Flashback: In the Car with Chris Thayer

Are you leaving?

I you wanna way back home?

Either way, we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you.

Claim to give us.

Time and a turmano and gay.

We want to send you off inside. We wanna welcome you back home. Tell us all about it. We scared her? Was it fine? Malforn?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need ride?

Do you need with Karen and Chris. Welcome to another episode of Do You Need a Ride? I'm Chris Fairbanks, I'm Garath and today we are picking up Chris.

Is there. I just texted him to say come down. He's watching us from.

His apartment, very mysteriously. He's watching us in the car. Whereas you know, we.

Record setting up our all of our very high end equipment. I'm sortainly. I'm leaning into this mic. There is it all right?

Got a little hot?

Didn't go too hot? It is a little I put it all the way in my mouth.

Okay, sorry, it's a good test.

It's a good test to do that. They're here. That's about it, right?

Oh wow, No, I don't know. It's hard to. I'll just turn you down a little.

Oh, I moved it down.

I thought we're good. Okay, here he's coming down.

And should I say sorry right at the beginning, because especially I don't know what that podcast is going to turn out. Like the one we did last night.

It was great, was it? Yeah?

Okay it was. It makes me nervous to be the guest of my own podcast. Yes, But what I was going to say is, oh, that's true. But I felt responsible for I don't know.

It just was a funny way of wording the description. Oka, Actually we have guests last the last show with Karen Kilgear with the guest and Henry Phillips was the co host. But once you got in the car quickly you took over. Yeah.

Yeah, of course, in both giving you directions and conversation.

I just thought it was funny to say it that way.

Oh, I see.

Instead, it was very confusing.

I felt the I didn't. I felt whatever, it doesn't matter. I have a lot of problems. What I was going to say is we need to start remembering to say if you like this podcast, please review us on iTunes so that we get good reviews and stuff, and thank you for listening because we're so excited to be doing it.

Don't base your review on our show strictly on the intro of this episode.

No, no, no, this episode has nothing to do with the quality of our show.

Talk too much about the past, the past. They live in the past too much, and then they go straight to iTunes reviews. There he is, there he is, with a fresh haircut and it's actual bag and a.

Fresh attitude of the young and the youth. Hi, Chris there, Hi, Hi, come.

On in, Hi. There's a microphone for your mouth, your wordhole.

Than you are we starting, We're starting skateboarding. Skateboarder went by you, mister Chris.

Oh, I get excited like a like a like a dog does when he sees a skateboard. I just run up and I'm like, I do that too, and I bite him on the ankles.

Chris there, how are you?

I'm good? How are you? How are you? Too good?

To see you?

Thanks for picking me up. I'm driving my pleasure.

Oh it's doesn't stop here, it stops at LA specifically, is.

This your first LA extrip?

Oh? No, no, we're old. We're old hands at lax drop offs.

Do you think I should do.

This is your second lax strip.

We've done mostly lax scripts.

I'd say it's our seventh.

Oh I thought you guys were Burbank only.

Oh no, did I tell that to you?

I was under the impression for some reason.

Yeah, no, no, I lie a lot. If not, Usually, if we're at Burbank, we're dropping off a magician or some other kind of older Vegas entertainer.

Danny gans has been in the car.

But God rest his soul, Danny Gance passed away. Of course he was master entertainer, but quoted two thousand and six, we lost him in seven. I realize as the peak of his career. Not only Chris did he do impressions, which I don't know if you have any love, He did impersonations and in tations, as well as celebrity copies and very good at sleight of hand, close up magistry.

Celebrity.

He would run off some dittos of celebrities that you would think were the original doctors.

To almost smell the carbon from the copies that he made.

Chris, when's the last time you went to Las Vegas?

Yeah? Uh, last year maybe, But it was also the first time I've been to Las.

Vegas first and most recent.

Yeah, and I will. I don't ever want to go back.

I could hear your heart rate.

I'm really excited.

Well, you're in bad luck then, because we're taking you to Vegas.

Like one of those Travelosity commercials.

We are going to the Burbank Airport.

Y that guy honked for hell, there's a lot going on.

There is a lot. Do you feel scared yet in our podcast because it's it's very dangerous.

No, not at all. I drive these mean streets every day.

I gotta make sure. I mean, look at that tagger right there. That guy is ready to spray paint something.

That's racist or the white guy.

Yes, the old white guy, not the actual kid holding a spray can I'm not racist?

Chris? Did you Chris there? Did you go to Vegas for fun? For work? And did you win any money?

I did not win any money. I went for fun and it wasn't that fun.

I'm with you, Chris. Vegas is just a showcase of the bottom feeders of our society. I went with They're there for all the wrong reasons.

Whoes that's why I was there?

Uh horror around Yeah, I guess that's for one second. While we go over the original Roman road.

Here your heart.

Some of the roads in la are so old. There's still cobblestone. That's the history of wherever we are.

Okay, wait, and where are you going to dig?

Chris?

There, I'm going to New York, New York City. Yes, for comedy.

Yeah, I have like nine or ten shows.

Isn't it fun? And probably in the span of five days you could do that.

I was last time I was there. I booked it like that. But I'm there for two weeks.

Oh that's great.

So I tried to give myself a little bit of free time so I could go to the Apollo. Nice catch a show, of course.

Good, that's great.

Hope they asked me to perform. You know how it is to sit.

In an audience yep, and like you there, you got what it takes.

Yeah, I recognize you.

Do you know what you're saying at the Apollo?

I bet he's not really, I'm not really.

I sometimes I get tricked, and those times, but now it just makes me nostalgic for the days I was always tricked. What shows are you? Are you excited about anyone in particular?

I'm excited about all of them. They're all pretty good. I think I'm doing Night Train, which I've heard good things about doing Cabin. I have a bunch of shows at U see BE East.

Yeah, yeah, those are all good shows. They're fun and people there, do you agree they listen a little more the audiences.

I don't know. I haven't been in like two and a half years, so UCB East wasn't open at that time. The only one of those shows I mentioned that I've done so far as Cabin a couple of years ago.

Yeah, I just like it seems like New York crowds. I don't want to slight Los Angeles people, but they're a little smarter, a lot of not a lot of Like I moved here to be an improv actor. Yeah, and books are for squares. It seems like in New York people think books are cool. That being said, I never.

Read people in New York. I also think have lives outside of the media's And that's what so respectable to me.

That's what I mean.

It really seems.

Yeah, that's what I meant to say.

It's just like you could be sitting next to a college professor, you know whatever. There just seems to be a real it.

Feels like a media studies professor.

Then you're like, fuck off, palace nerd.

Yeah, I've heard you're a bartender. Now make me let.

I picked the worst street to drive down. We started and immediately stopped in traffic and road repairs. This is this perfect for a Friday afternoon.

Yeah, this is the street where Michael Douglas lost lost his mind and falling down? Is it all the just where all the construction was. I like to reference well movie.

I actually don't even live over there. I just wanted more time on the podcast.

Oh that's great that you're going to do great. I live right by l a X, so could we drop you off at your apartment right before?

Yeah, I planned on walking. I was just open. You can get me right back home.

I live by LAX and I that's it's very inconvenient for being a comedian. Or I live in Venice Beach, so I'm driving all the time at night, and it's I regret it all the time until I have to go to the airport. Then it's pretty sweet.

Yeah, then you love it.

How often is that.

The old airport? How often am I gigging? Yes? Oh you know?

How often? Is it worth it? To live where you live.

I'm a bit of a road dough now it's yeah, once a month, I'm like, well, here I go again. That's a lot with it, I guess you know.

And also the clean air with the negative ions, which is very good for your brain and spirit.

Do I have those?

No, we don't have any heir.

In the I'm negative.

Oh that's true. Wait, let's think about it. Person, I think that I am negative? Can I say this? Chris Thayer and I just worked on the Peat Home Show together, recently canceled heartbreaking.

Sometimes your best isn't good enough.

And here we are back where we were before.

But remembering lyrics didn't beating.

You at that Chris Thayer was our digital content writer. Yes, and I loved it because the few things that I ever had to check that he wrote, I didn't have to check. When I looked at them, I was like word perfect, perfectly spelled, perfectly put together, very solid writing, very very funny but non intrusive.

There we go.

So yeah, I should have said.

That first spelling.

I want you to become a typographer or maybe an editor. Do when to indent, he will not put He is against doctford commas just like I am.

He puts in semi Collins, but he's not flashy about it.

Yeah, just he really wants to break that phrase.

A lot of people overuse commas just every time they want to pause.

I'm kind of like that.

Yeah, me too. I love comments.

I actually am bad about semi collins and I just read a quote from Kurt Vonaga yesterday where he was saying that they're complete bullshit. They don't signify anything. They're just to show that you.

Went to college semi collins.

Oh yeah, funny, but I didn't go to college, so oh.

Yeah, take off, Kurt. Yeah, Vonna gout, Yeah, dead bitch, Vonna gut comma, Kurt.

I thought that started as a respectful homage turned into a total We scorched that motherfucker.

I felt bad when I read.

It because because I've.

Been using them like crazy. I love using semi colons. I thought about that, like, if I ever was like it, I don't think I could get away with a crime because I use semi colons so often. They could easily trace back anything written to me.

That's good, Give me all your money, pause.

What's your alibi? Fees?

It's a series, so you're trying to prove you went to college by using them, just like I'm.

Just trying to save money.

Kurt. Come on, God, Kurt just got a text. We're multimedia podcast speaking a digital writing.

Oh yeah, don't forget to text us.

Why do we keep getting in wrecks in your questions?

The other though, the uh, Mike Fleno posts our episode, posts them onto the interweb. He uploads them. I don't know.

Technically, we just call him Mike.

He's very happy with the last episode. O good, very great episode.

Has he gone up yet?

I think it just went up. Usually we like to do them for Friday morning. That one will be on next Friday morning.

Nice. But I'll still be in New York. I have shows. If people want to come, I'll wait till the end. I wait till the end. I get it. I get it and look it up.

I guess we can throw our whole format to the wind and talk about what shows you're doing now.

I love a podcast that hides the plugs in the middle.

Yeah.

I think that's smart because they're.

Only for the fans. You know, that's right.

You can see him at cabin.

He thinks, what go then, dude, Yeah, you've got it you've got the floor.

They're not injured enough. Now that wasn't I'd say, do you say bad things, Chris when you're in a car? Oh? Yeah, I just say unspeakable things.

I said a real hurtful thing the other day.

Let's hear it.

Yeah, let's hear it.

I was driving behind a car that was going really slow and uh. And normally I'd be like, are you fucking kidding me? Like if somebody cuts me off or something, or like you're a fucking asshole, you know, and then I get over it. Yeah, but the guy was going slow, which is pretty uncommon. It was on the freeway, and I was like, I thought you're a loser. Yeah, like it, which was a more pointed thing, like you'll never amount to anything because you drive slow. It's like a character flaw.

It's the worst thing you can say to someone in Los Angeles where everyone's trying to be a winner.

Was it ausible to him?

No, I didn't even say that.

Oh well you just thought it. Yeah, Well that's not I mean, you're I already know you're a nicer person than I.

Oh sometime, Yeah, I can control myself.

I don't burp every other contest I thought about I thought of a burp a minute ago and let it out. So you think about the bad things, you don't let them fly out your mouth like me and the word cocksucker and then burps. No, no, man, I really, I'm sorry.

I actually I was on San Fernando and there were people I almost saw a train car wreck. You know how they always warn you of, like don't stop on the tracks, where you're like, who would ever do that? That's so stupid.

Yeah, there's bells and sounds also the sound of a train.

But I saw a person and stop on the tracks and the bar come down, a white lexus, and then the person not back up like they thought they were gonna gun it through, and then the people behind that person getting so close that he couldn't back up. So I rolled my window down. This is how controlling and what a lunatic I am. I rolled my window down and yelled back up, and then they all backed up.

But it was like, oh, you sad.

I like to think it was about me. I'm positive it wasn't, but just the idea that it's like that's so that's an LA driver where they just stay right behind you, even if a train is coming. If you move up, they'll just fill that empty space instead of like looking at the whole picture.

Wouldn't you would any part of you have felt okay with the fact that it was Alexis though, Yeah.

Yeah, I kind of wanted to see that train if over when the.

Train hit the car, would you have said under your breath, what a loser? Because that's the ultimate and loss.

It's loss of life.

Yes, you're a user of your life. Yeah, and then some sort of song.

All dead people are losers and.

They really are right if you really think about it. Breaking down language styles.

I'm gonna move that so I can see your face.

Oh hi, hey, yeah, sorry, not make an eye contact kind of it. Usually I like to, but uh, the nature of our podcast. You're in a Honda fit. I love you do.

I came to l A in an fit. Well color shit, Oh it's like no, I think it might have been orange. Oh okay, yeah, shit.

Orange like it looked like a little penny.

Only yeah, like a coppery. I think I could be completely wrong, by the way, but I think it was a fit.

And how long ago did you come here?

I came to LA in July of twenty twelve and I was driven by Megan Keister and Alan Strickland Williams. Two very funny.

Yeah, like those I love them. They're so funny. And they're dating, which is the greatest.

They have a hand a fit. I think you guys have I think.

Wait, were either of them City of San Francisco Comics or we're just coming back down.

They're just coming back down and they took me and all my stuff, so awesome. Yeah, that's great.

I really love Megan Keister. She gives me hope for girl comedy in the future.

I sure like her name women.

Yeah, they prefer the term women.

The sketch group women like them. God damn it.

You're a part of the problem, Karen. I know, it's so ironic because you are a comedian, comedian.

Comedian like Raggedy Ann, Raggedy Andy, comedian Andy. He's a comedian, Andy, Chris.

What's the difference between San Francisco and Los Angeles?

Yes, Oh, like it's like three hundred miles away.

Uh huh.

Yeah, so it's more north.

Yeah, it's further north.

And San Francisco politically.

Yeah, I well, I mean it's so much more compact. It's like seven by seven miles, and public transportation is used by everyone. You're down in the streets, you're around people, You're not so isolated.

Yes, you're really It sounds like you really prefer San Francisco to Los Angeles.

Well, those are the things I miss about it. I don't know I like la I don't know that I've fallen in love with it. And I don't know what I would say that I like about it to someone.

It's that's understandable.

Don't fall in love.

Don't. Don't If you fall in love with this city, it makes you harsh.

She'll break your heart twice.

Yeah, the minute you're in love, she turns on you.

Have you guys been through something?

Also, it's I don't I think there's nothing to love on purpose, Like I think people keep it lucy goosey so that people leave because there's too many people here.

I just tell people, like when people are thinking of moving or whatever, I say like, yeah, you should. A lot of people that have moved here or seem to really like it. I really don't know what to say. I'm like, yeah, the weather's nice, and a lot of the other people who've moved here from where you're from really enjoy it. Yeah, so you probably will too.

And what you're not saying is there's this kind of a psychic miasma you're about to enter into that you can't understand and won't, but you will just be in it. And that's what living in la is all about.

If I had thought of that, I would have just said that, would you, Yeah, it's not that I'm not saying that.

Would you say psychics?

Sorry, I don't know what that is.

That's one of the semi that's one of them semiculon words.

It is cat org I bet and you looked it up and it doesn't mean anything. But I just meant it as like when you're just having this is the kind of place where you, if you are a certain kind of person, you will doubt everything about yourself.

Oh I'm that kind of person.

Yeah, I think most people are, unless you're I just.

Referred to it as negative ions.

That's what people on the West Side do.

I just call it rods and cones firing. That's your eyes. I like San Franny. I did my comedy album there and I found that that city is very, of course liberal, which I like. I'm a liberal person. I like when people are open minded, but I felt like during a lot of jokes there, I would get groans if something was even touching on something that you know, liberal folks are known are supposed to be a trigger to where they're reacting and kind of being closed minded as a result.

I see that happening where it's a lot of like it's they would rather it's like throwing out the baby with the bathwater kind of thing, right, No, there's no attention to contact sometimes.

Yeah, so it's.

Like, oh, you're talking about this at all, so it must be in a way that it's going to offend my sensibilities. Exact comedians are patently offensive or something.

Well, and also those people that have themselves to be the police of everybody else. There's lots of police people up there that are like, oh, you clearly don't know that that's not the way we do it here.

And then if you do a show of hands here who here likes San Francisco, Everyone's like yay because they the houses and it's pretty and there's public transit and people are nice. But if you go there, they're like boo, we hate la.

Yeah.

I never understood that.

It's because LA doesn't give a shit about flee Cisco. Yeah, I guess, and Sancisco, Like when I lived there, everyone feared living there. There's a lot of fear involved, at least for me. But then there's it's also the thing that they're so superficial and this and this and this, and it's like, well, basically, it's like it's like trying to say the big leagues in baseball, are they're just using you or whatever?

I mean, are you taking about the one like the one way rivalry between Yes, Okay, yeah I got lost for a second, but I totally see that for sure.

Yeah, yeah, there's a one way.

But I I don't know, it's it's weird comedically, I feel like I have been having to adjust because audiences are a lot more patient up there though. For sure.

Yeah, I think you'll find while you're in New York patients will be given to you. Yeah, and you'll love it.

But I don't know. I mean, i'd like to, you know, I want to be good performing in both kinds of places.

Yeah, none of these none of these shitholes are Boise, Idaho. That's the best place you could ever tell jokes.

Is that true?

Be town I used to like, I don't know, I'm kind of kidding, but there are random little non city spots that are really terrific to format. That's all I'm saying. Yeah, defending the old road.

Bloomington is really fun.

Yeah.

No, smaller town, but I mean those are like college place.

Yeah. Yeah. Madison is one of my favorite places. It's just like, look at all these happy young people that are like the people I grew up around being a Montana.

Every show I've ever done in Canada has been incredible.

Isn't Canada just a great trucking greatest? Are you in Canada? Chris?

I've never been? I uh, I want, I would really like to go. I feel like I'm gonna have some trouble though, I got it. Do you I like ten years ago? Oh okay, and I think they're pretty strict on that.

But after seven years, doesn't it kind of Yeah?

I think there's a there's an old time lapse thing.

I'm glad I made that public. Jesus too.

Out our Canadian.

Fans, Let's tell them about all the times we've been in jail.

We keep getting tweeted by their border patrol so don't bother.

Going now they Oh god, they're huge fans of the border.

I love just the border.

I love any kind of boundary. Anytime there's an imaginary line and I shouldn't cross it, I love it.

Is you get your blood pumpin, Yeah, get into it.

Yeah. Oh that line? You mean that one that decides which one of us is mice and which is men? And then I either I usually don't cross it.

I like to hop back and forth between the tle I'm a mice man, I mean I'm a mouse.

Man would if I don't want to decide between those and I'm a bunny rabbit, And then you just hop around.

It's kind of like or like a kangaroo would be like between the two, right, it kind of looks like a mouse looks like you were shaking your head.

No, like my bunny rabbit.

That's why I can't be in an improv class.

So much negation, yell you do no end me quite a bit.

No.

Actually, I was thinking, man has a phrase. I liked it. Something about it that's super appealing. He's a plural singular.

Yes, it's good.

Like he's got a lot of mice on him.

Oh that would be cool because everyone else was just thinking of a guy in a suit that just had not me.

I'm super different.

A man. I'm a mouse man, and he's covered in mice. A man made of mice.

Because a rat king, yes, yeah, do you know what a rat king is? You might see a rat king while you're in New York?

What I hope? So, I honestly get so excited when I see rats in the subway right, because.

It's really real. This is New York is real.

All those movies I saw are real. A rat king is when a bunch of rats gets tangled up in each other. You've never heard of that?

You know by their tails?

Yeah, I guess yeah, they get all stuck together.

And then it forms a larger like a transformer.

Into the shape of one big mouth, like.

One big rat. I forget it's a transformer name. He's made up of many robots. Oh nuts, that's what would be the.

Most you watch Transformers.

No, it turns out none of us. I respect everyone in the car for not knowing Optimist Prime. Oh that is it is Optimis Prime. Thank you. Yeah, he's like he is a robot that is comprised of other robots with their own personalities. But then they get together and they fight the septicons as one unit, and together they can turn into a semi truck.

Written by a genius boys, stuff is so dumb.

Rats.

This is the story about rats, rats into one big rat.

I think the time I lived in Texas and then I would see many armadillos and possums, and possums look a lot like a giant rat. So then when you go to New York and you finally see a big one scurrying on the tracks, it's not as impressive because, hey, you're the same guy that's been digging in my plumb garden.

You're no armadilla.

Oh yeah, last time I was in New York, there was a rat on the subway platform, terrorizing people, and in the summertimes when people were in flip flops and stuff, just freaking the fuck out running away from this rat. And my friend and I were watching, and you know, kind of amused at what was going on, and then I'm looking at my friend we're talking about it, and he just he screamed in my face, and it scared

Then it happened to him. Yeah, that's easy to point the finger.

Yeah, I know.

And before Karen tells her rat story, I'll tell mine. It was Halloween. Halloween. It happened maybe two weeks prior, and I had this jack a lantern that I had carved and it was just droopy and rotten.

Ready for fuck.

It was really ready to just American tie my dick into Well you.

That's why you love Halloween so much.

And I have a black cat, and my black cat was standing there and this is all stuff that you see on a Halloween greeting card. I went to pick up the jack lantern it's like at time to put him in the trash, and my fingers just sunk into the side of it a lot like my dick would have. Yeah, all right, we had and it ripped, it ripped open, and there was a fucking mouse in there.

And he went and the mouse was having a birthday party.

Well, nobody was wearing a hat because as he propped up, he was wearing the top of the pumpkin like a little Jack lannern top hat.

And then it said happy birthday, grandson, and.

Right then my cat was like rot and he jumped. A black cat jumped in the air and silhouetted in front of the moon with a perfect arch mat Yeah, also seen on Halloween cards.

It was much of the story was true my cat.

Okay. What is true is the mouse was inside there. It was not true that the jack lantern was being worn like part of a hat. It is true that the cat leapt into the air. It is not true that he art froze in front of the moon, causing a silhouette that beckoned back man, back man.

Fuck, Who's there's a really good chance that both of us every podcast have strokes.

I think I'm having the heat variety right now.

Yeah, there's a good chance.

Why am I wearing layers?

You always do?

Anyway, the mouse scared me, and I scared the cat. I just like it when cats react in a human way to something. The one time my cat walked through a spider web and then he stopped and he's like h and he was like looking at his podyssey if the spider wed was on him, which proved that he scared us by And I just I missed that cat so much yeah.

My cat Angus, who's also dead. I used to we used to have a trick, like a dog trick. He would sit down and if I got a certain distance away from him and pointed at him, he would me owt And it was he was hilarious. He was so not like a cat.

That's like a dog style trick.

Yeah that is.

And it was a trick that he showed me he could do like I didn't. I one time was like, stop doing that and pointed at him and he mowed back like he was assassing me. Oh wow, this is the dumbest story I've ever told.

So he turned it into turned his bad behavior into a game.

Yes, yeah, that's great.

And then we'd literally at parties be like, come in here, I show you this thing. Oh it's so terrible. And then uh, and then he died.

My cat. I didn't want everyone to think my cat's dead. He just is in Montana. He's retired at night.

That's your cat that has feline age.

Yeah yeah, eight cat eight.

Wait is he really in Montana?

Yeah? Yeah, I flew him on an airplane.

That sounds like a thing that like a parent would tell their kid. A farm ranch in Montana can we go to Montana? No, there's no way to get there.

It's all rural.

You'll go there one day.

Will That's how everyone if they're like kind of agnostic, just tell your kid one day they go to Montana.

It's weird to think that your cat is a loser.

He's such a loser.

Mine's not a loser yet. He's just really really skinny and weak.

We're all we're all losing every day.

We lose every day. That's why we have to live, live live.

I think we know what the tagline of this episode is going to be.

Fuck off, loser, Kurt dead bitch.

There's so many possibilities. Chris, what when you go to New York.

One second? Do you think it's indicative of stand up temperament to only like quote yourself in the tagline of what the episode will be?

Yes?

You mean like we all pick our own lines.

Yeah, we're like, what was my best thing that I said?

What was the best thing? It's definitely something I said, Mmm.

I don't know if these other guys said something aids something.

I liked it when I said Batman or back man back man instead of Batman back man.

YEP, A great night out for you in New York? What is it? You're up till four, then you get a slice, then you drink twenty five beers?

Is this the intro to Louis?

That's what I wanted to fuck you got me. I was gonna say another thing from the intro.

Do you stand at the comedy cellar doing a set and touching the back wall with your hand?

Yeah?

You you let Todd Berry be grumpy in a scene? Yeah, that's right, calling people.

Out fuck by names.

Sometimes Tod Berry's grumpy and he's sometimes on Louis.

Tell me about what you're looking forward to going to that city. That's a que I'm trying to get out there.

I'm trying to figure out what to do. I I'll have a lot of I want to do a lot of stuff in the daytime because I stopped drinking since last time I went there, So like going out at night is not as enticing anything because of that. Do you want No, that was like ten years ago. Okay, I start drinking like a year and a half ago.

The details, Yeah.

I appreciate it. I now have to edit that out too.

No, I'm glad.

I'm glad I quit drinking that's a theme.

Well, then go to the park. I it's it's not overrated Central Park. I think it's cool that it's there. It's really I.

Want to do. I don't know. I just have a bunch of friends that I want to see. I have friends that are visiting while I'm out there, which is great also convenient for me. I'm excited to do all the shows that I'm doing and I actually get mugged.

Yeah you want. It's so nice there now boring.

I like new experiences and I've never been stabbed.

Well, then take the train to one hundred and sixth Street.

Is that the l I don't know. I like to pretend. I know. Oh, on thirty eighth and thirty ninth, that corner Avenue and straight not Boulevard.

I really when I lived there, which was a couple of years ago, but and for a short amount of time. But I really, I just love that city so much. It's such it feels like fun things are happening when nothing's happening at all. Yeah, which it's the opposite of.

La It's just a bunch of people rushing to grab groceries at the last minute. But it just if you glance over it them. They're all solving crimes.

You're like Broadway Broadway, but you're just at CBS.

Last time I went there, there was like a line to get into Trader Joe's with like a one in, one out policy, like a bouncer. I was like trying to go to Trader Joe's. But I saw that.

Oh wow, you know what, I've heard that about Trader Joe's there. That's like a common thing.

They so weird.

I get that. Yeah, one in, one out.

Yeah, it makes a lot like sunders to go there that it makes me feel so ashamed that I shot there. Oh no, god, it feels like a cult, you know. I mean it feels like that.

Everyone there's happy and wearing a Hawaiian shirt.

Yeah, it's just what's the thing you always get the Trader Joe's item made by Trader Joe's that you always get like some kind of an empanada.

Or I actually eat pretty boring at Trader Joe's. It's always like raw unsalted nuts.

Happy.

Yeah, it's never really like it's not fun snacks anymore. Oh you know what, though, there's a there's like these rosemary raisin crackers that are like they sound bad, but it's hard to eat. Not a whole box in one sitting. Wow, they're really like tread the line between sweet and savory. Ah, they're so fucking good.

That's a line I do like to cross.

That's a border.

I am familiar with sweet and savory state line.

I will go into mice territory.

I'm sheriff of both these counties.

Raisins and rosemary sounds like, yeah, so you want stuffed quail, but you don't want to deal with the bird itself. Here's all the shit you love.

Is it raisin flavored or is there raisins in it?

There's little raisins.

Oh wow, maybe we need to have a trader. Joe's my favorite item. Party fun and that's all that's there.

They're so good.

Then you have to defend what you brought.

I'm looking at pictures right now, and you are.

You're looking at My mouth is.

Watering, So I think you gotta give them a chance.

Okay, Sharen, you have pictures of those crackers on your fee.

You just brought them up. They're jpeggs.

Their gifts actually animated gifts.

It's you really fascinating those.

It's the time lapse of them being baked into perfection.

By little keydler Ill. That used to work for Keith, but now they work for Trader.

I think they still probably work for Keebler and then Trader Joe's buys a bowl, come out and then re labels.

That's their trick.

That is what they do, right, They do that with tequila and stuff. You can get tequila. They do that.

But there, but like I sincerely did that. But that is like a real morning radio thing to do. I guess, yeah, just like yo, what's the relevant sort of cultural reference to that?

Yeah, tequila? From this point forward, let's act like we have a little sample button for those moments.

Oh, I'm so glad we're close to the airport.

Wait, why is that guy selling flowers? Is it a holiday? Coming up?

Holiday?

Yeah? Make time, it's a different time on purpose. You can't celebrate a holiday, Karen, for's sake.

Come on, good times.

Oh that didn't get enough laughter, tell a great good time? Wrong song o God? Why is that what I enjoy it? At age forty almost.

It's always fun to ship on your friends.

It is.

We're friends, Chris.

Not only were we friends, but I would like to brag that Chris is one of my first real Twitter friends. Yeah, we met on Twitter. I knew followed him and your picture got me. Your picture sold me outright, which his picture is this weird thing. It's so crazy, like all your hairs brushed.

Down, toure of me, Karen, But you look like your eyes, you look like I was actually singing in that photo.

Were you really?

Yeah, I'm in a photo booth in Berlin, not bragging, and and I was singing a Temptation song and I just had it take pictures of me while I was singing. Oh, you look like I was really feeling it.

And then you did something about a guy on a motorcycle peeling out that made me laugh.

Yeah, and then.

We just were friends on Twitter. And then when you came here.

You took me out to breakfast to breakfast and I had a fried chicken and waffles.

I did so many bits with your face to me. It's so enjoyable.

Yeah.

I kept pretending to having trouble finding the straw in my drink without looking at it, like a lot of times. And actually I remember this. At the time, you were like I was about to start working on the pilot for the show, and you were like, I'm a big fan of Pete's. If anything ever opens up, let me know. And it's really interesting that you wound up became full circle ended up working on the show.

I know that was actually very exciting to me because I went you got me into that pilot taping that I went to think Matt Kneedson was with me and who we saw last night, and and I watched that thing and I was like, Oh, I want to be on a so bad. This is all I know, all these things, this is what I do, and this is what I know how to do. And then like a year later, my agent's like, hey, do you want to

I keep imagining Chris doing that straw thing. Yeah, work on the Pete Holmes Show.

So do you feel alienated just now?

Well?

I mean you guys could talk about stuff. I like, we.

Already talked about mice men.

Okay. My brother in law's a fireman and he went to a wedding like in Washington somewhere, and one of the Foo Fighters was there, I think the least popular, the one that's always smiling in their videos, face player, and my brother in law went up and said, hey, you're a food fighter. I'm a firefighter, and the guy he was just staring at him, and then he tried to do that thing with his straw where he wasn't

He's a firefighter, now.

Yeah, exactly, that's right.

Who's the fire said, that's embarrassing. Story?

Now I just did a sound sample.

You say a songscape?

A songscape? I pushed another songscape.

Do you want me to tell my girls story?

I do? I do, I really do.

I find it on podcasts if you ask permission to tell stories, it really gums up the rhythm. So that's what I do all the time. When I worked on the Whitney Cummings talk show, Love you mean.

It a bigger.

Being Berlin Dave Grohl was co hosting or was guest hosting Chelsea Lately. So he was upstairs writing with the writers, and he came down to say hi to Whitney because they're friends. And he walked into our writer's room and looked around and said hi to everybody, and then he looked at me and goes, it's you. And I was like just staring at him, and he goes, it's you, the girl with the thing doing a guitar gesture, And come to find out, I literally got dizzy because, like

It was like eighteen everyone worships day.

I am still hoping they'll do a reunion tour.

He's amazing. He's amazing, and he's more amazing in real life.

Yeah, only when he recognizes you.

Yeah, it's pretty good. Was I supposed to go in there? I was, Girl, we're lost, We're lost.

She's driving directly to Dave, girl's beach house.

If you're listening to this next week, I'm still in LA. Don't go to my shows in.

New York's rude.

Do not go to a few times to UCBS yet?

Wait, so he what was the rest of the story.

Sorry, no, it's all right. I feel stupid for telling it. No, he just recognized he apparently.

Sorry we made you bring it up because.

You always think things are gonna work out, don't you.

Yeah, well you hope they do time. It's more important than Karen. They don't.

And sometimes you know enough to bail.

Wait, go ahead, we all want to hear the rest of the story.

On the Food Fighters tour bus. They used to watch the Girls Guitar Club short film. He recognized me from.

That's funny because I saw that short film in the green room at the left stop in like two thousand and two before.

We knew each other. Yeah, so there you goucking Mark Mark Babbitt. God bless that man. Yeah, he did a lot for me, and God rest his soul.

He Also, he's in Montana now celebrity copies. But he has to.

Put him down in.

It's not true.

I don't know who he is. Also, if he's if he books shows, I would love to perform at.

I think he's in the hotel business, now go ahead and talk shit.

If he books hotel rooms, I would love to stay in the hotel to day.

And I think he repairs them with him, and he's like, I'm kind of out of the comedy Bison biscuits. And I looked back and he had like a grout and some wallsiding for like you for a hotel room. So he was deep in the hotel biz.

Yeah, he's making it work.

Once you have pieces of hotel in your back seat, you know you're not getting out, you know what I mean? Hm, Karen, I'm sorry about the dave.

No, no, no, I'm I'm sorry. That was all on me. There's nothing worse than trying to do a brag and just having it flopped there.

Look a pimp man where he was tall BMW with those thin chariot wheels, which is my favorite lowrider wheel.

Yeah, it's like cool.

I'm a guess, is this? What is this?

Derrick's Derek's Jamaican food?

You know, Derek man.

No, I'm not in exile from my regular country. I did not break the law.

My name is Derek Johnson. Bought this from a I'm from Wisconsin. I'm sorry, you guys. My throat gets sore when I do that.

No, mine sounded like Dracula. My name is Derek Johnson.

One one order of Jack Chicken mine and then we're good. We're no Danny Gans in this car. I'll tell you that right now. You mean with celebrity copies you saved do a Jamaican guy? He says, which village? Oh my, yeah? He was amazing, Dan.

That's like that Andrey Hepburn movie. I can't remember.

Did I also mention that he sang as different people. He was a dance man. He did dance numbers. He was such a good dancer that on its own that could have been a Vegas spotlighted. Go to his website. When you go to his website, I was going to it because for a while I was obsessed with him, and then he died and then I felt sad. But

There's no real way to add a morning radio thing to that. It's already baked in.

Look at that cute fan family, That's what I was staring at, where there are three three kids and the mom and a dad and they're all about to walk that baby, they're.

All yeah, yeah, they're all you you know what.

Okay, that's not appropriate.

Family.

It was a supportive honk of we love your family.

Yeah, but there's some other elements you didn't mention, and it's a little weird.

What no one has to know? No one in that family had both arms. No, I'm just kidding, all single arm.

It was a single arm family, very common these days in America. Oh man, Chris, maybe you could do a brag right now?

Yeah? Yeah, other than your all of your stories of birdle in.

Yeah, what's a good celebrity brag that you have?

Yeah, I don't know if I have any everyone's.

Got one or two.

Well, I mean, I've seen how those kind of things can work out if you try to brag about a celebrity thing.

Oh and between you and I, Chris, was your example fairly recent? Yeah?

It was quite recent.

I think I I think I know which one you're talking about.

You know, you learned by seeing someone get burned. That's what my mom always.

Said as she died in a fire loser.

She said that as she was saying like that, I spent the night at Danny DeVito's house. No, twice, what two different houses, his regular house and his beach house in Malibu.

Break come on, I have the nice beach house in Malibu?

Was that the best? It was? But there was an ordeal before where a friend of mine got arrested on the way there. Oh, and so I had to find other people to like pick up his car and drive me the rest of the way. And then I was just like on the phone with him figuring out like jail stuff. Oh wow, I was like, arrested for drug possession? Do you have like a secret little problem that I don't nobody knew about?

Oh?

And so I was like on the phone like in hysterics for most of the night. And then after I got off the phone with him, I like just got super wasted and spent the night at Danny's house kick it. But they uh, he had like paraphernalia and stuff that the cops decided to not take his evidence, and they were like, Okay, put that stuff back in the trunk of the car and you know, get rid of it

It's a weird thing for them to demand of you, we don't have room in our storage locker rough drug.

Well it's because they were gonna, excuse it. It was like empty bags. So they were like if there was drugs in any of these, there's so many of them that you would go to jail with possession with intent to distribute. Oh wow, she's just crazy.

But friends with that guy or is he in rehab? Uh?

He has, he's gotten his stuff together.

Good.

Yeah, I know.

I did not like where your tone was is in Montana?

Oh no, he's a winner. He's a winner.

Please at least tell me it's in the Rocky Mountains. So the guy that forgets never mind.

Where Montana is.

No, they never and in this car is against me.

Are the Rockies in Montana?

Yeah?

Yeah, see I think that was the problem.

They go through the western edge.

It was like a geographical issue.

There's a little beautiful movie that is a great story called A River Runs through It. Oh, I've seen that was a shot in my town.

Are you kidding me a.

He was a preacher at the church where I used to pretend to believe, and I was a youth group leader at Tom Skarett. It was a lot like the real pastor there.

The overachieving non believer youth group leader.

Well, I'm not a leader. I mean the kids lucked up to me. I think they put me in some sort.

Of a leaderships a celebrity brag coming in.

He went on a few trips. We went to Toronto.

Once, we went to the mall up there and wow, and that takes care of my Berlin. So one we got fired.

The old but one wall in Mexico.

Wow, border part even killing your own references here, Yes, but.

I think it's what we did in Washington State where.

Oh, my god, we had a free one convert just tossing them out.

There's these guys that were out of prison up in a beautiful helping the.

My god.

But we were supposed to scare them with They were like, oh, we'll have kids visit them and talk about the Bible. And I'd never read the Bible.

You had to scare straight the prisoners.

Yeah, yeah, So they were well revers motherfuckers.

The kids, right, the prisoner. No, you could end up like these kids. Yeah, and this boring church group.

Yeah, you get your ship too far together?

Sorry?

Sorry, how dare you boring? We were? We listen to Chili Peppers and we.

So torturous, horrifying, not at the time of nightmare in retroch back to asked, but at the time it was some funky ship.

Hey, is that the new Chili Peppers? I think I'm want to stay in prison.

You know what, I'm gonna go straight to solitary confinement.

Huh. Regular life is a prison too, are everywhere.

But more of an ear prison with a lot of guitar.

I already got my bunk set up, so You'm gonna stay here.

Okay, I didn't make a difference.

You turn those kids onto the PEPs, bro. You did make a difference, that's right, PEPs. The other day we had I had nothing to do at work and I watched a long segment of a based tutorial. It was just flee Oh wow. Uh it was like from square one about bass. So I don't even know if we got really to slapping yet.

That's so great? Are you trying to learn? Basically?

I don't think he slaps I think he plucks maybe, Yeah, I don't know. He's not a.

Slapper who cares about the bass? Oh you do?

I have a guitar. Really, I have two guitars.

Really, it's one a regular guitar and one a bass guitar.

One is an acoustic, one is electric.

Oh wow.

And then you have a basis.

Oh my god. I love that sound so much and I can't do it. It really bumps me out. Pete is really good at it.

Yeah, it really.

I'm so jealous. I wish that I could do it, and I really I don't have any right.

Yeah, I learned this from Danny Gans. This is a trumpet.

God rest his soul. Yeah, his talents live on.

Even though his body is in Montana.

The Danny Gams references are just you can't be faking this. You're a fan of Sorry, no, don't apologize. I like it.

Vegas came up, Vegas, Danny. They're synonymous.

When you first started talking about Danny Gans, I thought you were totally lying, and I was like, well, how far can he go with it?

All the way to the end of the podcast, we're pulling into the airport.

Just now, we are pulling in l a and we're going through past these. That was pretty good.

That was a clarinet.

Clarinet with lips like an elderly chicken from the Muppets. But it's.

I love that song. Anytime I hear that song, I really get very happy.

Yeah, yeah, nostalgic. Everything's fun. It makes you want to what airline?

It makes you want to plod No, no, you know, like plodding along like.

Okay, I thought you meant plod against someone. You guys, do.

You know his airline?

Oh? That the word is not part of my vocabulary.

I get it.

Christmas supposed to. He didn't. Won't high I'm that I'm not a wurgin. No, he didn't. He didn't give me a little work. That's right. Lots of you people sound California. And then I'm gonna sing.

Torture.

I used to have a chili pepper sticker on my Ford Escort. That was the entire back window. I used to get pulled over.

It's the entire band.

They're all standing on my suits, their faces.

It was flee but it used to get pulled over old Ferrel high five by the cops.

The other guy.

They would they would, you know, pull me over and say that sticker is taking up too much of your your view, and I'm like, I'll peel it up, sir. In a set in a town of sixty thousand. I didn't give a fuck and I kept it on. Yeah, because it's the PEPs.

Did you see that?

Was it seth Myers or fallon? They did the drum off?

Yeah, that was fine. I actually thoroughly enjoyed that. And because you know, I like comedy and I just.

Like drums, I was like, hell yeah, going together. Well they look alike though, it was where all Ferrell because they look the same and they dressed the same.

They really looked a lot like they look. It was very funny. It was hard not to very much think it was funny. And I'm not I'm not a big Will Ferrell guy. Wow. Yeah, sorry man.

He was our first subscriber. But what else I don't give a fuck.

Yeah, sorry, that's how we are.

Yeah, this isn't a Funnier Die thing where you can just say no and get rid of it, because you are here to stay.

Gun's blazing right now.

It's part of Funnier Die. That's why I said, that's right.

Not just bringing funnier die into it, but clarifying the connection between the two in the interest of insulting will fer that's clarity.

I show my work.

Is virgin Atlantic what we're looking for.

It's virgin America. Okay, Atlantic is for the British people.

Is that true?

You know England? One month ago? Yes, I was in Buxton, and then Brixton and then West just Shia. That's in the UK, part of Great Britain, but mostly Britain and also in the United Kingdom. Those are all when I was there, because I really was there.

Okay, there we go, that's what I was.

Yeah, he was just looking for an American voice to tell what was really happening.

And that's my British voice is a liar can voices didn't and uh and uh everyone. I didn't know the difference between Great Britain and the United Kingdom, and there isn't a difference as far as I go ahead, superstar, Yeah, why did you get more family members tattooed on your elbow? Oh? Yeah, this is my Montana arm.

Did you get in trouble because of the Great Britain UK thing?

No? No, I did ask it hesitantly. I almost got in trouble when I said.

So woo woo woo.

What's the difference, you guys? How's a pound different from a cuckoo quid? And there is no difference, by the way. But yeah, United Kingdom, you would think. But Great Britain same thing. If someone disagrees with me, go ahead and tweet at us.

What is the difference.

Maybe Scotland is involved with the United Kingdom and Great Britain is just the English England part.

Because it's just England. Yeah, oh so Great Britain and is like a masturbatory thing.

Yeah, yeah, like Britain weren't great. Yeah, in the United Kingdom is like what you say when you're wearing a suit and not jerking off.

I just got back into this conversation that brought me back to you.

Are we that is it not fun for you? Karen? What do you have a date?

This van putting his arm out, his tattooed arm out with his slicked back hair to stop me, instead of like going can I get in? But instead of like here, let me in because it's me with the tattooed.

He's attracted to him.

Karen likes a rebel.

I do I hate him? For I hate him for being so beautiful that white.

Van even more attractive to you about him, isn't it. He bossed me around and his I love a slightly larger vehicle than mine. Sticker.

I could see the sticker. I'll describe it. It says, iHeart. And there's a picture of a school bu and this guy's driving a white Uh. Oh, that's so great. God, damn it, God, Chris, you're all right? Yes? Yeah.

Also it's hot, but it's hot as fuck.

Turn it up. Yeah, I can turn down the mic that is aimed exactly at the thing. It doesn't matter. We have the sights and sounds of the road.

It's so true. We should roll a windows down.

Chris, you want to, I don't care it. Yeah.

Those Jackhammer birthday August first, August first.

So you're a leo?

Yes I am. Do you know anything about that?

My sister's leo. My sisters really bossy, really large and in charge.

My sisters room really mine.

That's what you guys are like.

My sister is a leo, and I she would totally thank god. She let me into her room, taught me all about music and even in uh, in their twenties, you know I she's older than me. We'd like to sleep in the same bed on Christmas Eve.

So wake up.

Yeah, it's fun. Yeah, just the two of you, just the two UBOs. Sorry I was gonna do that.

What uh wait? So I'm like your sister.

Oh yeah, Virgin America.

You're like my sister. Her sister's bossy.

Yes, Virgin America America. Well, whose sister am I like? Before I get out, I want to know.

I feel like, no, I don't think you're like my sister. I don't really believe in horoscopes. I just like to think about Oh.

I like to think about it too.

I like to think about people because it hurts my feelings.

It does to be Leo, well sometimes it does. I'm like, oh, that is like me, I gotta change or whatever. And those are the times where I'm like this stuff is true right when they're like you're confident and self assured and like, this stuff's bullshit, it's not right right. This is for goofing.

If it's you have trouble organizing things and you need to make more lists.

I read this book that was like the Sink The Secret Language of Birthdays, and it tells you it's not even your sign, it's specifically your actual birthdate. And it was like, you don't feel comfortable being a leader or a follower, so you're just kind of stuck in life. Oh wow, And I was like, oh my god, we're back. I gotta get this book.

Yeah, I definitely think again because I have both of those books. Now. I have the sacret language of birthdays and the and the sacred language of relationships, where you can look the person that you like, you can look up their birthday and your birthday and see if you're a match. It's such bullshit, but it's just fun and dumb.

Yeah, it's fine, but I don't like the fun part. I'm like, tell me why I'm.

Bad and wrong, fix me with things I don't need fixing. Oh, there's my brain. We are.

There is your brush curbside like you left it. What do you mean I can't hold this as a carry on?

Well fine, I'll just throw it in the street.

Goodbye brush.

Chris. You're great, This is great.

Thank you everybody.

Yeah, yeah, Trip, you have everything.

You need non stop. Baby, I want to plug anything.

You're going to be in New York and.

Uh yeah, I'll be in New York until July fifth. So even when this comes out, I still have a bunch of shows coming up.

People could just go to your website or maybe your Twitter.

Yes, my website this is Christhayer dot com, or on Twitter at Chris Thayer says, and that's it.

That sounds great, that's it.

Thanks so much you guys.

Thanks by Chris, Bye Chris.

Then you throw that down.

Oh and that's been another You watch another episode.

That's been another episode.

Do you need a ride?

Do you need it?

Why aar?

This has been an Exactly Right production.

Produced by Annalise Nelson, mixed by Edson Troy. Our talent booker is Patrick Cottner.

Theme song by Karen Kilgarrett.

Artwork by Chris Fairbanks. Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at dinar podcast That's d y n R podcast.

For more information, go to Exactly Rightmedia dot com.

Thank you, Oh you're welcome.