Ep. 95 - Patrick Keane

I leave, then I you wanna way back home?

Either way we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a Turmano and gage.

We want to send you off inside. Le wanna welcome you back home?

Tell us all about it. We scared her?

Was it fine?

Now?

Porn? Do you need to ride?

Welcome you ride? Do you need to ride? This is Chris.

Fairbanks and this is Karen Tilgara.

We're in the All Thanks Comedy Studio.

You can tell because uh it's quiet, and we're very calm, calm.

Low key, and the sound is impeccable.

Oh my god, you can hear uh.

Oh the tactile experience of material walls.

There this microphone, I think it picks up. There's a lady that used to mow the lawn at my grandma's and I couldn't really pinpoint what the odor was that came off of her body or what its origin was, but she was a sweet lady and this microphone smells like her, and it just I'm just thinking about my childhood.

Now, what if she has a podcast with All Things Comedy Network talking about mowing lawns? First of all, how groundbreaking that it's a woman that mowed lawns.

Oh man, thank you. Yeah, come on.

Gives up everybody.

Who says we're not moving forward.

Who says we're going backwards one thousand years at.

A speed of one hundred miles an hour thickening. Oh, we're going on a riding lawnmower to hell.

Well let's do it with our guest today. Oh hey, Patrick Keane, friend of the show.

Patrick, thanks for having me.

I didn't see you over there.

I mean I remember picking you up and driving you here because he did I need a ride.

You guys did carpool That's right, didn't record it. No, saved the glory for the studio.

We would have blown our wad early. I think if that's I hate.

That from no staying it, stay with it.

I don't believe that it blow your wad means. I don't think it's a sexual reference. I don't know the origin of the phrase blow my wad. Oh go ahead, Yeah, it's probably a musket thing.

Yeah, because that's what they.

Call it's a musket thing, and then it got repurposed. Ye yeah, probably, yeah, I think so I'm going to take it.

I just feel like the sexual definition. It's really taken over.

Yeah, it really has.

I mean, well, we recorded a happy birthday tune for Henry, so we didn't talk anything. What we're going to talk about here?

Yeah, yeah, we were just Happy birthday, Henry Phillips. That's all we did.

He sang it now in a video, little phone video and phone video.

Yeah.

Yeah, we're already going back in time.

We made it.

I'm talking with my parents.

We made a cellular cellular.

Film and send it to him and he was happy.

Yeah, he was happy to see it.

That's very nice.

So happy birthday, Henry.

Now do boys normally do things like that?

Sure?

Remember birthdays and then sing in two part harmony.

I like to imagine with a car.

I'm not I don't know how to harmonize. I'm not good at that.

But my dad, my sister, my sister made me a calendar with everyone's birthday on it so I would know, really.

I'm with your friends and family.

Yes, it's a calendar solely so I won't miss my nephew and my niece's birthday.

Oh that's nice. Yeah, wait to mine there, you might be. Let's get me in okay.

When is here? Is just to be safe. I'll ask you don't ask because you already know.

That's right. Mine's May eleventh.

May eleventh, five eleven.

We have some time, okay, Yeah, get ready. When's yours?

September twenty seventh, Happy birthday, very much. Yeah. I was in Canada three straight years. I was in Calgary at that club.

Oh the comedy k How was it?

It was interesting. It's always an interesting week. Tuesday to Sunday. That's a long week. Yeah, six nights, Yeah, six nights. It's a long week. Two shows a night or one one Friday Saturday too.

But I'm a band from that club, that's right.

Yeah?

Oh good?

Yeah?

Did you get into a fight?

No?

No, I work came up that was legit, like a commercial or something, and I had to call the last minute and say I can't go there.

I'm really sorry.

And he yelled at the top of his lungs on the phone, and I said, well, it's going to try and work something out and just come for the weekend. But you're yelling at me, so so by let's I'll find another way to go to Calgary.

I actually like when performers just get barred from clubs. It's good because it's never really the performer, you know. It's like, who would want the performer not to pursue a better career, Like, oh, oh that's great, you did that. Okay, come back after you tape the show and we love to have you. We'll find somebody. It's not like they need to work that hard to find an emergency fill in.

No, No, they just want to let me feel bad. Well.

Also, that is not part of it, though, when you're dealing with kind of small town show business. I always found that It's one of the main reasons I wanted to leave San Francisco so bad. It was the club managers after the improv closed. The other club managers really seem to love just lording everything over the comics, just like you have to stand in a line, you have to wait, like all that shit where I was just like, this is has nothing to do with comedy or who's good.

Down the road from That's right it is.

Yeah, so it makes sense that it would bleed up into the area it bled up.

That's that explains why the first time I did the punchline.

I was d lust.

That's fun.

Still running.

I don't know.

I think I'm banned from there for commenting on there being a Dave Matthews lyric tattooed on her arm.

I'm really sorry.

I've listened to some of that band's other songs and they're not that bad.

Yeah, yeah, I like them.

I like when they're riffing. It's good. Maybe I don't like it when they're roughing. I like their pop stuff. This mic really stinks, really yeah, no offense, I don't. It's just the foam. You know, there's a lot of spitting.

But I said the lady was sweet, So did she smell bad? But you still had a good experience.

I wouldn't explain the smell it's sweet. I would go more tart.

She was tart.

She was a tart smelling lady.

So even though it brings back good memories.

It's still no.

No.

I was just trying to like, is it like lawn clippings and bo combined or like not flossing.

Well, it's gonna I'm gonna come off as more graphic.

I'm gonna sound like she's she just didn't.

Wash a lot, and on her body there was different nooks and crannies that maybe didn't get a lot of attention, but she man, she moded. Her calves were just veiny, giant it looked like Popeye's arm. And but she had like a big giant belly and these giant boobs and a shaved head and really thick glasses.

And she was she was intimidating. She was like a bitch. She we didn't always need the lawn mode.

She sounds like a fertility statue.

She was like, yeah, you remember the marble sculptures, the way they used to sculpt.

She had that class sick body that they used to put into marble.

Uh huh, just like and that's what that'll be the wrong warrior. When you were a kid, so it was the early ladies maybe, yeah, you were cutting grass by the time, probably the late ladies, early.

Night Yeah, yeah, this was my grass cutting days were where I was working in it. She used to come into the shirt shop too, and we didn't even have grass.

She just came in. She was everywhere, she walked all around town.

You're saying she likes shirts, she oh, we made.

Our shirts for her lawn business. I'd have to do some.

The guy that worked for me, if he was here, he would clarify everything.

Let's get him on the horn.

I can't remember.

Yeah, yeah, how do you think she voted? Oh?

I think she's probably moved on to a better place at Yeah, I.

Mean just out of town in Canada.

Yeah.

Yeah, So we're going to say how we voted, and then what we hope happens to mine already and illegals in this country.

Ready, go Pat?

Yeah, yeah, I vote. I'm white, male, heterosexual of Orange County, and I thought that I voted Hillary, and I was like, wow, if I'm voting Hillary, then it's gotten to everybody right, like we're safe, Like I'm sure all the women in Orange County will be you know, like because I thought housewives. I've seen how growing up these housewives.

Of the television programs, like going to parties and whatever, listening watching men, husbands, fathers, you know, vot vocalize their opinions.

But then and and in front of everybody, the housewives agree. But then when they're driving carpool, they're like, actually I really this yea. So I'm like, oh, there's enough of that going on that enough women will vote, even in conservative areas for Hillary and everyone. And it didn't have.

So many people didn't vote right, so many people didn't vote.

It's it's like it's really a punch in the gut. Like I didn't think it'd be close. Yeah, And I don't know minority I don't know, like black people and Arabs. I was already concerned about. You know, now I'm like, oh, my Jewish friends might be in trouble now like I thought they were in the clear. Yeah, they might even you know, who knows what's going to happen. Yeah, we're in the nuts.

It's like it's almost like we were all standing next to the ocean on a nice cliff watching the sunset and just like it's going to go down and it's gonna come up tomorrow, and it goes down, doesn't come up, and then the ground underneath this, uh, just erodes into the sea.

And then when we all just fall into it.

Yeah, that's kind of when the sun doesn't come up, and then we look further into the horizon and see there's a maintenance man trying to plug in the sun with a giant extension.

And they're like, you're gonna have to submit some paperwork to get this plug back in.

Yeah, and then he's getting fired because he's not from here.

It's fucking insanity.

Oh god, yeah, yeah, well yeah.

Also I have that thing of like, I feel like they're people who were very the people who were presentationally pro Trump, but would get into the I don't know why I thought this, but would get into the voting booth, and because they're just in there by themselves, would like vote with their heart and do the right thing, and also vote for like a historical candidate.

A woman should lead this country.

I mean, it's absolutely necessary at this point with the shit that's going on now. And I honestly just had that security of knowing like people do the right thing, and I think.

No one's bad and the right thing.

For me, I just thought everyone didn't like this guy and just wasn't yelling and ranting about it. Although I really thought that most people, even in banjo yodling areas, I really thought that they go, well, not really, he just I find him entertaining.

But of course I'm not going to vote for him, but someone I mean, I know, I know, I'm wearing overalls and a hat that references farting, but I'm not going to vote for the sky. But no, everyone even.

Well, but they were talking about I mean, I don't know enough about politics or whatever, but somebody was saying this, which I think is very valid, which is like, you know, when the economy fell in two thousand and eight, there's so many poor people in this country now that like when you're on the coast or if you live above a certain pay rate, you don't experience it and you

I know what we're going to do. So of course you would.

It's someone that's finally coming to pick you up after you've been abandoned. Yeah, that makes sense to me. Once someone actually explained that, I was just like yes, I don't.

I guess I didn't notice how often he was promising that because.

I wasn't. Was he always saying that He's like, I'm going to save poor people.

He said everything, yeah he said, and in immediately like bold.

State like I love the veterans, I love the fireman, I love I love poor people, I love the you know, he just said stupid little simple sentences that people were like, oh, it must be true.

I don't know what to believe me. Always put his fingers believe me, believe.

We're going to get isis. Believe me. Believe me, that's your plan. And people are like, okay, like hook line and sync.

Because it's that weird dad energy of like that one hand on the hip kind of like you listen, I'm taking care of business. And then we're also used to that kind of like oh, yeah, the man's going to go get this business taken care of.

Like you need to trust that.

Yeah, there is there is a there's a linguist that broke down his speeches and the way that he put the way the certain words, the inflection on certain words, and the simplicity of his sentences and how they were just scrambled to have to end on a I'm not explaining this well, but there's a video that explains and he even suggests that he's speaking, you know, at a seventh grade reading level.

Hillary was at like twelfth grade or eleventh grade.

Or something, and Bernie was at college speaking to college students. According to the way their sentences were broken down.

It's a really interesting YouTube video.

Yeah, it's really great, and it's not it's pretty. It's just this guy who's not stating his opinion. He's almost bowing down to his ability to speak influentially within influence, and and then showed examples of it, and it was it was really impressive, like he highlighted the words that and how easy it was for him to get to them, and how if someone's barely paying attention or doesn't have the mental capacity on every word, he will be the

Two weeks ago when I was spinning on this.

Anyway, there's so many examples. That's that Samantha Bee thing, because now we just have to try and entertain ourselves with the past.

Well, when when Swartzener was governor, it was like, well he looks presidential. Oh okay, is that is that the only fring criteria?

But also I would disagree. He looks like he looks like someone's bodyguard. Like he always looks so weird in those suits to me.

Yeah, But his face, it's when he's like grumpy and making a face and looking not making any expressions at all. He does look kind of like a face on Rushmore, a little bit like he looks carvable on the side of a mountain.

That's all I really want.

It's carvability. Will that's the most important.

Every time every time I vote, I'm like, how will they look twelve foot tall in limestone?

In history? Yeah?

And actually he was just concerned about his secret family when he had his brow furrowed like that, he was just like, have.

I hidden them well enough? Does anyone know? Yeah?

And for him Trump, you know, like Trump's so far he's like the furthest person the American nation could provide that you'd vote for, like or relate to. Yeah, it's like what.

And don't you think it's weird that he looks so much like the Brexit guy from England?

Oh?

What's that? I don't think I know what that guy looks like.

He's got like crazy bleached blonde hair. Also like they look the same.

It's and I just don't know.

If I was a conspiracy theorist, I would be losing my mind right now because this all had just smacks of like there's five companies that own all of the news outlets. That's why you're never seeing anything accurately. They're reporting this bright bark guy as that. No one's using the word races, no one using the word white nationalists. They're just saying extreme like it's all the stuff where you're just like, ooh, this is everything everyone's been talking about.

That these are all characters and that Andy Kaufman hasn't.

He's still alive. I've been hearing that theory.

Is that what you'd like to have it be?

Yeah?

Yeah, it's just Andy Kaufman. He's really at this game. He's so good.

Is England happy with bregsit? We know? Do we know anything about that?

As hell?

I believe they're not not happy, and they're trying to reverse it.

Themselves, right, So that means in a month we're going to be like or two months or whatever it's been, we're gonna be like, oh no, we'll take Killery now, like, oh well, that's all They're done in November.

I think it's not a waste of time to there's these I think change dota org or move on dot org. They have these petitions where you can contact the actual specific electoral college members, these mysterious electoral college people, or just there's another one where it's just has there's a recount for December sixteenth or nineteenth, because she did get the popular vote. So it can't hurt to go to those things and sign those petitions, I don't think.

Except for if they if it starts a civil war, because those people want to fight really bad. I've never had so many eggs calling me names on Twitter. All right, I mean it's crazy, and I've done like two political tweets.

It's crazy.

I did a really dumb one light. I was feeling bad and I went after he won. I just went to a bar by myself, like a loser and drank and started fighting with friends from high school. And I said something on Twitter that someone said, hey, you have to take that down, and I did, but some guy with an American flag for a face a screenshot and passed it around. And I legitimately have been getting death threats and they make me.

A little nervous. But I just keep blocking those people and now, but that's what.

They say to everybody.

Bobcat gold Through, I did a show a Largo last night, and the same thing's happening to Bobcat. And he didn't even he was just sent his daughter a message like we on need to stick together and we're gonna be okay or whatever. And he's been getting death threats and you know, it's just a barrage. They're just being the

It's like, what a time for that.

If it did happened, they were sure would kick our asses. We don't. I don't. I don't even know how to hold a gun and I don't have access to Well.

I loved your post because we're in Montana. We did that festival to gun and you shot a gun once and you're like, you posted. I was happy because you posted shot it great. I don't get it.

I don't get I it was a gun.

Granted, it was a handgun that shot a shotgun shell like a handheld shotgun. I'm like, that one looks because it's got a big barrel. And I shot it and my I think I had a bruise on my whole arm and I taste immediately tasted blood in my mouth, and I'm not like the.

Blood of the innocent.

It was horrifying how clearly you could kill someone with a gun, and that feeling is so scary.

I don't. I don't know.

I'd hate guns, but those people that in the South, they like them, and so yeah, if there was a civil war, holy cats. Yeah, I don't just trying to reason with people and be witty like I used to get out of fights.

Where would the line be. The line would be like in Long Beach between LA and Orange County.

The line would be around my body and it would be made up shot because I'm sorry.

No, no, the Mason Dixon, Chris Fairbanks con too. But yeah, I mean all these little islands would be you know, my sitch lives in Jackson Hall. You were raised in Missoula. I mean these little islands of liberal bastions.

And yeah that are struggling right now.

Yeah, that's nuts. Yeah, I don't know. People voting against their own economic interest, I don't get. I don't know if it's just like if it's own a white male, we're losing our grip, so they they tapped into that fear. But like I'm like, you know, Hillary is better for your economic situation to twenty of the states that voted against her, I don't know.

I honestly wonder if she was isn't a Clinton, if it was like Elizabeth Warren, if it would have worked, because it's the ability for them to spin like this is the old government that got you where you were, so you can't go back to that. That logic makes

Yeah, I don't know.

If only they had gotten a divorce and we were voting for Rodham, that's like that name.

Imagine that. That's not a powerful name. It sounds like an English English explosion band.

I mean, nobody was more like prepared Nixon and Bush Senior very prepared, whether their legacy is good or not. I mean, he was a VP for a while, and then George Senior was head of China, he's head of the CIA. She was a VP, like she was the first lady. She was a senator, she was a Secretary of State. Nobody's more prepared.

Yeah, even more so than those guys were.

Yeah.

Yeah, she was ready to do it and wanted to do it and would be surrounded by great people.

Yeah, I think so. I think I think maybe the campaign wasn't great.

And now we have Newt Gingrich again.

Yeah.

I can't believe he's back in the the poors, back in towns, scarious boys that have ever been in town or back boys.

Yeah, I think that.

The boys are back in town. That's a different.

No, that's a different Yeah. Yeah, it's hard. And then there's a and that's a powerful stuff, and that's powerful. There's a song where they're like, I think I'm in love and that's powerful stuff. There's such men that they don't want to know that that's an emotion and their experience.

I love that that's the label they give to Yeah, well that's pretty powerful stuff.

I guess you could power an engine.

Better propose powerful stuff.

Yeah, would you say earlier, you're like, that feeling is supposed to be for my mom? What's going on?

And yeah, there's plenty of the fabulous thunderbirds really are going to be playing. Every time Trump and gain Rich walk out hand in hand to that podium, don't forget about mutually shoot a gatling gun above the audience.

Meanwhile, there's Mike pens in the background. Just planning on all the ovaries that he can invade. That man is he's the worst I've never heard of it, right, And that's why. And they hate him there, and they're conservative and they hate him.

That's why I'm glad that they're protecting. They're putting barriers up around Trump Plaza and everything, making sure no one assassinate.

And I'm getting board with that. Yeah, let's keep them alive, alive.

Let's keep them in a cryogenic chamber next to Disney's severed head.

Put him in that keeper, a Sutherland separate room, keep him in the survivor's room, please, yes, Yeah, because Pences, it creeps me out how quiet he is. He's just he's never He's just always in the back with his weird death eye sockets, smiling and planning on how he can somehow invade your womb.

It's just the grossest thing of all time.

Just standing in the back, which which I mean, you're a cat.

I heard New York was a little bit like it was here, where it's just you're walking around. It's like a morg people just death on their faces. Yeah, and it's just the weirdest energy.

I had a friend there that said it was just which is what I said to her. It's that it was really quiet, which is the creepiest thing.

Like for me, that was oddly the day after it was eleven nine.

It's crazy.

A lot of people have probably pointed that out now, but at first to notice Yeah, in this podcast no on a tweet I read, oh.

Yeah, I did have to get off Facebook for my own survival, I think, or for all of ours. Just it's just too much from both sides, even you know, I was like, even mad at my own side. I'm like, how did we let it? Like this was a joke a year ago?

Well, and the Democrat Now everyone's infighting. There's all this stuff of whose fault it was and you should be talking and who should It's like you can see it playing out.

Of what the problem is.

I know, and I'm doing that. I am too point fingers. I'm like, why who did this?

Well, of course we do, like we it's something traumatic has happened, and.

Makes like also they kept track and statistically you can see who didn't vote, So.

One I read them is one out of a.

Lot of people just didn't vote. Every one didn't vote.

Yeah, Latin voters, one out of three Latin voters voted Trump, which I was blown away by. Yeah, yeah, but I don't know, you know, I don't know those needs. I guess clearly, I'm just naive. I'm mad at my own self. I'm like, why am I naive? Like, like I was telling you before that red when because it was later in the day, it was like three or four, I was like, oh, I should check it out, see where we are. And to see that much red, I was like, oh my, I felt like the attack was coming up

I think there's one of the main problems on the Democratic side is everybody wants to be the smartest, so there's a lot of well, here's actually what's happening, and here's really what's and here's what you don't need to worry about.

And I feel like that was.

I feel like everybody lulled each other into that kind of like and here's what's really happening and you and like that. I read an article about how there was a massive Latino turnout for Clinton like the day before or so, and so I was just like completely real axed because I was like, well, that's those are the numbers that we need, especially, you know, like and that is completely not trying.

I think those Yeah, yeah, it's there was so much, so many things that just weren't true that we were being said to reassure us.

Yeah, it just.

Didn't happen when one in your mind was the.

First time we've walked there.

And clearly.

I'm going to go fuck with the sound level.

He's a serious white supremacist and he's very offended right now.

No, No, he's he's sad even as a shirt on today, no expressing it.

Yeah, really about sadness.

Yeah, well you're killing me smalls. And it's from the movie The Sand Long. Uh.

Yeah, when when they took when he took Florida, that's when, I mean, I don't know what it was for you. The moment.

Yeah, I think Wisconsin was where I got scared because I thought, yeah, there was just those lingering states. It's like it's okay, even some of them were light blue, predicting that she had them.

Because it was at that North Carolina was going to go to I.

Think when it was light blue or light red, it was just based on popular votes coming in. Isn't the who knows when the electoral shit happens or when or what?

I don't even know what it is. That's why I'm done.

I really don't know what the electoral college is.

It like it's it's like Phoenix University.

You can sign these electoral state and it'll just go upload to their website where people go do their homework at the electoral college.

What was your tweet?

We all have electoral electile electyle and I tweeted America has electoral dysfunction.

Was before mine?

But yeah, yeah, I had a picture of a guy on a bed with his wife disappointed in the background.

Now I went that extra mile. But that means Patrick o'patrick means it's word.

He doesn't need to he just needed that.

I he is a visual aid. Mine had more retweets. But the point is, I'm just what funny.

I don't even know what it does for. I don't even think anybody's read it.

Oh, punk rock is coming back hip hop. It's gonna get good again.

I was gonna.

I was trying to write a joke about that last night, and I didn't have the energy. But because I did a show last night and it was very bizarre, like it was just weird. I opened by walking out and saying goodbye to everybody, like just walking up to people and being like, thank you so much, and they were like laughing by I could tell they didn't like it.

Of course, I wrote a couple things at the top, but it's.

That thing of like like there's a couple of people that got on stage and were just like this is fucked and like talking about it and being really emotional, and the audience loved it because it was you know, it's like an echo chamber.

It was everybody. It's Hollywood, you know, a bunch of mostly at least you.

Had had the day after you had your show at the Improv. You have business class, and none of us want to go out. We're trying to cancel it. And but it ended up being really therapy.

Oh yeah, that was the one that was closest.

Yeah, that was the next day and we were like, well we can't.

Oh you had to get on Wednesday night or Thursday night.

Yeah yeah.

And the oh you had to do that show with us?

Yeah, yeah you have to.

Yeah, I'd love to. Of course, is it once a month or something?

It's a year, so we'll see, you know, I don't know. I asked that, yeah, once months a month.

But night after that's again the audience you could tell was kind of drained. Everyone was like in a daze.

Well, we tried to cancel and April tweeted it or texted Tambalaira to say like, should we cancel the show?

Does anyone even want to do this?

And Sam goes, well you have sold ten tickets, and that like broke my heart. I was like, there's ten people that meet us, and I was like, April, this is what this job is for, like we have to go do this show. Yeah yeah, And then more people came and it turned out to be super fun, but it was really weird, yeah, because there was at one point April wanted to plan a show, which I thought was a great idea where it was we were going to have all women and you be on the show as like the celebration.

And then the closer it got, I was.

Like, should we just keep the people we already booked, because maybe that's let's just not you know, overplan.

The audience was mostly women again, right, Yeah, it felt I like that. I didn't I like an audience at all.

Yeah, I thought it would make me nerve. I thought, No, I mean, you know.

My material, it's like, oh, which masturbation joke is going to hit home with these girls the hardest?

And which one did this time? Apparently?

I think the one I think on the cobwebbing one. Now that's about farting. The point is they like, I have frat boy locker room jokes, and yeah, still appreciated me.

So I was. But I did the night before the election opening for Tig and Fortune performed as well, and it was really cool because it was the night before

That's the part that I was just saying this to somebody where I haven't even really approached those feelings yet. Yeah, of the profound disappointment of what I actually wanted to happen when I thought was going to happen and was actually kind of projecting and getting ready, which would just be the coolest thing in the world. And instead it was like it went past disappointment and into holy fuck on the Titanic, which is the way like every once

There was this.

Little window of time where a lot of us honestly believe we're about to have our first female president, and then that window fucking slam shut on our head.

Essentially.

So many of my friends that have little girls said the same thing on their face, because where else you go but Facebook, But they were saying, my little girls went to sleep so excited and then they woke up to the opposite of Christmas and they like cried, you know, little girls everywhere were like went to bed all excited. Their parents were like, this is really important, and little girls were like, oh I yeah, I'm on board.

I get it.

Yeah, Like yeah, so that's bums me out, but anyway, yeah I didn't.

The only thing I.

Think is funny is the idea of the Secret Service, if the first ever Secret Service that are aren't willing to jump in front of a ball like they're like, oh I thought I could make it, but my lady cramped up.

I was supposed to drink more water.

They got him.

Man, sorry, stupid, I'm dehydrated. Literally, man, usually I would have been giving diving right in front of that. Damn.

This lay bumny, making Frank Underwood look normally the gum is that house cards or how it is? Yeah, it's just you rotten fuck.

At no point, at no point did Frank Underwood's character of sex with a child sex party, which I under one hundred percent.

Believe he did.

Is that the rape allegation.

That against Yeah, she dropped it because they wouldn't. I mean, of course she's not gonna.

I said that nice little payoff or threats or both.

Yeah.

Yeah, did you see in Patent's Most Special.

She's seventeen now, so come on now, I just now it just high five the guy, right, good lord?

Anyway, in Patten's Most Patten's Most recent Special earlier this year, where he said we're so overdue for a female leader and did you sign if, he talked about how so many great editors of film have been females because the Maheli go is like a director is like, here's a thousand hours of footage. It's a shame we have to turn into just two hours. And he has to give it to a female editor who's like, here, let me make some sense and find a plot.

And it's oh, that's funny.

And he says he compares it to like one of the guys, you know, having sex with a woman and he's ejaculating. He's like, oh, there's a lawyer, Oh there's an architect. Oh, Nobel Peace Prize winner. And it takes a woman to go, okay, let me go take your seed and form essential nervous system and a baby and go through the iseman.

And it's so oh yeah, that's so good.

Oh wow, yeah that is that is out there and that's amazing.

He's great.

So you On that Largo show, Patton also went up, did you follow him?

Because I imagine it?

Yeah, I close for well, I mean I bet people were also emotional just because of how much has he been doing stand ups?

Oh yeah, and he talks about it, of course he did.

Yeah, No, he he came out talked a little bit. At the beginning Blaine hosted It was me and bobcat.

Any awkwardness you felt on stage was maybe also because of that, because they were probably like at close to tears hearing him do stand up.

Yeah, he's been doing it a little bit though. But yeah, and also I feel like everybody, I here's the thing. I kind of like, I feel like everyone's moving into this stage of vulnerability is like forced vulnerability that everyone

This year has been so awful. My fucking wife died and like.

Everybody people weren't going like, oh, don't talk about that. People were like leaning forward and loving it.

You're right, like even I feel like I need to start talking about what I actually feel my stand up and I've always been I've always just made up jokes.

That's what I do about.

I'm hiding. I'm running further. Some people are getting more touch further. You're somewhere like over there, like I should run for office, you know, like, don't worry about those wars we have gamer like I don't. I'm better at that. I'm worse at stand up after sixteen years than when I never started.

Your instincts are probably correct.

Un No, to just do jokes and try and be funny and not change the kind of person you are on.

Stage maybe yeah.

But I can't. I've been it's been eating away at me for a while.

Anyway.

I love you.

I'm not Mitch Hedberg man.

I love your I still love your Three Stooges joke that you don't really tell.

Oh, I forgot to remember that one. I forgot about it.

Do it well, it's all it's conversational. I can well, it's just every no one usually only men like the Three Stooges, like it's they're just it's s guy humor and it's not even good.

It's not no, it's violent, it's funny.

There's something specific about The Three Stooges is every episode there are some kind of independent contractors and or they're like usually construction.

Markers or they're they're always doing a or job.

But sometimes it's real specific, like they'll just it's the Civil War and their dentists and they're ill equipped, or they are supposed to bake a really fancy cake. Sometimes it's lighthearted like that, or one episode they had to fix like a jewelry box and it was very it's like my mother's jewelry was in this, I need this box,

The plyers on a tongue, oh yeah.

And twisting it that you're right, pliers on the tongue is the worst.

So and then the person comes back and it's like, why there's the windows are broken and there's blood everywhere.

And then they don't do the job.

Well, yeah, the joke is, if it's a consolation, it was kind of funny to some of the men in the room. And then it says, well, that's the last time I hired three stooges plumbing to bake me a fancy cake.

And it never really.

Did that, but the idea is so beautiful. They keep getting enjoyed, and you also said, wasn't.

Who keeps referring them keeps?

And then you break down all that. You're like, they had to move a piano twice or something like on two different episodes.

I need to do you need to tell me how it used.

To do a lock of ice. Remember the block of ice they had to get up to the apartment. They couldn't get a block of ice up this apartment in the middle of summer in Manhattan. I would think that they're in New York.

Melting the stakes where he's really high. They just don't work together.

Well, oh god.

We used to have pizza, Like go to the pizza parlor after softball games when I was little and.

They played three stooges. Yes, it was it Little Big Men Pizza.

Uh No, I think it was Shaky's.

A Little Big Man Pizza. In Missoula, Montana. They played three stooges all on a loop. Yeah, that's crazy.

But did you to pizza place like that too? We did.

It was like in the Bay Area, right, yeah, in Pedaloma in my hometown. And when it was they would do like it would be Laurel and Hardy. Sometimes it would be three Stooges, and then it would be like cartoons like Tom and Jerry. And when it was three Stooges, I would leave because it was upsetting to me, like they were very there were weird looking men. They're not attractive men. Like they're they look they're mean in the face, and they're mean to each other.

MO is scary.

Mo is very scary.

And it would just be like this weird feeling where it's just like I am not going to be in here.

Well this is on.

How did they I mean, if you watch it now there they're physical comedy.

They are funny yo people.

But this thing where one of them there's a block for getting poked in the eye where on their nose, Like you get poked in the eyes so much by your brother or whoever this person is, you have to make up a move to keep his fingers out of your eyes.

Yeah, most of the defensive moves are the best comedy in that just have it just yeah. And then the distraction of like having your hand wave around, it's like, well, it's going to hit me at some point. I just got to keep my eye on this wavering hand too late right in the eyeballs. The fact that you would go for the eyeballs in a fight is.

Just I do like the talk they had the leggy blonde. Remember she's always the she's always kind of the love interest or the there's like I don't remember, they're always the shortest three in the episode, and then there's two older guys that are bigger, and then there's a leggy blonde. And they played like they played chiks, they played politicians, they played chefs as well or whatever, and it's like you can hire other people, you're making good money here

No, but they're good. The Marx Brothers is like.

Oh, the dialogue is amazing.

Insanely funny and amazing how often.

I mean I got into it late. But Buster Keaton, have you guys ever watched that guy? I mean, he's Jackie jan basically, Yeah, there's it's They were playing a bunch of Buster Keaton movies at that Silent movie theater, sin a family cine family.

And I couldn't believe.

There's a moment where he's on a building and he leaps onto one of those train crossing signs, like the what would you call that, like the it's just up, it's up vertical, and he jumps on it and it slowly lowers and you can see the crank on it, like spinning so fast, and somehow they made it smoke and then a model t Ford goes by it like twenty miles an hour and he drops into it and his neck whips back. It is such he could have

It did break his back. But he shot the rest of the movie like he's Jackie Chen. Yeah, and he was.

And then the act because you know those are silent films, but all of his acting is really subtle, uh face comedy, like he's not overdoing it at all.

I'm such a big fan of Buster.

Yeah, he's amazing.

And his eyes because his eyes were so huge that like he didn't have to do that much.

Yeah, yeah, he was in his eyes and he's wearing an eyeliner that always helps him.

Yeah, I recommend it.

Yeah, even even he played Hitler eyeliner.

Who did Oh Chaplin played did Hitler?

They all played Yeah? No, you got me confused. I like Keaton, Morton, Chaplin do you Yeah? There all say it. This is where I start getting.

This is where people get really.

Yeah, you have to choose. You can't like him both?

Can I still feel weird?

Aside?

Do you think, uh, Gingrich looks like Moe. How that's a.

Similar Oh my god, right, he's the same face, it's the same hair.

That same lower. I can't believe he's back.

Yeah.

Boors Towns just.

Such a murderer's row of superstars.

Oh god, ain't that tough. That's the other song.

Buster Keaton had a lot of that town. Now. I got to look up the forty eight hour song because it's that tough enough.

It's the boys up back in town that. I think. It's like Bob Seeger or somebody he did all those eighties and the was like two dudes running around.

Yeah, like shake down, breakdown about it.

Oh, I think they could get sued for all these I think so.

Yeah, Well, I think that like a rock Brandon the Bone Zone played some song and.

They had to take that episode down.

Did they play it or did they sing it?

I don't know. I think they sung it.

Really, that's okay, marijuana got vote, Like Californians needed marijuana to be legal before we smoked it. It's so funny. I didn't even realize. I was like, it's not legal here. You know, most Californians were like that.

It means all those all those shops with the green neon signs can stay open.

Now.

The one thousands that have degenerates hanging out are the worst.

Yeah, just that image marijuana, Yeah.

With a bald eagle on his neck to just just an insane clown posse guy wearing lime green scrubs.

Oh are scrubs.

And if you don't, if you're not interested in getting your medical marijuana card from him, they threaten you.

Yeah.

I was on the Venice boardwalk on. Oh you don't smoke weed, you might like it? Like they all heckled you as you want.

Sorry, No, I just don't want to have a business transaction with you.

Yeah, but he's a surgeon. Why wouldn't you want to.

That's the clown knows.

When Obama got in, looked and I was like, maybe this will be the end of white people in dreadlocks. That's really what I was hoping for. It didn't happen.

It did not happen.

You see it less and less.

But yeah, they also did.

We did vote in California for those two education reform bills that are going to be very good, because that's what we need. That's how we don't have this happen again because everybody gets an fucking education for themselves.

Oh right, yeah, like years down the line. Yeah, that's what we should focus on now.

Yeah, well it'll affect my sister, like next year they get money. I mean, like the school. It's so crazy when my sister tells me things. She's been a like a grammar school teacher for thirty years.

Oh my gosh, and she tells me.

Shit where I'm just like I'll either cry or just be like, please don't tell me this because I don't know what to do. Like she buys all the supplies.

Oh god, are you kidding me?

Oh yeah, salary supplies.

Yes, even more afusingly because my sister is a librarian for kids that age and everyone she works with she had to keep her political opinions to herself because they all voted for Trump and their teachers.

Wow.

So it's like, but it's.

That was not the top priority, like kids, health, safety, education, and educate it's so far and then your health and safe durning that, But how is that not the top priority or like one of the top three.

Because it doesn't scare you. It doesn't scare you.

If somebody says the schools are crumbling, the children are you know, there's like pools of water on the ground or whatever.

That doesn't I already went to school.

Yes exactly.

But if someone says that the foreigners are going to invade, or they already have, they're here, Now, what are you going to do? Well, that actually strikes alarm in people. So that's what they focus on.

There's going to be so much haype crime that is going to be just overlooked. It's going to happen all the time. It's so scary. Sorry, sorry, that's happening now.

No, it is, No, it already started here.

But but the good news is that Trump on this two minutes interviews said stop it.

So I think that's going to.

Take everyone's going to watch did you hear that? Watch that sixty minutes interview?

Did you see then? Did you guys see this Chappelle's.

He said, the wall isn't going to be that tremendous anymore. It's just going to be pretty good. So he's backing down. Oh oh well Trump, so yeah, he said it's going to be an okay waller or an electric fence.

He said, yeah, So.

They're never making a wall, No, of course.

Now I was surprised at that monologue.

Yes, yeah, it was. I don't watch that show much at all, so to see someone Chappelle's monologue, he was he was the host.

But I thought, every this which happens all the time, if you're like a day late in watching something, everybody's like, this is incredible, this is amazing. So then when I went to watch, I was like, get ready to have your ears blasted off. And it did not seem that way to me at all. And then at the end he said, which I'm positive I was fighting with someone about this, uh, because they were like, why would he say give him a chance?

Why would he do that?

I'm like, because this is like network television, and I'm positive to say all the things.

That he said before he had to agree.

He had to there.

I'm positive that they were like, you end it by making sure that you are not being like inflammatory and putting it on him.

I'm I'm pretty sure that's what happened.

But the whole thing just had that tone of like, it's just that I feel like the lesson that we're learning that democrats have learned is just like you can joke around all you want, but then shit's going to happen like it doesn't.

You can be smart and witty and and delve into your art over it.

Yeah, but there are people whose lives are on the line and they're just going to vote for the lifeboat that they think might be coming. It's like, is that one going to save you or that one going to save you?

Fear based stuff? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. This country operated from fear and we're doing very well. It's like, what who's at your doorstep taking? Yeah, you're stuff away? You know who? What? White person can't get it?

You're uninformed? Like that's a lot of love.

You're a cock o?

Yeah oh yeah yeah I read about that today too, about.

What is it?

How do you spell that? C U C k oh A cock?

Cock like it means a pussy mail? Yeah what that means? Yeah, so we're cocks?

Oh wow, I am proud. Did you expect that? Respond? Damn right? Cock cook? I did it on me?

Suck my cock? Yeah, I don't know. I don't know one term for this guy or will he make it through one term? I don't know.

They're gonna December nineteenth, charl College reversal sign those petitions. I mean Hey, we're living in an age where yeah, it would be the first time, but wouldn't that be cool?

I mean, it would be amazing. But I feel like civil war.

I feel like this is the time where what I'm seeing on Twitter, which I have to stop looking at it, but this is the time where like, literally, you see a person going wear a safety pit to show that you you are an ally and in support of you know, minorities or people that might be at risk, and then I see five tweets of people going, uh, yeah, hate mongers can wear safety pins too.

Like everybody was making all these safety pin jewelry and then got discouraged because there's all these things. It's like it's not helping because everyone's got an opinion. Yes, even about protesting. They're like, well, that just gonna is gonna make you complacent and then you're gonna be okay with everything because you feel you did your part. And I'm like, wow, you had to dig deep to there's no reason not

Yeah, I mean, let me fire off.

There wasn't a high black voter turn I'm gonna wear safety pin. There wasn't. Was there a high black voter turnout or a black Yes?

I think there was?

So there was, and obviously I would think mostly for Hillary.

I would think like, it wasn't it like in the eighties or ninth was it? I think so?

I felt like I read that there wasn't so much because it's I didn't know the country is fIF five percent women. Maybe I was just reading about California or something, but who knows. I can understand not being as excited.

As as a woman. Do you think there's women that didn't want to see her be the first woman? Is that another? That's all?

That's OK? That blows I understand, Well, that's.

It'd be funny if when Washington ran against Adams in this late seventeen hundreds, well I don't want him to be the first man. What the hell else you going to do? There's not a woman candidate for a thousand candidate like we'd have to go without Betsy Ross, I guess coulda run.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know that those numbers were a humongous bummer, But I mean I think that's that's.

Like, there's so much.

I feel like there's so much that everybody's dealing with in this election of like it's all mirror work. It's how much do you hate yourself? What are the levels of self hatred? And then you're projecting that out onto other people. So if you're like Hillary could never lead, that's like I couldn't.

I can't.

I'm not in control of my own life. I mean, that's what it feels like. Or if it's like if my husband wants Trump, then I'm on board or it, or they're like or I want a man because I believe those are the only people that can really be leaders, or that's all I'm comfortable with.

Yeah, this is how it goes right.

Yeah, But like you said, I thought that once, once those women were in the booths, they don't be like, now let's be realistic.

Here we go. Just my husband doesn't.

Know this, he doesn't know what I'm doing it.

But it's so loyal.

Husbands having been like being a person that sometimes has to be a leader at jobs or whatever. People are very uncomfortable with women being in charge. It's hilarious, it's crazy.

I'm not.

Okay, yeah, it's kind of nice. I've had female bosses. I don't think people twenty years older like men twenty years older than We had many female.

Boss What it is, we just got to get rid of some of these old people. I mean, I know it'll happen, but they gotta die quicker.

I mean yeah, And it's like the mad Men generation where it's like, you're supposed to be a secretary. Maybe you'll be something creative, but you certainly are not going to tell me what to do.

Old guys farting in their polyester when they're quivering hand giving one, they're voting just like me, get the go, get in the box.

I don't like old people, you know. I'm really mad at old people.

Is that who you're gonna blame?

Yeah? Yeah, old these aren't good as caring.

Okay, it's good to do that.

It is interesting because we've been mobile every time we've done well. I mean, you guys have been stationary for a while, but I haven't been stationary with you ever before.

That's right, you've done it twice, Yeah, twice.

Yeah, we had nice little rides around l A.

I remember down there around the Manti And what is what's the difference for you today?

Yeah?

What do you How do you feel about this one here?

You have to stay grounded, you have to in this one. Yeah, it's a it's a it's a drop back quarterbacks. You have to stay in the pocket with this.

You're not going to get sparked references. Can you relate it to skateboarding?

Yeah? Yeah, you stay on the ramp. Or do you want to go freelance?

Not even Yeah, well you can get a job in skateboarding with a big company where you have to show up every day, or you can skateboard out of your home and just yeah send people in voices.

Now, can you relate it to mascara and then I can understand?

Yeah, I mean you don't because Mascarrett can go in the eyes for regular parts of the year, but then on Halloween, you know, you go off the grid a little and get some ship later down your face later.

Maybe black attitude.

Yeah, we are much better at talking male ship than men are women.

I think women are better at describing their mad Max costume than you are.

Well, we have to. You guys don't have to. We have to.

My nephew is a good skateboard I was going to send him. He's only six now.

But that's too late for you to try and relate free lance.

Jesus, Wait, what were you actually trying to say though?

Oh, just because when we're when we're in the car, you can comment, oh, look, there's you know, Tommy's original Burgers, right right, yeah, and that takes us off.

On yeah.

Right, Or there's near death car accidents and stuff that'll like spice up the conversation.

But here it's like an interrogation room.

If you had do you know La so much better because you've been I mean you've seen all the streets.

Really, Yeah, I don't. I'm usually in such a hazy pin you know. But yeah, I have learned a lot about like the Hollywood area.

Like I find there's unions that I know better now because I've done this before.

Yeah, now you can do anything.

Yeah, I could deliver pizza.

I feel like it's the biggest city in the it's like seven different cities. I feel like this city and it's if you can somehow manage it in your brain. Then you can manage any city like Tokyo. Lived in Japan for a couple of years. Tokyo is more manageable than La is.

It's just really.

Yeah, it's because it's not as spread out it. You know, people moved to la there wasn't a city. They just popped up little provinces. Santa Monica, Pasadena, those are both.

What were you doing in Tokyo?

Every time I hear about someone living in Tokyo, I think they're like hiding something.

I was in exchange. Well, Montana and Japan have kind of a sister.

I know.

My whole life, we had Japanese girls in our basement. My mom would like house Japanese students.

You should have called the police.

They would just be in a room with her Mary Kay like their very cage storage room. That statement, And I just I'm not kidding. And I share a bathroom with the nice girls, and I didn't really know how.

They didn't speak English very well and they're really sweet.

I'm just remembering now. I know you guys are looking at me funny, but no. A lot of Japanese girls schools have all.

Just repeat it, you know, just it blows their mind for eyes in high school, they were in college.

Japanese people to see Montana those mountains for the first time and just that empty space, it's great. Yeah.

Yeah, that's kind of a weird slice of America, like it's a lot of Americans don't see it.

Yeah, that's crazy.

Yeah, it's still it's there's when I even when I'm back home, or if I go outside of my town, like to eastern Montana or up north by the high Line.

As they call it.

It is America one hundred years ago, and there's you don't want to have a conversation with someone about what we've been talking talking about.

But oh god, other than.

That, it's like almost no freshing that It's like, uh, you know, there's just old cabins and a wagon that are still there.

It's like, no one cleaned that up. It's it wasn't that.

Long, No, it wasn't. It's literally the older we get, the closer that gets to us somehow, you know, because it's like, oh, eighteen nineties was a little big horn or whatever.

Yeah, yeah, you know, that wasn't that long ago.

It's not really not that long.

Yeah. Well, it's nice to know we're going back in that direction.

Yeah, we're headed back.

You know, it's going to be fun.

I'm going to learn how to make biscuits and wear skirts and stuff.

What a great sketch and reality.

And I'm should I buy a gun? You got? I'm just kidding.

Yeah, I mean, I'm worried now because of the Civil War. I'm worried about my neighbors having them.

I'm not.

I was never worried about Russians parachuting down like in Red Dawn the.

Movie, except for now.

You should be yeah, yeah, that could happen. I think we have this.

I have peppers right, never mind, you're good brass knuckles, I said.

You know, the other night at a show, I said that I mentioned that I went to college in Montana, and like a whole row cheered. It was in LA and I was like what what. I was like, where are you guys from. They're like Helena, and I was like, that never happens. It never happens, you said. I went to Carol and I thought we talked for a second, and then I was like anybody else from Montana and some other group screams from another part of the room,

Wow, she's probably just fan of my comedy from a distance.

I don't think so.

Yeah, you're right, she's probably an old neighbor.

Maybe she thought it was like Fairbanks, Alaska. He's just naming cities.

What club was that?

It was Largo for TIG show And it might have been somebody that was a fan of both you guys or something. I don't know.

Wow.

Cool, But the Night before the Fall is what will go down in history. We did this to ourselves, you know, that's just like humanity did this.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's what I said when I went on. Is my friend actually wrote this joke. I had dinner with my friend beforehand and he made this joke and I'm like, can I please say that on stage tonight because it's so good? And he goes, it's like a nine to eleven that we voted for. This is really what it feels like.

It's a good one.

That's great. No shots fired. Yeah, but well he's on the way. So are all those laws that have been enacted in the last eight years just going to like start being repealed, Like, oh, no, gamer and is outlawed here.

I'm worried. I'm most worried about that.

That's what That's what he was saying.

Unbelieva, Why would we go back? Like?

Why who was saying that? On sixty minutes?

Donald Trump, he said he was going to overturn Roe versus Wade, and he was going to get rid of Obamacare.

That's going to cost forty billion dollars.

Yeah, I've read.

So we've got unwantedncy's unwanted kids and no healthcare, no health care and education. Who's going to it's a mess man and girls going for abortions to do.

Obama protected crazy at the last minute. He protected planned parenthood at least for board folks. What do you mean he signed a planned parenthood is untouchable, that is protected.

He's signed a thing.

To my knowledge, all that's good. I didn't hear about that.

Unless Rovy Wade gets overturned, it's just no one's going to shut down planned parenthoods.

Oh right, right, Yeah, Trump is saying he's going to overturn rovers Yeah, that's much bigger what.

He wants to do. I mean, uh huh.

And then women can still vote in the next election, and black people been hopefully, and we'll see what else we can get done on next for.

You away instead of abortions.

We're all going to have some weird, skittish kids standing next to us to our speech and that we've never talked to. We're just going to have some West World robot child who's tweaking out because of his face about to open up and show a circuitry board. The kid looked like the kid from Westworld who baron the kid that yeah do even though he was there, they clearly did not know they're going to win. Woke that kid up at whatever three in the morning there and propped him up.

Yeah, and he was so tired.

I feel bad that everyone's making fun me included that he was just tired, and he's look you can see in his face, he's like, I was.

Kind of hoping Clinton Clinton would win so I could have a dad.

He's like, well, now I'm never going to get to know this guy. Do I even want to That's what he's thinking in his whole head.

There goes us playing catch every weekend. Yeah yeah on the roof.

The guy's never even thrown me a glance, much less a baseball.

Poor kid getting just well had anything to.

Plug that asshole? Guest, where is the just the Twitter feed? I think?

Sure?

Sure that citizen Keene. Yeah, you'll see similar tweets by Fairbanks. So if you just follow you, that's fine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we have a lot of the same ideas.

So if you like mine, I'll go ahead and just forward YouTube one of Patrick's that are similar. And uh, watch me and some Clash Royal commercials that are on YouTube. They're kind of funny. Clash Royal, it's a video game. Oh all madrigals and some of them. He owns this place, this whole building, just this room and what are you doing?

I'm just bumming out?

Yeah, me too.

On Twitter?

Well, you guys, you've been listening to the comedy pod cast called do You Need a Ride?

D Y n A R.

Hong Kong.

Hang in there, everybody, Yeah, we'll get through it.

Oh do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride.

Do you need to ride?

Do you need.

With Karen and chriss

Mm hm