Ep. 92 - GUY BRANUM

I leave, then I you wanna way back home?

Either way, we want to be there. Doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and a turmanol and gay.

We want to send you off inside. We wanna welcome you back home. Tell us all about every scared or was it fine? Malborn?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do your need ride?

Welcome to do you need to ride? This is Chris.

Fairbanks and this is Karen Kilgarriff.

We're driving. We are driving.

We certainly are driving.

We're in a moving motor vehicle.

We're in a moving motor vehicle. And we have a guest. It's almost like the old time.

It is like the old time.

We might just take our guest to Lax, even though he has a show in town and that would be in convenient.

Forum.

We force him out of the car at Lax and be like, sorry, that's the agreement.

Sorry, you read our mission statement that we did we ever write it up?

Yep, we wrote it up. We made him sign it. He docu signed it through email.

It's too late, ladies and gentlemen, Guy Brandon this year with us today?

When will there be sweeping? Do you need a ride related legislation? When will a proposition ban podcasting? Well? Drive?

This is this year twenty sixteen. When you go to.

Vote for Trump, we also would like you to vote against this podcast.

If you could.

Sorry, as usual, I'm having your man kids and picking up. Sorry at all, darn it all. Okay, I'm gonna turn that one up.

Turn it up.

There we go.

You sound terrific. Now, I think there's a kink in the.

Yeah, maybe we're not supposed to wrap them so tight?

Is a kink in the armor?

Nope, I don't like it.

You're not allowed to say it anymore. I was just I was just being racist.

Karen, can your all of your lines from the beginning of.

Clink It Clink in the Armor? Hello, everybody, It's me Karen Kilgarriff, And I'm Chris.

This is I'm on the ones and twos.

Like I used to be, Yeah, and driving.

And uh and and the levels are off the off the hook.

Chris looks like the you know in Sesame Street where that guy would come out and they'd be.

Like ten coconut cream pies.

Maybe like balancing a bunch of pies and then he'd fall down the stairs.

Right.

Remember that that's what Chris is doing right now.

That isn't something that I remembered, but now that you say it, it sounds like something that lives in my brain.

It does. I'm old and you're young.

The only difference between me and that guy is that you never got to see him sweat, whereas right now and I anguish over these little knobs.

Literally, everyone's seen me sweat.

It's what I do.

It's kind of your act.

I went in to get acupuncture and cupping done, made popular by Michael Phelps's back. Yeah, and it was amazing. But when I went in there and shook the lady's hand, she said, you sweat a lot. You should stop drinking so much.

Karen, whoa on as she touched your hand.

Yes, I think she also looked at my tongue.

Karen, I'm not okay with guys. Guys like Chris Fairbanks benefiting from the hard work done by feminists gay rights advocates to be able to just now, in this postgender world, they can just go get cupping done. Yeah, that's right, juice, and they don't have to feel one like one iota of shame about her.

No, there's no one will stand outside the acupuncture place and call them an f right.

Yeah, it's I never knew that all the different ways I was being insensitive.

Christ you just want to write and then take me to my po box.

That sounds great.

It's so funny that I will never be I'm like frozen at a red light because of well it's red.

Yeah it is red. I'm supposed to do anything.

I'm legally frozen at this Red.

Lights only happens when you're frozen.

Let it go, Let it go, Let it go. I'n't gonna van hold you down. I don't really know that song, but it is.

Yeah, it is a combination with the popular karate theme.

Okay, I had some song I so wanted to learn. I wanted you to learn how to do it on the guitar and what it is now. But I was like, oh, what if Karen's saying this is it.

Stay by Rihanna? Because I know it. I love that song. That's a classic ballad that she did. She she went off. She veered off from her dance numbers and her remixes and her really trying to you know, really trying to get that slice of the population. She just did a piano ballad with some There is a there's.

A song by Tame and Paula that's indie rock band. They're great. And a song came on and I said, oh, I love this song.

This is Tame and Paula, and April shazamed it and said, no, it's Rihanna. I'm like, oh my god, you couldn't be more wrong, Rihanna, that's hilarious. I shazamed it and it was Tame and Paula.

Ooh.

But it was a spot on cover that she did of Tame and Paula the most random to me, very it's it's it's not in something in her normal wheelthouse.

Well, now I love her.

I love her because I think her wheelhouse was forced upon her when she was seventeen beautiful young discovered singer in Jamaica or wherever she was, Barbados, and now she's actually going I have really good tastes. So how about I decide what I'm going to perform.

Think about Rihanna is that she's interesting, like underneath been never talking. She's interesting and has a lot of fucking opinions.

Yes, and is funny.

Yeah, and she her nails are very pointy, which I respect. She has catlike nails. And she's somebody I knew and I can't remember who it was. Got to eat dinner with her one night and said, she's so gorgeous in real life.

You just can't stop staring at her.

All.

Right, here's a beautiful story. Okay, I was at rage how long ago, so long ago that people still went to rage, And it must have been summer of two thousand and five, and I was walking out and a song came on and I turned around and I pointed up the large screen that was playing the video and I said her.

And.

It was Rihanna and it was Ponder Replay. And not a lot of people remember Ponder Replay. I do because it is, you know, a badass Barbadian dance hall. Yeah, but it was real, real good and forced you to dance to it, and I love it.

And at that time, no one knew her. And when you say her, you were announcing her future success.

Yes, I was just letting everyone know that I had decided that was correct. Pop.

That was like a guy Brandham knighthood to Rihanna. She doesn't understand that that actually made her in this town.

Also, what we don't know is at the time he was holding a magic.

Wand in old Stardust Speckless got across rage.

Keep going to dohemy, Oh, let or you can go, you can go down. I'm sorry that I'm making you take me.

You have to let you have to let Chris feel his way around the city, right, respect.

I don't know. I think I'm turning left just to avoid those cars.

Yes, I'm sure you are.

What if, Karen, what if I made you just drive around Beverly Hills Flats and we looked for a nice single family.

Home, hopefully with an oil derek in the backyard.

Is an oil derek one of those pamelas think it's called a Derek.

I believe.

So I went to uh I did end up in a George Bush's hometown at a club called Wolfers and Tweeters, which are two different sized speakers. Yeah, and every single house there had a oil dereck in their yard.

Yeah, just modest looking.

Homes with oil just yeah, because you never know, you.

Never know when you're you don't even know you're fixing to tap into some black gold.

Those people will be so rich until they get cancer.

That's right.

Oh good, And maybe and maybe just in time to get cancer, that would be the magic.

It's hard to time cancer. It usually comes unexpectedly.

But in Texas, Karen, what's your cancer of choice?

I guess it would be scalp if I got to choose, that's actually terrible cancer.

You're gonna lose your hair anyways, It's right.

It's terrible of me to say, because you know why I said that subconsciously is because my dad does have He got melanima on his head and it turned it for like a very stress full two weeks. They were like it could have gone through to his brain, and so we just had to wait it out. It was, you know, we had a bad decade and from the two thousands to the twenty tens it was very dark in the Kilgarath household. But it didn't go through. Everything's fine.

Years, an everlasting wound.

And everlasting wound, and he actually recently had to go have it like treated, because it's like it's just this thing that that it was healing.

And then he would he wouldn't leave it alone. He w'ud kind of pick it.

And so basically over the years he's screwed up his own head wound and now he finally has it so that it's almost gone.

Wow. Gross, Are you sure you want scalp?

Yeah? Actually, I'm gonna change my mind it tongue.

What does it say about me that I'm I want testiculars?

I mean I don't want to have kids. I just know it's opera.

Yeah, that's right.

It seems like very that's right.

You can just get rid of it.

Guy.

Oh go ahead, wait did you answer no?

No?

Yeah, I was just gonna add the testicular cancer seems like more and I could just take care of myself.

Just feel around for the lump. Scoop it out, yep, don't look back.

Standard variety garden chairs.

Would you have to go up into the mountains and graphic, Yeah, you know, get.

Away from of course. People go down by.

The creek, drink some deer blood.

Say a there's some whiskey, bite a belt. Guy, what is your cancer of choice?

Yeah? What kind do you want?

Look, you guys have been talking for a while and so I've gone through it in my head. Do I want one of the blood cancers? Do I want a nice lymphoma?

Oh that's too fast.

I know it's too fast. I mean, honestly, the answer is probably melanoma. Like you just want to get on top of it. Look, I'm a man with a lot of growth. But recently a nice germantologist told me they're all fine, good, really good.

That's a huge relief, right it is.

But I think like that's just something that they can cut off of you, and that's fine. And my organs I'm using all of them.

Yeah you need those, right, Yeah, that's true. Yeah, you're right, that's a good choice.

I mean, I'm melanoma is probably where I'm headed, just because that's how it isn't my family.

Yeah, it's just the it's the Irish way.

I just want to have a cancer survivor on my Twitter bio.

Oh, my friend Heather McDonald, she would always been declaring her birthday, say forty six in cancer free, even though she's never had cancer, which is why I love Heather McDonald.

I love her too. That's fucking hilarious.

Yeah, you just make everyone assume.

Yeah, just like be positive? Why not just lean into it?

I went to high school. I think we've talked about this on this podcast. The girl who claimed to have a double mestectomy from breast cancer and then jogged a marathon.

No, and then this was out of high school.

This was afterwards.

But we knew her.

My sister really liked her and she was a super cool girl or whatever. But then it turned out she like, she got all this press for being this breast cancer survivor and all this stuff, and then it turned out she never had it.

Oh, make a.

Left here, Okay, is this not a dead end?

Oh?

Is it?

Yeah?

It's going And if you can make a left under dheiny, do that terrific. If not, I've just made everything complex. And I'm sorry.

No, and you've ruined my double breast cancer store.

I'm sorry, Karen, forget it. I'm sorry, so so so she lied about it. Yeah, and then what happened.

No, that's all? Oh I mean, oh yeah you can't.

Oh this is a they won't allow us to even live our lives.

They're forcing us to go down Santa Montica.

Rage it is.

No one goes there anymore.

I told you, do you think they would take Arihana.

Requests Karen, why do you think she made up breast cancer in high school?

No?

No, no, it happened after high school. We knew her from high school. I think that when people make up diseases like to and actually end up getting pressed for them, I think they just got left in a room as a baby too much, something along those lines.

Have you ever considered a nice fake cancer to like jump start your career?

I have? You know what?

I took it in a different direction. The thing I considered for a while when things weren't going well in my career. I was like, I could just check into a mental hospital because I can smoke and watch TV in my pajamas all day long. And that was really a thing that I considered. And then thank god, I got a writing job and everything turned around for me.

Do you uh? And I can't've bragged about a lot, but it's actually gonna happen.

I'm going to get one hip replaced and then hopefully the next one at the end of twenty twelve. How do I hip replacement seem scary?

Right?

Yeah?

How do I make how do I benefit off of this?

Well, you you get a cane that has some kind of animal or famous person's face carved into the top of it, okay, and then when you walk on stage, you do like seven bits about the cane.

Like Tim Allen?

Why would you honk it?

Me? Karen?

Who whose head should be on the cane?

Oh? Tim Allen's a good idea.

And then you can start making fun of Tim Allen's act by doing his bits.

Yeah, that's good.

Or maybe Milton Burle if you want to be like a classic about it.

Oh, he I think I would love to commemorate. Well, Milton, I do remember how bad I am driving and talking?

Yes, that's why happening.

That's why I offered to do it. Yes, do you want me to do it?

I'm okay, okay, Chris, Why do you have to have your hyperplas Is this because of all of that skateboarding you did? That seemed like a good idea at the time.

No, just a gift from God.

I have weird shaped bones, and I guess I've always kind of run like Tom Cruise.

With blade hands.

Yeah, blade hands, real short leg rapid but short leg movements and so stompy yeah, and I have my my femurs have the ball at the top have been described to me as melted ice cream. All right, I'm gonna go ahead and cut this person off. Oh boy, yeah, oh yeah, that's what I want, sirens. I want that guy on the wrong side of the road.

And that was justin Bieber.

We're driving past the Abbey, America's gay Bar.

I went to the Abbey once, like I think I would say, like eight years ago, probably with Paige. I met Paige or I can't remember who I was meaning there, and it reminded me of the heyday of my drinking.

In San Francisco.

Okay, why because when I lived in San Francisco, all of my friends were gay men, and so I just was constantly super shit faced in a gay bar, which is the best place to be shited face, because there's like Rihanna videos, as we know, yes, and usually people are smoking menthols and there's just a there's an air of acceptance.

And you know that ar situation where the worst thing they could happen to a blackout drunk woman is that somebody says that's not the lip color for you.

Yeah, that's exactly that's the most vicious thing that's ever happened to me.

In a gay bars, someone thought.

I was a drag queen for one second, and he felt really bad. He was like, oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were my friend, and I go, what's her name? He was like, her stage name is lady Miss Champagne or whatever, and I was like, Oh, I'm going to be destroyed about this for twenty years.

Anyway, see you later. I guess I need smaller eyebrows. The nineties were an ugly time for many of us.

It's so weird to think about what everybody was doing. Though recently I watched four weddings in a funeral and the number of outfits that are completely wearable today, yes, stunning. You can make a right anywhere and go down to joheeny horrific.

That's because the weird blousiness of the nineties is back, Like if you go to I went to urban Outfitters the other day knowing I had no business being there, and there were outfits in there that were that were triggering me of high school PTSD.

Like, honestly, these big, wide, short like light pink sweatshirts that.

They're trying to sell girls now really almost like belly sweatshirts. It's really weird, and it's exactly what it looked like in like the late eighties.

The amount of midrift that's happening right now is like exciting.

It is a sign.

Can I just tell everybody?

It's it's right now sprinkling in la which is a fucking miracle. It hasn't rained here in over nine months.

I would say, right, I'm happy it's raining. I just don't.

It's much like when I lived in Texas. When it rains here, people panic. They don't know how to react, and I don't trust anyone.

No, you're right not to trust them.

All right, you can just pull in really quickly along this street anywhere on the right here, right here. I we'll run inside. Now we'll get my mail.

Oh, do you need a ride to your mail?

I'm sorry, I'm making you guys do something that's fun.

This is perfect?

Is mail a euphemism for your drug dealer?

Yes?

I have to pick up a package and put it in my nose.

He's going to be so wired when he gets back to this car.

Oh, he's gonna upon receiving the drugs. Just Inhale them.

Yeah, I mean inhal them right, Yeah, you have to.

Okay, I'm starting to feel bad. I there there was some sound issues, but I can doctor them. It's fine, It'll be fine. It just I just remember now. It's so much easier in the old studio.

But this is fun.

Wait are we recording?

Yes?

Oh okay, good?

Yes, yeah.

I put you to turn it off, just into be.

Like like I like to do podcast commentary.

I think we should.

I mean, this is what we really go through every time. People need to know, right, it's not just all fun and games in here.

No, no, especially for you. I want this car. I want this episode. I want this car episode to make people miss the fact that I'm able to speak in the studio.

Yeah that's right. Yeah, yeah, good plan.

There were no checks, everybody.

Oh, I'm sorry.

We were all hoping for checks, but there were no checks.

Do you need twenty dollars till tomorrow?

No care?

I twenty from the last.

Time, Karen, shut up. I just it's fun when they're checks.

Yeah, I know, those green envelopes from the WGA.

There were, however, two billing notices from Writers Guild Insurance telling me that they had paid for things Oh, that's always nice.

That is nice.

I have good insurance.

I believe I'm in arrears with the Writer's Guild right now. I don't understand how to do those.

Who isn't Karen, OK, we're not going to get screeners and that's okay.

Do you get insurance? Do you both have good insurance?

Because of the right it's amazing.

Would you like to marry one of us?

I have the SAG insurance, which I think is okay.

Well, that's good. It's hard to qualify for Chris.

I'm happy that I got it.

Congratulated.

You work that regularly.

I just oh commercials, yes, oh yeah, No, one knows about the commercials. It's the best way to be in SAG.

It's the Fairbanks dirty secret.

It is so dirty, and you make so much money from commercials.

Yeah, just selling cat food up in Canada or whatever.

Little Dan Gill, little Dan Gill is raking it in.

Who's that?

Dan Gilli is one of the the rough writers or free writers or whatever they were called. He's the handsome one with a mustache. He's tall and handsome.

What is this? What is this?

Is it like the minute Men?

No talking about Real Housewives of Atlanta.

No, there were those four comedians who ran a show. It was cowboy themes. It was David van Heusen, Colin what's his name?

Oh boy theme. It was a cowboy themed every time.

It was cowboy themed every time.

That's exhausting. Every show you went to, they were like, welcome everybody.

Yes, soundingly good?

What's this in this city?

Yes? How do you not know who David van Heuisen and Dan gil are Well?

I think I've met David van Heisen.

Yes, I think I just simply need to be reminded they were cowboy comedians.

H and Daniel is a very similar mustache chokers Fairbanks.

Oh do you feel mustache competition?

I always do. Every time I say one, I size the guy up.

It's so male of you.

I'm like, he's probably doing that because he likes it, whereas I just do it because it got me sag insurance.

Yeah, that's the only reason.

I have this stupid thing, cause it gets you work.

Yes, I'm otherwise, I'm just the most average boring person ever.

There's always that question of is there that facial hair that makes me castaball?

Yep, it is. It's a question constantly answered with the answer Yes.

I never want to meet that facial hair of mine.

Guys, this just makes me think I had a did a set last night that was mediocre would be a compliment. And as I was leaving, I thought of both of you, but Fairbanks, I thought of you most when I just thought of the last set I saw you do at the Improv Lab, and I just thought I.

Wish I had an act like Chris's act.

Oh boy, I never am accused of having an act.

Well, you really do, and people just don't know I do.

It's well, yeah, it sounds like you don't know you do, but you really do.

Chris. You have an amazing act where at every stammer you could go in nine different directions, and it means that there are billions of different acts that could happen any night. Yes, and it's magnificent to watch.

You're the sliding doors of stand up comedy.

So true.

What will we do this time?

I think that it's the reason that I'm not on Comedy Central Instead, it looks like I'm unpredictable. Yes, Like, what if one of those sliding doors leads to nothing have happened?

Could they have a really like restrictive concept of what they think stand up is. Yeah, it's it's a little bit weird to like go to the because I have direct TV in the place where I'm staying right now, and like you just like on demand, you just sort of like slide through everything. And I see all of these stand up specials from people who I'm like, they don't have an hour why.

I think that a lot, But I don't want to seem jealous or make myself feel that way.

Is a given. I mean, you're all jealous.

I'm sorry, I'm being negative.

No, no, no, I think it's part of it.

It is a little bit like why, like why was this just cookie cutter enough that it like flowed through the system so easily.

Well, it's funny to realize too that a lot of those decisions are made by people who are like I just like that person. I partied with them in Montreal, or I they complimented me correctly, or they didn't piss me off in a certain way. I mean, and it's you know, people rise to a certain level with the comedy and then where you go from there so often is political that you know, it's it's just the kind of random las vegasness of this.

Town, political and a high school peer group type.

Yes, we're never done with high school. High school is now. It's happening right now.

Oh God, I hope I finally pass algebra, Karen, and I.

Think I can say in the Las vegasness of Hollywood, I would say, we've all gotten three double bars. You know, we've all done Okay, gotten our forty dollars payout.

We've gotten We've gotten insurance, which in a way is its own jackpod.

Yes.

All I want out of this career is to break even, is to leave what I came with.

Karen, what's the most indulgent thing you do with your insurance?

Well, I guess therapy, because I've been in therapy for so long. I feel like now if they told me I wasn't allowed to go anymore, I'd be like, I won't, Like, nothing bad will happen to me if I don't go anymore. Now, I go like to have a really awesome, deep discussion and have like many revelations with a woman whose opinion I respect. But maybe that I also I really do avoid going to the doctor because I'm positive they're going to tell me I have something very wrong.

With me.

That's always the fear.

So I just I can't say I use my insurance as much as I probably should.

I go to a wonderful total health place that gives me like be twelve injections and stuff like that. Wow, it's magical.

And that's not I want to say cosmetic, but it's what is that called when it's not well?

I think cosmetic? Yeah, like because you don't need it. It's not necessary.

There's another word for it. But I'm no doctor. Let's not worry about it.

Oh no, I'm gonna think about it.

Yeah, it's there somewhere. But I went because of a bald spot on my head. Oh sorry, I'm chang king Layne's. They won't let me.

Okay, sorry, Hi, I hope no one dies.

Where did you go to a dermatologist?

I've had this missing patch of hair on my Oh yeah, I've seen it top.

Of my head for Yeah, you're a man over thirty. That happened.

No, no, no, no, it's not centered. It's it's just a you know, you look at my.

Hair, has tons of hair and then there's a little part that's gone.

Yeah, bald spot on my head called my head since I was eighteen.

Years old, so mine's different where it was like an alopecia thing and everyone said, oh, you're stressed out, except for the doctor, who said, that's what everyone says, it's stupid.

I just was my hair was falling out of.

A patch, and so he shot some stuff in there and I've been putting stimulants on it and it's comeback, but it's white.

I have one of these white skunk patches.

Oh you know why, I bet you there's something going on in that little patch.

I mean, I am a doctor, and.

That's exactly what told me.

It was.

I was reacting of being in pain, and he said they might have something to do with my hip pain.

Oh that's terrible.

That makes sense, I guess.

So, yeah, that was the only thing he led to it before I mentioned my hip. It's like, do you have any chronic pain? I'm like, this hip makes me yell sometimes.

Does your chronic pain make it mean for me to have accused you of deserving your hip for being a skateboarder?

No, that's what I thought up until recently.

I thought, well, it's it's one of these injuries or something I did knocked it out a whack. And then I but he said, no, your Bones formed Oddly. I'm like, oh, well, that's great.

I didn't deserve that.

Do you think that we should change the name of this podcast to do you Need a Hip?

Just for a while until I get raised the fund, and.

Then it's do you need another Hip?

I think you guys should start an h indie pop group called Bones Forms Oddly.

With really sad songs. Yeah, that's a good idea.

I was trying to make a Bone's thugs and harmony, but it's just not there.

And you already made the joke. Yeah, why do I try someone?

I talk to Karen all the time? What's going on in your life?

Oh? Thank you? Well?

I uh, you know, I've been swimming quite a bit. I enjoy that for the hip. It's really the only form of meditation.

That I have.

Where do you swim?

Being submerged in twenty four hour Fitnesses pool in Santa Monica, which is the murkiest band aid riddled.

As I'm swimming, I.

Periodically have to wipe off my fingers because women's hair is I mean, this is disgusting, but the pool horrible.

Is it's a public pool.

It's just murky, it's soup, it's it's a gulagh of hair and fluids.

Can I tell you a horrible story?

Yes?

Are you ready?

Yeah, there's a public pool. I just saw this on a show called True Nightmare, which is a pretty great show because they have like they put together like four stories that are just like gross things that have happened or upsetting things that have happened. And uh, there was a one. I can't remember what city this happened, but it was in a public pool in like a small town and a woman dove into the pool and she got sucked. She swam too close to the suction filter at the bottom of the pool.

Was she one foot tall woman?

No, what do you mean?

I mean, what a powerful suction for? Yes, something.

It was almost like something reversed whatever happened. She got caught at the bottom of the pool, drowned, and no one found.

Her for three days.

No, everybody was swimming in the pool four three because the water was murky. Because they said, the guy that was fixing the water, will you put on your intermittent wipers.

It makes me nervous that they're not on. Karen.

I just.

Two deaths. I need to tell you about. Okay, well, one death and then a serious of death.

Oh good.

The first one directly relates to this. The next one is just your request for your other podcast.

Okay.

First one is there was a senator from somewhere in the Midwest and they had a jacuzzi and his granddaughter who was like four, went underwater but connected with the little like intake tube thing and it pulled out her guts.

Holy, that's horrifying.

Yes, it's horrifying. Second one, this is this is a formal request for your show.

So many follow up.

Are you are you all familiar with the my Way murders?

What are they called them?

They're called the my Way murders and it's a series of murders that have taken place in the Philippines. At karaoke, people sing my Way?

Are you serious?

Only my way? I will There is a Wikipedia entry for it. Hell, yes, get on it.

Okay, it's are you kidding me?

That's if you sing my way, someone kills you.

It's like people become such dicks while singing. And let's remember this is the Philippines. This is one hundred million people doing karaoke every night. Yeah, these things come up but apparently people become such swaggering dicks when singing My Way that the like that there have been like in excess of four murders. That plays because like karaoke murders and the Philippines happened.

Wo wow, How is it that that song and not Chumbawamba or one of these other.

Or that one Jewel song where she sings like a baby?

Chris, Chris the last great BuzzFeed video, and BuzzFeed did amazing work and It's time Love a good video about people eating snacks from other lands. But the last great video they did was they played for a bunch of millennials. They played them nineties music and their response to every nineties pop song was what's this? This is stupid except for one song that they universally adored and said, that's a great song. The answer to top.

Yes, woknock. Don't you know why?

Because it's it sounds like group chanting and the human the human ear and soul.

Responds to a group chance.

Yeah, it's almost like House of Pain jump around where you're like, I'm not a racist, but I love this song.

That's the Neil Diamond Virgin.

Everyone loves that sweet they all get to reinactive from Beautiful Girls.

It's not that popular of a movie.

I thought I thought that you were doing I'm loving it, Donalds.

No, that's about.

That's so great.

I just got.

It's not good. It works.

It comes to Neil Diamond. I'm a crunchy granola sweet man.

That's a classic.

Wait, oh, I was thinking of crackling Rosie.

What is it?

I never heard of your.

Oh it's real dumb sing it. I forget quenching good No, La suite?

Really?

Yes?

Wow, he's just who knew that? Half the time he was singing about cereal.

No, it's a capin Rosie again on boat it's all the same.

Yes, I like.

Forever in Blue Jeans.

Okay, and is a classic.

It is a great one.

Karen, we're currently driving past the cemetery where people watch movies.

That's right.

When did you, as a human being decide I don't have to sit on the ground to watch a movie.

I guess I've known that since I can I could walk or talk. I think that I have been asserting my own I deserve a cushioned seat, if not better.

Uh, for quite some.

Time I didn't realize that's why. I didn't like going there either.

And Dana Gold just screened he has a new series IFC series called Stan Against Evil.

The guy kind of tough guy from Scrubs. What's his name?

Uh no, no, yeah, yeah, and so he's the main guy in. So we just thought we were going to a friend group thing, but it was the people that put out the email list for the movie screenings. They are all showed up and it was packed. But this time they had pews like it was. It's a horror themed thing, so it was like HALLOWEENI and there was pews set up and blankets and things that they provided and chair and it was the best. I had so much fun because I was sitting not on the ground.

You're somebody with like bad hips, you probably shouldn't be sitting on the ground.

You're right, You're right.

I can't imagine what sitting in a style would be like for you.

I've never ever successfully done it.

And he said, once I get my hips replaced, I will for the first time comfortably.

Sit across legged.

Wow, I have to be there for that week market style.

I will. I'm very excited.

I did call a friend he was on the doctor's wall, and I know him, and I said, they do get this under your hips, and he said, yes, four months apart. It's the best thing I ever did. I can fall asleep with my knee touching. I can lay on my back and fall asleep with my knee touching the mattress for the first time ever.

Wow.

So I'm very excited. It's wonderful, very excited to get that surgery. I can't say how excited, don't know I am.

Do you think that you should wait for them to have super hips that they can give you so you can jump real far and stuff?

I wanted to wait, but now the pain is to where I'm tired of waiting and I need to be a boy again again.

Do you sometimes when you're swimming sing, I don't want to wait.

I do hips to be But it sounds like.

The song the whole song?

Who sang that song?

Paula Cole?

Sometimes I get the ladies from the nineties confused with each other, which is hard because that was supposed to be one of the apex of my life.

Yeah, but there's so many similar It was like the girl that's saying I'm a bitch is merit to somebody.

Yes, I want to wait.

As a Paul Cole, I liked Joan Osborne the best. She was rare, she was old and angry.

She you knows why I always loved John Osborne. I didn't necessarily I wasn't that familiar with her music. But I was at Janine Groffolo's house in New York one time and she uh was listed on like a worst dressed some rude, shitty thing in a fashion magazine.

She was on and because of her nurse ring.

And Joan Osborne sent her like a fruit basket because Joan Osborne was also on the Life and it was like congratulations we made it or something, and I was just like, oh my god, that's the coolest thing ever. Like Jeanine was had her feelings genuinely hurt, and then was like, oh, Joan Osborne's okay, that's beautiful.

She did the what if God were one of us? Yes, yes, I did not enjoy that.

Yeah, that's a tough one.

It was. It was, but I and listen to the rest of our body of work.

I think you know, lydia talented.

Twenty year old me thought it was so meaningful.

Yeah, just a slob, Like, what if God was a slob?

Yeah?

What if he occasionally yelled at racist things while driving?

Well, one of us?

You haven't yelled at a kid the whole time I've been in here. Well, I guess there aren't kids being rowdy, But I like that the kids you yell at are like of the exact same flavor of rowdy kid that you still are.

I suppose I do. I've quite yelling at people. I've tried to curb that.

Yeah, Chris, it's pretty chill, Karen.

Why were the nineties? Why were the nineties all drag queens and women with meaning? They seem at odds with each other?

You know?

You know what's funny is not only are they not at odds with each other, but I think that we've all learned through RuPaul's Drag Race that drag queens and women, if they would just get together, can change the world.

And we are starting to get together.

Wait, do you ever get mad that you have not yet been like one of the coaches on Stand Up Comedy Week on RuPaul's Drag Race. God knows they'll they'll never ask.

I don't even understand that question.

They had Stand Up Comedy on.

OK, like once every other season they have them do stand up and they call in like advisors and they scrape the barrel like they do they are open micers. Uh, there's this woman Devin Green who like is only like she just performs at acbar like there's no there's no way. Then she's probably just friends with the producer. I mean, there have been many ladies who are great, like they had Arden Marine on and Heather McDonald, but they were

But what we're weird.

What we're saying to the do you need to ride audience is if you or one of your ex lovers. He's a producer on RuPaul's Drag Race, Karen Kilgarriff should be providing advice.

And now I ask Karenkilgarriff, I would just like to say real quick, I don't want to. I don't want and first of all, drag queens don't need anybody's help to be funny. There are men who dress up like women. They can defend and attack whoever and whatever they.

Want at any time.

That's why, and I've said this before, drag queen comedy is my favorite. If we go to a bingo game, if we go to the Casito del Campo basement and go watch a show, whatever it is, I am delighted to start to finish because I love viciousness, I love a good reference, and I love a ton of flipliner.

Outside of the natural lipline, that's it's that's everything I need. I don't have anything to teach those people. They could teach me, Karen.

For a long time, I tried to do a joke about how in Los Angeles the only difference between lesbians and non lesbians is maybe the lesbians liplenner is slightly too dark. No one ever thought that was a funny joke.

You never said that in front of me. Oh, I feel like I know exactly who you're talking about in that one.

It's the universal truth of the universe. It's like, what's what's going on there? What is Her eyebrows are sculpted, but not in the way.

That I will But there's a me Vita loga situation happening with the lip area.

Is it not as common as I think? But I would do it? Vias a woman to tattoo permanently make up? Why would you not?

It doesn't last, It doesn't last.

No, you don't want the same look every time.

Yeah, you need to.

You would think with eyebrows you'd pick a pair and like them and not want to gamble with that.

That's true.

But an eyebrow tattoo is gonna look real crazy, like you're basically going to uh, yeah, you don't. You don't want to have to do that, you want you don't want to do that unless you have to like it. Say, bringing back around to our fun topic of cancer, if all your hair fell out and you just wanted to tattoo some eyebrows on so you don't have to do it every day. But for the most part, I think that's just gonna look too harsh.

Chris, have you ever had to day to night a look?

Have I ever had to?

What data night a look? Take a look from day to night with oh, you know, some heels pearls?

Why am I? There's it's funny that I'm maybe I'm having a stroke right now?

No, no, no, no.

I never say can you say that a third time?

That's when I that's when I just pretend that I understood, and I just go yes, of course, just last Wednesday, like I give up.

Listen.

He's what he's saying is it's a shorthand that even I really haven't heard before, but that you're out all day long, and so you you have to take your outfit from day which is just like the answer is no, you have to take your outfit from day night. So you have to like figure out a way to dress it up so that you go from like say, fucking around shopping to like a show at the nerd melt.

Oh.

It's the only reason I've ever done stand up in shorts. I'm like, this is what I Nothing makes me have less confidence than looking down and seeing my spindly legs and lack of calves. And I don't want to be powerless on stage. Of course, you want to be confident. I can't even walk confidently while in shorts, yet I've done stand up in them a dozen times. That's because I couldn't make it home all the way to Venice. I've been on stage sweaty. Yeah, I suppose the ocean is a terrible place.

You need to pack a bag, though, you need to throw some options in a bag.

That's a lifestyle.

I don't want to leave beautiful just so far away. And you don't have to, Chris, because you're a man and nobody really judges you by what your outfit is.

I do I if I see someone on stage in their gym clothes and I get upset, and I've done it myself and I don't feel good about it.

I mean, anyone who's on stage in their gym clothes is working out on a regular basis, and thus I would find hot, and thus I would be okay with it.

Our friend Oka, our all of our friends.

Sean Green of the Some kind of a Sports podcast, He just did a tweet that was hilarious.

That was like the one thing.

The most common question I'm asked when I get off stage after her stand up comedy, said, is are those sweats?

Which is, if you know him, the funniest joke.

Oh, I'm a fan.

I mean, in all likelihood, because I'm doing your podcast, I will be performing in shorts tonight. Yeah, I refuse to apologize for it.

Don't do it it's just that thing I hang up I have, I don't. I can't even get on an escalator.

And it's beautiful, powerful calves you do.

I watched you walk into that mailbox place and your calves they stand on their own.

Your calves look like two squirrels wrestling in a knapsack.

Your calves look like steers.

But yeah, I have. The answer is yes, I have done that.

I've had to make do with what I was wearing in the day because nighttime was suddenly upon me.

And what do you do? You throw sweater around your neck.

I usually keep a second layer in my trunk, sweaters, different shoes.

You wear a lot of adorable sweaters on stage.

I have underwear and socks in my trunk.

You guys, you're saying that you have probably never heard data night means that you haven't read a women's magazine for thirty five goddamn years.

No, no, it's not that I haven't heard it the way you were saying it, calling it a data nighting an outfit.

Yes, I've never heard that.

Yeah, I turned too many things into verbs data nighting.

But I got it on the second repeat.

Yeah, thank you.

I still want it to be like just working late a light shift at some kind of data entry job.

But it's not I mean, have you ever data nighted? Oh? Certainly, especially at the end of this Yes.

I love to enter code.

Ca What is your your favorite article in a women's magazine?

I love a New year.

Bedroom horoscope.

Oh oh yeah.

I need to know as a Taurus what I should be doing in the bedroom to please my man. That's that's probably the most interesting to me.

Helpful if around April there were a twelve page Chinese zodiac like outfit pictoral, like everyone from each of the years going from seventeen to twenty nine wearing an outfit sort of inspired by the year of the Ram, would you savor that or would you probably just flip past it?

Just outfits.

It's women, it's beautiful women in outfits, and there's a little insert telling you what Year of the Ram means.

Slip past.

Okay, because fashion, although I absolutely regard it as an art and some people do it so breathtakingly, for the most part, it doesn't speak to me.

It doesn't.

I feel like it doesn't include me because it's like ballerinas who are wearing pashminas.

Yeah, that rhymes. That's the beginning of my wrap.

I love it was beautiful. Yeah, thank you so. Yeah.

Most of the time when I look through a fashion magazine, I'm looking at makeup, I'm looking at eyebrows, I'm looking at hair sometimes and I'm looking at Oh, this is the look they want people to try to look like.

Now, I've always been as far as the horoscope thing goes, and I hope I'm not totally changing the subject. No, please do didn't all didn't NASA just establish that that all has changed? And in this article I read, I am now what comes before Aquarius?

Like, I don't even I'm a.

Scored, a new sign of the zodiac.

Yes, and why aren't people freaking out about this? Because it blows the lid off of their superstition and that I never believed in. H as excited for everyone to freak out, and there's been no backlash NASA, They're just ignoring it.

Yeah.

I think that people are like, well, I'm just a Taurus. I don't care.

It was irrational before, it's irrational now. Stop trying to irrationalize.

It wasn't ever truly based on planets. That was that was the rationalization. But in truth, it was just like, oh, I'm the bowl, I'm stubborn and earth earth bound, and I like flowers. It's always a bunch of shit that it really doesn't actually apply to me.

But I'm like, yeah, this is known.

Are you a Taurus?

Yeah?

Your The thing is is my sister is a Taurus. So I was always like, I don't get along with Taurus. And the answer is really just I don't get a log with borderline personality.

I mean, we are pretty bossy and pushy. That's definitely true.

The only experience I've ever had where I did put any value in it or belief into it is when I walked into a bar with a friend of mine and this woman leaving what's like a drunk Her hair was all wild, and she goes, hey Aquarius, Hey Scorpio and walked out and neither of us knew this woman yeah, and she.

Just called us hard. Yeah. It was horrifying to me, though I left early.

I like that, are you a Scorpio.

I'm a well, I don't know now.

I know so little about it, and I'm not bragging. I just don't believe.

If you were a Scorpio and we had spent three days in the same room and did not fuck. I would be like, what's wrong with us?

Wait?

We did spend three days in a room.

I know, but we yes, but we didn't fuck. And I was saying, if we were both Scorpios, we would have been so deeply sexual that there would have been stopping.

That's what that means.

You're a Scorpio.

I'm a Scorpio.

What's apparently I'm.

Everything I hear about Aquarius is that I'm a total asshole and I'm lying and I just want people to like me.

But I'm a piece of shit and the age of you. I don't native day, day a night.

You know who else is an Aquarius is Flanagan and he's not an asshole.

He's good times.

Yeah yeah, it's it's.

A sorry get that you just need to drive a little bit.

Yeah yeah, sorry, yep. I yeah. I don't believe in it. I don't believe in it.

It makes me furious when people demand that there's meaning in it.

I feel like people like to be told about themselves and it doesn't really matter. I mean, I've read my horoscope every day and I know for a fact it's not really gonna apply.

But that it'll be like today, your.

Feelings might be sensitive, so I'm like, oh, I better be careful.

Well, it's why people like okay Cupid because it's fun to answer questions about yourself.

Oh wait, are you on okay Cupid?

I haven't account I haven't looked at it in forever. As soon as someone is interested in me, I assume that they are not a valuable person. Then I move along and say, who can I swindle? On? Bread?

Can I swindle?

I should join a dating app just so that I could steal people's wallets.

So I was like, that's the way to do it, Karen.

Yesterday I went to a birthday party, a gay birthday party, and the standard and the guys were so hot that I became bored and disengaged. I was like, I don't what am I supposed to do here? Fuck all of you.

It was kind of deadening to your senses to see. Yeah, that's what Los Angeles is like. It ruins good looking people because there's so many and there many of them are just a bummer.

I mean, many of these people were fine, but it was like it was my friend Art and it was his boyfriend's birthday, and I just went over to Art, who was sitting with like our heterosexual friends and gay guys with graduate degrees, and they were just like bitching about baseball in the election, and I was like, I don't want to be one of these boring people. I want to be one of or I don't want to be one of these sad people. I want to be one of the boring hot people inside. But I can't pay well.

But also, you're not supposed to be You're you're your local color. You are the artist.

You are the rain bird is not the what you called me one time. You get to be the the rain bird?

I think? Is that what you said?

Oh wow, didn't you want I'm I'm the personality equivalent of a left handed oyster shucking glove.

Yes?

Did I say that right?

Yes, it is one of my jokes.

I love it. Well, I'm just saying it. Okay, back to Dred.

That was about yourself or about Chris about myself.

A left handed oyster shucking glove? Yes?

Why because nobody like it's not for everybody. Most people don't need that, but you do need that. Are really excited to find it. Right, But no, it was a fun party. I'm just whining they were real hot though.

I mean, I don't know these days. At a party, I need people who want to talk about the.

Death of her parents. I think that's someone's joke.

I just tole that's really funny.

I think I feel like somebody has a bit like that.

But but it really whoever did it was it wasn't word for word, but conceptually it's the same thing. But it's a thing of like I don't want to talk about, like, did you watch Game of Thrones anymore? I'm at that age now where I'm like, what's the saddest thing that's happened to you recently?

But listen, Karen, I have something that relates to both of those things. Okay, let me tell you about Debbie Branham widow. Debbie Branham widow watches herself some prestige television. Oh there is no Larry Branham to bitch if you decide to watch stranger things. That's right, she and it was she's but it's always the weirdest thing. She is in love with HBO's divorce. There's the only human being of whom that is true.

Sorry, Sorry that was some peeling out.

It's raining and this has been my worst appearance on my own podcast.

How is it that on the planet gets this much rain every moment of every day and it we just like our tires.

Don't worry because I'll tell you there's a layer of oil.

There's a layer of oil, and.

On these streets there's what a year's worth of oil? Yeah, so it's crazy.

I mean, that's why there's been fucking four ambulances since we've been reported.

And I am on edge and I can't wait to be back in a studio.

You're sweating a lot.

You have the subject because I drink too much. Yes, got she knew so much about me.

I love that.

You guys should do an election night special ride in the car in the car. You should get a comedian and someone from NPR, like a Martine.

Oh good idea, one of those voices.

And yeah, I like it.

I like it.

It just seems like a lot of work.

Yeah, I mean, we're never going to do it, but that's such a good idea. Oh but also, oh no, that's not election night. The night after election night, we're doing business Class and April just thought, oh, we should have all women on that show since we'll have our first female president.

And then I started, no, you're on it.

If it's all women, you're the headline. Oh, because I realized then that there's a very good chance that this badass woman is going to be president.

And it just hit me, like.

I'm so nervous that it could be that ludicrous piece of shit Donald Trump, that I just haven't even been considering the fact that it's a reality, like something that would make my mother so fucking happy and proud, and like that all this the women who are not interested in living to please their man or fucking get all their shit waxed and wear a thong. There's a whole generation and a whole you know, there's a whole culture of women who are about being smart and strong and

It's going to come back.

Well, there's some things are neat about. It's not just a lady president in the way that other countries have had lady presidents. It's like the most powerful person in the world, the person who makes the decisions for the world. It's gonna be a woman for like the first time in history.

Yeah, in history, please let it happen.

She can just stop having her period.

She did about.

Twenty Do you really think she would have confidently worn a white suit to that depiction if this were still an issue.

It's my favorite when people talk about, like you don't want all their period. It's like the woman is sixty five years old.

Yeah she still dresses like emperor.

Yeah she's not afraid.

Oh god, more death more.

Siren was the first person to refer to them as maw tunics. That's other people are claiming it now.

I really like that she because now that the people compile all of her I didn't notice each time she had an outfit on, But now that the old show side by side, what sorry, Oh.

I'm sorry, there's the sixth Oh yes, the ambulance that we've just seen.

I'm so on it.

I know, I'm sorry.

But her outfit, she's really got a look and she's like, I want I want collarless.

Like, how would you guys describe her.

It's a neighbor caller. It's a very complimentary.

They look cool.

It's like it's she's wearing really cool soup like futuristic lady suits and they're awesome.

They're very much like the sci fi series that you love has finally come.

Who's gather giving us Battlestar Galactica's.

I heard James almost suits.

It's what's the woman's name?

Who?

I love?

McDonald?

Yes, Mary McDonald.

I can't wait for one of her outfits to have those stars and pepper buttons on each side, like cobble breast buttons.

Oh god, I just want her to go full nautical.

Yes, Karen, did you see anything of the Ousemith Dinner?

No, just clips. I can't watch Donald Trump real time, like watching videos of him.

I get so livid. I'm so offended he exists in this situation.

It is such an uffront.

It's so fucking offensive that she has to even play ball with that asshole.

It's so typical well creating equivalencies between them in some way of trying to say yes, but she's bad too. It's like, shut up. Yes, she never said we should doubt the outcome of elections. She's she never bragged about like sexually assaulting people.

She's not threatening to sue anybody. She's she's a consummate politician in every way.

She's got a very very good education and she's not.

Everyone's complained about her, like, oh, she's murdered people.

That's she's a politician. She's done her job.

People saying everybody's murdered that resulted in people dying. Calm down. Also, whoever whoever ran things without killing some people.

I mean, let's talk about Digson. Dick Cheney has killed children with his hands, don't let's not.

Let's not pretend.

He's twisted their heads off like smoke detectives.

And he just did it because it was like Thanksgiving and he was bored.

It wasn't like Forbes.

He just did it for the semi erection that provided him. Oh goodness, okay, I'm now I'm starting to hallucinate.

Well, this is tough. This is tough, This is good la rain. No one else can handle it.

It's dark. People are darting out like it's a goddamn video game.

This is why, this is why we are in a severe drought. Because God starts your green and then he's like, Chris is real upset.

Right now, yeah, and so is everyone else in this time.

I'm going to stop this and we'll do it some other time. And when he tries it, Chris is just still like, Wow, this ship.

I am stressed out, But guy, have you noticed? Isn't it nice? How Karen? It's just she's here to make me feel better.

That's what I do.

Thank you.

I you as a co host.

I just want you to say thank you and that I don't take it for granted.

Oh You're welcome, and I love you. You're my very good friend. It's a pleasure. Thanks, the pleasure doing business.

With you, Chris.

I've been supporting you in the way that I shouldn't. I'm sorry.

No, oh god, that was in no way was I fishing? But thank you?

And finally, Karen, have I told you about what I am going to do on election night Hillary Clinton wins?

No, my vow.

I'm going to walk around West Hollywood and I am going to shout at the top of my lungs. This is Wellesley's finest hour until all of the energy in my body is gone because of score one for women's college.

Finally, now score one for everybody. Fuck?

Do I take a rite here?

Yes?

Oh, look at this person being polite? Or am I wrong? I'm right? Wow?

Thank you for giving me a fun ride, you guys.

Oh, of course, thank you so much. For doing it.

I did need a ride. I needed to get my mail.

If they didn't, your mail wasn't or you there was mail, but just no checks.

Yes, all right, for well.

This has been Do you need a ride with Guy brand I'm glad you have any plugs you need to.

Plug it up.

Yes, my name is Guy Branda. Follow me on Twitter at Guy Brannham. You should listen to my podcast Pop Rocket. It has been guest hosted by Karen kil Gareff, but not yet by Chris Fairbanks. I will try to fix that.

I would thank you, Karen.

I have gossip about Pop Rocket that I need to share with you outside of the boundaries of this podcast. And I love you guys, and thank you for being my friends. And watch The Mindy Project on Hulu for which I write, and we'll be appearing as a bitchy gay nurse. Oh you on Springtime Springtime.

Oh that's terrific.

All right, run away, all right, all right.

I will stay here.

Do you have plugs?

No, I think our only plug is just If you're in Los Angeles November ninth, the day after election day, we're going to do business class at the Improv Lab at ten pm.

Please come.

We will be celebrating Madam President Gina Davis. Please come, and it's me April Richardson, Chris Fairbanks, and it'll be many other lovely human beings.

So we'd love to see you there.

I now I can't stop thinking about the movie. Long kiss, good night. I really like Geena Davis.

It's the best.

I just want to end on that you've been listening to. Do you need a ride? D y n A R glup? Sorry?

Are you leading? I?

You wanna way back home?

Either way we want to be.

There, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim, and give us time and a terminal and gay. We want to send you off InStyle.

You want to welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it.

We scared her? Was it fine? Malcorn?

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need need a ride? Do you ride? Do you need.

With Karen and chriss

M h