nice.

Did you ever feel like putting peanut butter in the horse's mouth? And then later doing some voiceover.

Going like I'm sorry, Martha, I just I don't know how to do it right.

Oh, sometimes my teeth is getting the way.

Wait, Martha, have you ever seen that? What's one of my favorite gifts, and it's the horse that somebody put a stuffed horse into the horse's like area and it goes up and kicks it with it. I love it so much.

I'm picturing that you tried to make friends with that horse, because that's my favorite gift, maybe of all time.

I have to look it up again because it is so good. It's so funny and painful.

It seems like the horse is like, oh, is this a friend of Fuck you stuffed animals and.

Fuck you human being that put this stuffed animal here? Yeah, who do you think I am?

I just saw one the other day of an owl, like people have owls his pets and certain strange houses and this.

Harry Potter's house, this Sorcerer Child's house.

That's a giant owl, and they just put a little rabbit behind it had little rabbit ears, and they all started running towards it, and his wings were up like he was gonna fly off with it, but then he saw it was a stuffed animal, and he just was like staring at it all confused, like that's not a real rabbit. Why did you make me get into hunter most Yeah, it was embarrassed, so he waved off. He waved at some horse owners embarrassedment, just out of shame. We've probably done a long episode recD.

Yeah. I was actually trying to find Martha's street, but now I can't remember which one it is. It's the one if you go left and then pass the light.

Do you guys care about that little dog on that wall being a show dog like a little diamond catwalk. That's a little model dog on a catwalk.

Seen it before me.

It's a doggy cat. Watch Are you sure you don't want to glance over? Doggy cat does show's over?

My neighbor on the other side of the duplex has a Corgie and she is everything you would want.

Big body, tiny legs and.

Big body tiny legs.

Yeah, a lot of.

Instructions about what other people should be doing.

Oh real bossy, very bossy. Yeah, because they're royals. I love it. Here we go, well I get hit by a car we don't know.

Oh wow, they are going for it. Thank you for existing and being terrible.

Not even adjusting slightly. So yeah, two more.

We might as well take you right to your door, right, we can't quit an episode mid block.

No, that would be bad.

Let's do it right up right up to the bitter and it's gonna get better now.

Martha, do you have anything that you want to plug, that you that you'd like to discuss, that you want to confront us about anything at all?

Amends or do you want to apologize for.

What you've done to us?

Dream?

Sorry.

This is the fourth podcast I've done since moving out here, and it's been a path of destruction. One of them they I did over a month ago, So it's the street after this one. Okay, I did over a month ago and they still haven't released it, and I can only assume it's because it was even worse.

Than I remember.

Impossible, no way, your comedy is pretty bad.

They all feel bad though.

There are people and I've seen it. I've known Martha a long time. We kind of started stand up together in a way, don't you think, or whatever.

We dabbled.

We met, we really knew.

I've seen people not get Martha, and I want I've wanted who was the.

It was like the Cajun comic that yeah, you had a rough set, and he's like, hey, everyone just take your hands and just wipe the sweat off your brow and.

Just know that thank God, that's over or what he said, and you go apologie. I was going to fight that guy. You gotta go to apology. Did he apologize?

No, he never spoke to me between any of the rest of the shows we did that week. That was in the terrible That All Club in San Antonio, but I think has closed.

I know that was a capsity Matt Bearden was. I remember it vividly.

Oh, and I was like that guy is and he was like had won his wife had won the lottery or something, and he is a millionaire.

There was some bad I remember meeting a guy who came the one week I headlined in Houston at the old Lapstop, and I don't know why the guy headlined me. I was like a solid middle and part rabbit and that There's.

One VHS in the green room and it was Girls Guitar Club. Yeah, and I watched it and I'm like that she's funny. Maybe one day I'll have a podcast. I've said that I didn't know what a podcast was.

But while I was at that, after the show, every night you'd have to go out and drink in the bar and I was standing there one night and there was a guy that walked on and he's like, yeah, you're all right, and I'm like, oh, thanks, and he goes, yeah, I'm a balloon comic and he was fucking serious.

I laughed in his face. I was like, are you kidding me? Like, but he meant it.

He was just like the balloon comics here, I may or may not be giving you my approval. And I just had that like moment where he pulled all the way back so it was like the United States, then it was in the Northern Hemisphere, and then I would have outer space where I was just like, Wow, this is the dumbest job I could have ever tried to do, and now I'm fucking stuck.

In it, and this is my job. These assholes are my peers, and this is these are the people I'm going to be hearing from for the rest of my life.

Anyone in this car ever seen a balloon comedy show?

I did saying a balloon comic like I'm a balloon comic, like I'm a political comic.

It's a genre of comedy.

Yeah, that's you're saying you're a clown. That's crazy. I'm angry.

I tell you jokes as I make poodles for children at the parties.

And I'm the one who knows that you're not that good at comedy. Okay, well then that's so be it.

Well you know who is good at comedy, Martha Kelly.

Guys, thank you for having me on your podcast so much.

You're doing it and you're nothing to play. You don't are you going to doing?

I'm doing but I don't remember the dates, So what's the point you look it up?

Do you have a website? Not want I would want anyone to look at it.

I have a word Press site that I haven't updated in a year and it's embarrassing. Word press it Martha dot gov, Martha Kelly dot gov. And then and then my Twitter handles Martha Kelly three. That's the one where I yell at people on the internet every single day.

I love it.

I live for it. Well, thanks you, guys, thank you for being with us. Yes, Martha meant the world that you would do it at so last minute we made this appreciated. We love you, Martha.

I mean you've been listening to do you Need to Ride?

D Y N A R? Are you leaving you wanna way back? Either way, we want to be there. Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim. Give us time and a Tourmano and Gabe. We want to send you off instead, we want to welcome you back home. Tell us all about it. We scared or was it fine? Melbourne?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need

With Karen and Chriss