Ep. 91 - Karen and Chris

I leave, then I you wanna way back home?

Either way we want to be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and they turn and al and gage.

We want to send.

You off inside. We wanna welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it? We scared? Or was it fine? Now?

Porn?

Do you need to ride? Do you welcome ry? Do you need a ride?

This is Christopher, This is karc Will Garrett?

Do you need here?

All?

Thanks? Calling Studio Elder other studios that provide some things comedy, but we demand all all of the things. Do you like slapstick?

Yes? Do you like word play sometimes?

Do you like Cat's skillion racial comedy?

Yes?

Of the old INDI? Do you like blackface always?

Wait?

Wait wait wait no, no, you're said, it's all available here at All Things Comedy.

Luckily you can't see anything. Yeah, the problematic parts are not broadcast.

If you really think about a blackface or minstrel comedy was only offensive.

Visually, right the audio? Well that's not true though, because like al Joelson would sing in the style of a black performer, many he was doing like a bad ambos.

Good point. That's actually worse.

It's worse than I just did it, So it was okay. Yeah, but I've really folded in a lot of you know what, Look, these are the times we live in.

Hey, I'm not mad if Ted Danson can do it. Let's let's get okay with it, because that guy does no wrong, right.

Uh except for when he did that.

Yeah, he did do that wrong.

And also Becker.

It was the seventeen's seasons of Becker. Yeah, at the time he was dating Warpie Goldbug, which isn't an excuse, but I think he thought, but it's a reason. Yeah. If anything, it was like, she'll laugh at this, Well she did? She put me up to it. I bet I don't even do you know the backstory?

Uh? I mean I just I know what I read because at the time I was fascinated by that couple. What a nineties couple.

What a bizarre.

Mixture of personalities there. What was he doing? What was she doing? We'll never know the answer, but yeah, his whole thing was she like she defended him afterwards and then he said like, no, it's for her and I knew she would like it, or it's like it was all to her. What was it? Yes, Aaron Bruart. Let's hear your side. Defend yourself. Why did you pitch that idea to him?

You know, I was eight.

It was a roast like before the.

Oh oh wow that and then the photos taken out of context.

Well, but that's the thing is I think that was before people learn that lesson of just assume it'll always be out of context and behave.

Appropriate as a young for Halloween, as a young person, maybe a fifteen, I really liked Linel Ritchie and I dressed up like him, and I thought I would look more like him. And I was being very logical. I thought I would look more like him if because it was it was uh, you know, I was pale, and so I put a lot of nutrigena tinted moisture. Yeah yeah, and I put enough of it to where I was like, good, okay, I'm not quite pale to where it ruins this costume.

Now, so you tan faced you you weren't black. It wasn't okay, but it wasn't your normal color, and it was supposed to be representative of darkness.

And then also to defend myself, and it's more embarrassing. I used to use it my whole life to make it look like my face was tanned. Oh, all through college?

Did you feel pressures of snowboarder to be kind of tanned?

And god that you really know me? Yeah, I you know you get these It's almost the opposite of raccoon eyes. But when you're wearing a paragoggles and the sun leaves a you want to blend that line because I had a very distinct line snowboarding.

Yeah, and you're in that crazy sun all day.

The snow reflects tan face, white around the eyes. It looks ridiculous.

It's what Donald Trump looks like when he's on TV.

It used to be a calling. It used to be a something you would show, like, Hey, I've been riding more than you this winter. Look at how distinct this line is, Like it showed how much you had been snowboarding. It's such a weird thing.

I feel like we've just hit on something that kind of crystallizes the essence of how why it's better to be a guy than a girl, because and I thought about this when I was younger. This is a theory from like high school guys get to do things like competitively snowboard and they only care. Their only focus is if other dudes like feel competitive with them about what this, how the snowboarding has made them look like lunatics put the two tone face, whereas girls only are trying to

There is nothing that I wanted more living in Bend, Oregon, a eighty five percent male snowboarder, Like you're gonna go there and never have a day. You're just spending time snowboarding. You're going to hang out with a lot of dudes. And the three girls and they were at night, we would be like, let's go to the girl's house. It's one house. Three of them lived together and they all married people I sort of know. But I was attracted

Yeah, because they like the thing you.

Like, so they had raccoon ridiculous raccoon eyes and I was like, I like it.

So so then cut to me standing in the quad at Saint Vincen's High School. Was so much cover girl foundation makeup on so that so that I had a clown face. The line that was before you knew to blend or use any other kind of makeup tricks, and there was I never had a chance with the snowboard types because you guys were all kind of looking for each other really in a way, mm hmm. That's what was attractive.

It really took the place of me trying to I didn't really experience girls until college because I was always I just cared about other snowboard dudes.

And then when you did experience girls, were you like, ooh, yeah, yeah, your time turned into stairs.

And and my ears smoked and I said arugala and then my yeah, my tongue turned his hair. And then you became a vegan and I was also a wolf.

But you went to college in Montana.

Right in a Looney Tunes cartoon in Montana, in the cartoon department.

Yeah, so there was definitely sporty girls and outdoors girls. I mean that's a big thing, right, yeah, back there.

Yeah, it was a big deal, not as big as moving away to a place that had that, that had it, like in Oregon that's where we went. Yeah, and it was everyone was interested in that. In Montana was more like a lot of drinking and not so much outdoorsiness, right, probably not that way. Now. My friend, my very good friend, Ross sent me a photo and he said, this is next door to your house. And it's a picture of

It's the next generation Fairbanks, that's right. And also we're living in this is just one one big simulation of.

Life, right, This is just a series of ones and zeros trickling down matrix style. Yeah.

Yeah, which is fun because they've they've gotten the technology so that you can't tell it all.

It's so good.

It's great.

Yeah.

Yeah, the computer animation today I own. It really seems like we're in a studio right now.

You are so real to me.

I'm my deaf.

We haven't seen each other in a long time.

Yeah, yeah, it's good to see. How's everything. How's your job? You work a lot.

It's very good. I'm excited about it. It's fun. It's like, now we're in this phase because the show is for it's a mid season replacement next year, so we do everything at once. So like we started off pitching ideas

Inevitably, your feelings get hurt, though, when a group of people are like this part's bad.

It's all bad. It's all hurt feelings that I have learned to manage remarkably in this job. It's taken me a long time because that it's so different than like stand up or even even like talk show writing, where everybody's kind of individually like here's my jokes, and they take and maybe tweak a word or two. But with this kind of writing, it's totally gang writing the whole time.

You're surrounded by talented.

People, very talent, very cool.

In art school, you did that where you would paint. Everyone would paint I think five paintings where they assignment for a few weeks and then you'd set them in front of everyone and people would critique them. And everyone would be a little nice, but not everyone was good

No, that's not what you're supposed to do.

You're supposed to say, hey, good job, And then everyone gets an a no is what happens otherwise?

Well, no, it's not. There's actually there's there's a gray area in between reducing someone to rubble and kissing their ass, which right, right, You realize that this is a person who isn't on your level, and so you give things that you think might help. Uh, suggestions are saying I don't like that color mix because you you put black in that. I think that, Oh well, I still cry, uh well, that's not your problem then if you were, if you were tactful about it and kind of like trying to be helpful.

I've been. I've been riddled with tact No.

Well, I mean just not in that example. It didn't sound like it sounded so mad at the beginning. But listen, I'm not saying I'm the same way. Where when you see the thing I that drives me crazy is when you see wording changes or joke changes where it's like, I know, I don't know story structure. I'm definitely learning, like how you put these things together and pull a story through, but I definitely feel like I know how to write a hard joke and so the but that's all taste, that's what.

That's more why I was frustrated in art school because it would I knew that my paintings were good, and I felt like they were good, and everyone said that. But during when you line them up and if everyone feels like it's their job, someone would with no talent saying anything about my art, That's when I would lash out of them. Yeah, so the lady that I've described who we felt bad for, who I sort of made up.

About, right, But I feel like the job of life you should have joined a book club. The job of life is to know someone doesn't know what they're talking about and then realize then that means you're okay, Like, because I feel like you're taking in the criticism the same way you would if it was the teacher and then doubling the offense because it's an untalented It's.

Odd though, because they spoke up, and because in art school, the people that talk the most and that were willing to talk and wanted to talk the most about it art were most likely the ones that weren't good at it. And it did have an influence on the teachers who were grading things, and they're like, oh, well, so and so said four negative things. I wrote them down, So I guess I'll give Chris a B and this person an A because everyone said nice things because they're trying

Because but I think that's the thing of life. Everything is political. Everything is political. You can't there's no clean cut fair anything, and everything is influenced by voice and by people.

I was silent. I was just like, I'll just let my work speak for me. And it's still my problem with my career now. I don't well.

And also because if you speak up and you like say super mean things to people or even subtly mean things, that kicks back on you and and affects the way people see your work, even though it has nothing to do with it. It's it's this whole thing is like a fucking lame beauty contest where it's like that part, the you know, the personality part is as important, if not more.

I should have just got into beauty content, beauty.

Con Okay, did you did you watch I don't I'm not trying to like boss you around or anything, but did you watch Donald Trump? Did you see that whole thing about him in the university called fat and miss Piggy.

Yeah, that was really bizarre. That was when I started I started having I just got uncomfortable watching that, Like my parents were fighting and I had to leave the room a few times. Yes, and I was sweating, and I thought it was kind of funny when she said you didn't pay your federal taxes and he goes, yeah, that makes me smart, and he just that he blurred in it.

Yeap, he can't control himself.

Yeah, that is how he's gotten in business.

And then meanwhile he's talking about but I was.

I was leaving the room when I was hearing that.

Because you were so uncomfortable.

Yeah, yeah, well were.

We started watching it at work because it came on so early, and I was like all of us were like, I go, I'm sweating and my neck hurts, like I'm so tense right now. And thank fucking god. Hillary Clinton was so much better than I thought she was going to be. She was so fucking good because she wasn't making me more uncomfortable like oh mom's mad or eldest shit she gets accused of. She was It was like someone told her, now, just remember everything he says is

Yeah, and she and I wow, because he was someone that just kept interjecting and saying no, wrong, you're an idiot, Like he kept interrupting and she wasn't doing that. And when he started talking about money or whatever, I'm like, interrupt him about China.

I know about how you're closed ties. Yeah yeah, but it is good that she didn't do that. She stayed and she didn't and someone told her to smile more and things that she should because she was she was great. She did, she did great and she was so good. Yeah yeah, I think yeah, Well I still had to check afterwards him, like everyone said she won right quote unquote one yeah, and but she did she definitely yeah.

Yeah, And there was a whole thing that was hashtag Trump one that was on Twitter, that was twenty trending on Twitter this morning, and I was like, that's ludicrous. Well he's not, like but they did a study about it or they you know, they looked into it and there was an article. It came all those tweets that were supporting the Trump one hashtag were coming out of Russia. They have a map, I tweeted, it's on my Twitter feed. WHOA, yes, so it is he is there.

Yes, trending, Like, get enough people to do this. Hackers making cement blocks, let us you utilize their foredom.

Isn't that insane? It's like he we have gone into comic book super villain area.

It's horrifying, it really is. But people during it, people would like cheer for him. His people somehow they put on the nice or a pair of overalls and they get in.

Yes, well I think there's like family. I mean yeah, but those people.

There's some He got some little applause breaks and I have. But that's why I would like.

Yes, but he also got them for these really dumb things, like it would be like, yeah.

I mentioned her emails. I still don't understand the email thing. I don't understand how if you're a public of political person, you're supposed to have your emails public be public knowledge. I don't get that. I don't get what happened? Will you talk?

I don't. I don't even know if that is something that's true. And the irony is him not releasing his taxes but then going what's in those emails where it's like, what's in your fucking ties?

Do you know what an email thing is? What was the email thing?

Oh, Aaron's a huge Trump supporter? Go ahead, Aaron?

Everything I know I learned from John Oliver this weekend.

Okay, her emails should have gone through like a like a at Statedepartment dot gov. Instead she did she ran them through a private server that she has in her home.

But what are they? What if they're what if people don't want to see what she's getting on Etsy? Or what are they there? They were big scary emails.

They could be, Yeah, they could be.

There was like one hundred and thirteen that were potentially confidential and only three that were marked like in the heading highly confidential.

H And is the idea that her doing that was unsafe because they could have been hacked? Because it was a private server.

They could have been hacked and that, and then also that she could hide. She could hide things that if they were on the state dot gov server, the government would be public record.

You could under freedom of information you could request it.

Oh yeah, huh so it's both it's like it was unsafe for national security potentially, and also you could hide stuff.

Huh.

Well, I, for one forgive her.

Well, I just think it's it's just so him that he's accusing her. He won't let it go when there was.

Actually an he brought it up. Yeah, that's his answer. Clearly, going to do the text thing. That's what everyone does, and you can show them while you're being audited. That a whole moment. And he's like, what about emails?

But the email thing was she went on trial for it, didn't you Like, there was a hearing about it and she was cleared of wrongdoing.

Yes, the FBI has investigated and cleared her.

So he's just bringing up a thing that, like everyone said, it's fine.

Because he doesn't know about that. She has been cleared of it.

No one's told it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he hasn't gotten that email yet.

Because he doesn't email with anyone it's just everyone surrounding him is his family.

And he's just screaming into there is no one.

Wants to work for him, so he's got all these strange cyborg children that are his only employees. You know.

I went up into his office in Trump Tower or wherever it is. Actually, I'm not sure wherever his main office is is. He's at the top floor. We were shooting something when I worked on Ellen long ago, two thousand and probably six, and it is the gaudiest. It looks like an eighties disco. It's everything in there is black lacquer and gold, but not in a way where you go.

Oh, it's when you walk in, aren't you like this? This is glorious and tremendous.

It is in no way tremendous. The pictures where it's Millenia holding the baby with all the gold and the all that, I think that might be their house or their apartment. But the office looks like a coke dealer wanted to get into accounting. And then the government seized it and sold it to Donald Trump.

Oh wow, it's.

So tacky and weird and old looking. And and he was like, we were shooting a thing that was like a send up of The Apprentice or whatever, and he fires Ellen and as stupid but he was. So he started off by he met her by telling her the ratings of The Apprentice. He was introduced to her, and he immediately just started saying, well, the number one day show an NBC did it, but like it was so weird and like pathological and bizarre.

He's always wanted to belong and I think even from what I've heard, even in that well, April was talking about he's never even belonged with the New York millionaires that he's no. Yeah, he's just like a oh man, Now I feel bad for.

Him, do you really well just then oh just.

That moment, Yeah, when people don't belong.

I don't. Yes, there's a lot of pain around him and all of the people that so desperately need to believe that he's going to help them.

Yeah.

I just can't understand the people don't see that he's a crook, Like he's all anything that he's accused Hillary Clinton of he is guilty of times five.

I've started. I've never done any online dating, but I got on that bumble thing.

Oh you did?

Yeah, And they have an option there where you can just slide over a graphic that says I'm with Trump or I'm with Hillary. It's inordinate a crazy amount of women, or maybe it's sarcastic, I know, but they claim to be voting for Trump and.

I'm I'm like, you know, in Los Angeles, I can't be very I know, how about a single woman in this day?

Yeah, I I don't know.

They must all be fans of The Handmaid's Tale. They're like, I want to go to a Birthen camp.

Or they're way better at sarcasm than me. But I don't think so.

No, it doesn't. You know what's funny? I April almost got me to sign up for Bumble. Between April and he was.

My other friend. It might be kind of fun because you do all the you make all the moves.

I would never do that.

Well, then I feel because no one's doing it for me. I've not been on there a couple of weeks, not a single I actually re.

Signed up and I have a good bio and I took good and a good face.

Yeah my pictures I might six feet tall. You never know, fucking nothing.

That's super weird.

I've gotta get off.

You are in your picture. Are you looking straight into the camera? You change that picture?

Oh?

Really, yes, I swear to god. I read an article about that. How women men's pictures where they're looking straight into camera freak them out and they don't like it. Go run in and put your put on some underarmor.

Shirt and look off in the distance.

Look off and put your leg up on a rock. They'll love that and you can date all the trump women you want.

I want to show off. My legs are a little Oh.

Then then put your arm on a rock.

Should lean on it like I'm thinking. Yes, all right, I like that, and look off in the.

Distance and maybe cry a tiny bit.

What if in every photo I don't look in the camera, and I say, cameras steal your soul. That's my bio, that's all.

That's genius, that's my.

Yeah, I cameras steal your soul everything.

Yeah, but you're looking up there in a native headdress. Don't do no, that's problematic.

Okay, okay, we're getting back to the version of me that was willing to put Tanner face on.

Yeah, let's not go there again.

All right. I'm sorry that I I he.

But don't you think it's funny? That I went through all the trouble. It was all the way down to all I had to do was press the button to sign up, like I'd fucking gone back onto Facebook. Yeah, all these things and then I just like went to touch it and I was like, I just can't. Yeah, I just can't.

Yeah, it's scary, right, it's horrifying.

It's me.

I didn't think it would be.

Yeah, No, it's I don't know how people do it.

I didn't think it would be. And it's real weird, and I'm I don't want to meet strangers. I've never If anyone's ever like hey, I want to set you up with my friend, a person I trust, I'm like, nah, that's weird. Yeah, it's narrow, and I can't believe women do it. I'm like, if they don't, you better have mace.

Well, it's always like like.

Everyone's a you know, I know, predator.

I know.

Don't go meeting.

Something, don't go out meeting people for coffee.

That's if I do. If I ever messaged with one of these people, I'm gonna say, do not meet me. It's just dangerous.

But you say that that's the message underneath the dick pic.

Yeah, just so, here's my dick. Let's meet in the park. You better bring pepper spray spray, right, embrace yourself.

This is gonna be bad, No, I really do. I also don't know. Like I had a friend who told me a story about one time sitting in a restaurant and the guy that she had arranged to meet. I think she was on, okay, keep it. I can't remember walked in and she watched his face fall when he saw her in person. I've seen them, and I just I don't know.

How how do you terrible feeling?

How do you go on? I don't I'm not interested in that.

Oh that's the worst.

It's terrible. And then I would just I think I would just verbally abuse that person if they sat down, I'd be like, so, yeah, this has this been the eyebrow situation all along?

Or yeah, how long have you not been able to control your face? Or do you mean his eyebrows because they're raised or because they're ungroomed?

I would go ungroomed, but that's you know, I'm eyebrow.

Okay, like your face you made skinky? What's it like?

Yeah?

Just go after him? Yeah or something?

How could you not it's a stranger. There's no goodwill at all.

It sounds horrifying. I'm deleting the app right now, let's.

Do it, okay, and then I'll sign up.

Well, I'll just transfer mine over to you. Well.

The worst part is it's like I would like to date, but that I can't do it that way. And then the traditional way is like what what like I'm not going to go to a bar, don't drink.

Well here's Michael Connolly said, sorry, I just got home. I'll do the podcast another time.

Oh he's very busy. Man.

He's point, we don't have a guest today. But that's oh yeah, I'm glad you and I we had to riff last. The last episode was very information based.

That's right. The uh, that's right. I never I just remembered. I didn't retweet that or anything.

That's okay. I did and I put it out there. Okay, I'm in Sean did okay? Good?

Yeah, there was there was a lot of It was very single topic.

But after it, I'm like, maybe I should try and do some mellucinogens. I should probably just go to the therapy.

Right.

Therapy is great, yeah, but it takes a long time. Hallucinogens, I don't know. I don't have that much experience with them. When those people talk about having those like aahuasca like experiences, like I saw that sixty minutes about how a lot of veterans, like Iraq war veterans are doing that because it's helping them with their PTSD.

That seems teresting to me.

Yeah, yeah, who knows what could help? You know?

I know I have PTSD. I mean I wasn't in the shit, but my dad was in reserves, and and he was married to my mom and a lot of style I okay, a lot of people had to snap necks and foo buy or crawl into a fox hole. I have many times walked in on my mother making love to different men. Oh why maybe I should go do drugs in a tent and then a Native American man can guide me through what that meant.

He would help you barf for like four hours.

That's whatever.

As far as i've you're gonna have to borrow.

I don't want to throw.

You have to the whole time. It's part of it. You sid barf and bar if and barf, and it feels like you can't stop barfing. Then then you start hallucinating.

I want to have visions the barf turns.

Into a spirit animal. I don't want to and then Barf becomes your spirit animal.

Oh do you have to call him barf like a cook from you can't do that on.

Television, or Barfy the dog from a family Circle circus really the Family Circus.

Right, yeah, where Billy would leave.

Trit little tracks. Yeah, your dog and Barfy. It made me laugh every time.

There would be episodes, and I think I'll call him episodes. It's just a single panel, no jokes. Every once in a while it would be like Grandma lost her leg to an angel named diabetes. No, I remember that, and then an angel floating away or maybe that was a parody. I mean that was in Mad Magazine. I don't know. It was always like a lot of like it's very spiritual, spiritual, like God stuff in lieu of a joke, and it's one panel, so it's like you better have and every once in a while you have it.

Every once in a while. It was funny Bill Keene, Bill Keen, but it was mostly it was for families. It was something to cut out and put on the refrigerator.

Yeah, easy light, Yeah, a non offensive but he.

Used to eat mushrooms by the handful. No amazing. Bill keaneould get all fucked up and then draw Billy walking all over the city.

Just that's him super tripping out because I whoa look at this perforated line, how it twists and bends everything else though I've measured the houses, it's all perfect lines.

But not Billy's feet walking everywhere.

Ah United features Syndic.

What is your favorite opening credits.

Thing?

Do you know what I'm talking about? Like off the cuff, I would answer the one that was at the beginning of The Muppet Show where it was like three spinning worlds it looked like and it was like, oh, really old looking. It looked like if it was from like the late sixties.

Of all time. It would have to be HBO because they would I have always loved miniatures. I as a kid, and my dad will tell you I wanted a dollhouse just because there's a tiny toaster in a little bed and little pillows and I just thought that was the coolest, and it is. I'd put army guys in there. You're no bag, yeah, yeah, I'm no Nancy Pants, but uh but yeah, the the beginning of the HBO that later became that logo.

And then it's like Silver Streak with Gene Milder.

Yeah, it's you go in. Here's the great part that no, and maybe because now they have maybe not even anymore. They just had the HBO logo pre motion graphics. It is a animated model, chromed out that flies up. But before that, you are the po V of this logo flying above a city and there's tiny cars and some of them I would look and them like that's a matchbox car, this is a giant, this is like uh, you know, several tables of all train set mini treat like.

I totally agree with that. But I also really loved the TriStar horse, the Pegasus.

And enveloping and then getting frozen into a.

Line, you know, yes, which that part made me sad. But the beginning where it's likeaana. The first time I saw that in the movie theater, a voice in my head said, I'm going to be in the movies, and then I was like, I'm going to be in tri star movies. That's I only wanted to be in a movie that had that at the beginning, and now they don't have it anymore.

The other night, watched because it's on Netflix, and I really haven't seen it since I was a kid. I never watched it any other time in my life.

Et Oh.

I had not seen et since I was a little kid, and so of course it does hold up. I did cry. There is a scene where, uh, what is ambling? Oh, Ambulin's like an old movie, maybe his first movie, so that's the name of it. But there is a scene where he rides the bike. Yeah, and because I recognized well, that then triggered the logo for Amblin Entertainment. I swear I teared up for that more than the Dying alien, because frankly is not that well animated.

No, it's a weird rubbery puppet that when it's dying, you're like stopping, so pathetic.

Et Yeah, and they really phoned it in. Maybe they were all coked up, and they were dealing too much with putting the tent around the house that they just put baby powder on the model and they're like, yeah, just leave him there, and he's hugging him and he just jiggles because he's a rubber. It started to seem like the movie that you showed me that changed my life.

Macimm Mac and Me it's start.

I'm like, wait, Mac and Me wasn't that far off.

No, No, they almost did a kind of a good job with it.

Yeah, well considerat it's like Mac and mee, come on, eyes a little hard on you. And at the end of maca me if you'll watch it, and everyone should. At the end, there's a promise and then when the bubblegum, you know, when they're all driving as an American family with red, white and blue neck ties.

Yeah, they're sworn in as Americans. So one of the members of the family choose a bubblegum bubble and it says, will be back, And you know what, I haven't seen a sequel for Mac and Me McDonald's.

I don't think that McDonald's understood how bad they were at screenwriting or true entertainment that they're they needed to focus on on meal deals on very finely chopped onions.

I do think that the things that they're good. How do they do it?

Actually? I just made my own mouthwater because that's the McDonald's. As you know, I was very addicted to McDonald's.

Finally chopped onions mixed with mustard.

That's and then just a touch of ketchup and then those insane almost like pickles that seem like there's some chemical involved, like it's not just pickle Brian, like it might be the thing that you put dead frogs in when you have to cut them open in high school.

What's our specific sandwich? And I is a big fan that was hot on one side and pool on the other. McDLT because one thing it's a mcdeal.

No McDLT Oh right, yeah, something lettuce and tomato. Yeah, what's that d I could be wrong, but oh.

I forgot they made those with dick meat. Come on, come on, I just don't like hot pickles. I don't really.

Yeah, so you were excited that they were combined cold pickles.

I need the combination. There's that place by the house, would I get breakfast burritos and the salsa they bring warm. It's like if you don't think a person doesn't allow to dip their hot food into a cold salsa, Yeah, you're sadly mistaken in your kitchen needs a revamp.

But I guess I get I'm defensive now because I feel like the combination of flavors on the McDonald's cheeseburger is perfection, and they are hot pickles because it's all microwaved.

Well they I think it's probably not the temperatum what they did. They just put they inject it with something else that's like an addictive.

Active, right, like cocaine, Yeah, coke, sugar. There were definitely times where I was at the McDonald's drive through going like, this is a you're having like a bottoming out watershed moment right now eating this food.

Again, I didn't know I when I it's I don't know how I survived during lunchtime all through high school because I didn't get My mom would occasionally give me money, and uh, but it would be like two bucks for the day, and you could eat for two dollars back then, and I would go to Burger King or McDonald's and get like two burgers, two fries, two dollars and I didn't. I didn't even pay attention to what I was eating

Yes, one hundred percent. Well, that's why fast food is so evil. It is because they fill everything with sugar and salt and fat, which, like when you combine all those things become an addictive like combination to your system. But also they make it cheaps and convenient, so it's like there's nothing you want to do less. If you're overweight, then get out of your car and go into a place to show that you're eating again that you can hide in the privacy of your car. Oh my god.

Yeah. Rough, I mean I didn't have any options, and that's funny. My mom was like vegan. I just should have been like, hey, can you make me stuff?

But would you?

I don't think it's not cool. I yeah, I just want to eat something.

Yeah yeah, yeah, that's true.

I but you're right though, I did want to leave school with my friends. And you're pretty much a doric if you bring a bag of sweaty eggplant.

Yeah, no, that wouldn't you. And it's it's not convenient, it's she was probably offered all the time.

God damn it.

I bet you did well because she probably wanted you to. I mean, yeah, the when you have the option, like you're gonna want Taco Bell over anything else, or you're gonna want whatever your thing is.

I forgot about Taco Bell. I really just want to.

Eat there because it's the cheapest too. Men you and it's the like, I don't know, there's a real situation happening with the crunchiness they had.

They had something it's gone now, but they had something called the Fiesta Menu, and everything on it was thirty nine cents. So I would just show up and go, I'll have the entire menu and throw my two dollars and some change down and I would get it was a tiny little cue taco and a little tiny burrito. It's a bunch of variety. You get all.

It was your miniatures again, they were tiny.

That's why I liked it. Yeah, dollhouse tacos, fun, doll house burrito.

Cute, Yeah, like almost like our dors.

A little burrito. I'd throw it in the air and land in my mouth. One failed swoop swallow. It didn't even chew, it just swallowed it like a pill.

Do you remember the Taco light that was a flower shell instead of corn tortilla.

Oh yeah, because it's the corn tortilla that's really bringing us down, giving us all sugar four.

Well, what they were doing was like taking advantage of people's of dumb people who would think that because it's a flower shell that it's lighter in calories. They were just calling it taco light, but it was it was probably more color because it was deep fried flower. Oh that's funny, but they were so delicious. A taco light that was my favorite thing, and they.

Got to remember the taco light. Yeah, Taco light and they were on Yeah, it's like, oh they're onto us. Yes, it's just we added gluten.

But no. You know, our friend Jimmy Chung was a manager at Taco Bell when we were in college, and he said they got rid of the Tago lights because when they ship them and they arrived, like the three quarters of them would be broken because you can't it's flower, deep fried flower.

Shell, very brittle. Yeah. I had a friend that worked there and uh he uh, he said, the boxes of meat came in. It just said cartoonishly in giant bold helvetica. Grade F.

No, grade F. What does that stand for?

It's a suck. Let's see, it's five after a.

I mean, well, there was that article that said that Taco bell meat was partially sawdust. Did you have ever seen that light?

Yeah? And I think that is why it comes in. It's that's done before and then it shows up and it's like, yeah, it's mostly beef. So it's a lower grade.

Yeah, the lowest grade, I believe.

But when I was young, I remember food be It's like, oh, you don't want to eat that. It's mostly soy meat. It's like, well, that's like a thing that is the basis of a lot of vegan diets. Now, is that really that bad?

It's not a problem. It's not sawdust though, I mean what barroom floor is it coming off of before they mix it in?

Or you know when I changed my own my dad taught me and changed my own oil. When you spill the oil in the garage, what do you put down?

Sawdust?

Or a.

Cat that you've had cremated? You can put that down.

The ashes of a cat. Can I tell you about I can't remember if you're the kind of person that will bum out forever if I tell you the story or not.

Is it about dog dying?

No, it is about the Taco Bell that used to go to when I was in college in Sacramento. My friend Charlie Bormalini, who was in my sister's class, who was also up there with us, called Taco Bell Church, and so he'd come by my apartment. We all lived in the same apartment complex. We'd be like, I want to go to church, and I'd be like, sure, he was a big stonor I was a big Stonor We'd end up at Taco Bell and just sit there with big red eyes, eating all as everyone was doing in the nineties.

I was too scared.

So then, like I'd say, six years later, No, it was the shortened now. It was much more recent than that. That's me. This is a bummer story.

Is it.

I don't I'll take it, okay.

Yeah, Like maybe three years later there was an article about I can't remember how far the time frame. Eventually there was an article that revealed that someone that worked at that Taco Bell that we went to was shitting in the beans.

Oh no, yes, like a crazy person that was angry at their job. Yes, shitting in the beans.

Shitting in the beans. So we don't know.

There's a child that died in Colorado. I remember at a Jack in the box.

That's baby eight poop oh, because someone had done baby died.

Yeah, and I have that to me was I'm like, that was the ugliest thing I had ever heard of. I didn't know guns existed. Yeah, and I was like, well, then why should we stay alive? I'm twelve and that's the worst.

That's really awful.

Yeah. I got a screen some of these fast food works.

I mean, I thought about it for so long after I just I should have done some kind of a FeAs alert.

I actually just looked up grade F beef.

Oh yeah, go, and there's a Snopes article saying that meat is not graded by letters.

Really it is a false legend.

Oh wow.

Yeah, well that's no fun.

Josh Harris, you're gonna hear from me. Gosh.

They did say it is most commonly attributed to Taco Bell because we just don't believe that that the meat, that the food there can be so cheap and still be how about how about.

My sawdust article? Though?

Did you know that that wasn't that was a thing that I know that for sure.

Yeah, thanks Saron.

Well what's the.

Grade a certified angus?

You know there are certifications, but they're not by letter. They're like, like you said, like.

Certified certified angus.

Yeah, there's a bunch of words. I forgot trise just now.

Wow. Well maybe yeah, maybe because I my friend. Yeah, you know what, Josh, Josh can tell a tale out of school.

Look, we all can. I told you when there was a comic book book called the Big Book series called the Big Book of Blanks. So it would be like the Big Book of Criminals or the Big Book of Urban Life Jens, or the Big Book or whatever. And so they had all these popular comic book artists who who would be matched with writers, and then they had a topic. It was like Big Book of the seventies. And then it was like the Manson murders. And so like a certain comic book artist was drawing the pictures

Hate spiders a night that you swallow, Yes, all of it.

The woman in the hotel elevator who gets in with a black man who has a dog, and when the elev vaders doors close, the guy says on the floor, lady, and she drops the ground and then it turns out he's talking to his dog. And there she's so embarrassed, and it turns out to be Lionel Richie what or it turns out to be seen. That was an urban legend that like, like one of my aunts told us, like it was her friend that went to.

Last It was popular made it in this book.

Yes, it's a classic urban legend. Like you know, there's the other one of like the people that go down to Mexico and they bring back a stray dog and then eventually find out it's a rat. It's just like a rat like it's they think it's a chiuala that they found on the street, and so they bring it home their kids have it and hugging it. You have to read this book.

It's awesome.

And that one I heard, there was a million of them that I heard. That's the fun of urban legends is you basically someone tells you something you love to hear, and then when you repeat it, you just slightly change source so that it's a little more believable. Right.

Oh, and then they get all I don't know that I know of any offhand that my dad didn't. The one my dad told me is Albert Broccoli, who started James Bond. James Bond character enfranchised his family, invented broccoli the vegetable, and I did.

It.

I did find articles though that say his families were farmers, and then I did find other articles that say broccoli was made in the early fifties by combining cauliflower and some other green vegetables. Finich, I think, yeah, so those two element but never like a direct link.

Now that sounds like a total dad, lie, it does. It does, But you're saying it's true.

Each half of it is true. Broccoli was invented, it was created, it's made. It is a man made vegetable.

It's a man made broccoli is a.

Genetically modified cauliflower that wasn't available to children, and say the potato famine right or in the forties or whatever. But and then Albert Brockli, the guy his family is farming. I don't know. I'm just saying the elements are there.

I mean, look, if he is from a family that has invented broccoli, they're millionaires. He has the time to write. He's got all those vitamins in his system.

Right, brain food, he's eating his greens.

He's like, I have an idea, what about a great spy?

I think you just solved the mystery. I'm gonna look it up later.

Yeah, there's a lot of things.

To anyone out there listening. You know. If you can do me the favor of just really going into a deep investigation with this Albert broccoli thing, and it said a link to the vegetable broccoli, that'd be really helpful.

Wait a second, I have an idea that's separate from this. Oh okay, why don't you right now take a picture for your bumble profile. Do it right now with your cans and your microphone.

Oh okay, but it's gonna don't kill straight into it, Yes, because I don't it's gonna look. So I'm not gonna look into the camera. I'm just gonna be talking. And so we're talking. And here's another point I'm gonna make as a broadcast journalist. Take the photo and then did you take it? Yea?

I took three choices. Oh, thank you, finger up, finger down?

Okay, uh yep.

So then Cloak, go edit that so it's a little closer, I would say, Okay, so they can. They don't think you're trying to avoid being seen, right right, then if there's girls on Bumble who are fans of yours and like this podcast or like your comedy, they recognize you.

Oh but that's not I don't why I want.

I want to be strangers, I know, But what who are you looking for? Someone you already know.

Someone that it doesn't exist, somebody it's it's funny. When you joke sing, you're just like me. But when you regular sing, you're amazing. Have you noticed that.

You know? I prefer comedy to everything else, So it's better to be funny than good.

I've noticed that though you're joke saying it like I could joke sing like you.

Somebuddy that used to know that's right, yeah, yeah, and like.

Someone's mom and a mall and then you but man on the stage.

Well that's when I really turned into voice.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's when I really poured out. That's when I really so.

There is an on and off switch to the genius switch. Sorry, there's no off button on the genius machine. Whatever. It's a shirt that.

Michell, there's no off switch on the genius machine.

I swear that's maybe a childhood picture.

That's really funny, so braggy.

It's a funny shirt for the little kid there. It wasn't like a growd. She wasn't like wearing it to business meetings, No, no.

No, but I had to compete. I had one that said just said perfect ten that I used to wear when I was like probably eleven or twelve years old. But perfect ten was in quotes. So yeah, kind of like, oh look at this perfect ten over here.

Yeah, there's a yeah, the restaurant down the street from me, in this Italian place. If you like in quotes, uh, pizza, you'll quote love hours. No what so it's a secret. Are you being sarcastic?

Yeah? Oh do you like pizza?

When I was ten, I had to eatn ain't cheat, And sure, what is that? I mean it's sexual?

Oh oh oh.

And I had it and it was over sized, and neither my parents or I knew what it actually meant. And I remember having it and it was like a tiny little man wore it once and I had a lot of old clothes and I had this eating ate cheating shirt. Oh my god, and there's a cartoon on it, and I was like, oh, that's funny. It rhymes I like eating, but it is a eating in a sexual way that is not actually cheating on your wife.

Yes, that's right, little kid.

Yeah, that shirt is the best.

It's so funny.

I mean, if ever someone saw me in that and saw me somewhere, some grown man is like, that's the coolest little kid ever.

You would have gone. I know, it's hilarious.

Yeah.

There is a picture that my uncle showed me one time. A woman He took it a like at a festival. This was like early eighties, and she had these big, huge boobs and she was wearing a T shirt. It was like, you know, late seventies, early eighties, so she wasn't wearing a bra and the front of the teacher's T shirt said I wish these were brains.

Oh that's so funny, I know.

Which meant she must have had brains if she was smart enough to Yeah, ye, all those on over her big huge boobs.

God, yeah, you can have brains and boobs. Yeah, of course, come on, come on. It's just if anything, they could have just developed at the same time in your life.

What if they developed at equal pace, and so the bigger your boobs are, the smarter you are. That would be very threatening to the patriarchy.

I tried to write a joke about it, but the statistically your eggs as a woman, your eggs develop while you're inside your mom. So like I think about my mom. The eggs that created me developed inside my mom while she was inside my grandma.

Ewwaw.

I'm not gonna tell a joke about it, but that's meant Yeah, it's like, think about that. Think about out how the eggs and your mom developed while inside her, while inside your grandma. Think about that the next time you're trying not to get a boner. I don't know, I don't know what the joke is.

What about the next time you're at brunch trying to order eggs, Think.

About the next time you're trying to order eggs.

You're trying to decide between scrambled and if for tata. Think about that.

That is there is there is a comic that I'm not I don't I'm not like a huge fan of. But Jimmy Schubert has the best joke about because I've thought about it in my life. But he has a joke about chicken being in an omelet, and it's like, that's not a breakfast, that's a family vendetta. It's like the best.

Jokes, Such a good joke.

Yeah, yeah, it's that the eggs and the parent meet.

Yeah, it's an observation anyone can relate to. Yeah, we all know what he's talking About've.

All had chicken almus, We've all been trying to be high protein. We know you're taking out parents and their kids.

Taking them all out, and you're strafing. That would be the word. Sure, sure, like machine gun style.

Here's a secret about me. When I don't know a word, I pretend I do strafing. Yes, oh, strafing is the word?

I strifing strife, Yes, yes, that's past tense of strafing. Yeah yeah, yeah, well I guess in conclusion, Yeah, yeah, are we yeah.

Yeah, no, we always be when it's just you and I. We time it perfectly. Yea, we're gonna get you out of here. Aeron Erin, thanks for help helping today. Yeah, yeah, Aaron, of course, thanks to our guest and anything. What do you got coming up?

I'm not doing anything these days because I'm tie tie uh.

Me too, me too.

I'm tired. Yeah, I'm tired.

I've been this way. I ran here park far away and I ran and it felt good. And no, my hip is throbbing. Oh, I got it. I'm gonna get surgery. That's why I got I'm plugging my surgery that's in January.

Oh for real, you scheduled it.

Gonna get a new leg.

Yeah, the whole thing, just the whole leg.

They're doing a lot. It's very expensive, but I'm gonna get a robot leg. Yeah, yeah, okay, yeah, I just wanted to go leg.

Is it gonna have a gun in it? Yes, like Rose McGowan in that movie.

Freeze.

Is it gonna have to wear a shoe or you're fine? Just right on the side.

I'll wear a shoe, even if it's wet. I'll wear a shoe.

And would you ever switch it with you know, like, interchange it with an arm?

Sure?

Sure, sure, an arm? Can I ask again? Yeah? Yeah, would you ever keep a bird inside that leg?

Sure? Sure? But I don't understand.

I don't either. I just was trying to think a good to make.

It's like, guys, don't worry, I'll kick you that soccer ball. Oh look at this pretty little bird. Oh I don't know my own strength. I kill it. Thank you for going just this fully hour.

Guys.

I'm one of the best folly artists.

Chris has a strong future in the folic arts.

I like making sound effects, so so what of it?

So what?

Oh?

You know what?

I can plug even though it's pretty far away. Uh? Is next month, the October what do we like to call it? The October Business Class is going to be Wednesday, October Monday eleven. It's going to be the twelfth.

I believe terrific. I have that day open.

Great, you're the headliner, okay me, Chris Fairbanks, April Richardson, Uh well, let me look at my you already have it that book? Oh yeah, we booked this thing. Andrew Mitchen, I've actually Sean yeah, michean, He's so funny.

He's the best. And here's something you wouldn't know about. He's one of the best skateboarders I've ever witnessed.

What.

Yeah, he's phenomenally good and he rarely does it, but he's from Portland and I went with him to a pool, a big bowl and he is almost professionally good. He's that's good crazy, he's super good.

Uh. That makes me love him?

Yeah, I love him.

I already loved him because he's so funny. His stand up is beautiful and he's super funny on Twitter. So anyway, he's going to be on there. Barbara Gray is going to be on there.

She's the best. She makes me laugh always. God damn.

Her comedy is hilarious. She's one of my favorite comics to watch. Our friend Dave Anthony is going to be on that show.

Oh that's terrific.

Uh yea, Sir Lester is going to do the show. He's he's the best.

Did you see that picture? He saw? It was very confusing. He posted it. It was just like our trust us for your towing and uh salvage needs and then there's just a giant swastika and it says akk no giant and a Confederate flag, and I guess I had message MS like, did you are you? I'm sorry that you're in a place where you saw that in person, But he.

Said he got it off the internet.

But I'm just like, all hate a side. That's such confusing advertising.

It's insanity. Yeah, it must have been in the South, right where a lot of people are okay with that kind of bullshit.

I think it was a Florida license plate, so.

That makes sense.

Need we say more?

Our last guest on that show is going to be Lizzie Cooperman. I mean, oh, she's best Lizzie Cooperman. That the October show is gonna be goddamn great.

Oh man, you gotta get down to business class. If you live in Los Angeles and if you lived anywhere else you got an airport. Quit being lazy. Come on, is that too aggressive?

Now?

It's fine?

Okay, it's at the Improv Lab October, when it's the second Wednesday of October, which I believe is the twelfth at ten pm, and all those great comics. Me and April Richardson host it, Chris Fairbanks headlines it. It's always the best.

It's gonna be great, and I'll have some new material, and I'm gonna shy away from all these masturbation and fart jokes, even though I like making them and it's fun for me. I'm gonna start I'm gonna crack that. I'm gonna start talking about I don't know.

I'm gonna talk about your problems on bumble.

Maybe I will. That's real life stuff.

That's real, and do stuff to try to get bits going, like, uh, I guess you can't. Men can't do anything on bumble right.

Nough, Yeah, I don't. It all horrifies me. But I am going to talk about my life.

Okay, we'll do. What I'm saying is do what you want?

Going to start revealing who I am as a person.

I don't know about that, but I mean, I.

Don't know if people want to see that.

Nobody wants to see that.

Chris Well, I am. I agree. You've been listening. Do you need a ride?

Do you wyan are way?

Everybody us time and they turn and all engage. We want to send you off inside. You want to welcome you back home?

Tell us all about it.

We scared her?

Was it fine? Malborn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride.

Do you need to ride?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do you need With Karen and chriss

Mm hm